


Spideypool Ficlet Collection

by SymbioteSpideypool



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Venom (Comics), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Archived From Tumblr, Explicit Language, Tumblr: symbiote-spideypool
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-09-07 16:39:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1,258
Words: 349,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymbioteSpideypool/pseuds/SymbioteSpideypool
Summary: A collection of ficlets, drabbles, memes, ect. based around Spiderman, Deadpool and Venom in anything from domestic fluff to heartbreaking angst.





	1. Intro Page

Everything Peter Parker, Wade Wilson and Venom! I've copied my collection of works from tumblr and made them available here. Send headcanons or ask about mine either here or at my wordpress, [Symbiote-Spideypool](https://symbiotespideypool.wordpress.com/). Please do not send anything with rape, pedophilia, explicit porn, tentacle porn, mpreg, a/b/o, or omegaverse. Requests are currently OPEN 

Since the content of my blog is so diverse, and I didn't want to clutter up the tags, I have instead decided to put relevant information about characters, maturity, and warnings in the chapter summary of each chapter.

Several people have asked if they could write fics based on my works, and I encourage it. All I ask is that I be credited and sent links since I love reading what you guys come up with. Thanks for reading!

Recently updated: Added continuation to ch. 535


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** welcome home bby, petey pie, light of my life, my love, my heart, my sexy angel in spandex

 **Peter:** what did you break

 **Wade:** *whispers seductively* the dryer


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

ok but like in a dimension where peter and venom work out and peter keeps the suit

venom draws out peter’s possessive side

wade finds he’s being shadowed on his missions now

sometimes he wakes up in a nest of webs and has to hack his way out because symbiote peter just wanted to keep him safe

man the conversations are a muddled mess because who the fuck is talking to who right now???

“shut up!! not you!”

also consider: wade stopping peter from walking outside buck ass nude when it rains because he’s so used to just wearing venom


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, identity porn

identity porn fics are great so consider this

symbiote spideypool identity porn

wade just ran into the cutest photographer at the daily bugle (never mind why he was there) who was flirting with him???

which makes wade conflicted about his feelings for spiderman because they had a moment recently

and peter runs into wade while they’re both in civvies and they hit it off because wade remembers him and says hi and peter (again) FLIRTS BACK bc he’s a huge flirt ok

and peter’s all torn up about developing feelings for wade because he’s terrified of wade getting hurt because of him because he thinks wade is just a regular guy

and peter is mad at himself for how much he trusts and cares about deadpool because he’s gotten hurt for spidey before and that was back when he hated deadpool

and the black spidey lookalike that wade hunts down occasionally is starting to warm on him or at least pique his interest after that time they went out of their way to protect wade before disappearing into the night and who the hell does that when they know he has a healing factor and is actively trying to kill them

and peter is terrified that deadpool is going to figure out how to get venom off of him and blow everything

and venom is all for deadpool at this point because not only does he go out of his way to protect spiderman and peter but he also fights dirty and has no qualms injuring and sometimes killing someone to achieve his goals and if that doesn’t rub off on goody two shoes peter, then he would still be handy to have around


	5. Chapter 5

Deadpool and Venom getting into a pissing contest where Venom starts stealing wade’s marks before he can kill them

but since peter’s in the suit, he won’t let venom kill them either

all of wade’s targets end up webbed to the police station doors alongside a box of incriminating evidence

or on the flip side, venom is in control and he does take out wade’s marks before him and even if venom leaves deadpool to claim the kill professionally

its fucking killing wade because its a matter of pride at this point goddamnit


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spideypool

Peter has taken responsibility for Venom, since letting it loose would lead to near genocide, instead hes… negotiated different terms

Deadpool is hired to take out Spiderman, the black suited menace and to date NY’s most notorious serial killer

the only problem is when he confronts Spiderman, Wade can’t decide whether or not spiderman’s a bad guy for doing exactly what wade does to justify his own merc work (minus the payout)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote deadpool

Venom bonds with Deadpool in order to get revenge on Spiderman for abandoning it

except venom has chosen the worst possible host for this particular revenge scheme

venom feels like getting a grip on wade is like trying to squeeze water because wade’s had so much practice dealing with voices in his head telling him what to do

and wade keeps making venom mad because he’s such a huge spiderman fanboy

cue the buddy cop style character development filled frenemies to who knows teamup music


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

spiderman and deadpool get into a worst-catchphrase-off but venom usually sucks the fun out of it

 **Wade:** Bingo baby!!

 **Venom:** Rraagghhlhhhs *snarl*

 **Wade:** aw ur no fun


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

Wade and Peter have a bad habit of forgetting to turn things off

like lights and blowing out candles and unplugging heating pads and the oven when there’s smoke coming out of it

venom has had to drag peter’s sleeping ass out of bed more than once just to keep their shitty apartment from burning down

venom also purposefully kicks wade while peter sleeps because venom will never give up a chance at a cheap shot

wade’s been under the impression that peter just sleep walks sometimes and tosses and turns in his sleep for years


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

Wade getting just as excited as peter every time he makes a new web shooter mod

peter rushing to show off his new web shooter mods to wade


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

Deadpool and Spiderman starting a prank war and Peter Parker ends up getting caught in the middle of it all as their go between

and wade is so fucking mad because no matter what he does spiderman is magically like tWO GODDAMN STEPS AHEAD EVERY SINGLE TIME

AND HE CANT FIGURE OUT WHY????


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

“Fuck you Wilson!” Peter screamed.

Wade was too busy laughing to care about Spiderman’s threats at the time.

~~~ Later at Avengers Tower ~~~

Tony brought up the floor plan for the hydra building they had infiltrated last week. Natasha and Steve were arguing over which rooms they had stormed first, since comms had been cut due to interference. Basically they were just hashing out the report details, so Wade wasn’t paying attention. He was actually chewing on a rubber bullet to try and see if he could bite it in half before his tooth cracked.

Nobody really paid attention to the intern knocking on the door.

“Letter for Deadpool,” said Peter. Sam waved him in and turned back to the holoscreen.

Peter handed the letter to Deadpool, who lit up like a suburban neighborhood at Christmas when he saw it was from the one and only Amazing Spiderman.

Peter stopped him when he went to tear it open. Peter shrugged. “He said you should wait until I leave to open it.”

“Thanks kid,” Wade said.

Peter opened the door and said very loudly as he left, “Sure thing, _daddy_.”

Or maybe it just sounded loud in the sheer silence that followed Peter out the door. Deadpool turned his head slowly, finding every single eye in the room boring a hole through his face.

Deadpool opened the letter:

_Dear Wade,_  
Run.  
Sincerely, your friendly neighborhood Spiderman

Deadpool started running when he heard the telltale sound of repulsors warming up.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, monster au

little mermaid au where peter is a mermaid that makes a deal with venom to host the symbiote in exchange for legs

venom makes good on the deal, but they’re having problems working together to maneuver peter’s body around what with one of them not used to legs and the other not used to a body

that and peter hadn’t really signed up for the weird snarling instead of talking thing

good thing their friendly neighborhood merc with a mouth finds them first and helps them acclimate

totally does not keep them around because he has a crush on the disproving little asshole who can’t figure out how to work kitchen appliances on his own and cant say a word yet still manages to express how done he is with wade’s bullshit


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, depression, suicide

peter parker aka spiderman has been dealing with clinical depression and suicidal urges for the last few years and every day it gets harder

every day he tells himself just make it through today for aunt may, i can always kill myself tomorrow, and every day he makes it

wade wilson aka the merc with a mouth aka the infamous deadpool doesnt usually take on jobs where hes supposed to keep his mark alive, but the numbers sang so sweetly on that check

unfortunately for wade, the problem isn’t kidnapping peter, its trying to keep peter alive when he finds out who paid for deadpool’s services

wade is not good at keeping things alive, he once accidentally sat on his pet hamster, and now he has to keep an incredibly determined (and incredibly suicidal) kid alive just long enough for him to get picked up by the rich man in a white van

he can’t even keep peter knocked out for more than an hour at most, nobody told him about the healing factor, or the super strength or the crawling on fucking walls like some sort of horror flick


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** I put the "cock" in "cockroach"  
**Peter:** ಠ_ಠ


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, reverse spideypool au

reverse relationship au where due to peter bonding with venom, he kinda wears his emotions on his sleeve, but like very intensely

and wade doesn’t actually like him that much because symbiote spidey just seems like another run of the mill supervillian with a weird aesthetic

so when peter ends up crushing on the merc after getting to know more about him, venom kicks it up to 11

deadpool kicking off a clingy spidey

symbiote spidey failing at flirting bc lets face it peter wasnt that good at it to begin with and venom knows jack shit about how to do this either

venom catching wade’s villians and marks for him and leaving them webbed to his door which wade takes as a personal challenge

venom sliding giant packages of raw ground beef through wade’s window because its symbiote spidey’s favorite snack and he wants wade to eat some too


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

wade gets an image inducer and gets his old face back

symbiote spiderman freaks out and tries to kill him because they’re sure hes an imposter

wade is floored that somebody could like him better after weapon x than before


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

Wade’s favorite thing to say to peter is “no shit, sugar” because its just something that grates on peter’s nerves

hearing it ten times a day doesn’t help

but it just makes him so mad sometimes that he ends up venom hissing which always makes wade laugh


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, kidnapping

deadpool accidentally figures out symbiote spiderman’s secret identity and venom takes matters into their own hand when peter panics

since venom knows they cant kill wade they do the next best thing, trap him so he can’t do peter any harm

wade, even though hes pretty angry about being trapped in an abandoned apartment building by webs too strong to cut with any of his weapons, thinks its adorable how flustered and guilty peter is about the whole thing


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, high school au, angst

highschool au where peter is the hot jock who dominates just about every sport and wade is the weird kid with full body burn scars who gets taken out of class for half the day sometimes because he may or may not have some serious “behavioral issues”

peter is actually really smart too, he’s the high school sweetheart, but when he gets into a car crash and gwen ends up in the icu he comes back a little different

peter is angry, he starts hurting other kids in practice, his grades start dropping, he skips school most days, and the rest he ends up in the same mandatory class/glorified time out that wade does for “anger issues”

really its a coincidence when wade finds out peter’s secret

peter let an alien symbiote bond with him in order to conduct medical tests on his newly invincible body, hoping he’ll be able to save gwen

wade’s the one that has to talk him down and make peter realize that he can’t save everybody, sometimes its healthier just to move on


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

wade and peter sing along to shitty pop songs from the 90s on a road trip

venom feels left out

so peter chokes and suddenly starts squawking along to baby got back in an unholy screech and wade has to pull over because he’s laughing so hard he cant drive


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, coffee shop au

Peter works at starbucks and meets a cute girl, so he writes his number on her cup because why not

except it wasn’t her cup, it was her friend’s cup and his name is wade and he’s huge and intimidating and a guy

but peter’s anxiety gets the better of him and he follows through with it when wade calls him later, and wade is actually really great

like hes really really great

he’s kind and rough and funny and sweet and inappropriate at the worst times and sexy and caring and honestly, peter might be in love


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

Peter works at starbucks and meets a cute girl, so he writes his number on her cup because why not

except it wasn’t her cup, it was her friend’s cup and his name is wade and he’s huge and intimidating and a guy

but peter’s anxiety gets the better of him and he follows through with it when wade calls him later, and wade is actually really great

like hes really really great

he’s kind and rough and funny and sweet and inappropriate at the worst times and sexy and caring and honestly, peter might be in love


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, cannibalism

wade pulling an even more fucked up hannibal where he starts cooking pieces of himself into peter’s food because venom needs to be fed human meat to survive

like he takes a knife to his calf or arm, trims the cut and throws it on the grill

since cancer, except in rare cases, is not contagious, wade could justify it with himself because he thinks it won’t hurt peter, plus the symbiote could probably deal with it before it ended up in Peter’s system

peter wonders why venom has been less moody and aggressive, and doesn't question why hes been able to stop venom from killing anybody lately

and when peter finds out, and he will, he gets mad at wade and feels guilty because he made his problem wades problem, and wade has literally been cutting of parts of his body for this


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, identity porn, drinking

the avengers get together for movie night and end up starting an impromptu drinking contest, several staff members and shield agents end up getting roped in, including one intern named peter parker and one shield agent named wade wilson

everybody gets a shot glass with the barest amount of asguardian mead

on the first shot over half the line up goes down

all that's left are superhumans and peter and natasha

peter, it turns out, is a flirty drunk and is making a game out of how many times he can get wade to blush, he stepped down after round six just because he didn’t want to out drink a god and make anyone suspicious

peter and wade may or may not wake up with killer hangovers the next day and a shapchat feed of shame


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, character death, angst

wade staying by peter’s side as he grows old and wade stays young

wade desperately searching for a way to reverse his healing factor

peter taking up knitting because he thinks its ironic

peter on his deathbed telling wade how much he loves wade and to not let his death stop him from living his own life

“you are my life, baby boy”

so wade makes a deal with a demon so to speak, if he can’t die then he wont let peter die either

he breaks out venom and has the symbiote keep peter alive, even though venom can’t stop peters mind from going, only his body

one day wade just tells venom to let him go, and cradles peter’s wrinkled body in his arms as he says goodbye

“you promised me you wouldn’t go where i can’t follow”


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, extra spidery

what if spiderman were a little more creepy

like he’s got fangs and has a tenuous grip on how to administer three different kinds of venom

he twists in ways that purposefully remind you of that nightmare clown story that scared you when you were ten

he has slits in his arms that hold spinneret glands he can shoot at will


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, nsfw

it’s not that they don’t like having sex, its just that sex is… awkward with backseat drivers in your head

every time wade takes off his clothes hes got self proclaimed experts telling him what hes doing wrong and offering monumentally useless tips

and for peter, its like hes got his fifth grade math teacher telling him he should just let them do this for him since they’re is better at everything

fuck off guys


	29. Chapter 29

stark intern peter parker uses every single chance he gets to fuck with wade by innocently using every possible innuendo, and its really fucking blatant, but peter has a good poker face so wade can’t actually tell if peter is fucking with him or not and he doesnt want to risk being wrong

wow that _gun looks sooo big_ how many _rounds can it go for_

hey maybe i could help you _polish your katana_ sometime

*wade hands him anything* just _shut up and give it to me_

tony’s setting up the grill and theres _tons of wieners_ , want any?


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, dadpool, space au

space rogues venom and deadpool find themselves reluctantly teaming up after being sold out by the same client, but both think the other is an alien

peter is purposefully vague about everything, where he came from, what he is, why hes out in the middle of nowhere hunting down the son of a bitch that screwed them both over

hes just helping a friend out, sort of, venom is sort of a friend, at least peter wouldn't want venom dead just because hes uncomfortable sharing his body and mind with an alien, they’re working on it

wade is hunting down his only lead on the dumbshits that thought they could kidnap his daughter and live, and if people tend to think hes not human because of the mask and his inability to die, then hey whatever works


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool

peter and wade broke up three times within the first week of getting mario kart

venom smashed the disc after the fourth time


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, trans peter parker

trans peter parker who can’t afford hormones meets venom and together peter can feel comfortable as symbiote spiderman

peter getting excited the first time he takes venom out for a test run because people keep using the right pronouns and it feels so validating, peter just about died when The Tony Stark told him after an impromptu teamup that he's doing good

venom changing peter’s voice a little so he sounds older and no one will recognize him and peter fucking loves it because it sounds exactly like he always wanted it to

peter feels venom’s rage every time someone misgenders him at school and it ends up being a comfort, even if he has to talk venom down from beating the crap out of them later

venom being super supportive and protective of peter bc this is my humanssssss

peter working a part time job so his increased appetite doesn’t become a problem for aunt may, venom dislikes the service industry greatly, peter finds the running insulting commentary about his customers hilarious, makes working a little bit easier


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spiderman, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "So what sorts of entertaining things is venom coming up with about the customers that trans peter is dealing with while trying to afford food for his crazy metabolism?"

well venom has been having a ball learning about humans and weird human cultures, peter fell asleep in front of the tv and venom ended up marathoning fashion programs, they’re a self proclaimed fashion expert, which is highly debatable, but it gets pretty funny when venom tries insulting humans by critiquing their fashion sense

which usually sounds like, not enough feathersssss, hairsssss are wrong, that one needssss more colorssss on itsss face, wearing too many eggsss, more beltssss!

not a whole lot of it makes sense to peter, but its a lot nicer to hear than venom trying to get him to slaughter entire department stores


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

thor brings tony instructions on how to brew asguardian alcohol and it becomes his and bruces pet project, soooo drunk headcanons

wade starts ugly crying when peter tells him they’re already dating bc hes so happy

“i’ll gonna fight ur mouf with my mouf”

gross flirting and pda

peter tries pole dancing and is r good at it bc of his *ahem* part time job

peter being an easily offended drunk and trying to fight everybody before fighting himself and losing

wade gushing about peter to everyone he can trap into listening


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

thor brings tony instructions on how to brew asguardian alcohol and it becomes his and bruces pet project, soooo drunk headcanons

wade starts ugly crying when peter tells him they’re already dating bc hes so happy

“i’ll gonna fight ur mouf with my mouf”

gross flirting and pda

peter tries pole dancing and is r good at it bc of his *ahem* part time job

peter being an easily offended drunk and trying to fight everybody before fighting himself and losing

wade gushing about peter to everyone he can trap into listening


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

thor brings tony instructions on how to brew asguardian alcohol and it becomes his and bruces pet project, soooo drunk headcanons

wade starts ugly crying when peter tells him they’re already dating bc hes so happy

“i’ll gonna fight ur mouf with my mouf”

gross flirting and pda

peter tries pole dancing and is r good at it bc of his *ahem* part time job

peter being an easily offended drunk and trying to fight everybody before fighting himself and losing

wade gushing about peter to everyone he can trap into listening


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Peter:** [alone, in his locked house, sitting on the toilet in his locked bathroom]  
**Wade:** [walks in and grabs the floss] hey  
**Wade:** [walks back out and locks the door behind him]  
**Peter:** ...  
**Peter:** What the fu-


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter starts up parker industries wade drops by from time to time to drag peter out for some ass kicking stress relief

wade actually has an access badge for the building so he stops setting off the security alarms every time he crawls in a window

peter made wade a deadpool shaped firework for fun once and they ran up to the roof to shoot it off as soon as it got dark

wade starts to feel a little self conscious after the third deadpool themed vehicle showed up outside his apartment, but peter just keeps insisting its because wade kept him alive through most of college by feeding him almost every time they met up

peter keeps sending wade cool nonlethal weapons and suit upgrades, wade keeps everything peter sends him, even when he breaks something


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, drinking, bodyguard au

bodyguard au where peter parker, ceo of parker industries, is reluctantly saddled with deadpool, his hired bodyguard, after several death threats are sent to his home

wade has never met a man more set on doing the exact opposite of everything everyone tells him to do, like its starting to feel like peter’s mission in life is to make wade’s job harder

when peter gets attacked, wade is hit and cant protect him, but just as somebody sticks a gun in peter’s face, black tar warps around peter and he bites the fucking gun in half

which is how wade finds out about venom and totally uses this information to blackmail peter into hanging out with him more and letting him do his goddamn job so he can continue to be overpaid


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, drinking, bodyguard au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "More bodyguard au? (Where venom bites the gun in half or something) because that was AMAZING"

seriously this is the easiest gig wade has ever gotten, he just has to hang around peter all day and if anything goes wrong peter has a built in fail safe that is simultaneously the scariest and hottest thing that wade has ever seen, aaaaand peter can’t fire him because he know’s peter’s dirty little secret, best. job. ever.

he finds out fun things about peter all the time, like one day when the boss man had a hard day wade brought some vodka and some cranberry juice to help it go down a little easier, except peter just gratefully took the bottle of vodka and started chugging it like it was water, he explained that venom coated his mouth so he couldn’t taste or feel it go down, wade is a little jealous

peter is also a very fun drunk, he gets very angry about his opinions, but usually on dumb thing like how onions have more power than any plan should have because they can make him cry

venom also takes over halfway through peter’s alcohol binge, if it weren’t for the way peter’s eyes got darker and the way venom has to clip the ends of it’s words to avoid hissing, wade wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between peter and venom, it’s a little creepy, venom tells wade to fuck of because peter is theirs


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, drinking, bodyguard au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 3, "You’re amazeballs! Omg That bodyguard one! Can you write wade and venom fighting over peter until either they settle it or peter does?"

peter is a little slow on the uptake, he doesn’t realize that wade and venom have a low key pissing contesting going on, he just thinks that wade suddenly decided to actually take his job seriously for once, which is just annoying since peter already knows he can defend himself and all these precautions are just annoying at this point

peter thinks there’s something wrong with venom because he keeps having muscle spasms, he’s accidentally elbowed wade in the face three times today, which actually backfires on venom because peter tells them to take a break, “wade is my bodyguard after all”, *angry hissing*

wade finally got over himself and asked peter on a date, and peter accepted thinking that wade just wanted to eat out for once, peter finds himself actually having fun because this is the first real break he’s taken from work in a long time and it’s all thanks to wade dragging him out of the office, but when wade goes in for a kiss, venom takes over and knees him in the crotch, peter doesn’t remember any of that, just thinks venom wanted to come out, peter doesn’t get too mad

wade is discovering it’s very hard to make any progress with peter since venom keeps blocking out wade’s voice when he tries to hit on peter, peter is getting very much concerned at how weird venom is being lately

wade finally gets fed up and brings an old school boombox into peter’s office and blasts something with a heavy bass and peter can barely hear wade over venom’s screeching but wade has a legal pad he stole from somebody’s desk, and it has a big heart on it and it says “i like like you”

peter goes out with wade after they both sheepishly explain what’s been going on, he does it just to spite venom for being a dick and not letting him reject wade on his own, because he would have turned down wade, but he ends up actually liking wade because he went out with him out of spite and now venom has to deal with wade all the time, they pay for their mistake every goddamn day


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

that time peter convinced wade he had the power to summon spiders so he avoided peter for three weeks and sent angry texts every time he found a spider in his apartment


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

obligatory religious cult infiltration where wade and peter have to dress up as priests or something similar

the _endless_ stream of daddy jokes gets old very, very fast


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Wade:** [meets venom spidey for the first time]

 **Venom:** RRRAAaGGHHHhhHRR!!!!

 **Wade:** woah there creepy spice


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, ironman

whenever spiderman needs to give the avengers a tip he climbs avengers tower and leaves a stickynote on tony’s bedroom window

tony’s window washers think its hilarious


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, dadpool, neighbors au

wade and peter are next door neighbors, they… sort of get along?

once when ellie is visiting wade, he gets a call and has to leave for a mission but he can’t leave ellie alone

he kind of threatens peter into babysitting his kid, which turns out to be a good thing since the call was a distraction so that goons could swoop in and kidnap ellie

poor generic goons got their asses kicked by peter and ellie home alone style

peter has to use his powers in front of ellie to protect her and swears her to secrecy

so now peter is ellie’s new favorite person and wade’s a little jealous


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

rings wade conceivably used to propose to peter

a ring pop

a half eaten ring pop

shitty dollar store ring with a huge ass plastic diamond that lights up

rolled condom with a hole punched through the middle

plastic spiderman ring he stole from a cupcake at walmart

actual engagement ring still on a severed finger

plastic glow in the dark spider ring he got trick or treating

purity ring

birthday party pack of child sized hello kitty rings

mini doughnuts

blood covered diamond ring he stole from the jewelry store robbers they just beat up

toy ring in a capsule from a 50 cent toy dispenser

5 y/o ugly class ring with the name scratched off, wade is 35

a cock ring


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

deadpool saying “yoink” whenever he stabs something just to get on spidey’s nerves bc “that’s not how it works, wade”


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

Wade takes every opportunity to change his name in peter’s phone to “daddy”

this has led to several awkward conversations with aunt may, various avengers, and rhino oddly enough


	50. Chapter 50

**Wade:** *holding up a severed hand* hey spidey, need a hand???

 **Peter:** WADE that's disgusting!

 **Wade:** don't kinkshame me


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, dadpool

peter desperately trying to come up with another excuse when wade tries to take him to meet ellie because he’s terrified of knowingly letting venom anywhere near her

wade feeling hurt and blames himself for peter’s v obvious avoidance

of course when venom really wants to rile peter up they’ll threaten to find ellie while peter is sleeping

so ellie takes maters into her own hands and hunts down peter herself so she can give him a piece of her mind for making wade sad


	52. Chapter 52

**Peter:** [buying 50lbs of raw ground beef so that the alien symbiote living in his body doesnt try to make him kill and eat people later]

 **Peter:** this is fine


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bi peter parker

ok but peter parker 100% outed himself as bi while in costume bc he couldnt resist a pun

i swing both ways

ill bet he says it so much that even his villains yell at him to cut it out already we get it you’re bi

wade once brought a frying pan to a teamup bc he had to one up peter with his pan puns


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman

venom likes it when peter paints their nails


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Headcanons about photographer!peter trying to take the best ™ picture of wade, cuz he loves him, but wade not wanting his photo taken because he thinks hes disgusting etc? Or just headcanons about photographer!peter?? (Symbiote or not!) 💞"

Yooooooo so u just asked about one of my favorite things ever

peter parker that meets deadpool when j.j. demands pictures so he can link the new costume to spiderman

and after peter gets over his initial shock and talks to wade as spiderman, he actually starts liking wade

peter turns into a lovestruck idiot chasing deadpool around town every other day because as good as peter is, wade’s even better at avoiding the camera

wade threatening peter and telling him to fuck off and peter just following after him anyways bc he needs this job dammit

so maybe they work out a trade after a while, he gives wade pictures of spiderman that he doesnt give to j.j. and wade lets him get some shots of deadpool in action

and wade may suspect that peter and spiderman are a thing after peter not so accidentally slips a suggestive photo of spiderman into the next batch he gives wade

and after they start dating peter keeps on taking pictures, but now its selfies of him and wade (in mask) and photos of wade trying to grab his phone before he can take a picture

and peter respects deadpools fear of cameras, except that folder of pictures of wade sleeping he has on his laptop, but nobody has to know

and eventually, when he and wade have gotten to the point where wade feels more comfortable going out without his mask on, he surprises peter by saying that he can take a picture of them

and peter has the biggest goddamn smile on his face even if it is a shitty photo and they’re sitting in a poorly lit booth in some cheap fast food place

peter has it framed and sets it as his phone screen

and every time wade sees it he groans, but it makes him happy because in the picture peter is looking at him like he hung the goddamn stars in the sky

also consider

venom spiderman hiding his camera in the suit and taking amazing action shots he can’t give to jj anyways bc how in the hell would he have gotten a picture like that

venom spidey using tendrils to get the best angle and take selfies

venom r likes pictures and demands peter have some of them printed because its like holding a moment and venom just fucking loves that

which led to an entire wall of his bedroom being covered in pictures of venom and, oddly enough, hardware stores, there's no accounting for taste

peter probably runs a blog dedicated to cryptid level of terrible pictures of spiderman with random parts of his body circled and every week he accuses a new celebrity of being spiderman, hes caused several divisive groups to start all out flame wars with each other on the site

the popular choice right now is zac effron


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

the next time wade gets himself unnecessarily killed peter decides to be a salty fuck about it and goes about his day pretending wade is still dead


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, teacher au

wade is head over heels for the hot teacher guy at ellie’s daycare center, hes been trying to talk himself up to giving him his phone number for weeks

ellie has been talking up her dad to her daycare teacher for weeks now and they’re both too stupid to actually make a move even though they look like a pair of grinning idiots together

time to take drastic action


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au

college au where wade is going back to get his degree now that hes got the funds for it

peter is the hot ta in his intro to physics class

wade starts flirting with peter in the margins of his homework

after peter starts writing replies back on wades homework he decides to ask peter to tutor him

he eventually wins over peter with his dumb physics jokes


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore

peter very rarely catches wade when he jumps off of things due to the number of times hes shouted “catch me!” and thrown one of his severed limbs at peter


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, touch starved

touch-starved wade meets no-boundaries-with-friends peter

wade cries the first time peter snuggles with him on the couch when they watch movies

he actually cries a lot when they first start hanging out

“shut up, my eyes are just bleeding“

wade learning to ask for cuddles, wade giving the best bear hugs, wade finally having someone that he feels comfortable initiating physical contact with

sleeping on top of each other, peter webbing wade’s mouth shut when he snores, peter snoring when he finally falls asleep, wade kicking him off the bed for being a dirty hypocrite


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

spiderman and deadpool buy eachother’s merch

peter commissions artists to make deadpool knitted hats and keychains and plushies

wade commissions stickers and (some questionable) fanart and he has an entire closet dedicated to spidey wearable merch, he buys every dumb spiderman t-shirt he can find in NY


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, mentor au

au where spidey is in his 30s and wade is still in high school

peter has been doing the hero shtick for years now and he’s gotten really good at it, he knows how to be intimidating as hell and how to not get shot so often

wade is an angry kid who got the short end of the stick in life, and he decided to make deadpool to deal with it instead of him

peter finds him beating some assholes to a pulp with his bare hands in a dark alleyway

peter takes wade under his wing and teaches him how to be a hero: how to fight, how to dodge, how to cover up bruises and stitch up stab wounds, how to sew your own suit, how to get the bloodstains out of it, and where to buy kevlar for cheap on the second thursday of every month

wade just inst interested at first, he doesn't need some know it all adult telling him what to feel and do just like every other adult in his life, except peter doesn't leave him alone, he keeps showing up to bail out wade and he keeps spouting all his goody two shoes morality crap

and maybe, just maybe, he starts to see peter’s side of things, to trust him and rely on him, maybe things do get better


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter has a blog dedicated to aesthetic pictures of the NY skyline but taken from the tops of buildings

no one questions this


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, team red

**Peter:** [shows up in his black venom suit]

 **Wade:** *gasp of betrayal* this was supposed to be a team red meeting how dare

 **Matt:** the fuck is going on there is literally something breathing inside of you


	65. Chapter 65

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade meets civilian peter and they kind of hit it off, so wade keeps gushing about peter to spiderman every time they meet

peter may or may not have thrown himself off the building out of embarrassment, he just barely remembered to shoot a web so he didn't hit the pavement


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, trans peter parker

more trans peter ideas

venom totally ups the muscle definition in the suit when peter asks

peter takes trash aesthetic selfies of himself in the venom suit when sitting on tops of buildings

peter has a spiderman binder and an iron man binder

peter totally wore a trans flag like a cape when he crashed a pride parade as spiderman

just, peter being unapologetically trans as spiderman


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade don’t change their last names when they get married because it would ruin the alliteration


	68. Chapter 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade is a huge fucking dork and when he found out he'd been dating spiderman he may or may not have begged peter to put on the suit next time they had sex


	69. Chapter 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, nsfw

peter, when he’s not out and about superheroing, caries a knife and he knows how to use it

after all almost half the avengers are assassins of some sort and when a group of assassins wants you to stay alive, they put you through some serious training to do so

for his birthday nat and bucky both got him hidden holsters and wickedly sharp blades, nat’s has a little black widow symbol on it and a curved black blade, bucky’s was serrated

clint got him a tiny pocket sized collapsible crossbow

cap baked him a super sized birthday cake and peter got him to sign his captain america poster

tony presented him with a new suit peter later had to reprogram so that tony couldn't remotely stalk him, rhodey happily showed him how to use the suit lenses to play pac man, tetris and other games he'd convinced tony to add

pepper gives him a ton of gift cards to high quality clothing stores and says get yourself some suits kid, im gonna teach you how to run a company, which peter spends with aunt may on a shopping trip

sam got him a pack of nerf guns because what the hell is wrong with you people hes a kid, he should be having fun

bruce gets him a new camera, tony had hacked peter’s phone for him to figure out which one he’d been eyeing

thor gives peter his traditional flask of inhumanly potent asguardian ale that he gets all avengers on their birthday, much to tony’s chagrin, and the asguardian equivalent of a chess set, its holographic and the pieces move where you tell them to


	70. Chapter 70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman

ok so venom’s favorite kind of clothes to look like are usually p form fitting bc they’re closer to peter’s skin

that and venom doesnt really understand people fashion, which leads to several unfortunate style choices

peter has had to negotiate venom down from casually wearing a zip up jumpsuit to skinny jeans before

venom also likes being in peter’s hair a lot so peter suddenly started wearing a lot of hoodies and beanies and the occasional headband

peter wasn’t a goth kid before venom, but now he doesnt really have a choice, the goth kids sometimes start to sit with him at lunch before realizing they dont know him

that one time peter binged rupauls drag race and had to deal with venom’s fashion choices for the next month


	71. Chapter 71

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avengers, nsfw

alternatively when spidey grows up

natasha gives him weaponized jewelry and a yearly knife with her logo on it

bucky keeps trying to give him a gun bc goddamn he’s even more of a self sacrificing idiot than steve sometimes for fucks sake just take the damn thing

clint gives him fury’s trench coat, no one knows how he got it and peter is too afraid to let it leave his closet

tony gives him his own research team and lab in the tower

rhodey goes behind tony’s back and lets peter go for a supervised spin in the iron man armour

cap cooks peter an obscenely large birthday breakfast and, as is tradition, bakes the cake

pepper gives peter two tickets for an all expenses paid Caribbean cruise he can go on with his aunt

sam gets him a stack of his favorite video games bc shut up i still think of him as the baby and none of your gifts are fun

thor gives him two flasks now bc peter’s alcohol resistance has actually gone up over the years, and some asguardian literature since he’d been interested lately and an amulet that helps peter translate

bruce gives him awesome souvenirs from his travels and a new web fluid formula he thought up for peter

and when peter gets home to his apartment, wade is in his bed wearing only a ribbon on his dick


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

things wade conceivably said to peter after peter confessed to him

…thanks…

*hysterical laughter*

*jumps out of nearest window*

you fucking nerd

if anybody tries to pinch me right now i swear to god ill rip their fucking arms off and shove them up their fucking asshole

like, like like???

i $*#&ing love you

no take backs

i thought you were straight

*gross sobbing* shut up my eyes are just sweating

hOLY SHIT UR SERIOUS

*intense making out*

are you sure this is what you want

*internal screaming*

[error 404 page not found]

you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, baby boy


	73. Chapter 73

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade thinks its super hot when peter uses his super strength to carry him, pass it on


	74. Chapter 74

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker

wade and peter falling in love and being afraid of what the other will think of whats under their suit, wade bc of his scars, and peter bc hes trans

wade freaking out bc peter keeps fighting in a binder

wade calling in some favors to get a super genius he knows to design peter a safer binder for when hes spiderman

wade pestering peter to go home when he knows peter has been wearing his binder for too long

wade and peter giving each other massages, wade to help peter when he takes off his binder and peter to help wade slather himself head to toe in gross ointments that make his skin stop hurting

wade found a back alley doctor he paid off to give peter top surgery when peter asked, bc wade made sure the doc was going to do exactly what he wanted, and peter cant exactly go to a normal hospital what with his powers and trying to keep his identity safe

peter recovered in record time and within a month the scars are gone due to peter’s healing factor


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade thinks its super hot when peter uses his super strength to carry him, pass it on


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

wade would be the person that asks for a water cup at taco bell and just brazenly sticks it under every single fucking soda flavor while not breaking eye contact with the cashier

because the fuck u gonna do about it huh, you can’t fucking kill me i'm fucking invincible, I’m mother effing deadpool, ill bet they don't even pay you enough to care, fuck you *puts money in the tip jar*, yeah that's right enjoy the rest of your miserable fucking shift asshole


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter goes to a con dressed as spiderman and loses out to wade in the spiderman lookalike contest

peter looses his shit and wade has no idea that he beat the actual spiderman

peter not even placing and wade claps him on the back lifts up his mask just over his mouth, enough that peter recognizes him, and says, the suit’s pretty good but maybe next time you should beef it up some

and peter is just fucking seething, he’s super passive aggressive to wade for a month after that just because he’s so mad, and wade has no idea why


	78. Chapter 78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

deadpool and spiderman end up saving a dog while on a patrol together and the dog chases them around the city and will not go home, the dog is probably a stray anyways bc no collar and v skinny

wade and peter have both developed a soft spot for the dog and fight over what they should do with it, wade wants peter to take it home and post an ad to find her a good home, peter reluctantly wants to take her to a shelter bc he cant have pets in his apartment

wade cracks and takes the dog home but just for a few days, until they can find a better home for her

after three weeks peter starts looking for a new apartment so he can just fucking adopt her himself, she just grew on him so fast and he started visiting wade a lot just to see her

wade named her wolvie because she reminds him of another hairy slobbering friend of his, just less angry

wade never actually made that ad, and he's happy he didn't because now he's coparenting a dog with spiderman, her favorite food is egg foo young, don't tell spidey he's fed her leftovers before

wade is not happy when spiderman shows up one day saying he found her a good home, its the day peter gets a new apartment

wade later sees a hot guy walking his dog down the street and introduces himself, and at first its just to see wolvie again, but damn if the guy, peter, isn't making wade stumble head first over heels for him

“so, spidey, you never told me your dog walker was hot”


	79. Chapter 79

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

ways peter has possibly proposed to wade:

after hauling both their asses up the empire state building he gets down on one knee and takes off his mask

gimme your hand *casually slips ring on wades finger*

full body tackle when wade runs from commitment AT LEAST LET ME PROPOSE FIRST DAMMIT

heysofunnystoryihappenedtowanderintothisjewlerystorelastnightandimighthaveaccidentallyboughtyouaringhereyougoiloveyoubye (hey so funny story i happened to wander into this jewelry store last night and might have accidentally bought you a ring here you go i love you bye)

when wade goes in for a spiderman kiss peter shoves a little black box in his face instead and keeps his mask on so wade cant see him blush

peter gets all mad when wade proposes first and ruins his whole plan like fuck you wade i had this whole dance sequence planned for times square, captain america was going to wear a dress and sing the star spangled banner

at a fancy restaurant that peter asked tony stark to rent for the night so wade would go in a tux without his mask

wade finds the box in peter’s pants pocket when hes doing laundry and when he finds peter, peter just says “surprise?”

peter and wade are snuggled together on the couch one night marathoning star wars again and peter just looks at wade and his chest gets all tight because of just how fucking much he loves this man and he pulls a ring out of his pocket and asks wade to marry him right then and there because fuck the plan


	80. Chapter 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter that are literal best friends that spend all their time hanging out together and love being around each other

that help each other deal with their traumas and mental health problems and stitch each other up after every battle and have a designated “bleeding couch” in the bathroom for this very purpose

that moved in together a while back when peter couldn't afford his rent anymore and wade kinda just moved all his shit and handed him a handwritten invoice that just said do laundry and get your aunt to send food sometimes

and one day, when they’re both just lazing around in their underwear and peter is stitching his and deadpool's suits back together and wade is cooking breakfast, peter just has this sudden epiphany

he could see himself doing this for the rest of his life, living with wade, talking with wade, just being with wade and whether its because they’re queerplatonic soulmates or romantically in love with each other, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with wade

and so when he puts down the needle and stares at wade, wade looks at him funny and asks, “Whats up petey pie?”

peter asks, “Wanna get married?”


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

just realized i haven't done any hogwarts au so that's gotta fucking change

peter and wade being in different houses and meeting totally by accident, falling into each other on the trick stairs, smashing into each other while practicing on their brooms, wade hiding in the library behind peter while hes studying, accidentally end up running from a pissed magical creature together

peter and wade having class together and wade making faces at him from across the room while peter tries not to laugh

peter and wade sitting on opposite ends of the dining hall and wade just tries starting conversations by screaming at him and peter just yelling at him to shut up for fucks sake just talk to me like a normal person, but wheres the fun in that

peter getting bitten by a magical, assumed mythical, spider creature and developing powers that he tries to hide bc holy shit what did i do this is probably grounds to kick me out and you'll have to drag me out of fucking wizard school kicking and screaming

wade has magical scars that can’t be healed, he got them when his well meaning foster parents found out he was going to die and there was nothing st. mungos could do for him, they sought out another opinion, one that unfortunately relied on dark magic that went horribly wrong, but on the bright side, he’s semi immortal now, if that's a good side

wade helping peter hide his powers bc shit man he’s a pureblood he knows that what peter did was grounds for obliviating peter and kicking him out

peter finds it really easy to hide his powers bc stuck to a wall? i think it was that weird candy i ate, massive headache? the er stars were not in position today and it was really messing with his uhhhh health, super strength? well that's not what that charm was supposed to do i must’ve said it wrong


	82. Chapter 82

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

wade @ the voices in his head: kill me yourself you fucking cowards


	83. Chapter 83

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

peter parker, born a halfblood and raised by his muggle aunt and uncle, gets sorted into gryffindor

peter has his own moral code and sticks to it regardless of the dangers and repercussions or how unrealistic it might be to others, he makes himself the change he wants to see in the world and will fight to make it happen

peter has a black and white morality when it comes to right and wrong, but he understands that not everyone has the same views and he doesn’t demonize others for sticking to their own morally grey view of the world, in fact he’s all about second chances and helping people discover a better side of themselves, he continually tries to see the good in people every time

peter is a self sacrificing idiot who keeps jumping at the chance to save others at great cost to himself, he understands that power is dangerous and believes that he has a responsibility to use his magic for the right reason even if that means outing himself to muggles, “with great power comes great responsibility”

peter actually has a very hard time coming to terms with magic just because it defies everything hes ever been taught, everything hes ever learned about how the world works, like magic is still fucking cool, but hes continually frustrated by how little wizards know about their own biology and abilities, it makes him question everything hes taught at hogwarts

peter ends up taking out his frustrations by systematically testing and recording the results of numerous experimentations with his own magical limits and compiling a set of rules he can hold magic to because fuck your outdated magic school syllabus

“Magic’s just science that we don’t understand yet” becomes his motto

peter ends up sorting magic into two categories: practical and bullshit aesthetic

practical magic includes things like spells that have a tangible effect on himself or the world around him, the other one is mostly things that are done for either tradition or appearances and has no discernible effect on himself or the world around him, peter sneaks ballpoint pens into hogwarts asap

peter still takes the bullshit classes because he needs the easy grades so he can take all the cool classes he wants to like advanced everything and read a million books on everything wizarding, because hes at fucking magic school??? why would you not want to learn everything???

peter is fucking appalled at the lack of core concepts like reading, writing, math, and science

he couldnt find a goddamn book on science that wasnt related to fucking alchemy and made a formal complaint to the schoolboard because one of his teachers tried to convince him the earth was flat

he has difficulties trusting in others and asking for help, believing that if he can’t do it on his own, then he has no right to make his problems someone else’s problem, he holds himself to a higher standard than he does others

peter calls bullshit on the electronics ban and brings all his crap to hogwarts, he spends hours trying to code something that will be able to either avoid or interact with magic, which he does not know how to do, but fuck it because dumbledore told him he couldn’t do it so now its his goddamn life’s mission, some other kids find out about what hes doing and soon enough they have an electronics club that meets once a week to bemoan their collective failures, sometimes purebloods show up to ogle at the muggle things and try to comprehend what the club is doing with awestruck faces

when they finally succeed, its patchy and slow and horrible, but the effects in hogwarts are explosive

for an entire week almost no one shows up to class because muggleborns, half bloods, and purebloods alike are too busy recovering from massive netflix binge sessions and newly found social media addictions

memes become teachers’ worst nightmares and wizarding homework help sites pop up overnight, books are given ebook forms and catalogued information makes the outdated school a thousand times easier

wizarding kids make and watch instructional videos on how to hold your wand and properly pronounce spells and after someone brought a phone to potions to get reaction images of snape, that became a whole thing

no one really remembers in a month, but it was peter that orchestrated the whole thing because “magic just doesn’t work with electronics” went into his bullshit aesthetic category and he couldn’t accept that


	84. Chapter 84

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

when peter parker first picked up his wand, it oozed pale blue smoke and smelled faintly of home, that’s how peter knew it was the one deep in his gut

his wand is made of cypress, a wood known for its relation to nobility, of which peter is obviously the exception, it is said that owners of cypress wands are much like the ideal gryffindor: strong, brave and self-sacrificing, aunt may constantly worries that peter’s wand will lead him to an early death, heroic as it may be

his wand holds a unicorn hair core, a testament to peter’s unfailing sense of morality, when he first learned that wands with unicorn hair were prone to melancholy, he took to talking to his wand to keep it’s spirits up, not realizing that what he was doing made him look insane to other wizards, he even named it karen

peter’s wand is a bit on the long size at 15 and ½ inches, and he finds it a bit cumbersome to maneuver for the first four years that he had it, his wand is fairly plain looking, straight with a faint spiral carved into it’s handle and unobtrusive carvings running the length of the wood

peter finds it harder to control his wand after his unfortunate run in with a wizarding spider crypid that granted, or rather cursed him with powers, his magic becomes exponentially more powerful and it takes him time and exhausting amounts of effort to learn to control it


	85. Chapter 85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

pureblood wade wilson who got sorted into hufflepuff, and was not fucking happy about it

he wanted to be in gryffindor or slytherin, or hell, even ravenclaw if it mean he wasn’t in the rejects house

wade isn’t brave, in fact he’s often a coward, he runs from responsibility and anything that has the potential to implode no matter how good or helpful it has the potential to be, that’s as far as self preservation goes because he’s reckless with his own body, not caring when he gets hurt, he’s not brave enough to ask to be in gryffindor

while wade can be cunning, he’s not ambitious enough for slytherin, he just looks out for himself, no more and no less, he has no grand scheme or plan for his own life and is satisfied just scraping by as long as he comes out not owing anybody anything

similarly, he’s not creative enough for ravenclaw, he may be unusual and unpredictable, but that doesn’t mean he values intelligence, in fact he rather likes being ignorant, its easier to play neutral and not even bother to get involved, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just means he’s not the guy risking his life for some poor sap, he’s not trying to be a fucking martyr

at the same time, wade values fairness, he doesn’t like being treated like a kid, or looked down on, and he doesnt like seeing it happen to other people either, and sure he’d stand up for others, but only if it means hes not the one getting punched in the face instead, he likes to really stand behind a reason before he takes a kick in the jewels for it

the sorting hat saw kindness in wade that he himself didn’t even realize, such a short lifetime full of awful things, and he still tries his very best to hold on to his morals, he never fucks with anyone that doesn’t deserve it and he forgives people things that he probably shouldn’t, after everything, he still believes that there’s good out there, it takes a hell of a lot of work to find it, but its out there somewhere

while his fellow hufflepuffs do try to include him in things, wade makes it difficult, its not that he’s just not a friendly person to begin with, the problem is he sees their friendliness as pity, and he can’t stand being fucking pitied, he’s generally the most uncooperative and unfriendly hufflepuff in existance

wade likes taking the easy path, the easy path isn’t necessarily conventional or even wise, but it fucking works, like casting a spell on your teacher so that they can’t remember to give the test today

wade ends up in detention a lot because he disrupts class a lot and its usually because he thought of something cool and wanted to try it out immediately, which is why he got a months worth of detention for accidentally turning his entire class green for a week during potions, hes got little to no impulse control and rarely thinks out the consequences of his actions, just the results

wade comes to love being a hufflepuff because they seriously have the best in house relations with everyone and that grudge match on the quidditch field between gryffindor and slytherin was fucking brutal, thank god he’s not a part of that bullshit, also if you come to the kitchens late at night the house elves are more than happy to whip up a snack

also hufflepuffs have such a diverse set of skills, wade once pulled together a crack team of talented pranksters and dominated the interhouse unofficial prank war, hufflepuffs work well together, and its a good feeling to know there’s always somebody there to catch you if you fall

but mostly, being a hufflepuff taught wade that he didn’t have to be anything, he didn’t have to push people away and he didn’t have to struggle through life alone, and he didn’t have to pretend or lie or live up to anyone’s expectations for him, not even his own

he’s allowed to fail and to mess up and to get back up and try again, he didn’t need to justify his existence or find a purpose, he’s allowed to just be, and that was probably the most freeing thing he’d ever known, the whole point of hufflepuff is not having to justify why you’re in that house


	86. Chapter 86

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

wade wilson’s wand is made of applewood, a less common material said to be powerful in the hands of one with high aims, because of the common theme of immortality being linked to it’s fruit, is said to predict the wand owner’s longevity

unfortunately, applewood has a reputation for not working well with dark magic, wade only began having problems with his wand after failed dark magic scarred his skin and grated him eternal health, his wand reacts negatively to the dark magic now embedded in his soul and regularly rebels causing his spells to go awry

when wade first held his wand, it made a tiny explosion in his hand, but rather than getting mad, he thought it was fitting that his wand be as unpredictable as himself

the wand was originally ten inches long, but after the incident that left his wand rebelling, wade eventually took a pocket knife to his wand in anger, pocking and marring the wood, even shortening it to 8 and ¾ inches, oddly enough it began working much more easily for him after that, even if it was less powerful than he remembered, perhaps shaving down the applewood lowered the wand’s resistance to dark magic and let the dragon heartstring work it’s temperamental but much more accommodating magic


	87. Chapter 87

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

peter parker was able to successfully produce a patronus once, but then found out it was a giant tarantula and was never able to call it again because he’s secretly terrified of spiders

peter is that kid in class that asks a million questions and accidentally gets the teacher sidetracked because what started as wand theory ended up being about the ethical and practical concerns of using legilimency on animals

peter spends a lot of his time cursing the magic cryptid spider creature that fucked over his wizarding education when he becomes an animagus and finds out he’s a spider, seriously its getting to be a problem he didn’t have arachnophobia before hogwarts and now he keeps waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where somebody steps on him and kills him

peter hates his astrology class, but it was the only open elective at the time and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t get perfect grades, for his final paper he wrote an entire thesis on how astrology was outdated and any real practical use it could have provided was being pushed aside by the theatrics and the complete disregard for realistic studies into the field, his teacher tried to fail him for that so he took it up with his head of house and walked out with a perfect grade

when peter gets bored he aims his wand at an inanimate object and says nonsense words in an attempt to discover spells, he’s disappointed when someone tells him that’s not how it works, because it sure feels like it should


	88. Chapter 88

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

peter’s muggle aunt got it into her head that hogwarts was the best school out there she could send peter to, so hogwarts was where peter went

wade grew up in Canada until he was six years old when his abusive pure blood parents just vanished, they were presumed dead and another pure blood family adopted wade, they liked him well enough, but wade always knew they were just after his fortune, they made it very clear, which is why they panicked when wade was diagnosed with terminal cancer, if he was dead then they didn’t get anything, they took him over seas to seek out … alternative methods of treatment, which was how wade ended up brutally scarred in a dark magic treatment gone wrong, on the plus side it’s almost impossible for him to die now, they don’t actually know how it works, but his foster parents feared the magical government checking in on wade and finding out what they’d done to him, so wade stayed in London against his will and started school a year late

wade had psyched himself up for hogwarts, it was going to be cool, he’d been practicing his glamour nonstop and he was going to be the only kid from “across the pond”, which is why he immediately hated peter, peter who assumed he was American and tried to play friendly, wade absolutely hated him

peter had been happy to see somebody that sounded like himself and tried to be friends with the hot older kid, but for whatever reason, wade was an absolute dick, wade went out of his way to make peter’s life hell, he was always criticizing and berating peter, peter started learning hexes and joined the duel club just so he could fight back against wade’s childhood worth of magic experience

it was one of their skirmishes that left the dining hall splattered in soup and chaos and landed them both in detention, they had to stay after classes every day and work on apology essays to the staff and other students

wade was struggling with his quill, the feathers were irritating as fuck on his skin and he kept swearing under his breath, peter gave in and handed wade a ballpoint pen, wade asked what the hell this was and peter told him it’s a muggle thing, the ink is already inside so he can just write, wade would have snapped the damn thing in half and thrown it back in peter’s half blood face, but the quill was so horrible that he gave in and tried the “pen”, wade’s entire world view shattered around him and he was now convinced muggles were geniuses

he swallowed his pride and asked peter if he could keep the pen and peter smiled and said yes and wow peter was actually kinda hot and, wade slammed on his mental breaks and went back to writing

peter haunted his thoughts after that, he kept thinking over every interaction they’d had, and how wade had been a real dick to peter for no real reason

so wade decided he had to make it up to peter, unfortunately he didn’t know how to do that, he remembered that when his foster dad was trying to apologize to his foster mom he gave her gifts, maybe that could work

so wade got peter a a broom, he pulled peter aside and said it was because he didn’t want to owe peter for the pen because wade didn’t do feelings well, except the blood drained from peters face and he absolutely refused to take it, said it was too expensive

wade snapped the broom over his knee later and it exploded, why was peter so goddamn infuriating, wade was trying to play nice, he got peter a broom, muggleborns love that shit, so why the hell didn’t peter

wade decided he just hadn’t found the right gift and started asking around hufflepuff to see what wizards that grew up around muggles were interested in

wade ended up with a magic locket that only gave up its secrets to its owner, mood hair dye, a poly juice potion making kit, and a metric shitload of magic candies

wade decided that this time he’d send everything to peter anonymously, he used his owl to drop off the gifts at peters feet when he least expected it, this way peter couldn’t refuse, but to his bafflement peter wouldn’t use any of the things he sent him, he knew because he hid and watched every time

eventually wade got caught at the owlery when peter went to borrow a school owl to send a letter to his aunt, the same time wade was tying a package for peter to a suspiciously familiar owl


	89. Chapter 89

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

wade has a family owl that he inherited when his parents vanished, he’s not overly fond of the thing, but it’s the last real tie he has to his old life, so he keeps it, even if old Sharpclaw isn’t as good as he used to be

peter got a snake, it’s a little garden snake and it likes to coil up around his neck just under his robes, her name is Karen and when she’s mad at him she tickles his neck with her tongue, peter gets some odd looks and all since he’s a gryffindor with a snake, but for the most part nobody bothers to explain to him why snakes are kind of a no in hogwarts


	90. Chapter 90

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

wade did the mature thing when peter caught him and ran for his fucking life, unfortunately it’s hard to avoid people when you’re trapped in a stone prison with them, but wade tried his hardest, he camped out in the room of requirement instead of going to class

peter found him there when he walked by the room with wade on his mind, the door materialized in front of him and peter, apparently having learned nothing from his previous wizarding misadventures, opens the door

the room traps them both there for most of the night, they get into a screaming match and wade yells at peter to stop being so fucking perfect and immediately tries to take it back, and peter is just so fed up that he yells at wade to fucking grow up and tell him why hes pulling this shit, and wade admits that he’s just trying to say thank you and peter is making it so damn hard and peter is exasperated because then just talk to me you fucking idiot i have ears

and two messy apologies later they’re finally on better terms, the door pops back up and they part ways, and peter confuses the hell out of wade when he sits next to him in class and hops tables to eat with wade, wade isn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth and takes it in stride, he’s just going to keep his crush under wraps so he doesn’t scare off the only real friend he’s ever had


	91. Chapter 91

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au, hogwarts au

peter’s uncle ben has a bad run in with a wizarding pureblood supremacist group when peter is in his second to last year at hogwarts, he drops everything to go home to new york and stay with his aunt, she doesn’t fight him too much on this, because after the funeral they just can’t afford to keep peter overseas

peter just doesnt know enough about wizarding schools in the us to enroll in time, so he doesn’t, he goes back to public school and graduates a year early by using magic to forge his papers to make up for the classes he took at hogwarts, he then studies his ass off to get the rest of his classes done online, he can’t get enough scholarships to justify going to college, so he starts working, and he’s frustrated, all this power, and with it he’s amounting to jack shit

wade doesn’t do so great in school after peter left, he hadn’t made any real friends besides peter and that was how it stayed until graduation, he didn’t make grades high enough to get into any of the careers or colleges he wanted, and when he went back home, all his shit was sitting outside, his foster parents had already taken everything they could and they didn’t need him in their house anymore

so wade did something he didn’t regret, he broke into their house and stole everything valuable he could shove in his pockets, then he did something he did regret, stayed too long and got caught by his foster parents, he pulled his wand first and disarmed them both, wade had his wand shoved in his foster mother’s neck and he was seeing red, all he could think about was everything they had taken from him

his glamour fell and he could see them both avoiding looking at his skin, and that was the last straw, they couldn’t even look at what they’d done to him, and now they were going to pay for it, wade and his foster parents were all reported missing in the papers a week later

wade pawned everything he had grabbed before the robbery hit the papers and only partially successfully aparated to his parents lake house in Michigan, it was a damn good thing it was in the middle of nowhere because he fucking screamed when he realized he was missing half his thigh

wade passed out from the pain and woke up hours later with most of his leg regrown, well look at that

peter was worried when wade’s letters stopped coming, they had kept in touch through wade’s owl over the years, peter was too busy to give it much more thought

peter ended up finding his local wizarding government office and got all his papers in order, he took remedial classes at the community college and got his wizarding school degree

he ends up becoming the american version of an auror, he burns out fast, he’s been forcibly given vacation when he runs into wade again, wade is looking… bad, hes given up keeping his glamour up lately and he looked like the kinda guy peter would be looking into any other day

they click like they’d never left, wade’s mysteriously quiet about what happened after he stopped sending letters, said he lost his owl and didn’t say anything else about it, peter doesn’t press because he’s just as forthcoming about his own job


	92. Chapter 92

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

u know whats great, when peter and wade first meet out of costume in liminal spaces like in their underwear at four am in a run down laundromat, or behind a denny’s at 1am where one of them in sitting in the dumpster groaning and bleeding, or at a campus library after everyone’s been evacuated dude to the suspicious persons alert that one of them slept through, or a silent cemetery in broad daylight, or an abandoned hospital at night where neither of them should have been, or an empty bar in daylight hours when neither of them should have a reason or way to be there


	93. Chapter 93

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, au au

au au where peter ends up jumping dimensions for an alternate version of himself bc alternate peter wanted to dick around in space for a while

and when he gets there he has fun taking notes on all the little differences and possibly stealing schematics on cool shit this peter invented that he hasn't yet and trying not to cry when he gets to see people that have been dead in his world for years now

and then he meets deadpool, this deadpool, and it completely throws him bc this wade doesn't give two shits about him and when he pointed a gun at peter’s face, his spidey sense had him dodging the bullet just in the nick of time

and peter just wants to know why, what made this wade so different from the one hes used to, what happened to wade casually flirting with everybody, the kind that always made peter laugh

or wade freaking out about teamups with all kinds of superheros, wade honestly trying to be a better person, wade trying to help people even when they thought he had the worst intentions

this wade had just, given up, and peter being peter couldn’t just let that go, not after knowing his wade’s insecurities and fears and hopes and dreams

and when he finally, finally breaks down this wades walls he starts realizing, he might be in love with wade, but he cant figure out which fucking wade

and just when peter thinks it cant get any worse, other peter shows up again and he wants his life back, well crap


	94. Chapter 94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman

peter taking up actual sewing projects when he gets venom bc there's no more tears to stitch up but he misses sewing just because of how cathartic it is

peter joining drama club bc they need a costume person and peter is the only one they can think of that can sew

peter carries around a sewing kit all the time and routinely fixes holes in his friends’ clothes at school and stitches buttons back on, he’s a lifesaver sometimes

peter teaching venom how fabric works and how to look like clothes so that venom doesn’t do that thing where it looks like peter’s in zero gravity


	95. Chapter 95

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter lets slip that wade usually doesn’t set off his spidey sense you can bet your ass wade takes full advantage of that

sneak attack hugs, what the fuck are you doing in my house wade it’s 4 in the goddamn morning

“stealth” everything

throwing things at peter to see how dangerous it has to be before his spidey sense reacts

sneaking up behind peter to steal his one liners when hes fighting villains

scaring peter just to see how high he jumps, once he got peter to stick to thor


	96. Chapter 96

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter always have really high body temperatures, wade because his immune system is always in overdrive and peter because his metabolism is so high

peter used it all the time when he had been in high school, the nurse would send him home worried and aunt may would try to take him to the hospital

now it means that when peter and wade cuddle its always _warm_ and comfortable

but when they go to sleep, all the sheets get kicked off the bed and they both end up sprawled out on top of each other in nothing but boxers, sweating like two space heaters


	97. Chapter 97

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade make fun of each other when they mistakenly try to eat before taking off their masks

it happens depressingly often, it takes forever to get taco grease out of mask material


	98. Chapter 98

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter feeling like he’ll never be a real hero with all the anti-spiderman propaganda, the police hating him, and random people mistaking him for the bad guy when he tries to save them

wade admitting that spiderman is his hero and that peter is what wade tried to model himself after when he decided to turn things around

peter tearing up behind his mask and trying not to let it show when he thanks wade for believing in him


	99. Chapter 99

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

wade runs from emotional intimacy and responsibility soon after he and peter start dating

wade ends up at st margret’s looking for a job that’ll get him out of the country, possibly forever

when peter bursts through the door, the rage of a spider scorned in his eyes, marches through the usual crowd of assassins and killers right up to wade who looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler, and manhandles his ass out of there, wade apologizing and making excuses the whole way

weasel and everyone else at the hellhouse are understandably confused and a little bit scared, because that was wade fucking wilson, deadpool, the crazy fuck that couldn't die

the next time wade shows up, it’s to show off his boyfriend, and everybody leaves peter alone, because even though he looks like even weasel could snap him like a toothpick, nobody tells wade wilson what to do and lives, much less carries him out of a bar like its nbd

everyone at st margret's is convinced that peter is either some sort of demon incarnate or the world’s most powerful sorcerer

weasel gives him free drinks


	100. Chapter 100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

every time somebody tries to take a hit out on spiderman, it’s an unwritten but heavily enforced rule that the information goes to deadpool

wade cheats the scumbag out of as much money as he can before tracking them down and putting the fear of the devil in them, and the urge to not try to kill spiderman

sometimes, if they need more money for rent that month because they accidentally spent it on a trampoline, peter will put on the suit and pretend to be dead or tortured so that wade can get the full reward before he hunts down his “clients”


	101. Chapter 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

peter gets overwhelmed when loki turns the avengers into toddlers and he’s the only one to make sure they don't accidentally level new york

he can’t get a hold of anybody else, so he gives in and calls wade

wade is surprisingly good with children, he keeps them happy, even if he has some unconventional means of doing so, like letting natasha, clint and tony throw eggs off the roof and try to hit people on the ground

toddler bruce throws a tantrum and hulks out, peter has to web the rest of the avengers to safety while wade distracts tiny hulk with his key chain, tiny thor is v determined to help his friend and keeps breaking things trying to get away

tiny cap is a bossy kid and he keeps biting peter and wade when he doesn’t get what he wants, it’s a damn good thing they both have healing powers because steve still has his super strength


	102. Chapter 102

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter getting wade flustered and wade trying to brush it off or cover it up by using bad pick up lines, except he keeps messing up and making it worse

“did it hurt when you heaven fell on… you? What?”

and then peter being a little shit and enjoying the ever loving fuck out of wade being embarrassed because he thinks its adorable, maybe he even makes it worse on purpose

“no, because i fell right into your arms,” said peter, being a little shit

*strangled whimper*


	103. Chapter 103

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, amnesia, dysfunctional relationship

peter gets hit hard in the head as spiderman and wakes up with no idea who the hell he is

and the first person he meets that seems to actually know something about him is deadpool, who tries to stab him to see if hes a robot or an evil clone or something, but peter’s spidey sense saved him that particular pain and convinced wade he was the real deal

so wade tries to recount everything he knows about spiderman, which is actually depressingly little, and he stops peter from taking off his mask because spiderman values his secret identity

peter ends up reluctantly crashing at wade’s place for the night, and when peter still hasn’t recovered in the morning, wade offers to try and help jog his memory by going to places he’s seen spiderman at before

peter relearns how to use his powers using what excited instruction wade can provide, peter half carries wade up the empire state building, because wade sees peter brooding up there all the time, peter thinks the view is breathtaking, he can hear and see everything

they go to their usual hang out spot and wade brings food, and it feels comfortable, and then peter asks wade about himself, not spiderman

and wade tries to deflect, because he doesn't want this spidey to know what a terrible person he is just yet, he wanted to keep thing going for as long as he could

peter gets frustrated that he cant remember anything, he runs into one of the avengers who asks what the hell he’s been doing and why they haven't been able to get a hold of him at all, and peter explains he has no idea who he is, and the avengers offer medical help

but wade swoops in and tells them to fuck off and accuses them of using peter’s amnesia to get at his secret identity, and peter having trusted wade and only wade and had nothing bad happen to him, takes wade’s side and turns down the avengers even when it could have helped

eventually peter gets knocked in the head again and gets his memories back, along with a killer headache, and suddenly realizes what wade’s been doing this whole time, he blows up at wade and wade just takes it because he was expecting this, he deserved this

and peter burns himself out being angry and runs away, just to realize he misses being around wade, he hadn’t realized how lonely he was, and maybe it would be okay to let wade use him, if he used wade in return

its not a healthy relationship, and they both know that, but neither of them wants to be alone again, even if it means they just keep letting their anger and hatred boil without doing anything about it, at this point they’re both too scared to change anything


	104. Chapter 104

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** why are you helping me

 **Peter:** my life is a mess right now and I compulsively take care of other people when I don't know how to take care of myself

 **Wade:** oh, i was hoping it was because you believed in me

 **Peter:** lol no


	105. Chapter 105

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, wedding, drinking

that one time the avengers discovered asguardian alcohol and went on a three day bender in vegas and caused the biggest pr nightmare SHIELD has ever had to deal with

peter thinks hes gotten out of it mostly unscathed, not counting his massive hangover, since he was out of costume and nobody was really paying attention to some drunk college kid when the entire avengers team was there to ogle

and then he realizes he’s got on a ring, like a wedding ring, it’s a quiet silver band and on the inside is inscribed the words “fuck yeah” in pretty cursive, and peter thinks ah shit

elsewhere wade wakes up hurting worse than he usually does in a dumpster with the vague feeling that he forgot something he wanted very much at the time to remember, he finds a silver ring on his finger with the words “wanna get married” on the inside, and digs through his pockets where he finds a crumpled marriage certificate, “who the hell is peter parker”

wade ends up accidentally meeting peter again, and it takes a second for the fuzzy memory to kick him in the metaphorical ass, but when it does he walks right over and introduces himself

peter, since he knows wade as spiderman, pretends he’s never heard of wade before and as far as peter was concerned, that was that

either peter parker didn’t remember, which was possible since wade still couldn’t get a grip on what had happened in vegas anyways, or he didn’t want to remember, which wade understood, so he leaves parker alone, except that’s not what the universe wants apparently, because peter and wade keep getting thrown together no matter how much they try to avoid it

peter remembers first, that he proposed to wade while they were both shit faced and making out on top of a roulette table somewhere fancy, wade had said fuck yeah, so that’s what peter got on his ring, peter avoided wade with a vengeance for the next week

much later wade gets a flash of something, he’d been getting his memories from vegas back piece by piece, and it really wasn’t helping, he liked that night, hell, he liked peter parker, who drug them both around vegas laughing like a maniac all the way and proposed in the middle of getting thrown out of another casino, peter parker who for just that night had genuinely had fun with and liked wade

but when this memory popped into his head, he dropped a knife he’d been cleaning on his foot and lost his pinky toe again, he remembered peter parker drunkenly leaning in close and whispering “ssshhhhhh, don’t tell anybody, but I’m spiderman”


	106. Chapter 106

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

peter and wade once tried to have sex on every surface in their apartment, it required a lot of out of the box thinking and flexibility and while there were a couple places that just did not work out, they still gave it the old college try

wade and peter always laugh when they remember the cum stain on the ceiling, there’s also a head sized dent in two of the walls and they still haven’t gotten a new closet door


	107. Chapter 107

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter falls in love with wade soon after they meet, so peter lays it all out for wade, tells him exactly what he thinks, what he wants, and that hes willing to wait, wade runs

its shaky, but eventually wade comes back, they banter and fight and eat together, and wade thinks that peter’s put it all behind him, and then peter leans against wade when they’re sitting on the roof together and hums contentedly, this time it takes wade a little longer to bolt

it keeps going like this, peter pushing and wade running, but every time it takes more from peter and more time for wade to run

and then one day wade says ok, and he doesn’t run anymore


	108. Chapter 108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, angst

whenever peter visits the tower, he’s taken to jumping out of windows and scaling his way back down instead of taking the elevator, he does it so much that jarvis usually opens a window when peter starts running at it

except he forgets that jarvis isn’t around anymore and slams headfirst into the shut window, it clicks open too late and he thanks friday before just taking the elevator, the concussion took the fun out of it


	109. Chapter 109

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter isn't a very touchy feely kinda person, but he’s also not the kind of person that sets strict boundaries, so he ends up just letting other people decide how touchy feely he gets

like with most of the avengers, they stay pretty standoffish and most of them have problems with people touching them anyways, a lifetime of poorly ignored ptsd and trauma do that

with his friends, he hugs and cuddles like normal

so when wade, wade who peter has no problems laying on top of when bored and pushing around playfully and just straight up has no boundaries with him, finds out that peter _isn’t_ normally a touchy feely person, he gets the stupidest fucking smile on his face because he’s special


	110. Chapter 110

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, body horror, scientist au, nsfw

mad scientist peter parker that's hella creepy and secretly takes home bits of wade that get chopped off in battle bc he thinks its fascinating, like he’s got a whole shelf of catalogued bones and organs in suspended animation in a vault in his lab

deadpool once got decapitated and peter took both the body and the head home, he was secretly delighted when the body grew a new head and the old head stayed dead, he stripped the rotting flesh from the head and now has an almost complete skeleton of wade

wade once caught spiderman running off with his severed foot and shoved a gun in his face, demanding answers

peter made up an excuse that he was trying to return it to wade, and even though wade didn’t exactly believe him, he didn’t shoot spidey either, and now he starts noticing weird things, like spiderman keeping wade’s wrappers whenever they eat together and how his missing limbs stay missing when the wall crawler is around

peter resisting the urge to take that third rib bone he wants to finish his deadpool skeleton when dp gets shot in the head

peter messing around with chunks of wade’s flesh and muscle and finding out some weird shit, like how to mess with the healing factor, he tests the results on himself and his findings work, so next time dp is out for the count, peter injects him with something that sends his healing factor into overdrive and deadpool is back in record time, it’s even saved peter’s life more than once

he also found out how to reverse the healing factor, and eventually how to target the cancer cells specifically with the anti healing serum, he’s gotten to the point where he can get wade’s healthy cells to rid a section of muscle of all cancer cells in seven hours

peter offering the treatment to wade, wade goes carefully blank and accepts, only because he wants to destroy whatever information spiderman’s got on weapon x before killing him

wade flipping out at the gruesome display when he breaks into the rest of the lab, peter being confused because he was p sure that wade knew he took his body parts, wade yelling that he thought it was because spiderman ate them, peter yelling back what the fuck why would i eat you, wade yelling well i don’t know but it makes a hell of a lot more sense than this, he says while pointing at the macabre wall of flesh, blood and bone that has become a shrine of sorts to wade


	111. Chapter 111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, murder, gore, organized crime au

symbiote peter as a mob boss who has the gruesome reputation of literally hunting down and eating his enemies and anyone who tries to fuck him over

wade doesn't care because he doesn't plan on fucking his employers over unless they do it to him first, and its nice to know the guy has standards

peter is… impressed with deadpool’s work, he always delivers, and his reputation is more fearsome than even his own to some because there's at least the hope that peter can die, no such luck with deadpool

and no matter what peter does it never phases him, like he’s executed the targets he paid deadpool to bring in alive right in front of him, ripped them limb from limb, and he just asked if peter was going to pay his dry cleaning bill

which he did

peter ends up keeping tabs on the merc, and maybe he terrifies any potential clients of deadpool’s into into choosing another gun for hire, because he likes the idea of getting the merc with a mouth on his exclusive payroll

wade is less enthused by the idea and comes crashing in yelling about how he likes maintaining a certain level of comfort, and peter coming between him and his damn custom armani silk boxers means somebody is gonna die today

peter, true to his Villain Suave™, just sidesteps the bullets and grabs the barrel of the gun pointed in his face and crushes it in his bare hand, venom bubbling off his shoulders as they prepare for a fight

peter ends up cutting wade a v favorable deal, they become the criminal underworld’s murder power couple


	112. Chapter 112

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

things wade and peter have probably done while having sex:

sung eye of the tiger in its entirety

kept an argument going the entire time

laughed so hard they couldn’t finish

broke the furniture, like all of it

speaking of broken furniture, shower sex ended badly with a hole where the shower head should have been

wade shouted his own name when he came once

peter sucked his own dick once and got semen in his eye

they both fell asleep in the middle of it after stopping a particularly stressful end of the world type event, woke up later and carried on  
got distracted by a squirrel outside the window

abandoned the bedroom mid fuck bc there was a spider and neither wanted to be the one that had to kill it while nude

“are you feeling it now mr. krabs?”

left the tv on and an awful commercial came on, proceeded to mock the commercial while still fucking

peter and wade have one of those big red “that was easy” buttons, both peter and wade have stormed out with the other laughing uncontrollably at a perfectly timed button press

its become a whole thing for them to find a pair of handcuffs neither of them can break out of during sex, between peter’s super strength and wade’s willingness to dislocate his own wrists just to win they still havent found one


	113. Chapter 113

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, ironman

peter is a huge nerd so whenever other supers leave broken tech on the battlefield u can bet your ass broke-as-shit-parker is gonna cannibalize everything he can get his hands on for suit parts

this is how he got his hands on working iron man gauntlets and boots, the only problem was they were from different models so he had to adjust them all before he could fulfill one of his lifelong dreams, he’s seen later screaming across the ny skyline, in costume, “i’m the flying fucking spider”

tony shows up minutes later to re confiscate his tech from spiderman, who has gotten himself stuck in a billboard, it was fun while it lasted


	114. Chapter 114

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, stalker, dysfunctional relationship

wade who falls head over heels for peter when he finds out peter’s secret identity, wade who doesn't understand functional and healthy relationships making peter think he has a stalker, wade using peter’s fear to get closer to him and make peter paranoid about everyone else in his life

peter realizing whats going on and playing stupid, peter thinking its flattering that wade was going to all the trouble to make sure peter wouldn’t leave him, peter encouraging wade so that he wouldn’t loose interest in peter


	115. Chapter 115

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, touch starvation

touch starved wade falling in love with spiderman because he's the first person to touch wade in months or even years

it’s definitely something insignificant, peter’s hand on wade’s arm over a tear in his suit, peters fingertips just brushing the back of his hand when he reaches for a burrito, skin touching skin when he bumps wade and both their suits are in shreds

and its just that little moment that sends wade reeling, his skin is buzzing where peter touched it, he’s a little bit floatly like hes just fallen in love, and he has to come down from that split second of euphoria back to reality and realize he completely zoned out there, he has to shake it off and clear his throat and pretend that everything is fine


	116. Chapter 116

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, orgainized crime au

symbiote spiderman that establishes themself as the resident crime lord, they drive out or assimilate the other existing organizations

peter ends up with several restaurants that work as fronts for money laundering, but they’re actually pretty good restaurants, people usually refer to them as “you know that one [food type] place that’s a front”, its just a generally accepted thing

“i'm just your friendly neighborhood crime lord”

peter runs a tight ship and anything that happens in his city, he finds out and he takes care of it

he almost singlehandedly halved crime rates in just three years, he paid to put actually competent people in office, and if any of them try to crack down on organized crime, information that quickly gets them removed from office magically turns up

peter takes great pride in ruling his city with an iron fist


	117. Chapter 117

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

in the middle of fighting a generic furry villain who turns people into animals, peter sees wade go down with a blast to the chest out of the corner of his eye, he manages to break the machine and save the day

the citizens are turned back into humans and peter webs up the bad guy for the cops to pick up when they arrive, but when he goes to thank wade for the support, he finds a very hairless, scraggly looking cat sitting in a pile of weaponry and kevlar

peter doesn’t actually know why wade didn’t turn back, so he picks up the smashed cat ray and carefully scoops up cat wade and takes them both to the tower for analysis, tony and bruce tell him it’ll take a couple days to figure out how to reverse the ray

and in the meantime, peter doesn't trust shield with access to cat deadpool, so he winds up taking wade home with him, and he makes sure to tell cat wade this is just until tony fixes you ok

except wade is a huge dick as a cat, he scratches everything to shreds out of boredom and refuses to eat cat food, and his carefully prepared human food has to be served on a plate on the table, and he will not listen to peter when peter tells him not to walk on the counters, and when peter tries to pick him up he gets mauled

but cat wade does come around eventually, and peter wakes up the next day with a warm hairless cat sprawled on his face, and the garbled purr he makes has peter laughing and recording it because it sounds so cute, and peter has been giving wade chin scritches for half an hour now does it really feel that good

its been a week already and peter is starting to get worried because nobody can figure out why wade didn’t just turn back into a human when the device was broken, literally all evidence says he should have, peter has taken to giving cat wade pep talks just in case he was worried about what was taking so long

almost two weeks later peter runs into deadpool on a patrol and nearly lets go of the window he’s holding on to because when the fuck did that happen???, peter resolutely does not tell wade about the cat living in his apartment that he regularly feeds specially cooked meals to, he quietly visits avengers tower and tells jarvis just to shut down the project so he doesn't have to explain his huge fuck up

he keeps the cat though, and when he stumbles into his apartment with wade in tow after a particularly nasty fight, wade wakes up to the ugliest cat ever sitting on his chest, watching him breathe through narrowed milky eyes, peter begrudgingly tells him the cat’s name is wade


	118. Chapter 118

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, loki

one time peter is heading home from an exhausting night of crime fighting and sees a sad little cat stuck out in the rain, and his heart just breaks so he brings it home and cracks open a can of tuna he found in the back of his pantry he’ll never eat

and the next day he lets it go, but when he puts on the costume and starts doing his rounds he keeps running into the cat, and yeah it’s a little weird that a cat can keep up with him as he runs around ny, but it's a really cute cat

and the third time it follows him home, and after it broke into his house once, he buys cat food and a collar, and that’s how peter got adopted by a cat

and this cat is the bane of his existence because it’s fucking smart, like it learned how to dig out the cat food cans, put them on the ground under the counter, and shove off heavy jars and whatever it takes to smash open the cat food cans

peter really starts to get paranoid when he comes home one day and the cat is sitting on the remote, watching tv, when peter left the tv off when he went to work that morning, he tries to brush it off because the cat was just watching house hunters, but its when he looks through his browser history that he really starts to freak out

he puts two and two together when spiderman talks to a worried thor who’s looking for his runaway brother, his brother who is a known shapeshifter

so when he comes home that night he picks up a shock collar first, one that he’s absolutely certain loki won’t be able to shake off


	119. Chapter 119

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, murder

peter didn’t ask for the bite, it was just bad luck and chance that peter was the one who got in the werewolf’s way, he didn’t have an easy time of it either without anybody to walk him through all the werewolf bullshit

eventually the local pack found out about him and natasha, the leader, took him under her wing, he resents being the pack baby but the metamorphosis is hell when nobody’s around to look after you, and he likes being in a pack, werewolves are social creatures after all

which is why wade wilson is so confusing, he’s a lone wolf and everybody in the pack has warned peter against him at least once

too bad peter is shit at doing what he’s told, plus he’s still young enough to be stubbornly naive

wade, as it turns out, isn’t as feral as everyone made him out to be, and peter likes him, he was the one that saved peter when he accidentally strayed onto a hunting reserve, and wade is always careful not to bite anyone

its only later that peter finds out why people are really scared of wade, he’s not a werewolf, he’s an experiment gone wrong, he never got the bite, yet he can transform whenever he pleases and so far no one knows how to kill him while he’s in his wolf form, that’s why he refuses to bite anyone, he doesn’t want any more monsters running around

peter is a grown ass adult and he’s getting sick and tired of his pack trying to police and guard him, he’s the youngest in the pack but he’s not a child and it’s demeaning to be infantilized in front of everyone

when a suspicious string of werewolf murders crops up outside of the full moon, peter is the only one that takes wade’s side and tries to hide him from the others while they try to clear wade’s name, wade sees red when he recognizes the murderer

this time it’s peter who saves wade, it was an accident, one that goes against everything he’s ever believed, he hadn’t meant to kill anybody, but in the moment it was kill or lose wade


	120. Chapter 120

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

monster!peter parker that gets reluctantly adopted by wade who is also in a bad situation for mutual benefit is my jam

snake monster peter hissing at wade when he’s angry and accidentally crushing things with his tail when he’s not paying attention

harpie peter that claws the fuck out of wade for the smallest slight and doesn’t give a crap that wade’s floors will be forever scratched to hell

mermaid peter that wade unhappily ended up with after a black market deal gone wrong, he complains about fucking everything and gets so mad when wade forgets to compliment him, he keeps stealing wade’s guns because they’re shiny

draconic peter that saves wade and decides that wade is part of his horde now but wade won’t go home with peter so peter moves all his shit into wade’s house and hordes every bit of precious metal he can find, peter also hoards cash which is r fucking annoying when wade just wants to tip the poor pizza delivery person

reaper peter that was unfortunate enough to get stuck with wade, no matter how hard he tries he can’t get wade to just fucking stay dead, wade gets over the not blinking thing pretty quick and introduces peter to food


	121. Chapter 121

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, monster au, haunted house au

wade is looking for somewhere to lay low for a while, maybe a long while, somewhere nobody else would be stupid enough to hide

which is how wade ended up buying a haunted house, sure it’s creepy as hell and the cobweb problem is way out of control, but hey temporary home sweet home

wade isn’t really worried about being haunted, after all what are ghosts to an immortal?, he soon finds out that even if ghosts can’t kill him, they can still scare the ever loving shit out of him

it’s a good thing wade is stubborn as fuck and refuses to let some punk ass ghost move him out of the best hiding spot he’s found so far, or maybe it’s a bad thing

the novelty of being haunted quickly wears off, and since he has trouble distinguishing between the schizophrenic hallucinations and the resident ghost replacing his cereal with spiders, well he wasn’t trying to offend the ghost, it just got mad that he wasn’t so jumpy anymore

wade started trading insults with the ghost, it started out with him writing “fuck off” under the bleeding hand prints on the mirror, this morning he found a piece of paper with an obviously fake eviction notice written in blood on the table, why is it always blood

the first time the ghost tried talking was when wade came home covered in blood, his intestines spilling out between his fingers, the ghost had screamed at him to leave before he died here

wade had had a particularly bad day, so he yelled back, and by the time their shouting match was over, wade’s stomach had healed over his hastily tucked in organs

wade woke up the next day to milky eyes staring straight through whatever was left of his soul, he totally did not shriek, the ghost looked… young, high school kid maybe, it would really be great if he could stop scuttling around the walls like a human spider

“what are you?” the ghost asked him, like wall crawling was totally not the issue here

so wade gave in to his curiosity and made a trade, he told the ghost about himself and the ghost spilled his nonexistent guts too, that’s how he formally met peter

peter, as it turns out, did not make a bad flatmate, kid had a wicked sense of humor and spider hoarding aside, he sometimes cleaned up the place when he couldn’t stand how filthy wade had let it become

wade once asked him about the blood thing, peter had explained that he had died in a bloody massacre, some slasher had broken into the building and cornered him, peter had been the only victim dead set on revenge when he died, and somehow that kept him tethered to this realm

wade asked about the murderer, peter just smiled and said he already took care of that, that’s why he came back home, after all, he couldn’t just leave his body out in the open, he also wouldn’t say where he body was now

one time, when he was out for a week on a job, wade came back to two poor wannabe assassins holed up in his bathroom, covered in blood and sweat, starving, and scared half to death, wade decided he liked peter after all

honestly, it was starting to be a thing, he was looking forward to going back home and seeing what peter had in store for him, after he gave the kid access to the internet peter had really stepped up his haunted house game, he only marginally regretted that decision, wade should have known he couldn’t even keep company with the dead

this time, when he came back from a year long mission, the building wasn’t there, it had been demolished while he was gone, and with it had gone peter

wade had walked away, let life move on, and that was going to be that, if it weren’t for the add that caught his eye several months later, one haunted hotel purchase later, wade walked through the doors of his cobweb covered, dusty new hotel

he screamed his fucking head off when a giant spider dropped from the ceiling and almost crushed him to death, his screams turned into curses when the spider’s face morphed into peter’s, peter laughed his ass off about that for weeks

wade kept the abandoned hotel empty, except for one week in october every year when peter gets to show off his stuff and put on the best haunted hotel experience the world has ever known, wade makes a killing off of it


	122. Chapter 122

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, horror au

wade and peter get stuck in a horror movie dimension when wade’s teleporter breaks mid zap

the only problem with a horror movie universe, is that it was never meant to deal with wade and peter

wade can’t die and peter has his own tricks up his sleeves, even ghouls get scared when somebody jumps on the walls and starts crawling after them while laughing like a maniac


	123. Chapter 123

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, monster au

what if peter parker is actually a vampire, like super human strength and senses, probably has fangs, hard to kill, never sleeps, is he just a college student or does the sun really hurt him

the whole spider shtick is just to distract from the really obvious vampirism, he made up the origin story on the spot, which is why it’s so unbelievable

he never bothered to buy any mirrors bc he doesn’t have the money to decorate his tiny apartment, he uses long sleeve shirts and hoodies to hide bruises that heal unnaturally fast plus its easy to hide from the sun that way

peter takes online classes during the day and takes in person night classes because he’s so not a morning person, he can go out during the day in the suit bc it’s uv protection

he only drinks small amounts of blood from the criminals he fights as spiderman, nothing anyone would miss

honestly it’s pretty easy to hide, he has more of a problem hiding spiderman than he does being a vampire


	124. Chapter 124

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship

when wade disappears, it takes two years for everyone to call him dead, peter doesn’t take it well

he breaks into wade’s old apartment and scrapes together as much dna material as he can, tony stark takes pity on peter and lets him use the lab equipment, it takes another year and a half, but peter eventually stimulates the healing factor in wade’s cells

he doesn’t tell anybody what he’s doing and manages to grow a new wade, he doesn’t remember everything wade remembers, but he still acts like wade and looks like wade

everyone is surprised when peter shows up with wade in tow, and everyone but peter can see that something isn’t right, even this wade isn’t comfortable with the way peter treats him, he knows something is wrong and it doesn’t take long until this wade takes matters into his own hands


	125. Chapter 125

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman

peter and venom fight about showers a lot, because peter actually likes taking showers, it’s warm and comfortable, and after everything hectic it feels like he’s hitting reset

venom just doesn’t see it that way, venom gets paranoid that peter is trying to separate them on purpose and always argues back that peter doesn’t need to shower when he has venom, which is true

but it just makes peter feel more human

which leads to what is, sadly, not the weirdest thing in his life right now, supervised baths, where peter feels really self conscious for exactly twenty five minutes while he bathes and tries not to look at venom, who’s just sort of a pulsating blob on top of the toilet lid that hisses occasionally

its just super weird, but peter’s not willing to give up the only time he gets to feel somewhat normal, or as normal as he can get without venom hissing at the back of his mind constantly, so venom can suck it


	126. Chapter 126

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, dysfunctional relationship, angst

peter has a lot of issues with commitment, like a lot, considering that the majority of the people he allows himself to have meaningful relationships either end up dead (usually because of him) or trying to kill him (also because of him)

so when peter finally goes for it and tries to start a relationship with wade, the very goddamn second that anyone tries to use that against peter, he panics

he panics so hard that he fakes his own death, he drops everything and runs, just flat out runs

he can’t get himself to leave his city, or stop being spiderman, so he takes on a new identity

he’s been keeping venom for a while now, and so far no one had connected the symbiote spiderman to spiderman spiderman, so he fell back on that, letting the familiar spiderman fade into the shadows after just a few patrols

he’s living in a sort of webbed nest in a condemned building the state won’t pay to demolish, he staves off venom’s hunger by feeding on whatever pests they can catch, birds, rats, the occasional accidental chunk out of some lowlife’s arm

its not good, he knows that, but he keeps telling himself it’s better this way, and venom hisses in agreement, and peter tries not to laugh because he knows its bad if venom is agreeing with him

and he thinks he’s done it, thinks he’s left it all behind, it’s easy to disappear when the real heroes show up, before they can get anything but a feral growl out of him

but then one day deadpool shows up, and he’s got that flat sound in his voice that always sent a little thrill of fear through peter when he’d first met wade, and he’s got real bullets in his gun, not rubber, and he’s ready to hurt someone if it means answers, and he’s ready to kill if he doesn’t get them, and he’s looking for peter because he refused to believe peter was dead unless he could see it for himself

well shit thinks peter, and venom agrees


	127. Chapter 127

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

wade and peter have an action figure collection, it started out as a joke, it really did, and then it just sort of… got out of control

so now they have little poseable versions of themselves and all the heroes they know plus some villains, and every time they meet a new super, they place an order and add their new figure to the collection

peter and wade keep posing the figurines when they’re bored

sometimes they make little tiny props for the figurines just for the hell of it

they’ll deny it if asked, because what hero would admit they’ve been giggling about the way wade posed the dolls so that it looks like thor is about to give hulk a blowjob, it was hilarious tho

they have a mysterio figure that has like a giant googly eye inside the fishbowl head and it follows you wherever you go, so of course they hide it around the apartment, trying to see who can scare the other more

they’re both terrible when it comes to their own action figures, they’ve already commissioned several tiny doll sized outfits and working weapons

and one day when peter wakes up and sees doll wade proposing to doll him he cracks a smile that quickly turns into something else when he turns around to see wade already down on one knee

he’s already saying yes before wade can get out the ring


	128. Chapter 128

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, dysfunctional relationship, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com) for a part 2, "Omg in that thing you just posted were Deadpool is looking for peter....what does peter say? Is he just like ‘surprise’ and hopes for the best?!?!?"

hell no, peter’s not talking to wade, he’s gotten so good at running from his problems by now he could make it an olympic sport

it would be a whole thing, wade tracking him down again and again for months because he got it into his head that this spiderman lookalike has to have something to do with the real spiderman, and peter would do his best to up and move his spider nest every time it happens

it would have to be an accident that changes anything, a pile of rebar spikes crashing down next to peter that sent venom reeling, or a sudden dip in a crashing water tower, or maybe peter gets thrown into a high voltage electric fence

something happens and venom can’t keep a hold of peter and wade can see his face

and wade just drops his gun and in the dead silence he asks “peter?” in the most heartbroken, exhausted voice, and peter can’t run after he heard that, he can’t

so he doesn’t, he just stand there in his venom suit and watches wade watch him, and wade takes a step toward him and it takes everything in peter to resist venom urging him to fucking bolt

and wade takes off his mask and looks at peter’s mask, and he decks peter in the face

peter never saw it coming, his spider sense didn’t react at all and venom was scrambling to figure out if wade was a threat or not

then wade yells at him, a year and a half’s worth of anger and pain and self deluding hope that peter could still be alive, all of that time he spent mourning, he went to peter’s goddamn funeral, he held peter’s aunt while she cried her broken heart out and he met peter’s friends, hell even the avengers showed up in disguise, tony stark said a few words, but he couldn’t finish and left early

all of that fucking tragedy so peter could dick around with an alien and forget about everybody, forget about wade, and wade laughed and peter could see that wade was crying and some part of him broke

peter started crying and venom retreated from his face with a hiss, he just grabs onto wade’s leg from where he’s sitting on the ground and he says “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry,” over and over again, because what else could he say


	129. Chapter 129

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade is _very_ intimidated by the iron spider suit and _most_ definitely in a sexual way

not only does spidey look ten times scarier with it on, but c’mon metal spider legs cracking concrete whenever he walks, which is mostly without his actual legs now, because legs are for chumps i guess

wade has a thing for being intimidated, and hey it’s not easy to fill that kink when he’s visiting death on a regular basis for gab and tea, even if the tea always kinda tastes like dust

the upgraded web shooters are totally a plus too, like he’s seen peter charge up and just fucking _blast a metal pole into the side of a car_ , sure it’s web but as soon as it hardens its as good as a goddamn steel bar

and watching him fight with four extra arms is like a fantasy come to life, peter fights with a kind of fluid grace already, but now, the way he moves, it’s like he’s faster than light and wade can’t help but stare


	130. Chapter 130

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

Wade and Peter are sitting on top of a nondescript roof, all costumed up and letting their legs dangle over the edge while they take a break from their patrol.

“You know what the worst day of the week is?” Wade asked suddenly.

“Monday?” Peter offered.

“Nah, you’d think so, but nah. It’s actually,” he leaned in close and whispered, “Saturday.”

Peter leaned away from Wade and cracked a smile under his mask. “Alright, I’ll bite. Why Saturday?”

Wade slapped his hands down on his lap. “It’s a scam! You think,” Wade switched to falsetto, “oh, it’s the weekend! I’ve got plenty of time to dick around now!”

Peter nodded along in amusement.

“But you don’t and secretly, you know. You fucking know. You’re putting off everything until Sunday, and when Sunday comes around you’re running around like a headless chicken on a shit ton of tacks, screaming about something or other that has to be done before Monday. And you’re sitting there at three a.m. cursing Saturday for making you let your guard down, even though if you could do it over nothing would change. Not a fucking thing. You’d still be doing the same goddamn thing in your underwear and staring at your clock with dead eyes. And as soon as Monday comes around it’s all about that fucker Saturday again and Saturday’s false promises.”

“Who hurt you, Wade?” Peter asked sarcastically.


	131. Chapter 131

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, secret agent au

secRET AGENT AU where wade and peter are both shield agents, but they’re both high level agents so nobody knows shit about them or their secret identities, so wade and peter literally don’t know shit about each other

shield wants them to go undercover to protect a foreign dignitary after several death threats were intercepted, peter is given the task of keeping said dignitary alive, while wade is supposed to hunt down the would be assassin

except neither of them knows about the other other than just a photo and shield telling them to ignore the other

so of course the mission has to go to shit and the dignitary gets kidnapped in a theatrically impressive heist, peter and wade both go after the mark and get in each others’ ways

it’s fucking embarrassing and they reluctantly agree to team up before shield tries to throw them under the bus for fucking this one up, and hey they end up working p well together and goddamn do they try their best to ignore the obvious sexual tension

but it only gets worse, because they’re so successful together that shield starts pairing them up for everything, and for fucks sake they’re either going to kill each other or bone and it’s a really close call which one happens first


	132. Chapter 132

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

what if the avengers start doing the make a wish foundation type thing after a contract renegotiation with shield, and sometimes they try to reach out to the lesser known heroes when they get the odd request

spidey is a fan favorite, he’s been flown out to washington before to meet a little girl, she was fucking ecstatic and peter still has a picture she drew him

the avengers don’t really know what to do when wade gets a request

hell they weren’t going to do it before spidey found out, he’s the one who tracked down the merc and asked him to come in the first place

it takes a lot of wheedling, “you’re this kid’s hero, and his hero isn’t going to let him down”

it’s a kid with terminal cancer and wade has to choke back a laugh when peter tells him, because isn’t that just fucking ironic, just so goddamn fucking hilarious

and when he gets there, he’s tight lipped and quiet, and when peter leaves the room, he can hear wade showing the kid his scars, telling him that he has cancer too

wade is quiet when they leave and it’s a little unnerving, he just leaves, and peter finds out later that an anonymous donor showed up in the hospital records with a stupid amount of money

wade attends the funeral with peter


	133. Chapter 133

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter finds a theme song somebody made for a spiderman ass kicking compilation on youtube and thinks it’s just the neatest shit ever

he goes around humming it all the time, he’s a dork and he changes his ringtone, the internet looses it’s collective shit when somebody records spiderman answering his phone and the very obvious spiderman theme song that is his ringtone


	134. Chapter 134

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

yooooo mermaid au where wade is the weird ass mermaid that has one too many battle scars bc its hell under the sea man, he’s legit eaten another merperson once, like that’s just how it works, u kill it u eat it

so when he finds out about this land shit, where people don’t try to kill and eat you on sight, well sign him up for that shit, i'd like the first ticket out of this fucking cold hell hole

and when peter gets stranded on an uninhabited island when a shield jet he was er… “borrowing“ went down, well wade is fucking ecstatic

bc look at this guy, he’s got two whole fuckin legs!! look at this shit, like a goddamn gift from the gods or whatever

so wade catches peter fish, even though peter could totally feed himself what with the powers and wild miniature boars or whatever is running wild in not so paradise, and peter tries to talk to wade, wade and peter end up teaching each other their own languages, it sounds bad, wade wasn’t made for surface talking and peter wasn’t made for underwater talking

wade thinks it’s fucking rad that peter can make fire, he’d been badly burned by fire once and was desperate to figure out how to make it himself so he could burn a fucker back, plus peter can like burn the fish a little and it tastes better???

so yeah when the carrier comes to pick peter up, wade is like god fucking dammit no you fucking don't, and fucking chases the carrier back to ny, where he lurks in the harbor

and peter eventually finds him bc hell he also works for a newspaper and they report the weird shit that’s been going down in the harbor, not hard to put two and two together

peter eventually gets stark to help him rig a sort of portable tank/wheelchair for wade, who thinks it’s the coolest fucking thing, and he tries to start fights with literally everyone, so peter is chasing him around town trying to keep wade from accidentally murdering people and stealing food

peter’s apartment isn’t wheelchair friendly, what with the elevator down again, so he carries wade up the stairs and introduces him to the bathtub, which wade thinks its like the coolest fucking thing, peter dumps in an entire box of salt to make him comfortable

they tried to take him back to the ocean, but wade was not having any of that crap and just fucking started flopping around and rolling away from the water, like nope i did my time, i’m staying on the beach where i can get cooked meat and hot dudes

yes shield blames peter for taking in a mermaid and does not help, tony on the other hand helps out of pure spite, also because he’s never met a mermaid before and he’s a huge nerd, he brings bruce in and they spend just as much time as peter trying to figure out how to talk to wade and make him stuff that’ll make it easier for him to get around on his own on land


	135. Chapter 135

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade trying to backtrack when flirting with peter in front of the avengers:

baby boy, i want you to put your hands on my big… heart

you know i love everything about your assssssssETS

i just wanna rip your suit off aaaaaand help you stitch that nasty cut on your arm back up

man, my hips still hurt from last night when you pounded me into the mat- ground!… in wii zumba, peter got the high score

i am so turned on right now… to climate change! which is a serious problem, who wants to talk about the paris climate agreement??

that’s not what you said last night…, when we read the bible over the phone with clothes on

spidey, I wanna fuck you on every suuuuurrrrrrfffff- yeah i got nothing


	136. Chapter 136

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade would be literally the worst kidnapping victims

like wade can’t fucking die so anything you threaten him with is just kid of… lacking, he will judge you on presentation and he will make fun of your lame ass plan, and he will spit blood in your face while cussing you out in several languages

peter, on the other hand, will forget that he’s supposed to be scared, like honestly he’ll try to be intimidated just to make you feel better, but he’s laughing on the inside, he cannot pass up a crack at your poor security and not scary uniform choice, and it’s probably worse that he’ll try to apologize for making fun of your villain scheme, like oh sorry right go on, no i’m totally terrified rn, promise

both of them will give you pointers on everything you’re doing wrong and it’s probably because they’re bored or they pity you

it is adorable that you’re trying so hard but maybe next time you should have a little more, idk **pizzaz**

loving the rhinestone leather pants, but i think the feather cape was just too much, so do you guys give out cookies at these things or??, i’m shaking in my boots honest, so are the plasma guns more of a stylistic choice or did they finally solve that overheating problem


	137. Chapter 137

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

when wade and peter start dating, before peter tells wade about his alter ego, wade wants to show off his hot boyfriend, so he takes peter down to the hellhouse, reassuring him that he’ll be safe there as long as he’s with wade

except when they walk in, people are already nodding at peter and some of them know his name, which ya know makes wade v confused, because when in the hell would goody two shoes peter parker have gone to badguy central for a drink

he gives in and asks peter when weasel of all people greets him by name, weasel points to a half hidden wall of semi focused photographs of bar patrons, all with an achievement scribbled in sharpie, he hands wade one with peter in it, peter looks slightly drunk in the picture, and he’s definitely younger because his hair is shorter, and it reads, drank the fucking bar

peter just shrugs and says he came looking for a merc jj had demanded he hunt down back when he first started at the daily bugle, he jokingly got told that if he could out drink the guy he’d get the interview, of course after he won easy the rest of the bar wanted to challenge him, he quite literally drank the place dry, he also used his winnings to pay for his textbooks that semester

now he’s not allowed to participate in drinking contests


	138. Chapter 138

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, suicide

peter didn’t always do great at life, well he still doesn’t, but he’s better at coping now, he used to wake up every day wishing he had just passed away in his sleep, he hated himself more than anything and the only reason he didn’t kill himself back then was because he was afraid aunt may and uncle ben would find his body

loosing uncle ben was the last straw, peter went out where he was sure nobody would be around, where dead bodies get dumped on a regular basis, and he climbed up the tallest building he could find

looking over the edge, he wasn’t even afraid, he was long past that, honestly just standing there felt like a relief, he was so ready to just walk over the edge, swan dive into oblivion

“who the hell are you”

he didn’t expect to get caught, much less by some guy in a ripoff spiderman costume, but hey he’s fucking peter parker, nothing is ever easy

“nobody” said peter

for whatever reason, wade stuck around and kept talking and peter just listened, he was exhausted and the longer he stayed on the edge of the roof, the more unsure of this whole plan he became

wade asked peter what a cute thing like him was doing in a place like this, and peter just said he was tired, wade nodded like he understood and told peter he got tired too, well more angry than tired usually

peter asked him how he deals with it, and wade was honest, said he didn’t do it well, stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger for maybe a day of quiet, he told peter he couldn’t die, peter said “i’m sorry”

peter admitted that he usually took sleeping pills and just let himself go into a coma until he felt less like shit, so wade asked him if jumping was his go to, peter said ideally he’d want to go out in a blaze of glory, maybe stopping an armed robber or something so he would feel like it wasn’t his fault, wade said he’s always wanted to just lay down in a grave and stop breathing

wade asked peter if he thought about going to the hospital, peter laughed because he couldn’t do that to aunt may, they couldn’t afford health insurance this year, peter asked if wade was going to call the cops, wade laughed because he usually tries to stay as far away from law enforcement as he can

eventually peter’s eyes started to droop, they made their way down the rusting fire escape and wade paid for peter’s taxi home, peter slipped back into his room with aunt may being none the wiser

it’s years later now and peter still remembers that night, maybe one day he’ll be able to thank wade for taking the time to talk to him, and maybe wade won’t even remember


	139. Chapter 139

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Head canons about Deadpools reaction(s) to Spidey's (drunken?) proposal(s)? Or just over all, how would DP react if Spidey 'turned the tables' on him? Pretty please, your head canons are the bestest!!"

awwwwwww, thanks

alright, so bad-at-admitting-he-has-emotions-peter and haha-no-one-actually-likes-me-wade are both fucking idiots, they just are

peter keeps getting drunk so he can work up the nerve to proposition wade, except he’s a huge sap so drunk peter usually ends up proposing to wade instead, and wade thinks its cute but the guy is drunk and probably can’t see five feet in front of himself so he laughs it off every time

peter associates being drunk with wade so strongly that every time he gets drunk he starts gushing about wade to everyone he can find, nobody likes drunk peter

it’s actually after a mission when wade finally gets it, peter is sitting on a roof, waiting for wade to start not being dead again, and peter starts rambling, he starts talking to wade’s corpse about how he’s sorry he’s such a bad drunk, but he just doesn’t know how else to tell wade he likes him, except wade is already conscious and holy shit spidey like likes him, but he doesn’t say anything, he waits and pretends to wake up and they go on with their lives, because peter doesn’t deserve that wade thinks to himself

but now every time peter gets drunk wade starts getting flustered, because shiiiiit spidey has been serious this whole time and he’s drunkenly rambling into wade’s chest about how they need doves at their wedding because he’s always wanted to have a trained bird, and fucking spiderman is fantasizing about their hypothetical wedding to him

one time when peter was only tipsy he suddenly asked wade if he could kiss him, and wade said yes against his better judgement, because lets face it that was probably the most chaste thing peter had ever asked him while drunk, except he should have known that when peter kissed him it was going to leave him seeing stars

so they keep dancing around it, only doing something when they’re both drunk and not talking about it later, until peter, fresh from some bullshit space mission where he had to deal with self righteous assholes trying to not work together to save the goddamn planet, and he had to watch his life flash before his eyes at least three times

and he marches over to wade’s house still in full space spider gear with that stupid plexiglass bubble on his head he never bothered to learn how to deactivate, knocks on the door, wrenches the dumb helmet off his head, takes off his mask and gets down on one knee when wade answers the door with a shotgun pointed at his face and asks wade to marry him

wade narrows his eyes and asks peter if he’s drunk, and peter assures him that no there's no alcohol involved this time, i just didn’t want to miss the chance to spend the rest of my life with you because holy shit i’m going to die young if this bullshit keeps up

and it takes some convincing, like wade shoots him in the leg to make sure it’s actually peter who screams “SON OF AN ASS WHAT THE SHIT WADE”, and when wade is bandaging up peter’s leg peter just keeps asking wade to marry him, and wade keeps pushing him off, and trying to laugh the whole thing off as a joke because he’s still convinced there’s some fuckery going on behind the scenes

but it just keeps happening, peter gets a ring, like a real ring, it’s cheap and made of silver with a red sapphire set in the middle and every time he sees wade he gets out the ring and pulls the whole proposal shtick again, and wade is concerned because whatever was wrong with peter shoulda worn off by now and he eventually just kidnaps peter and dumps him with the avengers with the vague instructions to unfuck his brain

which makes peter mad because he keeps asking wade because he never gets a no, in fact he knows wade doesn’t even take him seriously, so he’s going to keep trying until he gets a real goddamn answer

and it takes peter almost dying in front of wade, like his last words are literally telling wade that he loves him, and wade’s there when peter wakes up in the avengers icu and he’s trying not to fucking cry because crying always fucks with his shitty tear ducts and hurts like hell, and he asks peter what the shit parker, what the fuck is wrong with you

and peter just weakly grabs wade’s hand and looks him in the eye and tells him exactly what he thinks of wade, how wade is a selfless idiot and a hero and that peter loves the way wade makes him laugh and the feeling of wade’s skin and all those dumb knife tricks he learned just to show off and the way he smiles at peter that just makes peter feel like he did something right for once, and how he’s afraid that he’ll end up dead before he can say it all to wade’s face

and when wade is speechless and there's giant wet marks on his mask, peter gently lifts off wade’s mask and pulls wade towards him and kisses him so gently and asks again will you marry me

and wade laughs and wipes his eyes and says yes you goddamn angel, i love you too


	140. Chapter 140

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter, despite having super human senses and speed, still has to turn on all the lights in the middle of the night and spend an hour trying to hunt down a single mosquito that got trapped in his room


	141. Chapter 141

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Head canons about university!au?"

peter tries the half dead college student thing, he has to cut back his class load after the first year, since he’s already working a job and luckily found a paid internship at stark labs

peter couldn’t decide on a major at first and flip flopped between bioengineering, photography, and astrophysics, he ended up picking chemistry instead

he practically lives in the chemistry lab, he’s already secured a ta position next semester with the professor, he’s the idiot that forgets lab safety procedures and tries to eat around his experiments

wade is going to college to get his shit together, he’s using up his dirty money getting a degree so he can get a real job, like with shitty coworkers and a steady paycheck and a w2, something he can actually tell his daughter about

he’s working on a business degree, because he’s going to start a bakery, just like the one he always lies to ellie about

they meet at the library and wade mistook peter for a librarian since he was carrying a stack of books taller than his head at the time, peter laughed it off and helped him out anyways, wade turned up the charm and they ended up talking for almost an hour

peter had to run to class so he gave wade his number, wade forgot to play it cool and texted peter five minutes later

peter invited wade to the campus wide protest for the Jewish girl that got expelled for punching a nazi with a megaphone in the middle of campus

wade joined the pride club’s yearly drag show fundraiser, he did lady gaga’s paparazzi just so peter would know he was making a jab at him, peter loved it and took a million pictures, it’s his phone screen now

peter graduated before wade, he got hired at stark labs and quickly moved up to supervisor of his lab, wade graduated a year later and threw everything he had left at his bakery, after a few close calls wade got his shop out of the red and actually started turning a profit, the customer favorite is the cotton candy loaf his daughter invented

wade gave the ring to ellie and had her ask peter to marry him, partly because he knew it would be adorable and partly because he knew peter wouldn’t say no if ellie asked, peter said yes


	142. Chapter 142

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, murder, suicide, cannibalism, character death, monster au

siren peter parker that kills his owner when he gets bored of them and gets shuffled around the black market, he gets mad when people bid less than last time, he refuses to stay anywhere that isn’t pretty or with owners he doesn’t like

since he’s a siren he can just talk to people and they’ll kill themselves, which is why he’s always back on the market, no one can directly link peter to the murders so it’s just assumed he’s cursed, which is technically true

wade wasn’t looking to buy peter, he was actually bidding on a lot that happened to include peter, and he was planning on dumping peter in the harbor the first chance he got, which is why he was so confused when he found himself in his apartment, with peter, who was complaining about wade’s place

peter, as it turns out, is fucking horrible, wade hasn’t gotten any sleep in between being forced to carry out peter’s whims and cleaning his goddamn house, because apparently peter just liked being fucking difficult

the only time he ever got the upper hand in an argument with peter was when he cut off his own hands so he didn’t have to cook peter dinner, peter was only shocked for two seconds before he made wade attempt to cook with bloody stumps anyways, peter was impressed when his hands were back to normal the next morning

the first time peter tried to kill wade he handed wade a gun and barely got the words out before wade’s brains were splattered all over the wall, wade woke up as peter was calling someone to come pick him up, peter was not happy about wade defying him, he took wade coming back to life as a personal offense, and made it his mission in life to see wade dead

wade sometimes makes a deal with peter and steals him precious gemstones and expensive jewelry in exchange for peter working his siren magic on a particularly stubborn ah… “informant“, wade’s never been more highly recommended

wade didn’t know that peter could grow legs whenever he wanted, so when he came home to peter laying nude on expensive furs on the couch and watching an hgtv mansion special, he may have seen red and gone for peter’s neck, he woke up later in the bathtub and coughed up a gallon of water

wade buys peter clothes since he can wear them now, and peter refuses to touch them, cotton and polyester? please

so wade forces peter into a tshirt and some sweats and drags him out to the most expensive looking clothes store he can find on google maps, peter hates shoes for whatever reason, but he can’t walk around on his delicate feet so wade ends up being forced to carry him around everywhere

they end up bringing back a couple tailored suits wade even balked at the price of and a shit load of dresses, because peter wants to wear them with his tail, wade isn’t happy that he has to take on more jobs to pay for peter’s newfound interest in fashion, he’s ready to shoot himself in the head again when peter starts marathoning it’s me or the dress

wade still can’t get rid of peter, because every time he tries peter just tells him not to, and he can’t do anything peter tells him not to, so he says fuck it and starts teaching peter how to fight, because if you live in my house then you help pay rent

so peter does, mostly because wade bribes him with shiny knives, he likes the way they flash when he throws them, peter thinks walking is hell, so wade takes him to an olympic sized pool and peter is just fucking ecstatic, none of his owners had been around long enough to get him a pool this big, eventually he learns to wear shoes

wade is so proud when peter gets the target before he does on a mission, he’s only a little concerned that peter cut out the target’s heart and ate it while it was still beating, but hey, baby steps

wade is… confused when peter gives him a ring, like a ring by itself is weird enough, but just the fact that peter gave him anything was super fucking weird, and it doesn’t stop there, wade starts recognizing the guns, knives and jewelry pieces that peter keeps piling on him as belonging to their targets

it doesn’t click until later when they botched a job and wade got himself kidnapped, peter screamed so loud wade could feel his own eardrums popping and he barely stayed conscious as all the baddies around him slumped to the ground, their ears bleeding

peter burst through the solid metal doors and grabbed the target, the deaf target that caused this whole mess to begin with, stabbed a knife into the bone in his jaw and sang so sweet into the handle as the target read his lips, “don’t you look delicious”

apparently having the vibrations from a siren’s song rattling around in your head is hell, because by the time peter had untied wade and carried him out, the target had already cut their own legs off and was choking on blood and bone

that was when wade realized peter liked him


	143. Chapter 143

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

that one time wade pissed off a pyrotechnic and gets cursed, so now the fire keeps burning faster than his skin can regenerate and he looks like a flaming, walking skeleton

he takes full advantage of the fact he looks exactly like a nude ghost rider


	144. Chapter 144

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Is there any way you’d give us greedy goblins more of your monster siren Peter AU after Wade realizes Peter ~likes~ him? 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼"

o their whole dynamic changes when wade realized peter likes him, well it’s more like wade starts noticing how less murderous peter is towards him now, peter will even make an effort to help around the house in little ways, like mopping up the water he gets everywhere, hell he learned to walk for wade

wade doesn’t actually know what to do with that, peter was supposed to be like a very annoying pet he couldn’t get rid of not… well he kind of didn’t notice when they both stopped hating each other

wade doesn’t really know how to flirt with a temperamental fish man, so he tries copying peter, he robs museums for huge gemstones and takes peter shopping whenever he wants, which is a lot, which confuses peter bc up till now wade hadn’t given him anything without being forced or making a trade

and then wade starts getting insecure, like he does with all his relationships, and he starts asking peter weird things like if he’s sure he doesn’t want to leave, or if he’s ok having a weird looking guy lugging him around, or if he’s bored of the house and wants to live in a new one

peter takes it the wrong way and thinks wade is trying to get rid of him, so he starts latching onto wade even more because he’ll be damned if wade thinks he can get away from him now, which oddly enough is very reassuring to wade, even if he does keep waking up in the middle of the night to peter’s glowing eyes staring at him in the dark

to peter, wade is the most valuable piece of his collection, and it scares him to no end that he could just walk away one of these days, so they’re both a little stupid about it and never say any of it out loud, but they already know they’re both a little crazy in love


	145. Chapter 145

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

look i’m not saying wade or peter have a daddy kink, i’m just saying that they’d joke around with it so much that they’d accidentally make it their kink


	146. Chapter 146

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, nsfw

peter getting drunk on asguardian mead so venom tries to take over, but drunk peter is easily insulted and takes venom cutting him off badly, he tries to fight venom bc he’s so very plastered, and just ends up violently straining against venom who’s trying to stop peter from punching himself in the face

peter’s angry rants are mostly directed at venom bc venom is the only one he can trap into listening

a list of things peter has called venom while drunk:

fucking goth hipster

you fucking asshole

cannibalistic goddamn vinyl catsuit

fuckface

slobbering buzzkill

weirdo parasite


	147. Chapter 147

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, pirate au

pirate au where the fearsome deadpool, the scourge of the seven seas, strikes terror into all the hapless souls that have the misfortune of meeting him face to face

some say he’s a demon, a dead man who clawed his way back out of davy jones’ locker, his mortal body eternally rotting without his soul, whatever the legend may be, it’s still a fact that he’s one of the most notorious pirate captains to ever live, he built his reputation on fear and cruelty

they say he drinks the blood of his enemies to feed his soulless body, others say he sails a ship made of bone and that his vaults hold more glittering gold and jewels than anyone could imagine

wade winston wilson has certainly earned his reputation, so when he spots another pirate ship on his waters, of course he has to teach them a lesson

he had been planning on burning the vessel to the ground and slaughtering every man woman and child aboard, but instead they gave him an offer he would have been stupid to refuse

deadpool and his crew left the other pirate crew and ship intact, taking with them every speck of treasure they had aboard and one prince peter, already being ransomed

little did wade know that peter was no prince, but the masked pirate captain spiderman, a man with a reputation almost as fearsome as his own, and he had just fallen into peter’s trap


	148. Chapter 148

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, no powers au, journalist au, nsfw

fashion designer deadpool is known the world over, yet no one actually knows anything about the man behind the mask, no name, no face, not a single square of his skin has ever faced the light of cameras, he’s a mystery

peter parker is just a guy, he’s working two jobs and going to school part time, and every night he goes home to his aunt’s tiny house, his aunt that is also working two jobs to keep the house and help send peter to school, and together they make dinner, it’s not usually enough, but they don’t say it out loud

peter has tried taking fewer classes, but it worries his aunt, and that's the last thing he wants, he just wants her to be happy, and he’d do anything to make that happen

it was a normal day at the daily bugle when peter got a once in a lifetime opportunity, they wanted to send someone to get an exclusive interview with The Deadpool, jj must have sold his mother’s soul and a half to get that deal, but the problem is, no one wants to do his dirty work and find out more than they’re contractually allowed to, but he knows peter is desperate for the money, and he’s right, peter accepts

deadpool is… peter wanted to say eccentric, he also wanted to say insane, but that would be rude

peter shadows deadpool for an entire week, trying to fit in what questions he can and generally making a nuisance of himself, and in between the cameras and the interview, he finds himself laughing at rude jokes and accidentally forgetting himself and making jokes back, he even had deadpool doubled over in laughter on the limo ride to dinner when he told the story of the time captain america came in in person to tell off jj, it had been glorious

much to peter’s surprise, deadpool brought him along everywhere, his amazing hotel room, out to eat, behind the scenes, hell, he met an avenger and three famous actors within the first day, it was awesome

but then, peter fucks it up, he fucks it all up, the last day he was getting really nervous because he didn’t have anything good enough for jj, and he was starting to like wade, enough to not want to screw him over, not that he felt good about it to begin with, but now he just felt worse, and that was before he woke up the next day with a killer hangover and what was unmistakably a sex tape of him and deadpool saved on his phone

so what now parker, your aunt or wade wilson


	149. Chapter 149

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, coffee shop au

not so cute coffee shop au where peter works a minimum wage job, is failing school, and hates life because he can’t afford to get antidepressants and is living off of bitterness and coffee at this point

so when wade walks in in a hoodie and points a gun at peter’s face and tells him to open the register

peter doesn’t even blink, he’s actually fantasized about this exact scenario happening before, he tells wade there’s like 300$ tops in the register right now but he can’t have it unless he promises to shoot peter after he gets his money

that apparently scares wade off because he leaves without the money and peter gets fired because he didn’t follow proper protocol for an armed robbery

on his way home, peter meets wade again in a dark alley and tells him he’s got like five bucks in his wallet and he’ll have to kill peter first if he wants it

and wade is like jesus kid do you ever give it a rest i’m not here to kill you, wade offers him a job actually, and hell peter has nothing left to live for and self-endangerment is his middle name

which is how peter ended up pulling off the biggest heist of the century with wade, its the first thing he’s felt anything about in a while and if he’s being honest it was fun in a sort of shitimgoingtodie way, so when wade asks for his help again he says yes, and maybe he starts falling a little in love after he can afford meds again and starts feeling actual emotions besides Severe Depression™ and actual crap

to think it all started with a shitty barista job at starbucks


	150. Chapter 150

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, college au, nsfw

professor parker, but he’s a “cool” professor so everybody calls him peter, he’s the first biomedical engineering professor the small college has had, he’s the reason they can offer the degree

his classes are packed by the end of his first year, and he also teaches an aerial aerobics class on weekends

peter is still shit at time management and keeping a sleep schedule, he’s fallen asleep in the middle of a lecture and slammed his head against the whiteboard, he didn’t miss a beat and kept lecturing

peter had a shitty day once and had the class watch jurassic world and write up one paragraph essays on how to not get everybody killed in a jurassic park for extra credit, peter gets really excited when the big 3d printing unit comes around every year, when he got a grant to buy a 3d bioprinter he canceled classes so he could go get wasted in celebration

natasha is the advanced aerial aerobics teacher, sometimes peter attends her class when he wants a real workout, he’s getting better but god does it hurt the next day, natasha is a brutal teacher and also coaches the gymnastics team, she’s trained three olympic gold medalists

bucky is head of the army rotc program, he’s married to steve, who teaches advanced drawing classes, they met while they were both on scholarships for the rotc program at the college and after eight painstakingly long years of them dancing around the elephant in the room, bucky proposed and steve turned him down because they hadn’t ever actually technically dated, so the next day they went out to a nice dinner and bucky proposed again and steve said yes the second time around

peter and tony, the machine shop teacher, worked together for three years so far on bucky’s prosthetic arm, it’s a technological marvel and besides the occasional things set on fire, it seems to be working out pretty well, bucky’s gotten over the feeling of being the fourth wheel when peter and tony are checking in on his prosthetic, bucky’s been taking coding classes so he can figure out how to unfuck his own arm when tony pulls shit like setting it to play jingle bells for three hours straight in october

wade is the janitor for the science faculty building, sometimes peter stays late so he can pull wade into his office for a drink and a chat, they’ve been doing this for years, peter tutors wade when he comes in during office hours since peter’s always complaining that none of his students ever ask him for help, wade’s working on his bachelors degree so he can get promoted, they’ve totally fucked on peter’s desk


	151. Chapter 151

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So the coffee shop au where peter amd wade pull of the heist of the century, what was the heist and likewhatkind of behind the scene shenanigans did they get into??"

the heist was mostly dumb luck and partly just peter and wade dicking around to see if they could actually do it, see they didn’t have the whole plan laid out, wade had an idea and peter told him it was crazy, so wade got ahold of two police uniforms to prove he wasn’t that crazy

and he wasn’t, peter and wade managed to bluff their way into a major bank, saying there was a robbery threat called in, and they just had to check around the place before somebody attempted to rob the back

the bank manager handed over the keys and papers wade and peter needed, they couldn’t believe it, and they hadn’t brought anything else because they hadn’t expected to get this far, but they weren’t going to just throw away the opportunity, so they grabbed some bags and stuffed them full of cash before running out the backdoor, they actually went back and forth a few times and ended up with close to 75 million usd

they had to rent a car to get out of town as soon as possible, but they got carjacked right from the start and had to detour for a car chase in which peter learns to drive and wade loves the sun roof in their car because he can shoot people from it

they think they’re safe until one of wade’s old “friends” finds them and tries to kill wade for something that happened years ago, “can’t even remember what it was” said wade who totally remembers what happened and will not own up to it, peter learns to shoot a gun and finds that wade had given him a gun full of blanks because he didn’t actually trust peter with a gun, wade is flattered that peter tried to kill a guy to save his life, they somehow get wade’s friend arrested and get away scott free

it’s not over yet, peter and wade ended up buying a place in nebraska to hide out in for a while, because nebraska is like the most boring place in the us and no one would look for them there, except someone did

this time it’s peter’s fault, may has an old friend that used to be in some branch of the military that she’s not allowed to talk about within her lifetime, apparently may was worried when peter just up and disappeared, so she called in a favor and her friend had been tracking peter ever since

wade and peter thought it was all over then, but she just told peter to call his aunt and tell her he’s ok, wade apologized for trying to kill her, she laughed and said he was never going to be able to do that

after a year, wade and peter returned home, agreeing to never use the money too frequently, peter built up a fund for his aunt and told her he got a really good job


	152. Chapter 152

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

since peter is the resident super powered person who is young enough to underpay for babysitting and he already deals with supers on a daily basis, he babysits for heroes

peter’s been trying to convert all the kids he babysits for to make spiderman their favorite super, it’s not working, clint’s kids are die hard hulk fans

ellie actually gives peter the most trouble since she’s always trying to explore the tower, and she knows that peter is a pushover

babysitting for loki is always an adventure, it actually started out when loki decided that a spider themed hero would be the best suited babysitter for his child who is literally a giant spider, like toddler sized spider, peter had nightmares for the first month, but he got over it eventually, peter learned how to spin webs so he could teach loki’s spider kid


	153. Chapter 153

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, coffee shop au

peter and wade work at the same coffee shop, the same coffee shop right next to avengers tower, the very same coffee shop that’s always the first to get hit when shit goes sideways

peter and wade are the only employees that have been working there for more than a month, they’re the only ones that keep putting up with bullshit, like fighting off a localized outbreak of zombification, or boarding up the windows when aliens start attacking, or taking and delivering the ridiculous amounts of coffee the tower orders on a daily basis, they’re not even supposed to deliver

peter and wade have no idea what they’re doing, and they’re not entirely sure that the shop is still supposed to be open, but they’ve been writing and stocking orders and closing and opening shop for almost a year now, and the last manager was probably eaten by that one thing that broke out of the tower three months ago

they went ahead and promoted themselves when they found some papers after breaking into the back room one time, they actually get paid a really good wage since the shop could barely keep anybody

the avengers know them by name, its not always a good thing, half of the avengers straight up refuse to eat or drink anything they haven’t stood there and watched be prepared, they’re all backseat coffee brewers and it’s annoying as fuck

wade and peter go ahead and take care of things like dropping off cash at the bank and interviews

the interviews have exactly two questions, do you have a heart condition and when can you start


	154. Chapter 154

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

when peter and wade get a dog the poor thing can’t learn her own name because wade is always calling her pet names, sometimes peter and the dog get confused when wade says “honey come here”

peter is notoriously bad at training their dog because every time she messes up a trick peter just gets overwhelmed by how cute she is and just gives her treats and pats anyways

there’s little spiderman and deapool tags on her collar because peter and wade are huge dorks

wade has tried training her to attack intruders but so far the only thing she can do is bowl people over and lick them to death, and she’s very good at it too

their dog gets jealous when she’s not the one being given attention so when peter and wade hug or kiss in front of her she’ll go ballistic and start barking her head off until somebody comforts her


	155. Chapter 155

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Peter:** shit

 **Wade:** *soft gasp*

 **Wade:** watch your fucking language young man


	156. Chapter 156

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, christmas

the first time peter and wade kiss is at an avengers mistletoe charity event

the whole thing is televised, it’s been one of the most anticipated events of the year, each hero has a list of other heroes they’re supposed to kiss after they raise a certain amount of money, the lists were made after a set of month long online polls

there is a lot of alcohol present to help everybody deal with the party, thor brought asguardian mead just to be sure everybody can get drunk

peter live streams from inside the party as well, he just barely made the list of heroes because he was number five on tony stark’s list, there will be a nationwide outcry if he doesn’t do a spiderman kiss

honestly the only reason peter came was because he never turns down a chance to get drunk without shelling out his life savings, there’s also the charity thing

wade is only there because he’s number two on logan’s list and there was no way in hell he was going to give up the chance to get that televised

when peter gets drunk, like really drunk, wade jokingly pointed out that they were standing under mistletoe while casually flirting with peter, the whole room was covered in mistletoe, but drunk peter just dragged wade down and full on made out with him then and there

looking back it was… embarrassing, but they ended up dating the next week so it all worked out, peter just avoided googling himself for the next three months


	157. Chapter 157

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, sports au

peter and wade are competing in the winter olympics, peter is an american figure skater and wade is a canadian hockey player

its a love story on ice, peter is dicking around on the ice during free skate and bumps into wade, literally, neither of them was watching where they were going

they start talking and end up trading skates for fun, peter is actually pretty great at hockey skates since he’s worn them before, wade on the other hand forgets that figure skates come with a built in break and smashes his face into the ice

peter feels terrible about the whole thing and takes wade to get an ice pack and gauze for his bleeding face, it was a good thing wade was already wearing a mouth guard or he could have chipped another tooth

wade made a deal with peter, said peter could make it up to him by letting wade take him out for dinner when he wins gold, peter just smirks and tells him he’s gotta win first

wade’s team does get gold and he sticks around to watch peter take silver for his routine, wade sneaks his way into the athlete’s only section to congratulate peter

in all the excitement peter kisses wade, but they end up not being able to meet again before it’s time to go home, they keep in contact after leaving and eventually peter flies up to see wade, he accidentally breaks wade’s leg when they play a friendly hockey match on the ice, wade proposes while on pain killers and peter is laughing so hard he can barely suggest a date instead


	158. Chapter 158

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade loves calling peter a nerd, he’s so proud of peter for getting a cool sciency degree and being able to keep up with stark when he starts talking tech, he gets peter nerdy t shirts with science puns and when bad guys drop some cool weapon he always brings it back to peter so he can tinker with it

when wade introduces peter and weasel he tells them they can nerd babble together, peter gives him a look but three minutes later they’re talking about wade’s teleporter belt and wade just grins when they start griping about how it breaks so easy

they’ve turned the game room at their apartment into a makeshift workshop/lab, peter keeps hacking their game consoles so he can fuck with the code and make spiderman and deadpool mods for all their games


	159. Chapter 159

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

do any of yall remember that disney channel movie about the boy who hits puberty and starts sticking to the walls and growing scales when he gets wet and eventually figures out hes turning into a ~~mermaid~~ merman

because the moment that peter got his hand stuck to something for the first time, he had flashbacks to that movie and he had that panicked moment of of “oh fuck i’m a mermaid”


	160. Chapter 160

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

7/10 times when wade and peter first meet, deadpool says “what’s a guy like you doing in a place like this”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's called the 13th year, don't @ me


	161. Chapter 161

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, gore, murder, suicide, kidnapping, nsfw

peter, with his infamous parker luck, walks in on deadpool shooting his boss in the face

wade doesn’t like loose ends, but he’s also trying out the whole don’t kill innocent people thing, so he catches peter when he tries to run and slams his head into the wall, he actually has to do it three times before the kid goes down, he must have a skull made of concrete

peter, when he wakes up, tries not to panic, for all he knows doc oc could waltz in through that door waving around eight knives and laughing his head off, but just in case that isn’t whats happening, he stays where he is and waits

eventually wade shows up and checks peter’s restraints, and peter to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion, he doesn’t, head of steel

wade is… well it’s probably the most pleasant kidnapping peter’s ever experienced, which isn’t saying much, but small mercies, right

wade sits down and explains to peter that he’s sorry about this mess, but he can’t have peter telling the cops what he saw, but he’s also not looking to kill peter, because peter is a good kid, straight a student, volunteers at food banks, has some good friends, an aunt

peter is now terrified, because he can’t leave, if he used his powers to escape then deadpool would know who he was and hunt him down, hell if he just escaped he could pick off peter’s loved ones one by one, he’s already named them one by one, peter can’t leave

so peter keeps his head down, tries to stay out of wade’s way and line of sight, he doesn’t want the merc to have any reason to get rid of him or threaten him

wade is uncomfortable, yes he kidnapped the guy, but he just sits there, day in and day out, staring at the same spot on the floor, he doesn’t complain, doesn’t beg, doesn’t bargain, he just… is, it’s fucking unnerving, after peter asked what wade was going to do with him, he just stopped talking, that was all he wanted to know apparently

“look, can I… get you anything?” wade asked one day, he had to ask it twice because peter hadn’t realized he was being spoken to, peter just shook his head and went back to staring at the floor

so wade got crayons and paper and an old gameboy and a tetris cartridge and dumped it all next to peter, it went untouched for a week, wade was sneaking back into the house through his window one night when a very loud “MOTHERFUCK” stopped him in his tracks, he snuck into the living room to see peter curled up in a corner and furiously button mashing the gameboy, he was probably losing

when he noticed wade he shut the gameboy and went back to staring at the floor, it was starting to get on wade’s nerves now, he hadn’t done anything yet that would warrant peter acting like this, murder and kidnapping aside, and he couldn’t get the kid to just fucking talk, the first time he had a real person hanging around in years and he wouldn’t even look at wade’s boots

wade started bugging peter to see if he could get a rise out of the kid, no matter what wade said to him, no matter how many wrappers he threw at peter, kid wouldn’t budge, it was a game now and he was going to win, he threw a knife near peter’s head, it grazed his hair and sunk into the wall, if peter had flinched it could have gone right into his skull, but he hadn’t even blinked

peter reacted when wade mentioned he’d like to pay peter’s aunt a visit, peter had slowly turned his head and looked up at wade, didn’t say a word, but wade knew that look, that was the look people gave him when they drove a knife into his eye socket just to watch him squirm, wade grinned because he’d won

he kept egging peter on like that, talking about peter’s friends and his aunt, saying he should leave a lock of peter’s hair in his aunt’s mailbox, or maybe a finger would send a better message, “we could send you back one piece at a time, baby boy”

peter was tired, tired of being paranoid and afraid, tired of letting deadpool get under his skin, tired of playing along out of fear for others, so one day when deadpool was tossing him some food, he asked if deadpool would take off his handcuffs since he wasn’t going anywhere

peter was shackled to the radiator and handcuffed, so he could get to the bathroom and a small range in his little corner, he was honestly a little surprised when deadpool undid the handcuffs and sat back to watch him

it was weird, having deadpool stare at him like that while he stretched and ate, the mask was creepy enough on it’s own, when he was done eating wade told him to ask if he wanted something and disappeared, the next week peter asked if he could make the chain longer, so he did

peter can get to the tv now, he’s been watching the news religiously when wade is gone, peter is very good at using his super senses to get everything back in place before wade comes back inside, spiderman’s disappearance is bad, crime rates have gone up and avengers have started asking for any information people have on the vigilante, peter feels guilty

the whole dynamic they have changes when wade comes home one day and collapses just inside peter’s range of motion, blood was everywhere, peter checked for a pulse but didn’t find anything, so peter dragged the body closer and used one of wade’s knives to pry his shackles off, he’d gotten this far without his super strength so he figured he’d keep at it just in case it ever came back to haunt him, and god it was a good thing he did because as soon as he had touched the doorknob a rattling gasp exploded out of wade

peter silently cured whatever gods out there had it out for him and left behind his hopes of escaping, he knew deadpool had some sort of healing factor, he just hadn’t counted on it being this good

the shackles were already broken, but peter went back anyways and sat down in his corner, watching the floor as deadpool dragged himself up on his hands and knees and coughed up blood, wade looked up at peter and saw the knife in his hand and the broken shackles next to his feet and he laughed

“the hell are you still here for”, peter shrugged because he knew he couldn’t run as long as deadpool could breathe, wade chuckled because it all made sense now, the way peter acted, he’d already known from the start that nothing he did would make his life any easier because wade can’t die, wade held all the cards, he may as well have been freely roaming around the house all these months because he knew that as soon as he stepped foot outside, wade was going to make him wish he were dead, wade was still pissed that he’d taken the fun out of breaking him

wade decided that peter could start being useful if he was going to laze around all day, he started giving peter things to do before he left every day, and when he came back it was always done and peter would be back in his corner, wade gave in an bought another mattress, he cleared out that little storage room by the bathroom and shoved it in there, he told peter it was his room and that was that, now peter stared at the ceiling in bed

the first time peter killed him, wade had been swearing and bleeding out in the kitchen, he’d had a bad run in with an old friend, peter had had the misfortune of wandering in to check on him, and he’d taken out his anger on peter, he’d threatened peter’s dear old aunt again, and he woke up in the bathtub a few hours later with a killer headache, he didn’t do anything to peter, because he wasn’t entirely certain that he wasn’t hallucinating when peter walked over to him calm as you like and snapped his neck, that and peter had already cleaned the kitchen for him

the second time he was more sure that it had been peter, he hadn’t seen peter all day, but the tv had been on, he was just cleaning his guns when he woke up in the tub again, the familiar ache of a bullet wound healing over, he knew that gun was unloaded when he started

he started noticing a pattern, peter would take advantage of wade coming home beaten half to death or just his normal suicidal tenancies, wade would wake up in the bath a few hours later and sometimes the garbage would have food wrappers he didn’t remember buying, peter was escaping

peter was getting bolder, he was also very good at being passive aggressive, aggravating wade while not doing anything that wade could directly fault him for, peter was a sly son of a bitch and wade was just waiting for him to slip up

in the mean time, they had been talking, wade had been overlooking peter’s attitude lately because wade had just been so starved for human interaction that he was willing to take whatever peter would throw at him, he’d found out the kid was smart, he watched a lot of documentaries and the news when wade wasn’t watching, he missed his friends and once admitted to liking photography

they had been doing so well, which is why wade almost felt bad when he caught peter sneaking back into the house, he hadn’t gotten wade as good as he’d thought, and wade woke up early, he was waiting for peter when he came back

peter looked like a deer caught in the headlights, it was honestly adorable, “go ahead, i wanna see you talk your way out of this one, petey”, but peter, ever full of surprises just shrugged and closed the door behind him, he challenged wade, said wade wasn’t going to do jack shit because he was so terrified of being alone that he wasn’t going to kill peter, he couldn’t do it even if he tried, peter was angry, and he wanted to hurt wade, it worked

wade slammed peter into the wall with a roar and grabbed his throat, but peter grabbed wade’s hands and slammed his head into wade’s face and… wade woke up in the bathtub

when he came out peter was twirling a knife and watching tv upside down on the couch, when wade went for peter again he heard the sound of a knife burying itself in his skull and he woke up in the bathtub again

after three more times wade came out with his hands up, “alright, you made your point”

peter just smiled at him and kept watching tv, he didn’t run, didn’t demand anything, didn’t threaten wade, he just kept living there in wade’s house even though he could have walked away a long time ago

and peter, damn him, was right, he went into peter’s room that night with a gun and couldn’t pull the trigger, he just couldn’t be alone again, it scared the shit out of him when peter told him to either do it or get out, wade is convinced that peter doesn’t sleep now

eventually peter tells wade to get him some new clothes and to hand over his phone, peter doesn’t ask for things now, and wade complied, he just got a bunch of generic tshirts and jeans since he wasn’t sure what peter normally went for and peter didn’t seem to be in the joking kind of mood lately, so wade didn’t get anything unusual

wade watched peter make up some bullshit story about going a state over and getting hit by a car, he said he’d been in a coma until a few days ago and that he’d be visiting soon and i love you too aunt may, and wade felt something in him break

but peter came back that night with a duffel full of his stuff, and he keeps coming back and it confuses the shit out of wade, but peter doesn’t try to kill him anymore, so wade doesn’t say anything, he just rolls with it

and then one day he and peter are sitting on the couch, watching golden girls and eating takeout, and peter asks him, if i left now, what would you do

wade laughs awkwardly and says he’d probably blow his own brains out again, but then what insisted peter, hunt you down again baby doll because what would i do without you, and if i didn’t go back with you insisted peter again, and wade says in a flat voice, don’t leave me peter

so peter nods and that's the end of that, or so wade thought, because he wakes up in a shield facility, strapped down to a metal table and cursing peter with every fucking breath, because he trusted peter, he liked peter, and peter did this to him in return


	162. Chapter 162

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

so spiderman gets hit with some sort of truth spell so when someone asks him a question he blurts out the truth, he’s trying to hunt down the villain so he can undo this bullshit, but he runs into wade and he begs wade please don’t ask me about my identity, and wade doesn’t, but wade forgets halfway through and asks “it’s because you love me isn’t it” when he and peter are bantering, and without thinking peter says yes

wade starts asking question after question and peter is trying to shove his own fist in his mouth so he can stop fucking talking, wade just keeps asking him things along the lines of do you like me, because he can’t believe it

when the find the bad guy and beat the shit out of them together, peter awkwardly turns to wade and asks, so do i ask you out or do you wanna…


	163. Chapter 163

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, kidnapping, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [blogexplosive13](http://blogexplosive13.tumblr.com/) for part 2, "Will you do more about the kidnapping fic? 😍"

while peter’s held hostage in wade’s apartment he takes a lot of liberties, he breaks out when wade’s been gone for a long time and gets food, he’s not sure if wade is intentionally trying to starve him, or he just forgets that peter needs to eat, there’s a lot that wade seems to forget

he broke peter’s arm once when he caught peter trying to get out of his cuffs, and then he just left peter there on the floor, it was only seven hours later when wade noticed that peter was still cradling his broken arm that he remembered normal people don’t heal in a day, he got weirdly apologetic and helped clean up and set peter’s arm so the bone would grow back right

peter is also confused about the mixed messages his spidey sense sends him, he’s learned to trust it though, he had to force himself not to flinch when wade picked up a knife and aimed at his head, peter didn’t feel his spider sense going off so he kept absolutely still, the knife buried itself in the wall inches from peter head and he may have stopped breathing, if he’d so much as twitched it would have cut into his face

when peter turns the tables on wade he stays because he’s still afraid of what wade can do to his loved ones, this is peter’s way of giving something to wade in return for not killing his friends and family, it’s the only thing he knows wade is still afraid of losing, companionship, wade thinks of peter as a friend and that’s his mistake

peter plays house with wade when he’s feeling especially tolerant, he makes snacks and they watch tv, it makes wade happy and happy wade doesn’t threaten to cut him into pieces and blow up his aunt’s house

peter starts fearing stockholm syndrome when he realizes he has a soft spot for the merc, he knows they can’t go on like this, it’s just a mater of time until wade either tries to kill peter again, or he goes after one of peter’s friends or family members because he didn’t like something peter said, the only problem is he’s starting to feel guilty about looking for a way out because wade isn’t going to take it well

so he gives wade one last chance, asks him what he’d do if peter up and disappeared, the flat threat helped peter realize that he couldn’t let sympathy cloud his judgement, it was scarily easy after that

he just waited until wade was distracted, all it took was a bullet and a phone call, he used the bounty to help pay for college and gave the rest to aunt may, shield promised to stay off his back, and the avengers even offered him a position

peter turned them down, he didn’t want to be proud of any of this


	164. Chapter 164

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bi peter parker

peter parker who procrastinates dealing with his sexuality until he’s in his late twenties early thirties because he never sat down and went hey i think men are hot too well shit i must be not straight, bc bitch he has people to save and places to be, it just kept getting pushed back on the list of things to do

until wade starts hitting on him and peter likes it??? he’s having a meltdown in the middle of battle because he’s never had to question his sexuality before and what does this mean for peter parker, what does he want to do with this new information???

so peter kind of stumbles along as he tries to figure out this being gay thing, and he decides he’s not gay because he still has a crush on his best friend and the majority of his celebrities i would give my soul to have sex with list are women, but he’s not straight

so peter runs with it and tries dating dudes and he realizes that regardless of gender, he’s going to end up alone because he is literally the worst person to date, he’s never there, commitment terrifies him, and he can’t tell them about spiderman, and as long as he’s spiderman they will be in danger too

so civilians are out, peter will just end up alone with his robotic ai cat he’ll invent after college, and holy shit so much of tony stark’s life makes sense now

except there’s somebody that just never fucking goes away, and peter still likes him, and one day peter gives in and asks wade out because at this point, really it’d be stupid not to give it a chance


	165. Chapter 165

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, neighbors au

peter and wade are next door neighbors in a crummy apartment building downtown, they’re both absolutely awful neighbors, the late nights, strange noises at odd hours, there’s been at least three holes punched through their shared wall and peter tried to poison wade after he told wade to throw out his garbage or take a bath and wade tried to threaten him with a knife

the only reason wade isn’t evicted is because he overpays the landlord with the understanding that they don’t say or see shit, peter because the landlord is a friend of a friend who’s life he saved once by accident, and he’s usually good about getting his rent in on time when he can

wade and peter are so confused as to why they keep running into each other while on patrol in costume

when peter’s laptop dies just before he can send in his spiderman pictures and get paid for the week he swallows his pride in the ensuing panic and sort of forces wade to let him borrow his laptop, he tries not to look at the very obvious porn tags at the top of the browser and just barely reuploads his pictures in time

they end up chatting about spiderman and peter’s job and peter finds out that wade is a huge spidey fan, the next time aunt may sends homemade cookies, peter brings them over to wade’s place

they end up hanging out a lot in each other’s houses, they also kick each other out a lot to answer hero related phone calls and when they have to suit up, the excuses quickly become ridiculous, wade once told peter to get out so he could have special alone time with his fantasies of spiderman, peter choked on his own surprise and practically ran out the door

it’s wade who figures it out first, he broke into peter’s apartment to find a screwdriver and walked in on spiderman crawling through the window, wade didn’t actually know it was peter until peter waved his hand and said, “These are not the droids you are looking for”


	166. Chapter 166

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** do you ever see something and think

**Wade:** this is the change i want to see in the world

**Peter:** yeah, actually

**Wade:** well i did the exact opposite of that


	167. Chapter 167

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter and wade when they accidentally find out about the other’s secret identity and not so subtly start flirting with said alter ego while in civvies

bonus points if one of them is pining after the hero identity and the other is pining after the civilian identity before they find out anything


	168. Chapter 168

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade is always confused by how peter reacts to him, meaning peter just does not react to him, which is weird

when wade so much as coughs around most people they’re already reaching for a gun or running for safety, and he can’t blame them

so wade is toying with the idea that peter is a mind reader, because peter will still dodge anything wade throws at him, but he doesn’t flinch when wade fakes it or doesn’t really mean to hit him, hell wade stopped a knife millimeter from peter’s eye once and he didn’t even blink

so one time wade asked peter why he never acted like he was afraid around wade, and peter says “you didn’t give me a reason to be”

peter was talking about his spider sense, he literally knows that wade has never seriously threatened him without good reason

but wade goes home and stays up all night thinking about that, because he’s not really sure he believes peter, but just hearing it made him think that maybe he was changing, because if peter could trust him then maybe there was some good left in him after all


	169. Chapter 169

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

in high school peter didn’t date anybody because he was too busy saving the world, all his friends just assumed he was the mature one they could go to for relationship advice

peter im-afraid-of-commitment parker gives shit advice, it’s usually, well golly gee that sound like a real problem, but consider,,, if you break up,,, then no more problems

he’s still shit at relationships


	170. Chapter 170

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

Wade gets embarrassed about his porn laptop and actively tries to hide its existence from peter instead of telling him about it, when peter accidentally found it and wade freaked out peter said, “wade. you shaved my asshole last week. we’re fucking married.”


	171. Chapter 171

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, suicide, angst, nsfw

when peter dies, wade doesn’t take it well, he buries himself in the coffin with peter and lets himself slowly run out of oxygen and suffocate, because he can’t live with peter being dead

he wakes up again when the grave is dug up and goes on a murder spree out of anguish, he tries just about every trick in the book to stay dead after that and fails every single time

or there’s a sudden flow of oxygen to the coffin after several years and wade has to stay alive and conscious while clutching peter’s putrid, rotting corpse


	172. Chapter 172

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, reverse spideypool au, au au

an extra peter gets stuck in universe when wade crashes into spidey and breaks his transporter belt, now this other spidey is head over heels for wade and wade doesn’t know how to take that, he gets distracted by his spidey body slamming other peter into a concrete wall hard enough to crumble the foundation, and man did he love being reminded of how strong spidey is

other peter, also being peter, refuses to stay inside while peter tries to figure out how to undo this mess, they work out a schedule where peter ends up attending more classes and can actually be seen in the same place as spiderman for once, but on the down side everyone thinks he’s developing short term memory loss

it still freaks wade out when he ends up running from other spidey and it wasn’t because the guy wanted his head on a silver platter, it was the exact opposite and this was never a problem he thought he’d have, he was getting very much mixed messages here, he didn’t know how ah inappropriate it would be to go after other peter

because technically he’s still spidey, even if he isn’t the one wade is used to, that’s why other spidey was so fixated on him, right? because it wasn’t cheating if he didn’t have a relationship with peter first and this peter seemed interested and man he was really not good at impulse control

but when he stopped running from other peter, nothing happened, other peter just gave him a hug and talked about his wade over takeout at wade’s place and damn if wade didn’t get jealous of himself, he was also flabbergasted when peter said he and other wade weren’t together, in fact other wade was the one trying to get other peter to leave him alone, other him is clearly a fucking idiot

so wade very firmly gave other peter a list of every goddamn kink/preference/like/dislike he could possibly think of with firm instructions to woo other him’s socks off, wade decided that they needed to get other peter back to his universe so he could get his happily ever after pronto

peter, this peter, gets hit with a brick wall of jealously when he’s out in his suit and wade straight up leaves him alone when he finds out that he’s not talking to other peter, so this peter doubles down on figuring out how to repair wade’s piece of shit teleporter and winds up creating controlled interdimensional travel out of pure spite

he finally snaps when other peter kisses wade on his way out the door, right in front of this peter, before wade can say anything peter breaks months worth of invaluable research just to make sure other peter is going to stay the hell out of his life, and awkwardly asks wade if he wants to get something to eat, without their masks


	173. Chapter 173

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** ya know i'd be more scared of boneless meatsuits running around than i would a skeleton

 **Peter:** ...

 **Peter:** i was waiting for the innuendo but now i can't stop thinking about it and you're absolutely right

 **Peter:** why did you make me think about this


	174. Chapter 174

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

teenage peter parker and wade wilson get their powers around the same time, they both made their own costume designs at the same time and wouldn’t speak for a week because they look too similar and neither wanted to change, they make up but it’s still a sore spot

they get more bruises sparing with each other than they do fighting crime and villainy in the streets, they’ve dressed up in each other’s costumes when the other has a thing to go to, which is why nobody realizes its them

peter takes an embarrassingly long time to realize he can use kevlar in his suit, wade only realizes the spidey suit is all spandex when peter goes down with two bullets in his side and he has to dig them out with a knife, peter sews himself a new suit while he’s out of commission, they tell aunt may that he got stabbed by some guy in a ski mask that tried to mug them, it certainly looks like that’s what happened, wade is not good at first aid

they take martial arts classes together and enroll in an emergency first aid class, most of which they both end up skipping for end of the world reasons, they have to take the damn class three times before they can get certified

peter has a hard time with the whole super strength thing, more so than wade and ends up secluding himself for a while until wade helps him through it, which ended in wade sleeping off at least twelve broken bones, peter still sometimes squeezes wade’s wrist too tight when he’s excited, wade tries to keep his often broken wrist a secret from peter

wade ran his spideypool blog before it was cool, peter does not know this


	175. Chapter 175

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, magic au

peter is lucky enough to land an apprenticeship with tony stark, the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist that first pioneered the change to magical technology

it’s widely debated whether or not tony really has a familiar, after all who ever heard of an artificial familiar, peter’s insanely excited to meet JARVIS in real life

peter is also insanely excited to have The Tony Stark help him summon his own familiar, even though he was older than most kids were when they first summoned their familiar, he never gave up hope that he still had one out there, waiting for him

and well he’s not entirely wrong, he did have a familiar, and tony was the one who realized that peter just literally did not have enough energy to summon his familiar himself, so tony set up some generators inside the magic circle and told peter to try again, and out popped… eeh, well it was certainly something

peter had summoned a demon, he had horns and hoary rubbed red skin and fangs and he was fucking pissed, tony stunned the creature with a spell and tried to figure out what the hell just happened

peter actually had to summon the demon back a couple times so he could explain the situation, the demon let peter call him wade, an obviously fake name, and decided that peter was meant to be his familiar, and proved it by using the same, albeit more powerful, spell to summon peter to his side

wade was a real thorn in peter’s side, he did jack shit to help or teach peter and he was never around when peter tried to call to him, he absolutely refused to wear clothes and took great pleasure in attempting to piss off everyone he met

honestly it was peter’s stubborn morality that wore wade down, he kept throwing himself in front of wade when people tried to attack the demon on sight, he also defended wade as his familiar, saying that he wasn’t going to try to change anything because this was how it was meant to be

and if that didn’t just sound like a special kind of hell, so wade decided to go easy on peter, and it turns out several centuries worth of magical knowledge and power really come in handy when peter can get it out of him

they end up tolerating each other and working together, and when the end of the world is nigh, it starts to look like they might just be the only ones that can stop it, so the end of the world really rests on how fast wade and peter can make up after the science fair incident


	176. Chapter 176

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

in autumn wade will climb up trees and shake down the leaves just so he can see peter smile


	177. Chapter 177

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

its just something that wade and peter do now, like a pattern, wade causes mischief and mayhem, and peter quietly undoes it as he follows behind

like when they’re at a store wade will pull out t-shirts from neatly stacked piles and just leave them scrunched up on top, and peter will fold them

wade will take all the pen caps when he sees a pen holder, and peter will pick wade’s pockets and put them back

wade steals all the little cream packets whenever he sees a coffeemaker, peter will put half of them back before they leave

wade ties shoelaces into knots and peter picks out the knots

wade has a bad habit of just taking library books he wants to read, peter returns them after a week

it’s always little things like that, wade doesn’t always realize he’s doing it and peter just tries to keep him out of trouble


	178. Chapter 178

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, drugs

stoner peter parker can’t stand the smell of smoke, so he mostly does edibles, he’s stoned like 98% of the time

it’s easier to get to sleep at night when he’s all sleepy after his high, he likes how the floaty feeling cancels out his spider sense, which basically feels like anxiety on steroids, his enhanced senses make it especially interesting, he usually gets fixated on colorful things and ends up mumbling color names that do not exist, he’ll swear up and down that he sees new colors when he’s high but he can’t remember anything about them when he sobers up

peter is the asshole that always comes to class late in college and all his papers are crumpled at the bottom of his bag, but he still always has the right answer when his professors call on him out of spite, and he’s always the first one done on tests and exams, he’s also always in the top ten scores


	179. Chapter 179

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** *exists*

**Peter:** *progressively more irritated sighing*


	180. Chapter 180

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool, suicide

the inside of wade's head looks suspiciously like a chatroom:

**yellow:** @Wade lol go kill urself

**Wade:** [seen 5:47pm] 👍

**white:** fucksake

**white:** just order something first

**white:** im starving

**yellow:** pizza place on 7th has that cute delivery boy💦💦

**white:** nah he stopped coming after we asked for

**white:** "that cute twink with the tight ass"

**yellow:** that was my idea!!

**white:** yeah nice going genius

**yellow:** nIcE gOiNg GeNiUs

**white:** i stg not this again

**yellow:** i StG nOt ThIs AgAiN

**Wade:** @yellow @white u guys suck

**yellow:** u GuYs SuCk

**white:** u GuYs SuCk


	181. Chapter 181

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

spiderman, the king of unrealistic poses that look good on camera and just straight up painful in real life


	182. Chapter 182

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, neighbors au

wade lives one floor above peter, and one night when he’s really tired, he wakes up in peter’s bed with a baseball bat pointed at his head and a very panicked hot dude dressed down in his boxers screaming at wade to get the hell out

wade starts to “mistakenly” let himself into peter’s house more often, he brings takeout the next time he’s sure peter is home because he went back when the guy was out and went through his fridge, not to be weird or anything, like he went through the rest of the apartment too, but it was the fridge that concerned him the most

and peter is apparently a sucker for free food because he holds onto the bat but doesn’t use it right away, peter invests in new locks, wade breaks them and peter gives up

peter can’t count the number of times he’s had to dive into a closet or come home late just to make sure wade didn’t find out about his secret identity, it’s becoming a real problem and he’s tired of being on high alert in his own home

he’s considered moving, but he doesn’t want wade to mess with the next person that will live there, they might not be as… superpowered as peter

peter gets fed up with wade’s halfhearted flirting and asks wade out himself, wade stops breaking into peter’s house for half a year, which is why peter felt safe crawling into his own house in full spider gear, and why he had to stifle a scream when wade burst through his bedroom door

wade is weird about spiderman and excuses himself out the window, peter thinks he’s been found out, but then wade shows up later when he comes home from school and it’s like nothing happened, wade doesn’t ask about the date, about spiderman, he keeps it easy, peter can appreciate that, he’s a little sad at being turned down, but there was never any guarantee that wade was _actually_ into him

except the next time peter pulls on the suit and goes for his nightly patrol, deadpool corners him and even pulls a gun on peter to threaten him, he tells spidey to treat peter right or he’ll hunt down his spidery ass and make sure he pays for every second they were together

it takes all peter has to not laugh


	183. Chapter 183

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

alien!peter parker that decides to room with a human so that he can learn about earth culture winds up with wade wilson as his roommate, peter does not realize that all humans are very much not like wade

wade is surprised at how tolerant peter is of all his weird crap and tells peter that he can tell wade when he’s angry at him, and peter freaks out because oh no i made the human upset with me, i need to show anger to keep being friends, so he works himself up, walks into the living room where wade is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, screeches, and disappears back into his room, wade thinks it’s hilarious

peter thinks all humans heal like wade does and quietly adds “can regrow limbs” to his human anthropology notebook, peter does not understand humans and their love of violence, wade made peter sit through a scary movie marathon for halloween

peter quietly gasping when sees a human with one leg for the first time, he asks wade why it didn’t grow back and wade doubles over in laughter, it takes an embarrassingly long time for peter to realize that he had been studying the outlier all this time, which means everything he’s been gathering has been absolutely useless, he’s never going to get his alien doctorate

wade thinks it’s cute that peter thinks he’s good at acting human, peter forgets all the time that humans only have one eyelid and blinks with both his eyelids in front of wade all the time, wade also thinks its fun to tell peter blatant lies just to see how far he can go before peter calls bull

he’s told peter that a penguin once ran for president and won, humans’ favorite food are bugs, islands are the result of people stacking up asteroids that fall from the sky, and that pants are worn backwards to formal events

peter’s human handlers really fucking hate wade


	184. Chapter 184

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

channel surfing style deadpool and spidey teamup where they get zapped into a tv land and have to deal with a series of out of genre craziness, and to get to the villain they have to beat each channel at its own game

except they get stuck on like some home improvement or lifestyle channel, so its more along the lines of ooing and ahing at overpriced houses before they just rent a place downtown, trying to use shoe rubber to make a fashionable picture frame, find a fierce new chic outfit to fight crime in, they accidentally murder dr. phil, wade says yes to the dress but only after three last ditch bridal boutiques each in a different country


	185. Chapter 185

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter gets turned into a cat, he decides he needs somewhere to lay low where the avengers can’t find him, he’d love the state of the art technology, but he couldn’t afford the risk of letting the avengers find out his secret identity

and he couldn’t go home, he had no thumbs and thumbs were kind of necessary for opening food containers and doors and windows, he wouldn’t be able to explain this to aunt may or any of his friends, so who-

peter got the idea when deadpool ran by, chasing after what was probably a get away vehicle, peter waited until wade was done tying up the bad guys, peter was glad to see he was trying to be less violent lately, it made peter feel like wade had actually been listening to one of his thousands of lectures

and he started yowling his head off when wade walked by, except he just kept walking, peter cursed, he thought he’d been a cute cat, so he tailed, ha puns, wade back to his apartment, his little cat legs were dying by the time they made it back

peter sat out in front of the door and pitifully meowed his little heart out, his throat was going raspy by the time something thudded against the other side of the door, peter decided fuck that and started looking for a window to crawl in, wade was terrible about keeping them locked

sure enough, peter managed to crawl up onto the fire escape and jump into the apartment, he found some pizza wade had left out and helped himself before settling down on the couch for a good think

peter soon realized being a cat is terrible for thinking, cats sleep so fucking much, peter just felt too tired and he was just so warm and exhausted right now, peter rolled over on his back and fell asleep

which is how wade found him at three am when he stumbled past the couch to the bathroom, peter actually looked very dead, he was splayed out on his back and his tongue was flopping out in a decidedly not cat like manner

both wade and peter screamed when wade tried to pick peter up and throw him outside, wade tore his apartment apart while peter hid under the bed, eventually wade gave up and went back to bed, peter settled down to think again

and woke up to an empty apartment, peter decided to make the best of a bad situation and explored the apartment, there wasn’t a lot to find, just old food, junk, unwashed clothes, a laptop, a tv and a shit load of weapons, peter gave himself a good cleaning after he was satisfied, it felt fucking weird but it felt weirder not to

he figured out how to open the fridge and found some sandwich turkey that literally smelled like if heroin was an aerosol to his little cat nose, before peter knew what was happening, he’d eaten it all, he closed the fridge and ignored his guilt in favor of turning on the tap and getting a drink

first thing’s first, he needed to start gathering up equipment, he found some broken gadgets and loose wires, anything that looked useful, he hoarded under the bed, he gave up on the laptop since he couldn’t figure out the password, eventually peter decided to clean out under the bed

he started a dirty laundry pile and dumped the rest of the garbage into the already overflowing trashcan in the kitchen, peter fell asleep in a sunbeam on the kitchen counter and woke up to the barrel of a gun shoved in his little furry face

peter poofed up and meowed softly at wade, wade just swore at him and mumbled something about fucking giant rats getting into his house, when wade starts to reach for him, peter panics and sicks his leg out and starts limping and crying pitifully, its way over the top but it seems to do the trick because wade just sighs and scoops him up by his scruff before dumping him on the couch

peter is sure to make a show of being in pain when wade pokes and prods his leg, wade tells him its not broken so he can shut the fuck up now and peter forgets he can’t laugh and starts purring

wade lets him stay there on the couch while he channel surfs, because apparently wade hates himself enough to still pay for cable, peter perks up and stares at wade’s fingers when he unlocks his laptop and starts scrolling through his email

the next time wade goes out peter claws the laptop open and carefully types in the password, he purrs contentedly when it logs in, and he gets to work, researching the stupid magic staff that turned him into a cat and how he can undo it, from what he can find, he’s screwed unless he can get zapped again

peter doesn’t hear wade coming home until the doorknob is turning so peter slams the laptop lid shut on a wiki page about bast and hides under the bed, wade opens the laptop later and remarks on how he doesnt remember searching that but shrugs it off, peter’s little heart is pounding with relief

it ended up wearing off in the middle of the day when peter was laying across wade’s lap and purring as wade scratched behind his ears, wade reacted just as badly as you’d expect when your cat unexpectedly turns into a naked dude, poor peter


	186. Chapter 186

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

the hilarious misadventures of wade and bob in take your pet to work day, the day clint had tony hack the shield database to add in so he could bring lucky in with him to the tower

peter that’s-not-a-pet-thats-a-person-wade parker does not understand what the hell is going on, but he does know that wade brought an unregistered civilian into the tower and then the fucking alarm goes off because of course bob has ties to several super villains

peter really starts to panic when jarvis goes into lock down because they’re now stuck in a metal death trap with a handful of highly skilled master assassins that are all going to shoot on sight when they find bob, and peter is very much convinced that bob was probably just unfortunate enough to get caught up in something bigger than him, especially with wade around, plus he’s fucking spiderman, he can’t just let the guy get killed in front of him

no pets are allowed in the tower after that fiasco


	187. Chapter 187

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, dysfunctional relationship

stark industries intern peter parker accidentally befriends new shield hire code name deadpool while eating lunch in the cafeteria

that was peter’s first mistake, his second was calling wade his friend within wade’s hearing distance

wade gets attached to peter very quickly, he hangs out around the labs constantly, he’s always in the lunch room when peter has his breaks and he flipped out when wade followed him home that one time

peter finally snapped at wade when wade tried stealing all of peter’s forks for three days, he couldn’t even get plastic sporks at a drugstore

wade is apparently very set on keeping peter alive, like dead set on it, he’s been systematically removing everything from peter’s life that could possibly kill him, it’s slow going but peter figures out its him when he gets to the forks

wade tells peter that peter is squishy and fragile and he needs to stay alive, so wade’s just trying to help him out there

and peter says u kno what fuck it, fight me, fucking fight me dude

like wade’s trying to back off or humor peter or whatever it’ll take to calm him down before he gets like a heart attack from overexertion

and then peter just grabs wade’s arm and flings him face first into the nearest table, wade renegotiates the whole soft and squishy deal down enough to give peter back half his forks and one of his smaller kitchen knives that peter didn’t notice he took

peter keeps putting off the shield harassment form because he knows wade means well, and besides, he can deal with this

peter comes home to flat pillows because wade didn’t want him choking on a feather in his sleep, maybe he can’t deal with this


	188. Chapter 188

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when wade and peter were unlikely acquaintances to friends, every time peter started a sentence with “wade, we need to talk” wade would say “you’re breaking up with me, aren’t you”

wade said that right before peter asked him out, and when peter got down on one knee

*gasp* “you’re breaking up with me aren’t you”

peter, in a deadpan, holding a ring, “yes”


	189. Chapter 189

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, character death, murder, roomates au, nsfw

peter is a new shield recruit and was unfortunate enough to meet all the right criteria to get assigned to be agent deadpool’s roommate, everyone is already making bets on how long he’ll last and peter is just so confused, well he’s less confused when he opens the door and sees deadpool in full blood spattered costume cleaning guns in a regulation no weaponry area, and holding a bloodied sack in his lap

peter closes the door and takes a deep breath before going in, deadpool just laughs and congratulates peter on not running away in the first ten seconds

deadpool is the opposite of a good roommate, he’s always up at weird times doing who knows what in their room because apparently he doesn’t ever sleep, he’s got beef with just about every higher up in the facility and sometimes they take it out on peter instead, and he won’t take anything peter says seriously

so peter asks his mentor, black widow, what he should do and comes back with a list, it’s a list of everything he wants wade to either do or stop doing, he webs deadpool to a chair because if deadpool can have weapons then so can peter, and puts on his best intimidating black widow face and tells wade he’s going to fucking cooperate, and to peter’s surprise, they talk their way through the list and work things out and it works

wade doesn’t track blood around, peter doesn’t ask about the mask, wade keeps his guns unloaded in their room and peter tinkers with his web shooters on the desk, wade keeps quiet while peter is asleep, and peter stays

peter is known around the compound as the deadpool whisperer, it drives peter crazy because deadpool doesn’t listen to anything he says, he’s insufferable and irritating, and last week he walked in on wade wearing heels and a sexy maid outfit over his merc costume

several times a week peter wakes up screaming to wade’s masked face hovering over him, the guy has zero personal space when it comes to peter, and that’s started to carry over to outside their room, he’s started hanging around peter when he trains and eats, and peter knows deadpool is ditching his actual work to pull this shit

one time deadpool comes back from a mission with his sleeve pinned up and roars at peter to leave, peter hides out in the library that night, he fell asleep there by accident, but when he goes back to their room, deadpool is gone

that night deadpool is back and peter’s things are all boxed up in the corner, peter has to ask what the fuck is going on and deadpool just says matter of fact that peter is moving out now because everybody does eventually because he’s just a crazy sob and peter has limits

but peter just unpacks his stuff again and tells wade not to touch his shit without asking, it’s hesitant, but wade starts to tail peter around again, babbling the whole way, and peter finds that he likes talking back, partly because it surprises his roommate, and partly because he’s starting to realize that deadpool is genuinely fun to talk to

in fact, peter gets along with deadpool so well that shield decides that peter’s next mission is to babysit deadpool, well not in those words exactly, “we’re going to try something new” coulson had said cryptically

wade hadn’t seen the spiderman costume yet, he spent half the mission singing its praises, peter and deadpool both got to their guy at the same time, the mission was to bring in the mark alive, peter got mad when deadpool used that as a loophole to break both the mark’s legs, easier to keep from running this way spidey

peter went ballistic on wade, he was just so fucking mad that deadpool would do something like that for the hell of it, there was no reason to do it, even if wade was right about the mark deserving it, that didn’t mean he should, they’re supposed to be the good guys here

“baby, i never said i was a hero”

“then that was my mistake”

wade cracks first, he corners peter in their room and starts with “wade, my name is wade wilson”, he tells peter about what he was doing before shield, and why he joined in the first place, because he wanted to be a better person, and maybe peter was right, he was supposed to be the good guy and what he did was not exactly morally upstanding, and peter hugs him because goddamn it you’re my friend so im going to hug you when we make up, wade ruins it with a boner, but its still technically a moment

shield has them basically bound at the hip, they never send out wade without peter, and wade has already threatened murder if they let peter go out without him there, and hell they work really well together, but even the best make mistakes

it’s a guns stockade in the middle of nowhere, it was supposed to be a simple get in blow it up type deal, but they hadn’t counted on mutants being there, peter and wade were already just barely staying alive and backup wasn’t coming soon enough

one of the mutants snagged wade’s mask and tore it off which distracted him just long enough for them to get a hit in, peter turned in time to see wade fall to his knees with a gaping hole melting through his chest, the fight didn’t last long after that, shield arrived to a bleak, incinerated flatland and found peter cradling wade’s body, the bad guys were all cocooned together, they weren’t moving and when checked were only shallowly breathing, it was the first time peter had used his spider venom on anyone

wade woke up in their room with peter staring at him, there were tears in his big doe eyes and wade immediately sat up and asked peter who he needed to kill, peter was so happy he “accidentally” kissed wade, at which point wade realized he wasn’t wearing a mask and flipped out, peter grunted when he was slammed into the wall and wade disappeared into the bathroom

peter handed wade a new mask through the crack in the door and sat down on the floor, after a while he asked wade if a striptease would make it better, wade said maybe and peter added that he was wearing a thong under his costume, it worked


	190. Chapter 190

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, elementary school au, no powers au

wade and peter met back in elementary, they drew themselves as superheros for a class project and liked it so much that they kept going

peter made spiderman, “he’s got spider powers!” becomes he’s super strong and can shoot webs and climb walls

wade made deadpool, he’s strong too and he has swords and lots of guns

deadpool and spiderman are best friends of course, they fight crime together and save the day, peter gets mad when wade tries to get deadpool to profit off their adventures because “that’s not what being a hero is about, wade”, to which wade usually says “that’s stupid”, but they usually make up over lunch

peter has to start going to therapy for his anxiety disorder, so wade comes up with the spider sense, it’s a warning in spiderman’s head that tells him when danger is nearby, just like peter’s brain is trying to do

when peter tries to climb the swing set like spiderman and falls and breaks his arm, peter and wade decided that spiderman and deadpool need healing factors, they can shake off things like broken bones after a day instead of having to deal with casts, because casts are awful and smelly and itchy

but when wade gets taken out of school for chemo, peter knows a healing factor isn’t going to cut it, wade scribbles all over deadpool so that deadpool will look like he’s got cancer all over, deadpool has such a good healing factor that he’s immortal, he can’t beat the cancer but it can’t beat him either, peter thinks hes a genius

unfortunately wade wasn’t deadpool


	191. Chapter 191

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), "Do you remember that elementary school AU you did several months ago? Could you maybe continue it with peters reaction to wade dying of cancer?"

peter refuses to attend the funeral, like that would make it all go away, but it doesn’t, he has to go to grief counseling now, but he doesn’t like talking to anyone now either

peter makes deadpool his imaginary friend, his parents get worried because isn’t he a little old for this kind of thing, peter finally stops talking to deadpool around middle school, being the weird kid just made school harder

and then it got worse, peter lost his parents in a car crash and moved in with his aunt and uncle, he didn’t talk to deadpool, but he started drawing him, thinking about what he would say, what he would do, and it’s easier to focus on him than everything else

by the time peter was in high school, he was drawing comics, aunt may reminded him about spiderman and peter started drawing him too, aunt may and uncle ben got peter his first tablet for his birthday, and peter took to it like a fish in water, he started up his own comic website, eventually started printing and selling his comics, and then he got scouted by a major comic industry and started an entire franchise around spiderman and deadpool

peter cried when he went to the premier of the first movie, he’d immortalized wade the best he could the only way he knew how


	192. Chapter 192

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, identity porn

so in the mother of all fake relationship tropes, stark industries intern peter parker is fucking tired of the avengers being personally invested in his nonexistent love life, it’s like he gained a whole team of awkwardly nosy relatives that keep asking if he has a girlfriend yet, he snaps one day and lies about dating spiderman, and everybody believes it because he’s admitted to knowing spiderman well enough to do the whole photography job for the daily bugle for years

peter has a mini heart attack every time someone asks him how spiderman is in bed, and almost slams into a building when another hero asks spiderman how peter is in bed, daredevil just gives him a look because he fucking knows and he’s silently judging

peter decides that this is maybe the worst lie he’s ever told when he gets kidnapped for the fifth time this month in an effort to draw out spiderman, he breaks himself out because he really doesn’t have time for this bullshit

peter really regrets lying when he realizes he likes wade but can’t do anything because he’s still “dating” spiderman, wade is very vocal about how great a threesome would be, peter stages a breakup, he ropes daredevil into his bullshit because he needed somebody to wear the costume for his plan to work

wade laughs for a month after peter reveals his secret identity, he literally never lets peter live it down


	193. Chapter 193

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

peter and wade have been at this whole saving the world business for years now, they met in peter’s thirties and wade’s eeeeh forties? fifties? sixties? he hasn’t been counting for a while now, they’ve hauled each other’s asses out of hell more times than they’d care to count too

it’s not easy putting everything on the line for scant gratitude and police chases that almost twenty years later are still going on for some goddamn reason, and peter likes to yell “i’m too old for this shit” when he’s around one of the older heroes because fuck if it isn't the funniest thing ever when they get angry in the middle of battle and can’t tell peter off until after he’s gone

wade and peter don’t age like the others, peter ages of course, but he’s just now growing out of his baby face at 52, wade is still exactly the same, physically at least

peter lost a leg a long time ago when he was young and careless, tony made him a new one that looked amazingly realistic, and peter just never really bothered to tell anyone about it, years later he made a new prosthetic to match his spider legs, he cannibalized the iron spider suit after tony’s consciousness was uploaded into the planetary defense system, the only thing he really kept was the attachment with the giant mechanical legs, the rest of the suit was all peter

peter and wade have an actual lair now, wade got it for peter some years back for their anniversary, it’s officially called the spider cave, there's a wood carved sign by a local artist and everything, it’s got a huge lab for peter with a big overhang since he’s gotten into the habit of doing sciency things upside down with the iron spider legs, he’ll swear up and down that it makes him think better

they also have what peter calls the yogurt vat and wade lovingly calls the spank bank, it is literally a huge vault of off white goo that wade soaks in sometimes when his skin gets to be too much, it smells vaguely of peaches and something medicinal

both of them got fed up a long long time ago with not being able to fly, peter got rhodey to help him develop less bulky, personal, miniature jets, both peter and wade use them to go to the coffee shop ten feet away instead of walking

black widow runs the shield/avengers youth certification program, most of the kids that actually survive will claim they have seen hell in natasha’s eyes and it was when she introduced them to waterboarding, she is not an easy teacher

occasionally she pawns off some of the less herculean recruits she still sees something in on peter and wade, they didn’t mean to become mentors, in fact they will still deny there's anything like that going on, but they’re not going to turn down a lost kid that just wants to do right by the powers they were given, the spider cave is the unofficial hangout for super powered teens, peter carries on his mentor’s legacy of making kids thematic cool shit like costumes and weapons, and he’s got a big gold embossed plaque hanging up in the cave, it was a gag gift but peter loved it so much he hung it up, it has his uncles motto on it and god are the kids sick of hearing it all the goddamn time

wade helps out at the betty ross center a lot, it’s a mental health institute dedicated to strictly anonymous care for masked, unmasked and wanted supers, wade does group therapy sessions for supers that can’t take traditional medications to help with their disorders and illnesses, wade never thought he’d be at a place like this, much less offering advice, but hey things change


	194. Chapter 194

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avengers, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for part 2, "For the fake relationship au where peter is “dating” Spider-Man. Can you please write the conversation where right after the break up Spider-Man asks Deadpool out and he’s all like “I won’t be a rebound” then eventually after a bunch of refusals peter just comes clean to wade, please!!!!!"

Peter was sitting at his desk and playing chess against JARVIS on his work computer instead of actually doing anything productive. Today had been a real… day. It had certainly been a day. He’d logged out of Facebook that morning just to avoid the backlash and concerned friends and acquaintances. He had a card sitting on his desk. It was actually a generic drugstore “sorry for your loss” type thing, but Natasha had given it to him with a curt nod. She had written something along the lines of, “I’ll hurt him if you want, no one has to know.” Peter had politely declined.

The Avengers were all carefully avoiding mentioning Spiderman around him and were generally treating him like glass, which meant they brought more free food. That was, so far, the best thing to come from this whole debacle. Peter was having a hard time faking the whole broken up about it thing. He had to lock himself in the bathroom so he could laugh until tears were pouring down his face.

Steve caught him walking out of the bathroom with red eyes and gave peter this look that almost made him start laughing all over again. He had to choke it back, which Steve had taken as a sob. Peter will always cherish the memory of Captain America walking him to the Avenger’s private kitchen and giving him a breakup pep talk while unabashedly talking a box of pizza right out of Clint’s hands and sending peter on his merry way with it.

Peter hadn’t actually counted on seeing Wade just yet. He was going to give it a week and then hunt him down. But fate had other plans today. Wade snuck up on him and plopped down a greasy bag of takeout from their favorite Mexican joint on Peter’s nice clean, glass desk. What was it with supers and using food to avoid feelings?

“I got six churros, and I only ate three this time. You’re welcome,” Wade said, snagging a chair so he could sit next to Peter.

“You sure know how to charm a gal off her feet,” Peter said sarcastically, already digging out the churros.

“Charm a gal?”

Peter shrugged. “I’ve been hanging around old people too much. Don’t tell Bucky and Steve I said that.”

Wade eyed Peter as Peter tucked into the first burrito he dug out. “So…” Wade started, “you seem to be doing, good? Unless this is one of those delayed reaction type things where you pick up the super villain mantle after a week and swear revenge on the man who wronged you. This is just me throwing ideas out there, but have you considered an exterminator theme?”

“I’ll take that into consideration, but I really don’t have the kind of money you need to be a full fledged super villain. Think I could set up a gofundme for that?”

Wade wasn’t really laughing like he usually did. “Look, Petey pie, I know I’m not… great with… I’m not the first person most people go to when personal shit hits the fan. And I don’t have a great track record when it comes to dealing with basically anything in a “healthy manner,” but I just wanted to-“

“You wanna go out?” Peter asked, cutting him off.

Wade froze. He stopped spinning in his seat and Peter could swear he heard the muscles in Wade’s face creak to a stop. This was not how he had planned things. He really should have made an actual plan first. Plans generally help things. Like now, it might have kept Peter from opening his big mouth.

“Out?” Wade said slowly. “Out, sure. Let’s go play hooky. Gonna give the boss man a heads up first or…”

Peter stopped eating. “No, I mean, do you want to go out with me, like on a date-date?” When Wade didn’t respond Peter pointed at Wade, “You?” And then at himself, “Me?” Before gesturing between them, “Date-date?”

“No, no,” Wade muttered to himself. “They don’t usually match up with the lips.” He sat back in his chair and sighed heavily. “Look, I get it kid, you’re all fucked out on feelings and shit and a quick fling with a debonair antihero seems like just the thing to get you back on your feet and all, but trust me you do not want to go down this road. I don’t want to go down this road. I can get you hard drugs instead! Worked for me before the whole bullshit immunity thing.”

Peter picked at his wrapper and kept his eyes on it instead of Wade. “What if,” Peter began, “I told you we broke up because I was in love with you.”

Wade’s answer was flat. “Then I’d tell you you’re fucking crazy.”

Peter had stopped eating. “We weren’t ever really a thing, you know. It was just something to get people off my back. It was convenient. And it worked. Until… you.”

Wade stood up. “Look, Parker, I already told you, you don’t want this. Stop trying to make me your rebound.”

“Wade!” Peter put down his burrito and followed Wade out into the hall as he headed for the elevator. “Wade, I’m dead serious. I know this probably wasn’t the greatest timing, but I basically haven’t been with the guy for months! I’ve already gotten over it.” Which was entirely true. Spiderman was a horrible boyfriend. Couldn’t even be in the same place at the same time. Arguments were so one sided.

Peter shoved his way into the elevator with Wade. Everybody else vacated the elevator in favor of waiting for the next one. “Wade, just give me a chance to prove I’m serious,” Peter begged. “What about all the ass grabbing and innuendos and everything? Was all of that a joke to you? Do you even like me?” Peter was hitting low and he knew it. He was desperate, and he wasn’t proud of himself.

Wade grabbed Peter’s arms and shoved him back into the elevator wall. When he spoke, his voice was strangely soft and sad. “Baby boy, don’t do this to me, please. I can’t take it.”

The elevator doors dinged open and Peter was left blinking at the space Wade had just been. He ran after Wade anyways, right out the front door. He grabbed Wade’s wrist and pulled him into an alley. Wade almost fell over, he hadn’t expected Peter to have that much strength in that scrawny little body of his.

“Petey,” Wade warned, but Peter just held up a hand and ran his fingers through his already messed up hair in frustration.

“No, shut up for a second.” Peter took a deep breath and looked around, making sure they were alone. He nodded to himself and tugged at his hair. “Okay, okay. Okay, so, I’m going to say something, and you’re going to fucking shut up and listen because I have been through hell and back for you at this point, and then you can give me an answer. Good?”

Wade held his hands up placatingly, “Getting a liiiiittle bit of that super villain vibe now, but aright. I’ll bite.”

Peter nodded again and opened his mouth. Nothing came out and he closed it and looked up for inspiration. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and quietly whispered, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” Peter sighed and looked Wade dead in the eye and said, “I’m Spiderman.”

Wade’s face did some fun acrobatics before he snickered. “Sure, Bambi, sure you are.”

“Wade!” Peter said indignantly, “I’m being serious!”

That just made Wade laugh harder. “Says the guy that tripped on nothing, fell on a letter opener, and then passed out trying to walk home because it didn’t look that bad.”

Peter winced, “Not my proudest moment.”

Wade wiped away an imaginary tear, “I’ll say.”

Peter sighed and put his hand on Wade’s face. Wade stopped laughing. “What’s going on now?” he asked Peter curiously. He reached up to brush away Peter’s hand and found it wasn’t budging. He grabbed onto Peter’s hand and tugged slightly.

Peter just watched him with bored disinterest, waiting for him to get the message.

Wade pulled hard enough that he heard the seams in his mask begin to rip before he stopped. “Got it yet, Deadpool, or do we need to go a few rounds?” Peter asked.

Peter let go of the mask and dodged as Wade stuck a knife where Peter had just been. “The fuck, Wade!” Peter yelled.

The eyes of Wade’s mask widened comically. “Holy shit, you’re Spiderman,” he said quietly. “Holy shit, Spiderman is Peter!” he said a little louder. Peter hurried to shush him.

Wade started laughing uncontrollably. “You were Spiderman! I asked you for a threesome!” he said in a delighted whisper.

Peter groaned. “You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Can I at least get a pity date?” Peter asked hopefully.

Wade stifled his giggles and said, “Yeah, I think I can manage that for my two favorite people.”


	195. Chapter 195

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

daily life at the avengers tower, but filmed in the style of the office, the camera cuts to spiderman interviews all the time because even though he isn’t actually part of the team, he still has opinions on shit, they found him in the lobby and threw him a mic

“he doesn’t even go here” can be heard off screen in many of the spiderman interviews, peter asks the camera crew about the avengers all the time and they have to get him to focus so they can actually get what they need, “so does mr. stark talk about me at all or…”

peter can be seen climbing on the outside of windows sometimes, usually waving at the cameras

#makespideyanavenger starts trending after season 3

peter buys an official “still not an avenger” t-shirt from the online store and wears it over his spiderman costume on the show out of pure spite


	196. Chapter 196

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter is really glad to see wade he’ll take a running leap at him and bowl them both over


	197. Chapter 197

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, scientist au

as much as i love arachnophobe peter, what about spider obsessed peter, like the kid who goes out and finds spiders and keeps them in tanks in his room, he’s got little name tags on all the tanks and he feeds them daily, there’s a whole shelf in peter’s room just full of research notes about spiders by the time he’s in high school

he goes for an entomology degree in college because arachnology doesn’t really have it’s own degree, but he’s gonna fucking be an arachnologist even if it kills him

peter who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and after discovering his powers tries to talk to spiders, he gets mad when he can’t because what kind of bull, honestly, so rude, can’t even talk to spiders, what was the point

he never really gives up the whole talking to spiders thing and it’s always something he tries when he’s alone, like how people try to use the force sometimes, not because they really believe it’ll work,,, but like what if it does this time

peter who tries making his own webs and realizes that it’s really goddamn hard, he gets better with time and learns to recreate web patterns, he actually learns a lot from making webs, like why certain species make webs the way they do, or where the best places to make trap webs are, how to cocoon things, peter finds himself wishing he had an extra set of arms because this shit is hard to do with two hands


	198. Chapter 198

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade accidentally breaks something while sneaking into peter’s place while peter is out, wade then decides to stage a break in so that peter won’t know he broke something, he does this by breaking everything, he also gets caught


	199. Chapter 199

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

a list of things peter would like to complain about:

enhanced senses are bullshit, they should have come with an off switch

why does nobody give me money for this shit, saving the world ain’t cheap you know, enhanced metabolism means ten times the food bill

got bit by a hairy goddamn spider and i still can’t grow a full beard

enhanced senses are bullshit, i can only wear like five kinds of fabrics now, which means the spider suit can’t be fucking kevlar

also since the suit is thin, fucking thongs, most of my underwear drawer is thongs now and i don’t have an excuse if somebody finds out

why are all my villains just jacked furries, is it the suit???, i can rebrand, it’s not too late

speaking of, why does like half my rogues gallery like to lob slime or goo at me, like what is the appeal, get a more practical weapon loser

enhanced senses are bullshit and the sun is literally evil, i’m adding it to my villains list, it’s going somewhere above rhino but definitely below electro

i would like to stop getting molested by aliens every other week

why isn’t one of my powers not being afraid of spiders anymore, rude

dear civilians, if i am around, you should be running, i stg if one more person tries to get me to take a selfie with them while i'm being crushed to death i will… i will do… something bad probably, fuck

dear avengers, stop pulling the “you’re too young to do this peter” shit and then turn around and tell me i’m “too old to be making these kinds of mistakes”, like am i a failed adult or a failed child, make up your minds

fuck you jj, i break your billboards on purpose, and i shred your insurance paperwork so you never get anything out of it, that was me!, it’s always me, i befriended people in the accounting department just so i could sneak a peek at the quarterly expenses and fucking laugh at how much money you spend on new goddamn fucking billboards, this is the only thing in life that brings me joy now, so fuck you


	200. Chapter 200

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, baker au, college au

wade is an ex convict that started up a bakery that specifically hires other ex convicts, it’s actually pretty popular, his daughter is v proud of him, he’s got a collection of aprons that his daughter drew on with fabric markers, his favorite is the dinosaur one, it’s only a little burned

peter is the cute college professor that comes in every monday, wednesday and friday at exactly 3:20 to order “what do you recommend”, wade has not been subtle with the flirting, and for a while he was sure that peter was flirting back, but one day it just stopped

peter is a lotta bit in love with the hot baker at his favorite bakery and he goes there every day after his classes are over in the hopes that wade won’t be too busy and will sit down and talk with him for a bit, he’s been trying to work up the nerve to ask wade out, except he asked wade about his aprons, and wade said his daughter drew them all

wade was adorable gushing about his daughter, and at that moment peter’s heart broke in two, he never thought he’d be the kinda guy that spends his time pining after a married man, but he keeps going back every week, like some kind of masochist, because that’s what he is now, fucksake parker

peter feels very fucking uncomfortable when wade gives peter his number, in front of his daughter, and gives his daughter a high five, because he gave peter his number

peter is conflicted, because he doesn’t want to be that guy, but what if he’s just blowing this out of proportion and wade just thinks of peter as a friend and peter is the one over thinking things and being a dick, so peter texts him back, and they go out to eat, and peter is just sitting there trying not to panic just telling himself, “not a date, not a date, not a date, just two bros hanging out”

and then wade kisses him, and its perfect and magical and peter’s brain short circuits and he’s kissing wade back and everything is perfect, until it isn’t, he stops talking to wade, doesn’t go back to the bakery, he’s not going to be the person that ruins someone else’s marriage

except he’s a huge fucking idiot, because he’s talking to a coworker that knows wade and they tell him that he’s got his daughter every other week after the divorce, and peter just internally collapses because he’s a huge idiot, so he goes back to apologize to wade, and they try again, the date goes very well this time, thank you very much


	201. Chapter 201

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade is honestly flabbergasted when peter first puts leftover pizza in a ziplock bag before putting it in the fridge, he asks wade well what were you doing with it before

and wade just opens his fridge, there’s boxes upon boxes of nasty dried out pizza still sitting there in the open in grease stained cardboard boxes


	202. Chapter 202

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, x-men, the bachelor au

THE BACHELOR AU

i can’t watch it sober but imagine how much better it would be if it were gay, like peter gets talked into it because his friends all think it would be hilarious, and it’s just like a ton of hot men

OOOOOOoooOOO WAIT SO THE BACHELOR AVENGERS EDITION

this works so well because peter is one of those characters that i ship with just about everyone, plus u can rope spiderman into just about anything if you slap a charity sticker on it

the director got them to release symbiote eddie brock under some overkill restrictions, peter is very uncomfortable with this situation

johnny storm because how can you not, they’re exes

daredevil, but he did this as a favor, shhh he’s secretly pining after peter

fuck it lets bring in the x men, i want kurt because reasons

kitty pryde because they’re so cute together and honestly i just want them to interact more

wolverine because this is reality tv and the director did not shell out several millions and his soul to not get some drama

and tony either being a concerned parent or totally trying to woo the smart upstart that saved his life once

ooo black cat because how can you not, they’re exes

and captain america because he’s america’s sweetheart and yes he totally makes peter drool

and bucky tags along because he’s pretty dead set on watching out for steve now that they’ve been reunited again, but he’s still not technically a contestant, he just glowers in the background

and of course the one he falls in love with, deadpool, because i’ve got a theme to keep here

one of the challenges/dates is literally just try to beat up spiderman, and he kicks everybody’s collective ass

kissing challenge where peter gets a blindfold and he has to guess who's kissing him, actually everybody gets a blindfold because reasons, and those reasons are not everybody winds up kissing peter

pool night is poorly thought out, not everybody is okay with chlorinated water, or just ya know, water, some of them have almost drowned before too, plus masks do not do well when wet

swimsuit contest!!!!

shield was hired to make a death trap american ninja/wipeout styled obstacle course, natasha and clint are part of the course, they hide in secret nooks and crannies around the course and try to mess everybody up, it’s probably the most fun they’ve ever had if the evil laughter is anything to go by

blind dates where peter and the contestants go on dates but peter doesn’t know who with and they have voice changers to disguise themselves, the goal is to keep peter from guessing their identity the longest

describe your perfect date, peter walks out as soon as venom takes the mic

haunted house date, because the director is literally an idiot, jump scares are not good for a trigger happy group of people with ptsd, there is thankfully only one death, it’s wade, he’s fine by the next day

chameleon infiltrates the set and fucks with peter, who may have gone a little crazy trying to hunt him down once he figured out what was going on

the rose ceremony is intense, the twitter tag gets intense, everything is intense, peter is having problems dealing with the intensity


	203. Chapter 203

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Peter, walking into class:** how dare you,,,, expecting me to learn things,,, honestly,,,,, rude,,,,,


	204. Chapter 204

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, college au, kidnapping

wade kidnaps peter the daily bugle photographer because he’s got something he wants to ask spidey about and thought this was the easiest way to find him

except peter is a tired, hungover, late for his midterms college student and he does not have time to deal with any of this goddamn bullshit, not today universe! fuck you!

which is how wade ended up with the single most uncooperative kidnapping victim he had ever napped, the first thing peter said when he woke up was “i swear to god i had better be dead or somebody else will be”

he laughed in wade’s face when wade told him why he’d kidnapped peter, peter was very adamant that spiderman was not going to save his sorry ass because he was just some guy, like spiderman forgot his name usually, they made a deal once and that was that

peter made wade take pictures of him all tied up and unhappy and post them so that peter would have a timestamp to shove in his professor’s face when he went to beg for a retake

“just kill me now, it’ll be easier than trying to pry a retake out of my chem professors’ cold clammy hands”

peter doesn’t do well with awkward silences, “sooooo if i suck your dick can i go home early”

eventually shield sends barton to pick up the civilian wade had been bragging online about kidnapping, he’s actually pretty impressed when he gets there and wade is threatening the kid with a knife and peter is just angrily arguing that thor is objectively hotter than captain america, as though a crazy merc wasn’t waving a knife in his face while he was tied up

clint leaves an arrow in wade’s skull and escorts peter home, peter decides to push his luck and ask clint for like written proof that he couldn’t get to his midterms today because he’d been kidnapped, clint does one better and sends captain america to charm peter’s professors into bending, half of them just straight up gave him an A instead, and it wasn’t because he’d been kidnapped and threatened with bodily harm yesterday, noooooo, this is america, a hot 70 yo in spangled spandex is literally the only reason peter gets good grades this semester


	205. Chapter 205

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

blatant lies peter has told as spiderman when being peter parker has kept him from being out on the streets, super heroing

i got caught in my own web (only sometimes a lie)

im allergic to sunlight and my costume got ripped

i had to save a spider

i bit myself and got high on mutant spider venom

i had to beat up a clown in the sewers

er mutant [insert animal here] were trying to [destroying verb] [location]

the stars were not in position

had to finish my musical number first, i swear it’s like no one knows this is the musical episode

i had a thing with a guy

i grew an extra arm for like three hours so there’s that

i was hypnotized into thinking i was johnny storm and spent so much time making gross kissy faces at myself in the mirror that i forgot to save the world

there was a bomb, probably

i’m batman


	206. Chapter 206

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, college au, kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "in the college kidnap au how does wade react when he finds out peter is spiderman????"

wade takes a shine to peter after the whole kidnapping debacle, he ends up following the guy around and asking him about spiderman, the kid may not be an expert or anything, but at least he knew something

peter just takes it in stride, dangerous mercenary follows him around like a dog now, ok great that’s a thing now, moving on

wade finds he likes the bitter, sarcastic strung out college kid and finds himself looking out for peter more than spidey, he knows peter doesn’t eat enough, he’s already hacked the kid’s accounts, he knows the guy is dirt poor, so lucky for wade it’s amazingly easy to get peter to stick around when there’s the promise of free food

and peter just rolls with it, he doesn’t see a real reason to drive off the merc, plus what was he going to do? call the avengers?? the cops??? It just wasn’t worth the effort, plus the guy had been growing on him, peter didn’t have a lot of friends lately and the whole spiderman gig was really sucking it all out of him, so wade was always a semi pleasant surprise, plus he usually came attached to free food, which is the best way to lure peter into anything

peter was content with the way things were, they had a kind of easy truce, it was weird sure, but it was also comfortable, so of course it all had to go to shit, peter and wade were sitting in peter’s tiny dorm room while peter tried to muddle through his homework assignments, without thinking he asked wade to hand him his physics notebook, the one in his backpack

his head snapped up just in time to see wade reach into peter’s backpack in slow motion and pull out the spiderman costume, they both kind of froze, peter makes up something about fixing it up for spiderman, and he hopes it was a good enough lie, unfortunately for peter, wade isn’t stupid

next time he’s out on patrol he sees wade who says, “how’s it going, peter” and peter responds without thinking and wade is vibrating out of his suit in excitement because he knoWS SPIDERMAN’S SECRET IDENTITY

so peter winds up swearing him to secrecy and it’s a tense first couple a months, but nothing really changes, well wade does bring more shop talk and spiderman paraphernalia whenever he stops by, peter is honestly relieved, wade is the first person he’s really been able to talk to in forever and he never realized how much he needed to just talk, wade is there when spidey can’t save everyone, he helps pick up the pieces, and when aunt may passes away, peter cries into his shoulder, he even hangs around the shadows at the funeral, it means a lot to peter that he came

in that way that only shared trauma and lifelong secrets can, peter finds himself drawn to wade more and more, he kind of has a meltdown in the middle of his chem final exam when he has the sudden realization that he’s in love with the guy, he still passed


	207. Chapter 207

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade losing against taskmaster not because he’s hard to fight, like literally both of them are impossible for taskmaster to beat, no it’s because they know that it’s super easy to beat him and got distracted arguing


	208. Chapter 208

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, au au, time travel au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can you do a time travel au or more au au? i'm just trash for those two types of fics!"

both? both. both is good

wade once accidentally got himself stuck in a time loop when he tried asking spiderman on a date, hangout, to get married, to have sex, to please kiss me, to dinner, out and fucked up so bad that he panicked and hit the reset button on life and used his teleporter belt to go back in time so he could try that again, except he did that like twenty different times and the twenty first time he didn’t hit the button, time just reset itself, happy eternal tuesday motherfucker

peter jumps universes by accident after he dropped a gizmo he’d been examining without asking at reed’s lab, everything feels exactly the same but it is definitely different, it’s little inconsistencies like the giant ass robots in the sky that remind him he’s not in kansas anymore

even worse is that the giant ass sky robots are looking at him and now the eyes are glowing red and hoooooo shit he should probably move before that spotlight means something, which is how peter parker accidentally transported himself into an alternate future dystopia where he’s a wanted criminal, like avengers most wanted, he’s way up there in the top three

it doesn’t help that when he finds this world’s peter parker whos tricked out with all kinds of cloaking gear to keep himself safe, the guy tries to throw peter under the bus so the authorities stop trying to hunt morally grey peter parker down and kill him

peter has a not very fun time of trying to stay alive while attempting to contact literally anyone that will believe him, oddly enough its wade wilson that shows up to be his knight in not so shinning cloaking armour, peter tries not to think about the fact that wade saved him because this spiderman and deadpool have an on again off again friends with benefits thing going on, and wade thought he was the other spidey

peter really is grateful for the assist, but it makes him really uncomfortable when wade looks at him with this sad fucking face and says quietly that he remembers when his peter used to be like him, and that scares peter because what if this is his future, how did this peter get here, but wade won’t tell him shit, says something about crossing streams and time travel bull

peter gets drunk with wade because apparently this universe has alcohol that can really fucking kick your ass just because there’s so many supers that can’t get drunk on the normal stuff, when they wake up peter pretends to have forgotten what they did, he’s sad and lonely and stressed and on the run he reasoned, he doesn’t need anymore drama he tells himself, it was a mistake he tries to think, but the fact of the matter is he winds up falling hard for this wade, like flat on his ass hard

he almost doesn’t leave, he’s given the chance and he almost turned it down knowing full well what would happen to him eventually if he stayed, knowing full well everyone he’d leave behind in his world, but he does leave, because his world needs a spiderman

he doesn’t say goodbye, he can’t handle that

when he gets home nothing has changed, he’s the only one that was ripped out of his own existence for months, he still has the same outfit on that he had when he left, mustard stain and all, it’s almost like he woke up from a dream, except it felt so real

he finds himself drawn to his wade more and more, missing the man he’d left behind, but it’s not the same, not the same person, not the same voice, the same face, the same scars, the same words, it’s all just one degree to the left of where it should be, and he has to live with that for the rest of his life


	209. Chapter 209

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter, staring at wade with hair and without his scars, *squinting*, “you know that moment in beauty and the beast when you see the prince as a normal person for the first time and it’s kind of… like you can’t tell if they just hyped it up too much or if you got so used to the beast that the beast just looks objectively hotter at the end…?”

“…petey, is this your way of telling me you’re a furry?”


	210. Chapter 210

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade wants to try laying in a web hammock and asks peter to make him one, so peter says maybe and spends the next three weeks trying to figure out how to make something sturdy enough to work, and when he finally gets it, he weaves one right outside wade’s window

when he’s done he knocks on the glass and wade slams the window open when he sees peter, and then he sees the web, he fucking launches himself at peter, through the window, they land in the hammock, and luckily it holds, except they are very tangled now

wade just barely manages to cut them free, they’re both laughing like a pair of idiots the whole time, they try it again later, much more carefully, and this time its on top of a skyscraper where it’s just far enough away from the ground to be peaceful, and they lay down together and watch the sunset, it’s romantic as shit


	211. Chapter 211

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, amnesia

spiderman and deadpool accidentally get caught up in the blast when a mind control ray explodes, they both end up with no clue what the fuck they’re doing there or why, or like why they’re both in skintight spandex

wade says maybe they’re strippers, peter says what the actual fuck would we be doing in costume in an abandoned warehouse

they decide to call each other spider guy and gun man for obvious reasons, they unmask and wade says hot shit you are fucking gorgeous, maybe we’re dating bc I am totally turned on right now

and peter digs out a mirror so they can see their own faces and wade says I’m too ugly to be a stripper, and peter is just like there’s probably a market for that


	212. Chapter 212

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fake relationship au

peter was minding his own business one day when a man covered in blood and torn clothes stumbled into him on the street, the guy collapsed on peter with a slurred apology and immediately passed out, peter flipped his shit a little bit and used his super strength to carry the guy to the hospital because in the moment calling an ambulance wasn’t at the forefront of his panicked brain

peter was worried about the guy and lied to the nurse to get in, he blurted out that he was the guy’s boyfriend and she let him in

peter started to realize he had stumbled into some serious shit when clint barton walked into the room with a shield escort, peter recognized the name wade wilson from his research on his on again off again superhero teamup partner, so peter was now stuck in a hospital room with shield agents, an avenger, and apparently he was dating a dangerous merc, he really didn’t want to get arrested today

he was going to just excuse himself and forget the whole thing when wade sat bolt upright and in the chaos peter got pushed further in the room, peter didn’t have an excuse when wade looked at peter and asked who the fuck that was, luckily or perhaps unluckily the nurse looked at wade funny and told him peter was his boyfriend

wade, as a testament to his ability to doubt himself, just murmured something about not remembering any of that and peter found himself rushed out to get interrogated by shield, peter made up an entire backstory in an effort to keep from getting in any more trouble than he was already in, fortunately for peter he already knew wade somewhat well enough to bullshit his way through the interrogation

so peter wound up taking wade home, which he luckily knew where to find after that one time wade had let spiderman sleep off a gunshot on his couch, wade just spends the whole way rambling and staring at peter

peter is thankful that wade doesn’t try to get close to him, he is still a little worried and sticks around long enough to order some take out when he can’t find anything in the fridge, it’s really weirding him out that wade is so fucking quiet for once, he just keeps muttering to himself under his breath

peter was hoping that wade would just forget about peter and he’d be able to move on, but peter wound up being dragged away for shield and avengers briefings and warnings and to get cool new gadgets that all have trackers that peter has to take the time to disable, and wade stops peter at least three times a day to tell him how amazing he thinks peter is and wow peter is staring to feel really fucking bad about the whole thing because as it turns out wade is an amazing boyfriend and it’s like a week before peter realizes he’s kind of in love with the guy and he was totally not ready to be in this relationship but he can’t back out now without making a huge mess of everything

there’s that parker luck


	213. Chapter 213

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "please more memory wipe au"

neither of them has any idea what to do next, so they turn out their pockets, wade says the condoms in his belt pouch just prove his boyfriends theory, peter doesn’t find pockets, wade finds a phone

the contacts are all descriptors, unknown numbers or first names only, there’s no home or family listed, wade finds out his name is wade in the settings, he mentions he doesn’t really feel like a wade

peter tries to grab the phone from wade and accidentally breaks his wrist, wade is screaming and peter is screaming and peter falls over and dents the concrete floor and screams some more, it’s a mess, wade is fascinated when he can feel his bones knitting, he still screams for that too, but it’s still cool

so they decide that they have super powers, peter finds out he can stick to things, wade is disappointed that the only other thing he can seem to do is hit everything he aims at, peter tries to climb the wall and falls off twice, wade is totally jealous

they get into a fight over who’s the hero and who’s the sidekick, peter argues that he has cooler powers, wade says he’s got a gun, wade almost wins

they slip their masks back on and venture outside, it’s dark and they can see the moonlight reflecting on the water, they’re by the docks, peter can’t remember which docks, all that comes to mind is The Docks

it then occurs to the both of them that they are both completely and utterly lost, they try to pick the most normal sounding name in wade’s contact list and let the line ring, logan picks up, “this had better be good”, wade answers with something along the lines of yeah who the fuck am I and who the fuck are you, logan hangs up

they go through five more contacts with similar results, peter gets frustrated and they try calling weasel, weasel actually does not hang up and laughs his ass off when he finally gets the gist of what’s going on

he even drives all the way out to pick them both up and show them wade’s most recent safe house, peter gags at the stench of rotting food and dried blood, wade just looks very off put

so they grill weasel for anything they can get and peter is getting steadily more angry that he can’t figure out shit about himself other than his hero persona is called spiderman and he can shoot webs, well he should be able to shoot webs, he can’t figure out how to get that to work and its killing him

wade kind of wishes he didn’t know anything about himself, he starts to feel self conscious when weasel keeps staring at his face like it’s a particularly interesting car wreck and slips his mask back on, wade liked himself a hell of a lot more ten minutes ago

weasel leaves with a good luck and not much else, peter and wade clean the place up a little, the number of guns and knives they had to stack in a pile is unnerving, peter tries to ignore how wade being a merc makes him feel, he finds a shit ton of spiderman merch in the bedroom, maybe wade was right about the boyfriends thing

they don’t know if their memories are ever coming back so they set up shop and peter tags along on wade’s missions, weasel starts him off small, surveillance and roughing up creeps, peter figures out how to work the webshooters, and for one glorious day he feels like he’s flying through the air, and then he runs out of web fluid and hates everything

peter kept crashing at wade’s place and wade just didn’t say anything so that’s just what they did, it worked, until the avengers showed up demanded wade hand over whatever he had on spiderman that keept the guy from leaving

after a quick power point presentation on the recent chain of events, peter and wade walked out of tony’s lab together, memories restored

it’s awkward, it’s even more awkward when peter shows up at wade’s house in civvies with a pizza and finding dory, and then it isn’t

it’s a regular thing now, peter and wade just hang out, like all the time, they’re attached at the hip and it would probably weird out the avengers if they knew peter’s identity

peter makes the first move, wade is about to flip shit when peter pulls up his mask, but he kind of doesn’t have any time to do anything about it because peter is kissing him and his brain is suddenly offline and it’s heaven


	214. Chapter 214

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fake relationship au

peter is freaking out because holy shit he told aunt may he had a boyfriend to cover up his heroing antics, and he’s kinda running out of options and ideas when he conveniently runs into wade as he’s heading home to lie again

holy shit dude so i need a huge favor, will you come to dinner with me at my aunt’s place and pretend to be my boyfriend

wade: *rebooting*

look, here’s my address and my phone number, and since this is going to be a maskless thing this is what i look like without the costume

like what even does wade say to that, he just goes with it because this is obviously a great dream, best dream meatloaf ever


	215. Chapter 215

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

great idea, the whole magic not death ray that turns people into animals, where wade or peter gets turned into an animal that the other has to deal with, _**but**_ with largely unconventional animals

consider:

ostrich

dolphin

pelican

lobster

rhino

tiny bat

iguana

manta ray

swan

giant tortise


	216. Chapter 216

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fake dating au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "and more fake dating au please ???"

peter and wade get roped into helping out the fantastic four do recon at a fancy gala in latveria, peter wasn’t sure how in the hell he and wade of all people were going to lay low at an event like that, but somebody got wade a personal hologram device and it’s really fucking weird to see skin and touch Kevlar, but damn wade fills out that suit nicely, wade says almost that exact thing to peter and johnny chimes in that he’d rather see it off him

wade glares at johnny storm, johnny storm is public enemy number one now

their cover is wade is a german dignitary and peter is his husband, an up and coming american photographer, peter is surprised to find out that wade knows german… and spanish, and french, and japanese, and russian

peter feels kind of stupid, he slowly comes to the realization that night that he’s the trophy husband, he drowns his sorrows in caviar and tiny, fancy, bite sized cakes

wade is surprisingly good at this, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any less wade, he uses every chance he can get to plant a kiss on peter’s cheek and cop a feel, it’s almost endearing if it weren’t so annoying, peter decides to kick wade’s ass at a later date

johnny is there with dr. richards and sue, doom apparently invites them to his events regularly as a sort of passive aggressive fuck you, johnny flirts with peter, mercilessly, wade can’t tell if it’s a personal attack or not but fuck it that’s his husband that johnny’s after

which is why wade drags peter off to dance, because they’re on a mission, not because dancing gets them the fuck away from storm, is what wade tells himself as peter tries desperately to keep up with his footwork, wade takes pity on peter and whispers instructions as he leads

peter mumbles a thanks and looks up at him with big doe eyes and damn wade wished he knew what peter actually looked like under the hologram, it’s going great and peter is laughing as wade spins him around, and then without thinking, he dips peter and locks their lips together, they both go stiff at the same time


	217. Chapter 217

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Peter:** [screaming from a building] I will hunt you to the ends of the Earth!

 **Wade:** [Yells back while escaping] I love you too!


	218. Chapter 218

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

wade absolutely fucking adores when peter falls asleep on him, peter looks like a snoring angel when he’s asleep and he can’t fight back when wade squishes his face, every time it feels like a miracle that peter could trust him enough to sleep on him, just feeling peter’s slightly elevated heart rate beating away as they’re pressed together makes everything that much better, peter starts radiating heat when he sleeps, it’s like he turned on a personal heater, it’s cozy as hell


	219. Chapter 219

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade asks out peter parker and then immediately goes to spiderman to stress about their upcoming date that peter hadn’t been sure was actually a date until right fucking now, peter not being able to handle wade telling him everything and asking for advice, literally everybody thinks wade is just thick and spiderman is in love with him

peter cannot handle The Talk wade gives him when somebody finally mentions that everybody thinks spiderman is in love with wade, and wade tries to set things straight, like i would normally be ecstatic and drop everything to get spider funky on the rooftops with you, but i have peter who is perfect and i am in love with, but i am really flattered like wow spiderman likes me, would you possibly be up to a threesome if peter agrees because that would be like 80% of my fantasies right there, not that i’m trying to like make you feel bad or anything, you’re still sexy as hell but like i’m taken, so…. yeah

peter’s heart cannot take this


	220. Chapter 220

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

smol stressed peter is great but consider peter who is 110% done with this shit

like ok i guess all the uncreative fish themed villains teamed up today because there’s literally a sharknado tearing through downtown, cool, cool, quick question

why does it look worse than the cgi in the movie did


	221. Chapter 221

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

do you ever just think about how goddamn amazing peter must seem to wade, like wade has so many issues his issues have issues, he quite literally hates himself, goes without treatment for all of his mental illnesses, and lives in a society where literally everyone blames him for his illnesses and how they make him react, the majority of the time he’s getting screwed over and the best relationships he has are all fucking awful, it’s no wonder he blames himself for everything, and it’s so easy for him to get stuck in that mindset where he can heap the blame on himself with no hope of getting better

and then along comes this guy, who’s an honest to god hero, near perfect record, got goddamn sunshine pouring out of his ass kind of good, and he sees wade and for once in his goddamn life gives him a real break

realizes that wade is fighting falling back into that pit and that he has relapses and bad days and struggles with his own issues, he treats wade like a person, but more than that he makes wade a friend, and gives him trust and loyalty and the emotional labor that no one else is willing to spend on him, he gives wade the chance that he needs to really do some serious good for himself, because he’s never had anybody look him in the eye and tell him he did good enough, that he’s proud of wade, that he cares about wade, that wade matters, his feelings and well being and emotions matter

he’s allowed to be less than perfect around peter and that honestly gives him something that he’s been missing most of his life, he can work up to feeling like he’s allowed to just be, like peter must look like a fucking saint in wade’s eyes


	222. Chapter 222

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Peter:** my spider sense tells me something is wrong

 **also Peter:** i have elected to ignore it in favor of pretending nothing is wrong


	223. Chapter 223

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

peter gets fed up with the way the avengers treat him sometimes, he’s a grown ass man, he can buy his own alcohol even if he can’t get drunk, he pays taxes and bills and votes, the only thing he can’t do, apparently, is be treated like a fucking adult because he’s younger than the rest of the avengers

it drives him up a wall when they withhold information and ban him from tracking down villains and joining them on missions

peter’s been dredging that teenage rebellion back up from the ashes of his childhood to be as fucking petty as possible, he tags along on missions he’s been told to stay out of, he’s been hunting down his enemies alone just so he doesn’t have to deal with backseat heroes

so of course when every single one of the avengers tells him to stay the fuck away from deadpool, well shit, he’s right up peter’s bi alley, peter crushes hard, it’s partly petty rebellion partly actual attraction but fuck it peter is into him

poor wade is in not only the avenger’s sights now, but shield’s too ever since spiderman started hanging around him so much, well no, it probably was the overtly sexual flirting and propositions they were concerned about, semantics


	224. Chapter 224

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, nsfw

so wade answers this really fucking sketchy cragislist add that’s so vaguely worded that it either sounds like a very polite murderer asking for victims to offer themselves up or one very kinky date to be, either way he’s got nothing else going on and besides what’s the worst that could happen, he’s fucking immortal

he gets an email back in minutes which is not at all creepy, and the only thing it says is “what’s your blood type?”, again, not at all creepy, but he humors what is probably a would be serial killer, they agree to meet up in a parking lot after dark and oh boy is wade looking forward to kicking some perv’s head in

but when he gets there he almost misses the guy, he’s smaller than wade had imagined, he’s younger too, the hipster look and wide brown eyes that you can get lost in are just icing on the cake

wade suddenly feels very self conscious since he looks ten times more suspicious than the other guy does, and wade is supposed to be the innocent victim here, the guy introduces himself as peter and takes wade to a nice restaurant where they sit down and peter pays to watch wade eat, which not the weirdest thing wade’s ever seen

peter just drinks water and stares through wade like peter hasn’t slept in ages, he looks kind of dead on his feet actually, when wade is done peter finally asks if he could have wade’s blood, which, again, not the weirdest thing

peter says he’s a college kid who’s got a lab experiment on blood cells he’s got to get done for his big project except he’s got some sort of anemia so he can’t use his own, and wade is ready to gtfo because he’s bad with needles and generally anybody that wants his blood, he didn’t know that peter wouldn’t turn around and sell it to some shady organization trying to start up weapon x again

but before he can say anything peter’s already backtracking, saying it’s alright, he knows the whole thing is weird, he just needs more samples and he doesn’t want to ask anyone he knows for some reason

and wade, against his better judgement, says hey you didn’t eat anything why don’t you let me treat you next time, and peter looks like he’s thinking hard before he says why wait, and that’s how they end up at peter’s place, in peter’s bed, peter is fun, he’s a biter and wade likes it, peter’s mouth is blood smeared by the time they’re both sleepy and satisfied

wade wakes up before peter does and figures he’ll make breakfast because damn if the guy didn’t deserve it, probably the best lay of his life, but when he opens the fridge there’s no food, there is, however, a hell of a lot of blood, all neatly arranged in medical blood bags

he’s already ready to go when he hears the lock click and sees peter locking the both of them in, and fuck he really wanted this one to be normal…ish, he could have lived with ish, so he’s ready to fight and peter is holding up his hands and saying let me explain

so that’s how wade learned peter was a vampire, as it turns out sex for blood isn’t a bad trade off


	225. Chapter 225

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade’s brain kind of stutters to a halt the first time he realizes that peter, the peter parker he somehow managed to convince to date him, has insecurities about himself in regards to their relationship

like it takes some mental acrobatics to come to terms with that

peter worries that wade will leave him because he wasn’t good enough, because he let wade down, because he couldn’t make anything of himself, because he has issues and he keeps making them wade’s problems, because he’s a drain on wade’s wallet, because wade is going to get hurt because of him, because what if wade secretly hates him, because what if peter isn’t attractive enough, because peter thinks hes a burden sometimes

and then wade feels like shit because peter has been keeping all this crap to himself because he thinks wade already has enough to deal with, and wade feels worse because peter always spends all his time helping wade deal with his insecurities about them and goddamnit parker, relationships are supposed to be about communication, i shouldn’t have to beat your feelings out of you fucks sake, you’re the fucking idiot that keeps giving me lectures on how i’m supposed to voice my goddamn concerns like take your own fucking advice, it’s good fucking advice


	226. Chapter 226

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, police au, journalist au

hooooo shit, so a buddy cop gig where peter is the wide eyed rookie fresh out of the academy who gets paired with wade, the veteran who’s done some time on both sides of the law and solves problems with his own unconventional charm, meaning he hits people very hard until they give him what he wants

it’s not a great tactic, but man does it fucking work when he wants information, he’s already got a goddamn reputation so why not use it, peter is fucking mortified when he first sees wade roughing up a guy

peter, the naive soul he is, writes up a report on his partner, but before he can even ask for a new one, wade is shoving the form in peter’s face and asking what kind of bullshit is this, and peter is like, u did bad thing therefore u gotta deal with the consequences

and wade is like, that sounds like bullshit, but alright, what’ll it take to get you to shut up, and peter takes it seriously and he’s like show me that you can change, and wade, after he finishes laughing, is like oh shit ur serious, ok fine but only bc ur hot

the longer this goes on the less wade wants to admit he feels better about what he does, the less he wants to admit that peter has been giving him real tips on how to deal with his aggression and anger issues in a healthy way, the less he wants to admit that people actually treat him with respect more and he’s had kids recognize him and say hi without trying to tag his car for beating up their parents, the less he wants to admit that peter genuinely makes his life better, like he even hates himself less now because he’s being forced to be less of a dick

so now that he can’t avoid dealing with his problems with power imbalances and violence, he’s drinking his feelings away

except peter doesn’t like it when he comes to work drunk, actually nobody does, but it’s peter that matters, he let a perp get away because he was too hungover to chase him, and peter saw

wade has a serious think about his life on top of a roof he didn’t remember climbing when he wakes up sometime past midnight, when he was little, he wanted to be a cop so he could be there when that kid called the cops on his abusive family, he was going to be the person that believed the kid and not the parents, so what exactly beat it out of him along the way, he only became a cop when he was getting close to being caught as a merc, and then cops were just fucking corrupt, he fit right in, that’s how he’s kept his job so long, ended up doing a stint in jail just to cover his chief’s ass, course he owed it to the guy for ah overlooking the shootout he totally caused when he saw an old “friend”

but peter doesn’t need to know any of that, in fact he should get out now before he gets his little doe eyed face beaten to a pulp by whoever he pisses off next, and wade fucking tries to get him to leave, tells him to get out while he still can, before this career twists him up and leaves him broken

so maybe somewhere along the way peter got a soft spot for wade, who obviously should not be a cop, but hell he was trying, ever since peter told him to fucking shape up, he’s been trying, and god is it killing him, it’s almost hilarious how bad he is at dealing with life, if it weren’t so sad

peter is not actually a cop, he’s a reporter going undercover to get hard evidence on widespread corruption in the local police department, he’s actually shocked at how fucking easy it is, i mean they have body cameras for fucks sake, he just downloads all the crap that’s been going on at the end of every day before somebody can delete it, he’s got private conversations and pictures of the chief’s office, he walked into the chief talking with at least three local politicians in hushed tones, like you can’t be much more obvious

and when peter’s got enough, he’s ready to get the hell out of there, except he doesn’t want to throw wade under the bus, not when he’s the only person peter has seen trying to do the right thing, even if it is gradual for him, he shouldn’t be a cop, but he doesn’t deserve what’s coming next

so against his better judgement he takes wade aside and tells him to get the hell out now before shit hits the fan, and wade can take it one of two ways, he can listen to peter and run, he’s good at getting new identities, or he can take peter into custody and blame him for whatever the hell he wants so long as it keeps peter from doing what he said he’d do

but this is wade, there’s always a third option when it comes to wade wilson


	227. Chapter 227

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, teacher au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Teachers AU?"

peter is mostly the chemistry teacher, he’s also the only chemistry teacher which means he can only offer ap chem every other semester, he also teaches earth science and oversees the photography club

wade is the german teacher, he’s the only language teacher that teaches something other than spanish so his classes are always packed, he has a laisse faire approach to german club, and is very involved in the nra youth club that the rotc teacher didn’t want to do

peter and wade are very different people, they’re usually at each others throats actually, wade will say something and peter will go off on a rant and dump a bunch of resources in wade’s lap with the instructions to learn something for once, and wade does, peter gets flustered very easily when wade flirts with him, wade is not above using this to win against peter

wade is head over heels for peter and it’s really fucking obvious, the rest of the staff have a pool on when they’re going to finally start dating, it’s been going on for two years now

joke’s on them, because they started dating three months into the first school year, they just didn’t see the need to tell anybody, natasha is the psychology teacher and she bet a long time ago that they were already dating, she’s waiting for the day she wins the pool, she’s going to buy a motorcycle


	228. Chapter 228

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, police au, journalist au, neighbors au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "How about a buddy cop update?"

peter had to go into witness protection after the fallout got nasty, and wade only served for a year because of peter’s testimony in his favor and the fact that he ratted out everybody in the force, he had to go into witness protection too

they end up as neighbors in a cute little suburb in the middle of nowhere and are very badly trying to be upstanding neighbors, peter cannot handle the neighborhood drama and wade is ready to throw down wih cheryll with two Ls for insulting his petunias

they’ve been kicked off the neighborhood association web page multiple times for starting shit


	229. Chapter 229

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Peter:** *tears a hole in his pants* feel my legs I just shaved


	230. Chapter 230

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter has a cat, the cat is an asshole but only to wade, and wade is the only one that can see it

the cat will shit in his shoes and shed all over his clothes and only his clothes, it keeps clawing wade every time he gets close to peter, which peter brushes off as he’s just not used to you, wade can’t leave his phone laying around because the fucking cat will shove it off of whatever counter or table he put it on, he’s lost three phones this way

the cat hid in the bathroom one time and tried to claw off wade’s dick when he tried to pee, he was so damn close to just shooting the fucking hairball and getting it stuffed, he’d mount it’s little head over his fireplace, side note, he needed to get a fireplace, he could just open a window and pretend it got out, it would be so easy, so so easy

but then he remembers that peter would be heartbroken and puts the gun away with a sigh

wade gets a dog out of spite, a big barky pitbull that slobbers all over everything, he was told not to let her around cats and this is the best idea he’s ever had, which is why it backfires spectacularly

peter is excited to meet wade’s new pet and invites them both over, as according to plan, but when they get there and she sees the cat and bolts for the fucking cat, the cat takes one swipe at the dog and suddenly his big scary pit bull is cowering in fear behind wade

peter laughs and wade angrily watches his dog get tortured by peter’s evil cat


	231. Chapter 231

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

living with wade is a lot like having a cat

sometimes when peter is trying to sleep he’ll hear weird noises or a crash and put off investigating until tomorrow, wade technically lives there but he comes and goes as he pleases, he likes climbing things and perching, he sleeps in a lot of unusual places, anytime there’s food he comes running

he just looked at peter funny when peter voiced his observations


	232. Chapter 232

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, bakery au

wade owns a cute little bakery downtown and it always smells like heaven, ellie tells him it smells like bread, either way, it’s pretty amazing

wade had decided to drop the whole mercenary thing when he found out he had a daughter, he also tried to turn things around, he tried turning wade wilson into a somewhat functional human being, no one knows about his alter ego or his past now

imagine his surprise when spiderman walks through his doors one day and tells him his bakery smells so amazing he decided to take a break, he was the real goddam deal because wade watched him back flip off a roof and walk in

wade’s freaking out a lotta bit and gives his favorite hero like half the store on the house, peter only takes a loaf, wade rips off a strip of receipt paper and finds a pen and shoves them into ellie’s hands, he tells her to get spiderman’s autograph and she says why can’t you do it, and he tells her because she’s cuter so he’ll have to give her an autograph

and ellie rolls her eyes and runs up to spiderman and asks if she could get an autograph for her idiot dad who’s in love with him, she says it very loudly and wade runs over to shut her up before she says anything else, “kids, amirite?”, peter signs wade’s apron and the three of them get some selfies

peter actually really liked the little bakery so he comes back in civvies to pick up something for aunt may, when he walks in the first thing he sees is the giant poster of that selfie he took with the baker guy last week and wow how did he even get that made so fast, he’s so embarrassed he almost walks back out

peter recognizes wade and says, sooo you’re a big spiderman fan?, because peter can’t help it, he’s kind of flattered, and wade just starts gushing and ellie interrupts to tell peter how it really went down since her dad likes to “exaggerate”

peter finds himself laughing and he kind of loves this place now, he comes back a lot, he even takes aunt may once or twice because she wanted to compliment the baker herself

peter was dead on his feet, he’d just finished a day long patrol since he’d had a free day and he was ready to get home and pass out for a week, which is of course why an eighteen wheeler suddenly lost control and peter found himself staring at a pair of headlights and debating how many bones he’d break if he didn’t spider jump out of the way

turns out the answer is three, he doesn’t actually get to decide because the hot baker, wade, fucking barreled into peter and shoved him out of the way at the last second

in the rain, with wade crouched over him, saying his name gently and the wet asphalt digging into his skin, peter could swear he saw stars in the other man’s eyes, that or it was the blinding pain of fracturing his wrist and rebreaking two ribs, either way that was when realized he might be a little in love with the guy


	233. Chapter 233

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter don’t really do soft wake ups, they learned that the hard way

wade once tried to kiss peter awake and wound up on the floor with a very confused peter slowly letting go of his neck, peter was sleepily tracing scars on wade’s face one morning and found himself rocketing backwards as wade’s fist slammed into the mattress where peter had just been

now they just get out of bed and shake the other awake, there’s a whole arms length between them that way


	234. Chapter 234

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, magic au, fantasy au

peter lives on the edge of town with his aunt and together they take care of the goats, it’s a comfortable enough life for the two of them, they always have just enough to eat and peter has friends in town, he doesn’t like to make a big deal of it, but the son of the osborne family that owns the land, harry, is one of peter’s best friends

life is good, until it’s not, a dragon ravages the countryside and burns the crops to a crisp, half the livestock disappear overnight, no one is safe

the osbornes send adventurer after hero after magician, no one comes back, and the flames never die

peter had it bad enough just struggling to care for what goats they had left, he was crushed when may was burned, he found her outside, feverish and unmoving, he rushed to the town doctor and begged and pleaded for help

the doctor said that burns like these were fatal, the best thing to do for may would be to put her out of her misery, but peter can’t accept that, he begs and pleads for another way, and the doctor relents and tells peter about a magic flower that only grows in the heat of a slumbering dragon

peter leaves aunt may in gwen’s care, mj convinces her parents to give up some of the spare armour they have laying around and gifts peter a dagger, it’s the result of years of secretive self taught magic and her own blacksmithing capabilities, it’s the most precious thing she owns and she tells peter to come back with it or she’ll become a necromancer just to kill him again herself

so peter sets out with what little he could scrounge up, it’s only a week on foot before peter sees the tell tale signs of a nearby dragon’s lair, he wonders offhandedly how long had it been sleeping that a town could be built so close by

peter prays to whatever gods are out there that the dragon is gone when he arrives

the cave is uncomfortably warm and humid, peter begins to sweat before he even enters the scorched cavern, he lights a lamp and ventures in and to his awe finds a sea of blood red flowers with long petals like lilies that shimmered faintly in the light, these had to be what he was looking for, he wondered briefly why the doctor had warned that they would be scarce and difficult to find, he grabbed a handful and began to run when a massive clawed hand shot out of the dark and blocked his escape

peter was going to die, he looked into the yellowed eye of the most fearsome creature he had ever seen, a great red and black scaled lizard with folded wings and such a battered face that peter wondered how the dragon was even alive

peter, in his panic stammered a greeting and introduced himself, that gave the dragon pause, he’d never seen a human so ill prepared to face a dragon before, nor one that bothered to talk

the sulfuric stench of the dragons breath made peter drop to his hands and knees, gagging on the putrid smell, a guttural rumble came from the dragon as peter realized he was being laughed at, to peter’s fascination, the creature spoke, the sound rumbled around the cavern in booming vibrations and struck peter’s skull with each word, he could just barely make out what it had asked, why he had taken the flowers

peter, very confused at his current state of still alive answered honestly, he needed them to heal his sick aunt, the dragon hissed and asked what peter would give him in return, peter could not think of a single thing that a dragon could want from him, he had no money, no treasure, no skills, and now no goats, he only had himself

he asked the dragon what he wanted instead, the dragon considered him for a moment before telling peter that he was to return here after giving the flowers to his aunt, peter accepted and wandered home in a daze, mj found him wandering the outskirts of the village, not really seeing anything, she soon sobered after peter told his tale

he did as promised and left the flowers with gwen, saying tearful goodbyes as his friends begged him to stay, he couldn’t even wait long enough to see his aunt sit up in bed and talk, he left

when he returned to the cave, the dragon was sitting outside like a cat with his head cocked to the side, the creature looked even more fearsome in the light of day and peter made peace with his fate and prepared to be eaten

the dragon did not eat him, the dragon told peter to call him by his name and walked him to the back of the cave, peter was kind of thrown when he learned the dragon was called wade, giant claws picked their way carefully through the brilliant red flowers that grew in the scorched earth at the lip of the cave, the farther back they went the brighter it became, holes in the roof flooded the massive cavern with sunlight, rays of light dappled the most extraordinary collection of flowers peter had ever seen, more than he had ever imagined to exist

wade purred proudly as peter stood rooted to the spot in awe, this dragon, as it turned out, hoarded flowers, and peter had just signed on to be the resident gardener


	235. Chapter 235

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, nsfw

peter and wade had a week long argument about how they would rank which avengers they would be most likely to invite for a threesome

1\. thor (uncontested)

2\. captain america (also uncontested)

3\. iron man (peter insisted he had to be in the top three)

4\. hulk (heeey super strength and immortality, why the hell not)

5\. black widow (she’ll kill us both but it would be worth it)

6\. falcon (i don’t think he’d ever take us seriously)

7\. hawkeye (you know i think he might say yes if we paid him)

8\. winter soldier (idk about this guy but he’s still hot)


	236. Chapter 236

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter indulges wade in a lot of dumb shit, both as peter parker and as spiderman, he had to admit though, making up a secret handshake and practicing it until his hand stung from a million high fives was kind of fun, peter and spiderman both have secret handshakes with wade

wade catches peter one day and starts their handshake, but peter wasn’t thinking and did the spiderman handshake instead, perfectly, peter freezes with his hand in the air as wade’s eyes go impossibly wide


	237. Chapter 237

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade grabs peter’s hand when they’re walking bc I don’t want you to be cold, and peter is like wade we both have a higher than average body temperature my hands are not cold

shhhh I’m being a good boyfriend, peter just chuckles and bumps his shoulder against wade’s as they keep walking


	238. Chapter 238

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter gets so stressed out by all the rich people bullshit he has to deal with from others, like one of his best friends is the kinda guy that only wears that designer jacket once and then burns it, it drives peter insane when he sees harry throw out a shirt because it is missing one(1) button

and he’s around tony stark all the time, he may be the object of peter’s longest standing man crush and science minded wet dreams, but for fucks sake the man has like seven different designer coffee presses in his bathroom and never picks up after himself

and wade, wade wilson is very good at what he does, which means he gets paid very well, he doesn’t think too much about dropping thousands on some dumb shit like a full set of life size figurines of the avengers, which he keeps in his bedroom and dresses in holiday appropriate hats, but the thing he does that really bugs peter to his core and has him forcibly restraining himself from strangling wade, wade never checks the eggs before he throws them in the shopping cart


	239. Chapter 239

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, online dating au, college au, nsfw

ONLINE BOYFRIENDS

where peter and wade meet online and become friends, peter’s the one who asks if wade wants to be more than friends and wade has to take a break from his screen so he can happy flap his hands off, he says yes of course, they’ve been dating for almost three years now and never bothered to send pictures of each other, well that’s a lie, wade has many many pictures of peter’s dick, wade never felt comfortable enough to take pictures of himself and peter respected that

peter and wade irl know each other, they met on campus when peter was doing a demonstration for the areal aerobics club during the big bazaar at the beginning of the year, wade may have stuck around because of dat ass, but he stayed because he met peter and lowkey he’s had a crush on the guy since they met, but he’s not going to ruin their friendship just so he can be weird

see, neither of them use their real names or faces online, they only recently found out that they go to the same college and agreed to meet up outside the library

when peter goes, he sees wade with his hoodie up standing in the shade of a tree and stops to chat, only to find out that wade is also waiting for someone, they’re both cryptic dorks, so it takes peter realizing that wade is wearing his hello kitty backpack that peter’s boyfriend said to look out for

“wade, can i kiss you?” peter asks suddenly

wade’s neck snaps around so fast he’s afraid he broke something, peter just stretches his dumb t shirt with the electron joke on it that he told his online boyfriend to look out for and grins at wade

so yeah, they kind of forgot they were outside and gross made out in the middle of the courtyard, peter’s face turned red when he heard somebody wolf whistle, they took the advice of the one girl that told them to get a room, they got a room, and yes it was fun


	240. Chapter 240

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "Omg!! Does peter ever find out wade was following him for shield?!?! I love this!!!!"

wade’s latest mission is a no kill pi type deal, as per spiderman’s request he’s been taking more humane missions, he’s following around some college kid for the avengers because they think he’s stealing tech and information from shield and stark, the mark’s name is peter parker and he’s been working as a lab tech in stark industries for almost a year now, plenty of time to leak information

wade doesn’t mind undercover work, shield even handed him a nifty little pin that disguises his skin and face, he looks like a normal person when it’s turned on, he can do anything from old lady to giant baby faced man to scruffy hunk, it’s really fucking cool

he’s been hanging around the college where peter goes to school, kid’s not exceptionally popular, but he always has somebody hanging around him, he’s pretty routine, follows the same schedule each week

which is why wade almost jumped out of his skin when peter plunked himself down in the chair next to wade and offered him a coffee

peter says he saw wade looking at him and figured he’d come over and ask wade out since he was interested, wade is actually at a loss for words for once, i mean, kid’s not wrong, he is hot in that hipster nerd kinda way, wade totally was staring, but fuck he’d never had a mark take any interest in him before

he blends and observes, that’s how these things work, but peter parker just likes throwing wrenches into everything, doesn’t he


	241. Chapter 241

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, supernatural au, monster au, demon hunter au

wade is a demon hunter that set up shop in a little town in the middle of nowhere that’s supposed to be right on the edge of the doors to hell, he actually rolled into town still wearing a priest’s vestment and hid out at the local abandoned church, he wasn’t expecting people to show up to the dusty old stone church that following sunday and had to bullshit his way through an impromptu sermon which is how he accidentally became father wilson, much respected priest

it actually works out pretty well for him, all things considered, he’s got all the right tools and knows enough latin to drive out the demonic pests that have been plaguing the town, the townsfolk celebrate his one month anniversary of living there and he gets told that most holy men end up dead within the first week

wade is a little weirded out at how everybody here is totally normal and still just take all the magical bullshit that happens to them in stride, like he’s already exorcised three people and one of them was a grandfather who’s family just kept him chained in the living room, it’s an involuntary habit for most of the people living here to flip back over any upside down crosses they see, they’ve got a water tower full of holy water that feeds into the towns drinking water, it’s the real thing too, he’s tested it

wade is instantly suspicious of the bright young stereotypical rich boy that never stops smiling, he’s never at the church and nobody seems to know who he’s talking about when wade asks about him, oddly enough he gets his answers from a group of kids who’re out in the cemetery shouting insults at gravestones to scare the dead out of rising again

the kid’s name is peter, he attends the local high school and gets perfect grades, he doesn’t have parents or a home or really anything, he just exists and besides grading papers and avoiding him in the hallways, no one acknowledges his existence, when he asks why, the kids say that a girl once asked him out on a dare and was never seen from again, one of the kids says that they used to have a dog but the dog started barking at peter and dropped dead when peter looked at it, the dog started smoking when they tried to bury it so they had to burn fluffy instead

so wade is pretty sure that he’s in over his head, the peter kid is everywhere, whenever wade looks up peter is there, smiling, it’s fucking unnerving, he can only guess that he hasn’t been killed yet because he hasn’t left any openings for peter to use, being paranoid as fuck has it’s uses

so wade sets a trap, he cleans the church thoroughly and kneels in front of the alter waiting for peter to realize he’d cracked the cross held by the church’s patron st margaret statue, wade has the biggest shit eating grin on his face when he hears peter scream, the grin dies when he feels a burning hand grab onto his arm and sear his flesh, wade screams as hellfire scorches his body and he catches a glimpse of peter as he was meant to be seen, beautiful and terrifying all at once

wade woke up the next day buck ass naked on the church floor with peter angrily kicking him awake, peter is fucking pissed and it’s because that trap wade had laid that was supposed to turn peter to stone didn’t quite work, peter had grabbed onto wade intending to take the man with him and accidentally bound himself to wade instead

the townsfolk put two and two together pretty goddamn easily when they see wade’s horrific disfiguration and peter sulking in the back of the church, so that’s how wade sort of bound himself and a demon together for all of eternity and cursed himself with immortality, on the bright side exorcisms are so much fucking easier now that he doesn’t have to do any work, most demons and monsters are terrified of peter and vanish as soon as he shows up

peter is understandably angry, he keeps killing wade out of spite and generally tries to make wade’s life hell, in retaliation wade sings exorcisms in latin and has a spray bottle full of holy water he carries around, peter is actually a pretty good cook when he doesn’t put poison in the food

nobody questions wade when he sticks peter in a priest’s vestments and forces him to help clean and restore the church, at this point they just let wade do whatever he wants since he’s the one keeping their demon problem under control

wade isn’t good with the whole social aspect of his job, he’s been invited to so many community functions and dinners with families and he can only avoid them for so long, people actually speak to peter now and he takes great pleasure in making wade as uncomfortable as possible

wade finds out that peter is actually millennia old and he’s been guarding the gates of hell since he was created, when wade asks why a teenager peter says it’s because people don’t question when a teen is alone but they also trust him more because he looks like a child

peter gets very territorial when a vampire family moves into town, wade manages to make a deal with them, since he’s immortal he offers up his blood but it’s not really sustainable because it takes a while to regenerate all that blood so he goes to the mayor and the hospital starts a vampire friendly blood donation program

they just barely manage to kill the werewolf that sneaks into town, it still turns the local doctor, a child and one of the teachers, wade has to broker a peace deal so that the vampires feel comfortable and the new werewolves have protection, it’s a testament to the perseverance of the town when new ordinances makes it so that everybody gets new moons off and it’s just a sort of stay in weekend, wade drags peter along to babysit the werewolves when they turn

when the gates of hell are opened on the day of the total solar eclipse peter tells wade that he can’t fix this unless wade unchains him, there’s no guarantee that peter will fix anything, that peter won’t kill them all, that peter can even do anything, but after all they’ve been through, wade trusts him


	242. Chapter 242

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "Omg!! Does peter ever find out wade was following him for shield?!?! I love this!!!!"

if we’re being honest here, peter totally knew it was wade all along, wade already found spiderman, bragged about his mission that he’s doing under The Avengers, showed off every variation on his disguise, and told peter that he was going to go follow his target around on campus for a while

if peter were a better man he’d play innocent and just not give him anything he could use against peter parker, but he’s not a better man, so he purposefully watches for wade and when he finds him, peter flirts shamelessly

peter is kind of an asshole, because this goes on for weeks, peter can’t stop smiling because wade keeps forgetting he doesn’t have a mask to hide his emotions and he’s got “flustered idiot” painted all over his face

peter gets a little too cocky and takes wade home one time, but wade is a gentleman and absolutely refuses to fuck his mark, he’s trying to have morals here, and peter is making it damn hard, in fact to remind himself that peter is a mark he goes through peter’s backpack while he’s in the bathroom, and finds the spiderman costume

wade excuses himself and fucking runs home so he can have an existential crisis in the comfort of his own garbage pit, so peter parker is spiderman, which explains a lot actually, but the question is does wade throw spiderman under the bus because it’s his job for the avengers and all that is good in the world, or does he keep quiet because spiderman might be robbing shield and spiderman is his friend

wade doesn’t even consider that peter might know it’s him, he’s just too caught up in everything else, he also doesn’t have time to freak out over how he’s maybe sort of possibly dating The Spiderman


	243. Chapter 243

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade is peter’s go to when he’s breaking people out of jail which happens depressingly often, look i know it’s generally frowned upon in the hero community wade but this is an emergency, which is almost word for word what he says every time, it’s always an emergency

wade always gets unnecessarily psyched for these adventures because jailbreaks are fucking fun, plus ever since he stopped killing his enemies and threw them in jail instead, there’s always plenty of assholes he likes to personally visit just so he can mock them


	244. Chapter 244

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, drugs

**peter parker, doing drugs:** sorry mj i can’t, i’m doing the weed right now


	245. Chapter 245

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, ironman

ever since he got super strength it’s always been peter’s dream to carry tony stark out of danger damsel in distress style, as it turns out it’s really fucking hard since tony would rather die than be taken out of a fight


	246. Chapter 246

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade thinks daily bugle photographer peter parker is his rival in love, spiderman is always casually dropping his name and he doesn’t even care that the guy makes money off of dragging spiderman’s name through the dirt, in fact he encourages it, just to help out this one nobody

wade hates peter with a passion, if it weren’t for peter there wouldn’t be anybody standing in between him and spidey, it always makes his stomach flip flop uncomfortably whenever he hears peter parker casually mentioning some time he hung out with spiderman, talked to spiderman, got rescued by spiderman, helped out spiderman

it’s always peter fucking parker

but he’s been playing nice, he’s really been trying, hasn’t pulled a gun on the guy or tried to scare him off, he’s being nice, and he isn’t going to let peter goddamn parker look better than him, he’s going to win over spidey fair and square


	247. Chapter 247

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter owns a t-shirt, it is quite possibly the worlds most comfortable t-shirt, it’s blue and it has cap’s logo on it and he’d rather die than part with it

when peter moves in with wade, wade steals it, peter seriously threatens to break up with him if he doesn’t get his goddamn shirt back in one piece


	248. Chapter 248

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter isn’t embarrassed to be seen with wade in public, he’s embarrassed to be seen with the guy that parkours up the shelving in home depo to get some light bulbs, they’ve already got a lifetime ban from lowes for fucksake


	249. Chapter 249

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter only realizes that clint barton is hearing impaired when he sees clint and natasha rapid fire signing in the middle of battle after everybody’s hearing is shot by a bomb, so peter realizes he doesn’t actually know any asl and decides to learn, he posts an ad looking for someone to tutor him, wade wilson shows up and peter doesn’t connect the dots at first because he just hadn’t seen deadpool’s face before, it hits him in the middle of their tutoring session when wade makes a casual reference to his job

peter files that away to deal with later and finishes the lesson, against his better judgement he keeps going, because wade is actually a really good teacher and maybe peter doesn’t want to stop the lessons because at some point along the way he started looking forward to the days they met up, he likes talking to wade

peter starts hardcore flirting after getting over his initial shock at himself, he asks wade how to sign i love you, and peter signs back i love you too

wade brushes it off because they’re just practicing, and peter didn’t actually mean that, and this is the one thing that wade does that he doesn’t feel ashamed of and he doesn’t want to ruin that, specifically because he likes peter, he doesn’t want to ruin what they have

peter gets more and more desperate as wade doesn’t seem to be getting the message, he starts purposefully making mistakes when he’s signing so that normally innocent phrases become blatant innuendos, it’s fun watching wade squirm, but if he doesn’t catch on soon peter may just jump him


	250. Chapter 250

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, magic au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey! I do this thing for my characters where I design cloaks for them as if they were wizards with magically charmed cloaks that fit their personality. One of my characters has a cloak that has a design that corresponds to the sky, another has one that is able to make them float easily. Depending on what personality they have. Weapons they'd store in it, and what defensive or healing charms they'd have.) I'd like to know what you think Spideypool's would look like if they had these cloaks? -S"

heyo, so this is actually really rad and i got all excited and had to sit down for a good think

alright, so wade first, wade would have one of those floor sweeping dramatic ass cloaks with a huge hood he can use to magically hide his face in shadows, it would be like void black on the outside and blood red inside because that would look cool, and even though the damn thing gets so beat up and torn and burned, it just never falls apart or gets stained, it’s super strong and as long as wade is wearing it nothing can penetrate it, magical or otherwise, like magical kevlar, it’s also impossible to lose, no matter where wade puts it down, the cloak will always find a way back to him, it also holds like a magical pocket dimension where wade can store all his things, he got tired of all the duffel bags and numerous pockets and the goddamn weight, plus it’s super fun to pull a quick spell out of his cloak and throw it at people, that kind of advantage always wins in a quick draw

peter has more of a flair for the spectacular than the dramatic, so I’m going with costume appropriate color scheme again, he’s got a cloak that stops just before his ankles in a bright blue with red trim around the whole thing, it’s covered in little silvery hand stitched webs that sparkle even when there’s no light, the clasp is a small silver spider with a blood red jewel in its back, anyone who tries to wear the cloak without first asking the little spider that haunts it will die a slow agonizing death, a poison will rub off of the inside of the cloak and cause the offending wearer to melt, screaming all the way, and the thing is once you put it on you can’t take it off until you die, so peter’s kind of cursed with this thing forever, the cloak grants peter the power to use the silvery threads that run across the cloak like real webs, thin, invisible, and strong, he can control them to an extent, like he can aim, shoot and retract them, peter uses these webs to get around quickly and dodge easily in a fight, the cloak itself has a life of its own and will actively try to keep its wearer alive, so peter can spend more energy fighting while his cloak keeps him safe, the cloak’s bloodlust is only a mild concern at this point


	251. Chapter 251

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, pokemon au

pokemon au time! peter parker did not inherit his position as the bug type gym leader from his uncle, he earned it, when a terrorist organization threatened the town, peter’s uncle ben tried to fight them off and got mortally wounded, peter took up the mantle as the iconic masked gym leader and drove the bad guys out of town, he’s been gym leader ever since, its not a job he takes lightly

his gym is a bouncy labyrinth of tangled web and poor lighting, when wild bug pokemon get in peter leaves them alone, the sheer number of spider like pokemon that live there keep the walls constantly changing and moving, he has to do sweeps occasionally just to make sure nobody got stuck in a web while trying to find the exit, on the outside the gym motto is carved into the stonework, “with great power comes great responsibility”

peter’s first pokemon was a joltik his aunt and uncle gave him when he was five, they became fast friends and they’ve never parted since, his little joltik grew into a galvantula when peter became gym leader, it was the saddest and proudest day of peter’s life

peter caught his pinsir when it got into his aunt’s flowerbed and started rooting around, he and joltik were just going to beat it up at first, but aunt may suggested he capture it instead, pinsir is still a real troublemaker, but peter wouldn’t have him any other way

when peter’s childhood friend, gwen, moved out of town, they had decided to trade pokemon, peter’s pinsir for gwen’s nincada, to their surprise nincada evolved after trading and suddenly they had an extra pokemon on hand, gwen gave back peter’s pinsir and took ninjask with her, peter kept shedinja, gwen thought it was perfect because this way they both had a pokemon to remember each other by

peter caught ribombee on his trip to alola with his aunt, he thought they were so cute he couldn’t resist, ribombee is a continual thorn in his side, she doesn’t listen to anything he says and would much rather play than fight, he lets her do her own thing most of the time, she likes helping out aunt may in her garden, and she’s a sucker for sweets

larvesta wasn’t on the top of peter’s list but mj told him she wanted one and was having trouble catching it, so peter caught one for her, except when he tried to hand off the pokemon it ran away and found peter again, they both agreed that it would be cruel to keep the pokemon away from peter so he adopted it, he’s currently working on evolving it into a volcarona

peter’s last pokemon isn’t a bug pokemon, and he certainly hadn’t been trying to catch it, they just kind of fell together, peter made friends with the legendary pokemon xerneas when he got lost in the woods nearby looking for a missing child, as gym leader he’s always at the head of community driven things like volunteer search parties, the pokemon had found the child and protected it from the storm, peter found the two in an old forgotten part of the forest he’d stumbled into, peter doesn’t tell anyone about xerneas


	252. Chapter 252

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, twins au

peter has a twin sister that shares his powers, they decide to both be spiderman, this way they can work around being in two places at once, it works out pretty well, they have a shared journal that they use to keep up with all their heroing adventures, so they both know what spiderman did lately

it’s actually peter’s sister that meets wade first, she takes an instant dislike to him and makes her opinion known, peter on the other hand has to hold in his laughter when he meets wade, he’s supposed to be mildly annoyed by wade because that’s what his sister does, he’s failing spectacularly

it’s a whole mess when peter realizes he likes wade, he tells his sister and she nearly disowns him because seriously you coulda had tony stark or steve rogers or sam wilson, but instead your gay ass goes after the fucking merc

she doesn’t give in easy, wade gets very confused, sometimes spiderman is slamming him to walls on fake accident and bitterly sarcastic towards him, and other times he’s genuinely kind and they fight well together and when they eat together he can get a blush going down to the guy’s chin

he’s fucking confused

peter and his sister have a huge fight when he says he wants to tell wade about his secret identity


	253. Chapter 253

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, pokemon au

wade is a retired elite four member, he still specializes in fairy type pokemon, which is why he’s made it his life’s mission to meet the most powerful fairy type pokemon to exist, xerneas

back in his time as an elite four member, wade was known only by his masked persona, no one knows what he actually looks like

wade’s first pokemon was an eevee, he got eevee from the pokemon professor that had lived in his childhood town, his own preference for fairy type moves soon had eevee evolving into sylveon

his second pokemon was a mime jr, the same one that got caught in the fire that almost killed wade and left him with horrific burn scars across his body, the mime jr had safeguarded wade from the worst of the fire and kept him alive long enough for help to arrive, mime jr hasn’t left wade’s side since, it soon evolved into mr mime, the pokemon retained it’s own burn scars after evolution and has come to haunt the dreams of children ever since, it looks creepy as fuck

mimikyu was the one who really adopted wade, when wade visited a local pound to pick up his mime jr who had run away to cause mischief and got caught by the local pokemon control, he saw a little mimikyu cowering in the corner of it’s pen, wade noticed that it was trying to hide a tear in it’s costume, so he gave it one of his spare masks to wear while it got a new costume, he smiled at mimikyu when he gave it a mask and said “now you look like me”, mimikyu grabbed onto wade and wouldn’t let go, he had no choice but to adopt the pokemon on his way out, mimikyu refuses to wear anything but wade’s masks ever since

wade is always very out and proud about having a diancie, he actually stole diancie during his time as an elite four member, the pokemon museum of natural history had been displaying the sleeping pokemon after it had been discovered in the far north, wade waltzed right in and woke the pokemon up, challenged it to battle, and won the battle and diancie’s trust, the pokemon historical society hates him and the museum has him on a lifetime ban, but nobody challenged him because who the fuck is going to go up against an elite four member, he’s working on hunting down a mega stone for the pokemon

keldeo is a special case, it’s the only pokemon in wade’s team that isn’t fairy type, he actually woke the poor thing up when he was poking around kalos ruins, looking for information on xerneas, it got understandably mad and challenged wade who beat keldeo soundly, since then it started following wade around and challenging him again and again, eventually they came to an agreement and keldeo joined wade in order to become stronger

togepi is the newest addition to the team, wade found an egg abandoned at the daycare center when he came to pick up sylveon and adopted it because he wasn’t sure who else would, somewhere along the way togepi hatched, wade doesn’t care that togepi is becoming a spoiled brat because of how much he coddles it, togepi has a lot of potential and could become very strong if wade actually made it train, he’s setting them both up for failure


	254. Chapter 254

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, pokemon au

wade rolls into town and decides to check out the local gym, he heard that the bug type gym leader had died and his nephew had taken over, kid had a lot to live up to, his uncle had been a real protector for the town

so he gets through the maze of webs with a lot of difficulty, he had to resist the urge to burn down the whole place instead of finding the exit, he beat peter soundly, as expected, he was a little surprised that peter surrendered after only fighting with five pokemon instead of six, he was a little put out that the guy didn’t consider him sixth pokemon worthy

peter tries to give wade a badge but wade gives it back and shows him the badge he got years ago from peter’s uncle, peter decides to take a break and show wade around town

wade hadn’t planned on sightseeing, he was really only here to check out a few tablets and move on, but he found himself enchanted with the little town, the whole place was made up of flowers, even the air smelled like honey and after a while it stopped feeling nauseating, but if we’re being honest, he stayed for the gym leader

the guy was really nice, and he just seemed so earnestly happy to hang out with wade that wade found it hard to deny him anything, wade found himself spilling his guts over dinner, he told peter all about his adventures, how he stole diancie, the time he fought rayquaza and lived, gossip about the elite four, and anything that came to mind

peter took off his mask when the food came, wade’s brain checked out because peter was the hottest piece of ass he’d ever seen, peter told wade that he could take his mask off if he wanted, wade just laughed it off and said he had an air of mystery to keep

wade did get to see the tablets, but they didn’t have anything new, he really should have been heading out by now, but there was just something about this place, *cough cough, peter, cough*


	255. Chapter 255

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade custom orders his suits, he doesn’t actually know how to sew well, so when his crotch gets ripped out peter-i-make-my-own-suit offers to stitch it back up before they go

“are you trying to get me out of my pants” *eyebrow waggle*

no I’m just uncomfortable with your dick swinging around, thought you might be too, wade forgot he went commando today


	256. Chapter 256

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, twins au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "In the twin au does wade find out about the two of them?!?! I love this au!! It's soo good! But then again, all of your au's are good!"

awwwwwww! compliments will get you everywhere ; )

yeah, peter wears his sister down eventually, she still thinks this is a very fucking bad idea, but once peter sets his mind on something, she knows he’s even more stubborn than she can be, so she caves

but first she has a little sit down with wade, where she explains not a lot, but enough, it goes a little something like, webbing wade to a wall and telling him that she’s going to trust him against her will and tell him that spiderman is two people, she makes it very goddamn clear exactly what she thinks of wade, it’s not all that nice really, but then she tells him that the other spiderman is a fucking idiot and he trusts wade, so wade isn’t going to take advantage of him

and the very _goddamn fucking second_ , that wade did anything to endanger or hurt him, she promised she was going to hunt wade down, cut off his family jewels, and shove them so far down his throat that he chokes to death on them, and then she’ll drag his ass out of hell and do it again

wade says spidey makes himself very loud and clear

peter confronts wade and takes off his mask, he lays it all bare and pours out his heart and wade is left, for once in his life, speechless, he was expecting a hesitant olive branch at most, not to have a hot piece of ass throw himself at wade, that was… new

so wade and peter start dating, wade meets the family, he’s a little surprised that other spidey is a girl and peter’s sister, they hadn’t really told him much, she spends the whole night glaring at him and “accidentally” letting doors slam into wade’s face

eventually they work out a truce, sometimes wade and evil spidey, as he calls her behind her back, even go set up targets around rooftops and silently empty clip after clip into them, they don’t tell peter, peter isn’t so great about guns, she still hates his sorry ass and would gladly throw him off a roof with no hesitation

but peter wears her down, as always, and hey maybe wade’s kinda growing on her, and eventually she says ok maybe this isn’t that bad

and then peter comes home one day with a big ass diamond on his finger and she _sees red_


	257. Chapter 257

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Submission, "Oh yes, because this was such a great idea.
> 
> In which Peter finds out that yes, he absolutely can drunkenly confess his love to Wade at 3 am in front of the Avengers he was supposed to be impressing."

*evil laughter* yesssssssssssss! i have feelings now

peter was working on brewing his own brand of super alcohol after reverse engineering the stuff thor had given him a while back, except peter is the absentminded idiot that leans over his test tubes when he’s not paying attention, so almost an hour of inhaled fumes later, he’s got his suit on and is heading over to avengers tower because he’s pretty sure that he saw wade there earlier and maybe if he hurries he can still catch him

a very very small part of his brain is still requesting he slam on the breaks now, but the rest of his brain is very insistent that he go find wade, the guy had been on his mind for months now, and he finally felt like he was ready to do something about it, right now, he had no idea why, he just felt strangely unrestrained

he skips the front door and climbs in a window jarvis kindly opens for him, he sort of flops in actually, he’s having a bit of a problem with the being upside down thing right now, he should probably be worried about that later

some of the avengers come out to see him, bruce yells down the hall asking if he needs to send for a gurney, natasha has to bite her lip when peter hauls himself up and very obviously drunkenly tells her that he’s sad they never have spider team ups

tony comes round to investigate just as peter catches sight of him, he waves enthusiastically at tony and cups his hands to shout, “dude i fucking love you”, he stage whispers to natasha something about tony being his hero, clint is attracted by the sound of laughter and soon the avengers have a crying spiderman swaddled in blankets on their couch, he keeps going on and on about how much he loves wade and how fucking stupid jj’s articles are, and how much he wants to bend wade over the table and fuck his brains out, and how bullshit enhanced senses are, and how kissable wade’s stupid lips are

bruce and tony tap out when peter starts sobbing about wade’s ass, steve does them all a favor and fixes peter something to eat in the hopes that he’ll sober up sooner

wade gets four different avengers all texting him at 3am, and wade is not a happy camper, but he runs down to the tower anyways and pulls his mask up just enough to yell, “what the fu-”

he’s cut off by a still very drunk spiderman launching himself into wade and kissing the ever loving daylights out of him, this is new

peter wakes up the next morning, confused, disoriented, and with a massive fucking headache in a tower guest room, all at once every bad decision he made last night crashes over him like a fucking tsunami

he eyes the hand drawn note next to the bed with a little deadpool holding a swooning spiderman and groans some more, he doesn’t want to remember any of it, but he unfolds the note anyways, it’s from wade and it says, “if you’re still up for 1/30 of what you were asking for last night, call me!“

and peter laughs hard enough that it hurts, and maybe if the avengers don’t try to run him out of town for being a fucking idiot, maybe this won’t be such a bad thing after all


	258. Chapter 258

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Handcuffs. What would happen if they were handcuffed together? Any reason (Such as one of them just... doing it, or an accident, or anyhow) How would they react if they were just casually handcuffed together- and the handcuffs were magic (or otherwise) and it would not unlock and they had no idea how to unlock the damn thing? And probably before the relationship begins- with a healthy dose of pining perhaps? -S"

lets call this a magic trick gone wrong, except deadpool thought it would be more exciting if he used the handcuffs he stole from tony stark, the ones that were made for demigods and super soldiers, the ones that definitely need at the very least a pass code and rental scan to unlock, which sucks because the only guy that can open it is currently in hong kong on business for the next week

peter is not fucking happy, he wasn’t fucking happy when wade locked them both in handcuffs without warning, he wasn’t happy when he had to swing both their asses over to the tower, he wasn’t happy when the kitchens ran out of doritos, and he wasn’t happy when stark’s answer was basically if you need a break i’ve got sedatives in the med bay

peter didn’t take the sedatives, he knew how fast those damn things wore off

peter just was not looking forward to this, he didn’t even want to think about how rank his mask was going to be by the end of the week

wade had actually not planned for things to go this way, he legitimately thought that he had the key to these stupid handcuffs, and he was going to show of his magic machismo to spidey by pulling of this trick

now wade’s privacy was compromised in a way he was entirely uncomfortable with and he was three seconds away from suggesting they get a direct flight to wherever the hell stark is right now, but then peter took off his gloves and rolled his wrists, bumping his fingers against wade’s, and something deep in wade cracked a little, and that whole flight plan sailed out the window, maybe… maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all

it was pretty bad, wade was still contractually obligated to find his mark and beat the guy to a bloody pulp in front of his wife, very pissed off exes make for great employers, but he can’t fucking do that with mr. morality screaming in his ear, christ it was like peter was jiminy cricket’s hotter more annoying brother, there’s a bug pun in there somewhere

and peter can’t do his fucking patrols because fighting is basically impossible right now, but he also can’t go home or make calls or do literally anything that would give away his identity to the merc, needless to say he hasn’t been sleeping much

wade gets fed up with spidey furiously poking at his web shooter under the cuff, and says you know what let’s take a fucking break, and apparently wade’s idea of a break is dragging peter to the literal worst bars in the city to pretend they can both get shit faced

peter doesn’t want to admit it but this is probably the most fun he’s had since high school, and he has a chemistry degree now, peter realizes that wade is actually kind of fun to be around and he ends up laughing so hard he snorts his sex on the beach out his nose, it burns like sandpaper on a dick, but he’s still laughing because wade is laughing and wow peter really wishes he could blame the alcohol for how much he’s staring at wade’s smile

he kind of wants to roll wade’s mask up a little farther and-, noooooope, not going there today or any other day, especially not while they’re chained together for a week, other things to think about peter, come on

wade feels a little self conscious about what an absolute dump his place is but peter just drags them both to bed, tugs off his own pants and mourns his spidey costume as he rips off his sleeve to get the damn thing off, he rolls over to sleep and wade just tries not to stare because goddamn, totally worth it, wade doesn’t spend a lot of time sleeping either, but somehow they both wake up at the crack of dawn tangled together like octopi and neither of them wants to move first

it’s just so warm and comfortable, and if they’re both being honest, this is the most real human contact either of them has had in a depressingly long time


	259. Chapter 259

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, memory loss

peter suffers from short term memory loss, it’s probably from the sheer amount of head injuries he’s been through, he keeps saying it’s not that bad

wade picked up on it when they had the same conversation three times in a row, the second time he wasn’t sure if he was just remembering things wrong or maybe he was hallucinating the conversation over again, he realized it was peter somewhere during the third time

peter is constantly checking his schedule to make sure he doesn’t forget anything, especially important reminders he usually scribbles on his arm so that he’ll see it more

there are some things that peter doesn’t have problems with, he’s still a math wiz and has no trouble working through equations for hours, but other times he’ll take two steps outside and forget what day it is and why he left the house

as spiderman it was really cutting into his free time, he had to spend too much time chasing down criminals whose faces and names he didn’t remember, he got sick and tired of it and made his suit a new program that takes snapshots of faces and keeps them on screen for peter while he hunts his targets down

he hates briefings since he has to read over the material several times before he’s got it down, he’s worked out a system where he just submits his body cam footage instead of standing around and trying to recount what all happened

sometimes peter’s friends doodle on his arms in between all his notes and reminders, peter always gets that warm fuzzy feeling inside when he looks at the little hearts and dicks on his arms, he also gets mad because he fucking forgot about the dicks and he still needs to scrub those off


	260. Chapter 260

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, fluff, angst

wade and peter as an old married couple that still argue fondly over every little thing and end staring matches in fits of giggles because they can’t stay mad at each other, when peter ages past wade’s frozen age wade starts calling peter “old man” just to get on his nerves, it works

peter and wade who throw huge surprise anniversary parties for each other, except the parties are both at the same time and on opposite sides of the city, “this is why we need to communicate, wade”, they “borrow” a pair of jet packs and manage to eat half the food at both parties

wade is always telling peter to retire, and peter always says he’ll stop being spiderman when he’s dead, eventually wade wears peter down after a few close calls, peter finally retires the mask and takes up a position as a trainer in the avengers youth program, he’s a crotchety old fuck but he’s also the fun teacher

wade watches out for peter’s proteges when they go on missions, he also brings peter his lunch when he forgets it at home, they’re disgustingly sappy

wade had peter’s wheelchair modified to have a small foot space in back so wade can hop on peter’s wheelchair and send them both hurtling downhill, he also sprang for breaks after peter bailed them out of the first crash

peter takes up crochet when he becomes bedridden, he makes a million blankets, wade sleeps under the whole pile every night, suffocating heat be damned

wade holding peter’s hand on his deathbed and telling peter how much he loves him, the last words peter whispers to him are “i love you too”, and peter sighs quietly and passes away with a smile on his face and his hands clasped in wade’s with his friends and family nearby

wade buries the suit with peter, even until the end peter had decided to keep spiderman’s identity a secret from the public, someone else had already taken up the mantle anyways, peter had known his time had passed

long after the words had been worn away from peter’s tombstone, there is a legend that persists, every year around the same time a bouquet of red roses and pink carnations appears at a forgotten grave, sometimes people see a tall dark figure leaving the cemetery late at night, no one stops him, no one talks to him, and he disappears into the night


	261. Chapter 261

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

spiderman making up ridiculous origin stories to distract his villains when he’s captured

him taunting doc oc with the information he so desperately craves, so that octavius goes along with it every damn time even if peter is straight up lying, peter is actually very good at lying, like it’s compulsive at this point and sometimes peter blurts out things that are just not true for no real reason

like that one time he was over at gwen’s place and he said he had a friend in fourth grade that moved out to kentucky and died in a car crash, there was no reason to tell her that, it was a complete lie, seriously brain wtf

wade and peter trade fake origin stories all the time, sometimes they get ideas from each other and blatantly rip off the other’s tall tale, it’s like a competition, they try to spin the most believable tale and see who goes without laughing first, peter’s actually told wade his origin story, it was just so stupid that wade didn’t believe him


	262. Chapter 262

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Idk if you’re taking prompts but if you are can you write about how Wade doesn’t share food with anyone and EVERYONE knows this (probably bc the last time someone tried to eat his food he literally had a gun or katana pressed against them b4 they could bite) yet one day at an avengers meeting that he’s actually been invited to (and brought his own food to) spiderman steals a HUGE bite from him and wade doesn’t bat an eyelash and everyone is just aSTOUNded?"

alright so i fucking love this already

wade wilson has trust issues that run deeper than the marianas trench, he never lives in one place for more than a month, never has one phone for more than a week, and in his line of work it’s kept him safe

wade is also very wary of accepting food and drink he hasn’t seen being made from start to finish, the avengers can understand this, clint and natasha have to stare at the barista making their drink every time they go to starbucks, just can’t trust anyone when everyone wants to kill you

wade gets around this by bringing his own food and drink around, he’s got a beat up flask on his belt and it’s the only thing anyone has ever seen him drink from, on movie night he sometimes shows up with his own bag of popcorn, last year the avengers invited him over for hanukkah and he sat in the corner with a plastic grocery bag that had an entire cooked turkey in it, and he ate that and only that

but the paranoia goes beyond that too, he’s also very possessive of any food he has, one time tony asked him what kind of sandwiches he brought and wade shoved a gun in his face, lesson learned

so when everybody is sitting down for a kind of month in review thing shield has them do, spiderman takes one of the open seats next to wade, who has a couple of burritos wrapped up on his lap and the avengers all turn away because nobody got to warn spidey first and now they’re just waiting to hear the click of the safety being released

except it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen when peter casually remarks, wow that smells good, and it doesn’t happen when peter lifts up his mask, leans over and grabs a big bite just as wade is lifting it to his own mouth

nothing happens

everyone else in the room is left staring at the two of them as spiderman keeps chattering on around his mouthful and wade just keeps eating, clint mutters something about modern miracles and, cautiously, they all look back at the screen


	263. Chapter 263

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade loves messing with peter’s hair, it’s just so fluffy and poofy!, his favorite thing is to run his fingers through peter’s hair after he just got it cut, there was just something about it that felt so intimate and comfortable

wade always washes peter’s hair in the shower, he takes every excuse he can get to touch peter’s hair, peter doesn’t mind, in fact he kind of loves it, there’s something special about letting wade run his fingers over peter’s scalp, it makes him feel utterly relaxed


	264. Chapter 264

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "and that's how he died roughly eighty eight times and we adopted a crocodile."

peter and wade are currently on the lookout for a child that escaped the xmen maximum security juvenile detention facility, which is never something you want to hear, and the only vague instructions they got was that the kid was a shapeshifter, so no name, no hair color, no eye color, no height, no nothing, hell they didn’t even know if the kid was going to look human when they found them

but lucky for them the kid’s powers were pretty new so they ended up getting a couple things wrong, like the businessman with the chicken’s foot at mcdonalds, which they chased off a roof by accident before the kid turned into a bird and got away while spidey had to stick around and wait for wade to untangle himself from the pavement

and after that it was the clown with a little too much creepy at the minigolf place on the pier, where wade had drowned wrestling with the kid, who then turned into a squid and fucked off

there was the candy store where the kid with six arms stole as much as they could carry and accidentally stabbed wade in the juggular with a spit sharpened candy cane

then it was the arcade with the pink fox, where wade got crushed by an old wack a mole game, but while peter was waiting out back with wade’s crushed corpse, he had an idea, they were hunting down a kid right, which is why they kept finding them in places that a kid would like, mcdonalds, minigolf, candy store, arcade, so all they had to do was find the nearest kid friendly place and pick up whatever weird thing was hanging around there

it was the best idea they’d had all day, so that’s what they did, went to the nearest toy store and found the customers all backed up against the wall as a six foot crocodile hissed at them with it’s face buried in cotton candy

wade got his neck snapped twice just trying to wrestle the kid’s tail while peter tied their mouth shut and they carried them out

as it turns out it is way harder to carry a thrashing croc around nyc than you would think, but they eventually wrestled the kid into a specialized collar and ended up hanging out in a mall fountain while waiting for pickup, where wade slipped on some water and cracked his head open on the stone floors, it just really wasn’t wade’s day today

peter started to feel bad about the whole thing while they were sitting there, waiting, the kid had probably been locked up their whole life and after this stint they’d be going right back in a cage, so peter decided to make today the best day this kid has ever had

so he ropes wade into helping him out and together they carry the crocodile sized kid around the mall, they get a captain america bear at build a bear, and feed the kid an entire thing of lamb off the spit at the gyro place, and shove themselves together in a photo booth where wade almost asphyxiated, and get plastic bead bracelets to put on the kid’s stubby little croc arms, and finish up by buying face paint off the terrified face paint booth guy so they can doodle little flowers and race cars all over the kid’s snout

they go back to the fountain and peter calls the xmen again to see whats taking so long with the pickup, except when beast answers its to tell them they can stop looking, the kid came back on their own an hour ago


	265. Chapter 265

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, sensory overload

peter has a hard time dealing with enhanced senses sometimes, it’ll get really bad when there’s construction nearby and peter can’t sleep because he can hear every damn hammer and every damn car and every damn person breathing for blocks

he got an old heavy ass military grade phone booth off craigslist once, he fucking loves the dumb thing, the phone is completely useless but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that the booth is completely soundproof, the only thing he can hear in there is the sound of his own heart beating

he’s got a bunch of pillows and blankets shoved inside it and when his hypersensitive hearing gets bad he just holes up in the phone booth and takes a nap leaning against the walls

it’s totally a weird thing to have squirreled away in your bedroom but fuck it, whatever works


	266. Chapter 266

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, murder, gore, character death, royalty au, immortals au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you do something for a royalty alternate universe? -S"

wade is the ruthless conqueror who’s empire spans continents, he’s impossible to kill, he’s so skilled that he’s claimed he’ll turn over his throne to anyone that can best him in a fight, so far he’s gone unmatched

peter is a disgraced king, cast out from his kingdom as wade, the king of death, tore through peter’s villages and towns and farmlands, salting and burning the earth behind him, peter manages to escape with barely his life, he sees the slaughter and destruction wade has left behind and vows vengeance

it’s years before peter thinks he’s ready, years of training, of grueling discipline and excruciating sacrifice, he may have sold his soul along the way, but none of that matters, the only thing driving peter now is the look he imagines on wade’s face when peter carves out his still beating heart and devours it in front of him

and that’s exactly what he does, he infiltrates the castle and challenges wade when he’s alone, wade laughs when peter allows wade to pick up a weapon and face him on even ground, that laugh doesn’t die as peter pins wade to the stone wall with an axe and pries open wade’s chest, wade is still grinning as peter devours his heart and takes the crown off of wade’s head

with dawning horror peter has to watch as the dead man’s chest closes up and the light flickers back to life in wade’s eyes, because now peter has wade’s powers of immortality, wade tells him that they’re bound together for all of eternity, he starts the “join me” villain speech, but peter just shoves him out a window and takes over the castle, he’s king now anyways

wade is a constant thorn in his side, they fight at least once a week, sometimes peter dies and sometimes wade dies, but peter doesn’t let that stop him, he picks up the slack that wade’s been trailing ever since he started this conquering business, peter is appalled at the general quality of life and sets about writing new laws and creating reform and making sure that his image gets re branded as the benevolent usurper

soon enough peter becomes the backbone of the kingdom, since he’s the only one that seems to know how to run the fucking thing in the first place, wade is reluctantly impressed, he soon realizes that even if he manages to get rid of peter once and for all, the kingdom would never accept it, wade is kind of amazed, he’s been bested after all

the fighting is a formality now, more of a sparing match than any intent to harm, they get along surprisingly well and wade lends himself to foreign disputes, turns out people outside the kingdom still tremble in the face of the former king of death, wade is bewitched by peter, he’s more cunning than anyone he’s ever met and despite everything he’s put the guy through, peter is relentlessly kind and optimistic

it’s peter who proposes, he throws that same “join me” speech at wade that wade had used when they met, they both end up laughing as wade says yes, two kings, with fates forever intertwined, the stuff of legend, pledge their eternal allegiance to each other on the kingdom’s most celebrated day, the royal wedding


	267. Chapter 267

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

all’s fair in love, war, and mario kart

peter and wade are both petty fucks when it comes to winning, they can and will use every cheap trick in the book to win, wade once shot a hole in peter’s roof just so he could startle peter into fucking up on rainbow road, peter has webbed wade’s eyes many many times, sometimes they see who can hold out the longest while the other begs for sex, peter usually wins but wade is learning fast

they’ve broken many a game console and had twice as many snapped remotes, super strength and short tempers do not mix well


	268. Chapter 268

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, dadpool

peter and wade beat electro to a pulp on an impromptu team up, peter is running late for dinner with his aunt and asks if wade can clean up for him, wade agrees and peter runs to the nearest alley to change and hopefully catch the bus in time

he’s already got his jeans back on when he notices the little girl staring at him with wide eyes, peter’s life flashes before his eyes as the girl starts to open her mouth, he quickly clamps a hand over her mouth and begs her to keep quiet about him being spiderman, she agrees, but only if peter gives her his number in case she’s in danger

peter is just relived that he got off so easy, he knows she’s going to abuse this power, but hey what kid wouldn’t

what peter doesn’t know is that he just gave his number to ellie, wade’s daughter, who was hiding out while her dad kicked ass real quick, and ellie had plans

she was sick and tired of her dad brushing her off whenever she asked about his missions, the only thing he would ever tell her about was spiderman, ellie and wade both have matching spiderman posters at home, and from what she could tell, spiderman and her dad were friends, so she was betting she could probably pry what she wanted out of spiderman


	269. Chapter 269

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "Peter goes bat-shit when someone Genuinely Hurts Wade or insults him to a deree that Peter cannot tolerate. Like theres always AUs where Peter dies and Wade swears vengeance and is like, There Are Things Worse Than Death And The Fucker That Killed Peter Is Going To Feel Them btu I need Wade genuinely being traumatized by something or meeting someone from his past that has Genuinely Emotionaly Hurt Him and Peter seeing RED and having to be held back by the Avegers or X-Men or Wade himself."

peter and wade meet up with the xmen and wade goes around introducing peter to everybody, and peter starts feeling like something is… off

it starts small, the harsh remarks, the usual banter turned sour, it makes peter feel genuinely uncomfortable when wade just laughs it off, like it’s nothing new, because peter knows they’re hitting every nerve and it hurts him

but it’s when wolverine grabs wade by the front of his costume and threatens to stick his claws in wade’s head just because he keeps talking that peter steps in, he pulls wade away and asks him to go grab something out of the jet that he knows isn’t actually in there

and he waits until wade is out of earshot before he grabs logan by the neck, shoves him against the wall hard enough to make it crack, and cooly tells the room that the next person to give wade shit gets their trachea crushed nice and slow

when wade comes back in he’s a little confused as to why the room is so quiet, but he just shrugs it off and tells peter he couldn’t find whatever he was looking for


	270. Chapter 270

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could you do something where Wade just goes crazy for the holidays? just like one day peter walks into their apartment and BOOM gigantic decked out Christmas tree with blinding lights.. or for halloween peter walking into a damn haunted house"

so it’s literally the first day of october and peter has had a long hard day at school then work then heroing, and he’s ready to just go home and pass out on the couch, like the bedroom is too far today, the couch will do

and he’s pretty out of it, so he doesn’t see the flashing lights out front, he goes around back and slips in the window so he can flop right into bed instead of going the long way, and its like falling down the rabbit hole because one second everything was right side up and now…, well now peter is staring a giant blood spattered clown face in the eye and it takes him an embarrassingly long time to punch the thing in it’s giant red nose

and he has to take it all in, the walls are absolutely covered in stickable bats and spiders and there's just piles upon piles of orange and black tinsel and purple strings of lights and the closet is overflowing with hand carved jack o lanterns and the whole place smells like pumpkin guts

and peter is kinda thinking that this is some new supervillain intimidation tactic, and it’s working

he sneaks out of the bedroom and the hallway is covered in strobe lights and little hidden speakers that scream when you walk by them and so. much. goddamn. web., he has to duck under it all just to make it to the living room where he can hear “this is halloween” blaring loud enough to break his poor speakers

and he finds wade all covered in loose fake webbing and pumpkin innards, carving mini pumpkins  
and singing along to the nightmare before christmas

and peter can’t decide if he’s relieved or angry so he storms over and shuts off the stereo and just looses the ability to think of anything to say except “WHAT THE SHIT, WADE”

and wade is just sitting there with his damn lap full of tiny angry pumpkins and he just smiles and says happy halloween, and peter can’t decide if he wants to kiss him or punch him in the face


	271. Chapter 271

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, ""I didn't want to give my hand in marriage to a demon, I just accidentally summoned one, and I couldn't pass up such a great deal!" -S"

so peter “i'm broke as shit” parker was just minding his own business, making some 3am grilled cheese and pretending that everything was ok, when his whole stove just went up in a massive blaze, and he jumps back and has that moment of i'm not even surprised what did i expect

and out of the fire that luckily isn’t burning anything important except maybe the ceiling, steps a guy in leather shorts and claws and giant twisting black horns and fangs that stretch over his lips and glowing yellow eyes and twisted red skin, and at this point peter is ready to be eviscerated, he’s made his peace, he’s ready

except the dude doesn’t kill him, he just asks peter what he wants, and peter is like what, and the dude is like, this is generally a transaction type thing, you summon me, i grant wish, you fuck up with, and i rend your soul from your body and drag you down to hell

and peter is like what

and wade looks around at the dinky little kitchen and the lack of bird skulls and blood, and he picks up the sad little piece of burnt toast and cheese and flips it over, and it’s got his mark on it, so peter really is just some poor sap that stumbled into this whole thing and damn it he was really looking forward to some work for once

so wade is like well this is awkward, and peter is like what

wade decides that fuck it he has a quota to meet so he gives peter the run down and tells him look i’ll even cut you some slack and not make my price eternal damnation, it can just be like, idk a year of shit luck or something

and peter laughs because he’s already got a lifetime of shit luck and he tells wade he can kindly fuck off if that’s all he’s got, and wade is like well i can give you whatever you want, just name your price, and peter is still pretty adamant about not getting involved with the underworld, he’s got enough going on thank you

and then wade is like come on, you gotta want something, money? food? a private chef? giant house? job security? a dog?, and peter turns right around because wade had him at money, money is nice

so peter goes, ok what do i have to give you, and wade’s thinks about it for a minute because most humans are ready to throw their souls at demons and call it good, but this was a real opportunity to get something that he could shove in all the other demons’ faces, so he’s like howwww abouttttt you marry me

and peter just no hesitation whatever is like, done, where do i sign, do i have to gets rings

and wade is a little taken aback because that wasn’t something he expected to go over so easy, but he’ll take it so he writes up the contract and peter is a sly little shit because all the contract says is that wade will give peter whatever he wants in exchange for his hand in marriage, and wade knows he’s being a sly shit but he lets him get away with it in case the guy backs out

one excruciating bonding ceremony later peter has a cool new scar on his chest and a new demon husband, and as far as the deal goes, he uses it for the stupidest things, like if he doesn’t want to get up from the couch he’ll command wade to bring him the remote, and instead of asking for a shit load of money, he asks wade for a wallet that always has just the right amount of cash

like the biggest thing he wishes for is a small trampoline which he mounts on the wall and throws things at, and wade takes a vacation from hell to hang out with his new husband, which he totally rubs in everybody’s face, and they go on dates and hang out, and peter introduces him to everybody as his husband and everyone just gets over the initial shock and rolls with it, it’s all very domestic honestly, and it just works for the both of them


	272. Chapter 272

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Submission, "Peter “Haha bitch you THOUGHT I was innocent because of my baby face didn’t you?” Parker
> 
> Wade “I’ve been dating your son for three years, Stark, biggest FUCK YOU there is” Wilson
> 
> Natasha “I just chugged three things of vodka and still seem sober” Romanoff
> 
> Bruce “I’ve secretly been dating the supervillain Loki for, like, seven years how tf are you guys not noticing this?” Banner
> 
> Loki “Not only have I been dating this doctor for, like, seven years, but I’ve also gotten him drunk, in bed, and fianceed” Laufeyson
> 
> Clint “I thought my secret husband Phil was dead but no, turns out he’s alive and faked his death w/ Loki, oh yeah Phil’s my secret husband” Barton
> 
> Phil “I killed a man with a piece of paper in five seconds flat and have been married to Clint. How did you not all notice this?” Coulson
> 
> Nick “I give up on all of you please just kill me now why did I do this y'all motherfuckers are giving me an aneurysm I’m to old for this WHY?” Fury
> 
> Mari “I will actually inflict things worse than death upon you if you do not give me my fucking coffee this morning.” Hill
> 
> Tony “I would be terrible with children- PETER GET YOUR COAT ON, and would absolutely suck as a father- HEY, IT’S FINE DUM-E I DONT HATE YOU and would be just like my own, awful father- VISION YOUR OKAY YOUR NOT BAD SHHHH” Stark
> 
> Bucky “I don’t know what’s happening H E L P” Barnes
> 
> Steve “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn, ha, ha, you thought I would be special? NOPE BUT I GREW A BEARD” Rodgers
> 
> Thor “I’m pretty much an overgrown, badass puppy” Odinson
> 
> T'challa “I AM SO DONE WITH ALl OF YOU WtF” Son of T'chaka
> 
> Matt “I do not Associate with these people. Spider-Man? Who’s that? Don’t know ‘I’m” Murdock"

ok but yes i love angry dad tony stark being all you will not date my grown ass son under pain of death, even though peter is like in his late 20s, and wade just likes rubbing it in every damn chance he gets

and everybody else just kinda looks on in the background, like soft sigh, there they go again

and peter is always telling wade to stop antagonizing tony just for the hell of it, but he doesn’t listen, he and peter invite tony to give away peter at the wedding, and tony ofc can’t refuse, but he’s still swearing under his breath the whole time

and when they kiss under the canopy tony’s ai tells him that his blood pressure is high, as retaliation tony sends the happy couple a little helper robot that absolutely has it out for wade, wade keeps breaking the damn thing and peter keeps fixing it because “it was a gift wade”


	273. Chapter 273

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nightmare before christmas au

nightmare before christmas au where wade is the living patchwork doll that was created in christmas town, he was a failure of a toy and felt it every time he had to be seen by one of the elves, santa was determined that he had a place in this world, but wade’s faith in the jolly old fat fuck was quickly waning

peter is the poster boy of halloween town, the skeleton king of horrors and screams, he’s also got job burn out and is actively looking for a way out of being king, he’d rather have much less responsibility and much more time to sleep, i mean he’s already dead and he still can’t get a bad night’s sleep

wade is the one who finds the doors first, he’s hiding out in the woods so that he doesn’t have to deal with the others, and so he can sew his other arm back on, he really wants to blame the lazy elf that built him, but he always hurts himself so much that an arm falling off wasn’t unusual, it’s not like it actually hurt anyways

it’s the halloween door that draws him in with that creepy smile and muted colors, nothing like the others, he’s tumbling down into the darkness before he knows whats happening, and winds up in halloween town, just in time for the yearly pumpkin festival

wade is enchanted, like bursting out into song enchanted, everything is new and incredible and not one person batted an eye at his head falling off when someone bumped into him, in fact a large rat even offered to help him sew it back on

peter is distracted, so very very distracted, there’s someone new in town tonight and as king he’s very interested in someone slipping under his radar, especially when said person is the most amazing creature he’s ever seen, wade doesn’t act like anyone he’s ever met, it’s like everything is new in wade’s eyes and peter finds himself enchanted with his own town as wade helps him rediscover it


	274. Chapter 274

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter’s phone camera is full of the new york skyline, and pictures of him and wade, and shaky videos taken of wade and peter giggling as peter tells wade to flex for the camera, peter is a huge sap and he can’t even bring himself to delete the shaky pictures


	275. Chapter 275

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, dadpool

wade is an overprotective dad that goes with his daughter, ellie, to camp where peter is a camp counselor

peter is kind of done with this bullshit, like he’s not getting paid to babysit almost thirty kids and an overprotective asshole father, but his manager says leave it and so peter does, he watches wade set up a tent by the cabins and cook his own meals in a darn near perfect little fire pit, and when he sees ellie his whole face just lights up, it’s honestly the most heartwarming thing peter has ever seen and it makes him angry that asshole overprotective dad is making his heart skip a beat

peter eventually breaks down and invites wade to eat with him at the counselors’ table with the other adults, inside, he also invites wade into his cabin when it rains that night, he still makes wade sleep on the floor in his sleeping bag

asshole overprotective single dad, wade, is surprisingly knowledgeable at this camping shit, which is pretty cool because this is one of those camps where you make macaroni art, jump in the lake and learn to program lego robots, so yes they have electricity

peter gets wade to teach him some actual camping things like how to start a fire and how to bake a cake outdoors, pineapple upside down cake has never tasted so sweet, peter takes pity on wade and gives him the wifi password, wade was only disgusted that a camp could have wifi for ten minutes, then he got out his phone and got on the internet, peter just laughed

ellie wasn’t happy that mr. parker and her dad were getting chummy, she liked being the most important person in wade’s life, and she wasn’t losing that position to some dumb geek that her dad thought was cute, ellie decided to put operation make peter look bad in front of her dad into action, too bad it backfired spectacularly


	276. Chapter 276

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade used to be allergic to cashews, like really allergic, like swell up and die allergic, this was way before weapon x, but after he got all the powers and tried to get his shit together again, he still just avoided cashews because of that little voice in the back of his head that associated cashews with hellish suffering

so when peter tells wade that his powers got rid of his seasonal allergies, wade realizes he never tried cashews and just leaves to buy some cashews, but he can’t find any fucking nuts in this whole goddamn store, so he had to find another store and hunt down their nuts, and then they didn’t have just cashews, so he had to buy a package of mixed nuts, and the lines were all backed up to hell, so he hid behind a shelf, ripped open the bag and shoved a cashew in his mouth

which was when he realized that cashews taste fucking awful


	277. Chapter 277

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "oh my god.... more camp au please.... for my heart........ i need to know that the whole camp knows how disgustingly in love they are....... and they team up with ellie.... and it only makes them love each other more............"

wade and peter get real sappy real fast, they don’t seem to be aware of how hard they’re flirting, the kids keep following peter around singing “peter and mr. wilson sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g”, peter just laughs it off and wade suggests they go find a tree and waggles his eyebrows

ellie is fucking enraged, how dare this guy try to take her dad from her, she goes all out and bribes her fellow campers into helping her sabotage peter with the packets of fruit roll ups she stole from the kitchen

her first plan is more just to hurt peter, she sets up a rope outside the craft cabin and waits for peter to walk down the stairs so that the kids she paid off can push him, if all goes to plan he’ll smash his face on a nearby tree, she pulls the rope at just the right time and the other kids send peter soaring straight into her dad’s arms, they laugh and wade helps him pick up all the colorful macaroni pieces he dropped

the second plan is a little more well thought out, she tries to scare off peter, she tells him about her dad’s past, how he was retired special ops and he’d been arrested twice, she tells peter very seriously that her dad could kill him with his bare hands if he wanted to, but peter just thinks it’s cool and she sees them later, wade is showing off some knife tricks and peter still has that dumb look plastered all over his face

ellie’s last plan is a spur of the moment thing, she finds her dad and tells him that she wants to go home because peter hit her, wade doesn’t hesitate, he takes ellie home and ellie hears wade arguing on the phone with somebody later, he’s trying to get peter fired, if her dad had been anything like when she first met him, peter would have been dead by now

ellie starts to feel bad about lying when she wakes up late one night and finds him talking to a picture of her mom, he’s saying how he just wants to do right by ellie, and he’s sorry that he let anything get in the way of that, and ellie realizes that wade would sacrifice everything for her, even his happiness

so ellie steals her dad’s phone and calls peter, and she apologizes even though she doesn’t want to, and peter tells her that if she’s really sorry, she’ll tell her dad what she did, so ellie swallows her pride and tells wade, and he’s angry and he yells and storms out of the house, but when he comes back he says that she did the right thing by telling the truth, and then he goes to make a phone call

ellie still isn’t happy to see peter again, she knew this would happen if she told the truth, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, ellie made up her mind to give her dad to peter if that’s what would made him happy

peter sits down with ellie one day when wade asks peter to babysit for him while he takes an extra shift at the fire station, and he has to drag it out of her, but ellie tells him why she hates him so much, and peter reassures her that he’s not going to steal wade from her, because wade has a big heart which means he has more than enough love for the both of them

peter wears down ellie eventually, peter becomes her second favorite person, and she realizes that having peter around is great because peter will almost always take her side when she starts arguing with her dad, peter gets him to tone down the helicopter parenting and let ellie just have fun, but most of all ellie’s just happy that peter makes her dad smile more


	278. Chapter 278

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "Wade and Peter are out sneaking into Tony and Bruce's lab because Peter is poor and needs stuff for web fluids and Wade is just like oh, what goodies do they have? The Avengers wake up the next morning to one of them pretty much love potioned."

so wade finds spiderman breaking into the tower and he's all not that i'm judging but as the good guy isn’t this kinda out of your job description, and peter is just like fuck off already spidey needs to eat which means i gotta get web fluid somewhere else, shits not cheap

and wade is like shiiiit breaking and entering in the home of the league of justice, for my favorite spider, with my favorite spider, in the place i’d most like to hit up, sign me up

and so spiderman begrudgingly lets him come along and they get into tony and bruce’s lab, and peter tries not to think about the fact that tony was probably letting him get away with this since jarvis never set off any alarms

the lab is filled with all sorts of strange looking and sometimes glowing test tubes and beakers, and wade looks like willy wonka just invited him into a gingerbread castle, and peter said not to touch anything, but when has wade ever listened

wade is looking at a purple vial and peter tries to grab it back from him at the exact wrong moment because wade drops it and peter tries to catch it, and they both stare at the wet spot on wade’s costume where it broke

peter tries to keep a level head, it’s not burning his skin so at least it wasn’t acid, there’s always the possibility that it’ll kill him later, wade just keeps looking through the things piled on the desk

it hits peter pretty suddenly, one minute he’s freaking out and the next there’s a wave of calm that just crashes over him and suddenly his head is real fuzzy and he can’t quite care what it is he’s doing

tony and bruce stumble out of their bed at some ungodly hour because jarvis wakes them up to tell them there is a situation in the lab, they find peter weaving a giant web in the corner with wade cocooned tight in the center, peter just keeps hissing every time bruce or tony try to get near

turns out wade got doused with spider pheromones which triggered something in peter, it took tony blasting them with a fire hose wake peter back up


	279. Chapter 279

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, reincarnation au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is immortal. Peter is not. But they're always at each other's sides throughout the many years anyways because fate was nice and decided to let Peter be reincarnated whenever he died. They always find each other. It's been a hundreds of years since the last incarnation. -S"

time doesn’t have a lot of meaning for wade, he’s seen entire empires rise and fall, he’s been around long enough to watch landmasses move across maps, and sometimes he gets that fucking song from 3,000 years ago stuck in his head, but only one line and he can’t ever remember how it ends

wade can’t actually remember when it all started, when the first time he met peter was, that was lifetimes ago, but he’ll never forget peter, peter is the one constant and the one purpose in his life, no matter where wade goes and how long it takes, peter always comes back to him in one form or another

but wade is getting anxious, it’s been 100 years since peter last died, and wade has yet to find him again, wade has been trying to distract himself, he’s been interfering in the mortal world again, just to pass the time maybe, he’s been masquerading as an indestructible mercenary

it’s while wade is running around in his costumed persona that he meets the one and only spiderman, the guy is incredible, the way he and wade banter back and forth reminds wade of his peter, and he starts hating himself for seeking out the masked hero just to feel like he’s found peter again, it’s wrong, he’s spent countless centuries waiting for peter, he can’t just throw all that away now

peter keeps having nightmares and strange dreams, it’s just his luck that his brain keeps hyper focusing on deadpool, there’s just something about the guy, like as soon as they start talking they fall into a rhythm, like they’ve know each other forever, he’s been feeling strangely hollow lately and the only time the feeling goes away is when he finds wade, peter keeps telling himself that he’s not trying to run into the merc, they just happen to run into each other a lot

it’s a long time before peter remembers, but when he does he tackles wade and rips his own mask off, his eyes well up and wade rips off his mask too and suddenly they’re kissing like they’re making up for all the lost time, it’s really something special when two souls that are fated to meet finally, finally reunite


	280. Chapter 280

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "Wade starts wearing a mild pheromone as a cologne. Being wrapped up in web by possessive spider was hot, but maybe tone down the feral hissing (But also still hot)"

wade starts wearing a much smaller amount as cologne and eventually he and peter get together, and wade just feels super guilty because he thinks he’s been basically drugging peter this whole time, so he finally confesses everything to peter and peter is like, oh thank god i thought was going crazy because for the last few weeks you’ve just smelled so good, i legitimately wanted to eat you, i was like thiiiiis close to just taking a huge bite out of your face, wade never wears it again


	281. Chapter 281

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "Wade starts wearing a mild pheromone as a cologne. Being wrapped up in web by possessive spider was hot, but maybe tone down the feral hissing (But also still hot)"

wade starts wearing a much smaller amount as cologne and eventually he and peter get together, and wade just feels super guilty because he thinks he’s been basically drugging peter this whole time, so he finally confesses everything to peter and peter is like, oh thank god i thought was going crazy because for the last few weeks you’ve just smelled so good, i legitimately wanted to eat you, i was like thiiiiis close to just taking a huge bite out of your face, wade never wears it again


	282. Chapter 282

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What's the most disgustingly cute one you can write? -S"

the best day of peter’s life wasn’t winning some award or even saving the world, it started out like any other day, with sunlight slipping in between the blinds and over his face, peter woke up gradually with his arms wrapped around wade in their bed, wade just snuggled closer and told him that he loves the sound of peter’s heartbeat in the morning, slow and steady

they stayed in bed for way longer than they should, and when wade decided to get up he kissed peter goodbye, even though he was just going to the kitchen, it was lingering and sweet and peter couldn’t help but smile

the sweet smell of bacon and syrup soon got peter out of bed, he wrapped himself up in the comforter and drug it with him into the kitchen where wade was humming while he made breakfast in just his boxers

peter slid into a chair and watched wade dance around with the dopiest grin on his face, when wade was finished, he put a plate in front of peter and sat on top of the table right next to him, holding his own plate

peter snuggled further into the comforter and asked wade to feed him because he was too lazy to pick up his own fork, wade just laughed and told him to try a little harder, so peter unwrapped his arms and stuck them out in the cold morning air so he could eat, and everything tasted perfect, like home

peter pushed away his empty plate and laid down his head on the table, he poked wade’s ass and started saying wade’s name over and over, wade swatted his hand away and asked what, what, and peter said have i ever told you how much i love it when you cook, nobody makes breakfast like you do

and wade leaned down to capture peter’s lips in a syrupy sweet kiss, and told him you say that every time, and peter says but it’s true, and wade laughs and tells peter its because he’d do anything to see peter smile, and peter feels the corners of his mouth turn up and wade teases him because there’s that smile

and peter stretches his arms out and lets one hand rest on wade’s thigh, and he says “wade?”, and wade hums, and peter says i love you, and wade puts his free hand on top of peter’s and they intertwine their fingers and peter can feel wade rubbing his thumb over peter’s knuckles, and wade brings their hands up to his lips and softly kisses the back of peter’s hand

and he says to peter, “i love you more than life itself, baby boy”


	283. Chapter 283

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "prompt! spiderman as a spider pet of wade that lived for 100 ish years and can now turn into a human ?"

wade doesn’t do attachments, for obvious reasons, namely being immortal, which is why the only friend wade has right now is a pet spider he picked up from that time he broke into and destroyed a weird animal testing lab that was going for some sort of human animal hybrid monstrosity, he put most of those things out of their misery as soon as he could

he named the spider peter and got him a giant custom made cage, he only has to feed peter like once a month, and sometimes the cockroaches get into his cage in between then, so peter is pretty content with his life as a massive, hairy, red and blue spider, wade even trained him to climb up on his head, hes only bitten wade like twice, hurts like a bitch and rockets wade down to the underworld for a couple hours

wade still isn’t sure exactly what kind of spider peter is, or what happened to him at the lab, because he’s had the thing for going on almost a century now, and peter still acts as healthy and spry as ever

its actually wade’s fault for bringing home some weird glowing amulet, he left it on the counter and as soon as peter crawled over to it there was a small explosion and all the windows shattered again, and suddenly there was a nude man crawling on his ceiling with the amulet clenched between his teeth

wade probably woulda shot the guy first if he hadn’t just seen his little spider friend touch the amulet and transform, he had to chase peter around his apartment with a broom just trying to knock him off the ceiling, both of them were screaming the whole time

he finally wrestled peter down but try as he might, he couldn’t get peter to give up the amulet, he gave up and shoved peter into a pair of loose fitting sweatpants after peter kept trying to climb on top of wade, normally he wouldn’t be so opposed to having somebody shove their dick in his face, but he also wasn’t looking to be the guy that fucked a spider

he doesn’t really want to deal with any of this magic bullshit today, so he drags peter down to the tower and tells tony he’ll return the jet he stole if tony unfucks this situation, tony can’t find anything wrong with peter, says he looks like a totally normal human, minus the wall crawling and hissing

so wade gives up for today and teaches peter how to hold a fork, badly, and introduces him to mac and cheese, peter likes it much much more than flies, wade just gets used to peter being around now, peter clinging to wade like a backpack as he goes about his day, peter hanging from the ceiling to watch tv with wade, peter curling up at night with wade in his bed, peter trying to cover all the doors with webbing so wade won’t leave

wade goes back to stark, says he didn’t bring back the jet because tony didn’t actually fix anything last time and makes him a new deal, help peter adjust to being human since he doesn’t seem to be turning back at all

so tony finds specialized tutors and peter learns at the speed of light, he’s mastered advanced physics and reading by the second day and he’s already tinkering with things in tony’s lab by the end of the week, none of the speech therapists can get peter to talk, but he ends up picking up asl from clint and wade anyways

wade stays true to his word and has whats left of the jet sent back to the tower, peter is getting to be a real problem, he’s getting better at trapping wade at home, he made shooters that go over the spinnerets in his wrists and make all his webs into this goopy mess that wade can’t burn or cut through as easily as the old stuff, sometimes peter wraps wade up in web while he’s a asleep which is only semi nightmare inducing, and sometimes peter will just straight up stick his feet to the floor and refuse to let go of wade

so wade decided that he’d let peter come with him, but if he’s going to come with him on missions then peter needs a cool sidekick costume, peter came up with his own costume and wade doesn’t have the heart to tell him it looks too similar to his deadpool costume, so now peter is spiderman

after the first disaster of a mission, wade had to sit peter down and explain that they catch bad guys for money, not food, which led to peter learning how to use a credit card, which led to peter buying a pet store’s entire supply of meal worms to give to wade as a gift, wade thinks it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him


	284. Chapter 284

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter dating wade who thinks he’s just dating some normal person, who laughs off whenever peter says ominous shit like, i could kill that asshole for you, when wade makes himself walk away from a fight

the best part is peter can say all this shit with a straight face, like if wade says he’s feeling tired, peter will offer to carry him up the stairs, and wade will laugh hard and peter will just wait with a blank expression, because he’s serious, but wade never takes him up on his offers

but peter is patient, one of these days wade will say yes just to watch peter struggle, and peter will go all spiderman, like he’s been planning this for months now, he’s fucking ready


	285. Chapter 285

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter is a cuddle monster, he moans and groans when wade tries to get out of bed first, peter also likes to sleep late, so sometimes he’ll use his super strength to pull wade back into bed for another five hours

sometimes to get him out of bed wade will pick peter up and keep cuddling while he drags both their tired asses to the kitchen, peter has been known to cling to wade koala style so he doesn’t have to let his feet touch the cold floors in the morning


	286. Chapter 286

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter parker who is very adamant that everyone know spiderman is bi, like he did not hand fucking sew a bi pride flag spiderman costume specifically to go hang out at pride in, to be disrespected by randos on the street calling him straight, fucking rude

except when he overhears somebody say “spiderman is straight” and immediately says “spiderman is bi” just out of reflex, it turns out that this particular rando was deadpool muttering to himself

which is how peter found himself roped into deadpool’s make spidey fall in love with me plan, because he was apparently the spiderman expert, since no one had previously told deadpool that spiderman wasn’t straight, which was stupid because wade saw him in the damn pride costume, he should have fucking known

peter is finding it increasingly difficult to not turn beet red or burst into laughter every time deadpool tries to set up another plan, he still tries to humor wade anyways and sneaks off to change into his costume every time


	287. Chapter 287

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter’s secretly a hoarder of items that once belonged to people he cares for. Whether he’s given the items, he takes them, or he inherits them, his place wouldn’t feel like home without them. Wade doesn’t know, but Peter still has a hoodie deadpool let spidey wear once (when the top of his costume ended up wrecked after a battle during the winter). Peter secretly loves to wear it without anything else on except underwear while he chills in his apartment."

peter who has a tiny shitty apartment and has to maneuver himself through the narrow, probably lego ridden, path he’s made through all his shit, he’s got boxes just stacked up with cards he’s received and awards he’s won, he’s got every single weird t-shirt aunt may bought for him when he was in school neatly folded away in a box somewhere, he couldn’t ever bring himself to wear them but he kept them anyways

he’s got stacks of old photos from when he was a kid, and the used strawberry chapstick gwen gave him when they were dating, and the science fair trophy he and mj won in high school, and he still uses the dumb anime wallet harry got him as a joke so many years ago

he’s also got his first web shooters hidden away under the floorboards and some weird trophies he’s picked up on the battle field, like one of hawkeye’s arrows he stole from downtown, and an old iron man face plate that got ripped off, and one of wade’s knives that he threw to peter when peter went down with a broken leg

he actually has an embarrassing amount of wade’s shit, he’s got two of wade’s hoodies, one wade gave him after his costume got melted and the other he stole from wade’s things when he was staying at the tower, he also has one of wade’s masks from when they switched costumes, and a stuffed unicorn that wade had jokingly won him at a carnival game, and a party pack of spiderman themed kids cups that wade had gotten him for no real reason, and a crayon portrait of himself and deadpool that ellie had drawn for him

yeah, he’s got a problem


	288. Chapter 288

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, blind peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Blind!Peter AU who 'sees' like a spider (vibrations and 6th sense) and have no idea how the world actually looks like ?"

peter who’s been blind since he was born and got really fucking disoriented when his enhanced senses showed up, he met matt murdock early on and after matt saved his ass peter has to ask for an extra mask, and matt tells him that his masks don’t have eye holes, and peter just taps his one remaining eye lens and says they’re not actually see through

matt who takes peter under his wing and teaches him to use his senses to map his surroundings when he’s flying through the air and how to kick ass, peter and matt being sarcastic little shits together on and off the job, and foggy despairing because great now there’s two of you and both of yoU KEEP GETTING STABBED, I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO MEDICAL SCHOOL

peter who is so fucking glad to fight mephisto because he is literally the easiest villain peter has, peter who likes using thin, barely there webs to set up traps that he corrals his targets into, peter who gets handed reports by the avengers and shield and has to nod along like he understands completely before heading home and running all his papers through a scanner so he can finally fucking read it, he once broke his cane over some guy’s head because he didn’t have time to change into spidey

wade once got his hands on a spiderman suit and wore it for a teamup, he was really put out that peter didn’t say one thing about it


	289. Chapter 289

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, suicide, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, 'what do you think would happen if wade somehow got doped up real bad on truth serum ??"

honestly it would be sad as fuck, because wade keeps everything inside and that shit attitude he has about himself would come flooding out, he’d say exactly what he thinks and then say he hates himself for that too

like it would be bad enough if he’s alone but imagine having peter around and wade just trying to off himself so he can fucking shut up already, because what little hope he had of a relationship with his hero, spiderman, he thinks is shot to hell because he thinks that nobody really wants him around when he’s just a huge clusterfuck

and peter, try as he might, just can’t argue against these beliefs and negative views of himself that wade has been harboring for most of his life, like it just feels so shallow that all he can say is that’s not true when wade has about a million arguments for yes i really am a literal piece of shit that does not deserve happiness

it would be the first time that he’s said any of it out loud and once he gets going he just can’t stop and he’d either ugly cry out of frustration or just stare straight ahead and dissociate because he’s so tired of feeling like this that he just can’t bring himself to care about what he’s saying anymore

and by the time it wears off and he gets away from peter, well there’s a nice big spray of blood and brain and skull fragments and he gets to pretend its all over for a while


	290. Chapter 290

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, language kink, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Prompt? Peter has a language kink which he didn’t know about until he heard wade speak another language."

the first time peter realizes that wade knows german is when he sees the merc talking to some german tourists after a battle, it does things to him, so he shoves it to the back of his brain where all the naughty thoughts get locked up in the shame box

but it’s not just german, he catches wade monologuing in spanish one time and just the way he says it with that husky voice…, peter runs out on him before wade even gets to say hello

when wade starts reading the japanese damage reports from an avengers world saving mission, peter realizes that he most definitely has a thing for wade and languages, he tries not to think about it too hard

it all goes to shit when wade himself realizes the kind of effect he can have on spidey, he goes out of his way to talk in anything but english when they get coms, he’s tried to hold back ever since peter got distracted, slipped off a building and face planted into doc oc’s latest invention, spidey saved the day but ended up with a broken nose and wade still felt guilty for weeks

wade tries not to laugh when peter gets turned on by him just saying dumb shit in russian, natasha and bucky are really good at keeping up their poker faces when they have to watch peter swoon over wade saying he got stabbed in the ass last week

peter straight up moans when wade crowds him against the wall and tells him in explicit spanish exactly what he wants to do to him, peter actually knows some spanish and he was already blushing head to toe from what he could translate, it’s not too much longer before peter takes matters into his own hands and jumps wade


	291. Chapter 291

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, gore, character death, torture, soulmates au

peter has had his soulmate’s name printed on his wrist in messy handwriting with big loops since the day he was born, as a kid he’d come running to his parents every time he got a new mysterious bump or bruise and excitedly ask them if they thought it was his soulmate

peter started getting worried, the older he got, there were more bruises, more cuts, he had to hide the purpling fingerprints under long sleeves and sweatpants, peter misses a lot of school the time he’s pretty sure his soulmate ends up in the hospital, after that it’s thankfully less noticeable, peter hopes wade is doing ok

it’s after peter graduates high school, after the spider bite, after he’s got his life together somewhat, he starts noticing the puncture wounds, that along with the surgery scars, he knows wade isn’t doing well

peter breaks and starts using online services to find his soulmate, he’s trying not to panic, trying not to think about if he’s too late, if he’s running out of time, he’d wanted it to happen naturally, wanted to run into the guy on his own time, but it looked like time was the one thing wade wilson didn’t have

peter knows something is wrong when the puncture wounds on the inside of his elbow get messier and redder, like they weren’t done by a professional, the cuts up his side are all wrong, deliberate, and peter does some research, wade is being tortured

peter uses every service he can get his hands on, goes through every database he can find, it’s always dead end after dead end after dead fucking end, he’s just afraid now

he sits bolt upright in bed one night and screams, it’s like his body is on fire and he can see his flesh burning and curling in on itself, it’s not supposed to hurt, that’s not how this works, it’s not supposed to be like this, and then it just stops, peter’s aunt finds him and calls an ambulance, he wakes up in the er and cries when he realizes wade’s name is faded, he’s gone, peter was too late

it’s a month later when peter gets a weird cut on his leg and faded scars around his wrist, the name is back in dark black, like nothing had ever happened and peter feels some kind of dread and relief and panic all at once

wade dying still hurts, peter wants to punch the guy in the face sometimes, he can feel it every time wade wilson dies, and peter is getting sick and tired of wearing long sleeves and pants all the damn time to cover all the scars that only take a day to fade

it’s not until spiderman sees wade go down with a gaping hole in his chest and peter can fucking feel it, that’s when peter realizes that this is it, this is wade goddamn wilson, peter fights through the pain and saves the day, then he kidnaps wade and waits, it takes two weeks for him to wake back up and when he does, peter realizes just how fucking angry he is and he lays into wade

screams and shouts and cries and punches wade in his goddamn face and wipes the blood off his own mouth

and wade, wade is fucking floored, his soul mark had never come back, not after weapon x, he’d thought that was it for him, he’s died and left wade wilson behind, he didn’t expect, didn’t know, god it all comes back to him, every time he took a knife to the chest, a bullet to the brain, lost an arm, what did that even do to this guy


	292. Chapter 292

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

peter kissing wade on the nose before he leaves for work in the morning

wade smoothing back peter’s hair and kissing his forehead when he gets home

peter kissing wade’s neck and biting just enough to make wade moan

wade kissing down peter’s shoulders when peter’s sitting in his lap in front of the tv with just his boxers on

peter kissing down wade’s stomach like he’s trying to worship him

wade hiking up peter’s legs over his shoulders and kissing the insides of peter’s thighs

peter intertwining their fingers and kissing wade’s wrists when they’re all tangled up in their tiny bathtub together

wade kissing peter’s feet because peter told him to beg for it and that’s exactly what he’s going to do

peter kissing wade hard and deep like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other again when they stumble home after a mission because he’s still got it in his head that it could have been

wade kissing away peter’s tears when he wakes up in the middle of the night from another nightmare

peter kissing the tip of wade’s cock before he takes him all at once

wade kissing peter’s back when they’re curled up together in bed

peter kissing wade through his mask just to tease him

wade kissing peter’s cheek when he shuts peter’s laptop and tells him to go to bed already

peter kissing up wade’s arm when he tells wade that every inch of him is beautiful

wade kissing the tips of peter’s fingers when peter wraps his arms around wade at night and wade snuggles back to be the little spoon


	293. Chapter 293

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade have a little flat downtown and it’s better than peter’s last place, which isn’t saying much, it doesn’t have a pest problem though which they’re both pretty happy about

the walls are an ugly orange and there’s a giant dick drawn in sharpie on the bathroom door, and sometimes you have to throw yourself at the front door on rainy days to get it to open, but it finally feels like home

the bedroom is snug and that’s alright, they shoved a queen sized mattress in there, but you still can’t tell where the bed ends and the floor begins because there’s just so many damn blankets falling off the mattress

they don’t have enough shelves yet and peter just stacks up his books against the walls instead, wade keeps telling him it’s a fire hazard and peter just says that’s why they have a fire extinguisher next to the tv

there’s only one bathroom and it’s done in pastel pink with little floral trim that goes around the room, wade keeps replacing all the tiles because they’re just so old and nothing is sealed very well, at least there wasn’t a mold problem yet

the bathtub is surprisingly big for the kind of apartment they live in, it’s big enough that one of them can comfortably soak everything but their knees without having to scrunch up too tight, it just barely fits the two of them at once, and wade sticks towels down when they do so that the water that runs over doesn’t get all over the floor, peter will sit wade down in his lap and trace the patterns in wade’s skin while wade drones on about his day and leans back into peter, it’s kind of perfect really


	294. Chapter 294

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [xeniawarriorprincesa](http://xeniawarriorprincesa.tumblr.com/), "I imagine Peter not being the affectionate type out in public but when he meets Cable for the first time after discovering that hes Wade's ex, he is sprawled out on Wade's lap in .5 seconds and just glares at Cable as the avengers awkwardly stand there trying to take in what just happened. Wade at first is shocked that hes receiving so much PDA from Peter but once he realizes its jealousy he cant stop himself from laughing as Peter punches him"

oh god can you imagine though, peter just starts talking very loud, this is my Boyfriend, **Wade Wilson** , whom I **Love** _from the bottom of the depths of my Soul_

gross pda, here wade lemme feed you this thing that is neither a finger food nor meant to be fed to anyone while im sitting in your lap, look at your Huge Muscles, hey everybody look at **my boyfriend** ’s HUGE MUSCLES

peter getting passive aggressive with cable, and he starts just egging him on and disagreeing with everything he says purely to disagree with him, like he just says something about the food being too salty, and peter picks up the salt shaker, looks him dead in the eye, unscrews the top, dumps it all on his food and takes a bite without even blinking, that kind of level of pettiness

and wade toooootally lets it happen, like this is the most entertaining thing since house hunters, half the time he’s cheering peter on from the sidelines, and half the time he’s trying not to laugh because peter is just _trying so damn hard_ , and it’s the first time he’s ever seen mild mannered peter get jealous, it’s honestly flattering


	295. Chapter 295

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, prison au, organized crime au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Prison alternate universe! -S"

peter parker is the kingpin that got taken down, not for any of the murders, or organized crime deals, or even for the biggest heist of the century that he committed, nah they couldn’t pin anything on him, he got taken down for drug possession which the cops had to plant on him, the court was so unsympathetic that the jury only deliberated for a minute before the judge sentenced peter to life in prison, he deserved more than that for sure

he has himself sent to a local minimum security prison and within the first day he’s already back up and running his criminal empire from prison, plus the prison, honestly he gets treated better than most of the guards there

peter is pretty content with how things are, enter wade wilson, a down on his luck merc that got framed for the one hit he didn’t take, there was a mistake in the papers which is why he ended up in a minimum security prison, and man was he looking forward to running the place

lucky for wade, peter thinks it’s funny when wade swaggers over and offers to keep a hot little thing like peter safe in a place like this for a price, peter plays dumb and lets wade try to be his knight in shinning armour, and when an assassin infiltrates the prison to kill peter, wade saves peter’s life and ends up with a bullet in his chest for the effort

wade doesn’t remember a lot of what happens next, he wakes up in a nice hospital, still handcuffed to the bed, and god does it still hurt like a bitch even through the pain killers

as it turns out, peter had him moved to one of the hospitals he owned after wade was stabilized and the bullet was removed, in all the chaos peter was able to ah, have some papers moved around, and quietly left the prison and assumed a new identity

wade didn’t know what he was getting himself into, but now legendary crime boss peter parker is telling him congratulations, he just signed himself up to be peter’s personal bodyguard, wade is very much in over his head


	296. Chapter 296

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery, beauty and the beast au, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "//beauty and the beast alternate universe// -S"

legend tells of a creature with blood red eyes and too many arms that’s covered in thick fur and haunts the forgotten tunnels under nyc, sometimes ghost hunters and bored teenagers and the odd construction worker gets the fright of their life, and come back with a smashed camera and a babbling fear of whatever goes bump in the night

which is why wade thinks it’s the perfect place to hide out while on the run from robot ninjas, fuckers never sleep and eventually he’s going to pass out if he doesn’t get a few hours in

they’re hot on his trail and wade is just barely fighting them off, he’s got a sword stuck in his head and he’s bleeding from about a hundred other places, he’s trying to keep fighting through the black spots that have started popping up in his vision, but he’s not going to last much longer

a roar shakes the tunnel and wade collapses back against the wall, he’s ready for whatever fate has in store for him, but as his vision goes dark the last thing he sees is a shower of sparks and a clawed fist bursting through a robot’s chest

so he’s reasonably surprised when he wakes up in a bed of old torn blankets with eight glowing red eyes hovering in his face, he screams and punches the eyes and tries to get up, and fails spectacularly

the creature can talk, sort of, broken sentences and single syllable words mostly, it brings wade boxes of half eaten take out and only slightly bruised fruit, the furry clawed fingers are creepy as hell at first, but wade’s got to admit, this is the nicest recovery he’s ever had, the creature waits on him hand and… hand, and hand and foot

as it turns out the thing is more like your friendly neighborhood spider monster, wade actually got along pretty well with him, taught the thing some card tricks and it came up with some of it’s own, wade got his ass beat in slapjack, dumb idea to teach the thing with six arms to play slapjack

when wade feels he’s getting closer to fighting fit, he decides to try and explore a little, he’s never actually been down this far before, he follows the giant spider webs further in, there’s things stuck in the webs, old toys and pieces of broken glass and dried flowers, the floor starts getting crunchy, wade tries touching the floor and ends up with handfuls of tiny bones

there’s one room that wade finds that’s completely sealed off with giant webs, but he can see a glowing blue light inside, so he gets out a knife and hacks his way in, the entire cavern is made of webs that give with every step and blue shimmers on every wall, there’s a tight knot of webbing in the center of the room hanging from the ceiling, wade didn’t even think, he was already cutting away more web to get to the blue thing

he just barely got a glimpse of a blue otherworldly cube before the creature was back, screaming and dragging wade out of the tunnels, and into the blinding sunlight

so wade left it all behind him and moved on, that is until he got involved with the avengers and their little save the world gig, one of the most powerful artifacts in the known universe was lost on earth, and nobody knew where the hell it was, no trace, no radiation, no sightings, nothing

wade wasn’t really paying attention until somebody asked thor what the tesseract looked like, where had wade seen a glowing blue cube before, which is why wade took it upon himself to steal shield tech powerful enough to contain the tesseract and marched back underground, the creature fought him every goddamn step of the way

but as soon as he got the stupid thing in the box and sealed it tight, the creature screamed in pain and shrunk down, turning back into a person, a rather hot guy actually, and he was totally nude, and laughing hysterically and falling over a lot

his name was peter and he’d been guarding that thing ever since it crashed landed in front of him and sent his friend to the hospital and turned him into a giant spider monster, now it’s just a question of what they plan do with the tesseract


	297. Chapter 297

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, blind peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [helloiampac](http://helloiampac.tumblr.com/), "More Blind Spidey pls!!"

peter is completely blind in one eye and the other has low vision, so he can see some colored blobs, he took up photography in elementary school and never stopped, he loved it when he and his aunt and uncle would go walking around nyc and he’d learn how to handle a camera, his uncle would tell him how to tilt his camera and his aunt would point him in the direction of a bird or the tops of buildings

nowadays he likes sticking with digital cameras, much less expensive than buying film and he can get the thing to tell him if he’s aiming the camera right, may’s house is filled to the brim with peter’s photographs, most of them are of peter’s favorite places and his friends and family, she shows them off to everybody that comes over, she’s always been proud of peter for doing something he loves

whenever somebody tries to get peter to feel their face, he reaches out, sticks up his middle finger, and mushes it into their face, because nobody does that in real life, stop making things weird

wade is still weird about peter touching his skin, but at least he pulls up the mask enough to eat around him now and doesn’t have any problem with peter touching him through his suit, step one in peter’s 47 step plan to get wade wilson to fall in love with him is complete, self high five


	298. Chapter 298

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), ""Spidey what are you holding behind your back?" "Heh heh nothing, nothing" "IS THAT A DILDO WTF" "DONT JUDGE ME IT WAS BEING STLEN I COULDNT LET IT BE STOLEN""

so normally peter doesn’t deal with petty theft beyond stopping it and leaving a nice note for the cops, but today just had to be special, he recognized cap’s house from the motorcycle parked out front, and he knew for a fact that he and bucky were currently out of town on avengers business, so it was a little weird that all the lights were on and the front window was broken

which is why peter decided to go investigate, inside the place was absolutely trashed, all the cabinets and drawers had been thrown open and everything inside had been scattered all over the floor, some of the pictures on the walls were missing and the couch was slashed to pieces

peter found the guy in the bedroom, holding an embarrassingly large dildo and a pillowcase full of crap he’d pilfered, the guy was also wearing a halloween quality captain america suit and his face looked like he’d just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, which metaphorically he had

our mystery creep was faster than he looked and made it out the front door with peter hot on his tail, the guy managed to make it another block before he had to drop the bag of loot, which peter snatched up, he cornered the guy at a dead end in a back alley and webbed him up tight so he couldn’t run again

peter almost forgot about the dildo and had to wrestle it from him before heading back to cap’s place, he didn’t really want to know this much about steve’s sex life, especially not since he finally got to the point where he can call him steve, so peter drops off the pillowcase and leaves a note explaining to steve what happened and he leaves with the dildo, because there’s no way in hell he’d want the thing after it got napped by some perv, right?

he’s torn between running back and throwing it in steve’s backyard or dumping it in the nearest garbage pile, either way he’s been holding it for way longer than he ever wanted to, which is why he panics and nearly drops the thing when he hears wade calling his name

he shoves it behind his back and tries and fails at a casual wall lean, wade spots this immediately and asks what he’s hiding, and peter starts crawling backwards up the wall to avoid imminent embarrassment, which doesn’t work because wade pulls him down and peter can see wade’s eyes go big as saucer plates behind his mask

because wow spidey is that yours because you are a hell of a lot kinkier than i thought you’d be, like that thing is bigger than your forearm and now i can’t get that image out of my head, …it’s actually a pretty good image, i mean not that i'm thinking of you riding a massive-

and peter is stumbling over himself trying to explain what happened and the more he talks the more it sounds like a total lie, so peter has to go home that night with both the knowledge that captain america is a size queen and that wade thinks he owns a monster dildo


	299. Chapter 299

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, canon au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What would be if Peter, when the witch students summoned Deadpools heartmate, wasn't in his spidey suit but in civis?"
> 
> (refering to Spider-Man – Deadpool MU #1 where deadpool's summoned heartmate turned out to be spiderman)

peter i-stg-i-am-a-very-average-dude parker pops up in the middle of this shit, and on one hand he got a free pass out of jj yelling at him this morning, but on the other hand he has to pretend to not physically be able to beat up a bunch of school aged girls, he does free wade so wade can do the child punching for him, and he’s a little concerned that the magic mojo might expose him

but wade, thankfully, finishes this up almost bloodlessly, and maybe he’s a little confused as to who the hell this guy was, and maybe he stalked the guy to his house after saying goodbye random citizen, and maybe he keeps “accidentally” bumping into peter parker and harassing him on the job

well wouldn’t you be interested in finding out who the hell showed up when your heartmate got called??, so yeah, he does the stalker thing hard and peter parker is one tolerant dude, got the patience of a saint, even let wade take him out for heavy drinking one night after a particularly stressful day, guy can drink, wade is actually impressed how long it takes before peter actually gets drunk

drunk peter doesn’t ask how wade knows where he lives or how he gets into peter’s apartment without a key, but he does try to get wade into bed with him, but wade freaks out and bails, he’s convinced peter would regret it when he sobers up anyways, he tries to give peter a wide berth after that

peter thinks he’s fucked it all up and scared wade off, just when he felt like they were finally getting close, he was glad to be around wade as peter parker, he liked just being a normal guy to him, and he still hung out with peter anyways, it made him feel… special, and now he’d fucked up that relationship too

so peter puts on the suit and tries kicking in some teeth to take his mind off the whole thing, but halfway through patrol deadpool shows up and peter, the masochistic needy fuck that he is, invites him to tag along

wade is… subdued, he and spidey just aren’t trading quips like they normally do, so peter takes the chance to ask him what’s up, and wade says there’s this person, and maybe he’s a little bit in like with them, like, like like, and he’s afraid he’d fucked it all up

so peter, being able to finally look at his problems from an outsider’s pov, tells wade to go back and talk to the person, because it sound like there’s a lot of not talking and making assumptions going on, which is a shitty way to go about a relationship

so wade says yeah you’re right, and peter runs off to change his clothes and take his own damn advice, he buys a dozen chocolate roses and runs back to find wade and apologize, the apology goes very well and peter has a date with destiny and a hot merc this weekend, so yeah, maybe there’s something to this heartmates thing after all


	300. Chapter 300

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

one time wade made them both capes and they spent the whole day running around the city and posing for dramatic selfies like dorks


	301. Chapter 301

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, villain au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "evil! peter or evil!wade headcannons ?"

peter would make a great villain, he’s already got the creepy spider theme down, he just needs to change up his color palate and add more black, he’d be an anarchist dead set on taking down the government, a lone wolf that singlehandedly orchestrates and executes terrorist attacks, sometimes on a nationwide scale

he’s been know to pull off a sort of robin hood shtick, he’ll kill politicians that in his mind have crossed the line, and he’ll steal government funds to pay for anything from abandoned public works projects to life saving medical access for those in dire need, some consider him a hero, but what kind of hero kills in cold blood

he’s also well known for his hacking abilities, he’s released more confidential information to the public than anyone in us history at this point, the government wants him dead, shield has been on his tail for years now, but nobody can ever get close enough to actually touch him

the only person said to have seen his face is the black widow, she asked for his help in exposing shield and they parted ways with a cautious truce, they keep score and occasionally seek each other out to call in favors, neither trusts the other


	302. Chapter 302

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, drugs, substance abuse, nsfw

peter is wade’s supplier, wade doesn’t exactly know what the hell is in this stuff but god does it kick his ass into next week when he takes it, so far its the only thing he’s found that can give him anything more than a light buzz, and man does it go a and b the c of d

peter has put his expensive chemistry degree to good use and supplies supers with super resistant hallucinogenics, stimulants, depressants, opiates, alcohol whatever they want that can actually keep up with their overkill immune systems

it helps pay for college and honestly peter started doing it because sometimes you just need something to fuck you up real good to cope, and decided to share that with other supers, for a price of course, supplies don’t come cheap and heroing doesn’t pay after all

his most frequent customer is deadpool, which maybe it was a lapse in judgement that he tipped off wade while in his hero persona when the guy complained about not being able to get drunk anymore, but shit does this guy have a lot of money to burn

peter realizes he’s being hit on when wade asks him out with a note rolled in a stack of bills for his last payment, and peter has a rule, don’t date your customers, but what if he was willing to bend just this once


	303. Chapter 303

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, my little pony au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "this is really dumb and I send stuff to your ask box too often but my little pony au -S"

buddy, pal, darling, honey, listen to me real close, i’ve got around ~~350+~~ 1k+ original posts about these two idiots doing anything under the sun and i just answered an ask about a dildo heist, shame is no longer something i ascribe to

petey pie is ponyville’s resident newspaper photographer, he’s been helping the local paper get the cold hard facts for years now, every front line and breaking news story, he’s there to back it up with the proof, which is why he gets a reputation for being a bit of a nosy nellie

so when rumors pop up about a mysterious new pony just outside of town, petey pie is the first to visit the stranger and see if he can find out if there’s a story there, what he finds is the angriest looking and most battered pony he’s ever seen, he’s afraid sure, but not terrified enough to give up a good story

petey pie hangs out in the bushes nearby for a while, taking pictures and sizing up this new pony, whoever he is, he doesn’t seem to be planing on sticking around for much longer, he’s just got a tent, a backpack, and a fire pit he dug himself

petey pie gathers up his nerve and tries talking to the pony, he introduces himself and asks what the other is doing so far from town, he holds up his camera and asks if he can take a picture for the paper, which is when the stranger gallops straight at petey pie and smashes his camera into pieces before growling at him to leave him alone

petey pie had never flown so fast in his life, he was back in town with his broken camera in seconds flat, but when everypony asked what was wrong, he just shook them off and went home to get a different camera

he had been right about his hunch though, there was definitely a story and petey pie just had to dig it up, he went back to the mystery pony’s tent and waited at the same distance as last time, he tried introducing himself again, but this time the mystery pony didn’t leave his tent, he just told petey pie to get lost

petey pie had to go home yet again with empty hooves, so bright and early the next morning he went out and got together a nice basket full of fresh baked bread and ripe apples and one oh so sweet smelling pie, he flew the basket to the mystery pony’s tent and announced his arrival with a happy how do you do

the mystery pony, as it turns out, was not a morning pony, but he stopped trying to get petey pie to leave when he smelled the food he’d brought, petey pie even managed to get the stranger’s name over breakfast, wade whinnyson

wade whinnyson didn’t leave his tent or even open the flap to talk to petey pie at all, so petey pie decided that wade was just shy and needed a friend to show him around, which is how poor wade got talked into putting on a cloak and visiting the town, petey pie introduced wade to nearly every pony in ponyville and took him on a tour of the whole town, he was especially happy to show off the newspaper office where he worked

it had all been going so well, so when petey pie tried to take a picture of the both of them for an article on his new friend wade whinnyson, he was surprised that wade got startled and accidentally destroyed the printing press and petey pie’s backup camera

once petey pie had helped clean up the mess, he went back to wade’s tent and saw that wade was packing up his things, he tried to ask wade what was wrong, but wade just felt he had to leave after all the trouble he caused, petey pie assured him that they’d already cleaned up the office and all was forgiven, he hadn’t realized that wade wasn’t good with cameras

petey pie eventually convinced wade to stay another day, and then another, and then another, now wade lives in town with his best friend petey pie, he’s actually become a bit of a legend, he’s been the undefeated wrestling champion at the equestria games two years running, and petey pie always makes sure to hire some artists to cover wade’s matches so that he doesn’t have to see any flashing cameras


	304. Chapter 304

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

peter’s soulmate is a dick, peter’s soulmate is also very fond of dicks, at least that’s what peter gets from the sheer number of goddamn dicks his asshole of a soulmate keeps drawing on his arms

peter just keeps writing “fuck you” into his palms so that he knows his soulmate will see it, sometimes they write notes, it’s on their legs so that they have room and its easy to cover with pants, peter’s soulmate’s name is wade, that’s all he knows

to get back at wade, one time when he caught the flu and knew he’d be stuck at home for a week, peter drew dicks all over his face in sharpie, the angry messages all over his legs had peter laughing even though it hurt

sometimes peter writes snippets of song lyrics on the back of his hand, its a game just between the two of them, he sees how long itll take wade to write the next part of the song

peter asked for wade’s number once, said it would be easier to talk that way, wade stopped writing for two months, peter didn’t ask again after that, wade is like that about a lot of things, he doesn’t talk about himself, where he lives, what he does, anything about himself he just dances around

peter thinks it’s stupid because wade even knows how peter likes his coffee and they’ve never spoken a word

peter gets his first real break when something happens to wade, he’s pretty sure the guy got drunk because peter wakes up with a dick on his cheek that definitely wasn’t drawn by wade, but he also finds a little love note on his hip, it’s smudged and the writing is shaky, but it’s wade, and it leaves peter blushing, he takes a picture and it’s gone in another hour

it happens a couple more times always when peter is asleep, he ends up on a trip to germany for his internship and the time zone fucks with him a little and he can’t sleep for the first three days, and he’s kind of glad he doesn’t, because he watches wade’s shaky scrawl write out another love note on his thigh and peter picks up the hotel pen on the nightstand and writes back

he could cry when wade responds and by the time wade stops responding, peter’s already got everything he needs, wade seems to realize this when he sobers up since peter can see the words fading fast, but it doesn’t matter, he’s already in europe anyways

he calls in a favor and takes the metro to the other side of the country where he asks every single person he sees in broken german if they know a wade wilson, he’s not giving up but he is loosing hope when night comes around and he’s still got nothing, he’s checked damn near every bar in town with no luck, but then tony stark calls him back to deliver on that favor

and peter is fucking running, he knows exactly what he’s looking for, he’s got shield level spyware trained on the guy and he’s not getting away this time

he skids around a corner and yells wade’s name at the top of his lungs and the guy starts fucking running, peter follows him into an alley and gets surprised by a strong arm shoving him against the brick wall and the cold metal of a gun shoved in his face, and wade demands to know who he’s working for and how he found wade

and peter actually has to convince him that he’s not some sort of spy or assassin, he’s legitimately peter parker, long time caller first time in person, and wade has to get out a pen and prove it, and as soon as he does he just deflates, peter squirms out of his grip and wraps his arms around wade and just stands there

wade asks him how peter even found him, and peter tells him about the drunken episodes and the internship and he leaves out the government agency thing since wade doesn’t seem to take kindly to being spied on if the gun was anything to go by

so they go find a cafe and they talk and talk and talk until they get kicked out because it’s so late, they laugh about the dicks and wade gripes because peter never watches any of the shows he likes so all his references go over peter’s head and peter says well we can watch them together, and wade says yeah, i’d like that


	305. Chapter 305

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery, gore, cannibalism, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "spiderman being more spider than man having to eat people juice to feed spiderlings. Wade goes hunting , avengers are confused"

ever since the transformation, peter has stayed on the fringes of society, he has to hide from the general public just to keep himself from giving into his instincts, his instincts to chase, kill, eat, he had to leave his old life behind after he caught himself drooling over aunt may while she was dozing on the couch

unfortunately peter can’t even get a break in isolation, he’s still got doc oc chasing after him, determined to use his spider dna to create a new breed of super humans loyal to his every whim, he once succeeded in capturing spiderman and managed to artificially grow five spider human hybrids before peter broke free

the children were all monstrous in form and peter, cursing doc oc for bringing them into this word, took them with him when he fled, he wasn’t going to let the madman hurt them any more than he already had

which is how peter becomes a desperately overwhelmed father of five super powered rugrats, he’s stretched so thin he can barely feed his five kids much less himself, he’s been trying to get enough rats and the occasional stray dog, but most days they’re reduced to digging through the garbage just to fill their bellies, above all peter refuses to kill people

wade wilson just cornered his mark and cut his head off in a dark alley in the middle of nowhere, he was reaching for the severed head when a scuttling above him warned him that someone else was nearby, he was about to start shooting just to scare them off when out of the shadows crawls a little six eyed toddler with too many insect legs and softly clicking mandibles, he watched in silent horror as it approached the body and hesitantly started tearing the corpse to shreds, he lunged for the head as more and more joined the first, but they didn’t pay him any mind, they must have been starving since they crunched down the bones and didn’t even leave a stain on the pavement where the man had just been

wade couldn’t get it out of his head, flesh eating mutant spider kids hiding out in abandoned buildings, he wasn’t going to contact xavier’s, who knows if these kids had even been socialized, and generally people don’t like mutants with a taste for people meat, so wade comes up with a great idea, whenever he needs to dispose of a body or looses a limb, he brings it to the same place and watches the kids eat every last scrap, they’re kinda growing on him

so when wade whistles for the kids and unpacks a pillowcase full of severed limbs, he’s kinda fucking surprised when a giant spider monster tackles him to the ground and screams in his face, he’s even more surprised when he realizes the monster is talking to him, more specifically angry screaming something about corrupting children

the big spider monster leaves him pinned to the ground with webbing so he can go shoo the spider kids away from the gory limbs wade had brought them, peter was going to kill wade when the kids stopped him, peter isn’t happy about it, but he lets wade go and tells him to never touch his kids again

wade is, of course, terrible at following instructions, he was back again at the same place a month later with two whole corpses from a double hit he just finished, the spider kids all looked much thinner, and peter looked dead on his feet, peter didn’t discourage the kids from eating this time, but he also refused to watch or eat anything himself, peter told wade that he wasn’t going to thank him, wade said he never expected it

so wade keeps coming and peter and the kids look less and less close to death, peter wouldn’t admit it, but the kids needed this, there was no way he could have survived and fed them all the way he’d been doing things, he’s secretly thankful that wade knew he was in over his head and helped out anyways, he may not like what wade does, but he’s grateful for his children’s sake

it’s not the only way wade helps out, he babysits the kids while peter takes some alone time to finally fucking sleep, wade lets the kids practice tying him up in webbing and he always pretends to be surprised when one of them jumps on top of him suddenly, it wasn’t long before he was screaming for real when they snuck up on him, they learn so fast

and when the avengers started investigating the reports of strange sounds and missing animals in the area, wade steps in and hides peter and the kids at his place, it’s a good thing his apartment was shitty to begin with because it got absolutely destroyed, none of the kids liked being caged and peter started having panic attacks if he didn’t go outside every few hours, it’s not ideal but the avengers are on to them now and wade doesn’t know where else to hide them

it’s clint who finds them first, wade calmly points a gun at his head and tells him that if they want peter and the kids, they’ll have to go through wade first, and clint doesn’t quite know what to do with that, they were supposed to be hunting down a monster, not a family, since when did wade look more like the good guy than the actual good guys


	306. Chapter 306

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, magic au, fantasy au, wizard of oz au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/), "You have any ideas for the Wizard of Oz art? I like how you put a twist to everything. ♡"

aww thanks <3

peter in a twist of fate, finds himself the next ruler of oz, the first time in almost 20,000 years that the ruler of oz hasn’t been an ozma, a direct descendant of the legendary ozma of oz, he simply had the luck, or perhaps the misfortune to be in just the right place at the right time when the last ozma died, she bequeathed the throne to peter with her last breath to keep her political opponents from seizing the throne in her stead

peter was never meant to rule, he just worked here, he didn’t want the backstabbing allies, the political unrest, the crushing responsibility, but it didn’t matter what he wanted, when he first walked into that courtroom he saw the corruption and deceit firsthand and vowed to dedicate his life to ruling oz for the better

peter quickly became one of the most beloved rulers in oz’s history, he was the people’s friend and the bourgeoisie’s nightmare, but even with all the good he did, there was still the threat of the nome king, everyone had long since forgotten the reason behind the animosity and hatred, but the wars never stopped

peter had received word that the nome king had been kidnapping run down and forgotten tik-tok creatures, but to what end no one knew, peter could feel it in his gut, something was going to happen, and it would happen soon

that something was a stranger fished up out of the sea that morning, the fishermen were all in a tizzy and didn’t know what to do when the dead man brought himself back to life and forced the water out of his lungs before threatening them all with a swift death if they didn’t get him something to eat, so they brought him to the capital, surely such a creature the great peter would know what to do with

peter and everyone in the castle were astounded, this patchwork man spins tales of a magical land far away and claims he has conquered death, he denies any relation to any royalty in the land of ev and yet refuses to explain how he came across this power to cut himself to pieces and still put himself back together

peter sees his chance and takes it, he announces to everyone gathered that this man is their secret weapon, who better to win a war than one who cannot be defeated, it must have been the unnamed god that deposited wade in their laps, what surer sign of victory could one be given

wade fucked up and got dumped in the middle of the ocean with steel blocks around his feet, so he has no idea how long he’s been out and down for the count, or if he’s still in loopy land while he dies again and again, but one thing he’s sure of is that there is no way in hell he’s taking sides in a wonderland war, except maybe his resolve to get the hell out of here asap wavers a little when he meets peter

peter set him up with the best oz had to offer, and after his rousing speech, he came to see wade privately, he apologized for what he did and explained that he took the opportunity because it presented itself, he offered wade a deal, his loyalty for riches, as wasn’t that just the quickest way to wade’s heart, through his wallet, so wade stayed, he got these schmucks battle ready and trained in guerrilla warfare, even if he had to adjust for magic and various other oddities that oz seemed to be full of

peter brought him to the royal vault where hundreds upon hundreds of egg laying fowl and reptiles lived, wade started having second thoughts when peter’s best defense was literally just fucking egging his enemies, but in backwards town you go with whatever works, and damn did eggs ever work

peter found himself relying on wade more and more as the battles became grimmer, as he was the only person in this godforsaken place he could well and truly trust, wade was a man of harsh, cruel words and unspoken mystery, but he was also a man of his word and kind at heart, in another life peter liked to think they would have been friends

the tide of war finally turned and oz’s forces managed to break through the nome king’s defenses, they were taking back land after land, pushing the nomes ever further underground, for a brief moment it almost looked like oz would be triumphant, and then the tik-tok creature was wound, it was at least a hundred feet tall and towered over the battlefield, everything in it’s path was obliterated at the word of the nome king, all hope was lost, peter prepared to surrender to save his people

but wade wasn’t having any of that, wade grabbed a handful of eggs and a goose who screamed every profanity at him in protest, and he rode her as she flew all the way to the nome king’s castle, he slaughtered everything in his path and forced his way into the nome king’s chambers where he held the nome king at, well, egg point and forced him to call off the giant tik-tok creature and surrender to the kingdom of oz

and just like that it was all over, the war had been won and wade was hailed as a savior of oz, true to his word, peter raided the abandoned caverns of the nome king and paid wade with his weight in precious stones five times over, peter also sheepishly gave wade the silver slippers of legend that would send him home, but wade couldn’t blame him for hiding them, in fact he was sad to go

in front of everyone wade said his goodbyes and gathered up his riches and clicked his heels together, but just as everything began to fade he reached out and pulled peter into a bruising kiss, both of them were too far gone in the kiss to realized that wade hadn’t let go until it was too late

the shoes had vanished and he and peter were stuck in wade’s tiny flat in new york


	307. Chapter 307

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, magic au, fantasy au, wizard of oz au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked for a part 2, "omg... i wanna know what happens when oz!peter and wade get to ny!"

peter just kinda looks around and he’s like ahhhh, fuck

wade keeps apologizing, and peter keeps telling him it’s not his fault, peter stays at wade’s place while they try to figure out how to get peter back home, peter is fascinated by electricity, back where he’s from they have magic, but only the rich and witches can use it, this world is such a strange mix of primitive and advanced technology, the poor are given the gift of constant light yet hospitals can’t regrow limbs

peter devours math and science texts, wade has been trying to sneak tech out of labs, he’s already been caught by richards and tony, and he kidnapped kurt that one time

peter suggests they recreate the circumstances of wade’s trip to oz, wade tells him that’s not a great idea, some of the other heroes get it into their heads that peter is wade’s hostage somehow, peter misunderstands natasha when she goes undercover to talk to peter and try to get him away from wade, he whips out a dagger in a walmart and everybody just kinda walks around them, some people stop to film them fighting

wade has to explain to peter that night that generally nobody here carries weapons, and peter just looks at him funny because wade always has a minimum of ten weapons on him at any given time, and the woman he fought earlier could shoot crackling magic from her wrists, he isn’t convinced

wade eventually brokers a deal with stark, tony and bruce are impressed with peter’s knowledge of mechanical engineering and physics, tony asks him when he had the time to learn rocket science and peter casually says last night, and bruce is doubled over laughing next to tony

tony and peter keep getting mad at each other for what they classify as magic, the team need some more brain power so tony called up jane foster, darcy has fun taking peter around town and introducing him to earthling things even though peter keeps telling her he’s not an alien, peter thinks silly bandz are the shit and gets fascinated by the texture of cheap velveteen

it’s actually when thor visits that they get a breakthrough, jane was telling him about the nature of the portal she thinks wade and peter had passed through, and thor actually recognizes something because he says oh i’ve been there, bruce goes a little green and tony smashes something tiny and yellow that explodes in his face, all that work and thor had the answer all along

as it turns out oz is sort of a runoff dimension, anytime a portal breaks or there’s a tear between worlds, that space between them passes through oz, so they get a lot of weird people and junk from other dimensions, peter usually just chalked it up to the unnamed god, the unnamed god tended to send the strangest things

so thor calls upon heimdall to take peter home, where peter has to clean up the mess that was the post war struggle for power, he ended up killing the opposition who claimed ozma blood in combat to consolidate power under his reign, oz soon becomes an enormously prosperous land and peter brings back new ideas like electricity and computing and advanced calculus, he revolutionizes academics and oz becomes the most technologically and magically advanced society

wade sticks around while tony and co. keep at it anyways and finally map the pathway to oz, jane’s the one that enters the code into wade’s transporter, he volunteers himself for the maiden voyage, peter greets him with open arms and all the hospitality that oz can offer, and then some


	308. Chapter 308

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade always thought peter took the nicknames in stride, he never showed any reaction so he just thought peter didn’t really care

but then peter took off the mask and the first time wade called him baby boy he could see peter’s face glowing pink from a mile away, it’s absolutely adorable and wade starts going out of his way to use pet names around peter

he tries to see which ones make peter flush more, so far it’s tied for sweetheart and love of my life, the best part is, peter doesn’t actually seem to notice how absolutely red he gets


	309. Chapter 309

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

peter is ellie’s favorite babysitter, wade actually tells her that he needs somebody to watch his boyfriend for a while while he takes care of some business, she always volunteers

peter is totally incapable of taking care of himself, so ellie makes sure that peter drinks lots of water to stay hydrated, and she makes sure that he eats three square meals a day, but she doesn’t tell wade how often they order in, and she makes sure to tire peter out and tuck him in when he falls asleep on the couch, and she takes lots of pictures to show her dad when he gets back

peter still thinks he’s the one in charge


	310. Chapter 310

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

wade and peter brought ellie to disneyland for her birthday, she put them both to shame by excited nonstop rambling over the both of them the whole way there, she was practically vibrating by the time they made it inside

wade complained that there wasn’t a point to bag checks if they’re not going to use metal detectors too, he has seven knives and two guns on his person right now, peter smacks the back of his head and tells him to shut up before they get kicked out

ellie practically drags them both across the park so she can hit up as many rides as possible, wade lets her get sugared up on churros and ice cream pops and cotton candy and tigger tails, ellie gets scared in the snow white ride and tries to punch the wicked witch on instinct, wade was so proud

they go on the peter pan ride about seven times because ellie likes flying over a tiny london, they go on the star wars tours twice as many times and ellie gets a double sided red lightsaber like darth maul, because he’s badass, ellie don’t say badass there are children here, i'm a children

she gets super excited to see the live action interactive star wars show, when darth vader shows up and she steps up to the plate with her lightsaber, she’s fucking ready, she ignores her jedi teachers of 5 minutes and just fucking lays into vader, he’s got no room to run, she breaks the lightsaber over his head, she’s screaming as peter grabs her and they all run away before someone can kick them out

they go on space mountain and ellie is enchanted, she thinks it’s the coolest thing ever and wade gets a fastpass so they can go again later, ellie gets to meet ariel in the groto and asks her all about what it’s like underwater, they have a rousing discussion about how ariel defends herself from sharks, ellie has opinions and the poor character actress is trying to keep it pg

ellie is crashing hard by the time the fireworks go off, she can barely keep her eyes open long enough to oo and ah, and halfway through she passes out while riding on top of wade’s shoulders

she wakes up a little when peter buckles her up in the car and hands her her new stitch stuffed animal that’s almost as big as she is, he asks her if she had a fun birthday, and she just barely says its the best one she's ever had before she passes out in the back seat with her face smushed against the car door


	311. Chapter 311

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, kidnapping, torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spiderman and Deadpool were frenemies, which unconsciously transformed into just friends who like to take the shit out of each other, which turned into realizing they were the only two who could match each other quip for quip and pun for pun without fail, which somehow evolved into telling each other when they were leaving town for missions. Now deadpool’s been gone for longer than he said he would be & Peter doesn’t know when it happened but he misses him, like, a lot."
> 
> Ask from anonymous, "what would peter do if he found out wade wasn’t out in a job and forgot his phone but instead captured and detained by shield to try out a few questionable inventions (it can be not shield )”

wade said he’d only be gone for a month, and sure peter always gave him a little wiggle room just to be sure, but it’s been two months now and peter keeps catching himself staring at his phone, wade always calls when he’s back in town

it’s becoming a nervous habit, he keeps taking out his phone and checking it just to make sure he didn’t miss an alert or something, he’s been watching the news too, but there’s been no sign of the merc and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do next 

he takes a page out of tony’s book and calls wade to trace his phone, he knows it’s not exactly ideal or even safe, especially for wade, but he’s fucking desperate, he’s also fucking angry when the trace tells him that wade’s phone is in his apartment

so peter gets on the suit and swings over to wade’s place with the explicit intention of verbally flaying him alive, which kinda dies out when he gets there, the place is empty, the mailbox is full of generic ads and spam mail dating back just over two months, peter finds wade’s phone still sitting on the couch, charging, now he’s fucking panicking

peter tries to calm down and go about this rationally, he goes through wade’s phone and the last message was sent to peter, saying he’d be leaving soon, which means this whole time he hadn’t been on a mission, something else had happened before he even had a chance to step foot outside

peter searches the house top to bottom and hacks into wade’s laptop, he finds it, a single message from a shield contact telling wade that pickup will be there in five, peter has a target

it’s not the first time he’s had to break into shield, but it is the first time that it’s been so dangerous, he doesn’t know if shield even knows where wade is, but it’s fucking shield, take a wild guess, peter doesn’t have time to hack their servers so he stops by avengers tower and asks tony if he can look through shield files for some info on a villain he’s hunting down, thank god this was the easy part

shield has wade, peter doesn’t know what for or why, but he’s got a containment location on floor five of the not so secret compound upstate, so peter snags an image inducer and tried to get used to seeing maria hill’s body every time he looks down, he puts on the most no-nonsense look he can pull off and ruffles his hair a little and breathes a little heavier to make it look like he ran, as soon as he gets there he grabs the nearest guard and tells them to take him to wade wilson, there’s no time to explain

the poor guards are so flustered they forget to ask for id and open the doors themselves, peter is internally freaking out the whole time because he is in a shitload of trouble if he gets found out, but shield agents part before him like the red sea and half of them don’t even look him in the eye when they salute, man peter should try being hill more often, what a power trip

peter realizes on his way down the hall that he’s only got a vague idea of how this place is laid out, and he’s not even sure that he can use the elevator without a keycard, peter randomly stops in front of one of the guards and the hall goes silent, the guard in front of him is staring at the ceiling and peter can see him trembling as he tries to keep his back ramrod straight, he flinches when peter reaches out to brush imaginary dust off his jacket and straighten his vest, he snags the guy’s card while he’s at it and tells the poor guy to carry on

it takes everything peter has in that moment not to smile, he makes it down to the right room and lets himself in, thankfully there’s no one there but wade because upon seeing him strapped to a metal slab and bleeding peter lost his poker face

wade smirked at him and told him to get a long hard look why don't you, i'm not going anywhere, peter covers the cameras and snaps wade’s restraints with his super strength, which is when wade starts getting confused because last he checked hill couldn’t do that

peter throws him another image inducer and tells him they don’t have a lot of time, can you walk, and wade is still pretty out of it because he tries to take a swing at peter and completely misses, peter doesn’t have time for this bullshit, so he knocks wade out and turns the image inducer on so that wade looks like another shield grunt and hauls him over his shoulder, he gets plenty of odd looks, carrying around an unconscious agent

the alarms go off just as peter can see the front door, he fucking bolts, they just barely make it through the doors as the metal plates slip into place and the facility goes into lockdown

wade wakes up with a groan in his own bed, he doesn’t remember leaving the tv on, he also doesn’t remember going to bed, he remembers shield, and then…

he gets up and grabs the gun under his pillow, but when he peeks into his living room, it’s just spiderman, sitting on the couch with a whole stack of pizzas


	312. Chapter 312

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, kidnapping, torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "how does wade react to finding spiderman on his couch after being saved from SHIELD?"

wade actually isn’t sure just how much of it really happened, or if it had happened at all, he’d had nightmares just as bad before, but they usually didn’t last so long

peter asked him how he was doing and wade shrugged and sat down on the couch, so peter asks him what he remembers, wade tries to make a joke out of it all, says it was like a bad dream, sex dungeon and electrocution and all

so wade asks peter how he got home, and peter told wade that he’d been gone for too long, he doesn’t say it outright

wade says thanks, it’s quiet, but peter hears it, they both settle in and watch tv, wade grabs a box of pizza, after that it’s an unwritten rule that wade and peter check in with each other when they go out of town, it’s saved both their lives before


	313. Chapter 313

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/), "High School AU where Wade gets his powers around the same time as Peter and they both become heroes. Maybe they start dating at school and wade feels bad because he has a crush on spidey while dating peter. Sorry if I'm bothering you with all the asks i send!!"

wade and peter are both mutants, they try to keep their powers a secret from everybody, even each other, they’re both afraid of what will happen if someone finds out

peter just wants his life to be normal, he finally got a boyfriend and he’s still trying to deal with his aunt teasing him about it, wade is damn near perfect, he’s the star quarterback and the most popular guy in school, everyone loves him and he looks like he stepped out of a modeling ad, peter’s on cloud nine

wade is having problems, peter is the first person that he dated because he actually liked them, this is the first time that he’s ever been serious about someone in his life and he’s going to fuck it all up because he’s a goddamn idiot and he doesn’t know how to deal with this stupid crush he has on spiderman while he’s dating peter, he likes them both! but what the hell is he supposed to do about it

peter is having fun teasing deadpool, he knows the guy has a crush on him and that on top of the fact that he scored the hottest guy in school is really doing things for his ego, he only feels a little bad, but he’s not cheating, flirting isn’t cheating he keeps telling himself to assuage the guilt

peter and wade aren’t doing so great, they’re supposed to be the schools power couple, and at school they are, but every time they try to hang out outside of school or just fucking talk, something comes up, a new disaster or a runaway horse that one time, it barely feels like they’re friends much less dating, that and on top of everything wade keeps trying to take it slow, which is killing peter because he’s horny as fuck and ready to jump wade if that’s what it takes

peter is the one who figures it out first, wade got a paper cut and three seconds later it was gone, just like somebody else he knows, not that it makes it any easier when wade dumps him to ask out spiderman


	314. Chapter 314

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [the-stories-in-my-head-95](https://the-stories-in-my-head-95.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "For the high school au do they get back together?!?!"

peter is so fucking bitter about it that he doesn’t reveal his secret identity to wade, he turns him down point blank as spiderman and when he comes crawling back to peter, peter doesn’t even give him the time of day

their drama is the school wide gossip, rumors say that wade dumped peter to get together with a model, but he wanted peter back instead, the school is divided into factions, some are on wade’s side and think peter is being a bitch, some are on peter’s side and think he’s totally in the right for letting wade suffer for his choices, others just want them to be together again regardless of who’s right or wrong

peter has never been the center of attention before, he’s got people he’s never talked to before coming over to him and calling him a bitch, and other people he doesn’t know just randomly try to pat him on the back or tell him that they’re there for him if he needs them, it’s pretty fucking weird and peter misses anonymity 

eventually the excitement dies out and peter and wade are on speaking terms again, they’re not dating, but wade counts this as a step in the right direction, he’s absolutely love sick, peter’s been the only thing on his mind for months, he’s never regretted a stupid decision more

wade is also back in spiderman’s good graces, it was awkward for them after spidey rejected him, but they stayed friends, he’s grateful for spidey, he’s always there when wade needs to pour his heart out to somebody, he’s the only one wade can tell about his huge fuck up with peter, because he’s the only one that knows the whole story

he tells spiderman one time that, no offense, but even if he had said yes when wade asked him out, wade would have left him and gone right back to peter, because peter is the love of his life, and he’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means giving peter up, to see peter happy

and peter just groans in frustration and says god. fucking. damn. it., why do you make everything hard, and he takes off the mask, and wade in his shock says, that’s what she said, and they both break into a fit of giggles on a roof like idiots, and peter says i’m going to give you one more chance, but that’s it

and wade tells him that’s all i need baby boy


	315. Chapter 315

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Early morning weekend cuddles? P.s. I love ❤️ your work!"

peter and wade have to put their alarm clocks on the other side of the room now, they used to keep accidentally smashing them in their bleary early morning state

sometimes when wade wakes up first he gets trapped in bed because peter literally sticks to him in his sleep, it’s a fucking weird feeling, but it becomes something familiar and comfortable after so many mornings

wade keeps accusing peter of being a blanket hog because they always wake up with peter covered in a stack of blankets, so peter stayed up one night and to his surprise, wade gathered up all the blankets and tucked peter in, in his sleep

peter isn’t a real person when he wakes up in the morning, usually talking is a little beyond him, when wade gives him a hug peter will grumble into his shoulder and melt into him

peter hates cold floors in the morning, so he’s made it a habit to walk on the ceiling while he gets ready, wade loves it because it’s an excuse to stock up on spiderman kisses

sometimes peter forgets he’s on the ceiling and turns his coffee mug upside down

wade’s favorite thing is when they don’t have anywhere to be so when he wakes up first, he can snuggle further under the covers and put his head on peter’s chest, the steady rise and fall of peter’s chest and the sound of his heart beat always sends wade back to sleep


	316. Chapter 316

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, romeo and juliet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "romeo and juliet au"

Two brave teams, both alike in dignity,  
In fair NYC, where we lay our scene,  
From longstand’ng grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where changed blood makes mutant hands unclean.  
From forth the fatal choice of these two foes  
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;  
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows  
Do with their death bury their own team’s strife.  
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,  
And the continuance of all heroes rage,  
Which, but their youngers end, nought could remove,  
Is now the close of one world’s loss and rage;  
If to love all had much’d kindly deferred,  
What here should miss, now Death takes her fair toll. 

[SCENE I. Times Square. A public place.]

[Enter JEAN and SCOTT, of the X-men]

JEAN

I will laugh as I pass by, and let them take it as  
they list.

SCOTT

Nay, as they dare. I will flip the bird at them;  
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter CLINT and NATASHA

CLINT

Do you flip the bird at us, bitch?

SCOTT

I do flip the bird, lout.

CLINT

Do you flip the bird at us, tool?

SCOTT

[Aside to JEAN] Is the professor with us, if I say?

JEAN

No.

SCOTT

No, churl, I do not flip the bird at you, but I  
do flip the bird, bitch.


	317. Chapter 317

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, romeo and juliet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "i kinda digged that romeo and juliet au can i have more"

[Enter PETER on WADE’s skype]

WADE

Fuck me!

PETER

He speaks:  
Speak again, sexy angel! for thou art  
As glorious to this night, being o’er my league  
As is a winged messenger of heaven.  
Upon his visage none but naysayers,  
Hath their eyes graced his scarred roughhewn flesh.  
Nay, neither human nor god be worthy  
Of the magesty of one such divine.

WADE

Spiderman! wherefore art thou Spiderman?  
Deny thy chosen team and refuse thy mask;  
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,  
And I’ll no longer be of the X-Men.

PETER

[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

WADE

’Tis but thy team that is my enemy;  
Thou art thyself, though not an Avenger.  
What’s an Avenger? Simply put then is,  
An organization, a death sentence,  
For one such as I. O, leave those that care!  
What’s in a name? that which we call a gun  
By any o’er name would kill just the same;  
So Spiderman, were he not that man call’d,  
Retain that dear perfection which he owes  
Without title. Spider, doff thy mask,  
And for that name which is no part of thee  
Take all myself.

PETER

I take thee at thy word:  
Call me but love, and I’ll be new branded;  
Henceforth I reject my mask, Spiderman.

WADE

What man art thou that thus invaded mine Skype  
So decisive on my here quiet counsel?

PETER

By a name  
I know not how to tell thee who I am:  
My name, dear angel, hateful to myself,  
Because I am an enemy to thee;  
Had I it changed, I’d be less myself.

WADE

My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words  
Of that tongue’s utterance, yet I know the sound:  
Art thou not Spiderman of Avengers?

PETER

Neither, dear angel, if either thee dislike.

WADE

How camest thou upon mine number, tell me?  
I have no mem’ry of bestowing it,  
And neither upon you or another,  
considering who thou art. Pray, do tell.

PETER

‘Twas a dream, upon wings of passion I  
Did seek you out, my love. It came to me.  
And lo, I awoke, divine message heard  
Thusly I searched Skype and found your sweet name.

WADE

If they do know thee, they will murder thee.

PETER

If I do know you, they will murder me.  
Dear Wade, let me my lecherous thoughts and  
I am proof against all their enmity.


	318. Chapter 318

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, murder, monster au, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Challenge from [thatvixenchick](https://thatvixenchick.tumblr.com/post/168031356673/plot-bunny-spideypool-demonpriest) to finish their plotbunny:
> 
> It’s somewhere around the 1400′s and the best way to get an education is through the church. So Peter joins the church and trains as an Exorcist while devouring all the knowledge that he can. Exorcist is a good job option, after all. There’s plenty of work to be had.
> 
> Of course, Peter ends up questioning just that. If the demons keep coming back, are the exorcisms really that effective? And what exactly do the demons want? They do weird things, sure, but they don’t get dangerous until attacked first or if they’re residing in homes with dangerous people. And why are only the rich able to afford exorcisms? What about the poor who are begging for help?
> 
> After too many questions and too much prying into forbidden documents, Peter is kicked out. That was fine. He felt like quitting anyways.
> 
> So Peter starts going around to the small and poor villages and helping people out for whatever they can give him in return. Peter never exorcises a demon unless he has to. He always starts by trying to negotiate terms and asking what questions the demons are willing to answer. Most of the time, if Peter can provide something that they’re after, they’ll happily leave the home.
> 
> Wade, a demon king of the underworld, starts hearing stories from his minions about a weird priest who keeps trying to get information about them. At first, Wade is rather suspicious of this priest that’s prying into their business, but the minions assure that the priest is always nice and helpful to them. Frankly, it’s weird.
> 
> So Wade pops in on Peter after his latest “exorcism” where he had helped a tiny little demon couple the size of his hand find a new home and gave them advice on how to not be noticed by humans. Wade is rather… charmed. Peter is sassy and scolding to the demons, but also kind and eager to learn. It’s cute.
> 
> Peter doesn’t find Wade nearly as cute when he steps from the shadows. Wade is a tall red demon with twisted skin, large horns, and glowing yellow eyes. Peter is scared out of his mind and desperately trying to think of any incantation he can use to protect himself. As he clutches his holy water in front of him, Wade smiles and introduces himself. Peter is a little focused on the pointy teeth, so Wade has to ask twice if Peter would be so kind as to discuss his intentions. 
> 
> Why was a priest being at all decent to demons?

poor peter tried his best to give a quick rundown of his embarrassingly short education and subsequent excommunication from the church for consorting with demons, his earnest honesty is adorable, he keeps tripping over his own tongue and wade just keeps grinning wider and wider as peter gets more and more flustered

peter’s not really doing anything that wade has a problem with, he’s actually been kind and helpful to wade’s subjects so he lets him continue on, peter is the strangest human he’s ever met, not that he normally keeps company with priests or even humans for that matter, there’s something special about peter

which is why wade totally doesn’t spend the next few weeks er, visiting his citizens in the mortal realm, and if it just happens to line up with peters schedule? then it’s a lucky coincidence, he eventually drops any pretense and just straight up starts following peter around

peter is fun and going home to deal with paperwork and administrative duties and meeting with the head architect building his skeleton temple is just so very dull, peter, once he gets used to wade, starts snarking back and wade is pleasantly surprised, peter is the only creature he’s ever met that talks to him like an equal, it’s refreshing

wade is the king of demons, the all powerful ruler of hell and the scourge of humanity, he’s razed entire empires and whispered in the ears of killers since the beginning of humanity, and yet here he is, zoning out in meetings and daydreaming about the color of peter’s eyes, he’s a fucking love struck idiot and he hates it, he briefly considers killing peter just to make it stop

it’s painfully obvious to anyone watching as wade follows peter around like a lovesick puppy, there’s rumors in court of wade’s subjugation to a human, demons whisper about the priest that tamed the king in hushed tones, and eventually those rumors start floating through the ears of the people and then the church

the church declares peter an enemy of the state and calls for his head, peter is on the run now, the poorer towns will still house him in exchange for his holy work, but he has to be careful of showing his face around holy men whenever he goes to town to get more supplies, he’s careful, but not careful enough

they corner him when wade isn’t around, he’s burned at the stake as he prays to his god for salvation, the same god who his enemies kill for, peter’s screams reach a demon hiding nearby, the little creature runs to wade as fast as it can go, but by the time wade gets there, it’s too late

wade slaughters every man woman and child he can find that night, he sets the skies ablaze with his wrath and lets poison seep into the ground, the church calls it the apocalypse

wade buries peter’s body where they burned him, in place of a grave stone he grows a tree with purpled leaves and sweet black fruit, the likes of which had never before touched mortal soil

centuries pass and wade’s anger ebbs, humanity picks itself up from the ashes of it’s destruction, peter is pardoned and martyred, he becomes the patron saint of the sinner and friend of demons, wade gives his blessing to churches that worship him

time passes, wade gets bored and carves a place for himself among the humans, sometimes he rigs the city wide speaker system to play call me maybe on repeat, other times he enchants coffee shops so that no one can understand each other and sits back to watch the chaos, nobody is saying that he’s lost his edge, but wade’s heart just isn’t in his job anymore

there’s a falling star one day, it turns the sky green and explodes just on the outskirts of the town wade’s living in, the air smells like burnt flesh and feathers and wade tries not to get his hopes up, he really tries

he flies faster than he’s flown in centuries, peter crawled out of the crater with a bloody grin on his face and blackened wings, wade almost doesn’t want to touch him, like he’s afraid peter will disappear in a puff of smoke if he even breathes, but then peter is saying his name and wade is pulling peter into his arms and he’s laughing, the sound of peter’s voice is like water to wade’s parched ears

he asks peter why he left the pearly gates behind, peter just said it was boring without him around


	319. Chapter 319

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, monster au, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "idk where i've seen it, i think it was here, something about a Priest!Peter that when exorcises a demon he kindly asks them to find another place to stay and king demon!Wade hears about this priest that is kind to demons and goes looking for him? Do you have something more for this au? 'Cause I'm in love with this one."

wade takes peter around the world, showing him how things have changed in the last few centuries, they take selfies in the massive temple in europe dedicated to saint peter, the patron saint of sinners and demons, not the other one, it’s not a very good likeness and they both end up laughing in front of the worshipers

some demons that remember peter come out to say hi and thank him for all those years ago, peter teases wade for getting soft over the years

peter decides to take up the sainthood given him by the church and continues his work, which annoys wade to no end because you gave up heaven to work???, he still follows peter to the ends of the earth and back despite his complaining

speaking of ends of the earth, as a fallen angel peter can visit hell, and leave with wade’s favor, wade is a little embarrassed by the way his minions roll out the red carpet, because not only is wade finally going back home, but he’s bringing peter with him


	320. Chapter 320

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, injury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "Okee Imma write fic about this later? But I need some NOW but Peter keeps waking up at three am to various rehab villains in his house. Occasionally he's there therapist. Seriously. Bucky's almost always caught with chips stuffed in his mouth. Loki steals his ice cream ALL THE TIME. Wade at least has the decency to cook him breakfast befoe stealing his entire supply of Mayo. Occasionally, the Punisher comes to take some of his bread. He is going to fight the Avengers AND Daredevil if their pets-"

it starts out small, food goes missing and peter thinks with dread that his metabolism is speeding up even more, that is until he walks into the kitchen at three am and finds bucky with a handful of chips shoved in his mouth, peter flips off the light and goes back to bed, he’s too tired to deal with this

peter prays for patience when he finds the punisher and loki arguing over who gets the last of the naan one night, he leaves a note taped to the fridge that says if they’re going to steal his food they can at least pitch in for groceries, he ends up with a duffel bag full of blood stained bills, steve rogers’ credit card and on one notable morning the cullinan diamond, he fixes the sign to read legal us tender not stolen from a bank

he can’t sleep one night when bucky crawls in his window, he just sighs and pours more milk in the pot so he can make another mug of hot chocolate, bucky tells him about the way steve looks at him when his back is turned, the way he talks about bucky in past tense, peter tells him that steve is mourning, he just woke up from a coma to find everything completely different while bucky has had time to live and change, he tells bucky that he should talk to steve, tell him what he told peter

he introduces loki to netflix when he’s procrastinating a damage report for the avengers, he has to buy more fudge pops now, loki mostly complains about thor, how he’s too much, how he’s always pushing loki to be different, to be thor, guy’s got some serious family issues what with his father and all, peter tells him to set boundaries, and maybe stop lashing out when he’s angry, try to talk it out instead

peter has to get a bigger first aid kit after that time he had to stitch frank’s face back together, he doesn’t say it but he lets himself take one too many hits and it shows, he’s got a thrift store couch in the bathroom now for frank to sleep on when his ptsd gets bad and he vomits up everything he stole from the fridge, peter calls matt to come pick him up sometimes

wade is the only one that sticks around long enough to stay for breakfast, and he’s also the only one polite enough to make something for peter too when he cooks, peter has a weapons table next to the window, since none of them ever use the door, weapons go on the table when they come in, peter made that rule after wade spent three hours unloading and reloading the same handgun without saying a word, wade usually shows up when things get bad for him, like the time he put a bullet in a little girl’s head so she wouldn’t suffer anymore, talking to peter keeps him grounded, peter also nearly threw up when he walked in on wade eating an entire jar of mayonnaise like pudding

when peter complained to the avengers they just started to send a check every month for expected damages and first aid supplies, peter doesn’t complain as much anymore but he still grumbles about it


	321. Chapter 321

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, selfcest, au au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So something happens and a Spidey from one universe suddenly in a new one where there is also a Spidey. Two Spideys. HOWEVER. The one that got teleported, transported? To this new universe is totally dating Deadpool from his universe and is SHOCKED to find out that universe B Spidey has NOT yet to tap that. But Peter knows himself in ANY universe and totally knows universe B Peter is into Wade. He comes up with the best plan ever.1) First you invite him to dinner, have a good time,get to know him better. 2) You bring him home, TRUST ME, ME! 3) Let’s watch his brain melt while you and me make out. (because somehow Peter would be into it, it’s BASICALLY masturbation) Wade is pretty sure he finally died and went to heaven."

alright just for my sanity’s sake lets make the universe where all this is happening universe A with peter A that isn’t dating wade A, and peter B that is dating wade B pops over to universe A

tony’s wormhole device kind of… imploded and in the remains of his favorite workshop is none other than spiderman, all costumed up and very much confused, and tony knows immediately that this isn’t his spiderman partly because he’s got equipment for that, and partly because he says “woah, when did you get a goatee”

so tony tries to respect spidey’s privacy by dumping him on this world’s spidey while he figures shit out, peter A is not happy, he’s got enough shit to deal with and now he’s gotta babysit himself, it’s going to be a nightmare, he should know, he is peter

so peter A and B end up gossiping about their own worlds and they’re both huge nerds so it gets into this whole thing where they’re both going down a list of important historical events from their own timelines and then it’s everyone they know, and cap has a beard in universe B, which is super weird, peter B had a picture on his phone, peter B is also an avenger, so peter A hates him immediately

so over dinner they somehow got around to talking about wade and peter A nearly chokes on his drink when peter B starts gushing about his boyfriend, wade fucking wilson

peter B isn’t falling for any of peter A’s shit when peter A tries to deny how he feels about wade, so peter B decides to make it his mission to get universe A peter and wade together before he goes home

so wade is a little confused when peter texts him about dinner plans at his place, not that wade’s complaining, this is the first time peter has ever knowingly gave him access to his house, so he goes down to peter’s place 

but when peter opens the door and wade sees doubles, he’s got his gun out faster than any of them could blink, peter and peter had to explain the whole situation to wade to get him to calm down, and peter A gets mad at peter B for not telling him that he invited wade over

but they’re all there anyways, so they order in and end up squished together on the couch watching the new star wars movies on netflix, peter B is still frustrated that they cant just… *angry gestures* go faster

so he decides to take matters into his own hands, he straddles peter A and just locks their lips together and goes to town on him, and peter A is totally into it, well they both are, but peter A kinda realizes that wade is still in the room sitting right next to them when wade rips peter B off peter A

before anyone can say anything peter B vanishes with a pop and wade and peter are left alone in awkward silence, “……so……”

wade apologizes, says he just saw red and reacted, and peter laughs because he doesn’t know what else to do, he tells wade that peter B and wade B are dating and it seems to be working out pretty well for them so…. wanna give it a shot?


	322. Chapter 322

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Judge:** your sentence is death, you'll be hung

 **Peter:** [from the back of the court] HE'S ALREADY HUNG

 **Wade:** your honor, uncuff me so i can high five my boyfriend


	323. Chapter 323

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, canon au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if when the thing with the witch students happens Peter is in civis and things went like on earth 616. With Wade knowing who Peter Parker is, Peter runs a company, that's Spidey works for Peter Parker and that Wade shoot Peter and brought him back."
> 
> Referring to Spider-Man/Deadpool #1.MU

well the first thing wade says is something along the lines of you have got to be shitting me, because it’s always peter goddamn parker, isn’t it

peter brushes off the whole heartmates thing since, ya know, underage and inexperienced magic doesn’t exactly ping on his reliability radar, besides, he’s got things to do, dealing with a whole soulmates situation just isn’t on the table anyways

wade takes it a little more personal, fate may be one hell of a bitch, but maybe there was a reason for it all, a reason why every path always leads back to peter parker somehow, the golden child, if he were a hero he’d probably be superman or something, peter parker and his stupid fucking perfect face, he’s just always gotta be better than everybody

when spidey hands him the keys to his new custom car that probably costs more than most people are worth, it physically pains him to know that it was peter parker that got him and spidey awesome matching rides, physically pains him, but not enough to turn it down, gift is a gift after all

ok so maybe he can see where spidey gets all his weird hero worship crap about the guy from, mayyyybe he can see why he’s not such a bad guy, an asshole sure, but not a bad guy, maybe not even as hard to hang out with as previously thought

when mysterio starts sending ghosts to kill peter, wade finds himself reluctantly thrown into the middle of it all, spidey is suddenly suspiciously absent so wade decides to take on the protector role while he’s at this whole hero shtick, peter is being driven up the wall by wade because he can’t get away long enough to change into his alter ego

weaponized light seems to be the only thing so far that’s keeping the ghosts at bay, peter is just fucking tired at this point, wade tells him to get some shuteye already before he faints, and peter says yeah ok, i trust you, and he finally finally takes a goddamn nap, and suddenly wade has all these stupid feelings fluttering around in his stomach

its then that he realizes peter really is a goddamn saint, because what guy would forgive him for killing them, not once but twice, and trust him enough to be exposed and vulnerable around wade in a situation where the two of them are actively one step away from death’s door, so wade resolves to take the offered olive branch that peter keeps trying to metaphorically shove in his face

when the whole mess is over and peter can breath easy again, he gets a call from his favorite merc, but to his surprise, he’s not calling to see if spidey wants to hang out, he’s calling for peter, and peter can’t help the smile that creeps onto his face, because wade’s taking another step in the right direction, and he’s just happy he can be there while he’s moving forward


	324. Chapter 324

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [anierovengeance](https://anierovengeance.tumblr.com/), "Even when i'm dying for you, i never felt so alive."

“NO!” Peter slid to the edge of the platform, the gaping void of space looming below. “I’m not gonna make it!” peter screamed as he struggled to get back up on his feet.

“Deadpool to the rescue!” Wade slid in front of peter just in time to take a hammer to the face and go spinning out of sight.

“Wade, no!” peter yelled as he got back up and button mashed his way to taking out king dedede. “Fuck, what did you do that for?”

Wade grinned, “Even when I’m dying for you, I’ve never felt so alive.”

Peter laughed. “You coulda finished the stage without me.”

“And take all the glory and strippers right out from under your nose, petey pie?”

“Waaade.”

“Ah, shit. Now I gotta be mario again,” Wade grumbled. “Fucking subspace emissary.”


	325. Chapter 325

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter works for months on this project, he pours his heart and soul into it and steals plenty of stark tech to make sure everything works right, the paint job was custom made in a cad program and jarvis did the rest 

peter wrapped the whole thing up in gold gift wrap and stuck a giant red bow on top of it all, he yelled at wade to come outside, and wade eventually dropped out of the window of their flat, which is on the third floor, instead of using the stairs like a normal person

wade lights up when he sees the shiny bow, it’s obviously a motorcycle, peter is a shit wrapper, but he still squeals with excitement and tears through flimsy gold paper with a relish, the bike is beyond words, it’s sleek, it’s custom made from the ground up, and it’s bright red with his logo plastered all over it, peter even put a pinup of spiderman on the side, it was so perfect he could cry

but wait, it gets better, peter had said, wade hadn’t believed him, wade had been a doubting bastard, the bike had heated seats and rocket launchers and _knife launchers_ and could outrun iron man if he tried, and peter had even taken the liberty of uploading his itunes playlist, in short it was fucking awesome

best. birthday present. ever.


	326. Chapter 326

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you write something in all dialogue (or mostly dialogue)?"

“Hey, baby boy. You seen my good belt?” Wade yelled from the bedroom.

“Under the bed,” Peter yelled back from the kitchen.

“Do you know where my-”

“First drawer in the nightstand.”

“…and-”

“In the fridge where you always put your keys because you’re too damn lazy to put them down before you start stuffing your face.”

Wade poked his head out of the bedroom to glare in Peter’s general direction. “WELL HOW ABOUT-”

“In the-”

“It’s up my ass, that’s where!”

“Wade, i swear to god, if you stick that fucking submachine gun up your ass again I’m leaving you. I mean it this time.”

Wade walked into the kitchen, still buckling his belt. “Yeah, yeah. Lesson already learned.”

Peter got wade’s keys out of the fridge and handed them to wade, who grabbed his hand instead and pulled him close. “You know where my goodbye kiss went?” Wade asked with a grin.

Peter smiled back and wrapped his arms around Wade’s neck. “Yeah, I do. C’mere, handsome.”

Peter planted a lingering kiss on Wade’s lips and Wade took the opportunity to squeeze Peter’s ass. Peter laughed and pushed him away.

“Asshole,” Peter said fondly. “Don’t forget to pick up some milk on your way home.”

“Right. Save the world, get milk, come home and make love to my amazing boyfriend. All in a day’s work for Captain Deadpool.”

“Oh my god, Wade.”


	327. Chapter 327

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, kidnapping, drugs, gaslighting, abusive relationship, dysfunctional relationship, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Somebody clones wade. He’s got all the same skills/talents as deadpool but a comPLETELY different personality. He also feels an insanely draw to spiderman/peter, wade is not amused."

nobody really knows where he came from or why he even existed, peter just found him naked and bleeding on his new couch one morning and threw him in the shower with a fresh change of clothes, that’s where all similarities stopped

“Hey, thanks. Who are you?”

at first peter thought wade had just crossed one too many wires in his brain before it rebooted and whatever this amnesia thing was, it would go away in a matter of hours, it didn’t

wade didn’t wear a mask anymore, said he made peace with himself, he did yoga at 5am and cooked spinach quiche, he judged peter for his lifestyle choices and volunteered at a pet shelter, all on his own, it was like freaky friday

and then the real wade showed up, peter just barely jumped onto the ceiling before the bullets were flying, peter webbed them both up and brought them to the lab, bruce confirmed they were genetically identical, they all spent far to long trying to decide which was the evil twin, they both insisted on being called wade, eventually they settled on wade and nice wade, nice wade maybe wasn’t as nice as he claimed to be

peter still couldn’t get nice wade to go the fuck home, well more like he certainly couldn’t get him to leave if the only other option is rooming with wade, they had become instant mortal enemies, so nice wade stayed on peter’s couch

peter realized somewhere along the way that nice wade kept making excuses or deflecting as soon as peter mentioned him moving out, he also badmouthed wade, like a lot, peter got a haircut and only realized much later that he did it because of something nice wade had said that just lingered

peter finds himself avoiding his own house a lot, he stays on wade’s couch sometimes, and then nice wade gets a cat, it’s a ploy to get peter back home more often and it works, wade decides that nice wade is the evil twin

peter straight up bolts when nice wade kisses him the first time, he doesn’t contact anyone and wade starts getting concerned when he hasn’t heard from his favorite wall crawler in a week, and then he’s just back

nice wade takes more and more liberties with peter because peter isn’t used to having to build such blatant boundaries, so he lets nice wade yank him around, peter is always happy to help

wade kidnaps peter to bring him to the avengers tower where the team stages an intervention, peter tries to brush them off, he keeps saying that he’s fucking spiderman, he’s stronger than almost everybody here, he can take care of himself, he’s a grown ass man and nice wade is just still trying to find his place in the world, none of it gets to him

peter starts to realizes something is very wrong when nice wade has his cat declawed without telling him, said it was to keep her from fucking with the furniture, peter is upset and says so, nice wade turns it on peter and makes peter feel like the bad guy for getting mad, after all nice wade was just trying to help, peter moves his cat to wade’s house and pretends she ran away

peter gets hurt bad in a fight and nice wade freaks out, he gives peter pain killers while he’s recovering, peter doesn’t think to ask where nice wade got them, it’s rather hard to think when his brain isn’t fully online, peter hasn’t put on the suit in a long time, on the off chance that he pushes through the haze enough to remember it, he can never find it, he usually gets distracted and forgets anyways

peter is too out of it to notice when nice wade packs up peter and a suitcase full of his things into a taxi, he doesn’t notice the explosion or the smell of smoke on nice wade’s clothes, he doesn’t realize he’s not even in his own home

wade goes ballistic when he hears about the fire, he’s there before they clear it to the police, his stomach drops when he finds a soot covered skeleton, he finds the nearest cop and sticks a gun in their face and tells them they had better get that fucking forensic autopsy done in record goddamn time or they’d be needing another body bag

the skeleton isn’t peter, its some john doe that was lifted from the local morgue, so that begs the question, where the fuck is peter


	328. Chapter 328

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, kidnapping, drugs, gaslighting, abusive relationship, dysfunctional relationship, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "pls continue the clone Wade story!!!"

the police start checking every car going out of the city, shield starts surveillance city wide and the avengers start searching with wade, peter’s face is plastered on everything, aunt may has already called about a million times, she’s already threatened death if peter isn’t back home tonight, she’s scared

wade isn’t even a person right now, he’s a machine, he’s been systematically directing a sweep through the city, he would of continued on like that for weeks if wanda hadn’t asked where wade would have taken him, it snaps him out of it a little bit, he asks her why she said that, and she has to be the one to remind him that they’re literally the same person

so wade gives up searching and he sits down on the side of the road to think, if he were fleeing the city and wanted to make it seem like peter was dead, where would he go, the explosion had probably been on a delayed timer, so evil wade would have already been long gone by the time they noticed, and the skeleton was obviously a distraction to keep them from searching while he had time to make his escape

alright, so they’re out of the city, peter wouldn’t go willingly so he had to be either drugged, unconscious, or restrained and unable to help himself, peter has super strength so unconscious is his best bet, wade has a distinctive face so he’d be in disguise, he’s also shallow as fuck when it comes to his own face, so if evil wade has his hands on an image inducer it’s going to be his old face, he calls shield and tells them to search for his old face at airports, they get a hit in minutes

wade has to convince shield not to force the plane down, if evil wade thinks his plan is going to shit, he’d be more than willing to take out everyone else on the plane to get away, maybe even peter too

so instead tony personally flies wade out to the middle of fucking nowhere, which really wade should have guessed that much, he has a safe house buried underground for when the zombie apocalypse happens, almost forgot about it too

when evil wade shows up it’s to a dozen weapons pointed in his face and a lot of pissed off supers, he knows when he’s beat, so he pulls a gun on peter, who is too out of it to realize what’s going on, he threatens to shoot peter if he doesn’t get a private jet, cash and supplies

the rest of the avengers are scrambling to get everything evil wade asked for when wade just pulls the trigger and sends a bullet through his double’s head, he melts into the ground as wade picks peter up and holds him close against his chest

everybody called wade crazy for shooting, but wade said he knew himself, and when peter recovers enough to talk, he’s not surprised, he always said wade would never hurt him


	329. Chapter 329

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade once got haunted by the spirit of a little girl that got hit by a car outside his house, for like three months, he didn’t even notice, it takes peter coming over and saying hey do your walls normally bleed like that?, i just used your bathroom and i stg somebody wrote get out on the mirror while i was in there??, wade there is literally a bleeding toddler in your hallway and she’s floating and i’m not touching that shit, what the _actual fuck_ is going on?????, and wade is kinda like oh shit you can see her too, that means i actually have a problem


	330. Chapter 330

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/), "Wade the bouncer. Peter just wants to dance."

peter i swear i’m 25 parker has a baby face and it haunts his every waking day, nobody takes him seriously, and right now he can’t get into the club the rest of his friends just walked into

peter even has his birth certificate and passport this time, but the asshole bouncer just tells him he’s trying too hard, so peter pulls out the big guns and looks up a highschool photo of himself and mj, who’s already inside, it’s in the newspaper and everything, wade just whistles low and tells him that he’s really dedicated to this, most impressive try he’s ever seen, id even looked real

and peter is just fucking seething because it is fucking real asshat, peter decides to wait outside for his friends to drunkenly realize that he’s still not inside yet and come looking for him, he and wade end up talking, wade asks if peter is in college, peter tells him he already graduated with a ba in mechanical engineering, tells him about the redesigned carbon nanotube armour that got him his degree, which he then sold the rights to tony stark for the avengers, had enough to just straight up buy a house after that, no loans, so he did

wade’s actually pretty interested in the armour from the way peter described it, said he wished they had something that good back when he was in the military, peter asked him which branch, wade just grinned and said he was in the canadian version of black ops, peter asked oh yeah and what did you do, and wade pulls the i’d have to kill you if i told you

it’s late when wade says alright, i believe you, you’re not a highschooler, and peter laughs because he’s already tired and he can see his friends leaving the club completely wasted, lot of good it does him now, and wade says hey sorry about not believing you maybe i can make it up to you sometime, here’s my number

and peter doesn’t really have time to react, his friends are pulling him away already and just like that they’re all shoved in a cab and headed elsewhere, mj asks where he was, and peter says i think i got the bouncer’s number


	331. Chapter 331

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter who is more spider-like: fangs, 8 eyes, extra limbs (spider or otherwise), spider-like markings, actual webbing his body makes, the whole shebang. Who doesn't leave the house without the suit. Who is just as adamant as Wade that no one sees his face. Who might actually be able to talk to spiders."

aunt may hides peter, she tells everyone that peter died years ago, there was a funeral and everything, peter lives in his room, aunt may was the one that gave him the idea to make a costume to go out, she helped him learn to cut and sew fabric and helped him design the suit, peter is the one that decides he wants to help people, may isn’t happy about peter putting himself in danger, but it gives peter something to live for, and that’s something she hasn’t seen in years

so peter becomes spiderman, he lives so much of his life as the masked vigilante that he starts sleeping on rooftops in web hammocks, you’d be hard pressed to find peter outside his suit, and by that point it becomes a phobia, peter can’t leave his suit, he’s terrified of being found out

peter always goes home eventually, he does have a small collection of spiders he’s caught and kept in tanks, they’re like family now, he’s found that he can communicate with them to some extent, it’s more general feelings or warnings, but he’s been trying to develop a kind of sign language they can all use

peter keeps to himself even as spiderman, the other heroes leave him alone and he leaves them alone, it works, until deadpool, he’d come crashing in gushing about how spiderman is his favorite hero and had begged for a teamup, peter had been annoyed but didn’t see the harm in it just this once, except it wasn’t just that once, wade kept coming back again and again

but instead of getting more annoying peter found that having wade around to fill the silence was actually pretty… nice, wade was the only person he really talked to besides aunt may, and aunt may always had that look in her eyes, even if she didn’t mean it, it always hit deep realizing that she pities him

when wade calls peter his friend for the first time peter almost cried, he found himself growing closer to wade, and respected that he also didn’t like to go unmasked

peter accidentally saw wade without his mask, it was ripped off during a fight and he dropped everything to cover his head, he ended up with a metal pole in his chest for the trouble, peter tried not to look and threw him an extra spiderman mask he had with him, wade is weird after that, he’s muted, doesn’t look for peter as often, hasn’t called him a friend in too long, and peter panics, because wade is the only friend he’s ever known and he’s losing him

he confronts wade and asks if it was the mask, and wade admits that people usually disappear after they see his face, he was just trying to distance himself for when peter left, and peter gets so fucking angry, like you think you’re the only one with problems, you should see my face, and wade laughs at him because what could be worse than his ground beef face, so peter takes off the mask and it’s just dead silence while wade takes him in and peter realizes what he’s done, he shoves the mask back on over the marks and the eyes and the fangs, and he runs

he hides out in his room for weeks, aunt may tries to talk to him, but peter isn’t really in the mood for pity, he just ruined the only friendship he’s ever had, and he feels like shit and maybe he just wants to keep feeling like shit until the end of time

and maybe he would have continued on that way if aunt may hadn’t dragged him excitedly downstairs to the tv where the local news channel was watching wade spray paint a giant “SORRY I WUZ A DICK” message on the side of the trump world tower, and peter realizes he’s laughing and may is hugging him and telling him to go talk to wade

so he does and wade says he’s stupid for deciding for peter that he’d leave and he tries to get out his phone bc i swear i’ve got a playlist i just made called please take me back, and peter just tells him to shut up and pulls both their masks over their noses and kisses him, and for one blissful second wade is quiet

as soon as peter steps back wade licks the blood off his lips and tells peter he likes the fangs


	332. Chapter 332

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, character death, police au, no powers au

peter is the spider, an international jewel thief famous for leaving a calling card the night before the robbery, detailing exactly when and what he’s going to steal, no one has ever seen his face and he’s never come close to being caught

wade is a retired criminal mastermind and currently head of the interpol task force solely for the spider, they’ve been doing this dance for years now and it never gets any less frustrating, the spider is always ten steps ahead of him, and every time they think they’ve got a lead it either turns out to be bogus or a dead end

peter has been working as an interpol agent for most of his life, it’s actually how he came about his more fun profession, he’d been lucky enough to get assigned to wade’s task force, and he’s milking it for everything he’s worth, he’d actually been planning on hanging up the mask a long time ago, but then wade stepped into the picture and it all just became so addicting, wade wilson is his match in every way and he’s just waiting for the day he finally gets caught by the man

wade has a begrudging respect for the spider, he can recognize genius when it slaps him in the face, it’s become a bit of an obsession now, he can make his peace after he catches the spider

there’s been a new guy on the task force that’s been standing out to wade, not because he’s good at what he does, no, it’s because he’s so fucking _utterly incompetent_ at everything he does, how the rookie made it this far is beyond wade

unfortunately the longer peter is around, the more _aware_ of him wade becomes, he’ll admit that maybe he’s attracted to the guy, but more than that he starts realizing that peter is smart, like scary smart, in minutes he picked apart past heists the spider pulled, that kind of insight took wade years of experience to gain


	333. Chapter 333

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, character death, police au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Interpol but theyre both the shit i am thriving"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More international thief peter please!”

peter the interpol agent always gets stuck doing something stupid when the spider shows up, like trying to find parking, getting his zipper caught on the door frame, getting his shoe stolen by a dog, getting lost in the building, forgetting his gun in the car

and in one memorable incident the spider managed to escape solely because peter reported over the coms that the spider was in the opposite side of the museum he was robbing, which led to most of the team being absent when the spider showed up and was able to make an easy escape

the spider saved wade’s life once, he’d been chasing the spider on the rafters of an abandoned warehouse and slipped, the spider had caught him and saved him from plummeting to his doom, in return he let the spider go the one time he actually caught the thief, no one else was around so he’s the only one that knows how close he got

the strange thing about the spider is that the jewels he steals never turn up in the black market anywhere, as far as they can tell he doesn’t even have a special buyer or a middleman, and everyone knows there are plenty of people that have been trying to buy

peter has a secret room in his house hidden behind a bookcase where he keeps his spoils, on christmas every year he sends wade a jewel he’d stolen just to rub it in his face, and that way wade gets to close an extra case just before the year ends, it really is a gift in peter’s mind, wade just thinks he’s being taunted

eventually wade notices something, it’s small, when he had been chasing the spider he’d watched the guy slam his shoulder into the wall when the cable he’d been climbing got cut, and the next day peter flinched when he put his hand on peter’s shoulder, after that he became hyper aware of how peter seemed to understand the spider better than any of them, of how peter seemed to pull the slightest detail out of thin air, of how peter always gets hurt the day after the spider shows up in the same way the spider gets hurt

wade invites himself over to peter’s little apartment, peter is the perfect host, he’s tripping over himself to get wade some coffee, and wade tries not to think about how adorable it is that peter thought he could fool wade, wade finds the door behind the bookcase and goes into the room, inside is every single gemstone and piece of jewelry peter has ever stolen, it’s a treasure trove and everything is set up in its own little display with a little card fondly marking the name and date each piece was stolen

wade turns around when he hears the click of a loaded gun, peter tells him to slowly reach down and put his gun on the floor and then kick it over to peter, he does, peter sighs and asks when he figured it out, and wade tells him it was when peter stole the 20 million dollar heart of the ocean replica in france

peter tells wade that he was sad to see the game come to an end but at least they’ll always have paris, he tells wade that he’s welcome to everything in the house, the diamonds included, peter steals a kiss while holding wade at gunpoint, and then he’s gone

wade hadn’t been expecting peter to be so ready to burn his old identity and run, he knows it’s pointless, but he keeps searching for peter parker long after it’s agreed that he’s gone, long since the last time he left his calling card

many many years later wade gets a letter in the mail, it just has his name on the back in fancy cursive and no return address or stamps, he recognizes the handwriting immediately and opens the letter, the only thing inside is a single small card with a location and the words “my heart” written in black ink, wade takes a trip to france, he visits the hospital and goes to the room number written on the card

peter is laying in a hospital bed, only breathing with the help of a machine, wade knocks loudly on the doorframe to get peter’s attention, peter smiles when he sees wade

the first thing wade can think to say is, couldn’t do paris?, and peter laughs, it sounds bad and he winces in pain, peter is frank, he tells wade that he’s dying, says he wanted to say goodbye to his favorite person first

wade is angry and a little scared, he tells peter he spent his whole life chasing after him, what’s he supposed to do when peter is gone, peter grabs wade’s hands and holds them tight, he tells wade he can do whatever he wants, and wade tries to hold back the tears and tells peter it just wont be the same without him, and peter tells wade that he loves him, and wade says i know

a month later wade does something he thought he’d put behind him a long time ago, he steals the heart of the ocean, the same one peter stole when wade figured him out, he thought it would be fitting when he flew back to france and buried peter in a grave marked with the wrong name, he’s the only one at the funeral, he leaves a dozen red roses on peter’s grave, and he finally says too late, i loved you too


	334. Chapter 334

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, character death, police au, no powers au

i also had an alternate ending in mind too

wade mourns peter and moves on, sort of, he moves to paris so he can visit peter’s grave more, he gives up on his job and spends most of his time visiting museums and mapping out how peter would have stolen paintings and vases and gemstones

he’s got a therapist now, she tells him he needs to find a new direction in life, he keeps telling her he’s working on it, she tells him it’s okay to mourn, but eventually he needs to move on with his own life, live for himself

and that’s what wade is trying to do, trying to give himself a schedule and go to the store every week, the store where he sees peter buying a baguette, he almost doesn’t do anything, he’s partly convinced he’s hallucinating, but he snaps out of it pretty quick and chases the guy outside, he grabs his shoulder and turns him around and the look of shock on peter’s face is all he needs, “you ASSHOLE! I PAID FOR YOUR FUCKING FUNERAL!”

and peter tries to talk his way out of this one, he says he did it so he could escape and wade could move on with his life, and wade punches him because he’s just so fucking angry right now, he angry whispers that he buried the heart of the sea with an empty casket, and peter can’t help but laugh because of course wade did

a month later wade’s old colleges get save the date invitations to their wedding, nobody says anything about how wade’s fiance looks exactly like the dead spider, and nobody mentions how the bolo tie peter wears with his wedding tuxedo looks suspiciously like the missing heart of the sea


	335. Chapter 335

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, magic au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade the wizard meets peter the scientist"

peter “that which you call magic is just science that has yet to be understood” the scientist and wade “fuck you i can throw fire” the wizard are instant enemies, everything peter wants to come at with a plan wade will crash through without a second thought, peter is constantly on edge just trying to keep wade alive, because contrary to wade “i’m fucking invincible” wilson, magic doesn’t mean you’re immortal, and peter is always the one that has to stitch him back up afterwards, he’s always grumbling about how he’s not a people doctor

wade is always wearing these giant ass heavy cloaks and capes that are totally unnecessary, entirely because they look cool when he uses magic to make them billow dramatically, but peter can’t complain, he once put off debuting a new invention because it looked ugly and chunky, he puts so many unnecessary lights on things purely because it looks cool

even if they spend so much time bickering like an old married couple, they still make a great team, with wade as a powerhouse and peter to direct and work alongside him they’re basically unbeatable together


	336. Chapter 336

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, avengers, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), ""Peter, what is that?" "Nothing, nothing" "Then why are you hiding it behind your legs?" "ItS NOtHiNg" "IS THAT VENOM AS ADOG?" "WADE SAID HE'D HELP ME TAKE CARE OF IT" "YOUR MONSTEROUS AND CRAZY BOYFRIEND PROMISING TO HELP TAKE CARE OF AN EQUALLY MONSTEROUS AND CRAZY BEING IN THE FORM OF A DOG DOES NOT REASSURE ME" "HES NOT MONSTEROUS" "THATS NOT THE POINT" "TONY HES MY DOG AND I LOVE HIM" "HES A MONSTER THATS TRIED TO KILL YOU MULTIPLE TIMES" "SHUT UP" "DONT STORM OUT OF HERE WITH VENOM DOG""

peter and wade as stupid teens that think they can tame venom as long as they artificially keep the symbiote trapped in a dog, peter can’t risk keeping venom at home with aunt may so they try to sneak it into the tower where wade’s been staying after he ran away from home, unfortunately jarvis is a snitch and they get caught pretty fast

tony thinks its a terrible fucking idea and bruce looks like he’d like nothing more than to hulk smash the symbiote through the window, natasha is firmly against letting an enemy into their home, and sam tells them that they’re fucking crazy

clint is weak because look at the sad little face guys, its not like he can get out of there, and steve says it might be a good way to teach the boys responsibility, and bucky agrees with him because steve’s all alone right now, not because he actually thinks it’s a good idea, rhodey talks tony down from evicting wade from the tower and the boys get to keep venom

venom is a pet owner’s worst nightmare, not only is venom sentient, but venom is also the saltiest fucking prisoner ever, they’ll go out of their way to tear up wade and peter’s things that mean the most to them and piss all over wade’s bed and bite everybody that tries to pet them, but they also have two super powered pet owners to keep them in check, so it just barely balances out

maybe the dog brain surges to take over when things like treats and walks and the vet are mentioned, it disgusts venom when they find themselves wagging their tail when wade comes home or peter comes to visit, and when wade and peter get attacked in their civvies and venom’s collar with the serum keeping him trapped in the dog breaks, venom finds itself staying to save the both of them instead of themself


	337. Chapter 337

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [cansherlocksolverubikscubes](https://cansherlocksolverubikscubes.tumblr.com/), "Hey! I absolutly love everything on here! This is quite literally the only thing I get Tumblr notifications for. Could you do something where Peter and wade are kinky and then do something domestic like cooking for the family? Thank you! I always look forward to reading your stuff!"

ho boy have i been itching to read something with the title 5 Times Peter and Wade Almost Get Caught Fooling Around and the One Time Wade Realizes Ellie Knows What Sex Is

but seriously they can’t keep their hands off each other, if peter didn’t set timers they’d have already burned the house down by now just forgetting something on the stove, they’re both very easily distracted

they’ve stopped being so handsy on missions just because of that one time they narrowly avoided getting caught with wade’s dick in peter’s mouth in an alley, they spent the rest of the day laughing about it

then there was that time at the tower where peter helped wade fulfill his fantasy of fucking on captain america’s bed, they had to hide in the closet and sneak out when steve took a shower

and that time peter wanted to fuck on the ceiling, which required a lot of planning and acrobatics and was ultimately ruined when aunt may unexpectedly came to visit and peter panicked and got wade tangled in webbing

and that time peter and wade decided to get freaky in the back of a shield jet, and just barely got their suits back on when the pilot came back to check on them

and that time they tried to do it inside the statue of liberty on a day it was supposed to be closed, peter had to haul them both out of the gaps in the crown to avoid being caught by the security guard

peter and wade were just laying in bed together in their underwear enjoying a day off when ellie came home from school, she runs in and jumps on the bed to get them to wake up and wade smiles and tells her okay just let daddy get dressed first, and ellie says ok, and then she asks if wade was naked because he was having sex, and peter cracks up while wade turns red and demands to know who in the hell told ellie what sex was, peter thinks its fucking hilarious and wade just keeps telling him to shut up it wasn’t that funny, i don’t want my daughter to know that i have sex


	338. Chapter 338

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "deadpool going shopping for dinner and needs cabbage, insert mysterious vendor who get helped by deadpool and gives him a mysterious cabbage that looks pretty ok i guess. turns out its a rare magical plant that gets you pregnant with the spawn of you and whomever you eat it with"

so mpreg is actually on my list of things that squick me out, how about i go the momotaro route and just make the cabbage a magic egg or something

wade you were supposed to buy more mayo says peter who still doesn’t have any mayonnaise, wade is confused too, he doesn’t remember where he got a cabbage in new york in the middle of winter, and he’s not sure he even made it to the store and he certainly doesn’t remember coming back, so peter puts the cabbage in the fridge and wade goes out again and gets mayo and they both forget about it

later that night they were woken up by the echoing cries of a baby, peter wanted to just call the cops because he’s had this exact nightmare before and everybody ends up dead by the end of it, but wade insists it’s probably just his laptop he left open or something, so peter follows wade into the kitchen where they can clearly hear a baby crying inside the fridge, so wade readies his gun and peter throws open the door and the crying gets louder, and they find a blue baby with six arms and eyes sitting in the remains of the cabbage, and peter asks wade again where the fuck he got that cabbage

peter and wade aren’t really sure what the hell they’re supposed to do with a baby, they can’t really bring her to the police, she’s obviously a mutant, she’d be worse off in the system, so peter and wade maybe get costumed up and break into the avengers tower to ask jarvis for help, because what the hell does she eat

tony is the one that catches them red handed, raiding the fridge and arguing about whether or not her already developed fangs meant she could eat cheerios, and tony is just like fucks sake you’re holding her wrong, and he takes her and for the first time since they found her she stops crying, so peter and wade try to get tony’s opinion on what she should eat and tony takes her to the lab and hooks her up to make sure he can see all her vitals while they feed her baby formula, and it doesn’t fuck with her system so that’s what they stick with

natasha wanders into the lab in her pjs to make sure there’s nothing life threatening going on, she sees the baby and says if anyone lets it touch her she’ll break their arm, bucky comes running in a while later and spends some time letting the baby hold his finger, it’s been a long time since he’s seen a baby

while he’s at it tony does a dna test and confirms that she’s biologically peter and wade’s, and peter asks wade again where in the hell he got that cabbage, they name her mary, because peter promised mj he’d name his firtsborn after her in exchange for a bag of triscuits in fourth grade, and as mary rapidly discovers her powers and does not try at all to control them, peter and wade ends up coming back to the tower for babysitter tony stark so they can get some goddamn sleep

she grows on natasha eventually, and natasha claims her as her godchild when mary says her favorite hero is black widow, peter and tony get mad when she gifts mary with a little toddler sized knife, wade nearly cries with pride when mary stabs him in the ankle and runs off, she’s definitely his daughter


	339. Chapter 339

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade doesn’t know peter is spiderman, and peter, who is jealous of wade’s star-struck crush on captain America (the guy’s cool ok but wade talks about him everyday and peter has started to count how many times he’s mentioned in a day and frankly he’s just sick of it) unconsciously tries to impress deadpool as spiderman and draw his attention away from the captain."

peter works at the tower as an intern, and since he’s the only one that actually talks to deadpool, wade has started hanging around him a lot more, and peter had never really noticed it before but fuck does wade talk about captain america a lot, and for whatever reason it’s really starting to grate on his nerves, he can understand the hero worship, cap had been peter’s hero as a kid too, but then he met the guy in real life and he’s just some huge nerd that looks like a beefcake and starts shit just to start shit and makes dumb choices like jumping out a plane without a parachute, which is totally why peter tried it that one time, never again

point is, he’s not _that_ great, so he doesn’t see why wade is always singing his praises, spiderman is way cooler, right?, but wade hardly ever talks about spiderman, it gets even worse when cap invites him to start a trial run for the avengers, and wade has to sing his goddamn praises because apparently steve goddamn rogers hung the fucking stars in the sky and single handedly convinced all the other avengers to give him a chance, pthhhhhhh

so peter starts trying to get wade’s attention more when he’s out and about web slinging and stopping crime, he even sought out wade just to ask him for a team up, wade talked his ear off the whole time at an excited pitch that just grated, but it was worth it when he came in to work that day and wade spent the whole time gushing about how The Spiderman asked him for a team up, ASKED HIM

so peter starts going out of his way to find wade and talk with him as spiderman, and when he invents new gear he makes sure that wade is the first one to see it in action, and he’s always doing more flips than necessary around wade just to show off, and he’s pleased with the results, somewhere along the way he realizes that what he really wants to do is monopolize wade like all the time, like boyfriend kind of thing, so he asks wade out while he’s in the suit and to his surprise wade turns him down, like he honestly hadn’t been expecting that at all, and he’s got a broken ego to sooth so he asks wade why and wade just says there’s somebody else

and peter sees red and he’s ready to punch captain america in his perfect goddamn face, he’s still ready to throw down when he walks into work, wade catches him and peter is barely even paying attention when he talks and just grunts in agreement occasionally, which is how he accidentally agreed to a date, and peter just short circuits, because he hadn’t been expecting that one at all, wade always manages to throw him off


	340. Chapter 340

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, horror, character death, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "A fairy tale alternate universe, but also horror. -S"

for lack of a better description, wade is otherworldly, peter can’t really decide if that means beautiful or not, wade is just so entirely other that he can’t decide if its a good thing or a bad thing, sometimes his mortal eyes just can’t comprehend him, his voice is the same, like it’s always flitting in and out of this existence

the first time peter saw him, he ran, he ran back to his great uncle’s house where he was staying in the uk for the summer while aunt may had surgery, and he told his great uncle about the person he’d seen just standing in a shallow pool of water, his great uncle had locked all the doors last night and given peter a very short list of things he should not do, don’t go outside at night, never go so far that he can’t see the house anymore, and don’t talk to the fair folk

the idea of the fair folk entranced peter instantly, he asked all sorts of questions, how did they use magic, can they travel across worlds, what do they usually look like, what do they eat, when do they come out, where do they live, his great uncle tried to distill a healthy fear of them by telling peter every sad tale he could think of of children being spirited away and people found dead in fairy circles

too bad peter was more curious than scared, the very next day he went back to the pool of water and found a fairy ring sitting just under the surface of the crystal clear pool, remembering what his great uncle had said about fairy rings, peter took a step into the center and his stomach dropped

peter woke up but he still felt groggy, his limbs all felt heavy and his eyes blurred no matter how hard he tried to focus, strong arms helped him to his feet and peter just barely recognized the stranger from yesterday, he remembered what his great uncle had said about being polite but not too polite and nodded his head in thanks rather than saying it aloud, afterwards, peter didn’t remember a lot about what had happened on the other side, but he does remember his mother’s hands, he doesn’t tell his great uncle

he goes back each day, and each day the otherworldly stranger helps him to his feet and shows him something new and familiar, at the end of every day peter wants to leave less and less

one day he asks the creature, wade, what he has to do to stay, and wade tells him that there is only one thing here that makes him leave, he touched peter’s chest just over his heart and peter asked how he was supposed to get rid of it

when peter didn’t come home that night, his great uncle began to get worried and started searching for peter in the woods behind the house, he found peter’s cold body submerged in a crystal clear pond in the center of a fairy ring, the coroner said it was the strangest thing, no incisions or anything, it was almost like he’d been born without a heart


	341. Chapter 341

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, zookeeper au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Zoo keeper AU where peter is in charge of the creepy crawly exhibit. and the venom boys are just different deadly spiders that peter can somehow get cuddly with. wade is still wade and he needed a place to hunker down the one time peter had to stay overnight"

so peter isn’t technically supposed to handle the most dangerous spiders in the collection, but he’s the poor sap that has to milk them for their venom, the local college campus does a lot of work on antivenom and partner with the zoo to get poisons and venoms from some of their less friendly residents, peter still makes sure to cover every inch of skin in thick gloves and all, but like he’s still crazy

his two favorites are the new species that came in last year from the middle of nowhere in the desert, one is red and one is black and they’re about the side of peter’s palm and they have twisted little bodies and white markings on their back that look almost like skulls, peter loves them to death

he takes his job very seriously and helps kids fall in love with his creepy crawlies, spiders are so underappreciated tbh, he’s always happy to pull out betty, the oldest tarantula they have, and let her crawl into little kids’ hands, she’s such a sweetheart and she’s always patient with the little ones, she knows she gets treats for this too so she’s always on her best behavior, yeah peter is the crazy spider guy, which is why he volunteered to stay the night to get footage of his favorite arachnids going about their lives when the sun goes down

wade accidentally pissed off the wrong guy and was looking for a place to lay low until the mutant dogs got called off, he hopped over the zoo wall and had to scramble out of the alligator exhibit, been there done that before, fuckers had vices for mouths, so he found the nearest building and locked himself inside, he realized after the fact that he trapped himself in the creepy crawly house of horrors

and he was also being stared at, by an actual person, he had to tackle peter when he started reaching for his phone, he felt a little bad about smashing it on the concrete, but he really didn’t need to be found right now, wade handcuffed peter to a pole in the middle of the room with the pink fluffy cuffs he had on hand and said sorry about this, but peter is fucking mad, what the shit ive got a job to do what the hell is wrong with you

wade sits down across from peter and tells him he really needs to shut the hell up right now otherwise he’s going to knock peter out and that’s going to be less fun, so peter closes his mouth but he’s not happy about it, peter falls asleep like that and when he wakes up it’s to his boss using a bolt cutter to get him free, peter didn’t get blamed for any of it since the camera had been rolling the whole time

a new phone shows up at the spider exhibit with peter’s name on it, there’s one number in there already and it just has a text that reads, sorry about killing your phone and holding you hostage, was running from mutant fish dogs, is this a bad time to ask you out


	342. Chapter 342

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jeweler au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "inspired by the interpol AU wherein peter parkers day job is a jeweler and makes beautiful moving jewelry but theres this asshole in a red costume that steals his world renowned work. maybe a golden red and black studded choker with a tracker can finally land him a date"

at first peter was fucking mad, some asshole was targeting his pieces and he couldn’t figure out why, and then he was flattered because some asshole is going out of his way to risk life and limb to make the world’s largest collection of peter’s work, peter denies he’s been watching the news, hoping to get a glimpse of the guy every time he releases a new piece

the guy is a shadow, he’s broken into places that were locked down tighter fort knox, peter is impressed, he’s never met anybody that liked his work this much before, so when they finally get a mask to stick to the thief, peter grins, he knows exactly what to do

he spends months designing and crafting his perfect piece, it’s fitted to what he can best estimate is his secret admirer’s neck size, it’s gold and it’s got black and red gemstones studded around the whole thing, and behind the biggest stone is a tracker, and the best part is, it’s a one use kind of thing, whoever puts it on, can’t get it off without the key, but he doesn’t tell anybody about that part

and when the choker is stolen, peter pulls out his handy dandy tracker and knocks on wade’s front door, the guy is wearing a big ass scarf around his neck to hide the choker and peter just grins and invites himself in, i wanted to meet my biggest fan


	343. Chapter 343

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, xmen, d&d au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter and wade playing D&D with some choice characters and professor X as DM ? somehow they get hooked"

peter brings his swishy elf reincarnation to the table and wade has a lady half orc that eviscerates her enemies and is a gentle but passionate lover, his words

they started a d&d group on the down low but professor x got wind of it when they were asking around for more people to join and volunteered himself as the dm, so far he’s the best and worst dm they’ve ever had, wade claims professor x has a sadistic streak a mile wide otherwise why would he use his mind reading powers to individually fuck their characters over throughout the game

they got tony who was a huge d&d nerd back in college and couldn’t wait at the chance to reveal his new dwarven cleric that learned to harness mana like electricity and makes magic powered gadgets

tony brought along rhodey who still knows how to play from when tony dragged him into it in college, he’s a bard and insists that he can’t be anything else, tony regales everybody with tales of college rhodey the bard who once took one for the team and fucked the troll guarding a bridge that wouldn’t let them pass without payment, and the innkeeper to get free booze, and the dragon he didn’t want to fight, and one memorable time a zombie simply because he could

natasha shows up and demands that she be allowed to be a dragon, like not a dragonborn character, a straight up dragon, she hoards princesses and is convinced that everyone in her team is a weird looking princess, she gets away with this

rogue used to play online and is excited to finally have a d&d group she can go to, she’s an experience hound and drags them all into fighting every single goddamn monster they come across, she’s a druid and ends up partnering up with wade’s character as the team tanks

kurt came along with her because he was interested, he makes a human ranger and spends more time excitedly rolling to see what he can successfully do a cool backflip off of than he does anything else


	344. Chapter 344

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Eh, more monster au? You can choose which one, I just love em all so much. Your blog is so flipping awesome!!! -robin"

aww thanks! my fav is siren peter so i’m doing that

peter is in new york on an inter species exchange program that his college was doing, this is the first time that he’s had to use legs for so long and he kind of hates it, out of respect for his human classmates he uses asl instead of his voice

he befriends clint barton in his asl class, since they both took the class for an easy a and are already proficient, clint invites him into his friend group and peter gets exited when they take him around town and show him weird human things like salad bars and chuck e cheese

he meets wade when he goes with steve and bucky to the annual pride club fundraiser and amateur drag show, peter falls in love at first sight and furiously signs to steve asking how he’s supposed to talk to a human when he likes them, they give him some tips and peter gets wade’s number, he’s so excited his tail starts reforming and he has to stop and think about having legs until his jeans aren’t splitting at the seams anymore

wade introduces peter to dresses, peter likes dresses much more because he can still wear them with his tail, their first date is at the school olympic sized pool so peter can stretch his tail out, they share an underwater kiss and it’s perfect

the first time wade hears peter’s voice he made peter laugh so hard that peter forgot he wasn’t supposed to talk and said wade’s name, wade was ah, very clearly affected and peter tried to apologize and wade tried to apologize and they ended up making out like teenagers until wade was back to normal

wade loves how peter looks so tiny but can bench press him like it’s nothing, his favorite thing is to plant feather light kisses on peter’s cheeks and watch his scales show up like a blush


	345. Chapter 345

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "venom peter keeping wade as a pet but is also his babysitter"

so the way it worked out venom thinks wade is a pet and wade thinks he’s watching out for peter and venom, sometimes venom gets concerned that wade isn’t eating enough and wade will wake up covered in a pile of dead things, venom gets mad when he doesn’t eat said dead things

wade always goes to peter’s place when it rains, housing the symbiote is hell on peter and on rainy days venom retreats and peter spends most of his time sleeping with wade on the couch and watching netflix, wade makes sure peter eats on those days because he forgets when venom doesn’t make him eat

venom and peter keep arguing over getting wade some tags in case he gets lost, peter keeps saying he’s a grown ass man and he can find his own way back, they compromise and wade wakes up wearing dog tags he doesn’t remember owning with “if found return to spiderman” on it

wade has a stack of wii remotes for when peter comes over, venom and peter get pretty worked up about losing in mario kart, or anything really, but mario kart was the one that sent the remote through the window that one time


	346. Chapter 346

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can we get more identity porn pls?"

haaaaa shiiiit, lets do uhhhh fuken space, yeah, and uhhhh, it’s a video game, in space, where u getta be like aliens and shit and save the galaxy, there’s a pvp mode and u can team up, with other players, yeah

and uuuuh, peter and wade play together for years and don’t realize they’re spiderman and deadpool, careful frenemies, irl

until one of them drops a game ref while on patrol and the other cautiously admits to playing, and wade realizes that his game bud and spidey are the same fucker so he’s all wanting to keep his secret for as long as he can, and peter starts getting mixed messages with how online wade starts being way more familiar randomly, and he starting to think the guy is stalking him irl


	347. Chapter 347

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, band au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can you imagine some kind of rock band!au? where Peter's in a band and Wade is a fanboy or vise-versa or both are band mates or are in rival bands??? with powers or non-power?? or is it just not spideypool like? lol"

peter got into metal when his high school crush got into metal, and then when they broke up, peter kept all the punk rocker shit he’d gotten when they were together, he made it his thing purely out of spite and took great satisfaction in discovering up and coming bands before his ex, they have a weird rivalry thing going on still

wade is the lead singer in peter’s new favorite screamo band, he uses his full body burns to his advantage and the look becomes the bands signature, they’re called deadpool after the lead singer and they all have dumb names they go by instead of their real names, peter catches wade one day after a concert and gets an autograph and wade invites peter along since he and his band are going to go drinking

peter had been watching his drinks since he didn’t want to get drunk, but wade wasn’t, he got smashed pretty fast and wade’s band asked peter if he could pretty please haul wade’s ass back to their hotel so they can keep drinking

peter and wade end up in wade’s hotel room with a bottle of whiskey split between them as peter comforts wade who pours his goddamn heart out

peter wakes up trapped under wade in the bathtub the next morning with a killer hangover, best. night. ever.


	348. Chapter 348

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade gushes about his daughter to spiderman (he tries not to bc he’s paranoid about her safety, but he trusts spiderman more than he does himself) and he mentions how her birthday is coming up and how she tries to pretend she’s not a superhero nerd but she totally is so he’s throwing her a super-themed party and how proud he is of her etc. When her bday rolls around both wade and Ellie are surprised when spiderman shows up (she knew her dad was awesome but this made his cool level go way up)"

wade hasn’t told a lot of people about ellie, he tries to keep her a secret from the world, she doesn’t deserve any of his crap in her life, and he means to keep it that way

that being said, he has a fold out pouch in his wallet full of pictures of ellie and given half a chance he’d be all over the opportunity to dad out and gush about his little angel

the first time he told spiderman about ellie was actually when he said a loved one died, wade told him about ellie, showed him the pictures in his wallet said she was the most badass kid around, peter was quiet, but he told wade she looked beautiful, wade had laughed and agreed, said he almost thought she couldn’t be mine

after that whenever wade needed to tell somebody how amazing his little girl was, he’d find spidey and tell him how ellie won the swimming competition or got an A on her math test especially after she was struggling with fractions

and for peter it’s so weirdly normal that wade comes and talks about his kid, and peter finds himself laughing at ellie’s antics and cheering her on mentally when she’s struggling with school, and it really warms his heart how much wade cares about her

so when wade mentions ellie’s party is coming up, peter remembers that wade was looking for an avengers action figure set for ellie, and how he was mumbling a while ago about xmen themed paper plates costing an arm and a leg, and so peter calls in a shield favor and shows up in costume at ellie’s birthday party, the look on wade’s face and the way ellie screamed was priceless

peter spent the whole day eating cake, drinking rainbow sherbet and orange soda floats, and tossing kids in the air and sticking them to a giant web like a game of human beanbags, later wade thanks peter because ellie has been bragging to everybody that her dad is the coolest and he got the real spiderman to come to her birthday


	349. Chapter 349

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, sex worker au, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "ID reveal: Wade hires orphaned rentboy Peter (deep existential depression and an enormous metabolism he can barely feed) and they hit it off. On a whim, or for a reason, Wade later hires Peter to hang around with him all day, but ends up getting called in to consult with the Avengers on some brewing crisis. Peter is revealed as Spiderman in front of everyone. (Too specific? : P)"

wade isn’t new to buying false comfort, with his life money is usually the only way he gets to touch another human being, so when he lays eyes on peter he knows this kid is new to this, probably just some guy that was down on his luck, peter still took him for the ride of his life

looking back maybe he was just feeling lonely and desperate, but he slapped down a stack of cash and asked if peter was doing anything tomorrow, to which peter said wade was very ambitious and wade had to backtrack, peter doesn’t really get why but he’s willing to indulge wade if he’s going to pay for it, those hospital bills and student loans don’t pay themselves

so peter mostly just follows wade around while he drags him around nyc, it’s actually fun if peter is being honest, he’d been really wary of getting involved with wade at first, but he found himself actually liking the merc, it was a little weird that wade didn’t have anything better to do than pay peter to pretend to go out with him, but wade never did anything that made sense

peter started panicking when wade got a call and told peter they needed to make a real quick detour to avengers tower, peter tried to stay far away from the avengers normally, he didn’t need to waltz right in and offer himself up on a silver platter

the avengers are pretty obvious about being uncomfortable with peter in the room when they’re consulting wade, eventually somebody asks wade who peter is and peter doesn’t know why he does it, maybe because he doesn’t want the others to look down on wade when he tells the truth, so he drapes his arms over wade’s shoulders and tells them he’s wade’s boyfriend and they were kinda in the middle of a date

the look tony stark gave him was priceless, peter tried to stay back and not pay too close attention to what they were discussing, but they were talking about the place peter had been staking out as spiderman for the last month, it was getting harder to stay quiet, eventually peter gave in and suggested they try going in through the basement because no one was even mentioning the basement, turns out they didn’t know about the basement and peter had to pretend that it was common knowledge that some of the warehouses out that way have hidden basements

peter wasn’t happy about the fact that the avengers were stalking him, they really thought he was wade’s boyfriend but they still didn’t trust him, so now he couldn’t earn money or be spiderman until they left him alone already, so he climbed up the fire escape of the building hawkeye was staking him out from and told him to fuck off

they tried a little harder to hide after that, peter was lucky that wade wanted to buy him again because the avengers were starting to get suspicious, except of course aliens had to crash their not date, and it’s just peter’s luck that he and wade get crushed under a pile of concrete and rebar, in order to save their lives he had to lift half the fallen roof himself, right in front of wade and the avengers, ah fuck


	350. Chapter 350

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, sex worker au, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg omg can you continue the rentboy!peter AU??"

out of the frying pan and into the inferno, despite all the aliens to shoot, every avenger in sight immediately trained their weapons on peter as he struggled to pull himself and wade out of the rubble without getting squashed, as soon as they were all sure peter wasn’t a threat they turned their attention back to the aliens

but as soon as that was over, peter found himself whisked away on a shield plane with natasha and clint watching him like hawks, peter’s ready to fight his way out if need be, but to his surprise the avengers just asked him some questions about his powers and how he met wade, peter lied of course, he knew what they were getting at, does he kill people for a living

they all know he’s lying out his ass, but there’s not much more they can legally do to him, so peter picks off all the bugs they planted on him on the flight and for the first time, he’s the one that calls wade first

he’s gonna have a hell of a time trying to keep up with all the lies he’s gotten himself into, but it’s still better than everybody finding out the truth, but he’d really like to get back to his jobs, both the saving the world one and the one that actually pays the bills


	351. Chapter 351

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, sex worker au, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ooo can you please do more for the rentboy!peter au!!!"

peter hadn’t seen wade since “the incident”, so he wasn’t really sure what the guy was going to do, or if he’d even want to keep up their little charade, wade didn’t owe peter anything, and peter was crossing a line just by asking

but to his surprise, wade was really nice about the whole thing, he agreed to keep pretending until shield left peter alone

he did ask peter about his super strength, why he doesn’t just rob a bank or something, and peter rolls his eyes, college costs money, and unfortunately a clean record

wade was even nice enough to keep paying peter whenever they were together, honest to god peter even started feeling bad about how much wade was spending on him, especially when wade gave him a designer suit and took him to one of stark’s parties

it wasn’t nearly as much fun when he found out the only reason he was invited was so shield could give him their hero training program pitch, which he turned down halfway through the presentation, because he was already going to say no and because he was missing the free bar, wade started laughing when peter told him so

they may have cleared tony out and actually gotten drunk, peter remembered leaving the party with wade, and flipping off the shield recruiters as they left, and he remembered going home with wade, wade tucking him in when peter was about to pass out, wade running his fingers through peter’s hair and whispering i love you

peter left that morning before wade woke up, and he wasn’t sure that he was coming back


	352. Chapter 352

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "UM! More rent boy au please!!!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “more rentboy peter?? i LOVE your writing!!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “AAHH RENTBOY!PETER IS BREAKING MY HEART!!!!!!! DOES Wade track peter down?!?! Do they meet when peter is dressed as spiderman!?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I’m dying for this rentboy! au”

wade’s a little heartbroken, but he’s also worried, peter got outed as a super and had shield on his tail, peter wasn’t answering his phone and wade couldn’t find him in any of the usual spots, he was starting to freak out

so he did what he does best, broke into shield and stole their files on peter to find out where he might be, peter wasn’t at home, so wade tried his college, peter had never told him he was in school

peter could feel eyes on the back of his head, and when he looked out the window his stomach dropped, wade was watching him, he ducked out of class, pulled wade aside and hissed what the fuck are you doing

wade tried to explain himself, that he was worried about peter, that peter hadn’t been answering, but peter’s kind of ticked off, he tells wade to leave him the fuck alone and to never contact him again

but wade grabs his arm and says wait, peter’s irritated, but he stays, wade says if this is the last time he gets to see peter then he’s got something to say, he tells peter that he’s annoying and loud and he almost never eats anything but take out, that he’s got a bad past, that he’s killed people, that sometimes he still does if they deserve it, and with shaking hands he lifts up the mask and says this is me, and i love you

and peter is speechless, he thinks it over long and hard, then he says he’s not going to quit his job, and wade says that’s ok, and peter says he’s got commitment issues, wade says they can work it out together, peter says he’s never home, wade says he’ll take whatever peter will give him, peter says he’s still got secrets he’s going to hold onto, wade tells him i know enough, peter says he’s keeping his apartment, wade says that’s fine

peter tells wade he’s crazy, wade grins and tells him he hasn’t seen anything yet, peter tells him he’s an idiot, wade says peter makes him that way, peter grabs wade’s face and kisses him

wade asks, so is that a yes


	353. Chapter 353

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [cansherlocksolverubikscubes](https://cansherlocksolverubikscubes.tumblr.com/), "Fucking tickles and cuddles! Thanks love. *besitos!!*"

peter only has one tickle spot on his whole body and it’s behind his left knee, and when wade starts to tickle him, suddenly his whole body is sensitive and he’s laughing so much it hurts and begging wade to stop, and wade does but only after he gives peter a kiss, and peter pulls wade close while he’s still trying to breath normally again and wade covers them both with a blanket on the couch and they watch watever’s already on tv and drift off with wade sleeping on peter’s chest


	354. Chapter 354

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter someone gets his hands on an actual, real live dinosaur. -K"

tony may have decided after watching jurassic world that he wanted to see if he really could grow a dinosaur, pepper sent bruce in to talk him out of it, after a few hours she went down to the lab and found bruce and tony guiltily hiding an egg behind their backs

the little triceratops escaped the tower soon after it hatched and the avengers had to start a quiet city wide search for an escaped dino, peter was just coming home when he saw something knock over his trashcan, so he went to scare off whatever mutant pigeon was determined to fuck up his can, and instead found a little rapidly growing dinosaur digging through his trash and making the most pitiful noises

peter wasn’t even going to question it, it’d been one of those days, so he ran inside and grabbed everything vegetable like he could find, the little dinosaur was very partial to apples, peter made sure to remove the seeds first

peter wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with a baby triceratops so he got on the suit and webbed the actually not so little guy to his back so he could carry him while web slinging, the little dino screamed with delight when peter started moving, for a lack of better options, he brought the dino to a pet store to get some chew toys or something, he got frightened by a squeaky toy and destroyed a display stand, poor peter ended up with a collar, leash, large pet bed, and a hell of a lot of hay and veggie pellets, he was just guessing but this was an herbivore

so peter just sorta adopted the little guy and had to keep him out of the dishwasher and unstuck his horns from the wall a couple times, his landlady isn’t going to be happy about the wall, he names the dino fido and puts it’s name on the collar

he gets really mad when the avengers find him and try to convince him that he can’t keep a dinosaur in a tiny flat in ny, they’re right but he doesn’t want to hear it, they feel bad about separating fido and peter, who they think is a normal kid, and let peter come visit fido while he’s being held at the tower, tony has a whole floor he converted into a terrarium for the dino

everyone thought peter was dead when he got rushed by an excited fido, but he just grabbed fido by the horns and told him to settle down, he had been so excited to see fido he’d forgotten to pretend not to have powers, he even used his super strength to carry fido around like a giant lapdog, tony hires peter to work as fido’s keeper, since he’s got super strength and cap wouldn’t go near dinosaurs after reading jurassic park


	355. Chapter 355

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade somehow get's a hold of Peter's cell phone number."

wade got a girl’s number at a club and tried texting her, peter wasn’t expecting anyone to text him today so he was a little confused when he got an unknown number sending him sexts, he tried to set the guy straight and sent a picture of himself and told the guy he probably has the wrong number, but then wade texts back that it must be fate because peter is the hottest thing he’s ever seen, and peter is kinda flattered and flustered and he keeps talking to the guy and he’s funny and nice and he’s got a date friday

peter starts having second thoughts when they meet up somewhere shady in the back of the restaurant in a private booth, and then peter sees his date and recognizes him instantly, “wade?”, and wade is confused because he doesn’t remember seeing peter before

so peter has to backtrack because he doesn’t want wade to know he’s spiderman, he makes up something about seeing wade wilson in the news before, and apparently that’s enough to put him at ease, and peter has fun and gets another date and tries not to think about how he’s really toeing the line here


	356. Chapter 356

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "After a freak accident in Tony's lab, Peter gets turned into a spider. Wade is understandably upset that he can't ogle the cute intern anymore. -K"

wade had been stopping by every day to hit on the cute intern, so when he walked in to all the usual nerds gathered around a cage with a giant red and blue spider and no peter, he was confused, somebody finally broke the news to him, peter had accidentally spilled an unknown liquid on himself and turned into a spider, they’re still not certain how it happened

wade decides to take care of peter while he’s a spider, since most of the other lab coats were too busy trying to figure out how to reverse the whole thing, peter was having fun learning to make webs and tried drawing wade’s mask, wade taught peter morse code so they could communicate by tapping, tony got interested after that because they had just thought that peter had developed a spider brain, instead peter can communicate complex ideas and still use a large vocabulary

wade tells him to fuck off unless he knows how to fix this, eventually they did get peter back to normal, but wade can’t understand why peter is acting so different now, he thought peter would go back to normal after becoming a human again, instead he won’t look wade in the eyes and keeps running away whenever wade tries to find him

peter is just trying to keep himself from doing anything about the crush he developed on wade while he was a spider, he still can’t tell if it’s genuine or left over from when his spider brain went food + pretty colors = love


	357. Chapter 357

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, chef au, cutthroat kitchen au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter and wade are contestants on Cutthroat Kitchen"

peter won the round where he had to make apple pie while suspended from the ceiling upside down, he didn’t tell anybody he’d been a professional gymnast until after the fact

wade has a temper and keeps trying to fight all the other contestants instead of cook, he punched out a judge for telling him that his chicken wonton taquitos were a bit on the dry side

peter and wade do that dumb macho thing where they try to crowd each other’s space and end up shoving their faces together and then their mouths touch and wade kisses him and peter kisses back and whoops now they’re making out and peter slams wade into the wall in front of the camera and wade just melts and they take just a little too long to realize the camera is still rolling


	358. Chapter 358

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ellie is absolutely precious and she has most definitely threatened Peter with an agonizing death if he hurts her Dad. -K"

when peter and wade start dating, before peter tells wade about his identity, peter meets ellie for the first time when he goes with wade to pick her up after school, ellie gets peter alone and crawls up on a bench so she can look peter in the eye and tell him that if he hurts her dad she’ll have to kill him, and peter felt bad that he wanted to laugh when she looked so sincere about it

and when she finds out that he’s spiderman, she changes the deal, she tells him that if he lets her dad get hurt she’ll have to kill him, and peter tells her he didn’t expect anything less


	359. Chapter 359

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "do more venom/peter/wade pls :3"

in the mornings wade literally has to unstick himself from peter since sometime during the night venom always ends up wrapped around them both, venom is more of a morning person than peter is so sometimes peter just doesn’t wake up in the morning and venom takes over and eats breakfast with wade, peter always gets upset when he wakes up after all the pancakes are gone, which makes venom hiss in smug laughter

peter and venom always get into arguments about peter writing reminders on his arm, venom doesn’t like it so they always scrub the reminders off as soon as possible which means that peter forgets his reminders, wade keeps telling them to just set reminders on their phone or something, peter just gripes about how it’s the principle of the thing


	360. Chapter 360

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More spidery peter?"

after peter establishes himself as a hero, he realizes that there’s a lot of mutant kids out there like him, that don’t get a secret identity, that look so different that they often can’t safely go outside, sometimes there’s even mutant kids that get stuck in isolation because their powers make them a danger to others

peter reaches out to the xmen and starts a role model type program where mutants get paired up with kids like them or that are having similar problems as them, peter actually ends up meeting more mutants like him, he’s best friends with kurt and peter spends his downtime helping program customized holographic projectors for kids, tony stark donates the tech normally


	361. Chapter 361

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter saves Ellie before he knows she’s Wade’s kid."

wade nearly spits out his special hot chocolate with edible glitter he and ellie were drinking when she tells him that she met spiderman today, he demands she tell him everything, she just shrugged and said that he grabbed her when she fell out of the back of the bus after it got hit by one of the green goblin’s bombs, she told him that he knew her dad, but she didn’t think he was paying attention

wade finds spidey later and gives him a hug and says thanks for saving my kid, i don’t know what i’d do without her, and he gives peter a picture of spiderman ripping off the green goblin’s head that ellie drew for him


	362. Chapter 362

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More extra spidery Peter?"

peter doesn’t really have a house per say, he has a bunch of tightly woven spider nests scattered across the city that he sleeps and hides in, he also has supplies stored in these nests, just in case he needs them, he keeps having to pick out all the bird nests that get built into his webs, he doesn’t have the heart to get rid of the ones that already have eggs, but the chirping is annoying as fuck so he ends up abandoning a lot of nests to very persistent bird families


	363. Chapter 363

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "On a scale of 1-10 how protective of extra spidery Peter is Wade?"

11

wade does everything he can to make peter feel comfortable with his extra arms and spider mouth parts, he makes a deal with peter, they both keep their masks off at home, it’s hard at first but it’s honestly doing wonders for their self confidence

p.s. spider hugs are the best, all those arms


	364. Chapter 364

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [whiskerwhisperer](https://whiskerwhisperer.tumblr.com/), "I LIVE for this blog you have no idea. Thank you for all of your genius writings and ideas! U ROCK! What if Peter has never introduced Wade to his family because he has this crazy twin "brother" (Venom; maybe a cloning experiment gone wrong by his parents?) who usually scares everyone away & Wade is special. But Pete tells Venom all about him because he is 100% in love and Venom sneaks out to meet Wade in person and Wade is confused cuz this ain't his Petey but damn son u r cute and shenanigans"

a couple of years ago doc oc managed to successfully recreate peter’s powers using spiderman’s dna to make a clone with he infused with the venom symbiote, unfortunately for him venom and him didn’t exactly see eye to eye and venom rebelled, killing doc oc, peter found venom in the remains of the lab and brought them home, they’ve lived with peter ever since, peter just says they’re twins, since they look identical until venom comes out

venom is an ass, just point blank, but they’re not like, an entirely bad person either, peter had to socialize them and teach venom how to interact with people, venom still has problems reading facial expressions and body language and understanding tone, they usually end up sounding really sarcastic because they learned it from peter, they’re sassy twins together, and venom takes up the spiderman mantle with peter by using the black venom suit, they try to trade off being spiderman so at least one of them is around to pretend to be a normal person

venom tends to avoid other heroes and leaves peter to deal with that kind of thing, so wade just never really meets the black spiderman, he has met peter though, they’re dating and venom is just about sick and tired of peter acting like a love struck idiot, he’s always gushing about wade, but he never brings him home and venom thinks they know why

so venom hunts down wade to introduce themself before peter can shoot them down, except wade kisses venom thinking they’re peter, so venom freaks and stabs wade in the gut before running home and hiding in their room

wade is upset because why would peter do that to him, and peter is upset because why isn’t my boyfriend talking to me, and venom is upset because they think that they accidentally stole wade from peter and didn’t want any of that but they’re also scared of peter finding out, it’s a mess

* * *

peter is pretty down so venom makes dinner that night and when peter smells the enchiladas he fucking knows, enchiladas are apology food, he confronts venom after dinner, and venom tries to get around it, they really do, but peter doesn’t give them any room to run, and venom tells peter that they met wade but wade kissed them and they swear they weren’t trying to take wade from peter

and peter just hugs them bc dude, it’s ok he didn’t know, he just thought you were me, you gotta use your words so ppl don’t misunderstand, but peter is still confused, why wasn’t wade talking to him still?

and then venom adds, as an after thought, oh yeah i also stabbed him, and peter just starts laughing because venom seriously thought the kiss was more concerning than the fact that they stabbed a person, even accidentally

so peter texts wade a picture of himself and venom and says sorry my brother stabbed you, and wade is really fucking relived, he’s also very fucking concerned that peter didn’t think it was important enough to tell wade he had an evil twin

ever since, wade and venom don’t really get along too well, and venom has taken to wearing baggy clothes around wade instead of their usual leather punk aesthetic because of that time wade took one look at venom and told peter his ass looks great in leather skinny jeans, peter always tells them they just need to spend more time together


	365. Chapter 365

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker, trans wade wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [rays-figs](http://rays-figs.tumblr.com/), "Trans Wade Wilson AND Trans Peter Parker. Trans bfs that can relate!!!"

peter and wade who spend far too much time thinking up trans puns that they can use as quips, peter and wade reminding each other to take off their binders

wade has some issues with his love of dresses because he went through a period where he rejected anything vaguely feminine and is still having trouble getting over that, peter always tells him that clothes don’t make the gender, the number of times they call each other handsome is directly proportional to the number of times they kiss

wade can’t do surgery because of his healing factor, but he’s damn sure that peter is getting top surgery for christmas, he pulls some strings and gets a doctor that agrees to be discreet and is wiling to try to get around peter’s slight healing factor

aunt may comes over while peter’s recovering to help out around the house, she and wade get on like a house on fire, and peter just keeps groaning because he’s stuck in bed while aunt may tells wade all his embarrassing childhood stories


	366. Chapter 366

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More wade/venom/Peter please 💖"

wade gets freaked out by peter’s weird food cravings sometimes, having venom means sometimes he gets a random craving and just cannot stop himself from eating like an entire tub of butter at 3am, he tries not to think about it too much because it usually disgusts him if he does

a good rule of thumb is more meat in his diet, so wade always brings back plenty of raw ground beef, there was one time peter forgot to buy some and got a craving for raw meat, wade found feathers in the bedroom and decided that they needed to feed peter more protein before he ate the neighbor’s cat

and then sometimes it’s just venom wanting to eat one thing in particular, peter once walked into a candy store and bought ten pounds of lemon flavored licorice which he then ate all of in three minutes, he felt sick for a week but venom was unrepentant, peer avoids candy stores now

venom is very partial to wade’s cooking for some reason, and gets mad when peter cooks dinner more than one night in a row, wade thinks its cute


	367. Chapter 367

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "I’m sorry I send so many asks lol but what about Spider-Man crashing through Wade’s window whilst an alien attack reigns about and Wade demands that spiderman pay him back for the window"

wade had a very long and hard day today, so alien invasion bullshit be damned, he’s going to take a fucking nap even if it kills him, he flops down in bed and almost immediately spiderman comes crashing through his window and lands on top of him, glass and all

“shit, sorry” said peter who was also full of glass, wade forgot about the glass when he realized spiderman was sitting on top of him, he also forgot how to talk like a normal person and mumbled something about his window

peter asks him what he said and checks to make sure he didn’t crack any of this civilian’s bones when he landed on him, and wade who is completely blanking on what to say to the spiderman says, “you broke my window”, and peter apologizes, and wade starts realizing that he’s digging himself into a pit here when he tells peter matter of factly that he should pay for it, he didn’t really mean to say that but his brain is working on autopilot

peter winces about that and says that’s gonna be a little difficult, and wade’s brain finally comes online back in time to suggest peter pay him back with his body, to which peter flips him off and goes back to fighting aliens

spiderman does actually come back later, when he’s not full of glass and covered in blood, they both try to apologize at the same time and wade asks him out, peter asks if it would make up for the window, and wade says most definitely, so peter says yes


	368. Chapter 368

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff, song fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "pETER SINGS ALL ABOUT YOUR HEART BY MINDY GLEDHILL TO WADE (the nie vers ofc) ASDFGHJKLAKDJALFKSJ SORRY I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THIS SONG AND THOUGHT ABOUT DEADPOOL AND FEELS HAPPENED (at their wedding maybe? or not, whenever this situation might happen, whatever floats your boat lol)"
> 
> [All About Your Heart by Mindy Gledhill](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGsU4vuJAIo)

it’s at their wedding, it’s a small thing in mj’s yard and there’s fairy lights strung up along the fence, the sun is just setting on the horizon and peter and wade walk together towards the middle of a crowd of friends and family for the first dance, the first notes play over the speakers sitting on the grass and wade recognizes it immediately, he can’t stop the stupid smile that spreads over his face and peter puts his arms around wade’s waist and starts to sway back and forth as he sings along, he has a stupid smile on his face too

wade puts a hand on peter’s shoulder and another reaches around to the back of peter’s neck so he can pull peter closer to him, he leans their foreheads together and feels peter singing, the vibrations thrumming in his skull, he looks right into peter’s eyes and he could swear in that moment there were stars in peter’s eyes, and wade tries to remember this moment forever


	369. Chapter 369

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, animal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "hey its me again sorry for lack of clarification in my ask. ow about peter and wade as animals. spideycat wearing the red and blue suit and looking cut and deaddog being overactive and has weapons strapped to him"

spideycat likes riding around on top of deaddog’s back when they’re racing to a fight, he also likes curling up on top of deaddog and taking a nap, sometimes when spideycat purrs, deaddog tries to copy him and ends up making this ugly whining noise, spideycat just purrs harder

spideycat and deaddog have really been cutting down on crime in the city, of course when anything without opposable thumbs that can still use a sword comes running at you, it’s pretty terrifying, they’re always on the prowl for _cat_ burglars, spideycat has been very good about chasing pigeons, his mortal enemies, away from the apartment, they’re tricky fuckers so he has to be on constant alert


	370. Chapter 370

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs, song fic, monster au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Don’t threaten me with a good time songfic?"

“You ready for this?” Peter asked as he pulled wade’s shirt off.

“Fuck me up good, baby boy,” Wade breathed.

Peter sunk his fangs deep into Wade’s neck. Wade grunted and then all at once it hit him, _hard_. It was like he was stepping out of his own body and watching reality dial down. He was flying high when he realized peter was talking to him. Peter looked like a god, he was glowing too bright to see. Peter’s mouth was moving too much, Wade decided to fix that with his mouth.

Peter slid his hand down wade’s chest and holy shit it was like being struck by lightning. And when Peter’s hand slipped in his pants, a revelation. Peter’s fangs sank into wade’s neck again and he _moaned_ as his world started spinning in reverse. He was babbling, probably. Begging and pleading for peter to “don’t stop, don’t stop, oh god, _please, don’t stop!_ ”

Wade came and his mind nearly shattered. Peter unlatched his mouth from Wade’s shoulder. Blood dribbled down his chin and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. He blinked and the red faded from his eyes.


	371. Chapter 371

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, suicide, gore, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade and peter somehow form a telepathic bond, which wade was NOT happy about at first, but now it’s very useful since peter has turned into a literal giant spider and can’t communicate at the moment"

it was some kinda new hell when it first happened, peter didn’t do so great with the boxes and ended up screaming at nothing a lot, secretly wade was happy that peter always took his side, but he never wanted anyone to know how fucked up he was inside, white and yellow had a lot of fun telling peter about wade before they knew each other: weapon x, the things he’d done just for the peace and quiet, the blood and death, so much screaming

peter didn’t need to see a slideshow of wade’s top 30 most brutal kills, so wade blew his brains out again, when he woke up it was to peter sobbing his heart out and begging wade never to do that again

honestly the only time he’d ever been thankful for this whole fucking thing was when peter’s mutated blood reacted weird with something that got spilled on him when he got thrown headfirst into an oscorp lab, peter got turned into a giant spider and the only way wade knew it was him was because of the weird images that kept popping into his head, being a spider made it harder to think in anything else

so for a week peter just hung out on the cieling of wade’s flat and they communicated in vague ideas and images, the boxes actually thought it was pretty cute, so besides yellow’s occasional trying to get wade to squash peter, it was actually one of their more peaceful weeks

well that’s not true, peter got really excited when it was time to eat, wade got front row seats to whatever poor squirming rat got stuck in peter’s webs, wade ended up puking the first two times, peter always felt bad about it later


	372. Chapter 372

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "(Hi! I asked about spiderman coming to Ellie’s bday party, this is in that same universe) It’s Ellie’s first dance & the person coming to pick her up gets pants-shitting scared seeing deadpool & spiderman waiting with her (more so deadpool). Deadpool gives the dad speech (deadpool style) & spiderman is mostly quiet. After Ellie & her date leave wade waits a little before going straight to the dance to watch & make sure no hankypanky happens, he’s very amused at finding spiderman already there."

wade called up peter for some extra support, he wanted to scare the shit out of the girl coming to take ellie to the school dance, peter told him to relax already she’s like what, 10?

and wade tells him she’s in middle school, and peter remembers what middle school was like and goes ok fine i’ll be there

so ellie’s date shows up and peter takes pictures of them both in their dresses with their hair all done up, and then wade kneels down so he can look ellie’s date in the eye and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she so much as looks at ellie wrong, she should remember that ellie always carries a knife and she knows how to use it, and ellie rolls her eyes and tells her dad to lay off already

ellie’s date’s mom takes them to the dance and wade says goodbye to peter and then sneaks out to do some surveillance and make sure his little girl has an amazing night, spiderman is already there when he arrives, he also brought snacks

peter at least has the presence of mind to be sheepish, he blames wade for making him worried and they spend the rest of the dance singing along to the 90s pop songs the teachers obviously picked instead of the kids, they both cheer when ellie gets into a fight with a kid for shoving her, she breaks the punch bowl over the kid’s head and kisses her now girlfriend in triumph, wade intervenes a minute later when ellie’s teachers kick her out of the dance

peter lets ellie and her date climb on his back so he can swing them over to a sonic, wade gets them all victory ice cream, ellie gives the cherry on her fudge sunday to her girlfriend “for being pretty”, it is, so far, the best night of ellie’s life


	373. Chapter 373

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade (who doesn’t know who spiderman is) calls the cute intern peter different nicknames to watch him blush. In retaliation, peter as spiderman has started to randomly and without warning call deadpool nicknames to watch him stumble in shock"

peter thinks it’s just his luck to catch the attention of deadpool even out of costume, he tries really hard to stay low and the merc is fucking that all up, that and no matter how hard he tries, peter always ends up blushing in embarrassment when wade uses those stupid nicknames, it really shouldn’t do things to him, but fuck every goddamn time his cheeks light up

he decides to see if wade can handle a dose of his own medicine and casually drops a sweetheart the next time he teams up with wade, wade trips over nothing and stabs his shoulder with his own knife, peter promises himself he’ll only use this power for good, he’s also a fucking liar


	374. Chapter 374

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, eating disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade gets super intense cravings after recovering from a death that leaves them with an intense amount of leftovers in their small apartment. -K"

sometimes growing back something like a brain or an entire leg takes a very specific set of nutrients, which is why wade will end up calling every restaurant within a five mile radius when he wakes up and just set up a buffet for himself, sometimes he tries to eat faster than his body can process and he ends up puking it all back up, peter just sighs when he wakes up to wade sitting in a pile of his own vomit and still eating seared shrimp, he’s done this all before

he goes to the store sometimes to pick up whole milk and sardines for wade, bones are always a bitch to regrow, and it’s always good to have around when wade gets like this

the leftovers are usually the worst part, because starving wade always leaves behind a bunch of weird crap, like sweet and sour sauce mashed together with chocolate cake, a part of peter’s brain always screams at him when he empties it all into the trash instead of putting it in the fridge, but seriously who would eat that given a choice


	375. Chapter 375

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, injury, gore, murder, hunger games au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spideypool is in the Hunger Games, the two of them in an uneasy alliance and then friendship (maybe even more), but as tributes die off, they find that one of them has to kill the other. -S"

peter is from district 3, there was a mistake when the names were drawn, harry was the son of norman osbone, the richest and most politically influential man in district 3, his name should never have been drawn, time slowed down for peter as he saw harry’s face go white, no one raised their hand, peter realized norman was watching him and peter felt his stomach drop, he knew what he had to do, the words “i volunteer as tribute” were out of his mouth before he could think, gwen was the other tribute, she didn’t have anyone to take her place

peter and gwen became fast friends, peter had always been a little in love with gwen but had never had the guts to ask her out, he hated himself for being glad they were both tributes, gwen was brutal and smart as a wip, she and peter planned to help each other out when the games started

wade is a career tribute from district 2, his mother had died shortly after giving birth to him and his father, may he never find peace in hell, deserved the early death the mine gave him, wade wasn’t the prettiest kid in the orphanage, his face was scarred to shit from setting himself on fire when he got too close to some of the quarry machinery, it was wade’s temper that always got him into trouble, and eventually was his ticket out of there, he got a sponsor and lived the high life as he trained to be a tribute, wade was the perfect killing machine and was he ever ready to test himself at this year’s hunger games, his plan is to kill all the career tributes first to make sure the rest of the competition will be easier for him, he’s going to kill his female counterpart first

wade was the lone survivor of the bloodbath, he got to the weapons first and slaughtered everyone that came near, the capitol didn’t like wade, he was too eager to kill, the gruesome images of him painting himself with the blood of the other children he killed made everyone at the capitol uncomfortable, he did get to kill the other district 2 tribute first, he kept the blue ribbon she brought with her as a trophy

peter and gwen ran as soon as they could, away from the bloodbath and all the supplies they would need, they ran faster every time the cannon sounded, they’d never heard it go off this much before, neither of them said anything about it, and neither of them would admit just how screwed they were

wade had taken whatever he needed and burned the rest, he was a walking armory now, too bad that didn’t help him in the long run, he’d been cocky, let himself get caught off guard by one of the younger kids who’d set up a trap he walked right into, he broke a leg and managed to take one of the fuckers with him before the rest ran away, wade was a sitting duck and unless he found a fucking miracle… he was going to die

peter and gwen had been surviving on whatever they could scavenge, they tried going back to the bloodbath the next day, but there wasn’t anything useful, just too much blood, peter almost threw up and gwen’s face got stony

they heard someone shouting nearby and gwen decided they should see if anyone died so they could steal their supplies before the hovercrafts came, they found a dead girl and wade, sitting in the hollow between two trees, trying to keep his breathing low, gwen wanted to kill him, peter talked her down, said they could always ditch him if they get chased, she reluctantly agreed, cold blooded murder didn’t sit right with her either

wade let out a sigh of relief when peter won the argument, he was saved, for now, as much as it burned him to be taken on as a pity case by two kids who were clearly less prepared than him, he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth

he didn’t really like gwen, she always watched him out of the corner of her eye, she always has seven backup plans and she was determined to stay alive, he didn’t doubt that she would have sold the both of them in a heartbeat if it meant she would live, he respected her

peter on the other hand was something of a mystery, he was hilariously unprepared for any of this and he cried the first time he had to kill someone, comforting wasn’t something wade was used to, but something about peter just, he just couldn’t leave him alone, he told peter that he shouldn’t waste his energy on the dead, peter told him to fuck off, somebody had to mourn the dead, they waited while peter sat with the boy until the hovercraft came

they had been ambushed by another team while it was gwen’s turn to act as lookout, they slipped a rope around her neck so she couldn’t yell as they descended on the makeshift camp, wade was already a light sleeper, as soon as gwen got one good kick in and her attacker let out a grunt, wade was up and grabbing peter, peter didn’t realize they had left gwen behind until too late, the cannon sounded and gwen’s once smiling face lit up the sky, peter fell to his knees and screamed when he saw gwen’s lifeless body still clutching the rope stuck around her neck

wade picked peter up and got them both moving again, he kept cursing his fucking broken leg for slowing him down, he tried not to think about how his first instinct upon waking up was to get peter out of danger, this was the hunger games, and he knew that by the end peter would be dead

except by some miracle he’s not, by the end it’s wade and peter sitting just on the edge of the treeline, watching the sky as the only other surviving tribute died of an infection

they sit there in stunned silence, neither of them had expected to make it this far, and they’d both done the one thing tributes should never do, care about each other, peter got a package, it was a simple dagger from his district, the only person wealthy enough to send him this kind of thing was norman, the message was obvious

he pressed the dagger into wade’s hands, told wade he couldn’t kill him, and peter admitted that he didn’t think he could go home after everything that happened, wade stabs the dagger in the dirt and tells peter that he doesn’t really have anything to go home to, he’d spent his whole life waiting for the hunger games, but after? he didn’t have an after, didn’t think he’d be able to be a normal person after this

they both know that things will get worse if they don’t decide, peter was looking out at the end of the arena, it was cruel he could see freedom and couldn’t do a damn thing about it, and then it all hit him at once, the arena was covered in a massive force field, and if they were anything like the ones he worked with at home…

peter grabbed the knife and wade and started running for the edge, wade was voicing his concerns but peter knew what he was doing, he only had one chance at this, so he told wade to get ready and tied the dagger to some extra rope, it only took one try, the dagger pierced the weak spot peter had seen earlier and the force field evaporated with a bang

wade was so shocked he almost didn’t move, peter snapped him out of it and they ran, they climbed over the wall and ran


	376. Chapter 376

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter finds Wade’s alarmingly large stash of costumes and lingerie."

well it’s not so much finds as opens the closet in wade’s house and gets covered in an avalanche of lace and frills, “wade, who’s are these?”

as it turns out they’re all wade’s, peter asks him why he has all these and wade gets that smile on his face that always spells trouble, which is how peter and wade end up spending the day having an impromptu makeover session

peter admits that holy shit i feel hot, and wade is just like, ikr

peter also has a lot more respect for lady heroes that keep kicking ass in six inch stilettos, he only keeps from falling over due to his insane balance and his spidey sense, wade tells him he looks good in heels, peter says i bet i’d look better in just heels

and that’s an invitation if wade ever heard one


	377. Chapter 377

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if while on a mission Wade loses his memory and forgets that him and Peter are together and instead thinks his still with Cable"

peter doesn’t know who cable is but he fucking hates the guy, he can’t convince wade that he and peter are dating, he just keeps going on about this cable guy, keeps talking about how he’s helping cable save the world, turning over a new leaf, how he’s going to be a hero this time, and it scared peter because he’s heard wade give him the same speech about how spiderman inspired him to change

he tries winning over wade again, if he did it before then he can do it again, right? it’s the same wade, the same one that pushed for every step of their relationship, peter starts realizing that he put a lot less effort into their relationship than wade did, he realizes a lot when wade isn’t around all the time

he doesn’t have the heart or courage to tell aunt may what happened, he’s not going to give up just yet, if wade thinks this cable hung the fucking moon in the sky then peter would just have to do one better, ok so he doesn’t actually have a plan besides figure out how to find cable and beat the shit out of him for unknowingly stealing peter’s boyfriend, it’s a work in progress

peter ends up jumping on the chance to help out an old friend with a really cool space ship, they had a mission that just screamed fate of the universe, and peter being peter agreed to come along, it’s a whole thing, he has to fight alternate versions of himself, cable shows up, peter can’t beat up cable because he’s supposed to have the key to saving the goddamn universe, and peter is seething because of course he gets upstaged by this guy, it’s like he’s the fucking answer to everything

peter manages to mention wade to cable and gets surprised when cable asks how wade is doing, he was all ready for cable to be a shitty human being that didn’t want wade anymore, he wasn’t prepared for the guy to ask how wade was doing and ask if he’s been staying out of trouble, and peter begrudgingly tells him that wade’s trying to change, which only makes cable interested in him again and peter hates himself even more now because this is all his fault, he was the one that had to go into fucking space, and he was the one that just couldn’t leave well enough alone

after the world gets saved thanks to peter nearly dying six times and meeting madam web and then actually dying but on purpose to bring some guy back from the dead so that guy can save the world, it’s a huge mess but in the end it all works out, and peter goes home, and wade still doesn’t remember him, still holding out hope that cable is going to call on him again and he has to be ready

and to peter’s resigned horror, cable shows up, he doesn’t seem to notice that wade forgot a few years, doesn’t seem to notice anything new actually, he starts sending wade on missions, missions that go against all the progress wade had been working towards, wade keeps telling peter that it’s because somebody has to do the dirty work and he’d rather it be him than someone else, peter hates cable

wade is missing all the signs, he doesn’t remember that they did this all before and it didn’t work out, forgot he was the one that left cable after one too many second chances and crossed lines, but this time around he has peter, peter who treats him a hell of a lot better than cable does, who tells him all the time that he loves him, who just keeps asking with those sad eyes if he’ll give him a chance

in the end it’s wade’s choice


	378. Chapter 378

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "I love the cable/wade/peter story! Did cable&wade have a romantic relationship or was it unrequited? Who does wade choose?? Can you write more of that story please?"

i’m going with basically married, they ended up sharing bodies and souls for a while there, and it is really fucking hard to just not have a relationship with somebody you’re tied that closely with, and in the past it had been good, for a while they worked, but eventually wade looked at his situation, what he was doing to himself by staying with cable and he decided that he didn’t want to stick around for cable or cable’s fights, because he realized somewhere along the way that cable was never going to prioritize him like he prioritized cable, so he left

wade doesn’t ever really stop loving him, which is why it was so easy for them to slip back into the way they used to be

so when wade gets snapped back into the present after waking up from a head shot, he’s… confused, he’s overwhelmed, he doesn’t want to deal with any of this bullshit anymore, so he doesn’t

he turns peter down once and for all, tells him that he just got his brains scrambled again and he’s still trying to work that off, that he’s not ready for well, for peter, he’s still stuck in between who he used to be and who he was supposed to be now, and peter’s just being so goddamn persistent, trying to treat wade like he was still the same person before the brain scrambling, he tells peter to just drop it okay, so peter backs off like he asks

he tells cable that he’s not going back, he’s got a nice place here and he’s working on making a better name for himself, he’s got a kid now, he’s trying to be somebody she can be proud of and he wants to be there when she needs somebody to threaten her teachers into giving her a better grade, he can’t do that if he’s dimension hopping and fucking off to who knows where

when wade realizes that cable is leaving earth now, he asks him why he came here in the first place, and cable tells him that he had been chasing what they once had, and wade keeps his mouth shut, because he’s afraid that if he says anything, it’ll sound like an invitation to stay, because cable finally did the one thing wade always wanted him to do, he just did it too late


	379. Chapter 379

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, police au, x-files au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [thatvixenchick](https://thatvixenchick.tumblr.com/), "Oh no! Spideypool gets sucked into another universe! Crossover of your choice!"

hmmm, haven’t done x-files yet

peter is a harvard graduate and the top of his class at the academy, and he’s looking forward to his assignment, working with agent wilson, and then he met agent wilson, and he started to think wade was right about him pissing off the wrong people, and then he starts going on assignments with wade and holy shit his superiors were not gonna believe this

peter gets stressed out just trying to rewrite their case reports to something that actually sounds believable, he doesn’t understand how every damn time he thinks he has solid proof to show to his superiors, it just fucking, something always fucking happens, and it just, just vanishes, like the dead vampire that wasn’t actually dead and walked off, and the alien spaceship that he couldn’t take pictures of because it was invisible, or the shapeshifter that bled blue ooze but you couldn’t tell because the lighting was too crappy when he took the picture

at this point in his career, wade has mostly given up trying to prove anything to his superiors, they expect the crackpot conspiracy theories now, and he doesn’t want to disappoint, but he’ll never give up on being the one to rip aside the curtain and show the world what they’ve been missing out on all this time, and he’s got eternity to do it

wade had been abducted by aliens some years ago, ever since he’s found that he doesn’t age, doesn’t stay hurt for long, and he’s even beaten death

when things go bad and wade gets accused of treason and framed for the murder of the head of the fbi, he doesn’t want peter to go down with him, so he fakes his own death, well he really dies, but he wakes up in the coroners office later and walks away, peter doesn’t give up, he works tirelessly to clear wade’s name and get down to the bottom of things, in the process he ends up uncovering the biggest secret the world has never known and toppling the fbi from the inside out


	380. Chapter 380

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [kit-meridian](http://kit-meridian.tumblr.com/), "Spider-Man is secretly a single father. (Clone? Foundling? One of his girlfriends got pregnant?) One day Deadpool, who has just learned about Ellie, asks Spidey if he happens to know any kids..."

peter and mj had a kid when they were together, their kid wasn’t healthy, something went wrong when their dna meshed and the baby ended up with a terrifying mix of spider and human parts, he had to be on life support as soon as he was born, mj took it hard and her postpartum depression didn’t help, she went back home for a while and when she didn’t come back, peter just let her go, he already fucked up her life and he wasn’t willing to do any more damage than he already had

mj almost sounded relieved when peter told her that their son had died, passed away during the night, it was partly true, peter had stolen, well he’d stolen a lot, he gave his son a new body and uploaded his consciousness, and thats how ben parker became a cyborg, peter didn’t want to tell ben so he just… didn’t, every year he would upload ben’s consciousness into a bigger body just before his birthday, and they would measure ben on the living room door frame so that ben could see how much he’d grown, it was always even numbers

peter home schools ben, ben grows up isolated at home and learns never to leave the house unless it’s an emergency, peter was honestly just trying to keep him safe, but even he realized that isolation was doing ben more harm than good, so when he was talking to wade and wade mentions that he just found out he had a daughter, peter jumped on the chance, he offers to go with wade to meet ellie first, he wants to be sure she’ll be safe, and somehow he thinks meeting her first would tell him that

what it does tell him is that shield has the place locked down, and it would be the safest place he could possibly bring ben, so sometime later, when he’s had time to properly agonize over it, he tells wade he knows a kid, and he doesn’t get out much because ah… mutant… reasons, so wade says say no more and sets up a play date

peter is purposefully cryptic sometimes, this was one of those times when he woke ben up late and told him to get dressed, they both wore hoodies that covered their faces, and after they got to a certain point, peter slipped on his spiderman mask, the one ben will try on when peter is out, and ben’s eyes light up, because he’s never seen spiderman in action in person before, he’s only ever been able to watch the news

peter tells ben to climb on his back and he swings them over to the edge of the property, he’s given ben an upgrade the night before, made sure he’d still function under all the equipment shield had up to protect ellie

ben hides behind peter’s legs when wade comes out to greet them, wade crouches down and introduces himself to ben, tells him he works with spiderman, and asks if ben would like to come inside and meet his daughter ellie, he manages to break ben out of his shell a little when he mentions that ellie likes dinosaurs, ellie abducts ben when they go inside, she starts talking a mile a minute and ben just looks terrified as he lets her lead him around her house

peter tells him to use his soft hands because not everything here is made of metal, and wade asks if the kid has super strength, peter shrugs, it’s technically true, wade eventually pries it out of him that ben is two years younger than ellie, and wade asks what he’s been eating to get so big, peter mutters something about his projected growth being fucked up

ben and ellie get into an argument about dinosaurs because he keeps saying that a brontosaurus wouldn’t have eyes like that and ellie argues back how would he know if he wasn’t there, and ben gets frustrated and accidentally snaps one of her toys, which sets off ellie, which freaks out ben, wade gets to them first and goes to pick up ben, and almost throws out his back, kid weighs a ton

peter steps in and picks up ben like he weighs nothing, he asks him what happened while wade curiously tries to calm down ellie, ben apologizes after peter gives him a lecture on how artistic interpretation doesn’t need to be accurate or literal

halfway through peter gets a call and he really doesn’t want to leave, but wade tells him to just go already, he can look after two rugrats, so he does

wade decides that they’re having ice cream for dinner, ben says peter says he’s not supposed to have a lot of sugar because it’s bad for him, wade tells him that since wade is the one allowing it, he’ll be the one that gets in trouble, ben still isn’t budging so wade tells him he can say fuck if he promises not to tell peter about the ice cream, ben looks at wade with something akin to awe in his eyes and agrees

the ice cream makes his lips go numb and his spoon get stuck inside his mouth, he happily mumbles fuck over and over again while wade desperately tries to unstick the spoon before peter gets back, and ellie laughs so hard she falls off her chair

ellie ends up passed out on the couch with her head leaning on ben’s shoulder, ben is watching cartoons in fascination, they don’t get this channel at home, wade’s tried to get him to go to sleep but apparently the kid just didn’t experience sugar highs

when peter gets back it’s late and ben excitedly tells him about everything that happened while he was gone, minus the ice cream incident, but then peter catches the black ooze coming out of the corner of his mouth and asked him pointedly if he’d been eating sugar, and wade steps in because he did say he’d take the blame after all

he asks wade for a ceramic bowl or something he didn’t mind ruining, and then he has ben lean over the bowl and peter presses a spot on his neck hard and ben is puking up steaming black sludge that smells like burnt caramels, and that’s what it is, burnt sugar, wade tosses the stuff outside before it starts to stink up the house

while ben goes to get himself some water, seemingly unaffected by vomiting up tar, wade turns on peter and demands he tell him something because what in the actual hell was that, and peter hedges because thats what he fucking does, and wade goes alright at least tell me this where the hell did you find him, and peter admits that ben is his kid, and they both whip around when ben’s quiet little confused “what?” startles them both, and peter realizes that he never actually told ben that he was his dad, peter is a terrible father


	381. Chapter 381

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "UM please more cyborg ben parker au please"

peter panics and presses behind ben’s ear, he catches ben as ben slumps against peter, unconscious

and wade freaks out more because, since when could you do the vulcan nerve pinch, and peter reluctantly explains just a little more, how most of ben’s body is inorganic

and wade maybe tears into peter a little because that is the most goddamn sheltered, sad little fuck i have ever seen and you didn’t even tell him that he’s your kid!!

and peter tries to defend himself, like hey i home school him

and wade is just like yeah, i know, he spent half an hour telling me about flux capacitors, kids don’t fucking enjoy talking about flux capacitors unless they’ve been brainwashed

and peter says that he started ben on mechanical engineering early so that he’ll be able to take care of himself when he gets older

and dawning horror sweeps over wade and he asks peter if ben knows he’s a cyborg, and peter doesn’t answer right away, so wade fucking knows, jesus fucking christ dude, at least i was upfront with my kid, what the hell have you been doing

and peter gets mad because he’s been fucking trying is what he’s been doing, ben’s mom doesn’t even know he’s alive and peter is going to keep it that way until they’re both dead, he can’t send ben to school because we all know how great the government is with mutant kids, and peter has to work three jobs just to keep them both housed and fed, plus with ben around the power bill isn’t fucking cheap

they’re both fucking angry now and wade yells that he’s supposed to be a kid, when was the last time he talked to another human

and peter yells back well what the hell else am i supposed to do

and it’s a spurr of the moment thing, but wade yells back well here looks good

and peter just droops, and much quieter he asks really?, and wade can’t take it back now, he just can’t so he says yeah, i’ll see what i can do, and peter is just so tired and relieved and that’s when wade sees a gash in peter’s leg that’s still bleeding, so he fixes peter up in the kitchen and the next day he calls in some favors and gets peter an interview

peter covers ben’s ears when he starts talking to the shield agent, he tells them in a deadpan that he fucked a robot, and any other personal questions will be met with equally sarcastic answers, wade tries not to laugh

peter cries when he drops off ben and all of ben’s things, he had the talk with ben and explained everything, even the cyborg thing, but after the initial shock ben got pretty excited, he said he was like bucky barnes, and peter promised that he could help design his next body

peter takes it pretty hard and practically lives at the house just because he can’t stand to be away from ben for so long, peter nearly blows a gasket when he hears ben say fuck when he gripped his crayon too hard and it snapped in his hand

it was especially hilarious because ben’s usual vocabulary was mostly ice cream flavors that peter used instead of swearing, so now ben would say things like orange fucking creamsickle, ellie and wade think it’s hilarious

ellie is the ringleader and she’ll have everybody playing her games her way, yesterday peter walked in on ben running around the backyard, carrying ellie on his back as she yelled for him to run faster, they were trying to see if ben could fly, peter had to be the one to break it to them, ellie said it was ok because she still hadn’t gotten her powers yet, so maybe she’ll be able to fly

peter begs the avengers for a favor and asks if he can steal bucky for a few hours, and it takes a lot of wheedling, but eventually bucky gives in just to get him to shut up about it

the kids are ecstatic when peter shows up with bucky in tow, ellie asks questions faster than bucky can think and ben forgets to breathe, which doesn’t actually do anything, but still

peter nudges ben and asks him if he wants to say anything, to which ben tells bucky excitedly that “you’re just like me” and punches his leg, peter’s too late and apologizes while he explains to ben that it’s just the arm, just the arm is mechanical, and it’s still rude to punch people without asking first

luckily ben doesn’t hit him too hard so he manages to walk it off with a huge bruise already forming, ben latches onto bucky immediately, and maybe bucky stops by a couple more times just to say hi, ben starts giving peter drawings and letters to give to bucky, he’s sworn bucky to secrecy so the other avengers just think spiderman pays him to work as like a bodyguard or something occasionally??


	382. Chapter 382

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, villain au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from aonymous, "[This post screams Wade Winston Wilson](http://dingdongyouarewrong.tumblr.com/post/168202382430/raptorific-fandomsonceandforever-orestian)."  
> (conman takes a 25% upfront hitman contract and then skips town, a bounty goes up for his head and he takes the job with plans to fake his own death and profit)

so like wade loses his healing factor and since he’s only got like a year to live he decides that he’s going to go out with a bang and piss off as many people as he can before he kicks it, so he takes out every contract he can, takes the 25% up front and disappears like a ghost, and when the hits start coming for him, he takes the highest bidder, now it’s just a game to see how long he can stay alive

he runs into his ex who turned into a mercenary after wade ran off so that peter wouldn’t have to see him die, he’s understandably pissed and he nearly kills wade before wade admits that he’s lost his healing factor and he’s going to die soon anyways, peter turns around and agrees to help him fake his own death, but he starts looking for a way to get wade’s healing factor back behind wade’s back

they run across the world just trying to stay one step ahead of every hired gun and pissed off mortal enemy that’s hunting wade down, when they reach the end of the line and peter knows they’re both going to die if he doesn’t do something fast, he stabs wade with a syringe and then snaps his neck

peter collects the bounty and takes wade’s corpse, it’s a harrowing year while he waits for wade’s weakened healing factor to piece him back together, but it does work


	383. Chapter 383

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, character death, villain au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "what happened after wade wakes up after being dead for a year and peter being filthy rich (the dying wade post)"

haaaa, man is wade fucking pissed, because YOU FUCKING KILLED ME, WHY THE HELL AM I NOT DEAD

but peter doesn’t let wade turn this back on him because I FUCKING TOLD YOU WE WERE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS AND YOU DON’T GET TO FUCK OFF TO THE AFTERLIFE TO GET OUT OF IT YOU ASS

they both wear themselves out shouting and end up laughing their asses off like the whole situation is the funniest shit ever, but it’s more just them being so stressed and relieved all at once, they both end up crying because they kept laughing after it already stopped being funny

wade apologizes for running away, and peter specifically does not apologize for bringing wade back to life, he says he’s on the morally grey side of things now so he gets to pull shit too, like being selfish enough to make sure wade couldn’t leave him again

it takes a long time, and for a while wade moves out, just to get some space, get his head screwed back on right, but eventually they work things out, and it’s different now, but what they have is good

speaking of good, wade also realizes that the bounty peter got for killing wade, plus the money wade stole from all those people, meant that they could both retire and live like kings for a century, which is why he’s so fucking pissed when he finds out peter donated almost all of it to charity

he worked so hard for that, and now that he’s not dead he can’t even enjoy it, peter still ends up getting that jacuzzi installed, and maybe, just maybe its enough to make wade forgive him for that particular transgression


	384. Chapter 384

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is a changeling. -K"

neither peter or his aunt and uncle knew that the real peter parker died with his parents in that crash, and peter would have stayed in the dark for a lot longer if a mutant spider bite hadn’t fucked around with his changeling blood and forced him into his first molt, when peter wakes up with a new face in a pool of his own skin, he almost forgets how his uncle ben had tried to help him when he started screaming and writhing in parin, he almost forgets how he lashed out at uncle ben

he panics and goes into hiding for three months, he realizes that he’s stronger and faster than before, that his senses are heightened and that he can stick to walls, it takes a lot of tries, but he eventually manages to change his face into something resembling peter parker, and when he does, he goes back home

aunt may cries, which makes peter cry, and she’s just so glad to have him back, losing ben and peter at the same time had broken her down, and peter resolved he wasn’t going to tell her what happened, she believed him when he said he didn’t remember what happened and life went on

except life couldn’t just move on for peter, the guilt weighed him down and he took up crime fighting in ben’s memory, he wanted to do something good with his powers, prove to himself that uncle ben didn’t die for nothing, so he becomes spiderman, and its a real fucking rocky road, it takes years for him to figure out what the hell he’s doing, the first suit is laughably bad, and when he moves to spandex it’s just not sustainable, which is why it really came in handy when he learned that he could control his shape shifting, he could make his skin thicker and harder, like armour, he could change the color and pattern of his skin, and it wasn’t long until he just shifted in and out of the costume, it was really fucking gross, sure, but it worked

deadpool was a constant thorn in peter’s side ever since the merc showed up, and wade was the last person peter wanted to find him when a chunk of his stomach got ripped out, wade was panicking, rambling about how he could heal that up easy but peter isn’t him, he’s just a person without a healing factor and he doesn’t know how to fucking fix this

and peter is just trying to fucking focus so he grits out shut the fuck up and puts the last of his energy into shedding his old body, he passed out as soon as he crawled out of the spiderman body

so that left wade with… spiderman’s mangled corpse, which was very much not alive, and the naked blonde chick that just crawled out of it and fainted, he was pretty convinced spiderman was an alien now, but he took both the girl and the corpse home anyways

peter woke up and groaned because he felt like shit, and then he groaned because he’d panic shifted into gwen again, and then he groaned because deadpool was there

deadpool handed him some pain meds and a glass of water, peter took them both gratefully and mushed his own face to make sure he didn’t grow anything weird again, like horns or a third eye on his nose, he asked wade why he brought the spiderman corpse, and wade just shrugged and said he wasn’t sure if peter would need it, the corpse turned into a pile of dust within the next fifteen minutes

peter borrowed some clothes, thanked wade, and left, he shifted back to peter parker in an alley on the way home

after that wade somehow decided they were best friends, he reassured spidey that he wouldn’t tell anybody his secret and honestly peter was grateful, wade asked a lot of annoying questions peter didn’t always have the answer to, he did admit that shifting always made him hungry, after that wade started bringing food to their probably not so impromptu meetups, peter didn’t complain because he was secretly thankful, shifting back was hell on an empty stomach

peter got hurt a lot, and he found himself thinking thank god it’s just wade the third time he woke up on the guy’s blood stained couch, he shifted into gwen a lot when his body panicked, but wade had seen him wearing other faces too, he once asked if he’d seen peter’s real face yet, and peter admitted he wasn’t sure he had one, so wade asked him which face he liked the best, peter hadn’t really thought about that before

the first time peter saw wade’s face was when his mask got ripped off in the middle of battle, he shut down and peter didn’t know how to make it better, so he asked wade if he wanted to see peter’s real face, and wade let out a dry chuckle because they both knew peter didn’t have one, peter reached up and ripped his own skin off, exposing bone and wide unblinking eyes sitting in their sockets, ta da!

it at least got a laugh out of wade, peter and wade danced around talking about what they were, they just started existing closer and closer together and neither said a word when peter just, stopped leaving wade’s flat one day

wade got mad when peter panic shifted into him, he started yelling at peter when he woke up, but peter wasn’t listening, the only skins he ever panic shifted into were all people he’d loved, which meant that.. he… loved…

peter ended up panic shifting twice in one day, and he came out with wade’s body again, wade got worried when peter lurched forward and started dry heaving after shifting again, he stopped being angry long enough to get some food into peter’s stomach

it was probably the most uncomfortable conversation peter had ever had, wade had asked why me, and peter had to swallow the lump in his throat and tell wade that when his body panicked, he usually just shifted into whoever his brain had the closest attachment to, and now that was… wade

and that really tripped up wade because you like me??? and peter groaned in frustration because no you idiot, i’m in love with you, and they both cracked up laughing when wade said it was just fucking weird to hear that from his own face, and peter asked wade if he’d ever made out with himself, and that’s where wade draws the line because he’s not comfortable macking on his own face, and peter says, you know i think i found my favorite face


	385. Chapter 385

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, angst, monster au, d&d au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "silver D&D dragon! Peter and revenant ! wade ( who doesnt have a time limit)"

soooo, about getting rid of that time limit, what if i,,, just,,, don’t 🙃🙃

peter had always had a particularly strong interest in humans from a young age, he just loved watching them, funny little creatures with just their hands and brains to help them, he was always fascinated by how such small creatures could hold so many emotions, and even more he was often tempted into the human villages by the delicious scent of human food

more often than not he’d wind up taking on a humanoid form just to join in their revelry and culture, he’s always been particularly fond of human sweets

sometimes in his wanderings, peter would find a particularly interesting human and latch onto them, it wasn’t often that he would approach them, only watch from afar, wade was one such human

wade wilson traveled with his band of untrustworthy mercenaries on some sort of quest to find eternal life, they would fail of course, but to see them so hopeful, so convinced that they would succeed, only a human could be so brave in their foolishness

peter tried not to meddle in these mercenaries affairs, he really did, but he’d been so proud of wade for coming so far and fighting so hard, what was one cleared path or hidden potion, these creatures would thank their gods and move on, it was adorable really

one dark night, when the others were asleep, wade and his companion, ajax, got into an argument, peter watched with interest as they traded blows and crueler words, he stiffened with shock as ajax ran wade through and left him to bleed out on the ground, alone

peter watched over wade’s body for a week until his rotting flesh groaned and wade’s unfinished business dragged his ragged soul back from his restless grave, he was revenge made whole, and again peter watched

he was happy to see wade alive again, sort of, but it was much less fun when wade acted so strange, he just moaned and walked, a never ending straight line to the man who killed him, he did not sleep nor eat, and still peter watched, he missed the man’s chatter

following wade became… boring, he wasn’t very fast and at the rate the other man was moving, wade would never take his revenge, peter had a brilliant idea one night, he sought out the man that killed wade and stole him away, peter trapped him in his lair high above the clouds where few ever ventured, it didn’t take wade long to follow

peter was delighted, having wade in his own trove, he’d never brought one of his humans home before, but he was disappointed when wade ignored him in favor of vainly reaching through the bars of ajax’s prison, whispering his name with glowing eyes, the killer just cowered

peter was upset, his wade didn’t smile anymore, didn’t laugh and tell tall tales, didn’t cook sweet smelling meats or fight with reckless abandon, he just reached through the cage, eyes never leaving his target

peter got worried when wade began to crumble, over the span of a week wade had become nothing more than a whispering pile of sand and bones and tattered clothes, and peter understood human rage

the guilt that killing his prisoner had brought caused peter to shut himself off from the rest of the world as he served his penance in solitude, with the gleaming white bones of wade sitting atop his hoard of treasure, and ajax’s crushed skull still rotting in that cage, he had tasted humanity and known regret, there was no place for him outside these walls


	386. Chapter 386

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, teacher au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade and peter as substitute teachers at Xaviers U :3"

peter still takes his identity pretty seriously, he’d taken precautions to create a device that countered psychic energy that attempted to invade his person, he’s usually known as the sub with the stick up his ass, because he’s the fucker that would force his students to carry on with whatever lesson their usual teacher had assigned, and since he knew a little bit of everything, the students usually ended up learning something against their will

wade on the other hand was the sub that did not give one flying fuck what he was supposed to be doing, he once showed up half an hour late with his xbox and forced his students to play rock band for participation points, like peter, he always kept his mask on, but it wasn’t for his identity’s sake

everybody is pretty convinced they hate each other, which is somewhat understandable, they’re always at each other’s throats, bickering about something or other, and once when peter was subbing for a pe class, wade managed to rile peter up enough to get him to agree to a game of mutant dodge ball, the damage was extensive, the kids had fun, five people ended up in the infirmary, one of which wasn’t even in either class, and by the end of it peter and wade were just fucking beating the crap out of each other

it was awesome

nobody is in the infirmary when peter and wade drag themselves in, leaning heavily on the wall, peter tells wade he should have dodged at least half of those punches, and wade starts singing hit me baby one more time, peter laughs and they take off their masks and clean each other up, peter sighs heavily and leans his head on wade’s shoulder, “i’m fired aren’t I?”


	387. Chapter 387

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, murder, d&d au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wades toolbelt is a special bag of holding and is very attached to wade"

wade doesn’t actually know that the bag of holding he picked up in a cave is a mimic, who swallowed an actual bag of holding, he just sort of almost strangled it when he picked it up and never noticed

so the mimic decided that maybe this would be fun and didn’t bite wade’s hand off whenever he needed something, it also decided that it was allowed to eat any food wade put in it’s mouth, and some things that were not food, mistakes were made

the mimic makes some executive decisions sometimes, like when wade wanted to charge into a room full of orcs with just a plank of wood he picked up, he’d forgotten that he still had an actual weapon in his bag until the mimic spat it up, wade just kind of assumes that his bag of holding has a very specific trait where it sometimes loses things he puts in it and spits his other things back out when it’s convenient

the mimic has saved his life more than once, and fucked him over a couple of times too, wade tried to keep an enemy he was going to interrogate in his bag of holding once, but the mimic wouldn’t let wade have them back until they suffocated, the mimic only killed them because they tried to kill wade first


	388. Chapter 388

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, murder, d&d au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Okay but from the mimic post, wades bag absolutely adoring Spider-Man (and, for mimic related reasons, knowing that Spidey is Peter) so wades real confused to why the bag always spits up “toys” around both Spidey and this cute little rando?"

the mimic totally sees what’s going on before wade breaks down enough to realize he has an actual thing for spiderman, and the mimic thinks it’s pretty hot shit for figuring that out and declares itself wade’s love life coach, but secretly

so the mimic tries being subtle, spitting up things that wade could use as an excuse to hang with spidey and peter longer, because they’re fucking obviously the same guy, he talks the same and keeps fucking up and addressing wade casually, except they’re both too thick to get the message

so desperate times call for desperate measures, and the mimic starts spitting up some very fucking obvious things, pink handcuffs and aphrodisiacs and at one point a bright green dildo that the mimic had been holding onto since before wade

they still don’t get it, wade just thinks this is more of his weird bag being not very helpful, spidey just keeps getting redder and redder the worse it gets


	389. Chapter 389

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, murder, d&d au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 3, "how would the mimic react after wades first successful resurrection ritual (a.k.a death) ? also i love the mimic x wade bromance"

i mean it is a mimic sooooo, it’d start trying to eat him, as soon as his heart stopped beating, it would have to spit wade back out fully formed and gasping for breath, and wade still doesn’t get it, and the mimic just kinda rolls with it because it really does like traveling, so it’s not going to complain if wade is a little trickier to eat than most people are


	390. Chapter 390

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, sleep deprivation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "New York: the city that never sleeps, but peter really should, sleep deprivation is no joke"

peter parker is a self destructive idiot that works two jobs, goes to school part time, and still puts off going to sleep so he can run around new york in a brightly colored onesie and get the ever loving shit kicked out of him on the regular

it can then be easily inferred that peter parker has shit judgement, which is why he has absolutely fallen asleep stuck to the sides of buildings, slammed into windows while web slinging, and woken up to wade staring at him and muttering under his breath, wade got punched in the face and had to explain he was just wondering if spiderman was dead

he’s almost gotten himself killed just falling asleep in precarious situations and on the edge of roofs, peter has to be careful waking up from that one reoccurring nightmare he has of falling, because he really has woken up just in time to hit the pavement before, felt like getting punched by the hulk


	391. Chapter 391

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, zombie au, apocalypse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "zombie apocalypse survivors peter and wade and ellie"

wade goes all in with the bdsm apocalypse gear, he kidnapped ellie in an attempt to keep her safe when shit started going south, and so far he’s kept her alive, he also gave her an uzi which probably helped

peter gave up on hair after the first month and shaved his head, he lost all his masks and just wears whatever he can find that isn’t torn to hell plus one particularly resilient hoodie, he found one of the old iron man gauntlets in the rubble and messed with it enough to wear it again, it doesn’t have any power so he has to take it off and put it on manually, he’s taken more to fighting with long metal pipes and pieces of rebar he’s torn out of concrete, the farther you get from zombies when you fight them, the safer you are

peter almost mistakes wade for another zombie when they run into each other in the ruins of an old nyc warehouse, they were both raiding the area for forgotten supplies, big cities like nyc were some of the emptiest places because after the initial scare, everybody still alive moved into safe houses and compounds and the zombies that tried to follow them ended up shot

they all ended up getting excited when they realized they all knew each other, ellie was happy to see her uncle spiderman was alive, and spiderman was glad to see both ellie and wade were still kicking, he was doubly happy to know that wade was immune to the virus, wade takes the opportunity to say some variation of the i’m getting lost in your eyes line, because apocalypse or not this is the first time he’s ever seen peter’s face

they team up and wade and ellie follow peter around the city as spidey checks every building for survivors, and sometimes they even find the ones that are still alive, sometimes there’s no saving them


	392. Chapter 392

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, zombie au, apocalypse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "oh more apocalypse au please!"

when wade and peter need ellie to give them some alone time, wade will give her a couple clips and send her up to the rooftops with the instruction to go crazy, she accidentally shot down a rescue helicopter once, nobody died though

they got trapped in an ikea while looking for survivors, and had to make a fort out of furniture so the zombie staff couldn’t get to them, they didn’t find anybody alive, and they almost didn’t make it out themselves, peter had to punch a hole in the wall since all the other exits were blocked, he really fucking loves having that iron man gauntlet

they had to raid a thrift store for more clothes since peter has a nasty habit of getting coated in zombie goo and ruining his, wade found a pair of black studded heels that matched his outfit perfectly, he insisted on wearing them even though they made it harder to fight and run, like father like daughter because ellie insists on keeping a stash of tutus they find so that she never runs out

the three of them become hired hands and get paid by organizations that have started up the first floating cities, they bring in medicines and viable seeds and other supplies they find in exchange for clean food and drink and not broken weapons, finding a handful of budding potatoes is like striking gold

they already tried moving ellie to stark’s floating city, but she absolutely refused, she wasn’t going to leave her dad or his dumb boyfriend alone, they’d get themselves killed if ellie weren’t around to be on the lookout for zombies, she’s probably right


	393. Chapter 393

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, identity porn, tailor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter spider-silk-retailer-and-tailor parker with venom as a snarky assistant and the immortal wade as a repeat customer"

in high school peter developed a knack for sewing after being roped into drama club and taking over the costumes department, after that he just never really stopped, he wound up making an online store for custom sewn cosplay outfits and his business took off from there

he ran into venom by accident, he was going home late after falling asleep in the campus library again, and got ambushed by the symbiote, it was desperate and scared and so peter took it home with him, after discovering the symbiote could make basically endless webs peter’s inner textile nerd took over and he developed what was basically kevlar in the shape and flexible comfort of spandex, it wasn’t easy to dye since the silk was normally black, but peter got a few muted colors out of it

which is why when aunt may’s medical bills got too high, peter took on some er, more questionable customers, one of his regular clients always orders the same thing, a red and black fully body suit with quote, “the strongest shit you have”, so peter uses the venom silk and charges a hell of a lot, over the years he’s added a few subtle stylistic changes, his client never seems to notice

eventually peter gets enough money to open up his own tailor shop, normally venom sticks to him, but sometimes peter threatens to blast something horrible on the store’s speaker system if he doesn’t just get like a ten minute break, so sometimes venom will steal one of the manikins and pretend to be peter’s assistant, they just get in the way

venom was getting in peter’s way one day when a very familiar face walked in, well it wasn’t the face that was familiar, it was the mask over the face, peter made so many reiterations of that mask that he’d know it anywhere

the guy, deadpool, seemed to be genuinely excited to meet peter, he gushed about how cool the suit was after peter fixed wade’s design, and how good it was at not getting ripped even when he got shot, and when peter looked to venom for help venom just smiled and pretended to be busy, because venom is an ass

so peter started getting very uncomfortable when deadpool kept being touchy feely, and when he started blatantly flirting with him, and when deadpool pulled out like twelve different weapons to show him how he managed to strap that many holsters to his person, and when he got a date because he was too scared to refuse

so when the date came around, peter took venom with him this time, and he went with the intention of turning wade down once and for all, even if it meant getting rid of his most loyal customer, but the way that wade looked so genuinely surprised and happy to see him had peter’s will turning to mush

he spent the entire meal trying not to snark back at venom and wind up looking like a crazy person, it was… fun, which was not what peter had been expecting, and maybe he ended up falling in love with that stupid face wade always made every time he saw peter


	394. Chapter 394

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, identity porn, tailor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [pathulu](https://pathulu.tumblr.com), "More Peter the tailor please!"

wade is so proud of his tailor boyfriend, he tells everybody look my boyfriend made my costume isn’t it amazing, which maybe gets peter into a little trouble because now he’s got a lot of vigilantes and heroes and villains knocking down his door looking for the secret to his super strong suits

he usually takes care of it before wade even shows up, venom is a pretty great watchdog after all, it’s actually what makes peter realize that he could use venom to become a hero too, well he ends up actually becoming a vigilante, gets on deadpool’s bad side too, wade always comes back to complain to peter about spiderman, venom thinks it’s hilarious

peter thinks it’s too late to explain at this point, so he just, doesn’t, it’s probably not going to blow up in his face horrifically, probably


	395. Chapter 395

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, identity porn, tailor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "The tailor AU is so cute! Have you thought of how it could blow up in Peter’s face yet?"

so yeah being on wade’s bad side isn’t exactly the best, wade’s taken to shooting at spiderman when he shows up, and ya know peter doesn’t really have any training, he’s pretty new to this, and the only reason he hasn’t died already is because venom is one hell of a costume, however that didn’t stop peter from getting seriously hurt when wade got his leg point blank, which made venom mad as hell

venom took peter home immediately where peter insisted he couldn’t go to the hospital because that would be too suspicious, he takes his own needle and thread and patches himself up, venom stays with him 24/7 now and helps peter hide his limp, and venom’s never happy to see wade

it’s hard to fight venom on this now, so peter ends up cancelling on wade a lot because he literally can’t leave the house

wade started getting worried that something was wrong with peter, so he swung by peter’s shop, peter was in the back room, so wade started flipping through peter’s sketchbook, and found the venom suit designs peter had been sketching from memory

so wade grabs the book and marches into the backroom, and he’s yelling you seriously sell to this asshole, except venom took the aggression badly and pined wade to the wall with black gooey webbing

and peter and wade are just kind of staring at each other, and peter says i can explain


	396. Chapter 396

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade makes it a habbit to always call peter when hes dying, even if he cant really say anything. so that whatever happens , peter knows he was his last and first thought. always"

it actually started because peter couldn’t get over his fear that one day wade would get killed and that would be that, no resurrection, no healing factor, no 347th chance, because even the best healing factor has to have limits, right

so they decided that whenever wade was staring the grim reaper in the face, he’d call peter, peter always drops everything to pick up his phone and just talk, wade can’t always say something, so peter says it for him, he always picks up the phone and says i love you before he says anything else, just in case it’s the last thing wade hears

peter always tracks the call so he can come pick up wade’s body in the aftermath, wade has gotten used to waking up in peter’s arms, it’s a lot nicer than how it was before, he actually tries to get killed less now, he doesn’t like the way peter looks at him when he wakes up, even if he does want the first thing he sees to always be peter


	397. Chapter 397

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, prison au

peter decides to become a prison psychologist after fighting the same bad guys over and over again for years, he thinks that maybe this way he’ll be able to actually change something, and sometimes it works, he gets to know his enemies and helps them rebuild their lives and turn around their outlook, and then he meets wade, wade who accidentally got caught when he took one too many hits to the head, wade wilson who is his friend, who he doesn’t feel comfortable acting as therapist for, but he can’t give a good reason without catching himself in a lie, so he becomes dr. parker to inmate wade wilson, and it takes a lot to break down wade’s walls, peter also learns a lot more than he wanted to, and maybe becoming wade’s therapist was a bad idea in retrospect because now he’s falling in love with the guy


	398. Chapter 398

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, retail au

peter works the floor at a generic grocery store and wade is his manager, neither of them get paid enough to deal with each other

sometimes wade sets up the displays to look like giant dicks and then makes peter redo it all when they get complaints, peter always calls in wade to deal with his customers because he doesn’t have the job security to tell them to fuck off, wade on the other hand does

every time wade threatens to fire peter, peter will shove everything he can get his hands on into his pockets, and when wade comes back a minute later to tell him that he’s not fired and he needs to get back to work, peter unloads his pockets and gives wade back his wallet

peter always sets the timer on his phone when he goes on break so wade can’t yell at him to get back to work one moment sooner that he is contractually obligated to, peter doesn’t give a shit about the no cellphones at work rule, neither does wade, they have a tense but ultimately understanding relationship

if wade thinks peter is falling asleep on the job in the mornings, he’ll ride a cart past him while singing a rendition of wrecking ball, he almost always crashes the shopping cart

they both have a silent agreement to not tattle on each other when they steal cookies from the bakery, they steal a lot of cookies, it just smells so good it’s so hard not to


	399. Chapter 399

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, circus au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "circus performer au where peter is an acrobat/trapeze artist"

peter’s been in the circus since he was a teen, he can do anything from aerial acrobatics to tightrope walking to folding himself in half and then some, he’s always got something glittery and skintight on and he barely ever lets his feet touch the ground, he usually takes naps up on the tightrope platform, he says he feels weird when he’s not fifty feet up now

wade joined up pretty recently, he’s sort of using this as a cover so that he won’t get caught for the hit he took back in tallahassee, he’s pretty good with a blade so now he gets to strap pretty ladies to b-list villain torture wheels and throw knives at them, best job he’s ever had

which is why wade maybe sticks around a little longer than is strictly necessary, he likes the circus, nobody bats an eye when he walks around without his mask on, or when he asks peter for help sewing more sequins on his costume, apparently peter makes his own costumes so he’s very good at this kind of tedious detailed bullshit

peter usually ends up sewing most of them on himself because the way wade does it bugs the ever loving hell out of him, which is fine by wade since he just gets more time to monopolize peter

peter tried to scare him once by taking him up to the tightrope, peter absolutely underestimated wade’s ability to make an ass of himself to impress a hot guy, he almost missed the net when he fell, so peter had to dive after him and angle their fall back into the safety net to avoid getting wade splattered all over the floor

it really throws wade off when peter uses him to practice balancing, he’ll just stand on wade’s shoulder with one foot or if he’s bored one hand while wade goes about his day, and if he complains about it before peter gets off on his own, peter will give him shit for it because wade are you tired already, and wade always takes the bait, his arms end up feeling like jelly the first month


	400. Chapter 400

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman, circus au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Do you remember the circus au? I was going through old posts, and it looks really cool. Does Deadpool still have powers if he’s a merc, and does Peter have powers if so? How would hero-ing play into his life? How did Peter get into the circus?"

nah i think i meant this one to be a no powers au

but peter got into the circus not too long after uncle ben died, peter had been doing a lot of soul searching after ben died, or maybe he was just looking for a direction, everything kind of felt like it was falling apart and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do with himself now, maybe he just needed to get away

so peter comes up with the brilliant idea of running away and joining the circus, so he goes to may to get permission first, and she says you can do whatever you want after you finish high school, so peter finishes two years early and joins the circus, his ballet training meant he was good enough to start the tightrope, and from there he tried acrobatics and contortionism, he watched a lot of youtube videos throughout the years

every time he’s back in new york he always sends tickets to aunt may, and she never fails to see his shows, she’s really proud of him and always takes him home for some homemade cooking and circus gossip


	401. Chapter 401

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, circus au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [poisonousfruitbowl](https://poisonousfruitbowl.tumblr.com/), "More of the circus au please!"

wade gets a little too comfortable in the circus, maybe he let this one slide because he was always moving, maybe he just didn’t care about the consequences, whatever it is, he regrets it when he gets found out

he sees a shady looking bunch of assholes pushing in past the ticket booth and shoving everybody aside, and he recognizes some of them, he takes off running right as they catch sight of him

wade’s gotten so lax, he doesn’t actually have any guns on him, peter sees him running by, just yelling shit over and over again as a group of guys in suits chases him, and they’re all armed

peter hits the button that drops all the aerial aerobics equipment and yells at wade to hop on, wade and peter grab the hoop and wade throws a knife at the switch that pulls everything back up, cracks it, and sends himself and peter soaring for the top of the tent as the men below start shooting

peter manages to get them to the tightrope platform without getting hit, and without any instruction besides “don’t let go” peter throws one of the aerial silks at wade and swan dives off the platform, stopping himself nearly at the bottom and landing on one of the suits face, making him drop

wade catches on and starts running across the tightrope, maneuvering peter’s silk around as he goes, peter let his feet hit the ground long enough to spin himself around with the silk, and when he let go, he wrapped himself in the silk and stuck out his feet, he started mowing down suits like some sort of deadly human top, wade was laughing manically for most of it

security got there soon after and helped clean up, peter climbed back up to check on wade, who immediately pulled peter the rest of the way up and started gushing about how amazing that was

and then peter had to ask what a bunch of goons wanted with wade, wade ignored that and said i’d love to do something like that, to which peter grabbed his collar and fell backwards

wade screamed as peter caught his feet on a trapeze and kept wade from certain death by holding onto his wrists as they swung through the air


	402. Chapter 402

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter and wade start dating before peter tells wade about him being spiderman, peter nearly gives himself away when he reflexively kisses wade goodbye while he has the spiderman costume on, wade goes home feeling sort of guilty because even if he didn’t want to kiss spiderman, he still technically kissed spiderman, his boyfriend peter parker is very understanding and tries not to laugh when wade comes to him with his very serious face on and apologizes for not actually cheating on peter with… peter


	403. Chapter 403

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From [spideypool-prompts](http://spideypool-prompts.tumblr.com/post/168382070605/prompt-288), "the world is black and white until you meet your soulmate. when you’re soulmate dies it turns black and white again. i️ imagine it really screws with peter since dp is always dying"

omg can you imagine the first time it happens tho, peter is just minding his own damn business, wondering who in the hell his soulmate is, because there were a handful of people he technically met that night when he was kicking ass and taking names as spidey, and it coulda been any one of them, and he’s just buying his fucking caramel macchiato at starbucks, and as soon as he takes the cup from the barista, everything goes black, and the world fades back in in familiar black and white, and he realizes he dropped his drink, and he’s kneeling on the floor in a puddle of caramel goddamn macchiato thinking no i didn’t even get to meet my soulmate, not yet, not yet

and he just gives up on everything that day, calls in sick to work and emails all his contacts that he can’t make it to whatever he was going to do today, just goes home and finally gets out of his clothes that still smell like fucking caramel macchiato, but while he’s in the shower he starts realizing that the tiles look weird, and he almost slips and cracks his head open on the tile just trying to get out of his shower to make sure, and then he really does trip and fall into his caramel macchiato covered clothes and he’s got it all over his face now, but that’s not important, and he wipes away the condensation on the mirror and his eyes are brown again, and it’s absolutely impossibly real, his soulmate is back

caramel macchiatos leave a sour taste in the back of his throat after that, so he just stops getting them, he realizes p fast it’s wade, who else can come back from death itself, he doesn’t immediately do anything about it, it’s not an easy decision to make, wade is the exact opposite of what he wanted in a soul mate and he can’t say he’d be the guy’s first choice either, but after talking with aunt may, he takes her advice and gives it one try, as it turns out that’s all they needed


	404. Chapter 404

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

peter is so painfully head over heels for wade, he has to keep desperately covering up whenever venom takes over and tries to get the two of them together already, venom once made peter kiss wade, peter said he tripped on an invisible wrench, and then proceeded to pretend to pick up the invisible wrench and take it home with him


	405. Chapter 405

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Peter:** this feels like a very straight person thing to do

 **Wade:** [admiring his own severed, stuffed, and mounted junk]

 **Wade:** yeah you're right

 **Wade:** i was just looking for an excuse


	406. Chapter 406

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, android au, scifi au

peter is an android, and not a particularly advanced one at that, he’d been thrown out after his charger port got too fucked, wade had picked him up at the dump and replaced his port

wade found peter had a couple core pieces missing in his programming and substituted it with what he had laying around, it works since peter wakes up again, he’s not entirely useless, even if half his language chip is gone and wade had to teach him common all over again

peter is obviously not meant to be a worker droid, but he’s strong enough that he can help wade, he runs a salvage place as a front

peter starts realizing something along the way, well he actually realizes he can realize things, something wade did left peter with the perfect setup to edit and create his own code, meaning he can learn more than androids should and think for himself

he’s afraid of what would happen if he let anybody know he’s not just another standard home system and keeps quiet, peter falls in love with wade and gives up on any plans he had of running away, he’s terrified of wade finding out that a robot fell in love with him, so the question is, how long is peter going to hold out before he defies wade to save his stupid ass from getting killed, because wade seems to have a death wish


	407. Chapter 407

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, android au, scifi au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "i... need... more... android au............ pls...."
> 
> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/) reading, “MORE OF THE ANDROID PETER AU”

the laws of robotics are as follows:

1\. a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm  
2\. a robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the first law  
3\. a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law

peter still knew those laws, even if he had no intention of following them when wade’s life was in danger, some goons caught wade out front, without a weapon and without a means of escape, he was trying to talk his way out of it, badly

so peter found one of wade’s blasters and shot both goons in the back, wade put off dealing with peter’s sudden free will, because he was very aware of what was going to happen to him when thing one and thing two didn’t come home that night, so he grabbed his emergency bag and peter and took his fastest ship out of there

peter had been expecting to be shut down and discarded, but all he got was wade asking him how in the ever loving fuck did he do that, but peter didn’t really know either, he just… can

wade has to get used to treating peter like, well like a person, because he’s a robot and robots don’t normally develop their own consciousness, peter has some quirks that just set wade on edge, like how every morning he wakes up to peter staring intently at him, peter says he’s just watching over him, and how peter keeps a blaster on him at all times just because he can

peter thinks letting the cat out of the bag was the best fucking thing to happen since he learned how to stream movies in his head, wade is great, he asks peter his opinion on things now, and they talk and wade listens and it’s great, and wade can’t tell him what to do now so peter is free to watch wade as much as he wants, he’s already got a massive file just full of information on and pictures of wade, wade is the best

wade also makes good use of peter, they’ve pulled off more scams than they can count, because nobody pays attention to androids, peter has already smuggled wade through at least half a dozen military checkpoints


	408. Chapter 408

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter and wade have a dog, peter’s the one that trained the dog and now it only responds to commands in yiddish, wade claims this is obvious favoritism, peter says he’s not the favorite because when wade comes home after missions that take him out of country she barrels through the door and into wade before it’s even open all the way and licks him until his mask is soggy


	409. Chapter 409

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, jewish peter parker

wade ends up getting ellie on the week haunakkah begins this year so she gets to tag along as wade goes to visit peter, ellie complains that christmas should be longer too and hoards all her spoils when peter and wade let her win at dreidel


	410. Chapter 410

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, fantasy au, magic au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "fantasy AU please :3"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, "tribal AU ??"

WEREWOLVES, U GET WEREWOLVES

wade is the self aware protagonist that still rues the day he pulled that fucking sword out of that fucking monster’s mouth and got himself a one way ticket to fucking aching thighs and bruised everything, everywhere he turns there’s always something trying to kill him, and he’s gotta walk for like a year straight just to get where the goddamn mystical lady told him to go, well she more threatened him and everyone he knows with a slow and painful demise if he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain he never agreed to, but hey at least he got a goddamn mystical sword that glows when there’s water nearby, so basically it’s fucking useless

so far the only pro from all this bullshit is the hot guy he accidentally saved, well hot werewolf guy he accidentally saved after they tried to kill each other on sight, after wade sliced the swamp siren’s head off, peter came back to himself enough to recognize the sword of legend and brought wade back to his pack

wade had to admit, the whole feast in his honor and three straight days of drunken revelry was pretty awesome, even if most of the food was raw meat

peter was appalled at how unprepared wade seemed to be for this whole save the world business, so he brought it to the attention of his pack leader and she decided that the pack would go with wade, there was always strength in numbers, and this way wade might actually make it without getting himself killed first

wade basically cuts his travel time in half since the pack shifts to travel, and wade can easily ride on top of peter while he runs, peter is also great to sleep with at night since he turns into a giant fluffball, wade just has to be careful of suffocating when peter rolls over in his sleep

peter also takes the time to teach wade how to keep himself alive on his own, what would kill him, what would save his life, how to set traps and watch for monsters, wade didn’t know a lot of the basics since he lived most of his life in a big city, right next to a castle and everything, he didn’t ever think he’d be running around in the wild with a pack of werewolves and learning to fight for his life

wade isn’t very familiar with werewolf customs, so he didn’t realize that uh that one particular flower he found at the edge of a waterfall that he gave to peter was as good as an engagement ring, and he didn’t realize the huge celebration a week later was his wedding, and he also didn’t realize that he was married to peter until it was far, far to late to back out or ask what the hell was going on


	411. Chapter 411

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, monster au, fantasy au, magic au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Canst I haveth the details of werepeter and wades wedding ?? that is so very floof"

it was a massive celebration beginning on the night of the full moon and lasting almost a full week with singing and dancing and there was a huge bonfire that wade could finally use to cook his own meat, which was amazing since he’d been having to build his own campfires just so he could eat, and wade couldn’t figure out why everybody kept decorating him and peter with flowers

the pack leader gave a moving speech that had peter crying by the end, well wade guessed it was moving, she gave it in her wolf form so…, the kids found rainbow glow worms and crushed them up to finger paint each other, wade got bowled over by a bright pink glowing pup at one point, totally winded him and everybody laughed while the little one transformed back to apologize to wade, he even tried joining in when the howling started up again when the moon rose, peter just patted him fondly, he obviously thought it was adorable that wade was trying and failing so badly

peter and wade also got matching carved wooden necklaces with little stones embedded in them while everyone cheered, wade thought that was neat, he wasn’t really sure why they were the only ones getting fancy jewelry, but some of the others already had similar necklaces so he just kinda brushed it off, it was probably a cultural thing, he really wasn’t getting it


	412. Chapter 412

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade save-mother-earth Wilson cuz hes one of the idiots thats gonna live in it long after mistakes are made"

wade gets a reputation as an eco terrorist, he’s not above taking matters into his own hands and sabotaging pipelines and fracking sites, he’s at the forefront of arson attacks on luxury housing and development that send local ecosystems into a panic

“that’s for mother nature, asshole”

he’s threatened and bribed plenty of politicians into backing clean energy bills and pushing for more eco friendly reform, he can and will punch anyone in the face that tries to tell him climate change isn’t real, because bitch i’m gonna be around when it becomes an even worse problem

he ends up becoming a kind of an eco friendly symbol, people paint his mask green and stick his logo on anything from save the pandas to clean air protests to selling wind turbines


	413. Chapter 413

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, apocalypse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "post apocalyptic dystopia. peter is a scavenger who finds wades dead body. he tries to steal from him but then wade wakes up."

peter screams when wade grabs his arm, the guy was dead, totally gone, no pulse and lying in a puddle of his own congealed blood, he was fucking dead, which is why peter had a heart attack when wade grabbed him and told peter that he’s really more of a put out on the second date kinda gal, and then threw up blood all over peter

peter feels bad about leaving the guy there, he’s obviously hurt, so the least he could do was give the guy somewhere nice to die, so he took wade back with him to his makeshift home he set up in a cave, except wade didn’t die, in fact he got better real quick after he had something warm to eat

wade was the worst travel companion, he never shut up and half of everything that came out of his mouth was an innuendo and he just would not leave, and it was all getting real old real fast, peter briefly considered disappearing into the night and just ditching wade, but then he’d think about how lonely it is out here and how he hadn’t talked to another person besides wade in months, and he’d think to himself i can always do it tomorrow

peter gives up on abandoning wade altogether when they fight off a gang of ravagers and wade shoves peter out of the way just in time to get hit by the truck that was chasing them down, peter made short work of the ravagers after he managed to leap onto the truck, he got a cool new jacket too

he was going to take wade’s weapons and keep moving, but wade grabbed his hand again, and he screamed again, and wade said we really have to stop meeting like this, before he vomited blood all over peter’s nice new jacket


	414. Chapter 414

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is 15 when he starts being Spiderman and it doesn't go well for him. Society hates him, media hates him and the Avengers doesn't treat him well. His life isn't the best. When he's 19 he had to choose between the life's of one bad guy or dozens of innocent people so he makes his first kill. Of course everything went downstairs after that. Both life's of Spiderman and Peter Parker are awful and depressing but somehow he can't stop.   
> Deadpool is the only one who tells him that he did the right thing by killing that guy and that he saved people. Peter had to kill some more in order to protect people but nobody ever thanked him and he’s just receiving hate. Except for Deadpool who keeps telling him that Peter is a hero, that he saved people.  
> Miles comes to the scene as a new Spiderman and somehow everyone loves the new Spiderman. Miles wants to help Peter but Peter tells him that there is no help for him anymore but he agrees to the team ups, telling Miles that he only agrees to this so Miles won’t have to do things he would regret and people would start hating him too.

initially peter wanted nothing to do with this new spiderman, wanted to keep his stained reputation as far away from the kid as possible, but then he came asking for help, and peter remembered what it was like to be a dumb kid with the weight of the world on your shoulders and no idea how to carry it

peter and miles make an odd pair, peter keeps calling the shots for him, makes sure miles doesn’t have to make those hard decisions and kills for him when he’s up against a wall, and miles is just so stubbornly optimistic, keeps telling peter that there’s always time to change, that he can still become a hero, that he already is in miles’ book

wade tells him that miles is a smart kid and maybe he should take the advice, it’s the same thing peter kept telling wade all those years ago, and for once peter actually starts to feel like a hero, even if he’s only got two people in his ring and the whole world keeps tearing him down, he’s still got two people that look up to him as a hero

miles grows on peter, and peter has an open door policy when it comes to miles, if he’s ever in any trouble he’s got peter on speed dial, and if he needs to get patched up he knows where all the first aid supplies are at peter’s place, peter made miles his own web shooters and gave him the whole with great power comes great responsibility speech, miles sometimes stops by peter’s place just to pick up some more web fluid, peter had to tell him to cut down on the fancy webwork after the first week when miles went through web fluid faster than peter’s paycheck could restock the stuff

miles hadn’t really known too much about wade, he knew that peter knew him, and that he had a reputation, but that was about it, which is why he’s horrified when he stops by peter’s place for some more web fluid and walks in on peter and wade, together, he panicked and yelled sorry at the top of his lungs as he practically dove back out of the window, sans web fluid

it felt weirdly like he’d just walked in on his parents, peter apologizes later and wade is unrepentant


	415. Chapter 415

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

the first time peter invites wade to his aunt’s house for dinner, wade is fucking ecstatic, he wears his clean pants and peter manages to convince him to leave the mask behind, aunt may greets them both with a smile, may says peter’s already talked her ear off about wade and she feels like she knows him already, dinner is amazing, wade couldn’t quite describe how amazing it felt to sit down to a homecooked meal in a place that was just warm and cozy enough with someone he loved, he got may to tell stories about peter as a kid while peter turned red as a tomato, aunt may got out the photo album so she could show wade pictures of peter’s bar mitzvah, peter just groans because aunt may traps everybody into talking about peter’s bar mitzvah, it’s tradition


	416. Chapter 416

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

If you don’t think that wade would find the worst possible hanukkah sweaters every year then you’re wrong, peter looks forward to it because they’re always so awful and he’s always so surprised, may always calls him early on the first day and tells him to send her pictures, wade is proud of himself


	417. Chapter 417

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, the voice au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "The Voice!AU (??? lmao)
> 
> where Peter is a young (maybe in his mid twenties) but very famous and successful singer and is one of the judges and Wade is the singer with the most beautiful gravely soft voice doing the blind auditions that sings a sad touching song that has all four chairs turning around and Peter straight up walks into the stage and hugs him cause the song got the most ice hearted judge on tears and Wade picks Peter’s team cause he said things that made his insides warm and mushy to convince him; they start a funny and cute friendship full of banter and bromance and some viewers start shipping them then some controversy/rumors goes around saying Wade is only still on the show cause he has something going on with Peter (for the angst even tho i don’t like it much) tots ignoring the fact that wADE IS FCKING TALENTED AND HAS THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL
> 
> does Wade charms the audience and wins the show? if not, does he get the 2nd or 3rd place? what about behind the scenes? are there really something going on between Peter and Wade that isn’t only friendship?
> 
> sorry abt this and if there are any mistake cuz english is not my mother language, but anyways idk why this idea suddenly hit me since i barely watch this show and i had to ramble this to you cause i like tour plots a lot <3"

k so peter would be a successful popstar, he’s always wearing insane outfits and there’s a bunch of like buzzfeed articles on how he’s challenging the gender binary by like just wearing fucking makeup and feminine clothes, nobody really knows what he looks like without heavy makeup and even though he acts like a marshmallow on the show, he’s really serious about winning

and wade is a retired fire fighter after a building fell on him and he almost died, he’s also a cancer survivor and it still shows, and when he sings nobody turns around because they’re all too entranced to move, not a single soul in the entire building makes a noise and when the last note fades all four judges hit their buttons at the same time, all of them are wiping away tears, the judges and everyone in the audience stands to applaud him, peter and the other two female judges are trying not to smear their makeup

wade is trying not to get emotional and gives a little speech about how he never thought he’d live long enough to stand on that stage, much less get his voice back after everything that happened to him, and peter is the first judge to break and hop off his chair and run to give wade a hug

everybody wants wade, and wade honestly hadn’t been expecting to get picked, much less by all four judges, he’s totally overwhelmed, the judges all give their speeches and then peter goes, and he’s still standing by wade’s side, and he takes wades hands and looks him in the eye and tells wade that he’s the most beautiful person peter has ever met and wade kinda forgets to listen after that because he’s gone, peter got him right in the heart, he’s in love, so yeah he picks peter

peter is honestly a brutal coach, but he’s also good, wade is impressed by how much he ends up improving, he’s obviously peter’s favorite and they end up hanging out together a lot outside of practice and the show, wade’s a little stunned when he sees peter’s face without makeup for the first time, because he just looks so normal, it’s totally weird, peter ends up taking wade to the drag bar he got his start at and they get dressed up and perform a duet together, which is when the rumors really start to take off

peter’s not stupid, he knows this is partly a popularity contest, so he plays up their relationship online, wade is a sympathetic character and he quickly becomes a fan favorite, they almost broke the internet when peter posted a selfie with wade sleeping in his lap

wade makes it to the finals, but finishes as the runner up, second place, and it’s frustrating as hell for peter, but wade cheers just as loud as if he’d won first place, because look how far he got, the whole experience was the best time of his life and he’s just so happy to have done so well

peter’s record label ends up picking up wade and they release an album together, wade ends up becoming more popular than the person who won and peter and wade keep popping up in each others music videos, wade and peter attend the american music awards together, peter had a huge performance entrance, and at the end of it wade hopped up on stage and carried him down to their seats on his shoulders, peter cheered so loud his throat hurt when wade got up on stage to accept his award

wade gave a heartfelt speech on how he got where he is now, and thanked peter for always believing in him and being the most important person in his life, and then he took the mic and jogged over to peter and got down on one knee, and said i figured this might be better than a ring, and proposed with his award


	418. Chapter 418

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

**peter on passover:** we are one with the matzah


	419. Chapter 419

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade are married and have a kid. But then Peter dies (either during a mission or while stopping a robbery or so) and Wade was there and blames himself for not saving Peter. Peter's death breaks Wade and causes him to go insane again so SHIELD lock him up. Now there kid is left without anyone and decides to take on the mantle of both Spiderman and Deadpool and goes out to kill the people who took his parents from them."

they weren’t perfect sure, but they were a family, and that was something that all of them had worked so hard to build, they were happy, and then it was all just… gone

after peter died wade didn’t take it well, wade disappeared so ellie just decided not to go to school, when she saw her dad get taken down by SHIELD on the tv she knew they’d be coming for her next, and there was no way in hell she was going back into the system, she broke into the room wade kept all his weapons in and took peter’s web shooters

ellie cobbled together a costume with her deadpool halloween costume and the spiderman mask wade left on the table, lets see SHIELD try and take her now


	420. Chapter 420

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

it’s cold outside and warm inside and peter and wade are curled up on the couch, sharing a blanket, with the tv turned down low, wade is drifting off with his head cradled against peter’s shoulder, peter is humming shabbat songs and it’s the most peaceful wade’s life has ever felt


	421. Chapter 421

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bakery au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Rival bakers Wade and Peter"

wade was here first, damnit, and he wasn’t going to let some hotshot kid who put fucking neon lights all over his damn store run him outta town, he built his bakery first, and from the ground up too, if this guy wanted a fight, he was gonna get a damn fight

peter managed to find a business partner to start up his baking career, it was technically a cafe, but the real draw was his baking, the place had a weird modern vibe the felt more uncanny valley at night under the strictly red neon that covered the place, alright so it was weird, but the food was good, he made sure of that, and just down the street there was even a real home styled bakery just like he’d always dreamed of, he’d been meaning to go in and check the place out but he kept chickening out after catching a glimpse of the hot baker that worked there, his nerves just couldn’t take it

wade is the one who goes to peter’s place first, he’d forgotten to bring his thermos this morning, and the starbucks was a surprising distance away and he really didn’t feel like hopping in his car just to get some coffee, so ugly neon place it was

it was early so wade wasn’t actually sure if the place was open yet, figured it wouldn’t hurt to try and let himself in, peter was the only one there since he came in early every day to get things ready and start baking, when he saw wade he dropped an entire tray of cookies in surprise and thanked the absolutely stupid red lights for covering his blush

wade completely forgot why he hated this stupid place as soon as he ran into peter who was babbling up a storm, he ended up coming in for coffee every morning after that just to see peter before either of their shops opened, they’re both still working up the courage to ask each other out and keep bringing each other pastries just as an excuse to see each other more


	422. Chapter 422

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade and Aunt May have a weekly get together. May has never lost a game of billiards. -K"

wade actually ran into may at a bar downtown totally by accident, the had a drink together and may told him how she used to date the owner and when they broke up she won partial ownership of the bar in a game of billiards, she settled and gave up her ownership in exchange for a lifetime of free drinks

wade made the mistake of challenging her to a game of billiards and wound up losing $200, may agreed not to tell peter and in exchange she and wade meet up every thursday night for a drink and a couple games, he’s never won a game


	423. Chapter 423

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

**peter on any given jewish holiday:** this is my favorite jewish holiday


	424. Chapter 424

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "It is still early December when Wade comes home with a Santa sack absolutely loaded with cheesy Hallmark holiday movies with the goal of watching every. single. one."

wade got the whole santa costume with the itchy fake beard and everything and climbed in the window and scared peter so bad that peter ended up punching wade in the face

peter felt so bad he accidentally agreed to marathon wade’s whole sack of dumb holiday hallmark movies before knowing what he was agreeing to, they ate so much popcorn within the first four hours that they both got sick

peter passed out on wade halfway though and wade woke him back up, they had to keep shaking each other awake, neither of them made it, after the first 28 hours they both passed out


	425. Chapter 425

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [rbssns](http://rbssns.tumblr.com/), "Writing prompt. Somehow someway Spiderman can now here Wade's boxes"

peter fucking hates magic, because magic is bullshit and he should just leave well enough alone the next time some magic villain goes looking for a beating, let the cops handle it for once, or call in the avengers, they live here too after all, but no peter had ti take the high road and fix everything himself

he got some sort of curse flung at him or something, because the next time he touched someone a huge spark zapped them both, and now peter and wade can hear each others thoughts, peter has been singing the same three lines from rararasputin on repeat over his thoughts for the last three hours just to make sure wade couldn’t understand what he was thinking, to be fair it was already pretty hard to hear anything what with four different voices all yelling at once

he never really got what wade had meant by boxes until now, and god were they fucking awful, he felt like he understood wade a lot better after having to put up with them for five minutes

peter keeps getting derailed by shouting at the boxes, which makes him look insane because half the time he ends up yelling out loud, it’s kind of useless hiding his identity because they’re literally linked, wade already knows who he is now, so they meet up at wade’s place to try and figure this shit out, peter’s got some amulets he’s ah borrowed from doctor strange, he’s hoping they might do something

peter and wade both try to ignore the frankly filthy thoughts rolling around in wade’s head the whole time, white and yellow have no such qualms, in fact they start piecing the thoughts together to make their own porno, peter is quietly mortified and wade is trying very hard to scream over it all in his head, it’s not working

peter’s so desperate to make it stop he does the first thing he can think of to make them all shut up, he kisses wade, and it worked


	426. Chapter 426

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade likes to wear peters shirts and always ends up ruining them one way another so peter improvises and turns them into crop tops"

wade likes to borrow peter’s clothes, peter has no idea why and frankly it’s starting to be a problem, wade’s a lot bigger than him so when he gets his shirts back they’re always stretched to hell, torn, or stained with weird glowing substances and some black sludge that smells like cashews, he doesn’t ask

peter hates throwing out clothes, hates it, he and wade have a semi steady income now, but he’s still reluctant to throw anything away, wade keeps telling him he has a hoarding problem, wade is wrong of course, peter doesn’t have a problem, he’d know if he had a problem, so he finally figures out a solution, crop tops

he can still wear the shirts at home at least, and this way wade can’t ruin them any more then they already are, wade laughs at him the first time he comes home to peter eating dino nuggets while perched on the counter in sweats and a crop top, but wade ends up wearing them too, since peter doesn’t get mad when he wears the crop tops instead of his normal shirts, only wade actually wears them outside, peter tries not to think about it too hard when wade buys a bedazzler


	427. Chapter 427

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nerd store au, suit shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from spazkittyx3, [this post](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/post/168542344068/so-i-work-at-a-video-game-store-in-a-mall-and).  
> (person A works in a suit store nearby a gaming store where person B works, sparks fly)

peter would work at the nerd shop, he’d feel super self conscious around wade who works over at the suit store and has been flirting with him?? maybe??? peter doesn’t want to get his hopes up but it still makes him flustered as hell

wade has been going over to peter’s shop to flirt with peter and was using video games as an excuse to talk to him, except he really started to get into it and now he’s asking peter for all his favorites and binge playing them all night

wade stormed into the shop one day as soon as peter opened and slammed down breath of the wild in front of him, claiming that there was a glitch because he couldn’t ride any of the horses, peter usually has a policy of not laughing at his customers, no matter how stupid their complaint is, but he couldn’t hold it in

peter went ahead and set up the game on the display switch and showed wade that he had to find horses that required less stamina, wade asked peter if he’d like to come over to wade’s place and show him again, just to be sure he got it *wink wink*


	428. Chapter 428

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, nerd store au, suit shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [moonymoon-moonmoony](https://moonymoon-moonmoony.tumblr.com) for a part 2.

they end up getting too excited about the game and spend the whole night on side quests and wade makes it his life’s mission to collect all the outfits, peter keeps trying to tell him the temples are more important, but wade keeps insisting on grinding just so he can sell more items and buy more clothes

game night becomes a regular thing for them, wade’s coworkers keep teasing him since he still hasn’t gotten a real date with peter yet

peter ends up visiting wade at the suit store because he needs something to wear to his aunt’s awards ceremony, and he doesn’t own anything nicer than a striped polo shirt and jeans, wade goes all out, peter looks amazing in a suit and wade has to physically keep himself from drooling

as he was checking out, peter mentioned that he didn’t have a date to the ceremony, and it was this friday night, and maybe if wade wasn’t busy… would he like to come?


	429. Chapter 429

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [bookbirdcaptain](https://bookbirdcaptain.tumblr.com/), "shapechanger Peter who only turns into different spiders. no one knows if it's because his mutation only does spiders or if he just really /really/ likes spiders."

nah, it’s totally because peter is a huge spider nerd, he changes into different spiders to study their habits and try making webs, like literally it’s never occurred to him that he could try other animals, he’s pretty dead set on spiders, he’s already written like fifty different research papers on spiders, he goes to exotic spider exhibits just to figure out how to shift into new spiders

one of his favorites is daddy long legs just because it’s fun to scuttle around on those legs, he’s got like three pet tarantulas and he regularly shifts into a tarantula to play with them, he’s still trying to figure out how to communicate with them better


	430. Chapter 430

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you write instances where deadpool and spider-man are working together or run into each other when the other superheroes of New York are around, from the p.o.v of those other superheroes?"

matt just rolls his eyes fondly, peter and wade always bicker like an old married couple and he has to keep reminding them to focus on the battle, he won’t admit it but he likes the two of them, he still hasn’t told peter he knows his secret identity

wade always teases peter about his very obvious crush on tony stark, usually when tony’s around to hear it, tony just wants them to stop fighting each other long enough to actually help him stop all these fucking giant ass bugs so he can go home, he was worried about spiderman’s recent choice of company, but steve talked him down, said wade wasn’t actually as bad as people made him out to be

steve actually likes teaming up with the two, he doesn’t understand the majority of anything they banter about, but he still respects the both of them, and to be honest they all work pretty well together, he could do without the both of them commenting on his ass like he’s not there though

hulk doesn’t really like wade, he’s really protective of his friend spiderman and gets really frustrated that wade won’t stay dead when he hits him, he also gets upset when peter tries to tell him not to smash wade, because there’s no way in hell that deadpool is a friend

thor thinks they’re both delightful, they’re always overflowing with midguardian culture, and they’re fine warriors to boot, he’d be honored to fight alongside them any day, he’s always happy to humor them when they ask to film him doing earth things for “the internet”

wanda mostly avoids them since being around wade gives her a headache and peter just doesn’t trust her enough to think anything but the word elephant over and over again until he’s out of range, they’re kind of annoying so it’s not a real loss to her

clint doesn’t trust either of them as far as he can shoot them, which is pretty damn far, they both strike him as too irresponsible to be doing what they do and it gets on his nerves that neither of them takes any of it seriously, he’s not above leaving wade with an arrow in his leg just as a parting gift


	431. Chapter 431

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter stays with aunt may for hanukkah, they’re making latkes together and it smells like home, peter asks how long he should fry them for and aunt may tells him four minutes, so peter says alright then three it is, and aunt may slaps him on the back of his head and blames him for having such a hard head that she hurt her hand, it’s perfect


	432. Chapter 432

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

wade made matzo ball soup once, peter was very confused, wtf is this wade, and wade is like matzo balls?? and peter is like why are they so fluffy???


	433. Chapter 433

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter invites wade to come with him and his aunt for jewish christmas, they see a comedy and then go out for chinese at his and wade’s favorite takeout place, peter’s a little embarrassed that the waiter knows them by name


	434. Chapter 434

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, body swap au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Body-swap AU ? :3"

it’s not good, wade just barely manages to block up his ears enough to stop the ringing in his head, the sounds are all too loud and he can’t even open his eyes, the smell of sweat and blood in the suit is too overwhelming, he has to rip off the mask so he can vomit his guts out, he curls up into a ball and just silently cries, waiting for it to stop

peter doesn’t do much better, he drops to the ground screaming, his skin is on fire and there’s three bullet holes in his stomach closing over and he can feel it, he just barely manages to drag wade and himself back to wade’s place

peter strips wade so the suit doesn’t irritate his skin and leaves him on the couch, peter makes it to wade’s shower and collapses after he turns the water on high, he didn’t even bother to take off the suit, he didn’t think he could, he knows he’s probably burning his skin off too but at least it feels better than it did

wade doesn’t move from the couch for the first three days, peter doesn’t leave the shower for the first week, wade can’t do much more than drink water, but he makes peter something to eat, peter keeps telling wade he’s so sorry, and wade tells him to shut up already you’re too loud

they finally shut off the water and wrestle peter out of the suit after the first week, wade accidentally rips the suit into shreds, everything is slightly less hellish now, still sucks ass, just less so

they don’t even leave the apartment for another three weeks, peter gets reported missing, nobody checks in with wade

peter doesn’t want to, but he knows they’re both pretty fucked, so he calls tony, he gets them both into boxers and puts their masks on, it’s not great but peter’s still paranoid as fuck, and he knows how wade feels about his face, tony brings bruce, wanda, and a lot of equipment

it takes another three days before they can figure out how to magic peter and wade back into their own bodies, and when it’s done wade blows up his place and moves again, he and peter end up running into each other a lot after that

wade gets peter noise canceling headphones and peter brings wade skin cream he made in the lab, they don’t like to talk about it, but they understand each other a lot better now


	435. Chapter 435

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

peter parker that was born half jewish and grew up around his parents occasionally speaking yiddish and going to a synagogue nearly every satuday, he’s estranged from a lot of the culture when his parents die and he goes to live with his gentile aunt and uncle who honestly try to keep the jewish aspects of his upbringing, growing up peter celebrates his bar mitzvah and has both hanukkah and christmas, as an adult peter tries reconnecting with his jewish roots and takes hebrew classes in college, he keeps shabbos candles around but doesn’t always light them and he teaches himself to bake challah, he starts going to the local synagogue’s Passover seder


	436. Chapter 436

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

wade buys himself and peter novelty menorah hats for hanukkah, he surprises peter the first day, they’re awful and peter loves them, he hasn’t taken it off yet and it’s already the third day


	437. Chapter 437

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter and wade’s favorite hangout is Mexikosher, the best kosher Mexican place in nyc, wade hadn’t realized peter was jewish when they first met and tried making friends by bringing food, except peter asked if it was kosher and wade couldn’t say yes, but instead of brushing him off, peter took wade to his favorite place and it eventually became their place, so now the staff don’t even care when peter and wade show up in full costume for a late lunch


	438. Chapter 438

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ocd peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "Severe OCD Peter. Like, severe. He can't do anything without counting everything first. He can't leave rooms without taking a step with his left foot out of the door first. Full blown panic attacks in the battle field if something knocks him off the ritual. Other heroes know but they don't, or cant do much. Soon Peter's afraid to stay home alone. Wade steps in. He knows what its like for your brain to fuck with you."

sometimes peter is late to a fight because he couldn’t stop swinging around until he’d used his left and right webshooters the same amount of times, and that number of times has to be a multiple of three, it’s a problem in battle too

it gets worse when he’s off his meds, but with aunt may in the hospital still and peter trying to pay off her last surgery bill, he doesn’t exactly have the money to get back on his meds or continue seeing his therapist

wade’s the one that saves peter from getting himself blown up when he had to stop at the door of the warehouse full of explosives and make sure he left with his left foot first, he was angry as fuck and started yelling at peter as soon as they were both out of harms way, peter spent the whole conversation counting syllables

after the second time peter nearly gets himself killed, wade tells him that he either needs to get his shit together or hang up the mask, so peter stops wearing the suit, he realized he was a danger to himself and others and his ocd kept amplifying those thoughts until he couldn’t stand it anymore, he just couldn’t be alone without being terrified, he didn’t realize he was calling wade until he’d already hit dial

it wasn’t how peter had wanted to unmask himself, wade got there in ten minutes and helped peter through his panic attack, peter finally spilled his guts about his aunt and just everything that was going on, when wade left peter found a huge wad of cash in the fridge, he tried to give it back to wade later but wade just said it wasn’t his, peter gives up after the third time and finally starts using it

if peter notices when wade breaks into his house to hide money like some sort of nightmarish santa claus, he doesn’t say anything, aunt may makes a full recovery and peter gets to a point where he can start being spiderman again


	439. Chapter 439

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideytorch, jewish peter parker

ben was over the moon when johnny brought home peter, he asks every time johnny gets a new partner if they’re jewish, and he finally got one, ben was more heartbroken than johnny was when peter broke up with him, johnny had to tread lightly over the next few weeks, ben still hadn’t forgiven him for peter, he was convinced that it was johnny’s fault somehow, peter still visits for the holidays and keeps in contact with the fantastic four, and ben finally got over the betrayal


	440. Chapter 440

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, actor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "actor!au with Peter as actorman who does his own stunts and wade as the co-star's stunt double?"

peter gets cast as the lead in a supernatural buddy cop movie, so he’s always getting thrown off things and blasted into fake walls and punched in the face, he’s supposed to be a vampire so he’s got to do all these crazy things and then be able to scale a building in a minute flat and fly

his co star is supposed to be his surly werewolf veteran partner that doesn’t always play by the rules, he’s got just as many stunts as peter does, but he’s not stupid enough to do them all himself

wade is the one that ends up jumping off buildings and zip lining across skyscrapers with peter, peter has no fear, for one scene he’s supposed to just fall off a bridge, so the director told him they should do a test run first, peter got hooked up and immediately took a running leap off the platform, even wade wasn’t looking forward to stepping off the edge, he thinks peter is a little insane

they end up practicing their combat scenes together after work a lot, they use fake knives, but it still fucking hurts when one of them gets a jab in the side, the first time it happened wade looked at peter with so much concern brimming in his eyes that peter got tongue tied and called for a break

peter challenged wade to a race up the outside of a gothic church they were filming at, and threw in loser pays for dinner as they started climbing, wade loses and spends all dinner trying to figure out if this is a date, he kinda gets his answer when peter kisses him goodbye


	441. Chapter 441

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter always has a bowl of bamba out and wade hates it because he’s always expecting cheese puffs and instead he gets peanut, it’s like a fresh betrayal every time


	442. Chapter 442

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, song fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Holy mack, “Love me now” John legend song fic?? Some of the lyrics kinda fit cos well, Deadpool can basically live forever but Spider-Man can’t Q^Q"
> 
> [Love Me Now by John Legend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmCFY1oYDeM)

after peter wakes up in an avengers icu room with wade sleeping in the chair next to his bed, peter gets hit with his own mortality, wade wakes up to peter sobbing uncontrollably and hugs him around all his broken ribs until the morphine kicks in again

peter and wade stick to each other like glue after that, the nurses keep trying to kick wade out, but who’s going to tell a gun toting mercenary what to do

when peter goes home wade stays over, peter wakes up to wade’s crap shoved in the closet and wade curled up around him in peter’s sweats, he goes back to sleep and doesn’t yell at wade later for stretching out his clothes

when wade finally has to leave for a week long mission peter stars working on a new program, it’s titled peterAI, he locks the file and doesn’t tell wade, wade doesn’t need to know just yet


	443. Chapter 443

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, trans peter parker, jewish peter parker

peter has a bracha for t injections


	444. Chapter 444

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

ok but the avengers inviting peter over for hanukkah and they’re all playing dreidel and when peter lands on gimmel he yells hanukkah sameach bitches like every time, at the end of the day wanda still ends up with most of the vodka chocolates they’re playing for


	445. Chapter 445

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

there’s a couple phrases that peter says in yiddish all the time, when asked what they mean he can’t actually say but he knows how to use them in context


	446. Chapter 446

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

peter is the one that puts ketchup on latkes, and wade gives him shit for it because he mixes applesauce and sourcream to dip his in, much to peter’s disgust, aunt may is on wade’s side and peter feels betrayed


	447. Chapter 447

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

wade secretly learns yiddish for peter when they start dating, the first time he breaks out his yiddish knowledge peter answers back in yiddish without even realizing it, peter had a delayed reaction while he realized something was different and they both ended up laughing


	448. Chapter 448

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

aunt may sends a glass as soon as wade tells her he’s going to propose, it kinda ruins the surprise but in the best way, the chuppah is covered in red and white roses and when they kiss tony stark sets off the sparklers he secretly installed beforehand, and wade takes the chance to murmur into peter’s lips, see always told you there were fireworks every time we kiss


	449. Chapter 449

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, jewish peter parker

whenever wade dies, peter sticks around long enough to say a mi sheberach over his corpse, wade sometimes wakes up in the middle of it but doesn’t move until spidey leaves, and then one day when wade gets taken out in a fight near a local campus, he wakes up to peter parker saying the same mi sheberach that spidey normally does


	450. Chapter 450

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

**peter, showing up out of nowhere and flip kicking a bad guy in the face:** shalom motherfucker!


	451. Chapter 451

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

every year peter and aunt may light a yahrtzeit candle for uncle ben, peter can’t fast because of his metabolism, so he compromises by keeping his meals simple, peter visits his uncle ben’s grave every year and renews his promise to be spiderman to help others, because it’s the best thing he can think to do in his uncle’s memory


	452. Chapter 452

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, jewish peter parker

spiderman stops a rabbi on the street to ask if using his powers counts as work for Shabbat, because like walking isn’t considered work and for peter sticking to things is sometimes involuntary, and he uses his webs to get around, but the webs aren’t a part of his body and he usually only uses them when he’s all suited up, and he doesn’t just use his webs to get places, it’s a whole thing


	453. Chapter 453

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

peter first kisses wade when wade brings along mistletoe on a teamup and tapes it to his forehead, peter laughs and as a consolation prize for trying lifts up his mask and kisses wade through his, wade hesitantly lifts up the bottom of his mask and asks if peter could try that again, he does, it’s great


	454. Chapter 454

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

wade gets the biggest goddamn christmas tree he can find, they have to chop off the top of the poor thing just so it’ll fit in peter and wade’s crappy little apartment, the star is smushed in between the ceiling and the tree, they put the sad little treetop in water and bring it to aunt may who puts it up on the coffee table and decorates it


	455. Chapter 455

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

wade has made it a personal goal to outdo himself every year when it comes to bad christmas sweaters, peter still has nightmares about the lisa frank christmas unicorn one, it was certainly a conversation piece


	456. Chapter 456

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

peter accidentally makes his gingerbread cookie dough too crumbly and all his gingerbread men end up in pieces, wade stages a little chainsaw massacre gingerbread house scene, there’s red icing everywhere, peter thinks it’s hilarious


	457. Chapter 457

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

a week before christmas wade takes peter to Disney since he’s never been before, they get there early morning when the park first opens and they both get sugared up on churros and junk food, peter and wade keep yanking each other around the fairy tale part of the park, they’re both huge dorks that can’t decide which ride they want to go on more, they go on splash mountain twenty times at least and wade buys every commemorative photo that he can, and by the time it gets dark they sneak up on top of the roofs in mainstreet and settle down to watch the fireworks, but just before they start, wade gets down on one knee and unbalances, he throws the ring box at peter as he tumbles off the roof, peter is yelling “YES” after him and they both get caught and have to run from the Disney police, it’s the best night of peter’s life and they’re still breathlessly laughing by the time the fireworks end


	458. Chapter 458

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

peter tells wade to get a tree and he steals an already decorated one from some other guy’s front lawn, well if they didn’t want it stolen peter then the guy woulda put a lock on it or something, it was just sitting there, out in the cold, waiting for me, it was like it was screaming take me, take me now, god please


	459. Chapter 459

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

aunt may drags peter and wade out caroling, wade has a surprisingly good singing voice and he gets really into it at one point and doesn’t notice when everyone around him trails off so they can listen to him sing like an angel, several people end up crying because it’s so moving


	460. Chapter 460

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

for christmas peter gets wade a spiderman hoodie and wade gets peter a deadpool hoodie, neither of them planned this


	461. Chapter 461

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, christmas

venom likes the idea of christmas gifts, they leave a slab of steak wrapped in butcher paper with a big gold bow under the tree for peter, the apartment smells like rotting meat for weeks

they don’t really like wade so he just gets a paper towel with his name scribbled on it in sharpie, peter laughs his ass off and wade just takes down the stocking with venom’s name written in glitter glue and throws it out the window

peter laughs while wade goes back to unwrapping gifts


	462. Chapter 462

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade get into an argument over whether or not the nightmare before christmas also counts as a christmas movie


	463. Chapter 463

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

peter and wade go all out this year and decorate the tree with probably twelve more strings of lights than the poor thing can hold, they just barely avoid catching the apartment on fire when wade tries to warm up some milk to make hot chocolate and the power goes out, for the whole building


	464. Chapter 464

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

wade is red green color blind and when peter changes up both their suits for the holidays wade doesn’t even notice until someone else points it out


	465. Chapter 465

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers, christmas

peter gets a call and suits up, rushes over to the avenger’s tower, and finds out that clint and natasha just called him to help out decorating the massive tree in the lobby


	466. Chapter 466

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

when peter gets home christmas day, he walks into an apartment that seems to have grown a carpet of mistletoe on the ceiling, he doesn’t even get to ask why before wade tackles him


	467. Chapter 467

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, christmas

when evil robo santa attacks new york, wade decides to be a little festive when he suits up and tapes mistletoe to his mask, but try as he might he couldn’t get any takers, to be fair it may have something to do with the exploding presents flying through the air and the fact that everyone was focused on the battle

but after it’s all over and everybody’s heading off, somebody finally notices, well spidey tells him he’s got something stuck on his face and plucks the mistletoe off wade’s mask, he laughs when he realizes what it is and kisses wade on the cheek before swinging away with a merry christmas

wade vows to never wash this mask again, not that he normally does anyways


	468. Chapter 468

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

spiderman and deadpool both act all tough and serious in front of each other because they’re both just huge dorks that are trying to put on a show, peter is secretly terrified of wade and wade is secretly in love with peter, so wade’s always hoping that spidey will talk to him and the only way to do that is to get in his way, and peter just wants their interactions to be the fuck over already so he can run for the hills because interacting with wade and keeping up his cool facade is so damn stressful


	469. Chapter 469

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

even though peter is shorter than wade and looks like he wouldn’t weigh that much, he’s pretty much pure muscle and weighs a ton, wade made the mistake of trying to pick peter up with one arm once, he pulled something and had to wait while his muscles repaired themselves


	470. Chapter 470

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, depression, suicide

wade who’s delt with his own crap for most of his life and actually got his shit together, and peter who has never in his life asked for help and doesn’t want to start now, even though he’s suicidal and keeps putting his own life in danger while running around nyc sleep deprived and in footie pjs, and he probably forgot to eat this morning and hasn’t finished college yet because he keeps getting too depressed to do the homework and heroing keeps pulling him out of class, and he’s just an absolute mess

and wade is the one that helps him pick himself back up and actually deal with all his fucking shit in an actually healthy manner for once, and tells him to go to bed at a decent time you fucking idiot, and brings peter food because you have to eat to live you walnut, and gets him to go to the shield shrink for once in his goddamn life


	471. Chapter 471

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter never swears as spiderman, like he makes a point of not swearing as spiderman because spiderman is a hero that people look up to, so wade gets used to spidey just not saying anything entirely too questionable

and they get closer and share stories and end up talking at 2am on a roof with tacos about love and the universe, and after wade gets his mask ripped off, peter makes a gesture and takes off his own mask, and wade laughs at him bc you totally look like a nerd, i though you were gonna be like an underwear model or something, and peter tells him to shut up, and wade says make me, and peter kisses him and everything is amazing

so when wade shows up at peter’s place the next day with lunch and peter opens the door and says, “oh thank god, i’m fucking starving”, and wade just stops functioning, because that was probably just an auditory hallucination right, except its not and peter swears like a sailor and makes raunchy sex jokes that make wade blush and wade didn’t think peter could have been any more perfect, but he was wrong, he was so very fucking wrong


	472. Chapter 472

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spideypool

later in life peter just goes full social recluse and hides out in his house all day, as soon as he wakes up, he does all his work online and then swings around the city stopping crime, he’s usually pretty exhausted so he just doesn’t hang out with his friends too much, he does remember to call them regularly though

he orders all his shit online, which means everything from totally unhealthy food choices to new spider suit upgrades to trashy romance novels to world saving weirdness, and the lucky fuck that ends up delivering most of his shit, is wade, the poor fucking postal worker that sometimes ends up going to peter’s house more than once a day just to drop off special order packages of questionable content, at least the guy is cute and sometimes forgets to put on clothes when he answers the door all bleary eyed and definitely half asleep


	473. Chapter 473

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter totally abusing his vigilante status to crash whatever party the villains have going on, there’s like a local baddie and sort of baddie meetup every second tuesday night of the month and peter will always show up without fail, they serve free food and he always cleans the place out, sometimes his bad guys will try to get him thrown out, but then he’ll pull the whole you guys let in deadpool and the punisher, and technically they’re heroes, and when they say but you’re not even an antihero, he’ll just pull up the latest edition of the daily bugle on his phone and just read the headline


	474. Chapter 474

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter has a bad habit of webbing things to the ceiling instead of putting them down, so when he reaches for a pen or his mug he’ll just wave his hand around in the air before realizing he’s in public and his coffee is still on the table


	475. Chapter 475

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

wade gets easily addicted to games where you have to take care of virtual pets, he’s got about twelve different apps and will stop in the middle of a fight to take care of them, he was big into tamagotchi a while back and had waaaay too many of those things clipped to his belt, the longest he ever got without killing them all was two months


	476. Chapter 476

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

when peter bonds with venom, he picks up some weird hobbies that venom pushes him into, wade isn’t complaining when peter shows up at their usual rooftop with a ton of rejected baking experiments in tupperware, as it turns out venom has a sweet tooth and has been making peter sleep bake for the last few days, peter keeps finding cooking shows on his netflix watch again list and it feels like he’s getting some new appliance or fancy pot delivered every other day, he can’t stomach most of the sweets himself so anything venom doesn’t think is good enough for them to eat peter pawns off on wade

peter helped venom set up an instagram and he takes the pictures, since venom can’t figure out how to do it themself and ended up breaking peter’s last camera


	477. Chapter 477

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade thinks he and spiderman have a frenemies thing going on, peter is just straight up trying to restrain himself from jumping wade’s bones through snark and sheer willpower, he is failing

wade made the mistake of telling peter to suck his dick once, and peter obliged, then panicked and ran away, and now wade is stuck trying to figure out what the hell just happened


	478. Chapter 478

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter once called Steve "Dad" and Wade has never let him forget."

ok but nobody lets it go, all of the avengers give him shit for it too and when father’s day rolls around and spidey meets up with cap for an impromptu teamup, steve asks if he gets a fathers day card, peter’s enhanced hearing picks up on the rest of the avengers laughing their asses off over the coms

but he actually had a card, wade had left a fathers day card on the table at home with a sticky note telling peter to sign it for their favorite old man

so when peter pulled out the crumpled card and gave it to steve, he kind of regretted letting wade pick the card, it was totally inappropriate, and peter chokes when he goes into work as lab intern peter parker the next day and sees that dumb card on the break room fridge


	479. Chapter 479

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

wade has to go out of town last minute on a job so peter promises to take ellie to the zoo for him, it’s honestly not peter’s fault this time when things go to shit, it was one of his villains mutating all the zoo animals while they were there

peter has to change into his costume and ellie helps him try to wrangle all the animals, which is hard to do when alligators sprout wings and kangaroos can shatter steel with a kick

he buys her the biggest stuffed animal the zoo has and makes her promise not to tell wade what they did today, wade finds out anyways when ellie posts pictures of her and spiderman riding neon colored elephants with three trunks through nyc


	480. Chapter 480

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter has a pet cat so when something goes bump in the night he just keeps sleeping and assumes that his asshole cat is doing something he’ll regret leaving for morning peter to deal with

wade knows about peter’s secret identity and eeeeh sorta breaks into peter’s place sometimes for the hell of it, but he usually does it when peter isn’t home so that he won’t get mad

except peter was actually home and not out being spider man when wade snuck in and he had to hold his breath when he accidentally bumped into peter in the dark, lucky for wade, peter thought he was the cat and started talking in his vague direction while feeling his way to bed bc he was too tired to turn on the light

and wade was going to bail, swear he was, but then peter started talking to his “cat” about wade and wade couldn’t just leave without peter finding out and now he’s in too deep and can’t risk being exposed, and he gets the shock of his life when peter starts gushing about him and how much of a coward he is for not asking out wade

when wade finally manages to escape, he spends a week just trying to figure out if peter knew he was there and was fucking with him, or he honestly didn’t know wade was there


	481. Chapter 481

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Thor gets Peter drunk at the holiday party. He's a very flirty drunk."

ok but yes, he just never gets to be drunk, so when he finally gets smashed for the first time he’s absolutely gone, he has no resistance whatsoever, he’s hitting on everything that moves one second and puking his guts up the next, he’s just a mess now and he’ll regret everything tomorrow when videos of spiderman crying when tony stark gave him a kiss on the cheek start popping up

he tried getting wade’s attention by throwing mistletoe at him, except he forgot to let go and ended up punching wade in the face while still holding onto the mistletoe, peter kinda mumbles to himself about that not working out right and when wade lifts up his mask to spit out blood, peter ends up staring at wade’s lips and accidentally voicing all his thoughts, the ones that normally stay inside his head, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, even when bruce chokes on his eggnog and clint starts laughing

he ends up trailing after wade the rest of the night babbling slurred awful pickup lines and mostly failing on the delivery


	482. Chapter 482

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

because he lived in the bad part of town for so long, peter still has the habit of grabbing the nearest object and swinging out at the first sign of movement he sees, which was great when he had a baseball bat, lived alone, and couldn’t take out a wall with a single punch

but now he lives with wade, and wade leaves weapons everywhere, and peter has spider powers

wade learned his lesson the hard way the first time he tried to wake peter up with a kiss and found himself coughing up blood instead, peter had felt so bad that wade almost felt guilty letting peter try so hard to make it up to him, also he keeps all his swords out of the bedroom now


	483. Chapter 483

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bi peter parker

peter who has a hard time in his last year of high school when he gets outed as bi, who starts feeling like his life is just going to be shitty forever, who can’t find any mainstream heroes that are like him and starts getting scared that this is as good as it’s going to get

and then he runs into deadpool while racing around nyc trying to get some pics of captain america for jj, and hearing him shout “KISS MY PAN ASS MOTHERFUCKER” was kinda like a breath of fresh air, peter looked him up later and ended up becoming a fan, he’d never seen an openly queer hero before and deadpool was peter’s inspiration to come out as bi as spiderman years later

after becoming an established hero and turning down the avengers, he still hadn’t officially met deadpool yet, and honestly he’s scared that he’ll geek out if he does, like he did with most of the avengers, seeing the iron man suit in real life was a dream come true

to his surprise, it’s deadpool that geeks out and asks spidey for an autograph, peter is totally star struck and asks wade to sign his… his, shit, shit he doesn’t have paper or anything, he yanks off his glove and asks wade to sign that

they’re each other’s biggest fans and they don’t even know it


	484. Chapter 484

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter learns a new word: antirobinasticidia. He never understood why he loved Wades scars so much until he realized that he might have a slight scar fetish"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Peter likes to point out the fun shapes in wades scars, a lot of them look like cats to peter for whatever reason”

it kinda hits him some time after they start dating, he always traces shapes into wade’s scars when he wakes up before wade in the morning, and his favorite thing is to hold wade’s hand when the gloves come off, and just the feeling of wade’s skin starts to, do things to him

at first peter is hilariously mortified, he starts avoiding wade, which does not work, like at all, since they live together, he goes to mj and gwen with his ah relationship problems, they were both laughing too hard to give him any real advice, great friends peter

peter eventually breaks and just spills it all to wade when wade asks if peter wanted him to cover up more, because peter couldn’t stand the hurt look in his eyes, wade laughed so hard he started coughing up a lung, peter said he hoped wade choked and stormed off, wade had to sleep on the couch that night


	485. Chapter 485

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade doesn't really know how people boundaries work so he's constantly asking Peter about his boundaries and Peter finds it both endearing and annoying. "Can I hold your hand?" "Wade, we've been living together for months." "That doesn't answer the question, Peter.""

like he’s especially hesitant around peter bc he’s scared of scaring him off, he usually lets peter ask for things, like kisses and moving in, it quite honestly ticks peter off and they’ve gotten into some fights over it, eventually they get to the point where peter’s convinced wade to at least ask for things he wants

peter’s found himself indulging wade in a lot of dumb couples things, like recreating the lady and the tramp pasta scene, sharing a scarf, holding hands in public and waking peter up in the morning with kisses

is it any wonder peter loves him?


	486. Chapter 486

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Okay but you know the thing where Toby, Andrew and Tom are spider brothers? And each of them reacts differently to Wade. Like Andrew is the one who likes Deadpool and flirts back, Toby just hates him and Tom just finds everything awesome? And Wade is just confused because he doesn't realize it's three different people because he always only sees one and keeps getting mixed signals?"

poor wade, he takes it real hard when he thinks he and spidey are finally hitting it off, just to get smashed into the pavement by the same guy the next day, he starts thinking spidey has a personality disorder after he goes from broody to excitable chatterbox in the span of one day

it kinda fucks him up real bad when he figures the whole thing out, not only has he been on an emotional roller coaster, he’s also been hitting on a fucking teenager for the last year, christ

it takes a lot of fucking apologies until wade’s even willing to look any of them in the eye again


	487. Chapter 487

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, resturant au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Identity porn au where Pater finally quits his job at the Daily Bugle after he lands a pretty decent job as a waiter at some fancy restaurant (cause of his spider sense and elegance and balance doesn’t let him drop a single drop off of the tray or on the tray *flash backs to Tobey’s Peter saving MJ’s lunch tray from falling on the floor* but nothing too obvious like this because secret identity reasons) and his pretty and cute looks gets him a good amount of tips from de old rich ladies.
> 
> Said fancy restaurant one day gets robbed by some guys, hostage situation and everything, and Peter can’t save the day cause he was stupid and lazy and was late so he didn’t have time to put on his Sipder-man suit under his civies clothes so now he can’t do anything and risk revealing his identity as the vigilante.
> 
> And like God listened to his prayers once in his life Deadpool shows up he heard the commotion and didn’t want to miss the party, his words. So he saves the day, surprisingly, without killing anyone (maybe it was because of the kids in the room with their families, maybe because it was what spidey woul do), just breaking some bones and cutting a little finger off, oops sorry this was an accident.
> 
> But the mercenary gets intrigued by the pretty waiter that didn’t even flinch when one of the goons was carelessly waving around a gun when threatening people or when he broke one of the guy’s arm or when he cut the finger of the motherfucker that tried to threaten the kids. It was interesting and kind of suspicious how calm the guy appeared to be.
> 
> Since then Deadpool started to frequent the restaurant and…?
> 
> (Bonus: Peter starts selling super heroes pics online for extra cash money, yes it includes Spider-man’s)"

yesssss, like there’s just something off about peter, and when wade gets a hunch it’s usually for a reason, so he looks the guy up and whadda know, he’s a freelance superhero photographer, and looking at the kind of action shots he gets, he’s no stranger to danger, heh

and that’s when wade gets the brilliant idea to hire peter to take pictures of his favorite spider themed hero, so he takes up the restaurant owner on that free meal, except peter isn’t working that night

he doesn’t want to seem like a creeper, so instead of asking for peter’s schedule, he just starts coming to the restaurant, every, single, night

peter thinks wade is onto him when he comes to the restaurant, and asks peter to get him spiderman pictures, not for some article or something, just to like have, which is not at all creepy, but this is deadpool, the crazy merc with a touchy trigger finger

and his manager kind of insists he do it for their favorite hero or he’s fired, wade starts hiring peter regularly for spiderman photos, and one time when peter was walking around nyc with his camera, wade popped up and started posing, peter keeps the pictures, the more he’s around wade the more he likes the guy


	488. Chapter 488

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I don’t know if it’s a fanfic that’s already been written or if it’s a prompt that already exists but it’s something like: soulmates au where your soulmate thinks of a song and you hear it in your head too.
> 
> So, in this case Wade wouldn’t know about this because his parents never taught it to him cause his father is distant and abusive and his mother died when he was very young. So he runs away, joins the army, thinks the songs that he sings in his head are random songs he listens somewhere at some point but doesn’t remember very well, is discharged, discovers he has cancer, goes through weapon x program and gets his powers and the voices in his head.
> 
> Peter, as his soulmate, then is capable of listening Wade’s boxes and freaks out like “wtf am i going mad???” cause the boxes are, you know, violent and so not him but ain’t nobody has time for therapy nor the money, so he just tried to deal with it. At some point he notices that the voices in his head are cruel to a third (fourth??) entity that he can’t hear but not to him. Crude and haunchy, but never mean.
> 
> Wade, after getting the voices, always thought that Peter was a third voice he couldn’t hear or a telepathic thing between White and Yellow or something like that. So when he meets Spider-Man and the boxes are extasic he doesn’t understand and then he starts talking with them in a whisper and then the boxes say something funny and he tries not to laugh so he doesn’t seem crazier than que already seems but Spidey is laughing his ass off and then he gets it…
> 
> Or not.
> 
> “Spidey also has telepathy?? Wow that’s so cool, what am i thinking now?”
> 
> ( I’m sorry I know I’m annoying the shit out of you ;^; )"

not at all dude, i love soulmate aus!

peter shakes that particular incident off as wade being, well wade, he tries avoiding wade because he makes the boxes get louder and more annoying for some reason, but wade just keeps showing up and it’s really getting hard to think when he’s around

the big reveal comes when wade’s been singing the same stupid 90s pop song for the last three days straight and the boxes have been joining in specifically because it’s been driving peter insane, he’s just sitting on a roof trying desperately to tune it all out and just stands up and just kinda screams at the sky that if he has to listen to barbie girl one more goddamn time he’s gonna jump

now at this point in his life, wade’s got a vague idea of how soulmates work, but he never really connected it to the songs in his head, he thought it was always just something the boxes did instead, so hearing somebody calling him out for singing in his head, he puts two and two together pretty fast

peter gets weirded out by how much the boxes are talking to the third voice about spiderman, he’s really fucking mad that the boxes apparently know who his soulmate is and aren’t telling

wade’s still debating if revealing himself is the best idea


	489. Chapter 489

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, actor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "actor!au with Peter getting injured doing a stunt?"

peter the break out star and wade the veteran actor who specializes in action movie villians bc of his scars, who both do their own stunts and start getting ehhhh, slightly over competitive and trying to one up each other by doing more and more dangerous stunts

so when they’re both showing off on motorcycles and peter does a handstand on his handlebars, he hits a pothole he didn’t see and gets thrown off his bike

he wakes up to wade sitting next to his hospital bed with a worried frown on his face, wade lights up when peter says his name and he fills in peter on everything that’s happened, tells him they still got enough footage so they don’t have to redo the scene, that he broke an arm and cracked three ribs

peter is frustrated as hell being benched for a good three months, he still shows up to set to do what he can, and because he’s a workaholic wade gets fed up with him being an idiot and drags him back to his trailer and tells him he’s going to fucking sit there and watch netflix and order in until wade’s done working so he can take peter home already, you broke your fucking arm jesus christ, just take a fucking nap already


	490. Chapter 490

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "The one in which Peter is a COMPLETE arachnophilliac and makes Wade buy him spider things and an entire room designated for spider cages and could probably make a fortune with the amount of spiders he has like a lot. Some may have been acquired with questionably legal ways. He just. Love spiders. HE CAN TALK TO THEM AT THIS POINT. Also, he likes persuading people to hold them and making them extremely uncomfortable becase he desnt remove the spider. He just like, plays on his phone they fidget"

wade is a good boyfriend and keeps an eye out for rare spiders on the black market, peter doesn’t question where wade gets him spiders, mostly because he’s straight up stolen some of his spiders, even if he justifies it with they were dying in that kind of environment

wade also has to be careful where he steps because sometimes peter lets out the bigger spiders to get some exercise, and most of them end up escaping at one point or another

he’s a little jealous of peter’s spider venom immunity, because the last time he got bit by one of peter’s weird australian spiders he was puking up his guts until he finally died, it was fucking awful

peter’s poor friends get exposed to peter’s weird spider hobby whenever they come over, he always pushes them into holding a spider, neglects to tell them how poisonous the spider they’re holding is, and then leaves them alone with the spider to go do something else he just remembered

wade’s the one that usually swoops in to save them if they’re in any real danger, but it’s mostly the non poisonous tarantulas that peter talks people into holding, they end up donating some of the dead ones to the local museum, which now boasts the worlds largest collection of preserved spiders


	491. Chapter 491

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

aunt may isn’t stupid, so when she realizes that peter is spiderman, she starts taking self defense classes just in case, her instructor is wade wilson, who is doing this as part of his extensive community service work that shield is making him do in order to get hired

he and may hit it off, she tells him about her nephew who recently moved out to go to college and is working himself to the bone, wade ends up confiding in may about his crush on a guy that doesn’t want to give him the time of day


	492. Chapter 492

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, office au, no powers au

office au where wade is the hotshot ceo that only got this job because he fucked his way to the top, but is actually charismatic, well connected and competent and does well

peter is in IT and is starting to regret the six years of college he had to endure to get his degree and wind up here, peter’s boss’s boss, the ceo of the goddamn company has decided to personally fuck over his life and call him up every five seconds to fix some stupid problem with his computer, like this morning he somehow lost the usb plugin for his wireless mouse and called peter to his office because his mouse wasn’t working

wade minored in cs and knows exactly what he’s doing, he was having a bad morning one time and just called up IT instead of fixing it himself when his computer decided to fuck him over, and an actual angel walked into his office, so now he spends an embarrassingly large amount of time just thinking up ways to get peter back in his office, this morning he threw the wireless mouse usb plugin out the window, totally worth having to get a replacement

he doesn’t know what to do about his stupid crush, since he doesn’t know how to talk to peter, and he can’t hit on him or anything, because that would be largely unethical, he’s the fucking ceo


	493. Chapter 493

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, office au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Love the office au!!"

wade ended up forgetting his own birthday, and got dragged out on a bar crawl last minute by his friends, he showed up to work completely smashed and would have gotten away with it if drunk him hadn’t decided it was an AMAZING idea to call up peter, he didn’t even bother coming up with an excuse this time

peter thought it was hilarious and used babysitting wade as an excuse to get away from work for most of the day, as it turns out, wade’s a pretty decent guy when he’s not all business stiff

the next day wade is horrified, he sends an apology letter and fruit basket to peter to make up for his unprofessionalism the other day, peter thinks it’s adorable and starts agonizing over the fact that he maybe possibly sorta totally has a thing for his boss now, because what the hell is he supposed to do about it?


	494. Chapter 494

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter is a huge nerd, but sometimes his dyslexia gets in the way, so he’s got a giant library of audiobooks on tapes from when he was a kid, cds from high school, and an entire itunes library full of books

he’s got one of those huge old boomboxes that he keeps in his bedroom to play tapes and cds on, last night he and wade listened to jurassic park and wade griped the whole time about what an asshole the younger sister is in the book, like sure mortal peril and everything, but she’s still an asshole


	495. Chapter 495

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter being an oblivious idiot, like he just doesn’t take anything wade says seriously and doesn’t realize that all of his friends would date him given the chance, so every time wade tries asking peter out, peter unknowingly turns it into a normal hangout, or the whole date aspect of the date just goes over his head

and it’s killing wade because did he know this was a date?? can i hold his hand??? how did holding his hand turn into a hostage situation??? least romantic date ever


	496. Chapter 496

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, trans peter parker, jewish peter parker

**trans jewish peter parker:** so like can i get my dick precut or does it only come in the uncut variety


	497. Chapter 497

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

i love the sharing a bed trope, but lets face it peter is juuuust petty enough to get around it one way or another

 **Wade:** oh look…..there’s…..only one bed

 **Peter:** *making a web hammock*

 **Peter:** *rolls under the bed*

 **Peter:** i’ll take first watch

 **Peter:** i’ll sleep when i’m dead

 **Peter:** i only need to sleep every three days

 **Wade:** …

 **Peter:** like a spider


	498. Chapter 498

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, no powers au, hospital au

peter who works in the er and patches up a little girl when one wade wilson bursts through the er doors with his daughter in his arms, and from the way he was screaming his head off everybody thought she was dying, turns out she just got a nasty cut on her forehead when she fell off the monkey bars at the park, no concussion or anything

peter is about to send her off with a sticker and a lollypop when she asked him all worried if she was going to get a scar, it had been a pretty bad cut, so peter wasn’t going to lie to her

he crouched down so he could look her in the eye and told her that she might get a scar, but that’s ok because scars are badass

she gives him a big grin and tells him that that means her dad is the badassest ever, and when peter sees him he has to agree

when wade catches ellie peeling off her bandages that night he asks her what she’s doing, it’s never gonna heal like that, and she says she wants a scar so she can be a badass like him, wade’s heart gives a squeeze and he gives ellie a big hug so she can’t see his eyes get all wet

ellie and wade are equally accident prone idiots with a knack for getting themselves into trouble, so it’s not the last time they both get to see peter, and he quickly becomes their favorite nurse, peter’s a little worried that the both of them are going to end up dead if they’re not more careful


	499. Chapter 499

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade is so used to brushing off people and coming up with excuses to keep the suit on that when he and peter start getting hot and heavy, peter reaches for the seams in wade’s suit, and wade says something along the lines of “I’m naked under that”

peter stopped and stared at him, wade stared back, peter’s like thats,,,, kinda,,,,, the point???


	500. Chapter 500

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** do you trust me?

 **Peter, completely disregarding the seriousness of the situation:** Aladdin, really, that's the best you could do?


	501. Chapter 501

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade adds heeleys to his costume redesign and rolls off of _several_ roofs before peter rips out the heels and tosses them out of sight


	502. Chapter 502

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter is like the sun, he shines so bright that it’s hard to see how fast he’s burning himself out, he’s just got some much love and optimism and hope spilling out of him that it makes everyone around him a little happier, but he doesn’t let anyone see the toll that putting on an act all the time takes on him, he ends up cutting others off and pushing his loved ones away, because he knows that if they get too close, they’ll get burned, and he’d rather sacrifice himself than let that happen, which is how he ends up surrounded by people, all alone

wade is the moon, all pocked and cratered and beautiful, he’s spent so much time in the dark that he doesn’t know how to shine on his own, he’s got a million stars around him and none of them like him, and he lets it stay that way, because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of that kind of love anyways

and then wade and peter meet, and peter shares his light and teaches wade to shine and wade gives himself for peter to lean on, he takes the night so peter can save his strength for the day, and together, they make it work


	503. Chapter 503

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

peter’s powers start wigging out and peter can’t figure out what the hell is going on, sometimes his spidey sense goes off for no reason and sometimes he randomly gets stuck to things for hours, making up an excuse to lean against a random wall on campus for five hours was a new kind of hell

and then he ran into wade, quite literally, and now his hand is stuck to wade’s shoulder and it’s really getting in both their ways, as much as wade likes hanging out with peter, he’s got shit to do without spidey hanging around, except when they can’t get peter unstuck by the end of the day, wade gives up and just takes him along to meet ellie

he’d actually been thinking about introducing spidey for a while, he’s the one person wade trusts to know about her, she thought it was hilarious that they spent all day stuck together


	504. Chapter 504

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter’s got a lot of weird habits at home, like sleeping on the ceiling and accidentally spilling drinks all the time because he forgets which way is up, and leaving webs fucking everywhere, which is a fucking pain for wade because he can’t get out of them when he gets stuck like peter can

but the thing that really makes wade put his foot down is when peter tries to start nailing furniture to the ceiling so he can use it while he’s up there


	505. Chapter 505

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade find captain america’s shield and spend the whole day just doing dumb shit with it and pretending to be steve, peter tried riding it down a building, did not work but was very fun

wade wanted to see what they could break with it, the answer was everything

they tried playing catch with it like it was a massive frisbee, it is way harder to throw that thing than steve makes it look, like how do you aim, wade got it stuck in his head once and peter probably has a chip in his shin now, they gave up on that idea real fast

they both managed to look appropriately guilty when steve showed up to get his shield back


	506. Chapter 506

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, identity porn, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "au where peter is lord death, he presents himself in the black venom suit when he takes a victim that's when he reveals his face, that's what kills them. but when he first comes for wade, wade irritates him. and peter is petty, so he never shows his face to wade and chooses to curse him to a life of immortality. decades go by and wade is tired, and he's fallen in love with death, everytime wade dies he begs peter to show his face so they can be together. and peter rejects him everytime
> 
> centuries go by and wade’s love only grows stronger for peter, he becomes more and more reckless so that he can keep getting hurt and seeing peter. am peter reluctantly begins to feel affection for wade. it scares him, but he allows it. more years go by, wade keeps visiting him and he keeps turning wade away. soon peter feels that maybe he could love wade, but he needs to be sure. bc death has never loved anyone, never kept them for eternity the way peter is considering keeping wade.
> 
> so he disguises himself as a hero in the world wade lives in. he cloaks himself in red, the color of blood, the color of life. and he allows himself to meet wade. to love wade. careful to never show his face, never reveal his true identity. and it scares wade bc he’s falling in love with this hero, a person who feels so familiar. suddenly he has a reason to live. he avoids death, and peter worries that maybe wade no longer loves him
> 
> he worries that perhaps he was foolish to enter the world of the living, to allow himself to feel love for this man who may not really love him at all. but one night they’re sitting on a rooftop and wade begins talking about his job as a merc. he says that truly he thinks he’s doing them a favor, the people he kills. he says that death is one of the most beautiful things one can achieve. and he can sense peter’s confusion.
> 
> he laughs kind of bitterly and turns to peter and says “baby boy don’t get me wrong. i love having you in my life, but… god i wanna die. i’ve lived a long time, i’ve gotten my fill. i’m tired. i’m ready.” and it’s quiet for a bit, and peter sighs. “what if death isn’t what you really want, wade” and wade chuckles and reaches out to run a hand over peter’s masked face. “death is natural and beautiful, it isn’t scary. it isn’t bad. it’s a friend.” they sit in silence for a bit longer
> 
> and look over the city. “this would be the way to go,” wade whispers. “sitting here with you. looking at this city. this would be the perfect thing to go out on.” peter leans against wade and reaches for the back of his mask. wade flinches but peter shushes him. “i’ve seen it before,” he says, although wade is sure he hasn’t. “close your eyes,” peter whispers. and wade does “keep them closed, okay?” wade nods. peter takes off his mask.
> 
> peter leans towards wade and brushes their lips together. “turn towards the city, wade. then open your eyes.” and wade does. “look at the stars, look at the lights,” peter whispers. and wade does. “you ready?” wade swallows. “ready for what??” peter runs his hands over wade’s, making sure to still lean just out of his line of vision. “are you ready to see me?” the cold air of the night whips of wade’s face and he nods. “then look,” peter whispers.
> 
> he smiles. he smiles harder than he every thought he could. “pete… s'you” his speech slurs and he feels his body begin to stop working, and it feels like finally coming home. his vision goes blurry and he reaches for peter jerkily, he doesn’t want this to stop. “don’t worry, i’m not going anywhere” peter says, and he hold wade’s face closer, let’s their eye’s stare into each other until wade’s body finally stops and he leaves. and peter goes with him."

kgljkh holy shit that was beautiful, like hot damn it’s melancholy and poetic and pretty

i honestly don’t have anything to add, it’s amazingly beautiful the way it is, thank you so much for this!!!!! i love you!!


	507. Chapter 507

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, super family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "super-family but with Bruce Banner and Tony Stark as Peter's parental figures because science bros and Peter is a nerd so... (and i'm not really a fan of Stony, but there's only super fam with them as a couple /sad)"

like holy shit peter is going to learn to build a rocket before he learns to walk, bruce gets concerned that peter’s best friend in elementary is DUM-E, but tony tells him to relax, peter can make his own friends when he gets older, and bruce rolls his eyes

bruce and tony take peter to visit his aunt at the hospital once a week, and in high school he starts riding his bike there after school and does his homework while they talk

“uncle rhodey” got into a hell of a lot of trouble when peter first talked him into helping him hijack an iron man suit and take it for a joyride, rhodey came along in his war machine suit of course, but that didn’t really matter to tony or bruce, bruce started turning a little green while tony was yelling his head off about how fucking dangerous it had been for them to do that

for his tenth birthday tony and bruce give peter his own lab, it gets blown up a lot

peter wants to hurry up and start college, he’s already skipped three grades and tony won’t let him skip any more, says he needs the socialization with kids his own age, bruce keeps arguing that he can do that after he graduates, tony does not budge

there’s digital picture frames around the tower with slideshows of peter as a baby, tony’s favorite picture is the one where hulk is cradling baby peter in his giant hands while peter sleeps peacefully, hulk looks so uncertain and it’s adorable, tony always feels himself smile when he sees that one

when peter was little he used to meditate with bruce, which always turned into nap time, to this day the sound of a little motorized fountain puts him right to sleep, he still meditates with bruce sometimes

sometimes steve will visit, and if he and peter can ditch bucky then they’ll hop on steve’s motorcycle and get into all sorts of trouble, bruce’s blood pressure always goes up when cap visits, and tony always rethinks not putting a tracker on his kid

when peter decided he wanted to learn to fight like his parents, he went to natasha, everybody was a little put out that peter didn’t choose them, and when steve asked why natasha, peter told him matter of factly that he wanted to learn to fight in heels like she does because it looks cool, can’t argue with that

tony and bruce are always in a low key competition to be peter’s favorite hero, they were both miserable the year peter stared branching out from iron man and hulk, they didn’t speak to clint for a year when peter first picked hawkeye


	508. Chapter 508

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, trans peter parker, organized crime au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spidey starts a criminal empire but its solely based in stealing from the rich givig to the poor but also he doesn't let at of his employees kill/do aythig other tha steal ad if they break a very specific set of rules he usually ends up doig SOMETHING to them. His spidey self runs it whilst also vigilante-ing. Whilst his Peter self steals a sex changer gun from a villain ad uses it to make tech for non-binaries, trans, genderfluids, etc. His business and Tony's join forces. Pete's trans."

trans crime lord peter that rules this very specific part of nyc with an iron fist, his rules are pretty simple, an eye for an eye, if you kill someone you weren’t supposed to then you die kinda thing, and peter makes sure punishments are carried out publicly by his own hand, really sets the fear in deep

he starts hearing about this b list criminal that keeps popping up in his territory, and when he goes as spiderman to scare them out of town, he comes back with a rather interesting weapon, he reverse engineers the technology and sends out some finished machines to pride centers and shelters in the area

to his surprise, tony stark reaches out to him and offers to help mass produce the technology if he’s willing to work together, pretty soon they’ve got inexpensive personal devices that look like watches and are good for multiple uses, and he’s still trying to keep his criminal activity a secret from tony stark while posing as goody two shoes spiderman to work on the tech

peter really wishes he had this stuff back when he was a kid


	509. Chapter 509

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "trans!peter who is afraid of telling wade in case he won't love him, etc, and wade just looks him in the eye and says "there's a reason autocorrect changes my name to deadpan""

like peter’s done this shit before, had people change how they treated him when he told them he was trans, people he trusted, and even loved, so when he finds himself with wade, he’s terrified

he doesn’t know how wade is going to react, what he’s going to say, what he’s going to do, but peter wants to get it over with now, like ripping off a bandaid

and when wade made that stupid pun, peter just started hysterically laughing with relief, and when wade hugged him he promised to eviscerate anybody that gave peter shit for being trans


	510. Chapter 510

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/), "You know those bath bombs that are pitch black? Wade walks in on Peter taking a bath and thinks he's using one; turns out it's just venom."

like venom gets r butthurt about peter getting wet, because venom hates water, so venom has taken to hovering over the surface of the water like an oily slick just so they’re still touching peter, they’re both petty shits so peter never mentions it

it gave wade the scare of his life when he came in to talk to peter and tried to dip his fingers in the water, bath bombs aren’t supposed to be alive or feel like flesh and venom wasn’t happy about being pushed against the water


	511. Chapter 511

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

**Steve:** good job son

 **Peter:** thanks daddy

 **Steve and co.:** ...

 **Peter:** you called me son and i panicked


	512. Chapter 512

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, ballet au

ballerina peter who already had some full body suits laying around when he first got spider powers and just made one a little more colorful

he’s r jazzed about being able to lift two people at once now, and he’s even more flexible than before, it feels a little like cheating

peter watch-me-do-a-pirouette-on-the-ceiling parker

peter being extra™ and working ballet moves into his swings while he’s webbing his way around new york

peter dragging all his friends to the nutcracker ballet every year around christmas, it’s tradition, they all moan and groan but with peter so excited it ends up being fun anyways


	513. Chapter 513

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dadpool, deadpool

when ellie first asks if wade’s scars hurt and he tells her yes, she gets all the band aids in the house and puts them all over wade, they’re all like scooby doo and barbie and glow in the dark band aids and they’re a bitch to get off, but it almost made wade cry when she kissed his scars so they’d feel better


	514. Chapter 514

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter perches on wade's shoulders once during a battle, using them as an in between place to land then push off from. It becomes a habit. Peter's tried doing ot with others but it's not the same, the only one who came close to Wade's stability and broadness was the Captain, but when Peter pushed off it threw off Cap's aim with his sheild which almost led to a disaster (Wade instinctively calculated Peter's weight and movement like he was another limb)."

aaaaah, that means that not only do they just click when they fight back to back, but they team up enough to come up with moves like this that are just so extra, they come up with names for all of them 100%, totally dumb names that are usually mashups of what they both wanted to call it

wade and peter just work so well together, they can yell directions at each other and they’ll just do it, no questions asked, there is more yelling after if it doesn’t work out

wade’s always got spidey’s back and peter makes sure that he disarms their enemies first to give wade an advantage, wade even learns to keep track of where peter’s webs go so he doesn’t end up stuck again, that one took a little more time to learn


	515. Chapter 515

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, black widow, ballet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Now thanks to your ballerina Peter post I imagine Spiderman and Black Widow ballet fighting there way through an alien invasion. Like being all extra and stuff"

omg that is brilliant!!! adding this to my die hard headcanon that at some point natasha trains peter

like idk natasha actually misses ballet when she joins shield and ends up teaching at a tiny ballet studio downtown, undercover, and peter starts hearing good things about her so he joins, and she’s the instructor from hell but damn is she good at what she does

and then later when spiderman takes on a shield position bc hell he needs the money, he has a training session with nat and just, they fall into rhythm so easy without realizing why, so natasha takes over his training, and peter learns how to lie, cheat, steal, deceive, manipulate and strangle what he needs out of his opponents

by the end of the first three years, he can backflip onto an opponent, wrapping his legs around their neck, and snap it in exactly seven seconds, all while in heels

he also develops widow’s uncanny ability to always land unharmed on her feet

just natasha mentoring peter

also peter jabbing at her all the time about not having a very spidery outfit, which leads to her eventually putting some fucking webs into her suit so he’ll shut up about it

or even better she just starts naming all her gear spider-[insert item here] and it drives peter crazy because that is the exact same belt she’s been wearing for a year, putting the word spider in front of everything doesn’t make it spider themed, natasha just rolls her eyes bc really kid, u wanna go there


	516. Chapter 516

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade meet at a con, wade is wearing a really good copy of one of peter’s older suits, peter is wearing an iron man costume that’s wired with leds and a lifting face plate, and he can turn the repulsors on and off, when he turns them on they make noise like the real suit when it charges up

that’s actually the detail that gets wade’s attention, because he almost started running on instinct when he first heard it, they really sound like the real thing

he compliments peter on his costume, but says he’s also the shortest iron man he’s ever seen, and peter scoffs, bc have you met tony stark? the iron man suit has platform heels

peter’s actually really impressed with wade’s suit, it looks like it could have been an exact replica of one of his old suits, even got the lenses right, peter’s a little embarrassed about how easily wade started gushing about spiderman, he was a huge fan and peter still wasn’t used to the praise


	517. Chapter 517

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

siren!peter and mermaid!wade, and wade meets peter when peter is hanging out at the beach with legs and wade mistakes him for a human and peter assumes wade knows he’s a siren and thinks that why he started talking to him

hilarious misunderstandings are had, wade gets a special wheelchair to go around on land with peter, peter’s been living on land to see his aunt and shows wade around

peter and wade have an ocean date and peter changes his legs back to a tail and wade starts angry signing bc he thought peter was a human, peter just starts laughing bc of course you did wade, so wade and peter hang out underwater and they go and pick up wade’s daughter from school

peter brings wade to meet his aunt, she adores him and keeps not so subtly signing at peter that he’s a keeper

peter takes wade out deep into the ocean one day and sings for him, it’s the first time wade’s found himself speechless, afterwards they go back towards land and play with the younger local seals around the harbor


	518. Chapter 518

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter surprises Wade with the best goddamn birthday he's ever had. He didn't even know Peter knew when his birthday was."

like peter has to pull some serious strings to figure out wade’s birthday, like hit up some of wade’s old frenemies in the x-men and bribe them into it, it’s not easy

but he’s fucking determined to celebrate wade’s birthday this year, since last year and the year before passed and wade never mentioned it

after that its another herculean effort trying to find all the people the know wade and wouldn’t use the chance to kill him, its a small list in the end and peter almost gets shot twice

he makes the cake himself, it’s got the worst looking deadpool mask he’s ever seen and the black frosting tastes like tar and he added way too much edible glitter, which doesn’t matter when peter starts putting all the candles in, it’s a small fire hazard

and when he gets everything set up in their apartment and wade walks in, he almost takes aunt may’s head off, why does peter keep trying to surprise paranoid vets, but all is forgiven

the cake turns everybody’s mouths purple and peter harasses them all into taking a group photo, the gift table is covered in poorly wrapped weaponry, somebody even used newspaper

after everybody goes home, peter tells him there’s one more present, peter has wade close his eyes and pulls out a little black ring box, best birthday ever


	519. Chapter 519

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, time travel au

peter finding wade’s teleporter belt and not knowing what it is, peter nerding out and trying to fix it so he can see what it does, peter accidentally fixing it and sending himself back in time

he lands himself in the middle of a shootout and some guy yells at him to get the fuck down, peter gets yanked to the ground by what looks like a supermodel with a bad haircut in a hoodie, the guy is deadly accurate and within minutes he and peter are the only ones left alive

which is when things get even worse and peter feels his spider sense spiking, the guy points the gun in peter’s face and tells him he’s got ten goddamn seconds to explain how peter found him

and that throws peter because he sounds almost exactly like… and his eyes are the same…. he blurts out wade’s name in surprise before he can stop himself

lucky for peter, the belt glitches again and sends him back to his own time, albeit in seattle

he gets a voicemail from wade when he’s flying home, it’s mostly panicked gibberish about possibly not hallucinating and not being able to find his belt so hopefully peter isn’t dead yet

when peter gets home, wade finally takes the damn thing back to weasel to get it fixed

peter keeps squinting at wade’s head and wade gets self conscious, when he asks peter what he’s looking at peter says wade looked funny with hair, didn’t think he’d be blonde


	520. Chapter 520

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, time travel au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Can you write more of the transporter belt story? (I know you JUST posted it but I love it 😍)"

so wade is in love with a giant nerd, and since everybody else on earth is still a ways off from discovering time travel, ofc peter is going to think wade’s belt is the coolest shit ever, he pesters weasel until he knows more about it than wade does, which is really great when peter convinces wade to take him back in time to see dinosaurs and the thing catches fire, again

wade’s a little ticked off and keeps complaining about how they just had to go see the dinosaurs, couldn’t just go back and meet einstein or something like a normal geek

which in turn pisses off peter because he’s the one fixing the belt and wade had been all in with the dino idea ten minutes ago

through a series of wack misadventures, the belt gets swiped by a tiny rat thing, stolen by a raptor, carried off by pterodactyl, and eaten by an iguanadon, which looks exactly like the other hundred iguanandon wandering around

it ends up being amazingly fun, they manage to ride an unhappy triceratops, fight a t-rex, and almost get eaten by a giant flower

peter eventually gets the damn thing to work and they go home, peter drags wade out to the museum the next day and they both break into fits of giggles when they see wade’s fossilized boot print on display


	521. Chapter 521

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, police au

peter didn’t get spider powers, instead he grew up and became a cop, because he wanted to help people and create change for the better, it’s not as great as his childhood self had made it out to be, but he helps people, and that’s what matters

sure they aren’t the avengers, but somebody has to still take care of petty crime

peter is one of the only idiots in his precinct that will not hesitate to chase down costumed baddies on his own, no super powered backup, he’s crashed quite a few cars because of this, but he usually gets the perp in the end

speaking of perps, there’s this one guy, goes by the moniker deadpool, son of a bitch breaks out of every fucking pair of handcuffs peter slaps on him, and one time he jumped out into oncoming traffic, peter isn’t sure how invincible he really is, but it still gives him a heart attack every time the guy does something like take three bullets and keep walking

he’s not really sure how to feel about deadpool, on one hand he’s not eeeh, well he’s no saint, almost always carrying around illegal weapons and stolen money, he’s killed quite a few people too, but on the other hand, he always shows up to help peter make his arrests, and once he even threw himself in front of a gun for peter and died right in front of him

after they started talking more, peter decided he liked wade, crazy sob but not a bad guy, sometimes wade will show up with takeout when peter’s on break, peter doesn’t know what he did to make wade think they’re friends, but he also hasn’t done anything to scare him off either

so when peter walks into work one day and sees wade in the interrogation room, his stomach drops to his feet


	522. Chapter 522

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "More police au pleaaasee"

peter managed to convince his superiors to let him in to talk to wade, wade lights up when he sees peter and snaps his wrists to get the handcuffs off, peter tries not to wince, it never gets easier to see

wade says he’s been framed for murder, which has peter raising an eyebrow, bc they both knew what was in wade’s file, but he keeps swearing up and down this one wasn’t him, just someone worse trying to keep him out of their way

and crazily enough, peter believes him, he doesn’t bother trying to convince anyone else, just starts working on the case alone whenever he has a free second, every dead end had tombstone’s name on it and the more he learned, the less he liked the look of things, especially when he learned there was a dirty cop involved

he knew he wouldn’t be able to get enough to keep wade out of jail, and he knew wade was innocent, at least for this, and he also knew that if he tried to bring any of this up with his boss he’d probably be fired

he took the night shift, traded with a co worker who was looking to go home early to watch his kids, peter slipped a security card under wade’s door and in five minutes the power went out, wade escaped, peter knew he would

he was also sitting in peter’s kitchen when he got home late, eating peter’s leftover bulgogi like he owned the damn place, peter started regretting his decision when wade started talking plans to take down tombstone, all of which peter could see himself ending up dead or worse, but at the moment, wade was the best shot he had


	523. Chapter 523

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, fluff

for movie night peter, wade and ellie always get the biggest blanket they have in the house and run it through the dryer with one of the weird scented dryer balls wade picked up a while back

they all snuggle up on their little couch and watch disney movies until they fall asleep all sandwiched together


	524. Chapter 524

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, photographer au, model au

professional photographer peter who ends up working with wade wilson, one of the top canadian models, and he comes out of it thinking that wade is just a real dick all around, writes the guy off and moves on with his life

a month later he hears in the news that the same wade wilson is in the er nearby, an accident on set, a fire, two dead, five in the er, nobody is sure if he’ll survive the night, and peter feels that cold fear in the pit of his stomach, because this is someone he knew and tomorrow he might be dead

it’s on a whim really, he just happened to pass by a gas station with flowers in the window, bought them just because, the hospital was already on his way home, so what would five minutes hurt

there's quite a few of wade’s fans in the lobby, he walks past them, when he finds wade’s room, he’s been stabilized, wade’s agent is the only person there, and she tells peter that he’s going to live, but he’s not going to like it

peter is the only person in wade’s room when wade’s agent leaves, and it starts to dawn on peter that there’s no one else that’s going to show up

peter comes back the next week, just because he’s already walking that way he tells himself, wade is awake now, he barely looks alive, his eyes watch peter like a haunted portrait, and he never moves, peter just talks, tells wade what’s going on in his life and about the photo shoot he did last week for two dalmatians, they had little tailored suits and everything

the next week he brings wade a bag full of weird little stress balls and squishy animals, to help wade while he’s working on getting control of his hands again

the next week peter brings some of his aunt’s homemade matzo ball soup, figured wade could use something other than pudding and jello

wade asks him one day why he’s even here, they’ve barely ever talked, so why does peter keep coming back

peter feels a little awkward, why was he here? he says something about how nobody deserves to be alone, and says wade’s not such a bad guy, when he shuts up at least


	525. Chapter 525

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, photographer au, model au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Pleeease more model and photographer au! I need them to smooch and love each other and be happy! Thanks 💗"

peter sticks around through wade’s physical therapy, a few months later peter gets a call from wade’s agent, she doesn’t sound happy, she tells peter someone needs to check wade out of the hospital, and then she hangs up, she never calls again

peter doesn’t actually have a car, so he calls an uber when he’s in the waiting room, wade looks surprised to see him, peter takes wade home with him and he and aunt may put wade in the guest bedroom, peter has a cat, wade didn’t know that

aunt may is probably the nicest person wade has ever met, he cries when she calls him sweetheart and asks if he wants any hot chocolate, the place feels small and homely, there’s old photographs on every wall, glamour shots of peter’s cat, and plenty of pictures of peter as a baby and shaky pictures of aunt may and a man, smiling, as a young peter tries his hand at photography

the longer wade stays, the worse he feels, like he’s just taking up space and money, and peter and may’s time, they help him through his physical therapy exercises and he helps may cook, they have a little celebration dinner when wade walks up the stairs on his own

wade feels bad for staying, but this is the best he’s ever felt, peter and may are so nice, he wants to leave

peter wakes up when wade has one foot out the door in the middle of the night, asks him where he’s going, wade didn’t think that far ahead, so he says he doesn’t know

peter gets on his coat and wade follows him out the door, wade doesn’t know where they’re going, just follows peter as every step feels heavier, there’s no one around, but he tugs down his hood further, nervous

peter takes him to a cemetery, there’s no one around, just grass and bleak headstones and drooping flowers, peter takes wade to meet uncle ben, wade feels a little silly talking to a headstone, but peter looked at him expectantly, so he introduced himself

they laid down in the grass together and stared at the moon, peter told wade what it was like to loose uncle ben, how he only had aunt may, how he dropped out of school and ended up in therapy, and how eventually things got better, how he rediscovered photography and got aunt may a cat, the cat fell in love with peter but it’s still aunt may’s cat

wade asks if this is peter’s way of making him feel better, peter asks if it’s working, wade says yeah i think so

wade recovers fairly fast, but his ego doesn’t, he doesn’t leave the house unless he absolutely has to, and when he does he’ll wear long sleeves and gloves and a hoodie and sunglasses, even at night or in the middle of summer, he’s basically dropped off the face of the earth, peter sees talk shows wondering about his disappearance all the time, there’s a rumor gaining traction that he’s dead

peter tries to help the only way he knows how, he convinces wade to do a photo shoot, peter moves all the furniture in his room and hangs a white sheet over the wall, he’s got plastic bags over desk lamps and sets up his camera on a tripod

wade takes more convincing when he sits down in front of the camera, they go slow, wade eventually pulls his hood down, the cat gets in the way and peter tries not to laugh when wade gets a face full of cat butt when he tries to push her away

peter gets wade to take his shirt off, the longer they’re there, the more wade relaxes, peter gets a genuine smile out of wade just as the clouds part and the sun hits wade from the side, and suddenly he’s glowing and peter barely hears the shutter click

wade notices he’s stopped and asks what’s wrong, peter blurts out you’re beautiful, and wade doesn’t have anything to say for once

peter shows him that picture later, when the sun hit him just right, there’s a curtain shadow behind him that took the shape of a wing, and for the first time in a long time, wade likes how he looks

it’s a spur of the moment thing, he’s high on emotions he hasn’t felt in a while and he just grabs peter and kisses him, peter doesn’t push him away

aunt may clears her throat when neither of them notice her and tells them dinner is almost ready, peter looks like he wants to die and wade just starts laughing

later wade posts the picture of him and peter’s cat on his twitter, he’s finally ready


	526. Chapter 526

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

sometimes wade does what peter calls the verbal equivalent of forgetting your glasses are on your head, he’ll forget a word, spend five minutes trying to describe the thing, unknowingly use the word in a sentence while trying to describe the thing, and then give up trying to remember the word he’s looking for


	527. Chapter 527

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, librarian au

peter works at the local library and once a week he comes to the elementary school to read for some classes, he’s actually really great at it and gets the kids involved and does voices and everything, one of the classes he reads for has one eleanor camacho, and she loves it when peter visits

she keeps dragging wade to the library to get a ton of books, and since wade doesn’t read them like peter, she’s been trying to do it herself, she’s not so great at reading fast enough, but she does do the voices, and wade thinks it’s the cutest thing

ellie and wade run into peter at the library once, ellie starts vibrating with excitement and tells her dad not to fuck this up for her when they go talk to him, peter is great with kids, he says hi to ellie and introduces himself to wade, and even though wade rolled his eyes earlier when she told him not to screw this up he can feel the terrible pickup line sitting on the tip of his tongue, because hot librarian

they stay long enough to sit down and listen to peter read for a group of kids, and ellie was right, peter is amazing at this, wade found himself invested in a picture book for a while there, and when he’s done a group of kids start begging him to do a backflip, so he clears an area and does a backflip, then starts walking around on his hands while kids cheer him on, explains why ellie suddenly wanted to start gymnastics

ellie invites peter over for dinner without telling her dad first, wade just rolls with it anyways, because he wouldn’t mind having him over either, but god this whole don’t be weird thing ellie has him doing is going to kill him first


	528. Chapter 528

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Peter:** our dog tried to pet me back today!

 **Wade:** [voice cracking] tell her she's a good girl


	529. Chapter 529

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

neither peter nor wade has a decent sense of fashion, both of them dress up in brightly colored onsies and punch people for fun though, so the bar was pretty low to begin with

peter just never took the time to care about his appearance, he had school and spiderman and science, like he barely has time to eat

for wade it’s more of a choice, like he knows everything he wears is awful and flashy and clashing, but he fucking owns it

they end up getting their closets mixed up a lot so sometimes peter will put on one of wade’s crop tops in the morning before he’s awake enough to realize, the other nerds at the lab have a betting pool on how long it’ll take peter to notice this morning

one time peter wore two crop tops to work, and only got them both over one arm, somebody had that picture framed, peter has to see it every day when he goes into work, wade thinks it’s hilarious


	530. Chapter 530

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Peter:** wade, why the fuck is your laptop full of bullet holes

 **Wade:** i was troubleshooting


	531. Chapter 531

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter never asks wade how much he makes, he always just assumed by the state of wade’s house and the fact that he never eats anything but takeout that wade was just as broke as he was, so when peter and wade move in together, peter keeps on with his thrifty ways bc he’s gotta fucking eat a shit ton every day

except when he goes shopping with wade, wade piles the cart high with whatever the hell he wants, and peter is calculating it all in his head, and he’s trying to figure out how to tell wade they’re already waaaaay over budget

except when he does, wade just shushes him and pulls out a wad of hundreds at the checkout, and peter gets angry at no one in particular because not once did anyone mention to him that wade was actually loaded


	532. Chapter 532

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, murder

wade is dating peter parker and doesn’t know anything about spiderman, sure he’s a fan, but when he starts suspecting that peter and spidey were a thing, well his trigger finger starts itching around his super pal

he keeps himself in check, until he catches webs crawling out of peter’s window one night at some ungodly hour, he’s trying to not kill people for peter, but just this once peter doesn’t have to know, right? besides, peter’s the one that’s cheating on him


	533. Chapter 533

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, character death, murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Oh my godd! Could you continue the one where wade thinks peter is cheating on him with spidey?? I'm dying!"

wade follows spidey one night, after he’s made up his mind, catches him on a roof when he presses a gun against the back of peter’s head

peter’s last words were, “you won’t shoot me”, and he believed that

wade didn’t

wade gets worried when aunt may hasn’t seen peter either in three days, they call the police and the nypd puts out a missing person’s report

a week later somebody finds peter’s body in a dumpster, no clothes, single shot to the back of his head, execution style

he still doesn’t put it together when he cleans out peter’s apartment for aunt may, when he finds the extra spider suit he sees red, forgets to collect peter’s things and burns the place down, the fire spreads to the rest of the building, luckily no one else gets hurt

he’ll never know


	534. Chapter 534

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, character death, suicide, murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg! I know you said that Deadpool will never know that it was actually Peter he killed, but how would he react if he somehow did figure it out? Or if someone told him?"

so lets say he recognized the shot when he went in with may to identify the body, he just walks out, doesn’t say anything to anyone

he takes a suicide mission at the hellhouse, doesn’t bother getting a new suit when he comes back, just leaves the grease and blood and dirt and bullet holes as they were and keeps walking, he doesn’t talk much anymore

he keeps going like that until somebody drops him off in the middle of the ocean with cement shoes, he cries when death comes to take him away because he’s so sure he’s made it this time, just to wake up on a beach three weeks later

wade slogs home and lays down on the floor, and that’s where he stays, reaching out to death when starvation and dehydration take him in turns


	535. Chapter 535

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fantasy au

dragon tamer wade who lives in the middle of fucking nowhere and is so covered in burns and scars from raising dragons that he’s little else now

one day he comes across a runaway passed out in the mountains who’s been branded with the kings curse, a fate worse than death, now wade is usually one to leave well enough alone, especially when it comes to getting involved with people, but he didn’t really get a choice in the matter when his ride home picked the poor guy up in her mouth and started heading back

sometimes raising dragons is just doing whatever they want and pretending you’re still in control

Snowball took a liking to the guy and stuck his limp body in her nest alongside her hatchlings, who were very disappointed she hadn’t brought them something to eat

it was a whole thing when peter woke up, he freaked out, because dragons, and wade had to hold him down so he wouldn’t scare the hatchlings

peter didn’t speak, and he didn’t know sign, so he mostly wrote things in the dirt until wade taught him enough sign to hold a conversation, peter keeps quiet about his own life and wade doesn’t pry

as much as wade hates to admit it, it’s nice having some human company for once


	536. Chapter 536

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, fantasy au, monster au

snowball wouldn’t let peter out of her nest for the first few months, much to everyone’s annoyance, peter kept waking up to singed clothes in the middle of the night when one of the hatchlings curled up next to him got a little too warm, wade’s a little offended that snowball never tried to take care of him like this before, it’s probably a good thing since peter can’t make it though a single day without another burn or scrape from the dragons special brand of affection, scales aren’t exactly soft

the best thing wade ever did was teach peter how to swear, because now peter can tell wade when he’s being an asshole, it’s refreshing, and as it turns out, peter is kind of hilarious

peter helps wade name the hatchlings when they get old enough to start exploring, peter asks why he waited so long, wade says it’s because dragons don’t really start to show their personalities until about seven years old when they start to run around like this, wade tries to name one of the hatchlings wade jr., peter asks wade what the poor dragon did to deserve that

life is peaceful, well as peaceful as you can get with a family of dragons and two idiots living in the middle of nowhere together, and then peter’s past comes back to haunt him

occasionally the odd traveler wanders into their mountain and scares the hatchlings, wade and peter will either help them out or scare them off, but this time it was less a confused band of merchants and more a fully armed battalion looking for peter, who seemed to vanish as soon as he saw the emblem on their chest plates

wade kept a close eye on the soldiers, waiting for them to leave the mountain so snowball and her kids could come outside again, but snowball started getting agitated when peter didn’t come home that night, wade tried his best to keep her inside, but she’s never listened to him before, why start now

wade was panicking, he couldn’t leave the hatchlings all alone, not with armed soldiers outside, which meant he didn’t know if snowball was going to be okay, and he couldn’t look for peter either, so he made a stupid decision and took the hatchlings with him to go look for snowball and peter, the hatchlings were raring to go anyways, and this was probably safer, the soldiers would be looking for caves, wade reasoned against his better judgement

baby dragons are terrible at being quiet, and wade jr. got a little overenthusiastic and thought she could take on one of the scouts herself, wade cursed every god he could think of as he stood between a small army and his found family with nothing but a dagger and more balls than he deserved

wade wasn’t doing good, he had a gash in his side and he could barely see with the blood and sweat dripping into his eyes, they were outnumbered and cornered, the hatchlings weren’t yet old enough to fly away and save themselves, wade was prepared to die today, maybe he’d buy enough time for snowball to find them

wade wiped the blood off his hand and gripped his dagger tighter when an inhuman roar ripped through the night, there were terrified screams all around them as soldiers disappeared left and right, yanked into the darkness by some unseen force, wade backed up closer to the hatchlings and tried not to let his fear show

out of the night stepped peter, or at least he looked like peter, just with glowing eyes and scaled skin, blood dripped from massive stained claws in place of hands, part of the kings crest on his chest had been burned away, and red bubbling flesh stood out among the red and blue scales that now covered his body, wade started to think that maybe he should have asked about the brand sooner

peter fainted and wade wasn’t doing much better, one of the hatchlings found snowball, wade remembered her terrified shriek just before he too lost consciousness

after that night, things were… different, but a good different, peter could talk now, but only the dragons could understand him, he was also more pointy and warm, at least now wade knew why snowball had picked peter up all those years ago and mothered the hell out of him


	537. Chapter 537

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Nerd to Punk!Peter au, but not a makeover thing (kinda, cause he does change his looks, like gets a _septum piercing_, several earrings, etc) and his moral compass stays the same.
> 
> He just gets fed up about the bullying he was going through after he gets his powers and uncle Ben’s death, so he just snaps, but in a good way? Like, he stands up for himself and other bullying victims without the irrational fear of being outed as Spider-Man, like lmao he just won’t use his powers as a civilian and everything is gonna be a-okay, it won’t hurt using a little bit of confidence and a liiiiittle tiny winy bit of super strength so to not get beat up by the bullyies, right?
> 
> Then he just becomes some kind of activist student, creates an anti-bullying club, supports the LGBTQ+ club, starts campaigns to create awareness about mental illnesses and this kind of attitude stays with him over the years.
> 
> Peter gets into college and gets the Stark intership (yep, he stuck with science after all) but tries to do things for the people, affordable stuff like prosthetic parts, things linked with bio med, etc.
> 
> So when Deadpool stumbles upon Spider-Man he can’t help but feel infatuated with the hero upon the first meeting when the guy didn’t punch him in the face, you know, the normal reaction when people meet Deadpool and he doesn’t stfu.
> 
> After that they roll trhu the friendshipland and Wade starts knowing about all of Spidey’s bad ass mo fucker shenanigans as a civie and sees himself falling deeper for the hero.
> 
> ???"

peter who is just sick and fucking tired of the world beating him down and just fucking taking it, he snaps, starts fighting back, starts shouting when people won’t listen, starts throwing the first punch when people won’t leave him alone

and he gets in trouble for it, he’s got all these teachers and administrators telling him he’s not doing himself any favors acting up like this, how he should go back to how he was before, complacent with the abuse he had to go through every day at school without “making a scene”, and peter just is beyond caring, tells them they can shove it up their asses and gets suspended a couple times

he gets piercings and torn jeans and jackets with too many zippers, because the teachers all stop pretending they’re on his side when he looks like that, they stop trying to “help him” and that’s just the way he likes it, nobody expects anything of him anymore and it’s great

peter joins the school’s pride club, because he’s beyond caring what people will do to him, he stands up for the only other five kids that are sorta out and gets in fights on their behalf, or just because some jerkwad is shouting slurs in his direction, he always wins his fights, even if he always lets himself come away with a black eye or a couple of bruises

he starts getting into mental health advocacy and gets informed on what’s wrong with the school system, he keeps getting suspended for showing up to school board meetings with other kids to protest things like workloads, lack of disability accommodation, low pay for teachers, standardized testing, poor lunch food standards, not providing free meals to students, and the rampant bullying and queerphobia in the school

aunt may always comes in to shame his principle when peter gets expelled for expressing his right to free speech and to protest, they usually have to drop the suspension

peter kicks it up a notch in college, he attends every protest and even organizes a few of his own, he got pepper sprayed in the face during the one at the trump world tower, he’s vice president of the pride club and will still fight anyone that tries to give him or anyone else shit for being queer, the dean knows him by name and not for any good reason

he gets the stark internship and just about dies, tony stark doesn’t have a dress code, the only rule is anything you wear has to fit under a lab coat, also no open toed shoes

peter still has to take off the bridge piercing to use the microscopes in the lab, it just gets in the way, tony’s impressed with the work he brings to the lab, he actually called up bruce when peter brought him a proposal for bio engineered organic machines that were supposed to artificially stimulate nerves in the body that have stopped responding to commands from the brain, peter doesn’t even finish his internship before he gets hired

he gets to work on bucky’s arm when tony introduces him to stark prosthetics, he tries not to nerd out

and when he meets wade, well wade thinks their bromance is off to a great start when peter doesn’t punch him in the face two minutes in, they work together surprisingly well, and spidey doesn’t even seem to mind when wade starts looking for him to team up more

wade’s favorite kind of team ups are when peter gets especially pissed off and gets a little lax on the no maiming rule, on those days peter will tell wade to go for the kneecaps and start breaking bones himself

peter finds wade when he’s having an episode on a rooftop, peter catches him before wade walks right off, they have a heart to heart and wade tells peter about his schizophrenia and the flashbacks and the ptsd, just all the fun stuff

peter stays up all night reading up on drugs and super immunity, he doesn’t bring his plan to stark until he did some testing on himself, since his enhanced immunity and healing was a start at least

wade and peter just become best friends, it happens before peter even realizes, and before wade can wonder what he did to not scare the guy off yet, peter knows that wade has already shared a lot with him, and he wanted to show wade that he really trusted him, so peter took off the mask for wade, who said holy shit you have a lip ring, peter just grinned and asked wade if he wanted to find out if he’s got a tongue ring to match

peter invites wade to his protests, wade jumped right in when peter got in a fist fight with three burly dudes with nazi flags, they have to run when peter accidentally punches a cop

wade starts thinking civilian peter might be even more badass than spiderman


	538. Chapter 538

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Can u do a sequel to the punk. Peter thing I’m so. IM SO IN L O V E E E"

wade is in love with his smol angry punk boyfriend, but for the love of god peter gets into 200% more fights than he needs to, they once got into an argument when wade said captain america wouldn’t have tried to take on seven guys by himself even if they were harassing a woman

peter called up steve just to prove a point, and steve drove over to congratulate peter on doing the right thing and proceed to give all seven sorely beaten men the tongue lashing of their life, wade doesn’t get to complain anymore, even if his heart can’t take peter being this reckless

wade hates it when peter gets new piercings in his ears, because that means wade can’t nibble on them until they heal, which can take fucking months when they’re in the cartilage

when peter introduces wade to aunt may she asks wade which protest he and peter met at

since new york is still an abstinence only education state, peter volunteers with his local pride group to go around to different schools and offer a voluntary lecture about safe sex with all partners, wade chickens out because he doesn’t think he can hold it in when peter pulls out the banana to demonstrate how to use a condom

wade ends up getting really involved in the community and caring more about politics and social issues just by being around peter so much, he just feels so sappy when he thinks about how being with peter has made him feel like a better person

* * *

peter and wade get in costume and crawl up to the rooftops, where they set up a giant projector aimed right at trump world tower, the words “SHITHOLE PRESIDENT” stay there for three nights before somebody figures out how to reach the projector


	539. Chapter 539

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter finds half a best friends forever necklace and puts it on bc why not, what he doesn’t know is that wade is wearing the other half of the necklace and they’re both filled with an experimental drug designed to transfer pain between necklace holders, the real kicker is that if one of them tries to take the necklace off, they both die

by the time wade tracks down the other half of the necklace, he’s ready to scream because of course some civilian put it on, so now he’s gotta stalk this guy and make sure nothing happens to him

except peter catches on real quick and calls out wade, who decides to play it cool and tells peter that since they’ve got best friend necklaces they’re now best friends

peter low key thinks this is wade’s way of telling him that he knows everything, so he takes it as blackmail and does whatever wade says, which works out for wade bc he’s still gotta figure out how to save both their asses

wade drags peter on several “friend dates” which are really poorly disguised attempts to keep peter from getting killed, except peter seems to be the luckiest guy around bc every time something happens, he just steps out of the way just in time

peter is a little freaked out about how much his spider sense is saving his ass lately, he’s also a little freaked out that wade is starting to grow on him, like he caught himself about to suggest they go to ihop for dinner, he was about to voluntarily spend time with the deadpool, and he was looking forward to it


	540. Chapter 540

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, royalty au, fantsy au

wade wilson is looking to make a lot of money real fast so he doesn’t get himself killed, except he chose the worst guy to kidnap

like kidnapping the king’s ward was supposed to be easy, less guards than the central royal family, still important enough to demand a high reward, and nobles were all supposed to be like scared of robbers and shit

but not fucking peter, nooo, five minutes in and he’s lecturing wade on how he fucked up a kidnapping by picking the wrong target, going after a foreign dignitary’s kid would have been much more profitable since both kingdoms would be rushing to fix things, the dignitary because they’re in foreign land and the ruling family because shit does not look good when it’s in their country

wade also forgot to leave the ransom note, but he’s not about to tell his royal brat that, wade’s kinda considering just cutting his losses and slitting peter’s throat

lucky for him he doesn’t, and when wade’s good friend who he owes a shitload of money to shows up, peter saves his ass by teleporting them to the castle, because of fucking course the royal family are all magic users, great intelligence gathering wade

except instead of being executed, peter just brings wade to dinner, and nobody mentions it, king stark just tells him to take a guard next time he goes running around the woods at night with his hooligan friends

which is how wade ends up employed as peter’s personal guard and living in the lap of luxury, and forever cursing the stupidity of magic users, seriously, crossbows are a thing, what’s with all this exaggerated i’m going to use magic to choke you out bullshit


	541. Chapter 541

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, scientist au, fireman au

science nerd peter that has his own start up lab in new york that he’s frantically trying to run and fund on his own, except his latest experiment goes horribly wrong and he ends up having to burn down his own lab to stop the spread of self replicating nanobots

wade’s the hunky fireman that rescues peter, who may or may not have gushed about wade to his aunt, who then brings the fire station a homemade cake for saving her nephew’s dumb ass, and while she’s there, she talks up peter to wade

peter is mortified when he finds out later, his aunt’s given up hope of peter being able to find a partner on his own and gave his damn cellphone number to wade

lucky for peter, wade thinks it’s cute and does call him to ask for a date, peter almost says no out of sheer humiliation

not even a week later, wade’s pulling peter out of his burning house because his next door neighbor never got their chimney cleaned and the whole thing went up in flames, peter was conked out on the couched and didn’t even realize his life was in danger until wade burst in

wade pulls a “we’ve gotta stop meeting like this”, aunt may brings another cake


	542. Chapter 542

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avatar the last airbender au

avatar the last airbender au

wade was born to fire bending parents, he was born without bending, and was his father’s biggest shame, his dad was the one that put him in the hospital with full body burns, he made an excuse, wade doesn’t remember it now

when wade came back home, his dad went back to normal after a week, and wade had had enough, he pulled out a scalpel he’d stolen from the hospital and took his father’s eye out before running, he never went back home

he joined the army and rose quickly through the ranks on skill and his aptitude for strategy alone, he was one of the only non benders to get as far as he did, but his lack of bending was what kept him from the field, from getting promoted, from being taken seriously, so he left, going awol landed him a few wanted posters scattered around the fire nation

he took up odd jobs as he traveled, started dealing with sketchier people and found out he was great at being a mercenary

of course being a merc isn’t the safest job in the world, he takes an ordinary job, simple hit on a traveling noble, unfortunately no one told him the noble was an earth bender, they caught him by surprise and left him stuck up to his neck in solid stone

wade spent two months there, slowly starving to death and licking the morning dew off the plants around him

the supermoon was the trigger, wade woke up in the spirit world, he doesn’t remember a lot of it, but there was the sound of claws on stone, he made a deal but couldn’t recall it afterwards

when he woke up again, he was laying flat on the ground next to a deep hole surrounded by claw marks and rubble, and he couldn’t die, he’s been trying to find a way back to the spirit world ever since, searching for answers and death

the next place he’s headed to is the forgotten air temples, he’s hoping at least one of them still has a deep enough spiritual presence to reach the spirit world


	543. Chapter 543

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avatar the last airbender au

more avatar the last airbender au

peter was born to non bending parents in the earth kingdom, and peter himself assumed for a long time that he wasn’t a bender either

his father passed away when peter was six when he was attacked by an ostrich boar, his mother died a year later of a broken heart

peter went to live with his aunt and uncle soon after, he had an idylic childhood out on the farm, but all that changed when he turned eighteen and discovered he was a bender, an air bender

peter kept it a secret and tried asking his aunt about their family history, the only clue he had to go on was a painting of a bushy haired old man with one arm and burn scars, there wasn’t anything written about him, just that he was a stranger who wandered into town and settled down with peter’s great great grandmother

it wasn’t much but it was all he had, peter was young and stupid, and he rightfully feared that his aunt and uncle would stop him from going out to find out more about his great great grandfather, because he was eighteen and didn’t know how to protect himself, or what he was even searching for

but peter wrote a letter saying goodbye and snuck out at night with the portrait and a small travel pack, on the road when he was alone, he practiced his bending, it was frustrating to say the least, he was completely inept and had no clue how to do anything

it took him three years of travel and near death experiences to hone his abilities and learn to defend himself with the whip he took from home, he was lucky to still be alive

he ends up finding the location of the southern air temple, it takes him a week to reach the top, he lost his fear of heights along the way

when he reached the top, all he saw was devastation, the temple was a mass grave and he felt like he was intruding, but he also found murals still not yet worn from the walls, with flying bison and winged benders soaring the skies, monks meditating in red and yellow robes, blue arrows tattooed into their skin

peter stayed there for months, just trying to glean what he could from what he found, he left the bones where they lay, unsure how to give them a proper burial, he took up meditating, but left when he started feeling the restless souls around him, he couldn’t live in a grave any longer

peter kept traveling until he found a sect of monks that strove to follow the lost teachings of the air nomads, and there peter stayed and trained for many more years

he was probably the worst monk they’d ever had, he was constantly asking questions none of them could answer and criticizing tradition, he also got into several fights with the other monks over spiritual theology, though he never admitted to anyone that he was an air bender, he soon became unbeatable in the defensive style of fighting the monks trained in

he kinda got kicked out for several reasons, the main one was “a strong lack of humility”

and so peter decided to go on a sort of pilgrimage to the other temples, to learn as much as he could, and to follow his dream of learning how to fly like the air nomads of old


	544. Chapter 544

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avatar the last airbender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Please for the love of Odin, continue that ATLA Au pls!!!!!! I LOVE THIS AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

peter’s whole strategy is mostly just asking everyone he meets until he figures out how to get to another air temple, it’s not a great strategy, people generally think he’s just a crazy hobo, the further into fire nation territory he get’s the more dangerous it becomes

peter has to change the way he talks, the way he dresses, the way he acts, there’s a very real chance that he’ll be killed if he says too much

it’s in a hostel on the fringes of the fire nation that peter runs into wade, well more like the place gets raided and peter follows wade out a window and into the forest, and peter tries to be friendly because accidental or not, wade just saved his life

only wade wants nothing to do with peter, he’s got a fucking air temple to find, wade stops dead when peter says, oh i know where that is, sorta

they make a deal, wade agrees to travel with peter and keep him alive because he obviously could use the help, and peter will share whatever he knows about the western air temple, which isn’t much, but it’s a hell of a lot more than wade’s been able to get in years

wade talks, constantly, it’s a steady stream of nonsense and half the time peter is pretty sure that wade’s talking to himself, he tries to strike up a conversation and ask what wade wants with the air temple, wade asks peter the same thing instead, peter says, archeology?, they both know he’s lying

wade kinda sucks at cooking, like he just never learned, peter found that out pretty fast and very firmly offered to cook from now on, peter seems to be able to make food out of nothing, and yet still make it taste good, he stopped asking what was in the food after the beetleworm soup

wade takes pity on peter who doesn’t seem to know how to hunt all that well and teaches him to use a slingshot, peter acidentally uses a little air bending and takes a lizardbird’s head clean off, dinner was good that night

peter and wade get stuck in a cave in the mountains for three days when a monsoon starts raging, they get bored and peter ends up reminiscing about home, about his aunt and uncle, and all the wooly pigs they raised, and how they’d terrorize his dumb rabbit dog, and he’d have to go save her and keep her inside till she calmed down

wade doesn’t talk about his family, just says there’s nobody worth remembering, so instead peter asks wade what he was doing before all this, and wade tells him about his time in the army, he was the hard ass that everybody hated, he trained as a sniper, best around, and then they didn’t want him anymore because he couldn’t shit fire so…. that ended

wade asks peter why he left his happy little farm life if it was so great then, and peter said he needed to look for answers, only problem is, he still doesn’t know the questions, wade laughs at him for basically just spewing bullshit, even if wade wasn’t a fire bender, it was still like sleeping next to a furnace

wade turns his back for one minute and peter found and named a goat dog that has it out for wade’s junk, wade suggests they kill it, peter threatens to stop cooking, the goat dog follows them through the mountains

the wind towards the summit of the mountains feels amazing, you can see forever and peter almost feels like he could just jump into the wind and keep on going forever, peter remembers something from when he was little, you know, he says, i always wanted to be a ribbon dancer when i was little

instead of laughing, wade says he wanted to be a fire bender, peter turns around and tells wade with absolute conviction that one day he’s going to fly, and wade says i believe you, and then tama the goat dog knocks wade over and barks happily, they all end up laughing

when they finally find it, it’s totally by accident, one moment they’re stading on a cliff wondering where the hell this fucking temple is supposed to be, and the next moment tama sends wade screaming over the edge, peter jumps after him without thinking, wade is screaming about how he’s going to kill that fucking thing when he gets back up there, peter grabs wade and blasts a jet of air away from the cliff, sending them both hurtling into the hidden western air temple

wade pulls a knife on peter as soon as they land and says in total shock, you’re the fucking avatar


	545. Chapter 545

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avatar the last airbender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Oh my god... More atla please..."

peter tries to say anything that would save his own ass, he’s not the avatar, he can’t even airbend right, like he seriously sucks at bending, but wade doesn’t believe him, because if peter is the last airbender left alive…

the only reason wade doesn’t kill peter, is because he remembers that the avatar is supposed to be able to visit the spirit world at will, so wade makes peter promise to get him to the spirit world, or wade will kill him

so peter tries wandering around the air temple, looking for spots that are good for meditating, because what the hell else is he supposed to do, wade just stands there and watches peter try to meditate for days without any sucess

wade starts getting impatient and asks what’s taking so long, and peter is grouchy bc he’s been trying to do something impossible for the last few days by sitting until his legs cramp, so peter yells i don’t know, maybe it’s because i’m a shitty bender

and wade, instead of yelling, puts peter into a stance and starts lecturing on the theory of bending, he explains that just like water is the opposite of fire, earth is the opposite of air, since earth benders use rigid form and heavy motions, peter should focus on having a relaxed stance and smooth motions, like dancing

and it kinda throws peter, because that’s not what he expected, wade is right though, under his tutelage peter actually gets a better feel for airbending, starts learning enough to experiment on his own, if he tries hard enough he can make it look like he’s walking on air, looks like all those years wade spend studying bending weren’t a waste after all

peter isn’t great at it, but now he can bend better than an elementary schooler, which is finally something, wade gets tired of waiting for peter to break through to the spirit world and decides they need to move on

they don’t really have a destination in mind this time, they just, travel, wade tries to teach peter firebending with no success, wade tells peter that he’s got to be the shittiest avatar ever, and peter agrees

wade decides that peter isn’t taking to firebending because by the avatar cycle he should be learning waterbending next, they’re pretty close to the north pole already, so they steal a boat and head out, neither of them actually knows how to steer a boat, peter exhausts himself trying to fill the sails and wade tells him to give it a rest before he kills himself

wade makes peter help him fish so they don’t run out of food, it gets cold fast and peter huddles together with wade under what blankets they have, peter tries to convince wade to head back, they’re going to die out here, what then

wade tells peter that he won’t die, so peter just needs to stay alive till they make it

they nearly get blown out of the water when the northern water tribe starts attacking their ship, maybe wearing fire nation colors wasn’t the best idea, but they survive because peter grabs wade and launches them both over the wall, they almost don’t make it but wade grabs onto the wall and hauls them both over, they do not get a friendly greeting

but somehow wade manages to convince the elders that peter is the avatar, even as bad as he is at airbending, no one has seen an airbender in centuries, so perhaps they didn’t care whether or not he was, only that he brought hope

peter meets with the best waterbending teachers they have, and sits in on a healing session and eats as the guest of honor, he’s never seen festivities like this before, it’s all so… happy

late that night, he and wade are taken to the sacred spirit oasis, peter forgets to breath when the door opens, he can feel the energy in the air, so can wade, wade is entranced, he walks right into the pool, and peter tries to pull him back, they both vanish


	546. Chapter 546

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, avatar the last airbender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Um, cliffhanger much? I demand more atla! (if you don't mind, please and thank you!)"
> 
> Ask from [helloiampac](http://helloiampac.tumblr.com/) reading, “Pl-please-e mmoooar atla  
> !!!!! I’M DYING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

the spirit world is strange and chaotic, peter’s about to panic because the trees are fucking moving and that bird can talk, wade’s the one that has to calm him down before he makes any noises or sudden movements

the bird, brightly colored as it is, follows them like an omen of death, chanting human, human

when peter gets scared by a large frog with as many glassy eyes as a spider, he reflexively sticks out a hand and realizes that he can’t bend here, he whispers this to wade who just starts grinning madly, because he’s finally fucking found it, he tells peter that maybe he is the avatar after all

a large wolf with glowing eyes and a pelt that seemed to have a face drawn in it’s fur found them, it did not speak, but they knew they had to follow it, so they did

bits and pieces of wade’s memory returned as they walked through the fog, he had made a deal, a new face for a favor, only he couldn’t remember what that favor was

the mother of faces was much bigger than wade remembered, she towered above dark and brittle forests and the pools around her glowed with a strange intensity, when she saw wade she asked him if he had fulfilled their deal, her voice boomed, echoing around them

peter was silent and open mouthed, holding onto wade like it was the only thing keeping him alive, wade decided to try being polite and apologized, he explained that he couldn’t remember what their deal was, so he couldn’t fulfill his side of it

the air seemed to leave their lungs as she turned to face them fully, though she seemed to posses no eyes, peter could see the faces growing out of rocks and trees around them contort into screams of agony

they woke up with the hiss of “humans” still ringing in their heads, they were somewhere else, a place neither of them had seen before, a forest, somewhere in the southern fire kingdom

wade, just to be sure, pulled out a knife and ran it across his palm, the wound didn’t heal and blood began to flow, wade started laughing hysterically while peter began to panic

wade finally explained a little, he told peter that he had almost died once and somehow entered the spirit world where he met the mother of faces, she promised to save him if he promised her a favor, wade, being wade, said no deal unless she could give him a new identity, she told him not to push his luck, but agreed, wade still can’t remember what the deal was, but to make sure he didn’t back out or fail, she made it so he couldn’t die, couldn’t even get hurt really

wade said it was a fucking nightmare, when peter asked what he was going to do now, wade said he didn’t know, he’d taken back his promise, and he wasn’t really looking for a new face now, he was at peace with who he was, it only took a trip around the world and a very bad airbender

peter said he didn’t really have anything to do now either, he was all pilgrimage out, he’s not the avatar, he’s slightly better at airbending, and he finally found his question, wade asked him what it was

peter looked up at the sky while they were sprawled on the ground and asked wade if he’d like to see peter’s home, the farm where he grew up, wade said he didn’t have anything better to do so why not

when they finally made it, peter realized that his aunt and uncle might not even live there anymore, he’d been gone for so many years, wade had to open the gate for him, the saggiest, oldest looking rabbit dog wade had even seen came bounding out and jumped into peter’s arms, an old woman followed

peter and may cried in each other’s arms and aunt may couldn’t seem to decide between yelling her head off at peter and keeping him in a bone crushing hug, so she did both

peter cried harder when she told him uncle ben passed away three years ago, said he always knew peter would come home again, peter finally showed aunt may why he left, demonstrated his bending, she went pale until wade jumped in and told her not to worry, he’s such a bad bender he could never be the avatar

so peter has to introduce wade to may, and may gives peter a knowing look, she walks back into the house complaining that her nephew ran away to find a man and didn’t even tell her first, such an ungrateful child

wade keeps saying that he’ll only stay a few days, but they all know he’ll never leave


	547. Chapter 547

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous "lol here i am again
> 
> so, this is an au where all of peter’s friends are alive (as much as i love michelle jones and ned and they’re both very fine and alive in mcu canon, tom holland’s peter is not much my thing) and maybe even a no powers au  
> gwen and peter have dated, but ended up in good terms and are good friends, harry is his rich childhood friend and mary jane is his “i wanna be actress” friend, but these are not that important lol
> 
> anyways, peter is waiting at the bar of a very trendy restaurant for a dinner with friends when they see a distressed wade sitting alone at a nearby table and begging the waiter for just five more minutes please my date must be running late. as the waiter is about to ask wade to vacate the table, peter, as the good do-er he is, feels bad and walks up over pretending to be wade’s missing date. (cr. otp prompts)
> 
> wade is surprised this cute ‘and very much not the person he was talking over this dating app’ guy walks up to his table saying he’s so sorry for being this late cause he didn’t think he’d be this caught up with work and his phone died on the way and is left speechless for a few moments
> 
> when the waiter looks convinced enough and dicicdes to leave the poor guy alone after taking their orders, peter has to pat himself mentally for agreeing to join the theater club back in highschool with mj when she was too shy she wouldn’t do it alone, without peter to support her
> 
> a few awkward moments of silence later peter apologizes for doing this impulsively but says wade’s free to join him and his friends at their table if he was okay with it, he just didn’t want his night being ruined by some jerk that stood him up
> 
> wade feels very self-conscious about his scars when he sees peter’s friends waving back at him, cause goddamn he’d never seen so much beautiful people together, but warm and fuzzy at the same time cause this adorable nice stranger decided to save his night
> 
> in the end wade decides ‘fuck it’ and joins peter at his table, all five of them are kinda drunk at the end of the night, wade, the drunkest, ends up crying on peter’s shoulder because this fucking asshole probably got scared by his face end decided to just not show up at this date instead of just saying ‘no u too ugly’, it might’ve hurt less than being stood up and almost getting kicked out of the restaurant
> 
> peter and the girls try to comfort him while harry shakes his head and mumbles angrily something about petty superficials bitches, they all exchange phone numbers with wade"

pft like peter and his gang grew up to be supermodel hot, and they fucking know it

anyways, just peter and his friends being down to bring wade into their circle to make wade’s night better, peter and wade beating everybody when they do shots, peter and his friends drunkenly trying to comfort wade by petting his head, because it’s a dumb thing mj started back in high school that they just do reflexively now

harry calls wade an uber because he’s the only one that could remember uber was a thing at the time, peter and his friends all texting wade the next day to tell him it was fun hanging out and to make sure he got home safe

wade getting integrated into peter’s friend circle, everybody keeps telling wade about all the dumb shit they pulled as kids, mostly to embarrass each other

wade steadily trying to squish down his growing crush he’s had on peter ever since he waltzed into wade’s life, wade admitting it to gwen, because she had already sorta figured it out, and gwen telling him to go for it, except wade chickens out the last second

so gwen ropes mj and harry into helping her get wade and peter together


	548. Chapter 548

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "omg... i need to know how gwen mj and harry get peter and wade together... pls..."

gwen considers herself an expert at this, she suggest to peter off hand that wade might be into him, which starts off the whole chain of events because not peter’s thinking about it, and when he calls up gwen and says hey i think maybe… i might… be into wade

she tells him not to worry, she’s gonna help him out, then she calls up harry and mj and they start planning the most romantic evening they can possibly think up, harry throws way too much money into it, they get peter and wade tailored suits and rent out the place that peter and wade first met at for an evening, mj insists on hiring a violin player

they get wade and peter into the suits and shove them into the resturant together, where they’re both speechless, like the floor is covered in rose petals, and peter groans because he’s been through this before, wade threatens to break the violin players bow unless they get the fuck out right now

they both want to leave, but peter doesn’t even want to think about how much all this costs, so they stay for a drink and take off their jackets, and end up losing track of time and snacks turn into appetizers, which turns into a meal, which turns into the stupid fancy ass gold leaf sunday they’re supposed to share for desert

before they go, they gather up armfuls of dying rose petals and shove them into the car when the gang comes to pick them up, harry still finds rose petals in the seats for weeks

as poorly thought out as it was, the date did the trick, and peter and wade decided for their own good, that they not tell any of the others when they go on any more dates


	549. Chapter 549

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker, bullying, transphobia, high school au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Cheesy high school au where wade is the new kid who goes behind the school to smoke and sees peter hanging from a fence by his underwear and decided to help him. Wade defends peter and they both end up falling for eachother."

wade’s moved around a lot, his parents are eeeh fairly successful scammers, they’ve been doing insurance fraud for years, wade has legally died twice and wade isn’t even the name he was born with, so school will ways be shitty since everywhere he goes, he’s always the new kid

he picked up the smoking habit from his parents, they smoke so much in the house that he developed a nicotine craving when he was six, he was skipping the first day of class because he hated doing all the fucking ice breakers

and that’s when he found peter, hanging by his shorts from the back fence, it was so fucking weird that he helped peter down and asked what happened, peter just said thanks and brushed him off and said flash wanted to see if he could actually do it, wade didn’t see peter again until next week when flash dumped the contents of the lunchroom garbage over peter

despite himself, he followed peter to the bathrooms, just to watch peter walk into the girls bathroom, he followed peter in anyways and asked if peter knew he was in the wrong bathroom, peter started laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe

wade dropped it and helped peter clean up, he asked if peter had tried to do anything about flash, peter just laughed dryly and mocked the principle, swaggering around and saying “have you tried not being trans?”

wade stiffened, and peter asked in a hard voice if that was going to be a problem for wade, but wade shook his head

the next time wade caught flash giving peter a hard time, he punched flash so hard he had to get surgery to stitch his lip back up, wade was going to be suspended until aunt may showed up and started raising hell, peter had told her _everything_

life was slightly less shitty for approximately a month, peter and wade hung out all the time and peter called wade up after school one day to tell him he finally got hormones from the doctor today, may and ben took the two of them out for a celebration dinner at ihop, it was the happiest both of them had been in a long time

and then the month was over, and flash came back, and since the school board wouldn’t have flash transferred to a new school, peter got pulled and started home school

and wade was alone, and school was back to sucking, but he toughed it out again until his parents packed up in the middle of the night and drove off with wade to a new state


	550. Chapter 550

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oh gosh that cheesy high school AU with trans Peter is my life I need to see these boys reunite as adults and Peter probably thinking that Wade just sees him as that loser kid he defended a bunch for one bearable month of HS, meanwhile Wade gets one look at him and is like "oh no he's hot""

they both ended up in nyc, peter because he’s just never going to leave the place, and wade because he was lucky enough to get a job there so he packed up his shit and moved, and by some miracle wade ended up behind peter in line at a starbucks

honestly wade hadn’t known it was peter, but peter was talking on the phone and he said, “love you too aunt may” and it all clicked in wade’s head, he said “peter?” and peter turned around and said “wade?”

wade was already running late, so he called in sick and sat down with peter at the starbucks, peter’s feeling a little awkward, he hasn’t seen wade since that one month in high school, and all wade did was beat up flash for him, but he’d had a crush on the guy ever since he stood up for peter

wade is desperately trying to act normal, peter was the first guy he’d ever had a crush on and instead of going away, he took one look at peter and fell head over heels all over again, because oh no, he’s hot

they stumble through a conversation, peter tells him that he stayed home schooled until college and he’s working on his degree, wade says he just barely made it though high school and started doing odd jobs around the country

wade just barely works up the courage to ask peter if he’s doing anything this weekend, peter immediately decides to flake on mj and says no i was just going to catch up on sleep, which is a fucking lie, he has so much homework to do

they trade numbers and wade is on cloud nine, peter practically floats all the way home, mj laughs at him for canceling on her for his high school crush, but she also tells him to have fun and try to be normal at least for the first date


	551. Chapter 551

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

ellie has two people in her life she loves very much, her dad wade, and her tutor peter, there’s also liberty the girl in class she likes, but she doesn’t know if liberty likes her back

ellie thinks that wade and peter would be great together and decides to make it happen, she looks up romantic dates online, and asks peter from wade’s phone if he’d like to go see a movie, wade thinks he just forgot he asked and rolls with it, they see the least romantic movie and ellie’s frustrated

this time she tries to be a little more subtle, she drops an add for a new exhibit at a nearby art museum in peter’s backpack when he tutors her, and makes her dad promise to take her, and then claims she has a birthday party to go to on that day so her dad should go without her and tell her later what it was like

wade thinks it’s a little suspicious, but he goes anyways, and runs into peter, and they end up talking and wade thinks it’s adorable how enthusiastic peter is about the whole thing, and they get a little giggly from too much champagne

ellie considers it a win since they sorta went on a date

ellie sneaks a peak at peter’s planner, and sees that he’ll be in central park on thursday at three, so on thursday she suddenly wants to take a walk with her dad, they run into peter who’s taking pictures for his photography class, ellie jumps at the chance to be peter’s model and even insists on climbing a tree so that peter can get a cool picture of her

ellie thinks she gets her chance when peter texts wade saying he can’t tutor ellie today, would it be alright if he came over to their house later tonight instead, and ellie is suddenly very enthusiastic about fractions

she makes the kitchen into a giant mess cooking spaghetti for dinner, wade tries to help and the food actually turns out good, when wade is distracted, ellie sets up the dinner table all nice for two and pulls out a candle she found in the top of the pantry and lights it

when peter finally gets there, wade walks him into the dinning room, because that’s where ellie does her homework, except they both stop and stare at the table, peter makes an uuuuuuuh sound

and then ellie walks in wearing her fancy tutu and one of her dad’s suit jackets with the sleeves all bunched up to her elbows, and with a terrible french accent, she tells them their table is ready

peter and wade think it’s the cutest thing, they play along and ellie serves them spaghetti, wade makes her sit down with them and eat though, it still works out because peter and wade are doing that dopey thing where they stare at each other when the other isn’t looking

ellie nearly shouts in victory when peter gives wade a peck on the cheek before he leaves, they never do figure it out


	552. Chapter 552

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, youtuber au, no powers au

i will go down with youtuber aus

peter and wade are both gaming youtubers, but peter does some videos about himself and his cat and answers questions

so wade has been a longtime fan of peter’s channel and anybody that watches wade’s channel would know that bc he ain’t subtle, like he gushes about the guy nearly every video

now peter, he gets introduced to wade’s channel when he does a react to other youtubers video, and the most popular youtuber in the suggestions was wade

and he watches one of wade’s overwatch videos, wade stans widowmaker big time, he gets into fights all the time with people trying to tell him that she’s a terrible character to play competitively, to which wade says something about his spider wife bc he’s that person

and peter just thinks wade is fucking hilarious, he spends the whole video just laughing his ass off and saying “this guy is great, oh my god”, he had to stop filming when he fell off his chair laughing when wade said he was disappointed reaper didn’t have more bondage gear skins

and wade is really fucking good, and peter says something along the lines of man i kinda wanna play with this guy now

so

wade gets a flood of people asking him to record himself watching the new video peter put out, and wade’s like ok sure why not

and he gets thirty seconds in before he’s practically screaming, like he is on the edge of his seat the entire time, hanging on every word out of peter’s mouth, wade whispering “he thinks i’m funny”, and then screaming “HE THINKS IM CUTE”

and when wade gets to peter saying he’d like to play with wade, the camera falls over, there’s screaming in the background, the footage cuts to wade bouncing up and down in his seat in excitement bc he’s actually gonna fucking meet peter

and it actually happens, they live stream together and half the time you can’t tell if they’re shouting at each other or flirting

wade tells peter to “bring it on pretty boy”, and peter says “right back atcaha handsome”, and wade goes quiet bc holy shit peter just called him handsome, and peter gets uncomfortable bc of the silence and jokingly asks if they weren’t doing pet names

and wade’s voice drops an octave when he finally says “baby boy, you can call me whatever you like”

peter goes beet red


	553. Chapter 553

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, youtuber au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "youtuber au they have to do the “we’re dating!!” video even though everyone already knows and then they do a boyfriend tag"

oh man it’s so obvious from the first one, they have to disable to comments for it within the first day, but they don’t actually get together until wade flies out to see peter for the first time and they do another video together for peter’s channel where wade meets his cat, it’s stupid cute

peter is kinda staggered at the amount of subscribers he gets, like he doesn’t upload very often since he does this mostly for fun so he didn’t have like that many followers to begin with, wade on the other had is psyched at the bump in his numbers, he does this full time so he does like a video every other day almost, he’s sponsored by a local retro game shop that recently moved part of their stock online

peter starts binge watching wade’s channel and by the end of it he’s dying to ask how wade got his scars, because he has a whole tag of videos where people were rude and tried to get him to give the story so he instead made up something completely ridiculous, but peter doesn’t want to be rude, so he doesn’t ask

they start a boyfriend tag where they announce that peter got a job closer to wade so they’ll be moving in together, the tag quickly devolves into the two of them telling stories about each other, good and bad

peter has one where it’s just him sitting in the dim kitchen in his pajamas, petting his cat and complaining about wade snoring, the snoring can be heard through the whole video, it’s pretty bad

wade does one where peter is tapping away at his laptop with his glasses on, he’s so focused that he doesn’t notice wade, who starts stacking things around peter just to see what he can do before peter notices, wade’s in the kitchen grabbing cereal boxes when there’s a crash and a quiet “what the fuck” from the computer room

wade does share his story with peter eventually, and just peter, says when he was a little kid, his parents weren’t around too often, it was probably better that way, but while he was alone a shelf full of china fell on him, the glass cut up his left side real bad, and since he was alone, he was trapped under the shelf for hours, the doctors couldn’t save his eye and he’s had a crooked smile ever since, the scars were so deep that most of them stayed pretty visible

wade pops out his glass eye a lot to chase peter around with it, it seriously freaks peter out, being with peter gives wade confidence, and he eventually gets some amazingly weird glass eyes, peter hates the one that’s clear with a fish inside, he’s also got one that looks like a cyborg eye and one from some anime he still loves


	554. Chapter 554

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, youtuber au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [eeirien]() for a part 3, "aaaaa mucho me gusta the youtubers trope!! does wade has scars? if yes, how bad is it? how big is their channel respectively? how often they do collabs after this? is their friendship an online and long distance friendship? are they planning to meet in person? do they meet in person at a con or one of them travels to the other hometown? i want moar"

wade’s pretty scarred up on the left half of his body, and his hair comes in patchy there because of it, so he normally just shaves his head so he doesn’t have to deal with it, but that makes him look scarier and he’s very self conscious about it, his face and arm have the worst of it, and his left eye is a glass eye since he lost it as a kid

peter doesn’t post on a schedule and does a mix of humor, gaming, lifestyle and vlogs so his channel is pretty niche and doesn’t have a very big following, which works out because he does it for fun, wade discovered peter’s channel by accident when he tried to search for a tv show about the world’s deadliest spiders he remembered watching a year ago, peter’s channel is called arachnerd so it was the best typo wade ever made

wade uploads twice a week and gets sponsored, so he’s obviously more focused on his channel than peter is, and he has a pretty decent following, it started out as a game review channel that he set up for fun at home and as soon as wade realized he could play video games for a living, he went full in, wade’s channel started out as skullpoopL69, which he later changed to themercwithamouth

they were only planning on doing the one video, but with the spike in both their subscribers and the fact that they got on so well, they decided to make it a regular thing, like once a month they’d play a multiplayer or mmo game or something, but then wade started calling peter up any time he got a new multiplayer, and started wanted to replay his older multiplayers, and then they started texting a shit ton, it didn’t take long before they decided to go out

since peter lives in a different state, they have to keep their relationship long distance for about a year before wade decided fuck it and flew down to see peter in person, peter is really glad that wade lives in new york because peter actually moved out of state to go to college, and his aunt lives in new york too, so he’s really happy to be going home after graduating


	555. Chapter 555

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, moulin rouge au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "if you’ve seen moulin rouge pls discuss that au"

honestly i wouldn’t change much of anything about the original story

wade would be the courtesan, he’d be fine af and walking around in lacy rose patterned tights and bejeweled corsets, hes dying of cancer but doesn’t know it yet, just thinks the ribs digging into his lungs make him faint a lot, which probably doesn’t help at all, the makeup covers the dark circles under his eyes

peter is the young idealistic self proclaimed artist chasing a dream, he’s got only the clothes on his back and a head full of words that just keep spilling out wherever he walks

wade mistakes peter for the duke (idk who that should be), they have that wonderfully awkward misunderstanding where wade keeps trying to straddle peter who is falling over himself trying to back away and get out what he wants to say, in a panic peter starts singing, about truth, beauty, freedom, and above all else, love

wade is smitten, he’s never had someone so genuinely try to romance him before, to give him something so heartfelt and beautiful, he almost throws peter out the window when he realizes his mistake

it’s stupid and beautiful and dangerous, what they have, maybe that makes it more exciting, peter is unfailing in his belief in love, no matter what anyone tells him, no matter what he has to see wade do, he believes with every fiber of his being that because wade said he loved him, that was all they needed

all peter needs is to love and be loved in return, that’s what he says, but he’s jealous and worried and suspicious, he can’t offer wade anything but love and songs, not even a penny to his name, wade thinks that’s all he needs, but then he finds out he’s dying

wade gives up peter and returns to the stage, after all, money is the most important thing, and if he’s going to die soon, then he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of, and that he passes away in the lap of luxury, peter will get over him

peter will very much not get over wade, and risks his stupid life just to beg for one more chance, and in the end, wade gives up everything because he can’t bear to see peter think that wade doesn’t love him, that it was an act from beginning to end

and of course just when the stage lights have gone out and everyone cheers the happy ending, wade collapses on top of peter, and this time he doesn’t wake

peter lives out the rest of his life in that same place in a drunken stupor, just next to the broken down and abandoned moulin rouge where sometimes he visits just to remember wade dancing center stage, wade telling peter he always wanted to be an actor, wade smiling at him like he hung the stars in the sky

before he dies, peter sits down at his old typewriter and writes one last story, a story about truth, beauty, freedom; but above all things, a story about love


	556. Chapter 556

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is watching one of those extreme cooking/travel channel shows and that day they are eating tarantulas. Wade finds him freaking out"

peter had several pet tarantulas as a kid, so he’s always thought of them as pets, not like wild animals or heaven forbid, _food_

like it just does not occur to him, so when he’s watching a show about extreme meals from around the world, he just whispers no as tarantulas get impaled on sticks and their little writhing legs curl up in the fire

he’s crying when wade finds him because one of the tarantulas looked just like the first pet he’d ever had

peter gets two tarantulas the next day and wade has to take a deep breath because he loves peter, so _much_ , and he’s going to be a supportive boyfriend and he will not scream like a little girl when peter puts a giant ass hairy spider on his head


	557. Chapter 557

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade has a spiderman room that looks only slightly less glamorous than tony’s captain america room, he’s even got a whole shelf dedicated to cheap knockoff merch


	558. Chapter 558

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

idk why but i always imagine peter becoming the crazy cat lady when he hits like 30

has five cats and his house always smells like cat food, there is cat hair fucking everywhere, he can’t even get it out of his spiderman suit, his cats don’t give him a chance to change before they’re all over him, asking for food

peter would be that nerd that builds the cat equivalent of a hamster tunnel system around his house and makes a caged platform outside his window for his cats to sunbathe in

all of his cats sleep on top of him at night, one of these days he’s going to choke on fur and die in his sleep

peter’s arms are always full of scratches and claw marks because he has a kitten and she’s a willy little fuck that thinks hands are fucking toys, peter hates and loves her in equal measure, her name is fuckstick until she deserves a better one


	559. Chapter 559

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, roomates au

peter and wade are just two guys that met over a craigslist add and agreed to split the rent on an apartment, neither of them knows anything really about the other

peter has a cat that likes hoarding unusual things, like weaponry and superhero costumes, peter tries to keep a constant eye on her so she doesn’t steal anything important and put it where wade can see

except one day he finds her horde, and instead of his spidey gear, she’s got a deadpool mask, three knives, a small gun, and a fuckton of bullets


	560. Chapter 560

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

one day peter comes home to find that wade got rid of their bed and replaced it with a massive stuffed animal


	561. Chapter 561

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter moves out aunt may decides to get a tenant since the house is so quiet now, and she could use the extra money

peter is immediately suspicious of wade wilson and keeps trying to convince his aunt that this is a bad idea, but she just tells him that wade is a good man and she’s know him for a while since they’ve been billiard buddies for months

peter hates that wade got may a handgun and taught her to shoot it, she says it makes her feel safer, it makes peter feel nervous

something about wade just seems so familiar but he can’t put his finger on it and it’s driving him crazy, he also hates that wade is a better cook than him, and that aunt may always has something good to say about wade, peter tries not to think about how he’s being replaced

wade on the other had is trying to get along with peter since aunt may is amazing and he doesn’t want to be on peter’s bad side, the guy shows up just about every day to glare at him

peter eventually relents and actually starts talking to wade, wade has been everywhere, he’s got a story for everything and peter doesn’t even care if he’s making it all up, when he finally admits to wade that he’s a good cook wade never lets it go and peter vows to never compliment him again

peter starts avoiding his aunt’s house when he realizes he might like wade a little, and he starts feeling really guilty because his aunt starts calling to see if he’s ok

little does peter know that wade already talks to may about how he may have a crush on her nephew and asked if it was ok if he asked him out, he has may’s blessing and unfortunately her intervention, she’s been making up twice the excuses to get peter to come to the house lately


	562. Chapter 562

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade and couples dance class"

peter tries to get wade out of the house more and wade only agrees to go if he gets to pick the activity, he picks a couples swing dancing class, peter has a flashback to being forced to square dance in elementary and squashes down his apprehension

peter regrets it as soon as they walk in, he may be an acrobatic superhero, but something about being in a class just makes him nervous as hell

they both end up actually liking the class, but the instructor has a thing for wade and peter’s been silently seething the whole time, peter ends up getting really good at swing dancing out of pure spite


	563. Chapter 563

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [eeirien](http://eeirien.tumblr.com/), "deadpool is so good with children that spider-man is surprised (and maybe instantly smitten), bcs it's so surprising that it got him thinking like "he is so adorable... wtf brain""

peter makes it his job to watch wade at the trick or treat even the avengers have going on in the tower, tony keeps telling him that jarvis can immobilize him in three seconds from anywhere, but he just wants to be sure, i mean, deadpool, and kids

so it surprises peter when wade turns out to be a hit with the kids, he even takes his mask off for a group of kids that are complaining nothing’s scary enough, they follow him around the whole night because they think he’s the coolest thing ever

wade keeps sneaking himself candy and when one little girl tells him he can’t eat all that candy or he’ll get a stomach ache, wade tells her it’s ok because his super powers make it so he can’t get sick from eating candy, it’s bullshit but the girl runs off to tell her parents how she wants to be a super hero when she grows up

peter starts feeling bad for doubting wade since, well this is most put together and kind he’s ever seen wade be, even if he does keep teaching the kids swear words and then running when the parents come for his head

it’s when peter’s laughing at wade giving three kids a piggyback ride all at once that that little flicker of affection sparks in his chest, he abandons wade to go hide in one of the floors closed to the public with a bag of caramel apple lollypops and his feelings that he’s most certainly not having, no sir


	564. Chapter 564

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, amnesia, identity porn

peter finds wade at a villian’s secret base and just assumes since there were a lot of creepy experiments and shit laying around that wade is something the evil scientist made, and lacking other options, takes wade home with him instead of leaving him to be found by the cops or someone worse

neither of them know that wade still has a metal plate in his head that basically makes him unable to remember shit, so peter names wade steve since there was a captain america poster nearby and that’s the first thing he could think of

peter tries to teach wade how to be a person, which is not going so great but he’s learning, and they probably woulda kept going like that if somebody hadn’t recognized wade on the street and taken him in, peter wasn’t about to let wade get taken by shield without putting up a fight, so they ended up taking peter too

peter gets kicked out pretty early on, and when he sees wade walking down the street sometime later, he just assumes that wade still remembers everything that happened and therefore knows peter is spiderman

wade does not remember shit, he’s trying to figure out who the hell this guy is that started talking to him for no reason, he somehow gets the guy’s number and keeps getting invited along to do dumb shit with peter like play video games and get some coffee while peter complains about his week

so when shit goes down and wade is about to high tail it out of there, his jaw drops when peter whips out a spidey mask and starts kicking ass, wade starts thinking that maybe there was something important he missed before he woke up in a shield facility blanking on a month


	565. Chapter 565

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, amnesia, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [eeirien](http://eeirien.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "more of that identity porn au where wade had amnesia, please!!"

wade does not let on that he’s got no idea who peter is and just rolls with it, because at this point it feels a little awkward to say something, and apparently he’s friends with spiderman now, so he’s going to try and not ruin that

so wade starts like following peter around and taking notes, trying to figure out their apparently shared history, but everything he gets is wildly different

like when he talks to one of peter’s friends they’re surprised wade is talking more and not named steve, and when he runs by the avengers they try to get spidey to stay far away from wade, and when wade tries something safe and asks peter “remember when we met”, and peter just chuckles and says yeah you were a lot more naked

and none of that fucking makes sense, he’s not even sure what kind of relationship they have, but he’s not going to tell peter that

peter’s starting to catch on, wade keeps saying things that don’t make sense, and forgetting things peter has told him before, that and mj called to tell him that wade was asking about how he and peter met

peter knows it’s mean, but he wants to see how far wade’s going to go before he cracks


	566. Chapter 566

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, photographer au, scientist au

photographer peter flies out to an arctic base to take pictures for like nat geo, and wade is a scientist on the base who thinks it’s hilarious how much peter complains about the cold bc he fucking lives there

wade and peter end up really hitting it off, and wade is surprised to learn that peter can understand most of what they’re recording while out there, since he got pretty far in his degree before changing it to photography

and peter shows wade his pictures from his last trip, when he went to galapagos, and wade and the other researchers from the base all end up huddled around peter’s computer while he shows them all the pictures, like it’s been so long since any of them have seen plants and animals, so peter brought them a breath of fresh air

he and peter end up exchanging numbers, and peter never fails to pick up for wade because he rarely ever calls, the storms and ice usually make it harder to do more than once a month

and when wade finally gets to go home, aunt may invites him over while peter is talking to him over the phone


	567. Chapter 567

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, police au

wade is a workaholic fbi agent that thinks he knows everything

peter is a crime scene photographer, wade once implied that anybody could do peter’s job, so peter decided he was going to be better than wade at _his_ job, and he thinks one uping wade is hilarious, so in his free time he ends up pouring over case files and studying up on things like blood spatter analysis

peter ends up being the one that notices all the little details or whips out some knowledge on a monumentally old and forgotten case that cracks the one they’re working on wide open

and wade, just, _fucking_ hates him


	568. Chapter 568

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "more of fbi agent au pls <4"

sometimes peter will send wade the photographs with sticky notes attached with all the important details written down, wade hates it because it feels like he’s just regurgitating what peter notices, even though if peter weren’t in the way he’d be completely capable of solving it on his own

just for shits and giggles, some of wade’s co workers have peter take an aptitude test, except wade’s boss gets ahold of it, and peter passed, with flying colors

wade just fucking throws a stapler across the room when peter walks into the office with his badge and a shit eating grin, peter dodges the stapler and anyone in the know just starts laughing bc this oughta be good

peter is good at his job, even if he is the world’s worst fbi agent, he insists on wearing aviator glasses that don’t fit his face and climbing up into windows instead of using doors like a normal person

wade is constantly apologizing for peter’s antics, sometimes peter shows up late because he’s trying to find an open window, so wade just starts doing his job in the meantime, and if anybody asks where his partner is, wade just responds with hopefully dead

wade finally starts to take peter seriously when wade gets his ass handed to him by peter, peter and wade had gotten into a fight about what they were supposed to do next, peter wanted to follow his gut feeling and wade wanted to do the sensible thing, so they both did their own thing and peter had been right

wade finally starts listening to peter as a begrudging equal and realizes that hot damn he’s actually really smart, peter winds up having really reliable gut feelings, wade learns to just go with it instead of asking questions, peter’s always nerding out about the latest crime scene tech and makes friends with the lab techs, so wade and peter’s cases always get pushed through first

wade accidentally finds out that peter, despite being a photographer, is camera shy and takes every opportunity to snap pictures of peter, which is how wade found himself drinking at three am while flipping through pictures of peter’s dumb face and crying because feelings


	569. Chapter 569

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [helloiampac](http://helloiampac.tumblr.com/) for a part 3, "I love how Wade in your fbi agent au cries about his feelings. Can we have more ugly crying and pining? You're so good to us <3"

when wade has a problem, he usually ignores it by throwing himself into his work, which shouldn’t be possible since he’d sleep in his office if the janitorial staff didn’t kick him out every night

peter notices something different about wade, he’s too busy to even grab lunch, he doesn’t return half of peter’s calls, and he keeps sending peter off to do something else so he can be alone at work

peter is confused af, he tries asking around, but nobody really knows anything about wade, he mostly keeps to himself at work, which is weird, because peter didn’t think he was that kind of person

so peter decides that wade needs to let off some steam and drags wade along when a group of their co workers invite them for a drink after work

wade wasn’t planning on drinking, but peter is a flirty drunk and wade really can’t deal with this sober, so wade starts heavy drinking and soon enough their coworkers are taking pictures and laughing at peter drunkenly trying to console wade who is just blubbering into peter’s shoulder

nobody actually knows where wade lives, and he’s too drunk to give a real answer, so peter volunteers to take him to his house and calls a cab

wade wakes up the next morning, naked, in peter’s bed with no memory of last night, so he bolts before peter wakes up


	570. Chapter 570

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Whenever Wanda is not home, Peter would pig out on her chocolate stash."

peter has zero self control when it comes to sweets, he’s already got a super metabolism which means he’s always starving, so he really can’t help himself

most of the food in the tower gets locked up actually, the last time bruce hulked out he smashed open the kitchens and ate everything in sight, plus most of the team’s supers have high metabolism and will eat anything that isn’t locked down

wanda’s pretty confident that no one will ever mess with her stuff, she’s a mind reader after all, but time and time again she gets proven wrong, and peter never learns, not even after that time she dangled him off the edge of the roof and shook him like a rag doll


	571. Chapter 571

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "In regards to that ask about Peter stealing Wanda's chocolate, can we have annoying little brother Peter and I've had it up to here with this kid's shit but I will murder anyone who hurts him big sister Wanda? Thank you!"

peter reminds her a lot of pietro in some ways, he’s a chatter box and his mouth runs faster than his feet, and he’s fucking annoying, always getting into her stuff and hanging around and getting underfoot, always asking question after question about the little bones and skulls she collects

but she doesn’t have the heart to tell him to fuck off, so he just keeps on getting in the way, and wanda realizes it’s helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off of

she maybe likes peter hanging around sometimes because he always says exactly whats on his mind, so she doesn’t have to stress herself out trying to keep out of his head, because he’s already an open book

wanda usually shows her magic experiments to peter first, since he’s excited if it blows up, and even more excited if it works

she won’t ever say that he’s ok to have around though, avengers keep their feelings bottled up inside until they die

she’s the first one to show up whenever peter is in any real danger, she can hear when he’s in trouble, and god help anyone that actually hurts him, she has a hard time keeping her powers under control when she’s that angry


	572. Chapter 572

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter is from the bronx but usually you cant tell bc he doesnt act or sound like it most of the time but one night during a team up, peters heavy accent slips out and wade does a double take (maybe even swoons a bit)."

peter doesn’t like giving himself away, he’s trained himself to talk without an accent when he’s spiderman, he doesn’t talk about his personal life or anyone he knows, doesn’t even say whether or not he has a family or friends, most people just assume he has a spider cave covered in webs in an old studio apartment somewhere

so when peter slips up, wade latches onto it because after five unsuccessful months of wheedling, he finally gets spidey to open up a little, well it’s more like wade can pretend to be stupidly ignorant about new york to the point that peter snaps and explains why wade is fucking wrong, or he winds up taking wade somewhere to prove a point

both are good because if peter gets peeved enough wade can catch the accent slipping in, and even if he doesn’t half the time it ends in a dinner date, peter knows all the best restaurants so wade makes sure most of their arguments are about food


	573. Chapter 573

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown for a part 2, "More with the Bronx accent AU please? I honestly live for it now."

wade makes fun of him all the time, peter’s heard enough of wade’s bad imitations to last a lifetime, his aunt would have a fit if she heard wade doing that

peter’s really fucking pissed when he realizes that wade has been living in new york for a while and he’s just doing all this to bug peter, he tries fighting back by doing the worst possible canadian accent

wade finds out he’s been beat when peter starts responding to all his teasing with less fighting and more wildly dumb questions about canada, peter is absolutely delighted that he’s found something that gets under wade’s skin just as much as wade gets under his


	574. Chapter 574

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, sex work, stripper au, organized crime au, librarian au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is a stripper (got that from the dance prompt) and is really flexible. While wade is like either the bodyguard or a mafia boss possessive of his sugar baby."

peter has a whole thing about taking money from people, that is to say he doesn’t, his pride gets in the way sometimes, but he also doesn’t want to put any stress on aunt may, which is why he took up stripping to pay for college and to help out his aunt, he already had a background in ballet so he was a natural

eventually after working one place for a while he met someone who put in a good word for him at a really fancy strip club downtown, the one that the mafia owns

wade ends up going there a lot, he’s the boss’s go to hitman, so he’s got a lot of freedom, he first set his sights on peter when he tried to pay peter to have sex with him, and peter misunderstood, told wade he doesn’t take charity, and walked off

wade gets even more interested in peter when even after peter learns who wade is, he still treats him the same and still doesn’t talk to him after work, maybe it’s just that peter is something wade can’t have

wade finally catches peter one time when peter gets off work and is talking to his boss, he gives peter a job offer of sorts, says he can have a contract drawn up and everything, peter wasn’t interested until he saw the paycheck, he quit his job stripping the next day

wade realizes somewhere along the way that he started falling for peter, it hits him when he sees peter on one of his off days, laughing with someone wade didn’t know, and just gets insanely jealous

peter has been feeling weirder and weirder about whatever he has with wade, because it’s a job, he’s got a contract, but they keep renegotiating boundaries and getting more and more intimate, and peter doesn’t want to stay in if he’s going to fall for the guy that pays him to have sex, because that always ends well


	575. Chapter 575

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, sex work, stripper au, organized crime au, librarian au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Aaaaahhhhhhhh more stripper au please!"

peter’s the one that makes up his mind first, he decides to return his last paycheck, quit, and ask wade out, he knows that wade is likely to say no, he’s peter’s boss, not his friend, but that’s something peter’s willing to take a chance on

peter doesn’t get to quit, wade blows up in the middle of him quitting and tells him to get the hell out and never come back, so peter does, he hates himself for blowing it, for not just keeping his emotions and his job separate

peter has a hard time getting a new job, he can’t work anywhere the mafia frequents, he’s trying to avoid the angry hit man that fired him, so he goes home to aunt may

he’d saved up enough that he and his aunt could live comfortably while he finds a less sketchy job, one he’ll be able to tell may about

he gets a lucky break and one of his aunts friends mentions that a local librarian is retiring soon, so he jumps on the chance, he could use something quiet

but peter forgot that the universe is a bitch, which is why just a few months in, wade goddamn wilson walks in and right up to the counter, peter bites his tongue and puts on his librarian face, wade just starts laughing and asks peter if this is really what he traded wade in for

and peter gets so fucking angry in that moment that he punches wade square in the face and storms out of the building while wade’s swearing in surprise

wade follows him around the back of the building, because he can’t just leave well enough alone, asks peter what the hell that was, peter said it was exactly what he deserved now fuck off he’s got books to sort

wade comes back the next day, and the next day, and the next day

he doesn’t admit it, but he’s been looking for peter ever since he left, broken hearts don’t heal easy, and now that he’s found peter again, he’s gonna do things right, buy him flowers and shit, ask him on a real date

when he asks peter on a date, peter just starts laughing and walks off, the fifth time peter threatens to call the cops, the seventh time peter says alright if it’ll get you to shut up

he takes peter to the natural history museum, the whole thing is closed for the day because wade paid for a really good date, peter’s trying really hard not to be impressed, really damn hard, he didn’t think wade had been listening to all his science rambles

wade spends most of the day listening to peter rattle off information about all the exhibits, sometimes he knows more than the little plaques do, peter does back flips down the massive entrance hall

wade takes him to the planetarium last, it’s peter’s favorite part, wade asks him when they’re just sitting in the quiet and watching galaxies go by why peter left, and peter says that he didn’t, he quit because he didn’t feel right taking money from the guy he liked

wade sinks in his seat and says with a quiet realization, _i’m a fucking idiot_

peter tells him _yeah you are, but you’re my idiot_


	576. Chapter 576

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, sex work, stripper au, organized crime au, librarian au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [nygmobblepot-der-pool](https://nygmobblepot-der-pool.tumblr.com/) for a part 3, "MORE FUCKING STRIPPER AU PLEASE IM BEGGING"

since peter and wade have an actual relationship now, peter ends up moving in with wade and going back to his old job stripping since he makes way more money that way, it’s still wade’s favorite strip club and he and peter gross flirt in the middle of work all the time

peter keeps telling wade to stop paying for lap dances they fucking live together, wade does not stop

when peter takes wade to meet aunt may, wade gets all nervous and puts on his best suit and together they come up with a believable lie, peter’s been telling aunt may that he works at a bank, so they said wade worked as a security guard at the same place and that’s how they met

peter feels shitty lying to his aunt but it’s better than her finding out he’s a stripper and wade works for the mafia

wade doesn’t have any family for peter to meet, but wade’s boss invited him and peter over for dinner, which peter spent a long time agonizing over because what the hell do you wear to a family dinner with a mafia boss


	577. Chapter 577

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter and wade start dating, wade gets to see up close and personal just how fucking draining everything is on peter, how he’s not giving himself a break and three seconds away from collapse constantly

now in order to juggle everything peter has a meticulous planner, he follows that thing like it’s law, that’s how he’s not dead yet

so what wade has been doing is messing with his schedule so that peter is putting less on himself and starts winding up at the park to “take a goddamn break”, or an arcade or a cafe because “i know you haven’t eaten yet”

and at first peter is mad, because that’s his fucking planner, but it just makes him so goddamn happy when he ends up in an arcade, actually looks at his planner, where it says check your pockets, and finds a roll of quarters in his back pocket

peter starts tearing up in an arcade because he’s dating an idiot and he’s in love with that idiot, and he kinda just wants to run home and tell him so


	578. Chapter 578

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

peter breaks up a black market auction and finds the scariest goddamn thing he’s ever seen, it’s in a tank that should have been cleaned a while ago, and it’s got teeth that stretch over it’s lips and yellowed eyes that blink with two pairs of eyelids, the skin is red, pocked, and scarred and long ragged nails and scales scrape against the glass every so often, making a blood curling sound

so peter takes the scary mermaid home and names him wade, he’s gotta wear a hocky mask and arm guards the first month because wade will lunge at him and try to eat him, wade likes fresh squid best, he’s not fond of sushi though

peter learns sign to teach to wade, since he doesn’t seem to be able to talk, wade’s favorite word is food, he’s a bottomless pit and peter is pretty sure wade would gorge himself until he keeled over if he let him

peter once gave wade a manicure just because the claws creeped him out a little, wade loved it and now once a week peter has to paint wade’s claws or he’ll throw a fit

peter tried bringing wade to the ocean a couple times, but wade would just hop back out of the water and tell peter its cold and dirty, so now peter is kinda stuck on what to do, he can’t keep wade forever, his bank account is already dangerously low


	579. Chapter 579

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown for a part 2, "Awww, can you write a little more of the mermaid AU <3"

peter starts panicking when he gets some unexpected visitors that try to kill him to get wade back, he shoves wade in a wheelchair and wraps him up tight and runs, he doesn’t have a destination, it’s more just hoping a miracle will drop out of the sky

which is when johnny storm shows up and peter internally curses himself for not being more specific, but he doesn’t have time to be picky so he gets johnny’s attention and kinda panic babbles which amounts to: guns! mermaid! help!

luckily the baxter building has a surplus of giant ass tanks that wade can fit in, peter has to stay with wade, since wade will start trying to escape if he can’t see peter

nobody’s got any idea what the hell wade is or where he came from, reed keeps trailing off when he’s talking to peter and getting absorbed in some sort of reading he was getting from the devices around wade

nobody really has a better idea, so peter ends up moving into the baxter building to stay by wade, it’s the best place peter can think, surrounded by state of the art security, in a self filtering and monitoring tank, and under the protection of the fantastic four

wade doesn’t like anybody but peter, but through a ton of fish and a lot of patience, he’s starting to get along with others, he actually doesn’t mind ben since ben can’t really feel it when wade bites and scratches at him, so ben gets stuck moving wade in and out of the tank a lot


	580. Chapter 580

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

a fic from aunt may’s point of view where she has to watch her idiot nephew and the idiot guy he’s in love with awkwardly dancing around each other for a year, and her failed attempts to get them both to hurry up and start dating, she complains about them all the time to her friends in book club, everybody is always asking for updates on how peter’s love life is going, aunt may has been telling stories about peter for years now so everybody in book club thinks of him as family, even if they’ve only met him once or twice

they have an honest to god celebration when may shows up and says boy have i got some goddamn news for you, when peter shows up to bring aunt may her purse that she forgot, he’s accosted by the book club all congratulating him and some of them ask when the wedding is going to be, he’s never been more confused in his life


	581. Chapter 581

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "genderbend wade got peter a shirt that read "this one's crazy" when she learned that peter had the venom symbiote. peter later returned with a shirt that read "this one's crazier""

wanda wilson and peter parker being adorable nerds and making the whole tshirt thing a thing, like it’s wanda’s way of saying thanks for sticking around, and peter’s way of saying sorry i know this isn’t the kind of shit you signed up for

wanda likes stealing peter’s shirts, but she’s taller and buffer than he is so they always get stretched out

peter learns to knit very poorly and makes wanda a sweater, it’s ugly as fuck but she loves it to death and wears it all the time, much to peter’s horror and venom’s glee, it was supposed to be like one of those gifts that has meaning but you never really use, wanda will tell anyone that will listen about how her boyfriend made her this kickass sweater

peter and wanda keep sending aunt may cheesy #1 aunt tshirts, she doesn’t get the joke but she keeps every one

wanda coercing and bribing some of the x men into helping her out with her proposal, which mostly consists of sticking them all in lettered tshirts and trying to get them to semi dance in unison

peter laughs his ass off and says yes, peter and wanda sending out their wedding invitations printed on tshirts, they hyphenate their last names


	582. Chapter 582

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jane eyre au, 1800s au

jane eyre au where wade is a 19th c. man of wealth and great status, peter is the private tutor he hired to teach his ward, ellie, who only speaks french

peter learns that wade, despite his rough demeanor, is a gentle soul and they fall in love, his dreams are dashed when peter discovers the secret room hidden deep in the house, a woman pale as death tries to kill him while screaming nonsense

wade explains that the woman is his wife and peter is scandalized, he leaves at once, not at all sure what he’ll do next, he visits his aunt who he learns is dying, she holds him close on her death bed and tells him that she just wants him to be happy

so after the funeral peter goes back to the manor with a broken heart, just to find it burned to the ground, by asking around he manages to find wade who had been hideously scarred in the fire trying to save his wife, she died and wade barely made it out alive

wade asks if peter could still love him after seeing him like this, and peter says of course, they move to france and take ellie with them, wade buys peter a ring with a perfect pearl set in it, it’s as good as a promise


	583. Chapter 583

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, magic au, fantasy au

medieval fantasy au where wade is the leader of the rebelling goblins and peter is a neutral wizard who joins wade’s rebellion and rains fire from the sky upon their enemies

wade is a ruthless commander, but he’s a skilled strategist and does what needs to be done, peter is one of their most powerful assets, but he’s often butting heads with wade because he always thinks there has to be another way that doesn’t involve sacrificing their own or slaughtering the enemy

they come to respect each other and continue to question the other’s morals, fearing they could die any day now, they don’t define their relationship, just exist together for as long as they have

in the end, peter sacrifices himself to end the war and save as many lives as he can, wade holds peter’s broken body and yells at him for being a fucking idiot as peter passes away with a smile on his face


	584. Chapter 584

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, polyship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where peter and wade are dating and peter meets wanda wilson and she's flirting with him and totally loving how shy peter gets around her despite being so brash around wade, and peter is flirting back, and one day wanda is like "but for real do you wanna go on a date" which throws peter off because yeah he kinda does, but he loves wade, and wade can see his confusion and chimes in like "you know you can if you wanna. i'm polyamorous.""

that’s fucking adorable

i stg peter will always forget about death at some point, so peter makes wade sit down with him for a serious chat where wade has to explain again about death because peter probably thought it was just another “wrong universe” ramble

and at first peter isn’t very comfortable with the idea, but he’s got wade telling him that he’s going to be there for him every step of the way, and that peter doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to

they call the first one a friend date bc peter’s really hesitant, and then they have real dates, and then a relationship

wade and wanda become besties and tag team annoying peter, sometimes they’ll compete to see who can make peter blush the most, loser does the dishes

wade and wanda both break into peter’s house instead of using the door and it drives him crazy, having two walls of muscle following him around really helps with peter’s social anxiety, because honestly who’s gonna fuck with two deadpools

wade and wanda once teased peter about how short he was so much that peter decided to be petty and stayed on the ceiling for a whole week, peter finally got down after gwen walked in on wade and wanda chasing peter around the house with brooms, trying to knock him down


	585. Chapter 585

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ballet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you do a head canon of like Peter being really flexible and I mean R E A L L Y F L E X I B L E. that could dirty ;) or like a battle scene where Spider-Man does hella gymnastics and everyone (avengers or just wade) is just in AWE."

lol like peter showing off his ballet skills in combat, twisting himself into a pretzel midair to avoid bullets coming in from three directions at once and landing on a bad guy’s face

and wade gets stabbed bc he’s paying more attention to spidey than the fight, and he just hollers at peter, can you do that in bed???


	586. Chapter 586

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, ww2 au, no powers au

wade is a canadian ww2 fighter pilot and peter is an american spy

they meet before peter goes undercover in frace, they’re both drinking like it’s the last night of their lives, because it very well could be, since peter’s drunk, he asked wade to send letters to his aunt while he’s in france, since he can’t have any contact once he’s undercover

wade doesn’t see peter again, but he keeps his promise and writes to may, it’s the best part of wade’s day when may’s letters come in the mail, he didn’t have anybody back home to write to, he and may become friends and wade holds onto all of her letters to peter just in case they see each other again

wade’s plane gets shot down, he barely survives the crash and drags his broken and bleeding body to friendly territory, where he’s found and rushed to the nearest hospital, wade survives, but his injuries mean he’s not fit to fight anymore and he’ll get sent home

he tells may and she tells him that he should visit her instead, so he ditches his flight home and goes to see may instead, he only has a few letters to peter that weren’t burned up in the crash, and he tells her he’s sorry he couldn’t save them, she tells him she’s just glad he’s alive

wade cries when he sees two blue stars hanging in may’s window, one for him and one for peter, she tells wade she’s happy she can take one of them down

wade helps may out around the house as he recovers, and she tells him stories about her nephew, how he’s the only family she’s got left, wade and may are lucky to have each other

may was up early the day the war ended, she threw the newspaper at wade to wake him up and they both started laughing and dancing when wade saw the headline

peter got home a few months later, limping in his uniform he hardly ever wore, he had almost forgotten about wade, he and may never made wade feel like an outsider in their home

and when may died, wade and peter stayed in that same house together for the rest of their lives


	587. Chapter 587

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade knows peter is a nerd, so he always brings his laptop to peter when he fucks it up too bad to work, peter is actually an engineering and chemistry nerd so he basically knows jack shit about computers

he’s been bringing wade’s laptop to best buy for years because he doesn’t have the heart to tell wade he doesn’t know what he’s doing, the geek squad guys all know peter as the porn laptop guy


	588. Chapter 588

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, royalty au, fantasy au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "a royal au, but with thief!peter (cause climbing ability, fast and lean and light feet) and king!wade
> 
> peter is poor and steals stuff to sell or food to try take care of his aunt, but he doesn’t steals on the land of his kingdom cause the chances of him loosing his head are high, since he always steals from noble rich people and try to help other families who also is in need like some kind of Robin Hood, so he always is fleeing from land to land before he gets caught or something
> 
> when he stumble upon a kingdom that looks like it’s abandoned, there’s no movement on the streets, he doesn’t see a living soul there and he never seen something like that before, so he’s torn between being intrigued and uneasy
> 
> most houses he try to take a peek inside seems to have been already robbed or cleaned out by the owners before they headed to god knows where, then he goes by the noblemans houses and find some stuff by exploring inside that might be valuable or simply because it got his interest
> 
> finally he tries the castle, there’s no guard inside and it looks almost as unlived as the rest of the city, when he heard voices, no a voice, but it seems to be talking to someone else but peter doesn’t hear a second voice
> 
> (wade was the only son of the queen and the king, his kingdom was very wealthy for a long time, but it was before his mother fell ill and died soon after and his dad got bitter and almost crazy after that. he became a ruthless and fearsome king, not even the counseling could prevent the king of taking and going with his harsh decisions, that was the start of the fall of the kingdom, later his father blamed all on his son and tried to kill him and killed himself, but wade survived only with horrible scars and in between of all this happenings people started fleeing the land because rumors said a cursing fell upon the kings, the king’s son would be as crazy and as ruthless as his father and soon it became a ghost kingdom)"

when peter first tries to talk to wade, wade writes him off as another hallucination, and peter’s not sure that wade is even human, he just shambles through empty stone halls muttering at nothing and dressed in fine fur robes that have gone ragged and yellowed with age, it’s like he sees right through peter

peter leave without taking anything, because if the place is haunted he’d like to stay on the spirits’ good side, but he keeps thinking about the man, he looked so real, like peter could touch him if he tried

so peter goes back, and this time he brings a dog, because dogs can’t see ghosts, so if the man is a ghost, the dog will walk right by, and peter can get the hell out and never come back

the dog is so friendly that she immediately jumps up on wade and starts licking his face, and it takes an agonizingly long time for him to react, but when he does he reaches out to pet the dog and starts laughing, it’s a rusted sound, like he wasn’t used to talking in more than a whisper

wade still wouldn’t acknowledge peter, so eventually peter left, he’d come back to the lonely castle every week, and eventually wade noticed a pattern, he was fairly certain the dog was real, and the dog never paid any mind to his hallucinations, which had to mean that the man who kept appearing with the dog, must also be real

he tries talking to peter the next time peter comes, peter tried to explain best he could about what he found, a ghost town with nothing but empty houses and crawling vines, and wade

wade leaves the castle for the first time since he was a child, the sun hurts his eyes, his legs are weak, and he’s holding onto peter and the dog for dear life

in time wade starts to look more and more like a person, people move back into the quiet village now that the castle is empty, and wade raises dogs with peter who cleared out the castle’s treasury with wade to donate to the poor, a quiet life suited him much better than a castle and a curse

although peter always keeps him on his feet, they have to keep moving since peter always gets sticky fingers whenever he sees someone that needs help, they wouldn’t have it any other way


	589. Chapter 589

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, murder, suicide, murder porn, gore, dysfunctional relationship, nsfw

Ask from anonymous, "peter always preaching about not killing people, always trying to keep his hands free of blood, but one time he accidentally kills a villain and he likes it. and he hates that he likes it, so he refuses to kill again and gets even more preachy about not killing bc he's hoping that if he says it enough then hopefully he'll forget how sensual it feel when he accidentally snapped that dude's neck. he's hoping it was a fluke, and years pass and he begins to think that yeah it was a fluke.

that maybe it was just the adrenaline and the anger that made killing feel so good, yeah he’s sure it would feel disgusting to ever do it again. not that he plans to find out. and one day years after he killed that guy, he meets wade. wade, the guy who talks about killing all the time. the guy who insists that sometimes it’s just necessary. “cmon spidey haven’t you ever met someone so vile that you just want them dead. and you know the world would be better if they were dead??” and peter

only scoffs, says that it isn’t his call on whether or not they should die. and he’s telling the truth, mostly, but really he thinks of that night, when he had been so furious that his hands just wrapped around that guys throat and kept squeezing until there was a distinct cracking noise. just the thought turns him on. so he tells DP that he has to go and swings off. he hates how sexual it felt, how it still feels. but he tells himself that it being purely sexual must mean that it’s just

his mind and body responding to prehistoric instincts deep in his head. that’s all it is, just stupid angry sexual impulses based on his fight or flight mode. and that thought calms him down. and that’s how his friendship with wade goes for the next two years. they bicker, they banter, they eat hotdogs, they kick ass, and occasionally wade talks about murder and sends peter into a short internal panic. but it changes one night. they’re in an alley, and peter is trying to talk wade out of

killing a fugitive that’s supposedly taking part in human experimentation. if it were any other crime wade might hear peter out, but not this crime. wade is angry, he’s GOING to find this guy and kill him. and peter is desperate, holding wade against an alley wall begging him to just calm down please calm down. wade shoves him and peter shoves back, wade kicks him in the groin HARD and something in peter just snaps. “don’t be what they made you, wade,” peter whispers, bringing his

hands up and ripping wade’s mask off. he doesn’t even flinch, that’s how angry he is. his blue eyes look black with how big his pupils have gotten, but some of the streetlight illuminates them enough so peter can hold eye contact. wade is livid and spits in peter’s face, but peter doesn’t waver and brings his hands up to wade’s throat and gradually squeezes with every ounce of his super strength. “hey look at me,” peter whispers. “look at me you need to calm down, babe,” and as he feels

the muscles in wade’s neck ripping under his thumbs, he pauses and looks into wade’s eyes. he needs wade’s permission. wade’s said that this is the best way for him to calm down, to reset and just think, but he hates doing it himself. they’ve discussed this before (well wade has while peter rolled his eyes) peter killing wade, so that wade could get the break of death without the depression of suicide. and peter always refused, said it was immoral. but really he was refusing

because he was afraid of killing again, of liking it. but having his hands around wade’s neck, he feels that heat wrapping around him in the best way. but more than the last time, he doesn’t feel stupidly and animalistic lust, but love. he wants to do this for wade, more than for himself. he needs wade to just calm down. so he pauses his grip. “do you need to relax, wade?” peter whispers, his grip just tight enough to make the veins in wade’s eyes burst. wade gurgles, and sighs, then

weakly nods as bloody tears bubble from his eyes. “please,” he rasps out, but peter needs more than that and wade knows it. “do it, please” and peter does. and this is what he needed. he needed to feel life being taken at his hands, but knowing it would come back, knowing it was what the victim wanted and needed. the temporary relief of death at the hands of a friend, not an empty gun. he leans against wade and leans his head on that large shoulder as he squeezes his hands tighter,

wade is gasping and kicking by instinct, so peter presses sharply and – CRACK. wade slumps against him. peter moans, but pushes that down. now isn’t the time to think about that. he picks wade up over his shoulder and goes back to his own apartment to lay wade down. it shouldn’t take long, peter had felt the neck snap cleanly. he pulls wade out of his clothing and takes a warm washcloth to wade’s most recent wounds and open scabs. he applies salve and bandages, then pulls wade into

some oversized pajamas. wade usually protests to this kind of stuff, so peter takes the opportunity to care for him while he has it. least he could do after enthusiastically killing the guy. just as peter is finished stirring some instant hot cocoa, he hears a firm snap, and wade bolts up gasping. peter quietly sits next to him on the small futon couch and rubs his hand over wade’s back until wade settles down, then hands wade some cocoa. wade sips on it and moans as the warm chocolate

runs down his brand new throat. he breathes in, then breathes out, then repeats that once more. and suddenly he turns to peter and smirks, then slumps against peter feeling more relaxed than he has in awhile. even the boxes seem… still. he nuzzles peter, feeling small still and cared for. “lucy you got some ‘splainin to do” and peter groans and bury’s his face into his hands"


	590. Chapter 590

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

sometimes when peter is bored, he’ll draw over the shapes he sees in wade’s scars, like flowers and faces and dragons and the occasional dick

wade actually loves it and tries not to scrub it off in the shower


	591. Chapter 591

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> team red

**Wade:** i never cry, try me

 **Peter:** u ugly

 **Matt:** you haven't showered in almost a month

 **Peter:** you're suicidal and immortal

 **Matt:** you'll never have full custody of your daughter

 **Wade:** [tearing up] you know what?


	592. Chapter 592

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

soulmate au where when you meet your soulmate both your chests glow just above your heart

peter and wade were in costume the first time they met and wade offered him an out, but peter didn’t take it, he also avoided wade for a while, he wasn’t sure he could trust wade with his identity, soulmates or not

so peter found wade and asked if they could take it slow, and so they do, it’s rocky with their differences, but in the end they fit together like two halves of a whole, they make each other better people


	593. Chapter 593

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool, dadpool

wade finding ellie when she was a baby and trying to take care of her on his own, but he’s hilariously unprepared to take care of an infant, for the first time in his life he’s gotta deep clean his house so there’s nothing on the floor ellie could find and choke on

he’s gotta pick up baby supplies and stop working so he can watch her 24/7, and it’s driving him nuts, he keeps worrying himself stupid over the many many ways babies can die


	594. Chapter 594

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death

when wade dies, he gets to wander the afterlife for as long as it takes his body to heal, so sometimes he runs into lost spirits just outside the gate

normally these spirits have a glassy look in their eyes and wont respond to anything, they’re little more than a memory, which is why wade stops dead in his tracks when one calls out to him

he doesn’t remember his own name or what he’s doing, just that he can’t pass over until something happens, and he can’t even remember what that was

wade sees him again the next time he dies, he remembers wade, and they talk some more, death tells wade not to get involved, that he’s just going to fade away like the others

and she’s right, he’s not there the next time wade visits

but he is there when wade wakes up, and his name is peter parker and he doesn’t remember wade or the afterlife


	595. Chapter 595

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "an au where wade and wanda are twins.when he introduces her to peter, wanda is immediately attracted. she however, has her own way of displaying her feelings."

her first thought upon meeting peter is oh no he’s hot, her second thought is maybe i should kill him to make it stop

she’s super competitive and keeps turning all her efforts at flirting into insults and literally just fight me behind the denny’s, wade knows exactly what’s going on and he thinks it’s hilarious

peter just wants to spend a normal day with wanda and wade where he doesn’t have to get roped into a parkour contest or an argument about which season of golden girls was better

and then one day peter and wade go to pick up wanda from her judo class, and peter watches her wrestle down a guy twice her size, and he thinks she could kill me with one hand, peter also thinks that’s hot

when peter tries to ask wanda out while she’s working out, she punches him by accident, wade got the whole thing on his phone


	596. Chapter 596

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> team red, identity porn, roomates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [maretia](http://maretia.tumblr.com/), "More Team Red stuff? Absolutely love your blog btw"

matt, wade, and peter all end up sharing an apartment, none of them knows about the others’ double lives, except matt

so they’re all just trying and failing to act like normal people around each other, but none of them know what a normal person is supposed to do

matt thinks it’s hilarious and has an ongoing bet with foggy about who’s going to crack first

the windows get used more than the front door, and they have all run into each other at some point on the roof, where they all have to make bad excuses to circle back around to get home unseen


	597. Chapter 597

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ballet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "my favorite stupid trope is when wade finds out that peter is spiderman bc of dat ass 😏👌"

ok but like wade seeing peter around new york like in the window of a ballet studio or at a gymnastics performance, where he’s already in skintight pants

and peter vehemently denying it because there’s no way wade could recognize his ass, right

and wade being dead set on it, and peter having to go out of his way to try and throw off wade for weeks before he just gives in because wade hounding him is even more suspicious than usual


	598. Chapter 598

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

when peter gets the stark internship he actually reads the contract himself and there’s a section under reasons to revoke the scholarship that just says become an evil scientist, and it’s apparently happened before since the section is so detailed


	599. Chapter 599

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter being that idiot that doesn’t google his date bc he’s an idiot, and his date is wade wilson, and wade is surprised that peter is so chill around him, like he’s p famous for being deadpool

and after they start going out peter keeps getting kidnapped by bad guys looking to get back at wade, and every goddamn time peter is just like who tf is deadpool, i got shit to do, and he escapes using his powers

like it takes a _while_ for him to realize he’s dating a merc


	600. Chapter 600

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, ballet au

peter being ellie’s ballet teacher, peter not believing ellie when she says wade is her dad because she always walks home and peter never sees wade, so peter says cool i know spiderman, because she’s a kid and she thinks that’s super cool and goes on and on all the time about how her dad and spiderman are friends and peter thinks it’s adorable

when ellie comes in one day all mad and refuses to do warm ups, peter asks her what’s wrong and ellie tells him that some kids at school were making fun of her because she does ballet and she doesn’t want to turn into a girly girl

so peter tells her that she goes to school with assholes, but with nicer language, and he tells her that he’s gonna let her in on a little secret, that spiderman does ballet, and she’s skeptical, so peter decides to prove it to her

and after class he shows ellie videos of spiderman ballet leaping over buildings and kicking a guy in midair and landing en pointe, ellie comes away inspired, but not the kind peter had hoped

wade shows up the next day asking why his daughter started beating people up at school because “i have to use my ballerina powers for good”


	601. Chapter 601

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au

peter and wade meet in college and become fast friends, peter agrees to a green card marriage to keep wade in the states and they get a flat together and buy a pair of cheap rings to keep up appearances, except everyone is really chill about the whole thing and peter and wade keep wondering why because they were never dating and not too many people know why they got married

and when it’s time to get divorced, they both realize they don’t want to, but think the other does, they’re both broken up about the divorce even though they still live together and do everything the same as before

basically they’re both pining idiots and it takes them both pouring their souls out to may over the phone for someone to do something about it


	602. Chapter 602

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, artist au

wade was a gnarled ship captain who fell in love with the sea as a boy, now he’s the salty fuck that lives in a small town lighthouse

peter is new in town, he’s an artist who’s come to live with his aunt and take care of her after she had a tumor removed

wade’s kinda ticked off when peter shows up one morning to ask if it’s alright if he paints by the lighthouse, but he was polite enough to ask so wade says ok

wade is also a chatter box and can’t leave peter alone for five minutes before he’s regaling peter with tales of life at sea, wade’s always happy to have new people to bother, peter’s aunt tells him if he keeps going to the lighthouse so much wade’s going to run out of stories to tell

wade starts getting interested in peter’s art, peter tells him that he’s never been able to paint water right, it just never feels right, so wade tells peter that he should go out to sea, feel what it’s really like to face something bigger than yourself

so wade and peter borrow a little boat from somebody in town and set off when the sun starts to rise early one morning, peter says it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, wade accidentally says yeah you are, and peter kisses him


	603. Chapter 603

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, office au

wade tries his hand at being a private investigator, except people keep showing up at his office asking for a hit, nobody seems to believe he’s going straight, minus a few kneecaps

peter is super suspicious and applies at wade’s office to be his secretary/assistant so he can keep an eye on wade

wade thinks he got damn lucky that anybody actually applied, and then peter actually knew what he was doing, which was also a plus, and he’s hot so now the office has some real eye candy

peter is frustrated at how hilariously inept wade is at running his own business, if wade hadn’t been so sincere, he’d think it was a front, so peter decided to do a lot more than he was getting paid for and taught wade how to fill out the forms, set up an invoice, and actually advertise for once

wade ends up dragging peter around town on his jobs mostly because it gets boring on his own but also because peter used to be a freelance photographer and is way better than wade at getting good pictures

it ends up being only slightly less stressful than peter’s time at the daily bugle and the best job he’s ever had, he once got a bonus for “being perfect”, he’s still not sure what that means


	604. Chapter 604

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn

when spiderman is still kinda new, only been at this a few years, fresh outta high school, somebody dumps a bundle in his arms and tells him they can’t take care of a mutant

inside is a little baby girl looking at him with wide eyes, the blanket had the name eleanor stitched in crooked letters on the side, so that’s what he named her

peter didn’t feel right about leaving her at the nearest orphanage, the person had said she was a mutant, peter took her home and made up something about a one night stand in high school

aunt may wasn’t happy with him, but she stuck by peter and his decision to raise the girl, he had to drop out of college to pay for all the baby crap he had to buy, and aunt may took care of ellie during the day when peter was at work, there was a lot less time for spiderman now

wade finds out he has a daughter a few years down the road, he hunts her down and just spends time watching her, too afraid to talk to her

she’s a cute kid, running her adopted family ragged and singing the alphabet at the top of her lungs when she’s bored

peter’s getting nervous, wade’s been hanging out around his house a lot, doing surveillance maybe, if wade finally found out about spiderman then he had even more problems to deal with

so peter decided to take matters into his own hands, grabbed a bat, and marched over to the tree wade was sitting in and told wade to get lost before he decided to shove his bat up wade’s ass

peter isn’t much happier when wade explains himself, he’d like to keep that part of his life out of ellie’s for as long as he can

peter thinks about it for a long time, it’s not an easy decision and he talks it over with may, but they decide to let wade visit ellie, peter introduces him as his friend wade

wade almost cries when ellie hides behind may instead, it takes time and peter gives wade a list of things he’s gotta work on if he wants to keep seeing ellie, it’s probably blackmail, but peter is honestly scared that ellie will grow up to the realization that her real dad is a murderer, he’s come to see wade differently, but ellie is just a kid


	605. Chapter 605

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Aaaaaahhhh could you maybe write a bit more of that peter adopts ellie au? If you feel like it?"

wade becomes a pretty involved dad and moved into an apartment down the street, ellie still thinks he’s pretty cool, peter’s mad at him for spoiling ellie, she’s a little bit of a brat now because she knows she can get anything she wants if she wheedles it out of wade

the endless cycle of go ask your father

wade takes ellie down to the shooting range to teach her how to shoot the pink bb gun he got her for her birthday, peter doesn’t talk to him for a week he’s so angry

ellie spends weekends at wade’s house now and she’s got her own room, the place is spotless since peter comes by every week to make sure there’s no weapons, blood, or bugs

ellie’s the one to find out peter is spiderman, she gets bored playing hide and seek and digs through peter’s closet where she finds the secret panel peter keeps his suit in, except she doesn’t think peter is spiderman because he’s her dorky ass dad who sleeps all weekend and thinks a microscope is a cool gift to give a six year old, she broke it on day one of course

so she takes what she knows to wade, because his favorite super hero is spiderman, and peter said that wade used to be in special ops, so he’s got to be good at spy stuff

wade puts two and two together immediately, and he’s caught between being fucking pissed, and a little happy that his kid is gonna grow up to be somebody amazing if spiderman’s the one raising her

so later when ellie’s asleep, wade calls peter to talk and they meet out in the backyard and peter’s got a completely different idea about what wade’s going to ask and kisses him before he can say anything

wade’s so caught up in it he forgot to tell peter he knew about spiderman, he decides to just let peter tell him when he wants to, but when he finds peter swinging around new york he still keeps a close eye on him in case he needs any help


	606. Chapter 606

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown for a part 3, "Can you continue the Peter adopts Ellie AU?"

eventually wade just forgets and lets the secret slip to peter, he says something dumb like using peter’s name when they’re in a teamup, peter gets over it after he spends some time stressing and swears wade to secrecy, peter figures there’s no reason for wade to live right next to them when he’s practically always at the house and wade moves in, ellie just starts calling them both her dads and nobody corrects her

so peter and wade kinda drive ellie crazy when she gets a little older and realizes that her dads are massive dorks, like the lamest people in the world, peter keeps getting her science kits for her birthday and wade gets upset when ellie stops dressing up as a princess with him for halloween

like she loves them both, but she started asking may to pick her up from school instead, at least may doesn’t threaten her classmates or wear number one daughter t-shirts with her face plastered on them

that’s actually why it takes her so many years to figure out her dads are both superheros, like she had so many clues, so so many, but she kept brushing them all aside because they’re her dads, she’s watched wade faint because she broke her leg and peter had to drive her to the hospital instead, and peter has a habit of running into things because he never looks where he’s going, super heroes are supposed to be cool, not… her dads

actually it’s wade and peter that sit her down and tell her, because she gets her powers early, as if that weren’t weird and confusing enough, and then she’s got that news to throw on top of the pile

wade tells her to remember when she found the spiderman mask in peter’s closet, and it all falls into place, peter says they’re going to give her time, she just thought they were going to tell her she’s adopted

ellie warms up to the idea and decides she’s going to be their sidekick until she can be a hero too, peter and wade shoot her down immediately, she messily stitches a spiderman mask to one of her hoodies and throws on one of wade’s utility belts and her favorite sneakers and says fuck that

peter flips the fuck out when she disappears, wade isn’t any better, he’s trying to calm peter down, but he’s disassembling and reassembling guns at the same time because that’s how he calms down, but that makes peter not calm down and they’re a complete mess and may has to be the one to tell them to get looking while she calls the police

so they run outside before peter remembers wait we have fucking powers why are we walking, they find her punching a guy with a knife in the balls, peter immediately webs her up and hoists her over his shoulder while panic scolding her, wade finishes what ellie started with the knife guy and calls an ambulance when he’s done

ellie gets grounded and peter and wade have an argument over what they should do, surprisingly wade is for letting her fight because he wants her to be able to defend herself when she needs to, and peter says hell no we are not letting her into that part of our lives, in the end they come to an agreement

honestly ellie should have been suspicious when peter and wade were so lenient, they told her that they were upset, but they’re ungrounding her and if she’s really set on this then she needs to learn how to fight first, the poor thing was so excited when she found out the black widow was going to train her, peter wouldn’t let her bail after day one when her legs already felt like jelly and every inch of her body was in pain, then she realized this was the real punishment


	607. Chapter 607

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade are fighting side by side and when peter runs out of web fluid, he grabs a gun off wade’s belt and wade has this transcendent moment of i’m going to watch spiderman shoot my gun at a real live bad guy

but peter just fucking throws it at a bad guy’s face and knocks him out cold


	608. Chapter 608

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, photographer au

peter is a wildlife photographer and for the first time he’s going to be taking pictures of sharks

his diving instructor is wade, resident shark enthusiast and man of no fear

peter’s a little freaked out by the prospect of sitting right in the middle of a feeding frenzy, but seeing wade jump right in and start petting a shark makes it a hell of a lot easier, wade’s got some amazing stories and peter finds himself disappointed when he had to get back on the boat


	609. Chapter 609

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade is wearing a very good disguise in the form of a personal holo device, and running for his life from some guys he just cheated out of fifty grand, and his normal getaway is on the fritz

he runs straight into peter parker, who just spilled coffee over them both, when peter tries to apologize wade grabs him and goes for a kiss while his pursuers pass them by

peter doesn’t react fast enough to do anything, and wade leaves him standing there, a bit dazed, with a thanks

peter can’t get the guy out of his head and honestly if he saw the guy again he’d probably try to get his number

much much later when peter and wade decide to go stealth, wade pulls out his holo device and switches to the exact disguise he used to kiss peter


	610. Chapter 610

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Can you continue the holo-disguise story? What happens after Peter realizes it was Wade wearing a disguise?"

peter keeps his cool because damnit he’s trying to be professional

it keeps bouncing around in his head, and he doesn’t really know what to do with it because finding out the guy was wade changes everything, or does it

he likes being around wade, he’s not exactly the worlds best person, but he’s friends with the avengers and most of them have a pretty high kill count on their records, it takes a lot of 3am sleep deprived talks with himself to muddle through it all, and in the end he decides to go for it

except he does it as peter, hunts wade down and says hey asshole remember me, which surprisingly wade does, but before wade can make any excuses, peter gives him his number and says he’d better call, and then disappears before he turns any redder


	611. Chapter 611

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

wade is the worst person to take along on stealth missions because his idea of stealth is lots of explosives and no survivors, because technically you can’t be found out if everybody is dead


	612. Chapter 612

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au

peter and wade meet while peter’s out walking his aunt’s dog and it’s totally a spur of the moment thing, but he asks wade out

they start dating and have a pretty great relationship and peter keeps talking about wade constantly

and then wade disappears, no note, nothing left behind, just gone

peter’s at the police station every day worrying himself sick

one night when he’s heading home, a man in a trench coat tells him to drop it, says that if peter keeps this up he may end up disappearing too

peter doesn’t actually have a lot of common sense, so he starts going down to the sketchier places where he just hides in the corner and listens, and one night it pays off, he finds somebody that knows wade


	613. Chapter 613

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "you just just end the wade disappearing au like that i need more"

peter has to clear out his bank account just to get people to talk, it isn’t easy but eventually somebody tells him that if wade was in town, it’d have to be for a high profile event, somewhere only people with enough money can get in

so peter takes a chance on the stark industries gala that’s welcoming ambassadors from around the world

sneaking into the tower on it’s own is difficult, but on a night like this, it’s swarming with security drones, but if there’s one thing peter has, it’s his tech skills and the inability to know when to quit

he rents an ill fitting tux and whips up a small pulse generator and sneaks into the tower, he tries to stay away from the other guests, he can’t even speak most of the languages

and lo and behold, wade’s the one to run into him, he grabs peter and yanks him down a hallways and tells him to get the fuck out of here before things get bad, and peter is fucking livid bc wade is the one that disappeared, and he has the fucking gall to be mad at peter for trying to find him

wade didn’t see the punch coming, which is probably the only reason it lands, wade knocks out peter and peter wakes up later that night in his own bed

the papers say there was a gas leak and one ambassador was caught up in the explosion and fatally wounded, but peter knows that’s not what happened, and he’ll keep hunting down wade until he gets an apology and a damn explanation


	614. Chapter 614

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade always jokes and complains abt his face and would say things like "an angel faced do-gooder like u would never understand, spidey" and it grinds down on petes nerves until one night he cant take it anymore and hes like "you think your face is bad? Well take a look at mine!" And pete rips his mask off and reveals that he has a spider face and wade goes dead silent. Peter is on the verge of tears. ~spider anon"

peter shoves his mask back on and jumps off the building they’re on top of, and wade grabs his wrist and ends up throwing them both into a brick wall

they get untangled and peter is torn between running again and yelling at wade because it feels like he rebroke part of his jaw, except wade pulls off his own mask first and apologizes

they have a hug and a moment and wade ruins it by trying to pet peter’s fluffy head, peter takes off his mask a lot more around wade after that


	615. Chapter 615

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "hey it's the murder anon (awkward title to be associated with but w/e), this isn't a long AU or anything but imagine pete and wade dating and one night they're on patrol and peter keeps fidgeting and after awhile wade is like "tf is wrong with you???" and peter is like "i've had a vibrating dildo in me. it's lodged against my prostate." and wade is a lil turned on but mostly concerned like "we've been fighting crime for HOURS. DOES IT HAVE A FLARED BASE?? IS IT TOO BIG?? but have you cum tho 👀""

peter was just spending a nice night alone at home when an explosion got him out of bed and into his costume before he remembered to take out the butt plug, and then he ran into wade before he could get home and got roped into a patrol

so when wade asked what was wrong peter was just bitter and tired enough to tell the truth, which is how they ended up getting caught in an alley and peter accidentally left his butt plug behind in the panic


	616. Chapter 616

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, the voice au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "The Voice AU, where Peter is a judge and Wade goes on the show for the blind auditions. Wade's all bundled up in baggy clothes, gloves, sunglasses, a hat and a big scarf, so no one will see all his scars. When he sings, Peter is the first to slam the button and turn around, and he never once pressures Wade to show his scars, but working with him helps to boost Wades self-esteem so much, that when he gets to the finals, hes confident enough to at least show his face."

wade’s been a longtime fan of peter’s work, partly because peter’s been an openly queer artist since the beginning, so peter’s music has been a huge inspiration in wade’s life

wade actually sings one of peter’s songs, which is usually a bad idea unless you can fucking nail it, and he did, he put his own twist on it, something mournful and gut wrenching with his gravely voice, and as soon as the opening notes hit, peter was already bouncing in his chair in excitement

of course he picks peter, and peter helps wade work around his scars, they do full body suits and masks, heavy makeup, whatever makes wade feel more comfortable in his own skin, it’s the first time wade’s ever felt comfortable enough to think about how he can move on stage

when he gets to the finals he surprises everybody by walking out with no costume, no bulky clothing, just him in regular clothes, and he sings another one of peter’s songs, peter’s in tears by the end of it and wade wins


	617. Chapter 617

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ballet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [anierovengeance](https://anierovengeance.tumblr.com/), "Ballerina peter flitting through the battlefield like its a stage...Wade gets maimed and still can't look away. (Obsessed with everything you post 💚 you are so talented)"

so wade’s been a longtime fan of spidey, he’s seen all the youtube shaky videos and he’s got the knockoff merch

but meeting the guy? totally different experience, wade eventually bugged him into giving an autograph before they got caught up in a fight, he kept getting mad at wade for trying to out one liner him

and then they’re fighting back to back and this is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to wade, and peter grabs onto wade’s shoulders and used him to launch himself over all the badguys’ heads and web most of them down in a huge net, he practically swan dives after that spin and lands in a super hero pose

wade forgot he was fighting a guy with a knife and realized too late that the knife was buried in his ribs, not a great feeling, so he cut of the guy’s hand and yanked out the knife

that got him a lecture from spiderman and a worried peter trying to keep him from bleeding out, again, best day ever


	618. Chapter 618

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "that fake-boyfriends-turn-real-boyfriends trope everyone loves
> 
> no powers au, with jock!wade and nerd!peter (wow much difference such change)
> 
> years after highschool ended, successful football player wade looses everything in a car crash that left him scared and with a permanent injury in his shoulder, after this crash he realizes most of the people in his life is shallow and drifted off after he lost his looks and half of his fame (maybe he got richer with the lawsuit against de drunk driver, but he ain’t telling that nobody after this)
> 
> the nurse looking for him at the hospital is yours truly peter parker, the scrawny nerd that maybe or maybe not he verbally bullied sometimes during highschool and wow was he this pretty in highschool
> 
> and ofc peter remembers wade, but he tried to not hold any grudge against him cause u know insecure teenagers acting like jerks to try to fit in cause of social pressure yada yada people change etc
> 
> and wade did change, he matured… just a little. he was still obnoxious and loud and made crude jokes and comments but at least he apologized for being an asshole to peter back then
> 
> so wade goes back home and soon he receives an invitation for highschool reunion and doesn’t want to show up alone and like that crash ruined his entire life so he has the brilliant idea to ask peter to be his plus one
> 
> and so shenanigans happen"

peter actually isn’t that into it at first, he was just going to stay home since high school wasn’t exactly the greatest and he still kept in contact with the only three people from high school he actually liked

but wade talks him into it, convinces peter it would be fun to show up and blow them all away, rub it into all his high school bullies’ faces, and he’d be doing wade a huge favor, and wade will take care of everything

so peter gave in and got whisked around town for a suit fitting, to pick up shoes and get a new hair cut and a manicure, he put his foot down at getting his eyebrows threaded

by the time wade’s done with him peter has to admit, he looks fucking hot, and wade is totally speechless, they burst into the reunion wearing matching designer suits and peter plays his part perfectly, wade’s just making shit up as they go

so far he’s told people that he’s got a private yacht in the caribbean and he and peter will be flying out there for dinner later tonight, they’re the envy of everybody there and peter got the satisfaction of looking flash dead in the eyes and saying, “sorry who were you again?”

wade and peter end up getting a little tipsy and really do go the caribbean because in wade’s words, what’s the point of having a shit ton of money if you don’t do anything with it

just for shits and giggles they pretend to be a couple and go boat shopping, wade and peter are driving the poor salesman crazy between wade’s demand for something bigger and peter’s rambling about their imaginary neighbor’s yacht

they give up and leave when they can’t stop themselves from laughing, they do get that dinner by the beach at like 2am finally, and peter says this is probably the best fake date he’s ever been on, and wade says you know what would make this perfect? and he leans over the table and puts his hand in his entree when he kisses peter


	619. Chapter 619

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

Ask from anonymous, "siren/mermaid peter who truthfully has murderous urges and tendencies just like his fellow sirens, but he tries to resist them bc what have humans ever done to wrong him? nah he just likes to leisurely swim around, lounge on the beach and lazily bask in the sun. but one day a pirate washes up onto peter's shore. he's unconscious and peter thinks he must be dead. and peter kinda wants to eat him because hey free food and no hunting, but peter isn't sure, so he decides that if the human

doesn’t move or show signs of life for 6 hours then peter will prepare the corpse for a meal. unfortunately only an hour after peter decides this, the human groggily wakes up to see peter laying on his stomach next to him. peter’s hair is dry now and curly, his glittering blue tail is shimmering and lazily rolling around in the sand. and the human thinks he may be in heaven. peter looks at him and groans, he was kind of hoping to eat him. now he’s going to have to go spear some fish and

collect kelp, but he’ll get over it. the human tries to speak to him, but peter can’t understand him. peter tries to speak back, but to the human it just sounds like an oddly soothing vibration coming from the merman’s chest. it nearly pulls wade into a trance, the only reason it doesn’t is because the mermaid isn’t really trying to lure him. that’s how wade realizes the merman is also a siren. any other human would be terrified, sirens are rare and dangerous creatures. but this human  
can’t die, he’s been cursed with immortality, so why not allow himself to be in awe of these deadly creatures. peter becomes frustrated with the human, it’s just laying there staring at him. peter is hungry, and frankly this human smells…. good. he can smell its blood. out of frustration, hunger, and boredom peter grunts and rolls closer to it and abruptly rips off its finger. the human screams and swears at him, but peter pays it no mind and chew on the finger and begins to roll back

to the sea. before he dips his head underwater though he turns to the human and lets out a small vibration. he tries to fill it with safety, with calmness. he needs the human to know that he isn’t going to eat it, he just needed some food from it to nourish him before he hunted fish. he tries to convey that reassuring feeling through his siren’s call, and thankfully the human stops shouting at him and… relaxes. it’s still clutching it’s bleeding hand, but it is quiet now

later peter returns to the shore, half expecting the human to have wandered off. but it’s still laying on the shore. it’s stripped out of its wet rags and appears to have laid them out to dry. it tries to cover itself, which surprises peter. the scars it sports are quite impressive, a sign of surviving a great battle, yet it looks… ashamed. peter growls, the vibrations in his chest once again lulling the human into a relaxed state until it stops trying to hide itself. peter

[missing]

fish wrapped in seaweed at the human and promptly begins biting into his own fish. the human tries to speak to him, but peter doesn’t understand and only continues to messily bite into the raw fish. the human crawls to him and waves a hand in front of his face, the hand peter attacked earlier. and that’s when peter notices, the finger has grown back. stunned, he stares at the humans hand and then at the humans face. the human seems to recognize peter’s awe and only smirks. he offers his

hand to peter, and peter realizes the human is offering more flesh for peter to eat. but peter shakes his head and growls. he doesn’t want to make a habit of feeding from his new pet, even if his pet somehow grows back. he only took the finger earlier because he was so hungry, he needed sustenance so he could hunt for himself and his pet. he gently places his hand onto his human’s, and lowers the hand. he pointedly bites into the fish, never breaking eye contact with his human. the human

nods and then leans away from peter, and bites into his own fish. he shudders at the slimy texture, but he doesn’t want to insult this beautiful creature that seems to wanna take care of him. after choking down more of the fish, he glances at the siren and gently taps his shoulder. once he’s gotten the siren’s attention he points at himself and slowly says “way-duh” but the siren only gawks at him. but the human is patient. “way-duh” the human repeats, placing his hands onto his

own chest. the siren looks at his chest and then at his face. “way…” the siren says. peter’s voice is gnarled from minimal use, although he isn’t ashamed or embarrassed by this. he communicates with his kind and with his chest, rarely with his throat and mouth. he places a hand on his human’s chest. “way” and his human, his way, beams at him. so his pet has a name. peter smiles. he isn’t sure how his name would sound to way, so he only lets a soothing vibration roll from his chest.

peter eats several more fish, and soon night begins to fall. way yawns and shivers, and peter thinks of what to do. he doesn’t think his new pet can go underwater with him, even if he could grow back his lungs. peter looks around and sees trees towards the top of the island and points to them insistently, and way laughs and nods. then stands shakily. peter shoves the leftover fish towards his pet, and pulls himself up the beach to gather his pet’s dry rags. way stands above him, but

peter doesn’t feel small. peter let’s a sharp vibration roll from his chest and pierce into the human’s mind painfully to get his human’s attention. peter gestures to the ground and slowly and carefully draws an “X” into the sand with his clawed finger. he stares at the human until he feels as if it understands him, understands that this is where it can find peter again. way reaches out a hand towards peter, the hand that regenerated a finger. he’s offering peter a finger for his

journey home. peter reaches out and only strokes the hand, shaking his head. he hopes his human will understand soon that peter doesn’t intend to feed from it often. peter tries to think of how to convey that better. he pulls the hand into his mouth and lets his sharp teeth rest on the surface of way’s skin, but he doesn’t bite. he stays like this until he sees a spark of recognition in his human’s eyes. that will have to do. peter points to the “X” again before crawling back to the sea

he looks at his human one more time, his pet waves at him and begins walking towards the trees on the island, and peter goes into the inky black water of the ocean. as he swims back to his nest, he thinks about his new pet. he always wanted a pet, and he thinks he’ll really like this one. he decides that he’ll come back the next day and try to groom him. he’ll make sure to eat well before he visits, so that he doesn’t get hungry."

* * *

i only got one thing to add

peter’s got problems with gravity since when he lets go of things they usually just, float, so when he’s on land with wade he keeps randomly dropping things and then gets confused when they wind up in the sand


	620. Chapter 620

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter’s got a huge midterm paper to get done so he drags wade to the library so he can hold the books, now wade forgets how much of a nerd peter is and thinks this will be like a library date, he is sorely mistaken

peter keeps getting distracted by book titles and wade’s carrying too many books to try anything, it’s still fun listening to peter ramble about the marine biologist phase he went through in middle school, wade learns about twelve different whales he didn’t know existed and the cultural significance of narwhal horns in europe before narwhals became common knowledge

they spend three hours looking around and neither of them notice because they’re both too distracted


	621. Chapter 621

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

wade would be the king of dad jokes

peter would ask ellie to kindly tell her dad to shut up

ellie would yell back he’s your boyfriend


	622. Chapter 622

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

whenever peter gets sick, wade ends up calling may because she’s the only one that can tell peter to sit his ass back in bed instead of going to work and saving new york

she lives nearby so while wade watches peter, may will bring over ingredients because wade and peter are savages and mostly have takeout in their fridge, and she’ll make peter some homemade soup

wade will accidentally rub it in that he can’t get sick, and more often than not end up in that stupid sexy nurse costume he bought for halloween four years ago


	623. Chapter 623

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

peter calls an ambulance when aunt may collapses, may isn’t doing good after her heart gave out, and she’s not going to survive much longer unless they can find a donor, unfortunately she’s pretty low on the list

peter doesn’t know what to do, so he puts on the suit and tries to do some good, like that will help somehow

he runs into wade who notices peter isn’t his usual talkative self, in fact when wade goes in for a hug, peter just collapses against him

it’s the first time peter’s talked about his secret identity, let wade know he has family, and wade takes that to heart, pun intended

the next day aunt may goes into surgery, miraculously there was a donor, and wade takes a break while his body grows a new heart


	624. Chapter 624

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/) for a part 2, "Can you please continue the heart surgery!!! I want to know how Peter reacts!! OMG! I want more!"

it’s actually may that spills the beans, she shut up as soon as she realized peter hadn’t known, said that wade should be the one to tell him

so peter goes and finds wade, well he actually tracks down wade’s apartment and walks right up to the door sans costume and even when wade flings the door open and shoves a gun in peter’s face, peter just pushes it aside and wraps wade up in a giant hug, which throws off wade until peter starts crying and thanking him for saving his aunt

wade’s not really used to being ya know, the hero, so it’s weird when peter just keeps coming back, he gets invited to aunt may’s for dinner every weekend and for holidays now, and sometimes peter calls him just to… hang out?

it takes wade a while to realize there is no joke, peter and may just absorbed him into their little family and that’s that, it’s the happiest he’s been in a long time


	625. Chapter 625

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, bakery au

peter gets a part time job at the bakery right next to campus, it’s mostly so he can get the employee discount because he’s got to walk by the place every morning and it smells so amazing that he always ends up getting something, always

his boss is kind of an oddball, wade looks like he’d beat you to a pulp if you so much as looked at him wrong, but he brings his daughter to work with him and sings along to cheesy pop songs and wears terrible aprons with dumb puns on them

he also made ellie a little name tag that says assistant manager, so peter has to humor her whenever she wants to play boss, wade’s always telling her to go easy on peter, but she rules with an iron fist, but luckily she can be bribed

peter ends up working at the same place for the last three years of college, when he’s a stressed senior just barely keeping his head above the water while he tries to get his fucking graduation project done after spending an extra year on it

wade and ellie go to his graduation and they bring megaphones and party poppers, they almost get kicked out of the ceremony and peter almost forgets to walk he’s laughing so hard

peter keeps working at the bakery for another year until he picks up a job at stark towers, but even then he still goes out of his way to see wade and ellie

ellie’s the one that tells her dad to stop making goo goo eyes at him and just ask him out already, he’s going to say yes

he said yes


	626. Chapter 626

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [sketchedskytaco](https://sketchedskytaco.tumblr.com/), "What if there was an au where peter was a demigod child of Athena, while Wade was a demigid child of Ares, maybe. But, Peter got bitten by Athena's enemy Arachne thus giving him his spider powers. While Wade was cursed, by maybe a god, to relive death until he could somehow break the curse."

peter just wound up in the wrong place at the wrong time with too inquisitive of a mind, he’s lucky he only came away more spider than human

wade got in bed with the wrong dryad and incurred zeus’ wrath, now death will always return wade so that he can suffer death and rebirth again and again until the end of time

they meet on the road, doing favors for gods to gain favor, just trying to undo what was done, and they stick together since they have a better chance of coming back alive that way

eventually they get sick and tired of the gods being massive dicks and not going through with any of their promises, wade is tired of dying and peter is tired of almost dying

so they try something a little different, they bypass the usual suspects and go to apollo who promises to help in exchange for a favor, which makes wade and peter both roll their eyes, but they agree

wade takes a message to the underworld where he knowingly goes without a way back, hades shrugs and keeps him there while peter goes back to apollo who says that didn’t count since wade was the only one that delivered his message

so peter grits his mandibles and asks what he can do instead, apollo gives him a new body and in exchange peter becomes the new oracle

it’s centuries before peter and wade drift together again, united on persephone’s whim, she takes their souls to her mother, and they’re reborn again as tree nymphs, side by side they grow for as long as they live


	627. Chapter 627

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, criminal au

peter is a socially awkward genius and wanted hacker in twelve countries

wade is a jack of all trades, ex special ops thief wanted in 28 countries

they ran into each other in the louve late one night when they were both cocky assholes trying to prove themselves by stealing the mona lisa

they ended up getting into a fight and nearly getting the both of them caught, they only just made it out, sans painting, when they started working together

ever since then, they’ve been working side by side as a criminal team for hire, it costs a shit ton to hire them, but they’ve got a perfect track record


	628. Chapter 628

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, drugs

peter, ever the problem solver, gets bonded to venom so they can’t hurt or use anybody else, and he deals with it by becoming a stoner, venom gets incredibly frustrated that’s peter’s stoned out of his mind most of the time and just cannot give a single fuck about what venom wants

it’s basically impossible to get peter to do anything when he’s stoned except consume absolutely ridiculous amounts of taco bell and raw ground beef, every time they try to get peter to hunt it’s like arguing with a five year old, venom once spent five hours trying to get peter to eat a dog, and peter just kept refusing because “i need to pet it”


	629. Chapter 629

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spiderman, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Can you do like more info on the Peter being venom but being stoned. Like something funny with the avengers catching him stoned or something."

peter’s reflexes are not the best, but lucky for him when he lets venom step in for a bit, venom can actually react normally, which means that peter mostly sounds high without acting high when he’s fighting

there is the occasional bout of confusion, like where he asks the villain to explain their plan just one more time please bc he totally zoned out again halfway through, and then sometimes he gets distracted in the middle of a fight, like when he has to fight some sort of mutant animal he’ll get distracted by how soft they are bc super senses makes petting animals feel fucking amazing when he’s high

the avengers mostly just think that he doesn’t take anything too seriously, sure it’s weird when peter completely switches directions in the middle of a ramble or forgets instructions they gave him three seconds ago, but they mostly just think it’s a spiderman thing

then again sometimes he forgets that he’s wearing the suit when he goes to find his dealer, it’s all good since he pays in cash anyways


	630. Chapter 630

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade get the stark equivalent of the amazon echo for their house and wade starts programing it to play different pokemon songs depending on where they are in the house

he also ripped a fanmade spiderman theme song from youtube and set it to play when peter comes home, wade of course sets the deadpool rap for his entrance music

peter and wade keep messing with each other’s music so one week it’ll be all star wars themed and then classic disney or something

wade’s about ready to take the thing out back and smash it to pieces ever since peter set it to wake them up at night when there’s anything big on the police scanner


	631. Chapter 631

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, android au

Ask from anonymous, "peter parker being the first scientist to create AI robots that fully blend in with human beings and surpass the "all robots are evil and wanna kill humans stereotype" but one day there's a fire in his lab and his latest AI is severely damaged. but he had put so much work into this AI that he named wade, he didn't want to just let that go to waste. especially since wade has already been developing emotions and thoughts, it seemed cruel to just scrap him like junk. the exoskeleton was

burned beyond repair, and the skin that has seemed so real now looked like a cross between burned flesh and melted plastic. but peter wasn’t phased, and still was endeared to his creation. and really wade seemed just the same as he had been before the damage, still developing his own sense of humor, still speaking to peter about whatever came to his mind. but over time, peter realizes that the damage caused to wade has short circuited something in his programming. he’s more… violent.

which peter had always made sure his AI’s would be peaceful. and he’s also sexual, he doesn’t seem to even care about the limits that an AI has in the way of sexual intercourse or even sexual desire. but wade doesn’t mind. peter discusses it with wade one day, he says that he may need to power wade down and go inside to fix the damage that was caused. but that upsets wade, he says that he thought peter still liked him. and peter says that he does, but he’s almost… sick now.

sick in a robot sort of way, and peter just wants to make him better. and wade looks so heartbroken. he pauses and asks peter if human mental illnesses are like a glitch in their programming?? and peter says yes, that’s a good comparison. wade asks if this means mentally ill humans are broken and need fixing?? peter hesitates, and eventually says no. they only need some fixing if they’re hurting others or themselves. wade points out that he hasn’t hurt anyone. and he gets scared

and asks if he’s hurt peter somehow. peter sits down next to him and says that of course he hasn’t. he just wants wade to feel as good as he possibly can. and wade says that he feels good now, and as long as he has peter then he thinks he’ll be just fine. and peter believes him. he knows that these AIs need to be treated as individuals, they have their own thoughts and feelings and it seems wade is more human than any model yet. peter refuses to be prejudiced to his creations"


	632. Chapter 632

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bi peter parker

when peter finds out wade is pan, he gets this weird feeling and he can’t figure out why he gets so uncomfortable seeing wade with other guys, and he’s worrying himself sick thinking am i just really homophobic and never realized it

as it turns out peter was just very bi and jealous


	633. Chapter 633

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, bi peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Can you expand on the 'Peter thinks he's homophobic when he finds out Wade is pan, but it turns out Peter is just very bi and jealous'?"

so wade just kind of mentions it off hand, and peter has this moment of oh, because he’s never had a queer friend before, but he doesn’t want to make it a whole thing so he just kind of accepts it and moves on

except he can’t seem to move on, every time he sees wade with another guy he gets this weird feeling in his gut, he’s just so uncomfortable watching wade flirt with any of the avengers

he has this mini panic where he thinks he’s just being weirdly homophobic, but then he had to watch wade flirt the same way with women and peter gets the exact same feeling in his gut, and it all kinda hits him at once, like oh shit i may be a little gay

it takes peter a while to figure out he’s bi, and even longer for him to work up the courage to ask wade out, his friends all have a good laugh at his expense when he tells them, his aunt may throws him a coming out party with a bi flag colored cake and she hangs a pride flag outside the house


	634. Chapter 634

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ballet au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "ballet au where wade is a fan of ballet and always wanted to dance, but he thinks his scars are too gruesome to be appreciated in such a beautiful and graceful profession. anyways, one night he attends a ballet and the star dancer is peter. and wade is so in awe of the guy, the way he moves, his form, but what really gets him is when the cast comes out for a round of applause and peter just looks so shy. so wade decides he's gonna try and be a dancer, just for a chance to talk to peter."

it’s love at first sight, wade is head over heels from the first moment peter stepped onto the stage, he goes to all of peter’s ballets after that, follows him in the news, he’s a total fanboy, and it’s also the moment that he decides to say fuck it and chase his dream

he starts ballet classes and gets shit for being wayyy too old, and when he does find a class for older beginners, he’s still twice as old as most of them, but that doesn’t phase him, he works harder than everybody else, practices until his shoes fill with blood and his legs give out on him, year after year until the goddamn stars align

wade reads an article on how peter is staring in a local ballet for charity, it’s a retelling of beauty and the beast, but gay, and auditions are open, now

wade almost talks himself out of it a hundred times just waiting for his turn, but he doesn’t back out and his audition is beautiful, he gets the part of the beast and just about melts when peter congratulates him personally

fucking dream come true

wade and peter end up practicing the hardest, dancing side by side week after week to learn and perfect the choreography, wade’s actually kind of happy about the costume choice, for most of the ballet he’s wearing a massive prop mask and a feather light cape that’s built to make him look bulkier, and at the end, he’s supposed to switch out with the guy they cast as the prince

peter actually fights this, since wade is the prince and taking him out for the reveal just because of his appearance defeats the whole purpose of the play, so now wade is a little terrified about how people are going to react when he turns into a prince

as it turns out when he gets on stage and sees peter all done up and glittering in the spotlight, everything else just disappears, it’s the best performance of his life, and the first night they almost get lost in the kiss at the end

they end up causing a little scandal when they start dating after the ballet is over, they couldn’t be happier


	635. Chapter 635

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ironman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [poisonousfruitbowl](https://poisonousfruitbowl.tumblr.com/), "Firstly: I love your blog! Secondly, what do you think about Peter feeding the strays in New York? Like, his innocent ass just can't leave these poor animals alone so he uses all the money he can spare to get pet food and tries to fix them if they're injured or just brings them to Tony. Innocent little Peter who wants to adopt every stray in New York city and Tony's knee deep in puppies and Wade thinks its adorable. And maybe the strays tries to protect him back."

when peter was little and tony ended up taking care of him as a kid, peter would run around new york all the time, he worried tony sick just disappearing whenever, he has a whole hoard of dogs and cats that he picked up as a kid and convinced tony to let him keep at the tower, it’s always those damn eyes, tony just can’t say no

and then when he got his powers tony started going grey early, peter would bring back failed villain experiments and escaped zoo animals, every time he goes outside there’s a protective bird gang that always follows him around because he won’t stop feeding them, he’s even got some rats at home that he’s trained

now wade helps peter walk all his dogs, he’s a life saver, they still have to make two trips with about twenty dogs between the two of them, they’ve got to be careful where they go since a lot of the dogs are really protective of peter and will growl at anybody that passes by too close for their liking

tony has invented twelve different robots that just clean up fur, the tower somehow remains spotless, tony also has a resident vet in the tower now and wade always goes to visit the animals that are in recovery when he goes to see peter

wade and peter found an eagle with a broken wing and somehow managed to bring it back while wade only lost two fingers to her beak, she’s an angry one but she’s doing much better now


	636. Chapter 636

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade letting Peter use him as a medical guinea pig so he can practice first aid for when he needs to patch himself up"

wade doesn’t usually let anybody go near him with anything vaguely medicinal, but after watching peter try to stitch up his own cut before disinfecting it, he put a stop to that and made peter practice on his own cuts

it’s a while before wade is confident in peter’s abilities, but after fights they still end up fixing each other up, wade of course doesn’t need it, but peter insists, and it really does help everything heal a little cleaner


	637. Chapter 637

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

when peter first meets wade, it’s during a shield debrief, he was just speaking to some of the german agents, and since wade is a massive spiderman fanboy, he kinda forgot to speak english when he got peter’s attention

instead of doing the normal person thing and correcting his mistake, he just rolls with it to see how long he can go before peter figures him out

which turns out to be a horrible fucking mistake, since peter talks enough for the both of them, and it’s mostly about wade, he doesn’t think wade can understand him, so whenever they see each other peter will say something like god you’re gorgeous instead of hi, peter is crushing hard

he’s also like not at all subtle with the flirting, every time they’re together peter always ends up touching wade and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend he doesn’t understand

and then peter talks to somebody else about wade and finds out that wade has been fucking with him for the last month, and decides to turn the tables and see just how bad it has to get before wade cracks

it takes peter casually saying “i’d like to slam you against this wall and fuck you senseless” in the elevator, wade just says fuck and peter starts laughing

he does find wade later and ask if he’d be up for a date


	638. Chapter 638

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, injury

so lets say ellie got her dad’s powers, but she still keeps aging like normal, and neither of them can actually feel pain when they get hurt because i want this to be a comedy, and they’re both accident prone as fuck

and neither of them has any sort of self preservation and peter’s heart can’t take much more of this, you’d think that years of living with wade and ellie through all the dumb shit they do he’d of gotten used to it by now, but no, he still screams when he finds a toe in the shower or ellie comes home without one of her limbs, or wade doesn’t notice he’s been impaled at some point on the walk home

peter’s beginning to think that they were both born without common sense, it’s the little things like when he drops a hot pan, wade will lunge for it and peter will have to remind him that his flesh is boiling off his bones, or when ellie dangerously misunderstands how high up she is when she jumps out of trees and windows, the sight of her own bone poking out of her leg doesn’t faze her in the least

honestly they’d forget their own heads if peter wasn’t there to put them back on, literally


	639. Chapter 639

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, avengers, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Maybe do a situation of the avengers catching Spidey taking a blunt and there all like how dare you until Clint’s in the background like I knew. And, during all this Peters lowkey panicking and rambling till he stops halfway"

peter’s just chilling on a roof with a blunt and the entire bag of weed he just bought off his dealer, and he’s too stoned to notice them coming up, tony started giving him the disappointed distant yet loving father figure with steve hanging in the back asking if smoking is bad now

clint is just kinda hanging there like fucking called it, this is why he doesn’t like spiderman, nobody believed him when he said spiderman was a stoner

it’s p damn hard to argue back when he’s trying to tell tony stark to mind his own beeswax and not get distracted by the way his suit feels on his face, tony’s the only one who seems to give a shit and banner shows up when hulk smells the smoke

so now clint and natasha are trying to explain 19th c. drugs and how tobacco is actually bad for you, bruce and spiderman are smoking together while tony continues to be paranoid that his own drug addictions have influenced other people in his life

peter looses his train of thought about the scientific viability of marijuana, reminds tony that he’s not the one selling it, wanders off into a scientific article he read one time on the properties of hemp, starts talking about phytoplankton without being able to remember the word phytoplankton, and realizes he forgot where he was going with this once he started brokenly ranting about global warming

then he just ends up panicking and venom takes over and just aborts mission, so every time any of the avengers see spidey, they pass on a message from tony, and it’s usually something like be safe


	640. Chapter 640

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

peter parker has one huge secret, he’s spiderman, and nobody knows, except the entire bird population of nyc

it started out with peter throwing crumbs while he was up on roofs, and moved to him saving nests and getting birds untangled since he’s the only one that could reach them

everywhere spiderman goes, he gets followed by a giant flock of birds, he’s not too happy about all the bird shit he’s gotta wash out of his suit now, and the fact that anybody can find him as long as they follow the giant ominous cloud of birds hovering over him

he didn’t mean to become the crazy bird guy, but then the birds figured out his secret identity and now they follow peter parker too, and it’s really starting to put a dent in his social life, turns out having a murder of crows staring in through the windows really creeps people out

but sometimes it’s a good thing, like when some of the smarter ones start bringing peter bits and bobs they steal from peter’s villains, or that time he dropped his phone from the top of the empire state building, miraculously he got it back with only a crack in the screen


	641. Chapter 641

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

soulmate au where the first words your soulmate says to you are written on your body, peter’s got “holy shit, i gotta say i’m a little turned on right now” riiiight across his back, he got a note in middle school excusing him from taking any swimming classes, and generally he just never takes his shirt off, he got hell for it in high school and decided somewhere along the way he’d like very much to punch his soulmate in the face

wade was a little relieved when his mark got burnt off his leg, he just figured that was the end of that and moved on

and then he ran into spiderman when he was shaking down somebody who tried to hire him as a setup, the guy kicked him against the wall and used webs to tie him up, and then he said the line and peter froze, turned around slowly and with barely contained rage stammered “you- you fucking bag of dicks!”


	642. Chapter 642

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "Can you do a sequel to the soulmate au like Peter and wade on the roof talking about their marks and Peter going I only said that because you made my mark say."

nah man it’s totally because peter is absolute shite at swearing under pressure, like in that moment he was so goddamn angry that he wanted to swear, which means his brain had to do some complicated backtracking to remember bad words because spiderman doesn’t swear, and peter doesn’t swear around aunt may

but in the moment the only thing he could come up with was bag of dicks and fuck, it was sufficiently stupid enough to give wade just a hard time as a kid with his mark, wade is kinda relieved anyways because he always thought his mark meant his soulmate wouldn’t want him

that’s not at all the case and peter and wade argue about it all the way back to peter’s place where they get changed and set out for aunt may’s, since peter promised her she’d be the first to know when he met his soulmate


	643. Chapter 643

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter is a hot mess most of the time, once he tried to make wade a birthday cake, forgot to flour the pan, accidentally used brownie mix, and managed to burn the frosting

he was trying to lump brownie fragments into a somewhat cake shape when wade got home early and peter’s soul left his body as he realized it was too late to run to the store and buy an actual cake

wade thought it was the funniest thing ever and they still ended up scraping brownie chunks out of the pan and eating them


	644. Chapter 644

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter is pretty single minded most of the time, so he’s got this bad habit of just not noticing things immediately, wade figured it out after they had been living in the same apartment for a year and peter just figured out that the shower head had three different settings, he just thought the water pressure was fucky

so wade makes a game of it, he’ll change things and see how long it takes peter to notice, like it took two weeks for peter to realize all the spoons were missing, and a day to realize wade was wearing his old glasses, and three hours to realize wade had been walking around the apartment naked all day


	645. Chapter 645

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade meet at the gym, peter is leading a yoga class and wade stops dead in his tracks and signs up as soon as he sees peter in yoga pants


	646. Chapter 646

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

peter taking care of his sick werewolf bf, wade, on the lunar eclipse, because any sort of problems with the moon always means wade has problems

peter will take it to his grave, but when wade sneezes in his werewolf form, he makes the most adorable squeak sound peter has ever heard


	647. Chapter 647

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter bicker all the time, but they don’t get into real fights as often, so when they do it’s a whole thing and they stay mad for weeks and things are said that no one is proud of

peter had to sleep on the couch for a whole month once after he told wade he never actually liked the golden girls


	648. Chapter 648

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter has a thing about “accepting charity”, he won’t let wade buy him anything and wade’s had to return birthday presents because peter said he couldn’t accept something that expensive, and it’s driving wade a little batty because he’s getting real close to just shoving a wad of cash down peter’s throat to shut him up about it

and then he found a loophole, it was when he ruined peter’s $50 craigslist couch by smearing his brain goo all over it, peter told him he’d have to replace it and only grumbled a little when wade got him a brand new recliner couch

wade started breaking things here and there, and peter’s place started looking nicer and nicer, peter still hasn’t caught on

by the same logic wade is considering burning down peter’s place so that he’ll be forced to move in with wade, that’s how it works, right?


	649. Chapter 649

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade is the creepy guy on the bus, he’s just always there when peter gets on in the morning and late night when he’s coming back home, everybody ignores him, but everyone notices him all hunched and muttering in the back

peter loses his wallet one day and he’s freaking out because that has his university id and he needs to get into the lab today to finish his work, so he calls the shuttle service and they can’t find it on the bus either, so peter just resigns himself to his fate and starts walking to his next class

and then he starts hearing something behind him, like somebody running, and then he turns around and the crazy bus guy is chasing him so he starts running because he’s fucking terrified

wade follows peter all the way to the campus police where wade finally returns peter’s wallet and peter feels very bad for running now, but like why the fuck were you chasing me

but peter is peter, so he offers to get wade coffee or something as thanks, and they end up talking and weirdly enough peter likes talking to wade, he’s pretty great

peter surprises wade the next day by sitting down next to him on the bus and trying to talk, and he just keeps doing it every day, and after wade got over his own paranoia, he started to relax

peter’s bi ass is smitten as soon as wade loosens up enough to flirt with him


	650. Chapter 650

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

you know that cliche hallmark kinda romance plot where the protag is going to get married and ditches their fiance at the alter to run off with the old flame that magically showed back up like three days before the wedding

well that but with peter and wade

and the fiance tries to murder them both


	651. Chapter 651

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous for a part 2, "For the cliche hallmark story, which ones Peter wade and who’s the fiancé? I love this idea can you elaborate."

wade is the groom of course and peter is the desperate ex that totally picked this moment to visit because he wants wade to give him another chance

ellie is the flower girl and calls peter because she’s getting some real evil stepmother vibes from shiklah, and she knows that wade is still in love with peter, she’s going to ruin this wedding come hell or high water

shiklah is wade’s fiance and she’s massively suspicious of peter from the get go, and tries to get rid of him many times before the wedding, wade and her don’t share the same view on monogamy and end up getting into a fight because wade doesn’t see why being in love with her and other people is a problem if he doesn’t do anything about it, which turns into an argument about ellie, because shiklah resents that ellie is wade’s kid with somebody else

peter also gets into a passive aggressive verbal throw down with shiklah and maybe goads her into trying to burn him into a pile of ash, which is a real downer when you’re trying to have a wedding

wade is totally gone for peter, he’s remembering how they were before, and it hurts seeing peter with ellie because he already knows that ellie likes peter much more than shiklah

shiklah doesn’t take being left at the alter very well and shifts into her true form, peter and wade ran for their lives while the other heroes and various supers in attendance stopped shiklah from leveling half the city, so even without a wedding, there’s still a happy ending


	652. Chapter 652

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, friends au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogoflovendtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Friends AU, where Wanda Wilson and Peter Parker take Chandler and Monica's role."

peter would be monica, the dysfunctional mom friend who’s just barely holding it all together

which makes wade chandler, peter’s wisecracking partner in crime


	653. Chapter 653

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, scientist au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i know that there are few fanfictions of this kind, but i want to see your version of "peter gets surprised and awkwardly attracted to wade when he discovers how smart wade is" (speaking multiple lenguages, strategizing when teams up with spidey, being cult, being genuinely attentive and interested when spidey rambles sciency things and discovering his secret identity because how observant he is but waiting for spidey to tell him himself, etc)"

hoooooooooo shit, so i just had a brilliant idea

peter gets his degree in biomedical engineering, interns with stark for three years and lands a job at the willson cancer research facility, which is basically his lifelong dream

wade willson is an eccentric researcher who developed a way of slowing down cancer growth to half it’s normal rate, he never gives interviews so hardly anyone knows what he looks like and peter actually screams when aunt may hands him the letter saying he’s hired

dr. willson is ahhhh…. well he’s kind of an oddball, and that’s putting it nicely, but hot damn does he know what he’s doing, peter had a chance to read through some of the latest research projects going on in the labs on his first day and he was blown away

he knows it’s kinda pathetic to be crushing on your boss, but nobody has to know

on the flip side spiderman has picked up a new pest, a merc named deadpool that just won’t leave him the fuck alone, peter doesn’t really think much of him until his web shooters explode and glue them both together

peter is kinda freaking out because he doesn’t have enough dissolvant for this kinda mess, and when wade asks what they should do, peter just kinda rambles to himself about all the chemicals and equipment he needs, and much to his horror, wade picks him up and breaks them into peter’s workplace

peter would be madder, but then wade just makes the fucking solvent, from what he picked up from peter’s angry muttering, which means he just inferred most of it, which is when peter starts to take an interest in deadpool, starts realizing that he can reference anything from pop culture to ancient philosophy and actually understands what peter’s talking about when he complains about his web formulas not working, hell the guy even made a better web formula and peter isn’t sure whether to be jealous or turned on

and dr. willson starts taking an interest in new hire peter parker after that incident with the mutant wasps, peter was the only one that managed to stay calm and save some of the equipment before those fucking wasps set it all on fire

that and other little things, like peter being able to catch a beaker hurtling at the back of his head, jumping on top of wade just before an explosion hits, and being deceptively strong for a guy who looks like he’s never been to the gym in his life

that and the way peter is always watching him sets off alarm bells in wade’s head, he’s pretty sure peter is either a spy or another merc, the only question is, why hasn’t he done anything yet


	654. Chapter 654

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, scientist au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Mooooooore scientist au please omg!"

wade’s uber paranoid, so he does the sensible thing and follows peter home one night, except when he came back later to kill him in his sleep, there was nobody in the room, he had to hide in the closet when peter came back as spiderman and went to bed

wade keeps beating himself up about not seeing it before, like it’s really fucking obvious once he started thinking about it, honestly the only reason he didn’t figure it out sooner was because he just didn’t pay enough attention to peter

so wade’s still convinced that peter’s in his lab to steal something, but he’s not willing to kill his favorite hero, so he keeps a close eye on peter, which peter totally misinterprets and gets really excited about

and then since peter’s in a good mood he decides to share a little with deadpool when they take a break together and tells him that he’s kind of in love with one of his co workers, and wade has to grit his teeth and sit through the whole conversation while seething with jealously

so then he really starts paying more attention to peter at work, trying to figure out who’s stealing his spiderman, so he starts pulling peter off other projects to work with him, which peter is ecstatic about

but peter is also conflicted because even though dr. wilson is basically the guy of his dreams, he’s developed a real relationship with deadpool and he’s kind of interested to see where that’s going to go, like the guy is not subtle, peter knows he’d be willing to try at least

so the next time spiderman and deadpool meet, wade asks how peter’s office romance is going, and peter says he’s decided to let go of that since it was probably not going where he’d wanted anyways, and wade is secretly glad, and then peter chickens out of asking out deadpool

peter is out superheroing and runs into a bit of trouble with kraven, peter manages to get stuck with a spear and goes down, he’s definitely going to die when dr. wilson steps in front of him and starts shooting at kraven, he grabs peter and runs

peter’s kinda fading in and out when wade calls him by his real name, and peter has a moment of oh fuck right before he loses consciousness

peter wakes up in one of the restricted labs with wade, and when wade tries questioning him, he realizes very slowly that peter really doesn’t have a mission or whatever, he’s really just a very enthusiastic employee

and when peter starts begging wade not to tell anybody, wade starts feeling bad, so he says ok but you have to promise not to tell anyone im deadpool, and once peter finally catches up, he tells wade he’s going to try that office romance again

wade still doesn’t get it


	655. Chapter 655

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter smoking pot to cope with his enhanced senses and trying edibles for the first time with wade, peter eats a few too many gummies with the joint he smokes and gets Ultra High. wade and him can't stop giggling over nothing and they're leaning all over each other, and wade is so smitten that he just pulls peter on top of him and holds him which makes peter laugh more. wade smokes another joint and shotguns it with peter, they make out some and then order pizza and chinese bc they can't decide."

like peter’s been high enough that he knows how to handle an intense high, or at least stop it from going bad, it all happened because he watched wade down a handful to combat his healing factor and figured he could take something close to that, he was wrong

everything feels fucking amazing, wade keeps laughing because peter keeps laughing because he knows exactly how ridiculous he looks stuck to the ceiling, just running his hands back and forth over the texture, it just feels…. so…weird

he lands on top of wade when he falls finally and that sets them both off again, and then when peter tries to sit up wade pulls him back down on top of himself because it is suddenly Very Important that peter stay on the couch with him

they can’t decide what to eat and smoke another joint together while they decide, except wade shotguns it with peter and peter starts making out with wade and then they both forget about the lit joint that wade just dropped on the floor and when the pizza guy gets there, wade and peter are sitting just outside the front door because the whole place smells like burnt hair and makes peter sick


	656. Chapter 656

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, photographer au, artist au

artist wade and photographer peter meet at one of wade’s gallery openings, and peter is in love with his art, like he works with glass and he makes 3d shapes that change the way they look from every angle you look at them

and peter’s just so entranced, he almost forgets to take all the pictures he needs for his magazine, and wade is entranced too, but more with the cute photographer that spent way longer than he needed to looking around

so wade maybe looks peter up and hires him for a private photo shoot, and peter is good at what he does, and wade stubbornly refuses to get flustered when peter starts gushing to his face how amazing he thinks wade’s art is, except he’s totally flustered and panics and tries to stop himself from talking by giving peter free tickets to his next gallery

but then peter shows up with a girl on his arm and wade is mentally kicking himself because of course the guy has a girlfriend, but then wade feels like it would be shitty to just stop talking to peter because he’s unavailable when he’s such a huge fan and they get along well

and ya know, peter invited wade to his photography showing, so of course he can’t miss that, except when he gets there, he goes around the exhibit, and the titles start to spell something out, so he goes back and starts at the beginning and reads his way down the hall, and at the end he’s grinning like an idiot because peter’s standing at the end all nervous about asking wade out in the most complicated way possible


	657. Chapter 657

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is on the verge of having a mental breakdown and has been for months now. The signs were small at first but as time went by, peter got worse until one night on a team up with wade, peter goes /off/."

can you image though, dude’s failing college, work he hates, lying to his aunt, suspicious friends, a failing love life, crippling debt, clinical depression, advanced anxiety, a double life, rampant paranoia, always malnourished, poorly dealing with insomnia, and he doesn’t even have health care on top of getting shot every other week

peter is one dropped pencil away from just breaking down in the middle of class most days, and at night when he’s sitting at the tops of skyscrapers he finds himself calculating how high up he’d have to be before the pavement was guaranteed to put him out of his misery

and if that wasn’t bad enough, wade fucking wilson, gun for hire and notoriously bad person to be involved with, decided that spiderman was his new obsession and peter’s constantly worried that it’s going to turn sour sooner rather than later

which is why when wade sticks a gun at the back of peter’s head as a joke done in very poor taste, peter just turns around and holds it there and asks wade if he’d pull the trigger for like twenty bucks because that’s all peter has on him right now

wade gets a little freaked out because peter isn’t moving, he’s just holding the gun right there and wade can’t pull it back or put it down, and when wade finally yanks the gun out of peter’s grip and accidentally fires up into the air, peter just looses it

he starts trying to wrestle the gun out of wade’s hands and starts screaming at wade for not just being a merc and killing him while he had the chance, it’s not a pretty fight, peter is strong, but he’s not really trying, wade wears him down enough that peter just collapses, from stress or lack of sleep or malnutrition or just plain and simple exhaustion

peter wakes up chained to a light post in the middle of nowhere with wade just sitting there and staring at him, wade just asks him if he’s feeling… better, peter says yes so wade unchains him and disappears

they don’t talk about it again, but peter doesn’t try to shake off wade anymore, and wade checks in with peter once a week to make sure he’s not, you know, dead


	658. Chapter 658

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "au that peter's spider mutation actually made him immortal/regenerate like wade, it's just way slower. the only reason he and wade don't realize that is because peter hasn't been straight up murdered yet. but one day he is, he's blown to bits. and wade mourns him for 3 months, he's a mess. until one day he's laying in a dumpster (as one does) and a naked peter parker just.. walks by the alleyway, shouting for wade and that's how they find out that apparently yes peter can regenerate from death."

like it’s not something either of them thought about or anything, they both assumed that peter’s healing factor was just weaker, not slower

so when peter took one of the green goblin’s pumpkin bombs to the chest, wade had to watch peter explode in a shower of gore on live tv, and then again and again and again just to make sure it was real

wade does not deal with grief well, he went on a three month bender and actually manages to get some sort of smashed by constantly poisoning himself, sometimes to death

he wakes up in the dumpster behind the last place he died at, fucking inconsiderate bastards, couldn’t even dump his body in the street so he could traumatize one more person while dead

and to his utter bafflement, peter, buck ass nude, limps by, shouting wade’s name

it takes wade a long time to shake off whatever was still in his system enough to make sure peter isn’t another hallucination, he’s not

wade wrestles off his shirt and sticks it on peter who is still v out of it, and wade’s stuck between being deliriously happy that peter’s not dead anymore, and feeling guilty that he knows that means that peter’s life is going to just as long and fucked up as his own, and he’s still happy about it because that means nobody can take peter from him now


	659. Chapter 659

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Idk if I sent this already but: Spider-Man always eats deadpool's food. At first it was just to piss the merc off, but it became a thing bc Wade Always has food and Peter is Always hungry. It's like a Pavlovian response, Wade brings out a snack and Spider-man's hand automatically reaches over to grab it (to the entertainment of those around) (sorry if I already sent this one)"

it actually started because peter was annoyed with wade always sneaking up on him, so he followed wade around for a week and webbed wade’s food out of his hands everywhere he went, peter finally stopped after wade started shooting at him

it’s how he reveals his identity to wade too, he’s in civvies and he tracks down wade, who’s just about to bite into his gyro when peter walks past, snatches it out of wade’s hands and says “yoink”

wade’s jaw nearly drops to the floor, peter buys him another gyro as an apology

wade starts using food as an excuse to hang out with peter, because he knows peter is a starving mutant college kid with a super metabolism, and that means peter doesn’t turn down free food, not that he would have turned wade down if he never brought food

it’s just wade’s way of dealing with his own insecurities, he starts keeping snacks in his belt pouches just in case he runs into peter, so now neither of them think about it anymore

peter will see wade across the street, walk over, take a bite out of his churro, and then say hi, it’s just ingrained in their relationship now

it’s especially noticeable to the avengers, who try very very hard not to bring it up, like when they have a sort of team lunch and wade just starts feeding peter, who doesn’t even look and keeps talking with his mouth full, or when wade just randomly takes out a candy bar, unwraps it, and just holds it out until peter drops out of the sky to take a bite and then jumps off his web to join him, or that one memorable time peter accidentally thought wade was going to feed him something and just stuck wade’s fingers in his mouth

the avengers have a betting pool on the explanation, tony thinks it’s a sex thing, bucky also thinks it’s a sex thing, natasha thinks it’s because they’re together, bruce says maybe peter is diabetic or something i’m not betting this is stupid, clint says it’s a blackmail thing and spidey’s got something on deadpool, sam says the blackmail thing but the other way around, steve says i’m sure they have their reasons, and rhodey said to put his money on whatever natasha said


	660. Chapter 660

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

soulmate au where the name of your soulmate is written on your arm

and peter knows long before he meets wade just what kind of person he is, so he changes his name and after he gets his powers and actually meets the guy, it’s at the park when wade is in civvies with his daughter

and everything peter’s ever thought about wade wilson gets turned on its head, because wade is not the person peter thought he was and now he’s gotta deal with feelings and wondering if maybe his soulmate isn’t a mistake

like the more time peter spends with wade the more he sees a side of wade he likes, but now peter doesn’t know how to tell wade they’re soulmates, hey sorry i didn’t tell you this a year ago because i was a dick and didn’t want anything to do with you but…


	661. Chapter 661

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, murder, character death, soulmates au

soulmate au where the name of your soul mate is written on your arm, and wade just figures after the name on his arm gets burned off that he doesn’t have one anymore, either they’re dead or it’s better this way because he doesn’t think anyone should have to have him as a soul mate

years later he meets spiderman, it’s a rocky start actually, they end up fighting each other more often than not, and they seem to live by a difference of opinions, but eventually they get forced to team up together against a common enemy, wade saves peter’s life by getting himself killed and peter talks wade down from killing the enemy

wade’s a little surprised when peter shows up with a box of cookies the next time they run into each other, peter pretends like he didn’t spend the last six hours looking for wade just to give him homemade cookies for saving his sorry ass, they’re good cookies

peter regrets it a little because wade somehow took it as a sign that he and spidey are bffs now and peter is being driven crazy by the merc, but it’s not the worst thing he’s ever done

peter doesn’t tell wade anything about his identity and wade respects that, until wade runs into an old friend that broke back out of jail, this time is just like the last, spiderman shows up at the last minute and begs him to reconsider, says they can call shield and makes sure he never gets out again, but then the guy says something to wade that just hits a nerve and wade sees red, he strangles the guy to death and throws peter off when peter tries to stop him

that’s the funny thing about people, sometimes you can survive crawling 50 miles to the nearest town in the middle of winter in the arctic with two broken legs, and sometimes you just knock your head wrong and that’s all it takes

wade was trying to shake peter awake, he was trying to avoid feeling for a pulse, just in case

but peter wasn’t going to wake up, so wade took his limp wrist and pulled back the fabric to check for a pulse he knew he wouldn’t find, and there on peter’s arm in a messy scrawl was the name wade wilson


	662. Chapter 662

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Times Wade's loud and very out there personality turned out to be just a little too much for Spidey's enhanced senses to handle?"

like sometimes peter gets bad days when the sensory overload brings him to new levels of hell, like that time he was living on campus for that semester they did non stop construction on one of the buildings, he barely even slept then

or when certain smells just get to him, he’s taken up being a neat freak just to keep odors at a minimum

it’s not always a thing, but sometimes there’s just something that gives him a headache by existing, and then sometimes he runs into wade on a bad day and just wants to die

it’s not wade per say, it’s the fact that wade talks loud and constantly and on days like this the sound of his voice is like sawing styrofoam, or scraping ceramic plates with a knife, or nails on a chalkboard

which feels stupid to peter, because he likes wade, so he doesn’t want to tell him to fuck off because what if that hurts his feelings or wade starts to hate him

peter eventually gives in when he realizes he’s picked a hole through his suit and was bleeding where he’s been scratching absentmindedly, he asks wade if he could please be quiet for a little bit, he’s got a headache that’s driving him crazy

and to peter’s surprise, he just, shuts up, and peter thinks it’s probably the most awkward he’s ever felt, because a quiet deadpool is a lot like visiting the beach at night, you just kinda feel like you’re going to die at any moment, it’s quite terrifying

but then it becomes a regular thing, wade starts catching peter holding his head and asks if he needs to be quiet, and peter gets so comfortable around wade that he even ends up falling asleep on wade’s shoulder one time, it’s the most relaxed he’s been in years


	663. Chapter 663

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from unknown, "Can you continue the sensory overload story?"

despite the murder aura, wade was actually just trying to keep peter around, like a cat, when peter falls asleep on wade, wade will just not move until peter wakes up, that first time the entire left side of his body was numb when peter woke up, besides, he does enough talking inside his own head for quiet moments like this

wade almost high fives himself when peter tells him that for some reason his headaches go away when wade’s around, after the unmasking, peter shows wade what he calls his vampire box, it’s just a sound proof telephone booth peter found at a dump and dragged back home, he only used it after soaking the whole thing in bleach first of course

wade starts picking out some of peter’s favorite foods and smells so peter doesn’t make that face that he wears at restaurants when he’s three seconds away from losing his lunch, peter didn’t know wade could cook


	664. Chapter 664

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade somehow gets all of Peter's villains to fight each other and Peter is watching this torn because he knows he should put a stop to it but at the same time it's highly entertaining and whoever the winner is has to join community service for 6 months"

so wade somehow gets a hold of all their numbers and starts a group chat where he impersonates villains in order to get them to all riled up and mad at each other, it’s pretty simple after that, he just suggests they all see who’s really better and then adds in a quick, winner does community service for six months

peter’s torn when wade calls him up and has him turn on the news, on one hand, he’s laughing his ass off, on the other, those are his villains and he should probably make sure none of them end up dead

wade suggests they be referees after talking peter down from calling a stop to the whole thing, because community service, petey, how can you be against community service

they never do get a winner, since the avengers showed up and scared off the ones they didn’t catch, ironically, peter later sees kraven and doc oc shooting glares at each other while cleaning up trash as part of their mandatory community service sentence

peter thinks wade is kind of amazing


	665. Chapter 665

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

soulmate au where peter and mj are soulmates, but mj and gwen are together and peter and mj agreed they’re just platonic soul mates and all get along like a house on fire

enter wade whose soul mate is eeeeh either dead or in space somewhere, it’s a whole thing, it just didn’t work out between them since they both went into the relationship expecting different things

and wade falls for spiderman, who then unmasks himself bc he’s in love with wade but wade doesn’t know that and just thinks they’re best buds and then he meets mj, and he can see peter’s name on her arm and his heart just breaks in two

he starts avoiding peter and doesn’t answer when peter calls, it’s actually mj and gwen that set wade straight, they run into him at a club and when he looks very very confused about them being together, they both roll their eyes and explain the whole situation to wade because peter is kind of an idiot about these things and didn’t even realize how wade might have misunderstood


	666. Chapter 666

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [beepboopfidek](https://beepbooptfidek.tumblr.com/), "Man do I love your posts. Once I see the notification I immediately go on tumblr. Great job on everything. I would love to see more stoner peter! more thou. Thanks 🙏☺️"

so since peter is constantly High to deal with venom, he’s also constantly hungry, like his metabolism is already insane to begin with, but now he’s got to deal with the munchies on top of that, most of the time venom has to give up on trying to get inside peter’s brain and just get him to eat, because venom can feel peter just fucking starving

one time peter blacked out when venom got enough of a hold to take over when he forgot to get breakfast, and woke up in a decimated bakery feeling like absolute shit

which he later found out was because he ate the entire store, like just shoveled bread, yeast, flour and whatever else he could find down his throat until there was nothing left to eat, now peter carries around a backpack full of granola and pop tarts because he didn’t particularly like puking up ten pounds of jalapeno cheesy bread


	667. Chapter 667

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, teacher au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is trying to get his ged and Peter is the professor at the local community college who encourages him to complete it whenever wade feels like quitting because hey, he got this far didn’t he?"

peter took all those dumb movies about inspirational teachers helping people live their best lives a little too close to heart as a kid and nobody’s been able to sway him since, so he became a teacher, he got a job at a local community college and sometimes he even teaches people he used to know in high school

wade comes into class as one of his students, but it’s really the first time wade visits during office hours that makes him stand out, he’s loud and brash and inappropriate, but he’s also kind and earnest and he’s got photos of his daughter in his wallet that he shows literally everyone

and then one day wade takes little toddler ellie with him to class one day since her mom was sick and couldn’t watch her today, and peter can barely keep it together, she escapes wade and toddles up to peter in the middle of a lecture, so peter picks her up and gives her the laser pointer and keeps talking

when wade collects ellie after class wade’s super embarrassed but peter loves her, she’s adorable and she gives peter a big hug when wade tells her to say goodbye

ellie just appoints herself as peter’s helper on the days wade has to bring her with him to class, she helps peter by holding papers for him and handing him different marker colors, she’s very proud of her job and wade keeps taking pictures

wade and peter end up talking a lot when wade visits his office, they become friends and peter ends up encouraging wade to complete his ged whenever his doubts get in the way, peter is the kind of teacher that will listen to whats going on and helps his students work around all that and give them whatever extensions they need, it’s really helped out wade since some days his schizophrenia gets the better of him

the day wade gets his ged, peter just runs over and wraps him up in a giant hug and almost squeezes the life out of him, wade invites peter to his own little celebration party with some friends and ellie, ellie gives him a handmade card so that he has an invitation, wade says she thought it was very important


	668. Chapter 668

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

so wade is not a great bed partner, the sleeping kind, not the sexual one

he gets night terrors and has to sleep with all his weapons in a different room, but like he’s also just very active in his sleep

like peter has held full conversations with wade sleep talking, and there’s times when wade gets up and does things while sleep walking and then goes back to bed usually in something that is not a bed, like that time peter found him snoring in the bathtub in a puddle of warm orange juice

and then there’s the stuff that just scares the ever loving shit out of peter, like when he points at nothing and asks peter “what’s that doing here”, or when he sits bolt upright, screams, and then goes immediately back to sleep while peter’s left stuck to the ceiling with his heart falling out of his chest

one particularly memorable night wade got up, went down the stairs, then came back up, hugged peter and whispered “they can’t get you now” and then went back to bed

peter just left the house through the window and slept at aunt may’s that night


	669. Chapter 669

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au

wade being this brick wall of a man gruff looking biker dude with a messed up face and knives strapped to his boots

and peter pulling off the nerd look all too well in over sized sweaters and constantly broken glasses

and they first meet because wade is in a biker gang, but like they all own biker cats and put their little fluffy friends in special cat holders on their bikes, and buy cat sized goggles so they can see what’s happening, and harnesses so their feline friends are safe

anyways, so peter zeros in on wade’s cat because she’s this beautiful ginger tabby with striking gold eyes and peter can never resist asking to pet an animal, so he walks right over to wade in the middle of this biker gang and as soon as peter asks about wade’s cat all the bikers start cooing about their cats and peter goes around the circle and learns about every single cat there, like he can name them by the time he leaves

he ends up seeing wade’s gang around a couple of times, and he always makes sure to stop and say hi

the next time he sees wade, wade asks if peter wants a cat, since one of the gang’s cats had kittens, and peter cannot resist, he takes two home and wade calls all the time to ask how they’re doing, peter becomes an honorary member when wade and his cat wiggles take him for a ride, since peter admitted that he’s never been on a motorcycle in his life


	670. Chapter 670

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

when peter starts out as a baby gay at the age of twenty five, he’s got no fucking clue what to do, he’s not even sure he’s gay, but he’s confused and pretty sure he’s not straight, so he looks up the nearest gay bar and just walks in

he gets lucky and it ends up being a less intense club, mostly focused on the drag queen part of it, which is when peter bumps into wade who’s in drag and peter falls in love at first sight

he keeps coming back to see wade, and he’s very sure he’s some kind of gay now, he ends up making some great friends and they take him to a pride center for the first time, and peter just fucking loves it, but he keeps coming back to see wade, and one of his new friends figures it out and maybe lets a rumor spread to just the right people that peter has a thing for wade

so wade decides to go hard and the next time he sees peter, he walks right over in the middle of his performance and sits right down in peter’s lap and peter turns red as a tomato, wade thinks it’s adorable and can’t help but tease peter more

peter ends up babbling when he tries to talk to wade afterwards, so wade does him a favor and buys him a drink, and then asks him if he’s doing anything next friday

peter was doing something, but fuck that, he’s in love


	671. Chapter 671

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [zailyn26](http://zailyn26.tumblr.com/), [from this post](http://zailyn26.tumblr.com/post/170492395823/i-am-calling-this-the-cinderella-soul-mate-au): a cinderella soulmate au where anything you lose your soulmate finds

as a kid wade didn’t really lose things, he didn’t have much to lose, but he’d always find buttons and rocks and the occasional book that peter let fall out of his bag, wade had to deal with an abundance of pencils in elementary school, every time he turned his backpack out he’d find another ten

peter found a knife in his pocket when he was 15, he didn’t tell anyone, he just put it down somewhere he knew he’d forget and felt a little relieved when it disappeared

peter is careful when he gets his powers to make sure he never loses any of his spiderman gear, but wade doesn’t try so hard, peter ends up with bullets and shell casings pouring out of his pockets in the wash, he’s got a safe with three illegal guns he’s still not sure what to do with, and in college he started finding fingers and toes, the occasional ear and tooth as well

the first time that happened he found a finger in his pillow and screamed bloody murder, what confuses peter is when he finds more than ten fingers and more than two ears, he starts thinking his soul mate is a serial killer

peter, as careful as he is, gets part of his spiderman mask ripped off in battle, and wade finds it in his shoe, wade decides correctly that spiderman is his soul mate and sets out for new york to find the web crawler

the first time peter sees wade in action he puts two and two together and breathes a huge sigh of relief because the fingers and things were probably wades, probably

peter and wade cheat the system and send each other things by purposefully losing them, like when peter forgets his projects at home, and wade forgets where he left his giant bag of guns and peter has to haul it over to the window and dump it outside so he’ll forget about it

peter and wade send each other notes the same way when wade’s out of the country, it’s safer than keeping phones around, and sometimes wade picks up something fun for peter to find, which could be anything from a diamond encrusted taco, to the massive dildo that popped up in aunt may’s kitchen while peter was visiting


	672. Chapter 672

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

so peter is an astrophysicist and his boyfriend wade wants to get his nerdy bf the best birthday present ever, he’s going to shoot peter into space

but like in a way where he doesn’t die

he’s already tried stealing jets and rocket ships from all the big names, even hopped a couple countries trying to find one that he’d be able to operate on his own, but no such luck

wade’s at the hellhouse griping to weasel because weasel is such a good listener, but mostly he has alcohol, but weasel points out that wade already has a teleporter, all he has to do is find some space suits or something

he broke into nasa for the authenticity and then realized that those suits were shit and broke into the baxter building for the nice suits that don’t feel like an elephant is sitting on you and create their own oxygen

it only took three tries and two near death experiences, but the look on peter’s face when he saw the arp 87 galaxy right in front of them was priceless, he even forgot about the almost eaten by blob monsters thing

peter then spends a whole year panicking because there is no way in hell he could possibly top that for wade’s birthday


	673. Chapter 673

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade has a bit of a green thumb they discover when aunt may brings them a house warming gift for their new apartment, peter tries to take care of the poor plant for a week before it starts looking a step away from death, which is when peter gives up and leaves the plant to it’s fate

wade steps in and just starts watering it whenever he remembers, and to both their surprise, it doesn’t die, in fact it grows until they’ve got a mess of vines creeping around the kitchen

peter makes a little windowsill planter for aunt may, and he and wade keep the two really ugly rejects peter had done before he got it right, wade starts growing flowers in one and strawberries in the other, the strawberries grow so fast the birds can barely keep up, but they manage to get their little beaks into every single berry before wade can, he’s spiteful enough to make the planter it’s own little metal cage as a fuck you to the pigeons

in the other one he grows flowers, and when they bloom, peter and wade take them over to aunt may who starts getting wade to help her with her herbs that she’s trying to grow in the window


	674. Chapter 674

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, princess bride au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Consider: princess bride AU"

peter would be westley, the farmhand that falls in love with wade, except he doesn’t have enough money for them to elope, so he leaves to seek his fortune

wade would absolutely throw himself down that hill after peter without a second thought, peter with his flair for the dramatic and wade being dramatic make a perfect pair


	675. Chapter 675

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey I just had this idea and thought you might like it but like Peter is a Pizza delivery boy and Wade always orders like 20 pizzas or some shit at like 3 am, Peter always gets stuck with the crazy deliveries bc Parker luck and they both kinda love each other after like a million orders and chill and get high together? idk I think it's cute -Madds"

i’ve got that one pizza song stuck in my head now, so thanks for that

yeah peter works all the odd hours because his schedule is shit and he gets paid more this way, but it means he meets some real weirdos, lucky for peter he can usually handle himself

he works at wade’s favorite pizza place, it’s only his favorite because it’s always open and delivers 24/7, but then peter shows up and wade tries to flirt, but peter is just immune while on the job

so wade keeps ordering way too many pizzas way too late at night just so he can see peter more, peter’s fine with it since wade is an amazing tipper

well peter just has this one exceptionally shitty day, one of his best friends just told him she’s moving halfway across the country, aunt may had to go to the hospital after reacting badly to her new medications, peter didn’t get any sleep, and he forgot to turn in his midterm which means he already failed that class

and this time when wade answers the door and offers peter a blunt, peter just shrugs and takes it, his boss was being extra stupid today and already scheduled peter overtime without asking

wade is v high and starts rambling to peter because he doesn’t know what else to do, they both eat all the pizzas in an hour, and by the time peter goes back to work, wade managed to slip a massive tip with his phone number into peter’s pocket


	676. Chapter 676

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

in high school peter is a library assistant for his free period, he fucking loves it, he’s got enough time to work on homework and he likes shelving the books, he finds things all the time he normally wouldn’t have picked off the shelf, it’s fun

wade skips most of his classes unless there’s a test or something, he ends up hiding out in the library a lot, which peter starts to notice

on a slow day when peter doesn’t have anything to do, his curiosity gets the better of him and he goes over to wade, sits down, and says you know for a guy who’s always at the library, how come i never see you with a book

wade doesn’t talk to him, just packs up and leaves, but he’s back again the next day, peter felt a little bad for scaring him off before and brought wade a cupcake from the back room, it had been one of the other library assistants birthday

peter considered it a win when wade at the cupcake and didn’t leave right away, now peter’s just determined to talk to him, peter will greet wade every time he walks into the library, and after a week of noncommittal grunts, he finally gets a hi, wade regrets it immediately

wade finally gives in and talks to peter when peter catches him struggling with english homework, peter offers to help and wade doesn’t bite back the thanks when peter explains how to reorder his essay and goes through and critiques it for him

wade starts sitting at the counter with peter now when he’s in the library, and peter always helps him out with his homework, but when wade doesn’t bring anything, they’ll chatter away until they get so loud one of the librarians comes over to tell them to shut the fuck up

peter loves books, and he’s determined to make wade like them too, he specifically finds books he thinks wade will like and wade reads them because he doesn’t want to let peter down, but ends up actually liking them

peter asks wade to prom by slipping a note into a book he gave wade to read, except wade is a slow reader and it’s getting pretty close to prom now and peter’s getting very nervous


	677. Chapter 677

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "Omg! Does Wade say yes to prom!!! I hope he says yes to Peter!"

like peter was so ready for a rejection, but like no response was not in the plan, he isn’t sure if the note is still in the book or if wade even saw it until like a week before prom when wade ran all the way to school to tackle peter and say yes

aunt may goes all out and gets them both matching boutonnieres and takes a million pictures of them both, wade just eats up the attention while peter gets distinctly redder the longer it goes on

peter and wade spend the night with peter’s friends and eventually they get kicked out for “inappropriate behavior”, so instead of going home, since may let peter borrow her car for the night, peter wade and co. all pile in and wind up in the mcdonalds parking lot eating fries and having the time of their lives

it’s also where peter and wade share their first kiss with everybody around them cheering like they’d just won the fucking olympics


	678. Chapter 678

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter cries every time Wade dies because he’s scared one day his regeneration won’t work. Wade’s last words are always something along the line of “don’t cry, baby, I’ll be back soon” as he weakly wipes away Peter’s tears(if he has arms) until his body goes limp. Then when he comes back to life he kisses Peter until he starts to smile"

peter’s the kind of person that cries when he’s frustrated or scared, and even though he’s seen wade come back from the dead a million times before, he’s always got this voice in his head saying but what if it doesn’t work this time

wade tries a lot harder to stay safe for peter, but you can’t always plan for everything, so to his dying breath, wade just keeps reassuring peter that he’ll be back soon, won’t even be a day

peter always latches onto wade after he comes back to life, it’s just his way of calming down, making sure wade really is there, wade cuddles back just as much because it’s the best feeling in the world, waking up to peter crying over his corpse, i mean it’s a bad thing, but he’s also the only person that does that for him, and that’s worth a lot to wade


	679. Chapter 679

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How about an AU in which Peter is mesmerized by Wade's skin Like he's not into him before catching a glimpse and now he can't stop trying to see more of these incredible patterns. Wade can't help but to expose his sensitivity while showing his insecurities Peter is smitten now it's too late He's damned, he has been fall in love-d"

peter’s got zero self control when it comes to curiosity, zero, may used to hide peter’s presents in a friend’s house before his birthday and christmas to keep him from unwrapping them early, his phone is full of wiki pages because as soon as he has a weird idea, like do elephants’ teeth fall out, he has to look it up or it’ll bug him all day

so wade being so careful to keep his suit on his body in one piece immediately gets peter interested, it’s like wade stuck a neon sign on his face, peter’s always trying to catch a glimpse, any time wade gets hit, any time there’s a flamethrower involved, peter always has eyes on wade

when wade gets part of his mask ripped off his cheek, he doesn’t notice until peter leans over and runs a finger over his exposed skin, wade makes this tiny squeak and jumps, and maybe that’s the moment peter gets butterflies in his stomach


	680. Chapter 680

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can i get more of the peter loving Wade's skin au? please and thank you!"

on the flip side of peter’s curiosity is wade’s rampant paranoia, he’s completely on edge because every time he lets his guard down around peter, something always happens, it surprised the hell out of him when peter actually touched him though, usually people just stare

slowly but surely wade starts realizing that peter isn’t staring out of some sort of horrified fascination, he’s just really trying to get into wade’s pants, and it takes an embarrassingly long time for wade to put it together

the way he kept catching peter staring at his ass when half his suit melted off, the way peter kept suggesting they get something to eat so wade would let his guard down and roll up his mask, the way peter insists on helping wade clean up all his wounds after a battle even though he didn’t really need to, and for some reason (peter) wade always ends up shirtless for that last one


	681. Chapter 681

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, flower shop au

flower shop au where wade has a little place just outside the university and peter is hopelessly in love with him and keeps coming back to buy flowers just so he can see wade, except he’s got a shit ton of flowers he doesn’t know what to do with and keeps dumping them on his friends and aunt may who keep teasing him for his crush

peter overhears wade talking about his favorite flowers, and in a spur of the moment decision, he buys a massive bouquet, and after he pays, he says they’re for wade and runs


	682. Chapter 682

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, flower shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can i have more of that flower shop au? Please and thank you?"

wade seriously gets worried when peter doesn’t show up for a week after the bouquet, but he knows peter goes to the university because he uses his student discount, so taking a chance, wade starts going down to the campus for his lunches, even if the food is bad and expensive

lucky for wade, he ran right into peter who started babbling and turned bright red, and that’s when wade realized ah fuck he’s adorable, so wade is the one that ends up asking peter out instead and may keeps making jokes about how relived she is that she doesn’t have to buy any more vases


	683. Chapter 683

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter gets his aunt’s new number and texts her asking if she wants him to pick up ice cream, except its a wrong number and since it’s wade’s new burner phone, he’s pretty sure this is a wrong number or some kind of code, but wade being wade tells peter to pick up twelve different kinds of ice cream

peter can only find eight, but he brings them to aunt may, to her complete confusion, peter and wade get into a text fight, and wade saves peter’s number, he also keeps the phone

wade never tells peter who he is, but sometimes he’ll just send memes or pictures of where he’s at, usually to make peter jealous because italy looks really nice this time of year

except wade fucks up one day and sends peter a picture of his pizza, at a pizza place in new york that peter recognizes, so he hops on his bike and gets down there as fast as he can, and he calls wade and in his creepiest voice says “i found you”

which turns out not to be a great thing, because wade immediately whips around and pulls a knife on peter who kinda falls flat on his back following his spider sense, they talk it out and peter ends up staying to help wade finish his pizza


	684. Chapter 684

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Peter is venomous if he where to bite anyone else they would die but for some reason his venom temporarily heals wade every time Peter bites him but each rescaring is less than it was before after the 25 time wade is fully healed from both scars and cancer"

peter didn’t really have a reason to bite anybody before, so like, when he and wade are together, and peter learns he really likes biting wade in bed, it kinda comes as a surprise when wade woke up one morning with patchy stubble where his hair once was and no open sores on his fingers and toes

wade and peter of course freak out because neither of them knows whats going on, and wade won’t let anybody with a medical degree near him so they don’t know how to figure out what’s going on, until peter bites an apple funny and comes away with green ooze leaking out of his tooth

and then more panic

eventually they put two and two together and after some “bedroom science” which wade finds out is not actually as fun as it sounds, figure out that for whatever reason peter’s venom specifically inhibits the growth of cancerous cells so that when wade’s all venomed up his healing factor can actually outpace his cancer, which is why his skin has been clearing up and his hair has been growing back

peter hits up dr. connors since he’s back after the last episode he had, and they spend a year flying around the world looking for spiders with venom similar enough to peter’s to work, and end up making breakthrough cancer research

wade ends up shaving his hair off anyways because peter keeps saying it’s weird to see him with hair, and like, hair takes _so much_ effort


	685. Chapter 685

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "what are wade's thoughts about venom? does he try to woo the symbiote too? get into it's good graces so he can stay with spidey?"

i like to think of venom as like a judgy sibling that wasn’t on board with the relationship at the beginning but eventually warms up to the idea after a long and petty mostly passive aggressive rivalry

like for the most part wade tries to get along with venom, since venom and peter are sort of the same person sometimes, it’s complicated

but he’s still kind of an ass and always carries a little squirt gun when he wants to bug venom, peter secretly thinks it’s hilarious because he can feel venom just getting so fucking mad and wade seems to be the only one that can rile up venom like that

but they get along too, they fight well together and recently wade figured out that venom and peter are strong enough to literally throw him, so to peter’s annoyance and venom’s delight, wade’s new move is literally just jumping at venom and screaming throw me, and then hurtling towards their enemies like a spiked cannonball, venom thinks it’s the best thing ever


	686. Chapter 686

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is a hopeless romantic and showers Peter with gifts in the week of Valentine’s Day. Peter loves it, but still lightly scolds Wade for spending so much money. They both know he isn’t actually mad, and Peter treasures each thing, whether it be a diamond ring in the shape of a spider or a Crunch Wrap Supreme."

peter is one of those people that has a mild hoarding problem, but the kind that he hides in several boxes in his garage, like he’s just got boxes and boxes of absolute junk because he treasures the memories behind them, like the first time he and wade ate out together, peter kept the receipt

and the tickets to the first movie they saw together, and he dried and kept the first flowers wade got him, and the second and third and seventh bouquets too, they literally turn to dust in the box


	687. Chapter 687

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where a black tally mark appears on your skin every time someone you love dies. Wade dies a lot. People see Peter and think he’s had many more loved ones die than he actually has. He doesn’t know how to explain that his boyfriend doesn’t stay dead."

poor peter, he’d have to wear long sweaters and pants all the time just to avoid people looking at him like he’s a family reunion plane crash survivor, and wade feeling both elated when peter admits he loves him and really guilty because peter had to start covering up his tallys for work, his boss said it was too depressing, so peter quit as soon as he could and got a better job

aunt may had to be told right away so she wouldn’t worry, wade took some getting used to, but he and may go to poker night with her friends together now and make a killing

peter always ends up worrying when wade’s gone for a while, he ends up in front of the mirror counting tallys to make sure wade’s ok


	688. Chapter 688

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Glad to see you back! Can I get more of the tally mark AU? How did peter react when it first started happening? What if he didn’t even realize that he loved wade? Would he, like, call everyone to check up on them?"

oh man the initial panic when peter wakes up with a fifth tally on his arm right next to the others, he calls everyone he knows, he even runs to may’s house when she doesn’t answer right away to make sure she’s ok, he’s panicking and can’t figure out who’s dead

he thinks ok maybe it was a friend from elementary school or that dog he had to give away years ago because may wouldn’t let him keep it in their tiny apartment, maybe it was a mistake, mistakes happen, right

but then it happens again and he goes through the whole thing all over again, peter’s sanity can’t take this much longer, if he had health insurance he’d go to the doctor and see if his …tally mark gland?,, is working right

but instead he just keeps reading the obituaries and keeps low key worrying

it isn’t until he’s fighting alongside wade and wade takes a bullet to the brain for him that he puts two and two together, after making sure wade was ok, peter ran home and counted all his tallys, and just like he thought, there was an extra one on his shoulder

peter has a bit of a panic trying to figure out what that meant for him, does he like wade? does he like like wade??? it takes him a while to get his feelings sorted out

actually he goes to may for advice, he tells it all in half truths, but it was enough to say he had this friend that is sort of immortal and every time he dies, another mark shows up, may is mostly just relieved for peter, but the longer peter talks the more she could see that he had a thing for this “friend” and was too dense to admit it, because peter did the same thing in high school, and in college, and at work, he’s not great at feelings

so may gives peter his wake up call and peter goes to find wade, except he kinda draws a blank when he finds him, so instead he asks so like when you die do you like go into a coma or what, except that doesn’t get him too far either because wade is suuuuuper suspicious when anybody wants to know how his healing factor works

after going in circles for a while, peter gets frustrated and pulls up his sleeve and starts just naming off days, last tuesday, three weeks ago on friday night, four weeks ago on saturday morning three times, thanks for that, and yesterday when you jumped in front of that gun

and wade is kinda well speechless, he never expected that, he doesn’t have too many people that tolerate him, but love?, that just, he never expected that

so yeah he feels bad about all the marks and tries really hard to stay alive from now on, he’s got someone counting their marks for him after all


	689. Chapter 689

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Just thought of a terrible consequence of the tally mark AU. >_< Poor Peter will start to disregard any new tally marks, beyond asking Wade what happened next time he sees him... so if someone else he loves dies..."

why…..why would you……do this…..to…..me…….

like it’s timed perfectly with one of wade’s big missions, he’s out of town for a while and peter finds another new mark on his leg, he worries a little, of course, but it’s the only one he’s gotten in the two weeks wade’s been gone, there’s no real reason to panic

and then wade comes back, all happy and proud that he didn’t die once

and peter panics, he calls everybody he knows, his aunt is out of town and he can’t get a hold of her, and harry is out of the country and didn’t update his cell phone coverage, and mj is at her job and can’t pick up, and gwen is in the middle of classes and won’t pick up, and there’s an excuse for everybody, wade helps him hack into shield the way tony taught him and use satellite tracking to make sure everybody is ok

as it turns out, wade was time traveling again, and ended up dying in the present, so, crisis averted, but for a while peter is still pretty paranoid about his marks


	690. Chapter 690

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> deadpool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How do tally marks effect Ellie?"

oh boy

so ellie doesn’t really have any connection to wade for the first few years of her life, she’s in elementary school when there’s a SHIELD security breach and her mom has to reveal a lot more than she wanted

ellie never actually met wade, but she started developing a relationship with him in her head anyways, started making up stories about what he was like and started imagining what he’d be like in real life, she cared about him

and then one day she woke up with two tally marks on her arm, her mom had to call the school and look online to make sure all of her friends were ok, they couldn’t figure out what was wrong, they tried doctors and psychologists and no one knew what was going on, until late one night ellie was up watching deadpool fighting a monster downtown on live tv, and when he got crushed into the ground, she noticed a new mark on her leg


	691. Chapter 691

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter making sure to talk to wade's boxes everyday through wade. he's trying to be more mindful of wade's mental illnesses, and he's noticed that the voices are nicer to wade (or at least seem to be) once peter's scolded them and then made nice with them. it always calms wade down at the end of every day to have peter laying next to him, usually playing xbox, and offhandedly chatting with the boxes. wade finds it pretty funny how shy the boxes still get when peter addresses them directly."

it’s totally weird at first for everybody involved, but honestly it helps, having peter sit down and dissect why the boxes are usually wrong or just plain unhelpful gives wade a way of fighting back and feeling better about himself, it kinda stops them in their tracks


	692. Chapter 692

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey so ya'know the usual biker trope where 1 is like sweet and never been on a motorcycle b4 and the other is like a badass biker so like that but Peter is the Biker and Wade is the guy half in love at first sight (also like Peter calling his bike Venom is my new favourite thing tbh) -Madds"

so when peter says he wants a motorcycle aunt may says not unless he’s going to be safe about it, so peter takes all the safety classes and learns how to ride one and may takes him shopping so he’s got just a massive stack of leather riding clothes in his closet, and he gets his license

and peter being peter gets an old bike from somewhere and fixes it up himself, paint job and everything, it’s his baby and he calls it venom bc he’s a dork

wade doesn’t get to ride motorcycles too often bc after the last few he crashed, no one is willing to give him a license, and then one day he sees peter drive up to the place he’s at and wade is caught between being severely jealous and totally in love with peter

and since he’s a huge dork as well he has to tell peter that his bike is badass, and then peter takes off his helmet and wade forgets what he was going to say


	693. Chapter 693

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade are both planning to propose, except they both know they’re both going to propose and start fighting to be the first to propose

which means peter jumps out the nearest window and works late every time he smells wade cooking something amazing, and wade has paid off all the flower shops in town to tell him when peter stops by, and peter and wade both have their respective rings under lock and key so the other can’t sabotage it

it’s been like this for weeks and the police have been called twice


	694. Chapter 694

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade doesn’t actually realize that peter is shorter than him for like the first two years they’ve known each other

it’s not entirely intentional, but like peter’s kinda bitter about being short and ends up swinging around in the air or attached to walls and ceilings, so like he’s never actually just stood on the ground next to wade

but god when he does wade notices immediately and peter near punches wade in the face for mentioning it


	695. Chapter 695

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

wade and peter get drunk off their asses at an avengers party and since nobody is watching them, they get the fantastic idea to go on a patrol together, wade tries out peter’s web shooters and loses an arm, peter almost calls 911 before wade reminds him he’s invincible

they run into rhino and end up accidentally defeating him, which neither of them notice until later when they’re playing darts with webs and knives in a densely populated area and peter suddenly remembers


	696. Chapter 696

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Au that Peter has a little brother and he doesnt want wade to meet him at first bc of wades #pottymouth but then wade ends up being like rlly good with kids and he likes asks him all these questions about animals and like the little brother just loves him and thinks he’s so cool"

it’s something peter puts off for a long time, and he drills into wade every single thing he can’t do around his brother, no swearing, no sex talk, yes wade badass is still a bad word, no guns, no knives, no shoptalk, no super hero identity, and it goes on

peter turns into a nervous wreck bc he’s always the one looking out for his brother and what if this is a terrible idea and something happens

and peter is just so so wrong, because wade is great with kids, peter’s brother adores wade and by the time they leave, he’s already drawn wade three pictures and made him a macaroni necklace, peter’s more in love with wade than when they left that morning


	697. Chapter 697

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, online dating au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter and wade match on tinder. identity porn ensues."

peter has no faith in himself and finally just makes a tinder account after mj’s wheedling, wade finds it easier to date not face to face for as long as possible, and lie, it is so much easier to lie

wade swipes right on literally everybody so peter doesn’t really stand out at first, peter swipes right on wade because the profile made him laugh, and ya know…. he looks hot in the picture

then they start talking and peter doesn’t get scared off with the first round of crazy, in fact they get on like a house on fire, peter is always grinning at his phone, so much in fact that may asked him if he’d met somebody

it’s around this time that wade winds up staying in new york for a while while he’s got a deal with shield, since spiderman is his favorite hero, he takes to following peter’s example and going on patrols

peter and wade end up meeting a lot on peter’s patrols and after the whole bit where wade ruined peter’s dramatic entrance, they work pretty well together, fighting, quiping, and just constantly chattering like best friends, they get on like, well still like a house on fire

this is the first time peter’s ever dated online so he’s pretty hesitant about meeting wade in person, and wade always finds excuses to get out of it, but eventually it starts being a thing and it’s getting really frustrating

about this time spiderman and deadpool have started hanging out every week and wade gives peter his temporary number in case he needs help

except when peter goes home and enters the number in his phone, it’s already saved under wade’s name


	698. Chapter 698

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i know you just postet it but pls~ write more tinder au"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "Can you please continue the tinder short? I want to see that confrontation! Lol”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oooh, can you continue the tinder story?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “MORE TINDER PORN, PLEASE! I really want to know what happens next! :D”

peter actually stops talking to wade for a while, he’s not sure whether or not he wants to continue a relationship with someone like wade, but then he sits down and really thinks about it and comes to the conclusion that he likes wade, and he’s gotten along with deadpool for almost as long, and it was really reassuring to be able to put a face to the name, he also maybe knew why wade kept putting off the date for so long

so he gets back on tinder and says that he wants to meet, no getting around it, and wade tries to make excuses, and peter just says look if you’re lying about the picture I’m p sure half the people on here do too, i can handle it

and wade does his whole, everybody says that but i’m really really bad looking, like you’d run away screaming bad, and peter says buddy i had six arms for a week once, there’s not a lot that’s worse than that, and wade thinks he’s joking but he eventually agrees

and wade shows up in the shadiest looking outfit ever, which is how peter knows it’s him, and after the initial awkwardness, they end up having a lot of fun, wade breaks them into an arcade later and peter ends up being the one that hears the sirens first and gets them out in time

they end up going to a bar and getting a little tipsy, which is just the encouragement peter needs to take the lead, the rest of the night goes great, which is why they end up at peter’s house, in peter’s bed

which is how in the morning wade accidentally stumbles upon peter’s costume


	699. Chapter 699

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "I swear you do this on purpose! Lol. Can you please do a continuation of the continuation of the tinder post? Please!! 😄🙂"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oh my God I need wades reaction to the suit in the tinder AU”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “more tinder au pleaseeee”

wade doesn’t take it well, he grabs his stuff and runs, stops contacting peter, avoids spiderman, he feels betrayed in a way, spiderman isn’t supposed to be just some guy, and he’s certainly not supposed to be an awkward dork that’s interested in wade, it just feels wrong, and he feels angry

peter panics bc he thinks he did something wrong and this was just after he decided he wanted a serious relationship with wade, but wade just never calls

wade goes out of town for half a year, actually he goes out of the country, takes on some jobs just to keep him busy, long enough that by the time he gets back, peter is angry

peter keeps hacking into shield and keeping an ear out for wade when he’s patrolling, if wade’s gonna ditch him after everything, then peter’s gonna beat an apology out of him if that’s what it takes

so when peter’s just walking down the street, he nearly trips when he sees wade huddled in a corner next to a chili dog cart, in his civvies, peter’s brain doesn’t catch up with him until after he’s walked right up to wade and said hey asshole

as mad as peter is, wade apologizes and peter can’t stay mad, so they pick right back up where they left off, and neither of them thinks to mention they know about the other’s superhero identity until they both wake up at three am to a shield alert and put on each other’s suits by accident


	700. Chapter 700

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "The avengers find out that Peter and wade are dating and they have some issues with it mainly Steve Tony's ok with it cause wade makes Peter happy in a way that the man hasn't been in a long time nat decides to follow them one night it was a normal patrol followed by raunchy rooftop sex that lasted for several hours. (Natasha left the moment suits started to come off)"

eh i honestly think steve would have a better time of it than tony just because he’s got a better understanding of wade’s own history and why he did what he did, but like the avengers are like peters older siblings/weird aunts and uncles/surrogate parental figures all mashed together, so like of course they want to look out for him

and wade is uh not the best when it comes to the whole meet the parents part of the relationship, there were many poorly timed jokes and there may or may not have been an insinuation that they’ve seen each other naked, which went over as well as you would expect

and peter’s like the baby of the family, even if he is a grown ass adult and can make poor decisions all on his own thank you very much, so the avengers get really suspicious and send nat to do some reconnaissance, and maybe stab wade between the eyes if he does anything wrong

but she can’t fucking do it, she has to listen to peter and wade sweet talking each other _constantly_ , they sound like an old married couple and act like a pair of horny teenagers, it’s entirely too sickening and she bails as soon as the suits start to come off, they’re perfect for each other


	701. Chapter 701

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Something happens (a battle or a malfunction of some tech device) and wade's voices gain physical form. He may be relieved at first until he realizes he has to keep an eye on them to make sure they don't fuck anything up or ruin some other poor bastard's life. Luckily spider-man, (who's always had some kind of mystical sway over yellow and white) is there to help. (P.s I love your writing and you! You absolutely fabulous! ❤)"

since yellow and white kind of serve as wade’s own negative views of himself and his worse impulses, they still hang around him constantly, they’re just free to fuck up whatever they want now, and surprisingly it’s even harder to ignore them when they’re standing there poking him in the face and saying hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

wade is definitely struggling by the time spiderman shows up, wade’s at his wits end since he can’t kill either of them (healing factor) and they won’t leave him alone, peter puts on his very best patented i’m-very-disappointed-in-you-young-man aunt may face and basically scolds them for being assholes, which, weirdly enough, actually sort of works

they’re still terrible and someone keeps setting things on fire when they’re not looking, but it’s more manageable when peter’s there to tell them to knock it off, wade still wants to kill them, but peter says maybe they just need to get a life of their own so they’ll get out of wade’s

one trip through the local community college, the mall, a closed chocolate shop and the zoo later, they did get a life, in prison, which is where they all ended up when they finally got the bus yellow and white hijacked to stop

peter was eventually forced to admit that ok maybe since they aren’t real people they aren’t actually capable of change, or maybe that was just because he was so pissed off that he gave up on them, either way they had to go

they hunted down dr. strange and finally got wade’s boxes back where they came from, which still sucked, but at least being told you’re a failure is less worse than being told you’re a failure and being kicked in the gut

one thing wade did get out of the whole debacle was a little confidence, it’s hard to take somebody seriously when you watched them get drunk, strip naked, set themselves on fire, and then fall asleep in the kitchen sink, small mercies


	702. Chapter 702

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade calls Peter out of the blue one day and tells him there are hits out on all the avengers including him Peter price is 12 million dollars followed by the rest of them at 5 million dollars each so Peter asks if he want to fake his death and make some money the avengers think that wade is actually killing Peter and they get hurt in a way wade earns a lot of money"

ok but that would be an amazing conversation, like wade finds peter and tells him that he and all the avengers have prices on their heads and so hey how about we fake your death and retire early, and peter is immediately like no we are not-, 12 million, so do we need like fake blood or?

lets face it peter is still up to his ears in student debt and would absolutely fake his own death for 12 million, hell so would i


	703. Chapter 703

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg omg. How does peter fake his death? How do the avengers react? What about May? Does he come back into the public light after they collect the 12 million? This sounds amazing!"

so assuming may knows at this point, bc she’d know p quick about peter’s secret identity

i feel like he’d try to ok it with may first, she’d be pretty hesitant about the whole thing, but like 12 goddamn million is a lot of money, and in the end she helps them out, she calls up an old friend of hers, a guy that became a mortician, who also ah almost got caught for identity theft, he owes her a favor

the avengers are concerned of course, they’re not sure how spiderman was killed and everybody goes on red alert until they can figure out who killed him, it’s kind of a whole event and peter feels bad watching the press conference

peter literally just makes a new suit and comes right back after wade gets the money, he calls himself the man-spider now, it’s absolutely ridiculous and the avengers end up catching the guy with the bounties on superheros before wade and peter run into any repercussions

of course when he brings back the spiderman suit he’s got some amazing new tech upgrades, and aunt may gets a new house


	704. Chapter 704

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade somehow gets a hold of one of peter’s old spider suits, or at least a very good replica, and makes peter mad af by going around and just generally being a fucking nuisance in his semi-good name

and peter is pissed off bc who is this jackass that is surprisingly good at evading him and keeps winning drinking contests and getting banned from bars, not that peter ever drinks in costume


	705. Chapter 705

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade turns the tables on peter and rigs up a pulley system in the kitchen early one morning so when peter got up to make sure nothing was on fire when it suddenly got very very quiet, wade swooped down and gave peter a spiderman kiss, peter thought it was the funniest damn thing and giggled about it over his morning coffee


	706. Chapter 706

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, nsfw

so apparently some spiders can see ultraviolet light, more specifically they need uv illumination to get it on

so like peter, with stripes and markings on his body that reflect or glow under uv light, that only he can see bc humans can’t see uv light

and he learns p early on to avoid the fuck out of black lights after one of his classmate’s birthday parties is held at a bowling alley, and as soon as the black lights got flipped on, peter had to fucking run for it unless he wanted to get caught in the bathroom with a boner


	707. Chapter 707

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com), "Can we have more, please?"

poor peter, he’s got to be extra careful after that to avoid black lights, and he starts to attract spiders, because to spiders he’s like a glowing beacon, that takes him a lot of getting used to

for the most part it’s not that big of a problem, he just avoids bowling alleys and skips biology class the one day he sees a black light in the room, also he never goes out on halloween, so that’s kind of a downer

and then one day, it is a problem

he and wade were looking for mysterio, who may or may not actually have hostages like his threatening video broadcast had said, but when they found the layer, it was completely covered in black lights, because of course it is

and since peter doesn’t really want to fight crime and save hostages while sporting a boner in skin tight spandex, he asked wade if he’d be able to do this one alone, which wade of course found really weird

and when peter tried explaining himself, wade got the wrong idea and now thinks black lights are peter’s kryptonite

which is why wade yelled and jumped on top of peter when the black lights at the yearly avenger’s halloween party went up, and that’s also how he found out that peter wasn’t exactly telling the truth about the black lights the first time around

peter was ready to break a plexiglass window and just jump


	708. Chapter 708

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [fernandothefox](https://fernandothefox.tumblr.com/), "Hello! I’ve kinda been haunting your blog for a while, and i have like an idea for the continuation of one post! So like it was with UV lights and Peter having markings, and like, how aboso-fucking-lutly cool would that be!! Like he does some type of dance or he just like shows off too Wade, and they like glow green or something! And the markings are everywhere but more on his chest, arms, and calfs/feet! Idk i just find this concept really cool!"

i like to think he’s got stripes on his arms and legs and sides, maybe his back or chest glows all one color

ever since peter told him about them, wade’s been dying to see his stripes, it’s kind of a hugely embarrassing thing for peter, so it takes a lot of begging on wade’s part

eventually peter gives in and buys a blacklight, wade thinks it’s the coolest fucking thing ever, peter starts explaining how uv colors on spiders help them show off when they do their little dances, so of course wade takes that as an invitation

they’re swaying slowly in their bedroom while peter shines like a glow stick, of course peter gets hard, so wade says, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, which makes peter laugh so hard it hurts


	709. Chapter 709

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool

peter as a kid before his parents pass away who gets saved by deadpool who just happened to be in the right place at the right time

and peter just decides that wade is the best person ever and gets in fights with other kids at school that keep saying wade is a villain, like sure he knows what wade has done, but he got it into his head that deadpool is different now

he doesn’t see deadpool again until after he moves in with his aunt and uncle, peter runs out one night with a flashlight and a jacket because he wants to visit his parents’ graves, but he ends up getting lost and running into deadpool

wade’s p fucking confused when this little kid runs up to him and wraps him in a massive hug, like he looks like he’s actually happy to see wade, peter explains that he got lost and wade, instead of taking peter home or dumping him at the nearest police station, takes peter to the cemetery first and then calls the cops and disappears, he also accidentally taught peter three new bad words and made may and ben sick with worry about peter

when peter’s in high school and gets his powers, after he watches ben die, peter hasn’t quite learned the skill of not giving yourself away and sometimes climbs up buildings just to sit on the edge and think, which is where deadpool runs into him and almost sends them both over the edge

peter’s been considering giving up the mask since it hasn’t really seemed to do him or anyone else any good, and he blames himself for what happened to ben, wade sticks around mostly out of surprise after peter asks for an autograph

wade says you know i’m not the good guy right, and peter just shrugs because honestly he’s not sure what the line is between bad guys and good guys right now

they end up talking, and peter decides that being a hero means just trying to do the right thing, and for him that means doing what he can to help, which means keeping the suit

wade soon finds he has a pint sized hero following him around, which makes it hard to do anything since this kid has no sense of self preservation and does not know how to fight, like fuck’s sake he did not sign up to be a babysitter


	710. Chapter 710

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

when peter makes a deal with venom, it seems to work out for the both of them, for the most part

peter has to keep himself from reflexively using sign when he and venom are superheroing, it maybe wasn’t the best idea to let venom say whatever they want as spiderman, since venom is generally pretty off putting

it’s probably the teeth, or the tongue, or the drooling, or the black ooze, or the hissing, or anything else venom does

wade’s the only one that rolls with venom’s weirdness and doesn’t seem to mind when venom pulls weird shit like growing an extra arm to take something from wade when they’re hanging on the side of a wall

peter and venom both kinda like having wade around, but peter’s getting frustrated because he wants to talk to wade too, and venom isn’t exactly great at saying what peter wants them to say

well as luck would have it, peter and venom got caught superheroing out in a rainstorm, so they were hunkered down out of the rain, venom was pouting so when wade found them, venom decided to be petty and not say anything

peter got fed up and accidentally started signing, and to his surprise, wade signed right back, now he and venom take turns talking to wade, who just thinks peter has a really hard time staying on track


	711. Chapter 711

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, pet groomer au

wade has an internet famous cat, like he’s a lonely fuck with three hobbies and one of them is his cat, he dotes on her constantly which is how his blog started in the first place, and like she’s already a ham in front of the camera so everybody loves her

and peter is an avid fan, he buys the merch kind of dedication, and it’s probably because he’s such an animal lover, he’s working as a pet groomer to pay for college so he can become a vet

and then the blog goes quiet for a few days when wade and his cat move, and peter walks into work the next day reading about how wade’s upset he has to find a new groomer and everything now

and then he looks up, and sees The Cat, in the waiting room, they moved to fucking new york and that is The Cat

after peter squashes down his minor freak out, he absolutely begs his boss to let him take this one, and they give in, but only because wade is one of those customers

wade is actually kind of amazing at how perfect the groomers was, the guy, peter, trimmed her coat perfectly and gave her a bow in her favorite color, like that was one hell of a guess

so yeah peter is wade’s new favorite groomer, and the week peter stays home with the flu, he ends up laughing at his computer because wade went in, found out peter wasn’t there, and immediately regretted trusting anyone else since somehow peter’s coworker hadn’t done it “right”, and then blogged about it

when peter goes back to work wade shows up the very next day with a “thank god you’re back” bouquet of flowers, it’s probably when peter realized his bi ass was smitten


	712. Chapter 712

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter, for whatever reason, just fucking hates magic in real life, like he’s got a personal vendetta against people like doctor strange and loki specifically because they call what they do magic, he’s just so stuck on the idea that magic is just a bullshit excuse for advanced science that he gets worked up enough to go on a mini rant every damn time

wade thinks it’s fucking hilarious and goes out of his way to call everything magic, like his teleporting magic, the first time he called it that he could actually see a little piece of peter die on the inside


	713. Chapter 713

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, musician au

wade fell back on plan H which is being a piano salesman, he has a nice store he won in a drunk gamble once upon a time and decided to hide out there in plain sight, it’s so hard to leave the pianos alone, they’re worth about 65k each and it’s like they’re begging to be scribbled on with sharpie

Enter peter who’s just a down on his luck college drop out who got halfway through his music major before he ran out of money and had to go back home to take care of his aunt

peter started playing the piano when he was a kid, back when his parents had an old out of tune piano in his dad’s study, he’d plonk away at the keys and his parents would tell him it sounded beautiful, he’s been playing ever since

sometimes peter passes by this beautiful piano shop on his way to work, the shop is always dark and the pianos inside are guilted and gathering dust

but one night when he was headed home, there was a light on in the shop, and peter out of curiosity tried the door, it was open so he walked inside, it was silent and empty and sitting up on a stage with a single light shining over it was a perfect white piano

wade was stashing stacks of cash in the back room when the most beautiful sound floated over, he was about to go chase out whoever was in his shop, but when he saw peter sitting there, lost in the music, he froze


	714. Chapter 714

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, musician au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can we have more of that piano au ? i love it alot"

wade kinda forgot himself for a while and sat through peter’s whole performance, peter nearly jumped out of his skin when wade started clapping, he was sure he was going to get into trouble

but instead wade offered him a job, a job with really good pay, it was too good to be true, but peter said yes because how could he not

wade mostly comes and goes as he pleases, never wears a suit, and doesn’t actually seem to know anything about pianos, peter isn’t really sure why he got a piano store in the first place, or how he manages to afford it, since they don’t really make any sales, there’s not a huge demand for grand pianos

but as…eccentric…. as wade is, peter thinks he’s great, weird, but generous and kind, when peter mentioned his aunt’s birthday was coming up, wade gave him the day off and had a massive bouquet of flowers delivered to peter’s house

just as peter was starting to get used to things, he came in early morning one day to clean up the store before they opened shop, but something was wrong, the lights in the back were on, but peter could hear whispering, and it wasn’t wade

peter, being peter, crept closer and peaked behind wade’s office door, where two men with guns were rooting around, and in the corner, wade was tied up and gagged

peter immediately threw open the door, kicked one of the guys in the head so hard he dropped like a sack of potatoes, and then launched himself on the other guy and wrestled away his gun

so of course wade takes an interest in peter, normal college dropouts can’t get the jump on trained assassins and come out unscathed, but peter just keeps getting flustered the more attention wade gives him


	715. Chapter 715

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, musician au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [poisonousfruitbowl](https://poisonousfruitbowl.tumblr.com/), "Please continue the piano au!!!!! *puppy eyes*"

wade sticks around a lot more now, they’ve actually gotten a few customers and wade gave peter a bonus for “saving his life”, which peter tried to return, but wade just looked at him and said if he didn’t take the money now, he’d be getting it later tied to a brick and smashing through his bedroom window

peter took the money

wade happened to be around the next time may came to visit, peter got all embarrassed when may straightened peter’s suit and told him how proud she was, peter had been going back to school now that he had the money for it, so may asked for a performance

wade came out of his office to listen, may caught him and introduced herself, and invited him to dinner to say thank you, wade didn’t remember agreeing, but somehow he ended up at may’s house listening to her and peter talking about classical music, which wade knew jack shit about

peter pulled him aside in the middle of dinner and asked wade not to mention the guys with guns because he didn’t want may to worry

peter’s started making piano adaptions of his favorite disney songs, because he played one aladdin song once and suddenly wade burst out of his office, roaring the words as peter played

peter loves wade’s voice, it’s deep and gravely, and even though he’s certainly not the best singer he’s ever heard, it’s fun to have wade sing along, he always gets this stupid smile on his face and sometimes he dances too

peter started playing once upon a dream from sleeping beauty, and wade pulled peter off the piano to dance with him while they both tried humming the song, peter got too flustered and couldn’t remember how the next bit went, wade stopped when he went quiet

peter was suddenly very very aware that he and wade were wrapped around each other in the middle of an empty building, and he could feel his face heating up

peter was trying to come up with an excuse to run when wade leaned down and kissed him, peter melted


	716. Chapter 716

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, akoiromantic peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is akoiromantic and due to miscommunication, he thinks wades attraction to him is only sexual and he is totally fine with it but when wade starts reciprocating romantic feelings and gestures more frequently peter straight up yeets out that bitch and wade now has to deal with the heartbreak"

yissss, esp if wade is still coming out of his whole denial phase, and just gives himself a pass bc it’s spiderman, but he’s totally in love with the guy and peter keeps taking it as wade’s just physically attracted to him which is a ok, and he values wade as a friend, but then wade starts making it weird, even though wade’s actually trying his hardest to keep peter around since he thinks they’re in a romantic relationship and really really doesn’t want it to fail, and eventually peter just gets too uncomfortable and bails ship

which makes everybody unhappy all around, peter feels shitty since he liked being with wade without the whole romantic bit, like wade was one of his best friends and now things are weird, and wade feels like crap bc another one of his relationships failed and he has no idea why

and neither of them talk about it because they’re both emotionally stunted idiots, and it takes wade seeing peter’s akio pride flag and looking it up to put two and two together, after which they have a long conversation in which wade explains that he’s poly, and peter is totally cool with wade looking for romantic/sexual partners while they’re together and so wade is totally jazzed bc he’s dating death and spiderman, two of the hottest people in existence, it’s fucking awesome


	717. Chapter 717

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "An au where Wade and Wanda are the transfer students at Peter's school. They're absolute clowns but Wanda is determined to make Peter laugh."

wade and wanda are ride or die siblings, they’ve been jointly kicked out of at least three schools and this is kind of their last chance

peter is kind of a quiet kid, he stays in the back and doesn’t talk much, he likes staying out of the way, that plan all goes to hell the day wade and wanda show up, he gets stuck between them in trig and accidentally gets stuck in detention with them when wanda launched herself across peter’s desk to punch her brother in the face

they apologize to peter who says it’s fine and spends the whole hour doing homework and ignoring them, wanda spent the whole hour trying to do something stupid enough to make peter laugh, he didn’t look up once

after that it becomes wanda’s soul purpose in life to make peter laugh, which means that wade, who is totally supportive of his sister, and wanda suddenly become attached to peter at the hip, peter would like to die now please

peter keeps rolling his eyes at all their antics, but he ends up being happy about having them around, school has been a lot more fun ever since they arrived, just yesterday they talked peter into distracting one of the security guards so they could steal a set of keys and sneak up onto the roof, peter skipped all his classes that day so they could sit on the roof and mess around, it was awesome

wanda was getting more and more desperate since peter just doesn’t laugh, she’s gotten a few chuckles and smirks, but no big laugh out loud moments, wade’s dying on the inside because wanda doesn’t seem to realize that she likes peter and he doesn’t wanna be the one to tell her

wanda finally gets peter to laugh when she sits down next to him one day and challenges him to an arm wrestling match, loser buys lunch, and peter just breaks, starts laughing so hard he can’t breathe, and in the middle of it all he gets out “that’s how you ask somebody out?” and wanda goes red bc one, holy shit peter is cute when he laughs, and two, holy shit she did just ask peter out


	718. Chapter 718

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

a fic from ellie’s pov where her dads suck at keeping their alter egos secret but she takes pity on them and pretends not to know, she also helps keep the secret because peter and wade suck at coming up with excuses


	719. Chapter 719

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

wade has decided to give up his motorcycle after adopting ellie bc he has to get an actual car for her and ends up with a minivan that he hates, he sells the bike to peter who is a mechanic and makes it like 10x better and wade sees him with the bike and is like wow how did u do that, and when wades about to leave he complains about his car making a funny noise and peter offers to check it out for him


	720. Chapter 720

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, angst

ellie and her mom get caught in a shooting and ellie is the only survivor bc she regenerated, wade finds out about it and kidnaps her to keep her safe, he and ellie don’t always get along and she’s p shaken by all that’s happened and she blames wade for everything and he encourages that bc he already blamed himself, in an emergency wade dumps ellie on spidey while he hunts down the guys following them, and ellie starts realizing that wade isn’t all bad bc spiderman actually has some nice things to say about him


	721. Chapter 721

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade goes undercover as a flight attendant to nab his mark, peter is flying out for a science conference with his fellow chem major nerds, peter may have laughed a little too loud when wade gave his spin on the safety talk, gwen and his other friends egged him on, so peter ended up talking to wade who turned up the charm to 12, which made peter a blushing wreck, which wade thought was adorable, gwen handed wade peter’s number on their way out and told him to call Peter the next time he’s in New York


	722. Chapter 722

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, titanic au, time travel au

wade is a time traveler going back to sail on the titanic in order to hunt down and assassinate a time traveling hydra scientist, peter is from the time period, he’s traveling with a “dear friend” who’s paying for peter’s trip back to new york to see his aunt, in exchange he basically does everything his “friend” asks for

peter and wade meet by chance and fall into a whirlwind romance, peter’s “friend” finds out about it and tries to get rid of wade, which really throws a wrench in the whole plan

wade almost goes down with the ship, but instead manages to strangle his mark to death, unfortunately he was too late to save peter, who had gotten stuck in the lower rooms looking for wade

wade goes back in time just far enough to snatch peter right as he’s getting on board and delay him enough so that he misses the titanic, and then he disapears


	723. Chapter 723

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade rarely calls Peter 'Peter'. Usually it's baby boy, Petey, or one of his cutesy pet names. The only times he ever uses 'Peter' is when he's shouting it during their naked fun times or when Peter is lying in his arms, bleeding out."

lets go with angst today

wade doesn’t really call peter “peter” too much, the first time peter heard him use it was when he first took off the mask and peter gave him a hug, he said “thanks peter”

the second time was when peter first had to watch wade die, peter couldn’t get to wade in time because he was being torn apart in midair, wade yelled at him not to worry, that he’d be back soon

the third time was when he first told peter that he loved him

the fourth was when he introduced peter and ellie, they got on pretty well after he took her for a ride around town

the fifth was when peter proposed, and wade said “peter, you’d better not be shitting me”

the sixth was when peter was in the hospital room in a coma, he’d taken one too many hits to the head and nobody was sure if he’d make it or not, or even if he’d ever regain consciousness

the seventh was after the funeral, when wade dug back up the coffin to lay the spiderman suit to rest with peter, wade had to say goodbye one last time


	724. Chapter 724

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, office au

peter and wade both work in the same company, peter in IT and wade is a freelance translator, peter has a massive crush on wade and he’s incredibly bad at hiding it, he purposefully gets himself assigned to foreign branch work so that he has an excuse to call up wade all the time

wade is just stupidly oblivious and seems to be the only person that doesn’t know about peter’s crush, he’s getting kind of confused that peter hasn’t picked up like anything at this point, he’s still calling in wade to translate bonjour, which is sad, so he offers to help peter out with some language lessons for a small fee, peter breaks into his savings because this is so much more important than an xbox


	725. Chapter 725

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade chases a bad guy into a taffy factory and gets stuck in the giant taffy pull, peter works nights there as a security guard and finds wade first, since he recognizes wade from their team ups, he helps wade get out without being seen

ever since, wade shows up from time to time during peter’s shift, peter doesn’t actually know how he keeps getting into the building, or why he spends the whole time just talking to peter, but he’s started looking forward to it every night

but then wade stops showing up for a week straight, so peter puts on his mask and starts looking for wade himself


	726. Chapter 726

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I need more taffy au oml"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More of the taffy AU pretty please with a cherry on top?”

it’s not easy, looking for wade, hardly anybody knows anything about him, and when peter shows up in his bright superhero outfit, people are even less willing to say anything

peter hates that he remembers wade telling him that he’s just not scary, he can be intimidating! he can punch through concrete! that’s scary… right?

so peter keeps looking, by sheer luck, he stumbles upon the hellhouse and for some reason, as soon as he asks about wade, there’s suddenly a lot of interest in what he’s got to say

unfortunately weasel isn’t talking without an incentive, and peter’s fed up because he’s fucking broke, luckily weasel is willing to make a deal, except the deal is he’s gotta get everybody in the hellhouse to believe he and wade are together by the end of the month, weasel takes some weird bets

peter is just tired, so he says ok, as it turns out, wade was just on a mission, but he was happy to see spiderman turn up, even if he was a little confused

but now peter’s got two weeks to convince wade to fake date him to get weasel money, and he’s definitely procrastinating, but it is nice to see wade at the factory again


	727. Chapter 727

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE PLZ EVEN MORE TAFFY AU ILL GIVE YOU MY GOOD ARM"

so peter’s trying to figure out how to go about this, he doesn’t have assassins on his tail demanding money so he’s gotta do something, but like this is wade, he once watched the guy cut off his own arm and then use it to slap a guy into submission, he’s not sure how “hey can i fake date you to win a bet” would go over

so he takes it to wade himself, peter was just talking to wade during his security guard job while wade stole taffy, and wade mentioned spiderman, and peter basically asked how he felt about the guy

half an hour of wade waxing poetic about peter’s alter ego left peter stewing in his own guilt, wade genuinely liked spiderman, so peter can’t just go let’s date but as a joke, he didn’t want to hurt wade’s feelings, so he worries himself sick over it for a whole day before he has an epiphany

he just has to real date wade


	728. Chapter 728

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [fernandothefox](https://fernandothefox.tumblr.com), "The Taffy Au!! What if like after Wade and Peter are dating and Peter wins he date and they continue dating and Wade finds out and he like “so its fake” and peters like “actually no bc i wanted to date you but i have self confidence issues and also a procrastinator and this bet made me actually do something about my feelings the moneys just a bonus honestly “ and wade is like “omfg r u srs right now, we could have been dating earlier if you just asked” and then he doesn’t talk to peter until a week later peter sings out side his window about love, taffy, and wade with two giant bags of taffy and honestly Wades already in love."

so after they start dating and swing by the hellhouse together in costume, peter still tries to keep wade from finding out about the bet, but then weasel goes and announces it to the whole place, and peter is trying to look as inconspicuous as possible while weasel slides him a drink on the house as thanks

wade storms out and peter chases after him and tries to explain himself, peter keeps trying to insist that the only reason he did it is because he wanted to date wade anyways, it was just a push in the right direction, but wade just kind of shakes him off and leaves

after almost a week of not being able to find wade, peter decides that he’s gotta make a grand gesture to make up for everything, so he gets two giant bags of reject taffy with his employee discount and won wade’s address off somebody at the hellhouse

peter came in costume and he had this whole speech prepared, which he immediately forgot and had to wing it, he apologized that their relationship started like that, but he is serious and to prove it, he took off the mask

wade very slowly said he didn’t know how he felt about this yet, but he’s feeling a lot, and peter held up the taffy bags and asked if they would help, it did


	729. Chapter 729

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Consider the following: Wade fucking LOVES when his Spider Hubby™ doesn't wear a shirt around the apt, like just Petey in sweats and his binder and Wade just kinda dies of cuteness"

peter pulls off a very particular look called “i just out of bed… again”, wade thinks it’s adorable, may is always telling peter to get a haircut, peter likes it the way it is

and that means on peter’s days off, he just grabs a binder and a pair of sweats and waits on the ceiling while wade toasts eggo waffles for him to catch for breakfast

then later when peter’s caught up in something he’s tinkering with, still on the ceiling, wade will pull him down onto the couch for a lazy day of netflix and cuddling, it’s wade’s favorite kind of day


	730. Chapter 730

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Venom for some odd, entirely inconvenient, reason really REALLY likes Wade. Peter has a hard time fighting baddies and patrolling bc his Wade SenseTM just wont stop going off. All. The. Time. Finally Peter caves and patrols and fights exclusively with Deadpool around bc otherwise venom is a pining symbiote crybaby/ and so he can actually Get Some Shit Done. Irritatingly-Peter develops a huge crush on Wade after his constant observation of him via Venom. And honestly? Wades just happy to be there"

peter doesn’t know how it happened, just that it did, and now he’s got an extra deadpool sense that keeps ringing in his head every time he takes venom out, and it gets really fucking annoying, venom can be very persistent when they want to

so peter gives up fighting and just starts following venom’s deadpool sense every time they go out, sometimes venom is ok with a hello and sometimes they insist on spending all night teaming up with wade

venom is annoying af about the whole thing, and peter doesn’t get why venom is so stuck on the guy, and then peter starts catching feelings from venom and realizing hey this guy is actually pretty ok, and somewhat hot, and really good at fighting, and funny, and nice, and trying to be a better person, and ah _fuck_


	731. Chapter 731

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** you'll understand when you're older

 **Peter:** how...

 **Peter:** how old do you think I am?


	732. Chapter 732

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, murder, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade had seen many things but what terrifies him the most is when Peter is pushed to the point he fights angry"

like it’s peter’s whole deal, he doesn’t kill, he doesn’t maim, he even holds back against his villains when his own life is in danger, and he’s always getting on wade’s case about mercy and second chances, it’s kind of annoying honestly to have peter preaching all the time

peter is also very good at holding his temper, he’s got the patience of a saint, and really wade has only seen him angry exactly one time in his life

peter had been dealing with the green goblin for years now, and had almost died several times, the guy hunted him down time and time again, relentlessly, and when norman figured out peter’s identity, he started hunting down each and every one of peter’s friends and family and slaughtering them one by one

peter and wade had cornered goblin on a rooftop and wade got his head bashed in, so he only woke up in time to see peter standing over goblin’s broken body, wade could tell goblin hadn’t been breathing for a while, there was just so much blood

that night peter said wade had been right, that some people didn’t deserve a second chance, they never mentioned it again, and peter acts like it never happened


	733. Chapter 733

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Pete and Wade are used to sirens at all hours. They can fairly well tell the subtle difference between ambulance, police, and fire. They've both developed a habit of saying "I didn't do it" whenever they notice a siren. Wade's claims are slightly less believable when it's a fire truck or ambulance. Peter's is it's police."

it started because wade accidentally set the building across the street on fire, peter woke up to wade, covered in soot, alarms blaring behind him, crawling in the window at 3am, backlit by a blazing fire

and then wade started doing it to peter for police sirens after j.j. actually made enough people mad to get a police order for spiderman’s arrest, so for about a week, cop cars just kinda followed spiderman around, during which he accidentally caused three major car crashes and stole two dozen weapons from police forces, technically he was just protecting himself, but like what do you do with a pile of guns after that

they both still say “i didn’t do it” even if they really are guilty this time


	734. Chapter 734

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "poor student peter just getting his smaller than a shoe box apartment and having zero furniture except the HUGE WEBS HE MADE FOR A HAMOK AND SHELVES he doesnt let anybody in his room"

he’d totally do it, like it’s cheaper than getting real furniture, and it makes the whole place look so much less depressing, and it satisfies the spider part of his brain that’s always up for small spaces and sleeping suspended in midair

but then he realizes it was maybe not such a great idea bc now he can’t have anybody over, and he’s only got so many excuses to keep people out of his place, he keeps telling his friends it’s a mess or there’s not enough chairs, mj is probably going to break in soon if he doesn’t do something


	735. Chapter 735

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "how do you feel about wade being the bottom/sub in the relationship? (i love your writing <3)"

honestly it’s one of my big headcanons, like he’s already submissive in bed canonically, he loves being the little spoon, he’s all about doing what his partners want, sometimes to an unhealthy level, he’s kind of desperate for any sort of attention

he’d just swoon if peter did like a big romance movie worthy act and swept him off his feet

he’s totally got a thing for people than can manhandle him, he loves peter’s super strength, and i’m sure he’s got plenty of ideas about the webbing


	736. Chapter 736

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter have always been the protective one in their relationships bc powers and healing factor, so when they get together, they end up fighting a lot over who gets to be the protective one


	737. Chapter 737

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewelry store au

wade is a hopeless romantic, he falls fast and hard, and he showers the person he’s dating in flowers and chocolates and gifts, and he will, without fail, end up in the jewelry shop peter works at looking for wedding bands

peter always feels bad when he sees wade, because that means wade’s been dating his partner for about a month and is jumping the gun and proposing

peter always feels bad bc wade always shows up before the end of the week again, looking like a kicked puppy, to return the rings

peter talks a lot to wade since he hangs out in the store so much, honestly he’s a little jealous of all the people wade falls in love with, he was talking to gwen once about how he’d always wanted to date somebody romantic like that, where you know he’s the one within the first week of knowing each other

and then one time when wade was returning his rings, looking like he’d just gotten his soul crushed, peter told him that he’s an amazing boyfriend and he’ll find the right person eventually

so wade kinda latched onto that and decided he’s in love with peter, who spends the whole time being stupidly oblivious and thinking that they’re friends now, so when wade shows up to buy rings for him and peter, peter totally misreads the situation and thinks that wade got a new partner and never said anything, and peter starts acting jealous without realizing it, and wade thinks he’s upset about the rings being too soon, so he tries to take it slower

and peter really slowly comes to realize that he’s totally in love with wade, and wade gives in and says he can’t wait anymore and gives the sweetest speech about how much he loves peter, and peter starts mentally kicking himself bc of course they were dating, and peter hadn’t been enjoying it to the fullest, so he turns down wade and explains it’s bc he didn’t realize they were dating and he’s gotta start over and sweep wade off his feet

which throws wade off bc nobody’s ever tried to woo him


	738. Chapter 738

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, suicide, self harm, murder, angst, depression, dark, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade is one of only four individuals that knows of Peter's darkside that when pushed enough peter loses his grip on his morality and starts to crave pain only may, wade, gwen or mj can cause him to calm down enough to regain himself this is why wade always tries to make Peter laugh and tells Peter hes loved cause when Peter goes evil no one can stop him"

peter has been through a lot for somebody his age, both mentally and physically, and for the longest time he was his own therapist, doctor, friend, and worst enemy

it was during this time, when peter was alone, that he started losing what he values most, his morality, he was pushed over the edge multiple times and he just couldn’t handle it anymore, he cycled through patterns of murderous rampages and intense self loathing

he would break out venom just to have some sort of justification for or separation from his actions, so he could say it’s not me, it’s venom, i didn’t do this, that’s not me

of course when he eventually separated from venom again because of his sheer self loathing and disgust, he’d still be stuck with the memories and guilt, and he’d take it out on himself, he’d be intentionally reckless, make sure he was getting hit more than the bad guys he was fighting

sometimes he’d just step backwards off of skyscrapers and fall, his spider sense always made him stop before he hit the ground, but there was always that little part of him that hoped this time he’d make a mistake

peter stopped talking to may for two years because he couldn’t face her anymore, every time he saw her she’d be asking him how his friends were, people he hadn’t talked to in months, how he’s liking college, which he failed out of and never said, if he’s eating enough, he’s not

he got scared that she’d ask a question he didn’t have an answer to and she’d figure it all out, so he just…. stopped

the same sort of thing happened to all his friends, one by one he’d just stop calling back, and they’d all disappear, and it started to feel more and more like it didn’t really matter whether or not he kept existing

really the only thing that kept him alive was seeing that spiderman suit crumpled in a corner and thinking, maybe tomorrow is the day he saves somebody’s life, at least he can help people that actually have a chance at making a life for themselves

and that was peter’s reality, until he met wade

wade was… unstoppable, peter should know, wade once broke his own arms to get out of peter’s webbing just to continue a conversation

and weirdly enough, wade was nice to be around, he talks so much that peter doesn’t have any time to dwell, it’s the only time he doesn’t feel like absolute shit, and that’s something peter hasn’t had in years, it’s definitely the most he’s laughed in years

and then wade and peter become friends, and when wade starts opening up about his problems, and how he’s dealing with them, and his life and his daughter and just whatever comes into his head, peter starts recognizing that wade’s problems sound a lot like his own problems

so one night when he’s lying awake at 4am wondering how much nyquil he’d have to take to actually get to sleep, he pulls out his phone, and just out of curiosity, starts looking up things wade keeps talking about, and starts realizing that he has a genuine problem that’s been untreated for years, but he’s still lost, you can’t exactly waltz into a therapist’s office and say “hey, friendly neighborhood spiderman here, i killed people and now i want to die”, for multiple reasons

so at a loss, peter goes to wade, and very, very slowly starts asking questions, and then for help

neither of them are doctors, or like good at any of this, but they break into pharmacies and try different dosages of medications until they find something that works for peter, and peter’s room is now covered in charts and lists and reminders that wade printed out or ripped out of psychiatry textbooks, they research anxiety disorders, ptsd, anything that peter might be dealing with

and little by little, after years of effort and failure and struggle and trial and error, peter is just standing in a taco bell drive through with wade in full costume at 2am, and wade is arguing with the manger about how he should be able to use the drive through even if he doesn’t have a car, and peter can feel his left shoe sticking to something on the pavement, and he realizes that for the first time since middle school, he’s genuinely happy


	739. Chapter 739

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, mute peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love your deaf or mute!peter au! Got more ideas?"

peter is really happy about getting the stark internship for a number of reasons, but it’s only after he starts working there that he realizes there are so many people at the tower that can sign fluently, usually it’s hard to find people that he can talk with, just because nobody ever knows sign

but at the tower, all of the avengers know sign, and a lot of the staff does too, even if it’s just barely enough to hold a conversation, peter mentioned to clint that it was kinda surreal and clint told him that it actually started because he kept taking out his hearing aids to avoid talking to people, which backfired because the rest of the team all decided to take sign language lessons so they could talk to clint, which then resulted in an increase in staff that use asl, because word got out about all the avengers learning asl, so tony went ahead and started offering free asl classes to all staff members

so basically peter’s got his dream internship

and it’s also where peter meets wade, who’s new to the team and is technically a reserve avenger, contracted through shield

peter was actually trying to avoid wade, since wade knew spiderman, but he also wanted to talk, because wade was one of the only ones that laughs at his jokes when he’s in costume, not too many criminals know asl

well there’s no better way to get wade’s attention than trying to not get his attention, to peter’s relief, wade doesn’t recognize him, and they still get along well, in fact as they become friends, wade comes around twice as often just to bug peter while he’s working and to eat lunch together, sometimes wade even sticks around long enough to walk peter home

peter might be developing _feelings_


	740. Chapter 740

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mute peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "(Mute!Peter) Does wade begin to feel like there’s something familiar about peter? Maybe an inside joke that both Spiderman and Peter have made?"

so it’s actually peter that spills the beans, even though wade is starting to get suspicious

peter made a sign name for deadpool while he was spiderman, and he has a separate one for deadpool when he’s peter, except he fucked up and used his spiderman one instead of his peter one, and then it all clicked for wade

peter took off running as soon as he realized and wade had to try and chase him down in the tower


	741. Chapter 741

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mute peter parker, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "(Mute!Peter) how does Wade chase Peter down? What happens when he finds him?"

literally just full body tackles peter, which makes jarvis hit the alarms, so in ten seconds wade has at least three super powered pissed off avengers ready to nail him to the wall

so peter has to think fast and come up with a reason for why wade had been chasing him full tilt through the tower, and peter is not good at lying, so he ends up accidentally implying that he and wade are together, so they get marched off to H.R. where they have to sign a form saying they won’t kill each other if they break up or something like that

and peter feels so bad for all the shit that wade goes through because he decided to keep peter’s secret for him, that over the course of fake dating, he ends up wanting to real date wade, except wade is just not. getting. it., he keeps thinking that peter is just playing a part, which means peter is ready to tear his own hair out if he can’t get wade to just fucking kiss him already


	742. Chapter 742

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mute peter parker, drinking, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [](), "*slides over 5$* tell me how they got together in Mute!Peter AU"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oooh! Can you continue the mute!Peter AU?”

peter tagged along with wade to one of the avengers’ yay we’re not dead parties after taking care of a city wide doombot attack

and peter’s just so frustrated and stressed out that he doesn’t keep track of how much he’s been drinking, and thor has been handing him a lot of drinks so “he can grow stronger”, so pretty soon peter is falling out of his chair drunk

which is precisely when he catches sight of wade and decides to go flirt, except drunk peter flirting looks like peter laying in wade’s lap and suggestively signing about wade’s ass

tony cuts peter off and tells wade to take him home, wade wanted to get a cab but peter was determined to walk home, somewhere along the way peter gathered his courage and asked wade out, and wade said they were already dating, but peter was so drunk and frustrated that he started crying because wade was so unbelievably dense

wade pulled peter into a bus station until he could calm down, then he waited until peter could explain what he meant, and when he did wade immediately asked peter to break up with him, which was really fucking confusing until he told peter that now they could real date

peter only regretted some things the next day


	743. Chapter 743

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter, after meeting and falling in love with Wade, changes his major from bio-science to psychology in order to better understand and help his boyfriend."

peter initially chose bio science because he wanted to understand more about his own biology, there’s not a whole lot of medical information out there for mutants

but after peter met wade and came to understand his problems more, he switched his major to psychology because he realized that there’s even less information on mutant psychology out there

he should know, he’s never been to a therapist for the exact same reason, it takes peter years, but he’s eventually able to open his own mental health clinic, specifically for supers and mutants, it’s not easy getting through all the paperwork to make sure none of the patients could be prosecuted for anything they tell their therapists, and to keep the patients anonymous in a lot of cases

wade always gets a little choked up about it, because he knows peter did everything for him


	744. Chapter 744

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, lady deadpool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Merman AU where Peter is the outcast for his violence, and Fem! Wade who can hardly fit in because of the scars she has. They become really close as they see past the judgement between them."

peter doesn’t really get along with anybody, and he likes it that way, after losing so many people, peter’s too wary about caring about any one else

wanda doesn’t fit in either, but for a different reason, as a child, she just barely survived a horrific run in with a boat propeller, and as a result she grew up covered in scars from head to tail, and in mermaid society, the more scars a merperson has, the more fearsome they are, so looking like she does, everyone avoids wanda out of fear

peter’s the only one that doesn’t avoid her, but that’s more because he couldn’t give a shit, which means everybody keeps getting peter to talk to wanda when they need something from her

wanda doesn’t mind, since peter’s the only one that doesn’t seem to be afraid of her, and she likes talking with peter, she made him laugh once and ever since it’s been her goal to get him to laugh every time she sees him

peter, despite himself, likes being around wanda, so he finally just makes her an exception and they become fast friends


	745. Chapter 745

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "Mermaid sequel? Finally after sometime Pete and Wanda were friends, the scarred mermaid musters the courage to ask her only friend out. Pete says yes and all is happy in that moment. However that doesn't stay for too long, as Peter gets hit by an oil spill one day, and feels a strange pain in his body. When Wanda and Peter reunite, peter is all but the same. His red/blue tail turned black/ silver and began to act as if he was possessed."

wanda’s terrified of what peter will say, but when she asks him out, he goes absolutely red and says yes, wanda has to come up with the where and when because peter’s too busy hiding his face in his hands

peter goes for a swim to collect himself, he’s absolutely on cloud nine, so much so that he’s not really paying too much attention to the oil tanker running off course, he’s engulfed in a cloud of black death and he barely makes it out alive, his gills are so fucked that he’s suffocating on the ocean floor, the last thing he remembers is black ooze clinging to his body and the strangest feeling of something moving inside him where he shouldn’t feel anything

when he woke up, he was miles from the tanker, and his tail was a slick black, he started having black outs where he’d find himself in a completely different place from when he started, he’d forget conversations and sometimes whole days

on the day of the date, peter wasn’t feeling that great, but he figured it was just something he ate or a headache coming on, but when he met up with wanda he must’ve been looking bad because she looked worried, the last thing he remembered was wanda asking him if his eyes had always been black, and then he woke up and it was morning

when he found wanda, she was relieved to find him, apparently he suddenly just started swimming, out to where it was too dark for wanda to see anymore, and he disappeared

peter told her about the strange things that had been happening lately and wanda volunteered to watch peter for when it happened again

it didn’t take long, peter’s eyes went black and wanda tried to stop him from swimming away, but he just snarled and yanked his hand away from her, she followed him again, and this time she found out what he’d been doing in the dark depths, apparently strangling and eating creatures five times his size

it was actually pretty disturbing to watch, but also kind of cool?, like wanda had never seen anybody fight a giant squid single-handedly and win before, much less eat one alone, but peter brought her back some of the meat and even though he wasn’t talking much, it was still a fun lunch

as soon as peter was back, wanda excitedly told him all about what had happened, how he grew tentacles and fought a giant squid, and then ate it like one of the deep sea fish with the expanding stomachs, it was so cool

peter was less enthusiastic, but through wanda’s descriptions and sheer willpower, peter managed to tap into the goo that had invaded his body, and he started… feeling what the goo was feeling, it was different, but not in a bad way, it was always hungry, so that’s why it’s been taking peter to the depths so much

wanda and peter kept it their secret, and whenever the goo felt hungry, peter and wanda would swim out to where the ocean giants lurked and take on whatever they could find, wanda got pretty good at holding her own against some of the smaller beasts, and even killed an orca on her own that attacked her when peter was busy, she brought that one home, which ironically only made people more afraid of her, but she didn’t mind, she had peter, and he had her


	746. Chapter 746

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "In the third and probably final part to the mermaid spidey pool series, Wanda and Peter did it one night, which left Wanda pregnant with peter's baby. Peter eventually comes back after a hunt he goes on his own and finds Wanda acting quiet and distant. Unable to keep it to herself for long, she eventually tells Peter the news. She cries, feeling scared of abandonment. Peter however, makes it clear that he'll always be by her side. Leads to an eventual proposal, wedding, and of course the baby."

peter and wanda had just been growing closer and closer ever since they discovered the goo, so when wanda suddenly started flaking on peter and straight up disappearing for days on end, peter was beyond worried

wanda had discovered she was pregnant, which was a shock because after her childhood injury, she wasn’t supposed to get pregnant, she didn’t want to tell peter about it because there was still a good chance there’d be nothing to tell if she just waited long enough, that and there was a chance that peter wouldn’t want anything to do with her baby, if she even had one, which meant she’d have to go back to the city where she’d get sucked into communal child care, which she already knew she wasn’t cut out for, but maybe she could handle just this one

peter literally worried himself sick over wanda, which the goo decided to solve by hunting her down itself, wanda accidentally stabbed peter when the goo made him break into her house to find her, peter was out of it, coming to while the black faded from his eyes as wanda worriedly tried to help while the goo took care of the wound, and while she tried to help, she rambled

wanda mentioning she was pregnant hit peter hard enough to make him pay attention, he congratulated her and asked her when she was going back to the city, wanda almost swallowed her words right then and there, but she didn’t, she said she didn’t want to go back before and being pregnant didn’t change anything

when peter expressed concern by absolutely starting to panic, wanda had to interrupt to ask him if he wanted to stay and help her out here, to which peter almost crushed all her bones in a giant hug

the goo picked up on peter’s scattered emotions and stress and started bringing back more food from when they went out to hunt, much more than wanda could ever eat by herself

when the baby was born, it had a jet black tail and it broke wanda’s finger in it’s tiny hands, after that peter gave up entirely on trying to convince wanda to go to the city for at least a few months, in fact they both actively avoided running into other people as much as possible, it wasn’t going to be easy to explain their freakishly powerful child, and they both liked the solitude, just the three of them


	747. Chapter 747

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, immortal au, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is an old god who has forgotten who he is. Wade, who is a waaay older than anyone actually knows, has never forgotten the stories about the old gods. Something about Peter clues Wade in that he may be more than he appears."

it’s the little things about peter that just sticks with wade, the way he never talks about his past, sometimes he’ll forget things about himself and wade has to remind him, and the way he’ll listen to wade’s stories with that look in his eye, like he can almost remember something, and the way he never changes, as unnatural as wade himself

wade had a dream, he remembered parts of a story someone had told him as a child, about the old gods, but when he woke up, he couldn’t remember the story

he couldn’t put his finger on it, and it was driving him crazy, he started looking up old legends and digging through centuries old chests in his house, but he just couldn’t find what he was looking for, he just knew it was something about a spider

he actually got his answer from peter, they were sitting on the top of a skyscraper one morning, watching the sun rise with their legs dangling over the edge, and peter said he always liked the sunrise, it felt like he could reach out and touch the sun

which is how wade finally remembered the legend

it was about the monstrous spider in love with the sun, every night the spider would weave a beautiful picture and carefully coat it in dew, so that as the sun rose, it would see the picture sparkle in it’s light, after years of this the spider won the heart of the sun, but the sun’s jealous lover couldn’t stand it and cursed the spider with the body of a human, the sun could no longer recognize the spider and mourned the spider, thinking the spider was dead

wade didn’t tell the story to peter

instead he asked peter, what do you like more than the sunrise

peter thought for a moment and then said, pizza

and wade felt a little better


	748. Chapter 748

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, immortal au, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i need more of that god au. im hooked"

wade shares a lot of historian and archeological memes with peter, since they both can remember the context for a lot of them, which makes it funnier, sometimes wade will talk in forgotten tongues and peter will talk back in the same language without realizing, it’s a very slow realization that peter gets at a museum when he recognized one of the pharaohs in the ancient Egyptian exhibit

the next time he goes to the museum, he takes wade with him and they laugh at bad fashion choices throughout history, peter remembers a lot of things he’d forgotten the more he stays around wade, it hurts sometimes to remember so much

peter and wade find out they were both in paris during the 1802 world’s fair, there’s a lot of coincidences like that, it’s become a kind of joke between them to look for each other in old photographs

peter wove wade a giant picture of pizza over a building with his webbing, and wade smiled because he knew peter remembered


	749. Chapter 749

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, immortal au, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "God Au "quick peter lets make out!" "what? why?" "its high noon""

the old gods are gone, or faded away, but sometimes wade still feels petty enough to ask

and peter always smiles and obliges, after all, it was wade that found him again, not the sun


	750. Chapter 750

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, immortal au, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [themadkatter13](http://themadkatter13.tumblr.com/), "Friend. Pls. I beg u. More God AU. Where Wade keeps trying to Sacrifice(TM) things/food/people/the heavens/anything-n-everything to Petey and constantly parodies ancient cult-worship like setting up shrines in random places in NYC with drawings of anime spiders and dead bugs artfully arranged in fine china and/or handmade pottery (that he made after Peter yelled at him for lifting archelogical-found pottery from museums)."

it’s partly an inside joke, partly a way for them to both try and remember things long past, it started off small, after the pizza web thing wade remembered an old holiday he’d forgotten about, it had been a general worship the gods type deal, people would set up shrines around town to different gods and pay their respects

wade thought it would be hilarious to make a spider themed one for peter, he set them up all over town because he wanted to be sure peter saw them, wade broke into several buildings that night, the museum to steal bowls close to the ones he used to use, a pet store to steal their crickets and meal worms as a mock offering, and a printing place because he needed paper to draw his shitty spider god stick figures with massive anime eyes

peter wakes up to an unusual news report that morning, it clicks ten minutes in and he immediately sets out to find wade and yell at him, like it was kinda funny but he stole artifacts from the museum, and you cant just make a new one

peter does swing by one of the shrines first and pocket an especially bad drawing of him with four arms

peter also vetoes the idea to start up sacrificing goats again to see if they can get the attention of any old gods that are still around, nowadays if you kill something in the middle of town, it’s generally frowned upon, wade still thinks its a good idea


	751. Chapter 751

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, immortal au, mythology au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "ok but for the god thing, one day peter is just scrolling through social media and all that jazz and a picture of Arachne is in his feed and he sees it and is like "oh look its mom" and he keeps scrolling and then he scrolls the FUCK up bc WAIT A FUCKING SECOND"

it’s totally out of the blue, he wasn’t particularly looking for anything and there she was, apparently working at the museum in the greek department, being able to read the artifacts without a million books was probably how she got the job, but like she’s still alive, which is weird

so peter goes down to the museum, and when he finds her, she of course doesn’t recognize him, she’d never seen him as a human before, so peter hisses at her in a language old enough to get the point across, and suddenly she’s willing to listen

they duck into a nearby broom closet and start angrily whispering at each other, peter because gee thanks for not coming back for me mom, and arachne because how the fuck did you find me, and peter gets mad because that’s what she’s angry about? he’s the one who’s mad here, she’s the one that left him and his siblings to die once she got her human form back, what the shit mom!

and eventually arachne says ok, ok, so maybe she wasn’t the best mom, and peter reminds her that she left her children to die, and she says she’d like to try again, now that they’re here together, this could be good, a new start, a second chance, peter calls bullshit and storms out

so of course when wade shows up at peter’s place later that day, he said guess who i found, and peter near punch a hole in the wall when arachne strolled right in like she owned the place, wade immediately regrets everything, especially friending arachne on facebook


	752. Chapter 752

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Some identity porn, please?"

peter works weird hours as a night nurse, which works well with his other part time job, saving the world

but since he ends up taking a lot of the night shifts, he gets to meet all the weird people that come in at 3am, like the guy yesterday with all the burn scars who tried to escape while holding his own guts in, that was…. interesting

peter was the one that had to chase him down the hall and sedate him

the guy woke up pretty fast and when peter tried talking to him, he asked if they’d met before, then escaped when peter turned his back, peter just hopes the guy is ok, and like still alive

wade is kinda freaking out, because after he got picked up in a back alley while he was regenerating, sans suit, and woke up in a hospital, well after he woke up again after he tried to escape the first time, he talked to the one nurse, peter, that sounds exactly like spiderman

like no joke, guy has the same laugh, same dumb jokes, and opinions on star wars, of course wade isn’t sure sure yet, so he’s kinda stalking peter for now, just in case


	753. Chapter 753

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, dysfunctional relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oooooh can you continue the nurse!peter AU?"

well on one hand at least peter knows the weird guy is alive, but on the other hand this is the third night in a row that he’s tried to follow peter home

maybe a normal person wouldn’t have noticed wade, but peter is no normal person, so he’s managed to shake wade every time but it’s still super creepy

eventually wade figures out where peter lives, and at that point peter has had enough, he spies back and takes pictures and documents when wade’s following him around and yanks him out from behind the bushes one day and threatens to call the cops if he doesn’t cut this shit out

and wade is fucking surprised, he didn’t think peter had noticed him at all, which basically cements his theory, so now wade goes about believing he knows who spiderman is, having not proved his theory, but any time there’s something interesting going on that spidey should know about, wade always makes sure to drop something off at peter’s place to make sure he gets the message

wade claims he knows peter’s secret identity, which peter thinks is just him bluffing, like nobody believes wade, but when something happens and spiderman goes missing, wade’s the only one who knows where to look

turns out peter was just sick with the flu, and he was so out of it that he didn’t realize wade had broken into his house and cooked him up some soup, he’s like peter’s benevolent stalker


	754. Chapter 754

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade constantly thinking he's older than spidey, lecturing him about "you kids these days" making stupid jokes about daddy kinks and thinking he's a good ten years older than spidey. then when he finally learns who spidey is, he looks peter parker up and wouldn't ya know it peter is 42 and wade is 35."

like it’s probably because wade is taller than him, or maybe it’s because everybody thinks wade is older than he looks because of the whole immortality thing

but even wade and peter both assumed wade was older, and wade just kept going on and on ragging on peter for being a hipster, for being a nerd, for just being younger than him in general, and yes, there’s the daddy kink jokes

but then one day wade has to pull out his id for something, and peter snatches it away and goes, that’s not right, you’re like 50 right?

and wade’s like pfftch no, and peter just gets the stupid grin on his face bc holy shit i’m older than you, and wade doesn’t believe him, because what are you, 20?

so yeah, peter holds it over wade forever, but wade still keeps up with the daddy kink jokes, just now it’s the other way around


	755. Chapter 755

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade getting turned on by peter being domestic around him. peter packing a lunch and bringing an extra pb&j sandwich for wade, peter always meeting wade at the same rooftop on tuesday nights without fail, peter knowing what kind of skin cream wade uses for his scars and buying him some when it's on sale. one time peter gives wade some piña colada flavored chapstick that he bought for wade because "you were singing the piña colada song a lot last week and you need chapstick so ya" and wade melts"

wade wasn’t expecting any of this when he and peter finally started dating, peter just started getting more and more…. well it would be overbearing if wade didn’t like it, but he absolutely loves how peter’s always checking in on him and bringing snacks and how he’s always trying to patch up wade’s cuts and burns, even if they only last a few minutes


	756. Chapter 756

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is dramatic to a fault & is constantly asking spideybabe to go out on these extravagant dates. Peter one day, tired and not in the best of mood says(completely deadpan) “yes Wade let’s do it. Show me a good time. Let’s fall in love” and for the first time since they met Deadpool is speechless. He never planned to get this far???"

now that he’s got his chance, wade isn’t going to waste it, he buys a bucket of flowers and rents a limo and calls in a favor with the avengers to get some asguardian mead

and peter’s kinda floored when wade rents out the best restaurant in town and hands peter a fancy box with a black bowtie inside, and peter’s thankful he gets to keep the mask on because wade dialed up the charm to 11 and now he can’t stop blushing

after dinner, wade takes peter to times square where he somehow arranged a last minute fireworks show, which they watch from the rooftops, like there’s even a firework that looks like the spiderman mask, it’s probably the best thing peter’s ever seen

and since peter’s a little drunk after everything that happened, they take the limo back to their regular meeting place, and wade chickens out of kissing him goodbye, so peter does it instead


	757. Chapter 757

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jumanji au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [themadkatter13](http://themadkatter13.tumblr.com/), "Just saw the new 'Jumanji' last night and I woke up this morning still thinking about Peter finding an old gaming system while tech dumpster diving and he gets home and sets it up and Wade pops in his window like "yo Spidey what's hangin" and Peter's like "idk just found some old game I don't know in the trash" and Wade wanders over like "cool what is it?" and Peter says "jumanji" and 4th-wall-aware-Wade is like "baby boy no!" but Peter is already pressing START and they both get sucked in."

like the only reason they survive is bc wade is so genre aware, everything is poisonous and quicksand is way more dangerous than irl

peter just keeps trying to not get eaten by piranhas and wade has to keep growing back limbs, since he keeps drawing the one card that says he loses a limb

they find a couple people that got stuck in the game years ago and peter decides he and wade are going to save all of them, wade knows they’re only going to save some of them

between all the near death experiences and seeing that one lady get eaten alive by bugs, the jungle is kinda fun, they’ve ridden rhinos, found a giant flock of colorful birds, watched giant spiders weave patterned webs, and found the most beautiful waterfall

when they get out, wade shoots the damn thing full of holes, melts it down, and then takes the melted chunk of metal and goo and buries it under the foundation of a new building being built in town, it’ll still come back eventually


	758. Chapter 758

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade and Peter are having a lazy day when wade proposes to Peter who screams excitedly and says yes and the night is very sexual the next day they tell everyone starting with may then Peter's friends then the avengers and Peter asks Tony if he can walk him down the aisle for he views the man as a father figure and of course may, Natasha and pepper have taken over the planning because they want it to be perfect"

tony tears up when peter asks him to walk him down the aisle, ellie is the flower girl, and wade asks wolverine to be his best man, logan shows up last minute just like wade predicted

pepper takes over planning because she loves peter just as much as the rest of the avengers and she knows she’s the only one that can handle an event like that, natasha takes over security to make sure peter and wade’s special day stays perfect

may helps pepper with the wedding, and wade and peter kind of get pushed out of the planning committee, but they know it’ll be amazing anyways


	759. Chapter 759

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is not someone who gets a lot of sleep, at all, so when Wade wakes up before Peter he will lay still so he doesn’t wake him up, and let him sleep. Every so often Peter will sleep for like 16 hours. Even if Wade has to pee really bad, he holds it just so his sweet baby boy can get his rest"

one time peter was laying on wade’s legs funny, but wade didn’t move even when his legs fell asleep, when peter finally got up, wade tried to get up and immediately fell over, the pins and needles were excruciating

peter was so worried he shoved wade back in bed and made chicken soup, mostly because that’s just what he does when something’s wrong, peter fussed over wade all day

wade didn’t tell him what actually happened because he was too embarrassed to say


	760. Chapter 760

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade has 0.00000% self confidence when it comes to his scars-yet Peter finds himself even more in love with Wade because of them. Wade doesn’t understand it one bit until Petey is taking off his suit and the light hits his back ~just~ right and BAM Wade sees scars he never knew his baby boy had and immediately dedicates himself to discovering each one-which ends up giving them both a happy ending and Wade a new sense of what it’s like to feel just a little more comfortable in his skin"

wade just didn’t understand why peter liked his scars, they didn’t do him any favors in the looks department, and the texture is just weird, until one day he was watching peter change, and he finally noticed all the faint scars on peter’s back, it kinda hit him then, that peter felt the same about his scars as wade felt about peter’s


	761. Chapter 761

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "Wait, I desperately need more of that scars au where Peter likes Wade’s scars because his back is scarred. Gimme fluff, but also rAGE FROM WADE BC SOMEONE HURT PETEY PIE"

wade’s always been a light sleeper, but peter sleeps like the dead as soon as his head hits the pillow, so sometimes when wade wakes up in the middle of the night he traces all the scars on peter’s back, it’s so familiar and comforting just to know that even though life kept kicking them both in the balls, they still strangled some happiness out of it together

but then wade finds a new scar he doesn’t remember, he immediately wakes peter up so he can find out who he needs to throw off the empire state building

peter was still half asleep so it took a bit to figure out what wade wanted, but even then he was still reluctant to tell wade, which made wade get angrier, because WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO YOU

peter just wants to get back to sleep, so he finally tells wade he got it when he fell on a broken fence, he was catching a little kid that fell off their skateboard and was headed face first for the fence

all the tension in wade’s shoulders just fades away and he wraps himself around peter and says he’s always worried about him, and peter says i know, i worry about you too


	762. Chapter 762

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade finds a biohazard box full of empty syringes in Peter’s bathroom. Wade thinks Peter is addicted to heroin (it’s really just testosterone)."

so wade knows his boyfriend is trans, like it’s just fact now, but his first reaction upon finding the biohazard box full of empty syringes is to panic, completely forgot about peter being trans and went full on panic mode, since he’s been around enough people with drug problems to know how bad it really is

when peter comes back, wade’s all serious and asks peter about the syringes, and peter very slowly says, wade, you picked up my testosterone last week

so of course wade feels like a dumbass, but peter thinks it’s sweet that he was so worried


	763. Chapter 763

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, rupaul's drag race au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "An AU were Peter and Wade are competing on Rupaul's drag race, Peter is a beauty/gymnast queen and Wade is a comedy/camp queen. They both see each other as their only competition on the show, and start off as enemies."

peter and wade immediately decide they’re each others biggest competition, they bicker like children and get into fights over everything, everybody rolls their eyes and walks away when peter and wade enter the same room

apparently wade’s daughter, ellie, loved the show so much that she got her mom to help her write a letter to rupaul, who then invited her to be a guest judge for the next competition

wade was so excited he started rambling nonstop about ellie, peter, despite himself, found it endearing

the challenge was to divide up into teams and design an outfit for ellie, and she’d pick the one she liked most and wear it to the judges table

wade thought he had this one in the bag, to his dismay, she picked peter’s design, and he landed in the bottom two teams

when asked why she did that to her dad, ellie said she didn’t have time to play favorites, she wasn’t going to lose her chance to judge just because her dad’s going to be a little butthurt about it, to which peter could be heard laughing in the distance

peter and his partner made ellie’s costume and did her makeup before the lipsync battle, she was living, and peter and ellie became best friends and talked about wade behind his back, and peter reluctantly starts being impressed with wade

wade and his partner decided wade should do the lip sync battle, and he ended up winning big time by dropping down to do the splits in ridiculous platform stilettos, the only judge that wasn’t impressed was ellie because “peter can do that upside down”, wade looked ready to strangle peter who had to bite back a laugh, wade of course tried arguing with her by saying his shoes were bigger than her head, and how could my own daughter do this to me, i’ve raised a monster, which made ellie laugh so hard she almost fell off her chair

after ellie left, wade went and found peter and thanked him for making sure ellie had fun while she was on the show, and after that wade and peter seemed to make some sort of truce and became best friends

if you thought they were annoying before, they’re so much worse when they’re working together, everybody got worried, since every time peter and wade worked together, they’d dominate the competition

they both ended up not making it to the final three, but they stayed friends after the show, they’re both coming back for the next season though, and this time one of them is going to win or die trying


	764. Chapter 764

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from eeirien, "ok, but imagine as much as deadpool’ skin condition hurts like hell (on bad days) he kinda lost sensibility on it (since it’s hurting all the time) like he doesn’t feel things like bug bites, paper cuts (or superficial knife cuts), pinches, etc etc cause everything kinda melds together with the constant pain he already feels
> 
> so when peter touches him for the first time he is surprised cause his hands are so warm that ???? he feels it ????? and it soothes his pain where he touches so much that it’s like a faint buzz in the back of his mind ???? like what kind of sorcery is this??
> 
> and now wade does everything possible to get pretty petey hands on him
> 
> and after a few months of this peter asks the reason why and wade answers truthfully and peter is like “oh, it sucks but i’m glad i can make you feel better” and kisses the back of wade’s hand and wade blushes cause he felt it too.
> 
> (i kinda wanted to do an identity porn but i didn’t come up with an idea for how it could happen, so idk, and i wanted the hand kissing and deadpool blushing cause i love the idea of spidey being a cinnamon roll to deadpool after all the “i-hate-you-because-you-kill-for-a-living” slow burn and get to be friends and then heartmates lol)"

blushes cause he felt it too.

(i kinda wanted to do an identity porn but i didn’t come up with an idea for how it could happen, so idk, and i wanted the hand kissing and deadpool blushing cause i love the idea of spidey being a cinnamon roll to deadpool after all the “i-hate-you-because-you-kill-for-a-living” slow burn and get to be friends and then heartmates lol)

since wade isn’t peter’s favorite person, he always plays up his injuries, well they hurt anyways but he usually just shrugs it off and keeps going, but when he acts like it hurts bad, peter will start fidgeting until he finally breaks and asks wade if he needs help patching himself up, to which wade will say yes, and then for a small moment, he gets to feel peter’s touch

but it always goes away

he’s pretty convinced that peter hates him, so it’s not like he can get peter to touch his skin often, that and it’s not easy showing peter his skin either, honestly he ends up feeling worse afterwards

wade was just minding his own business one night, just dressed up in a hoodie and jeans, when somebody knifed him in the back and tried to search his body for any valuables, but wade wasn’t having any of that, so of course he sat up and punched the guy in the face, which was enough to scare him off

wade was ready to just limp home when somebody stopped him and asked if he needed any help, and wade was going to say no and run home, when the guy grabbed his hand and suddenly nothing else mattered, he could feel it, just like with spiderman

since he didn’t say anything, peter led him to his car where he had a heavy duty emergency kit in the trunk, wade was a little out of it for the whole thing, the last thing he remembered was peter asking if he needed a ride, and then saying no, and then he was at his front door

wade immediately tracked down peter and learned everything he could about him, he’s an intern at the hospital, super broke, only surviving family is his aunt, always lived in ny, fucking nerd, and wade’s angel in scrubs

wade purposefully gets hurt a lot just so he can roll into the er and catch a glimpse of peter, who’s really kind of worried about him at this point since he shows up almost every day

he’s pulling a knife out of wade’s knee one day, and peter tells him he needs to be more careful, and wade says i’ll try if you go out with me, and it’s the worst way peter has ever been asked out so of course he says yes

and peter catches on real fast that wade does everything to get peter’s hands on him, and peter asks about it one day, because if this is a fetish he’d like to know before they get any further, and wade tells the truth

peter’s got this sad look on his face when he kisses the back of wade’s hand and tells him, “i’m glad i can make you feel better, dp”

at which point they both freeze and peter has to tackle wade to keep him from running so he can explain why he knows wade is deadpool, and also why he uses spiderman’s nickname for him


	765. Chapter 765

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, canon au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you do something with the heartmates canon? *wiggles eyebrows*"

i’d like to think that it gets real annoying for the both of them real fast, since the universe decided they were perfect for each other, they’ve been magically drawn together constantly

whether it’s wade breaking into peter’s house to look for spidey, or peter suddenly having the urge to check on his canadian branch the same time wade takes a mission in the same area, they’re always running into each other

peter’s heart can’t take wade almost discovering his secret identity at least once a week, he doesn’t feel like he’s ever really alone and it’s super creepy

for wade it’s more of an annoyance, like peter has a multi-million tech company to run, how does he seem to have so much free time to find wade

wade comes up with the brilliant idea that peter is interested in him, so he goes and finds spidey and asks how into being a suger daddy peter would be, peter laughs so hard he almost falls off the roof, which isn’t really an answer but wade tries anyways, and to everybody’s surprise, peter says yes, mostly because he thinks this would be hilarious

except it stops being funny real fast when peter realizes that he’s totally got a thing for wade and _he can’t run away from his feelings now_


	766. Chapter 766

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Throughout his career wade has gotten some weird assignments but a call from the CEO of stark industries has left him befuddled pepper wants wade to destroy Tony's coffee mug why he doesn't know but wade wont turn down 50,000 dollars but ass he looks through the sniper scope he can see why but his baby boy is in the way so wade calls Peter tells him to move a little to the left when Peter moves wade takes the shot and the mug is no more"

pepper recently got roped into the avengers prank wars as a means of retaliation against tony for accidentally destroying her office, after some back and forth, tony started bragging about how he was winning, and then pepper said the title was as good as hers, and then tony laughed and said she couldn’t even steal his coffee mug, let alone the title

so pepper took a page out of tony’s book and took the most over dramatic route to make a point, she hired wade to murder tony’s mug

wade doesn’t have any context, but hey that’s 50 grand for shooting a cup

peter was just minding his own business in the breakfast nook with tony, going over some sketches for his new web shooters when he got a call, peter has learned to just do what wade asks and ask questions later, it’s easier that way

so when wade told him to move to the left, sure it’s fucking weird, and he wasn’t even sure if wade was in town today, but he did it and immediately tony’s mug exploded between them

they were both frozen for a second before tony put two and two together and shouted for jarvis to call pepper


	767. Chapter 767

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter being secretly (and ironically) aracnophobic. Wade finds out, and thinks it's hilarious"

it’s peter’s biggest secret, besides being spiderman, and he’ll do anything to keep it, unfortunately for peter his fear of spiders outpaced his fear of people knowing he has a fear of spiders

they were just sitting around listing to a police scanner together and talking, and then suddenly wade told him to hold still, there’s a spider on your arm

peter flipped shit, rolled off the roof, flailed in midair, climbed back up the building and asked wade nervously if it was still on him


	768. Chapter 768

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Now I'm picturing aracniphobic!Petey making Wade kill the "gigantic" spider in the shower. And Wade is putting on the bitchface of "for gods' sakes, it's just a little bug" while he squishes the leggy home-invader, but internally he's laughing his ass off and wondering where he can buy rubber spiders in bulk... He plans to take full advantage of this."

lol so wade totally loves that peter makes him kill spiders, like it’s just so dumb and peter can lift the fucking apartment complex if he wanted to, but he can’t kill a spider so he needs wade around

he’s also totally a sore loser and sometimes gets bitter when they have arguments, so a while ago he bought a massive box of rubber spiders from a toy distributor website, and every time he gets mad at peter, he puts one of the spiders out where peter will see it, it’s so fucking petty


	769. Chapter 769

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "that blooper from parks and rec where april is meant to playfully slap andy so aubrey plaza slaps chris pratt, and he immediately breaks character and tries to cover his crotch, and she's like "do you have a boner?? oh my god" and chris is like "i'm sorry!! nobody's ever slapped me before!!" that but with peter and wade"

so it’s totally staged, peter and wade are doing their argue-in-front-of-the-bad-guys-to-distract-them-and-then-attack routine, when peter slaps wade, and he immediately goes quiet and covers his crotch, which makes everybody stare at him

and peter is like oh my god! are you hard right now!, and wade’s not even denying it, he just keeps saying that he hasn’t been slapped before, so then it devolves into a real fight with peter and wade both trying to shout over each other, and the henchmen all stand around, not really sure if they should interrupt or…


	770. Chapter 770

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Mmmm this might be too soon but--more on the parks and rec blooper one? I frickin love that cut <3"

peter never lets it go, never, every time wade suggests a plan, peter asks if it involves him getting another boner

and wade’s like it was one time, and peter’s like it was one time too many

and when wade eventually shows up to a mission in totally impractical heels, peter just gives him a look and asks him if this is another one of his kinks, and wade says you don’t know all my kinks, and peter says _well i know one of them_

so basically they always have this dumb fight like wherever they go, and most of the other heroes and even the villains they fight think that wade and peter are like, an old married couple, because they fucking bicker like this all the time


	771. Chapter 771

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade discovers the subreddit "/r/buttsharpies" (NSFW, 18+) and gets some ideas. Peter is down for it, but more amused than anything else."

honestly wade does stuff like this all the time, not necessarily because he has weird kinks, like he does have them, just not this one, it’s usually because he’s bored, wade starts looking for trouble when he gets bored, so peter started directing his bored energy into sexytimes, which has been sort of a hit and miss, like the time wade bought a car because neither of them had a car and he wanted to give peter road head, which peter immediately shot down for several reasons, but not before wade bought the car without asking


	772. Chapter 772

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker, trans wade wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [rays-figs](http://rays-figs.tumblr.com/), "More trans Wade and trans Peter?"

peter helping wade redesign his costume to make it look more muscley, peter and wade going to the same gym and realizing this isn’t going to work out, so wade finds an abandoned lot where nobody goes and makes peter his own super strength gym with a ton of old cars to throw around, concrete cylinders to lift, and even a train car wade stole, peter loves it and wade ends up bringing some of his own equipment too so they can work out together

peter and wade being massive dorks and checking out their muscles together in the bathroom mirror, wade has to leave the room when peter does his testosterone shots because of his thing with needles, peter makes sure to keep the biohazard box out of sight

peter and wade messing around with wade’s image inducer to make themselves look like celebs, peter once went downtown on a date with wade looking like a slightly taller tony stark, he hammed it up in front of the press, and accidentally caused a minor national security threat when shield realized he wasn’t actually tony


	773. Chapter 773

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/), "eeeey inspire me for the fic im writing, hipster envirenmentalist senior in college, Wade."

ok but eco terrorist wade

has a costumed alter ego that sneaks into deforestation and fracking sites and blows shit up, but on campus he’s still an outspoken environmentalist, the only reason he’s not like in charge of the environmentalist club is because he kept fighting people that argued with him at protests

wade is the friend that makes sure everybody he knows is registered to vote and knows what to vote for, which is fucking exhausting, but annoying people into positive change is worth it

he meets peter in his environmental and sustainability studies class, peter’s an enviornmental engineering major, thinks wade is funny, and has a pride button on his bag, so he’s exactly wade’s type: gay, environmentalist, and not currently running for the hills

god wade would have that stupidly complicated drink order that all the morning campus cafe baristas hated, and he always goes to the same cafe because it’s the only one with fair trade, cruelty free, organic, non-gmo coffee

just saying, he’d be kind of pretentious about things like buying local organic food

i’d like to think that peter calls wade out on his environmental elitism


	774. Chapter 774

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade is a little wary joining the avengers but he grows to like it especially since Peter's a member but the part he absolutely hates is using perfectly good vehicles as weapons captain America uses his motorcycle Peter picks up a perfectly good untouched car and throws It during one mission Peter lifts a perfectly drivable tank and gets ready to throw it into a wall it sets wade off"

like wade has to buy his own transportation normally, so while he’s more than happy to trash somebody else’s jet, if it’s his, then he takes care of it

and after joining the avengers, wade started hoarding all the deadpool themed awesome things they kept giving him, like wade loved them so much he just kind of has them all sitting in a room somewhere because he’s afraid of scratching the pain job if he takes any of them for a ride

meanwhile, the rest of the avengers seem to just not give a shit, peter ran out of web fluid and launched his spider bike at doc oc, which even though it worked, wade had to look away because he couldn’t stand to see that bike go down

and captain fucking america is even worse, he’ll steal motorcycles from the nearest parking lot and trash it during the fight, and then he’s got all these cool planes and jets and everything that tony always makes him, all done up in red white and blue, and without fail, they only last three missions before he purposely crashes them

it’s driving wade crazy

he hits the end of his rope when tony finally lets him take the team tank out for a spin, and peter tries to pick it up and throw it at flying robots, wade just stops fighting, marches over to peter and i swear to god if you don’t put that tank down right now i will shoot you, i’m not kidding


	775. Chapter 775

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I want to see more ficlets of Pete behaving more spider-y... Maybe having to quickly get rid of the giant web in the corner before Wade comes over, or not giving a frick if he accidentally swallows a bug while swinging through the city ("hey, extra protein, right?"), or something else like that? I don't know."
> 
> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade has seen a lot of fucked up shit in his life, but what takes the cake is Peter’s on patrol eating habits he as seen this man swipe pigeons out of the air and eat them while swinging and wade is pretty sure that Peter is behind the rapidly declining rat population but his baby boy is part spider and he needs to hunt at least he hasn’t eaten pets yet”"

so peter’s got a crazy high metabolism, which means he basically eats nonstop, which means his spider instincts get the better of him a lot, which means every time a pigeon flies too close or a rat gets caught in his web, he pounces and gobbles them up raw

which was disgusting at first, but the more peter did it, the more he got used to it, so now he doesn’t even give a second thought to swallowing pigeons and coughing up feathers, that part is still p annoying tho

sometimes when peter’s hanging out on top of buildings, he’ll raid nests for eggs and eat them like a snack, he’s become the terror of the local vermin populations

he still tries to keep his eating habits away from the public eye though, he already traumatized two kids when he picked up a rat in the subway, snapped its neck, and swallowed it whole

sometimes when peter’s eating over at wades, wade will wiggle peter’s plate to get him to start eating, peter still hasn’t noticed what wade’s doing

peter has also taken to wrapping himself up in a nest made of webbing at night, but since he still has his friends over sometimes, he always has to pull it all down and hide it in the morning

much to wade’s disappointment, peter still does this when he sleeps over at wade’s place


	776. Chapter 776

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade meets peter when they're both on an flight, wade has the window seat and peter has the isle. they don't talk, they nod politely when they sit down and that's about it. peter is so tired he falls asleep quickly and slumps onto wade's shoulder and wade doesn't have the heart to wake him. when the flight attendant comes by she says "such a cute couple" and wade is too awkward to correct her. wade has to get up and pee but he cant bring himself to wake peter, who's now drooling on his shoulder."

peter is not a morning person, so he just doesn’t do well with waking up in general, when the plane touched down, wade finally gently woke peter up, but peter was so out of it that he didn’t really notice when the flight attendant handed peter’s stuff to wade who followed peter out

peter of course was mortified when he woke up a little more at the baggage claim and realized wade had followed him all the way down just to give him his stuff, and then wade mentioned that peter drooled on him through most of the flight and peter started to wish the floor would just swallow him up

as a thanks, peter offered to drive wade wherever, since peter’s friend was coming to pick him up, and mj probably wouldn’t mind a detour

wade turned him down and disappeared, but not before peter gave wade his number

that night peter put on the costume and went on patrol, it was nice to be home, he met deadpool who was back in new york for a while, and they were talking, and wade was telling peter he’d met this cute guy at the airport who gave him his number, but he wasn’t sure if he should call

peter talked wade into it, so wade pulled out his phone and tried calling peter, and this happened to be one of the nights peter had his cellphone on him

very slowly, peter pulled out his phone and after a very long silence said, “so… you think i’m cute?”


	777. Chapter 777

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

wade somehow ends up with the power to invade peoples dreams, he spends some time messing around before realizing he could jump into spidey’s dream now, except when he gets there he can’t find spiderman

he forgot that he doesn’t know spiderman’s secret identity, but he’s already here, so he helps a small band of cloud riding, sweater wearing cowboys defeat a gang of elephant rustlers

actually spidey’s dreams are pretty fun, even if wade doesn’t know which one is spidey, so he ends up sneaking into peter’s dreams a lot, and sometimes peter does have spiderman dreams, and wade gets to hang out with spidey on the moon or someplace weird

peter has been really confused lately, for some reason he’s been dreaming about deadpool like every night, does that mean something?


	778. Chapter 778

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [helloiampac](http://helloiampac.tumblr.com/), "I beg you please continue the dream au, I live for this stuff!"

faced with sometimes vaguely erotic dreams that always star deadpool, peter is going through his gay panic a little late in life, he goes to gwen because he thinks she’s the least likely to make fun of him, after she finishes laughing she takes peter’s hand and tells him that he’s bi and she thought he already knew

with that mystery solved, peter still has the whole deadpool thing to deal with, and he’s not sure what to do about it, but surprisingly harry had a good idea for once, he said that since he has the dreams all the time, why does he try like flirting with wade in his dream since he obviously has a thing for the guy

well he didn’t have any better ideas, so peter tried it, that night when he fell asleep, he found wade and tried to flirt, now this was a dream so peter could literally do anything, but instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and said “hi, you are hot”, wade just laughed at that one

honestly after a few nights of trying, it starts getting a little easier, peter feels more confident about it and he’s already tried and failed a couple times, so now it’s like he’s got this one in the bag

well he falls asleep, finds wade and basically tells him he loves him, and wade turns him down _because he’s in love with spiderman_ , peter wakes up screaming in rage because his dreams are so stupid that he can’t even get a boyfriend in his own goddamn dreams


	779. Chapter 779

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "OH MAN PLEASE CONTINUE THE DREAM AU I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER"

so there’s something a little weird that’s been happening lately, see normally spiderman’s dreams don’t interact with wade, he interacts with the dreams, but then this one guy in spidey’s dream threw out the rule book, and he started talking to wade, well more failed flirting, but that’s not how it’s supposed to work, can you break a dream?

wade was wondering if he should maybe not go back when he saw the actual guy from spiderman’s dream walking down the street like he’s a real person, which he is, which means he must know spiderman!

so wade runs after peter and stops him, and peter, in a moment of panic and pavlovian instinct yells something like i’m in love with you, realizes what he just said, and runs for it

wade loses him pretty soon

peter is freaking the fuck out, not only does wade know his secret identity, because why else would he stop peter, but he also told wade he was in love with him, WHICH WAS NOT THE PLAN


	780. Chapter 780

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, I would love to see a continuation of the DREAM AU after peter just confessed and started running!! like Wade reaccion, does he goes after Peter!!!??"

of course wade tracks down peter and finds out everything he can about him, the massive portfolio of spiderman pictures from when peter worked at the daily bugle just cemented his theory

so wade started hanging around the lab peter works in, waiting for him to clock out, and when peter sees him, he takes a deep breath and prepares for the worst, peter immediately apologizes about yesterday, and wade waves it off because “i already know you have a thing for me”

and when peter asks wade what he wants, wade says, a date with spiderman, which makes peter laugh, because that’s what wade said in his dream, only this time wade knows he’s spiderman, so peter says yes and sets up a time and place, it’s a rooftop so he wears the suit, and it actually goes really well

until peter sees wade on his way to work one day, he snuck up behind wade and surprised him, but wade seemed really… distant, and when peter asked wade if he wanted to go with him to this one food truck before work, wade blew him off, didn’t even give him a reason

so now peter’s fucking pissed, because he’s pretty sure that once wade got what he wanted, he doesn’t give a shit about peter now

wade on the other hand is super confused why spidey’s so cold now, like he thought they were doing pretty good all things considered, maybe he should go ask out that peter guy who obviously had a thing for him, he doesn’t get many fans after all, and this thing with spidey isn’t working out


	781. Chapter 781

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Pretty please! Can you write a continuation of the Dream Au? Does Deadpool ever realize that Peter is actually Spider-Man? (P.S. your blog and writing is absolutely impeccable!)"

so wade goes to find peter as a rebound, and peter thought wade was trying to make up for the other day and said yes

and that night, since wade is wade, he snuck into spidey’s dreams to hang out before facing reality again, except when he found spidey, spiderman took off his mask and there was peter, and wade screamed so loud he woke them both up from the dream

so wade finally puts two and two together, and now there’s no way in hell he’s ever going to admit to peter that he didn’t actually know


	782. Chapter 782

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, racing au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter is a dirt bike racer and wade gets a job at the track peter races at and goes to greet wade and as soon as he takes his helmet off, wade falls in love"

so wade’s just looking for something to pay the bills, plus he gets to see cool bike things all day, so that’s a plus

but what he didn’t count on was his dumb pan ass falling head over heels for the first guy he met at the track

peter had been practicing one of the jumps, but when he saw wade he stopped to say hi, when he took off the helmet he was all gross and sweaty with helmet hair, but he had the stupidest smile and the way his eyes lit up was just perfect, and wade’s such a sap

wade gets distracted a lot at work, watching peter, he’s totally a fanboy now, he comes to all the races and cheers for peter

he’s seriously considering paying somebody to get peter’s signature for him so he doesn’t have to ask peter himself, because then peter would know

little does he know that the other racers have been teasing peter over his crush on the new hire, basically everyone knows but wade


	783. Chapter 783

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking, racing au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "Can you please continue the peter!dirt bike racer au?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Omg pls do another dirt bike racer AU!! I would die! Only if u want to ofc”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “this is WAY too soon but can we get more of the biker au? I need wade and his dopey biker bf. btw, LOVE the blog!!”

wade got invited to go along with the racers for a beer one night, since he gets along with everybody, and peter gets absolutely plastered, which everybody but wade expected

and then the other racers started egging peter on, so not even one drink later he’s practically sitting in wade’s lap, telling him how amazing he thinks wade is, which obviously wade is not drunk enough to properly enjoy

wade decided to leave early, which backfired because everybody pushed peter on wade and told wade to take him home

peter actually sobers up a little on the drive home, enough to be embarrassed about earlier, he starts apologizing, and then says he tried to do this the wrong way, and asked wade if he wanted to go out sometime, just the two of them

wade has to try very hard to not crash the car because YES


	784. Chapter 784

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, tattoo parlor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter has a corset piercing on his throat and usually he undoes the laces b4 he goes out on patrol but he was in a hurry this time and meets up with wade and when all is said and done peter lifts his mask to his nose cuz hes fuckin exhausted and cant breathe and wade sees his neck and is completely flabbergasted"

so peter is way different than his spiderman persona would have you believe, he swears like a sailor, has a billion piercings, and half his body is covered in tattoos, and more recently he got a new corset piercing on his throat, which itches like hell under the costume

normally peter takes out all his piercings before he gets suited up just so they don’t get in the way, but he didn’t get a chance to undo the laces on his corset piercing this time because he could hear shit was already going down

wade showed up halfway through the fight so peter let him take over while he did damage control, as soon as everything was taken care of, peter climbed up the nearest building and pulled his mask up so he could fucking breathe, he really needed to find a different mask material

when wade got up to where peter was he made a sort of meep sound, which made peter remember his corset piercing, which was really fucking itchy now, so he started undoing the laces and checking for blood, corset piercings are pretty much decorative so leaving them laced like that during a fight meant he probably tore some skin

wade eventually rediscovered words and said, in a very confused voice, but spiderman doesn’t have piercings

to which peter grinned and stuck out his tongue, showing off that piercing as well

wade’s whole worldview shattered around him at that moment, it took him a while to come around, he disappeared for six months the first time he heard peter say fuck


	785. Chapter 785

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, tattoo parlor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spooks418](https://spooks418.tumblr.com/), "Can I please see more of the corset piercing heavily tattooed Peter? And with Wade just losing his mind every time Peter shows him yet another tattoo or another piercing"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I’d love to hear more about Peter with a shit ton of tattoos and piercings. And with Wade losing his shit with the more he finds out about peter”

wade takes a while to come around since he’d had this idealized version of spiderman in his head for so long, it was just so jarring to realize spiderman is actually, well, peter

wade had been so focused on the piercings that he hadn’t even noticed the spiderwebs crawling up peter’s neck, when he asked how peter can have tattoos with his healing factor, peter got really nerdy and excited and explained about this ink he developed specifically for his body so that it lasts longer

and then he told wade he should come by this one tattoo parlor where he works, wade put off going for months before he finally worked up the courage to see the man behind the mask

wade visited by stages, first he found the place, then he hung around and just looked really suspicious, then he tried walking in a couple times and kept bailing, and finally one of the women that worked there told him to either get in or get out, so he went in

he recognized peter immediately by his spiderweb tattoo, and holy shit he’s the exact opposite of what wade expected, there’s so much metal in his face that wade’s tempted to get a magnet just to see what happens

peter was wearing a tank top so most of his tattoos were on display, he had full sleeves and wade could see black webbing crawling down the back of peter’s neck too

of course when peter saw wade he yelled “holy shit you came!” from across the store, and a little piece of wade died on the inside because spiderman just swore

peter took wade around and introduced him to everybody, wade sort of went along in a daze, every other word out of peter’s mouth was some sort of profanity and every time he talked the chain going from his ear to his lip jangled

for some reason wade ended up in peter’s chair and he could feel a faint prickling on his arm as peter worked, he could barely feel the needle over the constant pain in his skin

peter explained as he worked that scars are fun to work with because there’s already a picture there, you just have to figure out what it is, and when peter was done, wade had to blink back the tears he could feel pricking his eyes, peter had tattooed a little spiderman swinging away on a line of webbing that followed wade’s scars, and for once he didn’t hate his own skin


	786. Chapter 786

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter has to wear a retainer at night. Its usually the last thing he does before going to bed, because he's self conscious about the lisp it gives him. Wade, of course, finds out and finds it hilarious that Peter sounds like "such a bad 90s stereotype of a nerd!" Peter takes to telling Wade random science facts, with his retainer in, and Wade laughs until his stomach hurts."

peter’s super self conscious about his retainer, and he has to wear it every night or his super healing fucks up his teeth too much and he has to get braces again, and he can’t do that to may bc braces are fuuuucking expensive

so basically peter never stays the night at friends’ houses, and it starts to become a problem when peter starts dating wade and absolutely refuses to spend the night, and wade of course thinks it’s bc of him and questions the foundation of their relationship

peter cracks when wade confronts him and asks if it’s because of his face or the scars or uh the smell permeating his whole apartment, so peter says ok fine i’ll do it

peter tries playing it cool and just puts it in and pretends nothing happens that night, wade stops dead and tells peter to say something smart

and peter is like ummm…. ok….. the mitochondria ith the powerhouth of the thell

and wade just cracks up because peter sounds exactly like a bad 90s stereotypical nerd, which peter ends up laughing at too and it makes him feel a lot less self conscious

so peter gathers up all his dumb trivia night at the bar knowledge and leans into the lisp, wade laughs so hard he ends up on the floor, crying and begging peter to stop


	787. Chapter 787

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "It's about six months into Peter's and wade's relationship and Peter takes wade to meet aunt may for the first time and she adores wade and wade likes Mays meatloaf for reasons unknown to Peter but if May likes wade then mj and gwen will to"

so peter is super nervous about introducing wade to may, but may is also the most accepting and kind person peter has ever known, so he has tentative hope that she’ll like wade

they already have a story ready, they both went over it backwards and forwards and upside down, wade is an ex con, wade insisted on that part, who works at the mexican place next to where peter works, peter wanted him to work as a receptionist in his building but wade won that one too, they met when wade accidentally bowled him over and got nachos over them both, peter’s addition, and it was love at first sight

may thinks wade is _charming_ , and peter is just, so baffled, like you have met the guy right, that is the last word i would use to describe him

peter still thinks it was the way wade ate all the meatloaf, may really likes putting way more salt than necessary into everything, but wade’s taste buds are kinda dead, so he could technically eat garbage and say, with a straight face, that was the best fucking ice cream i’ve ever had

either way if may liked him, then maybe gwen and mj will too

wade actually surprised peter for that meeting and took them all to a gay strip club instead of the restaurant peter had planned on, so of course all three of them get on well and spend the whole night giving peter a hard time for turning redder than a tomato and running away from wade trying to give him a lap dance

it’s worse than peter could have ever expected, _they’re friends now_


	788. Chapter 788

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marvel, crack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [larry-and-flower-crowns](http://larry-and-flower-crowns.tumblr.com/), "i would love to hear an infinity war storyline from you but wade crashes right into the middle of it (also peter is like, an adult, not a child because no)"

m’k so i have a lot of things, mostly nonsense and bitterness

civil war never existed, cap and tony are besties, clint’s sister lives on a farm and he and natasha are qpps and both aro, tony is ace and trans and in a loving poly relationship with pepper and rhodey, cap is bi af and really into social activism, bucky is gay and rediscovering himself as a human being, he’s really into braids and eye shadow rn, pietro never died because he can move faster than a fucking bullet that’s how super speed fuuuucking works, tony discovers along the way that he had an old jarvis backup and friday and jarvis end up with a robot sibling relationship thing going on, it’s a little weird with vision and sometimes vision and jarvis say things at the same time, also more vision fundamentally misunderstanding human behavior, like why are fuzzy socks so important to humans what is the secret

wanda and pietro, while they both see clint as a father figure, have a strained relationship when wanda decides that she isn’t safe to be around after hurting more people by mistake and goes rogue, (seriously these people need like a fucking trained therapist, and a hug), idk like a what is my purpose kind of fucking around the world thing, but pietro stays with the avengers when she disappears, so shield puts her on a threat list and eventually she discovers her parentage and ends up teaming up with magneto, so she’s kind of a antihero now but pietro is v determined to help her, but now she doesn’t want help, she wants the people around her to stop ya know treating her like a monster bc she can invade brains, which is kind of a reasonable fear i think and she totally does need to learn to control it, which she does learn under magneto

also betty exists and after she finds bruce again she breaks up with him because he fucking left her without letting betty decide for herself what she can and can’t handle, srsly the guy is not good with relationships, speaking of spidey and the hulk are besties

ALSO jane foster still exists and is important

also like fuck the whole loki plot, he showed up on earth bc he skipped out on a payment to the chutari after he lied his way out of getting killed after accidentally getting captured, so he escaped to earth and was living it up in new york’s elite inner circle and borrowing the identity of a victoria’s secret model because that’s the first image of a human he saw after reaching earth, and soon he’s active in the norse artifacts black market and cat-fishing one of the avengers for shits and giggles

also sam and peter are jewish and every year they join pietro, wanda and their dad in a temporary truce for basically every jewish holiday, a lot of the other x-men come along too

peter is a student teacher currently attending college part time and living with his aunt, and he’s probably going to fail his classes because he keeps dropping everything to be spiderman, he’s still new to this whole secret identity thing and does a really shitty job of keeping it a secret, also he’s trans, bi and jewish

peter asks t’challa if that’s his fursuit, and he gets mad later when shuri explains what that means

wade just shows up on a ship somewhere, absolutely drunk, no idea how he got there, but is he ever ready to throw down besides captain fucking america and spiderman who should be in bed goddamnit peter you had one job, anyways the first words out of wade’s mouth are “i’m fucking pansexual” because reasons, and he borrows gamora’s suit somewhere along the way, and he gets peter’s number, totally by accident, also he has a quip in there about not being able to hire more xmen with this kinda budget

everybody kinda shows up to the big battle at the same time, realizes they shouldn’t kill each other and get ready to fight thantos who is fucccking just destroying them

it’s all rather disappointing as far as giant ass climatic battles go, somebody remembered to bring ant man, who shrunk the gauntlet and made off with it because literally no one thought of that, or no one else was stupid enough to try it, either way that makes thanos like killable, which is when nebula crashes in, last minute, still screaming, and tears him limb from limb, just gratuitous violence, everybody looks away and makes ew sounds, the gross slashing noises and screaming goes on for an uncomfortably long time, it’s what she deserves

then the grandmaster shows up to take the gauntlet and loki back to his new party planet and the rest of the movie is just like a space rave that everybody goes to after the battle and peter quill gets the dj to play his playlist, in the after credits scene, everybody with an expiring contract just decides to quit bc they’re fucking done with this shit and want to learn like horseback riding or some normal shit and fly to the tropics or something


	789. Chapter 789

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional realtionship, abusive relationship, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey I really like your blog :) Any ideas for some possessive and obsessed Wade over Peter?"

so wade has trust issues, lots of trust issues, and peter didn’t start noticing it until after he started dating wade, it started out small, it always does

he started noticing things in his house seemed to move around when he wasn’t looking, he started shopping less because there always seemed to be exactly the right amount of everything, even though he hast bought cereal in a month now, then wade started asking him about his friends, more specifically, things he didn’t remember telling wade about his friends

and then wade started showing up at a second’s notice if peter didn’t respond to his calls immediately, wade kept asking peter for reassurance that he wasn’t going to leave, that he loved wade, that he wasn’t cheating on him

wade always made plans with peter just before he got a call from may or his friends asking if he wanted to do something, at the same time that wade had made the date for, peter tried to cancel on wade once, wade stopped talking to peter for a week and peter was worried sick

when wade finally showed back up, peter was mad at him, but then wade pulled a sob story out, about how he was just so sure that peter was going to leave him, which made peter feel like the bad guy, and whenever he tried to accuse wade of spying on him, wade would get mad because “relationships are about trust, remember”

when peter realized what was going on and seriously tried to get out of the relationship, wade blew his own brains out right in front of peter, who stayed to make sure he didn’t wake up alone, because wade once said that coming back in an empty room was the loneliest feeling in the world, and peter felt guilty


	790. Chapter 790

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dysfunctional realtionship, abusive relationship, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [nectar-and-aliens](http://nectar-and-aliens.tumblr.com/), "can u write more of wade being insecure and peter being scared, like they're in a dysfunctional relationship? Your blog is great btw"

you can love somebody and not like who they are, peter doesn’t know what to do, he wants to be there for wade because he knows nobody else will be, but it’s all just too much, he’ll do anything just to make sure that wade doesn’t kill himself again, he doesn’t like seeing wade hurt, least of all because of him

nobody really knows about their relationship, they decided to keep quiet because peter was worried about his secret identity being blown, so there’s not really anybody he can even talk about this with

it’s exhausting, and the few times he can get away from wade are when he swings away fast enough to go fight crime

he broke up a domestic disturbance in the neighborhood since he could hear the shouting from a mile away, he asked the woman if she wanted to leave, and she told him everything was fine, said she just tripped down the stairs, they just argued like this sometimes, he always apologizes after

peter thought she was a little crazy not to leave somebody that hurt her like that, and then he remembered wade shooting himself to get peter to stay, and peter felt sick, it hadn’t really occurred to him before that he was in a genuinely bad relationship

that night peter just laid awake, trying to figure out how to get himself out of this mess, can’t run since wade would find him, can’t leave since wade would hurt himself, can’t hide since wade would find him

maybe if he just calmly and politely explained that he wanted to break up, then wade would only throw himself off a building instead of shooting himself in the face

well, the only other thing left is asking for help, and that already sounds horrible, he eventually decided on asking hulk for help since he was definitely the avenger that liked peter the most

it wasn’t easy finding hulk, or explaining sort of what was going on, but hulk got the gist of it and basically kidnapped peter and told the other avengers that spiderman was going to live in the tower now, and hey who’s going to argue with the hulk


	791. Chapter 791

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, gore, dentist au

peter is a mild mannered dentist with a small practice, but by night he’s new york’s own amazing spiderman, fighter of small crimes and defender of stupid people that wander into alleyways at night

wade got shot in the face and is in so much fucking pain because one of his teeth shattered, and then the new tooth grew in next to the shattered one, so there’s still like a million fucking pieces of bone stabbing into the inside of his gums and it’s driving him crazy

wade doesn’t actually know how to fix this particular problem, short of losing his entire face and letting it regrow, but that’s not so fun, so he picked the first dentist place he could find, waited until there were only three people left inside, and then walked in with a gun in each hand and asked which one was the doctor

so peter is p confused as to why wade is holding a small dentistry at gunpoint, but his spidey sense isn’t going off, so he raises his hand and tells wade he doesn’t actually have more than 200$ in the cash drawer rn

and wade tells him he just needs some teeth pulled, and peter, ever putting his foot in his mouth, asks if he’ll be paying with cash, to which wade awkwardly puts away the guns and pulls out a wad of cash

peter covers for wade and sends the two workers home, pretending that wade is an old friend with a few screws loose, and the guns are actually fake, it works because neither of them call the cops when they leave

peter has to go slow and keep explaining to wade what he’s doing with all his instruments, because wade’s panicking every time peter picks up a new instrument, but eventually peter manages to get all the pieces of wade’s shattered tooth out, and when he’s done, he lets wade pick a toy out of the prize box

it’s kind of a surreal experience for the both of them, so now whenever wade has some sort of medical problem, he shows up at peter’s house, he’s ruined five couches by bleeding on them and peter keeps insisting he doesn’t know how to take care of growing an extra tibia, but he’s the only doctor wade trusts


	792. Chapter 792

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dentist au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [poisonousfruitbowl](https://poisonousfruitbowl.tumblr.com/), "I am in love with the dentist au! Do you have more?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “something about dentist AUs are just so cute to me. think you could continue with yours? I love it so much”

wade “scares away the normal customers”, so he comes in the back way most days when he’s looking for peter, peter insists on being called dr. parker while he’s at work because he sold his soul for that title and he’s going to fucking use it

honestly peter set himself up for it, wade walked in the front door one day in a nurse uniform he most definitely got from a sex shop, and then burst in on peter who was operating on a patient who was already under, peter didn’t have time to be nice so he snapped at wade and kicked him out of the operating room

wade felt like he fucked up this relationship and disappeared, peter thought it was weird that wade didn’t show up again that day, but he really started to worry when wade didn’t show up at all the rest of the week

peter started looking for wade on his patrols, and when he found him, wade was sitting on a bench, drowning his sorrows in cheap burritos and halfheartedly shooting at the pigeons trying to steal his food

so peter changed back into his civvies and sat down with wade, peter pulled a sticky hand toy out of his pocket and gave it to wade, wade asked if he could come back if he stopped stealing vicodin, peter told him he was never unwelcome but please stop stealing the vicodin anyways


	793. Chapter 793

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, gore, dentist au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [overlyselfaware](https://overlyselfaware.tumblr.com/), "sooo with the dentist AU wade's body tries to fix itself any way it can, but it can't do everything, and wade goes to peter with EVERY medical problem now, yeah? ("but you're a docter--" "Of TEETH.") so what about when wade gets shot with, like, a shit-ton of bullets, and some don't go completely through him? And when he heals enough to move, albeit with ongoing internal damage, he manages to drag himself onto the metro (cabs don't take you when you're dripping blood) and get to pete's place and peter has to open the door to wade, bleeding on his welcome mat and asking hey, buddy, pal of mine, angel of doctor things, i need you to do me a favor and find a few bullets for me, like does wade have to coach him through it? or maybe it’s peter being calm about it that kinda freaks wade out"

well considering that wade woke peter up at 4am to bleed all over his nice fucking cream colored carpet and cough up blood all over his nice clean bathroom, just so that peter can spend all three of the hours he usually gets to sleep digging bullets out of wade’s body while he talks nonstop the whole way, peter is beyond caring, he’s just too damn tired and mad to give a fuck so he sits down and works without saying a word, which makes wade nervous, which makes wade talk more, usually peter’s a lot, um, nicer

now that he thinks about it, peter’s not exactly being delicate like he usually is, and he didn’t even do his usual thing where he asks wade what kind of trouble he got into this time

when he’s done, peter packs up his incredibly well stocked first aid kit, pulls his now ruined bathrobe off and tells wade to get the hell out unless he’s got something else to bleed on

which is something of a shock for wade, because peter wasn’t even mad when he interrupted a surgery, just very irritated, so wade did as he said and went to let himself out

but before he could close the door, peter told him to wait, and rubbing his eyes he said he was sorry, he’s just really tired, the guest bedroom is down the hall on the left, wade bleeds all over that too


	794. Chapter 794

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, misophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [perico015](https://perico015.tumblr.com/), "Peter has misophobia, because he thinks he is a plague'a carrier, the disease infects everyone around him, he thinks spider-man, even though he saves people's lives, destroys the lives of people he is the closest. The death of Uncle Ben, financial issues aunt may had to suffer, death of captain Stacy and later Gwen Stacy, the times Aunt may was about to die!!, he even blame himself because harry doesn't have a normal father and because harry is the goblin again.So he meets Deadpool"

so somewhere along the way, with everything that’s happened, peter decided it was all his fault somehow, every single person that’s been hurt, every tragedy his friends and family have suffered, all the kids that died in high school because he wasn’t careful enough, it was all his fault he couldn’t save them, and that fixation on being a sort of bad luck charm manifested as a fear of germs, like if he cleans well enough then nothing bad can happen, a good luck charm to cancel out peter’s bad

but obsessive cleaning isn’t that great, peter washes his hands so much that the skin on his hands is constantly rubbed raw and cracking, he can’t eat anywhere, or even visit his aunt anymore, it’s gotten to the point where peter can’t leave the house for anything except spiderman, something about the suit just feels like a protective glove

wade gets worried about his spider friend, who doesn’t stick around to talk like he usually does, and immediately disappears if his suit gets torn, even when people are still in danger, which is a huge red flag to wade, since that’s exactly what he used to do when he was still trying to overcome his fear of being seen, so wade kinda “creates a situation” that he knows spiderman will show up for and traps him in a sort of intervention

and peter just spills everything, he’s just so frustrated and scared and wade is like the one person in his life that he can tell all this to and nothing will happen, which is completely wrong, because wade shows up at his house the next day because why would an immortal merc not know his secret identity

since peter can’t exactly go to therapy, wade decided to step in and help out any way he can, but peter is just very fucking resistant because the fear has become so ingrained in his daily life

it all cumulated when wade handed peter a cup straight out of the cupboard and when peter went to wash it wade stopped him, that ended in a broken counter, a shattered glass, wade with a lot of glass in his hand, and peter feeling like shit, but that was what it took to get peter to actually want to change, because he realized he was doing more harm to his loved ones by continuing like this, he only talks to may through email and texts because he’s afraid that if he hears her voice on the phone, he’ll have a break down and she’ll hear

wade teaches peter tricks to cope with anxiety, stopping negative thinking and start using breathing exercises, peter started setting goals like going outside once a week, even if it’s just stepping outside the door, and little by little, it gets better and it gets easier

wade stayed by peter’s side to help him through the worst of it, and in the end, he still stayed to help peter plan a dinner and invite his aunt and friends over, which peter even managed to have fun at

while they were cleaning up together, and wade was taking dishes from peter so he could do those instead, peter asked him why he did all this, people don’t normally drop everything to babysit neurotic acquaintances, and wade, a little hurt, says he always thought of peter as his friend

after that it gets so awkward, wade doesn’t come around as much and even harry could tell that something was up, so peter takes matters into his own hands and finds wade and tells him he’s sorry, he misses having wade around and he does think of wade as his best friend and i think i like you

and wade asks wait, is that like, like, or like, like like

and peter says, i don’t know

and wade asks if he wants to figure it out

and peter says yes


	795. Chapter 795

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "headcanon that wade's regeneration powers cause him to always be really warm as his skin is constantly trying to heal and sometimes he's even hot to the touch, likewise peter's spider bite caused his blood circulation to decrease since spiders are coldblooded so he's always kind of cold to the touch and shivering. wade cuddles peter to cool down, peter cuddles wade to warm up."

every time peter gets home, the first thing he does is find wade so he can wrap himself up in his warm boyfriend’s arms and just relax, and wade always drops whatever he’s doing to give peter a hug while they tell each other about their days


	796. Chapter 796

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "When Wade is starting to date Peter he is told by all the avengers, May gwen and mj not to give Peter caffeine they don't tell wade why until Peter is injured during and avengers mission and he drinks a small amount of energy drink and Peter's wounds heal instantly but the excess of the drink causes Peter to move faster than quicksilver"

see the problem is he’s doing everything faster, but his brain isn’t working faster, so peter runs into so many walls and talks constantly on autopilot, and can’t. stop. moving.

and since wade’s the one that gave him caffeine in the first place, he’s the one that has to make sure peter doesn’t escape the building and leave behind a peter shaped hole in the wall


	797. Chapter 797

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Okay, so, Wade is friends with and/or dating Peter, but doesn’t know he’s Spidey yet. He notices that Peter has been stressed lately and thinks, ‘hey, you know what will help this kid reduce stress? Yoga’ because of course, and he takes Peter to a yoga class as a surprise and gets WAY more than he expected. I canNOT get this out of my head."

like this is peter, his nervous boyfriend who’s a massive nerd and has not once in his life looked at a protein shake much less an actual piece of exercise equipment, peter’s day mostly consists of sitting around after he gets home from work and eating more than wade, actually it’s a wonder peter stays as fit as he does

wade thinks it’s work maybe, or one of his friends is having a hard time, but there’s something weighing on peter and wade’s determined to help peter relax, wade usually works out for this kind of thing, but maybe yoga is more peter’s speed

so wade convinces peter to go to a yoga class with him, and _hot damn_ is peter good at this

peter catches on real fast that wade can’t take his eyes off of peter’s ass, so peter plays it up, bends as far as he can go, nice and slow

wade has to leave halfway through the class because it’s very hard to hide a boner in yoga pants, peter spends the whole ride back laughing

wade would be mad, but this is the happiest he’s seen peter in weeks


	798. Chapter 798

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Headcanon: Wade can, in fact, actually sing rather well. He just chooses to sing off key to purposefully annoy the hell out of everybody around."

totally keeps it to himself, specifically because he hustles people he knows in karaoke bars

like peter’s jaw dropped the first time he heard wade actually sing, wade had bet him a kiss he could beat somebody in a karaoke competition, and peter was planning to give him one anyways when he came back all dejected, but then he started singing with the voice of an angel, peter was so mad, because all this time he’s been putting up with wade’s shitty rendition of poker face, which he sings like alll the time, when wade was perfectly capable of not singing like a dying rooster


	799. Chapter 799

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spidey instincts telling peter to show off for Wade (think cute dancing spiders)at every given chance bc a) Wade is a good suitor & b) spider brain just really wants to preen"

**spider brain:** dance

 **peter:** why

 **spider brain:** _Dance_

 **peter:** why tho….


	800. Chapter 800

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [leeroid](https://leeroid.tumblr.com/), "Peter doesn’t understand why his Spidey Sense won’t work on Deadpool. His life is pretty hectic and since he got bitten his spider sense has basically given him a form of anxiety.? He rarely gets a day off from it... until Deadpool barrels into his life. Maybe it’s bc Deadpool truly means him no harm? Maybe it’s bc they’re heartmates? Maybe something else? (Bonus: out of suit Wade comes up behind peter and p doesn’t sense him & he goes nuts thinking his sense is malfunctioning-until it clicks)"

it bugs the ever loving shit out of peter, he’s got no fucking clue why his spider sense doesn’t work with wade, it’s never happened with anybody else and he’s got no clue why, it’s certainly not because wade means no harm, he’s got two scars still healing from when he had to dig bullets out of his own leg to prove that

peter has a notebook at home filled up with failed experiments trying to figure out what does and doesn’t trigger his spider sense, but none of them can explain wade, he’s an outlier and peter just can’t _fucking figure out why_

deadpool is the only exception, until peter bumps into this mean looking guy with lots of scars when he’s heading home from his second job, like he literally bumps into him because his spider sense didn’t go off

peter stops the guy and manages to get his number somehow, and then peter starts asking wade to come with him when he goes places, like out to eat, and he secretly performs tests to figure out how this guy and deadpool do not set off his spidey sense

wade thinks he’s dating peter parker, he’s a bit of a nutcase, but wade is an even bigger nutcase so it all works out, this has been the best relationship he’s been in so far and he’s so scared of fucking it up that he’s decided to go slow, like really slow, they haven’t even kissed yet


	801. Chapter 801

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com), "I know it’s way too early since it wasn’t even posted half an hour ago but can we please get more of the failed experiment AU. I really don’t know what else to call it."

peter is just so set on figuring out what’s going on with his spidey sense that he just does not see any of wade’s attempts to flirt, hell when wade kisses him goodbye on the cheek, peter doesn’t even notice until three minutes later when wade’s gone, it just felt so natural for some reason

so peter sets another date to meet, and this time he’s going to set things straight, because there has been a massive misunderstanding

but as soon as wade shows up and sees peter, he says something that’s just so entirely deadpool that it clicks right then and there and peter spends the rest of the time seething because of course it was him

wade on the other hand is doing great, he’s got a boyfriend that hasn’t murdered anybody and they’re having dinner again together, but peter looks a little down so wade asks him what’s up, but peter just says it’s nothing

peter might have ritually burned all of his research behind the college dorms late at night in a moment of sheer frustration

a week later wade calls because usually peter’s always calling him so he just wanted to see if peter was doing alright, especially since he was looking down the last time they saw each other, and that’s sweet, so peter deletes the message he was going to send, the awkward apology/breakup text, and instead invited wade over for movie night next friday

i mean, why the fuck not, wade’s the best thing that’s happened to him this year


	802. Chapter 802

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omfg can I got some more of that sweet sweet spidey sense identity porn"

everybody likes wade, aunt may steals him every thursday night for her weekly poker game, they’ve been cleaning all her friends out, and wade won over peter’s friends just because they could see how much more relaxed and happy peter was with him, wade was good for peter

and then peter’s gotta fuck it all up, him and his big mouth, it’s just microwaved leftovers and snuggling on the couch, but peter remembers that earlier in the week wade had been looking for his missing friend weasel, so he asks wade if he found weasel yet and wade gives him this look, and too late peter remembers that he told spiderman that, not peter

so wade asks peter how he knows that, and peter started slowly taking his shirt off and said “oh no, my clothes are falling off”, but wade said that’s not gonna work this time and peter can’t think of a way out

so peter sighs and resigns himself to telling wade, he does the ok i’m going to show you something so please don’t freak out, and wade says i’m not promising anything, and peter jumps up and sticks to the ceiling

wade just stares at him for a long time, and peter stares back, peter talks first, he says instead of fighting, how about we skip to the part where we have makeup sex

after a long pause wade asks if they can use peter’s webshooters, and peter says yes, so wade runs to the bedroom and says he can be mad later, he’s gonna fuck spiderman right now


	803. Chapter 803

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oh man can I get a continuation on the spider sense AU? Love your blog btw!"

it takes wade a little time to get over the big reveal, but once he does, he goes all in, he gets him and peter matching spiderman and deadpool t-shirts and surprises peter on patrol with takeout

it’s honestly such a relief for peter, because now he can talk to somebody about his peter and his spiderman problems, that and he doesn’t have to keep remembering what peter and spiderman are each supposed to know

wade still can’t find weasel, so peter calls in a favor with a reporter friend of his that works near the hellhouse, as it turns out, weasel was perfectly fine, he just got drunk and ballsy and the woman he took home robbed him blind, so weasel’s been sitting in his crappy apartment throwing himself a pity party for the last week, mostly because she took all his clothes too

peter felt bad and made wade invite weasel over for dinner, so now weasel comes around a lot, usually without calling first, and while wade’s normally happy to see him, there’s something about him that just rubs peter the wrong way, probably because he always drinks all the good booze when he visits and overstays his welcome


	804. Chapter 804

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

peter’s been bothered about something lately, wade can’t figure out what it is, he only knows it started after peter picked up that book on norse mythology last week

peter’s been sitting on the roof and staring at the sky, that’s his favorite place to think, which is where wade finds him again after he disappears after dinner

wade climbs up next to him and asks what’s wrong, and peter turns to him and asks, quietly, does it count as bestiality if you turn into the animal you’re fucking?

wade cracked up while peter explained that he can’t figure out if loki counts as a furry or not since he can shapeshift


	805. Chapter 805

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Imagine- Wade has a weird thing for Loki? Like, Spider-Hubby™ one day just kinda sees Wade wearing a Loki T-shirt, super fascinated w/ the guy, met him like once and now just really wants his autograph, and Wade just kinda goes on rants about how cool his outfit is or how pretty his hair looks or smth, idk, this could also be used but with mustard"

so loki shows up on earth and kinda makes waves, he’s brother of thor, part time avenger, full time god, and he’s got magic, and he doesn’t seem to really do anything heroic, just uses his powers to dick around in upstate new york, but man does he throw good parties

so he becomes a bit of a celebrity, he goes on tv shows and made an appearance in the eighteenth pirates of the caribbean movie, and he’s got three times as many followers as thor does on instagram

peter’s met the guy, so he’s not so much a fan as he is mildly annoyed by loki’s existence, loki does still take time out of his busy schedule to cause some mayhem wherever thor goes, which means peter has to deal with their sibling rivialry shit too, it’s never anything huge, just something big enough to get thor’s attention

well for whatever reason, wade’s become a fan, which makes peter insanely jealous, because that’s exactly how peter and wade’s relationship started, with wade being a massive spiderman fanboy

peter can’t even go in the bedroom now because wade started decorating it with loki posters and peter can’t trust himself to not tear them down

when wade accuses peter of stealing his loki’d t-shirt, and rightly so, peter gets huffy and says he doesn’t even know why wade cares about it, it’s just a tshirt

and suddenly wade realizes what peter’s doing, and why he’s been off lately, so he tells peter, you know i liked spiderman, but i love you

peter still makes him take down the posters though


	806. Chapter 806

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Peter is in the tower and gets blasted by a laser cannon and it destroys his suit leaving Peter in nothing but his boots and web shooters the avengers see all of Peter's tattoos and yes they're all spider based his first is on the spot where the spider bite that gave him his powers is it got addicting so hev got more"

the only bright side to being seen naked by all the avengers is that they chose to make fun of his tattoos instead of everything else

bruce pulled a, it’s ok you can tell us, we’ve seen you naked after all

but mostly everyone gives peter a hard time for being a massive dork and getting spider tattoos all over

thor trapped peter in an uncomfortable conversation about tattoos where he showed peter all his tattoos, which meant removing a lot of clothing, and then thor started talking about his R.I.P Loki tattoo and how loki wasn’t actually dead yet, which mostly turned into thor being sad and peter trying to cheer him up

natasha and clint keep sending peter tattoo design ideas, they’re all awful


	807. Chapter 807

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Since he's trying to be a better person, Wade stops taking merc jobs... This gives him way more downtime than he barganed for. Pete insists he find a hobby (that doesn't involve killing people... Or weapons!) because he loves his perfect psycho, but Wade is seriously getting on Peter's nerves."

wade is kind of a workaholic, he needs to constantly be doing something, which means with all his free time he’s taken up home repair, except he sucks at it and never finishes any of his projects, so there’s a massive hole in the ceiling where wade was going to install a new light, the shower still doesn’t work, and the carpet is now 16% more burned than it was last week

peter’s had enough, he went down to the local college, grabbed a course booklet, and went back home to shoved it in wade’s face and told him to pick a few classes, because wade’s going to college for peter’s sanity and the sake of their relationship

so he does, wade gets kicked out of fencing on day one for making two people bleed, he was having fun in metalsmithing until he accidentally cut off one of his own fingers and caused a small panic, he dropped his CAD class as soon as he realized how fucking boring it was, which left his beginners cooking class

as it turns out wade really has a talent for cooking, he brings home all his leftovers so peter can try them, peter’s _very appreciative_


	808. Chapter 808

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Does venom ever get super jealous & try to break up Spideybabe and Daddy DP?"

i wouldn’t call venom needy, i would however call venom attention seeking, and possibly a vindictive bitch

which means when venom feels like they’re not being given as much attention as say wade is getting from peter, then venom makes sure everybody knows how upset they are, sometimes when venom wants peter to pay attention, they’ll just lock peter’s knees so he has to hobble around everywhere and he can’t sit

its was a pretty hard adjustment period when peter and wade first moved in together, venom was not happy about being around wade so much since that means they hide more, and wade doesn’t get the right kind of meat, and wade keeps eating all the pudding cups, and wade sleeps too close to peter and venom has to work overtime to keep peter from overheating, and wade is always on peter’s mind, it gets real annoying real fast

but after venom tried shoving wade out the window in the middle of the night, peter and wade had a little sit down with venom to figure out how to make that not happen again


	809. Chapter 809

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade and peter having a bet that they’ll give the other some obnoxious amount of money if they manage to make tony (or any of the other avengers) say something embarrassing/awkward. bonus points for black widow?"

clint was too easy, they paid him in pizza

wade told steve that “nippley” was like a cool way of saying awesome, he got in trouble for that when steve said it in front of a camera

the next week when bruce got back, peter told him the same thing and he used it in the middle of an avengers meeting, wade got mad at peter for stealing his prank

peter got jarvis to switch tony’s cue cards just before a speech, he only read “The commissioner has a nice a-” before he realized what was happening

wade stole natasha’s phone and made it so that every time she typed clint it would read “your mom”

that one backfired spectacularly since natasha reported it to shield as a hacker getting into her shield tech, the emergency security protocols meant they were all stuck at a shield base for three days while peter and wade kept their mouths shut

the bet kind of died after that


	810. Chapter 810

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Wade and Peter are fighting a villain and wade accidentally cuts Peter's arm off the fight stops and said villain looks at Peter's arm at wade then at Peter surrenders then wade is trying to apologize to Peter and he just picks up his arm and attaches its back on and looks at wade points with his working finger and says "no talking and fifteen minutes later Peter's arm starts working and Peter looks at wade and says you're forgiven and pulls him in for a kiss"

due to an unfortunate incident which peter calls more magical bullshit, the avengers have all swapped bodies and until they can get back to normal, there’s still a world to save

unfortunately it takes a lot of getting used to, peter’s so useless without his spider sense, he keeps forgetting it’s gone and walks right into everything, but lucky for him he got wade’s body, but it still hurts like hell regrowing limbs, wade keeps telling peter not to give him any more brain damage than he already has

wade on the other hand is loving life as spiderman, he’s been super careful with peter’s body since he can die now, but then again he already tried attaching swords to the ends of webs and swinging them around, so “careful” is relative


	811. Chapter 811

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Been obsessed with the new marvel cartoons lately. Maybe a reintroduction of lady deadpool, who first notices a different (venom) spiderman, from the interwebs"

so wanda is a die hard spiderman fan, and there’s been some talk online about a copycat, some guy running around at night in a black suit with spiderman’s powers

wanda’s first thought is evil twin, and her second thought is she should find this guy and figure out what’s going on herself, because if it is just a copycat she can scare them into considering a costume redesign, and if it’s an evil twin, well killing an evil twin is on her bucket list, never said it had to be hers

finding the copycat is hard, and talking is even harder when all venom does is scream at her, but what makes her absolutely determined to find out what’s going on is when spiderman himself tells her to stay out of it, so of course she can’t stay away

purely by accident she figures out that venom doesn’t like the sound of her swords scraping against metal, so she blows up a construction site and the noise scares venom back inside an unconscious peter, whose still wearing the shreds of his spiderman costume


	812. Chapter 812

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "Continuation of cartoon lady Deadpool? She freaks out at the sight of pete's body, thinking he's just a dead fan of Spider-Man. But one of the boxes eventually calms her enough to send him to the hospital."

so at first glace he looks pretty much like a dead cosplayer, and wanda’s kind of worried that she just killed a not so innocent civilian, and after debating with her boxes, she decides to not take him to the hospital and instead take him home so he can’t snitch about her grievously injuring him

so when peter wakes up, tied and gagged on wanda’s couch, he’s pretty damn confused, he’s even more confused when wanda pops in to ask him if he wants syrup on his pancakes, he didn’t answer so she assumed that was a yes

when wanda finally ungagged him, peter demanded she tell him how she found him, because he thinks she knows he’s spiderman, she tells him she kicked his ass and then took him home when he passed out

and peter’s just like, oh thank god, but then things go a little south when wanda pulls out a knife and tells peter to show her how he does the spider suit magic trick, and so peter tries to explain about venom, and still somehow doesn’t mention he’s spiderman

so peter and wanda end up breaking into pym laboratories to see if they can extract venom, they just barely manage to get venom in a vial and escape before security got them

peter tells wanda he’ll see her around, and wanda takes that as an invitation to drop in unannounced in the middle of the night when peter’s coming back from patrol

peter’s mostly mad that she hadn’t actually known he was spiderman, he’s also mad about the lock she broke


	813. Chapter 813

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "Lady Deadpool pt.3 after Wanda builds a friendship with Pete/spidey, she begins to realize that she has a crush on both. And is still unaware of the truth. the boxes, along with herself begin to argue over who she really likes. Problem is unknowingly solved when venom breaks free of the vial and bonds with Spider-Man in a team up."

somehow, wanda still hasn’t figured out that peter and spiderman are the same person, even though peter thinks she has, which is why he’s gotten used to her breaking into his place all the time for snacks and chairs to bleed all over, and why he’s been teaming up with her more on patrols, he gets hurt a lot less when wanda’s watching his back

wanda on the other hand mostly stops by peter’s place just to talk to him, and to check on the venom goop he keeps in his closet, not the safest place in the world, so it’s always at the back of her mind, and ever since she took care of spidey’s evil twin, he’s actually talked to her, which is so much nicer than the usual threats and groans that people give her

and since peter and spidey are like the only two people that are nice to her, she starts catching feelings, this always happens when anybody is the slightest bit nice to her, but like peter and spidey are really really nice

like peter doesn’t complain about all the blood and leaves the window open for her now, and spidey brings her favorite foods to pre patrol snack time and last time she got her head ripped off, he stuck around long enough to make sure she woke up, waking up to somebody is kind of the best feeling in the world

so yeah she’s a little smitten, but she’s been going around and around in circles trying to figure out how she’s gonna make this work, because like she might be poly, but she doesn’t know if either of them are, or if peter and spiderman are even interested, she could just be blowing this out of proportion, and eventually the boxes just convince her to keep it a fantasy, since it’s too impossible to ever happen

that is until venom breaks out and takes over spiderman, and when wanda finally gets venom off of him again, most of his mask is torn to shreds, and that’s peter’s face smiling at her and saying thanks, and wanda just kind of blurts out there and then that she loves him, peter starts laughing because it’s the weirdest time and he’s just happy to be himself again

they go back to peter’s place after taking care of venom again, and since they’re both exhausted, they just pass out on the couch together, dating can wait until after a very well deserved nap


	814. Chapter 814

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "Prologue of the lady deadpool/ symbiote spidey series. How Wanda discovered spiderman and became his biggest fan. And how peter got knocked unconscious and bonded to venom."

she actually learned about spiderman while doing research on nyc for a hit she took, and peter still ended up getting right in the middle of everything, and as soon as peter figured out what she was trying to do, he followed her around the rest of the night, getting in the way every goddamn time she almost had the mark in her sights

they ended up fighting of course, and wanda’s shocked when she hits the pavement, hard, for such a scrawny looking guy, he’s freakishly strong, so of course wanda gets interested in him after he won, still raided the place for incriminating documents, and then dropped off the papers and her mark at the police station

she didn’t get paid, but she decides to stay in nyc for a bit longer, just for the hell of it

spiderman had been investigating a string of gruesome attacks, or maybe murders, the police aren’t sure either, but every crime scene is the same, some poor fucker laying in a back alley in a puddle of blood and what looks like tar, with most of their face, torso, and abdomen exploded outward, but the thing that really concerned peter, was the claw marks on all the victims, like something crawled out of them

of course if you wait long enough in back alleys, eventually trouble finds you

venom jumped peter, who narrowly dodged with his spider sense, they were at a standstill, venom was weak and couldn’t touch peter, and peter wasn’t going to let them go, so venom begged for mercy, which threw peter, and after learning that venom was just looking for a host, peter offered up himself, after all, he was stronger than everybody else venom had tried to bond with

it was the strangest thing peter had ever felt, and he never did get used to venom’s hiss in the back of his head, but this way nobody dies, including venom, happy ending right?

except peter started noticing venom grabbing the controls and pushing peter to do things he didn’t want to, and venom wouldn’t back down when they talked, eventually peter started having blackouts, he’d wake up on a roof downtown, or inside a building that had closed for the night, he always had something under his nails

peter got suspicious enough that after he woke up in bed with his suit still on, he took some of the nail gook and put it under his microscope, and found blood

peter and venom fought for control, venom insisting that they could keep them both safe, and peter because that’s his goddamn body and he didn’t want to hurt anybody

in the struggle, venom made peter slam his head back against the floor, hard, peter went limp, and venom took over


	815. Chapter 815

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "Pt 4 of lady deadpool. This takes about a year or two after wanda and peter started dating. Peter plans to propose to Wanda, while she has gotten increasingly busy. But before all is well, their love has been tested once again by none other than a certain symbiote who takes complete possession of our favourite web slinger, who cannot extract venom. Wanda is boogled by how difficult venom has become, but is actually glad that peter loved her. This helps peter regain control of himself."

so wanda’s been gaining a reputation in recent years, not so much as a merc, but more as a freelance hero, she’s been contracted with shield a couple times, and every once in a while the avengers call her up for especially dangerous missions, peter always worries when she goes on those

he’s happy that she can call herself a real hero now, but that also means she’s never around, what with peter’s dumb schedule and never taking a break, but that doesn’t matter, as soon as peter got enough money for a ring, he quit his extra jobs so he could actually see his girlfriend again

which is of course when shit hits the fan, venom escaped, and peter only finds out hours later, so of course he starts searching the city for venom, he’s afraid of another massacre, but of course the universe hates him, because in a worst case scenario, venom broke into pym labs, sucked up something that made it more powerful than ever, and took over peter in seconds, peter couldn’t even fight it this time around

wanda drops everything to find peter when she gets word that venom is rampaging again and he doesn’t pick up his phone, she really thought she had this in the bag, she lured venom to an outdoor concert stage, and blew out the speakers, but venom just screamed and got right back up, so like, now what

wanda tried talking to peter, but he was just so far gone, something had happened to venom, because this wasn’t the same symbiote she had defeated the last two times

wanda kept going over what peter had said about the symbiote in her head, there had to be something he said that could help, because she doesn’t know where to find something louder, unless there’s an antique fucking bell tower festival going on downtown

she remembers when she grabs venom and dives off a building, and venom hisses when they land in some kid’s spilled slushie, venom hates water

so then it’s just a matter of running to the waterfront while still keeping venom’s attention, well she has that, it’s more like trying not to get eaten

and when she gets there, she still has to figure out how to get venom in the water, he’s literally slime, have you tried pushing slime? it doesn’t fucking work

so as a last resort, she drops down on one knee and yells, “peter will you marry me!”, and what little piece of peter is still awake is stunned enough that venom just freezes, wanda takes advantage of it and body slams venom into the water, she dives right in after them as venom screams so loud she can already feel her ears bleeding

peter’s coughing up water by the time wanda pulls them both back on dry land, peter croaked, were you serious?, and wanda says about the proposing thing? yeah, i mean i had this whole thing with fireworks and balloons planned, but yeah

and peter laughs and pulls the ring he got her out of his pocket, they’re both laughing as wanda puts on the ring


	816. Chapter 816

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](http://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com), "In lady dead pool part 5, this is now their wedding. Both Pete and Wanda have mixed feelings. Excited, yet nervous. Peter has been planning a way to finally rid of himself and Wanda from venom's unrelenting persistence. But to no avail. Wanda is in disbelief that she gets to marry the man she loves. This time the tables turn when Cletus and carnage hold the former merc hostage. Peter, although reluctant, lets venom bond with him in order to get the job done."

the wedding takes a back seat to everything else that’s going on, peter’s working with the fantastic four trying to figure out what to do with venom, peter keeps insisting on sparing the symbiote, but so far they haven’t found a surefire way to contain it, wanda is stuck fixing the timeline after some mad scientist made a faulty time machine that jacked everything up

with the way things tumbled together, this time around, carnage came into being, they wreaked havoc and left a trail of destruction behind them as they escaped captivity and began rampaging, and peter just had to get in the way

peter quickly realized that he was no match for carnage on his own, and eventually got beaten down enough to release venom and ask for help, in exchange he had to promise venom freedom, it was the only choice at the time

carnage is younger and stronger than venom, their much deeper bond with their host was far stronger than peter and venom together, if they wanted a prayer of winning this battle, they needed a miracle

wanda was hop skipping through time, burning shit down and rearranging things as need be, it wasn’t the cleanest job, but she was the only one trying to do it, she knew something was wrong when she found venom attacking inmates at a small prison, far from where venom had been first imprisoned at the time, getting venom back to new york was supposed to fix the time line, but shit was still fucked when she got back to her own time, peter and venom were barely holding their own against a bigger badder symbiote, and wanda had the distinct feeling that she had missed something

wanda nabbed one of the venom trackers from the baxter building before racing back in time to find the origin of carnage, after that it was a simple fix of breaking into a high security prison, without letting any of the inmates escape, not run into herself hunting venom from the last time she time traveled here, and smash the giant slimy monster egg thing she found in the back of an empty cell, and then take a long shower until she couldn’t feel alien goo dripping down her suit anymore

back in the future, peter and venom collapsed in exhausted relief as carnage screamed, the symbiote disintegrating as they and casady were ripped apart and casady was warped back to his prison cell

this time around, venom left peter without a fight, all they asked is that they could be sent back into space, earth held too much bitterness and danger for them, perhaps somewhere else out there venom would find a good host, peter and wanda wished them well and shot them out of earth’s orbit in a small capsule

wanda joked that they should get married before anything else tried to kill them, but peter said you’re absolutely right, so they ran down to the courthouse, and wanda may have threatened a few people with a gun to speed up the process, and wanda also had to sort through a stack of fake ids to come up with something she could use, since, ya know, she’s still technically a canadian citizen, but they did it! they got their marriage license and ran home to take a nice long shower for one, and then pass out and celebrate being married tomorrow, today they just want to take a nap and celebrate not being dead


	817. Chapter 817

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [nygmobblepot-der-pool](https://nygmobblepot-der-pool.tumblr.com/), "Hi you should totally give us Peter w/ abandonment issues because of his parents, and he freaks out whenever Wade leaves abruptly."

wade just comes and goes, that’s what he does, but it becomes a problem when he and peter start dating, the first time after they got together when wade disappeared without a word for a two week mission in laos peter flipped shit

after half a day of wade not picking up, he went straight to the avengers and demanded jarvis give him all the information shield has on wade, he started hyperventilating when jarvis used shield tech to find wade in laos, because _why in the ever loving fuck would he be in laos without telling peter first_

peter’s normally pretty level headed so seeing him grab tony by the collar and demand a jet before he tries to fly one himself stuns everybody, maybe that’s why he got what he wanted, or maybe he freaked everyone else out too

either way wade wasn’t happy to see peter jump out of a jet, _without a parachute_ , into an active shooting to tell him off

they have a nice long talk when they get back home about communication and boundaries and not jumping out of planes without parachutes


	818. Chapter 818

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg do you have any headcanons for battle couple wade and peter"

wade makes a great springboard, he’s strong enough that peter can jump off his shoulders and not crack his collarbone

wade keeps some web melting goo in one of his pouches in case he gets stuck in peter’s discarded webbing

sometimes peter and wade switch costumes to throw off the bad guys, drove taskmaster crazy

peter uses his webs to toss bad guys wade’s way, and if they’re ever in a pinch wade will shout and peter will drop to the ground while wade mows down the enemies around them


	819. Chapter 819

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "For your Mermaid!Peter AU I have a headcanon that Peter loves the surface, and he collects little things he finds in old sunken ships. He gets books, chains, keys, forks, and even military dog tags with the name Peter Parker, so that's what Wade calls him when they meet and Peter is really eager to learn how to speak a human language and read through Wade's teaching"

the learning barrier sucks, and peter and wade are both easily distracted and impatient, but eventually peter starts picking up enough english to talk, he sounds like he’s gargling knives, but it’s understandable

peter _loves books_ , after wade showed him how they work, he’s been trying to figure out reading, they have a little celebration when peter finishes a book on his own, it’s a child’s picture book but still

peter has problems keeping books dry, so wade gets him like a waterproof nook and after basically telling peter it’s magic bc he doesn’t know how they work either, peter eats up everything on the nook

unfortunately it has a lot of classics so peter starts trying to use victorian appropriate speech which sounds super weird coming from a mermaid, wade has to keep correcting peter when he talks because he has to guess how to pronounce most of the words he reads

every week wade brings a new human thing for peter to horde, wade is a terrible person, he’s been telling peter that forks are used for brushing hair and snow globes are funeral decorations and umbrellas are used to collect water, peter gets mad every time he figures out wade lied again


	820. Chapter 820

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade rarely ever gets flustered. Usually it's him making Peter embarrassed with his comments and flirting. But one day Peter, by some strange magic, actually gets Wade to genuinely blush with his mask off and Peter thinks it's the most adorable thing he's ever seen. And so he goes about a serious mission: get Wade to do that more often."

it’s something dumb, peter and wade are at home, not really doing anything and peter starts singing avril lavigne’s girlfriend at wade, and wade just flushes scarlet and tries to hide his face, peter fell in love with him all over again

from then on peter tries to make wade blush whenever he can, kissing in public, telling wade how much he loves him, getting dumb sentimental gifts, and singing cheesy love songs


	821. Chapter 821

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [nygmobblepot-der-pool](https://nygmobblepot-der-pool.tumblr.com/), "Peter is a total whore for chocolate and Wade thinks it’s hilarious. You can’t buy any chocolate without Peter finding it and eating it within hours. Wade even wakes up sometimes to find Peter chomping down on chocolate in the kitchen at 2am. Peter will even go as far as offering Wade ~favors~ if Wade shares any chocolate he’s eating"

peter’s super senses mean chocolate tastes fucking awesome, he can smell the chocolate before wade even gets home so he’ll meet wade at the door and dig it out before wade can even put down the groceries

its peter’s go to snack, he’s got a secret stash up above the cabinets in the kitchen, but it normally doesn’t last more than two days

for their anniversary wade got naked and covered himself in chocolate sauce before peter got home, it was probably the best sex they’ve ever had

after peter almost died trying to save the world, wade wanted to do something for peter, something that would make him happy, so he “borrowed” a shield jet and flew peter down to Hershey, Pennsylvania

peter ate an ungodly amount of chocolate and had the time of his goddam life, wade thought it was a lot like letting a dog loose in a peanut butter vat


	822. Chapter 822

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "F*ck Marry Kill: Spider-Man, Deadpool, Venom?"

fuck wade: least likely to accidentally kill me during sex

marry venom: i am totally cool with being possessed bc then somebody else can try to keep me alive for a while

kill peter: it’s nothing personal


	823. Chapter 823

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, extra spidery, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [axktheterrifyingghost](http://axktheterrifyingghost.tumblr.com/), "What would venom and wade think of man-spider? Man-spider is basically when Peter gets poisoned from something in the savage lands and becomes mutated. Man-Spider has all of Peter's feelings but none of his memories and is probably savage as well."

venom would be happy to begin with because more arms and less resistance, but in the end peter is still peter, so he’d still be a bitch to work with since he likes not having his brain invaded, but together they’d make one awesome killing machine

wade would get used to it pretty easily, more limbs just means more fun right?, but then he’d realize that peter doesn’t recognize him at all and it turns into a reverse beauty and the beast situation where wade’s following peter around trying to win him over again, he did it before so he can do it again


	824. Chapter 824

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "there's a type of spider from brazil (i think it's the brazilian wandering spider) that, if you're bitten by it, a side effect of the venom can cause very intense and long-lasting erections. hmmmmm 👀"

so maybe peter has similar venom and he just doesn’t know it yet because he’s never tried to bite anybody before, and wade uses peter’s toothbrush because he doesn’t want to find his own, and almost immediately his mouth starts burning, like my flesh feels like it’s melting kind of burning

peter finds wade screaming in his bathroom and immediately tries to take him to the tower med bay, but wade makes it known that he’s not going near a fucking doctor even if it kills him, again and again

so peter picks up some ice cream to bring wade, but when he gets home wade is convulsing on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit, so peter puts his foot down and calls jarvis, who sends a car to pick them up

wade comes to a bit later when peter’s putting him in the car and almost at the same time peter and wade both realize that wade is sporting a _straining erection_

peter doesn’t say anything, just gets wade in the car and buckles in, he’s a little too worried to make jokes, that would make wade worried if he wasn’t so out of it

after a few blood tests, bruce manages to figure out that wade was somehow poisoned, peter tells him that wade was brushing his teeth just before he started seeing symptoms, so peter runs home and grabs the toothbrush so the lab can figure out what wade was poisoned with

of course by the time they figure out what kind of venom it is, wade’s already well on his way to recovery, when peter went in to see him, he was holding a pillow over his crotch and making awkward excuses, and peter just starts laughing and laughing out of relief and the sheer stupidity of it all


	825. Chapter 825

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So one day Peter gets just enough money to buy Wade a spontaneous small gift, like a new sweater with Golden Girls on it or something, and Wade is so happy that he starts to cry because nobody gives him gifts and Peter THOUGHT about him and he wears it every day, and it’s the only thing he owns that he’s actually careful not to slice or stain. Peter is determined to get him more gifts if it makes Wade THAT happy"

like wade has never been given a real gift in a long time, like nobody picked up something they thought he would like, nobody went out of their way to try and make him happy like that

and peter is fucking appalled, so now he’s determined to get wade something nice every time his paycheck comes in, peter’s kind of broke so it’s always something little, sword shaped toothpicks, a golden girls vhs he found at the thrift shop, knockoff deadpool merch because peter thinks its so cool that wade has merch now, a box of wade’s favorite poptarts

and every single time peter visits wade and says hey i got you something, wade just starts smiling and he stays that way for days, peter gets that warm fluttery feeling in his stomach every time he makes wade smile, so there’s no way he’s stopping now


	826. Chapter 826

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, murder, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So my headcanon is that Peter's healing factor is actually as good as Wade's, or at least as good as Wolverine's, except that a) he doesn't eat NEARLY as much as he should be eating because he has no time or money, and b) he doesn't get any sleep, and c) he is constantly getting injured. (I know Peter is already basically a minor god power-wise, but I figure that means there's no problem with pumping him up a little more, and it eliminates the inherent tragedy of a mortal/immortal romance.)"

so peter is just so fucking depressed and anxious and starving and sleep deprived and beat up and just generally exhausted that his healing factor sucks compared to wade’s because peter’s is already working overtime, like if he took a nap he’d be so much better off

he had to find that out the hard way though, he was fighting doc oc alone and got caught when part of a building collapsed on him, doc oc dug him out and tore into peter’s broken body with one of his giant tentacle claws, pulling out his still beating heart, the slow motion was on every news network for weeks

peter woke up about a month later, tied in a sitting position to a ripped office chair with no wheels, it doesn’t quite feel like hell or heaven, just weird

and then wade walks through the door humming something, and peter says wade and wade jumps and drops his newly microwaved hotpocket and screams SWEET MOTHER OF HOLY FUCKING SHIT

but it’s wade, so

peter snaps the twine holding him and asks wade what happened, but when he tries to get up his legs give out on him, wade helps him up and after making very sure that peter has a pulse and like isn’t a zombie or something, explains what happened

so then peter just has to ask, so you took my dead body home, and tied me to a chair in your bedroom

wade just says it would’ve been weird if he’d left peter in the kitchen instead


	827. Chapter 827

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So what does peter think about the fact that Wade was just keeping his corpse around? Did wade notice him healing after a week or two? Or did he just wanna decorate the house with a dead guy"

peter doesn’t really want to touch that again ever, but like he didn’t wake up six feet under and immediately suffocate to death again, so he’s gonna forgive wade this one

and to be honest, wade didn’t notice peter was healing, he fixed up the damage as best he could, covered peter’s chest in duct tape, and hid everything with a sweater, and that was that


	828. Chapter 828

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "this might be waaaay too soon to ask, but I really like the healing thing you've been doing and it would be really cool if you could continue that at some point"

no one knows how spiderman came back, there’s theories ranging from alien lookalikes to the avengers secretly cloning spiderman for this exact situation, they’re all wrong though

peter still doesn’t understand why wade is so reckless with his healing factor, like sure if you lose an arm it’ll grow back, but in the meantime that shit hurts, so peter starts looking out for wade more when they’re fighting together, and wade’s still scared of losing peter, so he keeps dropping by peter’s place unannounced to make sure he’s taking care of himself, he’s usually not

peter got mad at wade for breaking his lock for the third time sneaking into his house past midnight, and accidentally yelled, then why don’t you just fucking live here instead, so that’s how wade moved in with peter, peter keeps grumbling about it, but everybody can see he’s happy, he’s certainly doing a lot better now that he sleeps a normal amount and actually eats enough to keep up with his super metabolism


	829. Chapter 829

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, suicide, depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [skater314159](https://skater314159.tumblr.com/), "hey, wade must've know something was up... i mean dead bodies start decaying and smelling bad right away (i used to drive the body van and was a autopsy assistant) so even in NYC in winter, it'd got yucky fast plus Wade was prolly in denial over it all so i think its funny and kinda romantical - but NOW Wade is really keeping up on Peter's sleeping and eating and self-care! He buys him good food and takes him to the gym and tucks him in at nite."

wade never cleans his own brain goo out of the carpet, his whole place just smells like death because he honestly couldn’t be bothered to clean, it’ll just end up gross again, so he just kind of assumes peter’s decaying

and wade’s got a reallllly terrible sense of time when he’s not doing so great, mental stability wise, so passing the time in a suicidal/depressive funk means he’s got no clue if it’s been a week or a year, he’s just wants to be not conscious, he just lost his best friend and potential future boyfriend after all

and yeah after peter goes home, he keeps catching wade patrolling around his apartment, or sneaking in his house to put more food in his fridge, once he kidnapped peter from work because he was going to pull another all nighter, wade’s just afraid of losing peter again


	830. Chapter 830

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [roanoaks](https://roanoaks.tumblr.com/%22%22), "Darker one but what if Peter can like, see auras if that makes sense and he kinda doesn't interact with people the same way because of it? Like, when he sees aura's he 'likes' then he goes to befriend the person, but for the most part he's with them for their auras and not themselves. He doesn't actually get to know very many people because of it, and sometimes it confuses people. Anyway, so when he finds aura's he loves, not just likes, he doesn't fall in love with the person, he falls for their auras, not their person, which is a little weird and no one gets it but like, the first time it happens is with Gwen, and he doesn’t fall in love with her, he falls in love with her aura - which is mor like an essance then a personality. (Further add on, here - since he doesn’t really interact with people the same way, they get to know the IDEA of him, and not necasarily him-him) anyways, problem with falling love with AURAs and not the actual person is he kinda just wants to keep the auras, and so he doesn’t really understand that that’s a bad thing, until he tells Gwen about it and Gwen’s like, sure, yeah, because she doesn’t understand and he litteraly just locks her up, and she ahs no idea that’s what he meant so she freaks out and they promptly break up. Cue Peter not really understanding what to do because he doesnt really know how to get to know a person, and he eventualy just escapes into super-heroing. Then, he meets Wade, who has a fucking (4) weird aura, and he fucking loves it, and he ends up dating Wade before even knowing Wade. And Wade doesn’t really get Spider-man cuz he keeps talking about auras, but eventually Peter realizes that theres actually MORE to Wade, then just his aura (Which he still insanely loves) and actually starts getting to know Wade. Cue Peter getting that obsession to just Keep Wade To Himself and he tells Wade, and Wade’s totally cool with it… I don’t know where I was going with this, continue it?"

it’s a bit like peter can see more wavelengths than everyone else can, his perception of the world is just so different that he’s not really sure how to limit himself so that he can share the same experiences that everyone else has

auras are more of a feeling than an actual physical thing, and when peter was around gwen he was just stuck in awe of her aura, it was perfect

but with gwen it was a bit of a miscommunication, she didn’t understand what peter was telling her, but she wasn’t about to call him crazy or anything, first of all that’s a dick move and second of all it didn’t sound so weird when peter explained it, after all she believed in ghosts so why not auras

but then peter gets excited and takes her home where he’s basically made the human equivalent of a hamster cage in his basement and she fucking runs because that’s a serial killer move, peter’s shocked when she punches him in the face when he tries to stop her, she gets a restraining order the next week and that’s the last peter sees of her

fearing a repeat of his last failed relationship, peter throws himself into super heroing, at least that’s easier in a way

but then he meets wade, and wade is fascinating, he’s completely different from anyone else peter has ever met, his aura wasn’t beautiful like gwen’s was, it was weird and new and fascinating, so peter, despite himself, started taking every excuse to stay around wade

peter’s the one who initiates the relationship, he just wants so much to be around wade more that he gives in, but this time when he tries explaining to wade what he wants, well wade doesn’t really get it either but when he sees peter’s totally not a murder room, he’s like ok so i’m gonna be your kept man

and well it’s not what peter was going for but he’s also not running for the hills so that’s a plus

first wade sets boundaries, which peter reluctantly agrees to, basically they’re gonna try it for a month and wade gets a kill switch, he hits that and he can walk out at any time, which peter reaaaally doesn’t like, but again, better than running for the hills

for wade this is kinda like a vacation, he can do whatever the hell he wants and peter will get him anything he asks for, and he gets to hang out with his equally weird ass boyfriend all the time

peter is sort of new to the whole “emotional intimacy“ thing, so wade ends up getting him to talk and open up more and wade listens to all his weird ass ramblings about auras and how he can’t really describe it well, and in turn wade rambles about his own weird theories and a lot of it doesn’t make sense to peter

one night peter and wade were in the basement, watching a movie together, wade was half asleep in peter’s lap on the couch, and peter was stroking the skin on wade’s cheek, and he just had this sudden realization, he likes wade’s skin, like that doesn’t really seem big, but it’s the first time peter’s ever liked something about someone that wasn’t their aura

peter starts getting interested in wade, like as a person, and it’s weird and new and he _likes_ wade

so when the end of the month comes around, peter panics because he can’t lose wade now, and he disables the kill switch so wade can’t leave


	831. Chapter 831

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [skater314159](https://skater314159.tumblr.com/), "so does Wade even know the kill switch doesn't work??? why would he even use it because he's happy Peter genuinely likes his skin???"

well first of all, peter did exactly what he promised he wouldn’t, and tried to trap wade, which is a huge problem for wade, him and cages don’t get along so well, so when peter was out, wade threw whatever he could find at the door, and eventually broke the lock after slamming himself into the door enough times that his arm was basically a bloody useless pulp

he’s been in enough bad relationships to know he couldn’t ignore the warning signs anymore, so he ran, and he made sure he never went back to new york again


	832. Chapter 832

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, kidnapping, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "but abt that aura thing, what if peter totally missunderstand the whole thing and finds the cage empty and the door broken open, and he thinks someone took wade? so he goes all out to find wade, but wade has to try his hardest to stay hidden"

ho shit, ok so peter’s first reaction is to immediately look for wade, he’s just so sure somebody else broke him out and kidnapped him, since wade loves him, right?

peter packs up and chases any lead he can find about wade, and it becomes more and more obvious as he goes that wade’s running voluntarily, but he doesn’t think about that, he keeps looking for wade

wade is an immortal badass, he’s not supposed to be afraid of anything, but he’s still trying to run from peter, he does not give up, and it’s a little unsettling that peter can always find him in a matter of days, wade hasn’t stopped moving since he escaped

the only choice now is to fight, except that blows up in his face, almost literally, peter is like the fucking terminator, he barehanded climbed a 30 story building to get to wade, and no matter what wade does, he can’t seem to hit peter with anything, not bullets or knives or bombs, it’s like he already knows what’s coming

as a last ditch effort wade holds his own gun to his head and threatens to shoot himself if peter doesn’t leave him alone, peter didn’t stop, and wade pulled the trigger

wade woke up back in new york in that fucking cage, but now it’s stronger, and peter left him a note saying no one could take him anymore, and how much he loves him


	833. Chapter 833

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [alien-cafe](https://alien-cafe.tumblr.com/), "Soulmate AU where you start to take on characteristics of your soul mate when you meet them. Wade wakes up one day with one blue eye and one brown eye, and parts of his arms and legs healed. The skin can’t possibly be his, though, he didn’t have freckles before weapon x. Peter finds scar tissue forming like tiger stripes on his arms and legs, as well as a blue and brown eye. Identity porn ensues."

peter feels really bad for whoever his soulmate is, they should be easy to find, but the problem is peter doesn’t remember meeting anyone with scars like this, and the new eye is starting to freak him out

wade is panicking, he wasn’t supposed to have a soulmate, so what the hell does he do now, well at least it should be easy to find somebody with scars like his

so peter puts up his pictures on a soulmate matching site, and wade finds it while he’s looking for clues, pay’s somebody to trace peter’s laptop, and pays peter an impromptu visit, in the middle of the night

he didn’t actually mean to wake peter up, he was just going to check that this was the right guy and go from there, but as soon as he slid the window open, peter smashed his face in with a bat, and then ran outside to see if he needed to call an ambulance

wade might be in love


	834. Chapter 834

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oooh! What happens next in the matching characteristics soulmate AU?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Plz more of the new soulmate au”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “i <3 <3 <3 the soulmate AU!!!! OMG!!! can u pretty please with maple syrup and papershell pecans on top please write some more???”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Omg that soulmate one was hilarious! What happens after Peter goes to check in Wade?”

for all intents and purposes wade looks dead, not moving, bleeding out on the pavement with a cracked skull, so peter pulls up the mask to check if the guy is breathing, and he sees scars and one blue and one brown eye, and his first thought is “oh fuck, i killed my soulmate” but then wade smiles and sits up, and peter jumps and tries to hit him in the head with the bat again, reflexes, but wade catches it this time

wade holds out his limp hand, wrist obviously broken, for peter to shake and gives peter his name, peter immediately calls an ambulance and tries to stop as much bleeding as he can, but then wade gets up and walks away, and peter has to explain to the emergency response team that a near dead guy got up and walked away, they didn’t believe him

wade breaks into peter’s house sometimes when peter isn’t home, it’s always to leave him flowers or some sort of gift, he even wrote a god awful poem once, it’s partly romantic, mostly creepy, peter tries calling the cops but he doesn’t have a name or anything to give them, so that doesn’t go anywhere

so peter decided to leave a note for wade, he just put an envelope on his kitchen table addressed to “my soulmate”, it says stop breaking into my fucking house, so wade gets a replica key somehow, they communicate with notes for a while until peter gets tired of it, because this is fucking ridiculous, so he invites wade over for dinner, and wade shows up at peter’s front door at 6 wearing his mask and a tux and carrying an obscene amount of roses

peter sits him down and has a talk with him about “boundaries” and how wade seems to have none, and then he says he’s willing to give this a chance, they’re soulmates after all, but wade has to stop doing the creepy stalker thing, so wade agrees, and as it turns out, wade’s pretty sweet when he isn’t breaking into houses


	835. Chapter 835

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "idk if u keep up with the dp/Spider-Man comics but if so how do you feel about the oldie issue where wade’s been keeping peter alive by giving him his blood but in turn he’s slowly dying? ALSO I’d love a venom!spidey/wade headcanon. Like how would wade react to the symbiote and how does venom react to wade?"

so peter doesn’t exactly know how to breach the subject, like how do you tell your partner that you have an alien living inside of you

well wade ends up finding out without peter’s help, he had snuck in peter’s bedroom window to surprise him, but peter was in the shower, the only time venom detaches from him, so wade decided to fix himself something to eat, but when he opened the fridge, there was a black pulsing mass that hissed at him

wade burst in on peter in the shower, threw a towel at him and started dragging peter towards the door because there is something alive in your kitchen and i’m going to burn the house down before it finds us

so peter has to wrestle wade back to the kitchen and explain himself, all while venom settles back in

wade just wants to know if venom was there when they did the do, that’s a lot harder to get over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did like that issue, hell it sounds like something i’d write, so of course i’d like it


	836. Chapter 836

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Consider: peter cries when he’s enraged. Not in a helpless way, but in a I-have-so-much-emotion-that-it’s-coming-out-of-me-as-tears way. Wade cries when he sees cute things or has intense feelings of love."

peter’s such an easy crier, he bawls when he’s happy and ugly cries when he’s mad as hell, so many frustration tears, and he just can’t fucking stop

he’s had to take a break from fighting electro before because he couldn’t figure out how to stop him and ended up making his mask so soggy he was practically waterboarding himself

wade on the other hand isn’t one for tears, existence is pain and all that, but it’s just too much of a bother to cry about it, but there are sometimes that he just gets so much feeling welling up inside that his tear ducts start leaking

wade just loves cute things, and when he finds something so fucking adorable that he just wants to punch something bc he can’t handle it anymore, he can’t hold all his emotions inside and just starts crying

and then when he’s around peter, and peter just does something that makes wade look at him like he put the stars in the night sky, wade starts welling up because he just loves peter so much, and he’s just so damn happy around him, which makes peter start to cry, so they both end up crying together in the kitchen at three am a lot because they’re both such sappy idiots


	837. Chapter 837

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, waiter au, no powers au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/), "Can I request cute waiter au? Peter, Gwen, MJ, and Harry have a night out and go to a restaurant. Their waiter, Wade, is drop-dead gorgeous: 6'5", big arms, broad shoulders, blonde hair cut short, striking blue eyes, and a smoldering, devilish grin. Peter is smitten, and his friends are having fun watching the two."

peter is so bad at hiding it, he forgets to talk when wade comes over to take their order, and harry rolls his eyes while mj orders for him, peter spends the next ten minutes agonizing over what an absolute idiot he is while his friends try to get him to do something about it

wade is a goddamn masterpiece and he knows it, he’s a massive flirt at work and he probably gets the most tips out of everybody there because of it, the cute nerd over at table six can’t even talk and it’s _adorable_ , so wade decides to make his life hell

wade comes over to their table a lot, like a lot lot, every time peter can barely manage to speak, and every time wade comes by, he’s got a new innuendo, peter is flushing up to his roots

peter’s friends try talking to wade for peter, mj makes a point to ask if he works out, to which wade rolled up his sleeves and flexed his beefy bicep in front of peter, gwen kicked peter under the table so he’d stop drooling, harry suggests very loudly that peter feel wade’s bicep since it’s already there

peter bails and hides in the bathroom, he’s still trying to work up the nerve to go back out and face his friends and Wade The Hot Waiter, when who else but wade walks in the bathroom and locks the door behind him

peter is internally blue screening, wade walks up to him and holds up his number written on a torn receipt, he very suggestively sticks it in peter’s back pocket before telling peter to call when he gets off work at 6, and then he left

harry had to come and find peter, since his friends were a little worried that he’d hyperventilated in the bathroom or something, peter didn’t mention the phone number and let harry drag him back to the table, lunch was a special kind of hell, but when he was leaving, he turned back around and saw wade watching him leave, when wade realized he’d been caught he winked, and peter practically ran home

 

alternate ending: they fuck in the bathroom and wade tucks his number into the waistband of peter’s boxers and leaves him looking utterly debauched on the bathroom floor


	838. Chapter 838

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, waiter au, no powers au, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [eeirien](http://eeirien.tumblr.com/), "so about the devilish handsome waiter Wade and nervous speechless nerd Peter, is peter just another one or something more to wade? peter texts wade the next day and they get to know each other better and wade starts to fall in love with the dork cause deep inside he's also a dork? (cue lots of vines and memes references/quotes through the texting)"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oooh that waiter AU! Peter you poor, precious baby >< How long does it take him to actually work up the balls to call Wade?”

peter chickens out that night, but the next day he finally gets himself to text wade, who said he almost thought peter wasn’t going to call, they meet up at peter’s favorite bar, and wade challenges peter to a drinking contest, which is a terrible idea since both of them have a stupid high tolerance, they both end up getting absolutely smashed and making fools of themselves

peter’s the only one that can remember his address, so they go to peter’s house afterwards, peter puts on a disney movie and they share a bucket of sherbert ice cream before they both pass out of the couch

in the morning, peter’s scrambling to get ready since he’s late for work, wade makes some coffee while rubbing his temples, peter’s in such a rush that he tells wade “can you lock the door when you leave thanks” and doesn’t even wait for a reply before he kisses wade on the cheek and runs out the door

wade is…., well he’s fucking hungover is what he is, he hadn’t meant to get black out drunk, so now last night is mostly a big mystery, which sucks because he likes remembering when he gets laid, and peter seemed like the kinda guy that was shy in public and a monster in bed, but now he can’t even remember it

peter can remember _everything_ from last night, and he’s getting second hand embarrassment from his past self, he should have never taken that bet, but overall it had been a fun night, wade had been funny and charming and also not so charming, but that’s wade, so peter finally decided to text him again “last night was fun, want to do that again sometime but with less alcohol”

normally wade just sticks to one night stands, but he said fuck it and said yes


	839. Chapter 839

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, abusive relationship, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "so, peter had an abusive ex (someone from the comics or an oc whatever floats your boat) and broke off with them and decided to give a shot to a relationship with wade, but after a few months peter broke up with wade to go back to his abusive ex arms for whatever reason (sorry but i'm in such a sadboy vibes and the weekend's new ep just amplified it *mourns while listening to privilege*)"

peter’s last relationship seriously fucked him up, she had an anger problem and refused to seek help, peter kept forgiving her because he believed it wasn’t her fault, may put her foot down and told peter to break up with her when she had to pick peter up late one night after the police were called to settle a domestic dispute

it’s not like she could really hurt peter physically, but she knew almost everything about him and used it against him when she got angry, she always apologized later and peter always forgave her because he loved her

peter doesn’t look for another relationship after that, honestly with wade it just sort of snuck up on him, one minute they’re trading dumbest villain stories and the next they’re making out on wade’s couch, peter will swear up and down that it was an accident, no one believes him

their relationship was going great, until peter started second guessing himself and overthinking things, wade isn’t great with communicating feelings and sharing worries, so peter can’t tell if he’s doing this right and instead of talking to wade about it, he bottles it up inside and keeps getting more and more paranoid, until he decides that wade’s just humoring him after this long, and breaks up with him

wade is heartbroken, but he respects peter’s decision, their friendship suffers greatly

almost immediately after making it facebook official and crying it out at home, peter gets a message from his ex, she’s in town again and wants to talk, just talk, and maybe it’s because peter’s raw and upset, but he says yes

she tells him how she’s better now, she’s taken anger management classes and she’s still in love with him, and peter, against his better judgement decides to try again

when wade hears about this he may have flipped out a little, because peter dumped him to get back together with her, and he couldn’t even be honest about it?

so wade’s got a huge fucking problem with her now, and when he goes to threaten her in person, she’s fucking terrified, he has an actual gun and she’s sure she’s going to die

when wade leaves she immediately runs home and calls peter to tell him what happened, so peter says he’ll take care of it, and when peter finds wade, on an empty rooftop, also it’s raining, he tackles him and tells him to stay the hell away from his girlfriend, and wade’s not pulling his punches and yelling back that he just wanted to scare her in case she was going to try anything, and peter’s screaming why the hell would you do that, and wade, caught up in the moment, yells i love you

and they both stop, because that’s the first time peter’s heard wade say that, peter punches wade one more time because he’s still mad at wade for not saying that sooner and avoiding this whole mess, and then peter realizes he has to break up with his girlfriend

peter invites her to his house and says we need to talk, and immediately her face falls, and when peter tells her why, she gets fucking mad, she yells at him for cheating on her and using her to get back at wade, and as a final parting gift, she picks up ben’s urn and throws it against the wall


	840. Chapter 840

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is turned on by Peter’s freckles. The first time Pete pulled his mask up to his nose as spiderman, wade was like woah. He later found out that those freckles go everywhere — over Peter’s cheeks and forehead, shoulders, down his chest, and even trail down towards his groin."

wade spends a lot of time wondering about the man behind the mask, what he’d be like, what he’d look like, he probably has a secret cave somewhere like batman, or maybe just a regular cave, maybe he works at a spider museum? is that a thing? or maybe he could be somebody famous and that’s why he’s so set on hiding his identity

but when spidey first lifted up his mask around wade, because he finally gave in and agreed to eat whatever wade brought, he had freckles all over his nose and cheeks and chin, and when peter gave him a funny look for staring, wade just said happily, you have freckles!

much later, after peter’s seen wade’s skin and still stuck around, they get stuck because neither of them will make the first move, until peter says one day, wade, you like my freckles right, and wade says yeah, and peter says and i like your scars, and wade says really, and peter says yeah

they sit in silence until wade says, you wanna make out, peter says yeah

wade found out not too long after that peter’s got freckles _all_ over


	841. Chapter 841

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter learned something very interesting: not only is Wade multilingual, but he speaks certain languages in certain emotions (ex. whenever he’s excited he speaks Japanese) and Wade does it without realizing. Sometimes Peter likes it, like the Japanese, or French during sexy times, but other times Peter hates it, like when they’re arguing and Wade goes off in German and “WADE YOU KNOW I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THAT” sorry, I just really love multilingual Wade"

wade’s been all over and peter loves hearing about wade’s adventures, albeit abridged and pg-13, sometimes wade will remember something he ate in japan or somewhere and will not rest until he can eat it again, so the pantry gets a weird mix of spices peter can’t pronounce and twelve different kinds of flour, which do not all go in cookies peter found out the hard way

but the thing peter loves most is when wade gets so excited about something he starts shouting in another language, wade says it’s probably because you can’t get as excited in english as you can in something else

but then again it’s not always fun, like when peter and wade get into an argument, wade sometimes switches into german because he knows more swears in german than he does in english, which makes peter mad because he can’t understand him, and then wade gets mad because peter can’t understand him, it’s a bad cycle


	842. Chapter 842

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [skater314159](https://skater314159.tumblr.com/), "i've always loved blushing wade, like it's the perfect thing! it's a go to day dream for me when i'm down or in pain... i love blushing and/or flustered Wade i mean he's allreddy big and hunky and cute and a dork (all 100% awesome) but add blushing and flustered ajdkslsnhks its now 1000000% awesome! just for your situational awareness..."

it actually doesn’t take a lot to make wade blush, it’s just that nobody seems to be able to do it because they’re all going about it the wrong way, it’s not raunchy jokes or terrible stories about his embarrassing antics that work, hell he tells most of those himself

it’s romantic gestures that do it, if anybody told him in the moonlight that he looked beautiful, he’d go red all over, dark enough to stand out over the scars on his face

someone buying him flowers for no reason, random texts during the day that just say i love you, a proposal in the rain and he’d just die


	843. Chapter 843

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Peter can see the future like actual visions which is how he met wade some things he can't avoid like being a part of the avengers watching people be morons and he hasn't ever told anyone he can see the future except for May because he had a vision in front of her and tony because he's like a father to him and his sight saved Tony from another abduction and torture"

the visions didn’t start until almost a year after he got his powers, and even then he wasn’t sure if it was just hallucinations or what, but then the things he saw started happening in real life, and it just got harder from there, he can’t just not do anything if he knows something bad is going to happen, unfortunately that means sometimes he ends up causing the things he saw in his visions

when peter gets a vision, he kind of stops functioning, doesn’t move or breathe or hear or speak, he’s frozen, so when it stops he’s always gasping for breath, it ended up happening around may so much that she tried to take him to the hospital, even if they couldn’t afford it, so peter broke down and told her everything, he’d rather have her know than worry

visions are unpredictable, he doesn’t know when or where they happen, and sometimes what he sees can be misleading, like when he first met wade, he’d had a vision of wade pulling out a gun and shooting it off in the middle of the street, so when peter saw him for the first time, he immediately attacked wade, which meant that the bomber that wade was chasing got away, as it turns out wade had been shooting at a bomb in peter’s vision so that it wouldn’t hit the ground

wade was surprisingly cool with peter kind of breaking his ribs, and letting his target get away, and accusing him of murder before he killed anybody…. that peter knows of

but peter just felt so bad that he kept trying to make it up to wade by teaming up a lot and buying lunch, and they ended up becoming friends because of it


	844. Chapter 844

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman, gore, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Add on to Peter sees the future Peter was hit with four visions of his death three are horrific but the fourth is what Peter strives for he dies in wade's arms at 129 with their gaggle of children and grandchildren and great grandson after seeing this life Peter will stop at nothing for it to happen"

he barely avoids the first vision, dying in a plane crash after losing his leg when the plane got hit by a missile, peter just barely manages to tear the emergency exit open and throw himself out of it before the plane hit the ground and went up in flames, it was a miracle he didn’t still die of blood loss

the second almost gets him too, strangled to death at the hands of his friend and enemy, harry, the second green goblin, peter always goes easy on him because he’s still fighting his friend, but the goblin uses that to his advantage and catches peter off guard, peter uses what strength he has left to activate one of the pumpkin bombs on goblin’s belt, the blast throws them apart, peter left with a concussion and his life, harry didn’t

the third is when he gets eaten alive by a frankenstein spider monster doc oc cobbled together using peter’s dna, oc had been controlling the monster with a device embedded in it’s head, as desperate to survive as peter was, after what happened with harry, he wasn’t willing to sacrifice anyone else to keep himself alive, not even the monster, the only way peter could get close enough to hurt it was to let the monster sink it’s fangs into him

so he did, it didn’t paralyze him like it did to other people so peter could feel the pain and screamed, fighting through the pain, peter shoved his hand through one of the monster’s eyes and ripped out the mind control device, but by then it was too late, he was missing an arm, part of his neck and most of his abdomen

peter never really expected to live to see the fourth vision anyways, it was always going to end this way


	845. Chapter 845

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is close with Wade and knows that he’s Deadpool. Wade, however, doesn’t know that Spidey and Pete are the same person. They’re close enough that Ellie is pretty familiar with Peter. Ellie, like father like daughter, is a huge Spiderman fan. Wade, knowing this, convinces Spidey to show up to Ellie’s birthday. Ellie sees through Pete’s bullshit right away, and says “look, Dad, as much as I appreciate the effort, you can’t just dress peter up as spiderman and expect me to believe it.” wade is like “no, that’s spiderman.” Ellie: “only peter could be this much of a dork.”"

like wade promises ellie he’ll get spiderman to come before he even asks spidey, and he’s ready to beg and plead and attempt and fail to kidnap him if he says no, but he says yes, and wade’s so happy because ellie is going to fucking love him for this

he gets all the spiderman themed party decorations and webshooter styled waterguns and puts up halloween spiderweb decorations in the backyard, it’s a little crazy, ellie wears her spiderman costume to the party, of course, it’s the one that wade altered to make it look more like the real thing

but then peter shows up in costume, and says something stupid like hey kids it’s your friendly neighborhood spiderman and i heard it was somebody’s birthday today, and to ellie it just sounds so fake because that is obviously peter in a spiderman suit, spiderman doesn’t say dumb lines like that, but peter does

so ellie’s not having a great time at her own party, and wade asks her what’s up, and she accuses wade of lying, because that isn’t spiderman, that’s peter in a costume, and wade is confused af, bc of course that’s spiderman, didn’t you see him do a backflip? wasn’t that cool??? isn’t this the best birthday ever?????

and ellie just gives him That Look, and now that wade thinks about it, peter and spiderman are a lot alike, same dumb jokes, same laugh, same ass, he can too tell

and wade quietly whispers in shocked revelation, oh my god peter is spiderman, ellie still thinks he’s just pulling her leg, she’s not stupid, but she tells him thanks for trying

and after all of ellie’s friends go home and it’s just wade, ellie, and peter left, ellie says bye peter, and peter accidentally responds, and wade just stands there while ellie goes, see


	846. Chapter 846

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How did Peter respond when Ellie said “bye, peter”?? Does she ever find out that he’s Actually Spiderman? What does Wade do?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Can you continue the one where wade invites spiderman to ellie’s bday party and ellie can totally tell that its Peter? How does wade react after learning Peter’s identity? How does ellie react if/when she finds out her dad’s dorky bf is really for reals her favorite superhero?”

so wade’s kind of still processing, and peter’s like oh did you say peter? i thought you said….. peeeeabody? which was my nickname?? a long time ago????

and ellie is just like see you lied, and wade says peter’s name, and peter takes off the mask with a sigh, and wade’s a more than a little mad because what the fuck man i’ve known you for how many years now? you’re my kid’s fucking godfather and you didn’t think this was important enough to mention

ellie’s still pretty sure that they’re just putting on an act to sell it, but on the other hand peter has never been able to act to save his life, and now it’s actually believable, which is weird, and wade has his actually angry face on

and then peter stops coming over, and very slowly ellie comes to the realization that peter really was spiderman, and she may have just royally fucked up

so everything is bad and wade’s always in a bad mood now, he keeps disappearing at odd times and it’s not very fun being home alone all the time now, usually peter would come over when wade was gone

one day when ellie’s alone and it’s late, she hears one of the windows downstairs being opened, and she’s pretty sure it’s not wade, because wade uses the door and yells i’m home

ellie runs upstairs and grabs the emergency phone and locks herself in the bathroom with it, she calls peter and, panicking, tells him what’s happening

peter’s there in record time, he kicks in the door and immediately runs upstairs where he sees a shadowy figure, he grabs their head and shoves it through the wall, several times, and then wade yells what the fuck, and peter stops and asks, wade?, and wade asks, peter?

and peter’s like oh thank god, and wade’s a lot less happy to see peter and punches him in the face because what the actual shit do you think you’re doing, and peter jumps up on the ceiling to explain while wade looks for something to shoot him with

wade calms down when peter explains and they find ellie, and wade comes to a decision then and there, and he tells peter, i know you would never do anything to hurt us intentionally, and it’s kind of quiet around here lately, and ellie really wants to see may, and i kind of…

and peter just wraps him up in a giant hug


	847. Chapter 847

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, murder, torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How about Wade taking down a Hydra cell finding a captured Peter. Peter doesn’t know Deadpool outside of his mercenary reputation and thinks he was saved from Hydra only to die at the hands of Deadpool. But Wade is just smitten with him."

wade’s got a personal vendetta against hydra, of course most people do, but in this particular facility, there was something wrong with the way it was designed, it was almost too easy to get in, all the doors opened inward, hell most of the hydra agents he found were facing the wrong way, there was something at the bottom of this facility that hydra was trying to keep in, and whatever it was it would probably get him a fat sack of cash

what he found was just a normal looking guy, in a fucking god level cage, all beat up and barely moving, it was a medical facility and wade saw red, after he’d slaughtered every person he could find, he went back and broke the guy out of the cell

peter was just barely conscious when wade picked him up and carried him out of the facility, when peter woke up again, he was in so much pain, but the ground wasn’t smooth metal anymore, it felt like… grass, when wade touched peter, peter immediately broke his arm and ran, and when he couldn’t run anymore, he climbed up a tree and fell asleep upside down

but of course wade found him, and this time when peter woke up, he was tied up and facing wade, who was smiling so hard his face could have cracked, in barely concealed glee he said you’re spiderman

peter thought it was over, he went limp and gave up, asked wade to make it fast, but wade didn’t kill him? instead he spoon fed peter food? which was weird but wade said he didn’t want peter running away again, which understandable, given half a chance peter would snap wade’s neck and run


	848. Chapter 848

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can I get uhhhhh some healthy and happy domestic spideypool headcanons"

wade and peter always dress up for halloween in matching outfits, like the one year peter lost a bet and wade picked sexy mustard and ketchup, mj never lets him live that one down

may and ellie are as close as can be, and peter takes ellie over to may’s house all the time, especially when wade and peter need a babysitter for date night, may always bakes ellie’s favorite cookies and they watch old cartoons ellie’s never seen before

whenever ellie has a nightmare, instead of sleeping with wade and peter, she has them check her closet and under the bed, and then peter will web up a little nest for her on the ceiling, because ellie’s sure it’s the safest place to be at night

ellie didn’t know peter’s name was peter for the first two years she knew him because wade uses so many pet names

peter and wade once bought a shit ton of watermelons for a watermelon eating contest when they had an argument in the middle of walmart about who had the higher metabolism, peter won, but they both felt so sick after that they sat on the couch groaning while ellie scolded them for doing exactly what they always told her not to do


	849. Chapter 849

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Tony finds out wade is dating Peter and Tony finds wade's apartment and goes to threaten him with Natasha if he even thinks about hurting their spiderling and wade accepts this and says if I hurt Peter ill walk into that tower and let her kill me slowly I love my baby boy that much"

tony knew peter’s parents before the accident, he still sends christmas cards to may along with a heft check for peter’s college fund, but he was never really involved in their lives until he found out spiderman’s secret identity, it had been an emergency, spiderman was unconscious and the only place that could help him would be the avengers’ personal doctor, who knew how to work on supers, and it saved peter’s life, but tony recognized him when they had to take off his mask

after peter woke up again, tony gave him a strongly worded lecture and had cap come in just to make his disappointed face, but no matter what he said, he couldn’t sway peter from heroing, so he did the next best thing and tried to make peter as indestructible as possible, so it’s really goddamn frustrating that peter never wears the suits he makes him

natasha takes a liking to peter, he’s a spider themed part time ballerina that wants to save the world, how could she not love him, she starts training peter behind tony’s back, because if peter’s going to fight, then she’s going to make him as hard to kill as possible

years later, they’re a lot more lenient about peter fighting crime, he’s an adult after all, but he’s still sort of the baby of the family, and tony can’t really fight his urge to mother hen everyone

so when they get intel that wade and peter are dating, tony decides to respect peter’s autonomy enough to secretly confront wade himself, and possibly not tip off shield, he takes nat too because she’s a pro at intimidation

but when they find wade, it’s not what they expected, he doesn’t try to fight back, he says he’s taken up a no killing rule for peter, working towards no maiming, and he promises that if he ever does anything to hurt peter, he’d go willingly with them for whatever they have planned

and tony is just so goddamn angry because he can’t do anything now


	850. Chapter 850

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Consider: Orpheus and Eurydice AU. Wade’s husband, Peter, is killed somehow, whether it be a snakebite like in the original myth or something else. He swears to get his husband back, and journeys to the underworld to find him. Maybe he has to talk with Death of the Marvel universe? Or meet hades. Either."

peter gets crushed by a building one day when wade can’t join him for patrols, there’s only so much peter’s healing factor can do, and bring peter back from the dead isn’t on the list

wade doesn’t handle it well, he spends the next few months traveling around the world and trying to summon his ex, shiklah, considering that they hadn’t parted on the best of terms, she was not happy to see him, but there’s only so many times you can burn wade wilson to a crisp before the begging gets really goddamn annoying

so she gives in and helps send wade to the underworld, since ya know, immortality makes it kinda hard, but as per the deal, she made it as painful and drawn out as possible

and when he arrived at the gates, death was waiting for him, she was happy to see him, as she always was, but when he asked her about peter, she told him to turn back, since only the dead can survive here

every step past the gates granted him more pain than the last, his skin cracked and bled as the light faded, and shimmering souls floated past, the land was endless in every direction, and it felt like he’d been here for lifetimes

wade was crawling by the time he found peter, wade was little more than chalky skin stretching over bones, held together by determination and little else, but when he reached for peter’s hand, peter didn’t look at him, peter just stared straight ahead with glassy eyes, wade collapsed and slowly the life drained from his eyes, his soul stayed trapped in his body, a prison in the land of the dead

the dead can’t see the living


	851. Chapter 851

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "That Orpheus AU... *makes hopeful grabby hands with puppy dog eyes* Orpheus is a Musician and poet, right? I would love to see Wade sing something for Peter that guides him back to the land of the living. (Bonus point for it being a song about Peter’s butt.) ((Also, I adore this blog soooooooo much))"

so lets say it takes a while for death to drag all of wade’s bones out of the underworld and let him reform back at the gate, and again she tells him to give up, but wade’s like fuck that noise

and in a number of desperate schemes, including trying to buy a ghost busters styled official ghost sucker, which does not actually work on real ghosts

well eventually wade’s desperate schemes get to plan L, which is blasting a giant boombox outside of the gates to hell and singing along to big booty at the top of his lungs, which, amazingly, works, peter recognized wade singing his favorite song and was drawn out of the underworld, much to everybody’s surprise


	852. Chapter 852

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade and peter run into each other exiting different therapy groups, peter for his severe ocd and wade for bipolar disorder

and wade takes a chance bc hey maybe this guy is just as crazy as he is, but peter doesn’t realize it’s a date until seven dates later when wade calls him his boyfriend and he panics


	853. Chapter 853

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i'm so in love with the concept of wade being something no one can tame but then comes in peter parker and he falls so ridiculously in love it's stupid. like, not that he didn't fall in love with the people he got together before (cause we all know wade's a hopeless romantic) is just... that people just so obviously tried to control/tame him and order him around and it was so much he could take before he fell out of love, but then peter the nerd fucking saint parker comes around and just let him be, is so soft spoken, everything he doesn’t like he just tells wade and tries to talk and to listen instead of getting mad and screaming and trying to control, that wade can’t help but think twice before doing things like slicing the hands of that motherfucker who touched a lady inappropriately without her consent cause he doesn’t want to look at those beautiful chocolate brown eyes that look at him with such love and acceptance and understanding and see disappointment and sadness instead, it happened once and it stung his ugly heart so much that wade doesn’t want it happening again. petey’s happiness is his happiness and vice-versa"

part of what makes peter so different from every one else wade’s been with, is that peter doesn’t get angry, no matter what happens or what wade’s caught red handed with, peter never yells or threatens to break up or any of that, he just gets this look on his face, and he says I’m not mad, just disappointed, and fuck if that doesn’t hurt more than a knife to the heart

another thing that makes peter different is that he insists on communicating, and at first wade was incredibly resistant, because he’s allergic to expressing feelings after years of shit, but peter, always patient, sits him down and helps him talk through everything, whether it’s getting annoyed at peter for not stacking the cups in the shelf upside down or asking for help with his night terrors

and honestly at this point wade would do anything for peter, and that’s because peter never wanted anything from him other than to see him happy and healthy


	854. Chapter 854

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, body horror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [kit-meridian](http://kit-meridian.tumblr.com/), "Hi! “Awesome healing factor” anon here, and may I just say that today’s events surpassed my wildest dreams. XD A touch more morbid than I expected, but I’m certainly not complaining.
> 
> Inspired by that, though, and by the body horror from Dentist AU: Wade and Peter will totally have a thing where they exchange the most disgusting fucked-up-healing stories they can think of. “Hey, man, did I tell you about last week when I fell through broken glass, and then passed out, and later I had to cut open my own stomach–I MEAN THE ACTUAL ORGAN–to get this one big piece out? Thank god for Spidey-sense–I thought I’d never find it.” And they’re just laughing and ew-ing and exchanging high fives, and all the other supers in the vicinity are just watching them in mute horror…"

it’s sort of a game they play, mostly around the other avengers, who can tell the best gross out story, it gets pretty graphic as they try to one up each other

sometimes nat and thor join in with things they’ve done to their enemies, like that time thor ripped a bilgesnipe in half with his bare hands, for some reason most midguardians don’t like his battle stories as much as these three do, nat always cracks them up with the story of the time she got caught red handed assassinating some guy, like she was literally digging through his stomach trying to find where a microchip was hidden

wade’s favorite to tell is when he got that rebar stuck in his skull and his head grew back around it, except it was sticking through his eye socket, so after he got the rebar out, he could feel something lodged in his throat, and when he coughed it up it was his other eyeball

peter’s favorite to tell is that time a rat had been digging through his corpse, and his skin healed over it, so when he woke up, he had a rat trying desperately to claw it’s way out of his liver, hurt like hell and he had to cut it out himself


	855. Chapter 855

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, extra spidery, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Man-spider idea wade doesn't know about Peter's other form only Tony, Bruce and May know and he likes to keep it that way but there's a mission the first after Peter and wade declare their love for each other and wade gets shot and the spider doesn't like that so it takes hold and wade watches as his sweet loving and kind boyfriend transforms into a giant nine foot tall six-armed spider monster and single handedly defeats the hydra forces by himself"

wade, internally: jackpot!

it’s a bit like bruce’s hulk situation, the spider comes out when peter’s emotions get too strong, and rampaging is what the spider does best, so peter usually tries to keep him in check, but sometimes accidents happen, like when peter had an anxiety attack at aunt may’s house and accidentally morphed in front of her, lucky for them both he was more interested in raiding the fridge than wreaking havoc

wade likes peter and the spider, they’re both great in their own ways, plus the spider usually comes out around wade when peter’s distressed about wade being in danger, it makes wade feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, also he gets a front row seat to the carnage, so that’s a plus as well


	856. Chapter 856

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dermatillomania

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade always picking at his skin until it bleeds and he insists it's fine bc "it heals fast" but spidey doesn't want wade hurting himself in any way, peter insists that only feeds into wade's anxiety and depression. so whenever wade mindlessly scratches at his skin spidey will hold his hands. it gets to the point that spidey holds both of wade's hands whenever he can, to stop the picking before it begins. one day the avengers ask about it and that's when it dawns on peter "OH we're HOLDING HANDS""

peter really doesn’t like watching wade’s nervous habit, he just scratches and picks at his own scars until his nails are bloody, and more often than not he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, it makes peter feel a little sick for several reasons, one of them being that wade doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal

peter tried slapping his hand away every time he started, but that didn’t work since he’d just go right back to doing it again, so eventually peter ended up just grabbing one of wade’s hands every time he started, that way he couldn’t do it any more, and since it happened so often, peter started just grabbing wade’s hand every time they meet

it’s so normal to them both that they only realized what it looked like when the avengers bring it up, peter gets flustered and tries to defend himself and explain what they were doing, peter’s not a very convincing person so now the avengers think wade and peter are trying to date secretly


	857. Chapter 857

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where peter and wade raise ellie together. What sort of shenanigans ensue?"

it started out as more of a babysitter situation, wade needed somebody to watch ellie that could both protect her, and survive her, and who better than spiderman, one of the only people he’d actually trust, and peter isn’t all that gung ho about it, but he does owe wade a favor

ellie is a little terror, if peter leaves her alone for a second, she’ll either escape the house or break something, and when she gets mad, she aims for the shins, eventually peter just tosses his dignity out the window and tells ellie that if she behaves then he’ll let her swing around new york with him as spiderman, when wade gets back he’s surprised to see the house still standing and peter in one piece

after that wade and ellie start coming by peter’s place more often, and when wade gets the chance, he’ll stay and cook for everybody, taco tuesdays become A Thing

eventually ellie just starts going to peter’s place after school, or when she skips school, and peter starts going to all of ellie’s parent stuff at school when wade’s not around, when may comes over she spoils ellie rotten, ellie’s taken to calling her aunt may like peter

eventually the spare bedroom becomes wade’s room and the workshop gets converted into ellie’s bedroom, and when peter wakes up one morning and accidentally uses wade’s toothbrush, he says fuck it and asks wade and ellie to move in with him, there’s not a whole lot to move by now

peter goes to ellie’s parent teacher conference with her since wade’s on a job, and peter brings some cookies since the last parent teacher conference had been kind of bad, peter’s threatened to take away the wiiu if ellie swears at her teacher this time

it’s at the end of the conference when peter’s promised to make sure ellie gets more of her homework turned in, when they’re saying goodbye, ellie’s teacher tells peter to say hi to his husband for her, and he just blanks, and by the time he’s got the words, it’s already too late to correct her, but then again what good would that do

peter does take issue when one of ellie’s friends comes over to play and asks which dad peter is, and ellie says he’s the short one

when ellie has her elementary school graduation, peter wade and may all come and wade’s already bawling by the time ellie gets up on stage, and may asks peter afterwards when he’s going to propose, which makes peter flustered as hell

but when he sits down and really thinks about it, they kind of are already married, they’ve been living together and raising ellie together for almost three years now, and hell most people think they already are married, and spending the rest of his life like this, well that would be kind of perfect

so peter calls his friends and asks them to help him pick out a ring, to which most of them say fucking finally, peter briefly entertains the idea of getting a diamond studded hello kitty ring, but thankfully gets talked down something more normal

and peter spends weeks trying to figure out how to propose, but nothing seems right, until one night when peter and wade are staying up late and making grilled cheese before going out on patrol, wade hip checks him to the side and steals the first bite

and peter suddenly says you know i think we’ve been doing this all backwards, and wade says what backwards, and peter says, we became parents and then moved in together and then got basically married, and then i fell in love

and wade whips around because exsqueeze me, and peter’s on one knee and he’s got the ring out, and wade kind of lets out this shriek gasp and wakes ellie up, and it’s kind of perfect


	858. Chapter 858

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, touch starvation, masseuse au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Touch-starved wade. Please."

on top of all the other reasons he’s depressed as hell, wade is super touch starved, he doesn’t have friends, family, hell he wouldn’t let any of them touch him even if he did, the suit stays on and that’s that, but fuck it gets hard sometimes

usually wade deals with the especially bad days by drinking, listening to early taylor swift and cuddling a bodypillow, it doesn’t really help at all, so every once in a while wade goes down to this one out of the way massage place and buys whatever takes the longest, it’s kind of fucking awful because he always ends up crying, but it just feels so good to have actual human contact, even if he has to pay for it

it always works the same, wade doesn’t talk with the masseuse and they don’t talk with him, if he cries then they don’t acknowledge it besides asking if he wants to take a break, he doesn’t look them in the eye and they don’t say anything about his scars

at least that’s how it usually goes, but this time around the masseuse freaks out and starts panicking a little when wade starts sobbing, he gets a tissue box and asks if wade’s ok and if he wants to talk about it, and it’s just so fucking weird that wade ends up cry/laughing and peter kind of picks him up and put him in a chair bc he can’t tell if wade is like choking or not, which is when they both realize that wade’s towel is down and his dick is up

wade decides to leave, peter keeps apologizing the whole way, his boss steps in and explains that peter is new, and gives wade a coupon for a free massage, but like there’s no way in hell that wade is ever coming back here again

as he’s leaving, peter stopped him to apologize again, and then he says he’d like to make it up to wade and hands wade his number and says they should get coffee sometime

and wade’s totally out of his element here, he doesn’t get hit on, so he’s like you’ve seen me naked, why are you doing this

and peter’s beet red but he says, yeah that’s part of why i’m asking


	859. Chapter 859

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, masseuse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [raiseafuckingglass](https://raiseafuckingglass.tumblr.com/), "*slids 5$ across a table* more masseuse Peter? Please?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More masseuse au please! ^_^ (it was really good!)”

wade was very hesitant to call peter, because like, there’s so many reasons not to, but peter saw him naked and still asked him out, and in wade’s experience that’s a one in a million kind of situation, so maybe it’s worth a shot

peter actually sounds happy that he called, and that’s… new, wade knows he’s too dressed up for this, but he doesn’t really have anything else that’s clean, but it doesn’t matter, peter cooked them dinner and it’s amazing and peter is so funny and nice and cute, and this is the best time he’s had in forever, and peter is so touchy feely that wade can’t tell if he’s in love or it’s just the euphoria flooding his brain because of all the human contact he’s getting today


	860. Chapter 860

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, masseuse au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "Can you please write more of the illiterate Wade short and he masseuse Peter short!? They are becoming my favorite"

since peter’s a new masseuse, he’s still taking classes, so every time he needs to practice, he calls wade over, and wade comes running, like drop everything running

wade loves it and peter gets a kick out of the exaggerated moaning, it usually ends in sex, until peter starts feeling uncomfortable at work because he keeps associating his job with sexy times, wade thinks its fucking hilarious, until peter withholds sex for laughing


	861. Chapter 861

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hi! I really love your blog; it helps me keep my sanity in check tbh. Anyway, if you happen to have any more extra spidery spiderman headcanons I’d love to hear them! They’re my favorite! P.s. can’t you see him in a tricky situation and accidentally biting someone out of instinct?"

oh man that would be the worst, like the first time he accidentally bites somebody is when wade surprises him and he’s got his mask partially off, it’s totally out of instinct, since he usually knows when somebody is sneaking up on him, so after that little incident peter bought one of those invisaline retainers and kept them on 24/7, it gives him a bit of a lisp for the first few weeks

peter felt so bad about the whole thing that he let wade patrol with him more often, wade thinks it’s totally worth the unimaginable searing pain coupled with full body paralysis, totally worth it

peter’s got spinnerets just below his wrists and when he’s bored he’ll mess with the hard strip of skin that covers it, it looks a bit like a scar

peter doesn’t go out much because of his eyes, and when he does go out it’s at night and he looks suspicious as hell with his hoodie up and hat on, honestly the person he interacts with the most is probably the postman, she brings all the stuff he orders, like several bolts of blue and red fabric, at least a box of creepy crawlies a week, a surprising amount of books about spiders, and a lot of glass beakers and tubes, she doesn’t stick around any longer than she has to


	862. Chapter 862

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "omfg I really need more ellie/deadpool/peter cause that last post was GOLD"

ok but peter and wade would be the worst parents for the school to deal with, peter joins the pta specifically because his super hearing picked up one of the other kids moms making a snide remark about how neither of them was very involved in ellie’s school life, and peter is bitter and petty, he makes the meetings hell

the school nurse called wade when ellie fell off the monkey bars and sprained her wrist, he flew over in a chopper and parachuted onto the school, picked up ellie and drove her to the hospital, without signing her out, proving he was her dad, or cleaning up his parachute

peter and wade are those parents at every recital or spelling bee or science fair that ellie participates in, they cheer way louder than they should every time ellie goes on stage, and they always find her afterwards and give her a bouquet

on valentines day peter and wade send ellie balloon bouquets at school and cards telling her how much they love her, and on her birthday they take her out of school and spend the whole day trying to outdo each other’s gift

ellie’s got her own emergency phone in case anything happens and wade or peter need her to hide or run, once her teacher saw it in her coat pocket and confiscated it, as soon as ellie got home and told her parents, peter and wade both stormed over to her teacher’s house to yell at her, because that phone is for fucking emergencies and she wasn’t even doing anything with it and so help me god if this ever happens again i will break both of your goddamn legs, and then wade reminds peter they have to leave before the cops show up

ellie gets transferred a lot, but she refuses to do home school again, peter tried that before, but he’s an awful teacher and she wasn’t getting anywhere, so school it is


	863. Chapter 863

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ellie and Wade talk to each other in Spanish often, especially if they don’t want peter to understand them. Ellie teases Wade about his crush on Peter/Spiderman (they know his identity) all the time. Peter’s trying to find the right time to bring up that he speaks Spanish fluently."

peter was one of the only kids in high school that actually tried to learn spanish, he stayed in long enough to take all the advanced classes for it and came out pretty fluent, except he doesn’t have too many chances to use it, so it never really comes up with wade

but after wade introduces peter to ellie, they start talking in rapid spanish, and peter picks up enough of it to realize they’re talking about him, specifically wade’s massive crush on him, which wade was not at all denying, it kind of felt like a bad time to speak up

so now every time he visits, peter has to try and keep a straight face while listening to wade wax poetic about peter’s ass and ellie making fun of wade for it


	864. Chapter 864

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok now I really want to know how it gets out to Wade and Ellie that Peter speaks Spanish. Is it an intentional reveal or is it one of those typical Parker awkward mishaps? Please and thank you!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “How do wade and Ellie find out that peter speaks Spanish?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “ Can you please continue the au were peter speaks fluent Spanish and how he breaks that he understands what ellie and wade are saying??”

it’s actually when wade and peter are taking a break on a daytime patrol, while wade goes to get them something to eat, peter meets some spanish speaking tourists and gives them directions after taking pictures with them, he gives the directions in fluent spanish, after wade had gotten back and was listening

so wade’s like soooooo, you speak spanish

and peter’s like yeeeeeeeeah, there just wasn’t a good time to bring it up?

and wade’s like soooo

and peter’s like yeaaah

and then peter proceeds to makes fun of wade for everything he’s said about peter’s ass for the last month, ellie thought it was hilarious


	865. Chapter 865

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omfg you’re a gem I hope you know that thank you so much for taking the time to answer all these prompts so well you’re amazing - would you mind elaborating on Peter and Wade being (canonical) heartmates? And how the other avengers react because it’s so rare to find your heartmate and peter and wade did it so effortlessly and work so well together and it shouldn’t work, but it does, and steve tells wade to hold on to peter for as long as he can bc nothing hurts more than watching your heart die"

like it takes a bit before anybody figures out the significance of what went down, wade’s just mentioning it off hand and somebody from the reserve avengers that deals with that kind of magic shit tells them congratulations for finding your soulmate

and it’s kind of an oh shit moment for them both, but they’re soulmates, so even if they fight it, they still end up together, it just feels so natural and right, peter and wade don’t even need to say anything when they fight, it’s like they know what the other will do before they do it

quite a few of the avengers don’t believe in the soulmate stuff, but they put spidey and deadpool on the watch list because a rogue for hire teaming up with a merc for hire could spell trouble in the future

but it’s different for cap, he sees something familiar in the two of them, something he left behind a long time ago, he takes wade aside and tells him to hold onto peter for as long as he can, because having a piece of yourself ripped away is so much worse than dying

wade always sticks around peter, he’s got a chip installed in the back of his neck that he’ll never tell peter about, and when peter starts feeling the effects of old age years and years later, wade starts giving peter blood transfusions at night when he’s sleeping

even when peter is ready to die, when he’s barely clinging to life and can’t do anything for himself anymore, wade keeps him alive, because if he can’t die then neither can peter


	866. Chapter 866

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask [from this post](https://alien-cafe.tumblr.com/post/172537255535/randomstoriesforeveryone-blvckgeezus)

peter’s not that into fps games, but wade loves them, which causes a little conflict because they only have the one tv and wade keeps hogging it, peter’s had enough when wade plays for eight hours straight because he’s still on a winning streak, so peter goes to the nearest party store and buys a ton of streamers and duct tapes a paint roller to the hairdryer

peter surprises wade in the middle of a game and absolutely buries wade in a pile of toilet paper and colored streamers, peter’s laughing hysterically the whole time and wade’s trying to see the screen, and the rest of his team is trying to figure out what the hell is happening over on wade’s side through the headphones

and when wade’s good and stuck, peter grabs the controller and starts playing while wade tries to untangle himself


	867. Chapter 867

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, angel beats au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "angel beats AU, it's an afterlife high school. dead high schoolers who never had the chance to fulfill their dreams are in this purgatory. the main character is an amnesiac who eventually remembers his life after a while: and the last thing he does before dying is donate his heart, afterwards, he figures out that one of the people (love interest) in the purgatory was the person his heart went to, and they're dream was to say thank you for the heart. then they disappear."

so i know the ask follows the plot, but like hear me out

wade grew up in a shitty house, with shitty parents, in a shitty school district, and had a generally shitty childhood, he ran away from home when he was 14 after his dad hit him so hard he lost sight in one of his eyes, after that he generally lived on the streets and the only small happiness he had was he didn’t have to go to school, until he got caught stealing from a drugstore

his parents had never reported him missing, and after listening to wade’s home life, he was put into the foster system, he bounced around a lot, nobody ever kept him for long because his untreated schizophrenia and depression caused “behavioral problems”, the closer to graduation he got, the more wade realized that he was screwed, like worse than usual, after the graduation ceremony wade climbed up to the roof and jumped, Wade Wilson died at 18

peter parker was a happy kid, and until he turned 6 his life was basically perfect, he and his parents were driving home after peter’s birthday party when peter’s world got turned upside down, the car crash killed his parents and left peter traumatized, he then moved in with his aunt and uncle, they tried their best to give peter a good childhood, but they just didn’t have enough to give, peter grew up in poverty, malnourished, and dealing with untreated anxiety and ptsd

when he was eleven his uncle was killed during a home invasion, peter blamed himself because he stayed late that day at school, and in high school may ended up in the hospital because her untreated osteoporosis meant she broke her hip for the third time, peter skips school most days to work two jobs to help pay for may’s medical bills to keep her in the hospital, eventually he realized he needed to make more money fast, so he started transporting drugs for a drug dealer he’d met, on one of his runs peter was shot and killed for what he was carrying, Peter Parker died at 17

wade had been living in this sort of purgatory world for almost 50 years, he can’t age, he can’t die, he’s tried just about everything, and he can’t leave, as soon as he got there he tried to pass on, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t figure out how to leave, he’s already graduated the high school frozen in time here like 20 times now, since it’s really the only thing to do, but nothing ever changes, he’s still stuck as a fucking 17 year old high schooler in a place where time stands still

when peter wakes up, he’s pretty sure he’s dead, he remembers getting shot and bleeding out on the pavement, and when he realizes he’s in high school in the afterlife, he decides this is hell

he meets wade when he’s trying to test the borders of purgatory, wade tells him to give up, he’s already tried that and it just spits you right back out where you started, you can’t leave

peter follows wade around the first few days just because he’s confused and terrified and wade was the first person to be semi nice to him, and wade kinda gets used to it, sometimes he can even get peter to laugh at his dumb jokes, for the first time in his hellish existence here, wade’s actually happy

he and peter skip classes all the time and basically dick around, the first time wade slips on something and cracks his head open, peter freaks the fuck out, wade wakes up in his own bed with peter crying his eyes out next to him, it’s a lot nicer to wake up when someone’s waiting for you

the years they spend there are probably the happiest they’ve ever been, and along the way, peter and wade end up falling in love, not that either of them would admit it, it takes a tragedy to make anything happen

this purgatory world is weirdly flexible, if there’s something you want, it’s actually pretty easy to get it, one of wade’s sort of friends that he just calls weasel was kind of a programming genius before he had to drop out of school, and in this world he’s got all the power, he can influence the world by reprogramming it

he’s been working on making a normal door into an exit, but something goes wrong, the exit gets corrupted and becomes a hole in the fabric of the universe, it’s destroying everything in sight, purgatory is collapsing in on itself

peter and wade try everything to stop the deterioration, they grab computers before they can disappear, and everyone that knows anything about computers works on finding a solution, but it’s just too late

peter grabs wade’s hand as they watch the edge of the void creep closer, both their knuckles are white, wade says hey peter if this is really the end, then there’s something i want to tell you, i love you

peter pulls him into a hug and says i love you too, peter nearly falls over as wade disappears, he finally got what he wanted, to fall in love

peter’s scared now, wade is gone and there’s not a lot of purgatory left, so he says fuck it, and instead of using any of the programs they’d made to reverse the deterioration, peter sets up a loop that just creates, faster than the deterioration, it doesn’t solve the problem, but it overtakes the void, and eventually the kids that are left are able to rebuild the world

but wade doesn’t come back, peter climbs up to the roof of the new school building and just sits there for a long time, he comes to the conclusion that wade moved on, because the void never touched him, and peter’s just happy that he could at least save wade, and then he’s gone too


	868. Chapter 868

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angel beats au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "(diff anon) I cried for ages when I watched angel beats and I won’t lie I got Very misty reading your AU. Idk if you’ve watched it but wade disappearing during a hug and peter falling over??? is exactly how it happened in the anime you’re really digging up old emotions now and it’s fucking me up"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “continuation of the angle beats AU? after people move on from the high school, they’re reincarnated (I think it was assumed that they’re not supposed to have memory of their past life or of purgatory). the protag passes his love interest on a busy street, pauses, and then turns around and chases after them. the scene ends there, so maybe some creative liberties? tysm <3″

a lifetime later, peter walks into his first communications class in NYU, and sits down next to wade, wade asks haven’t i seen you before, and peter says i don’t know but you look really familiar


	869. Chapter 869

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ptsd, angst, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter had watched Wade die multiple times, Every time seemed worse then the last. This time, Wade is traumatized and Peter is the only one able to calm him down. (Fluff ensues)"

wade has a hard time keeping people around, but peter’s pretty determined to stay

once wade mentioned that he hates it the most when he wakes back up, so ever since peter stays behind with wade to wait

and this time it’s bad, wade wakes up and immediately lashes out at peter, and it’s only peter’s superhuman reflexes that keep him from getting hit, he climbs up a different building and waits for wade to calm down some

after wade’s worn himself out, peter hops down and asks if he wants peter to stay, and he does, so peter sits down next to him and leans on wade’s shoulder, they just sit like that for a while while peter does breathing exercises with wade

and after a bit wade say he doesn’t want to talk about it this time, peter carried him home and makes some hot chocolate and microwaved taquitos, which they eat in bed, snuggled up and watching moana on peter’s cellphone

peter keeps telling wade he loves him, and wade smiles and tells him to shut up, we’re watching a movie


	870. Chapter 870

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, reverse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What about switched roles au? mercenary Peter and high school/spiderman wade?"

peter loses his parents young in a traumatic car crash, and soon after has to watch his uncle die in front of him, peter feels like he’s just a burden to his aunt and runs away from home, after living on the streets for nearly a year he gets caught stealing booze from a seedy bar, the hellhouse to be exact, but instead of kicking his face in, peter gets a job, and when you’re basically living at a bar for mercenaries, you learn a trick or two, peter becomes a highly skilled merc by the time he’s thirty

wade is just some kid in high school with an average life that gets turned the hell upside down, he goes on a school field trip and end up getting bitten by a radioactive spider, he has an allergic reaction to the venom and nearly dies, but he comes out of it very much worse for the wear, his skin’s all fuckered up from blistering and healing over so many times, but at least now when somebody tries to make fun of him he can break their arm without breaking a sweat, which he quickly finds out gets you in a hell of a lot of trouble

wade gets it into his head that he can be a fucking superhero now, so he grabs sweatpants and a red hoodie and a ski mask, and he runs out at night to fight crime, it’s kind of fun jogging around nyc when he doesn’t get tired anymore, but uh, he’s not the greatest at this whole hero thing, he let one guy get away, got tricked by a lady with a dog, and a kid hit him in the shins with a pipe, which powers or not still fucking hurts

and if it weren’t for peter, he would’ve gotten a knife in his head too, except peter shot the guy with the knife first, and wade thinks he’s gonna die his first day on the job when peter hops down to raid the body, but peter just tells him to get the hell out of here

the next night wade does the same thing and runs into peter again, and this time peter catches him hanging on a wall and when peter tells him to go home again, wade tells him to mind his own fucking business, to which peter points a gun at his face and asks him if he wants to repeat that

wade kind of thinks peter is really fucking cool and starts following him around when he goes out at night, he tries to copy peter’s moves and figure out how to do cool poses, peter knows he’s being followed and eventually just gives up and tells wade, ok if you’re not going to listen to me then i’m going to teach you how to not get killed

peter is a fucking brutal teacher, and wade comes very very close to giving up, but to peter’s dismay he works through it and actually starts picking up something, peter will always deny it, but wade’s kind of growing on him

he winds up getting wade a costume, and wade fucking hates it because he says it makes him look like peter’s sidekick, and he’s not a sidekick


	871. Chapter 871

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "https://vimeo.com/220773659
> 
> omg this parody is so wade i’m crying ?????
> 
> like imagine peter coming back from work or patrolling and finds wade dancing around and singing to “no roots” by Alice Merton but changing the lyrics to the ones of this parody lmao
> 
> while doing domestic chores ofc like cleaning the house or cooking (making pancakes or baking cookies) cause me likey fluff domestic spideypool
> 
> and ellie laughing her ass off in the background because the lyrics are so funny and so accurate??
> 
> and it makes peter realize their unhealthy diet, especially cause of ellie cuz she ain’t no superhuman with super metabolism (or is she? *wiggles eyebrows*) so he goes on a hissy fit about healthy food and starting to eat healthier and getting rid of their bad eating habits and stuff"

oh man so peter gets home and he gets that slow realization that that is exactly what they eat, and ellie isn’t superhuman, so she needs like healthy food in healthy portions

wade and ellie hate it, peter threw out all the junk foods and got a surplus of veggies and fruits, and a shitload of ranch so that he can get ellie and wade to actually eat their veggies


	872. Chapter 872

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Soo... Peter & Wade broke up for whatever reason & Wade goes to Ellie for advice bc despite being a preteen she's one of the wisest people he knows & Peter is the love of his immortal life(and he might've taken to stalking him since the breakup but it's nothing malicious, he swears!)Peter has also been going to ellie mostly to rant about her father &figure out how to better understand him bc he's definitely taking Wade back he's just so angry rn (& he totally knows Wade is stalking him)"

it’s over money, wade depression shops a lot, like they already have three life sized star wars figurines in the game room, and for peter it’s physically painful to drop that much money on something nonessential, and after getting into an argument, peter stormed out

so for the next three weeks ellie has to deal with wade and peter both regretting everything and still being too stubborn to apologize first, peter’s crashing at may’s place, where ellie visits every monday, thursday and sunday

she’s getting real tired of peter constantly asking how wade’s doing, and if he’s buying too many bags of corn nuts, and if he’s getting enough sleep, and when she goes back to the house, wade’s draped over the couch watching x-files reruns and moaning loudly, honestly she can’t tell which one’s worse

and then wade starts stalking peter, which happens every time their fights last longer than a week, and of course peter knows

eventually ellie gets fed up with it and just slams the window open and yells at wade to get inside so they can make up already, or she’s running away from home


	873. Chapter 873

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade is over at peter's apartment one day when may stops by and she asks who wade is and wade, jerk he is, says he's peter's boyfriend which is IS NOT. but peter doesn't wanna explain who wade Really Is, so he goes along with it. a few weeks later peter is on the phone with may and she asks about wade, peter says mentally groans but says "the relationship is going good" and may pauses and then says "you look at him like i looked at ben" and that's when peter thinks... "oh god... do i like wade?""

wade and peter are pretty good friends, at least good enough to know each other’s identities and crash at whoever’s house is closest when either of them gets hurt, and sometimes wade just drops by for no reason, like today, when aunt may stopped by to return peter’s food processor

so of course she sees wade and asks who he is, and peter’s like two seconds too late with an answer, so wade jumps in and says he’s peter’s boyfriend, and peter doesn’t want to seem suspicious and he doesn’t have any better ideas so….

and now may always asks about wade when she calls, and she’s always asking peter when he’s going to bring wade to her house for dinner, and what does he like to eat, and peter just regrets this so much

and one day when he and may are talking on the phone, may tells peter that she’s just so happy that he’s found somebody that makes him happy, he looks at wade the way may used to look at ben

and peter has that moment of oh fuck i think i am in love


	874. Chapter 874

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, fake relationship au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What happens next in the most recent fake relationship AU?"

peter is absolutely determined to not let his newfound crush take over his life, in fact, he starts planning a breakup story he can feed to his aunt and still look appropriately sad over without having to cry

he has wade memorize it just in case, wade keeps joking about it and peter tries to not let it get to him, because in all honestly, it was fun talking about wade to may, sharing that part of his life with her, and it was never hard to come up with something to say, wade’s all that’s ever on his mind lately

peter goes to aunt may’s after the “break up”, and she drags peter into the kitchen for “cathartic baking” which just means they make a ton of cookie dough and eat it raw while watching blue planet and listening to peter complain about wade, and to peter’s surprise, he actually starts tearing up, he doesn’t know if it’s relief or frustration or just realizing that he’s a giant fucking idiot, but it all comes out and may wraps him in a hug

the next morning, peter woke up to the doorbell ringing like crazy, he told may to stay back when he opened the door, and to peter’s surprise, wade was on the other side with a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky grin, peter asked him what the hell he was doing here, and wade said he wanted to try again, if you’ll have me

and peter laughs because this is so stupid, wade’s asking him out in front of his aunt and he brought flowers, and it’s so fucking early, and he spent how many months trying to avoid this exact scenario, so of course he says yes

may gives wade an earful over breakfast for breaking her nephew’s heart


	875. Chapter 875

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [nygmobblepot-der-pool](https://nygmobblepot-der-pool.tumblr.com/), "Can we get Peter calming Wade down from a nightmare about his past abuse? If it’s too sensitive then maybe just a nightmare in general."

wade gets a lot of night terrors, that tends to happen when you lose a hand every other week

peter’s a light sleeper, so he always wakes up when wade starts having nightmares, when he can he’ll wake wade up wade, and depending on what kind of night it is, peter will either spoon wade and tell him everything’s going to be ok, or they’ll get up and make pancakes or something and just talk until wade stops shaking


	876. Chapter 876

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, neighbors au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is an absolute music junkie and it shows when he plays his electric guitar. Unfortunately tho, the walls in his apartment complex r super thin so when hes bouncing around with his guitar for a cover of a marina and the diamonds everyone hears. He never gets any noise complaints tho, his neighbors are used to it. Until, wade moves into the flat next to him. Conflict ensues."

like peter’s such a sweet kid, and he’s gotten so much better at playing that everybody else just kind of lets it slide, after all it’s not like he does it at night or anything

but then wade moves in next door, and since his “job” requires him to work at night most days, he is very much not happy when peter’s guitar riff wakes him up at noon, actually he’s fucking pissed, he gets up and marches to peter’s door to give him a piece of his mind

and when he starts yelling at peter to stop making so much noise peter yells back that nobody else is complaining, and he’s always played around this time, and then wade starts insulting his music bc he’s tired and mad, and peter just slams the door in his face, and cranks up the volume while he keeps playing

wade complains to the landlord, peter knows it was wade and moves his setup closer to their shared wall, wade tries to drown out peter’s music by blasting his stereo, but peter just starts playing along to whatever wade’s playing

which, is actually kind of cool if wade’s being honest, but he’s not about to give up yet, so wade resorts to the one thing that he’s pretty sure makes most people uncomfortable, very loud sex, he shoves his bed against their shared wall and starts taking people home at night, and peter can hear everything

peter gives up after a week and switches to his acoustic guitar, which wade is happy to find out actually helps him sleep, peter’s guitar playing kind of grows on him, and wade feels a little weird about the whole thing because now he kind of wants to request a song, but like there’s no way in hell peter would do that for him now

so instead wade staples a $20 to a piece of paper that just says “the lion sleeps tonight” and slipped it into peter’s mailbox, and by some miracle, peter gets the idea and plays it, so wade and peter carry on like this for a while, wade shoves money and a list of songs he wants to hear in peter’s mailbox, and peter plays them while wade falls asleep


	877. Chapter 877

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, college au, no powers au, roommates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "college au where Peter is a perfect dork w straight A's and anxiety out his ass Bc he's always study study study work work work and there's a mix up and Wade has to be Peter's dorm roommate; Wade is messy and weird and thinks Peter is too cute to be a hermit. He makes it his mission to distract Peter and get him to have fun. Peter hates it (but secretly loves the attention Bc Wade is HOT)"

wade actually got a single, but there was a mixup, and with peter’s roommate being a no show, they stuck wade in with peter

they totally clash at first, peter basically lives in a nest of blankets in his bed, while wade is barely ever in, yet somehow still manages to trash the place each week, and peter’s getting real fed up with it real fast, but his inner pacifist is screaming to just leave it alone

except peter finds something that crawled under his bed and died, and that’s the last goddamn straw, but he’s also pretty nonconfrontational, so instead of facing wade, he stuck it in wade’s bed, it took a week for him to notice

except wade just tosses it in the trash and goes back to his laptop, and peter snaps, he quite literally dumps wade on the floor and tells him he’s going to fucking clean, or so help me god you’ll be the next thing that dies in your goddamn garbage

and wade thinks it’s fucking hilarious, he’s actually happy to see petey has balls, because for a while there he could have sworn peter was a robot, so he does clean up, but then he starts trying to drag peter to parties so he can “live a little”, except peter is introverted as fuck and literally none of this is fun

however, peter is also gay af and as much as he hates social interactions, he’s not complaining about wade paying attention to him, because he is really hot, even if he doesn’t seem to do anything but get hilariously drunk and sleep around

one of peter’s two hour 8pm classes gets cancelled, so he heads back to his room early, and walks in on wade in the middle of a threesome, and immediately runs to the library, where wade finds him passed out on a couch the next morning

wade and peter both try to apologize at the same time, and wade says he won’t bring anybody back to their room if it makes peter uncomfortable, and peter says it doesn’t matter to me, just like put a sock on the handle or something

wade still tries to make it up to peter by dragging him out for a party and introducing peter to some of his friends, except wade’s friends all know about wade’s massive crush on peter and spend the whole time drilling peter and trying to not so subtly figure out if he’s straight or not

they end up getting peter absolutely hammered, and as it turns out, peter is a flirty drunk, and when wade finds peter grinding on one of his exes, he kind of grabs peter and drags him away, because he’s too drunk, that is the only reason, because peter still has class in the morning and he’d be upset if he didn’t go to bed, nothing else

wade has to piggyback peter up to their room and dump him in his own bed, which is when drunk peter decides to tell wade that he’s so fucking hot, and then pass out, and wade doesn’t know what to do with that


	878. Chapter 878

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, college au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Can you pleaseeeee continue the college au that I asked? You guys did such an amazing job oh my lord I need to see how it ends!! Love your blog thanks! ❤️"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Pls continue the college au!! How do they end up getting together??”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More of The college Au please.. it was soo Good”

it weighs on wade for weeks, he’s stressed out trying to figure out if that was just drunk peter talking or if he had a real chance with peter, because as much as he’d hate to admit it, he’s got a crush on the nerd, massive crush actually and the guy’s probably straight for all he knows

well he gets the answer to his question when peter shows up at pride club one day and sorta hangs in the back until wade sees him, peter immediately regrets talking himself into this because wade dragged him into the middle of it all as soon as he saw peter

as much as peter hated being openly queer around so many strangers, he had to admit belting out rent lyrics with wade was probably the most fun he’s had without a drink in his hand, and for some reason wade seems especially happy today

as soon as wade found out peter was gay, he sent out a massive group text to all his friends asking how he should ask peter out, which kind of went to waste when peter decided to ride his “i’m doing things that scare me today” high and ask out wade himself


	879. Chapter 879

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter is an extreme hoarder but youd never guess it. especially when looking at his apartment. peter doesn't even hoard things of sentimental value, just stuff he finds outside like sticks and half used up stuff in his house but youd never see it unless you pull apart the walls, which is where he keeps his stuff"

let’s just say sometimes peter’s spider brain makes him do some pretty weird shit, like eating all his steaks bloody now, and constantly resisting the urge to not wear clothes, and shoving garbage in his walls

well it’s kind of like hoarding actually, whenever he goes out he always ends up picking up rocks and twigs and can tabs and the comic page of the newspaper, and he can’t really just have piles of junk sitting around, so he’s taken to shoving it all in his walls, like it’s a shitty apartment with no insulation, and his spider brain says small dark spaces are good

when he finally agrees to move in with wade, he digs all his crap out of the walls and shows up at wade’s place with two carfulls of straight up garbage, wade makes him get a storage locker instead to put all his stuff in, every once in a while wade goes down there and throws out a garbage bag worth of junk so that peter won’t have to get a second storage locker


	880. Chapter 880

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, teacher au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "teacher/student of age: wade is mostly illiterate. there wasnt anyone at home making him go to school, and the weapon x program completely deep fried his brain. that+his skin makes his selfesteem= 0. he only started going to adult ed classes at night bc weasel suggested it, a guy he went to school with is the teacher so he told wade to give it a shot. he's in the door way contemplating going in but then this cutie in glasses bumps into him as he tries to go in and.. you can see where I'm going"

school had never really been wade’s strong point, and going out in public was way low on the list of things he’s willing to do regularly, but he’d made up his mind to get his ged so he could help ellie with her homework, except it gets pretty hard to actually find a place and sign up, wade mentions it to weasel, and weasel tells him about a guy he used to know in high school that’s a teacher at this one place, and he basically signs wade up, which gives wade the push he needs

so day one wade shows up early, like really early, so he can scope out the place before everybody else gets there, except he’s kind of frozen in front of the door, it just feels like such a big step and he’s not sure he can take it

meanwhile peter is walking to his next class and he’s not paying attention to where he’s going because he’s digging through his papers for the syllabi, and he walks right into wade, they both apologize at the same time, and wade helps pick up peter’s papers

peter asks if wade’s taking this class, and wade is trying to ignore how cute this guy is and says yes, so peter walks in with him and they start talking, wade tries to go for a seat in the back but peter convinces him to sit in the front

they keep talking until it’s time for the class to start and peter grabs his things and puts them on the teacher’s desk, and wade’s mouth dries up a little, because he’s got the hots for the teacher and this is going to be a long 6-8 months


	881. Chapter 881

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, teacher au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Can you continue the teacher au where wade is going back to get his GED to help ellie and meets peter and is like 0-0 when he sees he's the teacher?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “OH SI YES Can you make more of the teacher/student of age au?? Wade having the hots for the cute teacher makes him more distracted or a better student? I vote for better student because I bet he would love to be showered in compliments by Peter when he gets good grades and stuff”

the first week is kind of hell for wade, its just not clicking and everything is frustrating and difficult and he’s constantly resisting the urge to throw all his fucking papers in a pile and light it all on fire

ellie tries to help wade with his homework once, but he kind of brushes her off because he’s supposed to be the parent, it’s his job to help her, not the other way around, so ellie already knows that wade’s making this harder for himself than it needs to be

early one morning wade’s still figuring out worksheets due that day while he’s making ellie breakfast, and she says why don’t you just ask your teacher for help, and wade kind of realizes he’s been an idiot this whole time, so he promises ellie he will and goes to find peter’s office waaay early

peter’s frowning at his desktop, but when he sees wade, his whole face lights up and wade remembers why he hasn’t done this already, but peter’s patient and encouraging, and it’s just so much easier to understand everything when it’s coming from peter

they actually finish all of wade’s papers early, and peter asks him to stay since he doesn’t have anything to do until the class starts, so he does, and they get around to talking about ellie, because wade loves to brag about his daughter, he admits that he started thinking about his ged because ellie’s teacher said she was having problems with reading, and wade couldn’t do anything to help her

so peter emails wade a couple of read along style websites that he can do with ellie to help them both practice, wade basically becomes the teacher’s pet, he does all the reading, all the extra work, tries to answer everything in class, and comes in all the time to get extra help, and seeing him so motivated just makes peter want him to help him more

when wade’s going through all his review assignments, ellie helps out by quizzing him and using a buzzer app on her phone when he gets it wrong, he kind of hates that noise now

and when he finally gets his ged, there’s a graduation ceremony for everybody, ellie wears her sparkly shoes because it’s a special occasion, and when wade’s name gets called, ellie claps as loud as she can and screams “GO DAD”, wade’s got the biggest smile on his face when peter offers to take a picture of wade and ellie holding his certificate

wade introduces peter and ellie, peter kneels down to look ellie in the eye and asks her if it’s ok for him to ask out her dad, wade goes red and ellie considers it, she tells him it’s ok, but she’s watching him

peter takes them out for a celebration dinner and tries to win over ellie by getting her whatever she wants for desert


	882. Chapter 882

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [frozenchaos5](https://frozenchaos5.tumblr.com/), "Like all spiders Peter molts (sheds old skin) its happened three times in his life the first time mj and gwen walked in on him removing his old skin the second time was after his first avengers mission Natasha was extremely helpful the third time was before wade and Peter got to know each other and wade accepted a hit on Spider-Man and and the attack helped Peter molt fast"

so it’s not the prettiest thing in the world, in fact it’s pretty horrifying, peter’s skin goes grey and hardens up, and he gets so tired and sluggish, and after a long nap, he has to claw his way out of a gooey mess of sloughed skin and mucus and crack open his old skin before he runs out of air, and then he’s all red and sore for a week, like the world’s worst sunburn

for mj and gwen it took a lot of talking down so they wouldn’t do anything drastic, with natasha, she kind of cracked open his old skin too soon, and it took a whole month until it didn’t feel like his body was on fire every time he moved

when wade took the hit on spiderman, it was supposed to be easy enough, he’s taken out supers before, but this guy was really tough to kill, wade had to chase him around the city for weeks before he could finally catch up, and that was only because spidey was suddenly running on empty, and when he cornered him in a dark alley, peter kind of, turned into a giant rock

like wade emptied a clip into him, but the bullets all kinda pinged off, and wade couldn’t figure out if this was a weird mutation or a very elaborate trick or what, and just when he was about to call it quits, a very naked and slimy man burst out of the weird rock thing and kinda started gasping and oozing towards the floor

third weirdest thing to happen to wade that week, so when life gives you slimy naked guys, steal the spiderman mask from inside the gross rock thing and cash in


	883. Chapter 883

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "Molting AU is a m a z i n g. I kinda hope that things turn out like that episode of Batman where the mobster gets credit for “killing” him, and the big shot villains get pissed. Only with obvious differences, because Wade is not some low caliber mobster in over his head, and Peter is as opposite (personality-wise) from Batman as you can get while still being a hero through and through."

of course wade cashes in, and then the word gets out, and since spiderman hasn’t shown up around town in about a week, everybody thinks it’s real this time

so now wade’s got quite a few offers on the table, but he’s also got the whole of the avengers after his ass, and he’s not even sure the guy is actually dead, so he can’t work or even go outside without having to run away from another super whining about spiderman, jeez what was this guy

so wade tracks down the slimy guy from the spiderman rock thing and breaks into his house and gets his ass kicked again while trying to explain himself, shouldn’t of come in with a gun drawn

but anyways, after getting through the whole story and offering peter 200,000$ to help him make everybody think that spiderman is alive again, because that’s who you are, right?

peter really struggles on this one because he’d be helping the guy that tried to kill him last week, but at the same time he could really use the money, and he’s going to walk back out there with the suit anyways, so, yeah he agreed to help, which maybe wasn’t worth the money after wade decided to lay low at peter’s place until the guys that paid him for the hit stopped looking for him

so now peter’s got the world’s worst roommate and he can’t even complain to anybody


	884. Chapter 884

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hello!! I love your entire blog, and I hope you're having a good day <3 I was wondering if you have any headcanons with a love triangle between Peter, Wade, and Harry (Osborn)? Wade is always the one who wins Peter's heart in my eyes, at least. Do you have a take on it?"

so this is your classic childhood friend vs hot newcomer story, except they’re both assholes with too much money to burn and enough time to actually duke it out

harry’s a bit late on the uptake, he starts getting really uncomfortable with wade hanging on peter like that, which muuuuch later he realizes is jealousy bc he’s in love with his best friend

for wade it was love at first sight, but unfortunately for him, peter doesn’t actually think he’s serious about any of the flirting, or innuendo, or basically dates they’ve been on

it gets very ugly very fast when peter tries to introduce wade to his friends from high school, probably the worst it gets is when wade and harry get into that drunk, angry sing off at the karaoke place, the uh fireworks didn’t do so well indoors, the whole place burned down


	885. Chapter 885

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I’m in love with the idea of both Peter and Wade internally fighting tooth and nail to not fall in love towards the beginning of their friendship. Wade doesn’t want to drag peter into his shitstorm of a life, peter doesn’t really let anyone into his life except May and MJ. Yet, their lives just kind of...fall together. Circumstance just doesn’t seem to want them apart, and they start to realize that they’re happier together anyways."

god they’re both self hating, paranoid, emotionally repressed idiots

they both just fight so hard against it, wade because he’s got this image of spiderman in his head, all perfect and honestly almost sacred, he’s glad that he can be around spidey, but that’s all he’s ever going to allow himself, because he’s like a disease, he hurts everyone in his life and he doesn’t want any of his shit bleeding into spidey’s life, he just doesn’t deserve it

and peter, peter’s got his own shit going on, like he physically cannot make friends without being forced into it because of how much trauma he’s got built up from all the friends and family he had to watch die, he’s loathe to drag anybody else down with him, and that includes wade, who he wasn’t even planning on getting to know at first, but then he was just always there

and then after the guy literally died for him, well it’s hard to leave him alone after that, so against peter’s better judgement, he and wade became friends, and then peter’s mask got melted and wade showed peter his own face to make peter stop freaking out

and after that, well they were kind of together before they even realized it, they were always in each other’s lives, always there for each other

wade nearly bolts when he wakes up one morning on peter’s gross couch in too small pjs and wrapped in a soft blanket that smelled like fresh laundry, well it wasn’t that that scared him, it was thinking he could get used to this, he hadn’t realized how essential peter had become, how much it would hurt if he lost him

and for peter, it was when wade offered to run down to may’s and get some of peter’s stuff for when he was staying in the avengers icu, and peter said yes without even thinking, if he could trust wade with his aunt, then he could trust him with himself

before either of them could realize, they were both utterly smitten


	886. Chapter 886

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, mythology au, pirate au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "pirate wade being cursed by calypso to sail the seas for eternity, his appearance becoming more and more hideous the more gold he steals. frankly wade doesn't care, the more fearsome he looks the easier it is to scare the villages he attacks. but one day, decades after being cursed, his crew goes to attack a villiage on a small island. wade takes it upon himself to raid the richest house on the island, stark manor, but he is attacked by stark's servant boy, peter parker. frankly wade is impressed. the boy is small, but he fights just as good as wade. he asks wade if he really wants to steal the gold, and wade responds by stealing the gold AND peter. peter doesn’t fight it very hard, much to wade’s confusion. at sea wade tries to train peter to be a pirate, while peter tries to convince wade to give up piracy. wade assumes it’s because peter can’t stand to look at his skin, but peter insists that it’s because he thinks wade could be better. they go on like that for months, and it all comes to a head one night when peter and wade get into a very loud fight. wade’s skin is getting worse and he hates that suddenly he’s insecure about it, he hates that ever since peter’s arrived he wishes he looked handsome. he hates how good peter thinks he could be, he hates how good he wants to be for peter. and he tells peter, they scream and yell and a storm brews outside the ship, and the angrier peter gets the more it rains and the more waves crash into the ship but wade doesn’t notice until he threatens to have peter walk the plank, and peter screams and water crashes through the windows of the room and nearly drowns them. that’s when wade begins to realize, peter is calypso, the one who cursed him to begin with, he’s trying to give wade a chance."

wade was just fine before peter came along, he was more than happy with his curse, zero regrets, and then peter had to go and ruin everything, he had to make wade care about someone else, and he had to make wade empathize with other people, and he had to make wade feel guilty for the first time in his goddamn life

and somehow, wade doesn’t want to let peter go, he doesn’t want to go back to how he was before all this, but he also doesn’t want to change, why can’t he have both

the more he cares about what peter thinks, the more insecure he gets, and the more he and peter fight, honestly it’s been making the crew uncomfortable, if THE pirate captain is having a moral crises then where does that leave the rest of them

wade realizes all too late that he’d already ruined his second chance, and his third and fourth and fifth, and however many chances peter had given him, as peter screams with the fury of the sea, an all too familiar voice, this time wade doesn’t beg for mercy when the storm quickens and the waves rend the ship in two, he just watches the last trail of bubbles escaping his lungs as he resigns himself to pay for his sins at the bottom of the ocean, for all eternity


	887. Chapter 887

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mythology au, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More pirate au please!"

centuries later an expedition discovers the sunken remains of a pirate ship, one of the divers gets the fright of their life when they lift a section of the hull and come face to face with wade’s still intact corpse, eyes and all

they bring the body onto the ship and keep rummaging around in the remains, the more they find the more excited they get, because they may have just discovered the final resting place of the legendary pirate wade the undead, long since thought to be myth

there’s a media storm, scientist are literally fighting over the chance to get their hands on the body, it’s still a complete mystery as to how after so many years the captain’s corpse still looks fresh

and overnight, he disappears, the leaked tapes show wade sitting up and smashing his way out of the lab, it’s fucking impossible, nobody knows what to make of it, some say it’s a government cover up, some say aliens, some say zombie apocalypse, some say its a prank

wade tries to lay low, he steals some clothes right off the mannequin and learns about security tags, eventually wade learns to handle the 21st century and manages to get a job, it’s basically stealing shit, but it’s the one thing he’s really good at

working for some local crime groups, he runs into peter, or at least a beat up cop with peter’s name and face, obviously he couldn’t just leave him there, so wade broke peter out and together they just barely made it out alive, and now wade’s out of a job

peter introduced himself and thanked wade for saving him, which is when wade realized he was wearing a mask, so peter couldn’t see his face, maybe it was because this guy looked exactly like peter, but he suddenly felt self conscious about his skin again, wade didn’t give peter his name, just ran off into the night


	888. Chapter 888

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, exhibitionism, super family au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "OMG. Can you please write a superfamily AU in which Wade has a semi-voyeurism kink and him and Peter are out to dinner with Steve and Tony and Wade loves watching Peter squirm so he either makes him wear a vibrating plug before they go or gives Peter a hand job beneath the table? THANKS SO MUCH I LOVE YOUR BLOG <33333"

wade always picks the worst time to be hilariously inappropriate, and usually peter can get over it, or sometimes even laugh along with wade, but he was not expecting wade to pull anything too risque in front of iron man and captain america, peter’s parents, who are very much not happy about them being together in the first place, and could beat wade into the dirt if provoked

it started off innocent enough, wade just put his hand on peter’s knee, and slowly started moving up, by the time peter realized what wade was up to, he had to hide his hard-on under a napkin

peter tried to last for as long as he could before telling his parents he had to go throw up and making a mad dash for the bathroom, wade went to check on him and peter gave him an earful, and then wade helped peter “calm down“

wade started laughing when they both came back to the table and tony asked if they’d used protection

peter wouldn’t talk to wade for a week


	889. Chapter 889

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [larry-and-flower-crowns](http://larry-and-flower-crowns.tumblr.com/), "ellie's going to her 8th grade school dance but she isnt telling peter or wade who shes going with so being the loving and over-protective parents that they are they chaperone and keep a close eye on ellie despite her mortification and wade is thinking that ellie went with brian from her spanish 3 class (brian's boring, way too boring for our baby girl, pete, i mean he's playing angry birds who still plays angry birds) but peter tells wade to shut up 'cause ellie is dancing w a girl named pam"

no matter how much peter and wade bugged ellie about who she’s going to the dance with, she absolutely refused to say, wade, in his desperation, signed both him and peter up to be chaperones for ellie’s school dance, she wasn’t happy when wade and peter got out of the car and followed her into the school

peter and wade ended up getting tipsy behind the bleachers because they’re both idiots, and wade always has a flask on him, they spent most of the dance gossiping about ellie’s classmates and trying to see who ellie was going to dance with

wade was pretty sure it was going to be brian, who peter once called a basic bitch, ellie’s too good for brian, but then peter had to elbow wade to get him to shut up, because a slow dance came on and ellie was taking pam to the dance floor with her

wade took pictures using the spy tech he stole from shield, and the principal made it very clear that wade and peter were not to set foot inside the school again, ellie couldn’t even stay mad because she was so happy about the dance


	890. Chapter 890

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, song fic, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I've heard the song 'I Like Me Better' by Lauv a lot over the last few days and every time I do I can't help but think of Spideypool (probably the references to NYC and Wade's general self-hatred and themes of his redemption through Spidey's favor). Got anything to go with that?? I'd love to read whatever take you have on it <3"
> 
> [I Like Me Better by Lauv](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7fzkqLozwA)

wade is sitting on the roof at his and peter’s meeting spot, and peter shows up with coffee and bright red cupcakes, wade grabs his coffee, 80% sugar with a caramel drizzle just like he likes, and asks peter what’s the occasion, peter passes him a cupcake and raises his coffee to make a toast

peter says, “wade wilson, you have now gone an entire month without maiming anyone, congratulations”, wade laughs and raises his coffee so peter can clink their paper cups together

wade forgot about his own cupcake while watching peter accidentally smear red icing on his face, wade leaned over and kissed peter, smiling at the red streak now staining peter’s cheek

peter asked him what that was for, wade shrugged and said i just really really love you, peter grinned and leaned into wade’s shoulder, i love you too


	891. Chapter 891

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "why do you ship spideypool?"

i guess it’s because you can take these two incredibly fucked up and hurt characters with problems on top of their problems, and give them the chance to work towards recovery for the first time in their lives

like they play off each other so well, the pacing and just what they strive for in life, peter has a bit of a white knight complex, maybe because of how many people he’s lost, he’s always trying to save people that don’t want to be saved

and wade shows up in his life, and he’s in the way and never seems to pick one side and just seems to defy all logic, but he’s still got a good soul and that’s the part of wade that makes peter stick around, the will to change

and that’s why wade chases after peter, he’s this idealistic image of heroism that wade has made in his own head, and even if peter can’t keep up with that in real life, he never loses his hope, and that’s what keeps pushing wade to be a better person, because he’s got peter, who keeps forgiving him and giving him chances to be more than he is now, the one person that believes in him, and in return wade takes some of the weight off peter’s shoulders, because peter’s the kind of person to sacrifice himself if it saves just one person

and even if they don’t always get a happily ever after, they can still carve out some semblance of balance in their lives together, because what matters most is that they care about each other enough to stick through the good, the bad, and the worse, and still come out fighting, honestly that’s all you could ever ask for


	892. Chapter 892

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [fernandothefox](http://fernandothefox.tumblr.com/), "Ok, so i have this head canon that bf peter became Spiderman he was like REALLY into spiders
> 
> Like REALLY REALLY into spiders
> 
> He has like one of those butterfly collections but with spiders ok  
> (He doesn’t keep real spiders bc of money reasons and its too tempting to dissect then too see them work)  
> And when he gets bit by the spider he’s like “heres my chance” and like just goes wammy on the suit or something  
> And like he has spider eyes and shit and maybe like sharp “hairs” on the arms and legs or something? Idk but like out of the suit he has too be care full bc he now has like multiple irises or something? Kinda like a fly but not? And he has like sharp incisors too make up for the clipper thingys that spiders have and so now he can’t go outside without colored contacts or something and he can’t smile too big or his teeth will show and there already so big that they kinda, the tippy tips are on his bottom lip and if you look closely you can see them.
> 
> And wade at first thought that peter was just a spider fanatic bc u can bet yur bottom dollar peter KNOWS THINGS about spiders
> 
> And the peter has his mask up eating shit and wades like “OMG U HAVE FANGS THATS SO CUTE” and then peters so embarrassed and then stuff happens and they date and peters like “ i also have like five irises” and he takes out the contacts and wades like “omg your eVEN COOLER!!!” And yeah."

peter’s a huge spider nerd to begin with, he was the weird kid that caught bugs during recess in elementary an stuck them on spiderwebs just to see the spiders work their magic, so the whole mutant spider thing, while super inconvenient, was right up peter’s alley

he actually had to cut back on the realism of his first spiderman outfit, the furry parts just made it uncomfortable on his sensitive skin, and the extra eye lenses just made it harder to see, he was a little disappointed that he never ended up growing extra arms

along with the fangs, peter has to be careful not to smile too much or the pseudo mandibles that make up his bottom jaw will open, and it looks p fucking freaky, that and the sclera contacts he has to wear to hide were awful for the first month until he got better contacts, speaking of nobody seems to notice that some days he wears green eyes and others he wears brown

peter’s biggest pet peeve is when people try to tell him that daddy long legs are A) poisonous and B) can’t bite people because their mouths are too small, because they’re just factually wrong and at this point he just keeps the diagrams in his bag, he’s very passionate about this

wade figures it out one day when they’ve both got their masks rolled up to snack, and he makes peter laugh so hard that his bottom jaw splits down the middle and his mouth opens like a facehugger, wade thinks it’s the coolest thing ever, until peter takes out his contacts


	893. Chapter 893

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter trains with Black Widow and learns how to fight in stilettos. Wade thinks he might die from arousal."

after peter joined the avengers way back when, natasha decided that she was going to keep peter alive, which meant that peter learned to fight backwards, upside down and in heels, it’s so drilled into him that he can tightrope walk across his webs in needle thin stilettos in his sleep

when wade finds out he digs out a pair of his own heels and gets peter to spar with him, wade’s flat on his ass in seconds no matter how many rounds they go, which is actually just three since peter refused to keep going while wade was sporting a massive boner


	894. Chapter 894

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter misinterprets something Wade does as a proposal and says yes, and Wade wasn’t planning to propose but definitely goes with it because, uh, how the fuck can he deny that opportunity???"

peter’s been pretty preoccupied lately by money, he’s just got so much on his plate and that massive debt college gave him is most of it, so when wade gets his achilles tendon slashed in a jewelry store and lands on one knee in front of peter with a ring in hand, the first thing that goes through peter’s mind is tax benefits, and he says yes

and wade, well it takes him hearing the answer twice to catch up, but like he’s not going to back out now, and the very next day peter shows up with all the paperwork mostly filled out, a wedding registry, suits, a camera, rings, and a catalogue of apartments because peter’s is too small and wade’s is too gross

wade’s a little overwhelmed, he just kind of goes along for the ride while peter dresses them both up and gets the wedding photos out of the way, and then since wade doesn’t have any of the papers he needs, they make a pit stop to see a friend of wade’s to get him a new identity before running down to the courthouse

then on the way to may’s they slap together a story about how they met and how peter didn’t mention him before because they went straight from friends to getting married, skipped the whole dating business

wade’s still reeling while peter’s settled in and strangely domestic, it’s basically like he’s living in a weird dream reality, it doesn’t feel quite real, like peter’s friends come over for game nights, and may visits all the time and drops off real food, which is amazing, and yesterday some guy showed up at the door trying to sell them a vacuum, he’s probably not coming back after what wade did, but still, he never thought he’d end up with something so, normal

its….. nice


	895. Chapter 895

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade got this app that simulates notification sounds, and he’s been using it to slowly drive peter insane, peter keeps hearing the ping noise, but he can’t fucking figure out what app it’s coming from, he already redownloaded skype, logged out of all his social media, shut down his phone, turned off discord, and eventually just shut down his computer before he felt like punching a hole through the screen


	896. Chapter 896

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "You know, I tots dig this headcanon where Peter is super cute and attractive and gets hit on almost in a dayli basis (even by """straight""" guys if you know what I mean) but is super oblivious about it until Wade gets too jealous to handle and even Venom is like "human please even I, that don't know very well about human interactions, can tell that this person has ulterior motives" in his head"

peter seriously thinks he’s like an average looking dork, he just doesn’t seem to notice that just about everybody is into him, like how he’s dated all of his close friends, even the super ones, for fucks sake he’s dating wade right now

once when they were walking down the street, a couple guys passed by them and wade heard one of them say “maybe i am a little gay”

peter will get hit on right in front of wade all the time, even when they’re clearly on a date, peter seriously thinks that people in ny are just very friendly, he’s stupidly oblivious and wade’s trying to moosh down his jealously over the whole thing, because he’s the one dating peter, damnit

wade got especially mad after their date was interrupted by some girl giving peter her number, and when peter asked wade what was wrong, all the mooshed jealously came back up, he sort of yelled at peter for never turning down the thirsty assholes that keep hitting on him when they’re obviously together, and peter gets mad bc that’s not what happens, and wade’s like oh so you really think people are always that friendly, in fucking nyc, and wade storms off

so later peter’s complaining to venom, captive audience and all, and venom’s sick of this shit too, it happens all the time and peter just never gets it, like how bad does your self esteem have to be, so venom has to be the one to tell peter he’s a hot piece of ass, just not in those words

once peter finally gets it through his head, he realizes that he fucked up big time, of course wade would get mad, he’s already got enough issues, and worrying about peter sticking around just adds to that

so peter calls and apologizes to wade, and talks him into going out tomorrow night, and this time peter’s prepared, venom gives him a little help realizing when somebody’s hitting on him, and the first person that comes up to him, peter says sorry i’m here with my boyfriend

and wade just starts smiling, because peter just did that


	897. Chapter 897

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, organized crime au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade's a mob boss, peter's in college, they've been dating for quite some time. pete's not too fond of it but doesn't complain as long as wade keeps the job separate from their relationship. one time he's had a shitty day & when he gets home he sees wade holding a business meeting in their living room. he's usually pretty shy but goes off in a rant about how stupid everyone is. when he's finished one of the guys says sth about how wade made a 'good choice with that one' and pete breaks his nose"

somehow wade avoided talking about his job for the first year they were dating, and when peter found out, he flipped shit, when he asked wade why he’s never told him, wade says it’s because i knew you wouldn’t stay if you found out, and he just looks so heartbroken, so peter takes a deep breath and agrees, because it’s true, so they work out a sort of deal, it’s wade’s life so peter’s not going to tell him what to do, but he’s also not happy about it, so as long as wade doesn’t let his “work” life bleed into their relationship then peter’s willing to stay

there is the occasional slip up of course, but today was just all bad decisions, since peter was out and wade needed to have a quick meeting, he decided to just have it at his and peter’s place since it would be short and only his inner circle would be there, except it was not short

peter had had one hell of a day, his midterm paper got lost so he’s going to have to turn it in for 50% of the grade, he’s been walking around with coffee in his shoe from this morning, a squirrel stole his lunch, and he got run over by a bunch of archeology majors in inflatable dinosaur suits, it just hasn’t been his day, and he was looking forward to coming home to his boyfriend and falling asleep on the couch

so when he walks in on wade’s little tea party, he gets mad, and he lets wade have it, he pretty much screams about how fucking stupid he thinks wade’s whole crime ring thing is and how he’s just risking his fucking life for nothing and how bringing this into their house was not only fucking irresponsible and dangerous, but you fucking promised me that this would stay out of our life

and in the silence that follows one of wade’s goons makes a comment about peter being feisty, and peter turns around and punches him square in the face, breaking the guy’s nose, after which peter very calmly says get the hell out of my house, and within seconds everybody but wade and peter are gone

it takes wade three months of sleeping in another house, apologizing, and threatening to pay off peter’s student loan debt with dirty money to get peter to forgive him, at least their relationship is never boring


	898. Chapter 898

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Some writers make Wade self-conscious about himself and sometimes it kinda makes sense but other times i am like "No,he wouldn't care about other people's opinions". What are your thoughts about it?"

to know something and to believe something are two very different things, and that’s how a lot of wade’s anxiety works, he’s always been a cocky asshole, but if you beat a guy down enough, he’ll develop self esteem issues just like anybody else, and in wade’s case he’s got two voices in his head telling him about a hundred times a day for a number of years that he’s a disgusting freak and no one will ever love him, that he deserves all the shit that’s happened to him, and that kind of crap wears you down fast, especially when it’s your own brain doing the talking, because then it sounds sensible and like you’re the one who thought it up, it’s hard to identify if you don’t know what you’re looking for

to an extent, wade doesn’t care what other people think, he kidnapped a blind lady, regularly fights in feminine clothing, shoots people he doesn’t like and has hello kitty merch, because he literally doesn’t give a crap about what people think of him for stuff like this

so obviously he’s ok with showing his skin to an extent, but that always ends at the face, and that’s probably because of his own frustration with himself and what he used to look like, and because of the way people have treated him in the past

in all honesty, it’s a very realistic fear, showing his face, because it has caused people to leave him, to become disgusted with him, and to be afraid of him, at this point it’s probably reflexive to always check that he’s still wearing his mask and to protect his face when anybody reaches for it

it’s entirely terrifying when it’s people he actually gives a shit about, he’s taken the time and gone through the stress and pain of actually building a relationship with this person, even with all his paranoia and trust issues and past failed relationships, and if they see his face, they’re going to hate him and leave, like it’s just a fact now, he doesn’t even entertain the thought of somebody sticking around despite him looking like he had a hand to hand fight with a fire yesterday and won

so taking off the mask is an incredibly intimate and difficult thing to do, even if he tries to take it off, his hands just freeze up and he can’t get himself to do it, it’s a compulsion to keep the mask on at all times, so much so that he wears it when he’s by himself too

and besides appearances, it’s also something wade ties to his morality, like he thinks he’s a monster so he deserves to look like one, oftentimes he sees himself as an irredeemable villain, or a monster, because of the things he has done in the past, some of which are not even his fault, so to expose that part of himself is in a way like showing his face, it’s all the ugly parts of him that he doesn’t want anyone to see, both literally and metaphorically, all of the things he’s ashamed of

wade’s reaction to a lot of his own insecurities is to pretend they don’t exist and deflect with humor, like if anybody asks why he doesn’t take his mask off, he’ll make a self depreciating joke that deflects attention from his face, or at least gets people off his back or moves the conversation along, it’s all very subtle because he’s trying his hardest to not make a big deal out of it, while to him it constantly feels like a life or death situation, so just because he doesn’t always look or act like it’s a big deal, the fear is still there


	899. Chapter 899

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, magic au, fantasy au

Ask from anonymous, "Please consider- Dragon Peter (Able to shift to human form, as dragons do, w/ their considerable amount of magic) who's kinda fairly new, abt only like 120, he's an itty bitty light draggo, his draggo dad's (Tony would be metal, Steve also light, they adopted Petey) are very proud of him, one day they fly over a forest and Petey finds a human he really likes to look at, so when he learns to shift he shifts into that one, but this was when he was like 50, and yeah. But, hear me out: Wade is a nds a human he really likes to look at, so when he learns to shift he shifts into that one, but this was when he was like 50, and yeah. But, hear me out: Wade is a Dragon hunter, right, his skin got ruined after a big fire dragon caught him off guard, he uses katanas and bows, assuming this world doesn’t have guns, and so he’s super well known: Wade the Dragon Hunter, one of the best there is, but now all the dragons are like always on guard, they hate him, tell their kiddos terrifying stories, yaknow, the jazz.   
So one day, Petey went to explore a little town in the middle of nowhere, and Wade’s there. Pete overhears him talking abt dragons, saying he Heard this place had a dragon den near it, and he eventually comes up to Pete, and when he introduces himself, Peter BOOKS IT, bc hot shit, this is the guy?! He didn’t seem scary, but if it’s him, Peter would’ve been in huge shit. Now, Wade followed him, bc “if this guy’s running, he must know something” so he follows Peter into the middle of a random forest, and into a clearing, behind a few hills so it can’t be seen from the village, he shifts, and Wade’s like holy shit there are some here And so he cocks an arrow but freezes, bc he’s never seen a light dragon, or a dragon this small, and in his awe he accidentally let Pete get away, but that’s fine, Wade felt something, something he hadn’t felt since girlfriend when he was 17, she loved her, so what did he feel for the dragon kid?? He stayed in town for a while, hoping to find the kid again, goin to that little magic shop they first met in, and lo and behold, Peter was there a week later, as soon as he saw Wade he tried Running again, but Wade grabbed him first, and Petey’s havin a panic attack, oh gods this is how I die, and Wade just asks him like hey, are you okay?? Calm down sheesh, and Pete’s terrified, but hey, maybe he doesn’t know Peter’s a draggo, so Pete tries to calm down, like yeah I’m fine nice to meet you I’m Peter, and Wade’s like oh cool, I introduced myself yesterday, ha, and Peter’s on guard, but more relaxed than before, and Wade asks him where he’s from, seeing as he’s not from here, but Soo the jazz, they get to be friends, yeah,   
and at some point Peter goes home and he’s like dad’s… There’s a thing?? I met a guy, and there’s this thing, it’s weird, it’s warm and in the pit of my stomach but also no matter what he does I can’t get mad, and it feels kinda like how I appreciate you guys so much, yaknow?? And Steve and Tony just look at each other, in silent agreement, and they’re like kiddo, that love, and Petey’s freakin out, yeah, cuz ummm?? This is THE WADE??" There’s no way this could work! So now the boyo’s silently panicking, cuz FUCK I might be in love with Wade the Legendary Dragon Hunter, what if he follows Pete back?? What if, what if, what if…. And now Pete’s close to a mental breakdown, but a few days later he’s fine, he started avoiding Wade a bit again, and he talks to his dads, bc damnit no matter who it is Pete’s just GUSHING, he can’t help it, but he’s carefully avoiding the fact that it’s THE Wade, right, and at some point they Finally meet up again, and Wade’s like hey, wassup, how’s it a’ goin, good?? And Petey’s terrified, right, bc he might’ve fallen in love with this guy, and Wade’s straight for all he knows, when in reality Wade’s straight his scars, he has a gaydar, he knew Peter was bi off the bat, and he tries flirting but it goes RIGHT over Peter’s head, poor boy has no clue what was about to hit him, and so they get closer and closer together, yaknow, the jazz, and Wade’s eventually sick of his flirting Going right over Peter’s head, this IS NOT OKAY, so Wade just kinda gets so mentally pissed off, like seriously?? He has no clue?? Is his self esteem THAT low that he doesn’t realize I’ve been flirting for the last 15 minutes?? But he keeps smiling, doesn’t get openly mad at Peter, because if he’s learned one thing it’s that you don’t yell at your crush if you want a chance, so he’s just kinda done, he has to be super blunt about this, so he just asks Do u wanna get some coffee tomorrow? Like, a date? And he’s blushing a hell of a lot, and Peter agrees,   
so the next day they go on their date, and Wade’s like hey, date me?? And Pete goes hell yes, and they’re so happy, and a while later they have their first kiss, and the next day Wade figures out a huge spot of his skin healed over, but it wasn’t like that yesterday morning, so he talks to Peter and Peter’s like hey, maybe it was me, and Wade’s all confused until Pete says light dragons Heal, and now Wade’s freaking out, bc holy shit, you can fix my ugly mug?? And Pete gets all offended bc hey!! I love your skin!! And then he covers his mouth cuz he used the L word, that’s important, and Wade’s like did you just inadvertently tell me you loved me?? And Petey’s all shy like yeah,, uh,, and Wade kisses him again, says hey two birds one stone, I get to kiss you AND my skin heals over! And he’s got the cockiest grin, and Pete’s so flustered, but they love each other, so yeah, And they continue like that,   
but one day Peter’s dad’s show up at the clearing, bc they know he’s been dating someone, they wanna know who, when they figure out its Wade they kinda freak, but Peter explains the soul swear, they calm down, but Tony’s still wary kinda, but both can see its true love, and they point out hey, you know he has fire dragon essence in him right? And Pete’s ?? But then they tell him, Wade’s gonna live abt as long as you, he killed a fire dragon and took its essence And so there’s super happy, bc now they can spend the rest of their lives together, and both of them are happier than they’ve ever been. (Oh geez, I’m so sorry!! I didn’t mean to drone on this long… Either way, your writing is amazing and I really appreciate you spending your time on this, have a wonderful day!!💛💛)"

* * *

peter’s a little thing as far as dragons go, and light dragons are some of the smallest, he’s also had a fascination with humans his parents could never shake, so instead peter was allowed to go interact with the humans nearby when he learned to shift into one without the odd scale and extra eyelid making itself known

and when peter masters it, he often goes down to the human villages to observe humans, he’s even talked to some and the one that sells bread knows his name, but this time was a little different, peter’s just minding his own business, listening into conversations, when he hears somebody mention dragons, so he focuses on that instead, and by the time he realizes that man over there is The Wade, the infamous dragonkiller wade, he’s already walking towards peter, so peter freaks out and runs

peter starts running away from him, so of course wade follows, the man doesn’t even seem to know he’s being followed, he’s just crashing through the woods, and then peter stops in a clearing and shifts, and it’s the most brilliant light wade’s ever seen, he’s got to look away because it hurts his eyes, and then right there is the smallest dragon he’s ever seen, which is odd but he nocks an arrow and takes aim, right through the eye, but he stops because the dragon’s got the same look in his eye as vanessa did

instead wade just watched the little dragon fly away, so of course wade has to know more, he visits all the towns nearby, hoping he’ll find peter again, and he’s honestly surprised when he really does find peter, because any dragon with half a brain would move to a different country if they knew wade was around, which is also weird, this is the strangest dragon he’s ever seen

so he walks over to peter, and peter’s eyes go wide and he stops breathing, and wade has to backtrack and step back a little until peter starts breathing again, and as bad as it started out, peter ends up relaxing and actually talking to wade, and wade is interesting, he’s been all over the world and he’s seen everything, and ever time he tells a story, peter is absolutely spellbound

so even if it is The Wade, he doesn’t seem to know peter is a dragon, so what’s one more time going to the village and finding him, and then it’s twice, and then it’s a week and peter’s tracing the scar lines on the back of wade’s hand and saying he’s never found somebody that looks like wade before, it’s almost like he’s got scales

and now wade’s having an existential crisis, because he’s been hunting dragons his whole life, and now here he is, flirting with one, he kind of feels gross about the whole thing, as soon as peter figures out that wade already knows he’s a dragon, he’ll disappear, and wade would do anything to prevent that

peter’s been feeling…. weird lately, like happy but squirmy and his stomachs feel like they’re swapping places when he sees wade, and he just can’t stop smiling, so he thinks he might be getting sick and tells his dads, and they just laugh because peter’s in love, but peter doesn’t find it so funny, it’s absolutely ridiculous, a dragon in love with a dragon hunter, he’s going to get himself killed, but he still goes back to the village

wade’s been laying on the charm pretty thick ever since he gave in to his feelings, but peter is like, well it’s like flirting with a concrete block, nothing happens, it’s infuriating and wade can’t tell if he’s being shot down or dragons just don’t do innuendo

wade’s been hanging around this town for months now, which is longer than any other place he’s stayed, and he starts thinking, what do i want out of this, what the fuck am i doing, and he decides this is what he wants, to stay in this quiet little village with peter for the rest of his life, it’s a terrifying thought

so wade and peter go for a walk by the lake and wade just blurts out that he’s retiring, and peter asks wade why, and wade says it’s because he fell in love, and peter’s all sad because he thinks it’s somebody else, but then wade keeps talking, he says he’s in love with this weird guy, with the perfect smile and eyes that shine, and peter’s still not getting it, so wade has to say it’s you, you fucking idiot

later peter takes wade out into the middle of the woods and makes him swear on his soul that he’ll never harm another dragon, so he does, and peter shifts, and wade’s kind of breathless, he’s never appreciated how magnificent dragons are before, he’d always thought of them as beasts, never so… human

one morning wade wakes up and there’s a patch of smooth skin on his arm, he can see little hairs budding and he’s so fucking confused, he finds peter first thing and shows him, and peter says oh yeah that’s probs me, and wade’s like WTF, so wade learns a lot more about light dragons that day, and peter’s happy to explain what he can

now tony and steve are getting suspicious, peter’s been guilty looking for weeks now, and he keeps disappearing all day, and sometimes he won’t come home until the next morning, and this was after he asked all those questions, and steve and tony are both caught up in an argument about whether they should or shouldn’t follow him

they followed him, they were expecting like a nice forest dragon, or maybe a shadow dragon so he doesn’t want to tell them, but no, it’s the goddamn boogeyman, so of course they both flip out and try to protect peter

but wade doesn’t break his promise, he just stands there as tony whips him into a cliff face and near breaks every bone in wade’s body, and the only thing that saved him was peter shielding wade with his body

peter and his parents kind of have a falling out, it takes the both of them a long long time to come around, but they do, and wade keeps his promise, so out in the valley they build a little house far from the village, and within days the flowers and vines are crawling over the wood because peter’s just so damn happy that even the plants are soaking in his joy

when peter gets much older, and his wings stronger, he and wade fly all over the world, visiting all the places wade told peter stories about, they always brought back souvenirs for peter’s parents of course


	900. Chapter 900

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [dabblingwithdaisies](http://dabblingwithdaisies.tumblr.com/), "I feel pretty spideypool twist where wade falls off a skyscraper and his brain heals all weird but he wakes up to the yellow and white box only telling him good things about himself and he forgets the beauty standards of society and his skin doesn’t bother him as much so he gains the happiness and confidence to ask out Peter and on their first date he strips in Peter’s apartment & says “I thought you’d like a sneak peek for later” and peter is all “I don’t think u know what sneak peek means”"

peter and wade are friends, very good friends, it’s been a long and rocky road, but they understand each other to an extent, it’s kind of hard not to get along with a guy who saves your life every other week

but peter’s gotten used to everything that makes wade, wade, that is until wade walks right up to his front door in a tshirt and shorts, without a mask, and asks peter if he wants to get dinner tonight, well he more tells peter they’re getting dinner tonight, peter’s too stunned to say anything

after wade left peter had some doubts, so he followed wade around that day, truly the weirdest day he’s ever had, he watched wade walk all over town, head held up and the biggest smile on his face, peter had never looked at wade’s face before, and he can’t help but be a little dazzled from watching wade with that blinding smile all day, he was just so genuinely happy

by the time the date rolled around, peter still wasn’t sure it was wade wade, and not like a wade clone, but dna tests said he was definitely wade wilson, hopefully the one and only

wade took peter to a fancy restaurant they were both underdressed for, and got in by slipping the hostess a couple hundreds, peter thought he’d spend the whole thing trying to figure out what was happening, but he got caught up with wade’s excitement and accidentally had a good time, they may have beaten each other with breadsticks at one point, and the way wade looks at him makes his stomach flip flop, and it’s new and weird feeling like this around wade

wade “escorts” him home, peter lets him, he also lets wade inside, while peter’s grabbing them both something to drink, wade strips in the middle of peter’s living room and leans against the doorway to the kitchen, peter almost drops the cups he’s holding when he finally turns around, wade says something about giving peter a sneak peak, and peter just starts laughing because that’s a couple steps ahead of “sneak peak”, but hey it works

and then wade’s brains get rescrambled, and he goes back to normal, like the last few days never happened, and peter’s left in this weird limbo, because he genuinely liked wade, but he’s not even sure the person he was with really was wade, because seeing him now hurts, he’s just so worn down and world-weary, and peter just wants to see him smile again


	901. Chapter 901

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love the whole friends to lovers trope where wade and peter both pine after each other before confessing their feelings, but my fav trope is where they were lovers all along. It’s an unspoken thing, and maybe they both aren’t comfortable saying it out loud for awhile, maybe they both have some flings with others here and there, but they both still know that they’re endgame. They eventually say it all outloud and it isn’t a huge revelation, they both knew, but it’s nice to hear the other say it"

like they’re inseparable, after they meet they just click, like they’d known each other forever

they have zero personal space when they’re together because wade once mentioned he likes cuddling and peter went all in, they’re always together and may treats wade like a second son

they end up moving in together because “we’re the only people that can stand each other”, wade cooks, peter fixes their costumes, wade buys the most obnoxious motorcycle and tries to make peter late for work every morning so he can drive him there, peter always buys wade weird little knick-knacks when he goes shopping

every time somebody asks if they’re dating, they both say no, but they’ve both lost partners because of how close they were

it’s something may says to peter that makes him realize, she asks him when he pictures himself five years from now, where’s wade

so peter thinks about it, and in the middle of dinner peter says, shit i think i love you, and wade’s just like ily2, but peter goes no i think i love love you, and wade doesn’t even hesitate when he says he love loves peter too


	902. Chapter 902

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "With the prompt where wade and peter were basically lovers all along, what was Wade thinking through all of it + the point where Peter confesses?"

wade’s been in love with peter since the moment they met, it’s insane how one person can make you feel so… happy, wade wasn’t going to do anything though, he and peter are already best friends, and both of them know that they’ll always be important to each other, and that they’re going to stay in each other’s lives for a long long time, and that’s enough for wade

and then peter says he might be in love with wade, and it takes wade a second to catch up, but he says it right back without any hesitation, because dating or not, he’d love peter until the end of time


	903. Chapter 903

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, gore, murder, horror, cannibalism, injury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Slasher fic au??"

avengers and co, minus bruce who preferred to walk, were heading home after a long day of fighting mutant polar bears and mad scientists in canada, and made a pitstop at a shield bunker to pick up some more bandages, and maybe even leave tony for a while, one of the bears gored his shoulder after it clawed off some of his armor, and he’s just not looking so hot

clint was in the break room to steal people’s food from the fridge, peter was downstairs with thor and wade in the media room, he and wade were teaching thor about video games, steve and natasha stayed in the medical ward at the basement level with tony, waiting for him to wake up again

and then the alarms went off, metal shields blocked every doorway and all at once it went dark and dead silent, until the backup generator kicked in, maria radioed everybody for a headcount, three shield agents, peter and clint failed to respond

so of course natasha got steve to lift one of the heavy shields enough for her to crawl out into the halls, she said clint probably just left his hearing aids off again, and after she found him she was going to kick his ass

maria finally got a report on what was going on, one of the custodial staff found an arm and a pile of bones in a locked bathroom stall and all of the cameras were down so anybody could have done it, somehow

now that it wasn’t just a burned popcorn bag false alarm, everyone started getting antsy, thor eventually busted himself and wade out so they could look for the others, it was a little before steve told them to start looking for missing people, they found peter on the ceiling, hiding in the shadow of a pillar, two of the missing shield agents were found in the cafeteria, with a dead radio and a rather impressive barricade made of tables and chairs

since they were already out, maria told them to go ahead and do a sweep of the lower two levels before she starts moving people, so peter, wade, thor, and the two shield agents gathered what weapons they could find and moved around the floors, they found natasha in the break room, just natasha, and she had a pair of purple hearing aids in her hand

maria finally got her hands on one of the forensic lab techs and tested the dna of the arm, it wasn’t clint, but now they knew where the third shield agent went

natasha turned her focus to moving people to the auditorium, with a killer on the lose, there was safety in numbers, especially since the majority of people here were already trained to fight, clint could handle himself, that’s what she said when anybody asked

most of the med ward had already been evacuated, except dr. weaver who stayed behind to watch tony since they were afraid of moving him right now, he was just hovering at stable currently, so steve had the team regroup there

steve was talking with maria over the radio, but there was still no sign of clint, the upper three levels had already been searched and evacuated, clint either had to be outside the base somehow, or still in the lower two levels, but then again so was the killer

steve was just saying they’d checked everywhere, but then natasha jumped up and started running down the hall, saying she knew where clint was, peter ran after her, wade and thor were about to follow suit when cap told them to stay, natasha can tell them if anything goes wrong

over the comms, they heard natasha running and peter asking where they were going, but before she could answer she let out a grunt, and then static filled the air, peter didn’t have a comm

wade was the first out the door when they heard peter screaming from down the hall, steve stayed behind with tony and the doc, wade had to just stand there and stare, it was something out of his nightmares, peter was crawling out of a puddle of blood and viscera, shaking so bad he couldn’t walk, hell he could barely breathe, that snapped wade back into reality, he grabbed peter and pulled thor back with him, as soon as they got to the med ward, wade kicked out the supports holding up the metal sheet in front of the door, it came down with an earsplitting clang

wade ripped off peter’s mask and dr. weaver immediately started cpr when she found peter wasn’t breathing, they got peter up on one of the beds and hooked him up to an oxygen tank, steve tried to ask him what happened, but peter was in shock, wade managed to pry his clenched fist open, peter was holding onto a hunk of red hair, bits of flesh still dangling from the ends of it

steve asked wade if natasha could still be alive, wade actually laughed

everyone was a lot more tense now, peter was unresponsive on the bed, he still hadn’t said anything, tony was also unresponsive and they had a limited number of supplies, most of which were in the auditorium with the rest of the staff, maria was still days away from having an appropriately armed special unit come down and rescue them, natasha was smeared across two different hallways, and clint was still missing, there’s a good chance that they won’t outlast the killer

thor keeps trying to brainstorm ways to escape with steve, but steve keeps shooting down everything he says with nobody leaves the room, wade is getting fidgety, they don’t have any information, and even if they all die, he’s still coming out of this alive, so sitting still is slowly killing him

peter had started rubbing at the blood crusted on his skin, so wade grabbed some sterile wipes and tried to clean peter up best he could, dr. weaver came back over and tried to get peter’s attention, but he was still staring and unresponsive, she had wade prop up his legs and started peeling off his suit so she could check for any injuries, but he seemed to be fine other than a couple of rapidly forming bruises

wade just started talking, about what he was going to do as soon as they got out of this hell hole, he was going to go home and pretend to be drunk and order an ungodly amount of pizza, maybe he’ll scare the delivery kid, he defends himself by adding on he tips extra when he does that, it’s not a good defense

peter started reaching for the oxygen mask, so wade grabbed his hand and just held it, peter was holding onto him like a lifeline, wade started talking about some of his favorite golden girls episodes when peter started moving his mouth, everybody came over when wade pulled off the oxygen mask long enough for peter to say word elevator

which didn’t make a whole lot of sense until steve realized peter was probably trying to tell them what natasha had been trying to do, cap radioed maria and asked if the elevator shafts were still locked, they were, in fact, there was one stopped right at their floor

wade jumped at the chance to do something, he convinced steve to let him go check things out, since he can’t exactly die, steve isn’t happy with it, but wade’s right, there’s a chance clint is still alive, and if they don’t act now, it may be too late

thor agreed with wade and decided he was going with to open the magnetized doors, since wade couldn’t do that himself, which steve had a lot more problems with, but they talked him into it, what can stand up to a god and an immortal pain in the ass, steve agreed, but only after he made sure they both had comms

wade started singing “i’m not dead yet” over and over again as they slowly made their way down the hall, steve told him to shut the hell up unless something happens, wade rolled his eyes and asked what else he was supposed to say to let them know he’s still alive, but cap didn’t argue back, so wade went back to singing under his breath

for a second, wade had forgotten about natasha, but she was still… everywhere, thor swore, they kept moving through the mess of a hallways, stepping over entrails and shattered bones, wade turned the part of natasha’s face that was still intact towards the wall, it was just too unnerving to leave like that, dead eye still staring from it’s socket, he flicked some brain goo off his hands and kept moving

thor was still pretty awestruck, in all the realms he’d visited, of all the creatures he’d fought, he’d never seen anything quite as disturbing as this, he found himself wondering how it was even possible that natasha’s body had been shredded and spread so far in such little time, he said out loud that he was beginning to think this wasn’t the work of man, wade chuckled and said no shit

they didn’t meet any trouble on their way, thor pulled the metal doors open and crumpled them in with his hammer so they could get inside, but the smell hit them before they could see anything, the wet smell of warm blood and meat, wade already knew what he was going to find, but he pulled a flashlight out of his belt and shone it around inside anyways

the red walls, covered in drying blood, shined back, and on the floor was a neat pile of clean bones, an intact shoulder, and a small pile of something else grey and slimy that wade doesn’t think about too hard

thor’s already telling steve what they’re seeing, but there’s something off about all of this, wade can just feel it, he takes a deep breath and holds it while he sticks his arm in the elevator to pull out some bones

thor tells him to leave it there, but wade pulls out a shoulder blade, it’s only partly there, its got a smooth beveled almost ovular cut taken out of it, and with a dawning horror, wade and thor both realize that something with a lot of large teeth took more than a few bites out of clint

wade throws the bones back in the elevator and tells thor that he was right about it not being human, then he stopped and asked thor when was the last time cap said something, neither of them hesitate to sprint back to the med bay, wade is praying he’s wrong

the first thing he hears is peter saying tony’s name over and over again, dr. weaver was pinned to the ceiling and slowly sliding down the pole sticking out of her chest, steve was slumped against the wall and next to him peter was on the ground, trying to shake tony awake from where he’d been thrown off the bed

dr. weaver was already gone, wade made his way over to steve and told thor to see if tony was still alive, he was going to check for a pulse, but then he turned steve over, kind of hard to check for a pulse when there’s no heart, his chest had been ripped open, his ribcage torn apart, and his heart taken

wade rolled steve back onto his stomach and turned to thor, tony was still alive, and he was coming to, he looked confused and wild, his eyes darting around and his hands reaching at anything, he managed to roll over onto his hands and knees with help, but as soon as he looked up and saw peter, he lunged at him with a broken scream

wade pried tony’s hands away from peter’s neck and tried to get between them as he yelled at thor to do something, thor dumped open some drawers until he found a familiar syringe and stuck it in tony’s ass, tony immediately slumped to the ground, unconscious

wade asked thor how he knew to do that, thor just grunted “experience”, they picked up tony and strapped him down in another bed, and then they just stood there, watching tony sleep

peter said tony couldn’t be the killer, right? he was here the whole time, wade shook his head, tony could barely move, it hadn’t been him, thor explained to peter what they’d found in the elevator, peter turned even paler than he already was, wade laughed with the sudden realization that they were being hunted, and by the way they found natasha, it was probably for the fun of it

peter sat back down on the floor and focused on breathing, wade sat down next to him, and thor righted a chair next to tony’s bed to sit in, when peter got a little color back in his face, wade asked if he saw the thing that did it, but peter just shakes his head, he says he just woke up and there was blood everywhere, but no monster

wade asks about the hall, and peter just rubs his temples, says it was dark and then he was face down in a pool of…

they’re quiet for a while, then peter sticks out his hand to wade and says peter parker, and wade looks at him funny, peter explains that’s his real name, since he’s already seen peter’s face, wade actually smiles when he shakes peter’s hand, he says “wade wilson, but you already knew that”, and peter smiles just a little

then peter asks wade if he can asks some questions about his powers, and wade says shoot, so peter asks when you die, what happens, and wade tries to get him talking about something else, but he keeps coming back to that, so wade sighs and tells peter what it’s like to die

it’s painful, you’re completely alone and you can feel the wrench when you pass over, it’s not great, but then you’re welcomed by death, he tells peter he’ll know which one she is because she’s the sexy skeleton lady, makes great tea, probably, you can’t taste things when you’re dead

and peter asks what death is like, the death wade met, and he says she’s fair, peter’s going to be fine, good souls are rewarded in the afterlife

peter asks wade if he thinks they’re going to die, wade doesn’t say anything, peter says yeah me too, then he says “i need to do something before i die”, and wade asks like what, peter shrugs

so wade says lets play a game, like truth or dare, but just truth, and you say whatever truth you want to, peter chuckles because that’s a convoluted way to ask somebody if they’ve got any regrets

but he plays along, peter says he used to nap in the statue of liberty until the guards caught him, wade says he used to go to the gym when cap was training just to watch, peter says he did the same thing, peter admits that he’s got an aunt that he’s worried about, wade promises he’ll make sure she’s safe, he tells peter about his daughter, how she’s trying to make a dinosaur ballet because her teacher said she couldn’t

peter talks about his uncle, how he blames himself for what happened and why he became spiderman, wade talks about weapon x, he doesn’t say much, but peter can understand why

peter says i think i love you, and wade has to ask him about that one, peter just says it’s been on his mind, and he’s still not sure how he feels exactly, but he might as well tell wade before it’s too late, wade tells peter he’s not missing out on much, and he takes off the mask

the scarring is horrific, his eyes are wide and his eyelids barely there, his lips curl back so that his teeth are always showing, he’s got more of a lump of scars where his nose should be, and his eyes are blue

peter says i didn’t know you had blue eyes, wade says he used to be handsome before weapon x, blond haired blue eyed hot piece of ass, the body of a god, and peter teased him about his ego

peter leaned against wade and closed his eyes, wade let his mind wander, dr. weaver finally slid off the pole and fell to the ground with a wet splat, it was weird that dr. weaver was still in one piece, from what they’d seen, the monster liked to take a few bites out of it’s kills, but dr. weaver was perfectly fine, besides the being dead part

and peter and tony had both still been alive when they’d gotten back, it was almost like the monster had been interrupted

wade wrapped an arm around peter and asked thor to show him which syringe he used on tony, as soon as thor handed him the syringe, wade plunged it into peter’s neck and held him as he went limp

thor started asking what he was doing, but wade picked up peter and started strapping him to a gurney, he eventually said peter needed the sleep, wade rolled peter into the clear hulk proof chamber in back, standard in all shield medical facilities, and then he sealed the door

thor walked over to wade and asked what he was doing now, wade said they came back to an unfinished meal, and since the monster wasn’t tony, it had to be the only other person that was trapped in the room when they were gone, the only other person that had been around for every attack, it had to be peter

thor wasn’t convinced, he’d worked alongside peter for years, he was one of the most honorable men thor had ever met, to cause this kind of carnage just wasn’t who peter was

wade tapped on the glass and peter twitched, they both leaned in and watched as something black rose out of peter’s mouth, and then darted back inside


	904. Chapter 904

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dance au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter's been dancing hip hop since he was 4, now he's 17 & one of the best dancers in queens & training for the yearly contest wade is 19 & djs in his free time, he likes going to parties & his social worker told him to stop getting into trouble or he'd go to jail so it also helps him earning money without breaking laws & he gets hired to dj the contest. he's not too impressed with anyone except for when he sees P training & hopes to gather the courage to ask him out @ sessions before it's over"

peter’s kind of nervous, but like it’s his second time here, and he’s been doing this since he was 4 just for fun, may has recordings of all his dance competitions

wade’s kind of bored, he’s trying the turning over a new leaf bullshit, mostly because his social worker sat him down and explained that the next time he fucks up, he’s going to fuck up as a legal adult, so it’s the straight and narrow for wade

it’s not all bad though, after all he got this gig, yesterday was the junior competition, and he was cracking up at how the kids bop version of “all about that bass” somehow removed every reference to butts

today is the young adult competition and wade’s just messing around while he watches people warm up, there’s a couple people out there that look good, but nobody really stands out until he sees peter, kid’s on a different level, he’s also incredibly hot

maybe they gave wade too much free rein, he starts flipping through songs and playing different styles just to watch what peter does, he tries not to stare, but he also looked up peter’s entry number on the list to find his name so he already knows he’s gonna ask him out

except every damn time he gets a break, he can’t find peter anywhere, not until he got up on stage to dance, and he’s good, really good, he literally gets a standing ovation when the music stops, hell wade’s clapping too

wade grabs peter when he walks by the dj booth to get off stage and hands him a piece of paper with his number on it, tell him to call sometime, one of the judges saw him flirting with peter and he got “let go” for “not being professional”, which sucks, but he’s still holding out hope that peter will call and it’ll all be worth it


	905. Chapter 905

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, murder, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade getting disembowled by a villain and peter knows the drill that although wade can just grow the organs back, the fastest way is to put the them back into his body. wade is dead when peter gently sets wade’s heart back into his chest, and something comes over peter. he looks at wade’s heart and feels a sense of protectiveness. while wade is dead and healing, peter kills the villain. he doesn’t tell wade about it, weeks later he doesn’t know why he can’t stop thinking about wade’s heart."

peter and wade have known each other for a long time, they’ve got this down pat, peter knows way more about the human body than he ever wanted to, and he can assemble a full skeleton from a pile of bones in minutes, and it’s never been something he’s proud of, it’s a just a necessity

but more recently wade’s been opening up about his powers, and peter slowly started realizing that wade’s healing factor doesn’t really do anything but regrow, it still hurts when he gets hit, it still hurts when he has to grow a new arm out of his shoulder, but most importantly, he still dies

they’re fighting some two-bit villain with stolen weapons he doesn’t even know how to use, and the guy gets a lucky shot in, wade’s abdomen kind of explodes, and while the guy’s distracted by the intestines sticking to his face, peter webs him up and starts picking up the pieces

peter puts the heart back in last, trying to sort of stack it up on top of the intestines so it stays about in the right place, and when he’s looking at wade, laying on the ground with his guts shoveled back in, it really hits peter, wade doesn’t just fall down and get back up again like a marionette, he really truly died, all the pain and fear still the same intensity as the first time his soul rent from his body, and peter sees red

when wade wakes up later, peter tells him that the whole flying organs thing scared the villain off, probably won’t show up again

when peter wraps his arms around wade and pulls him up, he can feel wade’s heartbeat


	906. Chapter 906

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, band au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade is in a rock band. peter is a stressed out tour photographer. i beg of you"

peter drew the short straw and got picked to be the one to hit the road and get tour pictures of the overnight popular rock band, x-force

peter doesn’t particularly like the band, but he’s sure sick of it after the fourth week of listening to the same songs over and over again

wade’s one of “those” musicians, constantly drunk and messing around with groupies, thought he was king of the world, basically peter was not impressed with what he saw, but his boss was more than happy to get that shot of wade being dragged away by the police, naked and unconscious

wade’s band mates find peter and shove a wad of cash in his hand and tell him to bail out wade for them, since they know peter has a reputation for never getting drunk, and they were absolutely hammered

wade’s had a little time to sober up, and as peter finds out, that’s a bad thing, wade is depressing as hell when he doesn’t have a drink in hand, he just keeps talking about everything he’s ever done wrong, and peter is so uncomfortable the whole ride back

the next day wade comes and takes peter aside and asks him if he could just forget anything wade said last night, peter just held up his camera and said he was only there for the pictures

peter regretted ever being nice when wade decided he and peter were friends now, and constantly made peter’s life hell, peter didn’t want to be the center of attention, and now the other presses were suggesting he and wade had a thing, and peter’s boss basically told him to do whatever he had to to get good shots, so even his boss thought there was something

on the bright side, wade keeps dragging peter backstage, and to all the parties, so he may actually get a bonus for this trip, he’s got so many pictures of the band behind the scenes

and then everything goes to shit, all it took was one slip up, another photographer got a picture of drunk wade pulling peter in for a kiss while peter was just trying to drag his drunk ass back, since none of wade’s band mates wanted to, and it went viral


	907. Chapter 907

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "would married!spideypool adopt a kitten or a puppy?"

they’d accidentally adopt two of the stray dogs peter always ends up bringing home, and they’ve got one crotchety, gnarled cat with one eye that followed wade home one night that just never left

they named the cat fury


	908. Chapter 908

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, tattoo parlor au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Does Peter have stigmatophilia"

sure, why not

peter’s always been a tattoo fanatic, so it’s no surprise that he ended up a tattoo artist after getting his art degree, it’s also no surprise he started getting tattoos over all the scars he got as spiderman, and ended up tattooed neck to foot

peter’s particular forte was tattooing over scars, he did half his own tattoos, wade heard about it and ended up in peter’s chair, peter was actually excited, in more ways than one, he’d never done such an extensive project on scarred skin before

wade’s there all the time now, just to check up on his tattoos, and for photo shoots while peter recorded his progress, and peter starts finding wade more and more attractive bc he’s a kinky sob, honestly the rest of the parlor had bets on who would ask out who first, and by the time peter put the finishing touches on, they’re going out

peter uses wade a lot for practice, since wade’s tattoos always fade fairly fast, and wade loves it when peter traces over his newly inked skin


	909. Chapter 909

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, super family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "idk if you like superfamily or not but can you write anything about bratty peter, like he's still the most kindhearted guy and such but he got so spoiled by his parents that he can't help but be a brat sometimes bc he's used to getting whateverhe wants and wade wants to be annoyed by it but somehow it just turns him on and he kinda wants to spoil him too (andrew garfield's spidey ofc!!)"

he’s got a good heart, how could he not with his parents, but he’s also a spoiled rich kid that’s never actually had to try for anything in his life ever

he’s a media darling, and his on and off relationship with johnny storm is always in the headlines, they’re good friends, but they make terrible boyfriends, no matter how many times they try, that’s not going to change

tony and steve had made peter go to a normal people school, mostly because tony remembered how much he hated private school as a kid, where peter and harry osborne built up a bitter rivalry, which some how turned into frenemies, then just plain friends by graduation, which tony and norman griped over constantly, since they hated each other

he’s a grown ass man living off his parents’ money and working for his dad at stark labs, he’s in his late twenties and he still acts like he’s 14, he’s got the confidence of a chihuahua that doesn’t know how small he is

so when wade first meets spiderman, he’s equal parts turned on and fucking annoyed, kid thinks he’s hot shit, well he is, but he doesn’t have to be a dick about it, it turns into a game for peter, see how far he can push wade, and wade hates that he’s into it

peter’s such a brat, and wade would do anything he told him to


	910. Chapter 910

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "spidey gets a huge gash in his side and passes out so wade carries him back to his apartment to patch him up. he lifts up spideys suit to give stitches, before he does he injects spidey with a LOT of morphine. wade takes off his own mask (figuring spidey will stay unconscious and not see) and then he gets to work. while stitching, wade doesn’t noticed spidey wake up and take off his own mask being too high to care. wade looks up in shock to see peter and peter giggles and says “ur eyes are BLUE”"

superhero protocol says no peeking under the mask, and no hospitals, so wade does the only thing he can think of and takes spidey home, he’s got more pain killers than a hospital tho, so it’s basically the same thing

taking peter’s minor healing factor into account, but not his drug resistance, wade gives peter a shitload of morphine, takes off his mask, and gets to work

he was so focused that he didn’t notice peter taking off his own mask or looking around with wide eyes, until peter told wade to hand over the needle so he could do it himself, because wade’s stitches “weren’t even”

wade just figures since peter’s higher than a kite, he’d forget about this later, and tries to keep his eyes off peter’s face, but peter makes it real hard, he keeps trying to get up, and he seems to have forgotten about his superpowers, because he grabbed onto the back of the couch and ripped part of t he frame off when he tried to push himself up

peter gasped in surprise and leaned closer to wade to tell him not to tell wade about this, and then peter noticed wade’s eyes and grabbed his face to look closer, wade was internally panicking because he’s trying really hard to keep spidey’s trust in him, but it’s getting real hard now that peter’s shoved their faces together

and then peter says “your eyes are blue!” with a kind of awe in his voice, and wade just freezes, because nobody’s cared about that in years

and then the alarm bells in wade’s head go off and he injects peter with another dose of morphine, this time peter just flops back on the couch and stays there, and wade’s hoping real hard that he forgets this too, because he can’t get that out of his head, blue


	911. Chapter 911

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Does peter remember taking off his mask and seeing wade when he comes to? Does wade put Peter’s mask back on?"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "Omg. Hardcore need a continuation of Peter being high on morphine and finding out Wade had hella BLUE eyes! Please!?”

of course wade puts peter’s mask back on, just like he tried his hardest not to look when peter took it off, it’s important to spidey so he tries to keep the trust peter has in him

but no, peter doesn’t remember jack shit, he’s still pretty loopy for a while afterward, wade just sat him down in front of the tv with five tubs of ice cream until it wore off

peter was mostly confused, partly grateful, but the next time wade’s down and out, he wakes up in his own bed, instead of in some back alley with the rats, it’s nice, and for some reason peter can’t get the color blue out of his head lately


	912. Chapter 912

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "More please?! Peter remembering Wade has blue eyes! That can't be the end"

peter really can’t get baby blue out of his head, it’s like every time he goes somewhere, his eyes just get drawn to it, he’s gotten blue shirts and notebooks and cotton candy ice cream even though he hates the flavor, maybe it’s just his new favorite color now?

it’s not until peter’s second time at the dentist, because the anesthesia didn’t work the first time and they wanted to try morphine instead, he’s so out of it, but he tells mj and harry, who are driving him home and recording him acting like a fucking idiot, that “he has blue eyes”, but neither of them can get peter to say who he’s talking about

mj shows him the video when he’s recovering and it all hits him in a flash, he goes and finds wade later, and asks if wade’s already found out his identity, wade tells him no, didn’t even get a good look at his face

peter says thanks, and just as he’s about to leave, he says to wade you have really pretty blue eyes, and then he swings away as fast as he can, wade’s frozen between up and moving continents and blushing scarlet because spiderman just said that


	913. Chapter 913

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Got anymore of the blue eyes thing???? You’re the best Ilysm!!!"

what wade did went a long way in peter’s mind, like he really trusts wade now, so the next time wade gets hurt real bad, peter picks up the pieces, takes wade home, and rearranges him the best he can in the bathtub

wade’s incredibly disoriented when he wakes up in a strange bathroom with some guy watching him, but then the guy starts talking, and it sounds so familiar, wade’s halfway through the pad thai peter was spoon feeding him when he put two and two together and asked, spiderman?

peter gave wade his real name and asked him how he was feeling, but wade was just staring at peter’s face, instead he said, you have brown eyes


	914. Chapter 914

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "omfg please more of the blue eyed prompt pleeeease"

peter and wade spend so much time at each other’s places that wade has some knives and a full deadpool suit stashed away at peter’s place, and peter’s got an extra canister of web fluid and another spiderman mask at wade’s place, wade most definitely puts on the spiderman mask when peter’s not there and talks to himself in front of the mirror

peter walks in on him once and instead of making fun of him, they just called each other spiderman all day, and wade kept the mask on, it’s an inside joke between the two of them, people already mistake wade for peter when he’s in costume, and that was just the icing on the cake, so whenever peter wants to get on wade’s nerves, he’ll start calling him spiderman


	915. Chapter 915

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love your blog so much!!! but I just have this thought of since Wade can never die and will outlive Peter. Peter attempts to make himself undying so Wade doesn't have to be alone forever"

wade always avoids it when peter brings it up, so peter doesn’t ask him for help, he just starts looking for a solution himself

peter wouldn’t betray wade by taking his blood, he knows what needles do to wade, but if he happens to find a loose arm or spleen after a battle, well what wade doesn’t know won’t hurt him

peter researches natural examples of longevity, trying to draw out his own healing factor, he’s grasping at straws trying to find the fountain of youth and it’s getting to him, wade notices he’s off lately but every time he tries to mention it, peter wiggles out of it

when science fails, peter reluctantly turns to magic, there’s a couple options, and none of them are all that great, especially the trading your soul thing, so he decides to go with the norse golden apples

loki kind of owes him a favor, so peter cashes it in and travels to asguard with him, maybe he just caught loki on a slow day, but he offered to help peter steal an apple, peter almost died seven different times, but they made it out alive with an apple

and peter immediately brought it back to wade to show him that peter’s going to stay with him forever, so he’s really fucking shocked when wade takes the apple from him and shoots it full of holes, and then peter gets really fucking angry

wade says he doesn’t want peter to live with the same curse that he has to, and peter tries to argue back that he’d rather live forever so he didn’t have to leave wade alone, it’s the one thing wade never budges on


	916. Chapter 916

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "A hs au where Wade, the ever-so-popular jock, sees our lovely SpiderNerd Petey and is immediately enamoured. Cue Wade trying to learn how to play chess and join the photography club to impress Peter"

so wade’s the Hot Jock™, and peter is your average nerd

now wade has a Type, and when he sees peter for the first time, that’s it, he just decides i am going to date him, and then he gets the rejection of his life when he swaggers up to peter, all confidence and smiles, and peter turns him down, politely

so wade goes through his midlife crisis in high school and decides that maybe peter just dates people he knows better, so wade, on the verge of becoming a stalker, finds out everything he can about peter, and starts changing shit up

like peter’s in chess club and photography club and the academic decathlon, he’s in all the advanced classes and will never touch an actual sport in his life if he can help it

so wade goes all in, he joins all the clubs peter’s in, steps up and gets a tutor so he can start getting good grades, reads every book he ever sees peter carrying around, and even gets the school to switch him into some of the more advanced classes, one of which he has with peter

he walks into the class he and peter now share, and goes to talk to peter asap, and peter just looks up and goes, oh i didn’t know you were in this class, and wade’s confidence just shatters

he’s supposed to be, you know, the guy, everybody’s his friend and nobody wants to turn him down twice, because he’s that amazing!

wade comes up with increasingly convoluted schemes to get peter to notice him, which all ultimately fail, because peter either never has his nose out of a book, or he just doesn’t give a fuck about what’s going on around him

wade is hanging onto the threads of his sanity, while mj’s asking him if he’s finally gonna give wade a break, peter’s known since the beginning, wade isn’t exactly subtle

peter finally asks wade to go to the prom with him, he just walks up to wade in the library, wade says yes, peter says cool, peter walks away, wade runs outside so he can scream at the top of his lungs bc he finally got a date


	917. Chapter 917

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Soulmate AU where they have each other’s names and Wade is like extremely famous and hides his soulmates name on his wrist to protect whoever they are and when peter turned twenty the name Wade W. Wilson (his celebrity crush) appeared on his wrist."

so wade is like a huge fucking deal, he’s an actor, like he’s the actor, every film wants him in it, and he’s swimming in more money than he knows what to do with, his face is plastered on every screen, when he broke his leg doing his own stunts, the movie literally stopped filming long enough for him to recover

and peter’s bi ass has had a celebrity crush on the guy for like two years now, half his dorm wall is covered in taped up pictures of wade he ripped out of magazines, but it was always like a kind of fantasy, he never really wanted to meet the real wade or anything, he was fine with his boring life as is

and then he woke up on his birthday with the guy’s name on his wrist, he’s already tried looking up every other wade w. wilson he can fucking find, he skipped a bio test just to search through every soulmate matching database he could find

it’s absolutely insane, but like, he’s gotta try, right?

and then it hits him, how in the ever loving hell is he supposed to contact The fucking wade wilson, just waltz into wherever he’s working? he didn’t even know if wade would take him seriously, he’s probably run into tons of fans that try the soulmate trick to get to him

and how did peter even know he wanted this guy to be his soulmate, what if they hate each other, what if he can’t stand being with a celebrity, what if peter just tattooed over his soul mark and forgot the whole thing, then they could both move on with their lives

peter could feel himself spiraling, so he called may, who never failed to talk common sense, like why don’t you just send him a letter

so he does, he’s rewritten it a million times, but in the end he decides on, “my name is peter benjamin parker, and i think you might be my soulmate?”


	918. Chapter 918

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, “It’s only been like, 2 minutes since you posted the famous soulmate thing but can we have a continuation please?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I know you literally just posted it but please continue the soulmate AU where Wade is famous. Maybe from Wade’s perspective or how they meet. Thank you so much, your writing is amazing.”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Can we get some more of that sweet sweet FamousSoulmates!AU??”
> 
> Ask from [shitty-imagines-95](https://shitty-imagines.tumblr.com), “Does Wade got the letter in the famous soulmate au?? Does he go meet Peter??”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Wowww, can you do more of the Soulmate au? I love the concept”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, "More soulmate please? The one where wade is an actor and Peter has a big ol crush on him”
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), “Continuation of the soulmate au where wade is famous af! Please and thank you!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “can you write more of the famous wade soulmate au? I love this blog so much you’re so talented”

it takes a while for wade to get peter’s letter, in fact it almost never got to him, the interns his agent makes sort the fan mail were just going to throw it away, but one of them said, wait, there’s no picture and it’s got the name, what if this one is real, so after a few months, after peter’s ready to give up, his letter makes it to wade

and wade’s heart nearly stops when he reads it, he’s had his soulmate’s name on his wrist for years now, and he was afraid that they didn’t want him, so wade up and ditches his agent, a photo shoot and a disney interview, which he knows is definitely going to bite him in the ass later, but fuck it, you only meet your soulmate for the first time once

he hops on a the first plane he can get and flies straight to ny, shows up at may’s front door looking for peter, since peter just picks up his mail from may’s instead of having it stolen by that one RA at his dorm, and may tells him that peter’s in class right now, but he’ll be back later, but she invited him in for snacks while he’s waiting

peter kicks off his shoes, dumps his bag on the couch, and walks into the kitchen where may and wade are eating lasagna and laughing, and peter just, blanks, his brain shuts down, unresponsive, unable to process, never in his wildest dreams has any of this ever happened before

and wade’s like, peter? peter parker?, and peter just nods dumbly, and wade flashes his stupid perfect smile and rolls up his sleeve to show peter where peter b. parker was written on his wrist

peter kind of lets out this single hysterical laugh, because of course his soulmate is motherfucking wade goddamn wilson

wade basically drops all his jobs in cali and moves to new york so he can date peter, and peter is so fucking starstruck for the first six months of it all, he’s pretty sure he’s gonna fuck this up real quick, he almost died when he walked into his own dorm room to find wade looking at all his stupid posters and pictures on the wall, peter is mortified, wade thinks it’s cute

wade basically falls head over heels for peter from the moment they met, he keeps trying to impress him by doing all the dumb rich people shit that most people are easily impressed with, but it just makes peter uncomfortable, and he keeps trying to return wade’s gifts because “they’re too expensive”, and it’s driving wade up the wall because how the fuck is he supposed to flirt with peter

he moans and groans to his agent so much that she basically kicks him out and tells him to take peter on a date where he wants to go, not where wade thinks peter wants to go, she slams the door in his face, muttering something about him being a fucking useless man child, but he takes her advice

wade covers up in the most suspicious looking ratty sneakers, grey oversized hoodie and dark glasses, they take the subway, which wade hates immediately, peter keeps laughing at him the whole way, they go to one of peter’s favorite mexican places, then peter shows him around nyc, wade buys a lot of cheesy merch to peter’s amusement, peter tells him about his job at the daily bugle, where he rode his bike into a pole once and had to run the rest of the way to work because he’d twisted the damn thing so bad it was never going to work again

wade starts getting it, when he absolutely has to go back to work in cali for a few months unless he wants to get sued, he sends peter backstage pictures from the photo shoot he’s doing where he’s dressed like marilyn monroe, and one of those electronic picture frames, already loaded up with pictures of him and peter, as well as ones of peter’s childhood with may and ben that wade had asked may for

peter actually tears up when he turns it on, may smiles and asks peter if he’s the one, peter just nods and smiles that stupid smile, the one that says he’s absolutely smitten


	919. Chapter 919

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "is been .25 seconds but can we have more of the celeb soulmate au it's marvelous"

the press has a fucking field day when they find out about peter and wade, headlines about the celeb’s secret soulmate run wild, nobody knows jack shit about peter, so they’re using what pictures they can find of him from like high school

peter absolutely does not like it, random strangers and people he hasn’t talked to in seven years keep trying to ask him about wade, he’s gotten about a hundred people asking if peter can get them autographs, wade keeps telling peter that when it stops being new, they’ll ease off, peter’s not so sure he believes wade

wade feels really bad about the whole thing, and he can see how much it’s taking out of peter, so he borrows a friend’s private jet and takes peter and may to the caribbeans for a well deserved vacation, it almost makes it worth the trouble


	920. Chapter 920

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote deadpool,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How about Spideypool with Venom but Wade is the one with the symbiot??"

wade does it out of pity, which is hilarious coming from him, but the thing was all alone and scared, and some part of wade just couldn’t kill it, so instead he bonded with it

peter’s got a whole bag of problems with the arrangement, wade and venom fuel the worse in each other, and ever since venom joined the party, wade’s head has been more chaotic than ever

and then there’s the days where wade just can’t handle it anymore, he shuts off before he can hurt himself and venom takes over, those are the days peter is afraid of, wade’s already a ball of rage, so when venom takes over, they just amplify that

peter’s been forcing them to go to anger management classes, which has actually helped a little, wade and venom have the most fun when the odds are impossible, together wade and venom can shoot up to eight guns at once, they’re like a tornado of bullets

in a way venom is actually good for him, venom screams back against the other voices, even if it is just to establish control, and venom’s constantly stroking wade’s ego, which has helped with his self confidence some

peter’s still wary, but in the end, wade is happier, and lately nobody’s died, so it might just work out after all


	921. Chapter 921

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, queerphobia, high school au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "High school au, where Peter is a nerdy high school student who gets beaten up, until the new kid wade shows up and teaches him for to fight"

peter’s the weird queer kid, and he hangs out with his equally weird queer friends, and high school is generally shit, so peter ended up getting beat up a lot, it’s not like the teachers were going to do jack shit either, the one time peter tried asking for help, he got told to stop making himself a target, by a grown ass adult, so he just tried to be small

until wade showed up one day, saw what was going on, grabbed onto one of the kids that was kicking the shit out of peter, and held him there while he taught peter how to punch, and then made peter and the kid fight

it was completely bizarre, and peter didn’t win, but he did give the other kid a bloody nose, so he was pretty damn proud of himself when may got there, she wasn’t, but peter didn’t let that ruin it for him

wade’s new, so of course peter tries to get wade to sit at his table during lunch the next day so he can say thanks, wade groaned internally, but like where the hell else was he going to sit

wade tells peter that all he did was get him beat up more, but peter brushes that off and tells wade that for the first time in his life, he’s not scared of them anymore

then wade asks why they were after him, and peter and his friends kind of glance at each other, mj tells him that this is the gay table, either shove a rainbow flag up your ass or get out

wade just starts laughing, he already knows he’s not straight, but damn he’s never met anybody that’s just said it outright before, maybe this year won’t be so bad after all


	922. Chapter 922

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "“Either shove a rainbow flag up your ass or get out” lmAO what does wade do?"

wade sticks around, and the more he’s around peter, the faster he falls for him, and it’s so obvious to everyone except peter that it’s painful, their friends are always teasing wade behind peter’s back, and they all keep telling wade to say something already

the whole year that wade’s there he’s just pining after peter, but he’s too terrified of saying anything, on his last day he pulled peter aside but lost his nerve at the last second and instead told peter he’d miss him

when wade moved again, he and peter kept in contact, a year later wade graduated high school and wound up with a scholarship, so even though he never thought he’d get the chance, he started college

peter was ecstatic when wade told him, whenever wade got bored in class he’d start texting peter, and peter would tell him to pay attention, wade never listened

peter called wade right after his graduation and said he wished he’d been there, peter told him it didn’t matter, he was just happy to hear him

wade thought he was hallucinating when he walked on campus the next year and saw peter talking to somebody, it was totally rude, but he ran over and turned peter around, completely ignoring the person peter was talking to, and peter laughed and told him he ruined the surprise

wade and peter were inseparable, peter’s roommate got so fed up with them that he switched rooms with wade, wade absolutely planned that

one day when they were just messing around on their laptops in their dorm, wade asked peter why he picked this college, and peter went absolutely red, he wouldn’t look at wade when he said it was because wade was here

wade got that stupid fluttery feeling in his chest, and he told peter there was something he wanted to ask peter years ago, wanna get coffee sometime?, after clarifying that wade was asking him out on a date date, peter said yes


	923. Chapter 923

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, gore, cannibalism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "prompt: Wade saving spidey from losing himself to venom?"

so this could go two ways, the one you’re probably hoping for is the dramatic scene on the rooftops, under grey skies when wade takes beating after beating trying to reach whatever piece of peter is left inside of venom, and wade taking off his mask was enough to wake peter up enough to stop venom, just as it begins to rain, venom melts off of peter with a scream and wade limps over to peter, they’re both exhausted and beaten and lying in the rain, but wade grabs peter’s hand, and they both feel like everything’s going to work out

but like also

wade trying to keep venom sated so peter doesn’t have to deal with a berserk symbiote again, wade trying to train venom with basically a how to train your dog for idiots book that he got at the library, and it kind of works

like venom is very violence motivated, so if venom behaves, then they go out to the docs and smash shit nobody uses anymore, sometimes wade finds a dead raccoon in the road and brings it home as a treat for venom, peter likes to not be awake for those

they literally have a spray bottle in the kitchen for when venom is acting up, the first time wade sprayed venom with it and said bad alien, peter laughed so hard that venom was actually worried something was wrong with him

and sometimes when venom’s been really good, wade holds onto his severed limbs for venom to eat later, they have an extra freezer for dead things now since peter didn’t want the bag of ears next to his ice cream anymore, wade loses ears at an astonishing rate


	924. Chapter 924

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Deadpool and Spider-Man, who don't know each other well, find a street cat/kitten together and end up co-parenting it."

peter hears it first, it’s the tinniest and most pathetic little mew he’s ever heard, so of course he has to check it out, it’s a little scruffy kitten with half a tail and when it sees peter, it immediately hisses and tries clawing him, poor thing looks half starved

when wade catches up, peter’s already cuddling the little guy while it screams and tears his suit to shreds, wade’s more than happy to leave spidey to do his overachiever hero thing, but then peter says he can’t take him home, and goddamn, peter’s looking at wade with that hopeful face, and wade can’t say no

so wade ends up taking the little furball home, they don’t really get along, wade nearly steps on it five different times because for some reason it’s particularly fond of going after wade’s ankles, like he’s got a healing factor and all, but damn those little needle sharp claws hurt

it won’t eat the cat food wade had to go out and buy for it unless he leaves the room, and whenever he locks the little orange brat out of his bedroom so he can get some fucking sleep, but then he starts yowling until wade lets him in the bedroom so he can fall asleep on wade’s face, he’d rather die than admit he doesn’t hate the little monster

the next time peter comes over to see the kitten, wade tells him he picked a name, logan, like another angry, hairy, little man he knows

peter once fell asleep on the couch with logan on his chest, wade took about a million pictures and left them alone to their nap


	925. Chapter 925

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, kidnapping, actor au, bodyguard au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Actor AU where Wade and Peter are both famous actors. However Wade's great career ended with a horrible theater fire that left him with third degree burns over the majority of his body. And so he falls back to what he'd been before he started acting: a bodyguard. Some time later, Peter just barely escapes his own theater fire with no injuries. The police suspect fowl play and recommend he find himself a bodyguard to protect him while they figure this out. Enter one Wade Wilson."

wade’s hot shit and he knows it, he’s been on broadway, tv, and won three oscars, funny enough it’s a local theater he’s at for a fundraiser that burns to the ground, he stayed long enough to make sure everyone was out, and then had the roof fall on him while he was trying to get out himself, he was lucky enough to keep both legs and arms, but it left horrific burns scars all over his body

he’s not exactly pretty enough to be a lead now, and he’s been in the hospital for so long that he’s old news now, so he says fuck it, and goes back to his old job as a bodyguard, and he’s good at it, he also looks like the kind of guy that could fight a shark and win, so that actually helps

peter a new up and coming actor, he’s been in two major movies so far, which rocketed his popularity, and now he’s getting job offers left and right, but one of his fans goes a little overboard, and peter scared when he narrowly escapes the fire on set, and the police say it may not of been an accident

so peter gets a bodyguard, except his bodyguard is wade wilson, and peter’s a little star struck, wade’s also hella intimidating, so they don’t really talk a lot at first

peter warms up to him after a little kid in a darth vader costume tried to use the force and wade dropped to the floor and pretended to die, it was fucking adorable

peter finally works up the courage to ask wade for his signature, wade’s kind of flustered, because he hasn’t had anybody ask in a while, and peter’s definitely a bigger star than him

when peter broke his leg, wade got fed up with all the detours they had to take to find the elevators everywhere they went, and just picked peter up and started carrying him around, peter thinks it’s embarrassing, but he’s also not gonna say no, it’s the only time he’s allowed to covertly feel wade up, peter’s crushing hard

as it turns out, it really was the crazy fan peter had been wary of, except it’s not peter they kidnap, peter wakes up one morning with a text from wade, except it’s just a picture of wade tied up, blindfolded and gagged, underneath the picture it says come alone to this address and he won’t get hurt

peter’s kind of a fucking idiot, because he hops in his car and goes alone

peter found the gun wade had stashed in his car, looked up a youtube video on how to turn off the safety, and ran into the warehouse, and held his stalker at gunpoint until the cops showed up

as soon as the gag is out of wade’s mouth, he’s already yelling at peter, because what in the actual literal fuck did you think you were doing, just _call the goddamn cops_ and stay home for _fuck’s sake, where the **hell** did you even get a fucking gun_

and peter’s just so emotionally frazzled that he starts crying and just hugs wade, and says i thought you were gonna die


	926. Chapter 926

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, actor au, bodyguard au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from eeirien, "More of that ex-actor/current bodyguard!Wade and actor!Peter?? How does de media react about the kidnapping incident? Does Wade get in trouble from Peter's agents (cue Mr. Stark?) for not being able to protect himself so "how the fuck do you plan on protecting Peter, Wilson"? Obviously Peter and Wade bond gets stronger after that, but as Mr. Stark is a worrywart he hires another bodyguard for Peter, enters super scary and almost alien-like Venom. ???"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Continuation of the actor au?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “ACTOR AU!!! fucking amazing please continue”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “P sure you just posted the actor thing but can we get more of it please?????”

peter’s agent and longtime surrogate father figure, tony stark, is justifiably worried about peter, because not only did his bodyguard get kidnapped, but then peter ran headfirst into the fucking trap himself and risked both their lives, because apparently he’s a fucking idiot

peter threw a fit when tony tried to fire wade, so instead they came to a compromise, peter got to keep wade, and tony got to pick another bodyguard himself, enter venom, nobody’s sure if that’s his actual name, but who’s gonna check

venom is a massive guy, the one time peter saw him smile he got nightmares for a week, there’s just something off about him, but tony said he’s the best, he and wade don’t always get along so well, and peter doesn’t talk to him unless he has to

as it turns out, peter really did need the extra protection, after the media got ahold of the story, wade’s popularity blew up again, so now people were mobbing peter and wade, and venom ended up having to step in for wade half the time

and then wade got a call, an old director friend of his was filming a new a new darth vader movie, and they wanted wade, the timing was perfect, wade was big again, and it was the opportunity of a lifetime, wade said he’ll think about it

peter was heartbroken when wade said he was quitting, tony was ecstatic, no severance pay, and then he just left, peter tried to keep in contact, but wade was always busy, and traveling, which made sense when the posters came out

peter called up wade to chew him out for not telling peter he quit to do a movie, and to congratulate him, wade had been so nervous about the whole thing that peter finding out was a relief, and the next time he was in new york, peter used venom to kidnap wade for a lunch date

wade ended up taking peter to the premier and causing a massive scandal when peter kissed him on their way out


	927. Chapter 927

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, actor au, bodyguard au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "Can you please do more of bodyguard wade!?"

peter and wade are on the front of every magazine and paper, they’re the only thing people are talking about, peter and wade do about a million interviews where they’re just sitting there trying to explain to the interviewer that they’re not gay, peter’s bi and wade’s pan, stop saying we’re gay

peter and wade show up to the red carpet in matching pride tuxes, they’re massive saps and on their first anniversary, they both accidentally ruin each other’s surprise by planning something for the same time

they’ve both grown to like venom, he’s… interesting, in his own special way, but tony was right about him being the best, he’s seriously intimidating and he’s enough of a body guard that peter and wade feel comfortable going on dates when he’s around

venom is the best man at the wedding, tony complains until peter tells him to shut up somebody has to give me away, tony had to turn around because he was tearing up

they costared in a superhero movie as enemies, which was hilarious because after the blooper reel came out, it was mostly wade and peter breaking character to be sappy and make out

peter really loves that one scene where wade’s like cutting through fucking bullets, he’s got a thing for wade doing that stupid supervillain voice now

wade buys all their movie merch so that he and peter have matching collectables, the movie sells more because of peter and wade than it does for being good


	928. Chapter 928

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, guns, murder, dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Super dark au, possibly trigging , Peter doesn't get his powers, but his uncle is still killed. He still gets bullied, and he's scared about what's going to happen to aunt May if another robber comes, so he buys a gun from arms dealer wade Wilson, a cancer survivor buried in medal bills who has to resort to selling guns on the street to make money"

shitty things happen to good people for no reason at all, as terrified as peter was at the thought of owning a gun, he’d rather have one than suffer in fear, he just wants to be able to protect aunt may if something else happens, he’s also just a kid, so he’s gotta jump through some hoops to get his hands on one

wade’s almost mad that he lived, if he’d been smart, he would have offed himself after he got the diagnosis, skipped out on the bill and went right on to the afterlife, but no, fucking modern medicine, so now he’s up to his ears in debt, and on top of that, the cancer fucked up his face, so he can’t even get hired at a real job

a friend of his got him a contact, and he started selling guns, they were all sterile, serial numbers scratched off, and sometimes heavily modified, he wasn’t proud of it, but a guy’s gotta live

normally he doesn’t bat an eye at the people he sells to, gangs and shady looking people that won’t even show their faces, but when this kid walks over to him, shaking in his sneakers, and offers him a stack of cash in fives and tens, he can’t help but care a little, so he asks the kid what he needs a gun for, and peter just says to keep my aunt safe

jesus, wade feels bad for him already, everybody knows you don’t actually tell the truth around here, he’s worried about what kind of trouble his aunt got into that this kid would get a gun for her

against his better judgement, he takes the money and gives peter a handgun, kid can’t even hold it right, so wade shows him how to put the safety on, how to aim, and what kind of bullets he needs, and by the end, peter almost looks like he’s about to cry

wade tries to put peter out of his mind, but he keeps thinking about him, he’s just a kid

it’s not the last time he sees peter, they run into each other at the same gas station that’s being robbed at gunpoint, wade digs peter’s gun out of his backpack and his military training kicks in, one shot to the head and the guy’s down, wade picks up the robber’s gun too and walks out before the cops show up

peter finds wade the next day, but when wade tries to give him the gun back, peter tells him to keep it, obviously having it didn’t make him or his aunt any safer, wade tells him he can’t give him a refund, peter says that’s ok, and then he walks off

wade never sees him again, and he hopes that’s a good thing


	929. Chapter 929

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter: "I swear to god if I stub my toe on one more sword, I'm filing for a divorce!" Wade: "We... We aren't even married??" Later: *Muffled swearing* Wade: "that one wasn't a sword, I swear! Not technically, at least...""

wade’s apartment is kind of a shit hole, like he hates himself, has severe depression, and usually torches the place every few months, so like, why bother

peter on the other hand is getting very goddamn sick and tired of tripping over swords and boxes of ammo, landing in a pile of mostly empty week old pizza boxes, and then having to watch a couple rats run by

as of late, peter’s convinced wade to at least clean up the shit that’s going to rot, it’s marginally more tolerable, but wade still leaves his crap fucking everywhere

so when peter hits his toe on another sword, he swears and says the first thing that pops into his head, “I swear to god if I stub my toe on one more sword, I’m filing for a divorce!”, he’s already said it so he can’t take it back

wade’s a little thrown, but he does pick up the larger swords, and then peter stubs his toe on a hunting knife, and he’s already at the window saying they’re through, and wade wraps his arms around peter’s waist and begs him not to leave, think of the children

and peter’s laughing so hard that he falls back into the room on top of wade


	930. Chapter 930

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, friends to lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love the idea of everybody knowing wade and peter are in a relationship except wade and peter. When they finally announce that they’re dating, everyone is like “wait....haven’t you two been together for at least 2 years?”"

wade and peter have always been good friends, and they’ve always bickered like an old married couple no matter the situation, and since crime fighting is exhausting, they ended up crashing at wade’s place a lot, and peter, who was raised by may and knew how to stock a fucking fridge, was appalled at the state of wade’s kitchen

he ended up leaving out grocery lists for wade and reminding him to pick up flour or milk in the middle of battle, and honestly, peter’s just as bad about sleeping, like wade has knocked peter out a couple times because he was just so stressed out with everything going on that he hadn’t sleep in a week

so yeah, everybody just assumes peter and wade are in a relationship, most of the avengers have been victim to the aftermath of one of wade and peter’s fights, peter starts the anxiety spiral, while wade gets whinny and extra violent, the change is immediate when they make up

and there’s the many many times that somebody’s walked in on them both half naked, peter swears up and down that they’re just patching each other up, he tries to make wade as comfortable as possible, so they always do it alone, when asked, wade just giggles and makes obscene hand gestures

so when peter and wade say they have an announcement, everybody’s actually wondering what it is, and then peter says they’re dating, and everybody looks around in confusion, and somebody says, haven’t you guys been together for like two years now? we even got you a cake for your anniversary, and peter has never been so offended in his life, excuse me i thought that was a hero anniversary, so none of you actually cared about that?


	931. Chapter 931

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, violence, guns, murder, treasure planet au, pirate au, space au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [helloiampac](http://helloiampac.tumblr.com/), "Treasure Planet AU with Peter as Jim since they both share the same dopey haircut. Maybe Wade as one of the hired mercenaries or he's part of the pirate captain's undercover crew? That movie didn't have enough world exploration, it wasn't enough."

peter and his aunt were good people, unfortunately in this world, no good deed goes unpunished

in a single night, they lost everything to pirates, peter had to watch his home burn to the ground, the only thing he had left was a golden ball and the last words of a dear friend

but with this tragedy came a particular opportunity, while staying at family friend dr. stark’s estate, peter accidentally unlocked the golden ball, and discovered a holographic map charting to stars far into the deepest reaches of the known galaxy, and then beyond, all the way to the fabled treasure planet

tony was of course ecstatic, he was ready to leave immediately, to discover quite possibly the most famous legend of all time, may was against peter going, but tony promised to take care of him, and peter begged and pleaded, and she relented

it’s the most exciting thing peter’s ever done, besides almost getting eaten by a lost Platanistoidea Galacticus, bloated and sharp toothed descendants of river dolphins that mostly live in the upper atmosphere of inhabited planets, may nearly had a heart attack when peter came home covered in blood with a razor sharp tooth stuck in his leg

tony had bought the best money could buy, a once retired naval man-o-war, recommissioned as the RLS Valkyrie, and perhaps not the best crew, but certainly the most capable, led by the renowned captain romanova

peter immediately gets on the crew’s bad side by bumping into the hovering crane and knocking half the storage units free, which took forever to round back up

wade in particular likes making peter’s ship life hell, he’s a few feet taller than peter with a massive scarred build and an odd number of limbs, eyes kind of pop up all over his body and his head is fused into his shoulders, peter picks up gossip around the ship that wade’s the best brawler they have, since he can keep fighting when he looses a limb until a new one grows in its place

peter gets to experience it first hand when he picks a fight with a little sluggy guy with sharp teeth and surprisingly fast fists, he’s in over his head and wade comes to his rescue by soundly beating the guy in peter’s place, he lost two eyes on his chest and peter felt so bad he tried to make it up to wade by actually being helpful, which meant he got in the way a lot, but all that hiding in the rigging and looking for wade meant he got pretty good at running around with ropes and throwing in some acrobatics

wade took pity on him and actually taught peter how to work on a ship, charm the cook, run from the captain when she started looking for “volunteers”, how to shoot a laser pistol, how to clean a cutlass, how to tie a knot

and wade may have woken peter up in the middle of the night to take the tender out for a joyride to catch a comet’s tail, peter got scratched up in the ice flying off the end, but it never stopped him from reaching out and feeling the spray of stardust pass him by, in the blue-green glow of the comet, wade first fell in love as peter grabbed the controls and started racing the comet with a wild light in his eyes, laughing like he’d just learned how to fly

as wade found out, peter actually has little self preservation instincts, peter’s taken to climbing around the rigging with the confidence of a monkey, he starts shit with the crew all the time because he just can’t leave well enough alone, and he never runs from a fight either, the captain already told him off for rigging a makeshift solar surfer and then accidentally letting it lose and destroying a plasma canon, peter actually gets grounded for that incident

the farther they got from home, the more tony pulled peter away to help him with data collection, and wade started getting noticeably peeved about it, someone made the mistake of taunting wade about losing his little cabin boy and ended up with wade’s fist around their neck, until cable put a hand on wade’s shoulder and told him to save it for the real fight

peter was stuck in the sleeping quarters still because the captain told him that if she saw his face on deck right now she might end up strangling him, so peter’s been laying low, but he’s also bored out of his mind, he’d gotten used to climbing around in the rigging and jumping off places he really shouldn’t, to sit still now was torture, so he decided to try out some of wade’s advice and charm the cook

peter stopped right before the kitchen when he heard cable giving a quiet speech about laying low and waiting until the time was right to take control of the ship themselves, and with a sinking feeling in his gut, peter realized that they’d be slaughtered by pirates, peter ducked behind some boxes of ammo as a cheer went up on deck, the pirates rushed out of the kitchens all wanting to get a glimpse at the fabled planet of lore

peter’s heart was pounding as he laid as still as possible, he held his breath when wade walked by, clearly going to the sleeping quarters to find peter, as soon as wade was gone, peter raced to the deck, everyone else was distracted by the sight of the planet looming in the distance, so peter made a mad dash for the captain

she wasn’t happy to see him, but as soon as peter started furiously whispering about the pirates, her whole mood changed, she told him to grab dr. stark and meet her in her cabin

a few trusted crew members had been gathered as well, natasha passed out laser pistols and gave peter back the map, telling him to guard it with his life, they quietly filed out and one by one disappeared below deck to ready the tender and escape

peter ran into wade of all people on his way down, wade asked him where he was going at a time like this, and peter said he was going to make sure his bag was packed for when they landed, wade said it would be hours before then, why doesn’t he go up and have a look with the rest of the crew, peter said the crew wasn’t that fond of him and brushed by wade, wade saw the laser pistol under peter’s coat and knew immediately something had gone wrong, but for the life of him, he couldn’t bring himself to tell cable

peter and the small crew tried as silently as possible to leave the ship, but someone spotted them heading towards the planet ahead of them, and suddenly all laser cannons were turned on them, natasha expertly avoided their fire as well as she could, but the barrage was too much, and the engine was hit

dr. stark wrapped himself around peter as they hurtled into what looked like a jungle, natasha grabbed onto the rudder and threw her weight on it, keeping them headed straight as the tender fought to overturn, as they hit the ground, natasha was thrown, hitting a tree and breaking one of her legs

they all gathered what they could from the wreckage and sent out several people to scout for shelter, but it was only a matter of time before they were all rounded up by the pirate crew, natasha was heavily drugged with whatever dr. stark had found in their one first aid pack, and was spitting curses at her traitorous crew in every language she could remember

peter refused to open the map, and none of the pirates could figure it out themselves, peter used it as a bargaining chip to keep them all alive, he said if they wanted the map, they’d have to take him too, and keep the rest of the crew alive

cable reluctantly acquiesced, of course wade had a lot to say when he got told he was to stay behind and watch the captives, this was a chance of a lifetime, and he was being benched, and when wade tried to argue back, cable said it was wade’s favorite that almost ruined everything, and wade just seethed

peter’s map led them to a lone cliff, where the trail stopped short, the pirates were starting to get antsy and peter couldn’t figure out why the map had stopped working, until he got his face shoved in the dirt and realized the patterns in the ground matched those in the map, so he moved the gold ball closer to the center, where it was practically pulled from his hand to fit into a perfect groove in the stone, all around them the planet came alive, green marking and writings flashing as a massive portal opened up before their very eyes

peter couldn’t help himself, he started flipping through the map, watching with fascination as planet after planet, millions of light years away, flickered in front of his eyes, it all made sense, the stories, the legends, the pirate who could disappear without a trace

peter was brought back to reality when cable told him to find the treasure, well flint was a pirate, and pirates always bury their treasure, so it has to be… peter reached for the center of the map, the center of the tiny holographic treasure planet, and the portal opened again

they were bathed in a golden glow as everyone fell silent in sheer awe of the hidden horde, miles upon miles of precious stones, shimmering gold, and priceless treasures stretched before them

cable took the first careful step and the rest followed, peter got pulled along, just as awestruck as the rest of them, none of them noticed the alarms they tripped beginning to blink

back at the campsite, wade was getting real fucking tired of listening to the disgraced captain ramble on about pride and courage and how none of them had the stones to face her head on, she was of course tied to a tree with a broken leg and most likely internal bleeding

but then tony got an idea, he started goading wade on, asking him if he was really going to just sit there while everyone else stuffed their pockets, doesn’t he want to see the hoard of the greatest pirate to ever live, wasn’t it insulting that he was the only one to stay behind, but all it did wad make wade angry

eventually tony gave up with a sigh and asked natasha if she thought peter was going to be ok

and that was the last straw, he said fuck it and started cutting people lose, he told tony to get the ship ready to leave as soon as he got back with peter, and if they weren’t back in an hour, leave anyways, wade took a laser pistol and started running in the direction the other’s had left in

wade was just as star struck as the rest of them had been, more riches than he could have ever dreamed of, enough to start a new life a hundred times over, hell it was enough to buy a whole lot more than that, make up for everything that had ever happened to him, have the life he always deserved

and then he saw peter, and realized he was going to give up everything he’d ever wanted, and he wasn’t even hesitating

wade didn’t really have a plan, it was mostly, oh let’s hope everybody’s too distracted to see me while i trudge through waist deep gold and jewels and step on this ornate crown and scream bloody murder and accidentally get noticed, yeah it didn’t go well

cable was not happy to see him here, but instead of making an example of wade, he addressed the crew, spread around him, he called wade’s loyalty into question, asked if they really wanted to let wade get away with everything, and a mountain of their treasure, within minutes wade was swarmed, fighting off pirates just to stay alive

and then a shot rang through the air and everyone turned to see peter had stolen a pistol and shot his captor, and then he started aiming for everybody else, wade dove behind the same bejeweled arch as peter and thanked him for saving his ass, to which peter frostily told him that wasn’t his intention

wade said thanks anyway and told peter that they had about half an hour left to get to the ship or his friends would be leaving without them, peter turned to stare at wade and he let out a laugh of disbelief, wade shrugged, he said he wasn’t sure peter was going to make it out alive if he didn’t do something stupid first

unfortunately they were trapped by enemy fire, peter and wade exchanged explosive fire with the pirates just to keep them all at a standstill, but time was running out, and wade was afraid they weren’t going to make it in time, and call him sentimental, but he’d really rather not die on a fucking bed of gold in the middle of nowhere

even their last chance of making a mad dash for the exit was stopped when two of the pirates made their way over to block them on that side as well, wade cursed as he ran out of plasma, tossing the gun away, wade told peter to hide behind him as they ran for the portal, but peter spotted the old shipwreck behind them and told wade he had a better idea

dodging fire and slowly moving backwards, they made their way to the ship, the pirates, emboldened by their retreat, moved forward, when they both managed to get on deck without getting shot, peter handed wade his pistol and started yanking at whatever paneling he could find

just then, a massive rumbling filled the air as the floor itself split between them and the pirates, treasure began sliding down towards burning hot cracks in the floor, the pirates panicked as they tried to run for the exit in a sea of sinking metal and stone, another crack opened up in front of the exit with a hiss, scalding steam pushing them back

wade told peter that right now would be a really good time for a miracle, and peter told him to shut up he’s fucking trying, wade kicked off the pirates that had been close enough to try and jump on the ship, smiling in satisfaction as he shot that one bastard he always hated

the ground rumbled again as massive pillars broke free from the ceiling and slammed into the ground, pushing the cracks in the ground even wider, with a dawning horror, wade realized what was happening, frantically saying peter’s name, he told him they had to go, right the fuck now

with a massive spark and a swear, the ship started up, and peter pulled himself out from all the wiring while sucking on his finger, wade grabbed the controls and floored it out of the collapsing cavern as peter stood in dumb shock, looking at the mayhem

as they caught up to the RLS Valkyrie, peter let out a cheer, and then wade had to go and ruin it, he hopped on board the main ship and grabbed tony, who was closest, he was basically yelling while he explained that they were all royally fucked because even though they’re sailing away, the whole planet is going to blow and they’re going to die

peter had to yell from the other ship to be heard, the portal was still there, they could still change it and escape in time, and as fucking terrified of going back as wade was, it was the best option they had, so he told the crew to turn the ship around and head for the portal, and then he hopped back on the other ship with peter, telling him to go back, wade can do this himself

to which peter slammed the controls around, throwing wade to the floor and setting them back on course for the exploding portal of doom, peter could hear wade yelling something like you fucking idiot, peter started grabbing whatever rope he could find, quickly tying knots and throwing one end to wade, when wade realized what peter was trying to do, he said hell no, but he also knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop him

so he stood up and grabbed peter’s shoulder and said if we die there’s something i want to tell you, but peter tied the other end around his waist and said he could say it when they’re out of here, and then he jumped over the edge and wade scrambled to get footing so his arm wouldn’t go flying off with peter, it still hurt like hell though

peter held onto the rope for dear life as brittle branches stung his skin, with one eye open, he aimed for Montressor, wade pulled himself to the controls, still holding onto the rope, and angled them so they’d pass the map without going through the portal

tony held the Valkyrie steady, since no one else would, he shut his eyes and kept his trembling hands firm, praying for a miracle

as soon as peter touched the planet on the map, the larger ship shot past them, soaring toward the safety of the orbiting montressor spaceport, wade slammed on the rudder and the old ship groaned with the effort of staying together as it turned into the portal just as the planet behind them exploded with a force so violent, peter still got burned by what still escaped the portal

wade hauled peter up and held him close as they flew side by side with the Valkyrie, peter was breathing hard, staring up at the stars, he asked wade, breathless, if he was dead yet, and wade told him he was going to have to try harder than that, and then peter groaned because that mean he was going to keep hurting for a long time

the look on may’s face when she saw peter again was a mix of relief, terror, and lastly, anger, because tony what in the hell happened to my nephew, look at him! he’s practically a walking bandage, what did you do, peter just laughed as he hugged her, tears welling up in his eyes

the old ship they’d sailed off the planet with they took back home, may cried when peter showed her the mountain of gold on the ship, they had enough to rebuild their home, hell they had enough to build a better one, and get some help so may wasn’t trying to do everything herself, and she could get herself whatever she wanted now, peter made sure she knew that

wade ended up sticking around for a while, just until peter was recovered enough to walk, peter caught wade trying to sneak away one night in a solar sailboat, peter asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, and wade said he wasn’t sticking around long enough for natasha to recover and drag his ass to the courts, besides, he’s not the kind of guy that just settles down, there’s a whole universe out there to explore, and he’s been itching to get back to it

he’s surprised when peter tosses his own bag in and hops in himself, peter tells him, you know after everything that happened, i don’t think i can be the kind of guy that settles down either, besides, there’s a lot of places i still want to see

and wade smiles and says he’ll follow peter to the ends of the universe


	932. Chapter 932

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade keeps throwing a bunch of shitty puns. Peter thinks it’s cute, of course, until Wade’s been disemboweled by the bad guy of the week, to which Wade picks his own heart off the ground and hands it to peter, saying “my heart is yours” and then dies for a while. Peter is not impressed."

peter will never admit it, but he thinks wade’s puns are fucking hilarious, maybe it’s the timing, or the look on everyone else’s faces when they groan

its all fun and games until peter has to watch wade get sliced open and disemboweled right in front of him, and when peter ran over to wade, wade grabbed his mostly intact heart off the ground next to him and held it out to peter, who took it without thinking, just to hear wade whisper “my heart is yours” before he died

peter was not fucking amused, he waited until wade was all regenerated to yell at him though


	933. Chapter 933

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where the last words your soulmate says before they die shows up on your skin. Peter isn’t sure whether he has multiple dead soulmates or one who keeps dying. He guesses it’s the latter, what with phrases like “oops”, “mmm whatcha say”, “top ten anime betrayals”, and “I only like rope when it’s used in a sexy way. This isn’t sexy.”"

at first peter was horrified at all the words appearing on his skin, how many people can you lose before you even meet them, peter kind of realizes his soulmate might not actually be dead when the lines started matching up, like how one day he found “you can’t kill me” on one arm, and later that night he found “you can’t kill me again” on his leg

as stupid as it was, it was a huge relief to peter, well not the fact that his soulmate had died so many times, but more the fact that they were still alive and out there somewhere

he was going to have words with his soulmate when they met, peter’s always wearing turtlenecks because wrapped around his neck is just a string of profanity, it’s fucking mortifying, and the number of times he’s gotten “ah fuck” and “oops” is staggeringly high

when peter first meets wade, he’s in his spiderman costume, trying to stop a robbery, wade was actually just walking by minding his own business, while still in costume, when a stray bullet got him in the shoulder

peter was worried, so he webbed up the bad guys and started to pick up wade so they could swing to the hospital, but wade waved him off, said to just give him a minute and he’ll be fine, since he’s basically immortal

peter just froze, processing, and with all the repressed rage of nearly thirty years of embarrassing soul marks, he said in a low accusing voice, you

peter tore off his glove and pulled up his sleeve, his arm was absolutely covered in words, and then wade started reading them, with a dawning realization, he started laughing, because oh shit, he’d really never considered that his soulmate would keep getting his last words

peter actually punched him before they picked a place to talk over lunch, wade knew he deserved that, but sonofabitch did he have to hit his shoulder


	934. Chapter 934

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Okay, okay so I was listening to the "Dance me To The End of Love" and suddenly in my head was masquerade ball for all the avengers (probably made by Tony) and they were all in suits and those masquerade little masks but Peter for example had spiderman masquerade mask and Wade had Deadpool and IT LOOKS SO GOOD IN MY HEAD AND THEY WERE DANCING TO THAT SONG CAN YOU WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT PRETTY? PLEASE"
> 
> [Dance Me to the End of Love by Leonard Cohen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1P3LjkE28)

every year tony stark throws an extravagant gala to raise money for all the superhero bullshit he gets saddled with, and that can be anything from repairs to the city to funding medical research for superhumans, it’s always a televised white tie event, so the guests always go big

this year’s theme was masks, so people showed up in stylized reinterpretations of their favorite heroes, to opulent costumes and porcelain masks reminiscent of the carnival of venice, and this year’s twist was that the heroes attending would be masked as well, just not in their usual crime fighting attire

since part of the draw was having superheros attending, tony had costumes made for those who sent rsvps, peter actually thought his was pretty cool, he had a heavy red cloak with slits for his arms, and his evening blue bejeweled suit had attached gloves, over his cape was a lighter than air cape of delicately sewn lace webs, his mask covered half his face, blood red stones arranged like eyes around his face

peter found wade not too long after he arrived, after all, wade was the only deadpool there, he had a massive red feathered ruff around his neck, and his head was hidden under a jaunty feathered hat and black hood that hid the edges of his mask, he’d worn a beaked mask pained in the style of his usual costume, his long black velvet coat rested on top of his voluminous red skirts that peaked out from under the bottom of his coat and brushed the ground with every step

peter let wade know it was him as they migrated around the other guests, trying to pick out some of the others, peter was certain tony was the man dressed in golden armor that moved without taking a step, wade was betting on a man in a purple and green jester’s costume being either bruce or clint

wade and peter left the smaller rooms when people started heading towards peter, he was one of several people with a spiderman theme, and obviously the guests were trying to see if the real one was behind one of the masks, they escaped to the main ballroom

as the next song came on, peter remembered it from when he and wade had to learn to dance for an undercover mission nearly a year ago, peter asked wade if he still remembered how to dance, and wade took his hand as peter led them towards the edge of the dancers

it was like that night in prague, they moved together in perfect unison, their feet having never forgotten the steps, peter’s cape seemed to float through the air as they spun together across the ballroom, secure in the knowledge that no one could even care who they were in that moment


	935. Chapter 935

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "For someone who kills often, wade doesn’t like to speak directly about death. Instead, he uses euphemisms. Every time peter leaves for a dangerous mission, wade tells him, “hey, don’t go where I can’t follow.” It takes peter a few times of hearing it to actually understand."

even though it’s something he’s faced a million times over and always present in his life, wade doesn’t like this aspect of his life, he always avoids it when he can, and especially with people he cares about, it’s like bad luck if he says it out loud

so when peter leaves for work or patrol, or really anything, wade will tell him to stay safe, or come back soon, or see you tonight, or that one time they were both facing the end of the world and wade grabbed peter’s hand and told him don’t go where i can’t follow


	936. Chapter 936

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where, when you fall in love with someone, the first words they say after you realize you love them appear on your wrist."

wade’s actually got a lot of words written on him, it’s just hard to see past the scars, he falls in love easy, peter’s words are wrapped around his side, it was when peter was staying over at wade’s after a long night, and when wade woke him up, peter sat bolt upright and yelled, i forgot to get butter, wade thought it was just so fucking funny, and just so very peter

peter’s only got a few things written on him, he’s always reluctant to let himself move on from those he’s lost, wade’s words are on his hip, when he introduced peter to ellie, and they were about to leave, peter said he didn’t know wade had a daughter, and wade said, i’d do anything to keep her safe


	937. Chapter 937

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love your blog! You’re not obligated to but i’d love if you write this Marriage proposal gone wrong in all ways possible but ends up just fine"

so wade’s been planning this for almost a year now, he’s got the ring, he’s got the plan, he’s made a million calls and spent almost as much just getting ready, and he’s got about 4 back up plans

plan A, a parade in times square, goes out the window when the weather turns shitty for an entire week

plan B didn’t pan out either, wade had paid an arm and a leg to get his own proposal shoved in at the end of the spongebob broadway musical for a night, except the lights had a wiring accident and the stage went up in flames

plan C melted before it arrived, wade had had a whole stage made out of ice shipped to the middle of town where a massive flash mob was supposed to perform

plan D was going great, a fancy dinner, and then a romantic patrol by the waterfront, ending on top of the brooklyn bridge, where a massive fireworks show was supposed to start, spelling “out marry me?”, except an alien space ship literally crashed into the middle of the bridge, causing a massive and colorful explosion and absolutely ruining the fireworks show

wade frantically threw together another proposal after the alien attack, he did not sleep that night, calling in favors and trading his soul for use of stark towers and one (1) retired iron man suit that wade is not allowed to get a single scratch on

wade even stole peter’s phone to add a reminder and scribbled something unreadable on their calendar that he could say peter missed, and he manages to get himself and peter over to the tower for the “after alien party”

they’re all giving toasts to peter, and then wade stand up last and starts giving peter this amazing speech about how they’ve been together for years, and how he wants to spend the rest of their lives together, and then to peter’s confusion, everybody shuffles him out to the landing deck, where an iron man suit falls out of the sky and lands in front of peter, the face plate opening to reveal the engagement ring, and wade says peter parker will you marry me

and peter says wait no

and wade is about to either literally shatter into a million pieces or swan dive off the platform, until peter pulls out his own engagement ring from his pocket, and says he was going to propose first


	938. Chapter 938

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Au where lady dead pool is not a mercenary, but is an avenger. She, and agent Parker are assigned to protect an alien life form, which goes to hell for they have opposing personalities. They are then forced to work together to prevent the alien from getting put in the wrong hands. It mostly went well, until the alien latched itself to agent parker"

peter parker is a shield agent, and tony’s godchild, which is the only reason he got into shield so young, that and every time he got grounded, may sent him over to the tower to work out with the avengers for a few days, peter got into a lot of trouble as a kid

wanda was being shunned by the other avengers for exploding the good kitchen, so they sent her over to shield to be their problem for a while, and she got sent on the next mission they had, which happened to be with peter

it was supposed to be a simple pickup and drop off, it was supposed to be low risk, and then the alien got out, peter and wanda kept tripping each other up because they refused to work together, like they just can’t stand each other

an uneasy truce is made when people start showing up looking for venom, neither of them are willing to tell fury just yet what happened, so they try to get venom back in one piece first, beg forgiveness later

and as it turns out, they actually work pretty well together, peter’s just as good a sniper as wanda is, and peter’s actually pretty tough, wanda threw him at somebody so she should know

and since they didn’t really have anything to carry it in, they kind of scooped venom into a lunch bag, and they were just about to make a report when the alien woke up again and exploded out of the bag, latching onto peter, neither of them could get venom off, so wanda called in an emergency evac

peter didn’t remember a lot more than hazmat suits and feeling very sticky, but when he woke back up again, venom free, wanda told him about how his skin turned into black oil and he had claws and giant teeth and he almost broke the hulk proof room


	939. Chapter 939

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "pete has severe body dysmorphia that stemed from his transformation when he got his powers(hes half spider now) and he hates his body a lot and standing next to people like wade and people like wade makes it so much worse because he couldve looked like that, but he doesnt hes a freak"

peter looks particularly fuzzy, he’s got sensitive hairs covering his body, far too many eyes, a mouth that opens in six parts, and two extra retractable pseudo arms, peter does his best to cover it all up, a mask with two large eyes, never taking off his suit, and he’d rather get hurt than use his extra arms

peter’s always wearing his suit, he taps out as soon as he notices a tear, and only ever shows up at night, when there’s less people out

he respects wade’s own hang ups about taking off his suit, but peter’s seen the scars on his face when he lifts up his mask a little, and he knows it’s a stupid and selfish thing to think, but he’s jealous of wade, wade’s still all human, and no matter how twisted his body gets, he still goes back to normal every time, and peter just hates standing next to wade and thinking that could have been him


	940. Chapter 940

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, extra spidery, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "omg pleeeaaaase give us some more of extra-spidery peter with body dysmorphia being jealous of wade! what happens if wade finds out about peters extra arms? and what if peter tells wade hes jealous of him for how he looks???"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “ More about Peter having the severe body dysmorphia but from Wade’s perspective? Possibly him thinking that Spidey is secretly like a model or something and his reaction when he finds out that’s not the case? (Just a suggestion)’
> 
> Ask from [helloiampac](https://helloiampac.tumblr.com), “Please continue the body dysmorphia au! <3″
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), “Can you continue the one where Peter doesn’t like his spider body? but wade finds out and is even more in Love with Peter then before! Please!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Can you please do a part 2 of extra spidery peter please”

wade knows peter’s just as bad as he is about the suit thing, but he’s gotten a glimpse of peter’s skin before, and he just looks…. normal, so it’s gotta be an identity thing, he gets all these ideas in his head about peter being somebody famous, like a movie star or a model or something that fits how cool spiderman is

so when peter’s costume gets melted onto his face, it’s a little upsetting to say the least, peter’s screaming with his mouth breaking apart and flexing, and he’s clawing at little black unblinking eyes scattered around his face, and to be honest it’s not as bad as some of the other xmen he’s known, but again the screaming thing is pretty freaky

peter can’t see so wade shoves one of his own masks over peter’s mangled face and takes him back to his place, he actually has to fight peter to get the deadpool mask back off his face so they can take care of the burns

wade tries telling him it’s ok, he’s got his own camera problems too, and takes off his own mask to make peter feel more comfortable, but peter is panicking and hurt and angry, and he tells wade that he doesn’t understand what it’s like not even being seen as human, at least wade is still whole, and wade just, walks out of his own house

peter calms down enough to clean his face and dress what wounds he can, but wade doesn’t show up at all that week, and peter starts to feel bad, he keeps replaying the whole thing over in his head again and again, and man that was such a dick thing to say, after all, you can’t compare tragedies

so peter does the only thing he can think of to get wade’s attention, wherever he is, he made a deadpool costume and went around impersonating him, it took exactly two days before wade tackled him to the ground out of nowhere, it was a pretty awkward apology, but wade told him not to worry about it, sometimes you say stupid things when your face is melting

as a sort of tentative truce, they both started wearing their masks less while at wade’s house, and peter went absolutely red when wade told him the fluffy fur on his face was cute


	941. Chapter 941

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, fem!peter parker, child abuse, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [kira-hayashi](http://kira-hayashi.tumblr.com/), "I thought about something with a Fem!Peter (I call her Penny). Penny gets pregnant from a one night stand and gets a boy she calls Ben. Shortly after the birth, like only some months, the thing with Doc Oc and Superior Spiderman happens. But Otto fucks Pennys life completely over. Since he knows who the child's father is (through penny's memories) he experiments on the child and people find out and Ben gets taken away. It’s huge in the media and Penny is the most hated women in NY, even May doesn’t talk to her anymore. Penny gets her body back and breaks down because Otto destroyed her life and she can’t fix it because it would mean revealing her secret identity and even the Avengers doesn’t believe Spider-women(or girl) that she wasn’t herself and was controlled. She even goes so far and tries to kill herself but she fails. The Kingpin then knows of her situation and gives her a deal. He’ll get her her son back and a new identity but in return she has to leave the city and gives up Spider-women/girl. She agrees. After some time the Avengers notice that spiderwomen/girl is gone and they sent Deadpool to find her. He does and confronts her. Penny tells him everything and Wade believes her and decides to stay with her. Because Ben is his child"

penny’s just so tired of everything, she’s lost her life and her child and her will to live, and there’s nothing she can do to change it, the only thing she has left is spiderwoman, and even that’s been ruined

so when she gets the offer, she doesn’t even hesitate, she takes her son and leaves to start over, new york is a different place without its homegrown hero, everyone takes notice, crime goes up and people start asking questions that no one can answer

even the avengers are doing their own investigation, when they can’t turn anything up, the call in wade wilson, not exactly their favorite person, but he’s the only chance they’ve got left

it takes months, but eventually wade tracks down her apartment in chicago and stakes the place out, he almost feels bad just being there, because he’d never seen penny smile like that before, she just looked so relaxed for the first time in her life, in fact she’s not doing anything except taking care of her son and working a normal job

but wade got paid to find spiderwoman, so he broke into her place and waited for her to come home, when penny came home with ben, she almost took off wade’s head, not realizing who he was

wade also had his own reasons for looking for penny, so he let her explain her side of the story, but she never expected wade to believe her, no one else has

penny told him almost everything, about otto, what happened to ben, getting back in her own body, the suicide attempt, and taking up the kingpin on his offer, and that she’s never going back, and he doesn’t ask her to, just said he was getting paid to make sure she was alive, and then he left

the avengers threw a fit when all they could get out of him was that she was alive and well, and penny wasn’t sure what to make of wade visiting every other week to help out, but it was nice to have somebody talk to again, hell it was nice to hear somebody say they believed her

wade doesn’t actually realize ben is his kid until ben gets ahold of a knife he found on the floor and took a chunk out of his hand, and then wade watched ben’s hand heal back up in seconds as he washed the blood off, penny refused to say either way, but they both knew

wade doesn’t leave every other week now, he sometimes disappears for months, but when he shows back up, he stays, he’s been teaching ben sign language before he can even talk, and while penny was at work, wade recorded ben taking his first steps unaided

wade and penny had a fight when she found out he’d been sneaking money into her account, penny compromised by putting the money into a college fund for ben

for the most part, wade hangs up his weapons to stay with the two of them, and penny’s honestly happy, after everything that happened, she still picked her life back up and made something for herself


	942. Chapter 942

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, fem!peter parker, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Do you maybe have something more about that one with female!Peter who has a son and lives in Chicago after Octavius ruined her life and Deadpool finds her and stays because the child is his?"

penny’s kind of a helicopter parent as ben gets older, she’s always worried that somebody’s going to find out about his powers and take him, or worse, find out he’s the son of spiderwoman, of course penny never told ben about all the shit that went down when he was a baby, she doesn’t want to scare him, she never even told him she had powers too

ben’s got big dreams about becoming a superhero, penny keeps trying to get him excited about being something normal like a doctor, or a lawyer, or literally anything other than a superhero, wade’s the one that has to mediate when penny and ben get into fights about it

wade’s the one who suggests letting him attend xavier’s, penny flat out refuses at first, do you know how many kids die in that school wade? a hell of a lot more than a normal school, that’s for sure

but wade talks her around, reminds her that she started out at ben’s age, and if nothing could stop her back then, what do you think ben’s gonna do when we tell him no

penny packs about twelve different tasers in ben’s suitcase even though he’s got super strength, and tells him to stay out of trouble, and if he runs into any ninjas just run away, oh and also make friends have fun and call home at least once a week

ben’s buzzing out of his seat the whole way, wade even put on his costume, the deadpool one his mom doesn’t like to tell him about, there’s a couple of things he doesn’t dwell on right away, like how wade told him to pretend they don’t know each other, and how he shouldn’t show anybody a picture of his mom, and the rule that he wasn’t allowed to leave the grounds without an adult, and the fact that his mom gave him what looked like a pair of hearing aids because “there’s too many damn psychics on that campus”

ben’s excitement wanes pretty quick when he actually starts gym classes, because he has to work for it now, he’s worn out even with super stamina and just about every kid there can kick his ass since he’s never learned to fight before, he finally understands why everybody always hated gym class

he also finds out some things about wade he wasn’t expecting to, a lot of the staff at xavier’s straight up hate his guts, one time when wade was on the campus grounds, he got stabbed and had to limp away, ben called penny that night and cried when he told her what happened, penny tells him that wade’s had a difficult life, and before she met him he’d done a lot of things that he’s ashamed of, but that’s not important, because they both knew wade now, and he’s a good person now, and he’d never done anything to prove otherwise in the time she’s known him

ben really does think about going back home, especially after his dorm room got blow up while he was in class one time, superheros don’t live peaceful lives, but they also got to exist as they are, crawling on walls and super strength and weird healing factors all out in the open kind of existing, and that’s something he wants more than he is scared, so he stays

wade digs out his old motorcycle from the storage unit he left in nyc and takes ben around to all his and penny’s old spots, and more importantly to see may, it takes a lot of explanations and half truths on wade’s end to work that out, but he does, and may cries when she sees ben for the first time, because “you look just like your mother”


	943. Chapter 943

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, polyship, no powers au, domestic au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [butchs-tunnelsnake](http://butchs-tunnelsnake.tumblr.com/), "Wade and Peter dated, but Wade got pulled into war due to being in the marines and basically tells Peter he doesn’t think he’ll be coming back and he drops the relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt him more. They’re both really wrecked from it, and as the years go by without Wade, after constant mourning and such, Peter finally moves on. Turns out Wade made it back fine, only with some bullet-holes, scars, burns and some slight PTSD, but he’s desperate to find his Peter. But he figures he’s probably moved on, and kinda drowns in sorrow and doesn’t know how to get over him. In attempt to get back on his feet again, Wade takes on a job as security at the Oscorp building, ironically enough, where Peter happens to work. Peter is visited by (girlfriend) Gwen to have lunch, and he goes to use the bathroom and he runs into Wade who went to do the same. The two bump into each other at the door and pause to apologize when they realize who they’re staring at.
> 
> (This is kinda an idea I have for a fic, but I’m curious what your take would be on it!)"

peter’s already mourned wade, five years with no news was enough, so he moved on, he met gwen at work, well he finally said yes to that coffee date she asked him on a while back, and they hit it off and started dating, they’ve been together for almost two years now, and peter’s happy

wade made it out alive, to everybody’s suprise, he got a bullet in his head and a burning building fell on him, but he still made it, and then he went home, and it was fucking awful, he didn’t exactly have anybody waiting for him, hell he didn’t have a home to go back to, he had to get an apartment

the first thing on his mind was peter, but it’s been years, and honestly wade’s terrified that peter’s moved on, like he told him to, he waits almost a year before he gathers up enough courage and therapy hours to finally pick up the phone and call peter’s number, just to find out peter has a different number now

wade goes into a depressive spiral, and his therapist tells him to stop wallowing in his own misery and go out and do something, get a job, adopt a dog, volunteer at a soup kitchen, something to get him out of the house, so wade scrapes together a resume and lands a job at the third place he applies at, oscorp

not even two days in, wade and peter run into each other by the bathrooms, wade doesn’t know what to do and peter goes white as a sheet, it’s a long awkward silence

wade’s mouth is bone dry, but he croaks out so how have you been, and peter gets louder the longer he talks until he’s screaming at wade, because what the actual literal fuck, you’re supposed to be dead, i thought you were dead, you said you weren’t coming back, what the fuck, i told my aunt you were dead

it’s not great, peter storms off soon after and wade almost quits, because he just faced his worst nightmare and he’s not looking forward to doing it again every day, but another part of him, the stupid one that was happy just to see peter, tells him to just try another day, just one more day

later that week peter finds him again, and he’s not screaming, which is an improvement, he apologizes to wade, and they both end up crying and hugging halfway through, and wade’s got that little flicker of hope back, and peter squashes it when he takes a ring out of his pocket and hands it to wade, says he’s been holding onto it all these years, just in case

and wade’s thinking this is so much worse than the yelling, it’s the ring he used to propose to peter before he left, he tried to give it back, saying it was a gift, but peter just shook his head, said he had a girlfriend now, and it’s wade’s ring after all

wade goes straight to his therapist after work that day, when he told her everything she said, “well, fuck”, so that’s how wade knew it was bad, and then she asked him what he was going to do, and honestly he had no fucking clue, he spent five years facing death and the only thing that kept him going was peter, and now, well now he’s got nothing

she asks him if he’s going to quit his job, and to his surprise, he doesn’t want to, so he says no, and the next day he goes back to work

peter invites him to lunch with him and gwen, gwen is absolutely perfect, and she and peter are so happy together, and wade can’t even hate gwen because she’s so nice, peter already gave her some background, and she told wade she was happy he came back and that he and peter were still good friends

wade’s not exactly sure what peter told her, but it sure as hell didn’t feel like they were still friends, but after that peter started grabbing him for lunch, sometimes gwen had a different break so it was just the two of them

peter and gwen always dragged wade along to trivia night at their favorite bar on fridays, when gwen broke her leg, wade stole an extra pair of keys from the janitors office so she wouldn’t have to keep calling people just to open the elevator for her

wade was the best man at the wedding, and when gwen got pregnant, he started hovering more than even peter, who was already a massive worrier, she started sending them on errands just so she could get a break

gwen kicked them both out of the delivery room when she was giving birth, peter couldn’t hold it anymore and told wade they were naming their kid wade benjamin parker, wade was still ugly crying by the time gwen gave birth and let them hold the baby

wade was the godfather, obviously, and when gwen had to fly back home for a month to take care of her parents when her mom got emergency surgery, wade stayed at the house with peter and baby wade, which was a relief because peter was amazingly bad at remembering when he has to feed his own kid, almost as bad as he was at remembering to feed himself

when gwen got back she thanked wade for keeping her boys alive, peter and wade threw gwen a party when she went back to work, they had to smudge out part of the frosting because wade had acidentally thrown in a fuck when he was telling the bakery what to write on the cake, peter still won’t let him live it down

when wade’s apartment burnt down, gwen and peter moved him into their guest bedroom, gwen keeps telling wade not to spoil her fucking kid, and wade tells her not to swear in front of the baby, wade actually baked an i told you so cake when baby wade’s first word was fuck, peter couldn’t stop laughing every time the baby swore and gwen threatened to smother him in his sleep

one day, gwen and peter took wade aside and gave him a ring, one that matched their wedding rings, because he’s an important part of their family and they want him to stick around for a long time, and after everything that happened, peter really doesn’t want to lose him again


	944. Chapter 944

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [howlnground](http://howlnground.tumblr.com/), "So Spidey hits his head or something and now he can hear yellow and white, too- and he shuts them down real quick. Like if they dare say something about Wade he'll stop what he's doing and go off™ They were cuddling and then they got loud and Spidey just went "can yall shut the fuck up, we're trying to kiss. Thanks." AND THEY DO! Like if Wade's by himself they talk shit but as soon as Peter shows up the quite bc they know they'll get snapped at. And Wade's just like '?????is this a dream?????'"

peter gets caught in the crossfire of loki and enchantress’ latest pettiness and wakes up half an hour later with the ability to read minds if he focuses hard enough, it’s super disorienting and he spends the first two days thinking his super hearing was on the fritz

it kinda clicked for peter when he was just hanging out at wade’s and wade started making a lot of sense, well a lot more than he usually did, and without really thinking, peter joined in the conversation, and wade just started staring at him

wade gets real paranoid about the whole thing at first, he and the boxes keep singing row row row your boat in rounds, and it drives peter a little crazy until he convinces wade to knock it off

peter’s got a bone to pick with yellow and white, every time he wants to just talk with wade, they start butting in and making it hard to focus because they just keep dragging wade through the mud, and he’s had e-fucking-nough of this, so the next time they try to start shit, peter snaps at them to shut up already, and maybe it’s just the fact that neither of them have been yelled at by anybody but wade before, but they do

wade’s completely dazzled by peter’s newfound ability, he most definitely sticks around peter more often because peter’s the only one that can get his head quiet for a good while, and peter just gets really concerned about the shit white and yellow keep feeding wade, so he starts sending wade links to basically websites that help your self esteem, and how to stop negative thinking, and when wade’s having a particular problem, peter will sit down with him and explain in detail why his boxes are fucking stupid and factually wrong, and pretty soon the boxes shut up a lot more even when peter isn’t around, it’s kind of amazing


	945. Chapter 945

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, character death, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "“One of us has to live to tell this story, and I’m a horrible story teller.” I’ve just had this idea stuck in my head where two people who are in a relationship are always together and telling/creating stories together, except one of them really sucks at it and usually let’s the other tell all of the story. Then while on one of their badass adventures the person who suck at telling stories gets hurt/stuck and tells the other to just leave them by saying this."

it starts when ellie asks peter to tell her a story about her dad, wade never tells her the truth about what he does, but she’s not stupid, so peter thinks whats the harm, and he tells her about the time his webshooter exploded and got him and wade stuck together for a whole day

they were both laughing themselves silly by the time peter finished, wade finds out when he catches ellie reenacting the time he rode a dinosaur, and he was actually going to go find peter and yell at him, but ellie thinks he’s cool now and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing

ellie tried to get wade to tell her bedtime stories, but wade doesn’t do the voices like peter does, and he always skips over everything interesting and makes up the ending, so peter is definitely ellie’s favorite story teller

wade’s a little hurt that ellie likes peter’s stories better, and then wade sits down with ellie and peter to listen, and fuck she’s right, peter is great at this, it becomes one of wade’s favorite things to do too, whenever they’re with other heroes and vigilantes, wade always makes peter tell the story, because he does it so much better

and then one mission they’re on goes to shit, some mad scientist invented a serum that halts wade’s healing factor, and he wasn’t doing so good, peter was trying to drag him along as they tried to escape the labyrinth of a laboratory, but then peter got hurt bad, the attack dogs ripped a chunk out of his thigh, and when he tried to carry wade again, he collapsed

wade told him he would be fine, just leave, besides, somebody needs to go home and tell ellie he went down facing an army single handedly, but peter keep dragging him towards the stairwell, saying he could tell ellie himself

wade pushed peter over the stairwell, he just barely caught himself before he hit the floor, and by then it was too late to go back


	946. Chapter 946

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "Need more of the story teller one!!"

peter makes it out alive, wade not so much, he goes back later, after the place has been destroyed, maybe it’s out of some morbid sentiment or something, but peter takes home wade’s skull

peter adopts ellie, makes sure she isn’t alone, and he tells her stories about her dad, how he went down saving peter’s life, the time he caught peter’s apartment on fire while trying to heat up a poptart, the first time he met wade, and wade’s skull sat on the shelf in peter’s study on top of a bunch of childcare books peter bought

peter’s not so great at this whole parent thing, but aunt may is a blessing, she teaches him to be patient, cook vegtables into the macaroni, and buy clothes for a little girl

when ellie gets in trouble at school for defending herself, peter doesn’t know what to do and calls may, may marches down to the principal and gives the staff hell until they let ellie go scott free

and when peter’s so dead on his feet from being a superhero, working two part time jobs and taking care of an eight year old, may takes ellie to the park so peter can get a full four hours of sleep for once

ellie starts drawing the stories peter tells her, she makes her own comic books about deadpool, and his sidekick, ellie, she’s got her own costume figured out and she can fly and shoot lasers out of her eyes, sometimes spiderman shows up in her comics too, peter’s flattered, the fridge is covered in super hero drawings

one day ellie comes running into the kitchen where peter’s peeling potatoes on the cieling, and peter hops down as ellie excitedy shoves wade’s skull in his face, and there’s a patch of whitish goop growing in lines across the inside of teh eye socket, and ellie asks if he thinks wade’s growing back

peter doesn’t want to get anybody’s hopes up so he gets out his microscope and checks it out three times just to be sure, because he’s seeing tissues regrowing

they’re not really sure how to help the growth, so they put the skull in the bathtub and try watering him every once in a while because maybe it will help? ellie once tried soaking wade’s skull in jam because she thought he needed to eat more somehow, it was awful cleaning strawberry seeds out of wade’s teeth, and it didn’t help

it took almost two full years for wade’s body to grow back enough for him to regain consciousness, but when he did peter and ellie were right by his side, hugging him so tight his fragile ribs started snapping again

so now when peter tells ellie her favorite story, there’s a happy ending


	947. Chapter 947

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Jameson orders Parker to get him pictures of "that upstart menace wannabe, 'Deadpool.'""

it’s the first peter’s heard about him actually, jameson throws peter a pitifully small file with a grainy picture of what looks like an incredibly buff spiderman with a sword, peter immediately hates the guy

the feeling’s only reinforced when he has to stay up way too late wandering around dark alleys just to run into deadpool and not be able to take any pictures, he’s freakishly good at avoiding peter’s camera, and he’s not looking forward to jj yelling at him again for not getting anything good enough to print

so peter gets really fed up and he starts staking out deadpool, following him where he can, he’s totally hit stalker status when wade realizes he’s being followed and immediately tries to kill peter, because he’s deadpool and he doesn’t get benign stalkers

so peter’s running for his life through the streets of nyc at night, desperately trying to not use his powers or break his very fucking expensive camera, and when wade finally corners peter, he’s actually pretty damn confused, because dude looks like a kid, no guns, no gear, no nothing

so asks peter who he is, and peter pulls out his daily bugle badge, and wade actually starts laughing, because he’s never been hounded by reporters before, he’s pretty forgiving about the whole thing, all things considered, and sends peter on his way with some very…. interesting pictures, peter wasn’t sure if giving jj pictures of wade doing the single ladies dance was better or worse than nothing


	948. Chapter 948

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I really REALLY like the latest one where peter photographs Deadpool!! Can we have a continuation of that where Deadpool then becomes friends with peter around the same time he meets Spider-Man?"

so peter ends up needing a lot of pictures of deadpool, since he’s actually doing things that are illegal, and things that are just like really not good but not technically illegal, which makes the papers sell like crazy, jameson’s finally open to making that online subscription for the daily bugle

deadpool is… odd, he’s not doing anything that peter has a major problem with right now at least, he’s actually pretty helpful to peter, he always poses when peter points his camera, and wade’s an absolute ham in front of the camera

when peter puts on his spider suit and swings around new york, he’s got a big problem with wade, he’s been fucking up peter’s city and riling up peter’s baddies, and just generally causing mayhem, he’s also on a shit ton of drugs if the recent activity is anything to go by, so yeah spiderman has a problem with deadpool

and most infuriating of all, is when peter goes to confront the guy and tell him to get the hell out of new york, wade just wrapped him up in a big hug and started talking about how they had the same photographer, and how much he liked peter’s suit and the way he kicked people in the face

which totally threw peter off, because what

wade shows up a lot when peter’s swinging around fighting crime, at first it’s just an annoyance, but then he realizes something, wade’s been listening, like peter has to follow the guy around in his spare time for work, and he’s been getting into less trouble and stopping more crime, even if a lot of the times he ends up not doing so great or robbing the robbers, but peter can see that he’s honestly trying

and so peter changes spiderman’s attitude towards wade, and peter almost regrets it because wade wrote them a “team up song” and it got annoying after the first three times he had to hear it, but peter doesn’t send him away because wade’s not a bad guy

and then wade does the unforgivable and steals his web joke in a team up, so peter retaliates by stealing wade’s swords, peter absolutely feels like a kid because he’s laughing his head off and running across rooftops as fast as he can while wade chases him down yelling something peter can’t hear unless he stops

wade just barely catches peter when peter shoots a web to swing away, he launches himself off the roof at peter and knocks them both out of the air and peter’s winded when wade lands on him on the next roof down

wade’s having a hard time wrestling his katana back from peter, even though he’s already sitting on his legs, so he pins peter’s arms to the roof and finally gets them back

and all at once the both of them realize what they’re doing, and wade can’t help but ask peter “is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me”, and it’s so stupid, but peter just blushes to his roots and throws wade off so he can run, because wade absolutely noticed


	949. Chapter 949

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "I have a Super need for a continuation of Peter taking Deadpool's photo! I love how Peter ran away after DP got his katanas back. Lol"

peter’s been avoiding wade as much as humanly possible, which works when he’s able to swing away, but when he’s peter parker he still has to take pictures of wade, and wade’s taken an interest in peter, he’s decided that peter parker is the resident spiderman expert

so peter spends most of his afternoons running around new york based on police scanner incidents, and answers wade’s inane questions, it’s always stupid questions like “does spiderman actually like red and blue or is it just the costume” and “does spiderman like chipotle or taco bell more”

and peter warns him a lot of the time that he doesn’t actually know any of this shit, even if he gives the right answer, because he doesn’t actually talk to spiderman, and wade just says yeah i know, but you pick up a lot about people when you stalk them, and peter gets all defensive and goes i’m not a stalker, and wade laughs because peter’s basically been the guy’s personal paparazzi for the last six years

and then wade finally catches spidey by surprise after he’s done cocooning some would be kidnappers to a light post at one of his usual drop off spots, and he’s got mexican from that one food truck that’s clear across town that’s peter’s absolute favorite, and suddenly he gets why wade’s been asking all those questions about him, he was trying to impress him

so peter plays along, and he says wow how did you know this is my favorite, and wade just slaps that smug grin on his face and says lucky guess, so peter sits down on the edge of a roof and wade joins him and they eat while trying to balance on the edge of a roof while playing footsie, and wade only falls twice, and peter catches him both times

but after the second time, peter kind of mashed his burrito into his face when he reached out to catch wade, once wade crawled back up and laughed at peter, he wiped sour cream off peter’s cheek and licked his thumb, and then he rambled off a goodbye and disappeared down the fire escape

which left peter still sitting there, frozen, red, and caught between how unsanitary that was and how he didn’t actually think that would be a turn on in real life


	950. Chapter 950

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

so peter’s head of parker industries, and while peter has never interacted with wade, spiderman and wade are great friends

so one day peter’s just driving to work, and behind him there’s an explosion, and when he turns around, he sees wade running for dear life and being chased by a bunch of people with guns

so peter, without really thinking, pulls over, kicks his door open, and yells at wade to get in, anything is better than getting caught, so wade dives in and slams the door shut as peter peeled out

peter drives like a fucking maniac, mostly because this is the most fun he’s ever had before 6am, but also because now there’s people shooting at them

when peter pulls into the parker industries parking garage, wade hops out, thanks him for the ride, and disappears, and peter’s a little sad to see him go, he hasn’t been able to see wade as much ever since the company really took off, and he’s still trying to figure out how to give wade the motorcycle he made for him months ago, it was supposed to be a birthday present

the next day peter parks his car in the parking garage, and wade’s there as soon as he gets out, he’s got takeout as a thanks for yesterday, and peter tells him to bring it with him and just follow him inside

as they’re waved through all the security, albeit with some looks, wade starts asking peter if he’s allowed to do that, i mean, he’s got so many guns right now, so many, peter just chuckles and says oh i don’t think the boss will mind

when they get to peter’s office, his secretary reminds him about the 3:00 meeting and tells him that yesterday’s flooding problem has been dealt with, and wade kinda goes ooooh shit you’re him, and then wade asks him why the hell he’s driving around in an suv, and peter says he tried the whole limo thing for a week, but they don’t fit in the drive thoroughs

and after they eat, wade’s honestly not sure why he’s up here, having crappy takeout with some millionaire that saved him yesterday for no reason, but peter’s way ahead of him, because he’s already taking wade down to the testing area to show him his “gift”, apparently wade knew a friend of peter’s that asked a favor, and holy shit the bike is amazing, even if weasel was the reason he got this, he’d still plant one on him right now


	951. Chapter 951

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "can you continue the millionaire peter one where he's ceo of parker industries and makes wade a bike and stuff? thanks love your blog!"
> 
> Ask from [badwitcnl](https://badwitcnl.tumblr.com), "so, i know you just posted that identity porn au whete ceo peter is friends with wade as spiderman and stuff, but please can we have more? so wade thinks that weasel is the friend that made him earn that bike? lmao what happens then? does he go to weasel to thank him? when he’s gonna realize that was spidey the friend?”

wade spends a two week long hunt after weasel tells him that he hasn’t talked to parker since high school, it’s over pretty fast since the list of people that would go out of their way to do something nice for wade was laughably short

eventually he gives up and just tries to go to the source, he sits down in the passenger seat of peter’s suv while he’s stopped at a red light on his way to work in the morning, instead of screaming peter just says morning and keeps driving after wade shuts the door

but no matter how much wade asks, peter won’t say a word, peter tells him there’s nothing he can say to make peter talk, which is obviously a challenge, but wade’s not looking forward to the beat down he’d get from spidey if he forced it out of peter, so wade decided to annoy him into compliance

so peter spent the whole day being followed by wade singing and just nonstop talking, lucky for peter, he’s had a lot of practice tuning wade out, eventually he takes pity on wade and takes him to the testing range and has him test out the new security drones, the other lab coats behind the glass made increasingly distressed faces every time wade killed another drone

the next day wade was already in peter’s car when he started it that morning, but instead of driving them to the office, peter drove them to an airport and ended up in japan for a conference, after which peter and wade walked around downtown trying foods and taking pictures together

next week wade climbed in peter’s 24th story office window and peter told him he had perfect timing, also don’t climb the walls unless you want to get shot, just use the front entrance since you’re already in the system, peter had made wade a new suit, and it has so many buttons and gadgets, and it’s so light and breathable while still being bulletproof

and wade’s so excited he says i swear i could kiss you right now and next thing he knows his mask is rolled up to his nose and peter parker, ceo of parker industries and lately not such a bad guy is kissing him and hot damn he’s not that bad at this either

one fuck on peter’s desk and three days later, wade’s voicing his concerns about his relationship with peter parker to his best bud, spiderman, who is desperately trying to get out of this conversation with his sanity intact


	952. Chapter 952

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, angst, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "Millionaire Peter AU is golden! He’s also a dork and will ultimately screw up by saying something that only Peter knows as Spidey. Rather than connect the dots, Wade will think Petey has been talking about him to Spidey. Cue angst or fluff, just flip a coin hun. *hug* And thanks so much for writing!"
> 
> Ask from [Ineedjesusorcocainewhateverworks ](https://ineedjesusorcocainewhateverworks.tumblr.com), "OML please continue the ceo peter au please? It’s so good! thank you! :D”

wade was showing off his cool new toys to weasel, when weasel started laughing and said wade as peter’s sugar baby, and wade went to say no i’m not, but then weasel asked didn’t you fuck him after he gave you the suit, and wade stormed out

after wade spent some time beating the shit out of some assholes he’d found robbing a 7/11 and thinking about his life, he decided maybe having a sugar daddy wasn’t so bad

he’d been avoiding peter for a while, so it was no surprise when spidey called him up to say that his boss wanted to see him, he finally used the front entrance this time

wade’s accepted it and gone full in, last week he was about to go steal a plane from shield or stark, but instead he dropped by peter’s house and asked for a jet, and peter actually said sure, what color, because he would do literally anything for a friend

yesterday wade mentioned he’s never actually been to disney land, and the next day they’re getting driven around epcot with a giant bag of stuffed animals that wade won at the carnival games and drinking an obscene number of tropical magaritas

they were on the mexican version of the it’s a small world ride when the lights went off and the ride stopped moving, the voice on the speaker said it would take about half an hour to get things moving again

wade got bored so fast, he started rambling, and mentioned something about peter being his sugar daddy, peter asks him to explain that bit and gets all hurt when he realizes wade didn’t think they had an actual relationship and was getting used for sex, he got upset enough to hop out of the tiny boat and wade his way out of the ride with wade yelling after him, it’s very easy to lose somebody at disney world if you’re not careful


	953. Chapter 953

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/), "You and your cliff hangers, Sugar Daddy Peter needs it's happy ending!"
> 
> Ask from [ineedjesusorcocainewhateverworks ](https://ineedjesusorcocainewhateverworks.tumblr.com), "You and your cliff hangers, Sugar Daddy Peter needs it's happy ending!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “AHHH MORE peter! sugar daddy au please!!!! Does wade confront Peter after he leaves him at disney?!?!”

wade found peter tucked away in the canada pavilion, drowning his sorrows in popcorn and crown royal maple whiskey, at least peter wasn’t mad anymore, since when wade sat down next to him, he didn’t take off again

wade starts thinking he really pegged this guy wrong when they first met when peter starts apologizing before wade can, say he should have talked it over with wade from the start, so wade says alright, so what now, and peter asks if they can try again, but like for a real relationship this time

and wade leans over to kiss him and he tastes like maple, he steals peter’s drink because hot damn that’s actually really good

they sit there and just talk, eating popcorn and downing so much alcohol that they have to wait until the workers change shifts before they can get more, peter gets tipsy, so wade caries him back to the cart they rented

they stop by the toy store in the japan pavilion next and peter buys a ton of pokemon stuffed animals for the kids there, and watch

the fireworks show starts up and they walk outside to watch it, wade takes a chance and grabs peter’s hand and peter smiles at him in a way that makes wade’s guts feel all mushy, he starts thinking this was easier when he though he was a sugar baby


	954. Chapter 954

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [crying-mascara](https://crying-mascara.tumblr.com/), "Can we please have more CEO!Peter Parker au? How does Wade find out that Peter is Spiderman???"

so now that they have had A Talk like Adults, peter decides that he wants to go a step forward and tell wade that he’s spiderman, he has wade come up and he pulls up the mask, and wade gasped and asked, “you’re a clone!?”

which, not the way peter wanted it to go, so he had to explain that no, not a clone this time, i don’t think, and wade wants to be mad, he really does, it would have saved him so much time if he’d known that spidey and peter were the same person, but he also shot the guy so…

it takes a bit of getting used to, peter still slips up and tries to make excuses for himself until wade reminds him that he already knows, and wade finds himself about to tell spidey about everything and has to realize he already knows, so it would be kinda stupid to repeat it, it’s a bit like he’s lost his best friend and it’s not a nice thing

peter keeps trying to make things better, but wade just needs some time, he’s overwhelmed, so he takes a job on another continent and leaves, leaving a note on his door in case peter wanders by, and when peter does, he’s fucking furious, he tracks down wade in the philippines and helicopters his ass out of danger so he can be mad at wade, because what the actual fuck man

relationships aren’t easy, and peter and wade both know they’re human “projects”, but every time, they put their differences aside and yell until the other gets why they’re mad, it’s unconventional, but peter’s therapist keeps telling him that the fact they’re communicating is more important, so maybe it doesn’t matter how weird everything is as long as they’re there for each other in the end


	955. Chapter 955

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, skating au, no powers au

wade was at the top of his game, a world renowned figure skater with three olympic gold medals, and he lost it all in a night, a fire burned down his house, and when wade went back to save his daughter, just a baby at the time, he got crushed under a falling beam, he survived, but he walked with a limp and still had to recover from full body burns

wade ended up taking a job teaching kids to skate at a rink in town, ellie’s in his class, she makes him so proud, she’s always talking about how she wants to be a skater like her dad

she’s got posters of him in her room, when he was younger, he hates it, it’s like they’re taunting him, everything he lost shoved back in his face every day

one day when he was coming in before class started, he opened the door to a crowd of press, he immediately ran back to his car to get a hoodie and slipped inside, he was relieved to find out they were all focused on the guy on the ice instead of him, and then he realized ellie was out there too

ellie was screaming with joy while peter picked her up and spun her around as he skated, when she caught sight of her dad, she pulled peter over to introduce him to wade, and when peter skated up to wade, his eyes got wide and he said, the wade wilson

and wade walked away, away from the press, away from the rink, and away from peter

but of course it wasn’t going to be that easy, peter started showing up at the rink every day, which meant wade had to work around him, and try his best to ignore peter as he chattered away endlessly, but he couldn’t tell him off either because ellie thought peter was the greatest thing since body glitter

wade went back late one night to find ellie’s skate guards that she accidentally lost again, it was almost closing time, but peter was still on the ice, earbuds in as he skated in lazy circles

wade watched him speed up and jump into a triple axel, and crash magnificently, wade winced sympathetically as peter slammed into the wall, rolled over, and yelled fuck

wade hopped over the barrier and walked over to peter, helping him up, and, against his better judgement, giving peter pointers, soon it was three hours later than either of them should have been there and wade and peter both cheered as peter stuck a perfect landing

wade stopped ignoring peter during his classes, in fact, sometimes he has his class watch peter fuck up so he can tell them what not to do, he thinks it’s hilarious, peter doesn’t

one night when wade was about to head home with ellie, peter stopped him and asked if he could take a look at peter’s routine, ellie said yes before he could say no

ellie set up the speaker system for peter, and peter got ready, wade was reluctantly impressed, no he was mesmerized, peter wasn’t as well trained as he could be, but just the artistry with which he moved and the sheer passion with which he skated was incredible

ellie’s clapping roused him from his trance, and wade came back to earth, when peter skated over, wade gave him some advice, and told him that he should change the middle step sequence to a beillmann spin, to which peter said he couldn’t do that yet, wade told him they’d have to work on it then, and peter and ellie both got the biggest smiles on their faces as wade realized what he’d just agreed to


	956. Chapter 956

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, skating au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "It’s probably too early, but I really loved the figure skater Drabble and were wondering if you could write more?❤️"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), “More ice skating! Please!”

wade is a grueling coach, peter’s more exhausted than he’s ever been, wade’s been trying to get him to work on cardio more since he needs more stamina, he always flags on the last jump in his routine and wade wasn’t having that, peter thought it was weird that wade could be a perfectionist on the ice, because everything else he did was anything but

this was kind of peter’s dream come true, he’d moved back to new york to be near his aunt after his last coach died in a car crash, it hit peter pretty hard since they’d been close, but imagine his surprise when he found some random rink and skated right up to his hero, it had to be fate, right?

he wasn’t actually planning on asking wade to coach him, it was actually ellie’s plan, she insisted that her dad would give in, he always does when she asks nicely, and hey, it worked

peter’s been feeling better than he has in a long time, he got a reminder about why he started skating, because he loved the feeling of flying across the ice more than life itself, and he’d forgotten that in his focus on competitive skating, weird how it took a kid in a tutu to remind him about that


	957. Chapter 957

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade and peter are that annoying couple, well into their relationship, peter works as an instructor for shield and clint “supervises”, and sometimes wade still takes jobs when he gets the itch

it’s quite frankly horrifying for the students to see the spiderman and deadpool rubbing all over each other like a pair of horny teens, clint just shrugs and says they’ll get used to it


	958. Chapter 958

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Even though Peter almost always shaves, lady deadpool has a soft spot for stubble on her spider-nerd."

peter usually shaves everything since he hates the way his suit feels when he doesn’t, but there’s those occasional days where peter gets so caught up in a project that he forgets to shave

wanda can always tell when he’s a day late, because he starts scratching at his legs, and his stubble catches on her scars when they kiss, and if peter forgets to shave before he puts on the suit, there’s a lot more swearing when he’s fighting crime, she thinks it’s adorable


	959. Chapter 959

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dark, murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, ""With great power comes great responsibility." It's not a job Peter likes, but it's one he feels he has to do: taking murderers (and sometimes rapists) out of the world so they won't be freed by the system to prey on the innocent again. Maybe he would have chosen a different path if Uncle Ben's murder hadn't come so close on the heels of Aunt May's death... Wade, for his part, coudn't ask for a better unaliving partner than Spider-Man--though he can't believe poor Spidey still won't take a cut!"

peter and ben lost may to a heart attack, and peter couldn’t help but think that life is so unfair, she wasn’t even old enough to go like that, and then just a few short months later, ben was shot right in front of him, and being in the foster system didn’t do him any favors either

he got his powers soon after and dropped out of school after he ran away from his latest foster family, he wasn’t really sure what to do with himself, but he took his powers as a sign, peter earned money street fighting and made himself a suit, all black so he could blend in with the shadows, and then he started hunting down creeps and murders in back alleys

he got really good at what he did, so go that people started searching him out, tipping him off about the people that ruined their lives, and he served justice

he met wade when he killed one of wade’s marks before wade could, wade was all ready for a fight, but peter said he didn’t want any money and left wade the corpse, it happened quite a few times after that

wade started bringing snacks and takeout when he thought they might meet up, because peter’s been doing his job for him a lot, and he won’t even take any of the money when wade offers, so the least he can do is buy lunch, or a late dinner usually

purely on accident, wade found out spidey was homeless and offered up his place for the night, and the night after that, and the night after that, he always came up with an excuse for peter to stay another day, and peter started feeling bad for not paying rent, which made wade laugh because they were a pair of murderers and that’s what gets under his skin

wade just told him he could help wade sometimes, which more than makes up for rent, and peter reluctantly agreed, after all, he knows wade only goes after the kind of guys that spiderman hunts


	960. Chapter 960

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is a struggling photography major and gets a crush on Wade when he ends up in the background of his picture, so he's been going back to the spot for a month waiting"

whenever peter gets art block, he goes out and recreates the pictures he took with his aunt and uncle when he first started getting interested in photography as a kid, and one of those is right in front of what used to be ben’s favorite pizza place

now it’s a laundromat, so depending on what time peter’s there, he gets some interesting pictures, like the one he can’t get out of his head of this random buff guy holding a massive bag of laundry and arguing with an old woman

he’s exactly peter’s type and it’s pathetic how predictable he is, because of course he keeps going back to the same spot for almost two months trying to get another glimpse of the guy

he totally panics when he sees the guy again, but he does notice the guy drops a wallet, and peter takes too long debating if he should say something or not, and the man walks away, peter picks up the wallet after he’s gone, and then he looks inside because he’s got no self control apparently

and wade wilson had almost 2k in cash in his wallet, which was fucking crazy, but on the bright side peter had an excuse to keep the wallet until he saw wade again, and in the meantime he facebook stalked wade and learned way too much about him

wade was back in two days and peter forgot himself and yelled wade’s name, but it got him to stop, and wade was impressed that all his money was still there, and peter said haha yeah what am i gonna spend it on, half of next semester’s books, peter isn’t good with small talk

but that didn’t matter because wade offered to buy him lunch as thanks, and peter almost fell over himself saying yes he would very much like that thank you


	961. Chapter 961

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [that-one-fluff](https://that-one-fluff.tumblr.com/), "...Gemini!AU where your true feelings show in reflective surfaces, anything, and during a night patrol, Peter and Wade are in costume, they pass a shop and Wade catches Peter's reflection, but it's not Spider-Man, it's this scrawny kid in his early 20s, and Wade's like holy shit, Spidey?? And Peter's like yeah, what's up, and then he sees Wade, but it's not Deadpool, it's a scarred up dude in his late 20s, stuff ensues? Love your blog, have an absolutely wonderful day!! 💛💛"

peter and wade were just walking down the street and talking during a slow night, and wade just stops dead in front of a holistic healing place, staring at a mirror in the window

peter was going to ask wade what he was looking at when peter saw the mirror himself, peter could see wade’s whole face, blue eyes and scarred skin, while wade could see peter’s face, just some tired looking dude with messy hair in his late 20s

and for peter, he’s just tired, he asks wade what he has to do to buy his silence, but wade just tells him it’s their secret, and that’s that, he never brings it up again, and he never spills peter’s secret

however, peter starts getting weird packages that he doesn’t remember ordering, food, an ac unit, a new camera, it’s pretty obvious who the sender is when peter gets a spiderman themed lingerie set


	962. Chapter 962

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, extra spidery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter’s spider mutation gives him his usual powers, but with a twist that when he gets overwhelmed with anxiety or anger or joy he turns into a man-spider (almost like the hulk). One day peter has a panic attack and turns into this big scary spider hybrid and wade goes to kill him. He shoots bullets at the monster but they don’t do much, and suddenly the monster grossly transforms back to peter who cant do much but sit there and cry. That’s how wade discovers spider-man’s identity."

so peter’s just generally bad at dealing with his panic attacks, like breathing exercises stop working when you don’t have human lungs anymore, and it’s kinda hard for him to tell his spider brain he’s not actually dying

but when wade starts shooting at him while he’s transformed, he literally can’t do anything but panic, eventually it just wears him out and with some gross squelching and snapping bone sounds, he melts back into just plain old peter parker

peter’s still totally out of it when he transforms back, he can’t do much else than rock back and forth and remember to breath, so he’s confused when he finally comes to and he’s got a blanket on him and a water bottle in front of him

wade had, rightly, assumed this was some sort of hulk deal, and didn’t shoot peter, so for once luck was on peter’s side, unfortunately, wade did recognize his voice when he could finally talk again, but wade promises to shut up about it

now whenever peter panics in public, wade usually shows up to distract him so that he’s not hurting anybody, and peter’s thankful for that, it actually makes the whole thing less stressful so he can transform back faster, weird how things work out like that


	963. Chapter 963

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter looks like he has perfect, unscathed skin most of the time, but actually hes scarred to SHIT. From big long gashes up his thigh and down his spine, to small ones criss crossed on his face hands and arms. He has scars everywhere. The thing is, his scars are practically invisible unless under certain light, in which they become the elephant in the room. Not only that, all the stress hes carrying has him with completely grey hair by the ripe age of 23. Hes a mess. He never takes selfies."

man peter’s got so many problems, lucky for him his scars aren’t really noticeable unless he’s shirtless and the sunlight hits him just right, his healing factor usually makes the scars pretty faint, but he’s still just scarred to shit and self conscious about it

that and going grey early just makes him avoid the other side of the camera as much as he can, he dyes his hair, but he’s always paranoid his roots are showing

when wade gets upset about peter accidentally seeing more of wade’s face than he was planning on, peter rolled up his sleeves and pulled up his mask a little, his arms had so many scars his arm hair grows in patchy, and around peter’s neck is the result of about a dozen very personal murder attempts, peter jokes about that, says strangling is supposed to be one of the most intimate ways to kill people

peter and wade share a very particular kind of gallows humor after that


	964. Chapter 964

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, murder, cannibalism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter leaves home almost immediately after his spider powers manifest. He doesn't want his aunt and uncle to see what the bite has turned him into--and if he ever loses control of his rising predatory urges, he wants to be far from his elderly relatives. Years later, Spider-Man is still Spider-Man--but once in a while he loses control and drains a thug of blood. Now Deadpool, hired by the grieving family of one of those villainous victims, is on the hunt for Spidey's lair."

peter actually thinks he’s been turned into a vampire for a good six months after his powers manifest, like he’s already kind of a hermit and he never leaves the house so like, he didn’t actually know if the sun could hurt him, he just assumed?

but yeah that theory got old when none of the other vampire things worked out for him either, just the blood thing, of course, he never really red any stories where the vampires eat the eyes first and then drain the body, so yeah, spider powers, yay

but either way he tries to get far away from may and ben as soon as shit hits the fan, because there’s no way in hell he wants to put either of them in danger, so he starts living on the streets, because where else can he go

he’s sort of got a system worked out, he chases down robbers and muggers in the night, and steals whatever they’ve got on them, he’s gotta make crime fighting pay somehow, and like, is it really that bad to steal from thieves

peter’s hocked so many knives and guns over the years, and he gets by, but sometimes he can’t fill his stomach and his spider brain takes drastic measures, peter usually comes to over a mildly mutilated corpse with a full stomach, it never makes him feel any better that the people that get in his way aren’t the greatest, they’re still people

people with families that grieve when their loved ones die, and sometimes who seek revenge, peter accidentally fed on the wrong guy and ended up with deadpool on his tail, it’s a strange feeling, being hunted, but it’s making it harder and harder to make enough to eat, and nothing good ever happens when peter goes hungry

it takes about a week of deadpool scaring off anybody he tries to fight for peter to snap, and when peter comes to, wade’s partially decapitated head is yelling at peter for eating his eyes twice

which makes peter lose his “lunch”, peter’s never had a victim survive before, so out of panic he brings what he can gather of wade back with him to the abandoned place he’s squatting at, and peter apologizes

so wade starts feeling a little bad for peter, which sucks because he needs the money from this job, so he makes a deal with peter, anytime peter has blood lust problems, he can use wade for a snack, and in return, no more killing baddies

wade can technically still collect since there’s no proof that the guy’s killer is still active, and peter doesn’t kill anybody, he does feel bad about wade though, and starts doing stuff around the house for wade while he’s out, like cleaning and fixing his broken gadgets and patching up his suits

eventually wade just tells him to sleep on the couch and ends up with a very strange roommate


	965. Chapter 965

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Soulmate au where you find out who your soulmate is thru eye contact. So wade meets peter as a child in his civvies(at a comic con/saving him from bullies/anywhere rlly) and both instantly realize they’re soulmates. They exchange names and whatnot but then fast forward years later when dp is good friends with spidey never realizing its Peter until spidey tells him his name. Suddenly dp has the urge to rip this kid’s mask off to make sure bc what if?? ps I love your blog so much its a blessing❤️"

it’s before either of them have any super bullshit to deal with, peter’s just some kid that came to the con with his friends, and wade’s only a few years older when they run into each other at a table selling vintage captain america merch, they lock eyes and immediately they just know

they tell each other their first names before they get interrupted by the fire alarm going off, they can’t find each other again through the rest of the con, and go home a little disappointed

fast forward years later, dp is in new york laying lowish for a while, and peter’s just started trusting the guy after wade quite literally died for him, peter still feels guilty about the whole thing since it’s his fault for not paying attention in the first place

as a peace offering, peter gives wade his name, and wade has this moment of what if it’s his peter, and he just has to know, he has to, wade rips off his own mask before he can think about it to hard and tells peter his name, and asks if he was at the san diego comic con when he met his soulmate, and peter slowly takes off his own mask, and there’s that feeling again when they look into each other’s eyes

and peter just starts laughing, because what are the odds


	966. Chapter 966

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [kuoskinomoto](https://kuoskinomoto.tumblr.com/), "continue the eye-contact soulmate au pwease?"

wade keeps putting off meeting may, he’s terrified that she won’t like him, and when peter finally convinces him to come over for dinner, wade takes a big step and goes without his mask, may knew ahead of time so of course she didn’t say anything about his scars, and wade just broke down in the middle of dinner when may asked what his hobbies are because it’s been a long goddamn time since anybody treated him like a whole person

getting integrated into each other’s lives is messy, peter got into a fight with somebody at the hellhouse for making fun of wade, they got kicked out with a warning that the next time it happens peter can’t come back, it happens again and now peter’s not allowed in, wade’s defense of peter was “they shouldn’t start fights they can’t win”

peter loves wade’s eyes and he tells him all the time, peter loves getting lost in wade’s eyes, that connection with your soulmate just feels so warm and comfortable, and peter’s just happy that he can feel it whenever he sees wade

wade calls peter every day he’s away, because if he doesn’t peter will start calling in favors with other supers, and before you can say Yucatán wade’s got so many people up his ass that he can’t work until he can prove to peter that he’s still fine, wade complains about it sometimes, but peter’s gotten wade out of some tough spots because of it

when peter’s sick, wade will takeover his patrols and be new york’s substitute mostly friendly neighborhood deadpool, people still call him spiderman, and he usually has to take the subway to get around, and sometimes he steals knives and guns and doesn’t turn them into the cops, but he still does his best


	967. Chapter 967

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Wade:** we're engaged

 **Peter:** in combat!


	968. Chapter 968

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "A no power au where Wade is Peter’s long time bestfriend’s brother and he has a crush on him since he was 8 because he knows that even if Wade seems like a carefree rebel, he has the softest heart. And Wade has a soft spot for Peter cause he thinks that Peter is pretty mature for his age and despite all the shit’s he’s been through he still doesn’t lose himself. They don’t talk for years when Peter’s in college but years later they bump into each other somewhere.(Your blog gives me life btw <3)"

wade just kind of exists in his own house, it’s his younger brother that’s the golden child, his parents all funnel their love and praise onto his kid brother, even his real mom, when she visits

which fucking sucks, but he’s kinda grown used to it, ten years old and he’s already settled for a half-assed future, and it’s about this time that his brother makes a friend, some nerd in his class, they’re inseparable, and wade sees the kid about every day

peter’s a good kid, he lives in the next neighborhood over so sometimes wade’s parents make him walk peter home, wade, despite himself, kinda likes peter, he rambles nonstop about stuff wade doesn’t even care to understand, but he still nods along and pretends he gets it, it just makes him talk more

everything’s basically idyllic until about wade’s freshman year, it’s not even two months into the school year when wade’s brother comes home in tears, peter got pulled from class today because his parents both died in a car crash

just, fuck, peter’s just a kid and he’s gotta lose everything in a day, wade doesn’t see peter for a long time after that, and when peter starts coming over again, it’s his aunt that comes to drop him off, peter doesn’t smile and ramble like he used to, he also looks skinnier

wade would never admit it, but that’s why he started making them snacks whenever peter came over, and wade would drive peter back in his own car, the shitty pickup that he bought himself with his job

he was taking peter home for the night one day when he heard a sniffle and looked over to see peter crying, wade pulled over and wrapped peter up in a big hug while he just sat there crying, wade didn’t know what to say

after peter calmed down, wade drove them to the shitty jack in the box where his friend weasel worked, and talked him into giving them a bunch of the desserts he was going to have to throw out in a few hours

peter ate a metric shit ton of ice cream and got so cold that wade threw his hoodie on peter as they left, he dropped off peter safe and sound at his house

may got a new job at the hospital downtown, so wade’s parents agreed to keep peter at their house every day until ben got back from his job to pick peter up, wade’s brother was in tennis club, so half the time he wasn’t home by the time peter got there, and wade being wade, didn’t mind when peter snuck into his room out of boredom to see what he was doing

around this time wade was in what his parents called his “teenage phase”, meaning he started having opinions that directly disagreed with their own and started wearing nail polish because he liked it, which his parents also took as a personal offense, pissing them off was just an added bonus

he taught peter how to put on eye liner and fix a laptop with one too many viruses from shitty porn sites, he also helped out peter with his homework the best he could and listened to peter complain about his teachers and talk about what’s going on at home

when he found out peter was being bullied by some dick in his class, wade skipped class to go beat the shit out of them and never told peter, and when peter helped wade write a paper for his english class, he gave peter the idea to sell his services to kids in school that wanted good grades

when wade became a senior, peter and wade’s brother stepped into the school as freshmen, after which wade immediately dumped them both in the trash, as is tradition, wade’s brother asked him to leave him alone at school, so wade backed off

sometimes he saw peter in the library between classes, so he’d run in to mess up peter’s hair and run away, and when valentines came around, wade knew peter had just broken up with his girlfriend, so wade sent him one of those stupid valentines cards the school was selling, just so he wouldn’t feel like shit

everything was going great, wade just had five more months of school to get out of the way and he’d graduate and move the fuck out of this place, but life has a funny way of fucking you over just when you think you’ve got it all figured out

wade’s parents had stolen his phone and looked through all his messages with his friends, they found out he was queer and took him aside to tell him they were cutting him off, he had a week to get out of their house, they were taking back the phone they paid for, and everything else they bought him, and they told him they didn’t want him to talk to his brother anymore, his mom gave him those fucking eyes filled with pity and told him they’d like to see him again some day, after he does some “serious soul searching” and “figures himself out”

wade didn’t wait a week, he took what he could and threw it in his truck, nathan let him crash on his couch for a few weeks, and after that wade hopped around staying wherever he could, he told himself that no matter what happened, he’d rather die than come crawling back to his family like they expected him to, there’s only so many things you can give up for the people you love, but your identity isn’t one of them

wade did finish high school, he got his emancipation papers signed and started driving as soon as graduation was over, he didn’t actually know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he knew he was getting the hell away from his family, just like he’d always wanted

years later wade found himself working at an auto shop in new york, he was struggling to pay the bills and still had that shitty pickup, but he got sort of lucky, some dumb frat boys set the place on fire and wade got trapped inside, the settlement left him with 2 million which was enough to pay for the skin grafts and hospital bills, and then some, he was actually going to send the rest of it to his brother for college, but his therapist told him that’s a dumb fucking idea, his brother already has their parents’ money and he’s going to be just fine on his own

and then his therapist asked him what he wanted to do, and wade realized he wanted to go to college too, he’d just thrown that dream out the window when his parents disowned him, so this was all so surreal, he took the basic classes as a refresher and to get all the general credits out of the way, and then he took an intro to engineering class and learned that for the first time in his life, he actually liked math, and he was good at it

he started taking all these physics and engineering courses and changed his major to mechanical engineering, and when he walked into physics 2, he plopped himself down in a seat off to the side of the lecture hall and got out his notebook, because he’s one of the only idiots that still takes handwritten notes, and then somebody asked if the seat next to him was taken, and he was going to say no when he turned around and saw the guy, “peter?” he asked, peter squinted and asked “wade?” because how in the fuck

peter and wade ended up talking through most of the class and went to the dinning hall together after to catch up, peter had gotten a grant from the maria stark foundation to come to school in new york, he was working on his electrical engineering degree

they exchanged phone numbers and peter waved goodbye before running off to his next class, later that day peter texted wade, asking if wade wanted to come to the pride meeting with him, and wade froze up, he hadn’t really done anything about being pan since high school, he almost said no

but somehow he found himself halfway across campus in a building he’d never been in before walking down what was probably the creepiest and emptiest hallway he’d ever seen, he was about to bail when peter caught him and walked him inside, it was… weird, but nice, there were brownies and terrible punch, and for the first time in his life he said he was pan out loud, and he got a pin, which was also nice

peter and wade started going to study sessions for their physics class together, he kept asking peter about his brother, peter was nice enough to set up a skype chat for wade, his _sister_ had come out as trans after getting accepted to Julliard, their parents had decided to pretend it wasn’t happening and were still paying for her college though, wade got her number and talked for hours just catching up, it was nice to finally talk to her again

peter and wade printed off some study guides for midterms and had a marathon study session, and after tests were over, they had a mind numbing movie marathon using peter’s roommate’s netflix account, wade was starting the office when peter leaned over and kissed him, which was when wade realized peter was still wearing his hoodie from high school

wade’s sister teased them both mercilessly, apparently she’d known about peter’s crush since 8th grade


	969. Chapter 969

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, bloodplay, weapons kink, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Pete watches Wade cleaning and sharpening his knives and swords. Suddenly realizes he has a kink. Cue enthusiastic Wade tracing pretty, light, little scratches on the very surface of Petey's skin."

peter heals so easy the blood can barely well up before pink scratches are healed over as soon as they appear, wade was pretty hesitant about the whole thing, it just didn’t feel right turning a knife on peter, but then they got started, and the way peter’s breath hitched every time cold metal touched his skin and the little gasping and keening noise he made every time wade scratched a new line into his skin soon had wade getting enthusiastically over his hesitation

every once in a while the knife goes a little deep and wade laps over a trail of ruby red droplets left on peter’s skin, and peter just melts, it’s all he can do to keep himself from fisting his hands in the sheets and shredding them again


	970. Chapter 970

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, stripper au, nsfw

wade knows a lot of strippers, probably because he’s always hanging around strip clubs and beating up assholes that stick around outside, that and he buys a shit ton of drugs from people at strip clubs

now the only reason peter knows any of this about deadpool, is because he works at one of said strip clubs, it’s sketchy, but they don’t need any id, and peter gets paid in cash, a lot of cash, and the hours work better for him

it’s in that part of town, so sometimes shit goes down, and peter mostly tries to stay out of it, but it just happened to be one of the nights deadpool was there, and he just happened to walk by right when somebody pulled out a gun, and of course he grabbed the guy by the neck, which was when all hell broke lose

so peter felt like he had to jump in, he snapped somebody’s neck with his thighs and pulled wade out of the way before he got a bullet to the brain, eventually they wised up, realized they were fighting deadpool, and ran for it

wade invites peter for a drink, since he saved his life and all, not that he could die, but it’s the thought that counts, and peter’s just fucking tired, and he does like wade, he’s fun to hang around, and it’s almost the end of his shift, and he could use a drink, or more like twenty, he’s got to try so hard just to get buzzed, so he says yes

and wade takes him to the hellhouse, partly to show off and partly to rub it in weasel’s face, wade gets them drinks and weasel says something about wade always getting the hot ones, peter downs the shot and tells wade he’s gonna have to try harder if he wants to get peter drunk, and wade backtracks a little, says that’s not what he’s doing, and peter says i know

peter and wade get somehow get into an argument that leads to the two of them downing shot after shot as the rest of the bar cheers them on, peter actually gets drunk and admits defeat, he only had to drink half the liquor they had to do so

peter sobers up pretty fast and wade walks him outside, wade doesn’t know what to say and peter tells him, you’re a good guy, and wade laughs a little, peter tells him thanks for tonight, and wade tells peter to call if he ever wants to do this again, peter says he will and walks off, and wade realizes too late that he fucking forgot to give peter his number


	971. Chapter 971

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, stripper au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "it's been five minutes but can we have more of the stripper!peter au? with like the drinking game and stuff? thanks, love!"

peter already has wade’s number from when he gave it to spiderman, so the next time peter takes one too many hits as spiderman and still has to slather concealer over bruises and work a full shift, he calls wade at some ungodly hour and asks if he wants to grab a drink

wade is half asleep and says who the hell is this and how did you get my number, ten minutes later he’s meeting peter outside some quiet out of the way bar and they’re trading pity stories about how much their lives suck and laughing at the stupidity of it all

peter rubs his face and his concealer starts smearing, and wade notices and asks peter if he needs anybody beaten up, and peter just brushes him off and says you should see the other guy

wade starts showing up when peter’s working more often, sometimes he tries to stay out of peter’s sight, but peter knows he’s there, the one time he actually does run into some creep when he’s heading home, he’s already got the guy under his foot just as wade gets his gun out and runs into the alley, peter just tells him he can lay off the stalking a little and goes home

wade’s started having wet dreams about peter manhandling him after that run in in the alley, which is silly because peter is just some guy, a very hot stripper who for some reason became his drinking buddy voluntarily, but still just some guy

and then peter starts flirting back and wade doesn’t know what to do, he didn’t actually plan to get this far and he’s not sure how to not fuck this up, peter notices wade’s acting strange and asks wade if he’s making him uncomfortable, to which wade says no, so peter puts his hand on wade’s thigh and asks how about now

wade swallows hard and says no, peter’s wearing the biggest shit eating grin as his hand starts to slide up, wade calls uncle first and grabs peter’s hand, peter’s the one that takes him home that night, and wade’s on cloud nine

that is until he realizes that ever since that night, peter’s been avoiding him, like hardcore, peter straight up vanishes after his shift ends, wade’s so confused

peter’s feeling so guilty about trying to start a relationship with wade that he decided to cut off all contact so wade can’t get pulled into his dysfunctional life and end up getting hurt like everybody else he’s tried to date, spiderman doesn’t exactly make the world’s best boyfriend, and he’s honestly too scared of wade’s reaction to tell him about his secret identity

it’s better this way


	972. Chapter 972

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, stripper au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Please continue the stripper au!!! I’m dying! You’re doing so good ahhh"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “can we have more stripper!peter? does wade track him down after he disappears?”

wade gives up, if peter’s trying that hard to avoid him, then he’s not going to hunt him down like an animal, he just still wishes he could know why, he still comes when peter’s working though, they never talk when he’s working, but it wears peter down, seeing wade every day, so he decides he at least owes wade a reason

after he changes and starts to walk home, he slows down enough for wade to catch up, they both know it’s an invitation, wade doesn’t say anything when he catches up to peter, and peter doesn’t look him in the eye, he just says i’m sorry, but i don’t want to get you involved, and then he’s gone

this was the wrong thing to say because wade’s imagination filled in the rest and he’s got twenty different scenarios running around his head where peter’s in deep shit and trying to take it all on himself, so wade gears up, and starts stalking peter again, looking for whoever it is that peter is “involved” with

which is how he gets an eyeful of peter changing into his spiderman costume and swinging away, and it all makes sense, why peter wasn’t afraid of him, why he was so fucking paranoid and that stupid martyr streak always characteristic of his favorite super hero

wade finds spidey that night, and when peter tells him to go away he’s having a bad day, wade takes off his mask, and he says i trust you, so i’m taking off my mask, do you trust me?

peter slowly takes off his own mask and asks wade how long he’s known, wade says just a day, peter says look i really don’t want you to be collateral damage when spiderman messes up again

and wade just says, you’re an asshole, and peter’s almost offended, wade tells him that he’s got no fucking right to sit there and preach about what wade can and can’t handle, he’s fucking immortal, and he knows his own limits very well thank you, and he thinks he can stick it out with spiderman and peter parker thank you very much

peter laughs and rubs his tired face, and letting out a sigh he says, you’re right, i’m an asshole, and you’re right

now the question is, wade says, walking towards peter and holding out his hand, can you handle me

peter grabs his hand and pulls him into a tight hug and says, yeah, i think i can


	973. Chapter 973

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

the one time wade got replaced by a skrull lookalike, peter figured it out in ten seconds flat, when wade went in for a hug, he kept his hands above the waist

so peter webbed him up and yelled “wade would never miss a chance to grab my ass”

peter’s just glad there’s no security tape of that, because if there were, wade would never let him live it down


	974. Chapter 974

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, songfic, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, ""I know I'll fall in love with you, baby. And that's not what I wanna do" (...) "I know I'll fall in love with you, baby. And that's just what I'll do. I hope you won't ever lie to me. And if you do, I know I won't be your cry baby" (...) "Cry baby, cry baby. I need to cry, baby. Cry baby, cry baby. You need to cry, baby. Cry baby, cry baby. We need to cry. And if we do, I know that would be alright" - Cry Baby by The Neighbourhood (something based off these lines or the whole song, you choose)"
> 
> [Cry Baby Cry by The Neighbourhood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onb5GBqHM6c)

_BOOM_

…

when wade came to his brain rose out of the hazy fog of death and the first thing he could think was that he was comfortable, and warm, and it was so nice

then came the smells, blood and gunpowder and bone dust, and then he heard, crying?

when he finally opened up his eyes, wade could see spiderman, his mask had wet stains down the front, and wade started looking around to see what made him cry, “spidey?” he slurred uncertainly

peter just squeezed him tighter and called him a fucking asshole, peter was crying over him

wade reached up with shaking hands and grabbed peter’s shoulder, he told peter it would take a lot more than that to kill him, peter laughed through his tears and told him to shut up, it was terrifying

and then wade wondered, when was the last time somebody cared enough to cry when he died, when was the last time someone cared so much


	975. Chapter 975

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter gets arrested for getting into a fight with some guys outside the psych building on campus and ends up with a shit ton of community service to do, where he meets wade who also has a shit ton of community service to do, he and wade get along real well and see each other nearly every other day

when peter’s time is nearly done, wade gives peter his number and tells him to call, they hang out a lot and keep in touch, and peter starts to have a thing for wade

but then the question finally occurs to peter, what did wade do to get arrested?

the weird thing is that he can’t figure out, nobody he’s talked to knows and he can’t find any records with wade’s name on them, so what exactly does this mean


	976. Chapter 976

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hi! I love your prompts!! Here is one for you. Deadpool is working/arguing with the Avengers. Things are getting crazy when intern/avenger in training Pater Parker comes in and because he is so friendly, in a matter of minutes Wade has agreed to everything the Avengers want and is helping Peter with his intern job"

the avengers aren’t that fond of deadpool and vice versa, but someone’s been targeting mutants and shield made them take him for this one, and as predicted, it’s not going well, there’s just something about wade that lets him get under everybody’s skin

just having him in the tower for a meeting was bad enough, they were just about to throw punches when peter walked in to tell tony lab 3 exploded and jarvis’ system was offline in the room

and wade immediately starts chatting peter up, and peter just falls into his usual banter with wade without even thinking about it too much, and when peter leaves, wade is surprisingly compliant

they manage to wrap up the meeting in minutes and as soon as it’s over, wade’s out the door, the avengers find him in lab 3, moving rubble and making peter laugh so hard he can’t clean

tony and natasha personally ask peter if they should kick wade out, and peter keeps telling them it’s fine, it’s not like he’s causing any trouble, and tony is just so fucking mad when wade leaves the tower with peter’s number, he’s caught between peter is an adult who can make his own decisions, and i should accidentally break peter’s phone right now


	977. Chapter 977

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok but imagine: peter is a part-time bartender and wade is the sexy singer who is always somehow drunk and high (in love with your blog btw)"

peter’s just trying to get through every night, he’s not exactly in love with his job, like it’s a nice place, actually it’s a nice job too, but there’s also wade

wade wilson is the singer, the hot singer, the hot narcissistic drunk asshole singer that peter has to keep prying away from the bar every night, ok so he’s not _that_ bad, but he’s still kind of a pain in the ass to deal with

every night he comes in drunk, steals a drink from the bar, gets three different people to buy him drinks, sings with the voice of an angel, and comes back to bother peter at the bar during his breaks

when peter’s bartending, wade always checks his drinks first ever since that one time peter asked what he wanted and wade had said “surprise me”, wade had taken a huge gulp of beer and milk and spewed it across the bar as soon as it hit his tongue, peter told him, laughing, that he’d learned how to make that one in college

every once in a while wade gets absolutely black out drunk and peter’s usually the one that gets stuck taking him home, wade’s apartment is a little odd, like it’s a shitty place not to far from peter’s apartment, but that’s not the weird part, the weird part is the massive comic book collection, wade’s the last person peter would have pegged for a geek

that’s just how it went, until one day wade walked into work in his usual crisp suit and a new pair of black stilettos, which wasn’t surprising until wade sat down at the bar and _turned down a drink_ , which was insane, peter asked him if he was dying

wade told him to shut up, he can’t wear these shoes sober and he really wanted to wear them, sober wade is grumpy, but he’s also a much better dancer and criminally good at flirting

peter already had a crush on the guy, but now wade’s done with his shift and plying peter for drinks, and peter’s going to give in, he always does, but he doesn’t even try to fight it this time

wade stays late tonight, so peter already knows wade’s going to ask him for help getting home, but instead peter and wade end up getting drunk together and crawling back to peter’s place, since it’s closer, and then they pass out on the kitchen floor

wade wakes up before peter does and starts exploring, he’d never been in peter’s place before, he’s got so many pictures on the walls, and his sink is full of dirty dishes, and he has a giant glass jar in the kitchen full of goldfish, and peter caught him going through a yearbook he’d found on the shelf


	978. Chapter 978

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "how do you think shuri would interact with spideypool? because I feel like they'd get along great, especially peter & shuri"

ok so lets say peter started following shuri on social media after tony gets excited about meeting her, and she follows him back because he’s always posting about the avengers and he’s just as much a memelord as she is

peter makes a meme about t’challa the next time he visits the avengers again and shuri liked it so much she sent it to her brother, after that they added each other in snap chat and started talking

sometimes peter will send shuri pictures of projects tony is stuck on so she can give peter the answer, which he then nonchalantly says over tony’s shoulder as he’s working, and obviously it’s a simple answer he missed the first time so he just gets so mad, it’s hilarious

shuri started following mj after peter reblogged one of her selfies and shuri thirst followed her, and obviously mj already knows who she is and flips the fuck out when shuri follows her

after high school peter keeps on with the stark internship and picks up college credits working at stark labs, and peter helps mj get a recommendation from pepper potts which lands her the wakandan exchange student grant she applied for, peter’s feed gets flooded with pictures of shuri taking her around wakanda

peter and ned skype mj a lot when she has the time, ned got an IT job out of highschool and stayed in nyc where he and peter share a moderately sized apartment that tony made sure was in a better part of town and paid for, he and peter still fuck around with the suit’s programming in their free time, ned had karen play a spiderman song he found on youtube every time somebody calls, peter’s embarrassed to say but he loves it

once peter’s older, he starts getting actual training from shield, because he may be an avenger, but he’s spent far too long trying to figure out this stuff on his own, he’s surprised at how bad he does the first day, like his reflexes are great, but he doesn’t have any of the basics down

it’s while he’s at a shield base for survival training that he runs into wade, who just got picked up from a solo mission, wade sees the suit and stops dead, he fanboys so hard peter doesn’t know how to keep up, he’s never had like huge fans before

ned moves out of state to pursue a degree in animation and visual effects, with ned moved away and mj in south america doing her journalism thing, peter’s kinda lonely, he visits may every chance he gets and he’s got the avengers, but he’s always been a kid in their eyes

and then deapool shows up while peter’s doing a patrol in one of his older suits, he doesn’t exactly need the iron spider to fight petty crime, he and wade really hit it off and end up talking for three hours in a shitty taco bell, peter’s so tired the next morning that he oversleeps

when ned calls peter at 3am to tell him he’s working on the next star wars movie, peter yells so loud wade falls off the bed from where he was cuddling peter and swears so loud ned can hear him, considering peter had been putting off telling his friends about wade because he “couldn’t find the right time” this was the perfect opportunity, ned said they should get matching costumes

when the movie came out, they all met up in new york again and watched the movie together on opening night, peter dragged wade with him so he could meet his friends in person, and mj brought her fiance who peter and ned were so excited to finally meet in person after all these years


	979. Chapter 979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [change-your-view](https://change-your-view.tumblr.com/), "Your headcanon Hobo Peter Parker x Deadpool in the Spiderman into the spider verse movie."

peter’s a bit of a pack rat, which is weird for somebody that owns one spiderman suit, three pairs of sweats, a jacket, and a backpack half full of junk

wade finds this out when he gets a bullet hole in his suit and peter got offended when wade said he was gonna have to throw it out, he was so offended that he disappeared and scared the shit out of wade by crawling in his bedroom window later that night with a needle and thread

wade absolutely screamed and tried to shoot peter before he realized what had happened, another bullet hole in his poor wall, wade had to get out of bed and dig out his suit for peter because he wouldn’t fucking leave

wade was impressed when he woke up and found his suit thrown on the couch, he couldn’t even see the stitching, and whatever thread peter had used was amazing, because nothing gave when wade yanked on it

wade then had an idea, if a hole in his suit got peter to stick around for a couple of hours, then how long could he get peter to stay if he went to goodwill and bought out the store

goodwill wasn’t open so wade went to town on his closet, peter had to ask what have you been wearing in the meantime, to which wade said his suit, peter who also wore his suit 24/7 and has not visited a laundromat in three months decided that was an acceptable answer

he got peter to stay for almost a week, he’d ruined some of his clothes to the point where peter even had to admit there was no hope and told wade to toss them, wade cried over the golden girls sweater and tried burning it in his sink, the fire department hates him now


	980. Chapter 980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, dadpool, halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Inspired by this post](https://liscribs.tumblr.com/post/173812301055/spideypool-au)

peter may be a grown ass adult, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to miss out on free candy, plus he’s already got an amazing costume, five different people have told him his costume isn’t right, and somebody else told their kid he was too small to be the real spiderman, it’s either funny or insulting

this guy runs into him on accident and peter spills his candy everywhere, children decend like vultures, half his stash is gone by the time he gets it all back in his bucket

he would be disappointed but casual friday freddy krueger offered to help him trick or treat to make up for it, and well why not, wade and his daughter ellie are adorable, he couldn’t figure out what ellie was supposed to be, so he had to ask her, she had little plastic throwing stars that she threw up in the air when she announced she was ninja batman, she was impressed when peter caught one of the stars

wade was flirting pretty hard, and peter was honestly having fun, and at the end of the night peter’s the one that asks if wade wants to hang out again, preferably somewhere not surrounded by screaming children in costumes, and wade does that thing where he promises to look into it, but he’s not going to show his face again until next halloween, but he does get peter’s number

they text back and forth constantly for weeks, peter’s friends all think he’s got a crush because he keeps smiling at his phone and he won’t anybody see who’s calling, he’s got it bad

but then he runs into wade again while he’s swinging around downtown, and it just clicks, that voice, even muffled behind the mask he recognizes wade, but he’s so uncertain about wade’s take on secret identities that he doesn’t say anything, he also realizes that wade was walking around that night without his mask on, and it’s stupid but peter feels special somehow and he hates that he’s acting like he’s got a high school crush all over again, he’s always calling wade just to hear him talk and he’s started collecting deadpool merch, and if wade ever found out, he’d have to move continents

peter spends a whole year agonizing over wade, like he thinks they could really be something, but wade’s got his own issues and peter’s not sure if wade’s ever going to make a move since he won’t see peter parker in person and he doesn’t know spiderman is peter, so like, peter decides he has to do something or it’ll kill him

next halloween, peter asks wade if he’s going trick or treating this year, and wade says he might, and peter takes a deep breath and asks if wade wants him to join wade and ellie this year again

and peter’s holding his breath as wade processes, and it gets mixed up in wade’s head, he meant to ask “that was you?” but fucked it up halfway by mashing together “you’re spiderman?”, so what he said was “that was spiderman?”

and of course that cracks them both up, and wade just groans and says, shit i sexted spiderman

wade and peter are both lazy this year and wear their costumes, ellie decided to mix it up again and was a dinosaur princess, she kept roaring and chasing other kids, wade wiped away a fake tear and said, that’s my girl


	981. Chapter 981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, character death, murder, guns, kidnapping, organized crime au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [bunnnyy-bunnns](https://bunnnyy-bunnns.tumblr.com/), "Peter is the son of a mafia boss and because of tension rising against his father’s and the other’s mafia, DP is sent to kidnap Peter."

peter isn’t the son of a mafia boss for nothing, he’s learned how to take care of himself, and wade isn’t expecting him to be so obstinate about the whole thing, it actually takes wade a lot longer to kidnap peter than he thought it would, the guy stabbed him in the chest three times before wade managed to shove chloroform in his face

peter tried exhausting every opportunity to escape, he dislocated his thumbs to get out of the handcuffs, tried breaking the window and hacking the door before wade caught him again

wade asks peter why he’s trying so hard to get out, his dad will get him back when he compensates for the goons he killed, and peter laughs because no he won’t, his dad cares more about his pride than he does his son, he’s learned that the hard way

and wade says, that’s rough buddy, wade knocks peter out before he goes out to get food, when peter wakes up again wade’s got a stack of board games and pizza, he lets peter pick the game, and peter thinks this is the weirdest kidnapping ever, but he picks life because he hasn’t played that since he was a kid

peter and wade both cheat through the game, but the real trick is not getting caught, peter won and wade immediately accused him of cheating, to which peter pulled a 100 out of wade’s sleeve, touché

they passed three days like that, playing board games and trading stories, on the fourth day, wade says peter was right about his dad, and then he makes a proposal, since wade doesn’t get paid until peter’s dad pays up, he’s not getting paid, so he’s got no reason to keep peter here, but if he lets peter go he’ll probably be on his boss’s bad side

peter interrupts him and says you want to elope?, and basically yeah, and peter laughs because what the fuck would we do, and wade says he’s got a nice place in france, not too trashed from last time he was there, and peter asks him how they’re going to get to europe, and wade unlocks a room and comes back out with a literal gym bag full of guns

wade asks him if he knows how to shoot, and peter says he learned how to shoot before he learned to walk, and wade hands him a gun and says promise you won’t shoot me, and peter says no promises

peter shoots him as soon as he lets go, wade wakes up slumped on the couch, he picks up the ziplock bag on his chest and reads the note, it’s a passport and a plane ticket and a note from peter with his number and a promise to see him again in paris sometime soon, and just maybe it’s a chance wade will take


	982. Chapter 982

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, character death, murder, guns, kidnapping, organized crime au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i need more of that organized crime au, its soooooooo good"

it stings a little that peter actually shot him, but then again he is in the mafia, shoulda seen that one coming, what he hadn’t expected was the phone number or the ticket out of america before his boss came after him, maybe peter hadn’t been joking earlier

either way, wade flies to paris and gets settled in his little cottage on the countryside, it’s actually really beautiful out where he lives, and it’s only partly a farm, granted he got rid of all the animals long ago, but there’s a single old brown tabby that visits every morning, wade just calls him asshat since they both know he’s just there to steal food

wade never does call peter, maybe he’s just avoiding calling in case it’s a dead end

three months in, he was going to lay low for six, there’s somebody banging on his door at some ungodly hour in the morning, wade opens the door, gun at the ready, just to be faced with peter, also pointing a gun at him

the first thing peter says is, you didn’t call, wade says he didn’t think it was a real number, peter asks if he’s still mad about the whole shooting him thing, wade lowers his gun real slow and says not enough to return the favor

peter never does tell wade what he’s doing in europe, occasionally he’ll disappear for a few days, but he always comes back with groceries so wade doesn’t mind it too much, peter let that damn cat in the house and now he thinks he owns the place, wade still insists on calling him asshat

it’s weird, living with somebody you might fuck or kill, depending on what happens, and wade’s been getting restless, he’s been here longer than six months and peter doesn’t seem to want to leave, at the very least wade needs to punch somebody in the face

his opportunity comes around when six guys try to break into the house, he winds up in a shoot out and manages to capture two of them alive, they’re looking for peter, wade has to sit around talking at his two captives while he waits for peter to come back again

as soon as peter’s in the door wade pins him against the wall with a gun to his head and starts demanding answers, like why the hell his dad’s goons are looking for him with loaded guns, as it turns out, peter turned his father into the police, stole over 300 grand and disappeared, they were here looking for revenge and a lot of cash

wade shot peter in the foot just to be petty, and peter punched him in the face, peter was on the floor trying to pry off his shoe and hissing in pain as he yelled at wade, he accused wade of saying he hadn’t been mad enough to shoot peter back, and wade yelled that was before i had to spend all yesterday rounding these idiots up and getting shot at

peter limped to the bathroom and patched up his foot, and got a gun just in case wade was feeling angry again, he heard the sound of two gunshots outside and wade came back in the house spattered in blood, wade told him to pack his shit, we’re leaving now

peter complains the whole time about how this would be so much easier if he didn’t have a fucking hole in his foot, wade’s trigger finger itches, he’s so tempted to make it two holes, they manage to get the essentials shoved in a bag, peter grabs his suitcase full of obscene amounts of cash out of the backyard, and they jack a car from in town

wade complains the whole time about how fucking tiny the car is, peter’s an even worse driver than wade, which is saying something, wade asks him where he got his license, peter laughs and says he never had one, wade kicks him out of the driver’s seat after that

they drive for just over a day straight, ditch seven different cars and change clothes twice, peter complains that he hasn’t shaved, wade rolls his eyes because he’s this close to strangling peter to death

they end up in a little out of the way town in Ukraine by the coast, it only takes three more hours of wade trying to get his fucking gps to work so they can find his bunker, because of course wade has a bunker out here in the middle of nowhere

wade and peter get into a fight not even three days after they arrive, wade’s saying that he could at least get a thanks for saving peter’s sorry ass, peter’s yelling that he didn’t ask for his help, and wade yells what the hell else were you doing living in my goddamn house while your dad was after your head, peter yells that wade didn’t call, wade yells that peter shot him, peter rips off his shoe and throws it at wade because my foot’s still fucking bleeding you ass

and then wade goads him on and peter finally just punches him in the face, wade fixes his nose with a crack, peter aims his gun at wade’s head again as wade stalks towards him, he says you won’t shoot me, peter slowly lowers his gun, and puts a hole in wade’s foot

wade’s hopping around swearing and peter’s complaining that that is the exact thing you don’t say if you don’t want to get shot, wade slams peter into a wall and wrestles the gun out of his grip, and this time he’s fast enough to grab peter’s other hand when he goes for the knife on wade’s waist

wade taunts him, asking so what now, and peter’s just so fucking angry, spits out fuck you and one angry fuck on the couch later, wade says, you know i suddenly don’t feel like strangling you anymore, peter just laughs

they make it three months before the two of them decide they can’t stay in the bunker any longer without going bat shit crazy, they go back to france and peter buys an apartment in a small town and wade stays with him, peter asks why did you help me anyways, wade says it’s because he still owed him from before, and peter said you mean when i shot you the first time

wade rolls his eyes and says no, for the ticket, and the money i stole from you when we were driving to ukraine, peter just scoffs and says he let him take it


	983. Chapter 983

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, musician au, police au

Wade is a world renowed violin player who gets caught up in the middle of a robbery where the super expensive violin he was supposed to play got stolen and everybody thinks its him bc musicians do not make much and he’d get so much money

Peter is a cop and he’s sure wade didn’t do it, wade tags along to clear his own name bc there’s no way in hell hes going to jail if he’s not getting the money

Peter takes a bullet to save wades hands and wade is so happy when peter wakes up in the hospital that he kisses peter and peter’s so out of it but he manages to say hey buy a guy a drink first


	984. Chapter 984

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

*the first time wade and peter meet*

 **Wade:** the name’s deadpool, but you can call me daddy

 **Peter:** …… _NO_


	985. Chapter 985

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oooo I got one!!! Peter Parker, god of light, was cursed by whoever the god of spiders might be, for whatever reason, cursed to stay human until he falls in love the person feels the same way. 40 years later, he looks the same, but now there's DP... The real curse isn't staying human, it's that he'll be torn from his true love once he finds it... Sorry for the angst, happy ending maybe?? Love your blog!!💛💛"

peter is a newer god, born of the ashes of the old god of the sun when they were long forgotten, and being a new god, he sometimes gets into trouble with the other gods

peter had been in a desert, playing with his powers, calling on the light of the sun, which raised the temperature just above livable for the creatures that dwelt there, including the demi god child of the god of spiders and weavers

they cursed peter with humanity, only to be broken when he falls in love with a human, so he can know how it feels to lose the one you love the most, it’s a terrible thing to have part of yourself stripped away, and peter was such a young god that humanity was almost unbearable

peter had to figure it all out on his own, learning to eat, learning to bathe, learning to work to get money to keep himself from pain and hunger and cold, humans are unbelievably fragile, compared to what he once was, but eventually, with a lot of help from random strangers, peter gets it figured out

he lives next to a nice couple that took him under their wings and invite him over for dinner every thursday, ben gave peter his old camera for christmas and peter fell in love with photography, it makes him feel closer to what he used to be

he’s got a job at a burger king, because of course he does, he finds it much less fascinating than it used to be when he first started, he’s learned a lot about humanity from his job, and a lot of it isn’t good, he’s basically given up hope of ever breaking his curse, it’s hard to connect with creatures that feel so goddamn much, peter’s had so much trouble dealing with feelings ever since he became human

he’s got a very patient therapist working with him through his major depressive disorder and constant anxiety, he’s found the thing that calms him down the most is watching the sun rise on rooftops, it’s a little harder to do since he can’t like fly now, but he still manages

and that’s where he met wade, well actually somebody was shooting at wade, and wade dove in front of peter to keep him from getting shot and then since wade was bleeding from everywhere peter had to drag them both down to the fire escape and break into somebody’s room, that was thankfully empty at the time

peter was trying to call an ambulance, but he was having a lot of trouble with phones still, and wade just stood up and walked out, and peter was certain then and there that wade was another god, just one that still had powers

so peter went out around the city looking for the guy again, and he found him, in several pieces, so peter put him back together and waited, wade was so out of it when he woke up that when peter started asking him about gods and what he can do and what is he in charge of and have you seen the big scorpion guy lately because i think he might have gone back to the sea after the last time i beat him at uno

wade thinks he’s still hearing nonsense, until he’s sure that peter’s just crazier than he is, but he gets the guy lunch for helping him out again anyways, and peter never leaves him alone after that, peter doesn’t make much sense normally, but wade still helps him figure out modern technology and talking to people, he also teaches peter how to order pizza, peter fucking loves pizza

when wade has to burn down his place, peter invites him to live at his, and when may tells him congratulations on having his boyfriend move in and invites them both over to dinner, and peter realizes he might actually like wade like that, so he goes into a panicked spiral and calls his therapist’s office for an emergency appointment at 6am tomorrow, she doesn’t think it’s as much of an emergency as he does, but they work through it anyways

peter doesn’t say anything to wade yet, but his powers start coming back and he’s so confused, and then it occurs to him that wade might not actually be a god, so peter disappears, thinking that it’s best for them both this way

but wade being wade tracks peter down as soon as he doesn’t get home from work on time because something terrible might have happened, and when wade finds him peter breaks out the sob story, how he’s a god so they can never be together, and wade tells him to shut up, he’s basically immortal anyways, so peter sticks around in new york even though he’s a literal god, and wherever wade goes, he follows


	986. Chapter 986

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "As dorky and cheesy as Wade is, Peter is the one with the very...unique laugh. He cant control the volume of it, it starts out low but the more amusing he finds something the higher it goes until he's giggling high and fast like a damn chipmunk, sometimes (a lot) his laugh even devolves into snorts. Peter has learned to silent laugh most of the time, but sometimes he cant help but let it slip."

wade calls it peter’s chipmunk laugh, he’s always trying to get peter to laugh because he thinks it’s both adorable and hilarious, it’s such an infectious laugh, and even though peter used to hate it, it makes wade smile so he doesn’t mind it so much anymore

one surefire way to make peter collapse in a fit of laughter is have him watch afv, so wade’s got a stack of old pirated tapes at home and a vcr, peter and wade have movie night sometimes and they always always end up getting popcorn everywhere, they need to stop throwing it at each other


	987. Chapter 987

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter’s been with Wade for a while, so Wade finally introduces him to Ellie. They have a day full of fun times. Peter tells May about it, saying “I met my daughter. I mean. My boyfriend’s daughter.” Peter isn’t sure how to feel about that slip up, because it feels true already."

peter loves ellie as soon as they meet, she shows him her whole spiderman collection, he’s flattered, she helps wade and peter cook dinner, and insists that they all have ice cream for dessert

ellie talks almost as much as wade, and she has such a huge imagination, she had wade and peter help her set up a shop using the couch cushions, she made them pay her ellie cash for imaginary slushies, she’s also very good at tag, even though peter’s got a super metabolism, she still wears him out by the end of his visit

wade calls peter on his way home and gushes about how much ellie liked him and how she was going to lose her fucking mind when she finds out he’s dating spiderman

peter calls may that night to tell her all about ellie, he slips up and calls ellie his daughter and may just smiles because ellie’s already got peter wrapped around her little finger


	988. Chapter 988

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you continue the one where Peter slips up and calls Ellie his daughter? What if he keeps slipping up and ends up calling her his daughter in front of Wade? Or calls her *their* daughter."

wade comes to peter in a blind panic when ellie gets kidnapped, peter gets suited up in record time and nearly starts running without even asking wade where they took her first, wade remembers he put a tracker in her foot about a year ago and peter decides to shut up about how insane that is until after they’ve found ellie

it’s a warehouse on the dock, because of course it is, it’s only been like five minutes since ellie got there, before her kidnappers could even make a ransom call or anything, and peter’s already there, ripping metal doors off their hinges as wade shoots the kneecaps off anyone he sees

when peter spots ellie he screams, get the fuck away from my kid, and launches himself at the burly guards with guns that were standing over her, wade grabs ellie, metal chair, duct tape and all, and hugs her so tight she can barely breathe

peter rips off the duct tape and part of the chair back he’s so frantic to get her free, wade has to tell him to calm the fuck down before he hurts her

peter wraps his arms around them both and his shoulders slump in relief, ellie tentatively asks if she’s still allowed to go to her friend’s house today, to which wade immediately says no, and peter tells her she can eat whatever the hell she wants today instead, ice cream for dinner


	989. Chapter 989

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love the hc that peter is shorter than wade, but also the one where Pete is tall and lanky while wade is shorter and more compact"

i’ll go down with short peter, but stupid tall and lanky twig peter and his smol buff boyfriend are also good

wade’s not actually that much shorter than peter, but it’s just enough to be noticeable and peter lords it over him, peter loves passive aggressively leaning on wade’s head because he can just to piss him off

peter’s slim and forever jealous of wade’s muscles, peter doesn’t know if he’s jealous or gay when wade flexes, it’s both


	990. Chapter 990

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, 80s au, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "1980s Jock/Nerd AU with a classic 80s backdrop like an arcade, roller rink, video store or something. bless this blog! It is how I heal!!!"

wade’s the resident jackass, not quite prom king material but notorious womanizer and surprisingly popular with girls, he walks around the school like he own the place, he’s always with the other jocks, hair slicked back and wearing dirty varsity jackets sitting around his very own bright red pontiac firebird trans am that his parents got him for his birthday

peter on the other hand is just one in a handful of nerds, he’s got the thick rimmed glasses he can’t see shit without, and they’re taped together on one side since he couldn’t get new frames, he’s got a couple of friends that meet in his basement once a week for marathon d&d sessions and arguing over star wars fan theories

his best friend is mj who only comes over to dm for d&d, she’s not as into the sci-fi stuff or the computers, she’s also a massive lesbian and tries to help peter flirt with girls, so far he’s still single

peter fucks up and accidentally burns down the school lab when a failed experiment goes up in flames, wade got busted for running the school mascot costume up the flag pole, they’re the only two in detention and the only teacher there is dead asleep, wade gets bored easy so he decides to bug peter

ten minutes in peter is kicking his ass at paper football and they’re trading insults, peter gets comfortable enough around wade that he starts telling him about his d&d group and how they’ve accidentally overthrown a monarchy and started a bloody coup because they were trying to legally adopt a cat as their mascot, and wade is absolutely riveted, i mean humor and gore, amazing

that weekend wade hunts peter down at the arcade because where else would he be, and convinces him to go for a drive, they head to the video store where he gets peter to recommend some of his favorites, because all the nerd stuff peter was talking about before got him interested, they end up going to peter’s house and marathoning star trek tapes peter had recorded until may told them that they’re sleeping here because it’s too late to drive home

peter and wade are teenagers so they’re both still awake at some ungodly hour talking, and then there’s a lul and wade leans in and kisses peter, and peter’s eyes go wide like a deer in the headlights, and peter very slowly asks wade if he’s gay, and wade says no, so peter says but you kissed me, and wade says well yeah there’s that

peter just stares at wade, so wade gets up and says it’s ok, he’ll leave, and then he does, gets in his car and goes home in the middle of the night

the next day peter’s at mj’s house at 6am on a weekend banging on the door so hard her mom comes out and tells him she’s waking up just please come inside and be quiet, he and mj go outside so they can talk, it all comes out of peter in a rush and he’s just very confused and mj just asks him did you hate it, and peter says no, so she asks what’s the problem

and peter’s hit with a sudden clarity, what is the problem?, he’s already a social outcast and his aunt is supportive of mj being gay, he’s literally got nothing to lose

monday morning, peter catches wade in the parking lot just as he gets to school, peter says look about last night, i want to try again, wade grins and tells him to get in his car, they ditch school and honestly peter’s more worried about that than where wade’s taking him

wade drives out to “make out point” and parks the car just far enough back from the safety rail that no one can see his car from below, since it’s daylight there’s nobody there but them

peter asks him if he’s really ok with this, and peter’s freaking out a little but he nods and this time he’s the one to lean in and kiss wade, wade pushes back and kisses him breathless, peter goes even reder when wade asks him “so have i shown you the backseat yet?”


	991. Chapter 991

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, 80s au, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Oh please please more 80’s au?? It’s amazing!!!!"

peter and wade are that annoying couple that treats every time they leave each other for five goddamn minutes like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other again, gross pda and making out in the hallways enough to make everybody else uncomfortable, mj’s a little ticked that peter’s getting more ass than her

wade and peter are inseparable, and peter’s group is having to deal with wade jumping into their carefully crafted d&d sessions every week, mj punched him so hard he got a black eye when he seduced the group so off track that mj had to throw out everything she wrote and make a new dungeon, peter was laughing so hard he fell out of his seat

wade’s jock buddies have to deal with wade and peter gross flirting across the field every game, and peter always brings giant colorful signs cheering on wade, but it’s ok because peter brings his aunt’s cookies for after game snacks

once one of them made fun of peter’s calculator watch and when peter told him he couldn’t beat anybody up for him because he might get kicked out of football, so wade slipped laxatives in his lunch, nobody messes with peter now

peter and wade had their one month anniversary at the roller rink, and wade paid to get them to play physical by olivia newton-john about six times in a row, peter wasn’t that great at roller skating to begin with, and he was even worse trying to skate while laughing his ass off, wade basically dragged him around the rink the whole time


	992. Chapter 992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, jewish peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [skater314159](https://skater314159.tumblr.com/), "I love the half-Jewish Peter who's kinda observant but kinda not! (i was raised a mix of Catholic, Jewish, and Zen Buddhist). I would love more of him and Wade, esp Wade going with him to Temple on Shabbos or a holiday"

on friday evenings peter and wade always fight about lighting the shabbat candles, wade always teases that peter should light the candles because he’s more feminine, but peter was raised modern orthodox and while he’s been getting more into reform judaism there’s still somethings from his childhood that stick with him, having a man light the shabbat candles just grates on his nerves, wade always ends up doing it because he’s bigender

wade and peter start going to services more often, and wade discovers he loves purim, he got to drink while watching peter help out with purimspiel, it was way more fun than he’d been expecting


	993. Chapter 993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, au au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok, so. Ellie is starting with grade and is coming home from school when she runs into this kid who's like two to three years younger than her and wearing this wierd suit that's like a mix between Spidey's and Deadpool, in a cool way. He says his name is Ben, and Ellie brings him home with her when she sees the scars all over his face. Ben tell her that he's from a different universe and that he got separated from his team while they were fighting some bad wizard dude.  
> Ellie is like, “Sure, ok,” and patches him up. She believes him since her dad is Deadpool. So they hang out and Ellie shows him a lot of stuff that Wade tries to hide from her like gun and swords. Ben is excited when he sees them because he likes them too. The Ellie asks the big question and asks who Ben’s parents are. He says he never met them, but he knew their names and alias. Ellie forces him to spill it because she’s a sucker for mysteries, so Ben does.  
> From what Ben overheard, he had two dads who had unknowingly given their DNA to Weapon-X of Ben’s universe, because they wanted to make a mix of two superheroes. Both of those men were Peter Parker, a.k.a; Spider-Man, and Wade Wilson, a.k.a; Deadpool. Ellie, at first doesn’t believe him, because, hey! Wade is my dad! So Ben decides to show her his healing factor and ability to stick to walls. Ellie then freaks out, screaming that she always wanted a little brother.  
> So, after Ellie’s freak out, she christens Ben with the name Ben Parker-Wilson. Ben is happy to have a last name. So, they bond more, Ben helping Ellie with her homework, and Ellie giving Ben some packages of band-aids in case he gets some new scars. Then, Wade comes home late from a job with takeout and Peter is following him inside, a weekly ritual that he made to see if both Ellie and Wade are still alive. Ellie has a semi panic attack and hides Ben in the living room closet.  
> After dinner, Ellie is trying to find a good way to sneak Ben into her room so she doesn’t freak out Wade and Peter. Both of them notice that she keeps looking at the living room closet when they’re watching tv, but Ellie is good at making up excuses. Then, when Peter goes back his apartment, and it’s time for Ellie and Wade to go to sleep, Ellie sneaks down into the living room to get Ben out. They manage not to wake Wade up and make it to Ellie’s bedroom.  
> Of course, they get caught. Wade walked into Ellie’s room to wake her up to school and sees Ben. He screams, waking up Ellie and Ben. Ellie is practically forcing Wade not to call Peter, but he gets the call through, making the situation much more worse and dramatic. Peter arrives in less than fifteen minutes, thinking that from Wade’s call, Ellie sneaked in her boyfriend from school. It takes nearly an hour for Ellie to calm them down to tell them who Ben really is. Hilarity ensues."

so ellie’s just minding her own buisiness, walking home from school, when she sees this kid dressed in like a knockoff spiderman or maybe deadpool costume crouching behind a dumpster, which is weird enough that she walked right over and asked him what he was doing

he’s wary at first, but he says his name is ben and he’s trying to get back to his dimension, and ellie’s heard all her dad’s stories about dimension hopping and how he met different versions of himself before, so ellie’s super fucking stoked to finally get an adventure of her own

she convinces ben to come home with her and makes him tell her all about the battle, he was fighting a wizard when everything got turned upside down and his team and his world disappeared, ellie’s hanging on his every word, she tells him everything she remembers about wizards, most of it was just wade making fun of strange and peter complaining about loki and enchantress, but it’s all she’s got

ellie’s excited to have a friend over and immediately goes and picks the lock on wade’s weapons room that he thinks she can’t get into, which is stupid because he’s the one that taught her how to pick locks, ben is dazzled by all the swords and guns, this is right up his alley

eventually ellie gets around to the parents question, because usually when a kid as young as he is is fighting, it’s because they were born with powers, ben goes into his origin story, he doesn’t actually know that much about where he came from, just that he’s the result of a weapons x cloning program, a mix of two unstoppable heroes, spiderman and deadpool

ellie doesn’t believe him at first, but he can stick to walls and he’s covered in scars like her dad, ellie flips the fuck out, because if wade is technically ben’s dad, then that means that he’s her little brother, and she’s always wanted to be a big sister, she decides that ben’s name should be ben parker-wilson, since peter is his dad too, and tells ben that he can live in her room while he’s here

ben sticks to ellie like glue, he’d never had a real family before, or a full name for that matter, so while he’s here, they try to do all the sibling things they can think of

catch is so boring, so instead they steal some of wade’s knives and practice throwing them at the tree in the backyard, and when ellie sits down to do her homework before wade gets home, ben keeps trying to help but ellie keeps telling him that she’s the older sister so he’s not supposed to help her with homework, it’s the other way around, ellie shares her glow in the dark dinosaur band aids with ben in case he gets hurt again, because older sisters are supposed to look out for their siblings

and then wade gets home, ellie panics and shoves ben in a closet and tells him to keep quiet, wade’s back late with takeout and peter, who always comes over once a week just to make sure wade and ellie are still kicking, ellie’s nervous all through dinner and she nearly stops breathing when peter asks her if she’s ok

after peter goes home and wade tucks ellie in for the night, she sneaks back downstairs and takes ben up to her room, they get into bed and after such a big day, both of them are out like a lilght

the next morning when wade goes into her bedroom to wake ellie up, he finds ben and ellie sleeping peacefully, so he screams, because WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS GOING ON, wade gets out his phone to call peter to see if it’s legal to throw strange children that you find in your daughter’s bed out the goddamn window, so ellie jumps up and tries to tackle the phone away from him, and they end up wrestling on the floor, wade eventually just sits on ellie while he calls peter

peter is already up and getting ready, but he’s still too tired to understand what wade’s screaming about at like 6am, so he runs over still half dressed, and sits everybody down while ellie explains, neither wade or peter believe it at first, but they test his dna, and sure enough, he was telling the truth

so now the problem is how to get ben back to his own universe, wade offers to universe hop with him until they find the right one, which peter shoots down because they tried that last month when an extra tony stark popped up and ended up in the cretaceous era

since they don’t have a solution just yet, they decided to keep ben at wade’s house, peter stays over that night just to be safe and ben is absolutely dazzled by the two of them, like these are the people he’s made up of, they’re basically his favorite heros

peter indulges ben in his curiosity and shows him how his webshooters work, wade’s never seen a clumsier kid, he’s constantly patching ben up, and ellie won’t leave his side

they’re going to miss him when he goes home


	994. Chapter 994

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, au au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can you please continue the one where pete, wade and ellie are taking care of ben from a different universe? i really liked that one"

wade and peter are having a hell of a time trying to figure out how to get ben back to his own dimension, but that problem gets solved when a man peter immediately recognizes as an aged octavius shows up in the middle of their living room, grabs been, and disappears

of course there’s no way in hell peter’s going to leave a kid with doc oc, not even in another dimension, peter and wade bicker over wade’s transporter belt as peter insists he knows what he’s doing and wade keeps telling him what weasel says works better, they end up going back in time and sideways a bit through space, and through about twelve wrong dimensions before they find the right place

it’s nightmarish, the city is leveled, peter could only hear a handful of heartbeats even with his enhanced senses, they’re both on edge as they set out to find ben

an octobot attacks them, wade manages to rips off the arms and hold it down while peter reversed the signal to figure out where the bots were coming from, which led them to the classic mad scientist lair, they were absolutely geared up and ready to fight dystopian future doc oc, but as it turns out, the guy’s technically on the good side here, well it’s more like in the face of extinction, he’d rather have something to rule when he takes over the world

octavius had created ben, the only successful subject of a long line of failures, to aid the resistance, they were sorely lacking in numbers and hope

peter was torn, obviously they weren’t going to leave ben here, but they also couldn’t just leave these people to die, well wade could, but peter had to do that thing where he cares and drag wade down with him

right after peter does his big speech to wade about how he’s got to stay because it’s his responsibility to help however he can and thats what being a hero is all about, yada yada yada, the alarms go off and octavius informs them that the planet’s going to be destroyed since all the resources are gone, so octavius dimension hopped peter, ben, wade, himself, and what survivors they could find back to peter and wade’s dimension

octavius escapes in the confusion, and peter calls up the fantastic four for some help with the refugees, peter and wade adopt ben, ellie’s ecstatic to have a younger brother, until she realizes that younger siblings get all the cool shit and attention, she loves him, she really does, but she does not hesitate to throw down if he steals shit from her room, wade’s an anxious mess because his kids fight with actual knives and don’t listen to him


	995. Chapter 995

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, au au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can we have Peter and Ellie fighting with knives and the aftermath?? I don’t think Peter would approve"

so wade keeps trying to put all the weapons in the house behind some serious locks, but ben keeps getting knives from god knows where, and when wade tells him he’s too young to have knives, ben argues back that he’s been fighting people with knives, and then ellie says if ben gets knives then i get knives too because i’m older than he is, and wade is losing this argument

wade has to call peter up for help because he’s outnumbered and doesn’t know what to do, ben’s a smart kid, and ellie knows all wade and peter’s weaknesses, so the way it works out, is they can use knives under adult supervision, use not play, peter has to add

they set up targets in the backyard, and when natasha drops by to spy on them for shield, the kids rope her into a knife throwing contest, she beats them soundly and they demand she show them how to do that

wade only got knifed a few times and those were all accidental, ben lost a finger, it grew back, but he and ellie held a funeral for the severed finger since they didn’t know what else to do with it, wade wasn’t sure what to do when he walked in on that, but he said a few words since that’s what you’re supposed to do

peter confiscates the knives natasha sends them for christmas, they go over peter and wade’s heads and complain to “aunt nat” who somehow talks peter into giving them back, she’s very good at what she does

oddly enough, playing with knives all the time in their back yard proved helpful, ben is in ellie’s class since he skipped a grade, and when one of the kids got mad and chucked a pair of scissors at somebody, ben tackled the kid to the floor and ellie deftly caught the scissors before they could hurt anybody

they both got sent to the prinicipal’s office for “reckless behavior” and “attacking another student”, but wade took them out of school for the rest of the day to go get ice cream


	996. Chapter 996

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, touch starvation, character death, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What about touch-starved!wade?"

wade doesn’t actually know that much about or even care about spiderman, he’s just some guy in spandex that occasionally fucks up his missions, he’s not the guy’s biggest fan

that is until one day he gets burnt to a crisp when he’s trying to get somebody out of a burning building, he’d just been passing by and damn his conscience, he just couldn’t stomach the thought of somebody getting burnt alive like he had before, it was horrific, so he jumped in a window and got the last survivors out, just to have part of the building fall on him

when he wakes up, he’s not in the building, it’s quiet and the sky is turning purple as the sun sets, and spiderman is cradling what’s left of his charred body as silent tears trickle down his cheeks

as soon as he could feel his body again the pain washed over him, but underneath it all was the feeling of peter holding him gently, wade’s throat seized up and he had to swallow down his own tears, he just suddenly felt like crying for no reason

peter started when he realized wade was breathing, wade got up and peter asked if he needed to go to the hospital, wade brushed him off and said he’d be fine, he’s immortal, peter carefully carried him down the side of the building they’d been on and dropped him off in the alley below, peter asked again if he was going to be ok before he left

and when he left, wade felt like something in his chest tore in two, after that, it was hard to think about anything other than spiderman


	997. Chapter 997

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade Wilson is not Deadpool. He had no reason too. Because when he escaped the program Francis died in the fire and so did the program. Now Wade spends his days wasting away in New York until one night some idiot though it would be a good idea to mug him and Spiderman came swinging down and kicked the muggers butt in all his spidery grace. Now Wade used his Special Force training to find himself a cute little spider."

wade doesn’t really do anything, he just kind of exists day to day, can’t get drunk which takes away 90% of his usual activities, but hey occasionally he runs out of money and takes another job, he tries to stay low key, just takes regular jobs and walks away

he’s not looking for attention, he’s just trying to put that part of his life behind him best he can

he’s just walking home one night when some poor sucker thinks wade’s a good target and tries to mug him, wade’s about to break the guy’s fingers one by one when from up above somebody yells “knock knock”, tentatively wade says “who’s there?” because he just can’t resist, he’s got to know what happens next

a costumed man drops out of the sky yelling, “my foot!”, and landing square on wade’s would be mugger’s face, before back flipping onto the wall and sticking there, wade’s just standing there, open mouthed, peter salutes him and says “just your friendly neighborhood spiderman, you alright?”

and because wade doesn’t know what else to say he blurts out, that was a fucking awful joke, peter webbed up the would be mugger and hopped down, dramatically sighing and complaining that nobody ever recognizes his genius, an unsung talent well beyond it’s time, they’ll appreciate me one day

wade watches in amazement as spiderman just picks the comatose guy up off the floor and tosses him over his shoulder, like he’s picking up a blanket, he’s strong for his size

spiderman tells him to stay safe, eat your vegtables and stay in school, and just walks away into the dark, wade’s left standing under a broken street light wondering if that really happened

that night wade pulls out his laptop for something other than porn for once and looks up spiderman, the guy is incredible, wade’s so absorbed in what he’s doing, he doesn’t realize it’s 3am until he’s already read every article he can find and watched hours of shaky phone videos of the hero in action

wade’s found his new obsession, he starts walking around new york when it gets dark, hoping to catch a glimpse of the webbed wonder, it’s exhausting trying to keep up with the guy when he’s swinging around on his webs, convenient way to travel, wade buys a motorcycle

wade’s taken to driving around quiet parts of the city when it gets dark, earbuds in listening to police scanners as he tries to chase incidents, hoping to make it just as spiderman arrives

the problem is, spiderman doesn’t stick around long after he saves the day, either because he’s already off to the next emergency or because the police won’t stop yelling at him

one night wade’s on his way to a fire when he sees a little kid looking around like he’s lost, wade checks but there’s nobody else nearby, so he lets out a big sigh and turns around, stopping by the kid, wade’s one scary motherfucker, so of course the kid looks like he’s about to bolt, but wade holds up his hands and says he’s just there to check if he’s alright

the kid has a pokemon shirt on so wade asks him who his favorite is, and when the kid says some new pokemon wade doesn’t even know, he says, no way, magikarp is way better, which makes the kid laugh, eventually he says he’s lost and wade gives him directions to the nearest police station, he walks with the kid, walking his bike, until they get to the police station

wade puts his earbuds back in and swears when he hears that spiderman just left, he’s about to start his bike when spiderman drops out of the sky and lands on the handles of his bike, scarring the absolute shit out of wade as he swore

spiderman chided him, saying watch your language buddy, and then he thanked wade for watching out for that kid, he kind of had a fire to take care of at the time and he was glad he didn’t have to leave the kid there

peter’s about to go when wade grabs his hand and says wait, i wanted to thank you for the other day, peter stares at him and points at him accusingly, you’re the guy that didn’t like my joke, and with that he’s gone again

and wade laughs a little, because spiderman remembered him


	998. Chapter 998

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "more of the non-merc wade au where he is obsessed w spidey bc spidey saved him? and he didn't like his joke and stuff please? thanks loves!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Your new non-Deadpool Wade AU is absolutely darling. <3_<3 I would read so much more of that! Thank you, as always, for lighting up my life.”]
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I am living for that Not-Deadpool!Wade”

in wade’s endless pursuit to be spiderman’s biggest fanboy and keep his spiderman fan blog that he’s now dedicated his existence to running, wade’s gotten himself into a lot of trouble, and this week is probably his worst screw up so far

wade was checking out the last place the green goblin had attacked, except spiderman chased him off last time before he could get what he was after, and that meant that wade was in the wrong place at the wrong time when the green goblin came back to steal the tech he’d left behind last time

knock out gas fucks you up real good, wade felt like he had a killer hangover when he came to, hands tied with cartoonish pumpkin themed cuffs

since it was taking a while for anything to happen and wade was tired of drooling on the concrete, he had one of the other hostages pull one of his various knifes out of it’s hidden holder and jam it into the cuffs in the hopes that it would break, it did not, it electrocuted him real bad, so they gave up on opening the cuffs and instead tried to find a way out

wade used his special ops training to get everybody out of the building when it started collapsing, wade had to rig a couple of explosives to get past the overkill security, well he almost got everybody out in one piece, wade got a rebar pole stuck in his abdomen, honestly the worst part of that was talking down all the other hostages from freaking out, it also hurt very badly

peter found wade and the other hostages after beating up the green goblin, he started to say “we need to stop meeting like this” but then peter saw the rebar pole sticking out of wade and started freaking out a little, wade had to remind him to deactivate the hostages cuffs

peter tried to call an ambulance for wade, who just told him it was no big deal, yanked the pole out of his body, and immediately collapsed on the ground and vomited because of the pain

wade woke up in the hospital with spiderman and a doctor yelling frantically at each other, wade didn’t want to draw too much attention to himself, also hospitals suck, so wade got up and walked out, he absolutely left his clothes and shoes behind, he really hates hospitals

the next day spiderman dropped out of nowhere when wade was just walking to the store, minding his own business, peter said he’s been looking everywhere for wade, glad to see you’re not dead and also you left your stuff at the hospital, he handed wade a ball of webbing and said to give it like 20 mins and it should dissolve, and also how are you not dead

wade just wiggled his fingers suggestively and said he was magic, peter told him to stay out of trouble, and wade updated his blog from his phone


	999. Chapter 999

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, black widow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Nat and Peter kinda end up with this vaguely parent-child co dependant relationship where Peter communicates in one word bursts and Nat just knows. His spider brain trusts her completely so he'll point at her shiny necklace when he's anxious or having a bad day and go 'want' and she'll just give it to him. He returns it later when he's feeling better and she doesn't even question it. When she's having flashbacks or traumatic episodes he'll crawl up on the ceiling where she can't reach him and just call her name in a low soothing register until she calms down and re centres herself. They become extremely protective of each other and Nat and aunt May get along like a house on fire; May gives her a warm and maternal experience to draw off when she’s mothering Peter in turn. She took it upon herself to train the kid when he first joined the avengers and now they’re as good a team in combat as she and Clint are. Peter can even use his webs to hurl her around the battlefield"

peter doesn’t get along too well with the other avengers, despite how excited he was to become an avenger, he’s not great at communicating and when he’s having bad mental health days, which is most days, his brain just gives up on the effort, he’s constantly anxious which makes him mostly nonverbal most days when he suits up

but natasha doesn’t talk much either, and when peter first joined, they could enjoy each other’s silence, she took him under her wing and taught him how to fight, and how to take a hit

peter’s spider brain really likes natasha, since his spider sense hardly ever goes off around her, she just never acts aggressive towards him, and that makes him comfortable around her

they’ve been around each other so much that they fight together as well as she and clint do, they don’t have to talk, they just understand each other well enough to know exactly how they’ll move in combat, and outside of combat, nat helps him out when he’s having nonverbal days, peter’s taken to messing with natasha’s jewelry when he’s anxious, so whenever peter looks at her necklace or earrings or bracelets, she’ll take them off and hand them to peter, and when peter’s done, he’ll come find her and give her jewelry back

sometimes peter’s just as helpful to nat, she’s still working on dealing with her ptsd flashbacks, when she has episodes, peter will crawl up out of her reach and say her name in a gentle tone until she calms down, it helps her recenter herself when she focuses on peter’s voice, because peter was never in her bad memories, he’s safe

peter invited nat to dinner at aunt may’s, and it took natasha a while to accept, but when she does may hugs her like a long lost friend and says peter’s told me all about you, may and nat really do get on like old friends, she feels as comfortable around may as she does peter, and when she’s got a free day, she visits may when peter invites her, and sometimes when he doesn’t

the other avengers get jealous when nat goes over for dinner, because peter brought may’s lemon squares once for the team and all of them have been drooling over the memory ever since, well the only one who isn’t jealous is clint, because nat usually brings him an extra slice of whatever may made that night when she comes back, none of the others know about this


	1000. Chapter 1000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dermatillomania, trichotillomania

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Your dermatillo!wade gives me life and I raise you ; my boyfriend has derm and I have trichotillomania; so consider wade picking at his skin only for Peter to gently grab his hands, and Peter tugging at his eyelashes or ripping the hair from his legs only for wade to wrap him up in a blanket, thanks for your time"

peter and wade balance each other out in little ways like that, peter holds wade’s hands when they’re together and it keeps them both distracted, they’ve both been going behind each others backs to find little things that will help the other

wade’s started buying coloring books and leaving them around the house, because when peter’s doodling it keeps his hands busy, and since peter’s taken up knitting wade’s been wearing everything he makes, including mittens that make it hard for him to pick at his skin

the last time peter had a relapse, most of his eyebrows were gone, so wade taught him how to draw them in evenly, of course now that peter asked wade to stop him whenever he sees peter absentmindedly plucking at his hair, wade grabs the nearest blanket and just full on tackles peter, wrapping him up and calling him a human burrito as peter struggles and laughs


	1001. Chapter 1001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter owns a few dresses for the summer when it's very hot, so on one particular hot summer day Peter is out in one of the dresses because it's just very light and he doesn't get too hot in it and then some bad guy decides to fuck things up. And Peter doesn't has time to change into his suit because civilians are involved so he just puts on the mask and webshooters and beats the bad guy. And then social media looses its shit because Spiderman wore a dress"

back in high school peter was trying to figure out gender, so gwen gave him some of her old dresses to try on, and he tailored them to fit him better, even though he ended up deciding he was cis, he never left the dresses behind  
he’s got some light summer dresses that are great for summer when it gets too hot, especially since he walks to work

normally he’s pretty quick about changing into his spiderman costume, but today he wasn’t going to race an out of control big rig, so he shoved his mask on and threw his backpack in and alley, peter jumped in front of the truck and threw his weight against the grill, his soon to be ruined flip flops dug so hard into the asphalt that pieces of the road flew up around him, and after he saved the day he ran home to change so he wouldn’t be recognized

not even five hours later peter is scrolling through his news feed and grinning, there’s the usual outrage from the usual people, but then there’s the tags trending on social media with guys wearing dresses because they want to, and people praising spiderman for making a statement, and peter’s just happy that some good came out of just being himself


	1002. Chapter 1002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I know it's not been that long since you posted it, but I need more of Peter wearing dresses and maybe you can include Wade in the next one (:"

wade is, well he is what he is, and when he shows up to an impromptu team up with his own cheerleader deadpool costume, peter groans because did you really have to?, but then wade says spiderman was saving lives last week in a fucking sundress, at least mine is bulletproof

and peter realizes he really doesn’t have any right to complain here, he also realizes that of all the spider suits he’s made, fixed, worn, and designed, as impractical as they got sometimes, he’d never thrown in a skirt, and he loves wearing skirts

wade has a moment when spidey shows up in a new suit, his skirt’s web pattern crawling up the top of the suit with bright blue leggings just to keep up the color scheme, gwen tells him the skirt is impractical, he says so are hoods, touché


	1003. Chapter 1003

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, symbiote spiderman, symbiote deadpool, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Both Peter and Wade wore the Venom symbiote at different times but their interactions with it were wayyy different. It probably leads to a very confused conversation at one point. Wade: "oh yeah, that little thing. Fun to wear but a bit violent even for me." Peter: "A BIT VIOLENT??!?""

when wade and the symbiote were bonded, they kinda tag teamed things, wade was already so reckless that venom spent most of their time just trying to keep his dumbass alive, and while venom tried goading wade into picking more battles and maybe rolling around in the blood of his enemies at times, wade already had a lot of practice ignoring stupid voices in his head, and venom didn’t handles the boxes so well

peter on the other hand got taken for the ride of his life, venom was more careful with peter, using blackouts to get free and whispering dark urges into peters brain as he found himself unable to control his fits of blind rage that venom was sending him into, the worst was waking up and finding blood under his nails, knowing someone had died and he had failed to save them

so when the topic comes up between them, wade remembers the symbiote almost fondly, it’s just a little to violent for his tastes, to which peter said, A LITTLE?!?!?!


	1004. Chapter 1004

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn, nsfw

peter and wade meet randomly at some bar when they’re both in civvies, they both get drunk and wade takes peter home that night

the next morning wade wakes up just a little hungover and then his phone goes off, reminding him that the social worker is coming with ellie in ten minutes and he’s not ready

and then peter walks in, dressed in boxers and one of wade’s shirts that’s much too big for him, and he’s caryying a plate of pancakes and wade is so fucked

wade is all like, look you’re hot and last night was fun but you have to leave now, and peter trying to talk him into at least letting him have breakfast first because come on dude, i just made it and i’m starving

when the doorbell rings wade panics and shoves peter into the bedroom and tells him not to come out, it’s his daughter, and then he goes to open the door, then realizes he’s not wearing pants, goes back upstairs, tells peter to shut up as he grabs some clothes and shuts the door behind him again

the social worker is very judgey and wade suddenly feels like he should have washed the scuff marks off the kitchen floor yesterday or something, he’s totally panicking, he tells ellie to go put her backpack in her room, which is a bad decision because now he’s alone with the social worker and he can’t do small talk

she goes through the usual checklist as wade tries not to think about the naked guy in his bed right now and hopes she’s not doing an inspection today

wade clears his throat as he smells pancakes and remembers the kitchen, he excuses himself and stops dead in the doorway, peter, all dressed back up like a nerdy hipster, is making pancakes and eggs and pouring ellie a glass of milk as they talk about her classes

wade’s just standing there as the social worker brushes past him and peter introduces himself as a friend of wade’s, said wade let him stay last night since he had to work late and his car broke down on the way home

they all sit down to breakfast, and peter is charming the socks off of judgey social worker, and wade’s kind of confused as to how this all worked out, but he relaxes a little and lets ellie steal half a pancake off his plate

the social worker is asking peter questions about himself, and wade’s hoping he’s not like a former convict or anything because that would be bad right now, but it turns out he’s like a fucking angel, he’s in college, working on an engineering degree, volunteers in his spare time, loves his aunt and photography, basically he’s making wade look good

peter sticks around the whole time the social worker and ellie are there, ellie loves peter, he pretended to be a dinosar and gave her a piggyback ride up to her room so she could collect her things to go

the social worker told wade she was happy to see that he was surrounding himself with “people he wants to emulate”, it felt a little insulting, but hey he’ll take it

when they’re alone, peter tells him his daughter is sweet, wade tells him to fuck off and starts cleaning up breakfast, peter, being raised by may, helps out, and says sorry for butting in but he’s always wanted to meet ellie

and wade asks him what he means by that he never told him about his daughter, and peter looks at him funny and says yeah you did, you tell me about her all the time

and wade just goes wtf, because wtf, and peter ask did you not know it was me?, and wade goes who, and peter lets out a heavy sigh and holds up his hands in the little web shooter motion and says thwip thwip

and wade goes you’re…, and peter nods, and wade asks you knew it was me then?, and peter says yeah, and wade laughs because none of this sounds real, so wade tells him to prove it, so peter just suctions his hand to wades face and lets him struggle until he admits that fine ok right

and peter wraps his arms around wade’s neck and asks him if he’s ok, and wade is not ok, he just slept with his best friend, found out after the fact, and now he’s gotta keep not spidey around so that his social worker thinks he’s “reinventing himself” or whatever, so he can’t be mad at him right now

and then peter kisses him again and he’s not as mad anymore, and wade sighs and slumps into peter’s shoulder and wraps his arms around him because it is pretty nice right now, he asks peter if he’d want to come back around next time ellie comes over, and peter asks if he can come over when she’s not here too and waggles his eyebrows like wade does and it sends them both into a fit of giggles

and that’s how peter forcibly thrust himself into wade’s life, accidentally sort of not really


	1005. Chapter 1005

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "“Totally random thought. You know how there’s lots of fics where one or more of the characters is on tumblr as a fan of something? What about one where Person A sneaks a look at person B’s tumblr expecting to get a look at their ships but instead it’s wall to wall porn . . . Naturally this leads to them being caught scrolling Person B’s feed which then leads to good old fashion smut :D” stoke this from @geekygaydude but as identity porn And most people would think Deadpool is the one with the tumblr but here me out. Spider-Man is always scrolling through tumblr but he keeps his phone angled away from Deadpool and then one day Spider-Man sets his phone down (on purpose or not he left it unlocked) to use the bathroom or something (they’re at wades playing video games) and so Deadpool goes through tumblr and he see this like regular or hardcore BDSM porn and SM catches him and smutty stuff happens."

so peter and wade are just hanging out at peter’s place, and wade has noticed that peter is always on his phone, and he always has it angled away from everybody, which is suspicious as hell, so of course wade has to know what he’s looking at

so when peter puts down his phone to get a drink, wade lunges for the phone as soon as he’s gone

it’s porn, its incredibly filthy porn, just pages and pages of it, wade’s so caught up in scrolling through it that he doesn’t realize peter is back until he grabs his phone back

peter goes absolutely red and tries to defend himself, he says it’s not what it looks like, it’s for photography, he’s just trying to study erotica

and wade’s not buying it, so he asks peter if he’s looking for a model, and for some reason peter’s less embarrassed and he asks if wade is being serious, and wade says yes

which is how wade ended up tied up and drooling through a gag as peter got his photography nerd on, which is way less sexy than wade was hoping for


	1006. Chapter 1006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade are exes, well wade and spiderman are exes, they both had a lot of problems going into that relationship, and that’s eventually what drove them apart, peter with his paranoia and black and white views clashed with wade’s relapses and choices, they just kept fighting constantly and in the end they split up, but they never fell out of love

so years later, when peter and wade have changed on their own, peter’s a lot more beaten down, he’s put a lot more trust in wade as his friend and wade even knows his identity, and wade’s learned to cope better, actually put some work into reading up on his problems and gained self confidence he didn’t have before

and this time they don’t even try, it just clicks, and this time around they put more faith in each other and try to understand the other better, it’s not easy, and they still fight, but this time they make up too


	1007. Chapter 1007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

peter and wade are fighting some lust demon thing and peter gets hit with some weird smoke, and when wade gets to him peter just starts clinging to him and showering him in compliments

so wade freaks out and takes him to person after person, trying to figure out how to reverse the love potion, eventually he trades a favor to loki and loki fixes it and when wade asks how loki fixed him, loki says it was easy after he realized it was a truth curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crockzilla wrote this post based on my prompt, they also have an ao3, Crockzilla


	1008. Chapter 1008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au

wade is a black market canadian maple syrup dealer, and peter runs into him at the grocery store at 3am when he’s about to buy some generic syrup and wade like fucking slaps it out of his hand and tells him, you don’t want that crap, i’ve got the real stuff in my truck


	1009. Chapter 1009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker, genderfluid wade wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "How do you feel about trans!Peter helping genderfluid!Wade be happier with his identity, cause big, muscly mercenary is kind of just laughed at when he wears dresses and can't embrace his femme side?"

i mean to be fair, if anybody were to laugh at wade, he’d probably just shoot them, great solution to transphobes

but peter gets it, and that in and of itself is so helpful to wade, because he doesn’t have people he can talk about this with, and when he’s having bad dysphoria days, peter keeps telling him that he’s beautiful no matter what

wade feels comfortable enough to go dress shopping when peter’s with him, because before peter, he did all that online, which absolutely sucks since you can’t try anything on, and peter’s such an angel, he tailors all the clothes wade gets so the skirts and dresses will all fit him right

wade’s already taller than peter, but with those extra few inches that heels add, wade towers over him and peter loves it, and wade loves that peter can still sweep him off his feet


	1010. Chapter 1010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, mechanic au

peter is a mechanical engineer, he works for a big car manufacturer

but today he’s just so tired of car shit, he doesn’t want to deal with it himself today when he’s driving home and his hood starts smoking blue

he’s already like right next to a car place, so he pulls in and he’s about to tell the mechanic whats wrong with his car when he sees the mechanic

he totally pretends to know nothing about cars so he can hang around wade more


	1011. Chapter 1011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mechanic au, no powers au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More mechanic au please? Love the blog!"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), “Omg. More of the mechanic Peter and mechanic Wade lifestyle! I want to see how that interaction goes!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More mechanic au please! I love your blog sm btw ❤️”

“you’re the expert” peter says, like a liar, when he brings in his car again after going to town on his exhaust system with an actual hammer

wade’s a little concerned about what peter’s doing with his car to practically break it every other week, but he’s also not exactly complaining either, peter is cute and when wade starts using the technical names for everything when he describes what’s wrong, he can tell peter’s not paying attention, he’s caught peter staring at his lips one too many times and it’s absolutely feeding his ego

peter knows wade is trying to impress him because he’s started coming up with bullshit to make himself sound impressive, and peter has to resist the urge to tell that one guy who is totally a dick and is trying to get him to pay for some crap or other that’s completely made up just so he can bleed his wallet dry, that he knows more than the guy does, he literally builds goddamn cars for a living

every time wade asks peter about his job, peter starts to sweat, because he’s a godawful liar and he keeps saying things like, yeah i work at that factory that way *vague pointing in the wrong direction*, and that he mostly just does paperwork, about stuff

and then one night wade gets bored and remembers peter parker, and he does a search on the guy, because he’s just that kind of person, and like right there on his public facebook profile is his aunt congratulating him on winning an award for inventing 2018′s cleanest car, like no joke the whole fucking car, and wade kind of chokes on the beer he’s drinking and suddenly it all makes sense, that and wade groans because that means peter’s known exactly how much bullshit he’s been spewing to make himself sound more impressive, god he probably sounded like a dick

the next time peter has his car towed in, wade cuts the bullshit, finds the line peter cut and tells him next time if he wants to keep driving, maybe don’t take a pair of pliers to your fuel line, and peter goes absolutely red because he has been found out and oh no

but wade leans against the car and asks peter if he’d like to talk about cars tonight, say over dinner, and peter is mortified, but of course he says yes, and he brings the nice company car that he never drives, just to impress wade, and it works because wade’s a massive geek just like peter and they spend the whole night talking about the junker wade’s restoring, and maybe wade invites peter over to his place to have a look at it

they fuck on the car, not in it, that would be too practical, and because they’re both massive geeks who have had this exact fantasy forever


	1012. Chapter 1012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade knows peter is spiderman and breaks into his apartment pretty often to hang out. Wade also seems to have a knack for finding peter in compromising sexual scenarios, which is awkward. One day he walks in on peter jerking it, and peter says “....look, either give me a hand, or leave”"

wade’s got the worst possible timing, every single time, peter just wants to be able to walk around his own goddamn house naked, without fearing being caught by his friendly neighborhood intruder, and every single time, wade walks in on him in a compromising situation

first it was the shower, when he was moaning very loud and came out to find wade eating his leftovers and telling him he could be a pornstar with a voice like that

then it was the time wade went through his mail before he got home, and opened up the box of sex toys he’d bought, he kept hearing about that one for weeks

and then he crawled in peter’s bedroom window when peter was trying out said sex toys, and peter was so fucking done with it all at this point that he jokingly told wade to either lend a hand or get the fuck out

wade’s basically walked into one of his wet dreams, so when peter offers, he drops to his knees and goes to town on peter, who ends up reluctantly telling him his mouth is actually good for something

after that, peter maybe doesn’t mind so much that wade’s got perfect timing


	1013. Chapter 1013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool, depression, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "An au where Peter kept the symbiote, and has a tentative slow burn with lady deadpool. Symbiotes keep the memories of any host they've bonded with, and Wanda had used venom before. Naturally Peter, who was initially frustrated by Wanda, begins to understand by experiencing the hell in her life with venom's indirect help,and begins to express compassion towards her"

peter and wanda don’t get along at first, in fact peter really doesn’t like when the merc shows up since things always seem to go wrong when wanda’s around, but venom’s not having any of that, venom remembers what it was like bonding to wanda and exhausting themselves trying to keep her alive, so when peter gives her any shit, venom makes sure peter experiences things from her point of view

and shit, peter fucked up, wanda’s dealing with so much shit he’s surprised she’s even functional most days, like he thought he had it bad before the antidepressants, but wanda’s been suicidal for years and there’s not a goddamn thing she can do about it, she can’t even die, and that feels like the biggest cosmic joke at her expense

so for once, peter takes venom’s advice and tries cutting her some slack, and maybe peter realizes through venom that she’s also got a thing for him, and peter’s messed up trying to figure out if he’s got a thing for her because of the symbiote putting feelings in his head, or because he’s genuinely getting to know her better

either way, venom has to deal with peter pining after wanda now and it’s almost as ridiculous as dealing with wanda pining after peter, venom has a feeling they’ll have to be the one to break the ice this time


	1014. Chapter 1014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, angst, murder, gore, no powers au, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is a serial killer/anarchist(your choice) who kills criminals, politicians who ruining peoples lives and country. Peter is the intelligent detective who tries to catch him/decode his identity. One night after a stresful day, Wade recognises him (cause he knows who Peter is) and without saying anything, he offers him drink and they talk all night long (and maybe have some hot times lol)"

peter and deadpool have been doing this dance for months, wade gained a whole task force after his first kill, a congressman that made sure his state was ass backwards and took money away from children’s healthcare, because it was brutal and he left a message saying he’d be back for the next crook that was killing their own

peter was almost excited to be in charge of this task force, and then he realized that this guy was fucking impossible, most likely already a serial killer since he seemed to know what he was doing, no evidence, no witnesses, no mistakes

a little part of him understood where the guy was coming from, peter knew people that were actively dying because of the way things were being run, people that were terrified for their lives because with the way things were heading, the people in charge were making it very clear they’d personally kill them if they could, and peter knows these people are law abiding criminals, but murder isn’t the way to go

peter lost another politician right under his nose, bomb got their car and peter was working late picking up burned pieces of his most recent failure, he’s tired of all the death

his chief told him to take a break, he’s starting to look like the living dead, peter’s insomnia almost laughed at him, but peter did go straight to the bar after work, hoping to drink the sight of melted pantsuits out of his brain for a few hours

wade was at the same bar, celebrating his most recent victory, when lo and behold, detective parker waltzed right in, guy had more bags under his eyes than anybody should, and wade almost felt bad for him, wade is very good at what he does after all

wade sent a strong drink peter’s way and gave a wave when peter turned a confused eye on him, to his surprise, peter came over and started chatting him up, so he turned up the charm and got his technically arch enemy in bed that night, and then the next night, and the next, and he almost feels bad that peter’s bouncing ideas about work off him after a month, because wade is taking full advantage, he’s also starting to question himself for the first time since he started this whole thing, and that feeling is a bitch and a half


	1015. Chapter 1015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, vouyerism, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, “Our showers are on the opposite sides of the same apartments and sometimes we’re showering at the same time and I can hear you moaning”

it’s purely accidental on peter’s part, he just steps into the shower and doesn’t give half a thought to his next door neighbor doing the same thing, until a very loud moan slips through the wall, peter just freezes and he’s in that moment of, maybe i didn’t actually hear that and i’ve been up for so long that i’ve started hallucinating, but then it happens again and peter feels so guilty when he starts getting hard, but he still bites his lip and masturbates to the sound of some guy getting off in the shower

peter honestly wasn’t trying to make it a regular thing, but he finds himself stepping into the shower every time the pipes start rumbling, like some kind of pavlovian response, and it’s all well and good until peter accidentally moans back one day, and the guy on the other side goes quiet, and peter’s about to be the first person to die of sheer embarrassment, when his neighbor suddenly picks up the pace and gets real vocal, and peter tries not to think about how this is definitely for him

peter knows his neighbor has caught on, because now even when peter goes to take a shower first, the moans start up and peter’s been caring less and less and getting louder and louder in the shower

and then it all goes to shit when peter opens his door to leave the exact same time as his neighbor, and for the first time, peter sees wade’s face, he goes a strange mix of deathly pale and blazing red and steps back into his apartment and shuts the door, because what in the hell are you supposed to do when you see the guy you’ve been jerking off to for the last few months

the knock makes peter’s blood run cold and he’s so fucking mortified that he weakly says “nobody’s home” and tries not to die when the guy on the other side of the door, with the all too familiar voice laughs and tells him to open up

peter swallows his pride and opens the door, he can feel his face burning, but the guy, tall and muscly with that gravely voice and an absolutely shit eating grin, says shit you’re cute, and peter’s gone, he’s so gone, he’d do anything the guy asked right then and there, he’s in love and he wants to drop dead so he doesn’t have to deal with how absolutely fucking embarrassed he is right now


	1016. Chapter 1016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you continue with the shower-moaning thing? I started to REALLY ship that."

wade was actively delighting in making peter a blushing mess and peter was really starting to hate the guy, after peter let him into his apartment, wade talked him into becoming sex friends, well not so much talked him into as started to offer and peter agreed without even thinking, and peter can’t even get really mad at him because he’s just so fucking hot and so, so very good at sex

there’s only one problem, peter’s starting to catch feelings, and he’s not supposed to get feelings in this relationship, that was kind of the whole goddamn point, but his dumbass brain decided to fuck him over one more time

wade doesn’t seem to have any qualms about showing up on peter’s doorstep with a bouquet of roses on valentines day “for his fuck buddy”, and it’s really fucking with peter’s head, because everything wade says sounds like a flirtation and peter, for the life of him, cannot tell if it’s genuine or not, he went into this relationship ass backwards and he’s suffering the consequences

wade still jerks off in the shower, but peter doesn’t listen in anymore since the last time he did, wade came with peter’s name on his lips and peter just couldn’t take it, he’s going to die an early death and it’s going to be wade’s fault

peter’s been absolutely agonizing over this for literal months, it’s slowly eating away at his soul, so one night, while peter’s throwing away used condoms and wade’s lying on the bed, absolutely fucked out, wade casually asks peter if he wants to go out sometime, like on a date, and peter loses his goddamn shit

he grabs a pillow and starts beating wade with it, because he’s been slowly killing himself over this for ages you asshole, and you just fucking say it!?

peter does go on that date though


	1017. Chapter 1017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, song fic, amnesia, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "OMG. The Beach by Neighbourhood fits so well with Peter and Wade! Like “I’m sick and I’m tired too. I can admit I am not fireproof. I feel it burning me, I feel it burning you. I hope I don’t murder me, I hope I don’t burden you.” I have been thinking this for a week and can you songfic this?"
> 
> [The Beach by The Neighbourhood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=8&v=DujKJ1OaLQE)

wade’s sweating bullets, he gets to his place and throws some old clothes on peter, takes off his mask and yanks on a hoodie, he sprints to the hospital, a wave of nausea hits him as the smell of disinfectant and new latex washes over him like a tidal wave

he doesn’t remember most of what he said, but the nurses are kind, they let him in the room when peter’s waking back up again, the doctor says they almost lost him, says it’s a miracle, wade’s got tears in his eyes when peter’s flutter open, but his face is blank and when he sees wade he asks, “who are you?”

the doctor says he should start remembering things after about a week, the nurse asks if wade wants to help peter into the wheelchair, wade didn’t hear her, peter did

wade takes him to may’s place, may and him have met once before, peter awkwardly introduced him as a friend and wade felt too self conscious to ever come back, may’s in wade’s arms, crying quiet so peter doesn’t hear, she’s just as afraid of losing peter as peter is of losing her

may makes wade stay in the guest bedroom and he helps out around the house as they wait for peter to start remembering something, to trust them again, he’s having a hard time dealing with how worn may is now, he never did give her an easy time

it’s been two weeks and wade’s still cooking dinner while may goes through old albums with peter, when wade helps him into bed that night, peter kisses his cheek and says thanks for giving me time, and wade doesn’t know what that means

after a month, peter is doing everything on his own again, the stitches are healed and he’s still just as clueless as he was in that white hospital room, he says he wants to go back to his apartment, wade takes him there and peter asks if he’s really this much of a slob still

peter asks wade to move in with him after three days of lonely insomnia and the vague unsettling feeling of being able to feel the air touching his skin, wade just asks if he’s sure and takes the couch until peter tells him that can’t be good for his back and makes him sleep in bed with him

in the mornings, peter stays in bed and wade tells him all the things he can’t remember, and then peter asks when they got together, and wade’s so confused, he says they never were

peter’s quiet for a while, then he asks what the hell are we doing, wade doesn’t have an answer for that, peter doesn’t either


	1018. Chapter 1018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "deadpool and peter parker from the spiderverse (aka the best peter to ship with wade, besides the comic one, mcu spideypool can choke) where peter just got done eating the burger miles bought him and then later that night he hunts down deadpool and begs wade to buy him another burger, and of course wade grants his middle-aged spider hobo’s wish"

man i love how peter’s such a fucking mess, like he’s so caught up doing the one thing he’s good at that he barely remembers to like do normal person things that keep him alive, like taking a fucking shower one in a while and eating and getting more than half an hour of sleep a week, like he’s the idiot that will be getting beat up in battle because he forgot to sleep for too long and his body is shutting down in protest and he’s just trying to fight this one last guy before he passes out again

he and wade have known each other for a while, they have an off and on again relationship though neither of them have ever talked about it, when peter’s three steps away from blacking out, sometimes he’ll go find wade and try to sweet talk him into getting him something to eat, wade is also a fucking mess, he doesn’t actually have any money even though peter thinks he’s always got some stashed away for emergencies, he actually just goes and steals something

sometimes peter’s too late, and wade will find him passed out on a roof somewhere, very clearly dying if it weren’t for his super powers, wade let peter have an extra room at his shitty apartment for when he needed to whip up another batch of web fluid, peter’s always sleeping in web hammocks wherever he pleases, and sometimes wade just tells him to take the couch for crying out loud


	1019. Chapter 1019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, murder, gore, blood monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Monster au. Pete was bit by a mysterious vampire named Venom after finishing a lab late at night. He wakes up feeling unlike himself. He's much faster, stronger, and... Paler? And begins to have cravings of blood. His inability to suppress his hunger often, if not killed everyone, except for a scarred girl who just couldn't die. Curious, Peter stalks her, until she confronts him. He finds out that she can't die because she offended death itself."

venom is an old creature, having lived out of time so long that they’re no longer human in any meaning of the word, or perhaps they never were, they’ve been alive for so long, and peter has the misfortune of being their next victim, maybe it was the fight in peter’s eyes that made venom hesitate, or maybe they were just feeling unusually cruel, but they let this one go, but not live

peter woke up in some black alley, able to see so bright he could have sworn the moon was a spotlight, his stomach kept cramping and roaring and his head swam every time he got near another person, his hunger won out and peter drained every person he could find, all except one, and when he came to, he started following her just to see if she was alright, or if she had become something like him too

vampire or not, he’s very bad at being sneaky, and she catches him, peter stumbles through his explanation, drooling all the while because she’s just too fucking close

she tells him he can relax, she can’t be a vampire because she’s already technically dead, she just can’t move on because she ticked off death, bad breakups and all that

she makes peter a deal, since having tons of people suddenly drop dead doesn’t exactly make her feel safe, she’s basically immortal and she doesn’t fancy up and reinventing her identity again after she just got an apartment, she lets peter drink her blood, now that he’s gotten past the initial transformation, he only needs blood once a month, and she’s willing to put up with this bullshit if it means peter keeps quiet


	1020. Chapter 1020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "what about peter can see/hear wade’s boxes for some reason?"

wade threw himself in front of peter when they were fighting enchantress and the strange green magic she threw at him…, well to put it simply it glitched and melded peter and wade’s minds, and it’s really fucking annoying and neither of them can figure out how to turn it off

every time peter thinks “don’t think about your secret identity” which is all too often, he disrupts the thought by just chanting random math formulas, wade’s upset that he learned something by accident, and since peter can hear wade’s boxes, he’s been snarking them ever since he realized he could talk to them, wade thinks it’s hilarious since it makes the boxes angry

on the bright side, they’ve been accidentally helping each other out when one of them is in trouble, like even if wade’s halfway across the world and in a pickle, peter can still feel him freaking out and tell him to look for certain bathroom chemicals so he can make a makeshift bomb, and also tell him he’s an idiot and he should stop kidnapping small angry endangered animals from drug lords, i don’t care if they’re cute wade, this is the second time this month

and wade’s been having fun with it, he’ll wait until peter’s somewhere quiet, like at his aunt may’s during dinner, and he’ll think something that just makes peter laugh so hard his aunt starts worrying that he’s choking

peter retaliates by thinking the most unsexy things he can when wade’s masturbating, because he masturbates like all the fucking time he’s got no life, and just to rub it in, the boxes always help peter, though they’re usually way less nice about it

peter realizes one night when his insomnia is kicking him in the face and he’s binge watching parks and rec for the hundredth time, that he can get bits and pieces of wade’s dreams, and they’re about him, and they’re most definitely sex dreams and he’s just so wildly uncomfortable with this, and he’s got that nagging voice in the back of his head wondering if wade’s seen his wet dreams starring a certain merc with a mouth


	1021. Chapter 1021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.) spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I know it’s been like two minutes, but at some point when you have time, can you continue the AU where peter and wade hear each other’s thoughts/boxes?"

it wears off by itself after a few months, peter just wakes up one day and realizes all at once that it’s too quiet, peter and wade find themselves calling each other more often, just to hear a familiar voice, sometimes when they’re talking, peter will ask about the boxes, and wade won’t tell him word for word what they’re saying, but he does paraphrase a bit, and peter still tells them to fuck off occasionally

wade misses the extra voice in his head, truth be told, now it almost felt empty up there, even with white and yellow yelling with renewed vigor

peter starts getting antsy when he doesn’t hear from wade for more than a day, wade’s been texting him at least once a day, and after 16 quiet hours, peter’s ready to break into wade’s flat and start looking for maps or addresses

it kind of progresses naturally from there, peter has stuff shoved in the back of wade’s closet and wade has a garbage bag worth of things strewn about peter’s place, they don’t even discuss it when wade’s place goes up in flames, wade just goes home with peter and never leaves

and peter just listens with half a brain when wade’s laying on the floor and arguing back and forth with his boxes, and occasionally peter will jump in, usually bringing up flaws in wade’s logic, to which wade and the boxes will both get mad because that’s not how it works peter


	1022. Chapter 1022

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spider-Man and Deadpool have known each other for a grand total of four years, and while they haven't always been, they're now the best of friends. They do more than just superheroing together, such as eat tacos, play games, and generally just hang out as much as guys do. Deadpool knows everything there is to know about Spidey, except for the name and the face beneath the mask. Never once has he asked. After all that they've been through, Peter is considering telling. He just isn't sure how."

peter’s been trying to figure this thing out for months, wade’s a big part of his life, and he wants wade to be a part of his not so super life too, except you can’t exactly go on yahoo answers and look up “how to tell my best friend i’m a superhero”, because life can’t be that easy

peter gets the idea when wade mentions off hand that it’s almost his birthday, peter plans a trip to vegas, he’ll get wade in a good mood, so even if his reaction is shitty, they’re still in vegas and peter can just…. pay for a lap dance for him?, god he’s so worried this is going to blow up in his face

wade is definitely ecstatic when spidey shows up with his shitty car and tells him they’re going on a road trip, wade agrees before he finds out it’s a birthday present, they sing along poorly to songs they both think they know, although wade’s pretty flawless with lady gaga’s poker face

peter’s so nervous when he gets there, he actually drinks enough to get drunk, and apparently wade came prepared, because he’s on a mix of something so potent, he’s actually slurring through the evening

peter wakes up barely remembering the week, and wade’s like buzzing out of his skin happy, so peter decides that he must have finally told wade while he was smashed and he took it well

that is until wade pulls out their vegas marriage certificate peter doesn’t remember getting and wade says, “your name is peter?”, which…. well there’s several things wrong with that sentence


	1023. Chapter 1023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.) spideypool, violence, vegas au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More of the Vegas trip au? Love the blog thanks for being so great!!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Omg yeesss I love the Vegas au can we please get a part 2″

neither of them will admit that they don’t know jack shit about what happened in vegas, wade thinks peter gave him his identity and he forgot, peter thinks he forgot to tell wade his identity and is stressed out about that

and to top it all off they’re avoiding talking about getting a divorce because that’s just another level of awkward that neither of them is ready for yet

actually they both just never bring it up again and pretend it never happened, and that seems to work pretty well, it isn’t an issue since neither of them is even close to getting married much less not scaring off a partner after the first week

and then peter gets hit in battle, real bad, he knows it’s bad because he feels ok, his head is pounding slowly and he can’t be bothered to get back up this time, he’s tired, he remembers wade’s voice before he’s dead to the world

when peter wakes up again, wade’s sleeping in the recliner next to his state of the art hospital bed, branded with tony’s logo, he’s in the avengers icu, he can tell that much, but he was pretty sure that wade had gotten himself banned after the last time he popped a balloon animal in here and shocked wanda into imploding half the floor

he shook wade awake, and wade crushed him in a hug so tight, he could feel his stitches popping, which of course set off his alarm and had the doctors running in

peter asks wade how he got tony to let him in after last time, and wade says don’t be mad but remember vegas?, and peter doesn’t catch on right away, but then the doctor tells wade he can see his husband after they move around all of peter’s tubes and wires, and peter spaces out for a long while while it all sinks in

the others come in through the day, tony’s being passive aggressive because he didn’t get a wedding invite, rhodey comes in to apologize on tony’s behalf but ends up being just as petty and angry as tony, natasha and clint find the whole thing hilarious, sam and cap are hesitantly congratulatory, bruce thinks he just forgot about it and tries to cover himself, and wanda laughs at him because she knows peter forgot they were married until just now, and vision brought them a colander because he’s still a little confused on the whole what to do when someone you know is married thing and the woman at bed bath and beyond told him every newlywed needs a colander

and then may shows up, and if peter thought tony was overreacting, hell hath no fury like aunt may learning she missed peter’s wedding because he never told her about it, peter gets chewed out and wade can’t even run away because she told him “you’re next” and sat him down in the waiting room

once peter finally got in enough of the story to explain to aunt may that it was all kind of a spur of the moment thing and they hadn’t meant for it to stick, she gives him that “i’m your aunt and i know better than you” look and asks him why he hasn’t gotten a divorce then, and something in wade’s chest stops being dead and sad when he realizes peter doesn’t have an argument for that

and when may leaves, wade accuses peter, you do love me!, and peter tries to talk around it, but then wade starts singing and peter physically can’t get away so he groans and admits, ok fine maybe it wasn’t a bad thing and maybe i didn’t want a divorce and maybe you’re no so bad when you shut up for more than five seconds, and wade is _living_


	1024. Chapter 1024

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, touch starvation, coffee shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Okay okay so i was reading your stuff and cuddling my cat when i thought why not combine 2 of my favourite things, spideypool and cats... So like Peter owns or works at a cat cafe and wade goes there all the time cause hes lowkey touch starved and cuddling with cats helps a bit. Cue cute coffee shop AU with just a shit ton of cats Also i really love your blog!! The fluffy ones always make me smile and melt and the angsty ones almost always keep me close to tears ❤❤"

you….are a genius

peter only got the job because his aunt knew the owner and threw in a good word for him, and peter fucking loves his job, he can’t have pets in his apartment, so instead he makes up for it by being the single most enthusiastic employee there, he’s written up little profiles for all the cats in his spare time and can mostly recite it from memory

wade’s track record at keeping himself alive is pretty spotty to say the least, so trying to improve his lack of social interaction and human contact, he’s taking small steps and getting a pet, or at least he was going to until he realized if he’s this bad at keeping himself alive, then he’d probably end up with a dead hamster within the week

so he did the next best thing and found this little cat cafe that’s mostly empty late when he visits and has all the cats to himself, and lately there’s this new waiter and he’s just so fucking nice, since there’s nobody else there peter sometimes sits down with wade and starts rambling about the cats, wade might be in love after that time peter handed him a cat and bumped their shoulders together lightly, it was just a little overwhelming for him

peter’s been trying to get wade to expand his “coffee horizons”, he’s a little worried about wade since the only thing he ever orders is espresso in normal sized coffee cups, wade’s actually starting to like tea now

wade and peter both bemoan the fact that all the rescue cats that work at the cafe are adoptable and neither of them can currently have a cat, peter always makes sure to introduce wade whenever they get new cats, wade feels so goddamn special when peter takes him in back to see the kittens one of the cats had, they hadn’t known she was pregnant at the time and they still needed a foster home for her and the kittens

wade’s heart broke a little bit when he left the cafe that night


	1025. Chapter 1025

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, touch starvation, coffee shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could you please do a continuation of the cat cafe where Pete n wade work something out like wade adopts a cat and tells peter when he's working so he can go feed it n stuff and they become the worlds best cat dads"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More cat cafe AU! Please please please! I need more sweets!”

so peter has been very concerned about the cats, and nobody has room and they’ve got no idea what’s going to happen to them, and wade’s watching peter freak out, and it’s probably the whiskey he poured into his coffee and the social interaction high he’s on, but he says maybe, possibly, i can keep them at my place at least at night

and the way peter’s smile lights up his goddamn brain makes it all worth it, until peter leaves and takes all the sunlight with him and wade is staring down at McGonagall and her six kittens and realizing that this was such a bad idea, kittens are so small and oh my god they’re going to die, he’s going to do something stupid like accidentally step on them and they’re going to be dead and it’s going to be his fault

but as he’s sitting there on the floor, panicking, McGonagall picked up her kittens and started putting them in wade’s lap one by one while she wandered off to look around

and wade just froze, until the one with the kink in his tail started to wander away, he tried not to panic and gently scooted him back into his lap with the others, he got playful and started batting at wade’s fingers

peter was a little worried when he got to wade’s place the next morning to pick up the cats and the door was unlocked, but he walked in to find wade passed out on the floor, curled around the kittens as McGonagall came over to greet peter

it was the cutest thing peter had ever seen, and he doesn’t tell wade that he took about a million pictures or that it’s his screensaver now, and when may teases him about it later when he’s gushing about wade, peter blushes to his roots and realizes that fuck, he might have a crush on wade


	1026. Chapter 1026

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, fluff, coffee shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More cat cafe au??"

when the kittens get old enough, wade and peter shove them all in cat carriers and take them to the vet to get spayed and neutered, peter was impressed at how no amount of kitten claws could make wade flinch, wade was nearly crying inside because kitten claws feel like they’re made of papercuts

wade comes into the store in the daylight hours for the first time when the little ones are all healed up, they’re kittens so they all got snatched up pretty fast, and McGonagall wormed her way into wade’s heart, he ended up keeping her and son realized she was a great mouser, peter tries not to think about how many rodent are living in wade’s house

wade gains some confidence from having McGonagall around, she listens to his external monologues and starts waking him up in the mornings for food, which ironically gets wade on a normal sleep schedule, and peter still comes by to say hi and bring cat toys he got from the shop

wade got her a tiny wizard hat for halloween and peter lost his shit, he sent a picture to aunt may and she told him to him to keep this one

peter is so bad at asking wade out, he asks if wade wants to get a cup of coffee sometime, while standing in a cafe, like a fucking idiot, and wade says sure how about now, and peter says no wait i meant do you want to go with me specifically to get coffee, and asks like a date, and peter says like a date date

they still end up going to the cat cafe


	1027. Chapter 1027

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I know we see a lot about Protective Wade, but how about Protective Peter? Like, they go out in their civvies on a date to the movies. As they're waiting in the lobby for the theater to open, a group of teenagers see Wade's face and make some nasty comments. Cue Protective Peter, who immediately stomps over and gives them a piece of his mind."

they’re going to see the new captain america movie, the one that steve had immediately said was bullshit because they wouldn’t let his character swear, but like it was the fucking army of course he swore, #letcapsayfuck was trending

they’re there opening night because they’re both massive captain america fanboys, and while they’re waiting in the lobby, some asshole kids start looking over at wade’s face and laughing, very obviously

wade gets quiet and turns away, peter immediately stomps over to the kids and channels his inner “disappointed aunt may”, he yells so loud the whole lobby quiets down to see whats going on, the faces on the kids immediately fall, they’re fucking mortified, he marches the kids over to wade to force them to apologize for being dicks, and wade’s a little bit in awe because he usually has to shoot somebody in the gut to get that kind of respect out of anybody

wade’s still not so great after the whole thing, but having peter grab him just a bit tighter around the waist and glare ahead like he’s going to murder somebody with his bare hands makes it all a little better, also the looks on those kids faces were fucking priceless


	1028. Chapter 1028

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

wade was just lying around at home, bored, when he got a call from his favorite superhero, except peter had drunk dialed him, he was obviously trying to call somebody else because he didn’t let wade get a word in edgewise, he just said i need that favor now, and then he hung up

well what the hell was he supposed to do with that, it sounded like a bar, a noisy one, so he tried calling spidey again as he set out to start checking random places, peter didn’t pick up after that, but on a hunch, wade tried the place closest to their regular hang out spot, and he called spidey’s phone

some guy was passed out at the counter, his phone ringing in his hand, wade rubbed his face and groaned, because why does this stuff always happen to him, he picked up the guy and hoped to god this was who he thought it was, otherwise the cops are gonna show up at his apartment again


	1029. Chapter 1029

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hello lovely! I hope your week (end?) is going great and that you’re doing good :) I was wondering if you had anymore of the drunk-af!peter story? It’s very unique unmasking scenario, I love it! Tysm <3"
> 
> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), “Can we have more of the drinking one where peter drunk dials wade and passes out at the bar and then wade goes and finds him..? Is that specific enough? Love th blog!”

peter is… understandably confused when he wakes up, because this is most definitely not his house, or his couch, and when wade walks in the room, peter’s hands fly up to his own face, just to find one of wade’s masks there, wade reassures him he didn’t try and take a peek

wade hands him a glass of water and peter tries to ignore his spitting headache, he really fucked up this time, he was supposed to call matt, not wade, he’s only got like five people on his phone, so how’d he fuck up this bad

when peter’s a little more put together, he asks wade what it’ll take to keep him quiet, but of course wade says he’s not going to say anything anyways, and peter just doesn’t believe him, peter keeps pushing, so wade has to think of something to make spidey feel better about the whole thing, and he jokingly says go out with me

except spidey says alright, and then he leaves, and wade’s not sure if he was being serious or not


	1030. Chapter 1030

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, polyship, organized crime au, 1920s au

1920s au wade is a mobster, married to the lounge singer, vanessa, at the boss’s favorite place to slip away to the back room and make deals that he’s sure would make any normal man’s skin crawl

peter is the bartender, and he’s a quiet and unassuming kind of guy, because he’s actually a rival hitman that’s been sent to get information, and when the time is right, take out whoever his gun is told to point at, except things aren’t going as planned

wade’s got a big fat crush on the night bartender and he’s been using vanessa’s performances to pretend he’s not checking him out, and to get way too many drinks just so he can talk to the guy, vanessa thinks it’s adorable and keeps telling him to invite him over for a threesome sometime, maybe for keeps if he’s that in love with the guy, but wade’s being as shy as when he met vanessa and she had to be the one to ask him out

so maybe vanessa is going to have to hit on peter for her husband, which makes peter go absolutely red since he didn’t realize that either of these people actually thought he was hot, much less was flirting with him for the past few months, and god the more aware of wade he gets, the more he catches feelings, and that wasn’t in the plan

so now the real question is, what the hell is he going to do


	1031. Chapter 1031

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, polyship, guns, injury, organized crime au, 1920s au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you continue the 20's au???"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More 1920′s au?”

peter gets his orders and his decision is made for him, his next target is wade wilson, and a silly crush isn’t going to sway him, of course it all goes downhill from there

step one was supposed to be getting wade away from everybody else, somewhere without any witnesses, but there was a bit of a misunderstanding, and peter ended up in a fancy restaurant across from wade and vanessa because “i hope you don’t mind but my wife comes on all my first dates”, so peter drowns his frustrations in expensive food, and then expensive wine back at wade and vanessa’s

which is exactly how he ended up waking up on wade and vanessa’s couch the next morning, breakfast should have been awkward, but it wasn’t, wade filled the silence and everything tasted so good, and vanessa’s coffee was heaven, and this absolutely could not happen again

which is probably why it happens again and again, hell when there’s a police raid, since the lounge is technically a speakeasy, vanessa pulled peter behind a false wall to get away while wade covered them, and the week he called in sick, they insisted peter stay at their house where they could keep an eye on him

it’s hard to think about killing wade now, and vanessa would know it was him when he disappeared, and he liked her, he liked the both of them, but the job came first

or at least that’s what he told himself as he cleared out his apartment and left a note in wade’s coat, fuck new york, right, there’s probably less people dying out on the west coast anyways

too bad wade and vanessa had other plans, wade had apparently gotten the note much sooner than peter had expected him too, because he only got into town before somebody shot his tires out, and when he got out, gun drawn, a car pulled up behind his and wade got out, holding a gun aimed right at peter

peter slowly lowered his gun as vanessa got out of the car after wade and started to yell at peter, he deserved this, peter was absolutely expecting to bleed out on the sidewalk, but instead vanessa shot peter in the leg, which hurt like hell, he got shoved in the back of wade and vanessa’s car, after that he was given some really nice pain killers and it all became a muffled blur


	1032. Chapter 1032

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, polyship, guns, organized crime au, 1920s au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [spazkittyx3](https://spazkittyx3.tumblr.com/), "Ok, you set up the 20s au to have a next part, we need it *grabby hands*"

peter woke up on wade and vanessa’s couch again, except this time they were eating dinner, and peter was very confused about why he wasn’t dead, his leg however hurt like hell, and that part he was expecting

they filled peter in on what happened after he passed out, they went to their boss and told him that peter was a rival hitman who was supposed to take out wade, but he turned to protect wade and one of his boss’s men found out and tried to kill him, peter killed him first but got shot in the leg for his trouble, and that’s the story they’re going with so peter’s gonna have to play real nice with the boss because wade and vanessa plan on keeping him around

peter becomes the mob’s best kept secret, everybody really thinks the bartender shacked up with wade and vanessa, there’s only a handful of people that really know what peter is and what he does, and together wade and peter make one of the deadliest teams out there, plus the pay is really good too


	1033. Chapter 1033

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade’s the kind of person that’s in love with like every single one of his friends, and peter thinks it’s so sweet when wade starts taking about how amazing they all are, it’s adorable whenever he kicks the door open and runs to find peter and tell him about some cool shit cable did today and how he scrunches his nose when he’s particularly annoyed, or how domino pulled off an insane trick shot and basically cheated an entire bar out of 10k total and how she looks amazing when she gets that grin that means things just went her way the right way

it never fails to make peter blush when wade starts talking about peter the same way


	1034. Chapter 1034

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

ok so like peter has been with the avengers for a while, and one day, since tony’s paranoid af and has friday keep tabs on what peter buys online because a) some of the depression jokes peter uses scare him and b) peter once bought a taser because he’d never been tasered before and wanted to know what it felt like, friday tells him that peter’s bought a #1 dad mug

which when it gets out causes a minor war among the avengers as they all try to guess who peter’s going to give it to, tony’s been getting mean about his insults and even though clint’s pretty sure it’s not him, he’s started pouring salt in tony’s expensive espresso machine out of spite, cap’s been upping his “dad factor” by being even more obnoxiously preachy about the importance of “working together” and “eating salads”, which has sent bucky into a bad mood because steve is the most hypocritical bastard he’s ever had the misfortune of taking care of, and thor’s just buying blue and orange solid colored polo shirts and kakhi pants in his attempts to understand what a midguardian dad is like and he’s having so much fun, bruce is tired of clint putting salt in the life giving espresso machine and starts rigging his arrows to randomly go off

peter in the meantime had been buying a #1 mom mug for loki because ever since peter expressed interest in one of his mutant animal kids, loki keeps sending him pictures of his kids on facebook and gushing about them, it came with a #1 dad mug which he started using himself because somebody’s gotta take care of peter, and that person is peter, damnit


	1035. Chapter 1035

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman, avengers, angst, injury, murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/), "Regarding your post about Peter and the #1 Dad mug, how cute would it be if Loki's kids actually started looking up to Peter as a Father Figure! And Loki's like, "You are the only Midgardian I tolerate, and you are really good with kids. I will allow this.""

eeeeeh, i don’t know if peter would ever really be a “father figure” so much as a cool older brother

see, loki doesn’t have a lot of options when it comes to babysitting, thor is always willing, but it’s so damn hard to ask him for favors, and loki doesn’t trust any of the others, and this is an emergency, but peter is basically a slightly older child with asguardian strength, so he shows up at peter’s window with a sack of gold nuggets and a little blue kid with far too many arms and asks if he could trade peter for a few hours service

and once peter figures out that loki wants him to babysit, he says ok

it’s a bad idea because the kid is crazy strong and fast, and it’s all peter can do just to keep up with them the whole night, but eventually the little tyke wears themself out and passes out on peter’s chest, in a grassy field a state over, and the kid’s so heavy that peter has no choice but to lie there until loki shows up again to claim his kid and thank peter for the favor

after that peter becomes loki’s go to babysitter, now may’s got a picture of peter cradling a happy many legged horse like a baby on her mantle, loki’s kids are sweet, if a little destructive, but most of them can’t help it

loki may be the trickster god of chaos and lies, and an opportunistic twink at heart, but he’s a mother first and foremost, and he’s a good one at that

and maybe loki’s taken a liking to peter, and maybe one time peter goes down in a battle with a solid hit and a spray of blood, even though loki hasn’t been known to do much else than keep to himself, maybe he shows up out of nowhere with a red tinge in his eyes and blue racing over his skin as he grabs the cretin by the throat and rends their head from their shoulders in retaliation, bellowing rage as thor hurries to calm down loki before anything worse happens

peter wakes up in the icu with tony already asking him what he remembers, the first words out of peter’s mouth are “don’t tell may”, loki doesn’t come to visit, but thor does, and he says loki will be happy to know peter is recovering quickly


	1036. Chapter 1036

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, college au, no powers au

peter is just your average college hipster nerd, just with terrible fucking luck, when he was born the universe probably took one look at him and laughed, and it’s been laughing ever since

wade just generally makes people uncomfortable, manic episodes, missing his schizophrenia meds, face scared to hell, constantly muttering to himself and never being able to sit still, all gives him a reputation, and it’s not a good one, people tend to avoid him

which is why peter manages to trip into him and spill boiling coffee over them both, the look wade gave him shut him up so fast when he started to apologize, he actually bit his own tongue

ever since he gives wade a wide berth whenever he sees him on campus, and wade glares back, it’s that parker luck

and then by pure chance peter finds out that wade works in a kids place like chuck e cheese but with super heroes and more playgrounds, and he’s like lifting kids and doing tricks with fake swords and stuff and peter thinks he’s fucking adorable and ends up trying to figure out excuses to come back because maybe wade isn’t like as crazy and mean as peter though he was

and then peter realizes that he’s a fucking dumbass, because he’s been in gymnastics and ballet for most of his life, he can probably just do a back flip and get hired, and he was absolutely right

so now peter and wade have developed this bromance in their hero alter egos and peter’s so frustrated that that just seems to evaporate when they see each other anywhere else, and maybe it’s getting more and more frustrating because peter has a crush on him now and he refuses to ask wade out when he’s wearing that fucking spandex onesie, but that seems to be the only time wade will actually talk to him


	1037. Chapter 1037

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, college au, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [milkshake-sprinkels](https://milkshake-sprinkels.tumblr.com/), "Can you maybe write more of that college au with the chuck-e-cheese esk place?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Okay I know it’s been like 5 minutes but can you please continue the college au where they work at superhero chuck e cheese? It’s so good! Also I love your writing your blog is amazing!”

peter’s been trying to work up the nerve to ask wade on a date for weeks, he’s got it all planned out, wade has something in the language arts building on thursdays that gets out the same time peter leaves diffy q, and they pass by each other if peter hurries, and then he can catch up with wade and pretend he lost his mask and he can ask if wade’s seen it and they he can thrown in an oh hey since you don’t have any more classes today, and i’m just assuming this it’s not like i’ve been stalking you hahahaha ha, so coffee maybe? and this time i promise not to drop it on you?

peter is going to be the first person to die of embarrassment

all things considered, everythings going pretty well, he’d found wade and got his attention and he was about to ask him about the mask when peter almost ran over a little kid

peter had been so focused on wade, he hadn’t been looking where he was going and almost too late he realized there was a little girl in his way, and in a fit of panic and instincts mixing, he tripped and used the forward momentum to do a front flip over the girl to avoid running into her

the kid’s name was ellie, and she was wade’s daughter and peter felt his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces even while ellie was yanking on his arm and telling him to do another flip

peter does a lot of flips for ellie and when wade leans down conspiratorially and whispers to ellie that peter works with wade too, ellie gets a sparkle in her eye and has peter sign her “hero autograph book”, apparently ellie’s a big fan of the place they work

wade’s got a later shift than him tonight, but when he’s packing up to go home, he sees ellie sitting by herself at one of the tables, eating shitty pizza and drawing on a tablet, so peter decides he can catch the next bus and sits down next to her and asks what she’s doing

wade got dragged into helping search for a missing kid and wound up shoving himself through a bunch of colorful tubing, almost two stories up, just to find the kid fell asleep at the top of the slides, he’s already getting ready to apologize to ellie for breaking his promise and making her stay late with him again

but he finds ellie in the break room with peter, nodding off as peter reads a book to her that he had in his backpack, something about a little girl that can hypnotize people with her mind, wade almost feels like he’s intruding when he walks in and scoops a tired ellie up in his arms

he whispers thanks to peter, and peter flashes his perfect smile and tells him it was no trouble at all, in fact it’s the most fun he’s had in a long time, she even painted his nails for him, and sure enough, he’s got bright lime green sparkling nails

when wade buckles ellie into her car seat that night, he sees peter walking past the bus stop, and realizes he probably missed the last bus to stick around and keep ellie entertained, so he drove up next to peter and asked him, “howdy stranger, need a ride”


	1038. Chapter 1038

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool, no powers au, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More super hero workplace thing? The one with the chunky cheese vibe and peter chills with Ellie and wade goes to college with him ??? I hope that was specific enough thank you!!!"
> 
> Ask from [lambdash](https://lambdash.tumblr.com/), "Do you have a little more to share about the university UA where Wade has mental illness and he work with Peter in a superhero themed restaurant ? I really loved it!”

ever since that night, peter’s agreed to watch ellie whenever wade’s working odd shifts, and peter’s not that great with kids, but ellie’s grown on him, and vice versa

peter’s thrown for a loop when ellie just straight up asks him if he likes her dad, and peter very badly tries to bullshit his way out of that one, he starts avoiding wade more after that because if even a kid can pick up on it, then it was only a matter of time until he made wade uncomfortable

wade’s just realized that peter’s been avoiding him, he still babysits ellie, sure, but he hasn’t seen the guy once on campus, and peter’s been taking different shifts lately, and anytime he does manage to find peter for more than a few seconds, peter always finds an excuse to disappear, wade’s trying p damn hard to not take it personally, there’s probably reasons why peter hasn’t been around, he’s got his own life and things to do, he’s probably just busy

wade’s talking it over to himself in the car on the way home from picking up ellie from peter’s place, and she just looks up from her tablet and tells him, no he’s avoiding you, wade accidentally hits the brakes and ellie yells at him to pay attention to what he’s doing there is a child in the car

wade’s so caught up with what ellie said that the obvious doesn’t hit him until he brings it up with his therapist and she tells him to just ask ellie why she said that, so he does and she just gives him that look and rolls her eyes like her mom, and says it’s because peter has a crush on him but he’s too embarrassed to admit it, well fuck


	1039. Chapter 1039

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is a secret "product hoarder". He has a collection of soaps and lotions and bath products that would rival a Lush store. Pete says nothing about it, or the fact that it's taken over 3 drawers now, but if he happens to come across a shop selling bath bombs, he won't hesitate to buy a few for his boyfriend."

the obsession probably started around the time wade tried trading in drugs for skin cream, it didn’t work but he still hoarded skin cream, it felt nice and he liked the smell, from there it was just a downhill spiral, lush would send him coupons, and wade would buy more bath and body products, he really does like the smells

peter can’t help but giggle every time wade comes out of the bath trailing glitter like some sort of zombie pixie, the glitter bath bombs are obviously his favorite, and every time peter’s out and he sees some sort of bath bomb with a prize inside, he’ll pick it up for wade and their ever growing collection of tiny shitty plastic animals and garbage rings that are too small to fit either of them

peter is probably an enabler at this point, he doesn’t have the heart to tell wade no when he cleared out another drawer in peter’s bathroom for his new fall themed limited edition pumpkin spice and apple cider products, and you know it makes the house and wade smell better, so maybe it’s no such a horrible thing


	1040. Chapter 1040

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade and Peter are roommates that live in a "haunted" apartment cause it was cheap, and Venom is a demon that possess either of them occasionally. At this point they are pretty casual with the situation since Venom acts scary but in reality it just likes existing as a person every so often- plus cheap rent, so what do you do *shrug emoji*"

like wade and peter are both broke ass desperate depressed guys with barely enough for rent and some ramen each month to their names, if we’re being honest neither of them are healthy enough to have the self preservation to pass up on the apartment, really finding it was a godsend, the realtor wouldn’t go in the house and while they were there for the first visit, like blood started oozing down the walls, but peter, who has seen far too much shit to be swayed by this, just says he knows a guy that works at walmart and can get them some overstock cleaner when they have to throw out the extra

wade, who was so out of it since he hadn’t slept in three weeks said cool and signed on that day with peter, venom tries the whole scary haunting shtick at first, but peter just yells at him to shut up and wade keeps writing 69 back on the fogged bathroom mirror over venoms death threats and giggling

and then wade wakes up one morning to peter… acting weirder than usual, like he woke up at a normal person time, went out and bought actual food for breakfast, like milk and cereal that isn’t covered in sugar, and a whole ass grapefruit?? and then he took a shower and brushed his teeth and just went outside for a walk??????

so when peter woke up the next day and went back to normal, wade of course asked him what kind of shit he was on yesterday and how can i get some, so peter, who’s actually relaxed for once in his life, said that venom oozed out of the wall and crawled down his throat and took over, and he just zoned out while venom took care of his body for a day, and it was like the best thing ever

so wade goes around banging on the walls and screaming until venom takes over his body, and peter has to admit, it’s pretty fucking bizarre, he tried talking to wade, and he was either ignored, or wade spit out the same three lines about the weather over and over again

venom is starting to think this is a trick and either peter or wade or maybe both are some kind of shitty exorcists, because no matter what venom does, peter and wade just end up rolling with it or angry shouting at the ceiling for him to knock it off already, so venom tries laying low for a week, no possessions, no oozing slime, no scary night noises, and peter and wade get mad at venom for up and disappearing, and they start going to the library for occult books because they miss being possessed

venom draws the line when they start drawing summoning circles on the floor because this is venom’s goddamn house and also venom doesn’t really want another flatmate thank you very much, in a strange twist of events, sometimes peter and wade argue over who venom is going to posses that week, so they made a little chore chart type thing for venom to reference and hung it in the kitchen

as strange as it all is, it’s probably the best deal venom’s ever had, no waiting for new people, no secret possessions and no holy men and women showing up at midnight to try and “send his soul back to hell” as if venom ever had one to begin with, and despite themself, venom starts getting attached to the little weirdos, they start crying when peter catches them in wade’s body and gives them a shitty discount cake that says “it’s a boy” because it’s their three month anniversary and he and wade felt like they should do something nice for venom since they’re always taking care of them both


	1041. Chapter 1041

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> symbiote spideypool, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I had an idea. It's a stupid one, bit it's an idea. You know that blurb you wrote for Peter and Wade being roommates living in a haunted appartment? Well the idea I had is Venom becoming increasingly concerned because neither Peter or Wade actually seem to care about their personal wellbeing. So Venom starts possessing them to make sure they take care of themselves at least a little. Like if one forgets food too many times Venom pops in and scrambles eggs for a nice meal. Like Venom is a mum."

venom is seriously concerned that peter and wade have an actual death wish, like peter straight up forgets to eat for days at a time and wade will come back with a new bandage every time he comes home because he’s just so damn careless, venom’s taken to possessing peter and wade when they’re in especially depressive funks just to break the cycle and get some food in them and some basic hygiene done, sometimes venom does the laundry without possessing anybody because somebody’s got to do it and peter and wade have been wearing the same outfits for a month straight

venom’s taken up baking as a hobby, like they’ve got so much free time, and peter and wade both let them go to the store whenever and honestly venom’s never had this much freedom before, peter and wade leave the tv on foodnetwork because venom keeps switching it back to that channel anyways

venom keeps leaving vaguely ominous reminders in the bathroom mirror when wade takes showers because his short term memory is shit, venom keeps changing peter’s door so that it opens to his closet when he forgets to change out of his ratty sweats and into normal people clothes for work in the morning


	1042. Chapter 1042

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ellie has “girls’ nights” with wade and spiderman. They have tea parties, do each other’s nails, gossip, and play video games. Because of her dad’s...work, she gets the bragging rights to say that she hangs out with spidey every week."

i get the feeling that wade’s the kind of parent that will let ellie do just about anything, so when she argued that she didn’t want to ride her bike to school, she somehow managed to convince wade to get her one of those electric child sized hummers, so every morning she rolls up to school, barbie pink sunglasses and sticker covered mini hummer, the envy of her peers

most of her teachers think she just “has a big imagination” and basically treat spiderman like her invisible friend, she gets into fights with other kids that say she’s lying about knowing spiderman and that her dad is a superhero, she keeps trying to steal stuff from wade and peter to prove she’s not lying, peter keeps telling her that the webshooters aren’t toys and they’ll literally rip her arm off if she isn’t careful, basically she has to have them

well it all worked out for her anyways, because she forgot to charge her mini hummer last night and it ran out of battery on the way to school, ellie remembered what her dad had said about emergencies and decided this qualified, so she speed dialed spiderman and told him this was very important, she was going to be late for school

so maybe when ellie showed up at the front gate, getting a piggy back ride from peter, the other kids lost their shit, she was a god for about a week at school, she made people pay her to get autographs and ask spiderman questions, wade can’t decide if he’s proud or mad when he find’s ellie’s stack of cash and asks her about it

but suddenly her establishing “gossip sessions” each week suddenly makes a whole lot more sense


	1043. Chapter 1043

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "spiderverse peter having wade as a roommate and he comes back to their apartment barefoot, sweatpants and a dirty jacket over his suit, and he rips off his mask and wade just coos over him because peter looks so tired. peter takes a shower then he and wade eat snacks (that wade bought, wade happily pays for a lot of their stuff bc he knows peter’s money goes to may’s rent and his college debt), watch golden girls, and wade runs his hands through peter’s hair and teases his about the grey in it."

so peter’s just chill about everything, somewhere along the way he just stopped being surprised and started just rolling with whatever weird shit was happening this week, so when deadpool showed up and started fangirling, peter started flirting back, and it didn’t take long before he started mooching off wade, when he actually had money

it’s kinda freaky, it’s like peter’s got a spider sense for this kind of thing, because the day wade gets back from a job, peter’s sleeping on his couch welcoming him home, he’s also got the nose of a bloodhound so when wade starts cooking, peter comes running from halfway across town, he’s never once missed midnight pancakes

it took a lot of convincing for wade to get peter to officially move in with him, even though peter looks and smells like whatever back alley he got thrown in last night, and wade has a working shower, it’s always wade that has to remind him to take a real shower and not just use cologne like deodorant, because god it never works

but on those long days that peter comes back, like today missing his shoes, and heads straight for the shower, wade throws something frozen in the microwave and cuddles peter on the couch while they eat, just barely paying attention to the tv

peter tells him to stop messing with his hair, wade teases him about the grey and peter bats his hands away, says it makes him feel old, wade wraps him up in a giant hug and says he’s the hottest dilf he’s ever seen, and peter laughs and shoves a hot pocket in wade’s mouth so he’ll shut up

wade’s still playing with his hair when peter drifts off on the couch


	1044. Chapter 1044

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), "Okay so hear me out. Scars usually/sometimes are shiny and reflective of the sunlight. And there’s a lot of extra spidery AU but what about one where Spider-Man sees maybe just Deadpool’s lower mouth one night on patrol and his spidery side takes over and he becomes obsessed with wade and his scars. Cue potential identity porn"

so when you mash a human brain and a spider brain together, sometimes you get weird little quirks, like every time peter’s done eating, he has to resist the urge to wrap up all his garbage “for later”, and small dark spaces are like the absolute best, now he has to restrain himself from staying in the dumpsters he gets knocked into

and he can’t stay near street lights at night because he starts staring at the moths and other bugs that buzz around them and he can feel his mouth watering and his stomach churning at his mouth watering, and it’s just a genuinely uncomfortable experience and he’s scared that one of these days he’s not going to be paying attention and he’s going to try to eat one

and whenever something shiny catches his eye, he’s got this urge to just pick it up and keep it, he can’t walk by the jewelry store at the mall anymore since he almost got kicked out for stealing a diamond necklace once, he brings home bottle caps and foil wrappers all the time, and every month when he decides it’s become a problem and he needs to get rid of them all, his throat gets tight and he has to fight keeping all his junk because “but it took so long to collect it all”

so when peter’s laying on some roof, sweating his fear out at almost being eaten by a giant frog in real life, wade sits down next to him and pulls up his mask to spit out a wad of blood, and the sun is setting, and it hits one of the scars on wade’s chin just right so that it flashes over peter’s eyes

and then wade’s asking peter why he’s grabbing his face, and peter says i’m not grabbing your face, and wade pointedly tugs at peter’s hand which, shit, is super stuck to wade’s face, and they’re just starting at each other now

and peter opens his mouth and hopes a good excuse will come out, and he says it’s because he’s part spider, and wade asks what part, and peter says the part where he has to stick to people for warmth

and they’re still staring at each other because everything that just came out of peter’s mouth was bullshit, and his hand is still stuck to wade’s face, and he can see wade trying to decide if he’s going to call peter out on his bullshit or not

and then wade licks his lips and leans in uncomfortably close to peter, and peter’s hand pops off in surprise, peter asks what he’s doing, and wade says he’s part pool boy, he has to seduce somebody every six hours or he dies, and peter’s caught between taking the out and physically restraining himself from saying “you’ll have to try harder than that to seduce me”


	1045. Chapter 1045

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, character death, gore, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Can we have more shiny loving spidey? Where he loves wades scars bc they reflect light? Thank you love the blog!!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Hi! Would you please write more on the shiny scar AU?”

they both know it was a bullshit excuse, but it keeps coming up, and they keep playing dumb

like the time wade woke up in peter’s lap hours after he went down with the back of his head blown out, his throat was still healing and he croaked out why are you still here, peter keeps his voice steady and says wade was still warm, and he’s part spider

when venom nearly crushed peter’s throat, wade’s the one that fought off venom and drug peter to safety, he pulled off peter’s mask so he could breath and sat with him as the black faded from his vision and the ringing in his ears stopped, when peter tried to say thanks, he ended up coughing, it hurt so much he wound up on the floor, tears streaming down his face, wade picked him up again and wrapped him in a hug, he just said i know how you spiders like being warm

there’s the time wade took peter back to his place to patch him up, he’d lost a lot of blood and wasn’t holding up too well, peter passed out on the bathroom floor where wade was stitching him up, wade moved him to the bed, but when he tried to leave, peter already had a death grip on his arm

peter knows about how long it takes wade to heal from various injuries, and he gets worried when wade takes too long to wake up again, it was raining so peter was worried the cold was slowing him down, he wrapped wade’s corpse in a hug and waited, he felt a hand on his ass and asked wade what he was doing, he got a slurred “i’m part pool boy ‘member” back, peter laughed and told wade he was such an ass


	1046. Chapter 1046

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More shiny au?? Does peter ever tell wade the truth about the shine? How does wade react??"

so it’s less peter finally admits to it, and more wade’s around peter enough to see that he’s got a knee jerk reaction to seeing shiny things, sometimes he’ll get distracted in the middle of battle by metal glinting in the sunlight, or just something shiny he saw while swinging around, it’s cute

wade also takes full advantage by adding more reflective straps to his costume, peter’s suddenly all over him and keeps trying to make excuses for it, but they’re mostly past all that, they are dating after all


	1047. Chapter 1047

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

may would be the absolute best kind of parent to come out to, like when peter’s in high school, may’s talking to one of her friends, and they mention that their son just came out to them and they were so unprepared, and may just goes i should learn about this in case peter isn’t straight

and so may reads the articles and does the homework and fucking sits her ass down to learn, and as peter grows up, she makes sure just to flat out say to him several times, that if there’s ever anything he wants to talk about, she’ll always be there to listen without judgement

and peter just thinks it’s may worrying about him having problems in school and not getting enough sleep because he’s secretly spiderman, but actually she’s thinking that peter might be some kind of queer at this point, there’s the pride buttons on his book bag, and how most of his friends are queer, and the posters of iron man and thor in his room, and so may wants peter coming out to be a happy thing, so she goes online and buys a big old pride flag and rainbow themed party favors and decides that shes going to throw peter a party when he comes out

and it continues on like this for years, mj hosts pride club at peter’s house every other month and may makes snacks, peter has a picture of him and a boy she’s met once on his phone screen, and she’s waiting and waiting and he’s 23 and in college

and finally peter asks if he can bring his boyfriend home for dinner one night and may runs to the kitchen to get the flag and the little rainbow kazoos that have too much dust on them now and comes back and starts giving peter the whole “i’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me this and i’m so happy for you” speech

and peter actually looks confused, and he asks may what’s all this, and she says she’s been waiting for peter to come out to her for years, and peter starts laughing and apologizing because he absolutely forgot to come out to his aunt

may puts the flag up outside her house and peter’s boyfriend gets to hear the story all over again when may tells it at dinner


	1048. Chapter 1048

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, writer au

ok so peter works at buzzfeed and he literally just spends time writing about himself and coming up with dumb ideas about who spiderman might be, and he actually comes up with some pretty convincing arguments for some of the celebrity choices, but most of them are just stupid ANDREW GARFIELD ONCE WORE A BLUE SHIRT UNDER HIS HOODIE AND HAS NEVER BEEN PHOTOGRAPHED WITH SPIDERMAN, RYAN REYNOLDS CAN DO A BACKFLIP AND I SUPERIMPOSED IT ON A VIDEO OF SPIDERMAN DOING A BACKFLIP, WHY IRON MAN IS SECRETLY ALSO SPIDERMAN

and when one of the comments on his articles suggests some of spidey’s muscle might be padding, peter responds by indignantly writing PROOF SPIDERMAN IS A MUSCLY BEEFCAKE

and when peter gets his ass beat by the villain of the week, he goes and writes scathing articles on said villain, or at least he did until he got kidnapped by one of the angrier ones and was forced to write about how he had been kidnapped to get spiderman’s attention

except everybody thinks it’s a joke and peter realizes he is going to die in some dude’s basement unless he can think of a way out of here, so when the villian leaves the house, peter just…. breaks the handcuffs and a window and writes an article on how spiderman saved him when he was kidnapped

legitimately no one knows if any of it’s real or not, “saved by spiderman” becomes a meme, it means literally nobody knows if it’s real or not but it sounds really like it might be real, but at the same time….

at least once a month peter tries to convince his boss that it is absolutely necessary that he try to get an interview with the avengers for something or other, his boss always says no because they don’t want to deal with the legal fees of peter harassing one of the richest guys in new york and getting slapped with a restraining order

peter retaliates by writing articles on what the avengers might say if he were to interview them in real life, and it’s so spot on that he gets sent a cease and desist notice because they thought he was somehow spying on them

peter’s boss finally gives him the go ahead, but only if he can get an interview with spiderman first, and his boss thinks he’ll never get it, spiderman disappears as soon as the danger is gone and protects his identity with his goddamn life

so imagine how peter’s boss spit out their coffee all over the desk when they opened up their email the next morning to the article already written and pictures of peter with the masked vigilante already taken, peter literally just stuck his mask on a mannequin head and took selfies with it

the avengers only agree to the interview because if this guy had somehow gotten spiderman’s trust then he was either completely safe or knew a way to contact spiderman that they didn’t, either way peter spent the whole thing drooling over thor and asking tony questions about his tech that tony’s lawyer kept saying he couldn’t answer


	1049. Chapter 1049

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, writer au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Oh my god, can you continue the buzzfeed writer!Peter AU? I love this so much holy shit"

peter, despite working at buzzfeed, has his own wiki page, alleged kidnapping is an actual section on his actual wiki page, it’s a joke in the office and some asshole put up a chalkboard in the break room that says “days since peter has fantasized about spiderman” it’s got a zero painted on it and he doesn’t find it nearly as funny as everyone else does

peter once came to work in a shitty spiderman costume and pulled a matt the radar technician, pretending to be spiderman while saying shit like “i hear spiderman is shredded”, sure everybody thinks it’s funny, but no one thinks it’s funnier than peter, who is basking in the fucking irony

peter’s caught between a rock and a hard place when some guy shows up to the office in a spiderman costume, like a really good one, and asks him on a date, his coworkers suck because they started live streaming it, but peter decides to weasel out of it by saying this spiderman is a fraud and basically setting up a makeshift game show in the office and live streaming as he interrogates fake spiderman

now peter is just making shit up left and right and it’s throwing the guy off, “why did you decide to make your super hero name ‘spiderman’“, the guy rattles off the origin story and peter hits the buzzer they stole off somebody’s desk, “the correct answer is, because you didn’t have enough green fabric to make a gekoman costume”, and fake spiderman is getting angrier and angrier because fake spiderman is actually wade who is just as big of a spiderman nerd as he thinks peter is, and was really just looking for an excuse to nerd out and ask him what it was like to meet spiderman

“how old is spiderman?”, “twwww thrrrrr twenty nine?”, “the correct answer is spiderman would never reveal his age”

everyone in the office loses their collective shit when wade finally admits that he’s deadpool and the suit was a custom he’d gotten online, and then somebody knocks over the camera when peter agrees to a date anyways and the comments for the video come pouring in

peter’s wikipedia page gets updated with, possibly dated deadpool spiderman and thor, thor is more speculation because peter was drooling hardcore in the video interview he did with the avengers and thor being thor did not seem to mind at all

peter actually ends up becoming a minor celebrity, not famous enough to get recognized easily, but famous enough for random strangers at his morning coffee shop to ask him if he really got rawed by thor, peter does not like being famous

but at least the date with wade went well somehow


	1050. Chapter 1050

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, writer au, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask anonymous, "Oh goodness, it must have been really weird when Wade found out that spiderman fanboy/awful spiderman cosplayer Peter Benjamin Parker was actually spiderman"

see the funny thing is, he just walked in on peter changing out of a spiderman costume behind the office, and he thinks oh this man who is a massive nerd is going to play another prank on his coworkers

but then like, it’s been a week and peter hasn’t whipped out the suit and tried to pass himself off as spiderman, and come to think of it that was a really good suit replica, even had the seam in the shoulder where spidey got stabbed last…

ah

wade tries confronting peter about it, but every time he brings it up peter genuinely misunderstands and thinks wade is talking about his terrible dollar store suit and joking around

so wade tries going back to the scene of the crime and waiting for peter to change again, and when he sees peter look behind him and then crouch down behind a dumpster and start pulling his shirt off, wade jumps out and yells “Ah ha!” but peter was changing into his shitty spiderman costume and wade was losing patience, so he grabbed peter, sucked a hickey into his neck and stalked off, which confused peter until wade caught up to spiderman that night and yanked the neck of his suit down and yelled “Ah ha!”

peter slapped a hand over his neck and quietly whispered shit, peter asked him what gave it away, and wade being wade just said, lucky guess

wade goes behind peter’s back and lets one of peter’s coworkers interview him for an article called MY NAME IS DEADPOOL AND I MADE OUT WITH SPIDERMAN

to which peter wrote an article called TEN REASONS MY BOYFRIEND IS SLEEPING OUTSIDE NOW


	1051. Chapter 1051

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman, writer au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [helloiampac](), "The buzzfeed au is the most hilarious thing I have read all week. Are there any articles Peter just straight up refuses to write because they're too fucking embarassing?"

FIVE TIMES SPIDERMAN WAS THIRSTY FOR TONY STARK AND THE ONE TIME TONY STARK WAS THIRSTY BACK

TAKE THE QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHICH SUPERHERO YOU SHOULD BE HAVING SEX WITH

DOES SPIDERMAN HAVE POISON JIZZ?? LET’S FIND OUT

“SPIDERMAN WAS A WILD AND PASSIONATE LOVER” BIGFOOT TELLS ALL

TOO HOT TO TROT, SPIDERMAN COULD PULL OFF BLACK WIDOW’S MET GALA LOOK, YA’LL ARE JUST MEAN

OPINION: I MAY NOT BE A “REAL” JOURNALIST BUT NEITHER IS J.J. JAMESON

THOR IS THE HOTTEST AVENGER, I DON’T HAVE PROOF BUT I HAVE FISTS AND YOU KNOW WHERE I WORK


	1052. Chapter 1052

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, writer au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [olivia-ivy](https://olivia-ivy.tumblr.com/), "For the Buzzfeed AU, wade would DEFINITELY somehow convince BF to let him be in one of their YouTube shows like Buzzfeed Unsolved and it's like "today we investigate the mystery of [name]" "oh, I killed that guy." "wade, wtf, we had a whole episode planned!" he just shrugs. Cut to Peter writing "How to get banned from Buzzfeed in less than a day, cowritten by Wade Wilson""
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I love your work so much! I was wondering if it’s possible for you to continue the BuzzFeed AU?”

wade’s been begging for months, he finally wears peter down and it’s another month of trading vacation days and making promises he doesn’t intend to keep to get somebody to actually put up with wade for an entire episode, everybody gets hyped about wade’s upcoming appearance on buzzfeed unsolved

they’re in a little town in missouri, wade and shane have no idea what mystery they’re investigating, ryan starts going through the details of the case when they get to the hospital, august 17th 1988 one meredith quill dies of brain cancer after months of hospitalization, in the chaos that followed her extended family lost track of her only son, peter quill, the community organized a search party to search the grounds around the hospital, but the boy was never found

he goes through the regular suspects as they walk around the hospital at night, and then he gets into the weird shit, the lights in the sky seen by multiple eyewitnesses that night, the circumstances of peter quill’s disappearance, how meredith quill was known to talk about how she “fell in love with a spaceman”, she even called her son “star-lord” a reference to-

here wade jumps in with “wait i fucking know that guy! he tried to collect on my bounty in space, total asshole”

ryan has a breakdown and shane spends an hour arguing that it’s impossible that aliens had the technology or motivation to come to space, and wade’s just flipping through his phone gallery showing off his various adventures in space and time, aliens he killed, aliens that tried to kill him, his ex wife orksa

the end of the video is just ryan sitting in his house filming himself with his phone, like absolutely broken, well, we finally solved one, he talked about how they got in touch with meredith quill’s living brother and reunited peter quill with his living family, they got to see the spaceship, they had a tape player, shane quit and nobody’s heard from him since, ryan decided he’s gonna stop this series, after all they finally proved the existence of the supernatural

wade isn’t allowed within 50 feet of any buzzfeed properties, peter helped wade write a formal apology to publish


	1053. Chapter 1053

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, super family, identity porn, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "based off the text post: peter superfamily dads are super protective so he has a strict curfew. one night it’s like 10:50 and he needs to be back at the tower by 11 and the bus broke down and he’s in a really sketchy neighborhood so he just calls the police lmao and rides home in the car update: he met a really cute police officer (wade) and started flirting with him and wow look at that he’s got wades # now"

like peter is a grown ass adult, but over his lifetime he’s gotten into so much deep shit that he’s got a lifetime grounding still hanging over his head from the last three times he almost died, and that means that tony keeps sicing his robots and AIs on Peter, he’s literally got a chip implanted in his foot from when he was a kid and steve lost him at the park, so every goddamn night whether he wants to or not, he’s gotta be in his apartment, at aunt may’s place, or in the tower by 11, or tony gets a warning and calls thinking peter’s been murdered in a back alley

honestly, tony’s gotten better since he got the new therapist, he used to just start sending suits as soon as curfew hit, just in case

well peter’s not looking forward to explaining that he fell asleep at the library and missed the bus, and the subway is still being fixed from the cave in the last alien invasion caused, and if tony sees he’s in this part of town at this time of night, he can see somebody literally having a heart attack

so he just calls the cops and asks for a ride home, adds on he doesn’t feel safe here, because this is a long shot, but to his surprise they send a cop car and the guy, wade, ends up being real nice and says his parents must be crazy, and peter says yeah they are a little bit, and then peter realizes that the cop is flirting with him and peter’s so flustered he runs into the tower before wade can say goodbye

and the next day bruce calls peter and asks him what did he do this time, there’s a cop at the front desk asking for him by name, and peter’s just lucky steve didn’t see him first, because considering his history of being ready to throw down with the first person that says some stupid shit, he’d immediately assume peter was in trouble and attempt to single handedly fight The Law, which he has done before even though everybody tells him not to they literally have a team of lawyers

so peter goes down to the lobby, and wade’s saying he must have a cool job, and peter asks what’s up and wade says you forgot something in my car, and peter can’t remember forgetting anything, and then he says my number and writes his number on peter’s arm, and dave the receptionist is quietly laughing at him and will absolutely spread this around the tower before lunch, fucking dave


	1054. Chapter 1054

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, super family, identity porn, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/), "Regarding the policeman!Wade picking up Peter and taking him home, what happens after Dave the receptionist manages to spread the news throughout Stark Tower? When does the news reach Tony and Steve? How do they react?"

steve does the obligatory embarrass his child shtick, “so, who’s this wade i’ve been hearing about”, and generally just tries to make peter as embarrassed as possible, which is probably better than tony, who hands peter an itemized list of everything he’d dug up on wade in a cursory background search

peter feels bad already knowing all of wade’s crap before wade had the chance to tell it himself, so he tries the best he can to forget everything in that file tony gave him and powers through the embarrassment of jarvis asking if he’s going to call wade before peter can even dial the number

peter makes sure that he picks a place on the other side of fucking town and doesn’t tell anyone when the date is, and not to sound cheesy or anything, but wade is fucking perfect, like peter is caught between holding out so that wade knows peter is serious and just dragging wade home and ripping all his clothes off

but peter doesn’t get to choose, peter lets wade walk him home, and when he invites wade in, wade says he’s gotta get to bed early since he’s got an early shift tomorrow, and peter wonders if using his dad’s money to bribe the chief of police to give wade a day off would be entirely unethical, jarvis says it’s illegal


	1055. Chapter 1055

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, super family, identity porn, police au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More cop! Wade au?"

so peter’s just kind of avoided the topic of family whenever that came up, it’s not that he’s hiding it per say, it’s just that he’d like to put off subjecting wade to the avengers for as long as humanly possible

but now it’s been a couple months and he’s thinking about introducing wade to aunt may, and if he takes his boyfriend to see aunt may, then he has to take him to the tower next, may just tells him to get it over with, they’re not that horrible, says aunt may who hasn’t had to live with any of them for more than three days

peter kind of tricks wade into coming into the tower with him, well he says he left something inside and has wade come with him as he goes through security to get to the avengers floors, while they’re in the elevator peter’s sweating and blurts out that they’re meeting the rest of his family right now

and wade is still in denial, or just it’s insane right, accidentally picking up tony stark’s kid and learning about it after the fact, either way he’s in no way prepared for the elevator to open

natasha and bucky simultaneously pull out guns to clean while they’re sitting around the kitchen and wade walks in with peter, bruce walks by, bags under his eyes, he stops when he sees wade and just generally asks who the fuck this one is, peter has to tell bruce that wade’s just his boyfriend, not another new avenger they’d picked up while he was gone

wade nearly swoons when peter introduces him to cap, it never came up, so peter gets to learn that wade’s a huge captain america fanboy, it’s always funny when steve actually gets caught off guard like that, wade’s already got him signing his face and every scrap of paper he has, peter thinks that getting wade presents is going to be so easy

rhodey asks if nat gave wade the knife talk yet, peter won’t tell wade what “the knife talk” is beyond “don’t worry about it”, which is worrying as hell

tony was actually out today, which is why peter thought it would be safer this way, except today was the day loki was visiting, and thor had lost him in the tower, so they had to go into lock down again and wade got to see peter’s room, and then peter mentioned that his room was soundproof and they were going to be there for _several_ hours

which is how tony walks in on peter and wade in peter’s bed, and instead of just leaving awkwardly like a normal parent, he leaned against the doorway and asked if they needed anything else, condoms, lube, snacks, because tony stark doesn’t get mad, he gets really passive aggressive, and he wasn’t going to let peter live this one down for years

when they finally leave wade hears tony asking peter if nat’s already given wade the knife talk, and wade really starts to get nervous when peter just laughs awkwardly and tells wade she’s not actually going to do anything, she’d have to deal with too much paperwork

they get back in the car well past midnight, wade doesn’t start the car and peter says i’m sorry please don’t break up with me, all in a rush, wade shrugs it off and tells peter he’s met worse, which has peter laughing because that’s not possible and that also wasn’t how a break up talk and he’s just so relieved, wade really was too good to be true


	1056. Chapter 1056

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "god...... spiderverse spideypool is rapidly reaching the god tier level of comic spideypool. i never thought i would see a version of peter (besides the comic version work) so well for spideypool but Damn if spiderverse peter isn’t perfect."

ikr, i think part of it’s just he’s kind of a blank slate right now, and the other part is that he’s such a disaster and he’s just already gotten to the point where nothing matters and i might die soon so i may as well have fun with it, and honestly that’s a lot closer to wade’s outlook on life, and i just want him to roll with wade’s weirdness in a way i haven’t seen before, like where he’s completely reciprocating all on his own and idk just making wade the responsible one sounds like such a bad idea and i can guarantee you it is, but disaster husbands is such a good concept and quite honestly i think peter would make a worse father figure than wade, like sure wade passes chloroform and weapons out to children, but that’s only when the situation calls for it and when he teaches them to use it first, whereas peter is the dad that will throw his child in the deep end of the pool and yell encouraging things and hope it turns out alright while wade makes sure nobody drowns, i mean i love him, but he is such a mess™ and it’s amazing and i love it


	1057. Chapter 1057

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, fluff, coffee shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hello first I’d like to say your stories are amazing! :) I was wondering if you could do a simple coffeeshop au with barista!peter and regular!wade where Peter makes special latte art for his not-so-secret crush? Thank youuuuuu"

omg yes

peter has gone to college, he has a degree in fact, and yet he gets paid minimum wage at a coffee shop and nobody appreciates how much boredom free time he’s put into learning latte art, he took a fucking class on this and no one cares

well, there’s one guy that cares, wade’s been going to the coffee shop peter works at for a year now, he says it’s because it’s on his way to work and it’s got a nice atmosphere, he says side eyeing peter the cute barista as he bends over to pick up some trash

peter has a massive raging crush on wade the regular and it all started when wade saw peter messing around with the cream and started asking him to draw things in his lattes, and just he gets so excited every time peter learns to do something else, wade’s got a blog dedicated to all the latte art he’s gotten from peter, there’s about a hundred pokemon and a very large mug with bea arthur’s beautiful face, and when peter first pulled out the food dyes, wade lost his shit

and literally all of peter’s coworkers have to watch them dance around each other every goddamn day and it’s getting sickening, eventually one of them gets so fed up with it all that they fuck with peter’s latte art and spell out peter’s number in the foam and slam it down in front of wade, saying it’s from peter

peter is mortified and wade doesn’t even hesitate to call peter while he’s standing five feet away and refusing to turn around and look at wade, they make a coffee date and peter’s manager threatens to give him the closing shift if he doesn’t take wade somewhere that isn’t here

wade of course is sitting five feet away and can hear everything


	1058. Chapter 1058

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, coffee shop au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More of the coffee shop au??? Please and thank you love this blog"

they end up picking a random place, which gets shut down the day of because somebody fell through the roof of the place while saving the world or something, it happens a lot

so wade says you know what, i can make pasta, why don’t we just go to my place and have lunch, so they do, and afterwards they watch moana two times in a row and get into an argument about who would kick whose ass between merida and moana

peter finds roses in the trash and realizes that wade ditched that plan before they even met up today, and nobody’s bought him flowers before, so peter just kinda feels stupid happy and he’s like that all week

not even getting the opening shift two day in a row can bring him down, and now all his coworkers have to deal with peter and wade gross flirting at the counter every morning, which is somehow so much worse than gross pining


	1059. Chapter 1059

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "spiderverse spideypool where peter gets up at 5 am in the morning, makes breakfast, helps wade get ellie ready for school, then runs down to the bugle and gets yelled at by jjj, then spends his lunch as spidey, then rushes back to work, then goes to pick ellie up from school with wade, then they go grocery shopping, then they help ellie with homework, send her to bed, then they patrol until 2 am, NOW HE HAS TO HELP MILES, wade is trying to calm peter down with long massages but it isn’t working."

my poor adult child, no wonder he looks Like That

peter doesn’t have to get up at 5 am every morning, but sometimes wade sleeps through their five alarm clocks and ellie sleeps through her six, and once the first one goes off he can’t get back to sleep so he might as well physically carry ellie to the kitchen so she can get herself some breakfast before she runs to catch the bus

wade kisses him goodbye and peter tries not to think about work until he’s there and it’s kind of inevitable, jj’s been on some kind of captain america hero worship porn streak lately, which is not unusual, but ever since cap came back jj’s been unusually liberal leaning, which is nice i guess, but peter still gets paid shit and jj still yells, and the only reason peter sticks around is because he literally gets paid for selfies and the investigative reporter badge gets him a lot farther than he would get on his own

peter normally does a quick round around the city as spidey and grabs a chilidog or something else he’s not supposed to be eating, and sometimes if wade’s got time he’ll hunt him down and they’re share a quick lunch

and since wade keeps getting the cops called on him when he picks up ellie alone, peter runs to the elementary school and they take turns giving ellie piggy back rides as they walk home together and ask her how her day went, and remind her again that just because some kid is being a dumbass doesn’t mean that you should punch them in the face until after they’ve said something insulting enough that wade and peter can get her out of detention

the school actually tries calling wade first when ellie gets in trouble because when ellie clocked some boy for pulling her hair, the principal tried calling peter and peter showed up, asked ellie what happened, and called in captain fucking america to recite line by line that one training video on harassment in the workplace he had to do when he first came out of the ice, it’s just easier for the staff to deal with wade

they always forget to bring a list when they go shopping, so they play a game called “shit, shit, shit, fuck, what are we forgetting?” where they try to remember what they need more of and inevitably forget the tp and almond milk, so peter has to swing by the nearest convenience store and grab whatever they forgot and run home to tag in for homework help before wade and ellie set her math book on fire again, and truth be told peter wants very much to do the same most nights because he literally has a degree in mathematics and he cannot understand this shit for the life of him, he always ends up giving up and teaching ellie the normal and cheat ways to do things, and then she gets bad marks for not doing the problems correctly, peter once got so mad that he did ellie’s homework himself one night, and marched right into ellie’s poor teacher’s office to call bullshit because again, degree in mathematics, he’s built a fucking rocket before, literal rocket science is easier than this crap

and even though he’s dead on his feet, wade starts the patrol while peter goes to find miles and hope he isn’t dead before he gets there, which wade doesn’t have the heart to tell peter miles has more near death experiences from when peter’s around than when he isn’t, it’s not that peter’s bad at this per say, it’s that peter is the worst teacher ever, he literally threw the kid of a building on day one because they were behind schedule, wade can always tell when they’re nearby because he can hear miles’ faint screaming

sometimes wade picks the poor kid up some snacks and pain killers for when peter’s done with him, and when they get home, peter just falls over on the bed, and wade has to peel him out of his suit or he’ll fall asleep in it again and wade will forget to wash it for the eighth time this week, some nights wade puts his masseuse classes to work and poor peter’s out within five minutes he’s just so tired and relaxed

peter’s always got bags under his eyes, and at this point wade thinks peter might just die if he tries to stop doing everything all the time, doesn’t mean he’s above chaining peter to the bed for some actually-not-sexual-time-for-peter-to-get-real-sleep-for-more-than-three-hours time


	1060. Chapter 1060

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade and spiderverse peter have known each other for 15 years, peter is 45 and wade is 50/immortal. when they met peter was a total twink even for a 30 year old. no grey in his hair, bags under his eyes weren’t so noticeable, his nose wasn’t crooked and constantly bruised, he remembered to shave. but now peter is tired, he’s more weathered and aged, he’s well out of twink territory and into daddy areas. but wade still insists on calling him “baby boy” and it secretly warms peter’s tired heart."

👏 just call him an otter you coward 👏 

wade’s dumb pet names have always stuck, even if it still feels silly to hear wade calling him baby boy and sugar butt

wade will never tell peter that when peter first revealed his identity to wade, wade forgot his name and covered up the fact by using pet names for two years


	1061. Chapter 1061

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could you do something where Peter and Shiri meet and get along so well that Wade gets jealous. Or something like that."

wade’s got his own set of insecurities, and maybe it doesn’t help that peter “oh nobody ever loves me but i’ve dated every single one of my friends and some of the especially hot enemies” parker doesn’t have a whole lot of self awareness

so maybe, when they fly down to wakanda for some cool new gadget that shuri made specifically to work with peter’s powers, and she needs him there for some tests, and peter and shuri nerd it up in the lab, and peter gets his big sparkly science eyes on when shuri starts explaining stuff that wade can’t even keep up with, he gets a little… jealous

and peter’s a little caught up with everything that’s going on, and he doesn’t realize that wade’s been more quiet lately, or that he’s been clinging to peter more, when he can, or that he’s been eyeing every piece of equipment in shuri’s lab like it personally murdered his dog

it’s shuri that asks peter if everything’s alright with wade, and peter looks back at the last few days and realizes ah fuck, he’s supposed to do the good boyfriend thing and notice shit like this, peter runs off to find wade, his experimental mask still on

and when he asks wade, who is absolutely not sulking in the really nice hot tub sized bath in their guest room, what’s wrong, wade tries to shrug him off, and peter says, dude we talked about this, neither of us are mind readers and wanda isn’t here to butt in, so you have to tell me what’s going on

and wade very slowly admits that maybe, what with all the cool science going on, peter might, ya know, like shuri better

and peter goes, ah yes, shuri and i were secretly lesbianing behind your back, because she is a lesbian, and dating one of my best friends

and he gets a laugh out of wade, and wade tells him to shut up, he never said it made any sense, and then he asks if that’s the new mask

and peter says, ah fuck i forgot, because it really should be back in the lab and not around say a bathtub full of water, but wade asks what it does, and peter explains that it basically tunes into his spidey sense and the eyes light up accordingly, and wade asks how that’s helpful, and peter tells him it’s not, but it looks real cool

and wade throws the nearest shampoo bottle at peter’s head just to watch the mask light up, peter dodges of course but that doesn’t mean he can’t be ticked at wade for throwing things at him again, but then wade moves closer and pulls up peter’s mask to his nose, and the mask lights up again

and with a grin wade asks if it’s supposed to watch for adrenaline, and peter blushes as the mask lights up again, and he says yeah something like that


	1062. Chapter 1062

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "songfic/inspo from I Am by Jorja Smith with a little bit of Venom if it’s not too much to ask? Ty ✨"
> 
> [I Am by Jorja Smith](https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=YZTuHE5UVHA)

peter came to with a gasp, breathing in air like his lungs had been full of something else, trying to move, peter got pulled back down to the bed he’d been chained to, he groaned and relaxed against the floor, just letting himself breathe

he told wade he was back, and wade undid all the locks, letting the chains all fall to the floor in a clanking pile, wade asked him what that was all about

peter let out a long breath and thought about it, he said he’s not great at…dealing with…everything, and for venom, that’s a whole other’s person’s shit to deal with on top of their own, and sometimes they’re not so great at dealing with it all either, so venom just, didn’t

wade laughed without any real humor behind it, said he knew what that was like, wade sat down on the cold floor with peter and peter leaned into his shoulder, just thinking it felt nice

wade started talking out loud, he did that when he wanted to talk to venom, because he knew venom would listen in, said you know i’m here for you pete, but i’m here for venom too, it’s not easy being on your own, but you’re not, and venom’s not, they’ve got two whole ass people they can bother whenever they want

midnight run for twinkies and late night talks, all that shit

and when peter says thanks wade, it’s with a bit of a growl underneath


	1063. Chapter 1063

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, x-men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [hownground](http://howlnground.tumblr.com/), "Peter has metal lining in his mask to block out any telepaths he might encounter, but one day something happens and he has to wear his old mask while helping out the X-Men and Prof. X tunes in just bc he HAS NEVER had the opportunity and all he hears is 'Wow, Wade looks so hot without his mask. I wish he'd wear it less..' and when Wade punches a baddie in the face Peter is like 'OH SHIT DADDY ME NEXT' and Prof. X is... traumatized."

god, can you even imagine the amount of shit the telepaths all have to deal with on a regular basis, like they’re surrounded by some of the most emotionally stunted, repressed, sad bastards with tomes of relationship problems and insecurities

like peter’s paranoid enough about his identity getting out that he’s got a special lined mask just so he doesn’t do that stupid thing where he tries too hard to not think about his identity and gives it away in the first three seconds

peter doesn’t even realize that he’s wearing one of the older suits, well he knows it’s old, but he doesn’t know it’s so old that this one isn’t telepath peeping tom proof, and since professor x doesn’t have a whole lot of respect for privacy, he decides he can’t miss out on this chance to dip into spiderman’s head, it’s just too tempting

legitimately, in battle, he’s so surprised by what he finds that he drops his own wheelchair from where he’d been floating in mid air and crushes one of the wheels

it’s just an outrageously raunchy train of thought centered around wade wilson of all people, like hilariously kinky, he’s learned seven new words, and that’s more than he ever wanted to know about spiderman, he locks that particular door and by the look on jean’s face, she’s already made the same mistake

it’s hard for the both of them to look peter in the eye later, but they manage, and professor x finds himself wondering how peter has all that time to think about fighting, staying alive, witty banter, oatmeal cookie recipes, and hardcore fantasies all at once, some things in this world, as it turns out, are just better left unknown


	1064. Chapter 1064

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, scientist au, musician au

peter basically lives under a rock, so to speak, he’s got basically no interest in celebrity gossip, never leaves the radio on, and lets just say that when you’re an arctic researcher, you kind of get out of touch with pop culture when the internet only works about once a month

so peter’s got no way of knowing that a one night stand he had almost a year ago at a party in the back of some club in nyc, was actually with a famous singer, and the guy’s been trying to find peter ever since

peter finds out when he gets back home after two years and mj’s trying to catch him up on her favorite shows, and she’s got pandora running, and something about the voice is nagging at the back of peter’s mind, and then he starts paying attention to the lyrics, and it all comes back to him in vivid detail

he asks mj who sings this, and peter looks it up and yup, it’s the same guy, it’s the most embarrassed he’s ever been, what the hell are you supposed to do when somebody writes a song about you

well he feels bad about not giving wade a reply, but he’s not really sure how to do that, mj helps him set up a twitter account and he tweets at wade, “just heard the song, it’s a little cheesy”


	1065. Chapter 1065

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, scientist au, musician au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AHHHH DOES WADE TWEET PETER BACK?!?!?!??!!?!"
> 
> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), “How does wade react to the tweet? I assume that most celebrities don’t see a lot of their notifications because they get so many. Does wade even see it?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oh man I’ve just read the musican+scientist au writing you just posted probably over… 6 times its soo good! :D I love it! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for more! X3 :) great job”

normally wade doesn’t see all his notifications, because that would be ridiculous, but he’s scrolling through and MJ’s been tweeting about a million pictures of peter at wade hoping he’d remember, and it works, because wade immediately goes to the link she has under each one, and since they’re not following each other, wade just starts tweeting at peter, and all of wade’s fans lose their collective shit

like there’s been rumors floating around about who the mystery person is in wade’s song, he’s done vague interviews where he just says he keeps hoping the person that stole his heart will hear it and it’ll bring them together somehow, he’s a huge romantic even if he won’t admit it, but it’s all been speculation and now he’s just straight up trying to propose to this guy over twitter and it’s a gigantic mess

peter’s mortified that the singular dumbass picture of himself in an orange research parka that he took six months ago and randomly decided to use for his twitter is plastered all over the news, aunt may was watching the news and called peter in the middle of it to ask if there was something he forgot to tell her, he doesn’t even know what to say back

mj shows him how to follow wade so he can pm the guy and stop getting very public proposals, they agree to meet up, and peter’s just so fucking overwhelmed, he does have to laugh when wade shows up in a dark hoodie pulled up over his head and sunglasses on, because he looks hella suspicious

peter doesn’t have the heart to tell wade he was so drunk he actually didn’t remember that much about that night, wade’s… overwhelming, he’s just so genuinely in love with peter and open about it, and peter wasn’t prepared for any of this and honestly he’s getting swept up in it, he agrees to an actual date before he knows what he’s doing


	1066. Chapter 1066

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking, no powers au, scientist au, musician au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More of the musician/scientist one?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Musician wade and scientist peter au? (The twitter thingamajig)”

wade and peter fall into a whirlwind romance, they try their best to stay away from the paparazzi, but they’re the next big story, peter’s face is plastered on every gossip magazine and he’s gotta call his aunt and tell her what’s going on

peter and wade get drunk again, wildly drunk, and peter wakes up in the french countryside, with a wedding band on his finger, remembering why he doesn’t normally get drunk, and also thinking that just maybe they’re going too fast

but then wade walks in with breakfast in bed and all the doubt melts away, until peter checks his phone and realizes that he didn’t tell anybody where he was, that spurs him into action and he throws his stuff together so he can go back home and fix this mess

wade gets mad because peter wants to leave, and peter gets mad because wade’s holding him to whatever the hell he said or did when he was black out drunk, it’s a very tense flight home

when they get back, peter suggests they reel it back a little and just take it slow, peter learns that wade has a temper, because he explodes, he takes it as a rejection and storms off

it’s wade and peter’s first real fight, and they’re both stubborn jackasses, mj’s got a migraine since peter’s been sad loafing at her place, he won’t stop whining about wade and playing that stupid song wade wrote for him, wade’s not doing much better, he keeps getting angry drunk and none of his band mates want to babysit him anymore

it’s been two months and wade hasn’t tried to contact peter at all, much less apologize, and peter’s not going to be the one to call first, so he decided that maybe some distance would help, or at least get his mind of things, so he jumped on the next research expedition, he’d be gone for six months

which sucks for wade who starts desperately trying to get in contact with peter a week after he left, mj has to be the one to tell him over twitter and wade gets bad depressed, when he runs out of alcohol he just lays down in bed and doesn’t get back up again, nobody can get him to do anything, that is until he gets a dumb fucking idea

wade gets it into his head that he’s going to go to the research base peter is at and in a grand dramatic gesture, apologize to peter, nobody can talk him out of it, it’s such a dumb idea and wade’s probably a little loopy from the lack of sunlight and food and everything

he’s actually buying a boat when he thinks, peter’s going to love this, and that stops him cold, because peter is not going to love this, he’d probably get mad at wade for wasting money and trying to fuck up peter’s plans, so wade leaves a very sad boat salesman and goes to visit may instead, because he likes may, and she did say to visit anytime

may and wade get on really well, wade helps may in the kitchen and learns to cook for the first time in his life, and they play whatever card game comes to mind, wade and may can both complain together about peter being gone for so long, and when peter comes back, wade rushes him at the dock they both try to apologize at the same time

wade promises to try to see things from peter’s point of view more, and peter promises to try and communicate what’s going on with him more, they have a small welcome back party at may’s, and with a rising cold fear in both their stomachs, peter and wade realize they’re married and they never told may


	1067. Chapter 1067

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, no powers au, scientist au, musician au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "*happy flailing* XD The scientist musician AU is awesome!!! Omg, please let these idiots do a second wedding for May and have her find the original papers. Also, can Ellie pop up?"

peter finally owns up to it and tells may after she finds a crumpled marriage certificate in peter’s jacket pocket, may puts on her best disappointed parent look when peter tries to make it better and tells her he was so drunk he didn’t even remember it, because that’s worse peter, just stop talking

after a long talk with may about relationships, plans, the future, and just wade in general, peter decides that he doesn’t regret it, so may tells him he should have a ceremony at least, one she can be there for, and one that peter will remember this time

for the first time, peter goes to one of wade’s concerts, wade gets him a vip pass and peter has fun wandering around backstage, when the concert is over and wade finds him again, peter gets down on one knee and pulls a ring out of his pocket, wade’s already jumping up and down and yelling yes before peter can say anything

wade’s band mates offer to play at the wedding, wade sings after the first dance, after may cuts in for a dance with her nephew, even some of peter’s antisocial research friends make it, half of them are still who knows where without wifi

the wedding in in mj’s parents’ back yard, ellie gets to be the flower girl and the ring bearer, mostly because peter and wade don’t know any more children, but also because she asked

they put silly string in all the wedding favor bags, hell is unleashed at the reception, mj’s parents regret the whole thing since their backyard smells like plastic ass for three weeks after the wedding

wade finally convinces peter to go on a honeymoon, peter picks canada, because it’s where wade’s from, and he apparently misses freezing his ass off, bad reception, and watching polar bears, peter has no chill when he sees a moose for the first time, wade has to pull him back in the car when peter tries to get out to get some pictures

peter gets a really nice picture of them kissing under the northern lights that goes on their christmas cards


	1068. Chapter 1068

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, 1800s au

i want a stupid romantic 19th c au where peter’s just learned to dance so his friends could drag him to town hall for some spring gala or something, get a little tipsy and just have fun

and then peter catches sight of a military man from across the ballroom, a lieutenant to be exact, peter finds out later that night when he’s introduced, and wade is charming and handsome and he’s got people fawning over him left and right

and when he comes up behind peter and taps him on the shoulder, asking for a dance, peter forgets to say anything for a second, so one of his friends has to tell wade he’d love to and push peter into his arms

wade is a beautiful dancer, and peter is very much not, but wade is nice and he counts the steps for peter and doesn’t complain too much about peter stepping on his toes, and peter honestly feels like he’s floating, the night’s over way too soon and peter’s loathe to leave

not even a day out, peter’s nursing a slight hangover and the doorbell rings, may is out today, so he answers the door himself and immediately regrets it, he’s not at all dressed for polite company, much less his friend harry showing up on his doorstep unannounced with lieutenant wilson in tow

harry knows exactly what he’s doing, grinning like that cat that got the mouse, and wilson only has eyes for peter, peter excuses himself so he can vault up the stairs and get ready for the day faster than he’s ever done before, and when he comes back, he and wilson are talking like old friends, peter doesn’t even notice when harry sees himself out, but he does notice when may clears her throat very loudly upon coming home to find her nephew and some military man tangled on the sitting room couch

wilson is as charming as can be, and peter doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being red, and despite the rocky start, and despite herself, wade charms her off her feet as well, she tells wade when he leaves that he’s welcome to drop in anytime to see peter, provided she’s there too


	1069. Chapter 1069

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, writer au, nsfw

peter’s an erotica author and wade’s his long suffering boyfriend

“talk dirty to me” is a joke between them, because peter can say the downright filthiest things in monotone and without cracking a smile, but as soon as wade gets him to start talking sweet, gentle whispers and romatic garbage, peter can’t handle it, he gets so red and can’t get though an I love you without burrying his face in wade’s neck in embarasement

wade, on the other hand, has no problem being the world’s biggest sap, especially when telling peter how beautiful his eyes are in the candlelight at their fancy dinner reservation leads to peter dragging him in the bathroom and fucking him senseless

wade does have one huge issue with peter being a writer, like when they’re getting rough and worked up sometimes, peter will just straight up leave wade all hot and bothered and usually naked to write something down before he forgets it

sure wade’s proud of his successful boyfriend and all, but he’s so fucking tired of being bent over something and waiting half and hour for peter to grab some lube, just to find peter with his glasses on, tapping away at his work laptop, the fucking nerve

peter sometimes comes to late at night from an impromptu three hour stretch of productive writing, to find the bedroom door locked and a blanket thrown on the couch, one of these days he’ll learn


	1070. Chapter 1070

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

you know what, may is that one parent that looks at shitty parents and just goes, you know what, this is my kid now, i have two kids

when peter doesn’t know what to do, he goes to may, because even if they have no money and peter’s friend has to take the couch, she will absolutely take in every child with shitty parents that kicked them out for dumb fucking reasons like coming out, doing drugs, or even trying to kill themselves

and so may’s house is like the safe house, some of the kids that stay there off and on don’t even know peter that well, he just got angry on their behalf and asked may if they could stay over for a while

she can’t buy these kids therapy, but she can make cookies occasionally and listen to their problems and give them all the numbers she can scrounge up on suicide hotlines and pro bono lawyers that are willing to represent the kids in court that got cut off and kicked out by their parents before they were even 16


	1071. Chapter 1071

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

wade somehow winds up in the future and manages to get his ass saved by peter who’s batting a hundred and looking 50, 65 tops, and to wade’s delight peter’s not shy about sharing how things are going between him and his wade, and wade finds out with dawning horror that he rubbed off on peter over the years

when it comes to wade, peter gives zero fucks about who hears him talking, and as much as wade likes the idea of him and peter staying a thing for so long, what happened to his blushing goody two shoes boyfriend

peter and wade can match each other gross sexual over share for gross sexual over share, and let’s just say wade learns a lot about himself that day, watching future him and peter playing a game of grab ass in the middle of saving the day


	1072. Chapter 1072

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

not many people know but bruce and the hulk share a sense of humor, and while bruce isn’t prone to belly laughs like hulk is, they both think spiderman is hilarious

peter was explaining his spidersense to cap while bruce was reading his morning paper, and peter couldn’t resist, he summed it up by telling steve, “that’s my secret cap, I’m always anxious” and bruce choked on his coffee


	1073. Chapter 1073

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter stealing wades big hoodies and wearing them all over the place and wades so confused like where are all of my clothes??? until one day wade catches peter with one of them on"

alright so peter’s a semi master of stealth, he’s been slowly depleting wade’s closet of all the big t shirts and hoodies and so far wade hasn’t figured it out

maybe it’s the spider part of him talking, but wearing wade’s shit is like fucking awesome, it’s warm and cozy and it smells like wade and he’s not going to admit that he’s got a pile of wade’s clothes in his room that he keeps forgetting to return

and then peter fucks up by riding a wave of productive cleaning, he does all the laundry in the house and one of wade’s shirts ends up in peter’s t shirt drawer, and then he happens to wear it outside in the real world, and he ends up getting spotted by wade who chases him down six blocks

so by the time wade catches up to him, they’re both a little winded, wade recognizes peter’s voice and peter has to stand there and argue that he stole wade’s shirts because he’s part spider and the spider part told him to


	1074. Chapter 1074

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where Deadpool is apart of SHIELD or the Avengers and Peter didn't become Spider-Man (but still got his powers), and became a super-villain in grad school for extra credit. It's a mess"

peter was a poly sci major and for extra credit he did a project where he tried to get as many people on campus to basically join a cult he made up within a month, except it works too well and peter accidentally starts a riot and brands himself a villain, and at this point he’s in too deep and he doesn’t actually know how to get out of this without getting killed, and even if he does somehow make it out alive he’s never going to be employable

wade is flirting with the law, so to speak, right now he’s in some deep shit so he’s contracted with SHIELD just to get everybody off his back, and avoid community service and jail time, and right now he knows they’re patronizing him, because they put him on a stakeout just so he’d be out of their hair

he’s supposed to be watching some asshole that turned a college campus into their evil headquarters and find out what they’re planning, and then probably stop what they’re planning before it happens

except peter is the most hilariously inept bad guy wade’s ever squared off against, his plans are shitty and poorly thought out, there’s no cohesion in his group, and he gives up too easy at the first sign of danger, even the manifesto is garbled nonsense

and he’s apparently fucking stupid too, because he just waltzes right out of his “secret lair” to pick up something to eat late at night, and wade doesn’t even have to chloroform him, he just sees wade and immediate surrenders, well actually his exact words were, “oh, thank god, please just arrest me”

peter goes through the most embarrassing witness protection processing after he gives his statement, and to make it even worse, wade’s the one assigned to watch him for “suspicious activity” which means he breaks into peter’s house sometimes to raid the fridge


	1075. Chapter 1075

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [masonnerd](http://masonnerd.tumblr.com/), "Yo! Can we get more of that sweet sweet cult au! Specifically some fun excerpts of the embarrassing interrogation with the avengers! Love your stuff!"

everybody was seriously overestimating peter, like it took a **while** for natasha and the others to realize that he wasn’t just amazingly good at lying, he really was just in over his head and had no idea what was going on

clint got kicked out of the interrogation room because he couldn’t stop laughing when peter said the only thing the cult accomplished thus far was taking over the campus and a nearby krispy kreme

nat’s so goddamn fed up with peter whining about how he’s going to lose all his credits, but she ends up feeling sorry for him by the end of it, peter really didn’t deserve wade laughing at his browser history for an hour straight

peter’s connections to spiderman come into question because of the photos he has on his computer, he reminds them that he’s a photographer specializing in pictures of spiderman, but by the end of it, peter’s pretty sure that they’re all convinced he’s dating spiderman, it’s embarrassing as all get out, wade asks if he and spidey would ever consider a threesome

it’s a _long_ interrogation


	1076. Chapter 1076

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [badumdum](https://badumdum.tumblr.com/), "I love every story that you post, seriously been reading all of them non stop. But the cult au really struck me, I need more of it"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oh my gods I forgot the cult au existed and khskgdgkd how could I have never asked for more before you funky writer, you”

peter’s getting real tired of wade abusing his “witness protection” powers to break into peter’s house for dumb shit like to steal his food and to “borrow” a pair of scissors, never mind that wade has like five different knives on him at any given time

peter’s getting real twitchy keeping his spiderman secret from wade, wade’s walked in on peter fixing his suit like twice, peter played it off saying he was making costumes for his friends for halloween, which was believable in april because hand sewing takes time

peter is really paranoid about wade hanging around, his spider sense doesn’t work on wade since wade isn’t doing anything to hurt him, so he just kind of shows up and gives peter mini heart attacks, but wade did save peter one day when peter spaced and forgot his presentation at home, wade popped out of a tree near campus and threw a plastic bag at him with all his stuff in it

also one time one of peter’s big cult followers tracked him down and tried to blow up his house, that was probably more important, but peter was pretty out of it since he was drugged for the whole thing

peter’s taken to putting out an extra plate for wade in case he shows up for dinner, which he does more often than not, peter’s still not used to waking up at two in the morning to wade watching cartoons on his netflix account, peter may have panicked when wade almost caught him crawling back in his bedroom window after a long night of superheroing

wade’s trying to figure out a good time to bring up how he already knows peter is spiderman, he dug through peter’s house on like day one and found all the spider gear


	1077. Chapter 1077

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade tries to court Peter like a spider would. To everyone's surprise it works."

so something peter says about having a spider brain gives wade an idea, he goes online and the shield agent assigned to tracking all his online activity is wondering if they’re finally going insane, because wade’s just googling “how spiders flirt” and taking notes

step 1: food

obviously this one works real well, peter’s a perpetually starving broke superhuman with metabolism issues, wade’s surprised at how fast peter’s attitude towards him changes, they’re like best friends within a week

step 2: dancing

not so great, he has to talk peter into a bar crawl just to get him anywhere near a dance floor, and since peter can’t get drunk and he’s got years of teenage shame built up, there is nothing wade could possibly do to get peter to dance with him

step 3: art

since some spiders attract mates by showing off their web weaving prowess, wade took up knitting, he’s shit at it, absolute shit, the first hat he ever made looked like it went through the garbage disposal, he drops hats in favor of scarves and still manages to fuck it up, get a grease stain on it, and drop half the stitches at one point or another, but he sucks up his pride and hands it to peter  
and peter’s real quiet, he asks wade, you made this for me?, and when wade starts babbling, peter kisses him to shut him up for a second so he can say thanks

step 4: SUCCESS


	1078. Chapter 1078

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), "What’s your favorite HC currently?"

that’s incredibly vague and gives me too much freedom to ramble

so lately, i was thinking about how a lot of supers and mutants have similar powers, and how certain powers tend to not get explored and the one i got stuck on was super speed, like the possibilities are endless, and instead, every single one of them just like… runs… fast, that’s so fucking boring

why couldn’t quicksilver be a sharpshooter, like he just fucking goes around with machine guns and takes his sweet ass time readjusting and aiming in between each shot, which makes what he does look quite frankly impossible to somebody that does that kinda shit for a living, say hawkeye

so of course clint would call bullshit as soon as he meets the guy, thinks he’s got powers like wanda and just moves the bullets where he wants them to go, because he sure shoots like it, like clint gets angry, he’s spent a lifetime learning to do what he does, and every single shot fucking counts, he’s always one missed mark away from being just some guy with a bow, and here comes this cocky ass motherfucker with bleach blonde hair, telling clint he must be getting old, it takes everything clint has not to punch that smug bastard in his stupid face

and the whole joke is, pietro never actually learned to shoot, he just goes around faster than anybody can see and shoots at point blank range, it’s kinda fucking hard to miss a shot when you’ve got all the time in the world


	1079. Chapter 1079

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "*clears throat* ahem... HEY SYMBI' YOU SO FINE, YOU SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND, HEY SYMBI' *clapclap clap* HEY SYMBI! *clapclap clap* WHOOOOO!!! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE AWESOME! *jump split*"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “WADE ME UP (wade me up inside) I CANT WADE UP (wade me up inside) WADEEEE MEEEEE”

so it all started with venom discovering the car radio, peter normally isn’t in a car, and more recently he’s had too much on his mind to think about like pandora, so when wade steals a rental and loads half a 7/11′s worth of snacks for their impromptu road trip while peter’s trying to keep venom on the down low, the radio comes on, and venom is fascinated, unfortunately the only stations they get are an 80s pop station and some 24/7 christian channel that doesn’t even play right, so 80s pop it is

peter’s got a growing headache by the time 2am rolls around and wade and venom are singing along to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, peter just desperately wants to sleep

after they got back to new york, wade got venom their own ipod, specifically so they couldn’t use it for anything other than music, peter gets ticked off when venom tries to rifle through his brain for something new to listen to, so peter breaks down and shows venom youtube

peter is slowly going crazy, every once in a while, venom will pick a particular song and latch onto it for days, or sometimes even weeks, he’s heard Ra Ra Rasputin about a million times over the past three days and he’s ready to jump out the window if venom doesn’t decide to play something else soon

wade on the other hand thinks it’s fucking hilarious, he’s got an old boom box he dug out of some dumpster and had weasel fix up that he gives to venom, and then he has to go and tell venom that the library has cds, because wade is an asshole

venom is just tickled when wade starts messing with the lyrics and singing made up songs, like venom’s so interested in how it still sounds good even though those are not the right words, and eventually peter learns to accept his fate and starts singing back at wade, venom’s learning, slowly, the week they learned that silver doesn’t have any rhymes they threw a tantrum, the boom box got destroyed, peter is secretly happy


	1080. Chapter 1080

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [dick-wizard4000](https://dick-wizard4000.tumblr.com/), "Can you do more with Loki being parental to peter? like maybe giving wade the shovel talk when loki finds out peter likes him (much to wades confusion because its really ominous and deadpool doesnt even know any of lokis kids so??? wat he mean??)"

oooooo ok, so with tony playing the over protective parent, i know it’s popular to have him freak out and get mad at peter for doing exactly what he said not to do, and like go after wade, but the guy has more scandals in more newspapers than peter can count, he really can’t judge peter like at all for his partners or life choices, and he knows that, and honestly he’d be begrudgingly supportive, like this is your decision and even though i think it’s a dumbass decision, i will always be here for you if you need anything at all, it just feels weird to have him like preemptively threaten wade or try and stop peter at all

but loki on the other hand, loki would be there, emerging from a dark alley spattered with the blood of the last thing he killed, telling wade straight up that he doesn’t like him, and then loki would tell him in intimate detail exactly what’s going to happen if anything were to happen to peter, except it’s before they’re dating and just after loki found out about peter’s crush on wade

and peter being a dumbass, would laugh it off when wade tells him about it later, like oh he’s always been like that, he doesn’t really mean it, you should meet his kids, i babysit sometimes

meanwhile wade’s realized that peter doesn’t take anything loki says seriously, like loki comes over for brunch sometimes, and they have to get out the nice silverware and throw out all the old pizza boxes, which is a massive pain and all the more reason not to like the guy

but loki mostly just bitches about earth and her family, and she’s got terrifying pictures of her kids in her wallet, most of them look like pictures of cryptids and hel’s eyes were literally burned out, loki says it always happens when she tries to get a picture of her

and somewhere along the way, probably hanukkah, when loki stops by and gives peter some sort of magic asguardian tech, that wade realizes loki’s just as bad as the other avengers, and for a guy without any parents, peter sure has a lot of people that love him like a son


	1081. Chapter 1081

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [always-a-bit-confused](https://always-a-bit-confused.tumblr.com/), "So looking through some of your old posts I saw something mention Venom watching a bunch of fashion shows or something and making fun of people as Peter worked and I just sorta feel into this thought track of Venom being the one who chooses what Peter wears, and Peter gets a ton of compliments and looks actually really good... like his daily wardrobe is upped by like 100x what it was and Peter’s a bit salty about it but... he does look wicked cute"

lol i’ve got a headcanon that venom got really into fashion and started watching hgtv style shows like what not to wear and stuff like that, and for a few months peter starts looking put together and his wardrobe is like really nice, and he won’t admit it, but venom’s really been doing him a favor

and then peter passes by hot topic at the mall and it all goes to shit, because venom is apparently a goth mess and immediately falls in love with black leather pants and spiked boots, and peter has absolutely no say in the matter, because venom is in charge of his wardrobe and will not be swayed

so peter ends up having to pick up his goth phase late in life, and his friends make fun of him because they’re his friends and they have to since this is totally out of the blue for them, and now venom wants to make the spiderman suit black too and peter’s fighting a losing battle


	1082. Chapter 1082

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, x-men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [procrazedfan](https://procrazedfan.tumblr.com/), "Here is a prompt: Peter was born a mutant not bitten. Parents die and his aunt and uncle can't take care of him 24/7 because of old age. He lives in the X mansion as a student most of his life. He's recently 18 and joining the X-Men as an auxiliary and Collosus brings in Deadpool out of hopes of Reformation (again)."

so peter’s parents didn’t think they could have kids, they were a lot older than they’d like to be to be parents, so peter was a surprise, but not an unwanted one, his poor parents discovered his mutation early on when they lost him in the house and nearly called the cops before discovering peter stuck to the ceiling and giggling

his parents died young and he moved in with his aunt and uncle who took care of him the best they could, but their health insurance kind of screwed them over and the stress put ben in the hospital, and may couldn’t take care of peter herself with her own problems, so they scraped together what money they could and sent peter to xavier’s institution for mutant education and outreach, who thankfully gave peter a full ride scholarship as long as he maintained his grades and promised to join the x-men when he got older

the mansion became more of a home to peter than anywhere else he’d lived, and when he turned 18, he started training with the others, he developed his own web formula at the lab with a little help, and sewed his own costume since he didn’t like the color scheme the rest of the x men were sporting, which made him a target and got him in a lot of trouble, but he always operated on his own, despite everybody telling him he’s gotta work as part of a team

wade gets kidnapped? sort of?, because colossus was worried about him being alone lately since he’s been teetering on the deep end of the crazy pond, and somehow colossus talked somebody into letting wade stay at the mansion again, albeit under heavy supervision, wade’s been pouting ever since

wade isn’t too well liked among the other xmen, but some of the younger kids haven’t known him long enough to avoid him, wade eventually gets roped into becoming a TA, since he does live there rent free, and gets used most often as a training dummy, because he can’t die, which is kind of a shitty reason, but he isn’t paying rent and he doesn’t want to let down the like two people that still believe in him just a bit

he takes an interest in peter, because the kid’s been holding back ever since they met, he can tell, but nobody else seems to notice, he’s been trying to goad peter into actually fighting him for once, and it’s not working and he keeps getting shit from logan for “not giving the kid a break”, logan doesn’t even live there and he’s still getting on wade’s case

wade doesn’t sleep a whole lot, mostly because giving his brain free time was asking for trouble, but also because he just never really needed it, something about the mutation, he’s sure, and peter is kind of the same way, he’s always up late tinkering in the lab unsupervised because nobody wants to stay up to watch him, and he’s usually pretty reliable

so late one night, wade’s making himself a plate of nachos and starts wandering around the mansion out of boredom, he finds peter in the dimly lit lab and he does a double take because peter is bending steel with his bare hands to get it in the right shape, shit looks like playdough

peter nearly jumps out of his skin when wade pops out of nowhere to ask what he’s doing, peter stumbles through an explanation about how he’s trying to get his web shooters to lay flat and they don’t have a 3d printer so…

and wade’s bored so he offers peter some nachos and asks if peter can show him how it works, and peter lights, he starts telling wade about how fucky the trigger is sometimes and how he tried using glass vials for the first few years before he got this massive piece of glass embedded in his arm and how he makes his own suits, and wade’s like no way, i tried that once and failed miserably, so now i just get my suits off a military supply store

and peter thinks that’s hilarious because nobody in this fucking building can sew, and after that night, peter actually starts listening to wade, which is a miracle in and of itself since he doesn’t listen to any of the teachers normally, he’s not exactly team material mostly because he won’t even try, he’s constantly going off on his own and getting himself in life or death situations because he doesn’t want to make anybody else a liability

sometimes wade sneaks out with peter to run around the city and stop crime, wade defends himself by saying this is progress since he didn’t kill anybody and he didn’t do any of it for money, therefore progress, any time peter gets in hot water wade will take the blame because “he’s just doing what i told him to”, so they end up working pretty well together as a team, ironically enough

wade eventually talks peter into sparing with him without holding back, wade brings his real bullets and knives and swords, and peter promises not to hold back, of course if anybody knew what they were doing, they wouldn’t get two minutes in, so wade broke the lock on the door and everybody watched on with barely concealed horror as peter and wade squared off

peter dodged bullets with ease and even caught one of the knives wade threw at him, and wade was still on his feet with a broken jaw, since he hadn’t realized that peter wasn’t just pulling his punches, he was faster than he let on too

wade got in so much shit after they finally pried the door off and got in the training room, he got kicked out of the mansion, he couldn’t even say goodbye to peter before he left, which is why it was weird that peter showed up at his new apartment the next day and claimed the spare bedroom, and when he tried to ask why peter just said it was a long time coming

and of course wade’s not happy about this, because i am not a teacher much less a good guy and you should go back to the mansion where you belong, except peter just ignores him, so wade’s a mentor now and he’s really not liking the responsibility and the way he panics every time peter decides to pull some dumbass stunt because he can

wade finally understands why everybody at the mansion always looks so fucking tired, it’s because they heard gremlins for a living, gremlins with death wishes, he’s never been so stressed out in his life, and when he tried to go back and get xavier to take peter back or at least fucking talk to him please, he got laughed out

and worst of all, colossus is proud of him for taking on responsibility and teaching peter, which is not at all what happened, so now he comes over for a weekly visit just to make sure they’re both alive and not just eating junk food, and peter keeps teasing wade about his very obvious crush on the guy, and for the first time ever he gets invited back to the mansion for hanukkah, wade’s still a bit confused on how his life got turned around so fast


	1083. Chapter 1083

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I know it's not the same universe, but Spiderverse!Peter complaining to Tony about Miles and Tony being like "oh, right, and you were the most well-behaved Spiderkid, weren't you? Mr. Jump-off-the-Washington-monument, track-down-a-supervillian-while-wearing-pajamas. This is payback for all the gray hairs you gave me. Suffer.""

lol peter would be calling up tony to complain about this kid not listening to him and risking his life to do dumb shit because he keeps thinking he can save everybody if he tries hard enough, he says the words “kids these days” before he stops dead, the realization slowly hitting him like a steamroller, and tony just waits for him to finish

and instead of offering any advice or telling him it’ll all work out or even being sympathetic, tony just waits for peter to be the one to say it

and peter goes shit how do you not have more grey hair, i was the literal worst, and tony just says i dye it

and then tony is tony so he does offer advice and tells him to give aunt may a call if he really wants to learn how to deal with kids, that woman is a saint and you should call her more often anyways, she misses hearing you, and he asks how the suit’s holding up, and peter admits he broke the last mask tony gave him like a month ago and he’s still using the spandex suits he makes himself

and tony runs a hand through his hair and tells peter, kid you’re killing me, and peter laughs and says you know you love me, and tony says, god help me i do, be safe out there, and if you or this new spiderkid need anything, you know where to find me


	1084. Chapter 1084

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, suicide, gore, murder, guns, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "ok, so wade is like 17 here, and he's walking home from another shitty day of school when he gets violently mugged in the ally he takes to sneak into his room so his asshole of a guardian doesn't hear him. wade knows how to defend himself but then the mugger pulls out a gun a points it at wade's head, telling him if he has any drugs on him (wade's guardian is an infamous dealer and always has the good stuff) wade says he doesn't and almost gets shot when spidey swings in to help him   
> spidey kicks the mugger unconscious and gives wade his backpack back. spidey salutes him goodbye and wade becomes obsessed. he spend the entire weekend looking up articles of spiderman and watching vidoes of him on youtube. months before wade turns 18, his guardian sells him to the weapon x program to pay off his debt. wade goes through the whole shebang (torture, experiments, the while thing). he manages to escape but at the price that he’s more unhinged than before  
> wade comes back to ny, broken and battered and with some new abilities. after some failed suicide attempts, he finds out he can’t die and makes everything worse for him. he decides to go for a walk and get caught at the wrong place at the wrong time. he gets caught in the middle of a gang shoot out and spidey swoops in just as wade gets gunned down. spidey webs up the gangsters and cries over wade’s dead body. but, thanks to his new abilities, wade survives the shot wounds  
> spidey is there when wade wakes up coughing his loungs out, but he doesn’t know about the healing factor. he just thinks wade is an unnaturally lucky dude to survive a shoot out. he takes wade to the hospital ans stays there for as long as he can. a few hours after spidey leaves, and after his nurses and doctors stopped checking up on him, wade escapes the hospital, having had enough of them. but, his old obsession for spidey resurfaces due to him waking to spidey crying over him  
> wade makes himself a new suit for his new alter ego. since he isn’t funded like other heroes, was steals some of his suit parts. like a bulletproof vest, a red sweater+hoodie, black combat boots and gloves. the mask he takes care of, since he wants to hide his newly scarred face, he adipts the name deadpool, curtuosy of weapon x. after a few nights of violently stopping the grosser criminals of nyc, wade takes up the mercenary title bc he REALLY REALLY needs the money   
> spidey, after he ran into this “deadpool” character for a few nights in a row, gets more and more suspicious when he finds him with more weapons and guns than usual. it all goes to hell when spidey catches deadpool brutally killing an apparently innocent man. spidey flips out before deadpool can tell him that the man he killed was one of the scientists in weapon x, and was one of the main scientists who conducted the near-torture experiments on him. what happens next depends on you"

when spiderman swoops in that first time, when wade’s got the barrel of a gun to his head and he’s terrified that this is as far as he’ll get, that was the first time anybody cared if wade lived or died, and the man only said like ten words to him, but that’s all it took, and he carried that with him for years, it helped him get through some of the shittiest parts of his life

after weapon x, wade wasn’t really a person, he certainly didn’t feel like one, he was a walking corpse that couldn’t just lay down and die, hell he couldn’t even sleep, every time he blinked he could see surgical knives and medical masks looming over him, and he couldn’t sleep without waking up screaming and gasping for air again, he was just so fucking tired

he started seeking out bad situations, walking across roads with his eyes closed, wandering around his guardians old place hoping somebody would recognize him, and finally he finds it when he wanders right into the middle of a shootout, it only hurts for a little bit before he’s gone, almost hoping that since it’s not his fault, maybe this time it’ll stick

but he wakes up in peter’s arms, coughing up blood and dead tissue, it’s hard to get a grasp on things, but it feels like he’s moving and peter’s chest is warm and it rumbles every time peter says you’re going to be ok kid, just hang on a little longer, wade feels confused at the way peter’s voice keeps cracking, because spiderman can’t possibly know it’s him, so why would he care

wade pretends to be asleep in the hospital room until peter leaves, and as soon as the coast is clear, he makes a run for it, he’s been in that hospital for far too long, lucky for him his panic was hindering his healing factor during the surgery, so nobody noticed anything except that it was a miracle he survived

meeting spiderman again rekindled that part of him when he was younger that had a little hope despite everything, and he realizes he can actually do something now, he’s fucking immortal, he can be the hero now

he starts picking gear off criminals and bodies, bulletproof vests and combat boots and he makes his own crude mask out of a ski mask he stole off some asshole that tried to stab him to death, just to find out it only made wade mad

he can’t really think of himself as a hero though, spiderman is a hero, and spiderman doesn’t hunt down rapists and murderers and watch them bleed to death, and he especially doesn’t do anything like that for money, but wade’s still alive and he’s gotta eat and having a place to sleep every once in a while would be nice, and he’s not going to steal socks off some dead guy, he’s got limits

peter’s been finding this guy, deadpool, around nyc occasionally, he keeps to himself, nobody knows anything about him and he never sticks around long enough for peter to figure out what he’s doing, but every time peter sees the guy, he’s got another knife or another gun, and peter’s not even sure they’re deadpool’s since none of them are clean or match or even have holsters

wade thought that when he escaped weapon x, he’d burned it all down behind him, it was supposed to be dead, so when he catches a guy in a drug ring he’s stalking with an all too familiar face and that fucking scar on his left hand where wade had gotten a lucky bite out of him, wade sees red, he doesn’t even remember to use a knife or a gun, he’s got fists and he uses them, the man’s begging for his life, every trick in the book, and wade can’t even hear him over the pounding in his ears, he just keeps hitting the guy until the bone’s splitting skin in his knuckles and the former scientist’s head is a bloody pulp on the floor

he’s punching the concrete beneath the guy’s head when peter tackles him off the guy’s corpse and shoves him against the nearest wall, hand like a vice over wade’s neck

peter’s yelling at him and wade isn’t listening, peter wants to know why wade killed him, and wade’s crying out of pain and frustration and he’s laughing because it’s just too much, he screams that the guy was lucky, look at him, he’s dead, and it’s his fault that wade’s never going to have that, “he took that away from me” wade screams

peter rips off wade’s mask and his heart drops when he recognizes wade, “christ kid, what happened” peter asks him, and finally finally a huge sob tears through wade’s body and he just goes limp, crying his heart out, peter lets him go and wraps him up in a hug instead

wade’s still young, too young, hell peter knew he was still a kid when he was wade’s age, and he can’t just leave him there, he asks wade if he’s got a place to go back to or just somebody he could call maybe, but wade just shakes his head, so peter groans because he already knows what he’s going to do

wade doesn’t talk the first week he stays with peter, hell he barely even moves from the shitty spring mattress peter dropped him in, peter leaves takeout just inside the door, and sometimes when he throws away the boxes, they’re a little lighter

when wade disappears, peter puts back on the suit and goes out and finds him, he’s got a crumpled file and 1k in his pocket, and he says he gets the rest when he’s done, and peter tells him like hell you are, i’ll bring the money back and you go the fuck back to my place and lay low until this blows over, wade isn’t the smartest kid, because he tries to run, which does not work at all, peter has to drag him back home and sit him down and force him to talk

wade says thanks for everything but i can take care of myself, and peter says i know, but you don’t have to, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and you don’t have to kill anybody, hell you don’t have to fight anybody either, anything you want to do, just name it and i’ll do whatever i can to help

and wade does not trust peter one bit, but he’s stronger and faster and very good at finding wade when he tries to leave, so he sarcastically says, fine, i wanna be a superhero, because when everybody’s a kid they all have that one dream that’s stupid and unrealistic that they never let go of, and that was wade’s

wade thinks peter’s forgotten about the whole thing until peter throws a red and black suit at wade and tells him to hurry up, they’re going on patrol


	1085. Chapter 1085

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

so peter’s been dating wade for five months now, and he’s taking it slow because he doesn’t want to do anything that would make wade uncomfortable, and he knows that wade’s got a lot of shit to deal with, and that’s fine, they’re working through it at their own pace, and peter is so happy and he’s planning on finally bringing wade over for dinner to meet may, and he’s so nervous about it

wade is so happy that he and peter are friends, like lately peter seems to have gotten really comfortable around him since he did the identity reveal and he seems to be a really touchy feely kind of person around his friends, which wade is not at all complaining about, and basically everything is just great and he’s a little scared of screwing it all up with his crush on spidey

in the middle of dinner with may, peter goes into the kitchen to get the biscuits out of the oven for may, and may leans over to wade and takes his hand and tells him quietly that she thinks he’s really good for peter and she’s happy for them, and wade chokes on his drink when she asks if they’ve been thinking about getting married in the future


	1086. Chapter 1086

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ellie constantly teases both Wade and Peter about their crushes separately. Meanwhile, Wade and Peter pine for each other and Ellie Will Not Stand For This"

so wade and peter both think they’re good at hiding it, but ellie’s got to be around the two of them all the time, and it’s seriously painful to watch them, they’re kind of fucking stupid even though they’re adults

ellie already knew that her dad really liked spiderman, he used to buy her spiderman furniture and costumes before she could even talk, and he’s got like three different toy web shooters that shoot silly string he won’t let ellie touch, and when he actually met spiderman, it got so much worse, wade had to tell ellie everything about spiderman all the time, even though ellie’s favorite hero was spiderman too, she still got sick of hearing spiderman this and spiderman that

and when peter started coming over, well she knew her dad was in love, and peter was honestly a let down, spiderman was supposed to be cool and well, a superhero, but in real life he’s just a giant nerd that can’t even cook anything but boxed mac and cheese

he is good at helping ellie with her homework though, and sometimes he lets her try swinging on his webs, she’s not supposed to tell her dad that she once got knocked off a building when peter was supposed to be watching her and he just barely saved her from going splat, she uses it as blackmail against him instead

but then peter started making up dumb excuses to come over, even though he could just crawl in a window whenever he wanted and nobody would blink, and he started trying to get her dad jobs with the avengers, and she knows that peter knows that it’s basically wade’s dream to be an avenger, and one time when peter stayed late to binge watch some tv show with her dad, when ellie was supposed to be in bed, she snuck into the kitchen to get some juice and saw her dad asleep on peter’s chest, and peter gently kissed wade’s knuckles in the dark

so obviously her dad and peter are hopeless idiots, and if they’re ever going to get together, then she’s going to have to help them along

ellie comes home from school one day, and when wade asks her how her day was, she doesn’t say anything, wade thinks she’s mad at him until it’s been three days and she still hasn’t said a word, he calls peter since he’s mildly panicking, but peter can’t get her to talk either, she won’t use any of the sign language she knows or write or draw to communicate, wade won’t bring her to the doctor, so peter suggests they try one of the avengers with a phd, since none of them are technically doctors

ellie thinks her plan is going great, not only does she get to meet cool superheroes, but peter hasn’t left her dad alone since the call

she doesn’t actually realize how much she’s scaring people until she accidentally hears wade and peter talking late one night when they think she’s asleep, wade’s on the verge of tears and peter’s got him wrapped in a hug telling him they’re going to get to the bottom of this, and wade is wondering if this is all his fault since he won’t bring her to an actual hospital

she doesn’t sleep that night, she knows how bad her dad is afraid of doctors and stuff like that, he can’t even watch cartoons that have needles in them, she doesn’t know what to do now, because her dad’s going to get mad if she tells him she was faking, but she can’t keep doing it either

peter is up early the next morning, before wade, and ellie slinks into the kitchen with her heart in her stomach, and her voice is a little raw from not using it for so long, but she asks peter if he can keep a secret, and peter decides not to go shake wade awake and instead hear ellie out

ellie explains her whole plan and how it was going great, until it wasn’t, and peter’s embarrassed out of his mind, because even wade’s kid could see how obviously in love with wade he was

now there is no way in hell that peter was going to let wade find out why the whole thing started, so he and ellie came up with a plan, peter makes a deal with loki and gets a cheap amulet that has just enough residual magic in it to pass, ellie and peter leave the amulet in ellie’s room, just by the window, right where wade would see it

and wade did find it, and he asked peter if it looked familiar, and peter pretended to “accidentally” break it when wade handed it to him, and ellie “magically” started talking again, wade just about cried with relief

peter did ask wade on a real date soon after, and peter and ellie will take her secret to the grave


	1087. Chapter 1087

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**peter when he and wade first met:** gosh darn it!

 **peter five years into their relationship:** wade if i give you a blowjob will you do the fucking dishes


	1088. Chapter 1088

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ptsd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [milkshake-sprinkels](https://milkshake-sprinkels.tumblr.com/), "In honor of the 4th of July: Do fireworks trigger Wad and/or Peter(cause they sound and smell like guns)"

it’s not wade’s favorite day of the year, hell he’s not even american, so he’s allowed to be bitter, it’s not so much the fireworks themselves that set him off, it’s not knowing when they’re coming, in new york most of the bigger fireworks that he has a problem with are banned, but that doesn’t stop everybody

peter knows that wade has a hell of a time on the 4th, so he always invites wade over to his place, wade gets high off his ass and they turn up the volume and watch whatever the hell is on netflix until it’s so early the next morning that nobody’s got any fireworks left

they also make their obligatory birthday call to steve, even if he never picks up


	1089. Chapter 1089

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [xeniawarriorprincesa](http://xeniawarriorprincesa.tumblr.com/), "So Deadpool and Spider-man team up for a recon mission and make it out only missing Wades arms. Wade has a getaway car parked outside but can't operate it due to no arms so he asks Peter to drive. That's the moment Peter reveals that he never learned how to drive."

so normally peter and wade just run away or something, but tonight called for speed, so wade had a getaway car set up before hand, and he figured they wouldn’t need a getaway driver since ya know, there two of them

well fighting robot ninjas really fucking sucks, and wade tried to hold them off as long as he could to give peter enough time to hit self destruct on the factory and run, which means he got his arms cut off again and had to throw himself out a window to get away

he and peter make it to the car and peter gets in the drivers seat and pulls out the keys, and wade has to watch peter try and jam the keys into the ignition and then not get the car to start, peter admits real fast that he’s never had to drive a car before, and wade starts yelling what the fuck do you mean you don’t know how to drive, you have a spidercycle, you drove a tank over a ton of aliens before

and peter is just like, none of those things work like a fucking car and i never got my license, i live in new york, what do you want from me

eventually peter gets the car running and slams on the gas just as the robot ninjas show up again, and peter really can’t drive for shit, so wade grabs the wheel with his teeth and starts yanking them around, and by some miracle, they do eventually shake the robot ninjas, but just barely

wade starts laughing his ass of at peter now because he’s got time to laugh, and peter tells him to shut up already, it’s not that funny

it is


	1090. Chapter 1090

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

peter got recruited by shield years after he first gained his powers, when he finally made himself into a big enough deal for them to care

wade wilson was a shield agent, he took the job because of the money, and also the weapons, the weapons are fun, but he’s one of the best at what he does

peter happened to be in the gym when wade went looking for a super to challenge, because he’s just got that much faith in himself, or maybe his ego was just that big, but peter kicked his ass, soundly, and later when wade found out peter had been holding back, well that just added insult to injury

at first peter finds it annoying that wade keeps pushing him to spar, but it ends up becoming fun, especially when wade finally makes peter hit the mat, they work so well together just from the sheer amount of training they did together for fun, that they ended up getting partnered for a lot of missions, everybody else hates going with them when they’re together though, neither of them shut up, ever

and then one day peter comes into work, and finds wade sitting in a hallway, just staring at the ground, wade told peter he had cancer, he had six months left to live

peter sat down next to him and asked if wade was going to go see his family, wade laughed because what family, you don’t take shield jobs because of the hours

funny how you can trust someone with your life, and not know a goddamn thing about them

instead peter asked wade if he wanted to swing around new york for a while, wade wouldn’t stop whooping and yelling the whole time, peter couldn’t stop himself from laughing as wade clung to him for dear life and screamed at the top of his lungs, this is so much better than flying a jet!

over the next few days, wade looked less and less himself, he’d been trying doctor after doctor, even shield couldn’t help him now, peter should have known something was up when wade said he didn’t want to die without a fight, because after a week, he disappeared

for five goddamn years, peter lived his life like wade had died, he went to the fucking funeral, he mourned and cried and moved on, and then shield hired deadpool

when he heard wade’s voice, he turned around so fast his neck almost snapped, it was rougher now, well it had been before, but now he sounded like a chain smoker trying to gargle rocks

peter called his name, and when wade hesitated, peter knew, he fucking knew, peter was already tearing up, he didn’t know if he should punch wade in the face or give him a bone crushing hug, instead he just stood there and let out something halfway between a sob and a laugh

but when he reached for wade, wade flinched away, they didn’t talk much, wade had something to do, so he left, after that peter hardly ever saw him, even when they talked, it was always so short and clipped, impersonal

peter asked wade where he’d been, but wade just told him it didn’t matter and that was that

peter’s kind of stressing the fuck out, because this was the man that had saved his life so many times, the guy he’d taken fucking bullets for, that he cried over an empty coffin for, and now he won’t even say two words to peter


	1091. Chapter 1091

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, character death, gore, guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](http://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "Can we please have more of Peter and wade being in shield and then wade finds out he has cancer!!??"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Alright alright alright alright…. I like angsty post like the one u just did but it can’t end like that my heart💔”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “can u do a part 2 to ur last post?????”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Ahhhhhh I love this blog so. Much. Would you please continue the “peter is recruited to shield and wade is diagnosed with cancer” au?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “OMG I NEEEED MORE SHEILD!WADE OMG THE ANGST IT HURTTTTS”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “please continue that shield team up one”
> 
> Ask from [neinnerr](http://neinnerr.tumblr.com), "Do you have more of the shield Agent AU by any chance? I just love it ;;”
> 
> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](http://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com), "Can you continue the shield agent! Wade au you did? I’m in love”
> 
> Ask from [milkshake-sprinkels](http://milkshake-sprinkels.tumblr.com), "Can u write more of that shield au?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Can you please tell more about the Wade & Peter are agent of the shield. And Wade return as Deadpool after 5years?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “There was this one shield agent wade that supposedly died but came back five years later, sry it’s vague, butyou left it on a cliffhanger(ish) so I wanted to know if you would possibly finish it??”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “I love that SHIELD au!! I need to know what happens next”

years of training until you bleed don’t just evaporate, regardless of how long it’s been, shield keeps pairing peter and wade up for missions because they work together like it’s muscle memory, peter hates it

wade’s back in his life again and he can’t even talk to the guy, five goddamn years and wade didn’t think to fucking call, jesus, peter liked to think he was the closest thing wade’s had to family in a long time, and then this happens and peter doesn’t know what to think anymore

wade is… different, peter’s been noticing it the more he’s around wade, wade’s always been reckless but this is different, this is horrifying

they’re going after a rogue hydra scientist, nothing new, but this guy had some experimental tech he’d run away with and it was making things a bitch and a half, peter felt it coming before he saw the gun, he yelled at wade to get out of the way, but wade just kept moving forward

it’s like it all happened in slow motion, wade getting his hand around the guy’s neck, the blast lighting up wade’s chest from the inside before it all blew outward and away, enough gore that it felt like a bad horror movie

peter dropped everything, he didn’t know that the rest of their team had apprehended the scientist until he went to the briefing the next day, he was just trying to web together the gaping hole in wade’s chest before he bled out, get him to a medic, anybody that could help

he wasn’t fast enough, wade told him he was going to be ok so don’t worry about it, and then he fucking died in peter’s arms

the next day wade walked into the briefing halfway through, peter punched him so hard the whole room could hear his jaw snap, somebody sedated peter because the next thing he knew he was waking up in one of the hulk grade cells, his boss was on the other side of the glass because nobody wanted to be in there with peter

peter got suspended for a month, because “he’s a fucking idiot” isn’t a good enough excuse to break your coworker’s face

peter’s got nothing to do, so he goes out and starts conning people out of free booze at bars so he doesn’t have to pay for his stupid super resistance, it takes like five bars, but he finally gets drunk, and then he does something stupid

wade finally answers the number peter got off one of the hr guys and asks where did you get this number, peter slurs you fucking asshole, wade picks up on who it is real quick, peter doesn’t hold back, he’s crying about the funeral when wade asks gently if he’s drunk, peter tells him he drank a bar, and then he drank some more, so fuck you

wade asks if peter needs him to call a cab, peter says fuck you again, and then wade hears a lot of swearing and crashing from peter’s end, so he traces the call and goes to pick up peter himself, and maybe that was a mistake

peter is mad, he’s very mad, he’s not very coordinated but he’s mad and things are breaking and wade’s afraid the next thing might be him, he’s hiding behind a dumpster yelling at peter in an attempt to calm him down, and it’s not working

peter’s just so fucking angry about everything, the funeral, five goddamn years of radio silence, that he can’t even talk to his best goddamn friend even though they fucking work together, that he fucking died yesterday in peter’s god fucking damn fucking shit arms fuck

wade starts to realize he may have made a huge ass mistake right about the time peter collapses in some gross broken alley to cry over him, wade says he didn’t think he was coming back, he wasn’t supposed to, he wasn’t supposed to be here, be this, be alive

wade can’t tell him about all of it, weapon x, the torture, escaping, trying to die, so instead he says he’s sorry

peter pulls him into a bone crushing hug and gets snot and tears all over wade’s suit, he calls wade an asshole again, because he is

wade almost jumps out of his own skin when he feels peter trying to get his mask off, he grabs peter’s hand but then he looks at peter, closes his eyes, and lets go

and instead of anything he expected, his eyes flutter open to peter kissing the daylights out of him, _oh_


	1092. Chapter 1092

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade, in civvies, end up sitting next to each other on the subway."

peter recognizes wade when he sits down next to him on the subway, wade’s suspicious looking as hell, but it’s the subway in nyc so he’s like the tenth most suspicious person in the car, behind the angry looking woman with three chickens that were not in cages, and the asshole vaping in a sequin jumpsuit

peter kind of wants to say something to wade, and he sees the spiderman hat he’s wearing and tells wade nice hat, and wade lights up a little and starts talking about spiderman like the massive fanboy he is, and peter ends up getting into an argument with him about which reiteration of the spiderman suit was the best, because for some reason wade liked that one with the muted colors that peter hated and only made because the fabric was on sale

peter takes the subway a lot, so he ends up seeing wade a few more times, and every time they end up talking, and it’s honestly the most normal interactions he’s ever had with the guy

one time they met up when peter was bringing a box of doughnuts to work so he gave one to wade, so wade felt he had to return the favor and the next time they saw each other, wade had found out where he worked and brought him lunch from five different restaurants because he didn’t know which one peter would like

it was only mildly creepy, since peter knew this was wade after all, he gave wade his phone number and said next time let me get you lunch, so now like once a week they meet up at some shitty restaurant for lunch and gush about super heroes

and it’s going great until somebody blows up half the five guys they’re at and there’s no other heroes around, peter and wade both make shitty excuses and run off to change into their hero costumes, and then peter panics when it’s over and wade can’t find peter parker, he says an ambulance took him away

so now peter has to pretend he’s got a broken leg for a couple months while wade feels so guilty about the whole thing that he’ll barely leave peter alone for five minutes


	1093. Chapter 1093

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg. Does wade catch peter walking around without a cast? Or does peter just get so annoyed that he confesses his identity? Or does he accidentally make a reference that only spidey and Deadpool know"

wade wasn’t supposed to know where peter lived, so when peter answered the door, standing and sans cast, lets just say they were both surprised

wade pushes his way inside as peter’s trying and failing to come up with an excuse, peter doesn’t really have an answer when wade slams down a singing get well soon card and a takeout container of pho down on the table and says what the hell man

peter pulls from his desperate excuses roulette wheel, and says, face burning the more he talks, that he’s an attention seeking pathological liar and this was all an elaborate hoax to make wade spend more time with him out of guilt, which for some reason wade takes at face value, and instead of realizing that peter had a different reason for sneaking away at the scene of the crime, he sits peter down and tells him that he considers them good friends already and peter doesn’t have to do all this and yadda yadda yadda, peter stopped listening real fast when the panic set in

so now peter’s ditched the cast and occasionally has to drop elaborate lies and hoaxes around wade to make it seem like he’s actually a pathological liar, which peter soon finds out is sadly very easy, since he’s been lying about his life, activities, and whereabouts since he was in high school, it’s already second nature

all the effort that peter keeps putting into pretending he’s babysitting a rescue bat, hiding spiderman, falsifying dental records to show that he was born with an extra front tooth, and keeping up with the rest of his life is stretching him real thin, and one of these days wade’s going to catch one of his important lies, and he can’t even remember which ones those are right now

and then wade catches him with the suit, red handed with the suit and the webshooters and everything and peter’s saying i can explain before he’s even got an idea of how to explain, but wade just gives him this disappointed look and says, peter, i know you’re not spiderman, we talked about this, you don’t have to lie to impress me

it takes everything peter has not to bust up laughing, god this pathological liar thing was the best excuse he’s ever had


	1094. Chapter 1094

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [badumdum](https://badumdum.tumblr.com/), "What happened next in the subway au?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “So, when does Wade find out that peter isn’t, in fact, a pathological liar and is actually spiderman?”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “That pathological liar thing was the shit, could you continue it?”

the pathological liar thing was all well and good, until peter almost drowned while helping fight off a kraken, because that’s the kind of week peter was having, wade was the one who pulled him out of the water, ripped off what was left of his mask and performed cpr, which is a hell of a thing to do while having his world crashing down around him

wade was uncharacteristically quiet through the rest of the battle, peter was being forced to sit the rest of it out, but usually he could hear wade across the battlefield, he was out of it, but even then he knew something was wrong

peter couldn’t get a hold of wade, he wasn’t picking up his phone, wasn’t at his house when peter stopped by, and wasn’t on the subway like he usually was, peter was absolutely going to go into panic mode and start hacking shield, because he knows they keep an eye on wade, but wade showed up on his doorstep, absolutely wasted on “so many fucking drugs”

it was hard keeping up with wade, who was holding two different conversations at the same time, one with peter and another with the voices in his head, but the gist of it was “you told me about the patha-liar-igal thing before so im gonna forgive you, but fuck you man“

peter’s so happy about wade not only showing back up, but also forgiving him, that he doesn’t even mind that wade threw up all over his carpet

when wade finally came to, it was awkward as hell, but wade finally asked if there was anything else peter wanted to tell him, since he was still buzzed enough to be mildly happy right now

peter shrugged and said he wasn’t actually taking care of a rescue bat, wade asked where he got the bat from then, because peter had an actual bat last time he was here, and peter had to admit that he climbed up a building as spiderman, caught a bat, went and got a rabies shot because the bat bit him several times, and then he used a very small dose of tranquilizer to keep the bat calm while wade was there

they both broke down in a fit of giggles and peter promised to start telling wade the truth from now on


	1095. Chapter 1095

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is a throw the controller type rage-quit gamer and wade is a shoot the console type rage-quit gamer"

like peter thought he was bad, the last time he played a version of mario old enough you couldn’t save your progress between game overs, he picked up the console and threw it _through_ the wall, it was very hard to explain to his landlord and he had to buy a new console

but then he and wade had game night and wade got so butt hurt about not even being able to finish rainbow road on mario kart, that he straight up shot the thing, peter was so surprised he jumped on the ceiling, his landlord is so fucking close to kicking him out


	1096. Chapter 1096

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "listen but: peter somehow sleepwalking into wades house and snuggling him in his sleep and wade just wakes up to this guy in his bed and flips tf out /cue identity reveal/ and peter still does it repeatedly! so wade now sleeps over at peters place and they have cute snuggles everyday"

so peter’s dead on his feet one night after a patrol, maybe reopened some diy stitches from the other day again and he’s feeling a little light headed, his brain goes on autopilot and he heads home and curls up in bed and just passes out, except he was thinking about going to wade’s place for more painkillers for his broken ribs and got his house and wade’s house mixed up in his head

so wade wakes up to the slow realization that he’s got some guy wrapped around him like a boa and bleeding out in his bed, which honestly not the weirdest thing he’s woken up to, but still what the actual fuck

peter’s still pretty out of it when wade shakes him awake, like really out of it, fuck he lost a lot of blood, wade recognizes his voice and realizes real fast that spidey’s not doing so great when peter asks wade what he’s doing in his house and then slumps over

wade’s mildly panicking when he stitches peter back up and slaps an iv on him, he got to meet the man behind the mask, just in time to watch him die, that would be the worst thing ever

peter wakes up, very confused, to wade’s mask looming over him and asking questions too fast for him to keep up, peter is incredibly awkward about the whole thing and absolutely tries to walk right out a window and instead falls flat on his face

wade spends the whole day telling him he’s an idiot and practically force feeding him takeout and ice cream, peter’s still pretty loopy from the blood loss and pain since he won’t take pain killers, so he’s fairly compliant, and when wade turns on some cartoons, peter starts reciting spongebob word for word along with the episode, wade thinks it’s hilarious

after peter’s finally good enough to get himself home, his feet still end up taking him to wade’s place time and time again, sometimes he’s not even high or half dead, he just wasn’t thinking, but wade never asks questions when he shows up, and if they wake up in bed together, they’ve both been known to stay quiet so the other can get more sleep

peter still finds himself standing in the pile of ruble that used to be wade’s apartment complex sometimes, its been four years, but his feet keep dragging him back, as if one of these times wade’s going to be there, waiting


	1097. Chapter 1097

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More of the sleepwalking peter au please? It's so good and I need more! That angsty ending though, my heart. Ps: I love all your spideypool stories so much! They're the highlight of my dash"

wade followed peter back, just some sort of lingering curiosity maybe, just to see how great peter’s doing now that they haven’t seen each other in five years, and it’s not what wade was expecting

peter’s still living alone in a shitty apartment, wade thought for sure he’d pick back up with one of his exes eventually, and wade knows he’s not supposed to be here, but he waits until peter leaves the next morning to break in, because he’s a fucking masochist and he’ll never learn

peter’s still eating like he’s 20, he’s still got that mountain of dirty laundry on his bed he washes twice a year, and he still keeps the suit under the floorboards in his closet, but some things are different too

peter’s got a fish tank, there’s a bright red beta inside, wade taps the glass just to make sure it’s alive and throws it some sympathy fish flakes, peter’s kitchen is covered in papers, bills, bills, a postcard from his aunt, a grocery list, bills, twenty manila folders stuffed with classified information on shield activity that peter probably stole, and a letter from his dentist telling him it was time for a check up

wade always thought peter would have like a house and a kid and a dog and granite countertops by now, the whole family and a picket fence deal, he always seemed like the type, wade wasn’t expecting that exactly, of course, but he also wasn’t expecting… this

peter’s spiderman, he’s the good guy, the good guy is supposed to get the girl and live happily ever after and not have what looks like five years worth of grease stains built up on his counter from lonely friday nights spent eating takeout and pouring over work and his favorite hobby, more work

wade leaves everything as he found it and locks the door behind him, it had been sobering, finding out that things didn’t go the way he’d wanted them to, but really he should have known, he never finds anything good when he sticks his nose where it wasn’t meant to be, and besides, it’s still better this way

when peter gets home later that night, he shoves everything on his counter aside to put down the pizza box and throw the mail on top of that, he kicked off his shoes and threw his coat on his bed as he went to feed his fish, for some reason the little guy wasn’t eating as much as he usually did and peter was worried he’d have to take him to the vet again


	1098. Chapter 1098

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), "Okay It the middle of the night but bare with me. Imagine high school prom AU. Wade decides to ask peter to prom during one of their video game hangouts. He has it all planned out. He ordered a pizza and had “prom?” Spelled on it with pepperoni. But he never checked the pizza and after peter took a piece but never answered wade checked and the place he went to puts the cheese on top of everything. Que wade spelling out ‘prom?’ In m&ms on the half ate pizza."

oh man poor wade, like he’s been planning this for months, and when it comes down to it, it gets fucked up!, like that three minutes before peter hands him the box to get his own slice of pizza wade’s brain is going a mile a minute just panicking, and it’s all for nothing

so he’s trying to decide whether he should cobble together another idea or just abandon the whole thing now, maybe it’s a sign, he should just give up now before he gets rejected, this is the universe giving him a second chance

but then peter says how much you wanna bet i can shove this whole slice in my mouth right now, and wade remembers that he’s a love struck idiot and of course he’s going through with this, so he runs to the kitchen and he’s looking around and panicking, because his foster parents keep like no food in the house

and since he doesn’t have any other options, he runs upstairs and steals the m&ms from the secret candy stash he’s not supposed to know about or touch, and peter makes fun of him for liking chocolate on his pizza

and when wade’s done, he hands the closed box to peter, who absolutely expects there to be a dick drawn in m&ms on the ¾ pizza that’s left, so he opens it, and his jaw drops because he hasn’t attended any school functions since he started school and prom’s always the last thing on his mind and he didn’t think anybody was actually going to ask him, but there it is, and he has to ask wade if it’s a joke, because it feels a lot like another joke at his expense and it wouldn’t be the first time

and wade’s face falls because crap he was ready for rejection, but not like this, so he bites back the wobble in his voice and he says no it’s not a joke, and peter turns to him with glassy eyes and says yes, and wade has to ask him to say it again because he wasn’t sure he heard peter right the first time

may buys them matching ties for their rented tuxes, and even though peter keeps rolling his eyes and telling may shes embarrassing him every time may tells them just one more picture, peter’s got the biggest grin on his face the whole time, and so does wade


	1099. Chapter 1099

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade goes to Disney Land (Wade making him take a break, Peter is reluctant), somehow Peter was able to take a stash of weed on the plane (they went on American Airlines or smth and Peter just pretends it's legal and he did nothing wrong), and they proceed to get high at Disney Land. Hilarity ensues, as well as most likely getting kicked out."

so wade gets it in his head that his pal spidey needs a break, like a real one, probably from when he threw wade in a dumpster and shouted get down, just to have some kid’s baseball bounce harmlessly off the dumpster

so he breaks into peter’s house, packs his shit, and when peter gets home wade’s already handing him a forged passport and his bags and telling him they’re going to miss their flight

wade doesn’t tell him where they’re going and kind of has to blackmail peter a little into going with him, but it works, and when they get to disney, peter’s eyes light up like a kid at chirstmas and he tells wade he’s never been before

and then wade pulls out the edibles from peter’s bag and peter says very loudly, oh so that’s why the tsa pulled me aside for a random search, but peter takes them anyways because they kill his spider sense and sometimes that’s nice

they spend the whole day running around disney doing all the things they’ve always wanted to, peter gets escorted out of the snow white adventure ride after he reflexively leaned over to punch the witch as she popped up, and broke the ride, wade couldn’t stop laughing for hours

they eat so many churros, that peter, super metabolism and munchies combined, feels stuffed, and speaking of food, on the second night there, he finds out wade made a reservation for the most expensive disney restaurant and spends the entire night muttering about how everyone is too nice and how this feels like a trap and wade we are way too under dressed for this, wade doesn’t let him see the bill because peter might actually have a heart attack if he knew anyone would spend that much on dinner

they finally get kicked out on day three after peter gets bet by a little kid that he can’t climb space mountain, he shoves his cotton candy in wade’s hands and proves that kid wrong, he then further upsets the security staff by getting himself down instead of waiting for them to finish rescuing him

they spend the rest of the trip trying to go to water parks only to have a thunder storm drive them off every goddamn time, but all in all it was a pretty fun vacation


	1100. Chapter 1100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade: “I think I’m in love.” Spidey: “oh yeah? Who’s the lucky person?” Wade: “this guy named Peter Parker.” Spidey, internally: ‘shit’"

peter’s played himself, he thought it was a smart move to play dumb when wade ran into him walking out of the baxter building and he said yes when wade asked peter to hide him, peter did not know at the time that wade was hiding from the cops for “accidentally” running over a mail box so he could get a letter out of it, but what’s done is done

after that wade kept “accidentally” running into peter whenever he dropped by the building, one thing led to another and peter said yes to coffee, and lunch, and dinner, and staying the night

but see, wade still thinks that peter thinks that wade is like a normal person, albeit with shit luck and a skin disease, ok so a relatively normal person, but then their relationship started getting serious

and one day peter ran into wade while they were both out superheroing, and wade said i think i’m in love, and peter asked, who’s the lucky person, not at all expecting his actual boyfriend to say his actual name, because peter is a grade A dumbass, so when wade says peter parker, peter has to go through about 12 more emotions than he usually feels in a year in the span of seven seconds, because his boyfriend just told him he loved him for the first time, but he’s not allowed to know that because technically wade just told his best friend about his relationship and he really should start looking for a way out of this conversation

so peter has to do that bullshit thing where he gives wade vague answers about what he should do until wade got mad at him for not just telling him what he thinks, to which peter exasperated, tries to say he just doesn’t want to influence wade’s decision at all because he’s not an impartial third party, which quickly turns into peter accidentally implying, as spiderman, that he’s in love with wade, because again, peter is a dumbass

peter starts getting worried when wade stops talking to both peter and spidey for a week, he can’t find wade anywhere or get a hold of him at all, he may have left about a million messages as peter, becuase peter is allowed to be worried about his boyfriend not responding, but he also fucks up and calls wade from spiderman’s phone to apologize and leaves a message

so when wade gets back from the mission he took to clear his head, well he’s listening to his messages and starts to feel a lot guilty that he didn’t say anything, and he’s already trying to figure out how he’s going to apologize, when he hits one message that sounds a little off, it’s obviously peter, but he’s trying to apologize about something? and then he signs off as spiderman and wade drops his phone because he just got the connection


	1101. Chapter 1101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade and peter are both really loud. Annoyingly so. Other heroes are adamant that Deadpool and spidey DON’T stay alone in the same room on overnight missions, thank you very much. The avengers, the x-men, whatever team-up they’re in, unfortunately learned the hard way"

nobody ever expects it at first, not because peter and wade try to hide their relationship in any way, it’s more, most people have some sort of self awareness, peter and wade do not

the avengers found out the hard way after manhattan almost got zapped into space and peter and wade were out a house since their place had been right on the fault line, so tony, philanthropic idiot that he is, said the offer still stands, he’s still got that room for peter in the tower

see most rooms in the tower are sound proof, after that incident with cap accidentally punching a hole through his wall and things were heard by the whole floor that none of them will ever mention on pain of death, except tony forgot the room he converted to be peter’s room was also the room cap had punched the unfortunate hole in, which he had never gotten around to fixing beyond a patch job

peter no longer has a room in the tower anymore

murdock made the mistake of letting peter crash on his couch once after peter helped him out breaking up a drug ring in hells kitchen, matt had to wake up to the sound of peter waking up to wade giving him a blowjob, neither wade or peter are allowed within 10 feet of the firm anymore, matt drafted the restraining order that morning after they left

the xmen have psychics, so you’d think they’d be smart enough to avoid this whole debacle from the get go, but no, half the building gets woken up in the middle of the night after peter wade and copycat decided to have a threesome, what’s worse is some of the other xmen could recognize vanessa using their voices in bed, wade and peter have to stay in the guest house now whenever they stay with the xmen, and to this day, professor xavier and kurt won’t look either of them in the eye


	1102. Chapter 1102

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Venom sort of have an understanding, he eats copious amounts of chocolate and Venom keeps their cool, and Venom is just happy to be back in their favorite person. However, the no-violence thing means Venom sort of absorbs the world different to keep his frustrations at bay, and essentially makes Peter literally slow himself down and stop to smell the roses because wow, those are really pretty lilies, and hey why can't we pet the cat, and can we have a bagel today please please please?"

peter goes to therapy, and in therapy he describes the emotions and urges and problems venom has that he can feel, and his therapist actually teaches him how to deal with those problems, which peter then has to convince venom to try, which miraculously works, on top of the personalized medications he takes that balance out his and venom’s fucked hormone levels

some of venom’s coping mechanisms aren’t all that convenient for peter, but hey pretty much anything looks good when the alternative is graphic memories of sucking terrified eyeballs out of bleeding skulls, peter only gets that nightmare every week

venom’s been doing really good with anger management lately, and that’s thanks to a lot of hard work and a quite frankly insane amount of meditation and “seeking out goodness in the world”, which whatever it works, but that also means that venom jumps from thing to thing seeking calm and happy feelings, which could mean stepping out of line at starbucks in the morning to go bird watching for an hour and being late for work, or impulse buying a cat and having to return it the next day

but all in all venom is a lot better to be around this way, and they really make peter step back and smell the roses, and watch the bees, and count how many red cars he sees in a day and get six different bagels when he only meant to get some water, and you know what, screw common sense, sometimes venom is right, six bagels is better a bottle of water


	1103. Chapter 1103

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "“Wade.? Waaade? WAAAAAAAAADE?!” “Jelly bean, why aren’t you calling me Dad?” “Well, I call Peter by his first name when he’s my dad too, right?” AU where Wade and Peter have been basically dating each other, only they have no idea until a certain kid clues these idiots in on it. Like, they basically raised her together and they still don’t realize it."

so wade’s got an extra bedroom in the bigger place he bought to live in with ellie, and he was thinking about renting it out to help pay for bills, when spidey mentions he needs to find a new place, so of course wade offers, and he’s not going to make motherfucking spiderman pay rent, which peter makes up for in buying groceries because he feels guilty about not paying rent

peter lived in that house for exactly 16 hours before he saw ellie mixing cheetos into her breakfast ramen, immediately left to get real food, and came back shouting something about how he and wade might treat their bodies like shit but there is a whole ass child in the house and she doesn’t know what fucking cauliflower is, she called it dead broccoli wade, dead broccoli

peter and wade start trading off school functions and drop offs to fit their crazy schedules, occasionally one of them drops the ball and ellie wakes up five hours after school started and sits herself down in front of the tv with a carton of ice cream while she drinks the fudge sauce straight out of the bottle

every time ellie gets a new favorite super hero that isn’t wade or peter, they both end up sulking about it for weeks, peter misses when he was ellie’s favorite and she’d clean her room whenever he asked the first time around, wade just about cried the first halloween ellie turned down the little deadpool suit he’d made her in favor of painting herself green and screaming at all the other kids

peter and wade lock themselves out of the house all the time because they’re both dumbasses that forget to use the door like normal people, it happens so often that ellie had to teach peter to pick a lock so she and wade wouldn’t have to do it for him anymore

speaking of locks, peter took one look at the shitty lock on the door to wade’s gun room and said yeah fuck that, and made a shiny new automated one that she’ll probably learn how to hack in middle school

wade and ellie tried making peter a surprise birthday cake one year, everything that could go wrong went wrong, they accidentally used brownie batter instead of cake mix, the thing got stuck in the cake pan and didn’t cook all the way through, and no matter what they did, the frosting never stopped being a liquid, and they caught a dishtowel on fire by accident

peter was walking home from work that day when a firetruck with sirens blaring passed him by, and then so did another one, and at the end of the street they turned right, peter ran so fast he made it home before the fire trucks raced by the house and onto their real destination, he did end up putting out a fire though

they stuck the failed brownie cake in the freezer and then chipped off pieces of it to dunk in the liquid icing, wade got him the new camera he’d been drooling over for months and ellie gave him a card she drew herself with some new ideas for the spiderman costume, peter said he’ll think about adding a tutu, promise, so all in all it was still a pretty great birthday

ellie had had some conversation with a kid at school about what to call step parents, ended up questioning why she called her dad dad, and that day when she came home, she started calling wade by his name, and wade was so hurt that he had to sit ellie down and ask her what was up, but he wasn’t expecting her to say, well peter’s my dad too but i don’t call him that

wade’s cleaning his weapons later that day because ellie calling peter her dad just rattled the fuck out of him, but he picks up his special katanas that peter had had handmade and engraved for him and quietly whispered, holy shit, i married spiderman


	1104. Chapter 1104

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "It me, and I am back on my bullshit lol. If you can, oh awesomesauce writer who we all adore, could we get a continuation of the AU where Ellie called Wade by his first name? I would love to know what the heck happens if she calls Peter Dad or Papa."

since wade got so upset when she stopped calling him dad, she decided to go the other way and just call the both of them dad, when peter picked her up from school, she called him dad, and he choked on his coffee, he had to ask, you know i’m not actually your dad right?

ellie gives him a pat and tells him it’s ok, she already knows that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls, one boy in her class has two dads too

and peter’s just so goddamn out of his element that the rest of the way home he doesn’t say a word

wade and peter start acting weird around each other, because no matter how they look at it, they’re basically married, just without the rings, and honestly peter can’t even imagine leaving, he’s gotten so used to having ellie and wade around, and wade already knows he’d be heartbroken if peter up and left

at the same time they both come to a conclusion, however, it is not the same conclusion

peter and wade are in the kitchen together, peter doing dishes and wade packing ellie’s lunch for tomorrow, wade’s gathering up his courage to ask if peter wants to maybe stick around on a more permanaent basis, like as part of their little family, and see what happens, when peter casually asks over his shoulder, “hey, wanna get married?”

wade drops a knife on his foot and swears so loud ellie comes running out of her room to see what’s going on, obviously wade says yes and ellie’s stuck trying to figure out what she’s going to call peter besides dad, since wade says that one’s his


	1105. Chapter 1105

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, scientist au, military au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i went on a tour of an airforce base recently and when we got to see the planes i couldn't help but think of engineer!peter designing fighter jets on other military things (maybe as an employee of stark industries). and somehow military!wade meets him (maybe peter is roped into demoing a certain piece of tech) and falls in love and just flirts like no one's business and peter is just a little nerd and has no idea why this hunk of man is saying these things!"

so one of the big r&d branches of stark industries is aeronautics research and development, because even if stark isn’t manufacturing weapons anymore, the us military industrial complex is still hella profitable, and the government is not above seizing his shit if he refuses to cooperate anyways

peter’s been an engineer under stark industries for years, he started out with an internship and got hired before he even finished his degree, and since he was a full time employee, stark industries literally paid him to finish college, and then some, he bought may a trip to nebraska to visit her friend last year because he could

it’s not unusual for tony stark to pop in and see how things are going, sometimes colonel rhodes pops in too to find somebody that’ll help him mess with the iron man armour to prank tony, peter’s been that person before

well one day stark walks in, barely contained laughter, and says he’s got something hilarious to show everybody, the classified file is recent and military, and everybody’s in stitches halfway through because it’s the stupidest goddamn idea they’ve ever seen and some idiot not only signed off on the project, but apparently there’s three of these faulty monstrosities sitting in a secret hanger in canada, just waiting to fall apart

peter’s one of the engineers tony asks to go to canada and see if they can pull anything salvageable from this mess, peter can’t say no to the size of the bonus he’d be getting if he does, so he goes to fucking canada, in the middle of winter, where he learns that just because the burlington coat factory says it’s a cold weather jacket, doesn’t mean it’s good for canadian winters

so peter spends as much time as he can inside, he was going over the blueprints with some of the other engineers the first morning, when wade swaggered over and asked when these babies would be ready to fly, peter and the other engineers started laughing hysterically, until they realized wade wasn’t joking, and peter had to politely explain that these jets were, professionally speaking, “death traps”, wade said he’d flown worse, and peter said god i hope not

wade is kind of a dick, he knows how to fly planes but he sure knows jack shit about building them, and yet, he’s there every day trying to butt in and offer his two cents, and for some reason, peter’s always the one that gets the brunt of it, the reason is wade’s bad at flirting and he’s trying to peter’s attention

on friday some of the army guys invite peter’s team out for drinks and peter comes along because he likes the social aspect of it, but he likes to limit himself to two drinks just to be safe, that is until wade rubs him the wrong way just enough to get him to do shots with him, peter gets increasingly confrontational as the night goes on, at one point peter and wade are arguing about the jets and peter’s like u wanna go!?!, and wade’s ready to fight him but peter just goes woah, woah, not like that, i’m a twig, you could snap my neck with your pinkie finger, i meant the jets

since wade’s already a lot more drunk than he’d like to be and peter was quickly approaching black out drunk after he started chugging vodka as a party trick, they snuck into the hanger and peter and wade woke up cuddled under a desk the next morning with killer hangovers and a really fucking cool looking personal mini jet that peter had cannibalized one of the faulty jets for, he didn’t remember building any of it, it’s the christmas party all over again

wade was way too fucking enthusiastic about it when he woke up too, peter may have just lost his job, not to mention getting drunk on a secret foreign military base and destroying a classified military vehicle, god he really hoped this wasn’t treason

wade’s superior chewed them both out, big time, until they got the call that peter’s team was being paid to basically do what peter did to the one jet to all the rest of the jets, peter didn’t get fired, but he did get tony stark and pepper potts calling him to tell him that he’s on real thin fucking ice now, he also had to attend the two week long alcohol awareness seminar the military made wade take for being drunk on military property, and he got sent home early after he stuck around just long enough to draw up the blueprints on the personal jets they wanted

so of course he thinks that’s the last he’s going to see of wade, until wade somehow shows up at the lab looking for him, apparently the canadian military was paying stark industries to design and produce some exosuits, and the asshole they sent down to play lab rat was none other than wade wilson

he really just rubbed peter the wrong way, but it’s not like he could just avoid him, actually wade wasn’t anybody’s favorite person in the lab, but peter keeps his mouth shut until wade does something hilariously stupid, like not finish listening to the instructions before turning on the suit and not being able to stop running for half an hour, peter was the poor sap that had to tackle wade with a wrench and just beat the absolute shit out of the power pack since wade didn’t know how to manually stop the suit

peter had snapped, as soon as he was sure wade wasn’t like internally bleeding, he screamed his head off at the guy, because what in the actual fuck do you think you’re doing, you goddamn idiot, tony himself walks in halfway through peter screaming his head off at wade for almost getting himself and half the lab killed because he didn’t want to wait to play with a new toy, and waits for peter to finish so he can have a go at the guy after watching the test footage

except wade says something absolutely stupid because he’s bad at flirting and always says the wrong thing at the wrong time, and peter slaps him, and there’s dead quiet as wade shuffles awkwardly where he’s standing and doesn’t look peter in the eye

it’s still dead quiet and everybody’s watching with wide eyes as peter very quietly asks if wade just got a boner, which is when wade decides it’s a good idea to ask peter out, peter turns about three shades redder and storms out without a word


	1106. Chapter 1106

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, scientist au, military au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "so what did engineer!Peter say to military!Wade? did they go in a date? did Wade stop being so annoying and trying too hard??? I need more please!!!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “More engineer peter and military wade?”

wade fucked up real bad, and he knows it, but he doesn’t know how to fix it, which is when gwen stepped in, she was in a different r&d department, but the footage had gotten around the whole tower, and since peter had told her about canada, she decided to help wade out, because she thought wade and peter would make a good couple, also because it hurt to watch him try on his own

so she pulled him aside as he was coming into work one day, shoved a box of cookies into his hands and told him to repeat these words exactly to peter, “i’m sorry i disregarded lab safety procedures, it won’t happen again”

it works, because peter loves snickerdoodles and he’s easily won over, so wade stuck to the promise, he sat through all the boring crap and didn’t do the things he was specifically not supposed to do, but he still spends every extra second he has talking at peter who’s learned to tune him out by now, so he goes back to gwen for help

he doesn’t know her name, so he grabs her and says magic scientist lady please help me, so gwen tells him to come find her for lunch, and they eat together while gwen basically tells him to let peter ramble too, wade gets mad because that really should have been obvious

so wade goes back to work, and when he finds peter working on something, he asks what peter’s doing, and then he waits, and peter starts talking and doesn’t stop, by the end of the day wade’s goaded peter into making the work bench into a tiny soccer field so they can flick a little hovering soccer ball back and forth, they’ve started a tournament with the other engineers in the department, wade was so butthurt that he got second place

ever since wade learned to listen, he’s been much more liked in the lab, and he actually gets asked if he wants to come along for drinks, he and peter are the only ones that stop at one drink that night, peter and wade end up arguing in their own little corner about star wars spaceships

maybe it’s the atmosphere, or the stupid way wade laughs that’s absolutely adorable, but peter finds himself asking wade if he still wanted that date, wade says something like i promise i won’t screw it up, and then gets to work early the next morning to he can go to gwen for help because he really really doesn’t want to screw this up


	1107. Chapter 1107

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Over protective peter after he witnesses wade die for the first time? Bonus if Peter carries DP when he does NOT need to be carried"

peter knew wade had a really good healing factor, he knew wade would come back, but shit man, you see somebody screaming as they get eviscerated and suddenly none of that matters

peter already knew wade had a tendency to fling himself face first into danger, reckless was a serious understatement, so after he had to watch wade die, he started watching out for wade, shoving him out of the way of danger and making sure he doesn’t get himself killed, which wade actually yells at him for since peter playing overbearing mother hen makes it hard for him to fight, especially when peter keeps ditching fights to carry wade off to safety every time he fucks up one of his legs

as much as wade complains, peter doesn’t plan on stopping any time soon, he still has nightmares about wade dying


	1108. Chapter 1108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "More of the overprotective peter? Thank you love your blog!"

wade still finds it real annoying, but ever since he found out that peter keeps dragging him kicking and screaming from fights because he’s scared of wade getting hurt, well he doesn’t kick and scream so much anymore, he still doesn’t like it though

peter being overprotective doesn’t stop at the battlefield, when peter and wade end up meeting some of the xmen who happen to be in town for some sort of parallel dimensions bullshit with two wolverines, wade gets the greeting he usually does from logan, except this time logan ends up upside down, hanging from a light post, peter in a very passive aggressive move says whoops my hand slipped, and does not help them get wolverine down, peter keeps lurking from the rooftops like a colorful daytime batman until wade leaves, then he decides its ok to go home

when wade finds out his ex is getting married, he goes into a depression spiral and ends up not leaving his house for a week, peter gets worried and breaks in to make sure wade wasn’t kidnapped or anything

wade, who hasn’t eaten or drunk anything but booze in over a week is kind of out of it, he thinks his brain made up an angel when he sees peter hovering over him, the sunlight from his cracked blinds lighting peter up from behind

wade’s very confused when he wakes up hours later to no garbage on the floor, what smells like a scented candle, and brown haired hallucination angel in the kitchen, making enchiladas, the enchiladas taste good, so this one probably isn’t a hallucination

peter breaks the uneasy silence first, half joking he asks wade if he still looks like an angel, wade take a minute to match the face to the voice, but when he does he wraps peter in a hug, because this is the best thing that’s happened to him in weeks, and spiderman is absolutely an angel


	1109. Chapter 1109

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, suicide, depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "U think Wade and Peter would be dog or cat people? Imagine them adopting a cat or a dog or BOTH together"

peter could go either way but i’m gonna lean towards dog person just a little more, and wade is more, where the fuck did this strange cat i do not own come from, and then accidentally adopts it

it’s just some street cat that snuck in one of the windows when wade was too tired to shut it behind him, she’d been living off rats and whatever takeout dropped to the floor when wade actually got something to eat, and he didn’t notice for months, until he woke up with a fuzzy warm chunk on his face one morning

the cat got mad at him for throwing her in a blind panic, and he tried to chase her out of the house like three different times, but she’d always be back by the end of the week, at that point he just gave up and let her do whatever, it was too much energy trying to keep her out

the next time peter visits, he sees the cat and asks, you have a cat?, because wade really doesn’t seem like the type, well he really isn’t the type, when peter started petting her wade told him not to encourage her

peter can’t have pets at his apartment, so he ends up making up excuses to come back and visit the cat that is definitely not wade’s cat, peter’s appalled at the lack of cat things around the house and gets a litter box and a cat tree for cheap off craigslist

wade isn’t sure what to do when he answers the door in his underwear at 3am to spiderman pushing past him with a massive cat tree, instead of dealing with any of it, he goes back to bed, he’s a little confused when he wakes up to mcdonalds pancakes and eggs next to his bed, and concludes that last night actually happened

peter keeps getting cat toys and things for not wade’s cat, but wade puts his foot down when peter comes over with a collar and a little bell, because that would mean it’s his cat, and it’s not his cat, she’s more like a squatter, she doesn’t pay rent, she just lives there despite his best efforts

wade was having one of those days, weeks, months, years, lives, whatever, and it was getting real hard to do much of anything, it’s not a good thing that he cleans his weapons when he’s anxious, there’s a stain on the ceiling to prove it

well this time, when he’s pushing a new clip in and his mind wanders down the wrong track, and the gun feels impossibly heavy in his hands, the cat jumps up on his lap, settles down and starts purring like a motorboat, wade tried to put her back down, but she just clawed the fuck out of his arm until he let her have her way

he woke up hours later, more hungry than suicidal for once and ordered in, he still won’t give her a name, or let peter put the collar on her, but he doesn’t try to get her to leave either


	1110. Chapter 1110

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is bitten by a radioactive spider. (P.S. I love you.)"

peter was already mad about their suits looking so similar, but now wade slapped a spider sticker on his chest and kept singing the theme song he’d made up for the two of them, he keeps calling himself zombie spiderman, part of wade knows exactly how batshit crazy he’s driving peter, and part of him is too excited to care

peter breaks into osborne’s not so secret lab and steals all the research and specimens, he goes to work trying to figure out how to reverse the effects of the venom, he hasn’t slept in days, wade keeps singing

eventually wade loses his powers as his healing factor kicks the mutant spider venom’s ass, but he doesn’t tell peter for another three days so he can milk it for all it’s worth, peter destroys everything after he finds out in an attempt to keep himself the only spiderman, he’s dealt with enough clones, power swaps, alternate versions of himself and accidental spidermen to last lifetimes, but wade had been the last straw, he had enough problems just dealing with one spiderman thank you very much


	1111. Chapter 1111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

wade would die for aunt may, ever since the day they first met and she brushed aside his handshake for a hug and left him speechless, he added may’s house to his regular patrols

wade still doesn’t talk to may as much as peter would like, he still tries to get out of visiting her, but it’s because every time he’s around her it takes everything he’s got just to keep from turning into a sobbing wreck

she’s like the mother he never had, she drops by their place all the time to drop off tupperwares full of food because she’s worried they aren’t eating right, she’s right of course

wade breaks into may’s place to do chores for her when she’s not home, like he used to do for peter before they moved in together, after she found out what wade was doing, she started leaving out plates of snacks and thank you cards that made wade cry, wade’s kept everything single one of those cards in a shoebox in the closet

may once tricked wade into going shopping with her, she said she wanted to get peter something for his birthday and she wanted wade’s help, so of course he couldn’t refuse, but instead of looking for a gift, she took wade to the mall and spent the whole time window shopping with him, she remembered how excited wade was in the lush store and when his birthday came around, he got a basket full of skin creams and lotions and bath bombs, she even beat out peter’s gift that year

the first time may told him he was family, peter was in the avenger’s icu, may had been brought in, and when wade started feeling out of place with everybody hovering over peter, he tried to leave, just to have may grab his hand and tell him to stay because he’s family

when wade decided to ask peter to marry him, he went to may for help, they went to the jewelry store together and picked out a ring, something simple and heartfelt, she helped him pick out a day and a place too

but he and peter got on their knees at the same time and started laughing when they both pulled out the same engagement ring, aunt may had played them both like a fiddle

when they got home there was a gift from may already waiting for them, a note with her congratulations and a carefully wrapped glass, because “it was about time”


	1112. Chapter 1112

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

peter and wade have been friends with benefits for a while, they don’t talk about identities and they don’t take off their masks, but wade, even though he told himself he wouldn’t, ended up falling for spiderman, hard

as long as he kept it to himself, everything would be fine and nobody would have to know

so of course when peter had wade strung up and stuck to the wall with some very creative web work, in the middle of getting fucked six ways to sunday, he’s just mindlessly shouting out things and said I love you

peter stopped moving and wade could feel his heart stop beating, peter eventually asked wade if he wanted to stop so they could talk, wade refused to look at him and yelled, I swear to god if you make me talk about my feelings I will safeword


	1113. Chapter 1113

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Here is a prompt: Deadpool is dying to join the Avengers- too bad they filled his spot with new up-and-comer Spider-man. And Deadpool is determined to hate him until Spider-man swings in cracking jokes and finishing Deadpool’s pop culture quotes and pop song lyrics and Deadpool falls in love."

joining the avengers has been wade’s lifelong dream, and he got so fucking close just to be beat out by some guy in a spider suit, it’s beyond insulting, he hates the guy’s guts already, keeps wondering if that spandex has any bulletproof padding

he shows up to the next arranged meeting before they storm another hydra base, and then he meets spiderman, and the guy has him laughing within the first few minutes of meeting him, and wade’s mad that he’s laughing because he’s supposed to be mad dammit, but he’s funny and when peter mentions having super strength and wade says how super, peter picks him up like he weighs nothing more than a bag of apples, and fucking tosses him 20 feet in the air

he catches wade again in a bridal carry and that’s it, wade’s gone, he’s in love, brain checked out five minutes ago, and it only gets better from there

wade keeps getting shot because he’s paying so much attention to peter while they’re fighting, peter talks almost as much as wade does and when peter and wade end up fighting back to back, peter can trade quips and jokes without missing a beat, wade lost a hand because he forgot how to function when peter did a midair split

cap finds him later to give his condolences about getting passed over, he knew how much it meant to wade, but wade’s not at all upset, in fact he’s taking the whole thing pretty well, almost too well


	1114. Chapter 1114

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "I JSU read the print where spidey beats wade in joining the avengers, could you continue it? How does wade ask him out? Or does he just continue to suffer until peter goes for it?? I love your blog!!"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Oh man I loved that avengers prompt! When they inevitably get together (because I mean really how can they not become boyfriends 4 ever) what is their relationship like? Like obv they’re both wacky dorks who never stop talking, but are they also one of those couples who are disgustingly domestic or are they the snarky couple?”

wade runs his mouth, like a lot, but it gets especially bad around peter, because he just keeps going on and on, to peter, about how absolutely in love he is, he’s already asked peter to marry him like five different times, and one of them was absolutely when peter punched through the chest of a doombot and pretended to rip out it’s heart

the only reason peter doesn’t get flustered around wade is because he’s spiderman, and spiderman doesn’t get embarrassed, however out of costume he’s such a mess, he doesn’t know what to do, he’s never had anybody genuinely tell him how attracted to him they are

peter starts looking out for wade every time he’s patrolling and when peter brings food for the first time, wade gasps and asks if this is a date, to which peter said it is if you want it to be, they get together real fast after that

they’re absolutely the disgustingly sappy couple, the rest of the avengers regret ever introducing them, more than once tony’s just turned off their comms so he wouldn’t have to listen to their mid battle flirting


	1115. Chapter 1115

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, lady deadpool, angst, character death, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "Whenever Wanda has the wind knocked out of her, Peter ugly cries. He thinks that Wanda can't hear him when she's "dead", but she can. it even moved her to tears once."

wanda’s brain comes back online a lot faster than she usually admits too, and even if she can’t always process everything that’s going on before she starts breathing again and the oxygen hits her brain, she sure as hell can remember shit

she can remember peter cradling her broken and bleeding corpse and just sobbing his eyes out as the dust settles, she’s never had to think about that before, how her dying all the time could affect other people, because it doesn’t, usually everybody just kicks her limp body off to the side and if they’re polite they’ll stick around till she starts coughing up blood, most people aren’t

but she’s never had to deal with peter before, people just don’t care when she kicks it, because she always bounces right back, and wanda tried to shake it off and told herself that eventually peter would get used to it and he’d stop caring too, but he didn’t, he’s cried over her body more times than she can remember and the guilt made her want to stay alive, just so he wouldn’t look like that anymore

sometimes, when peter waits for her to come back, he talks, but only when he thinks she can’t hear, and usually she can’t, but sometimes her ears start working before everything else and she’s unable to move or do anything but listen

peter talks about whatever comes to mind, what happened after wanda went down, what’s going on in his life, something that happened the other day when he played basketball with some kids, and how much he’d give not to see wanda get hurt like that anymore

one time he was talking about how frustrating it was that nobody else seemed to care when wanda got hurt, she still falls to her knees writhing in pain when she gets impaled, it’s not like her healing factor seems to stop it from hurting, and then peter talks about the time he almost died, how he was in so much pain he couldn’t think, and even then he could still feel terrified, looking death in the face, especially alone, was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, and she does it all the time, but it never gets any less scary, does it?

wanda was just glad she still had her mask on so he couldn’t see the tears leaking from her eyes


	1116. Chapter 1116

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, assassin au, murder, gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hi! I love your writing! Could you write something taking place in spider man 8351's universe with him and the deadpool there? Also idk if you do or not (so might as well ask) but can you rec one (or five) of your favorite spideypool fanfics?"

nah, i don’t do fic recs

something went wrong when wade was staking out the building his mark was in, the guards usually patrol like clockwork, but one by one they disappeared, he checked the radios again but nobody had set off any alarms, somebody was in that building and if they were after his mark, then there was gonna be hell to pay

wade made it to the offices just in time to see some guy in a suit grab his mark around the neck, so wade aimed at the guy’s head and told him to drop the human garbage, he still needs to collect and he can’t do that without a head

peter grabbed wade’s mark by the head and pushed him forward, the man was begging for his life, but neither of them were listening, without a word peter pressed a little harder and the mark slumped to the ground, a bullet from his webshooter lodged in his head, wade was absolutely ready to throw down, but the other guy just hopped out a window and left the body behind

wade’s not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he let the guy go and went to work taking what he needed, maybe he’d pay off his library fee this time

the second time he ran into the guy, he accidentally hit peter’s webshooter and got them both stuck together in a gluey mess, and the worst part was that with the way they were stuck together, peter couldn’t get the solvent out of his pocket

peter immediately hates wade, dude botched a three month long mission and basically incapacitated peter in less than a minute, and for some goddamn reason, he can’t get a read on the guy, his spider sense does jack shit, and that’s the first time anything like this has happened, peter honestly can’t tell if this is all some cosmic joke or somebody just set the world’s shittiest assassin after him


	1117. Chapter 1117

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [wonderfuldream14](http://wonderfuldream14.tumblr.com/), "Hey! I wanted to tell you I really love and enjoy how you write! ❤️ By the way, I was thinking, what about an au where Peter, Ben and Kaine are triplets and people have problems most of the time to recognize who is who, counting Wade so at the begining he sometimes flirts with Ben or Kaine thinking they are Peter and Petey can not help feeling jealous."

i mean it probably doesn’t help that none of them ever say anything to clue him in at first, all three of them wear the same costume and pretend to be the same person specifically to make it harder to figure out who spiderman is, that and it is so much easier to pretend your healing factor is leagues better than it is when you can just tag in another spiderman

for the longest time, wade just thought spidey was seriously bipolar, the only reason he learned the truth is because peter wanted to bang him so bad that he broke character and started flirting back, which did not go over well with ben and kaine

wade usually ends up with his own knife in his hand when he gets a little too close for comfort around kaine, ben gets unbelievably awkward, because he does not want to know anything about his brother’s love life thank you, he’s already scarred for life after that one time wade thought he was peter and started telling him about the new dildo he got, and what he did with it, in explicit detail

it was after the dildo incident that ben took peter’s side and said fuck it i don’t want him to think i’m peter anymore, he went ahead and told wade himself without consulting kaine or peter first, peter obviously got over it pretty fast, but kaine was sulking for fucking months

wade is still wade, so even after he learns about peter’s brothers, he still flirts with them as much as they’ll let him, which makes peter jealous because this is the whole reason you had to learn there were three of us, just stop already, wade argues back that they all have the same face so whenever he compliments ben and kaine, he’s technically also complimenting peter, that went over about as well as you’d expect


	1118. Chapter 1118

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I love the idea of Wade convincing Peter to do yoga with him. Not only because Pete is insanely flexible and would look great bending himself into a pretzel, but because he could really use the stress relief. If Peter actually ends up liking it, Wade thinks he could get him to do couples yoga poses with him next."

it’s all part of wade’s plan to get peter to be like 12% less stressed, because the other day wade picked the lock on peter’s door and snuck up on him while he was hunched over a textbook, peter jumped too high he smacked his head on the ceiling and wade had to get him a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer to put on his aching head

he already tried incense, massages, and replacing all the songs on peter’s phone with mindfulness meditation, all of which only irritated peter’s super senses and made him mad

so next was yoga, and if wade got to enjoy the view then that’s just an added bonus

peter is a natural at yoga, at the end of class, the instructor asks if he wants to try the advanced class, wade does not get to be in the advanced class because A) he spent the whole class not paying attention to much of anything except peter in yoga pants and B) if wade tried to bend like that his leg might actually tear right off

peter surprised wade by turning down the advanced classes in favor of staying in the boring classes with wade, peter said it was because it’s more fun when they do stuff together, wade signed them up for couples yoga without telling peter and he’s going to see if he can get away with it next thursday


	1119. Chapter 1119

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Are you familiar with the game Beat Saber? How much would Wade love that game? And would he actually be good at it, or just flail around until he got tired?"

listen wade uses real fucking swords in real fucking life, so if he sucks absolute ass at the game, and maybe gets mad enough about it to smash the controls, it’s not all his fault ok, it’s the fault of the assholes that made a shitty game with stupid controls

and if he gets banned from the arcade for threatening the cashier into giving him his money back, that’s just because they have shitty customer service, and this dumbass arcade wasn’t even any fun anyways

but if he goes two towns over to find another arcade with beat saber because now that he’s played it, he has to win, well that’s nobody’s fucking business but his own


	1120. Chapter 1120

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "spiderverse!peter being tired and horny, whining for wade to make out with him, of course wade does, and then while they’re making out peter moans and goes “did you eat a burger? oh my god you taste good” and they keep making out and yeah wade’s turned on but he can’t help but think “he’s turned on that he can taste my lunch? what. is he not horny, just hungry? no that’s definitely a boner. like should I make him some food? god. how am i the sane one here. this is the freak i’ve chosen to love.”"

peter just, forgets to do very basic things, like eat, all the time, he’s also broke as shit so eating is not a huge priority most of the time, so he’s just constantly hungry, it’s not often he gets to eat his fill, but it also affects his day to day life in weird little ways

like after a long day of getting his ass kicked, he goes to wade’s house because he just wants to make out with his boyfriend and take a nap in a real bed, and wade smells like he spent the day behind the counter at five guys, his super senses are making wade just smell fucking amazing, so he moans into wade’s mouth and goes “did you eat a burger? oh my god you taste good”

and wade can’t get into it, well he can, but it was just such a weird fucking thing to say, and now he can’t help thinking about how that one time peter told him he hadn’t eaten in like a week, and oh god was he serious?? should he be getting food?, he can’t just forget it, so he orders some burgers for peter, who as it turns out moans wayyyy too much when he’s eating, that was the least comfortable dinner wade’s had in a while

but peter most definitely thanks wade after, apparently peter gets horngry?, and wade’s very turned on and slowly realizing that he’s the responsible one in this relationship, and he’s got some thoughts on that


	1121. Chapter 1121

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/), "Okay, now I need more instances where Peter made Bruce or Hulk laugh! Cause honestly, that "That's my secret Cap, I'm always anxious" line slayed me!"

so fairly recently bruce made a discovery about supermassive black holes that disproved this one guy’s theories about how they formed, which sucked for the guy because up until that point, he was the go to, and he wasn’t happy about banner getting his spotlight, so for the last few months, he and banner have been writing papers back and forth like the passive aggressive astrophysicists they are, and peter loves bruce’s work so he’s been living for this crap

so the next time tony’s planning a trip into the great sort of unknown because the guardians found an entire planet that worships tony and they could really use his help on this one, also they think it would be really funny, so anyways, bruce is pointing out the routes they should avoid, and peter quotes one of his rebuttal papers where he basically told the guy to go fuck himself because he was just wrong, and it takes bruce a hot minute to realize peter was quoting his paper

this other time clint was making himself a pot of coffee because nobody refilled the goddamn pot, and he did the whole “i like it black, like my soul” thing, and peter reaches over and pours a thing of salt into the pot, everybody in the kitchen just watches in silence as peter slowly pours out the whole shaker of salt while clint’s still holding the pot, bruce loses his shit when peter accidentally drops the salt shaker into the pot

peter’s been teaching steve, bucky, thor and loki modern slang, but it’s like very outdated slang, bruce laughed so hard he started crying when he caught thor and bucky thanking the confused pizza delivery guy for being “deeply radical”

somebody asked peter something about one of the hydra scientists they were tracking, but in a way that implied that they thought peter’s spider sense could like predict the future, peter hummed and rubbed his head and then said his spider senses were telling him that everything bad ever will happen today, probably, so good luck with that

loki was told by somebody that he needed to get peter an apology gift after almost killing him, he got peter an iron man hot wheels monster truck, peter started to say he wasn’t a kid, but he gave up and just said thanks, now the avengers keep getting him toy cars and he has no idea why, it’s bruce’s fault, he sent everybody a copy of the footage and they all thought it was hilarious


	1122. Chapter 1122

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, spiderman eddie brock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [](), "An au where Peter becomes symbiote Spider-Man, but isn't necessarily Spider-Man. Venom, whose had it bad with unworthy hosts, finds Peter as a kindred spirit, that only wants to serve justice for the weak and innocent, after his uncle's death. However, after some trauma he had faced at school, Peter doesn't necessarily care about getting his hands dirty. He only cares about getting the job done. This would attract the attention of the Spider-Man of this universe, Eddie Brock."

peter got sick the day of the field trip and never got bitten, eddie brock, however, “stumbled” into a restricted section of oscorp while looking for a scoop and found more than he could have ever expected, and then some

for peter, life went on as usual, ben was murdered, aunt may broke her leg and got fired, peter got the shit beat out of him at school for being queer, and he became jaded

that is until he walked into his internship at the daily bugle to see if he could sneak his stuff out of the smashed up fifth floor while the construction crew was gone, spiderman had fought off venom earlier that week and landed in the building, peter just knew jj was going to have him running around nyc again looking for spiderman pictures just so he could complain about it

peter found his backpack under a broken desk and he was going to leave, but a perfectly smooth black ball rolled across the floor, there was nobody else in the building, and peter’s curiosity got the best of him

as soon as he touched the ball, it melted into a puddle of goo, it poked peter back and peter, probably against his better judgement, took it home in a ziplock bag, he kept the thing a secret from aunt may and tried to talk to it, it didn’t quite understand him, but it reacted!, when the symbiote started creeping onto peter, he let it, just to see what would happen

venom was a godsend, with venom, peter was stronger, faster, his voice was deep and his body looked exactly like he’d always wanted it to, and he made a friend, venom was an alien curious about earth and peter showed them as much as he could about humans, binge watching peter’s favorite shows and biking around nyc, walking around the mall and eating as much junk food as he could stomach to give venom a taste, and then crawling up to the tops of skyscrapers to take pictures

venom gave peter a new kind of freedom and he was loving it, but then one day he was getting home late after trying to see just how strong venom made him, he could lift a train car so far, he walked right into a mugging and the guy pointed a knife in his face, peter was frozen, but venom took peter’s hands and reached right out to snap the man’s wrist, peter ran of course, but it followed him

eventually he told venom he wanted to try being a superhero, like spiderman, but better, somebody that actually took care of things instead of slapping a bandaid on it and calling it good, venom had the perfect idea for a suit, a black spiderman costume, peter loved it, they went by venom and together they started stamping out crime, peter followed his own rule of retaliation, if he found a robber, he knocked them out and stole their shit, if he caught a murderer he took their life, that kind of thing, he had the power to change the world, and he wasn’t going to waste that, with great power comes great responsibility, and this was him, taking responsibility

when horror stories of venom started popping up and bad guys started surrendering on the spot when he showed up, eddie knew something was up and started looking for the symbiote again, he thought he’d finally gotten rid of it after he had separated from it the first time

when eddie finally found them, venom launched themself at eddie, it was the first time venom had ever fought peter, peter didn’t have anything against spiderman, but he felt venom’s rage and he couldn’t do anything but take a back seat to venom in his own body, and for the first time he was scared

but when eddie managed to blast the symbiote off peter, peter stopped him from catching venom long enough for them to escape, eddie sat peter down and warned him about venom, said it was going to take over peter’s mind just like it had tried to do to him, it would use his body while he slept and bond itself to peter so he’d never be able to escape

venom found peter again, crawled through the gap in his bedroom window that night and bonded while peter slept, when peter woke up and felt venom, he was relieved, but also scared, he and venom went back and forth just talking, and eventually peter decided to let venom stay, the symbiote just wanted a home, and peter liked having them around, he didn’t see why they couldn’t work through whatever came up, and he forgave venom for what had happened earlier when peter explain why it scared him and venom promised not to do it again, peter promised to keep them safe, after all, venom was the best friend he’d ever had

eddie found them again, but this time in the middle of peter puncturing a bloody hole in some guy’s arm, eddie didn’t wait for an explanation and tackled venom, he was surprised to see peter again when he used a weapon he’d had made just to fight venom and blasted the symbiote off of part of peter’s face, he tried to reason with peter, but he was saying all the wrong things

eddie was shocked when he found out peter had been the one to start hunting down criminals, not venom, he changed tactics, he admitted to peter that when he first got his powers he did something he’d always regret, he’d lost his temper with his dad and shoved him through a wall, breaking his neck, he’d taken away his father’s chance to change, he had no right to do that, it’ll be the one thing that haunts him for the rest of his life, he and peter might have superhuman powers, but they’re still both human, what made peter any better than the people he’s hurt and killed

peter and venom just barely escape, venom may be stronger than spiderman, but peter’s not used to this kind of thing, he’s inexperienced and venom takes the brunt of it all since eddie doesn’t hold back when he’s fighting venom

peter still refuses to stop, and eddie stops him when he can, but peter always makes them run when he shows up because peter’s terrified that eddie will try to take venom away again, occasionally a bigger threat shows up and venom and spiderman call a truce to fight a bigger evil, but spiderman never gives up on catching venom


	1123. Chapter 1123

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade needs college!Peter's scientific expertise. Peter doesn't know him."

so wade runs into some sort of slime monster with a lasting grudge because he’s been trying to get away from this guy for like two weeks now and she keeps finding him no matter where he goes, he can’t stop running either because she’s made of some sort of acid that burns like hell, it’s getting really fucking annoying and the only thing that seems to knock her out for a few hours is a grenade to the face, and he’s running low on grenades

he doesn’t exactly have time to get through like baxter building or stark industries security right now and explain himself, so he finds the nearest lab on campus and busts down the already unlocked door, startling peter who’s there late trying to make up for the last lab he missed while saving new york

wade’s kind of the last person peter expected to see at 1am in his chem lab, on campus, so he’s slow to realize it’s not a hallucination brought on by too much caffeine and not enough sleep

wade asks if peter’s one of those chemistry nerds or whatever, and peter says what, and wade slaps down a metal slab with green goo on it that’s still slowly eating through the metal and tells him to work his magic, and peter asks what again, wade rubs his face because he really doesn’t have time for this, so he pulls a gun on peter and tells him he’s got like an hour to figure out how to stop this stuff from eating him alive, which means peter’s got an hour to figure it out for him or they’re both gonna die

after the week peter’s had, this may as well be happening, that and having a gun pointed in your face really helps jump start your brain, peter’s spider sense is ringing the whole time so he works fast, wade’s damn lucky he caught peter in there, because peter’s the only one that’s had to deal with shit like this before, so he knows exactly what to do

peter grabs a bunch of glass slides and dips each of them in the acid, which slowly starts to eat through that too, wow that’s new, and lines them up, he digs around in the cupboards and comes up with the bases he used last time this happened

just to see what happens, he tried dropping water on one, it exploded and reminded him to throw wade a pair of goggles, wade laughed at him and peter said either put them on or get out, i don’t know what to do if this shit gets on you, wade said he’d do the same thing he did last time, scream

peter realizes he recognizes the smell and runs to the fans so he doesn’t die, it’s some kind of sulfuric acid, just way stronger than it should be, but he knows to to neutralize sulfuric acid, but then wade tells him he’s on the run from a woman made of this stuff and peter’s balks because where in the hell are they going to get enough baking soda to neutralize a whole ass person at 1 am

the woman is early, peter grabs wade’s arm and runs, he’s been around the building enough to know that nobody else is here at 1am and it’s confusing as fuck if you haven’t already memorized the floor plan, wade shoots out the lock on a back door and they run to the nearest wallmart

they grab a shopping cart and get as much baking soda as they can find, but while they’re impatiently waiting at the checkout, peter tells wade he doesn’t have enough money for this, wade looks at him and says neither do i, then he takes the cart and makes a run for it past security and just keeps going, peter tries to look inconspicuous as he follows

they end up just ramming her with the cart and hoping for the best, and amazingly it works

when peter goes back the campus police have already found his shit in the broken lab, nobody believed peter’s story because he’s already blown up the lab before, why not this

but later that month he gets a call from the financial aid office, apparently he’s gotten a scholarship, no strings attached, doesn’t even have to use it all for school, it’s enough to pay off his student loans and fix the chem lab, peter blinks back tears and decides to pay for lunch next time he patrols with wade


	1124. Chapter 1124

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could you maybe do something where Wade’s tall but Peter’s a smol bean and sits on Wades shoulders or does something to try and make himself taller/ Wade shorter? Thanks❤️❤️"

peter’s a little self conscious about his height, and not that he’s got anything against people that are taller than him, but wade, who’s built like a brick shithouse, just rubs him the wrong way, because he’s just so fucking unnecessarily big

peter notices it right away and ends up unconsciously compensating by sticking to things that are taller than wade whenever the merc is around, when they’re talking peter’s always hanging from something above wade’s head, and when there’s nothing around to stand on to make himself taller, he crouches on wade’s shoulders

wade is absolutely a dick about it, whenever he catches peter on the ground, he’ll lean with his arm on peter’s head just because he can, peter gets so mad about it he forgets how to yell and just ends up frustratedly screaming wade’s name


	1125. Chapter 1125

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I was wondering if you could maybe do something about Wade getting into an elite school and finding out that the world famous model Peter Parker is there and he’s a dork?? Thank you so much❤️❤️"

so wade’s not exactly supposed to be here, like he passed all the exams through some miracle and all, but he’s walking into the school a year late thanks to the full body burns that put him in the hospital for basically the entire school year, so now he’s here, late

wade already knew this wasn’t going to be a good year, chronic pain, being older than everybody in his year and having absolutely no friends at a new school meant this year was going to suck absolute ass

at least that’s what wade thought until he walked into english lit. and standing in the middle of the room was this guy that was like painfully hot, perfect face, amazing body, nerdy chic, eyes of a goddamn angel, and for some reason, vaguely familiar

wade finds out later that peter’s like an honest to god model and he absolutely doesn’t stay up late saving about a million photos of peter goddamn parker to his porn folder, ok so maybe this year won’t suck but wade’s absolutely going to make an ass of himself if he’s gonna be around the guy

except after day one the initial excitement about peter being a model wears off for most of the school, he doesn’t ever shut up and all the teachers hate him because he keeps forgetting to take his adhd meds and cannot pay attention for an entire class to save his life, his grades are shit but he’s in about a million clubs because he’s a goddamn genius

peter and wade end up becoming friends because everybody else thinks they’re annoying, so they just sort of become close by default, but wade is absolutely in love with the guy, like love at first sight, and everything peter does just makes his damn stomach do backflips, wade just thinks peter’s amazing, he’s supporting his aunt and uncle with his modeling career, he’s captain of the robotics team, is in about six other clubs, and somehow he sill isn’t failing school

wade brings all the electronics he breaks to peter, because peter hyper focuses when he’s tinkering and doesn’t notice wade staring, and wade stares a lot, he’s got about a million pictures of peter on his phone that he’ll never admit to, and peter’s probably got more of wade after he got a camera and joined photography club on top of everything else

wade finally asks peter out by fucking up his computer and asking if peter can fix it, but like he fucked it up in a way so that peter would find the virus in a string of folders that asked him out, embarrassingly it didn’t work out quite right, peter found another virus that led him to wade’s porn folder instead, where he found the file with nothing but pictures of peter


	1126. Chapter 1126

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [armedwithapencilandpaper](http://armedwithapencilandpaper.tumblr.com/), "Wade wears a dress when he gets married to peter. I thought about this and now I can’t get it out of my head, because I can just see peter lifting the veil and seeing wade with a genuine smile, his eyes lit up with pure love, disbelief and hope like Petey’s never seen them before"

oh absolutely, it’s a floor length trumpet skirt with a sweetheart neckline and diagonal beading on the bodice, he’s got one of those fuck off long train veils with fancy embroidery around the edge connected to a tiara he stole from a swarovski store specifically for this day

ellie is the worst flower girl, she lost the basket of flowers and instead grabbed a bunch of dead leaves off the ground and threw those around instead

peter wears his uncle ben’s suit, may helps him tailor it to fit just right and they both cry over it when they’re done

wade’s wearing his stripper heels because they’re the only white heels he owns and he absolutely towers over peter, peter can’t reach wade so he dips him into a kiss instead, wade’s leg pops and he holds onto peter for dear life because these heels were made to break ankles and necks


	1127. Chapter 1127

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wait I just realized the funniest thing ever would be Wade and Peter going camping"

so peter’s lived his whole life in nyc, he’s never been outside the city really and he’s absolutely never had to fend for himself in the wild

so when he and wade get stranded in the woods in the middle of fuck off canada on a mission gone wrong, peter’s in his own personal hell while wade is living like the dirty mountain man he’s always been in his soul

peter is cold and tired and he hates hunting and there’s so many goddamn mosquitoes, he’s sick of everything and he wants to go home and curl up in front of his space heater in his bed in his shitty apartment and eat a mountain of burgers and sleep for a week straight

wade keeps trying to get peter to participate, teaching him how to make fires, shelter, how to make a snow cave and carve up a moose, and how to hunt ptarmigan, which is really goddamn easy because they’re some of the stupidest birds in existence, they don’t even run when you start throwing rocks, they’ll just sit there until they get hit

peter’s convinced that there’s nothing good about camping, but one night, wade shook him awake at midnight and told him to come outside, peter looked up at the sky and it took his breath away

the northern lights were dancing in brilliant green and he could see the milky way, count out constellations he’d only ever read about, as he stared in awe red lights lit up the sky, wade whispered next to him that he’d only ever seen red northern lights once before, peter just nodded dumbly and kept staring at the sky until his neck hurt too much to continue

shield found them a day later, when they got back home, peter said he wouldn’t mind visiting canada again, but they have to stay in a cabin at the very least


	1128. Chapter 1128

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "at home peter likes to wear clothes that make him feel comfy like loose crop tops, flowy silk booty shorts, ect. and one day wade sneaks in post-identity reveal to bother peter and just goes slack-jawed"

peter makes a lot of his own clothes, not because it’s easier or anything, it’s just that he really likes to sew and skirts never have any damn pockets, also dresses never fit his shoulders right, so if he wants nice clothes that fit his sense of fashion, he’s gotta make them himself

not too long ago, peter decided to take off the mask and introduce wade to peter parker, so wade’s been clingy as hell, which isn’t bad, but peter never told wade his adress, and he just crawled in peter’s window and tripped over a stack of books

wade forgot what he was going to say and went slack jawed when he saw peter standing in the doorway wearing a crop top and booty shorts because it’s fucking hot out and he doesn’t have a/c

peter was genuinely concerned that wade had fried a circuit or something until wade croaked out, i have that exact outfit in pink


	1129. Chapter 1129

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "It starts as a joke but Peter and Wade call each other "honey" and "sweetie" and "babe" and generally act like husbands and don't even realize they're doing it until Green Goblin sends them a wedding gift."

so for the longest time peter’s been so resistant to wade’s… everything, peter’s the straight man to wade’s comic, until he wasn’t

when peter just starts laughing along with wade and trading pet names even his villains are reasonably confused, somehow a rumor gets around, probably from when green goblin caught them with wade’s hand down peter’s pants, literally

the next week wade gets a package in the mail from the green goblin, it’s a bomb obviously, but norman also sent a nice letter, so it’s the thought that counts, some of peter’s usual villains keep telling him congratulations, and wade gets a few calls from the xmen because there’s a pool going on at the mansion on whether or not he actually got somebody to marry him, he doesn’t give them a straight answer

they aren’t actually married, they are actually dating though, they just suck at keeping it a secret is all, and now they have a new touch screen fridge, courtesy of tony stark, that they’re still arguing over who gets to keep


	1130. Chapter 1130

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where wade went to beauty school. Nothing really different in-universe, he still has powers, just. He’s a licensed cosmetologist."

it’s not something that comes up a lot, ever since wade picked up that nasty skin condition none of it sticks to his skin anymore, but he used to be pretty damn good at it too

peter’s staring down a basket of makeup that he can’t make heads or tails of because he’s supposed to be getting ready to go undercover at a fashion show and for some reason nobody asked him if he actually knew how to use makeup, he’s absolutely panicking

wade wasn’t supposed to be here, but peter recognized his voice behind the hologram when wade pushed him back in the chair and told him to relax already or he’d give himself away

wade chattered on about some made up relatives and their made up drama, peter found himself forgetting about how keyed up he was and laughing with wade, peter’s absolutely floored when wade says voilà and spins him around to face the mirror, because peter’s always been pretty average looking but hot damn he looks drop dead gorgeous right now and he wasn’t even sure that was his face

the rest of the team is just as confused as peter is because wade’s absolutely the kind of person that just pulls random talents like this out of his ass because he never thinks to mention them


	1131. Chapter 1131

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can we have some Peter and Shuri being friends?? It’s my favorite thing on this earth because they’re both gen Z’s AND tech nerds and I just love it so much"

peter and shuri send each other codes when they’re stuck, because there’s always one goddamn stupid little mistake that you end up missing, and it’s always handy to have an extra pair of eyes when you’re coding

they also have a minecraft server they’ve been working on for months now, they’re building a massive city just to see how far they can get, it’s got a subway system and everything

for peter’s birthday shuri made peter a custom spiderman themed laptop with way better battery life and storage than anything on the markets, peter absolutely cries when he opens it because it’s the coolest thing he’s ever owned, peter can’t think of what to send shuri in return that she can’t already make a better version of, so he begs aunt may to make her famous snickerdoodles the avengers swear by, miraculously they get to shuri, even if they are broken into crumbs, shuri calls peter to tell him she’s stealing his aunt

t’challa hates that peter and shuri are friends because in the us everybody treats him like a badass king, except this one kid in a spider costume that’s seen all the videos his sister has taken of him royally fucking up, they’ve made their own memes about him and he can’t do anything about it

every time shuri finishes a new project she calls peter so she can show off, peter geeks out with her over all of it and together they keep coming up with dumb upgrades, shuri made peter a pair of web shooters that say “thwip” when he uses them, tony keeps disabling the sound because it’s annoying and peter keeps turning it back on because he fucking loves them


	1132. Chapter 1132

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "As much as I love dating spideypool, platonic spideypool is so great!! Like little 15 yo Petey (tom holland of fuckin course) and Wade being really good friends and wade trying to get peter to “stop being a lil Tony jr jeez kid) and tony is just like WHAT THE FUCK DONT TALK TO HIM PETER!!11!!!1!! But peter loves how crazy he is and wade is constantly trying to get him to be more of a kid. “With great responsibility comes a great fucking need to relax” !!!"

wade’s got swords and a witty repertoire and he swears, so of course 15 y/o peter thinks he’s the shit, and they have similar costumes, so wade keeps joking that peter stole his design

tony’s grumpy about wade hanging around because trouble always follows when deadpool’s in town, that and peter always gets himself into the worst of the trouble when shit hits the fan, let’s just say the more peter talks about wade, the more grey hairs tony gets

wade has absolutely done the “pull my finger” trick with peter, when his finger came off peter almost cried because he thought he pulled too hard, wade felt so bad he went and bought peter a chili dog

tony keeps updating karen’s files on wade so every time peter sees wade, little petty insults about him pop up on the screen


	1133. Chapter 1133

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, mythology au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Imagine this: Peter is Persephone and Wade Wilson is Hades."
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “ Persephone!Peter X Hades!Wade plz????’

peter’s too curious for his own good sometimes, and this was one of them, he’d accidentally stumbled upon a crack in the earth, a way into the underworld, and he dove right in without hesitation

peter was fascinated, everything here was worlds apart from what he was used to, unseeing spirits wandered by him and little blue lights hovered just a foot from the ground everywhere he went, but what fascinated him most was the massive garden he could see blooming in bright colors against the gloomy backdrop of the underworld

peter had found a fruit tree bearing twelve different fruits, and had grabbed an apple when somebody yelled and slapped it out of his hand, peter was face to face with the god of the underworld, he had fire in his eyes and ugly twisted skin, he snarled at peter to go back to the land of the living from whence he came

peter, having been raised by a human named may in his youth, panicked and stuck out his hand and introduced himself, wade was so caught off guard that he shook peter’s hand and said his own name, this wasn’t going how he wanted it to

peter would not leave wade alone, no matter what wade tried to get him to leave, peter just had so many damn questions about everything, wade kept trying to scare him into leaving by showing him the pits of hell, but peter already tamed the guard dog, befriended the ferry helmsman, scared off his minions, and somehow got on death’s good side, wade wasn’t even always on her good side

wade soon gave up on driving peter away, instead he listened and answered peter’s questions, peter was actually pretty damn smart, he’d already learned to work around the underworld’s rules for his benefit, and for the first time in millennia, wade caught himself smiling, he could feel the skin of his cheeks cracking with the effort

wade asked peter about the surface, what the other gods were doing, and what the seasons felt like, peter told him all about the plants that grew on the surface, how his favorite season was spring, because that’s what he was the god of after all, he amazed wade by showing him how he could bring plants back from the brink of death, and how everywhere he walked, grasses sprouted behind him, even if here they soon shriveled and died, wade was enchanted, and peter didn’t want to leave

meanwhile, back on the surface, tony had lost his child and there was going to be hell to pay, the other gods didn’t take him seriously, but as the months wore on, there was no sign of peter and tony was falling into grief, with his broken heart, the earth began to freeze over, if his child was dead then everything peter had loved would die with him

that finally got everybody’s attention, a search began in earnest as tony threatened to take down humanity with him if peter wasn’t found, it was clint who finally found him when he went to deliver news of the search to wade

wade immeadiately tried to get peter to go back home, but peter dug in his feet and refused, clint threatened to tell tony, so peter grabbed a nearby pomegranet and started stuffing seeds in his mouth, he ate six before wade tackled him and wrestled the fruit away

clint refused to leave without peter, because if he did, tony was going to murder him, after what seemed like days of arguing back and forth, peter finally agreed to “visit” his home, since eating the fruit of the underworld had bound his soul and meant he would have to return anyways

tony was beyond relieved to see peter again, he lifted the endless winter that had been plaguing humanity and the gods all let out a collective sigh of relief, until peter announced that he’d bound his soul to the underworld because he was in love with fucking wade of all people, the scream that tore from tony’s lungs that day could be heard clear to mount olympus

tony hates it with all his being, but peter agreed to come and visit half the year, the other half he spent in the underworld, flirting with wade and very slowly taking over half the responsibilities of ruling the underworld with an iron fist, he just takes it all so much more seriously than wade, death is happy to see somebody doing their job around here, and wade’s garden is flourishing with new flowers and trees that peter brings back every time he returns to his new home


	1134. Chapter 1134

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mythology au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "more hades/persephone spideypool?"

wade loves giving peter gifts, he’d have intricate jewelry made from the gemstones that littered the floor like sand, and anything peter asked for, wade would get him, not that peter ever asked

peter loves talking to the damned, something about a captive audience, wade thinks it’s hilarious because suffering for all eternity gets old real fast, it’s nice to shake up the torture every once in a while

peter’s made wade stricter, made him care more about the souls that come his way, perhaps that’s made him harsher on those who lived repulsive lives, maybe peter’s just a bit more sadistic than he lets on

peter has been learning to grow things in the pitch black of the underworld, he’s created a new fruit for wade, it’s a lumpy white fruit with deep red leaves that leaches off other plants rather than making it’s own food, it looks odd, but it tastes like the countryside in summer

wade’s been kind of out of touch with the outside world, so whenever peter comes back to the underworld, he always brings tons of things he thinks wade would enjoy, he’s caught wade keeping mathematicians and philosophers several hundred years before deciding their fates, he’s stalling so he can talk to them, peter thinks it’s adorable

peter finds out that wade is kind of a pushover, every time some dickwad with some minor god’s blessing traipses down to the underworld, looking for a favor they have no right asking for in the first place, wade makes it ridiculously easy for these assholes to just waltz away with whatever they want, wade keeps saying that it’s because people are stupid and they always end up messing up when he makes it reasonable hard

peter calls bullshit, if they want some deceased lover’s soul, then they can fucking work for it, if they’re going to break all the goddamn rules and not even try to be clever about it, then the least they should do is have an escape strategy, so many of these people come without a thought as to how to get back, wade’s just too lenient, peter told wade to stop paying off the ferryman every time some idiot wants to go back to the surface


	1135. Chapter 1135

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can u maybe write about wade crossdressing and Peter being a no disaster about it?"

wade works up to it after he and peter start dating, because peter’s been okay with everything else wade’s thrown at him, but he’s still worried that peter’s going to ask him to stop wearing heels and dresses

wade had set up a date, and then he put on his least flashy heels and waited, it almost killed him, waiting is awful

but when peter got there and finally noticed wade’s heels, instead of doing anything wade expected, peter asked him what his heel size was, wade said 13 and peter said aw i’m an 11, i was hoping we could trade heels

peter used to do drag nights with mj when he was in college, so he had his own collection of dresses and heels, he just doesn’t wear them as much now, but after wade expressed how nervous he’d been about telling peter, peter ran home and threw on a little black dress and some nice heels and ran back, so wade had to put on a dress too so peter wouldn’t be the only one over dressed

they ended up not going out because wade wanted to do peter’s makeup next and they got carried away, they ended up heating up leftovers and watching tv since it was too late to go out, still all dressed up, peter’s makeup got smudged to hell, it’s absolutely wade’s fault


	1136. Chapter 1136

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey! It’s that one weird anon! I feel like Wade would be really obsessive and really good with legoes"

legos are wade and ellie’s thing, whenever wade got to visit her, he’d always bring a new lego set for them to build together because ellie once told him she loved legos, that and ellie’s foster parents let him stay longer so they could finish building, ellie’s room is full of little lego fighters and rocket ships and buildings, walking into her room is hazardous


	1137. Chapter 1137

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I read that spiders have blue blood. What if Peter shared this?"

peter’s clumsy af, so he’s constantly tripping over himself trying to cover up when he gets paper cuts and the one time he accidentally stabbed himself in the leg during biology

when he’s crime fighting he does try to cover it up best he can just because the less people know about spiderman the better, but sometimes, usually when he’s bleeding out, he doesn’t really have a choice, there’s a theory going around that spiderman is actually an alien, and that’s why he bleeds blue

it’s freaked out some of his villains before, getting strange, warm, blue liquid smeared on you isn’t the most pleasant thing

sometimes when peter’s just having an off day and his brain isn’t on all the way, he’ll see someone bleed red and have a moment of panic before remembering that he’s the only one that doesn’t have red blood


	1138. Chapter 1138

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, needles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey love! Hope youre doing well, so about the blue blood thing, how do you think like the avengers and wade would react to spidey having blue blood? Like i can just see a clusterfuck occuring thanks to peters obviousness and everyones poor communication skills"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “How would Wade react if he saw Peter’s blue blood"

it doesn’t really become an issue until the first time peter goes down in a battle with the others, he gets hit bad, he’s not waking up and he needs a blood transfusion, but nobody’s got any clue what to do because he’s got BLUE FUCKING BLOOD, like they aren’t even sure they can give him a blood transfusion

everybody’s freaking out, nobody knows what to do, bruce takes charge after his own freak out and they start testing blood types against peter’s, just to see if they can find anything that might work

things are getting more bleak as they get hissing puddles of blue/black sludge and no clue where to go next, wade takes banner aside and says use my blood

wade draws his own blood, he doesn’t trust anybody with a needle within a mile of him, but he can do it himself

his blood doesn’t bubble when mixed with peter’s, it just turns blue as well, they got everybody out of peter’s room and wade hooked himself up to peter, he tried his best not to look at any of the tubes or needles, his skin was already buzzing with panic and anxiety

it works because peter wakes up the next day, and the first thing he says is i feel like shit, wade doesn’t leave his room the whole time he’s there, peter’s the one that has to remind him to eat and sleep, even though peter’s the one that almost died


	1139. Chapter 1139

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Please more blue blood ah (｡･ω･｡)"

sometimes peter is just really fucking stupid, well in this particular case it was probably the blood loss talking, but peter was laying on wade’s floor because he was too dizzy to move because of the knife still in his leg

wade told him not to touch it while he went to get the medical shit, so of course when he came back peter had already pulled out the knife himself and was licking the blood off his hand

as soon as he saw wade peter held out his hand and told him to taste it, which ew no, wade got down and tried to stop the bleeding, but peter wasn’t making it easy, he kept trying to shove his hand in wade’s face

wade lost the needle when peter sat up and shoved his hand in wade’s mouth, wade was going to yell at him, but he was too surprised that it tasted like cotton candy


	1140. Chapter 1140

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "lmao with that blue blood tasting like cotton candy, now i feel like wade would always bite peter’s lips when kissing to try and get a taste. it gets to the point where peter almost always has a bruised bottom lip with a black scab (it’s really dark blue but when the blood dries it looks almost black)"

listen wade would absolutely slip that detail into his spideypool fanfiction, just as sort of a silent fuck you to everybody else, because he knows and nobody else does

so the next time peter’s trying to look up stuff about why his blood is blue, he tries adding tastes like cotton candy, and one of the links is to a fanfic site, it’s specifically about him and wade, peter starts reading out of morbid curiosity and realizes fairly fast that wade wrote this

peter then decides to fuck with wade by playing out scenes from his fanfics in perfect detail, and then denying knowing anything, and wade doesn’t want peter to know if he doesn’t already, but it really seems like too much of a coincidence

peter eventually uses wade’s proposal fic as inspiration for when he proposes in real life, fireworks and captain america and all, wade’s deliriously happy, but at the same time he wants to yell at peter for being an ass for months, but also this is perfect and he’s in love, but he’s still angry, angry at his now _fiance_ , yeah he’ll get over it


	1141. Chapter 1141

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i really like gabearonimaceroni's posts about platonic sipdeypool, and I was wondering if you could do it in reversal?? with 15yo wade being best friends with Tired But Willing Mentor™ 24-25yo peter??"

wade’s such a little shit, he doesn’t really have a costume or anything when he first starts out, just a lot of teenage angst and a ski mask, and about seven more guns than any kid should have

peter first runs into him when wade’s trying to stop a bank robbery, but the way it looks when peter gets there is wade’s robbing a bank, peter takes care of everything and ties wade up, but instead of handing him over to the police, peter takes him to a back alley to give him a super long lecture that wade keeps trying to interrupt, he never does get a word in edgewise, and peter leaves him tied up in webbing to “think about what i said”

wade thinks peter’s just some annoying old man, that is until wade gets in waaaay over his head and gets stuck in the middle of a shootout, maybe it’s the lack of blood but when peter shows up and takes out every gun there before soundly beating at least twenty guys single handedly, wade’s absolutely dazzled, he starts chasing spiderman around asking him to teach him how to do all that

peter keeps telling wade to eat his vegetables and stay in school, which is useless as far as wade is concerned, peter doesn’t seriously consider taking him on, until he finds out wade’s a mutant, and not a natural one at that, peter calls in the big guns and sends hell to the facility that fucked over wade

and then he makes wade a costume, he absolutely didn’t think about how much it looked like his own until wade asked if he was supposed to be peter’s side kick, it’s an unfortunate mistake

peter soon finds out that wade has the self preservation of a 15 y/o with a healing factor that makes him basically immortal, so he never really learns from his dumbass mistakes, well he learned how long it took to knit his shattered legs back together after jumping off a roof when peter told him not to, but that’s about it

wade’s foster parents don’t really give a shit where he is, so he crashes at peter’s shitty apartment most nights, peter started buying more food since wade’s healing factor makes him eat almost as much as peter does

peter’s going grey just trying to keep an eye on wade most of the time, wade will pick a fight with anybody, not because he should but because he’s always gotta try and fight the scariest guy there, which would be funny if wade could actually do shit, but he doesn’t know how to fight and peter took away all his guns, and he doesn’t know what to do with knives either but by god he’ll try anyways

peter got sick of listening to wade cry while his bones snapped back into place and told him he’s not doing squat until he learns how to defend himself, peter doesn’t actually know how to fight either, he’s been coasting on his spider sense all these years, so he calls up matt murdock and asks for a very big favor

wade spends so many nights getting his ass beat while peter sits on the sidelines and offers incredibly unhelpful advice, peter does make wade some lightweight gauntlets that pack a real punch, they’ve got more power packed in them than the standard tazer, and they have a tracking device that peter doesn’t tell him about, it comes in handy a lot

for wade’s sixteenth birthday, well actually nothing happens, but peter finds out that he missed wade’s birthday a few weeks later and gets wade a phone, he gives wade a lecture on how important it is not to lose or break it first, but wade’s absolutely ecstatic, he’s never had a phone before, he breaks it immediately and peter almost cries


	1142. Chapter 1142

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> platonic spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So about that reverse platonic spideypool au (15 year old wade and whatnot) you should write something abt wade and miles becoming friends"

wade “i’ve never had a decent father figure before” wilson is jealous af when miles comes around, he’s not happy that he’s got to share peter’s attention so he starts pulling dumb stunts just so he can call peter for help

it probably doesn’t help that miles gets to be spiderman, wade absolutely feels like miles is the golden child in this situation, when they spar miles always kicks wade on his ass, even though wade’s been training for longer, fucking spider sense

it’s only when he eavesdrops on peter and miles talking that he realizes miles actually thought he was cool, since wade’s doesn’t have any real powers besides not dying he’s always got to work harder and he gets hurt more trying to do the right thing, and then wade ends up feeling bad because miles was trying to be friendly and wade spent the whole time brushing him off

so wade tries getting along with miles for once, they actually have a lot in common as teenage idiots, they end up playing a lot of video games together and wade tells miles about the trackers peter sews into their suits because he’s super paranoid, they also keep shocking each other when they fight about something stupid

peter misses when they didn’t talk, ever since they started teaming up life’s been hell, they keep finding his trackers and throwing them away, yesterday miles and wade dared each other to climb the empire state building, wade actually got pretty far up before his arms gave out and miles had to jump off the building to catch him, they still broke several windows crashing back into the building and peter spent three hours pulling glass out of the both of them, he’s going to die early of stress at this point


	1143. Chapter 1143

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> platonic spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "More on the reverse platonic spideypool please?? Specifically with peter having to deal with a wade and miles' wild wild friendship and acting like the impulsive teens that they are"

they both call peter old man pete because he hates it, and he’s not that old yet fuck you kids

miles once lent wade his webshooter, and wade promptly aimed it at his face and accidentally hit the trigger, they woke up peter late calling to figure out how to get the web off before wade suffocated, it took a bit for peter to translate the screaming, and after they got the webbing off wade’s face, peter wouldn’t stop reminding wade that he’s not supposed to aim at anything he’s not willing to shoot, basic weapons safety guys

peter’s very adamant that they stay on top of their school stuff, and he’s taken away suit privileges before, wade and miles sometimes bring their homework to peter’s place so they can work on it before they go on patrol, peter tries to help when he can

wade and miles found out peter sticks to things when he gets surprised, so they’ve been trying to sneak past peter’s spider sense to scare him, it usually works best when he’s out cold, miles has the record scare, he shocked peter and made him jump onto the ceiling


	1144. Chapter 1144

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> platonic spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO will the be more rev platonic spideypool?? how about peter awkwardly introducing wade to may after wade breaks into her apartment by accident??"

peter gets a call at some ungodly hour of the night from wade, peter can already feel the headache coming on before he even answers it, wade accidentally broke into somebody’s house while looking for the bad guy he was chasing, and then he accidentally broke like everything, what does he do now?

there’s the headache, peter asked wade to read him the address so he could get down there, a part of peter’s soul leaves his body the third time he has wade repeat the address just to make sure he wasn’t hearing things wrong, wade broke into peter’s aunt may’s house

when peter gets there, may opens the door before peter can try to sneak in, she doesn’t look happy that she’s up in the middle of the night again, it kinda feels like when he was a teen all over again and may would catch him sneaking out to fight crime on a school night

wade is beyond elated to find out that may is peter’s aunt, he can’t wipe the smile off his face from when he got to watch may scold peter, peter looked as guilty as he and miles had after keeping something they’d stolen from a thief, this was the greatest day of wade’s life

wade still had to apologize, and promise to come back and help may with chores until he can pay off his debt, but peter has to call may more and bring wade back sometimes to chat

wade sometimes stays the night at may’s house too now, she’s really nice, and sometimes she even makes real breakfast, like with fresh pancakes and real bacon and eggs, and sometimes if wade and miles stop by after school may will have cookies or something for them to eat

may likes to tell the boys stories about when peter was their age, and all the embarrassing stuff that went down when he was just starting out, she had peter’s first costume in her basement, it was absolutely hideous, peter had obviously hand sewn it without any idea of what he was doing, peter was going to hate this


	1145. Chapter 1145

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Wade & Spidey are in the middle of a battle, w/ Avengers when Spidey gets sprayed by a mysterious gas or smt. When Wade comes around & asks how's he doing he says, "Better now that you're here." Turns out it lowers your inhibitions, a lot. Queue peter say somethings he’s going to be embarrassed about later, wade is shook and a little flustered n the avengers are scarred for life"

so normally peter puts on the suit and his spiderman persona, spiderman is very different from peter parker, so when he gets hit with some sort of experimental gas that would kill a normal human, it just gets him like super wasted, which means he’s got no brain to mouth filter

wasted peter has zero patience and starts ripping open walls so he can find the bad guy and go home, he’s had a long day and now he’s out of it and very tired and when he finds the target, he knocks the guy out cold and just walks away, asking if somebody has any fucking food because he’s been starving for 30 goddamn years

peter actually just gives up halfway through getting out of the super secret lab they’d broken into and just lays down on the floor, he’s not taking a nap, he’s just done with walking is all, tony and cap are trying to get peter back to the tower so they can run some tests on him and make sure he’ll be okay, peter just keeps yelling at tony because tony started yelling at him, “i love you but shut up right now!“

steve gave up and just grabbed peter’s leg and started dragging him along, peter is okay with this, wade shows up late and peter says “hey it’s you! i like you”, to everybody’s surprise, peter actually listens to wade because somehow he can talk peter in circles and get his way

peter wasn’t fully in control right now, so he keeps messing up when it comes to holding back, he kicked a rock through solid concrete and crumpled a car door he was leaning on, he tried straightening it a little, but that just made it worse, he walked away from the car very quickly while whispering fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

peter doesn’t want to walk off the jet, so wade picked him up and carried him off, peter started groping wade’s chest and talking about how massive steve’s biceps were, wade was grinning behind his mask and steve was trying very hard not to listen, the rest of the team was just laughing at him

it takes a few days for the stuff to leave peter’s system, but until then they decided to keep peter at the tower, he’s the worst house guest ever, he doesn’t usually need much sleep, but he’s so sleep deprived that he just… passes out on the hall floor for 16 hours, and then wakes up and eats everything he can find, he nearly gave tony a heart attack because he was crawling on the ceiling in the dark

wade came back to see how he was doing, and peter started complaining that they don’t hang out enough, so he stuck around while peter pulled natasha, bruce, tony and two hapless security guards into a movie marathon, everybody else was hiding

when peter finally sobered up, he had a blissful day of not remembering jack shit about his time at the tower, and then it all hit him at once, tony got a voice mail the next day from peter apologizing for all the shit he pulled


	1146. Chapter 1146

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can you continue the story where that gas lowered Peter’s inhibitions?"

wade was the one babysitting peter the most, so peter brought cookies to say thanks, and also sorry for groping you multiple times, i was drugged

wade invites peter in and peter says that’s ok, and then wade reminds him about how much he was complaining about how they never hang out and peter went red, absolutely scarlet, but he did stay

wade had a video of peter stuck to the ceiling and crying because he had roped wade into a game of hide and seek and then forgot and got sad that wade was gone, peter tried to grab his phone and delete it, wade was taller than peter, but peter climbed him like a ladder and snatched his phone anyway

so of course they ended up in a pile on the floor, laughing their asses off, wade’s phone got broken but he’d started some of his favorite quotes from when peter was absolutely drunk, peter groaned and told him to stop it, wade said make me, so peter went for it


	1147. Chapter 1147

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ablogofloveandtrash](https://ablogofloveandtrash.tumblr.com/), "some identity porn? for the longest time, wanda wilson thought she was the oddball of the relationship and dated peter, with almost nothing out of the ordinary. well, except for her double life as lady deadpool and the on again off again cancelled dates. On one of the nights, where wanda just won't sleep, she was like a deer in the headlights when she found a slimy thing revealing her exhausted boyfriend. peter was scared at first, but wanda is somewhat glad that she's not alone."

peter and wanda met somewhere boring, like at a bus stop or the coffee place peter goes to before work every morning, peter recognized wanda and stopped to chat, forgetting too late that they don’t know each other here, wanda turned the charm on hard and ended up getting peter’s number, they started dating eventually and it a bit rocky, there’s so many dropped calls and canceled date and both of them use shit excuses but they feel so guilty about their own excuses that they let it slide

one night wanda got bored, her insomnia was keeping her up so she said fuck it and went to sneak into peter’s room while he slept, totally normal girlfriend thing to do

well she got there, but peter wasn’t home, she checked the whole house, she was waiting in the kitchen for him to come home, when there was a noise upstairs, like somebody opening peter’s bedroom window, so she went upstairs

a massive black blob of ooze crawled through peter’s window and flopped down on the floor, shrinking back, it revealed peter, gasping for breath, wanda said something in a very shrill voice along the lines of “what the actual shit”, peter’s head snapped up and his mouth opened and closed with no excuses coming out, they both knew it looked bad

peter explained himself best he could, and mentioned he already knew about wanda’s alter ego, instead of being mad, wanda told him they’re even now, and they are, she broke into his house to watch him sleep sometimes, and he kept an alien symbiote secret

after peter started telling wanda more about venom, wanda started following the symbiote when they got out, it made peter feel better knowing she was there to make sure nothing went too horribly wrong, and wanda ended up getting along with venom, for the most part, nobody had really talked to venom before, so they became friends and she’d relay information back to peter when venom went back down, it’s a weird system but it all worked out pretty nicely


	1148. Chapter 1148

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, space au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter does something nice for Loki--maybe saves him from a flying projectile, maybe stands up for him in front of the Avengers, maybe just sees him looking down and asks him how he is. Loki looks the kid up and down and thinks it's a shame that even the tolerable mortals live such short lives. He asks the kid if he's hungry, hands him a big yellow apple, and vanishes. Twenty years later, people start to notice that Peter isn't really aging..."

loki has a soft spot for peter, he’s just a kid and he’s so willing to sacrifice himself if he thinks it’ll help, and maybe being around peter reminds loki of his own kids, he realizes along the way that even though peter is so much stronger than the other mortals, he’s still just a human, and he’s going to die, probably within loki’s lifetime, so he fixes that

loki doesn’t stay in midguard for long, he never likes to overstay his welcome, peter’s the only one, besides thor who doesn’t count, that seems sad to see him go

20 years down the line peter just thinks he’s cursed to be short and baby faced for the rest of his fucking life, but jane mentioned it to bruce who took some samples and finally realized peter was just straight up not aging, they blame his powers first, it seems like the reasonable explanation

peter doesn’t take it too well, he’s already lost so many people, and now he’s going to outlive everyone else he cares about, he only puts two and two together when thor visits and says something about golden apples

thor is pretty unhelpful, he doesn’t really know anything about the apples, other than they keep him and his people alive well beyond midguardian years, peter finds himself wishing thor had been an intergalactic horticulturalist instead of brawler

so peter decides, fuck it, i don’t want to live forever, i’m going to space to figure out how to undo this, he hitchhikes through the galaxy with whoever will take him, it’s incredible and he keeps getting distracted saving lives and studying some new phenomena, tony keeps getting messages from peter about weird space shit, he and jane live for this crap

it’s in space that he runs into wade, who’s become a sort of intergalactic rogue after pissing off a lot of people he really shouldn’t have, wade recognizes peter from earth, it’s not often you run into another human out here

queue hilarious space hijinks and getting thrown in jail on a murder planet, where they accidentally help a coup to overthrow the ruling powers and escape, the usual

somewhere along the way, peter started falling for wade, he kept beating himself up over it, knowing that he was going to outlive wade by centuries and it’s just such a bad idea, until wade gets disintegrated and reforms, because wade fucking forgot to tell peter he’s basically immortal


	1149. Chapter 1149

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, space au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Continue the immortal au?"
> 
> Ask from [thatweird-welsh-girl23](https://thatweird-welsh-girl23.tumblr.com/), “Could we please have more info on the immortal golden apple Peter story? (Love your writing)”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Could you please continue the Immortal! Peter AU thingy”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Can we please have more of the immortal peter space au, like what kind of crazy shit does he get up too??”

so even in space you need some sort of money to survive, so peter takes up being a bounty hunter, and wade joined him since it’s basically the same thing as a hit man, but less killing, and they get their own shitty spaceship that peter lets wade name the millennium falcon, because peter lost rock paper scissors for the right to name it, he was going to do the uss enterprise

peter’s webs don’t always work right on some of the planets they go to, and after one unfortunate incident peter realizes that aliens don’t have the same chemical make up that humans do, so it’s just not practical anymore

so he and wade go weapons shopping, wade was like a kid on christmas when peter told him where they were going, peter got this cool bubble gun thing that trapped the target and he also picked up some parts to make himself some electrified gauntlets, wade got a bagful of stuff he thought was cool, implosion bombs and what definitely looked like a lightsaber and shit like that, they also got rocket boots and jet packs because why the hell not

peter finds himself missing his b list villains somewhere between space werewolves and an invisible criminal hiding on an invisible planet, peter also gets to find out just how well the gold apple is at keeping him alive, he sort of melted off his legs when his rocket boots got shot and he fell into an acid swamp, peter passed out from the pain, and when he woke up, wade had taken him to get cyborg legs, so now the rocket boots are built in

peter doesn’t really have a reason to keep his mask on anymore, he’s in fucking space, nobody’s going to care what he’s wearing or who he is, so eventually he just decides fuck it, wade gets the biggest grin that day because peter gives wade his name, wade already has about twelve different nicknames for him

wade and peter fought over who gets to fly and who gets to man the blasters when they get attacked, after nearly crashing the damn ship three different times, wade just kicks peter off the controls and tells him to go blow up somebody else for once, peter is actually really good at the blaster since he’s got better reflexes

they run into loki in some seedy bar a galaxy over, peter’s a lot happier to see her than she is to see him, especially when he tries to ask how to get rid of the effects of the golden apple, because that was a gift how dare you, they end up taking loki with them when they run though, since she set off a war by trying to play both revolutionary factions against each other and it escalated a bit too quickly

loki is a little horrified that peter and wade are just so fucking reckless, like you’re immortal not invincible you fucking idiots, and honestly ever since loki hopped aboard, they’ve had to make a lot less stops to repair the shit, loki’s much better than either of them at flying it

loki got tired of their shitty space ship and brought them to an embassy on a nice planet she’d been to before and stole one of the luxury transport ships, they barely made it out alive, but the ship was absolutely worth it, peter was all hyped to name this one, but loki shot him down because i stole it so i get to name it


	1150. Chapter 1150

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, gore, character death, cannibalism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter’s spider mutation makes him wanna eat the criminals he catches, but he’s always able to resist. but then venom bonds with him and peter can’t resist anymore, so he stops being spidey. after a few weeks of villains running wild, wade hunts down spidey to see what’s going on. peter throws on a mask and explains and wade laughs like it’s no big deal and says “when you get the urge to go hannibal lecter just knock on my door” and peter kicks him out. a week later wade gets a knock on the door."

venom amplifies feeling, emotions and urges, peter prided himself on his self control before venom came along, now he calls it a good day if he doesn’t wake up with blood smeared on his face, it gets bad, peter realizes that he can’t keep being spiderman like this, and tries to hide himself away

new york’s crime scene takes a tentative step out of the dark and runs wild with no spiderman to keep things in check, the avengers find themselves stepping in to deal with petty crime gone out of control, daredevil is stretched thin and wade even finds himself helping to pick up the slack

wade’s worried about spiderman, so he does some digging, a lot of digging actually, peter hadn’t wanted to be found, so it was a bitch and a half hunting him down, and he wasn’t even happy to see wade after all the trouble he went through

peter wasn’t looking good, he yanked on a mask when he heard wade coming and told him to leave, wade eventually got the story out of peter, who was scratching nervous, bloody gashes into his own arms, the more worked up he got, the darker wade could see his veins turn

peter takes offense to wade calling him “basically a vampire”, but before he leaves, wade offers himself up next time peter gets the urge to go hannibal lecter, peter yells at him for that

but not even a week later, wade gets a knock on his door, it’s something out of a nightmare, venom is standing on the other side, all teeth and wandering tendrils, wade doesn’t even get to scream before venom tears him to shreds and picks his bones clean

it takes almost a month for wade to reform after that, he wakes up in his own bed, crusty with dried blood and viscera, and peter passed out on the floor, peter’s apologizing before he’s even awake and wade keeps telling him it’s ok, he’s the one who offered

but from now on, wade takes it upon himself to feed venom with whatever scum he can hunt down, peter doesn’t have to know, and venom doesn’t lose it, wade’s not too fond of going through that again


	1151. Chapter 1151

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is turned into a pigeon."

i love this one, simple yet absurd

so wade not so accidentally pisses off the wrong sorcerer and gets turned into a pigeon, life as a pigeon is brutal, you can’t open doors, no thumbs, feathers itch like all the time, and he’s still a fucking ugly pigeon, like he looks sickly and half his feathers aren’t right, hell he can barely even fly, and even that takes some getting used to

but for some reason wade’s lucky enough to run into his favorite web slinging superhero, who immediately thinks he’s got some sort of disease and tries calling animal control, so wade fucks right off and follows peter to his house, trying to keep up best he can with his fucked up wings and bird sized attention span, it’s a nightmare

when peter goes to bed, wade finds some gunk to smear on peter’s window, spelling out “HELP” but backwards, because his brain isn’t even half the size of a walnut right now

peter starts thinking his apartment is haunted after strange messages start appearing on his windows, but he doesn’t worry about it until wade gets inside his apartment, peter and wade are both screaming and running around peter’s tiny apartment until peter traps him in the bathroom and calls animal control again, well he drops the call after he opens the door a crack and sees the bird patiently sitting on the sink, by a message written on the mirror in soap streaks, “DEADPOOL ->”

so then peter has to grab a towel and carry wade around to every magic user he can think of and see if anybody knows how to fix this diseased bird that he’s like 87% sure is actually wade, nobody has any answers, most of them just said it would wear off on it’s own time, in the meantime maybe see a vet?

so peter takes wade home, they communicate through peter’s laptop, he sets wade down on the keyboard and they talk back and forth, peter is convinced to go out and buy fries because wade told him they’re like crack to pigeons, wade almost chokes to death just trying to eat them all as fast as he can, peter refuses to get any more fries

wade figures out the faucet himself and peter wakes up in the middle of the night to find a pigeon having a bath in his sink, he goes back to bed and has conflicting feelings about being friends with a pigeon

when wade transforms back, peter wakes up to crashing noises and finds wade, still trying to get the hang of human legs again, laying face down on his kitchen floor, buck ass nude, it’s a long time before wade lives that one down, and a long time before peter can look wade in the eye again without going red


	1152. Chapter 1152

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade & Peter patrolling one night and stumbling across an outdoor wedding taking place, so they stop to watch and stealthily nab snacks from the table with Peter's webs for a while. They're just observing the event, pointing out things they think are funny or cute, but when the ceremony begins and vows are being exchanged, Wade suddenly can't tear his eyes from Peter, imagining what their wedding would be like, if Peter would be the one sweeping Wade off his feet and carrying him down the isle."

peter and wade stopped on the rooftops to watch a wedding, peter stealth webbed them some tiny sandwiches and cakes from the buffet table as they watched people put up strings of lights, it looked beautiful

as they started reading their vows, wade asked peter if he’d ever wanted to get married

peter took a long time to answer, but he said he used to, before he became spiderman he had a real shot at it too, but now… he didn’t want to put anyone in danger like that again, it just wasn’t meant to be

peter asked wade the same question, and wade admitted he’d gotten married before, twice, things just didn’t work out, what with the face and the murder, well the second time around he wasn’t doing the murdering, as much, it’s complicated

wade asked, “hey, webs, what do you think our wedding would be like?”, which had peter laughing because it would absolutely be a mess, wade asked if they could give out body glitter as party favors, peter said sure, they could have the ceremony in somebody’s back yard and give everybody silly string too

wade said he’d wear a dress, one of the nice big ones that you have to get fitted for, and peter asked why, wade said he couldn’t afford one before, and he didn’t want to upstage the bride, peter said ok then i’ll wear a suit so i don’t upstage you, and wade laughed because i’d like to see you try


	1153. Chapter 1153

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade is having a day out with Ellie when danger/duty calls. He buttonholes the scruffy-looking young man next to him and orders him to watch his kid, adding that he'd better not be a child molester."

wade and ellie are having a fun father daughter bonding kinda day, ice cream in the park and arcade games kinda fun, when the villain of the week comes crashing through a building right in front of them

wade immediately grabs the nearest person and told them to watch his daughter, wade was about to run off, but he turned around and grabbed the guy’s wallet, wade said you’d better not be like a child molester or anything peter parker, because i know your name now, and i will hunt you down and kill you

so peter’s left holding ellie, while wade ran off with his wallet, and peter’s freaking out because A) he needs to run off to fight crime too and B) HE SHOULD NOT BE LEFT IN CHARGE OF AN ENTIRE CHILD, HE KILLED A CACTUS ONCE BY FORGETTING TO WATER IT

peter runs into an alley and tells ellie that he’s going to tell her a secret, and she can’t tell anybody else, ellie’s ready to punch peter in the balls, when he pulls out a spiderman costume and tells her that she’s got to stay here so he can go help wade

of course this is ellie, so she does not stay there, and insists on coming with peter, peter gives in and tells her fine she can watch from the roof, but she has to promise not to tell anybody

peter barely makes it back in time and gets himself and ellie off the roof in time for wade to spot them, ellie insists on wade getting peter’s number so she can see him again, she says they’re best friends now, wade’s suspicious as hell, but he researches peter later, and he’s completely clean

when he talks to ellie about him, she just says that he knows spiderman, which matches up with the freelance photographer thing, and hey, any friend of spidey’s is a friend of his, so maybe he should call peter sometime when he needs to get ahold of webhead


	1154. Chapter 1154

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg can you continue the AU where wade told peter to watch Ellie while he fights the big bad?"

thanks to ellie, wade is now a constant fixture in peter’s life, sometimes he’ll text peter when he wants to meet up with spiderman, and he pays better than the bugle for spiderman photos, and sometimes he just comes by to drop off ellie while he runs to fuck off russia or something for a probably super secret mission

peter has to bring ellie with him to the avengers tower when they call him in on the week he’s babysitting, the one he specifically requested they didn’t call him on, so he’s a little ticked off, and ellie’s wearing a shitty kids spiderman costume they picked up at joan’s because she decided she needed to keep her secret identity safe too, and tony immediately says i’m too young to be a grandpa

at this point peter knows ellie’s teachers and he usually gets calls from them because they don’t want to deal with wade my-daughter-is-an-angel-fucking-fight-me wilson, and when wade tries to pay peter for babysitting, peter thinks of him as too much of a friend now, so he tells wade just to pick up his grocery list on the way back

ellie is so excited when she learns that peter makes his own costumes, because her dad can’t sew for shit and has to special order his costume, she ropes peter into making her her very own super hero outfit, it’s mostly red, like spiderman and deadpool, but it’s way flashier than anything peter would have picked, when wade comes back to get ellie, he compliments peter’s sewing by saying he could make real costumes, peter is trying so hard not to laugh, ellie absolutely laughs

eventually wade finds out about peter’s super secret when he comes back to pick up ellie, and she and peter are stuck to the ceiling after ellie got into peter’s super hero stuff and one of peter’s web canisters exploded, peter can’t come up with anything that explains away the whole mess so he has to come clean, which is a relief for ellie, because now she can tell her dad about all the dangerous shit she and spiderman have been up to when he’s away

peter trying to calm wade down after wade learned that he accidentally threw ellie off a roof one time, ellie not helping by talking about the time she got kidnapped by one of peter’s baddies because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time

wade gets over it pretty quick, mostly because he doesn’t know anybody else that he can trust to babysit ellie for a month on short notice and keep her alive, and also he’s best friends with spiderman, that makes wade ease up a lot


	1155. Chapter 1155

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "AU where wade and peter are both gen z lil shits"

depressed little shits sending each other memes back and forth at ungodly hours of the morning when they’ve got school the next day, they both claim to hate fortnite even though they regularly play it, neither will admit to liking it so they don’t play together

wade’s a drama club bitch with the body of a jock and peter hates that about him, wade “gender is for losers” wilson and peter “fuk u i’m trans” parker figuring out gender together, they sit at the queer kids table now, and somehow they still haven’t tried dating

wade’s got his own car, so he usually gives peter a ride home since the bus sucks so much, there’s been construction on this one road on the way to peter’s house, and every day, without fail, they pass by a “ROAD WORK AHEAD” sign, and they do it just so they can quote the vine

may doesn’t understand, but she watches vine compilations anyways so she knows what peter and wade mean when they talk, she also reads the wiki pages for all the superhero movies and weird video games peter’s always rambling about, she really does try


	1156. Chapter 1156

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, no powers au, coffee shop au, model au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "If you’re able I was wondering if you could maybe do model! Peter? Thanks it would make my day❤️"

so peter’s back in new york on another modeling contract, he’s happy he gets to see his aunt this time around, and there’s a lot about new york he missed, but he’s just so fucking tired of working all day that he doesn’t have a lot of energy left over for everything else

he’s already been in new york for five days now and he still hasn’t been able to take enough time to go see his aunt and it’s really weighing on him, he went to the coffee shop next to the studio he’s shooting at for his life giving morning coffee

wade works there and he has absolutely been crushing on peter, who’s made this coffee shop part of his daily routine, everybody looks tired in the morning, but today peter walked in looking dead on his feet, so wade doodled a little pineapple on peter’s latte and wrote, “you’re a FINEapple”

peter didn’t see it until he threw away his cup, it was just so unexpected and dumb that it left him smiling the rest of the day, every day wade would write some cheesy pick up line on peter’s cup and peter absolutely thinks it’s the sweetest thing

wade doesn’t expect to get anywhere with peter, wade saw his face on a billboard and thought this guy is so far out of my league, but one morning he writes, “i lost my number, could i have yours?”, and to wade’s surprise, peter actually turns around and gives wade his number

wade spends the rest of the day in a daze with a stupid grin on his face, the first thing he sends to peter is “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”


	1157. Chapter 1157

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So you’ve done this before but I was wondering if you could do more high school au type thing?? Sorry I just love it so much"

peter’s the terrified freshman in a sophomore biology class, and he gets seated next to wade, wade already looks like the kinda guy that’s just looking for a reason to start a fight, and he won’t stop staring, it’s freaking peter the fuck out and he doesn’t know what to do about it

wade’s actually just an idiot and he was looking at the pride flag pins on peter’s bag, at the end of class he worked up his courage and he was going to tell peter he liked his pins, but peter got the fuck out of there as fast as he could, after that wade keeps losing his nerve every time he tries to talk to peter

it’s not until halfway through the year when everybody has to partner up for projects that wade even says a word to peter, being the only freshman, peter’s the last choice, so wade hypes himself up and taps peter on the shoulder to ask if he wanted to partner up

peter is not happy but he didn’t really have another choice, so he buckles down and starts outlining to wade how they’re going to split up the work, it’s stupid but this is the first school project wade’s ever actually been excited for, and he really didn’t give a crap about slime molds before

peter soon finds out that wade is just a hoodie covered blushing mess, he’s not even sure that wade’s paying attention to what he’s saying half the time, and it’s getting really annoying, because when wade’s awkward and embarrassed it makes peter awkward and embarrassed and that’s just fucking awful

they trade phone numbers so they can check in with each other as they work on the project, wade spends three hours agonizing over what he should send, he eventually decides to finally tell peter he likes the pins on his book bag, peter thinks he means the anime pins, so he starts talking about his favorite anime series and wade has to start scrambling to take notes and scroll through wiki pages so he can hold a conversation

they keep talking after the project is over, and they have sleepovers on the weekend at peter’s place so they can binge watch anime that peter wanted to show him

wade does actually like some of the shows peter has him watch, he ends up getting some pins the next time he’s at hot topic, and after a lot of deliberating, he gets a pan pin too, the next day at school peter tells him cool pins, wade gets that stupid fluttery feeling in his stomach and so does peter


	1158. Chapter 1158

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I’ve seen you do some stories where Peter becomes like a second father to Ellie and I love them! But consider that mixed with the identity reveal...Wade is so ecstatic to get a response out of the cute guy he flirted with and he can’t believe that he hasn’t fucked it up after four dates. Naturally the next step is to get Peter to meet Ellie and hope that they get along. They do, of course, but how is it that they already seem to have an inside joke together?   
> Meanwhile, Peter has known who Wade was since the beginning and figured the merc had already found out who he was, since he was trusting him to meet Ellie. When he does meet Ellie, she recognizes who he is immediately(maybe Wade recorded Spidey to gush to her about or smt) and informs him that Wade has NO IDEA who he’s been dating. Peter feels guilty and wants to come clean but Ellie wants to see how far they can take this before Wade clues in."

well peter’s heard plenty about ellie as spiderman, and ellie’s heard plenty about spiderman from her dad, so when wade brings his boyfriend to meet ellie, peter says something to her that ellie knows wade only told spiderman, so she puts two and two together, and she whispers to peter, does my dad know you’re spiderman?

and peter whispers back yes, or he wouldn’t have asked me out, to which ellie rolls her eyes because her dad would flirt with anything with a pulse, so she has to be the one to break it to peter that no, wade really doesn’t know

peter immediately wants to go talk to wade, but ellie says wait, why don’t we see how long it takes him to figure it out, just pretend you think he knows, and i’ll tell you when he figures it out, because ellie is a little shit, but peter indulges her because he will do anything a kid tells him to do

whenever danger pops up when they’re hanging out, wade tells peter to stay put and runs off to save the day, which gives peter plenty of time to get suited up and jump in, ellie thinks it’s hilarious and wade’s mildly concerned that ellie and peter started to get along immediately, like they already had inside jokes after day one

it’s peter who breaks first, and it’s not technically his fault, the restaurant they’re in collapses and wade gets pinned under concrete and rebar, so of course peter panics and starts throwing chunks of concrete around to unbury wade, wade’s more concerned about peter being able to pick him up and carry him home than the fact he got partially crushed

so peter has to tell him, and then he has to tell wade about the deal he made with ellie, and wade says that little shit, because like father like daughter


	1159. Chapter 1159

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, mad scientist au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [fernandothefox](https://fernandothefox.tumblr.com/), "Okokok so what if like Peter was that kind of scientist that kept accidentally making world destroying abominations. Like he’ll just be like “hm what happens of i set this on fire?” Or “hm i’m hungry time for some toast” and some kind of tentacle, man eating, 4000 eye’d demon is somehow made??! And so after Wade moved in, and found out about it, he decided to videotape them (after the 3rd time) and put them on Youtube. For a while they started with Peter half cut off calling for wade  
> calling for wade like “-one it agian!! It’s in the kitchen “ -banging noises- -inhumane screeching- -the camera moves really fast, you hear thumping and the camera is sat down- “PETER WHAT DID U DO OMG??” “Look i just wanted some cereal” they fight the monster and the camera cuts out halfway through bc it picks it up and throws it. These video’s get really popular, and there asked if there real. So Wade decides to show them by videotaping Peter from the beginning, without him knowing of course.   
> They now see how Peter has a tragic case of monster maker disease lol. Sometimes if the monsters are small enough and not blood thirsty little demons, they keep them as pets. They show up in the vlogs Wade makes as the channel grows, Wade ends up talking about his and Peter’s life often, there famous and hilarious . They end up going on a talk show and they bring there “pets”. Sorry if this is too long!! (3) The world now knows it’s all true for real. It’s hilarious."

back when peter first discovered venom, he’d done a series of experiments trying to figure out how venom could be alive as an amorphous blob, because shits rad ok, along the way he accidentally kind of trained himself to make monsters, because what the hell else would you get trying to animate goo

he’s also messy as hell, so the fact that his monster making stuff is spread haphazardly around his apartment doesn’t help anything, one time he’d accidentally dropped something into his cereal and it tried to suffocate him because he’d tried to eat it, wade doesn’t eat anything in the apartment anymore

peter mixes up his poorly labeled jars and bottles all the time, so sometimes he’ll be trying to just make some more web fluid and it’ll start screaming and climbing out of the beaker, so peter’s gotta find something that’ll contain it, but then it starts expanding so he starts screaming for wade to get something with a lid

sometimes peter fucks up real bad and makes something world destroying and he and wade have to figure out how to unfuck the situation before it becomes a real problem, like the one that grew so fast it broke most of the walls in the house, or the one that wade was fairly certain was an actual demon that peter somehow accidentally summoned

wade thinks it’s hilarious, he’s the one that suggested they should start keeping the smaller less harmful ones, harmful is a relative term since one of the one with six eyes spits acid, but they thought it was kind of cute so they kept it

for the longest time everybody just thinks that wade’s youtube channel is some sort of homemade show about a mad scientist, but then again they do live in a world where aliens drop by to fuck shit up and mutant months and fish crawl out of god knows where to eat people, so it’s a real mystery

since they’re internet famous, wade keeps trying to get peter to go on some sort of talk show or something, but peter’s not one for publicity, he finally gives into wade one day and they bring arms, a little greenish ball made of tiny legs and nothing else, wade takes it out of the tank and it nearly escapes into the crowd


	1160. Chapter 1160

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Imagine Wade and Peter getting drunk (or as drink as they can) at Wade's place and BLASTING Mr Brightside and singing along to it"

wade and peter got their hands on asguardian alcohol and got absolutely smashed, peter couldn’t even move, he just planted himself on the floor, away from the burnt spot on the rug and announced he was going to live here now

wade caught the giggles and ended up hanging off the couch and petting peter’s hair, peter was trying to text wade something because it seemed like a great idea at the time, but he’d forgotten that he’d changed wade’s ringtone to the entirety of mr brightside, so when it started blasting, they gave up on trying to find wade’s phone pretty quickly and just started singing along

peter forgot the words halfway through and singing devolved into pitched screaming, it went on for a long time until wade remembered that his phone was in his pocket


	1161. Chapter 1161

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, monster au, scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "aaaaaaaaalrighty!! so, hi! I was uhm, the Shapeshifter Anon?? also the draggo Anon?? Soo, anyways! I kinda hc Peter to be a hummingbird,, bc it's fast and builds nests, but after the bite he becomes mutant, and along with it comes Venom, so sometimes the spider part takes over more, so sometimes it's a hummingbird w four instead of two legs when Pete's in control, and when Venom is they're basically just a huge spider w wings?? so most mutants would be hybrids, and I totally hc Wade to be a  
> Staffordshire Terrier (aka pitbull) bc around the right people he’s super sweet, and he has burns on the underside of his neck & belly, some spots on his legs, and around one of his eyes, so he perfers his shifted form, plus he can scare the shit out of people in both forms, so he’s fine with it. so uhh, yeah! that’s about all ya missed!!!💛💛  
> until one time he bites someone and the person he bit stays conscious, and got electricuted?? and so he goes to someone with a lot of knowledge n stuff, like a scientist but for shifters and abt them?? and turns out it’s Petey, he does a sample and turn out he’s part that one jellyfish that never dies, y'know, the one where when it get old it gets young again and can’t die?? that one,, and ofc,, Wade, the lil shit he is, he’s 32, flirting w this 28 yr old scientist he understands could (3)  
> prolly kill him with ease, he just gives off that vibe, FLIRTS. take it wherever, have a nice day!!💛💛"

so wade’s understandably confused, and since shapeshifters aren’t that well represented in the medical community, it’s not like he can just go to the doctor and say hey, when i bite people they get electrocuted, so he’s gotta look real hard to find a scientist that specifically works on shapeshifter research, and that’s peter

it takes a while, but after the whole spider bite and venom thing, peter’s gotten pretty good at identifying dna mutations, and he finds Turritopsis Nutricula, a jellyfish that’s essentially immortal because it can revert to it’s juvenile form, so wade’s freaking out a little, since he’d rather not go through puberty again, thank you very much

wade deals with it the same way he deals with everything else, bad humor, wade asked peter if he had any jellyfish in him, and peter says no just the world’s deadliest spider, but wade keeps going anyways and says would you like some, and peter walked right into that one, he has to bite his cheek to keep from smiling

peter asks wade to keep coming back, since he’s never seen a mutation like wade’s, and he’d like to track the regression if it happens, and wade’s not partial to doctors, but peter’s not technically a doctor, and he didn’t kick wade out after the first bad pick up line, so he does come back

it’s like wade’s seventh appointment with peter, the door is unlocked, but all the lights are off and he’s not sure that anybody’s inside, but it’s the right time and peter usually calls if he’s not going to be in, so he walks inside anyways

venom had gotten out and smashed the lights, and half of whatever was laying around, wade didn’t even get to turn around before venom attacked him, being attacked by a giant spider is one thing, but being attacked by a flying giant spider is monumentally more terrifying

wade panicked and shifted, his electrified bite knocked venom back hard enough for peter to take control and shift back, peter absolutely tried to pretend nothing had happened and asked wade to come back next week, but wade wanted to know what in the _ever loving fuck was that!?_

peter said it was a long story, and wade said he had time, how about they take this over to the pie place a block over, peter said that sounds like a date, and wade asked was it a date, but peter didn’t say anything, it was a date


	1162. Chapter 1162

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "wade talks in his sleep but not in the way you'd expect yanno with the trauma™ it's mostly a grocery list a six year old with money and no supervision would approve of, vague plans to check out a food truck nearby, etc. peter freaked out at first bc this voice was so much different than wade's regular voice owo"

now peter’s used to it, when his insomnia is acting up he listens to wade ramble on, it’s become weirdly relaxing

sometimes peter can get wade to hold a conversation while he’s asleep, it’s usually pretty hard to understand since Dream Nonsense, but sometimes it’s funny too, wade once shook peter awake in the middle of the night and very urgently asked “have you seen my boyfriend?”, peter was also half asleep and said i’m right here, wade just said oh and went back to sleep, peter stayed up half the night wondering what he’d been doing in wade’s dream, but when wade woke up he didn’t remember a thing, so that’s just gonna bug peter for the rest of his life

sometimes wade rambles about what he wants to eat when he’s sleeping, and if peter’s up, it always makes him hungry, so he has to go down to the kitchen for a grumpy midnight snack


	1163. Chapter 1163

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [dazeddarlingdear](https://dazeddarlingdear.tumblr.com), "Jealous!Deadpool is pouting about how close Peter and Harry are but he’s mad at the fact that he can’t do anything about it because he and Peter aren’t (technically) dating"

harry is a bit of a possessive friend, back in high school he and peter used to get in fights whenever peter got a girlfriend because harry always got drunk and convinced himself that peter was going to leave him, mj used to tease peter when they were dating that he’s got two girlfriends

harry’s gotten better with time, or at least in front of peter he has, maybe it’s just wade wilson that brought his jealously back, this jackass comes out of nowhere, is suspicious as hell, and peter doesn’t seem to mind that wade’s always hanging all over him and flirting with him, even if he does seem to brush it off

wade doesn’t like harry osborne, son of asshole osborne, every time he’s with peter, harry always finds a way to intervene or drag peter away, how many family emergencies can one guy have in a week, and peter doesn’t see it, wade’s tried pointing it out before, and peter actually got mad at him for suggesting it, so obviously peter’s just too nice for his own good

when peter and wade start dating, harry throws a fit, he stops answering peter’s calls and texts and when peter tries to go and see him, he’s never home, wade has to hold his tongue when peter comes home all sad because he thinks one of his best friends is mad at him and he doesn’t know why, wade wants to say i told you so so bad right now

wade puts on the suit and tracks harry down at some party, too wasted to get anything but mad when wade drags him outside, slaps some sobriety into him and tells him to fucking call peter or so help me god i’ll beat your face in next time i see you asshole jr

harry wakes up the next morning, handcuffed to a bench in the middle of nowhere, he does call peter later, he’s still hostile towards wade, and wade always goads him into a hissy fit when they’re around each other, but peter’s chosen to ignore it and pretend that his friends can all get along, it works well enough


	1164. Chapter 1164

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is NOT good at keeping secrets. He is improbably cut for a geek, always disappearing just in time for Spider-Man to appear, and ludicrously bad at lying. Everyone knows he's Spider-Man. They're just too polite to tell him."

obviously everybody at his high school knows, they just would all feel bad if somebody told him, public opinion is pretty in favor of spiderman, so everybody just turns a blind eye when peter goes running around with his mask off and his suit poorly hidden under his normal clothes

he once forgot to zip up his backpack and biked all the way home with his spiderman costume hanging out, he just thought he got very lucky and nobody saw

peter seeing an emergency and sucking at faking being scared, “oh no… we should… run or something…“, like everybody can see him on the roof, swearing and trying to shove his boots on

the number of times he’s said “i’m peterman, wait, shit”

the shield agent working as an english teacher at his school keeps telling him to bring an extra mask, please, i will pay for the fabric myself

flash has been weirdly nice to him lately and he can’t figure out why, peter sucks at remembering to cover up his bruises and his aunt has stopped him several mornings just to ask very pointedly where he got that nasty bruise so that he’d remember to take his concealer this time

he honestly thinks he’s doing a good job at this whole secret identity thing


	1165. Chapter 1165

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [onimi18](https://onimi18.tumblr.com/), "Re: the "everybody knows Peter is Spiderman, they're just playing along for his sake AU": Phil Coulsin is the SHIELD agent working undercover as the school's English teacher. Every day he just shakes his head and thinks to himself, "This kid is as much a disaster as Stark! Is Fury absolutely sure they aren't related?""

it’s a running joke/theory at shield that the spider kid is tony stark’s illegitimate son, it’s partly because tony is just so involved in his life all the time, and then there’s peter calling tony dad as a joke whenever they’re all suited up, and then the fact that tony keeps hacking shield surveillance on spiderman

phil really wishes tony would stop texting him in the middle of class just to tell him to deliver a message to peter, he’s already got the kid’s number, whenever peter gets hurt and coulson has to hide him in the nurses office or whatever empty classroom he can find and administer first aid, peter always asks him not to tell tony, as if tony didn’t already know and was on his way here to make sure peter wasn’t dying

fury did a dna test just to be sure


	1166. Chapter 1166

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [masonnerd](https://masonnerd.tumblr.com/), "I know you just posted this but can we get a moar?! Cause this is exactly the cogent I subscribed for!!!"

peter i-swear-i’m-not-spiderman-t-shirts parker doesn’t even hide the fact that sometimes the avengers drop by his school to pick him up early for his “internship”, everyone keeps an eye on the news to see how much he gets beat up if he doesn’t get back before the end of the school day

the gym teacher hates peter because peter tries to keep up his nerd persona at school by being one of the slowest kids in gym class, he’s purposefully bad at it, and the gym teacher can’t yell at him to actually try because he’s fucking spiderman, he can lift cars without breaking a sweat, so they have to pretend that peter’s trying his best and give him good grades, this may or may not be their super villain origin story

after peter was up all night fighting giant moths, he fell asleep in econ and when the teacher went to wake him up, mj stared them down until they left peter alone, kid needs his sleep after all, somebody else took notes for him

one time peter wore his suit under his clothes to school, except it was a low cut shirt and everybody could see the suit pattern, three different girls he didn’t know tried to get him to wear their scarves, when peter saw his reflection in the window, he ran to his locker to grab a hoodie, thankful that no one had noticed


	1167. Chapter 1167

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could we have some Peter being protected by Wade when he gets catcalled?? Thanks❤️🧡💛💚💙💜"

peter and wade are walking somewhere and peter’s wearing the heels he stole from wade because wade said he wasn’t gonna last the whole day in them, and peter couldn’t back down after that, he was of course regretting it already but he wasn’t going to say shit because that would mean wade won

so they walk past these two guys that are eating outside a restaurant and one of them shouts “hey, baby, where you going?”, and wade whips around and he’s all like what the fuck did you just call my boyfriend you piece of shit

the dude holds his hands up and says woah, woah, i wasn’t talking to him, and wade slows down a little and ask who he was shouting at then, and then the guy says, the one next to him with the great ass

wade had to drag peter away so he wouldn’t get in a fight with the guy


	1168. Chapter 1168

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spiderman, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Venom rescues Peter from an abusive situation."

i love the idea of venom morphing from very confused alien to very earnest best friend who will most likely start a fire to help you out, not that a fire was necessary to help, but they started a fire to help

venom wants to know more about humans, so peter leaves npr and netflix running at night for venom to listen to, and then venom starts trying to help peter with human things, like brushing his teeth in the morning and trying to figure out how to crack eggs without exploding them

peter spends extra time on his homework because venom wants to know what he’s doing, peter has to keep remembering to talk to venom in his head because he keeps walking around talking to himself and he’s already got enough problems at school, he doesn’t need people thinking he’s talking to imaginary friends or something

speaking of problems at school, venom doesn’t like peter’s bullies, in fact, it took everything peter had to hold back venom from coming out the first time he got beat up with venom there, venom doesn’t know how to say it, but they know that what happened was bad and they should be able to help peter, but peter says no

venom ends up in a wikipedia binge one night and finds all this stuff about abusive behavior and negative effects of bullying, and they use power point like peter showed them to make a presentation on why peter should let them kill his bullies, it’s actually quite good, there’s pictures and everything

but peter just keeps saying no, so venom resorts to bending the rules, also something they learned from the internet, they start setting off distractions whenever peter is in trouble, pulling fire alarms and setting nearby backpacks on fire, whatever works

eventually it’s peter who does something about it, he’s got venom in his head long enough telling him that this shit is not ok, and he starts to realize that venom is fucking right, so he finally finally goes to his aunt

aunt may marches into his principals office and doesn’t leave until those kids are either arrested or expelled, she sure as hell puts the fear of something in peter’s principal because the school has another one of those speakers come in and tell everybody that bullying is bad, but also all three kids peter was worried about ended up transferring

now peter’s gotta deal with venom getting into cooking shows and refusing to eat cafeteria food because it’s all the same shade of brown and the plating is bad, peter just wants to eat his pizza shaped cardboard in peace


	1169. Chapter 1169

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I think it would be cool if Peter had the ability to borrow powers and found out about civilian Wade’s powers when he got injured in a shootout"

peter parker died three years ago, but his clone lives on taking up his name and the spiderman mantle, through a series of bizarre events that would take forever to hash out, doc oc accidentally introduced rogue’s dna into spiderman’s only successful clone, which then nearly killed him and escaped with the remains of peter parker

clone peter keeps himself well bundled up so as to not accidentally activate his powers, and when duty calls, he borrows spiderman’s powers from his remains and fights crime, it leaves him much weaker than the real spiderman, stealing a dead man’s abilities, but he makes do with what he has

unfortunately what he has is jack shit in the healing department, so whenever he takes a bad hit or gets cut up, he’s down for weeks, he’s gotta wait for his bones to fix themselves and for the bruises to fade away normally, which fucking sucks

clone peter has an especially healthy fear of death, probably because of how many times he’s almost died, probably because he’s not suicidal and would absolutely love to not jump into the middle of a shootout to nab civilians before he can take care of anything else, but he’s also spiderman and spiderman would absolutely jump head first into sure death if it meant saving one person, so he jumped

he was so close too, he’d just missed one guy and his spider sense didn’t warn him fast enough, he was having a hard time breathing, he was choking on blood and couldn’t bring himself to move, he vaguely heard somebody talking to him, he tried to push them off so they wouldn’t touch his skin under the shredded costume, but he wasn’t strong enough

there was an electric jolt through his body and suddenly his neck was stitching itself back together and none of his lungs were punctured, he managed to roll over and hack up a massive blood clot before gasping for air, some guy was asking if he was still dying or what, peter’s spider sense was fading as he stood and looked around for the asshole that shot him

with the last bit of energy he had left, peter walked toward the guy like a zombie, uncaring about the bullets that tried to stop him, and knocked the guy the fuck out, he gave him another kick just for good measure and left

peter doesn’t really remember a lot of what happened, and he doesn’t put it all together until he runs into wade again, the guy has a knack for getting into trouble, which is how peter ends up pulling wade out of a knife fight which wade had brought exactly zero knives to, peter literally gets stabbed in the back, which fuuuucking hurts

and wade, remembering what happened last time, says oh i can fix that and just starts poking at peter’s back until they both feel the shock again, peter’s ready to run wade to the hospital, but he’s just still standing there, talking, talking a lot actually

this time peter asks his name before he leaves, which is how wade gets a three am visitor knocking on his bedroom window, minus an arm, wade says he’s not a doctor but that looks really bad, peter says shut the fuck up and help me

peter ends up crashing on wade’s couch a lot, super healing factor or not, getting a new arm really takes it out of you, wade’s mildly concerned that peter hasn’t been to a hospital before, peter tells him you could already do a suture before we met when was the last time you went to a hospital, the topic is dropped

wade’s the only one that knows about the real peter parker, peter had to explain why he had a bag of bones and what looked like human jerky in his closet, he really didn’t have a good excuse for that one so he had to tell the truth

wade’s a vet, so he gives peter some tips about not dying, and like actually being able to fight, eventually he just tells peter to sign up for a self defense class or something, it really does help in the long run

wade always jokes that when they kiss sparks fly


	1170. Chapter 1170

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, body guard au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "We've all heard body guard Wade, what abt body guard Peter? This scrawny kid works for a Maury-esk talkshow as a body guard, one time one of the guests gets rowdy, tried to punch Peter, by he dodges is lightning quick and gets the persons hands, on live TV, people go wild"

he mostly gets the job because nothing really big ever happens and they’re not expecting him to like save any lives or anything, he’s just gotta get in the way and make sure nobody loses an eye

what nobody is expecting is when a marital affair turns into a confession of murder, and for once, this wasn’t in the script, somebody grabs a pen and goes for their partner’s neck, peter grabs the guy’s arm, yanks it down, wraps his legs around the guy’s neck and brings him down before anybody even knows what’s happening

everybody loses their goddamn minds, actual cops show up and they have to stop filming, it’s fucking insane

ratings go up and peter becomes famous, as a special thank you, the cast decides to do something for peter, he’s not one to talk about his personal life a whole lot, but they get in contact with his friends, who are laughing themselves half to death as they tell the producers about peter’s on again off again boyfriend that disappeared after their last argument and it’s about time they talk it out and get back together again

nobody breathes a word to peter, all his friends make sure to get tickets in advance to be in the live show audience, they’ve all got cameras that security keeps telling them to put away, mj hasn’t stopped smiling in three weeks

they have peter sit down, they work up the intro, wade walks on stage, he doesn’t even say anything and peter’s already launched himself at wade, wade’s punching peter in the face and peter’s trying to break wade’s other arm, harry fell off his seat laughing as it took seven full grown people to drag them off each other

the host looks like they’ve just struck gold and the censor is paling just listening to the stream of swears coming from peter and wade

the episode ends with peter and wade heavily making out on the couch, enough to make everybody wildly uncomfortable, except peter’s friends who are still laughing their asses off and cheering them on

this shit happens every time, gwen always did say peter and wade would make a great reality show, every body else just calls it what it is, a shitshow


	1171. Chapter 1171

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Someone gets a picture of Spidey swinging into Peter Parker's apartment, and the next day's headline says that he is Spiderman...'s secret boyfriend. Wade can't stop laughing."

at this point in their relationship, wade already knows that peter parker and spiderman are the same person

he calls peter that morning, absolutely laughing his ass off, telling peter to check out this article about spiderman’s secret boyfriend

peter thinks it’s going to be another bullshit tabloid, but no, it’s in the new york goddamn times, and it’s a picture of peter, in full costume, crawling back into his apartment window, he was about to have a full on panic attack, until he read “secret love affair with daily bugle photographer, peter parker”, which is when he realized that he knew the person that had written this article, he’d gone to high school with them, and they had seen him tripping over his own two feet, stumbling his way through presentations, and just laying down on the floor in gym class when he decided to give up

peter feels a bit hurt that it’s soooo inconceivable that he could be spiderman that they thought he had to be a secret boyfriend, but there is the latent vindication of being right all these years, he almost wants to call ava and tell her that acting like a fucking failure of human life in high school absolutely did save his ass, and it was a good plan, but knowing her she’d just laugh at him because now he has to clear this up somehow or he’s going to have to deal with twice the bullshit as peter parker

so he walks into work and asks who wants to interview him about his secret super powered boyfriend, and gets published as saying that’s actually wade wilson in a spiderman suit, look at the butts, they match


	1172. Chapter 1172

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, au au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "deadpool rewatching one of his favorite movies which happens to star peter parker which he’s got a raging crush and one day deadpool accidentally gets himself into this alternate universe where he’s iN the movie and ofc he “accidentally” bumps in to peter the exact time peter is supposed to fall in love with some other guy and peter is smitten"

wade’s always had a thing for chick flicks, the sweet ones with the big confessions and sweeping romances, maybe it’s because he’s a huge sap and he’d die happy if anybody actually did any of that stuff for him

his actor crush is peter parker, wade fell in love ever since he saw the single romance that peter’s in, he’s watched the movie almost a million times, he can recite the whole thing from memory when asked, word for word, it’s his favorite movie right now

after walking into an abandoned blockbuster, wade found himself sucked into his favorite movie, he recognized the scene first, the color of the orange sky and the billboards right next to a little cafe, and then he walked right into peter goddamn parker, sorry, “garret” since they’re in the movie

this was supposed to be the moment that lauren walked into garret coming out of the cafe, and their eyes meet and the music swells and lauren offers to buy garret another coffee, except peter parker is looking up at wade’s eyes and taking all too long to take his hand off wade’s shoulder, and he’s stumbling through an apology as wade realizes lauren just walked past them without a glance, and this wasn’t how the movie was supposed to go

so wade grabs peter’s hand and tells him, this sounds absolutely crazy but you just missed your soulmate and you need to meet her now, and with that wade drags peter through the streets looking for the purple sneakers she wore in this scene, but to no avail, she’s just… gone

peter tells him, look it’s ok, if she’s really my soul mate then we’ll meet eventually, but i really have to go, i’ve got to-, and wade says “drive your niece to her tap class, i know”, wade quickly tries to cover up the fact that he knows exactly what’s going to happen by saying he’s psychic, peter just laughs and walks away

wade spends most of the day trying to figure out how to get the hell out of here, it’s late when he realizes that he’s shit out of luck, money, and a place to stay the night

which is of course when he wanders right past peter’s apartment, and peter sees him from his window and stops wade to talk, he finds out wade’s “newly homeless” as wade puts it, and peter says, you know i don’t usually invite strange men to stay the night, and wade jokingly asks if he makes exceptions for the hot ones, and peter smiles and says this time yeah, and wade’s heart stops beating for a minute because this is like straight out of his fantasies

in the morning wade remembers that lauren has a business thingy to go to today and if they run he can absolutely get peter there in time to meet her, peter is adorably sleepy in the morning and wade can feel his soul twisting every time peter looks at him Like That, but fuck man he’s not going to stand in the way of the story, so that means dragging a reluctant peter to some sort of bland ass party with barely any alcohol

really it’s wade who suffers the most, they spend the whole day running around the city while wade tries to figure out what were lauren’s schedule was taking them next, but somehow they always ended up just missing her, peter keeps telling wade to slow down and have some fun, destiny or whatever can wait, wade finally gives in for dinner, he lets peter pick the place since wade’s got no clue what’s nearby

as soon as they walk in wade knows where they are, the italian place garret’s sister works at, garret is introducing wade to his sister, this was supposed to happen with lauren and wade was getting frustrated with how off track they were, but the food is amazing and garret’s sister is easy to get along with and when wade and garret leave, the sister stops wade and tells him that she’s never seen her brother so happy before, so take care of him ok

it keeps going like this for weeks, wade’s too distracted to realize that he’s got a toothbrush in peter’s bathroom and his own bedroom once he took over the guest bedroom, he’s also too distracted to notice that peter’s just so fucking gone, making wade breakfast in bed and taking pictures of him with the light just right so that wade looks like he’s got a halo of light framing him

wade really doesn’t know what to expect when they get to where the movie ends, it’s on a cruise ship, wade took peter on the ship because he still had a small sliver of hope that lauren was also on the ship for whatever reason, that he could still fix it all

oh look there was a mistake and there’s only one bed, whatever, shall we do,,,

the cruise is amazing, and when they reach the caribbeans, wade’s just kind of down, he managed to fuck up his favorite movie and it’s just kind of really getting to him, peter sits down on the beach towel next to wade and asks him what’s wrong, and hands him something fruity and alcoholic

and wade says he fucked this all up, garret was supposed to meet his soulmate and fall in love in a whirlwind romance, this was supposed to be the proposal, under the setting sun where nothing existed but them

and peter says you know, you’re not a very good psychic, and wade laughs and says oh?, and peter tells him that if he were a good psychic, then he would have seen this coming, peter got up on one knee, wade stared at him as every thought in his brain petered out

peter pulled out the little black box and said, i don’t know about destiny or soulmates or any of that, but ever since i met you, it’s like seeing the world for the first time, i’ve never met anyone as crazy as you

wade recognized the proposal and said lauren’s line, “good crazy?”

peter smiled and told him the best, and how he couldn’t imagine life without him anymore, and i know this is fast and maybe i’m crazy too, but, peter opened the box and asked, marry me?

wade held out this long, but fuck man, he’s not just gonna throw away the best fantasy he’s ever lived, plus there’s no way he can salvage the original plot at this point, he tackles peter into the sand and kisses the living daylights out of him, peter jokingly asks if that’s a yes, wade laughs and wakes up in the dusty and empty blockbuster, feeling his heart break a little

since he had his phone back, wade was tapping away, trying to figure out how much time had passed while he was in movie land, and if he’d missed anything important, which is why he runs into some guy holding a cup of coffee

peter parker grabs onto wade for dear life as his coffee hits the ground, wade catches him before they both fall over, and without thinking, wade recited lauren’s lines from when she and garret meet outside the cafe, “shit, sorry about that, i can absolutely get you a new one, i insist”

wade says holy shit about the same time peter asks if that was from his movie because it sounds really familiar, after they untangle themselves wade sheepishly says it’s a good line, peter agreed, giving wade his drink order, peter wrote his phone number on the cup and left it with wade before he ran off, just like the movie


	1173. Chapter 1173

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, guns, no powers au, zombie au, apocalypse au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I'm not sure if you've seen zombieland, but it's a really good movie and I was wondering if you could do something where Peter is colombus and wade is Tallahassee"

so peter is new york and wade is winnepeg, peter was three weeks late to the zombie apocalypse because he’d shut himself in his dorm room and didn’t come out until he finished his thesis

wade and peter met on the road, wade almost ran over peter because he thought peter was another lone zombie, peter just barely jumped out of the way in time, wade realized he was still human when peter started swearing at him, so he offered peter a ride as a sort of apology

they were both headed north, peter wasn’t looking for anyone he knew at this point, getting your hopes up always ended badly, and his aunt had lived in new york, the large population centers were the most dangerous when the outbreak started, wade was just driving, didn’t have much of a destination in mind, but he was absolutely going to kill as many zombies as he could on the way, and he was pretty damn good at it too

peter had to admit, there was a sort of sick satisfaction to hitting a zombie head on going down the freeway with a broken speedometer, but when they had to make a stop to look for supplies, wade tries to throw peter a shotgung, he absolutely misses and admits he doesn’t have his glasses anymore so he can’t really see shit, wade’s amazed he’s survived this long since peter “i have a degree” parker certainly didn’t get one in common sense

peter can hold his own, he just can’t aim a gun to save his life, and if it hadn’t been for wade he probably would’ve been dead by now, peter’s getting real tired of the whole “piss me off and i’ll blow of your goddamn head” shtick wade’s got going on, he’s pretty sure wade would do it, but it also gets old real fast

when peter stops caring and starts snarking wade back, wade ends up laughing half the time, if nothing else peter’s got balls

they break into an abandoned mall for the hell of it, queue montage of peter and wade dressing up in the weirdest clothes they can find, smashing all the knife displays for the machetes and trying to see if any of the ice cream places had freezers running on backup generators, there were none

before they left, wade grabbed a little plastic dinosaur to add to his collection in the duffel bag in the trunk that peter absolutely didn’t snoop in

when they get far enough north they find a massive truck with a snow plow, peter already knew what wade was thinking from the maniacal grin on his face, the plow screeched against the asphalt and soon the windshield wipers were too clogged up with bone and viscera to keep working, wade laughed his head off as peter held onto his seat for dear life

they broke into an antique store and wade was absolutely ecstatic when peter found a few swords, apparently wade actually knew how to use them, because of course he does, so he teaches peter some tricks and just generally how to not die, and peter doesn’t suck at it, he’s just so nearsighted

they end up passing by new york, and wade asked if he wanted to see what was left, peter just shook his head and they kept driving, new york got hit pretty bad, wade said already realizing he should shut up and not try to make small talk, but then tears started falling down peter’s face and wade started panicking

he stopped the truck and patted peter’s back as he stared dead ahead, when peter calmed down, he asked wade if he’d had any family, wade says just his daughter, peter asked if she liked dinosaurs, wade didn’t answer and started the truck again

they find a planetarium and peter makes wade stop, he manages to get the thing working and peter starts explaining everything they see, constellations, types of stars, galaxies, planets, just everything

peter admits he always wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid, but that wasn’t going to happen, so he went into rocket science instead, he was gonna build the one that got man to mars, but hey who needs dreams when you’re living in a nightmare right

the theater went dark and peter said my name’s peter parker, just thought somebody should know, wade gives his name and they shake hands like they’re meeting for the first time before dissolving into a fit of giggles, wade raids the nearby video store and peter rigs up the projector to play finding nemo

the sound of a helicopter wakes them up, they both run outside and wade tells peter to find something to burn, peter grabs every bottle of booze wade has in the truck and smashes them on the ground, wade’s so mad he can’t speak, peter grabs one of the handguns and shoots, the explosion singes his hair a little but it certainly gets the attention of the helicopter, peter is so fucking happy that he grabs wade’s face and just plants one on him

peter knows as soon as he opens his eyes that wade’s never going to let this one go, but it doesn’t matter, they’re alive and they’re leaving hell


	1174. Chapter 1174

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if Peter is a sassy, confident drunk but only Wade knows because Peter doesn’t drink around the rest of the avengers. But after like a big battle or something they finally convince him to get drunk and the rest of the avengers are shocked or something when Peter starts sassing everyone. ( I love all your work, you’re an amazing writer)"

peter has a persona to maintain, wade’s only ever seen him get drunk out of costume and even then it takes a lot to get him drunk, so when he finally agrees to an avengers we’re still alive party, everybody’s surprised when peter starts acting like peter parker and not spiderman, mostly because wade’s the only one that knows peter parker

cap sees peter slumped over on wade and tells him to take it easy, peter opened one eye and told steve to turn off the fucking coms before he starts making out with his boyfriend, some of us are single and bitter about it

bucky is cracking up in the background and half the group is left speechless, tony who’s bar tending since he doesn’t drink anymore cuts peter off, peter in response, snags a bottle of something with his web shooters and looks tony dead in the eye as he chugs the whole thing

wade has to be the one to carry drunk off his ass peter back home, peter regrets it the next day because of the massive hangover and the video of himself trying to fist fight the hulk and getting sat on that natasha sent him


	1175. Chapter 1175

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drinking, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [itz-a-me-alvin55](https://itz-a-me-alvin55.tumblr.com/), "If possible could you continue the sassy Peter au?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Omg i fricking love sassy drunk peter!! Now im just imagining all the avengers trying to get peter to drink with them and as ususal shenanigans ensue”

peter swears that he’s never going to drink again, but then the avengers invite him over to try asguardian wine and peter thinks, it’s wine so i can just have a glass and i’ll be ok

asguardian anything is about 10x stronger than peter was expecting, and after a glass he is drunk, the more mortal avengers were out with their first sip, clint is on the couch staring at a bowl from the kitchen and natasha is passed out in front of the tv, snoring, the hulk came out to play, so peter’s draped over him arguing about who would win in a fight, the flash or quicksilver

wade shows up late to the party after peter drunk dialed him about ten times, wade actually gets buzzed for the first time in many many years, so peter and wade end up having sex in captain america’s bed, mostly because peter mentioned it was always a fantasy of his

in the morning, peter had to deal with apologizing to steve, and facing his own newly realized feelings towards wade, peter can’t decide which he wants to do less, he also decides, again, never to drink again


	1176. Chapter 1176

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [readersfever](https://readersfever.tumblr.com/), "Wade finds out the hard way that peter is allergic to bug spray/pesticide"

wade has a problem with cleaning, it’s just so much easier to not, so he got an ant problem pretty soon, and normally he takes care of it by burning the place down and getting a new place to live, it’s easier, a fresh start

but right now he’s pretty happy living in nyc, and he and peter have so many nice memories here, the boot prints on the ceiling and the holes in the walls and the scorch marks on the rug, it’s finally feeling like home, and home was a pile of garbage

so wade went out and got a ton of ant killer, bug spray, anything to get rid of the ants and spiders and cockroaches, wade figured it was ok to go back in when he stopped coughing up blood after ten minutes inside, he’s aired the place out and threw some of the worse garbage out, proud of having 67% less insects than before, he invited peter over for lunch

after five minutes peter was scratching himself raw and clearing his now chronically dry throat, peter locked himself in the bathroom under the shower when his whole body broke out in a rash

wade feels so bad about the whole thing that he ends up burning the place down anyways, but he forgot about all the bug spray and stuff he left inside, the place explodes in a massive ball of fire, wade has to saw his mask off his melted flesh later, but it looked damn cool

peter refuses to visit wade until he cleans his house like a normal person so there’s no bugs to worry about anyways, wade hates it, but guilt is a great motivator


	1177. Chapter 1177

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is fully aware that Wade Wilson/Deadpool is the same person and has a huge crush on Wade. However, Deadpool, as always deeply in love with Spidey, is unaware Spidey/Peter are the same person and finds Peter rather bland. Angsty fluff, please and thank you."

wade’s always hated peter parker, the guy slanders his favorite super hero over at the daily bugle, which was one more leap away from being a tabloid, he’s also just kind of an asshole, he’s gotten some pictures of wade royally fucking up that got printed there too, and they did not paint him in a good light

when peter loses his powers for a few days, he enlists deadpool’s help in protecting peter parker because spiderman is going to “be out of town” and he’s got reason to believe that peter parker may be in danger, wade absolutely wants to say no, but it’s fucking spiderman, he’d jump off a cliff if the guy asked him to

peter parker is an ungrateful dick, he had the nerve to yell at wade for crawling into his bedroom in the middle of the night, because that’s the perfect time to attack somebody, he’s got a job to do and he’s going to do it, so peter parker and his goddamn self righteous dickholery can suck it

wade started getting suspicious about peter parker after the third attempt on his life in as many days, what’s so special about the guy anyway, he’s like the blandest person wade knows, he just goes to work, eats like cereal for all his meals, and complains about everything, he’s got the fashion sense of a colorblind professor and he’s not even smart enough to duck when wade throws something at him

so wade goes snooping through peter’s stuff, he finds a hidden panel in the back of the guy’s closet when peter’s in the kitchen, it’s got spider suits and web shooters and web fluid and wade sees red, wade slams the mask down on the counter in front of peter and demands to know what kind of relationship he and spiderman have, peter has the audacity to be mad at wade for digging through his crap

there’s an angry fist pounding on the front door that interrupts their shouting match, peter swears and drags peter into his bedroom, where he digs more stuff out of his secret closet of lies and deception, he snaps on a web shooter and drags wade out the window with him

they crash land on another roof and wade groans because peter landed on him, peter says sorry usually this is easier, they race down the nearest fire escape as somebody shouts out peter’s window at them, peter runs to the nearest empty locked car and tells wade to break the window, which he does, peter hops in and jams a key like thing in, starting the car, wade hops in and they start driving, peter sucks at driving and it’s honestly scarier than getting gunned down back at the apartment

wade asks why they had to break into a car he had the key for, peter explains that it’s a skeleton key for cars, but all it does is start them, not open them, and wade asks why the hell do you need something like that

a guy in black rides a motorcycle along side them and pulls a gun on peter, peter slams the car into the motorcycle and pulls them back on the road before he can wrap the car around a light pole while wade screamed, wade’s yelling where the hell did you learn to drive, and peter yells back i’ve never had to drive below 120 mph before

with wade shooting through the back window at their pursuers and peter driving like he’s got a death wish, they loose the goons long enough for peter to lead wade up some nondescript building to a hidden bundle of webs, he asks wade for a knife and wade tells him not to hurt himself, peter reveals a backpack with a spiderman costume inside, while he’s changing wade tries asking him again what he is to spiderman, peter just says important and tells wade they need to see a friend of his

peter’s “friend” was apparently the fantastic four, since they drove up to the baxter building and walked right in without having to go through security, peter told wade to wait here and went off with reed richards

johnny, being johnny, stayed back to ask wade “so you and spiderman, huh?”, to which wade says that’s not spiderman that’s peter parker, and you couldn’t pay me to spend any more time with that guy than i have to, which has johnny laughing himself sick, he never does explain why

peter comes back in a few hours, wade raids the kitchen and accidentally breaks something in the meantime, as they’re on their way back down, peter turns to wade and says look thanks for helping me out, it really means a lot and you saved my life at least four times these last few days

wade brushed him aside, asking when spiderman would be back, to which peter grinned and said spiderman was already back in town, he asked if wade wanted a ride back, wade steps out of the building and looks at the car peter killed getting them there and said only if he gets to drive

peter laughed and told him don’t worry, spiderman’s back in town, remember, and with that he grabbed wade and used his web shooters to swing them up into the air, wade, after the initial shock, wiggled free of peter’s grip and dropped to the ground, peter scrambled mid fall to grab wade, but ended up slamming wade’s leg into a brick wall, breaking it

peter brought them down to the ground to see if wade was ok, but wade pulled a gun on him and demanded to know WHO IN THE FUCKING HELL HE WAS, peter was confused, he’d thought wade already knew, at least after today how could he not

wade said you can’t be spiderman, you’re just some boring ass jerkwad who works at my least favorite newpaper and happens to know spiderman, peter ripped off his mask, angry tears already welling up, peter yells at wade that he trusted wade with his life and his biggest secret because they were friends, and now that’s all worth jack shit because peter parker isn’t good enough, huh

wade got up on his broken leg and hobbled away without another word, and peter went home to cry his goddam eyes out

wade showed up at peter’s newly repaired apartment after a month of radio silence with a bouquet of flowers and an apology, peter slammed the door in his face, so wade crawled in the window instead, the flowers got crushed

finally he wears peter down and peter says he’s got two minutes, wade starts talking all in a rush, about how he’s sorry for running off and what he said before and really the reason he didn’t like peter parker was because of the daily bugle stuff, but it’s different now that he knows peter is spiderman and were you and johnny a thing, never mind, i brought you flowers but i kind of fell on them so, sorry

you’re still an asshole, said peter, i know, said wade

peter took the flowers and salvaged what he could, he told wade it was going to take a lot more than flowers it make it up to him, wade nodded miserably, then peter said how about you take me out to dinner around six

wade had to ask him to say that again because he really wasn’t expecting that, when he finally got it into his head that peter was serious, wade told peter that he’s been in love with spiderman since forever, but he really wants to get to know peter parker too, so i know a little italian place to die for

peter said it better be good, and i’m going to need more flowers, wade saluted and scrambled out the window to get more, peter yelled after him to use the door next time, but wade was already gone


	1178. Chapter 1178

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "[Ok ok ok so you know the post (not yours) that has a reporter asking spiderman what he thinks of peter and its basically peter beefing with himself](https://that-stark-family.tumblr.com/post/177016089980/reporter-spiderman-what-can-you-tell-us-about)? So like what if it became like a Thing and Peter and Spidey have like a feud and only like Tony and maybe wade know they are literally the same person"

listen peter doesn’t even work at the daily bugle anymore, but jj absolutely goes to him for comments on spiderman, just because they make the guy look bad, and peter technically works right next to the avengers, like he’s the best jj can do at this point

it really all started as a joke, somebody asked peter what he thought of spiderman and peter panicked and was really sarcastic, so when spiderman got asked for a rebuttal, peter thought what would spiderman do if he got insulted by some fresh out of high school nerd that doesn’t even save the world on a daily basis, and thus spiderman and peter’s rivalry was born

tony doesn’t know if this is a bad thing or not, when he was hiding his secret identity he kept defending iron man, so he’s got no clue what peter’s angle here is, and he’s mildly concerned that this is peter’s negative self image coming out in an unhealthy way but he doesn’t want to confront peter about it because what if that makes peter get mad at him for pointing it out

it’s really just a joke and peter’s in too deep to back out now, in fact it’s ingrained in his separate personas now, sometimes when he’s helping tony make suit upgrades for his spiderman costume, he’ll suggest something like making karen remind spiderman that he’s not supposed to let the villains get away, and tony has to ask you know you’re spiderman right

some of peter’s friends actually get in low key fights with him because he’s just so against spiderman, it’s who he is now and there’s no going back

tony gets concerned enough that he sits peter down and says look i’m not sure if this is the best thing for your mental health, so please for my sake please stop, so peter agrees and makes up something about how spiderman saved his ass, and spiderman stops insulting him back, it’s still big enough news that peter gets interviewed on his “change of heart” and gets free spiderman swag, he doesn’t use any of it because that just feels weirdly narcissistic, so now aunt may has a bunch of spiderman t-shirts and key chains and things and it makes peter so embarrassed, but may always tells him that she’s his biggest fan


	1179. Chapter 1179

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, gore, zombie au, apocalypse au, monster au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Zombie au?? Porfavor"

peter was working in the labs that created the virus, a test that was meant to find the secret to longevity that went all too horribly wrong, the rats injected with the experimental formula escaped, bashing their heads in against cage walls and chewing through metal bars until their gums bled, the next morning the first reports of zombified humans started coming in, and the lab knew they’d just fucked the entire planet

the city was quarantined, but the disease spread through animals that had also been infected, ones that were able to get past the quarantined zone, once the virus entered your bloodstream, there was no coming back, society soon collapsed, large windowless buildings and warehouses became sanctuary cities with limited supplies, others roamed the abandoned hellscape of what used to be cities as scavengers, basically shit was fucked

peter became a scavenger after his boyfriend wade was bitten, and peter refused to leave him to die alone, he also wrestled the gun away from wade so he couldn’t shoot himself, he’s got wade muzzled and leashed as he goes from abandoned laboratory to abandoned hospital, trying to find a way to make a cure

peter keeps having to stitch wade back up every time one of his extremities rots off, so wade looks a bit like an evil leaking patchwork doll, it’s pretty terrifying, peter keeps well away from others, since most people’s first reaction to seeing wade is to try and kill him

peter’s got a converted ice cream truck that he drives himself and wade around in, he’s also got several cages full of zombified squirrels and pigeons and whatever he can catch to experiment on, because most of his failed cures ended in smoking black goo, or wet explosions

he discovers a cure purely by accident, he’d been watching a non mutated snake catch and swallow a very clearly zombified rat, peter caught the sake so he could watch it turn, but it’s been three days and it’s still just a snake, peter realized he hadn’t found a single snake that had turned, snakes seemed to be the only thing that was immune to the effects of the virus

working further, peter discovered that for whatever reason, snakes had a natural immunity to the virus, and using the blood of an infected but not zombified snake, he was able to make a vaccine which he used on himself, but fat lot of good that did wade

ever since he had given himself the vaccine, peter had lost a small patch of skin on his arm that had rotted away and revealed the clean flesh beneath, and for some reason zombies would ignore him, it got to the point that peter felt comfortable walking alongside the creatures, they never gave him trouble anymore

curing zombieism was another matter entirely, peter returned to where it had all started, the lab he had helped first create the virus in, and he slaved away trying to fix whatever had gone wrong, the test had provided the subjects longevity, technically, but obviously the side effects made it unusable

using his own blood, peter discovered that he could mix the original formula into a sample his blood and see a noticeable change in his cells, while the vaccine he had given himself suppressed the negative effects of the virus, it was the closest he’d come to a cure

peter strapped wade down and hooked himself up to wade with an iv, transferring his own blood into wade’s body over the course of several weeks, only stopping when he was too light headed to continue, wade went into a catatonic state, slowly peter watched wade’s skin stop melting off his bones and his lips and nose and ears grow back, it took months, honestly the only reason peter wasn’t dead by now was because zombies weren’t interested in him anymore, but he was really pushing it with how little blood he had at any given time

peter thought he was hallucinating again when wade opened his eyes and croaked out peter’s name, wade’s brain had been severely deteriorated over time and his speech and comprehension had been badly damaged, but thanks to the goddamn formula that started this whole mess, wade was actually growing back his organs and muscles, peter actually had hopes that wade would be able to get back his full speech and motor abilities within three years if they worked on it

but for now, it was nice just to be able to hold him again


	1180. Chapter 1180

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is the only thing keeping Wade from adopting ten dogs. And one day he goes out of town."

peter and wade have been living together for a few months now, and honestly peter’s like 86% of wade’s impulse control at this point, so when peter has to go out of town for a science and engineering expo, wade’s left to his own devices

peter left him a note, it reads:

-don’t burn the house down  
-keep expenses under 2,000$  
-don’t die  
-i love you

so wade’s determined to stick it out, but in the process of taking over peter’s usual spiderman patrol routes, wade ends up hunting down a robber and cornering them in a rescue, while talking to one of the volunteers there to see if anything had been broken during the fight, wade learned there were seven older dogs who had been there for at least five years, so wade took them home

he ran to the nearest pet store and got nametags and toys and food for all of them, all in all, the total added up to just under 2,000$, when peter got home and found wade underneath a pile of fur and slobber, he just sighed and decided they needed a bigger place, because peter only has slightly more impulse control than wade does, and he can’t tell eight pairs of puppy dog eyes no


	1181. Chapter 1181

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, mythology au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "So umm... What if Peter was Hades? Seriously, just think about it. Hades is literally the only male Olympian to not be dickish regularly, AND he is a really good husband. Also, Persephone means Chaos Bringer anyways, and she’s actually more feared than her husband in mythology by anyone with good sense, so... Persephone!Wade with a side of Cerberus!Venom?"

so wade’s pretty freaking gorgeous, like narcissus just with more brains, he’s kind of raised in near isolation, he’s always under the eyes of watchful gods, the only friends he has are all nymphs, the spirits of what he grows from the earth, but despite wade’s peaceful upbringing he’s always ready to start a fight, he’s just so fucking bored, he can’t do anything on his own

so when one day he finds a cavern made of crumbled earth, as though the ground had just fallen away, he hears a sound far below, doesn’t even hesitate to jump down into the pitch black

wade found a river of fire, and to cross it to reach the underworld he challenged the ferryman to a duel and won, hell was fucking rad, ghostly lights flitted around your hands when you reached out to them, spirits whispered long forgotten secrets into the ear of any that would listen, and in the dark grew strange plants that wade had never seen before, feather soft mosses that crept over stone and brilliantly lit fungus that brightened at a touch

the farther in he went, the more deathly silent the world became, wade encountered the three headed monster guarding the gates of the land of the dead, it let him in when he traded the lunch he’d brought along for passage, or maybe it was just distracted, either way it worked

peter was informed of the stranger in his realm all too late, he burst into the normally empty dining hall just as wade picked up a fruit, peter told him to leave before it’s too late, wade looked him dead in the eye and shoved as much of the pomegranate in his mouth as he could, peter frantically tried to get wade to spit it out, fearing the wrath of the other gods

wade did have to spit a lot of it out since he got the skin with the seeds, but he still managed to swallow six of them, when peter screamed all dramatic like “what have you done?!”, wade said something along the lines of try to get rid of me now fucker

peter decided to just not say anything until the other gods figured it out themselves, it’s not like he had a line to olympus anyways, he just really didn’t want to deal with the fall out

wade is kind of an awful house guest, he keeps getting in the way of peter’s work and asking endless questions without ever giving peter any time to respond, the minions seemed to like having him around though, it gave them something to do, and he kept sneaking venom snacks so now peter was losing control of his own home

even though peter was doing his best to ignore wade, wade was starting to grow on him, he was funny, and even in this bleak landscape, he had deep red blooms and oddly shimmering creeping vines growing even inside, it almost made the air lighter

wade eventually won him over, it only months of blatant flirting and walking around naked for peter to give in, wade found that he liked the gloomy little god, peter showed him how the underworld worked, justice served to each who deserved it, wade made fun of him for all the nerdy ironic punishments

wade loved the underworld, the freedom, the constantly changing landscape, the glittering walls of the jewel encrusted mosaics that lined the walls of peter’s house, and the sound of justice being delt that rang through the still air

one of wade’s favorite places in hell was the gaping maw of tartus, heat from the center of the earth radiated from the deep canyon, the blinding light a stark contrast to the darkness of the underworld, peter told him that enemies of the gods are trapped there, wade really wants to throw something down there just to listen to it fall for days like peter said it would

but the best part of the underworld was peter, he looked sickly and gaunt, black robes billowed out wherever he walked and souls shirked from his presence, it was the eyes that gave it all away, the fire burning behind them, showing him for what he truly was, the god of the damned


	1182. Chapter 1182

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, mythology au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [](), "*hugs* Hope you’re doing okay! :) I really loved the Wade as Persephone AU btw!!! Do you think we could see more if you’re up to it? Can Clint be Hermes, aka the poor sap going “Aw, Wade, no,” while trying to figure out how to explain to whoever Zeus is what happened."

peter knows the other gods on olympus well, after he finally decided that he wanted wade to stay, in the past bribery had served him well, so peter decided to send a letter to tony, god of the forge, to make a present for thor using a rare metal only found in the underworld that was notoriously difficult to work with due to it’s legendary strength, peter didn’t have any doubts that tony was the one that could tame it, and he knew the blacksmith would jump at the chance to use it

peter had to wait until clint made a visit to the underworld to put his plan in motion, clint walked into the looming building and stopped dead in his tracks as he saw wade lounging on the throne of the underworld as peter stood next to him, he said, “aw, wade no” as he thought of the gods back on olympus that always liked to shoot the goddamn messenger, they were not going to be happy about this

clint didn’t take much bribing, he would also like to put off announcing that wade shacked up with everybody’s least favorite deity, thor realized what had happened when he received his gift, an unbreakable hammer that only he could wield, he quickly became fond of his new weapon, so when clint finally announced that wade was bound to the underworld, thor said you know what maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, a compromise was reached, half the year wade would return to give the land fertility and growth, allowing humans to survive the barren winter months that would follow when he returned to peter

the underworld changed wade, the longer he stayed there, the more it twisted and broke his skin, whenever peter worried about it, wade would just tell him that now he looks like the prince of the damned, they couldn’t be happier


	1183. Chapter 1183

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can I have more of Peter being snarky? Thanks it brings me joy"

peter is a stressed out college kid running on not enough ramen with a full class load to keep his scholarships and a part time job, and that’s on top of his fucking anxiety and moonlighting as a vigilante, so sometimes, when it’s been a long and fucking awful day, he gets a little fed up with people

he once collapsed in a fit of giggles when kraven got a new costume change, leopard print yoga pants were just pushing it too far

it’s usually other heroes he gets short with, cause nobody thinks spiderman can handle the big leagues, and nobody gives spidey any credit when the avengers show up, and nobody pays spidey to get shot every other week

when clint thinks it’s funny to shoot an arrow right next to spiderman’s head, as a fucking joke, peter maybe sometimes signs at him to get a real superpower

when matt decides to be an ass and tell peter he’s supposed to be beating up the bad guys and not the other way around, peter lightly punches him in the arm where he got stabbed the other week

when luke makes fun of him for accidentally agreeing to a date with deadpool, peter tells him “you just wish you could tap this”


	1184. Chapter 1184

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [potterismyking](https://potterismyking.tumblr.com/), "Can I get more Spidey just being super stressed so he takes it out on the other supers"

ok but peter’s heard so many goddamn “professional” supers giving him shit for not being able to take care of things on his own, and not aligning himself with anybody, and peter is just so fucking tired and worn down, and he does this shit for free, out of pocket even, in his spare goddamn time, it cuts into his life, he hasn’t had a real relationship since before he got his fucking powers, and everybody fucking hates him

he’s got his own personal slander paparazzi, nobody takes him seriously, he gets stabbed at least twice a month, and every time the cops show up he gets in trouble

like just one fucking break would be nice, but today it’s just a stack of shit, and to top it off he’s got the goddamn avengers lecturing him like he’s a dumbass kid, and he just, snaps

anger bubbles up in him, and he goes quiet because he’s just so fucking angry that it’s all he can think about, and when he gets angry, he fights angry

he scares the avengers that are around, there’s something unsettling about a silent spiderman, it puts everybody on edge, and when peter decides to use iron man as a human wrecking ball just to get the job done, the avengers stop talking down to peter so much because A) they didn’t know he was strong enough to hold back rockets and B) they may have forgotten he’s not a dumbass d list hero


	1185. Chapter 1185

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if wade didn’t know peter was spiderman, and couldn’t stand how much peter was shit talking spidey. What does he do?"

knowing wade it’s not entirely unlikely that he’d show up at the daily bugle, possibly inebriated, shouting about how everybody here is a massive dick and they’re slandering his best friend’s name

the next day the daily bugle front page has a picture of deadpool throwing a desk through a window with the caption “Terrorist Spiderman Gets Drunk, Destorys Daily Bugle”, wade feels real bad about that one for a while

peter keeps trying to convince wade that it’s all fine, he has a deal with this peter parker guy, it doesn’t matter what the papers say about him, so wade who is feeling a little jealous that peter fucking parker gets to write shit about spiderman all day and still be best friends with the guy, and maybe he breaks into peter’s house at 3am to complain about how not fair it is

peter parker, even though wade woke him up at 3am to bitch, is pretty nice, he makes wade some hot chocolate and listens to his problems, and in the end wade apologizes, peter finds a wad of cash in his mailbox the next day with a note saying sorry for breaking your window

whenever wade has problems with spidey, whether he can’t figure out what the guy is thinking, or when he’s pretty sure he messed everything up, or when he’s fairly certain he’s in love, he goes to peter with a take out peace offering and spills his guts, peter’s starting to feel bad about lying to wade for so long, what’s the point of hiding his identity if he sees wade while he’s spiderman and peter parker


	1186. Chapter 1186

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Can we get more of the wade being upset that peter shit talks Spidey in the bugle but then eventually befriends peter?"

on pain of death, peter is never going to let wade find out he’s spiderman, it’s been too long, at this point he just can’t face the awkward apologies and potentially losing wade as his friend, and after everything he really doesn’t want to lose wade

wade has his suspicions about peter, the guy disappears a lot, like a lot a lot, sometimes he’ll be gone all night, but when wade asks, peter just comes up with a bullshit excuse, some of his excuses wade’s checked out, and they’re always lies, peter’s gotta be up to some shady shit, the only question is what kind, he definitely doesn’t live in a drug dealer’s apartment, it’s more likely he owes somebody, big time, and wouldn’t he be so happy if wade were to solve it for him

peter is one tricky son of a bitch, wade’s tried tailing him, slipping trackers into his things, and straight up stalking, it’s almost like they’re playing a game, because peter never mentions the trackers he sticks to cars to throw him off, or the fact that he’s always walking in circles to lose wade, or even when he leaves coffee on open window sills for wade when peter knows he’s there

wade’s current theories are that peter’s an alien, peter’s a retired spy, or that peter’s secretly a prostitute, he’s ruled the alien one out since shield doesn’t have a file on him, and he really can’t imagine peter being a spy, he once watched peter wake up late and put a shirt on over his shirt, and not realize until he got to work

wade wasn’t getting anywhere, so he decided to change tactics, namely threatening people peter knew for information, peter called wade to yell at him for that, and it wasn’t even worth it, nobody knew anything, except the redhead that pulled a taser on him and cryptically said “if he wants you to know then he’ll tell you”


	1187. Chapter 1187

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "could we get a third part of the wade being angry at peter for talking bad about spidey and eventually befriending him, where wade actually finds out peter is spidey? please? because i love this idea so much!"

the guilt is suffocating, mj keeps high key judging peter because she knows, she knows wade’s butthurt about peter having secrets and peter’s breaking at the seams wanting to tell wade, but like wade has said to peter’s face that spiderman has a nice ass, and peter seriously can’t deal with wade knowing that he knows all the shit he’s said about spiderman, peter’s a little scared that wade would just up and disappear if he told the truth now

well, in the end peter didn’t get a choice in the matter, he was out with wade, trying to get some action shots of the latest big bad because he is a photographer after all, wade was dodging electric whips and yelling at peter to get his good side, a normal thursday afternoon by all accounts

and then everything went wrong, wade wasn’t paying enough attention and everything seemed to slow down as peter saw the cord wrapping around wade’s neck, peter moved without thinking, he dropped his camera and grabbed onto the cord just as electricity cracked through the whip, wade couldn’t scream but peter sure as hell did as he pushed through the pain and ripped the thing in half to get it off wade’s neck

peter’s camera got smashed

after making sure peter wasn’t dying wade let him have it, yelled at him about everything under the sun, the talks, the advice, the job, the lies, that time he made wade carry him up eight flights of stairs because he “hurt his ankle”, realizing mj knew, not telling him sooner, and peter throwing his dumbass life on the line just because wade was gonna get fried

they ended up arguing about who was more self sacrificing than who, honestly peter was a little relieved that wade had more to yell at him about, because that meant he wasn’t going to leave yet

wade has a lot to say about peter slandering himself for a paycheck, he told peter they were gonna talk about it tonight over dinner, peter, even though wade was still mad at him, couldn’t keep the smile off his face, wade wasn’t going anywhere


	1188. Chapter 1188

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok but like wade giving peter a huge ass hickey and Tony just being like ಠ_ಠ"

so peter parker, SI intern and friend of the avengers, comes into work one day with a huge hickey on the back of his neck, which he obviously didn’t notice when he got dressed that morning, because it’s just out there

stark gives him a whistle and asks if he finally got a girlfriend, peter likes to keep his private life private, thank you, so he’s got the avengers hounding him for details, they’re so proud of peter for finally getting laid and he gets flustered so easy when they tease him

they finally get him to admit it’s a super so he’d rather stay discrete, the avengers have a betting pool for who they think it is, spiderman is close to the top of the list, nobody guessed wade

the beans get spilled when wade came one day in civvies to drop off something peter forgot at his house, of course jarvis matches wade with his alter ego right away, the avengers are just so confused when it’s not spidey, it just made more sense, same part of town, have a long standing history, hell peter was the guy’s personal photographer for a while, or at least the best at getting pictures of spiderman

clint’s talking nat down from an existential crisis, this is what she does for a living, she shouldn’t have been wrong, the avengers have to spend the next few months pretending they don’t know who peter is dating, it’s tony who slips up when after a three day sleepless work binge, he forgets that he’s not supposed to know and tells peter to tell his boyfriend to stop spray painting dicks on his jets


	1189. Chapter 1189

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, homophobia, bullying, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could I please get a high school au where Wade’s big and scary and a total bully and then he finds Peter getting beaten up by Flash or something?? Ty❤️❤️"

wade’s already got scars and a mean look, that and the fact that he’s already been kicked out of three schools for beating other kids up makes everybody avoid him like the plague, but wade’s not your stereotypical bully, he only goes after bullies, he’s like an anti bully

wade’s just been transferred, and peter has to sit next to the guy in his english lit class, peter is absolutely terrified and trying very hard to not get wade’s attention, he’s already got enough problems to deal with

one of those problems is named flash, and peter’s trying to avoid him today because flash always tries to get a last hit in every friday, flash caught him trying to sneak out of the art room after everybody else left, flash punched peter in the gut so hard that he spilled his lunch all over the floor

peter was surprised to see flash go down, landing in the puddle of vomit, until he looked up to see wade with a foot on flash’s back, keeping him on the floor, flash screamed and shouted, peter grabbed wade’s hand and took off when the art teacher’s door started to open

peter said thanks and they didn’t really talk much until peter had to turn a different way to get home, peter asked may if she could make cookies for his friend, peter didn’t have too many friends so she made two different types of cookies and sent peter on his way come monday

after friday, wade couldn’t shake peter no matter what he tried, but peter wasn’t that annoying, so wade just kind of accepted his fate

peter was actually kind of fun, he was a computer geek so he was always fixing wade’s porn viruses and showing wade how to torrent things, wade was still coming back around from his middle school pokemon shame so when he saw peter’s pokemon card collection he immediately started to geek out, peter’s a stickler for the rules so he had to teach wade how to actually play the card game and not whatever he was doing before

after they became friends, wade started noticing something, peter had stopped looking for him when they were at school, and he wasn’t calling, and he didn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria anymore, and wade couldn’t figure out why, he’d thought they were actually friends now

he finds the answer when he’s walking with peter down the hallway, flash shouts out something stupid at them, how wade had better be careful because peter’s gay, and then it all clicks in wade’s head and he turns to peter and asks him out right then and there, peter says yes


	1190. Chapter 1190

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, drugs, bullying, high school au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Continuation of the bully au?? What does wade do??"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “AHHHHHH YOUR BULLY AU IS SO GOOD!!!! PLZ DO MORE”

peter and wade are dumbass boyfriends that sneak off during peter’s lunch time to go make out behind the school, when peter takes home ec. wade keeps sneaking in to see if there’s anything he can eat, also to hang out with his boyfriend, the home ec. teacher really doesn’t give a shit and constantly has jurassic park playing in the background

flash keeps trying to catch peter alone so he can give peter some payback for earlier, mostly because he can’t beat wade in a fight, but also because he wants to take it out on peter

wade takes great joy in getting his pda on with peter when flash is around, he’s never had a boyfriend he could rub in somebody’s face before, it’s great, wade’s just looking for a reason to kick flash’s ass again, especially after everything peter told him

wade once accidentally brought his parents’ weed brownies to school and shared them with peter, luckily peter only had one, wade however was stoned out of his goddamn mind, peter had to hide him in the extra art room that everybody uses for storage, wade could barely talk, peter kept rambling on about everything that popped into his head while wade tried his hardest to listen, the whole experience put the both of them off drugs for a good long time


	1191. Chapter 1191

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, detroit: become human, android au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [eeirien](http://eeirien.tumblr.com/), "idk if you know about the “Detroit: Become Human” game but i’m obsessed with it and i reeeeally want to see spideypool in this au!
> 
> so in case you don’t know the plot is basically “futuristic future where we have androids working for humans and some of them starts ‘malfunctioning’ and start emulating feelings like humans”.
> 
> as far as i’m in the gameplay i noticed most of the cases that these androids that become ‘divergents’, as they call it, kind off rebels over abusive owners, so they break their programming to defend themselves and/or humans they get attached to. they have these more advanced androids (programmed to not rebel or smth) that work with the police to catch these divergents droids and stuff (but i’m guessing that at some point these droids are also “rebel”/ catch feelings lol idk but i’m basing it of my guess that Connor will also catch feelings further on the gameplay but i’m really not sure).
> 
> SO ANYWAYS imagine Wade is one of these droids that rebelled against an abusive owner to save himself and Ellie, he may or may not have killed the guy, and is on the run with Ellie to somewhere safe and to hide until everything settles and ppl forgotten about his case.
> 
> (hello Kara yes i love your storyline but Connor is my ultimate crush on this game so here it comes)
> 
> So, is Peter another updated and advanced tech droid that works with the police to catch divergent droids working on Wade’s case and on the look out for him? or is he an human cop working on these tipes of cases? or is he another divergent himself? or just an human passerby that is not against androids, but also not completely in favor of androids, that took pitty and decided to help just because of the little girl?
> 
> this game gives us players so many choices and so many endings to most of them so i diceded to give lots of them too lol i hope this prompt is not too hard on you. i’ll never get tired to say that i love you and your blog ✨💕✨💕
> 
> update for the “Detroit: Become Human” au: yes, Connor, the android built up for not becoming a divergent, does end up catching feelings and emulating emotions (and is officially my preshous baby i love him so much ajdkskckskdks so yeah, i guess every android becomes aware and starts emulating emotions and self-consciousness and freedom of choice at some point of their life on the game plot so yeah and yes it includes love, affection, desire?? i guess, so… yeah) "

peter was an AI programmer at cyberlife, that is until he ran into ellie and wade, ellie saw his bag of android parts and asked him for help, her android was shutting down in an alley, so peter helped fix it a little bit, at least enough to get him walking to a repair shop on his own, but then he asked ellie some questions and found out she’s on her own out here and wasn’t going back home or to the police, so peter, he’s not gonna leave a kid wandering around on her own, even if she did somehow get her hands on a military grade android, not that it was much use when it’s that broken

so peter half drags her android to his apartment and gets to work, he’s got a shit ton of android parts since sometimes he brings his work home just to make sure he’s worked out all the kinks, ellie eats half the food in the fridge and peter finds himself wondering when the last time she ate was

peter doesn’t have the right parts for a an SQ800 android, so he can’t fix any of the cosmetic problems, the artificial skin is just fucked to hell and back, looks like it’s just simulating scars over and over again, but peter got the android working again after replacing a few parts and getting more blue blood in him, and peter knew exactly when it started working because he found himself face down on the floor with a gun to his head until ellie vouched for peter

this is why peter works with service androids, they’re not fucking designed to kill people, ellie wouldn’t give him anything when he asked her where she got wade, wade hovered by ellie like a massive shadow, always watching peter, it was unnerving

ellie stayed the night and peter finally took that day off he’d been meaning to use, but when he tried to talk with ellie about the police or calling someone, wade kept telling him that they weren’t going to do that, there was something off about wade

peter wouldn’t let them just leave, so wade and ellie finally give him an address, and he says he’ll take them there, and he has a car so they don’t argue, except on the way a cop car tries to pull them over, wade slams his hands on the control panel and hacks the automated system so they won’t pull over

peter’s flipping shit, he’s never broken the law before, and he’s just now realizing wade is a deviant, wade’s taking control of the car and ellie keeps screaming at them to go faster and peter’s screaming just in general, they’re in a full blown police chase by the time wade just rips peter out of his seat and throws him in the back with ellie because he tried grabbing wade’s arm, somehow he does this all without crashing the car

wade knows how to drive like his life depends on it, they get away from the police cars but just barely, they end up a state over by the time wade finally stops, wade grabs him before he can run though, peter demands to know wade’s objective, because he’s a programmer, and he knows that the deviants always manage to change their base objective somehow, and maybe that will help him somehow, but wade just smiles and tells peter his objective is whatever it needs to be, and that throws peter a bit because that doesn’t make sense

wade steals peter’s wallet and has ellie go into the nearest gas station for supplies, wade tells her, “remember sweetheart, look cute and play dumb”, after ellie leaves peter asks wade where he learned that, military androids weren’t programmed with human interaction in mind, wade looks at him like he’s a fucking moron and reminds peter that he’s got the internet beamed directly into his head

ellie threatened to throw peter in the trunk if he didn’t shut up about his job already, so peter spent several days pouting and thinking about all the fucking money he wasted at college getting that job in the first place, he’s allowed to be bitter, he’s being kidnapped at gunpoint

peter is still peter, so as much as he wants to hate wade, he’s honestly fascinated by his and ellie’s relationship, he’s never seen anything like it, sometimes service droids would act out when removed from their owners, he knew that, but this was an android made to kill and take orders, and here he is driving a car across the country with a little girl and singing songs with his broken voice just to make her smile, it was… empathy, or at least a very good imitation of it

peter had gotten bored and started asking wade questions late at night when ellie was sleeping, he pestered wade into revealing a little about himself, wade didn’t remember much of his time in the military, he was probably wiped and deactivated, secondhand android seller found him in the garbage and decided he was worth a few bucks, did something to his head since his system’s been a bit fucky ever since, but he ended up at some seedy bar as a bouncer of sorts, which is where he met ellie

peter was about to say something, so wade told him to shut up and just listen, ellie lived in the neighborhood, but her mom wasn’t home a lot, so she just roamed when she felt like it, she liked talking to wade, so she came by a lot when he was there just to sit outside and talk, she was lonely, and then one night she came crying her eyes out, her mom died and she didn’t want anybody to know, she just didn’t want to be alone, and you know what, neither did i, so we left

huh, said peter, just like that, no big moment of stress or realization or near death, just a kid, so peter asked if wade knew what got him deactivated in the first place, wade guessed it was either he broke or maybe it was because he didn’t like killing, which had peter laughing, because that’s like the one thing you’re designed to do, and then peter thought about it for a bit, and asked if that’s the only reason he’s not dead in a ditch somewhere, wade, the ass, just smiled and kept driving

eventually the car breaks down with the way wade’s been running it nonstop, wade gives peter back his wallet, much lighter than it was before, and tells him to go home, but they’re in the middle of nowhere, and a kid and a deviant android weren’t going to make it very far, not looking like they were, peter groaned because he really did want to go home, and he was most definitely going to lose his job, but he couldn’t just leave them here, so he grabs their shit out of the car and starts walking with them to the nearest town

when wade and ellie question it, peter just says they’re not going to last a week on their own, and it’s going to be far less suspicious if peter’s using his own id to rent a car, ellie takes offence to peter saying they wouldn’t make it on their own, and wade asks peter why he’s doing this, peter just says he can’t just leave a kid alone in the middle of nowhere

peter gets to sit in the front now because he paid for the damn thing and wade owes it to him for the whole kidnapping debacle, once they were all settled in, peter started the car and asked where to, which is when peter realized neither ellie nor wade had any clue what they were doing, so he let out a long suffering sigh and started driving, all he said was I know a guy

the guy turned out to be somebody peter knew from high school that flunked out of college to sell illegal modified androids and other things, peter tried not to think about how much it was going to cost to get papers for wade and ellie, much less get wade repaired

peter waked into the bar and found weasel, who immediately started laughing at him for “shacking up with a robot”, peter remembered why they didn’t get along in high school, it took a few weeks for weasel to get ahold of all the parts needed to fix wade up, and to get all the papers they needed, weasel said he’d cut peter a deal if peter were to hand over some new cyber life tech that hasn’t hit the markets yet

peter was already risking his career by helping wade and ellie, he didn’t need to risk his life too by screwing over cyber life

peter got them a hotel room, he spent half the time trying to think up good excuses that would get the police off his back when he goes home, and the other half bickering with weasel over rebuilding parts of wade, weasel kept trying to weasel out of doing thing the standard way in favor of the cheap way, which peter wasn’t having any of because he knows exactly when that part is going to give out if you install it like that, although he did have a few programming tricks up his sleeve that peter would never admit to being impressed by

peter started to notice something off in wade’s core programing, like sometimes wade would talk to himself or try to touch thin air, he always did it when he thought nobody was watching him, but peter had seen it, and he finally asked wade about it, wade admitted that he’s been off ever since being reactivated, seeing and hearing things that might be memories, can’t keep anything in his memory banks more than a few weeks, those kinds of problems

so peter convinces wade to let him have a look, and since he’s still peter, he dives straight into wade’s programming to see what wade’s active objectives are, it’s honestly a mess, back and forth and crisscrossing, different thing jumping to the front of the line, constantly changing, like wade was… thinking, out of curiosity peter accessed wade’s memory, everything he thought he knew was wrong, he couldn’t go back to cyber life anymore, androids were essentially alive, if wade was anything to go by, peter did find that coding error eventually, but he couldn’t look at wade like a robot anymore

peter came back to weasel with everything he had in his apartment, and asked for another set of papers, canada was supposed to be nice this time of year


	1192. Chapter 1192

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Genderfluid venom likes to wear classy black dresses sometimes. Wade sees Peter in a lacy black little number paired with some cute heels and is smitten"

so peter’s just enjoying his one day off a year, when he doesn’t have too much homework to take care of, has a day off from his job, and there’s enough heroes in town that he can take an actual day to himself instead of swinging around new york getting his ass kicked

venom’s been on a dress binge lately and peter’s just glad they got past the platform heels phase, peter and venom are just wandering around, enjoying themselves for once, which is of course why they get caught in the middle of a robot shootout

peter’s about to run away and change when none other than wade wilson appears out of nowhere, and whisks peter away from danger, flirting while shooting robots in the head, and peter can’t help himself, he flirts back because he’s mildly panicking and venom thinks it’s funny

the ominous clouds that rolled in just in time for a dramatic fight had peter shivering, so wade stole some guy’s jacket and offered it to peter, there was a wallet in the pocket still

wade makes a point of stopping to talk every time he sees peter on the streets, and one time he runs into peter when he’s got his own dress on, he says something about getting rescued by spiderman and peter finds himself already running after wade to try and stop him before he gets himself into any real trouble


	1193. Chapter 1193

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, circus au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ask from anonymous reading, “Can we have contortionist Peter meeting Wade, who can’t even touch his toes?? Ty❤️”"
> 
> Ask from [](), "I went to the circus and now I can’t stop picturing a contortionist peter? (Stage name spider or smt) Its county fair week and wade decides to go see the circus bc they’re weird just like him, and then peter comes out n does some crazy stuff with hula hoops and wade chokes on his popcorn bc goddamn he looks cute in that spandex and oH MY GOD HIS BUTT n after the show wade sneaks around the back claiming he has a “vip pass to see spidey” when it’s really just a crudely drawn picture on a napkin"

wade really likes doing all the fun stuff he missed out on as a kid like amusement parks, going trick or treating, threatening rich people with bodily harm if they don’t fork over the candy because fuck you i’m never too old for this, and of course the circus

it’s no cirque du soleil sure, but there’s a circus tent at the fair and you can bet your ass wade’s gonna be there, it smells like elephant shit and wade doesn’t even like peanuts but that’s all part of the atmosphere

clowns, acrobatics on horseback, elephants balancing on elephants, fire breathing, the wheel of death, juggling chainsaws, and last but not least, the contortionist

his stage name is the spider and wade’s mesmerized from the moment peter steps on stage, the part where he bent over backwards and scuttled around with his head looking through his legs was insane, and also mildly horrifying, he also did this thing where he bent one leg around his head on the floor and stuck the other one straight up in the air, he could basically fold himself in half and then some

wade absolutely chokes in the middle of peter’s performance, which is very loud in the near silent tent, he really can’t get that ass out of his head, so after the show was over, wade scribbled “vip pass to see spidey” on a napkin and tried walking backstage

he got caught of course, the baffled security guard told him they don’t have vip passes and they can just go ask the spider if he wants to talk to wade, which he did, wade gushed at peter, which made peter embarrassed

wade’s not so subtly flirting real hard, he bends down to show peter he can touch his toes, and peter bends backwards to touch his heels, wade might have forgotten real words for a minute there

peter ended up giving wade his number, telling him to call before they have to leave town, wade calls as soon as he leaves the tent

 

also just peter doing a handstand on wade’s shoulders and doing leg stretches to show off, and wade standing still as a statue because he doesn’t wanna mess peter up


	1194. Chapter 1194

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, circus au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [gaberonimaceroni](https://gaberonimaceroni.tumblr.com/), "Hello love can you continue the circus au I asked for? I loved it you did so good!"

peter and wade end up in a long distance relationship, which has never worked out for wade before, but with peter it works this time

may adds wade on face book and they end up having lunch together sometimes, peter thinks it’s the end of the world because may loves talking about peter and embarrassing him

next year when the circus comes back to town wade goes all out and makes glitter covered cardboard signs with “I <3 SPIDEY” that he brings with him, security takes them away, but it’s the thought that counts

wade and the knife thrower once challenged each other, and wade was impressed when he lost, but he did impress peter’s coworkers when he started juggling knives and pulled the one he missed out of his shoulder like it was nothing, wade also visits the elephants when he has time, they pat him on the head and peter shows him how to feed them, they’re great, everything’s great, peter’s super great

wade absolutely has dropped everything and flown halfway across the country to surprise peter with a romantic weekend, peter keeps telling wade to stop wasting money on him, but wade argues back he’s gotta waste it on something, so it may as well be the best thing in his life


	1195. Chapter 1195

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok so peter being cold but not admitting it so wade gives him his hoodie and peter complains that its to big on him and he doesn't have to do that but like a week later peter won't take it off"

peter’s over at wade’s place, and the radiator is broken of course, peter keeps complaining that it’s too cold so wade throws one of his hoodies at him, it’s way too big and super warm and comfy, and because this is peter he can’t just say thank you

after wade fell asleep, peter ran off with the hoodie, he keeps telling himself that he’s gonna return it after he washes it, but it’s been a week already and he’s basically living in it

eventually he forgets it’s wade’s hoodie and wears it to wade’s place, wade recognizes it at once and peter tries to convince wade it’s a different hoodie, he does finally give it back, but he steals another one of wade’s hoodies in retaliation, peter won’t admit it but smushing his face in wade’s hoodie really helps his anxiety, so now he keeps stealing wade’s hoodies when he visits


	1196. Chapter 1196

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "After they became close friends, Peter becomes much less subtle about Wade and how much he adores him. ”CAN WE TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THAT WADE FREAKING WILSON-“ “Petey-pie, I know that you love me but we’re in pub-“ “IS A TOTAL CINNAMON ROLL WHO IS JUST THE SOFTEST MOST CARING PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE.” Or he has like tshirts saying “BREATHE IF YOU LOVE WADE WILSON” “DEADPOOL IS MY HERO” He’s just so aggresive.They’re not even dating but Wade hasn’t felt this loved since never. He’s touched."

listen peter loves his friends so much, when he finds out about wade’s self image issues and the way most people treat him, peter decides fuck that, i’m going to personally fist fight wade’s insecurities

when peter gets drunk his brain to mouth filter disappears and peter gets real worried about wade when he’s around, he clings to wade and keeps telling wade that he’s peter’s favorite person, and that he’s so cool and amazing and peter doesn’t even mind that sometimes people think wade is spiderman, one time he whispered to wade that he knows wade goes easy on the people that think he’s spiderman, because he doesn’t want to give peter a bad rep, wade didn’t know peter knew about that

peter absolutely owns a collection of deadpool themed shirts he pointedly wears around the avengers after they tried to tell him to leave wade alone, peter’s just that passive aggressive, wade can’t keep the grin off his face when he sees peter got a new shirt

peter absolutely has a little deadpool action figure he found online with karate chop action and a little removable sword, wade tried to buy it from him and peter said fuck you i’m getting buried with it


	1197. Chapter 1197

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, canon au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Have you been keeping tabs on deadpool vs Spider-Man comics????? Cause issue #31 has an insane ending and I’d love for you to continue the storyline from there (where spideypool ends up happening) pls"

so i gotta fix some things first, obviously if they square off against the whole marvel cast everybody’s gonna die, so time to regroup and travel back to the past to stop all this bullshit from happening in the first place

silk infiltrates shield in order to set up the lmd program to fail, and to add a kill switch to the original plans, just to make their lives easier in the future

along the way chameleon gets a good kick in the balls, i just think he deserves it

bruce and deborah get sort of married, wade officiates, there’s a surprisingly heartfelt speech about love and commitment given by hellcow, what happens after i now pronounce you mutated shark husband and mutated shark wife makes everyone present wildly uncomfortable

they whip up some fun emp guns before they go back to the future and wreak havoc on the lmds, the streets are littered with the bodies of lmds, some people steal the heads of their favorite supers

mary and richard parker were lmds so they get destroyed along with all the others

with the end of this mess, peter and wade’s teams immediately turn on each other, peter and wade get separated from the others somewhere along the way and end up fighting on a rooftop, beautiful sunset in the background, peter webs wade’s feet down, and wade shoots peter’s webshooter, which explodes and traps them together

they’ve got nothing but time stuck on the rooftop together, and peter finally gets to learn what happened in area 14, things get a little too real as peter tells wade he doesn’t really want to drag him to jail, and that it’s not too late to turn things around, it never is

of course that’s too much feeling to deal with so by this time the webs have started to wear down, wade looses a couple fingers ripping himself free, and shatters his legs jumping off the roof to get a head start, he gets away this time, and the next, and the next, if we’re being honest here peter’s not really trying

silk takes up bruce and deborah up on that neflix binge offer and gets into stranger things, they become unlikely friends


	1198. Chapter 1198

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if one day, like as a prank or something, wade thinks it’d be funny if he used spider pheromones (that he obviously found on the dark web) as cologne and he goes up to peter and peter just immediately can’t stop smelling him and he won’t let go of dp and he can’t help it and wade is laughing his ass off at peter and peter is just like so out of it"

so wade thinks it would be funny to douse himself in spider pheromones and see what happens, because obviously this is a great idea

wade hunts down spidey and waits, peter asks wade if he smells that, wade says no, and peter slowly finds himself standing closer and closer to wade, he just smells so.. so good

in no time at all peter’s out of his mind and leaning on wade, wade’s shoulder feels great, wade is great, everything is great, peter starts unconsciously sticking to wade, wade cannot move, peter is way heaver than he looks and he is very stuck to wade

wade keeps trying to ask peter to move so he can get up, but peter’s not really listening since he kinda just hums in agreement and never moves, wade was stuck snuggling on a roof with a zoned out peter all night

peter had one hell of a headache in the morning, wade had to take him home because he was just laying on the floor and groaning, wade decided this was not at all like giving a cat catnip and decided not to use the rest of the spider pheromones, but on the bright side he knows that his theory about peter having a massive spider for a parent is 5x more likely since it actually worked


	1199. Chapter 1199

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade get married while drunk and neither of them remember until it shows up on Peter’s biannual background check that Tony does"

they don’t get drunk so much as set off an old chemical trap at an abandoned hydra facility they were investigating and since it can’t kill either of them, they just get very very inebriated, neither of them remember that day so they pretend it just didn’t happen

so when tony does his biannual background check, he gets a nice big alert popping up on his screen next to peter and wade’s marriage certificate, honestly tony’s mostly mad because apparently he’s not close enough to peter to have been invited, or like told anything

he tries dropping hints that he knows around peter for weeks, peter doesn’t pick up on it, tony finally just says what the hell and angry asks peter why he didn’t get a wedding invite, and peter just gives him this long blank stare, like he’s the idiot here

so peter has to go through a mild crisis and tony has to apologize, and peter has to team up with wade to investigate what happened the night of the marriage, so they could track down the missing marriage certificate

through the investigation, they learn they did some stupid shit that night, and end up realizing they actually don’t want a divorce, they don’t find the certificate and both secretly are relieved

peter finds the certificate folded up in his jeans when he’s doing laundry, so he throws it in the washing machine and lets it disappear


	1200. Chapter 1200

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "The Avengers finding out that Peter and Wade are dating because they were flirting on the job"

wade flirting with peter parker, stark’s favorite intern, peter and wade disappearing together for lunch, wade drawing hearts on all the papers he has to turn in to peter, wade showing off all his fun new gadgets to peter, peter not so secretly making wade rocket shoes on his off time in the lab, wade and peter getting caught on the roof trying to test out wade’s new rocket shoes

honestly the avengers have their suspicions, they had to be dating for peter to put up with him that much, but what really cemented it for each of them was different

for natasha it was walking in on peter and wade heavily making out, she walks quietly and they just didn’t notice her

for bruce it was when wade came to drop off food for peter when he was stuck late at the lab, it was from peter’s favorite pizza place on the other side of town

for tony it was the fact that jarvis always let wade into the lab without question when peter was there

for rhodey it was tony complaining about it

and for the rest of them, it was when peter proposed to wade in the common rooms


	1201. Chapter 1201

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [auriel-tenshi](https://auriel-tenshi.tumblr.com/), "If you could do something with venom refusing to cooperate with Peter and how it affects wade and Pete's relationship I would love you forever"

venom has… a strong personality, peter has a stubborn personality, it doesn’t go so well when they both have to share the same body, peter feels especially mad about it because it’s his goddamn body in the first place, venom’s mad because they had to pick the one host that can fight back and win most of the time

peter and venom are just very different people, they don’t like the same things, wants the same things, they don’t even like each other that much, but peter made a promise and he’s going to keep it because above all else, he doesn’t want to be a killer, even if that means sharing the rest of his life with venom just to keep them alive

it becomes a real problem when peter starts dating wade, venom fights peter when peter tries to make changes to their schedule for wade, they have a schedule so they know who’s turn it is with the body, and venom doesn’t like giving up their time for peter to see his boyfriend

peter also insists on keeping venom a secret from wade, which venom also doesn’t like, because venom is a part of peter, and peter’s not even willing to let them meet his boyfriend, venom doesn’t like being left out of things

venom bides their time and waits until peter is compromised, after a day he had an anxiety attack and gotten beaten up as spiderman several times, peter was barely standing by the time he made it to wade’s place, it was easy for venom to get out, they tried to pretend to be peter and immediately fucked it up, making wade threaten to kill them if they didn’t say where peter was

it’s a good thing venom is faster than wade, because it takes a bit of explaining to get it all out in the open, and wade didn’t want to listen, wade still had a hard time wrapping his head around it, but he was mostly just disappointed that he wasn’t going to see peter tonight

peter is livid when he finds out what venom did, peter and venom fight so much peter ends up sick in bed for a week, venom still won’t apologize and peter won’t budge

wade finds himself being the adult more now, he has to sit down with peter and venom and talk them through a compromise, which is hilarious because he has never been the responsible one in any relationship ever, wade’s taken to bribing venom for alone time with peter, it’s the only thing that consistently works, venom also keeps trying to sneak into wade and peter’s dates because it always looks fun and venom gets bored and jealous easy


	1202. Chapter 1202

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, pole dancer au, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter becoming a pole dancer for money cause he’s broke and he already does it for Wade + the Avengers finding out about his job"

it all started when wade put the idea into peter’s head, well it actually started when wade bought a pole without telling peter because he thought peter would be good at it, and peter obliged because he can’t say no to wade, it took a lot of practice to actually figure out what he was doing, but pretty soon peter was a natural

wade mentioned off hand that peter could do this for money, and it stuck in peter’s head, because he really did need the money, and if wade had been serious, then maybe he could actually do it

wade drops by where peter works all the time, peter keeps telling him that he doesn’t need to pay for lap dances, they live together, but wade just keeps coming back

clint walks in by chance on day and sees wade getting a lap dance and immediately thinks holy shit does spiderman know about this, but the he hears wade using spiderman’s nick names and he puts two and two together

the avengers end up visiting, usually not all at once though, mostly because they can’t believe spiderman’s a pole dancer, peter thinks the avengers are watching wade because they think he might be cheating on spiderman

peter realizes he’s been found out when he’s dancing and the black widow is sitting right goddamn there, waiting for him to finish with a knowing smirk on her face, at least she tips well


	1203. Chapter 1203

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, waiter au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Could you do something with peter being a waiter at a 24 hr diner and wade always comes in at odd times like 4 in the morning and peter's pretty sure that's blood on his suit, but it's red and he's not about to ask. One day wade comes in and he's had a terrible horrible no good very bad day but hey at least the cute waiter is being friendly???"

peter works odd hours because it makes his life easier, sometimes working the early morning shift is goddamn weird, you get all sorts of strange people coming in, wade wasn’t even the weirdest honestly

wade’s got a super suit and enough weapons to arm a small militia, and half the time he leaves splotches of blood on the seats that peter has to sanitize, but he really doesn’t get paid enough to do anything about it, in fact wade is a pretty great tipper, sometimes if he’s in a good mood he’ll leave a stack of bills on the table for peter, so peter’s got no reason to be anything but polite

but sometimes wade comes in and he doesn’t talk as much, he spends a long time staring at his food, sometimes it’s cold before he eats it

well today wade came in close to 4am and just slumped over in his seat with his face on the table, peter, against his better judgement, did something he never does, he asked wade if he was alright

that threw wade off because nobody asks that, but he sat up and said he was fine, just a long day, it’s four am so nobody’s here except wade, so after peter took wade’s order, he sat down in the booth across from wade and just started talking to him, about the weird regulars and the time somebody dropped a bag of ketchup in the kitchen and it exploded over literally everything, and the time a little kid tried to pay for their family’s meal with three whole dollars while their parents tried very hard not to laugh

peter brought wade a slice of fresh apple pie “on the house” just because, and wade told him he was a goddamn angel

when wade left, peter picked up the nearly 10,000$ in cash wade had left on the table and his heart dropped to his feet, he chased wade down the street to return his money, because who in the hell tips 10k

peter tried very hard to return it, but wade took the money and threw it in the nearest trash can, which nearly made peter scream

so now whenever wade comes into the dinner, peter passive aggressively tries to get him to take a free meal and stop tipping him, but wade’s an asshole so if peter won’t take his money, he’ll talk another waiter into taking his money, it’s driving peter mad

one day when wade came in looking tired again, peter looked especially ticked off, he took wade’s order but when he brought the food, he brought an extra plate and glass of water, ripped off his apron, and angrily told wade he was taking his break now, it was fun

when wade tried to pay, peter told him to shut up, they’re on a date and peter’s paying, wade was so shocked that he didn’t stop peter in time, so now every time wade goes to the dinner, peter sits down with him to chat

peter’s only let him pay once since they started this, and that was just so he could write his number on wade’s receipt


	1204. Chapter 1204

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, lady deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Before Peter and Wanda met, Peter was experiencing ton of shit from May's sickness, Ben's death, and a recent rough break up with Gwen. Things had gotten so bad, that Peter couldn't be Spider-Man any more. Just when a crazy merc and a rogue alien spelled chaos, Wanda had the opposite effect on venom. Venom was actually more tame when they bonded to Wanda and decided not to give more trouble than she needed. Soon enough Wanda rejected the symbiote, in hopes that venom will be in better hands.  
> Prologue pt. 2. Wanda went back to normal, after dropping venom off at pym labs. Peter, who was still in his woes comes into contact with the symbiote in the midst of a fight. Everything mainly stays the same, except that venom notices peter’s depression. One night venom knocks him out, and brings him back home, to fully analyze their host. Peter subconsciously begins to recover as venom starts treating him with Wanda’s memories. Sooner or later, Peter begins to recover and keeps venom.  
> Prologue pt. 3 Peter, is now himself with the help of anti depressants and venom. He begins to even feel more confident. That is until he finally meets Lady deadpool. She doesn’t seem to recognize venom, but actually begins to flirt with the web slinger about his costume change. Peter is flustered and kinda gets distracted, however he tries his best to get her to stop flirting so he could focus. Wanda takes that as playing hard to get, and hangs out with him more often."

so peter’s been through a hell of a lot lately, and having venom around to support him and lean him in the right direction, even if it was filled with angsty revenge rants about lady deadpool because venom now has abandonment issues, really helped him out of a bad place

peter’s just trying to get back into the swing of things, pun absolutely intended, which is when he finally meets the very lady deadpool he’s heard so much about, like an embarrassing amount, venom used her experiences with depression to show peter he needed to get help, and it worked, and peter’s got no idea what to say to her now

he gets instantly tongue tied when she starts flirting, because that is the last thing he expected to come from this, and despite how much venom kind of wants to strangle her, peter ends up kind of liking her, even though every time she flirts with him he ends up face planting into a wall because spider senses go haywire and he honestly can’t figure out where it’s coming from when he gets embarrassed, venom’s getting real tired of this shit

peter deals with embarrassment by not reacting at all because he knows he’ll put his foot in his mouth if he tries, so wanda thinks it’s kind of a game, so she keeps getting worse and worse trying to get peter to crack

when they do finally end up getting together, venom has A Problem, venom keep getting in the way and hissing at wanda, it takes a lot of apologizing on her part and lots of chocolate after venom found out about the stuff and destroyed a see’s candies store


	1205. Chapter 1205

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter accidentally calling Wade daddy as a joke(or not) in front of the Avengers (bonus points if he says choke me harder daddy and it’s somewhat in context with what’s happening) (also I love your account ❤️❤️❤️)"

peter and wade argue constantly, the other avengers have just learned to tune them out by now, it’s like white noise, bruce has gotten to the point that he can sleep through them yelling at each other

wade and peter argue about the dumbest shit, but this time peter had done the unthinkable, ever since peter had talked wade into getting a washer and a dryer, wade had been collecting a pile of crap from the lint trap, peter’s been trying to talk him into just throwing it all away at least once in a while, it’s gross, nobody does that wade

well peter snapped and threw it all out, so wade and peter crashed through the common area, peter threw wade into a wall and wade tackled him into a couch, wade was strangling peter, but peter yelled out “choke me harder daddy”

wade fell off the couch laughing and clint stood up and shouted i called it, tony sighed and pulled out his wallet so he could give rhodey a twenty, bruce looked at tony and tony pulled out another twenty for rhodey because bruce is perpetually broke, loki was sitting in the background day drinking, like you do  



	1206. Chapter 1206

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, “Peter has some more spidery traits like hanging around in the dark corners and tight spaces or leaving his webs right there in the room where everyone always walks right in”"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, "Peter being half spider affect him in little ways that he doesn’t notice but everyone else does (or the other way around). Like how spiders can’t stand peppermint, Peter lowkey being able to snatch flies out of midair, etc."

peter doesn’t even notice he’s changed half the time, he keeps his lights off all the time, his sight is pretty good in the dark, may will walk into the room and think it’s empty because all the lights are off, just to nearly have a heart attack when peter says something out of the gloom

mj hates bubblegum flavor, so she notices when peter’s supply of peppermint gum and toothpaste disappears in favor of gross semi sweet things instead, blue sparkle is not a real flavor, toothpaste or not

peter was eating in the cafeteria once with all his friends, it was summer and one of the windows got broken when a kid punched their head through it on a dare, so there were flies everywhere, everybody at peter’s table just froze in shock when peter picked a fly out of midair and carefully place it in a napkin where he squished it, normal people can’t do that peter

peter also has a bad habit of leaving his webs laying around his room, he’s convinced may he’s going through a partial goth phase and those are just bulk spiderweb decorations he got from michaels after halloween ended, he keeps trying to cut his own hair because he keeps getting webbing bits stuck in it, it does not look good


	1207. Chapter 1207

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, dadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Venom, Wade, and Peter having “tea-time” and gossiping about everything"

venom learned it from ellie, she likes talking to venom, they’ve got opinions on earth things that she thinks is funny, she’s been laughing about venom not liking bread for weeks, apparently it’s too sticky

venom’s pulled peter and wade into their “tea-times”, wade thinks it’s sweet, peter is skeptical, but ellie likes venom so he’s not going to say no

ellie’s favorite thing is when venom gossips about peter like he’s not there, it annoys peter to no end, ellie makes chocolate milk to put in her little princess tea pot since she knows venom likes chocolate, venom really likes ellie

ellie once talked venom into redesigning the spider suit, wade couldn’t stop laughing at the sight of peter swearing at venom and trying to figure out how to move in a ballgown, ballgowns are not made for crime fighting

venom and ellie are a pair of trouble makers, sometimes wade will leave peter to watch ellie while he goes out, but when he comes back it’s to ellie and venom turning the living room into an impenetrable black webbed fortress with a big “no boys allowed” sign written in marker stuck to the outside


	1208. Chapter 1208

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, song fic, college au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "peter meets wade, possibly while carrying an absurd amount of textbooks or something equally nerdy and the stack falls on wade when they collide on the street. A summer romance blooms from that, set to the pace of daniel caesar - get you (:"
> 
> [Get You by Daniel Caesar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQFVqltOXRg)

peter hoards books, and it’s not his fault that they seem to come to him naturally, the campus library was doing inventory and getting rid of some of the books they didn’t need anymore for literally pennies, peter wasn’t going to just walk away without a pile taller than his head, he’s convinced himself if he goes slow he can make it to the dorms without dropping anything

peter is wrong, wade wasn’t paying attention and walked right into peter, who couldn’t see where he was going anyways, books went flying everywhere, wade was honestly surprised that peter had been carrying all those books by himself, he doesn’t look like he could bench a library like that

wade later says he fell in love at first sight, he lays it on thick and offers to help peter carry all his books, peter invites him in after they get to his dorm room and doesn’t let wade leave

peter’s still got summer classes, but wade works when he wants, so he clears his schedule and makes himself the best distraction peter’s ever had, wade’s lucky peter thinks it’s cute that he texts peter paragraphs in the middle of the night

wade will drop by when peter’s got a late night in the library working on his papers, partly to keep peter company, partly to mess around behind the shelves, peter usually hates late nights, but they’ve become his favorite

wade’s dyslexic, so peter and wade will sit outside under the trees while peter reads wade some of his favorite books, wade chimes in with his own commentary, usually with his head in peter’s lap, peter’s fingers always itch for his camera when wade’s got that lazy smile on his face, everything just feels perfect in the summer sun


	1209. Chapter 1209

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [i-guess-ill-die](https://i-guess-ill-die.tumblr.com/), "Jarvis being a snitch about Peter and Wade’s relationship at the most inconvenient time"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, "In one of your posts you referred to Jarvis as “a snitch” and I love that so much can you build on it?”

tony may have put in privacy protocols and whatever, because invasion of privacy and all that, but he also put in an override if the information is important enough, but “important enough” is totally up to jarvis, so anything jarvis starts thinking tony would flip to know gets brought up, tony accidentally programed jarvis to gossip

jarvis picks some odd things to show tony, the time natasha walked into a glass wall, bruce accidentally drinking motor oil, thor struggling to reach the top shelf without breaking anything, and of course peter giving wade a blowjob in tony’s workshop

this is right after peter broke up with his girlfriend, so of course tony thinks that peter’s just emotionally compromised and being reckless, but he doesn’t want peter to know that he knows, so he’s left trying to drop words of wisdom around peter that aren’t too on the nose, it does not work

tony has to watch peter and wade’s relationship develop, all while he’s still stuck on the idea that peter’s just looking for a rebound and their relationship is going to have a catastrophic ending

when peter comes out and admits to their relationship, tony resigns himself to whatever’s going to happen and tells peter to keep it out of his workshop from now on, thank you

peter goes white as a sheet and wade just starts laughing his ass off, sometimes people get too comfortable in the tower when they forget jarvis is around


	1210. Chapter 1210

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "So what if because of the bite peter is a lot more sensitive to sensory stuff like extreme cold and extreme heat and one day on a mission during the winter peter just starts to slow down while fighting then he just suddenly passes out and is unable to stop shivering and the avengers and dp help him warm back up on the quinjet"

being the world’s first spider-human is so fun, can’t get blood transplants, can’t go to a normal doctor, sometimes he sees neon lights that nobody else can see, and lately he’s started sleep walking on the ceiling, it’s always great to find out A New Thing about his spider side, especially in the middle of nowhere, at freezing temperatures, alone, with no way to call for help

peter asked the avengers to help him transport a particularly nasty villain to their not so super secret maximum security prison in the antarctic, where the cold kept the powers of some big bads at bay, except during the transport something went wrong, the prisoner got out, and the jet crash landed in the antarctic

peter had been thrown from the plane before the crash and was all alone out here, which was of course when he found out he can’t do cold anymore, like antarctic temperatures are bad to begin with, but peter realizes something’s wrong pretty fast when his limbs stop working when his brain tells them to move, he gets groggy quick, so he drags himself to a small cave in the side of a hill and gives up

spiderman isn’t first priority with an escaped criminal running amok, but everybody soon realizes peter’s the only one that hasn’t checked in, even after the villain’s been found and captured, peter still hasn’t been found, they’ve got state of the art technology on their side, but peter’s comatose state lowered his body temperature so much that he wasn’t showing up on any of the thermal radars

when wade found out he went into panic mode, he stole the first jet he could get his hands on and wandered around the antarctic by himself, he wasn’t sleeping or eating as far as the others could tell

wade stumbled upon peter’s body completely by accident, he carried peter all the ways back to the base, nobody could get peter away from him without a knife to the neck

peter woke up in the icu of some shield place he didn’t recognize, wade was snoring on a chair next to him, every fiber of his being ached like hell and he started gagging on the tubes down his throat, which woke wade up and sent him into a little panic because he didn’t want to fuck something up by accident

tony sent peter a get well present in the form of a heat lamp, it was a joke gift but peter does use it sometimes


	1211. Chapter 1211

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Deadpool and Spidey in a “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” type situation but Peter is talking about taking their masks off and Wade just wants to see spidey’s dick"

honestly it’s peter’s fault for not being more specific, what peter meant was “we’re both going to die so i want you to know who i am before then”, but what wade heard was “we’re both going to die, so why not fuck”

which leads to wade awkwardly trying to stuff himself back into his pants without taking his eyes off peter’s face, and peter getting annoyed that wade still didn’t want to take off his mask even after giving peter an eyeful of his junk


	1212. Chapter 1212

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade pretends to be a sweet goof-ball around everyone else but he’s secretly very suave and sexual Peter but Peter can’t prove it to anyone so he’s just a blushing mess all the time"

ok but listen peter didn’t even know wade could be suave until after he started flirting back, see wade didn’t crank the charm up to 11 until he realized that peter was legitimately interested in him

years of being a cocksure hot piece of ass came back full force and peter can’t prove it to anybody because wade always makes a point of turning him into a blushing mess when nobody’s looking, and goddamn he can’t take much more of this

wade’s voice does things to him, all low and gravely, and the worst thing peter ever did was let wade find out

the worst part is everybody looks at him like he’s gown a second head when he tries to complain about it, because _wade wilson_ , that guy??? are you sure??


	1213. Chapter 1213

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [masonnerd](https://masonnerd.tumblr.com/), "I’m sooooo happy your back! I’m psyched about your dog! With that said I think it be cool if you ended your hiatus on a funny note. So imagine what would happen if after Wade and Peter has dated for awhile l, Spidey also gained the ability to break the 4th wall and then we’d see how he figured it out and how everyone reacts to not one but two snarky gays who are constantly saying things that don’t make sense :)"

peter doesn’t magically gain deadpool level self awareness, but he’s around wade enough that he picks up on the rules of the game, and sometimes he’ll play along because it makes wade laugh

everybody thinks wade’s crazy is rubbing off on him, he and wade can hold entire conversations that just make no fucking sense, it’s like they’re speaking another language

peter likes hearing about his movies because wow huge ego boost, even if wade’s got some opinions about them, peter will always defend his movies, even if he’s only got part of the plot from wade

peter still calls bullshit on some things, he’s gotta draw the line somewhere, some of the alternate universes out there peter firmly believes wade is just making shit up, there’s no way spiderpig is a real thing


	1214. Chapter 1214

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter and Wade owning a roomba and they become attached to it"

it’s a high tech stark roomba because tony ended up visiting their apartment once and was absolutely horrified, remember kids, blood is a biohazard, as was whatever the hell else was staining their couch, floor, and kitchen

wade got attached to it immediately, he’d crush cereal and dump it on the floor so the roomba had something to eat, peter took a while to come around, it was just really annoying when it got stuck because it would scream until somebody helped it

but when tony offered to get them an upgrade wade and peter were offended, because even if it doesn’t always work right with bits of webbing gumming it up sometimes, it’s their roomba and they can’t just get rid of it, it’s family now


	1215. Chapter 1215

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, steven universe au

the first time they fuse it’s an accident fueled by panic and desperation, wade and peter were fighting back to back on a helicarrier, wade got thrown off the edge and peter jumped after him without a second thought, peter and wade fused when they reached for each other, both of them just wanted to save the other so bad that they made a miracle happen, they manage to just avoid slamming into the ground by using a web to pull them towards some trees where they crash landed so hard their fusion got ripped apart

they don’t fuse too often, even if they both like it, wade even more so, but when they’re up against something that’s just too much for either of them, fusion always saves the day, it’s usually peter that suggests fusing since wade doesn’t want to overstep the tentative boundaries they have and make peter uncomfortable

sometimes when peter can tell that wade’s having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, he’ll ask if wade wants to fuse before they go on patrol, those are some of wade’s favorite days

even fused peter and wade bicker like an old married couple, sometimes they get distracted from fighting because they’re arguing about something stupid or what they should be doing next, which isn’t how fusions are supposed to work, but since when have they ever been conventional


	1216. Chapter 1216

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter, being the science nerd that he is, doesn’t understand/know the modern slang and humor. Wade does but because he’s a little shit he decides to teach Peter fake slang(modeled after Darrel and Michael from The Office)"

peter doesn’t have social media, hell he never knows what’s going on aside from which villian kicked his ass last week and which of his professors is an absolute dick this semester, he could not name three celebrities if his life depended on it

wade takes full advantage of this

peter thinks bea arthur is alive and in one of the new star wars movies, he also thinks the Hamilton musical is a modern day college romance where the founding fathers sing about passing physics and getting laid

wade’s convinced peter that holding up your ring fingers is the new thumbs up, so he gets to watch peter struggle with that, and now peter thinks “pippity poppity give me the zoppity” is a real thing that real people say to each other in real life, wade broke down in a fit of giggles when he saw peter trying to threaten a bank robber with that line

at this point wade’s just trying to see how far he can go before peter finally catches on


	1217. Chapter 1217

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death, suicide, no powers au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [olivia-ivy](https://olivia-ivy.tumblr.com/), "(you do a lot of hero!Wade and civilian!Peter, so how about switching it up + angst?) Spiderman visits the childrens ward at a hospital and even though he's primarily there for the kids, Peter sometimes swings by the other wards, including the cancer wing where he flirts with a really cute (powerless) Wade while he's getting his treatments done, and he knows it's a super bad idea to fall in love with a terminal cancer patient, but he can't stop himself"

a lot of the heroes do the make a wish foundation, so it’s not unusual to see peter in local cancer wards, saying hi to kids and teens and showing off with flips and tricks, he’s always making time for things like this, even if he doesn’t always have it, sometimes he gets flown out to other parts of the country to visit kids that wanted to meet their hero, but it doesn’t happen as often

he met wade totally by accident, dropped a drawing of himself one of the kids gave him and it slipped under the nearest door, he wasn’t just going to leave it behind, so he knocked on the door and that was the beginning of the end

wade was having a shitty day, he’s in the cancer ward looking like garbage and feeling even worse because of the fucking chemo, so all of his days are shitty days now

he expected a nurse when he heard the knock, they’d been checking in on him more ever since he unplugged the bed alarm so he could try and wander without help or anybody knowing, he got found out pretty quick

what he didn’t expect was a visitor, much less fucking spiderman, the guy was awkward as fuck and it made wade laugh because this wasn’t what the thought the amazing spiderman would be like in real life

peter apologized for bothering him and picked up the drawing, but before he could slip away wade asked him to stay, and peter being peter didn’t say no

wade had to ask if he was the real deal, so peter ended up on the ceiling over wade, showing off all the drawings and crafts he’d gotten from his fans in the children’s ward, wade found himself laughing harder than he had in ages just talking to the guy

peter honestly didn’t want to go when the nurse came in and told peter visiting time was over, wade said you know where to find me, but he didn’t expect peter to show up a couple of weeks later with pizza just because wade mentioned he was dying for real food

wade ended up throwing it all back up soon after but he assured peter it was worth it, every time peter saw wade he looked worse, wade once showed him a picture of what he looked like with hair because “You shoulda seen me webs, i looked hot,” peter refused to feed his ego and just told him he could never see wade as a blond

sometimes peter forgot where they were, when it was just him and wade talking peter always felt like somebody threw cold water over him when wade started coughing so hard he could break a rib, peter didn’t like seeing him in pain, but he was a superhero, and you can’t punch the cancer outta somebody

once when peter was feeling guilty because he hadn’t been to see wade in a while, he decided that sleep was for the weak and stumbled into wade’s room in the middle of the night to say hi because it was the first time he’d had a break in two weeks, he ended up passing out snuggled up against wade, wade didn’t have the heart to wake him, so that’s how the nurse found them, cuddling under the covers in the morning, peter got an earful for breaking into the hospital

wade didn’t like talking about his cancer, peter only asked the once and wade just said it was bad, but peter started getting his hopes up when wade stopped looking like death warmed over, he started growing back a thin layer of hair on his head, that meant he was getting better, right

wade stopped chemo because it wasn’t going to cure him, just extend his life and make him feel awful, he was just so tired of not being able to do anything on his own, he missed eating junk food and getting drunk at his favorite bar, so he decided he was gonna do everything he wanted to, and then he’d go

peter may have talked the receptionist into giving him wade’s address when he found out wade had gone home, wade was expecting the lady with his takeout, so he kinda didn’t know what to say when he found spiderman on the other side of his front door, didn’t think the guy would care that he left actually

peter was giddy, wade got better, that’s why he was out of the hospital, when wade opened the door peter was so happy to see his stupid face that he wrapped him up in a hug, peter kept coming over after that, sometimes he’d sneak in through a window and scare the ever loving shit out of wade

wade kept buying plane tickets so he could go around the world, he said he had a lot to do before he kicked the bucket, peter thought he meant it as a “grab life by the balls now that it wasn’t twisting his anymore” kinda thing, wade always came back with a souvenir for peter and a crazy story about how he almost got arrested for something or other

peter had thought about his relationship with wade a lot, and he decided that he wanted to make wade a part of both of his lives, so he showed up without the suit and when wade opened the door peter told him it was probably safer that he didn’t have a costumed vigilante crawling around his house all the time

wade grabbed him right then and there on his doorstep and kissed him, and peter kissed back, wade told peter he could die happy now and peter laughed

wade had been gone for a couple of weeks now, so peter had figured he’d gone on another trip and just forgot to say, but weeks turned into months and peter stopped the landlord to ask if they’d seen wade

“nah, fucker killed himself to get outta paying rent, you looking for a place?”


	1218. Chapter 1218

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, character death, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hi, sucker for angst here. I would love you to continue the civilian!Wade/superhero!Peter AU with Peter mourning and stuff."

wade didn’t have anybody, so when peter offers to clean out wade’s apartment the landlord gives him the keys without a thought

peter boxes it all up, trying not to look at the bloodstain on the wall where wade spent his last moments, and then he took everything home

over the course of a year peter went through everything: comic books, porn, overdue bills, illegal weapons, photographs, and ratty t-shirts

it hit him pretty hard when he found a high school year book that he never got a chance to know wade as well as he wanted to, and he never would

towards the end of the boxes peter unpacked a hefty stack of unread mail and started going through that, it was mostly bills, chemo didn’t come cheap after all, there was one letter that had been torn to pieces

peter got out the tape and stuck it all back together, it was from wade’s insurance company, it said they wouldn’t pay for the chemo anymore, that wade was terminal, that he had months left to live

peter realized as his tears hit the page that wade hadn’t been getting better, and he never breathed a word about it


	1219. Chapter 1219

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [fernandothefox](https://fernandothefox.tumblr.com/), "Okokok i really love your blog and can i just,,, ok so i have a head-canon that like, if/when a police officer/firefighter/rando-citizen/whatever helps peter out, he like, sneaks into the hospital and leaves like a card or flowers or whatever, and the cards have like a paragraph of like gratitude thanking the person for helping them and shit... and just yeah, and at first ppl are like “fake news” but then a reporter is like “mr.spider sir, do u write cards for the ppl who help you??” And he just is like “um yeah i do,,” and the reporter is like “why?” And he just like idk is bashful and stuff like “well that person really helped me out you know? I probably couldn’t have done it without them, they where a great help and they really helped me protect the citizens in the area you know? I just want them to know how awesome they are and stuff” and just yeah. Sorry this is long!!! I just really love your tumblr and yeah,,, hope you have an awesome day dude!!"

ever since he was little, aunt may made sure that peter always thanked people, the bus driver, the cashier, and anybody that held open a door for him, he was raised to be goddamn polite

peter got his powers when he was around 15, no clue what he was doing and just trying his best, so whenever somebody stepped in and helped him out, he’d make sure to thank them too

he felt especially bad when somebody got hurt helping him out, he’s left more get well soon cards in hospital windows than he’d care to remember, and the habit just stuck, because people never stopped helping him, and he never stopped being grateful

it’s one of new york’s little known secrets, everybody knows somebody that knows somebody that’s gotten a handwritten card from the amazing spiderman, sometimes peter will deliver flowers to the firestation when they end up working together

and it’s not just the people that wind up hospitalized, peter knows a lot of nyc by name, he’s the people’s hero, he stops to chat with strangers in the street and play with the kids that ask him to, he makes sure his friday patrols coincide with Mrs. Antos’ afternoon walk so he can say hi to her and her dog


	1220. Chapter 1220

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade and Peter would definitely argue about which hot sauce is better whenever they get Mexican. Peter prefers Cholula and Wade’s favorite is Valentina. Wade says he’ll even take Petey to Mexico to show him that Valentina is the superior hot sauce. (btw they both agree that fresh cold mangos taste way better with a generous sprinkling of tajín on top)"

listen after years of searching nyc top to bottom for the best mexican place, they’ve practically become connoisseurs, one of their favorites is the little family run place tucked away on 3rd avenue, they’ve got their own brand of hot sauce that can bring a grown man to tears, peter and wade keep trying to beat their hot sauce challenge, so far wade’s gotten the closest

they both have opinions on hot sauce, wade will die on his valentina hill, but peter’s gotten him to come around a little, wade prefers cholula on his eggs, but that’s as far as it goes, he will not be swayed

sometimes in the summer they’ll try to eat something that isn’t fast food, wade will go buy some mangoes or if he’s feeling creative a watermelon, peter will run home and get the tajin while wade uses his katana to slice up the fruit, even though he has a perfectly good knife strapped to his boot


	1221. Chapter 1221

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Jarvis snitching about everyone to Wade because they’re friends"

despite everything, jarvis likes wade, they’re both troublemakers at heart, but jarvis does have limits to what he’ll tolerate from wade, and wade understands that

wade’s not supposed to be allowed in the tower, jarvis has instructions to keep him out, but jarvis helps him sneak up to steal peter away for lunch all the time, and if wade tosses a stink bomb in the vents on the way out, jarvis turns a blind eye, contrary to popular belief, jarvis loves a good prank

jarvis actually enlisted wade’s help to basically just fuck shit up in the tower to keep tony busy while everybody got tony’s surprise birthday party ready, considering that tony forgot what month it was again, he screamed bloody murder when everybody jumped out

wade and jarvis became gossip buddies, since jarvis can’t exactly get around, he has to rely on others, and wade is always more than happy to talk, in return jarvis trades his own gossip, which wade lives for, he’s got a file on his laptop at home just full of peter tripping over shit and accidentally blowing things up, thanks to jarvis


	1222. Chapter 1222

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, pokemon au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Pokemon AU! Peter is a trainer, Venom is a Pokemon, Wade is...?"

peter is a pokemon trainer, but like as a hobby, wandering around battling other trainers doesn’t exactly pay, peter does odd jobs at whatever city he happens to be in, he’s good with computers so more often than not he can find work just by going to the local pokemon center and asking around

he travels with his trusty partner, venom, a shiny ditto, venom has a bad habit of morphing into a person and tricking other people into buying them food, they’re an insatiable little fucker and peter’s constantly apologizing for them

one day peter took a wrong turn in the woods and got lost, he spent almost two weeks fucking around, trying to find his way back out, in the process he ran into wade, who was at the time a pikachu running around sparking and swearing, like with human swears, and of course peter’s not just going to leave a talking pikachu, so he catches the thing and finally finds his way out of the woods

one peter got the pikachu to calm down enough to say something other than “FUUUUUCK”, he found out wade was actually human, he pissed off the god of the forest and got himself turned into a pokemon

wade and venom only get along when they’re pulling some dumb stunt, venom’s found out that with their body and wade’s voice, they can get into twice as much trouble as before, from performing magic tricks to straight up scamming people, peter’s got his hands full trying to keep them out of trouble while looking for a cure for wade’s problem

wade’s terrified of pokemon researchers who for the most part try to steal him on sight, he’s a talking pikachu, it’s kind of a big deal, this makes it very hard to go to anybody for help, so peter’s stuck turning to psychics and folklorists, trying to figure out who exactly wade pissed off in the first place so they can figure out how to undo it

wade is absolutely indignant that peter tries to get him to fight pokemon battles and eat out of a pet bowl, he still does it but he makes his annoyance known


	1223. Chapter 1223

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "omg that civilian!wade AU is making me cry so much... can we have something fluffy to balance out all the angst? Can be anything you can think of, as long as it's fluffy."

let’s say wade knew peter years earlier, before ellie, so when wade finds out he’s got a kid, he brings peter with him because he’s terrified, he wouldn’t have been able to walk in that room without peter holding onto his shoulder, telling him it’s alright

wade can’t take her when carmelita tries to hand her over, so peter does instead, peter tells him, “look, she’s smiling”, and wade does and he forgets how to speak, she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen

wade doesn’t realize peter’s putting her in his arms until he’s cradling her head and watching her chew on the edge of her blanket, he whispers, “she’s an angel”, peter tells him, “she’s your angel”, peter was smiling so wide wade couldn’t tell him he was wrong, and maybe he felt that peter was a little right

ellie grew up calling peter uncle peter and spending the first weekend of every month sleeping over at may’s, being related to superheros means ellie always got the coolest presents for her birthday, peter once made her an anamatronic teddy bear which wade shot when he accidentally set it off in the middle of the night, they had a funeral in the back yard and peter got her a normal stuffed animal this time

wade’s a sucker for ellie, she just has to look up at him with puppy dog eyes and he’d trade the world to make her happy, he took her to the boardwalk before and when she said she wanted the biggest prize, wade spent about 2k just trying to rack up enough points, he threatened the guy at the stand for the rest of them and ellie walked off dragging a stuffed bear bigger than herself, it was hard to shove it through the subway to get it home

ellie’s got the other kids at school jealous around the holidays, she goes to may’s for hanukkah with wade and peter and then she gets to go to her mom’s for christmas, she gets twice the presents and gets to show them all off when she goes back to school


	1224. Chapter 1224

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, asphyxiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Spiderman is fighting sandman when deadpool comes in with a leaf blower"

it sounds like a great idea on paper, break into the nearest home depo, steal the biggest industrial leaf blower they have, kick ass, kiss spiderman under the sunset

except in practice all it does is lift sand into the air, sentient sand, everybody not wearing a mask suddenly has sand taking their lungs hostage, it’s a mess and wade keeping him dispersed just makes the guy mad

peter gets a tear in his mask and falls victim to the sandstorm, he starts miming something at wade while choking, wade’s playing charades with spiderman, who is actively dying, and wade has always sucked at charades, this is why everybody should know sign

peter gives up and crawls over to wade, hitting the reverse switch on the leaf blower, enough of sandman gets sucked up that he loses control over the sand in people’s lungs, everybody’s hacking up sand and wade’s gotta haul peter up because he’s having trouble standing on his own

it’s no kiss under the sunset, but wade takes peter home and stays with him while he coughs up blood and sand, wade went out and bought seven different kinds of ice cream while peter was passed out on the bathroom floor, he tried to apologize when peter was feeling better, but peter just shoved ice cream in wade’s mouth because he couldn’t tell him to shut up instead


	1225. Chapter 1225

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn, bartender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "What if after the multiple fights between superheroes, Tony Stark decided to make a kind of bar for superheroes and vigilantes to bond and know each other (in case they ever need help from the other). Peter, wanting to keep his identity a secret, becomes an employee (maybe a pianist or bartender) so that he can learn about the heroes and other plans. Deadpool finds himself in the bar (don't tell Stark) and falls for Peter."

tony has a whole department dedicated to damage control, he pays people to think up ways to keep supers from breaking half the city, like he may be a millionaire but damn paying for everything his team breaks is starting to add up

the latest project came about because of a drunken brawl that destroyed a bank, a pet shelter, and a fuck ton of apartments, supers need a place to blow off steam without everything they touch breaking, welcome to Unbreakable, the world’s first fire proof, hulk proof, super proof bar, made by and for supers, anyone without powers is banned for their own safety

tony needs somebody he can trust working the counter, somebody that won’t die if they get in the middle of a fight between superhumans, and peter happened to be looking for an extra job to keep himself in college, it’s a damn good thing he barely sleeps

peter parker the bartender actually has fun at his job, he gets to hear all the latest superhero gossip and meet everybody from the avengers to little known antiheroes, everybody that patrons the bar thinks tony just hired some normal kid, they get pretty protective of him

after wade got “suspended” from the hellhouse for a while, due to circumstances that are not at all his fault, he starts looking for a new place to wallow, frank tips him off about unbreakable and wade gives it a shot

the cute bartender has him smitten in minutes and he forgets to wallow, wade spends every minute he can at the bar, flirting with peter and being surprised that peter’s flirting back

peter’s having fun getting under wade’s skin, normally he’s spiderman when he’s around wade, and spiderman can’t make dirty jokes and innuendos, he’s a hero, but peter’s not and peter is trying real hard to get deadpool in bed, but wade keeps chickening out and making excuses and peter’s getting frustrated and starting to doubt wade’s actually interested

nyc’s home to a lot of heroes, and as the bar got popular, more and more of them got to know peter parker, so really wade should have expected this, peter’s cute, it makes sense that he’d get hit on right, it makes sense that wade’s not special, that peter flirts with a lot of people, but walking in and seeing johnny storm behind the counter with his arm around peter really hit him in the gut, he didn’t visit the bar for a week after that

when johnny found out peter was working at a super bar under his alter ego, of course he had to go down and annoy the ever loving shit out of peter, what are best frenemies for, for some reason wade didn’t show up at all that week, peter found himself missing the merc, he’d gotten so used to seeing wade every day that everything felt off when he didn’t show up


	1226. Chapter 1226

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, bartender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [igotloki](https://igotloki.tumblr.com/), "I love the bartender au one! Wade getting suspended for reasons that are not his fault and peter trying to get him in bed! 🤣🤣🤣 Will there be a part 2? I love it so much!"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "More of that super bar bartender peter! Please. Wade needs to know!”
> 
> Ask from [crying-mascara](http://crying-mascara.tumblr.com), “Can you pls continue the “superhero bar” post? What happens when Wade returns to the bar/how do he and Peter get together?”
> 
> Ask from [awesomecass2000](http://awesomecass2000.tumblr.com), "@ Part 2 of bartender Peter please! What happens after Johnny?”
> 
> Ask from [masonnerd](http://masonnerd.tumblr.com), “Please for the love of Our Creators continue the superhero bartender au”
> 
> Ask from [badumdum](http://badumdum.tumblr.com), “Please continue the bartender au, my heart cant handle not knowing what will happen next!!!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “Please more bartender au, I need it because reasons”

it’s not long before wade gets kicked out of the hellhouse again, but this time for moping and stealing the good booze, with nowhere to go wade found himself outside unbreakable, and since he’s already there, what’s the harm in a peek

except as soon as he walked in peter saw him and waved him over, and wade couldn’t say no to that face

while wade had been gone, unbreakable got a new addition to the menu, alcohol made especially for the super resistant, which is why cap was in the corner, sharing war stories with an excited audience that kept his drinks coming

wade hasn’t been drunk in so long that he doesn’t actually realize he’s like not sober anymore until after he’s turned into a needy pile of self doubt and peter’s sitting next to him, patting his back and telling him it’s alright

wade may have passed out at the bar, because when he woke up, peter was half carrying half dragging his sorry ass down the darkened streets of nyc, wade tried telling peter he was ok, but peter wasn’t having it, which is how wade ended up on peter’s crappy craigslist couch eating reheated lo mein and watching cartoons at ass o’clock in the morning

peter apparently didn’t sleep since he left like an hour later for classes, telling wade to drink some water before making the mistake of trusting wade wilson alone in his apartment, so obviously it was time to snoop


	1227. Chapter 1227

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, bartender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com/), "I swear, you do this on purpose to me. Lol. Please continue the super bartender peter. Lol."
> 
> Ask from [masonnerd](https://masonnerd.tumblr.com), “We ask for a continuation of the bartender au and you give us another cliffhanger, you’re a crafty clever sadistic minx of a writer and that’s why we adore and love you”
> 
> Ask from [samandstuffworld](https://samandstuffworld.tumblr.com), "The bartender universe is amazing!!!!! Can we pretty please have a third part????? 😍😍😍😍😍😍”

wade found out a lot from snooping, mainly that peter the bartender is a giant nerd, he’s got textbooks and electronics scattered around his little apartment, and little else, he’s also a fan of wade’s favorite wall crawling hero if the stacks of pictures of spiderman are anything to go by

the kitchen was sad and mostly empty, typical college kid, but the bedroom is where things started to get weird, the door had been closed so that was like an invitation, the gadgets and technology in here were much more advanced, like stark tech levels, which ok maybe he was an engineering major

but then wade found the hidden panel in the back of peter’s closet, only people with big secrets have hidden panels, wade took a moment to ask himself if he really wanted to do this, peter thought of him as a friend and this wasn’t just laying out in the open, he obviously wanted whatever was in here to stay hidden

but then again, peter was just a bartender, how bad could it be

it was bad, wade should have left well enough alone and saw himself out an hour ago, but instead he was sitting on peter parker’s bed, holding the spiderman suit he’d found

he felt terrible, he’d gone out of his way all this time to not learn spiderman’s identity, because spiderman had asked him not to, but now he’d ruined everything and spiderman and peter were going to hate him…. unless, unless he just never found out

wade tried to put everything back exactly how he found it and left to get some groceries, he could pretend he was making pancakes for peter as a thank you for dragging my sorry ass home, except it wouldn’t be pretending if he did it, nobody had to know and wade would just pretend he didn’t know anything either, this could work, it had to


	1228. Chapter 1228

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, drinking, bartender au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [ebonyheartnet](https://ebonyheartnet.tumblr.com/), "WADE NO! You gotta fess up, because the cutie patootie with the bangin’ booty is gonna knooooow~ The only thing Peter’s worse at than lying is not finding out that he’s been lied TO. Spill los frijoles my good bitch, or they will be spilled for you. (Bartender AU)"
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](https://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), "Grrrrr… your amazing but I need more. I gotta know what happens next to Peter and Wade in the bartender au!”
> 
> Ask from [kid-child-ect](https://kid-child-ect.tumblr.com), "MORE BARTENDER AU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
> 
> Ask from [igotloki](https://igotloki.tumblr.com), "You are killing me with this bartender au! There’s not even a period at the end which is clearly an invitation for more! Right?! Now I’m all kinds of stressed about Peter finding out that Wade knows! Part 4 pretty please? Or you know, a 50 chapter fic with a sequel will also do it. 😂”
> 
> Ask from [samandstuffworld](https://samandstuffworld.tumblr.com), "So, you just wrote a third part but I kinda really need another part now. So, I am asking you to pretty please write some more of the bartender universe????”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “A possible continuation for the barista!au: villains attack the bar (and maybe wade saves peter’s secret identity, but peter finds out?)“

wade was doing pretty good at keeping peter’s secret, he went to the bar like usual and watched himself so he didn’t make any references to spiderman, it seems like everything’s going to work out just fine, and then doctor doom happened

it all started with the fantastic four posting pictures of themselves at unbreakable and tagging doctor doom because they do that whenever they’re having fun and he’s not, reed richards didn’t expect anything to happen when he put “wish you were here” in the tags after they’d crashed one of his embassy meetings last week

the bar stood up to it’s name, doombots and messy heroes alike grabbed any furniture they could get their hands on to fight, peter was hiding behind the bar, and he was going to stay there while wade stood on top of the bar, laughing like a maniac and filling robots full of bullets, but peter just had to be a hero

frank was busy with the two robots in from of him and didn’t see the one behind him, peter activated his webshooter and aimed, wade saw him and shoved him back before launching himself at the problem, which earned wade a grunt from frank, which is the nicest thing he’s ever said to wade

in the aftermath while the others were cleaning up the carnage and susan and johnny were desperately trying to figure out who’s fault this was first, wade went behind the bar and poured himself a drink, peter leaned against the counter next to him and wade asked if he was allowed to drink on the job, peter stole the bottle from him and took a long drink, and then he asked how long wade knew

wade drug his finger through the oil on the bar top and tried to drag out his answer as long as possible, he finally sighed and admitted it was when peter let him crash at his apartment

to wade’s surprise peter didn’t even seem phased, peter asked if he told anybody, wade immediately launched into a tirade about how he would never, spiderman is his hero and he would never do anything to betray a friend like peter, “like snoop in their stuff?”, wade didn’t have an answer for that one, he knew he’d fucked up

peter just shrugged and said he’d wanted wade to know sooner or later, this just took the anxiety out of figuring out how, wade said he was sorry again, peter said he’d forgive him if he took peter out for dinner sometime

wade’s been frantically searching for the perfect dinner restaurant to bring the love of your life to on the first date, he hasn’t been to the bar in a week or contacted either peter or spiderman in as much time and peter’s getting worried he scared wade off


	1229. Chapter 1229

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, ballet au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Two words, Flexible. spidey. DP finds this out and gets super excited and wants to know all about it. Spidey can do you splits and more. Interesting positions. Also hilarity of making fun of him while on patrol of being able to be a ballerina."

wade’s always making fun of peter for being so flexible, midair splits and flipping off buildings kinda thing, wade’s compared him to a ballerina before, but what he doesn’t know is that peter actually is one and that’s why he always looks so graceful while kicking ass

peter’s got a recital coming up soon, and since he got ready for patrols a little early today, he picks a nice big empty roof and starts running through his routine, unaware that wade’s a few roofs over

wade was just trying to say hi, but when peter started dancing, wade stopped to watch, he didn’t want to interrupt, with the sunset behind him, peter looked ethereal, and wade swore because he went and fell in love all over again


	1230. Chapter 1230

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "i like the idea of a poly relationship between spidey deadpool and venom and spidey being like a twink deadpool being twunk and venom being hunk and ya know them smooshing spidey in a big sandwich hug can you write really fluffy headcanons of them? sorry if my english isnt good i try"

listen, i know that compared to venom, anybody’s gonna look diminutive, but wade is definitely in the hunk category

venom likes physical contact, when peter and wade go to bed, they always wake up in a puddle of black goo, venom’s way of being the ultimate big spoon, a ladle if you will

venom doesn’t get kisses, but they’re trying, ever since wade started goodbye kisses venom demands a kiss from the both of them every time wade has to go, venom giving kisses is less fun since it’s full of tongue and goo

venom and wade have taken up pouring chocolate sauce on everything, peter is sick and tired of not being able to eat pizza without a gallon of chocolate poured on it first, wade’s starting to hit his limits though, last week venom mixed together mayo and fudge sauce and neither wade or peter can stand to look at the stuff

if peter’s refusing to sleep for whatever stupid reason, venom will side with wade and take over peter’s body, forcing him to get some sleep

peter’s jealous of ellie, she can get venom to do just about anything if she asks nice, she once scolded venom for trying to eat dessert before dinner, and to wade and peter’s surprise, venom actually suffered through a salad before gobbling up the cake


	1231. Chapter 1231

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman, suicide, nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [hotchocat](http://hotchocat.tumblr.com/), "I looove ur venom-Spidey stuff! Tbh I've always thought Pete would get along with the symbiote really well bc he does the "We can't do this but we can do this instead!" And I love the idea Pete is just 300% more peppy and agreeable (almost chris traeger-ish). Wade probably loves how fashionable Pete is now and glad he's feeling so good (writes it off as spider puberty maybe). Hc Pete turns into a HUGE reveler and wades surprised by how much Pete eats and likes to "fool around" ;)"

peter bonded with venom and holy shit dude, alien parasite fine tuning your brain chemistry is hella better than antidepressants, suddenly peter’s got all the goddamn energy in the world, he’s happy again, he’s enjoying life, hasn’t wanted to kill himself since he met venom, life is great

he’s got school, jobs, superheroing, his social life, and downtime all sorted out perfectly, turns out two heads really are better than one, also peter can catnap while venom takes the reins for a couple of hours, he only tried that on the job once and almost got fired, venom is not great with customer service

wade’s surprised at his friend’s sudden good day that just doesn’t seem to end, and it’s great, peter’s got more time to hang out and he can talk circles around wade and still have enough energy to hit up his favorite bar before going home

but also like holy fuck peter eats so much food now, like he already eats a lot normally, but this is concerning, like he’s got a family of tapeworms to feed and he’s on a deadline, it’s honestly sicking to watch

wade’s getting a bit concerned about peter’s new habits, like sure he’s got the fun hipster goth androgynous thing going on now thanks to venom’s experimental fashion tastes, but he’s also turned his spideysuit into a wingsuit and started jumping off skyscrapers for shits and giggles, he’s also gotten plenty of drunk calls from peter, who’s a chatty drunk who runs out of people to annoy pretty fast, and maybe this is the jealously talking but peter gets around

of course wade doesn’t know about venom, so he thinks that peter’s on new meds and maybe on his way over the edge, now that’s he’s actually got enough energy to off himself, so wade tries to intervene, just in case, except peter takes wade trying to get him to spend the night every night the wrong way

wade got to find out about venom in the middle of sex and absolutely panicked, total mood killer, wayyyy too many fucking teeth, but then again that thing venom does with peter’s voice is kinda hot, peter was surprised at how fast wade got over it


	1232. Chapter 1232

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, trans peter parker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "can i get trans peter ya know getting his spiderman suit ripped off from idk a villain and deadpool sees his scars but never knowing he was trans so hes just like those are some nasty scars howd you get them? and peters like dude youve known me forever youve seen me inject myself with t like???"

it’s after a long battle with robots, because it’s always robots, peter and wade climb up to a relatively safe roof after the problem’s been dealt with, and peter pulls down the shirt of his suit to pull out the shrapnel stuck in his side and wade sees the scars on his chest

since peter does have a bit of a healing factor, his scars usually heal pretty faint, so these really stand out, and wade asks

peter just looks at him because, wade, you watched me inject t last week when you stayed the night to bleed all over my couch, wade forgot because he was too busy trying not to think about needles


	1233. Chapter 1233

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, chef au, food critic au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter is the god of pleasure and hedonism, he also happens to be a chef. Wade is the god of chaos and sanity, who also happens to be a food critic. Gods can't sense each other unless they do something godly in the presence of one another. Peter's been really good at this whole "being a mortal and hiding from other gods" business, but this one critic is pushing him towards making something truly rapturous to impress the guy."

wade always hops job to job because he gets bored easy, he’s done everything under the sun from child care to spelunking, and he was honestly considering quitting being a small time food critic for some unimportant website when he walked into peter’s restaurant

peter’s been trying to revive some of his favorite recipes from years gone by, piecing together what he can remember from centuries ago, when he had decided to travel the world, but now he’s trying to carve out a peaceful life for himself in new york city, which is god awful, property costs are just stupid and he had to claw his way out of obscurity to put his restaurant into the lime light

peter takes pride in what he does, he’s been cooking in some form or another since before he can remember, he’s good at what he does and people are finally taking notice, if this pans out peter’s going to look into opening a distillery, he really misses making his own drinks

wade spent his entire meal confused, there was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, like he’d had this meal before, one of the waiters got nervous watching him and asked if wade had enjoyed his meal, so he asked for the chef, wade absolutely didn’t hear what peter said because he was too busy listening to milkshake by kelis playing in his head while peter walked over, wade tried to cover by agreeing to whatever peter just said

he fucked up, by the time wade left he’d accidentally insulted the food, called the restaurant “mediocre” and promised to write a scathing review, and now that he’d said it he couldn’t go back, so he wrote the review

the website actually got hell for wade review, peter’s restaurant had a cult following that was calling wade’s article straight up slander, which it absolutely was, peter himself called wade’s boss and told them to send wade back in, peter was absolutely determined to knock wade back on his ass the next time he came around

wade has severe foot in mouth disease because what he meant to say was this is the best thing i’ve ever eaten because it reminds me of being home, but what came out was “it’s like chili's”, peter went absolutely red, he told wade “don’t you dare fucking leave”, and went back to the kitchen

wade stayed past closing, wade was considering just jumping down the fire escape when he felt the presence of another divine, the last place he expected to find another god was here in some fancy experimental restaurant in downtown new york squeezed between a condemned building and a doula certification place

but holy hell whatever peter brought out smelled like heaven smothered in chocolate, peter watched with smug satisfaction as wade ate everything and licked the goddamn plate, wade finally remembered where he’d tasted peter’s cooking before

“were you at that orgy in Gaza back in 331 bc?”


	1234. Chapter 1234

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, chef au, food critic au, immortal au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Bold of you to assume that I don't need Peter's answer to "were you at that orgy in Gaza back in 331 bc?"

peter kicked wade out of his restaurant, because obviously this guy was just trying to be a massive dick and wasn’t taking any of this seriously like peter was, god what a waste of energy, he should have ignored the guy from the start

too bad wade’s about as easy to get rid of as a persistent tick, he started showing up every day to eat, and every day he’d ask for peter, and every day one of the servers had to explain to him that if the chef saw wade, he’d probably try and stab him with the nearest knife, fork, or other stabby implement

wade ran out of patience about the time peter decided to start serving wade nothing but handwritten notes that said “eat shit and die”, so wade decided if peter wouldn’t come to him, he’d give peter a reason to at least leave the kitchen

calling up chaos energy was simple, but he’d forgotten how natural it felt, like waking up in the morning and getting out of bed, one of the legs broke on the table wade had his hand on, everything on top came crashing down, a waitress carrying hot soup came crashing down and the soup went flying into a light fixture, the light shorted out throwing sparks down, which caught several of the guests on fire, god wade missed the rube goldberg style of cause and effect

peter had to come to the rescue of course, he put out the guests and got the area fixed up as quickly as possibly, sending out complimentary desserts to everybody in the restaurant as an apology

this time peter dragged wade into the kitchen with him so he could tell wade he was going to pay for the damages, the sous chef moved all the knives away from the wall next to peter and wade while peter yelled his anger out

when peter was done, wade just said “you never answered my question”, peter ran a frustrated hand through his already messed up hair and hissed, “fine, i was there, i catered the goddamn thing”


	1235. Chapter 1235

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I had a dream that wade stole a car and drove peter to the beach to watch the sunset"

it’s getting late and peter’s already tired of this shit, he just started patrols and he’s already ready to curl up in bed and sleep for a month, he’s just so tired

when wade shows up with tacos and a willing ear, peter starts complaining, because he can’t complain to anybody else about his spiderman problems, but then his peter parker problems start leaking in and peter gets real close to crying, like he’s one minor inconvenience away from just breaking down in the middle of everything

but when they’re done eating wade says let’s go, and peter follows him a street down where wade finds an appropriate car, breaks into it, and hot wires the thing, which peter didn’t even know he could do

he tried resisting, but wade pulled him into the passenger’s seat and the faces on people that actually notice spiderman and deadpool driving through late afternoon traffic are hilarious, peter keeps trying to ask where they’re going but wade just keeps telling him it’s a surprise

when they pull into the empty parking lot and hop out, wade tells him he needs a vacation, so they’re here for a beach day, peter doubles over laughing because it’s the middle of winter and the sun’s going down, literally nobody would want to be here right now

but they’re already here, so peter pulls off his boots and rolls up his leggings and screams when his feet touch the frigid water, the sun finally sinks down while he was waiting for wade, there’s something about the ocean at night that’s both humbling and horrifying, there is nothing in this world that could possibly care less about you than the inky black waves rolling back and forth into the abyss

wade stripped down and jumped into the water, he screamed louder than peter did and peter just laughed at him, they had to give up on swimming pretty quick and ended up laying on the sand, getting it in their suits and watching the sky for passing airplanes, wade said they were as good as shooting stars when you can’t see the real ones

peter was exhausted by the time they’d decided to head back, he fell asleep in the back seat smiling, feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time


	1236. Chapter 1236

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "sometimes when peter's tired or pissed off his NUH YOHK accent comes out and it delights wade to no end cause it hilarious. EY YO WATCH IT I'M SWINGIN HERE!"

when peter’s especially mad at his dumbass b list villains, sometimes after he webs them up and everybody’s out of harms way, he lays into them and just starts yelling, if he’s mad enough his accent comes out and the funniest thing wade’s ever seen was spiderman and electro yelling over each other, both of them becoming increasingly difficult to understand as their accents slip out

it happens to peter a couple of times, like when bystanders decide to be stupid and stick around like peter fighting for their lives is a show, there was that one limo driver that got out of the car to yell at peter for “blocking traffic”, even though the road ahead was just like gone, like the earth opened up and swallowed a mile of road gone, gotta love new york


	1237. Chapter 1237

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [dirtyspidey](https://dirtyspidey.tumblr.com/), "Peter is Tony's son in all but blood (would be his son if May let Tony adopt Peter) so would that make wade Tony's almost son-in-law when Peter and wade get married?"

wade invites all the x-men as a kind of “fuck you losers guess who’s getting married to the coolest superhero ever”, he asked logan to be his best man, logan sent the letter back in an envelope adressed to “fuck you”, full of little shredded pieces, most of the xmen don’t show up

peter asked tony if he could walk the groom down the aisle, see tony thought he’d be giving away peter, but he showed up to the recital to walk wade down the aisle, he kept tripping on the hem of wade’s dress, while may got to stand next to peter and look proud, it’s a testament to how much he loves peter that he only complains a little to everyone that isn’t peter

after they get married wade will only call tony “father in law” specifically because it drives him nuts, tony doesn’t complain to peter about it because he offered wade a million dollar bribe to leave peter like a month before the wedding, wade took the money and married peter anyways, tony’s really got his hands tied with this one

but he’s really started to come around, the more he has to see peter and wade together, the more he’s come to accept it, that and it helps that he’s realized wade’s just as dedicated as he is to making sure that peter stays alive

wade first earned a little of tony’s respect by talking peter down from running off half cocked to find venom after carnage escaped again, tony didn’t take wade as being the rational one in that relationship, but apparently he has his moments


	1238. Chapter 1238

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dysfunctional relationship, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Wade dies all the time, nbd to him, but Peter hates it every time, Wade doesn't have any better self preservation tactics tho. Until one time Wade dies and while he's down, Peter gets hurt."

dying is a regular occurrence for wade, sure he promised spidey that he’d try to stay alive but shit happens, that’s just his life, and it’s never really bothered him, or at least he got used to it, but that all changed

wade bled out and spiderman got overwhelmed, when wade woke up spidey wasn’t moving and wade was terrified that he’d taken too long to regenerate, he wasn’t sure that spiderman was going to make it, so he used his own blood, hooked himself up to the only person that ever treated him like a human being and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in

spidey survived, but just barely, wade never admitted how bad it had been, and peter was none the wiser, but wade’s been real careful about going down before the coast is clear, because what if he’s not around when something bad happens again, he’s scared of being the reason his best friend died

peter thinks he finally got through to wade and he’s actually started taking care of himself, and he sorta has, but it’s mostly the rampant paranoia and guilt, wade’s taken up stalking spidey in his spare time, just in case, either peter hasn’t noticed or he’s just turning a blind eye


	1239. Chapter 1239

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic spideypool, character death, angst, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Omg I absolutely love your blog! I was wondering if you could write some angst about the after math of Infinity War... Like what if Wade survives and he's desperately searching Spidey? Wade just breaking down when he realizes what happened? Again, I absolutely love your blog and I'd be thrilled if you took this prompt."

nobody tells wade anything, which is why he’s gotta come out of a depressive episode two weeks late to the party and find out he missed his chance to die, and then the implications of what happened hit him and he remembered the spider kid, the one he promised to keep safe

he can’t find him anywhere, a goody two shoes like that would have been running himself ragged trying to help clean up this mess, but nobody’s seen him and wade’s starting to get anxious, he’s just a kid

in a last ditch effort he goes after stark, the kid’s babysitter, because if anybody knows where spider boy’s gone, it’s gotta be him

stark is drinking alone, looks like he’s been doing that for a while, and the only thing in wade’s way is the blue alien lady, but stark tells her to leave him be, wade asked what happened to the kid and tony flinched, wade asked again and stark just shook his head

wade remembered breaking a lot of things on his way out of stark’s stupid fucking tower, he remembered being very very angry, and picking a fight or twelve, and then he was waking up in some alleyway surrounded by carnage and his own bad decisions, and none of it brought the kid back


	1240. Chapter 1240

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok but like wade making peter wear a dress and then he gets all flustered and thinks its adorable while peter is thinking of ways to kill him"

wade wanted to see his boyfriend in a dress, so instead of asking like a normal human adult, he hid all of the clothes in the apartment while peter was taking a shower and replaced them with dresses

peter threw on the first dress he grabbed and went to yell at wade, wade absolutely wasn’t listening because peter looked adorable in a sundress and holy shit those legs


	1241. Chapter 1241

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, amnesia, torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Hey! If you're in the mood for it, can you write something that is either super angsty or super fluffy? Thanks so much! You're amazing!"

wade wilson and peter parker are married, it’s almost their third anniversary when wade gets kidnapped by doc oc who’s looking for spiderman’s identity, peter takes too long to find oc’s secret lair so by the time he gets to wade, wade’s been tortured and killed multiple times

something got knocked out of place with everything wade went through, when he woke up peter soon realized that wade didn’t remember they were together, much less married

filled with guilt, peter thinks this is for the best and doesn’t set wade straight, in fact he goes around to the others that know about their relationship and asks them to keep quiet, wade’s been through enough because of peter, and peter’s not willing to let him go through that again, so he says goodbye to the love of his life and cries over wade’s wedding ring, wade had always left it with peter when they went crime fighting

wade’s a little concerned about his pal spiderman, dude’s been quiet lately, and when wade comes around he’s always got an excuse to run away, but over time wade breaks him down through sheer persistence, and things go back to normal, or at least normal from the way wade remembers it

wade catches a glimpse of peter’s wedding ring after his glove got torn off, and something in him drops, because of course spiderman already has somebody, he’s motherfucking spiderman, wade disappeared for a while after that, but he came back, he always does

when an abomination from the ocean is released and they’re about to go on a suicide mission to hopefully destroy the creature from the inside before it can completely level the east coast, peter pulls out a ring on a necklace chain from inside his suit and brings it to his lips, wade had to ask, suicide mission and all, peter just said it was his husbands and he sounds so sad about it that wade doesn’t pry, but after they’ve saved the day and wade carried an unconscious spiderman out of the belly of the dead beast like a fucking badass, he finally has enough time to realize he feels fucking elated, spiderman doesn’t have anybody, of course wade feels shitty about later, the guy’s still mourning, wade shouldn’t feel so happy about it

wade feels like he and spiderman really have something, and it’s a good thing, but every time they have a moment, spiderman’s dead husband just has to but in and ruin it somehow, cockblocking from beyond the grave, maybe wade should look into finding an exorcist

wade’s really starting to feel extra shitty about this whole thing, he really does love the guy but he hates feeling like a homewrecker to a widower, he’s fucking jealous of a dead guy

peter’s really starting to feel extra shitty about this whole thing, he never meant to lead wade on, but he just can’t say no to wade, he loves the guy, it’s just beyond his power to push him away any more, and peter’s afraid that he might slip up and tell wade something, he can’t do this for much longer


	1242. Chapter 1242

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, angst, amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [neutralfangirlshitethenamestaken](https://neutralfangirlshitethenamestaken.tumblr.com/), "oh wow the fake widow amnesiac wade was wonderful will there be a part two?"
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “uMMMMM?!?!??!! U CAN’T JUST LEAVE THE AMNESIA THING THERE??!!!!;!!;! WTF DUDD?!?!?!!!! (jk I loved it tho)”
> 
> Ask from [paranormalmoonlight5](http://paranormalmoonlight5.tumblr.com), “If your up for continuing that amnesia post! Would love to see if they end up back together!!”
> 
> Ask from anonymous, “If your up for continuing that amnesia post! Would love to see if they end up back together!!”
> 
> Ask from [eeirien](http://eeirien.tumblr.com), "uh, hi, long time no see. um, i would like a happy ending for amnesiac!wade please? thank you. ;;”
> 
> Ask from [badumdum](http://badumdum.tumblr.com), "OHH! That amnesia au is on point, please continue!!”

wade’s asked around about spiderman’s husband, but nobody will tell him anything, he got told to drop it multiple times, threatened even, wade hates being in the dark and what the hell could have happened to peter’s husband that was so bad, he can handle bad, so why won’t anybody tell him anything

wade gets his answers from an unlikely source, he gets captured by doc oc, who seems to think that wade of all people knows the identity of spiderman, wade keeps trying to tell him he’s got the wrong guy

spiderman came to wade’s rescue, and he was panicking, he almost killed doc oc because he forgot to hold back, the way spiderman said wade’s name when he found out wade was ok made wade’s heart melt a little bit

peter didn’t relax until doc oc was delivered to the police and wade and peter were both far away from his honestly really gross evil layer, wade asked spiderman if he was alright now, because, he’s been acting really weird this whole time

spiderman sighed and took off his necklace with his husbands wedding ring on it, and handed it to wade, it felt… familiar somehow, wade took off his glove without thinking and slipped it on his finger, it fit perfectly, huh

peter said he was sorry for not saying anything sooner, he thought it would keep this kind of thing from happening, but obviously it didn’t, since wade got caught again because of peter

what the fuck, said wade, with feeling

peter kept going, said it didn’t stop anything from happening and he felt like shit the whole time, he just really missed being with wade, asked if wade could forgive him

holy shit i’m married to spiderman, said wade who was too excited to be mad at peter for any of it

peter took off his mask and asked if that was a yes, wade pulled up his mask and kissed peter so hard they almost fell off the roof they were sitting on


	1243. Chapter 1243

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> symbiote spideypool, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from mrcloudyfun, "They just all watch the clouds. Wade keeps coming up with obscene shapes, and Venom just keeps saying head."

the ability to see pictures and faces in clouds is something that most humans have, it’s the way our brains work, but venom isn’t human, so this whole cloud gazing game is kinda boring for them

peter and wade keep pointing out things like whales and dogs in the clouds and venom’s getting frustrated, peter tried to help and trace shapes for venom

wade actually managed to get venom to see a face in one distinct cloud, really venom just saw the dark spots where eyes nose and a mouth would be and got excited because they finally found one, so then venom just keeps pointing at random clouds and shouting head, even if peter and wade can’t really see how venom gets that out of some of the blobs, they smile and play along anyways


	1244. Chapter 1244

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, avengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "I really like the idea of heroes finding out that peter is really fucking strong. He’s a scrawny college kid who survives off of top ramen and coffee, he could probably snap a twig or something. But then there are civilians trapped under a train car, and he throws it effortlessly to the side."

peter’s one of tony’s interns that had the misfortune of getting noticed, he sort of became tony’s personal aide, which is kinda cool because he gets to see all the big projects now, but it also means he has to spend half his work day running back and forth delivering messages between departments, and it’s not always good news, thank god this internship is paid

so peter just happens to be in the car with tony when something shakes new york, peter’s trying very hard to stay in his seat like tony told him to while the billionaire suits up and calls the other avengers, and it’s going good, the avengers can take care of this

but then peter’s spidey sense goes off and he can see a train car hurdling through the sky towards a crowd of civilians, and none of the avengers seem to notice it, so peter jumped out of the car and started running, when tony saw what peter was heading towards, he turned around to try and stop the train car, but he didn’t make it in time

but something incredible happened instead, people swarmed out from under the train car like ants and peter tossed it safely off to the side, tony had to lift his face plate just to be sure he wasn’t seeing things

peter waved up at him sheepishly and tony yelled that peter would have to wait until he was done kicking alien ass, and then they would have a talk, peter nodded and ran off to an alley to change into his costume, might as well join the fight now that he’s here

peter tried skipping town after the battle was over, but tony caught peter at his apartment and reassured him that nothing was gonna happen, also how would you like to be an avenger


	1245. Chapter 1245

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, angst, character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter never did catch the man who murdered his uncle. Ever since then, every time he stops a murderer out on the streets, he interviews them, demanding if they're the one who killed Ben Parker. Five years later and he's gotten nowhere. Peter tells Deadpool the story one day and Deadpool decides to help out the hero out with his Mad Tracking Skills..."

asking random muggers and robbers he finds on the street what they were doing the night of his uncle’s death isn’t getting him anywhere, but what the hell else is he supposed to do

enter one merc with a mouth, the kind of friend that would absolutely hunt down your uncle’s killer pro bono if you just ask, and maybe even if you didn’t

so wade tracks down this guy and leads peter to him

peter waits and catches the guy alone, drags him into an alley with a quick thread of web and pins him against the wall, peter grabs the guy by the neck and asks him if he remembers when he tried to rob a little store downtown, how it went wrong and the man he shot, asks him if he knew that man died that night

the guy just begs for his life, says he needed the money, that he’s sorry, he’ll do anything

peter ripped off his mask, he had tears in his eyes when he told the man that was his uncle he’d killed that night, peter squeezes a little harder, watches the man’s eye’s roll back in his head, watched his face go red, and then he let go

the man dropped to the ground, coughing, he stumbled away before peter changed his mind, he put his mask back on and left, he wasn’t worth it, spiderman was better than this, and apparently so was peter parker

wade had been watching from the shadows, after peter left, he followed ben’s killer and made sure he couldn’t tell anybody about what happened that night, couldn’t have his little spider getting found out after all


	1246. Chapter 1246

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok so what if Peter was just super oblivious to how other’s perceived him like romantically/sexually? Like he knew in an abstract way he was hot but it never really stuck, and then he started dating wade, and like wade is just death glaring anyone who even so much as looks at him appreciative while peter thinks that wade is being cute or that he simply doesn’t see the death glares and just keeps misinterpreting every situation with jealous!Wade, but like mean to everyone but peter jealous!Wade"

peter’s been oblivious since high school when he magically got effortless abs and hella confident, peter’s dated just about every one of his friends at some point or another, and poor wade already has no idea how he scored peter, who’s way out of his league as far as he’s concerned, and everybody and their dog seems to have either dated or had a thing for peter/spiderman at one point or another, it’s killing wade

he’s gotta be jealous of everybody because peter’s amazing, just fucking look at him, fucking adorable, and he’s oblivious to it, peter just carries on as normal and brushes off all the flirting as joking, but it’s not and wade feels like he’s going crazy because every time he brings it up peter just tells him he’s reading into it, but he’s not, right?

wade’s resorted to lashing out at everybody that gets in peter’s personal space because holy shit, stop flirting with my boyfriend a foot away from me!

peter gets upset at wade and peter reminds him that he’s not going anywhere, and wade has to tell him i trust you, it’s everybody else i don’t trust, and peter thinks it’s the sweetest thing, but now that wade’s said it, peter’s started noticing… things

maybe wade had been right, maybe when johnny talked about dating peter in front of wade it was malicious, maybe getting kitty pride’s phone number after a team up with some of the x-men wasn’t strictly professional, maybe venom telling peter flash would be up for a threesome wasn’t just the alien’s attempt at humor, maybe… maybe peter’s been a bad boyfriend


	1247. Chapter 1247

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, soulmates au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Ok so I'm writing something alike, but I wanted to have your takes on a spideypool soulmate AU where you get your soulmate last words tattoued on you. Peter got like a dozen of them and kinda freaks out about it until he witness Wade die for the first time. And Wade would start to state weird and obscure fact each time he die, just so he can ask Peter if he has that one writed down somewhere on his body, everytime he comes back."

meeting wade was a revelation, peter’s last few years finally made sense and a weight was lifted from his shoulders, at may’s suggestion peter had gone to several doctors to make sure there wasn’t some mistake with his soulmate connection, he had dozens of last words written all over his body, and to be honest a lot of the lines made sense after meeting wade, especially the one that said “stop fucking shooting me”

wade tried to be more careful after he found out he had a soulmate, seeing all the lines on peter’s body, it gave him mixed emotions, on one hand, that’s a lot of loss for one person, but on the other hand, he had irrefutable proof that he and peter were meant for each other, that they were brought together by fate, that they fit together perfectly, and that part felt good

wade took to saying reassurances and terrible jokes whenever he kicked it while on a mission, it was his way of telling peter not to worry, he’ll be ok, peter still worries of course, but it’s hard to be worried when you’re laughing at math puns


	1248. Chapter 1248

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, magic au, fantasy au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "hiya!!! draggo/Shapeshifter Anon again!! I'll just go by gawc (Griffin or anon who cares) so in the future I won't have name off all the stuff I've requested!! anywho, please consider a fairytale!au where Wade receives a beautiful silver sword from his very close friend Vanessa, who gifted it to him right before she died, it has a beautifully carved hilt and a glimmering Crystal-like orb at the bottom, stuck onto the sword by bronze wiring design. the sword looks extremely expensive, not to mention that the stone itself looked like it costed a fortune, even though it’s only about four centimeters wide.   
> one day as he’s examining the sword, he gets called in for a mission, and he has to leave super fast, so against his will he takes the brand new sword with him, but once he starts battle, weird stuff begins to happen, he gets a weird feeling a lot and can tell when he’s about to get attacked, he’s more limber, and his sword gives off a very VERY slight glow, all the while it’s gently tugging him along to do fanier moves, but the are more effective than his usual random hacking at his target. his comrads compliment him and he’s like oh! okay?? haha new sword!! yup!! this is fine!! he also gets more than he usually does for the good work,,   
> and as soon as he gets home he’s weirded out and exhausted, he lays down and passes out, only to have a weird dream where he meets a kid around his age, the guy looks abt 23 and Wade’s 25, hes kinda glimmer-y tho, and Wade’s suuuuper confused, but it’s a dream, so he doesn’t really care, and the kid’s like hey!! name me!! and Wade randomly comes up w Peter, and Pete goes cool! I’m your sword btw!! and Wade wakes up freaked out like what??? my sword?? huh?? and he looks at it and says “Peter?” and the sword does a glowy thing and a voice calls out “Hi Wade!!” but it’s coming from behind him, and now the sword is gone, and Peters standing there in all his glory,, and Wade’s v confused, and freaked out, and Pete tells Wade don’t worry!! I’m just your sekki!! and Wades all like huh?? your what now?? and he explains that he’s just a spirit who can turn into a weapon, in his case a sword, and Wade goes Peter, and Pete frowns as he does a glow and shifts back into the sword, Wade kinda freaks out, goes to grab it again but notices Pete’s also showing in the crystal, so Wade says his name again and he shifts back, Wade starts calling him by names like baby boy and sugar tits and etc to avoid him shifting"

vanessa and wade are swords for hire, that’s how they met, wade had been hired to protect this guy who had a bounty on his head, then in came vanessa who convinced wade to kill the guy and split the reward money with her, the start of a beautiful partnership

eventually wade and vanessa bit off more than they could chew, wade lost his soul and vanessa barely made it out with her head, unfortunately vanessa was still gravely wounded, wade had to carry her back to the nearest town where he left her in the care of the temple with the best reputation and least exorcisms gone wrong

eventually he had to head out again since healers are money grubbing bastards, charity my ass, before he left vanessa gave him a fancy sword, not as a farewell present, more of a just in case present, wade didn’t want to take it, it was way too fancy for him anyways, but vanessa insisted

the first job he gets he can feel something is off, he’s got better reflexes, like he can tell where the next blow is going to come from, and it’s almost like he’s got better instincts for this, instead of his usual hack and slash style, he’s been pulling actual moves out of his ass and getting shit done, like he took out seven people on his own and didn’t get a scratch, it’s a good weird

apparently he had an oracle to apologize to, because that night he got one of those magic out of body dreams he used to call bullshit, he met a hot twink that asked wade for a name, he looked like a peter so that’s what wade said, all of a sudden he slammed back into his body and woke up to the hot twink in his bed and holy shit what the hell did he drink

it took a lot of explaining for wade to get it, and he still doesn’t entirely believe it, but now he’s got a magic sword so that’s a thing, peter is actually super helpful, peter’s much less intimidating than wade so he’s great in interrogations, and it’s kinda great having somebody to talk to when he’s out in the middle of nowhere, wade forgets he’s the only one that can hear peter so he looks like he’s crazy

peter hates walking because he’s never had to, so wade keeps him in his sword form when he’s traveling, peter’s been giving wade lessons in swordsmanship, and also how to properly clean a blade because peter’s very concerned about rusting and getting chips, wade pissed off peter when he used peter’s sword as a cooking knife one time, peter wouldn’t talk to him for days, wade’s come up with a million nicknames for peter so he doesn’t accidentally call peter from the sword while they’re talking

when wade went back to check on vanessa and pay off her medical debts, she told him she wasn’t dying anymore so she’s going to need her fancy sword back now, and wade had to tell her he can’t do that, because, the sword doesn’t want to


	1249. Chapter 1249

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from anonymous, "Peter asking for Wade’s measurement because he “accidentally” got too much fabric from Joann’s. A month or so later, Peter gifts Wade some high slit pants (with an elastic waist bless Peter’s heart because gods know how hard it is to wear pants with no elastic when you’re thicc in the waist) and a white crop too with a cute Spiderman patch in the middle. He reveals to Wade that he made himself a matching Deadpool top and similar pants (y’know like twinsies,,, if you ever wanna go out some time)"

wade got peter a sewing machine for his last birthday, he had to promise it was thrifted just so peter would take it, peter fucking loves it, his old sewing machine was close to the grave and hand stitching gives you cramps after a while, so to say thank you, he decided to surprise wade back

peter lied and said he accidentally got too much fabric for a project, so he talked wade into letting him take measurements, and then he went to work

when peter gave wade the outfit he’d made, he literally screamed in excitement, when peter brought out his matching set wade just stopped working, wade insisted they had to go out right now, together, matching, for like ice cream or some other cheesy date thing


	1250. Chapter 1250

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dadpool, monster au

wade and his daughter ellie are vampires, peter is a social worker sent to investigate ellie because other parents in the neighborhood have seen her at the house and never at school

ellie and wade try to come up with reasons that she’s out of school and fail miserably, the best excuse they can cobble together was they just moved here, and ellie is allergic to sunlight

peter gets involved in their life to make sure that wade is sending ellie to school and that she’s in a good environment, she has to get wrapped up every day so the sun can’t get to her, she looks like a pile of jackets when wade’s done with her

wade getting offended when peter just brushes inside all the time without asking if he can come in, peter with his sterling silver ring that makes it impossible to get close to him, peter with his fucking garlic spread and sandwiches, peter’s love of photography, that wade and ellie wouldn’t show up in


	1251. Chapter 1251

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spiderman, angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [samfoxy234](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samfoxy234/pseuds/samfoxy234), "Spider-Man, New York - Spidey saves a little girl from falling and try's to comfort her. He does the first thing that comes to his mind and sings to her. He's like really good too. The internet is on fire."

peter isn't great with kids, they're small and fragile and sticky and loud and you can't reason with somebody whose only argument is "i know you are but what am I?"

when peter shows up to help with damage control after the yearly alien invasion, he just barely manages to snatch this little girl out of midair as she plummeted to her death, but as soon as they hit the ground and the full brunt of the near death experience finally hit her, she took one look at peter and started wailing, and peter started panicking

in a desperate attempt to do anything that would actually help, peter started... singing, just some beetles song he suddenly remembered his dad singing to his mom once when he was just a child, he sat there in the rubble, singing softly and rocking back and forth with the girl as she eventually quieted, peter handed her off to the paramedics, afraid she might be in shock

peter goes back to work, ignoring the burn in his shoulder he'd picked up from slamming himself into a building to catch the girl, and he doesn't think anything of the whole incident, besides asking one of the paramedics later if they'd found the girl's family, but they didn't know

peter doesn't find out about the video until it gets enough attention to get on the news, he was icing his entire body and watching the news on his laptop to see if he was gonna be needed today for any disaster clean up or emergency rescues, and maybe it was because of the unending news coverage of devastation that they took the time to show that video of spiderman singing to a little girl in the midst of all the chaos

peter started crying, he'd never heard himself sing before, he'd never realized he sounded exactly like his father had that happy day, safe at home


	1252. Chapter 1252

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fem!peter parker, symbiote spiderman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [samfoxy234](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samfoxy234/pseuds/samfoxy234), "MCU Venom, Symbiote Spider-Man, Gender ben Peter(Penny) - Having the Symbiote attached to her gives her weird cravings for weird food. She's sick of people asking if she pregnant."

bonding with venom felt a bit like a cold war, penny was constantly struggling against the symbiote, trying to stay in control of her own body

after one particularly long and shitty night of crime fighting and getting her ass handed to her, penny just wanted to pass out on the couch, but she was also hungry, feeding her super metabolism as well as an alien symbiote was no easy task, venom saw their chance and offered to make dinner, just tonight, just for a little bit they could take over, and penny finally gave in because not having to do anything sounded great right about now

penny was so exhausted that she fell asleep in the middle of venom boiling noodles for a frightening amount of mac and cheese, venom was so proud of themself for making food and putting penny to bed last night that they spent the whole next day bragging about it any time they could get penny to listen, it was kinda cute in a weird way, but it did make penny trust the symbiote a little more

penny and venom got to the point where penny would keep her phone out and headphones in while she was shopping just so she and venom could talk easily, venom always wanted to eat the strangest things, and it was an exercise in willpower to say no, because anything venom was craving, penny was also craving, it was really hard to say no to the candy isle though, after roe and live pigeons, five pounds of chocolate suddenly looked pretty reasonable, even if it didn't to her wallet

the increased food budget meant penny had to get yet another job in between her paid internship and freelance photographer job, and the worst part was that her shift lasted till midnight, which cut into her being spiderwoman, she tried to compensate by being spiderwoman whenever she went out with her camera, but generally penny was only getting four hours of sleep a day and it was starting to show, venom tried their best to heal penny's body and do chores while she was asleep, but it just wasn't enough, penny ended up passing out stuck to the side of a wall while patrolling one night, and venom decided this was just like chores, and proceeded to cause havoc all night

penny woke up to a dozen missed messages from jj and a sinking feeling in her gut as she turned on the news to see what jj's messages had been yelling about, honestly penny should have been glad that venom had decided to go heroing as venom and not spiderwoman last night, she didn't buy chocolate for a whole week and venom pouted by not doing chores while penny slept, they made up eventually

people around penny had started to notice that something was... off, it was when she brought an entire rotisserie chicken to lunch that marshal from r&d asked her if she was pregnant, penny got self conscious about her diet after that and changed her large meals to endless snacking, but it just wasn't enough, she'd heard it enough that when mj even asked her if she was pregnant, penny got mad, and then venom got mad on her behalf and now she was extra mad over something stupid, she ended up storming off on mj, which she called to apologize for later, they got so few chances to hang out lately

penny's department at stark labs finally made a breakthrough in the bio nanobots they'd been working on and decided to go out for sushi to celebrate, venom was incredibly enthusiastic about the little octopus legs that writhed around, and penny started drooling, so she said fuck it and ordered too many of them, penny decided she couldn't look her boss in the eye anymore when bruce took her aside and asked if she was pregnant, and the worst part was he was genuinely concerned because pregnant women shouldn't eat seafood

funny enough, at the daily bugle penny had a coworker who actually was pregnant, and they always ended up sharing food since their weird cravings sometimes matched up, penny jokes about having a tapeworm now and it pisses venom off, which is exactly why penny does it, it's almost a term of endearment by now


	1253. Chapter 1253

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [samfoxy234](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samfoxy234/pseuds/samfoxy234), "Ultimate Spideypool, team - The teens try to cock block Deadpool from Spidey"

i'm gonna wangangle the ultimate spiderman animated series timeline a bit here to fit my purposes

peter joined fury's experimental superhero teen team when he was a high school junior, making him older and more experienced than the rest of the team, and after a lot of setbacks and clashing personalities, it actually worked, to everybody's surprise

after graduating high school and moving onto college, peter has to lie about going after a teaching degree so he can accept an internship of sorts with coulson, it's an excuse to keep him and the team together and in shield's sights, unfortunately it also means that peter has to spend most of his free time back in high school running around doing administrative busywork, so there went his dream of never setting foot in mid-town high again, at least he's getting paid

deadpool's known the rest of peter's team long before peter came around, and while their first impressions of each other were not so great, that didn't stop them from hating each others guts for years to come, well it didn't stop peter from hating wade's guts, wade just didn't like peter because peter didn't like him, the rest of peter's team actually liked wade which irritated peter to no end, what's so great about being a freelance mercenary?, it goes against everything peter's spent his life working towards

deadpool never sticks around for long, he only ever shows up in new york for freelance contracts with shield, and as soon as they're over he disappears again, which is fine by peter, everybody knows about peter's distaste for the merc, so when peter starts acting... different towards deadpool, spidey's team takes notice, it's kind of hard not to when peter starts _flirting_ with wade in front of everybody in the middle of a mission debrief, it's horrifying and everybody collectively agrees to try and put a stop to this right fucking now

wade's been really goddamn confused as of late, he somehow managed to hit it off with spiderman after saving the guy's life and they might be friends now?, except he can't do anything about it because every time he tries to ask the wall crawler to hang out or teamup, one of spidey's teammates swoops in and steals him away, wade had been under the impression that these people didn't hate him, so he wasn't sure what changed or why nobody was talking to him anymore, it really stung

peter knew something was up, his teammates were all acting strange and all of a sudden he couldn't get out two words around deadpool without something dragging him away, peter got fed up with it pretty quick and confronted his team about it, sam cracked first, saying that the flirting and pda was just making everybody uncomfortable

what?, said peter who didn't realize he'd been flirting, ava has to pull shield security feeds of spidey and deadpool interacting just to prove a point, peter doesn't react and walks out without a word, peter goes awol for a bit and all they can get out of coulson is that he took some time off for personal reasons, ava's worried that they crossed the line, butting into peter's relationship with deadpool, danny's the only one keeping them from suiting up and tracking down peter on their own, he keeps reminding everybody that "peter will be found only when he wants to be found", sam tells him to shut up

nobody knows what to say when deadpool shows up looking for spidey to say goodbye before he's off for a top secret mission halfway around the world, deadpool hesitates before leaving, he gets uncharacteristically embarrassed and hands ava a key with cryptic instructions to give it to spidey and tell him that it's his to use if he ever needs it, and then he's gone

sam doesn't take the implication well, luke finds him later in the training simulator, destroying everything even without the helmet, luke offers to spar and they go enough rounds that sam finally just collapses, heartbreak is a bitch and a half

peter does eventually come back, turns out his aunt was in an accident and peter refused to leave her alone until the doctor gave her a clean bill of health, but he was still feeling awkward about before and didn't know what to say to any of his friends, so he just didn't say anything, as an apology for making everybody worry about him, he made cookies, cookies make everything better

the key confuses the hell out of peter, he's only been in wade's shitty apartment/hideout once, and that was when deadpool found him bleeding out in a dark alley and decided to patch him up, after that they became tentative friends, peter's worried it means deadpool isn't planning on coming back, and gay panic or not, peter misses the guy

on the off chance that he is coming back, peter keeps deadpool's apartment clean and restocks and fixes the fridge a couple times, peter stashes a first aid kit in the bathroom because he ends up bleeding on the couch quite a few times while stitching himself back up, he's tried washing the covers but the couch is just too far gone, he shoves it in the corner and buys a nicer couch off craigslist that he goes out of his way to not bleed all over

peter and wade scare the shit out of each other when deadpool comes back to town, well what happened was peter got clawed up, changed into his civvies, and went to wade's normally empty apartment to fix himself up, peter walked in the door and right into wade who was about to shoot peter in the face for breaking and entering, when peter smiled at him said, "oh good, you're back" and then promptly passed out on his doorstep, it's the confusion more than anything that keeps wade from just tossing peter out in the trash and being done with it

when peter woke up he tried to give deadpool his key back, wade finally put the pieces together and asked "spidey?", peter felt his face and remembered he wasn't wearing a mask too late, he swallowed down the latent panic and decided that since the guy had had plenty of chances to learn and use peter's identity before and didn't, deadpool wasn't going to do anything to hurt him, this is fine, it's ok

peter was still fucking nervous and started rambling about how he'd fixed the piece of crap fridge about six different times and he was sorry about bleeding on deadpool's couch so he got a new one and it doesn't exactly match but it was cheap and-, peter looked down and grimaced when he realized he'd bled all over the new couch too, well that's a waste of $150

peter still needed to hide his new cuts and stitches from his aunt until they healed up a bit, so he asked if he could crash on the couch, just for tonight, wade told him to keep the key, he was just stopping by to pick up some stuff, peter caught wade before he left and said "by the way the name's peter", wade was quiet for a long moment before he said "wade", peter asked if maybe wade'd wanna stick around for a bit since peter's gonna order about twelve pizzas and then pass out, wade asked if peter was sure and peter gave him a smile that melted his heart


	1254. Chapter 1254

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from [samfoxy234](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samfoxy234/pseuds/samfoxy234), "Spideypool, JJJ - Peter is having a horrible day at work Jameson yelled at him again for not get good selfies(I mean pic's of Spider-Man) and he goes home and complains to Wade. Wade decides that his boyfriend deserves better treatment and goes to have a talk with JJJ."

peter's job is stressful, JJ is the worst boss peter's ever had and the only reason he hasn't stormed out of work and never come back is because peter's also a terrible employee, he may work freelance but with his double life taking up his time and attention, he forgets deadlines and never shows up to work on time and sometimes he even forgets to come into work altogether, peter's excuses through the years have gotten more and more flimsy, but he's also the only one that can get consistently usable pictures of elusive heroes, villains, and other superpowered players, which is probably why he hasn't been fired

generally peter sees his job as appropriate for the amount of work he puts into it, but that doesn't mean putting up with JJ gets any easier, and it's not like he can say "oh i'm not gonna be able to give you anything this week, i broke my collarbone saving new york's collective ass", so he just has to put up with the shitty pay and and the yelling and the coworkers that hate him for making their jobs harder

after an especially vicious chewing out courtesy of JJ, peter went home feeling like shit, wade wasn't home so peter ordered takeout because he didn't want to go out and get food, when wade got home he found peter curled up in a blanket nest on the couch, watching the office and eating chinese food from their second favorite chinese place, so wade immediately knew that it had been a bad day

he sat with peter on the couch while peter complained about trapster because the guy's an asshole and he's not even like a good villain, and all his glue stuff always takes forever to wash out of the spiderman costume, and about how his boss is such a dick, and JJ yelled at him twice today, and how he'd like to see JJ chase down supers on foot and try to get a decent shot for once

now wade absolutely wanted to make his boyfriend's life less shitty, and since peter wouldn't be very happy if he offed trapster, he decided to go have a chat with this JJ fellow, which went about as well as you'd expect

peter got an angry phone call from his boss the next day about how he was "dating the enemy" and needed to "get your crazy boyfriend arrested" and how peter needed to "pay for property damages"

peter had to go in on his day off and try to apologize and figure out what the hell happened, according to JJ, spiderman had broken into his office and "started waving guns around like a maniac", JJ was more angry than scared about being threatened at gunpoint, but he had gotten from wade's rant that he and peter were dating, and that JJ was not happy about, peter had to try and explain that spiderman is a completely different person with a different costume and obviously has a different body type from his boyfriend, but at least he talked JJ down from pressing charges with peter's promise of getting wade to pay for the broken window in his office

wade looked appropriately guilty when peter finally found him hiding out at some skeezy bar, peter gave wade a chance to explain himself, apparently he'd tried to politely explain to JJ that he needs to go easy on peter because peter has a lot on his plate and he doesn't need to put up with a grown ass man throwing a fucking tantrum every other day, and then JJ couldn't stop being a dick long enough to stop yelling about spiderman and calling the cops, so wade pulled a gun on him, which usually makes people listen to him, but JJ just got louder and angrier, and then the cops showed up so wade had to jump out the third story window, and it just didn't go how he thought it would

wade apologized again as peter sat down at the bar next to him, peter sighed and told wade to buy him a drink, wade had to argue with and bribe the bartender to get peter the whole bottle of vodka, after downing half the bottle peter told wade he'd forgive him, _if_ wade came with him to apologize to JJ and pay for the window he broke

that ended with peter punching JJ in the face for insulting his boyfriend, but he only got fired for a couple of days, after all peter's the best spiderman photographer around


	1255. Chapter 1255

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, dark, torture, murder, blood, guns

this time peter's job recommendations, the ones that aren't in jail, trying to take over the world or hiding out in florida's swamps, land him a job at stark industries, which means sometimes peter sees tony stark at work, so this is the dream job his high school self would have killed to get, and you would think, what with the company being run by a fucking avenger, that stark industries would be free of corporate corruption and all that take over the world bullshit, and you'd be right, but the ghost of howard stark hell bent on destroying stark industries from the inside out wasn't having any of that, peter accidentally talked tony through his issues with his dad and inspired him to create the code that destroyed howard's ghost and saved the day, peter couldn't stick around anymore now that tony goddamn stark knew his face and name, he wasn't about to see how long he could keep the spiderman secret from the guy that invented the arc reactor in a cave while dying

so peter took the job offer from hammer industries, not the best choice he's ever made but he needed the money and hammer's always trying to poach scientists from stark industries, but peter figured that he couldn't do much harm making stark phone knock offs while he looks for another job, except he could!, see peter's probably the best scientist hammer's ever been able to poach from stark, and corporate was getting increasingly frustrated that peter wasn't the well of industry secrets they'd been hoping he'd be, and when they take a very blatant offer to peter, peter finds out that they're trying to replicate stark tech to sell to foreign militaries through the us government who was mad at stark for pulling out of several multi-million dollar weapons contracts after spending some time as a pow

so peter rolls up his sleeves and gets ahold of every journalist, reporter, and blogger he can think of, and nobody will touch the story with a ten foot pole, but eventually somebody directs him to eddie brock, together peter and eddie spend a year and a half going through records, stealing information, taping conversations and generally risking their lives to get as much proof as they can of hammer's shady dealings and the government's involvement, and a month before eddie leaks the information, peter fakes his death and becomes spiderman full time

eddie spends the next three years out of country, peter stopped worrying about eddie when he found out that venom had found a new host in eddie, actually that's two things he doesn't have to worry about anymore, but peter's itching to get back into the lab after just a year, being spiderman 24/7 is great and all, but it's also lonely and dangerous and he misses sleeping in an actual bed, and he hasn't seen aunt may since he told her he had to "go into witness protection" before hammer industries went belly up

so matt murdock does peter a solid and gets him a new identity, peter messes around with some spy tech he's salvaged from his spiderman fights and makes himself a new face, peter also makes a new voice changer that goes in his mouth instead of his suit mask, and he visits his aunt, he doesn't say who he is because he can hear the telltale buzzing that means her house had been bugged, but he holds himself together long enough to pretend to have gotten the wrong address and leave

tired of big companies, peter applies to a nonprofit that works to study mutant biology and provide medical services to people mainstream doctors and hospitals aren't prepared to, peter gets paid a pittance, but half the people here are volunteers and the people that come to them are desperate, peter feels like his job does as much good as spiderman, and that's a damn good feeling, they have a party when they finally get a government grant to continue their research, his boss laura pays for a cake out of her own pocket and everything's looking up, which is of course when everything goes downhill

peter's nonprofit was one of many mutant research programs that was picked up under the government program project x, peter started getting suspicious when they were told to keep a record of everyone they helped, because anonymity was the whole reason anybody came to them for help, and giving the government a detailed record of names, locations and powers of mutants in new york started setting off alarm bells in peter's head, laura told everyone to write john/jane doe and to never mark down anyone they help as "mutant"

peter's work got recognized and he got an offer to work directly for the government at a project x facility in canada, classified stuff, peter took the job with the same dread he should have felt walking into hammer industries all those years ago, whatever peter had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this

codename weapon x was the most horrific place on earth in peter's opinion, as a new scientist, peter was kept topside and unaware of what was going on in the secret underground basement, but he could hear everything, he got sick most days just trying to tune out the screams, peter did his best to gain trust and played into the general disdain for mutants pervasive in the labs, he got promoted, granted access to the real weapon x project, and promptly decided to burn the place to the ground

peter bided his time, learned everybody's schedules, collected keys and passcodes, and waited for a lucky break, but waiting takes too long so peter set up his own, he set some alarms to trip just after the night shift started and most everybody had gone home for the day, it would take hours to get all the security back and what little protection the facility had would be scrambling around in the woods looking for people that didn't exist

peter had a lab coat full of little green tranquilizers he'd stolen from the supply closet, and rounding up all the scientists he could find took minutes with his super senses, getting all the victims out was another matter entirely, peter was a scientist, they knew his face and his name, of course they didn't trust him

peter broke the restraints on wade wilson's gurney and had to keep dodging the punches wade threw, it wasn't hard, the man was weak after weeks of endless torture, peter hissed he didn't have time for this and left wade in his cell, freed and with the door wide open, wade almost didn't walk through the door after him

peter was having just as much success with the other "patients", he'd taken to just barking out a quick explanation and unlocking the doors and restraints before running to the next cell, it was x-23 that gave him real trouble, his spider sense was already blaring, so he didn't react fast enough when he got her restraints off, she pinned peter's shoulder against the wall with her claws and was about to take his head off when wade got in the way, they all listened to wade, wade said the other scientists were unconscious, that security was out of sight and, that they should keep this one alive to use as a hostage in case they ran into anyone on their way out, x-23 dropped peter to the ground with his bleeding shoulder and walked out without a word, peter said thanks to wade as one of the others picked peter up, keeping a scalpel to peter's throat

peter had to beg them to go back to the biohazard room at the end of the hall, peter didn't actually know what was behind that door, he only ever heard the sounds, the awful sounds, he just knew this was where the rejects went

wade took one look inside and told the others to go, he'd take care of this, peter tried to break free, he couldn't leave without the people in that room, but he got passed to sarah who dragged him along with her arm to his neck, with dozens of little bone needles sticking out of her arm and pricking peter's skin, peter didn't really have a choice in the matter

the explosion behind them made peter scream, he could hear the swell of voices, and then they just... stopped, wade wilson found them again, he smelled of smoke and blood, with a grim determination he told them to keep moving, and they did, peter hated him in that moment

peter put in all the passwords and got them through all the security blocks meant to keep them from ever reaching ground level, peter tried to reason with wade, now that they were out of the basement levels, nobody here knew what happened down in the basement levels, they didn't deserve to die, "just let me take care of them" peter begged, several didn't want to risk it, but wade said that if peter had wanted to alert security by now, he would have

peter walked into the lobby and threw the little green tranquilizers with superhuman precision, he was a little worried about the receptionist who had bumped her head against the table on her way down, but peter didn't have time for that, the escapees had seen the doors and there was a mad rush to get outside, peter breathed a small sigh of relief as the cold winter air hit his lungs, they were almost home free, and right on time eddie brock pulled into the parking lot with a tour bus, they got everybody on the bus and peter told eddie "i could kiss you right now", eddie said "you had your chance parker"

they ran right through the security gate and peter has the traitorous thought "we're gonna make it", which is when eddie tells him they've got company, behind them sleek black cars with tinted windows started following them through traffic, peter ran to the back of the bus to get a better look as the sun roof in one of the cars opened, this was canada in winter so nothing good was going to come out of that car, peter shucked off his lab coat and wrapped his hand with it before punching through the back window and shooting a string of webbing at the car's sun roof, blocking it entirely

peter shot another web at the car closest to them and yelled at eddie to make a left, he did and peter held onto the web for dear life as he sent the car careening into a light post and trapping two more of the black cars in traffic, the sick crunch of metal and glass quickly faded behind them

peter was yelling at eddie to get off the main roads when the sound of a motorcycle rang through the air, eddie yelled at peter to tell him what's happening, peter's spider sense blared at him and he yelled at everybody to duck just as bullet fire rained down, somebody got hit but they didn't have time to stop, peter threw some webbing on wade's stomach, next to him x-23 was gripping her seat so hard part of it snapped off in her hand, "kimura" she said aloud, an uneasy murmur went through the bus, peter swore and crawled to the front of the bus, eddie hadn't gone full venom yet, but tendrils of the symbiote were anxiously hovering around eddie, peter jumped out the door eddie opened for him and crawled to the roof of the bus, it's really fucking hard to web black guns from people in black cars in the middle of the night while going 100 down an icy highway

"eddie, i'm gonna need some backup" peter yelled, eddie swore and grabbed whoever was closest, telling them to fucking drive as he ripped the folding door open, black tendrils reached outside, flinging eddie up on top of the speeding bus, wade found himself in the drivers seat, so he slammed on the gas and drove like his life depended on it, which it did

a bit of hysteric laughter bubbled out of wade, he and most of the people in here were going to die even if they did make it out of here, wade tried not to think too hard about that or the warm spot on his stomach, with an earsplitting screech venom jumped off the bus and onto one of the black cars, bullets ricocheted off venom like they were just pebbles, venom reached forward and ripped kimura off her bike, she'd been getting the closest to the front of the bus, venom and peter made short work of the rest of the goons chasing them and by the time eddie got back on the bus he was covered in blood and bits of bone, for once peter didn't say anything about it and kept his eyes and ears out for any more trouble 

peter and eddie got back in the bus before they froze their asses off, eddie took care of the helicopters that tried to intercept them later and somehow they make it to the jet before the bus either gave up or exploded, eddie says it's a stolen shield jet, so they can probably bluff their way through any restricted airspaces they might end up in, but only for the next six or so hours

the ride is just over six harrowing hours, but they get lucky and land safely in new york, granted they landed on the x-men's front lawn so they're greeted with an array of trained mutants instead of a friendly welcome, but eddie does the talking and professor x decides they're telling the truth after a little mind searching, the professor won't say it but he's suspicious of peter because he can't read the guy's mind, but there's something... off about peter

the professor offered their ragtag group asylum, but of course peter didn't want to stick around any longer than he had to, neither did eddie who was still in shield's most wanted, peter didn't feel so great leaving all those people with the x-men, but between the psychics, the lawers, and the professional brawlers it was the safest place in the world that didn't want to dissect them

wade died before peter left, in all the commotion they hadn't been able to patch him up before he bled out, wade's death left a lump in peter's throat, he took wade's body, wade didn't have anybody, peter had read his file, so peter figured the least he could do was give him a proper funeral, or at least try

peter had actually broken into a morgue and was trying to figure out how to turn the incinerator on when something very strange happened, wade's body started twitching, his skin started twisting and molting, peter lept into action when wade gave out a rattling gasp and started breathing again, peter watched in morbid fascination as wade's bullet wound closed up in seconds, his breathing steadied and most of his skin seemed to melt off then rapidly healed over again, with a sinking feeling peter realized that weapon x had done it, wade was their first immortal soldier, now peter had to make sure nobody ever found out


	1256. Chapter 1256

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

peter's so used to wade flirting with spiderman, that when he runs into deadpool as a civilian and gets hit on, it throws him for a loop, not because of anything reasonable, it throws peter because he's _jealous_ , here he was thinking what spidey and DP had was special and wade goes ahead and starts flirting with anybody who gives him the time of day, which is exactly something wade would do and peter really shouldn't be over thinking this

and then peter parker lands a date with wade and spiderman finds himself getting snippy with wade for no reason at all, it's ridiculous, he's literally the same damn person, he shouldn't be jealous of himself, but here he is, sitting on a roof in spandex and giving wade the silent treatment because wade went on a date with peter parker and not spiderman, jesus maybe he does need a therapist

peter's trying to keep his identity safe, which is why when wade wants to introduce peter to spidey, peter says he hates spiderman, just really doesn't like the dude, not a fan, wade deflates and peter feels guilty

wade was blabbering about peter to spidey and mentioned that peter worked at the daily bugle, and peter saw an opportunity to back up some of the lies he told wade, so spiderman says "wait, peter parker the photographer, peter?", and wade's hesitant but he says yeah, and then spidey says something that wade is not at all expecting, "man that guy's a dick, he keeps selling pictures of me to the daily bugle so they can print their anti-spiderman stuff, what a loser", wade doesn't bring up peter around spiderman very much after that, he does ask peter about the daily bugle, "money" is peter's answer after half a second of soul searching, and that's the truth

peter parker gets to _kiss_ wade, spidey gets to pretend to tolerate wade, but spiderman gets to slam wade into walls which peter parker knows wade likes and peter can't do, both peter parker and spiderman are conflicted

spiderman messes up and comes onto wade while they're talking in a roof somewhere, he slips up and wade tenses up and it's too late to take it back, wade doesn't talk to him for a week, he also doesn't text peter for a week, eventually wade shows back up and pretends it never happened, peter gets to be worried and mad at wade, but spiderman has to shut up and play along, except no fuck that, spidey's been here longer than peter parker and spidey knows wade better than peter parker, and spidey has had to hold wade in his arms while wade fucking _died_ , so you know what, spidey's going to speak his fucking mind for once and call wade out on his disappearing act

wade doesn't know what to say, and he tells spiderman as much, that he'd never though that spidey would actually take him up on the offer because wade is well wade, and spiderman is the exact opposite of that, so spiderman says think about it, and wade does, he's so troubled by it that he tries to ease his boyfriend into the idea by asking "wanna have a threesome with spiderman", peter.exe stops working for a bit, smile still frozen on his face while that processes, it's a firm no from peter


	1257. Chapter 1257

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (cont.)  
> spideypool, identity porn, angst

peter’s got a ton of scars and a handful of dead loved ones to show for “telling the truth”, so he just kinda puts off telling wade just one more time, maybe next week, after we go to the store, and if he forgets to tell wade today, well what’s another day, it’s already been how many months now?

then wade’s apartment ah, mysteriously caught on fire and burned to the ground late one night, and peter doesn’t even think about wade moving in with him, until it’s a problem

peter can’t work on his spiderman stuff when wade’s around, and spiderman can’t head home the same way as wade after a long day of patrolling, peter thinks he’s doing good slathering concealer on bruises and coming up with a roulette wheel of excuses ahead of time, but then peter sits down to dinner with the nice plates and there’s a spiderman mask sitting next to his plate, peter feels all the blood drain out of his face

“I’m not gonna roleplay as spiderman no matter how much I love you,” peter says, hoping that’s what this is about, wade slides a pair of webshooters across the table and says, “it’s a little too well made for that, isn’t it?”, peter’s got a million lies and excuses running around inside his head, trying to come up with something, nothing sounds good enough and the words get stuck in his throat, “I can explain,” peter says weakly, he can’t

wade waits, and he waits, and he waits, the words never come out and peter finally looks away, wade loads his plate up with stir fry and walks out the door, peter belatedly realizes his nice dinner set is now missing a plate

peter has a bad habit of underestimating the people in his life, most of all his aunt may, she decided back in high school when she drove peter to gwen stacy’s funeral that if he never wanted to tell her his spiderman secret, then that was okay, she’d keep pretending to be in the dark as long as peter felt that she was safer that way, and for the most part, she kept out of his double life, but this wasn’t just a spiderman problem, peter had come home to mope and eat ungodly amounts of homemade food because he broke up with his boyfriend that may isn’t supposed to know about, she only knew that he’d had a boyfriend because she’d seen the picture on peter’s phone screen when he thought she wasn’t looking, she’s not stupid, she looked deadpool aka wade wilson up, and even if she didn’t like everything she saw, she trusted peter’s judgement, and most importantly wade had made peter happy

so when she saw wade in full costume wandering down the street, she may have ditched all her plans and followed him into a 7/11, may wasn’t anything wade was expecting, she was frank and understanding and kind, and the first thing she asked was what peter did when wade admitted that they broke up, may admitted to wade that she’d known about peter’s big secret since he started in middle school, peter used to think he washed his spiderman suit in his sleep when may helped him out, wade was surprised to find out just how much peter kept from even his aunt

may didn’t tell him to forgive peter, in fact she told him to make peter apologize before anything else, and then to come visit her sometime, even if things don’t work out between them, wade came away thinking may was one of the strangest people he’d ever met, but also one of the kindest

peter doesn’t want to get his hopes up when he finds his missing dinner plate in the sink, but he’s pretty certain it’s not a goodbye


	1258. Chapter 1258

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spideypool, identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask from eerien, "So, I had this awesome idea when your blog was still up on tumblr, but i guess you didn't get to see when I send it to you so i don't remember it clearly now. But it went kinda like:
> 
> Wade is calmly walking around in NY streets, off of his Deadpool gear, in civvies, minding his business when he notice some guys following him around (weapon x agents?? going after his dna or something? Dp def gonna kill them after. Something like that cuz they're weird looking) and not even trying to pretend they're not following him and as much as he tries to lost them he doesn't succeed. So as soon as there is a breach, he makes a harsh turn and grabs the first person to pass by and starts to make out with them against a wall, and that seems to work cuz the creepy guys following wade around happens to lost him after it. So when Wade stops the kiss, he goes like "sorry for doing it without your consent but you helped me a lot right now and wow you're a cute looking nerd."  
> The person Wade happened to grab was Peter Parker, cuz ya know Parkers Luck, he just didn't toss the stranger grabbing and kissing him across the strets, cuz ya know he has to keep his super strength in check so he doesn't outs himself as as super hero and wow this dude's an awesome kisser and it's been so long he's been kissed this good he kinda forgot to be mad??"

Wade doesn’t always go out without his mask, but when he does, shit like this happens

Wade’s running for his life down a maze of back alleys and fire escapes, trying to lose the dicks he recognized as weapon x agents that were hot on his trail, the one day he doesn’t bring anything bigger than a handgun weapon x decides to revive with a vengeance, there goes wade’s Saturday plans, that is if he doesn’t get caught first, the last thing he wants is to give these asshole his dna

Wade’s looking for a way out when he runs across peter, who’s just minding his own business, walking home from his other part time job, wade takes one look at peter and remembers that stupid movie where the main characters make out to get away from the cops, something about pda making people uncomfortable, he doesn’t have any other options so he walks over to peter, crowds him against the nearest wall and says “sorry about this”

Peter’s about to ask “sorry about what?” when wade leans down and kisses him, and peter can’t help but think of wade wilson with the man’s scarred lips against his own, it’s just a stupid crush he was supposed to be over weeks ago, somewhere in the rational part of his brain peter thinks he should punch this guy into next week, instead he moans and pulls the guy closer, jesus how long has it been, peter thinks to himself

The weapon x agents pass right by them, wade can’t believe that actually worked, he’s about to back off and apologize again when the guy pulls him closer and deepens the kiss, wade’s actually out of breath by the time the guy lets go, they’re both bright red and wade forgets what he was going to say

Peter’s absolutely mortified, he feels like he should probably explain himself, forgetting that he wasn’t the one that started this whole thing, he stutters out something about wade reminding him of someone he has a thing for, wade laughs and says he hopes they’re better looking than he is

There’s something about the guy’s voice, all rough and gravely, almost like…, “no” peter says slowly “he looks a lot like you, actually”, wade doesn’t know what to say to that so he says he’s gotta go, peter says “see you, wade” and walks off, wade doesn’t realize until much later that he never actually gave that cute guy his name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I lost all the asks I had when I accidentally deleted my tumblr...


End file.
